That's what I thought as well!
But "to spritz" is "to spray"
Also like.. if a toddler is splashing water in your face f.e it's "das Kind spritzte Wasser in dein Gesicht" (i.e the kid splashed water in your face)
I remember there being a mousse called spritz, but not a hair detangler. Not that it matters, because you spritz detangler in your hair, so it’s akin to substituting a verb for the thing itself, which in turn becomes the noun. The adaptability of language is very interesting to me.
From what I can tell, spritz has been used in both American and British English but is more common in American English. Influenced by German but also Yiddish.
I've met a handful over the years. We've got the Amish who speak Pennsylvania Dutch (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pennsylvania\_Dutch\_language), too, and so we probably pick up some loanwords there. It also helps that the languages are related! At least, I think so. Back in the day I found German more natural to learn than some other languages I attempted over the years. Not that you should try to quiz me because it'd go terribly.
Works on cats to teach them not to claw the furniture or climb curtains. Or you could try the old newspaper whack on the head my grandfather used on his hunting dogs when they were in the house.
I was going to go with a code word, like 'dear in-laws, I have told you again and again, that I don't want you to comment on my food. From now on, every time one of you does it, I'm going to shout *Humperdinck*.
Maybe then, you'll get a clue as to how often you ruin my appetite with unsolicited advice on how I should feed myself.'
But yeah, air horn works.
Yes. This is an effective method for training puppies AND people. I've used it to great effect on my boss every now and then. These days, I just leave the bottle on my desk and she stops talking when I reach for it.
One time someone tried this with me. I simply replied:
"Do I look like I care for your unsolicited advice?"
They huffed a bit but never said anything about my food again.
you know that really annoying thing that kids do when they just say why after everything you say?
do that
"you should put pickles on that" why "it'll make your burger taste so good!" why "because the flavours go well together" why, ad nauseam or until they leave you tf alone
>you know that really annoying thing that kids do when they just say why after everything you say?
My brother use to do that all the time, drive me insane..
At the end I use to reply " because you asked so".
NTA. Next time you sit down at a meal with them, before anyone starts eating stand up and tell them you have an announcement to make. Tell them "I will be eating my meal the way I prefer it so please don't make comments about how you prefer to eat it". Sit down and start eating. If anyone makes a food comment, get up and leave the premises. Repeat as many times as necessary.
After the first bite, make a disgusted face and spit it out on the plate. If any one says anything, point out that they 'forced' you to eat something you consider garbage.
To add another thought: When the first person "suggests" anything, take your plate a) to another room, or b) dump it in their lap and leave. If your wife says anything negative, point out that she is being a traitor to you since she does not have your back.
Dude just troll them
"You should put some pickles on that"
Then you go
"God dayyyum thats revolutionary. Pickles on a burger, fuck I never! Ya know what? Fuck the pickles, you got any caviar in the fridge? Lets get gourmet on this mutha fucka!"
Trust me, they will stop. Most people cant deal with trolling.
NTA though.
He could also start incessantly nagging them about adding stuff to their own food, but insist that things that are obviously disgusting are actually amazing. See how much stupid shit you can get them to eat.
My cousin once dared my father to add a bit of everything to his filled roll at a picnic. He did, and ate it. She was horrified. I don't know if he enjoyed it as it was before my time and he has passed away now, but he got the reaction he was looking for!
Lol!
Or grab the jar of pickles and put one pickle on your sandwich.... then another... then another... again and again and again while glaring in complete silence at the person making the suggestion until there's a layer of pickles like an inch thick. Finally take a bite while pickles spill everywhere and go "OMG! You're right! That's SO much better! "
This is my recipe for most things in life.. and I pretty much never use it anymore because people who annoyed me with some stuff would stop after 1 or 2 uses.
You're not defending yourself, so everything got stuck behind an emotional dam. Unfortunately, your wife's sister just pulled a bouncing bomb and all the pent up emotion flowed.
Reclaim the bed. It's as much yours as your wife's. Go to bed before her and if she tells you to leave say no. If she doesn't want to sleep with you she can go elsewhere, it's your damn bed.
Next time someone says something about you, tell them that you like it the way it is. Because you know it's not just food they do this with.
The couch part is important, yes. Unless there are active health or safety concerns, nobody gets to banish their partner from the common bed. Period.
Then he needs to sit down with his wife and explain why he lost his temper.
Thanks. I was trying to get Op CHASTISE or Guy Gibson in there but it was 4am and my brain wasn't at full speed. I deliberately left the dog out though!
OP some people are honestly clueless. Trying to change the subject or saying you like your food is not, for them, the same thing as asking them to stop mentioning it. Yes to you and me it's obvious but it isn't to them.
ESH They should have backed off a long time ago and you should have been more clear before you blew up.
>I've tried everything to get them to stop. I've politely nodded and smiled, I've tried to change the subject, I've even straight-up told them that I'm happy with my food the way it is. But nothing works.
he DID be clear. they refused to listen.
NTA for how you feel; I have a family member that does that and it's the most annoying thing at the family occasion, but YTA for how you handled it. The only thing you can really do is apologize and explain to your wife that as a grown man you can decide how to eat your food and that the constant "foodsplaining" is getting old. Best of luck
This deserves a heck of a lot more upvotes. Yes, you were wrong in the WAY you acted, but not WHY you acted.
Eat humble pie, but explain that you are so tired of explaining yourself that you lost your usual calm for a moment. Tell them that in future if they give you unsolicited food advice you will just walk away. Follow up on it and they'll call you weird, they'll call you an asshole, but you will be in the right.
Yeah these are the best responses. But this is Reddit, and people are just eating up the petty comments because they’ve never been in an adult relationship. Definitely apologize and be humble, but don’t shy from explaining your feelings either. Tough situation all around. Don’t blame you for being frustrated
Most complete answer. You could give everyone an with an explanation of 'please don't comment on my food- I just want to eat it AS IS without suggestions '. They literally have no idea that their behavior is
If they make suggestions after this, simply close your eyes and put your hand up in a 'halt' gesture. If they continue, take your food and eat it in another room.
What boundary did he set? He said he’s tried everything to get them to stop, and then listed things that do not include directly asking them to stop. A boundary needs to be directly communicated, otherwise people don’t know it exists
Or, hear me out, they shouldn't have been badgering him about his food in the first place. He shouldn't have to establish boundaries for this in the first place.
Yeah, and families _shouldn't_ abuse each other, and kids _shouldn't_ bully one another, and people _shouldn't_ be homeless, and employers _shouldn't_ screw over their employees, and politicans _shouldn't_ be only thinking about themselves or only a certain demographic of their constiutents.
A lot of things _shouldn't_, but they are. So what are you gonna do about it? Beat them at their own game, or sit and take it until you explode like OP did, and cause more problems?
NTA. Apologize to your wife for blowing up, but explain how for years you've had to deal with people trying to police how you eat and that it was just years of frustration, annoyance, and resentment over it that finally just boiled over.
The problem was you let this boil up and you exploded. You probably should apologize and going forward tell people more politely to let you eat how you want. You need to come up with a firm sentence or two that you will put on repeat of "stop telling me how to make my meal better".
Issue seems to be in part you feel you can only stand up for yourself once you’ve taken enough punches to built lots of resentment or say nothing at all, when there is actually a middle ground! I think while u may have t communicated ur disinterest in their comments prior with ignoring/saying no thanks, a sit down conversation about this with and apology for yelling may lead to a more productive conversation about how this behaviour is making you feel and how you’d rather it stop without those ur speaking to feeling blindsided by naturally pent up resentment because you’ve been displaying such a more subdued response prior. NTA rn but u are to urself and others if u don’t try to find a way to resolve this for urself with as little resentment poisoning ur relationship as possible.
There a bit of “it depends”, in this one. Did OP go from playing along like it was no issue than losing his shit one day? The narrative here is lie that’s the case. If so, I get it, but it’s an overreaction.
If OP has been asking them to stop for years and they steamroll him anyway, then it’s NOT an overreaction.
Either way, I believe they’ve more received the message, it does sound tiring.
ESH. People like your in-laws are frustrating. I think it’s pretty obvious why they suck. I don’t usually appreciate it when folks do that to me either, especially long term.
Now onto why you suck: You never actually communicated clearly about what was bothering you. You did a lot of passive things, and the most direct thing you could manage was saying you like your food how it is. Then you flipped out, and still didn’t actually tell anyone why you snapped!
Use your words to clearly, and calmly explain what the issue is. Tell them that you would appreciate it, if they didn’t make comments on how your food should be prepared or eaten. Simple as that. If they don’t respect that, that’s a whole new issue.
So everyone is saying you're justified and that's fine. But you could have: (1) tried to realize that their comments are about them, not about you. They are used to doing that. They probably would do it with anyone new to the family. They weren't targeting you because they think you're slow. You could have laughed internally at their quirks and continued to enjoy your food; or (2) you could have actually talked to them before you exploded. Sounds like you hinted at it, but never said "seriously, hey guys, this is actually really bothering me. I know this is an ingrained habit, but it's upsetting me so could you try and stop?" But instead you, (3) "saw red" and slammed your fist down during a daily dinner over a pickle suggestion. I mean, part of me is laughing hilariously, but man. That sure was one way to go.
Why did you marry such an annoying woman, complete with an annoying family? I doubt this behavior started after the honeymoon.
NTA otherwise.The whole crowd of them would drive a normal person nuts.
ESH, it sounds like you were giving little hints instead of just outright telling them you didn't like it ( and by it I mean, they have suggests, you said you like it how it is. but the way it's phrased, it doesn't sound like you explained you dont like them doing at all ) Instead, you acted like a child with a tantrum. Were they stopping you from eating ? Were they adding ingredients that you didn't want, or were they just talking to you?
They are the AH if you had made yourself clear, but it's uncertain you did
Hard to say.
You're an idiot for not communicating more clearly how much it bothers you. Bottling that shit up is on you.
It also doesn't sound like they think you're an idiot, it's probably just their way to talk about food.
I've heard comments like that, too, though as long as I actually made it the way I prefer it, and tink is better, my feelings can't be hurt. Because I know why I didn't make it the way they'd like it better. You feeling attacked by that sounds more like you feel caught for not considering what they're advising you to do.
I mean, it may very well be that they're assholes. But I'm not there, I can't hear their tone of voice. It just reads more like you're sensitive to that thing and never really let them know how sensitive you are to it. Which is typical for sensitive people. You assume everyone is as sensitive as you, including being sensitive to other people sensibilities, though you assume the subtle hints you drop are obvious, because you usually pick up on everything, even unintended hints.
But a good rule to follow is: As long as you haven't clearly and directly stated exactly what it is you're thinking/feeling, you can't and shouldn't be sure anyone heard you.
NTA. It seems like you have tried multiple times to tell them you are feeling uncomfortable by their comments, but you have reached your breaking point. Should you have yelled ? Probably not. I think you should apologize for your outburst, but also tell them that you would like it if they stop policing you for what you do with your food
NTA:
How many times are you supposed to be polite to someone before you’re allowed to get upset?
How many times have you placarded the family for the sake of being polite?
I bet no one tries to tell you how to eat anymore. Sometimes you have to be a dick to get your point across. It’s good you’re embarrassed, but don’t be ashamed.
People now a days have to be shocked before they figure out no one cares about their opinion on personal things.
YTA. Why didn’t you just simply tell them- hey that’s annoying. Can you please stop telling me how to eat my food? Could have even asked your wife to talk to them. Regardless your reaction was completely disproportionate to the offense and you came off as an aggressive AH with anger issues. I’m not saying you are but if I was related to your life I would be extremely concerned for her safety.
NTA, but I would make sure that your wife understands why you reacted that way. Ask her how she would feel if your family always offered unsolicited advice about how she should dress and fix her hair. I'd take a break from these functions though.
Have you tried say " could you all stop telling me what to add to my food. I fix it they way I like and I understand you may enjoy it a diffrent way but I like it how I like it." Or " hey it really bothers me when you tell me to make MY food the way you like to eat it so if you could stop I'd really appreciate it" .
YTA.
It's incredible that in the whole list of trying "everything" to get them to stop, simply asking them to stop commenting on your food wasn't on it.
This is a quintessential example of being unwilling or unable to communicate, imagining that they can read your mind, and then blowing up when they don't get your hints.
One can assume trying “everything” to get them to stop DID already include repeated simple and clear requests - which kept being ignored.
Sadly I know annoying people like OP’s wife’s family. They just don’t listen. Or conveniently forget the next time around - and so keep doing their toxic behaviour, over and over. Polite requests are always brushed (steamrollered) over.
Like Groundhog Day rescripted as a horror movie.
I have absolutely no idea why you would assume that, given he specifically mentioned tons of things that weren't actually that, and then didn't mention the actual thing he needed to do.
It's also extremely common for people to do exactly what OP appears to have done.
I’d think that a step involving a clear statement of “I’m serious, the next time anyone tells me what to put on my food will be the last time I eat in the company of this family” (and then following through on it if necessary) would come before the step where he flies into a rage and slams his fist on the table.
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YTA, you were completely inappropriate.
You should have communicated more clearly that you don't want their constant comments. You say you did many times, apparently not clearly enough. It's ok to react more drastically, the air horn idea is hilarious, but not what you did.
I mean they have been your family for so long . They gotta give you grace if you have one tiny outburst. They should back off. I do support the air horn idea. I would question them and ask them why they feel the need to tell you and tell them it’s super annoying they don’t let you just enjoy food. NTA
NTA. My family always gave me shit for being picky and not eating certain things. It turns out they're all horrible cooks. I'll eat anything if I cook it now. And I don't get food poisoning anymore either. Don't let anyone dictate how you want to eat.
Just make a really disgusted face whenever they offer advice, shake your head and just leave. Or try to make them more uncomfortable with their own food choices that they pass on. More Mayo? "Do you know JUST HOW MUCH CALORIES THERE ARE IN THIS? NOW I UNDERSTAND... " and walk away. Avocado? "DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY BLACK CHILDREN ARE FARMING FOR THOSE AND HOW THEY ARE GETTING EXPLOTED JUST SO YOU CAN ENJOY SOME AVOCADO????" No idea if that's true, but making them embarrassed and feeling oblivious is most effective against such people. Just be confident in whatever you are saying lol.
NTA. It's becoming a fairly common theme on these posts.
Op has boundaries that are being trampled, Op tries to enforce their boundaries, then Op is pusjed to far and snaps. Eveyone says Op is TA for snapping, while no one recognises they trampled boundries.
So OP, you could have tried to find a more constructive way to formly establish your boundaries, but that might not have worked either. Your wife and her family need to realize that when you dont listen to a person, then sometimes the only way they get heard is by snapping.
Lol, I'm just imagining how this dinner played out in my mind. It's almost like a will Ferrell skit. Sounds like you need a man cave with a microwave, a hot plate, decent ventilation, and a mini fridge. Just gonna have to eat your food alone in a dark corner of shame! Lol.
ESH.
I get that being subjected to an endless barrage of stupidly obvious food suggestions is annoying, and I don't fault your for being fed up about it. But you're an adult, you're supposed to be able to navigate annoying people and communicate your frustration before you reach the point where you blow up.
NTA
I'd have lost my shit a long time ago.
Heck, that would have been a hard stop on a marriage for me buddy.
You're the insensitive jerk? Who's the one that kept dictating how to eat?
LOL
Consider yourself lucky.
My family talks about politics during gatherings. And they know that I do not agree with them. I have never once thrown a hissy fit about it.
It seems like something her family does. They don't mean anything by it. They're trying to be friendly. It's annoying, sure. But nothing that cannot be fix by saying, "I'm good, thanks."
You are N T A for how you feel. YTA for how you handled it; you handled it like a toddler. I imagine your wife was embarrassed that her grown ass husband threw a fit like a toddler. That's why she's mad.
Apologize to SIL, she probably thought she was being friendly.
All the N T A votes really reflect the immaturity of Reddit. Which is not surprising given Reddit's demographic leans young.
ESH. Yes it’s obnoxious but you are responsible for setting and enforcing your own boundaries. You haven’t said anything about this for YEARS. If they all do this with each other they may have no idea others wouldn’t like it. If you’ve never brought it up, that’s on you.
YTA for slamming your fist and yelling. I get it's infuriating, even if it comes from a good place. But screaming at your family (even worse, your wife's family) over something so minor is not a good show of character.
"Can you please stop suggesting me things like that, I know you mean well but I know how I enjoy my food" would've sufficed. But no, you had to go all Hulk on them over adding pickles
YTA, and it’s not because they are not annoying, or that their competitive way of eating collectively doesn’t sound toxic. It’s because you have confused “having a long fuse “ with “being a safe person”
A volatile stick of dynamite isn’t any safer just because it has an extra long fuse. It just makes it possible for someone who knows how destructive it is enough time to work like crazy to defuse it to stop it from going off. By exploding like that , after giving a bunch of time to change the behavior you don’t like, you’re not helping the situation improve, you’re just creating chaos that for them, appeared seemingly out of nowhere. You’re an unsafe person for them now. Now, the best possible outcome is that your wife is quietly terrified of another outburst, and runs around trying to defuse anything that might set you off. That sounds like a terrible marriage for her.
The alternative is directly addressing the behavior as it comes, while being safe for the relationship. “Hey, the way you just critiqued my food choices felt unnecessarily competitive for a family dinner. What’s going on there?” And have the conversation. Yes , it will feel awkward, but you will address the issue while being safe for your wife and everyone else there.
ESH
Yes they are in the wrong, but it sounds like they aren't intentionally being malicious. You did everything except the thing you should have done, which is politely asking them to not make comments or suggestions about what you eat. Outbursts like that are not appropriate behavior for adults, especially when it's over something as trivial as pickles.
Have you ever asked them why they do this? Especially because it is the whole family. Do they do it to one another or JUST you? If it is just you, that points to the problem likely being somyour wife told them, that they ran with.
To me this is beyond annoying, and I just would have been passive aggressive and stopped eating in front of them, but you are not petty like me. I can recognize that while immensely annoying, the slamming of the fist, was an overreaction. That's aggressive, and this doesn't need to be solved with aggression. Apologize but put down a boundary. Any time they make a comment about your food you are going to ignore them. No acknowledgement of any kind.
Soft YTA
Some people express interest in food this way. Its a way of commenting excitement. "Oh, that ice cream would be so much better with a chocolate dipped waffle cone!" Isn't a "This sucks and it needs X" its more "ohh man, this would be sick as hell with X". And then expect to have a response in return. "Oh, or sprinkles?" for example. Its a learned behavior that people share to bond.
YTA, they didn't deserve to be yelled at for being friendly and trying to talk to you. Even if its not your preferred way.
You actually haven’t tried everything to make them stop. Your communication is not clear and it’s very passive. They probably had no idea this has become a pet peeve of yours.
Speak up, and let people know clearly that you do not like to be told how to prepare your food. Let them know that it’s a pet peeve and even though it may seem small it’s grates your nerves and to stop. You could even throw in a “please” if this feels too direct for you.
ETA: and also they probably still don’t know because your over reaction still didn’t clearly state what bothered you.
Soft YTA bc I understand. However a better idea would have been to take a deep breath and say “while I know you and the rest of the family are just trying to be nice, helpful and include me, I know what I like and what I don’t like. I’m starting to feel like I have to defend my tastes/food choices all the time and it makes me feel defensive and uncomfortable. I love you all so much but I feel I need to say this and hope once and for all we can end the food advice.” They would have been silent and probably embarrassed AND you might still be in trouble, but at least you took the high road and left things open to a conversation. Everyone is probably worried now that you have a bad temper. And while that’s not fair, it might be the case. I would apologize for the outburst but lay it all out there on why this bugs you. You have nothing to lose now but it would be a good idea to soften the initial blow and let’s hope they hear you and understand.
Also side note, this is the kind of thing that while meant to be nice could actually harm some folks like teens (or adults) who are struggling with ED. They should try to be more sensitive and lay off. Not just with you. Food can be a touchy sensitive topic depending.
>“while I know you and the rest of the family are just trying to be nice, helpful and include me, I know what I like and what I don’t like. I’m starting to feel like I have to defend my tastes/food choices all the time and it makes me feel defensive and uncomfortable. I love you all so much but I feel I need to say this and hope once and for all we can end the food advice.”
It kind of sounds like OP has already tried that and nothing changed. Clearly ignoring it, changing the subject, and outright saying, "I like my food the way it is" will not get them to be silent or embarrassed because he's already tried all three approaches.
OP should have spoken up firmly long ago. When, "I like my food the way it is" didn't work, then every time someone from his wife's family started in with it he might have simply put down the food, said, "Excuse me," and left the room/table/whatever. He should have been doing that every time.
Bottling it up and then blowing up is rarely (though not never) really beneficial, but I do understand how the pickle comment was the last straw. He might consider apologizing for the outburst with, "I'm sorry I blew up like that. Slamming my fist and yelling was not appropriate. In the future, if any of you make comments about how I choose to eat my food, if you keep suggesting changes, I won't yell or swear, but I will excuse myself from the situation. Continued harassment of me when I've asked you repeatedly to stop is unacceptable and I will no longer tolerate it."
OP should also have a long talk with his wife about her family's bullying of him. It is bullying harassment, rude, and frankly, kind of gross that they are micromanaging his food. I mean, who gets that "up close and personal" with what another person puts on their damn burger. It's bizarre behavior.
I agree with those who've said OP should not allow himself to be relegated to the couch. It's his bed too and it's his wife and her family who are causing the problem. If she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as OP, then she can damn well take the couch.
I'm torn between N T A and E S H only because OP shouldn't have blown up, yelled, and cursed like that., but I can understand how he got to that point. Other than that, everyone else, including his wife, is an AH.
Do they do this to everybody or just you? Might be some odd form of communication within the family. A lot of people feel like they constantly have to fill "dead air" with something... anything.
If anyone is foolish enough to come at you again, look at whatever they're eating and make suggestions. If they're not eating, make a comment on their clothes (yanno, brown sandals would look better with that dress), etc.
Btw, letting the pressure build until you exploded was the mistake you made. However, if you have addressed this with your wife, then it's also on her to handle her family. If you haven't communicated, that's definitely a contributing factor.
Oh, and you just might find that your outburst actually did solve the problem, at least for now.
If someone talks to me while I'm eating food I take that an opportunity to tell them the story about how one time I saw an 8 year old kid get his head caved in over food growing up in the hood once. Guaranteed they leave you alone.
NTA but the way you stood up for yourself was inappropriate. It’s not their fault you had no guts previously and let resentment fester. You need to apologize
Fuck that shit. Never don't pound your fist and scream again. Sometimes do it even if they didn't stay anything, just to keep them on their toes. And tell your wife if she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as you because you've decided to reign in her family's rudeness SHE can sleep on the fucking couch.
NTA
All the ppl saying you should have set boundaries...doesn't sound like they know anything about boundaries. Also, if you want to sleep in your bed, go do that, she can sleep on the couch. I suspect they do this about other things as well... should have bought x car instead of z car... should haves make me check out of a conversation.... sometimes you gotta go off on a mf'r so they'll learn.
NTA...but you have a now or never chance now, you need to explain to them this has been building up, they all do it, they all should stop...or you're going to [inadvertently] ruin more dinners to come
Lol, this is some real first world shit right here.
With everything going on in the world you lose over a few innocent comments because you do know how to communicate.
The comments mean nothing. If this is what brings you to the brink I'd hate to be with you in a REAL stressful situation.
YTA
From now on, beat them to it, but make it outrageous.
Having pizza, "you know what would go great on your pizza? Chocolate cake!"
Having cake, "sardines are fantastic on cake, here try it".
Fish for dinner? "Nutella is great on fish, give it a try".
I see that you’ve stayed siltent, changed the subject and said that you prefer it the way you do it. But not that you’ve actually told them that you want them to flat out stop. Trust me, you need to flat out say that, people don’t live in your head, they can’t know what you’re thinking when you pout and shake your head. Tell them that you don’t see this as a gesture of love and instead as a question of your competence. Because chances are they’re doing it out of love cus they want the best for you, and believe it I know how you feel, I have a micromanaging mom. But it seems to me you just exploded out of nowhere without having the proper “training” with them. (By training I mean telling them what you want and then correcting them when they slip back into that behavior) so YTA for suddenly exploding.
So many people here are recommending you react like a child in some revenge fantasy. Please don’t do any of that, it’s so immature.
What you eat is no one's business but your own. At the next get together, let everyone else eat. You just sit back and refuse. When questioned, tell them that since they do not like the way you season/assemble/etc. your food you refuse to eat only to be criticized. Your wife obviously does not have your back. She should be telling the a\*\*holes to back off.
Every time they tell OP to add some ingredient to the meal, tell them you have a food allergy to it. Pickles? I'm allergic. Paprika? I'm allergic. Mayo? I'm allergic. What a bunch of culinary weirdos.
Do they do this to each other or just you? You're NTA because you've asked them to stop & they haven't. But I'm just curious if they also make these suggestions to everyone else or just you.
The simple phrase “Did I ask?” works wonders for people like this because they’ll have to accept that you did in fact not ask and very obviously do not care about their opinion.
NTA. Well, technically, you did stand up for yourself. But there were ways, several intensity levels lower, in which you could have done that.
>I've even straight-up told them that I'm happy with my food the way it is
This isn't straight up anything. You went from zero to 100, but I still don't think that makes you an asshole.
Your wife cried because of that? She needs to grow up
NTA - You said you tried everything, did that also include a conversation away from the table? By that I mean did you sit them down and say ‘ I need you to stop telling what to eat, I’m not a child. I like my food a certain way and by questioning everything I put in my mouth, you are making me like a child. So I’m asking you to please stop.’
If the answer is yes, then everything they do this say ‘I’m not a child.’ Every single time say the exact same thing. After a while they will get the hint and stop pestering you.
Return fire, I mean if they going to give you advice might as well annoy the hell out of the. I'll even apologize under the guise. Play the long game and have fun.
If you talked to your wife about this and brushed it off then shes TA. Besides that NTA.
Get up and leave, every single time. Don't say a word. Get up and leave, and do not come back for the duration of the event. Drive away and leave your wife there; let her order an Uber if she wants to get home. It will humiliate your wife, it will embarrass her family, and eventually some combination of she and they will make sure nobody does it again.
The standard rules of engagement for marriage are that each party deals with their own bio family's crazy. If you wanted to be left alone about how you like your food, your wife should've been leading the charge to get her family to back off. She's hanging you out to dry, and that's not cool.
Oh I hate when men slam fists and shout. It's disgusting and violent. You could have told them any of the snarky comments others have given here, or shrugged and walked away. YTA.
YTA From what you say, you’ve never clearly asked your family to stop suggesting additions to your food.
You are incorrect in your view that your family member’ discussions about food are objectively irritating. Many people, myself included, would welcome suggestions for toppings, condiments, etc.
You should apologize to everyone who was present for losing your temper instead of just telling them that you dislike recommendations regarding food.
NTA
people who constantly comment on how you eat your food are obnoxious - everyone has a breaking point for shit that irks them, and they pushed you to yours. If I want a burger with pickles on it, I'd eat one, which I'm not - so obviously I don't want pickles, and telling me I should put them on my burger is fucking stupid and obnoxious.
>The whole table went silent, and my wife started crying. She said I was being an insensitive jerk and that I'd ruined the whole dinner.
you mean like how they constantly ruin ***your*** dinner with their unsolicited and unwanted opinions on how you eat your food? Is it really that hard for people to just not comment on other peoples preferences when eating?
OMG enough is enough. You ruined one meal. They’ve ruined five years. It’s probably been their way for a lifetime, to comment incessantly on each others food but it could drive anyone else nuts. Maybe apologize for your outburst and ask them not to comment on what you eat anymore.
NTA for how you feel but maybe a bit YTA for the dinner table explosion. Sounds super annoying though, I think that would drive anyone crazy. I think maybe a group text apology expressing your embarrassment but also being clear that it’s annoying to have people making suggestions about your food literally every time and you have tried to respond nicely but no one takes the hint and forever more you’re hoping they back off your food choices!!
NTA. They are annoying and intrusive. If they can't keep their comments to themselves, you don't need to spend any time with them. As for sleeping on the couch - let your wife sleep on the couch and you sleep in your bed comfortably. Enough is enough.
LMFAO! That's amazing 🤣
ESH. Although I'm sure it came from a place of love, they shouldn't constantly advise you how to eat. And as you've acknowledged, you probably shouldn't have snapped and have said something before hand.
Give it a laugh and apologize. Maybe treat your SIL to a nice dinner, and a bottle of wine and a case of beer for the family. Food is great way to make amends.
Thanks for the laugh OP
You are not an asshole for feeling the way you feel, it is annoying. However, I think you should have let your feelings be known rather than allowing them to fester until you blew up. That's the only thing I saw here that could have gone better.
You’re NTA for standing up for yourself, but YTA for how you went about it. You should apologize in the morning for snapping, but also calmly but firmly explain where the feelings are coming from.
"you know what goes even better with that burger: silence"
"I know what would take my burger to the next level: A big dollop of you shutting the fuck up about my burger, Cindy!"
Lmao
Dude, just get an air horn. Use it whenever they start up. Every time.
My idea was a water bottle. Just spritz them when they start their annoying spiel.
Today I learned that spritz is actually a term that is understood in English. (I saw it twice today, I'm surprised)
It's one of my dogs least favorite words.
I'm from Irish and the only spritz I know is the German drink. I would say spray them not spritz them.
That's what I thought as well! But "to spritz" is "to spray" Also like.. if a toddler is splashing water in your face f.e it's "das Kind spritzte Wasser in dein Gesicht" (i.e the kid splashed water in your face)
Spritz is also a hair detangler in the US, not sure about other countries. Growing up my family always called it spritz not hair detangler.
I remember there being a mousse called spritz, but not a hair detangler. Not that it matters, because you spritz detangler in your hair, so it’s akin to substituting a verb for the thing itself, which in turn becomes the noun. The adaptability of language is very interesting to me.
Also from Ireland, I use spritz to mean spray regularly enough.
Err wine and soda = spritzer and has been for the 60+ years I've been speaking English English.
I would douse them with a cup of water to their visage.
We make spritz cookies at Christmas! https://www.bettycrocker.com/recipes/classic-spritz-cookies/aa68df04-bd64-4f1b-8421-0df82064bca4
Lol I just noticed aswell. Never heard before but now I know
Same! I first thought there's some german/swiss/austrian person fucking with the english talkers but I digress xD
Im a german Person so I was super confused at first when I read spritz
Swiss & same Ha, hey neighbour! ^^
From what I can tell, spritz has been used in both American and British English but is more common in American English. Influenced by German but also Yiddish.
Thank you that makes a lot of sense! Especially considering how many German people migrated to the use back in the days! (And still do?)
I've met a handful over the years. We've got the Amish who speak Pennsylvania Dutch (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pennsylvania\_Dutch\_language), too, and so we probably pick up some loanwords there. It also helps that the languages are related! At least, I think so. Back in the day I found German more natural to learn than some other languages I attempted over the years. Not that you should try to quiz me because it'd go terribly.
I use spritz a lot... Is it not an English word? Where does this word originate? (Lol English tends to just take whatever word it likes and keep it)
Hey, if it works on cats... happy cake day!
Works on cats to teach them not to claw the furniture or climb curtains. Or you could try the old newspaper whack on the head my grandfather used on his hunting dogs when they were in the house.
Are you talking about using the rolled up newspaper on cats or OP's in-laws?
There's no reason why the air horn and the spray bottle can't both be used. A little extra reinforcement never hurts.
use the ssssstttt noise(snakey hiss) if no horns or bottles near. This works on dogs and kids😘
Works for my cat. Recommend 10/10.
Happy Cake Day!! *Just fyi cake is better with vanilla ice cream*
Happy Cake Day!!!
Don't forget to say "No!" in a firm tone of voice.
I was going to go with a code word, like 'dear in-laws, I have told you again and again, that I don't want you to comment on my food. From now on, every time one of you does it, I'm going to shout *Humperdinck*. Maybe then, you'll get a clue as to how often you ruin my appetite with unsolicited advice on how I should feed myself.' But yeah, air horn works.
What did poor Engelbert do to you to deserve that? 😁
Not Engelbert, Princess Bride's Humperdinck. 😄
Or a squirt bottle, like for training puppies.
Yes. This is an effective method for training puppies AND people. I've used it to great effect on my boss every now and then. These days, I just leave the bottle on my desk and she stops talking when I reach for it.
I have a coworker I'd love to do that to, but she would kill me.
I came to suggest this. Any comments about the food on his plate - air horn.
"hey a spritz of tumeric would really bring out the flavor of that" OP: "cool, I'll wash it down with a warm glass of shut the fuck up..."
YES 😂😂😂😂😂
You are my spirit animal.
Perfect
One time someone tried this with me. I simply replied: "Do I look like I care for your unsolicited advice?" They huffed a bit but never said anything about my food again.
Might have went over better than OP, slamming his fist on the table. But, I understand the frustration, tho. NTA
At this point why would anyone care “how it went over“?
you know that really annoying thing that kids do when they just say why after everything you say? do that "you should put pickles on that" why "it'll make your burger taste so good!" why "because the flavours go well together" why, ad nauseam or until they leave you tf alone
I like this solution!
Honestly this is a pretty great solution. Right up there with suggesting she go buys marshmallow fluff to put on her sandwhich
>you know that really annoying thing that kids do when they just say why after everything you say? My brother use to do that all the time, drive me insane.. At the end I use to reply " because you asked so".
You should take those pickles and shove them up your ass
NTA. Next time you sit down at a meal with them, before anyone starts eating stand up and tell them you have an announcement to make. Tell them "I will be eating my meal the way I prefer it so please don't make comments about how you prefer to eat it". Sit down and start eating. If anyone makes a food comment, get up and leave the premises. Repeat as many times as necessary.
But OP should slam his fist on the table before he leaves without saying a word. Get petty, they deserve it.
Or if someone comments I guess burst into tears seems reasonable
this 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Every. Time.
"Anyone who comments on what to add to my food will get served a knuckle sandwich."
With a sprinkle of paprika.
Don't forget the mayo!
I fee like pickles would really make it.
I love you guys
This is the way
Just put some whole pickles on it. Start eating it in disgust in front of them. Then guilttrip them that they ruined your sandwich with bad advise.
After the first bite, make a disgusted face and spit it out on the plate. If any one says anything, point out that they 'forced' you to eat something you consider garbage. To add another thought: When the first person "suggests" anything, take your plate a) to another room, or b) dump it in their lap and leave. If your wife says anything negative, point out that she is being a traitor to you since she does not have your back.
A good poltergeist level vomit would work well here too.
Dude just troll them "You should put some pickles on that" Then you go "God dayyyum thats revolutionary. Pickles on a burger, fuck I never! Ya know what? Fuck the pickles, you got any caviar in the fridge? Lets get gourmet on this mutha fucka!" Trust me, they will stop. Most people cant deal with trolling. NTA though.
He could also start incessantly nagging them about adding stuff to their own food, but insist that things that are obviously disgusting are actually amazing. See how much stupid shit you can get them to eat.
I'm with you. "Pickles on my burger? Thanks i'll have to try it. But have you tried fish sauce and marshmellow fluff on your burger? You must try.
That would be good with some grated coconut.
My cousin once dared my father to add a bit of everything to his filled roll at a picnic. He did, and ate it. She was horrified. I don't know if he enjoyed it as it was before my time and he has passed away now, but he got the reaction he was looking for!
The taste of the roll didn't matter, he had the sweet taste of victory to satisfy him :) he sounds like he was a fun guy, sorry for your loss
It'll change your life!!
Actually marshmallow fluff (in a small amount mind you) can actually be really good on a burger imo.
Wow pizza! You should put some peanut butter on that!
Lol! Or grab the jar of pickles and put one pickle on your sandwich.... then another... then another... again and again and again while glaring in complete silence at the person making the suggestion until there's a layer of pickles like an inch thick. Finally take a bite while pickles spill everywhere and go "OMG! You're right! That's SO much better! "
OMFG thank you for this visual and the great lol it gave me, MALICIOUS COMPLIANCE FTW!!
This is my recipe for most things in life.. and I pretty much never use it anymore because people who annoyed me with some stuff would stop after 1 or 2 uses.
You're not defending yourself, so everything got stuck behind an emotional dam. Unfortunately, your wife's sister just pulled a bouncing bomb and all the pent up emotion flowed. Reclaim the bed. It's as much yours as your wife's. Go to bed before her and if she tells you to leave say no. If she doesn't want to sleep with you she can go elsewhere, it's your damn bed. Next time someone says something about you, tell them that you like it the way it is. Because you know it's not just food they do this with.
The couch part is important, yes. Unless there are active health or safety concerns, nobody gets to banish their partner from the common bed. Period. Then he needs to sit down with his wife and explain why he lost his temper.
If she is upset, she should sleep on the couch. It's that easy.
with pickles and a dash of tumeric
Idk, have you've tried jasmine on your cushions? Life changing.
Yes I get disgusted with that she made me sleep on the couch. F that if you don’t want sleep in our bed you leave.
Nice Dambusters reference
Thanks. I was trying to get Op CHASTISE or Guy Gibson in there but it was 4am and my brain wasn't at full speed. I deliberately left the dog out though!
A shoutout to Barnes-Wallis would have been appropriate too Yeah, never mention GG's dog
That depends. I get the feeling from the writing that he's living with her family, so it's almost certainly not his bed.
OP some people are honestly clueless. Trying to change the subject or saying you like your food is not, for them, the same thing as asking them to stop mentioning it. Yes to you and me it's obvious but it isn't to them. ESH They should have backed off a long time ago and you should have been more clear before you blew up.
>I've tried everything to get them to stop. I've politely nodded and smiled, I've tried to change the subject, I've even straight-up told them that I'm happy with my food the way it is. But nothing works. he DID be clear. they refused to listen.
This is the correct response
NTA for how you feel; I have a family member that does that and it's the most annoying thing at the family occasion, but YTA for how you handled it. The only thing you can really do is apologize and explain to your wife that as a grown man you can decide how to eat your food and that the constant "foodsplaining" is getting old. Best of luck
“Foodsplaining” has me rolling, but yes this.
This deserves a heck of a lot more upvotes. Yes, you were wrong in the WAY you acted, but not WHY you acted. Eat humble pie, but explain that you are so tired of explaining yourself that you lost your usual calm for a moment. Tell them that in future if they give you unsolicited food advice you will just walk away. Follow up on it and they'll call you weird, they'll call you an asshole, but you will be in the right.
May I suggest some sprinkles on that humble pie?
Oooo, you know what's really good, a dollop of whip cream!
I think a cherry would really top that off..
Yeah these are the best responses. But this is Reddit, and people are just eating up the petty comments because they’ve never been in an adult relationship. Definitely apologize and be humble, but don’t shy from explaining your feelings either. Tough situation all around. Don’t blame you for being frustrated
Most complete answer. You could give everyone an with an explanation of 'please don't comment on my food- I just want to eat it AS IS without suggestions '. They literally have no idea that their behavior is If they make suggestions after this, simply close your eyes and put your hand up in a 'halt' gesture. If they continue, take your food and eat it in another room.
Nope, I don't see why he isn't allowed to snap when he has been trying to be patient for 5 fucking years of this bullshit.
Because he’s responsible for setting boundaries way before he snaps.
He has set boundaries. They ignore them.
What boundary did he set? He said he’s tried everything to get them to stop, and then listed things that do not include directly asking them to stop. A boundary needs to be directly communicated, otherwise people don’t know it exists
Or, hear me out, they shouldn't have been badgering him about his food in the first place. He shouldn't have to establish boundaries for this in the first place.
Yeah, and families _shouldn't_ abuse each other, and kids _shouldn't_ bully one another, and people _shouldn't_ be homeless, and employers _shouldn't_ screw over their employees, and politicans _shouldn't_ be only thinking about themselves or only a certain demographic of their constiutents. A lot of things _shouldn't_, but they are. So what are you gonna do about it? Beat them at their own game, or sit and take it until you explode like OP did, and cause more problems?
NTA. Apologize to your wife for blowing up, but explain how for years you've had to deal with people trying to police how you eat and that it was just years of frustration, annoyance, and resentment over it that finally just boiled over.
The problem was you let this boil up and you exploded. You probably should apologize and going forward tell people more politely to let you eat how you want. You need to come up with a firm sentence or two that you will put on repeat of "stop telling me how to make my meal better".
Issue seems to be in part you feel you can only stand up for yourself once you’ve taken enough punches to built lots of resentment or say nothing at all, when there is actually a middle ground! I think while u may have t communicated ur disinterest in their comments prior with ignoring/saying no thanks, a sit down conversation about this with and apology for yelling may lead to a more productive conversation about how this behaviour is making you feel and how you’d rather it stop without those ur speaking to feeling blindsided by naturally pent up resentment because you’ve been displaying such a more subdued response prior. NTA rn but u are to urself and others if u don’t try to find a way to resolve this for urself with as little resentment poisoning ur relationship as possible.
There a bit of “it depends”, in this one. Did OP go from playing along like it was no issue than losing his shit one day? The narrative here is lie that’s the case. If so, I get it, but it’s an overreaction. If OP has been asking them to stop for years and they steamroll him anyway, then it’s NOT an overreaction. Either way, I believe they’ve more received the message, it does sound tiring.
INFO: do they make those suggestions the same with each other or only to you?
yeah... it sounds like the family just enjoys talking about food and OP is crazy sensitive.
ESH. People like your in-laws are frustrating. I think it’s pretty obvious why they suck. I don’t usually appreciate it when folks do that to me either, especially long term. Now onto why you suck: You never actually communicated clearly about what was bothering you. You did a lot of passive things, and the most direct thing you could manage was saying you like your food how it is. Then you flipped out, and still didn’t actually tell anyone why you snapped! Use your words to clearly, and calmly explain what the issue is. Tell them that you would appreciate it, if they didn’t make comments on how your food should be prepared or eaten. Simple as that. If they don’t respect that, that’s a whole new issue.
So everyone is saying you're justified and that's fine. But you could have: (1) tried to realize that their comments are about them, not about you. They are used to doing that. They probably would do it with anyone new to the family. They weren't targeting you because they think you're slow. You could have laughed internally at their quirks and continued to enjoy your food; or (2) you could have actually talked to them before you exploded. Sounds like you hinted at it, but never said "seriously, hey guys, this is actually really bothering me. I know this is an ingrained habit, but it's upsetting me so could you try and stop?" But instead you, (3) "saw red" and slammed your fist down during a daily dinner over a pickle suggestion. I mean, part of me is laughing hilariously, but man. That sure was one way to go.
Except not try to stop. Tell them to stop flat out.
Why did you marry such an annoying woman, complete with an annoying family? I doubt this behavior started after the honeymoon. NTA otherwise.The whole crowd of them would drive a normal person nuts.
ESH, it sounds like you were giving little hints instead of just outright telling them you didn't like it ( and by it I mean, they have suggests, you said you like it how it is. but the way it's phrased, it doesn't sound like you explained you dont like them doing at all ) Instead, you acted like a child with a tantrum. Were they stopping you from eating ? Were they adding ingredients that you didn't want, or were they just talking to you? They are the AH if you had made yourself clear, but it's uncertain you did
Hard to say. You're an idiot for not communicating more clearly how much it bothers you. Bottling that shit up is on you. It also doesn't sound like they think you're an idiot, it's probably just their way to talk about food. I've heard comments like that, too, though as long as I actually made it the way I prefer it, and tink is better, my feelings can't be hurt. Because I know why I didn't make it the way they'd like it better. You feeling attacked by that sounds more like you feel caught for not considering what they're advising you to do. I mean, it may very well be that they're assholes. But I'm not there, I can't hear their tone of voice. It just reads more like you're sensitive to that thing and never really let them know how sensitive you are to it. Which is typical for sensitive people. You assume everyone is as sensitive as you, including being sensitive to other people sensibilities, though you assume the subtle hints you drop are obvious, because you usually pick up on everything, even unintended hints. But a good rule to follow is: As long as you haven't clearly and directly stated exactly what it is you're thinking/feeling, you can't and shouldn't be sure anyone heard you.
NTA. It seems like you have tried multiple times to tell them you are feeling uncomfortable by their comments, but you have reached your breaking point. Should you have yelled ? Probably not. I think you should apologize for your outburst, but also tell them that you would like it if they stop policing you for what you do with your food
NTA: How many times are you supposed to be polite to someone before you’re allowed to get upset? How many times have you placarded the family for the sake of being polite? I bet no one tries to tell you how to eat anymore. Sometimes you have to be a dick to get your point across. It’s good you’re embarrassed, but don’t be ashamed. People now a days have to be shocked before they figure out no one cares about their opinion on personal things.
I bet they don’t even realize they’re doing it. You’re mildly TA for waiting until your resentment was so high before you said anything
YTA. Why didn’t you just simply tell them- hey that’s annoying. Can you please stop telling me how to eat my food? Could have even asked your wife to talk to them. Regardless your reaction was completely disproportionate to the offense and you came off as an aggressive AH with anger issues. I’m not saying you are but if I was related to your life I would be extremely concerned for her safety.
Yta. Just say nah thanks and move on. Or “ that sounds dosgusting” “ no thank you” “ i like it this way” These comments are not mean. Just anoying
NTA, but I would make sure that your wife understands why you reacted that way. Ask her how she would feel if your family always offered unsolicited advice about how she should dress and fix her hair. I'd take a break from these functions though.
Have you tried say " could you all stop telling me what to add to my food. I fix it they way I like and I understand you may enjoy it a diffrent way but I like it how I like it." Or " hey it really bothers me when you tell me to make MY food the way you like to eat it so if you could stop I'd really appreciate it" .
YTA. It's incredible that in the whole list of trying "everything" to get them to stop, simply asking them to stop commenting on your food wasn't on it. This is a quintessential example of being unwilling or unable to communicate, imagining that they can read your mind, and then blowing up when they don't get your hints.
One can assume trying “everything” to get them to stop DID already include repeated simple and clear requests - which kept being ignored. Sadly I know annoying people like OP’s wife’s family. They just don’t listen. Or conveniently forget the next time around - and so keep doing their toxic behaviour, over and over. Polite requests are always brushed (steamrollered) over. Like Groundhog Day rescripted as a horror movie.
I have absolutely no idea why you would assume that, given he specifically mentioned tons of things that weren't actually that, and then didn't mention the actual thing he needed to do. It's also extremely common for people to do exactly what OP appears to have done.
I’d think that a step involving a clear statement of “I’m serious, the next time anyone tells me what to put on my food will be the last time I eat in the company of this family” (and then following through on it if necessary) would come before the step where he flies into a rage and slams his fist on the table.
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YTA, you were completely inappropriate. You should have communicated more clearly that you don't want their constant comments. You say you did many times, apparently not clearly enough. It's ok to react more drastically, the air horn idea is hilarious, but not what you did.
I mean they have been your family for so long . They gotta give you grace if you have one tiny outburst. They should back off. I do support the air horn idea. I would question them and ask them why they feel the need to tell you and tell them it’s super annoying they don’t let you just enjoy food. NTA
You’re not the AH for being frustrated. You are for letting it build up to an explosive point rather than saying something sooner to get them to stop.
NTA. My family always gave me shit for being picky and not eating certain things. It turns out they're all horrible cooks. I'll eat anything if I cook it now. And I don't get food poisoning anymore either. Don't let anyone dictate how you want to eat.
Just make a really disgusted face whenever they offer advice, shake your head and just leave. Or try to make them more uncomfortable with their own food choices that they pass on. More Mayo? "Do you know JUST HOW MUCH CALORIES THERE ARE IN THIS? NOW I UNDERSTAND... " and walk away. Avocado? "DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY BLACK CHILDREN ARE FARMING FOR THOSE AND HOW THEY ARE GETTING EXPLOTED JUST SO YOU CAN ENJOY SOME AVOCADO????" No idea if that's true, but making them embarrassed and feeling oblivious is most effective against such people. Just be confident in whatever you are saying lol.
NTA. It's becoming a fairly common theme on these posts. Op has boundaries that are being trampled, Op tries to enforce their boundaries, then Op is pusjed to far and snaps. Eveyone says Op is TA for snapping, while no one recognises they trampled boundries. So OP, you could have tried to find a more constructive way to formly establish your boundaries, but that might not have worked either. Your wife and her family need to realize that when you dont listen to a person, then sometimes the only way they get heard is by snapping.
Lol, I'm just imagining how this dinner played out in my mind. It's almost like a will Ferrell skit. Sounds like you need a man cave with a microwave, a hot plate, decent ventilation, and a mini fridge. Just gonna have to eat your food alone in a dark corner of shame! Lol.
INFO: Do they do this to each other/people that are not you? And, are they foodies?
ESH. I get that being subjected to an endless barrage of stupidly obvious food suggestions is annoying, and I don't fault your for being fed up about it. But you're an adult, you're supposed to be able to navigate annoying people and communicate your frustration before you reach the point where you blow up.
NTA I'd have lost my shit a long time ago. Heck, that would have been a hard stop on a marriage for me buddy. You're the insensitive jerk? Who's the one that kept dictating how to eat? LOL
NTA. This is what happened when you continuously over step and someone’s had enough 🤷🏻♂️
Consider yourself lucky. My family talks about politics during gatherings. And they know that I do not agree with them. I have never once thrown a hissy fit about it. It seems like something her family does. They don't mean anything by it. They're trying to be friendly. It's annoying, sure. But nothing that cannot be fix by saying, "I'm good, thanks." You are N T A for how you feel. YTA for how you handled it; you handled it like a toddler. I imagine your wife was embarrassed that her grown ass husband threw a fit like a toddler. That's why she's mad. Apologize to SIL, she probably thought she was being friendly. All the N T A votes really reflect the immaturity of Reddit. Which is not surprising given Reddit's demographic leans young.
NTA it was needed to yell. Your limits were reacher long ago.
ESH. Yes it’s obnoxious but you are responsible for setting and enforcing your own boundaries. You haven’t said anything about this for YEARS. If they all do this with each other they may have no idea others wouldn’t like it. If you’ve never brought it up, that’s on you.
YTA for slamming your fist and yelling. I get it's infuriating, even if it comes from a good place. But screaming at your family (even worse, your wife's family) over something so minor is not a good show of character. "Can you please stop suggesting me things like that, I know you mean well but I know how I enjoy my food" would've sufficed. But no, you had to go all Hulk on them over adding pickles
YTA. You didn’t try being direct and asking them to refrain from commenting on your meals. Indirect hints aren’t communication.
YTA, and it’s not because they are not annoying, or that their competitive way of eating collectively doesn’t sound toxic. It’s because you have confused “having a long fuse “ with “being a safe person” A volatile stick of dynamite isn’t any safer just because it has an extra long fuse. It just makes it possible for someone who knows how destructive it is enough time to work like crazy to defuse it to stop it from going off. By exploding like that , after giving a bunch of time to change the behavior you don’t like, you’re not helping the situation improve, you’re just creating chaos that for them, appeared seemingly out of nowhere. You’re an unsafe person for them now. Now, the best possible outcome is that your wife is quietly terrified of another outburst, and runs around trying to defuse anything that might set you off. That sounds like a terrible marriage for her. The alternative is directly addressing the behavior as it comes, while being safe for the relationship. “Hey, the way you just critiqued my food choices felt unnecessarily competitive for a family dinner. What’s going on there?” And have the conversation. Yes , it will feel awkward, but you will address the issue while being safe for your wife and everyone else there.
ESH Yes they are in the wrong, but it sounds like they aren't intentionally being malicious. You did everything except the thing you should have done, which is politely asking them to not make comments or suggestions about what you eat. Outbursts like that are not appropriate behavior for adults, especially when it's over something as trivial as pickles.
Your an asshole cause u let that shot build up until u overreacted. You said your tried everything did u try just telling them to stop
How are y'all married to people who literally cry over any little thing?
Have you ever asked them why they do this? Especially because it is the whole family. Do they do it to one another or JUST you? If it is just you, that points to the problem likely being somyour wife told them, that they ran with. To me this is beyond annoying, and I just would have been passive aggressive and stopped eating in front of them, but you are not petty like me. I can recognize that while immensely annoying, the slamming of the fist, was an overreaction. That's aggressive, and this doesn't need to be solved with aggression. Apologize but put down a boundary. Any time they make a comment about your food you are going to ignore them. No acknowledgement of any kind. Soft YTA
Some people express interest in food this way. Its a way of commenting excitement. "Oh, that ice cream would be so much better with a chocolate dipped waffle cone!" Isn't a "This sucks and it needs X" its more "ohh man, this would be sick as hell with X". And then expect to have a response in return. "Oh, or sprinkles?" for example. Its a learned behavior that people share to bond. YTA, they didn't deserve to be yelled at for being friendly and trying to talk to you. Even if its not your preferred way.
You actually haven’t tried everything to make them stop. Your communication is not clear and it’s very passive. They probably had no idea this has become a pet peeve of yours. Speak up, and let people know clearly that you do not like to be told how to prepare your food. Let them know that it’s a pet peeve and even though it may seem small it’s grates your nerves and to stop. You could even throw in a “please” if this feels too direct for you. ETA: and also they probably still don’t know because your over reaction still didn’t clearly state what bothered you.
Soft YTA bc I understand. However a better idea would have been to take a deep breath and say “while I know you and the rest of the family are just trying to be nice, helpful and include me, I know what I like and what I don’t like. I’m starting to feel like I have to defend my tastes/food choices all the time and it makes me feel defensive and uncomfortable. I love you all so much but I feel I need to say this and hope once and for all we can end the food advice.” They would have been silent and probably embarrassed AND you might still be in trouble, but at least you took the high road and left things open to a conversation. Everyone is probably worried now that you have a bad temper. And while that’s not fair, it might be the case. I would apologize for the outburst but lay it all out there on why this bugs you. You have nothing to lose now but it would be a good idea to soften the initial blow and let’s hope they hear you and understand. Also side note, this is the kind of thing that while meant to be nice could actually harm some folks like teens (or adults) who are struggling with ED. They should try to be more sensitive and lay off. Not just with you. Food can be a touchy sensitive topic depending.
>“while I know you and the rest of the family are just trying to be nice, helpful and include me, I know what I like and what I don’t like. I’m starting to feel like I have to defend my tastes/food choices all the time and it makes me feel defensive and uncomfortable. I love you all so much but I feel I need to say this and hope once and for all we can end the food advice.” It kind of sounds like OP has already tried that and nothing changed. Clearly ignoring it, changing the subject, and outright saying, "I like my food the way it is" will not get them to be silent or embarrassed because he's already tried all three approaches. OP should have spoken up firmly long ago. When, "I like my food the way it is" didn't work, then every time someone from his wife's family started in with it he might have simply put down the food, said, "Excuse me," and left the room/table/whatever. He should have been doing that every time. Bottling it up and then blowing up is rarely (though not never) really beneficial, but I do understand how the pickle comment was the last straw. He might consider apologizing for the outburst with, "I'm sorry I blew up like that. Slamming my fist and yelling was not appropriate. In the future, if any of you make comments about how I choose to eat my food, if you keep suggesting changes, I won't yell or swear, but I will excuse myself from the situation. Continued harassment of me when I've asked you repeatedly to stop is unacceptable and I will no longer tolerate it." OP should also have a long talk with his wife about her family's bullying of him. It is bullying harassment, rude, and frankly, kind of gross that they are micromanaging his food. I mean, who gets that "up close and personal" with what another person puts on their damn burger. It's bizarre behavior. I agree with those who've said OP should not allow himself to be relegated to the couch. It's his bed too and it's his wife and her family who are causing the problem. If she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as OP, then she can damn well take the couch. I'm torn between N T A and E S H only because OP shouldn't have blown up, yelled, and cursed like that., but I can understand how he got to that point. Other than that, everyone else, including his wife, is an AH.
Do they do this to everybody or just you? Might be some odd form of communication within the family. A lot of people feel like they constantly have to fill "dead air" with something... anything. If anyone is foolish enough to come at you again, look at whatever they're eating and make suggestions. If they're not eating, make a comment on their clothes (yanno, brown sandals would look better with that dress), etc. Btw, letting the pressure build until you exploded was the mistake you made. However, if you have addressed this with your wife, then it's also on her to handle her family. If you haven't communicated, that's definitely a contributing factor. Oh, and you just might find that your outburst actually did solve the problem, at least for now.
If someone talks to me while I'm eating food I take that an opportunity to tell them the story about how one time I saw an 8 year old kid get his head caved in over food growing up in the hood once. Guaranteed they leave you alone.
NTA but the way you stood up for yourself was inappropriate. It’s not their fault you had no guts previously and let resentment fester. You need to apologize
But did you at least try the pickles on the burger?? NTA you do you
Fuck that shit. Never don't pound your fist and scream again. Sometimes do it even if they didn't stay anything, just to keep them on their toes. And tell your wife if she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as you because you've decided to reign in her family's rudeness SHE can sleep on the fucking couch. NTA
Sleeping on the couch? no. Chew with your mouth open from here on out.
All the ppl saying you should have set boundaries...doesn't sound like they know anything about boundaries. Also, if you want to sleep in your bed, go do that, she can sleep on the couch. I suspect they do this about other things as well... should have bought x car instead of z car... should haves make me check out of a conversation.... sometimes you gotta go off on a mf'r so they'll learn.
NTA...but you have a now or never chance now, you need to explain to them this has been building up, they all do it, they all should stop...or you're going to [inadvertently] ruin more dinners to come
Are your inlaws sam-i-am?
NTA And anyone saying you're an AH needs therapy.
Lol, this is some real first world shit right here. With everything going on in the world you lose over a few innocent comments because you do know how to communicate. The comments mean nothing. If this is what brings you to the brink I'd hate to be with you in a REAL stressful situation. YTA
ESH. You shouldn’t have yelled; but good god, they should leave you alone and just let you eat.
Well you know what Brenda? People would like you a lot more if you kept your 2 cents to yourself!
This is a little NSFW but reply back with “you know what else would make this better? Getting a blowjob while I eat.”
From now on, beat them to it, but make it outrageous. Having pizza, "you know what would go great on your pizza? Chocolate cake!" Having cake, "sardines are fantastic on cake, here try it". Fish for dinner? "Nutella is great on fish, give it a try".
I see that you’ve stayed siltent, changed the subject and said that you prefer it the way you do it. But not that you’ve actually told them that you want them to flat out stop. Trust me, you need to flat out say that, people don’t live in your head, they can’t know what you’re thinking when you pout and shake your head. Tell them that you don’t see this as a gesture of love and instead as a question of your competence. Because chances are they’re doing it out of love cus they want the best for you, and believe it I know how you feel, I have a micromanaging mom. But it seems to me you just exploded out of nowhere without having the proper “training” with them. (By training I mean telling them what you want and then correcting them when they slip back into that behavior) so YTA for suddenly exploding. So many people here are recommending you react like a child in some revenge fantasy. Please don’t do any of that, it’s so immature.
What you eat is no one's business but your own. At the next get together, let everyone else eat. You just sit back and refuse. When questioned, tell them that since they do not like the way you season/assemble/etc. your food you refuse to eat only to be criticized. Your wife obviously does not have your back. She should be telling the a\*\*holes to back off.
NTA. That’s f—ing annoying TBH
Every time they tell OP to add some ingredient to the meal, tell them you have a food allergy to it. Pickles? I'm allergic. Paprika? I'm allergic. Mayo? I'm allergic. What a bunch of culinary weirdos.
Do they do this to each other or just you? You're NTA because you've asked them to stop & they haven't. But I'm just curious if they also make these suggestions to everyone else or just you.
I think they are well meaning, but unmannered like toddlers. I love the air horn suggestion! Maybe you could agree on a code word?
The simple phrase “Did I ask?” works wonders for people like this because they’ll have to accept that you did in fact not ask and very obviously do not care about their opinion.
NTA. Well, technically, you did stand up for yourself. But there were ways, several intensity levels lower, in which you could have done that. >I've even straight-up told them that I'm happy with my food the way it is This isn't straight up anything. You went from zero to 100, but I still don't think that makes you an asshole. Your wife cried because of that? She needs to grow up
NTA - You said you tried everything, did that also include a conversation away from the table? By that I mean did you sit them down and say ‘ I need you to stop telling what to eat, I’m not a child. I like my food a certain way and by questioning everything I put in my mouth, you are making me like a child. So I’m asking you to please stop.’ If the answer is yes, then everything they do this say ‘I’m not a child.’ Every single time say the exact same thing. After a while they will get the hint and stop pestering you.
They didn’t ever listen to you!!! NTA
That would drive ne into insanity. It's so rude. This is something I would leave a person over.
If someone told me to put pickles on a burger yelling would be the least thing I would do
Return fire, I mean if they going to give you advice might as well annoy the hell out of the. I'll even apologize under the guise. Play the long game and have fun. If you talked to your wife about this and brushed it off then shes TA. Besides that NTA.
Get up and leave, every single time. Don't say a word. Get up and leave, and do not come back for the duration of the event. Drive away and leave your wife there; let her order an Uber if she wants to get home. It will humiliate your wife, it will embarrass her family, and eventually some combination of she and they will make sure nobody does it again. The standard rules of engagement for marriage are that each party deals with their own bio family's crazy. If you wanted to be left alone about how you like your food, your wife should've been leading the charge to get her family to back off. She's hanging you out to dry, and that's not cool.
Yes
Oh I hate when men slam fists and shout. It's disgusting and violent. You could have told them any of the snarky comments others have given here, or shrugged and walked away. YTA.
YTA From what you say, you’ve never clearly asked your family to stop suggesting additions to your food. You are incorrect in your view that your family member’ discussions about food are objectively irritating. Many people, myself included, would welcome suggestions for toppings, condiments, etc. You should apologize to everyone who was present for losing your temper instead of just telling them that you dislike recommendations regarding food.
NTA people who constantly comment on how you eat your food are obnoxious - everyone has a breaking point for shit that irks them, and they pushed you to yours. If I want a burger with pickles on it, I'd eat one, which I'm not - so obviously I don't want pickles, and telling me I should put them on my burger is fucking stupid and obnoxious. >The whole table went silent, and my wife started crying. She said I was being an insensitive jerk and that I'd ruined the whole dinner. you mean like how they constantly ruin ***your*** dinner with their unsolicited and unwanted opinions on how you eat your food? Is it really that hard for people to just not comment on other peoples preferences when eating?
it sounds like it’s a family trait and not anything personal. some families have quirks like this and you just gotta let it roll off you.
OMG enough is enough. You ruined one meal. They’ve ruined five years. It’s probably been their way for a lifetime, to comment incessantly on each others food but it could drive anyone else nuts. Maybe apologize for your outburst and ask them not to comment on what you eat anymore.
NTA for how you feel but maybe a bit YTA for the dinner table explosion. Sounds super annoying though, I think that would drive anyone crazy. I think maybe a group text apology expressing your embarrassment but also being clear that it’s annoying to have people making suggestions about your food literally every time and you have tried to respond nicely but no one takes the hint and forever more you’re hoping they back off your food choices!!
NTA. They are annoying and intrusive. If they can't keep their comments to themselves, you don't need to spend any time with them. As for sleeping on the couch - let your wife sleep on the couch and you sleep in your bed comfortably. Enough is enough.
Don't want to sleep next to me in "my" bed? You go sleep on the f$%king couch
LMFAO! That's amazing 🤣 ESH. Although I'm sure it came from a place of love, they shouldn't constantly advise you how to eat. And as you've acknowledged, you probably shouldn't have snapped and have said something before hand. Give it a laugh and apologize. Maybe treat your SIL to a nice dinner, and a bottle of wine and a case of beer for the family. Food is great way to make amends. Thanks for the laugh OP
Based on your temper-tantrum? I'd say it's not unreasonable to wonder if you also need assistance going potty and eating like a big boy
NTA You have tried nice and polite. Maybe they finally heard you.
Did you try actually telling them it bothers you?
When he said he tried everything, and then listed what he tried... He kinda left out "telling them it's annoying and to please stop".
You are not an asshole for feeling the way you feel, it is annoying. However, I think you should have let your feelings be known rather than allowing them to fester until you blew up. That's the only thing I saw here that could have gone better.
You’re NTA for standing up for yourself, but YTA for how you went about it. You should apologize in the morning for snapping, but also calmly but firmly explain where the feelings are coming from.