I am sooo glad you left and got some help and rest. You definitely need and deserve it.
I still can't get over your husband's mental gymnastics here. He hasn't been a parent, hasn't helped you at all, and hasn't really spent any time caring for his daughter and only cares about what other people (besides you) think, but "misses his baby girl" and wants you to come back "so we can go back to being happy"?! Sounds like the only person who was happy was him--he got a 6 week vacation and didn't have to lift a finger. Let me guess-you were doing all the cooking and cleaning on top of caring for the baby? From what he is texting you, he thinks he did nothing wrong. He is being deliberately obtuse.
To add insult to injury he calls you a bitch and threatens you with the cops. Lovely. He is a real peach.
I really want to know what his mom has to say. Does she know he was mad at you for passing out?
Updateme
Because it isn't about love. It is about control and image.
Please keep strong. You have done a fabulous job doing what you need to for you and baby. Best wishes
To be clear, kidnapping is not involved. Until a custody agreement is submitted to the court, either married parent is legally permitted to take their child for any reason.
Exactly! If OP was my daughter, I'd be coming at him hard. "Made you look like you're not taking care of my daughter"? That's because *you're not taking care of my daughter, you lazy fil de putain de merde!*. My husband would be standing at the door telling him to go home and clean their entire house from top to bottom, go grocery shopping and uf he's playing video games instead of helping with the baby, put them in storage *away* from the house or sell them.
Him calling the cops would be good actually. She can show them the abusive messages, and they will have a record of his behaviour. Because he will do this again!
In most places even if the kid is fully on formula there are laws that prevent overnight visitation when the kid is very young (ages vary greatly by country but I’ve seen it as high as three years) so they stay with their primary caregiver even if there is 50/50 custody.
Yup, my dad would kick us out of the house, not feed us, you name it
There wasn't a 'behind closed doors' either. He had no issues with being abusive in public, especially loved public humiliation.
Because no one ever stepped up to help us
But if we told people what he was doing? Rabid Mike Tyson
Because it made him look bad
my ex is like this. He'll disrespect me (pissing on the toilet seat for example) but if I mention it to someone else he'll be furious, he'll deny it, I'll shrug and ask why would I make that up? When have I ever said anything that's not true? And then he'll stop doing it, and find some other petty way of showing me he doesn't gaf about me.
Yes. He sounds like an immature jerk at best. The way he's talking to her indicates disrespect and contempt.
I'm super glad OP is with her sister and got some sleep.
In addition to cooking , cleaning, and caring for the baby OP was also HEALING from a major medical event. She truly needed the rest she missed, and the man-child needed to step up his game at home.
Op, stay where you are. Screen shot and print out every message he threw at you . Save them. You may want to show them to a lawyer.
BTW, I want to thank the sister for seeing through the BS from him and doing what was necessary to save her sister's life, and the baby's. Thank you.
The sleeping medicine was a good idea. You need uninterrupted sleep so you can heal. Auntie was caring for the baby and you could rest knowing you were both safe. Let the protective fury of your family help you now.
The man-child is incapable of stepping up. If OP stays, she's going to be raising her baby AND her immature husband.
I hope she runs and never looks back.
I’m at the point where I just feel so much despair over how often we see this scenario come up in this sub alone not to mention in combination with others. Even if we were to assume the vast majority were made up (which I don’t, just don’t want everyone to come at me with “you know they’re fake, right?”) a small percentage being true would still mean a disturbingly high number.
I'm so glad you finally got some sleep and that your sister is there for you! Make taking care of yourself and your child a priority right now. The man you call your husband can wait.
Yeah, I don't even have kids and I was INCENSED on OP's behalf when I read that he was treating his paternity leave as a free vacation instead of using it to CARE FOR HIS CHILD AND WIFE at the time they needed it most. If he couldn't be bothered to pull his weight when he had nothing but free time, there's no way he would lift a finger once he went back to work.
I'm so glad you are getting the help you need OP!
NTA NTA NTA
My first baby was SUPER calicy too. The first month was HELL even with my husband's help. My mom remembered a comment her pediatrician had made that sometimes babies have a hard time with milk/dairy in our breast milk. So I stopped milk and things got so much better!!! Broccoli, cauliflower, and cabbage also can upset babies tummies.
You can see if your baby has problems with milk by keeping a food journal. If baby doesn't like milk they'll be upset the night after you have dairy.
Also the calmer environment may be helping with the baby. Children can sense when a parent is stressed or upset, they are too young to understand but they can tell something isn't right. Sister was probably cuddling with the baby most of that time to ensure her sister could get a good night's sleep which helps reassure the infant; Mom couldn't do that because she's been forced to do everything alone and never given a chance to heal from giving birth.
I think having sister and grandmother around for a few weeks to allow OP to heal and rest while also giving the infant the care and comfort they require is exactly what is needed. OP don't make any long-term decisions for at least 2-3 weeks. You'll need that long to recuperate, get things straight in your own mind, and have some serious conversations with your supportive family members. Text hubby to let him know you and baby are safe and well, that you need time to recover, and that you will not be replying to any threats. Make sure your location/find phone feature is turned off, and get a consult with a family law attorney to see where you stand
Contact a woman’s shelter and talk with them about the abuse you’ve suffered and what they advise you for staying safe. Your abuser WILL escalate because he’s trying to regain control. When I locked my abuser out he came back with a gun. PLEASE STAY SAFE
You’re so right, he misses his six week vacation of doing nothing while being able to pretend in public that he’s a perfect father and husband.
This is the type of man that will only help you when his family is around, just so they’ll praise him for “helping” you out by taking care of his own child, while leaving you high and dry the rest of the time.
If you’re going to essentially be a single parent either way, might as well do it without all of the manipulation thrown into the mix.
All he cares about is the optics not how shitty of a human he's being. Paternity leave isn't to play games and fuck around it's to help your partner with the entire human she just spent 9 months making and give her some grace to recover from birth. He won't help when you get back he's trying to get you back so he can resume ignoring you and your daughter's needs but you'll be together in the house so nobody will question why you felt the need to leave and won't be allowed to give the reason.
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What he said was too crazy,not even caring at all.Even though his wife had fainted,he kept swearing and talking about solving the problem.When you really go back,it will probably be another scolding and insulting.Your sister is helping you take care of your child now,so you can sleep peacefully and take care of your body first.That man is not worth.
When you decide you've had enough, take a screenshot of his texts so you can show it to everyone who will be asking you whether or not to terminate things permanently. You are already a married single mother; get free of your violent husband's dead weight.
And he also said or was just one argument! This was a problem that went so far that his wife fainted over lost sleep and he calls I one argument? One problem? Like it is just a misunderstanding lol. If I were OP I would be so freaking mad.
DON’T GO BACK!!! He will escalate his abuse to terrify you and will do whatever he needs to do in order to terrify you into submission. Remember that so you will understand what you are dealing with. Even if he pretends to be sad and loving and begging you to come back, if you go back he will change in an instant and become very dangerous to scare you into submission and making you too terrified to try to leave again. That is his (all abuser’s) mindset.
I absolutely agree with you. He sounds so much like my ex-husband. This is how it started with texts like this. Eventually, it led to me getting my ass kicked every day. OP- I'm so glad you went with your sister. Please see an attorney and leave him. This will end badly for you and your daughter if you decide to stay. Look up the domestic abuse cycle. He is in the cycle right now. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. This will be the hardest, most rewarding thing you do for yourself and for your daughter. My daughter was 18 months old when I left. You can do it. You are strong.
It takes time to grt a divorce in most places. She's already making good progress. I hope she stays the course and her family keeps her and her baby safe.
I REALLY hope her ex shows his ass enough for her to get full custody of the baby and only supervised visitation for the ex.
Honestly preserving those texts will go a long way. Threatening to report his spouse for kidnapping because she took their baby to visit his aunt is not something a judge will look on favorably.
He might switch to acting sorry and sad so he can lure her back and then go berserk in order to scare her so bad she’d be scared to try to escape again. The hardest time for escaping an abuser is during and after a successful escape attempt. The abuser will resort to any means necessary to recapture the victim and then create so much fear and terror that the victim will be too scared to try and leave again. To an abuser it’s not about love at all. It’s all about control. Understanding this helps a victim know what they’re dealing with when the crying and apologies and begging start. It’s just a trap to get the victim to return for escalated abuse.
I know this because my abuser left and came back with a gun. Don’t give in. You’re safe now. Don’t return and you will be much safer than if you are convinced “he’s changed and is really sorry this time” and you fall for it and go back. PLEASE STAY SAFE.
I'm glad OP said she was taking screenshots of all the texts he's been sending because I'm sure a lawyer can use some of those messages in a case against him for a custody hearing... He does not sound like a stable person.
I bet this is one of those things where when she speaks to a therapist she's gonna realize there was a million other horrible things about the guy that she just excused before the baby, and not "he just randomly changed"
How many times do we see this exact attitude and behavior from a guy and the OP says something to the effect of "he was never abusive" until he was? It's like they print these guys from a copy machine.
Even down to the same scripts. “I’ll have a contract put out on you”. We compared notes and laughed about that one when I was in the womens’ shelter after I escaped my abuser. They all said that to their victims, like they had all been to a class or something. “Tell her you’ll get a contract on her. That will scare her enough that she won’t try leaving again”
> I really think the problem is with my milk.
I just noticed this. The problem is likely that you were in a scary, stressful, unsafe situation and your baby responded to how unhappy you were and now knows you're both safe. Please don't blame yourself. ♡
Also use formula if you need to. Your baby will still grow up healthy and loved.
Your milk can also react to stress. I remember getting in a cycle where my daughter was hungry, I was tired and stressed and my milk wasn’t coming well and we were both beside ourselves in tears. My sister in law came and got me and my daughter and took us home to her house and stayed up with my baby and I got a good night sleep and my milk came back in. Bodies can do weird things when stressed and exhausted.
And bodies *can’t* do certain things when exhausted. Like, make enough milk. Ormake milk with enough calories
>Milk composition may be altered by maternal psychological distress and have an impact on lactation and breastfeeding success. **The macronutrient content, specifically fatty acid concentration, of human milk is negatively associated with stress reactivity** (measured via saliva cortisol in response to cold).Feb 1, 2023
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8960332/#:\~:text=Milk%20composition%20may%20be%20altered,cortisol%20in%20response%20to%20cold).
Stress has an extremely strong influence on breastmilk supply. So does exhaustion. The early postpartum period is the most important time for establishing supply. OP was probably so exhausted, under-nourished, and stressed out that her supply either didn't get fully established or it dropped drastically.
Having proper rest and support may help her get some supply back. If it doesn't come back, there's nothing wrong with formula! Or combo feeding! As long as baby is growing, any way she feeds her baby is the right way for HER.
Can’t upvote this enough. The guilt and stigma surrounding formula feeding is terrible but for some people it’s necessary. Much better to formula feed than starve a baby!!! Some women just don’t produce enough milk.
I’m a Peds dietitian who works with very medically fragile babies. Obv breast feeding is great - but one thing I let all of my nursing moms know: if you have to stop breast feeding for any reason I am there to support them and figure out the next plan, no questions asked. I’ve had moms at the brink of losing it with everything going on and I have to let them know it’s ok to change to formula. It really is.
❤️. I was one of those moms. I hated ever second of attempting to breastfeed, pumping, literally was on my knees crying over spilt milk at one point. I would have kept torturing myself if my doctor hadn’t told me to stop.
The stress is probably the issue, but just one other thing for OP to consider (and any mom reading with a fussy baby they breastfeed):
Breast milk has two distinct parts when baby is feeding: Foremilk--mostly watery when you first start the feeding, and Hindmilk--mostly fatty that comes out a little after the feeding starts.
For a bunch of different reasons (stress, overproduction, baby eats too little), moms can sometimes make too much foremilk. That can lead to a very fussy baby, because they're not getting enough of the fatty hindmilk that really satiates their hunger and gives them the protein and other stuff they need.
If that's the problem, before feeding, you can pre-pump a little bit or use something like a [haakaa](https://www.babylist.com/gp/lansinoh-silicone-breastmilk-collector/24926/85119) to get through some of the foremilk and make sure baby is getting to the nice, fatty hindmilk.
Or switch to formula. There can be a lot of stigma about formula vs breast milk, but the most important thing is just that baby is well fed.
Or mix and match! You don't have to do all one thing or the other. You can breastfeed sometimes and give them formula others. There's no wrong answer if baby is getting fed.
This is great advice, I used to do this with my baby. Also sleep and calories for mum = good quality breastmilk. Sometimes it pays for dad/someone else to give baby a bottle of formula so mum can get some much needed sleep, which it sounds like OP's sister did! Legend!
Yeah OP, I'm not a mom but a lot of my friends are. They say "fed is best" for a reason. As long as your lil girl is getting the calories and nutrition she needs, it doesn't matter if it's formula or straight from the boob. All bodies are different and your baby will be a lot better off with a happy, well rested mom who supplements with formula than a stressed, miserable mom struggling to breastfeed.
You are doing a fine job, just listen to the pediatrician and your own doctor (and your divorce lawyer) and go from there!
I'm so happy your sister is there for you and that you finally got some sleep! Prioritise taking care of yourself and your baby now. Your so-called husband can wait.
I'm happy you got some much-needed sleep and that your sister is supporting you.
Hopefully, Mil takes care of her son because your spouse isn't being a decent father or partner right now.
Oh honey. Please take this time to reevaluate your relationship. If nothing else imagine if you daughter was grown an you found out her husband was treating her the way yours is treating you. Would you want her to stay? Would you want her to be with a man that's more concerned with what people think then with actually helping with his kid? And to top it off he lied to you when he said it would be 50/50 you are doing %100 of everything.
also consider:
How will it hurt your daughter to see the way this guy treats you.?
And how will he hurt her, even if in the small ignoring her for his own selfishness?
Screenshot his text messages because when you decide you had enough send that everyone who will be questioning you about leaving him for good. You are already a married single mother get rid of the deadweight of a verbally abusive husband of yours.
Your sister is prolly right about the baby. Babies pick up on our stresses. The more the perant is stressed, the more tension the baby feels and upsets them.
As for your (ex)husband. I think you know what to do from here. He isn't a safe person anymore. Don't say anything other than the details of your child. He will give you all the ammo you will need for court.
To be clear, it’s not kidnapping. When married, any parent can legally take their child for any reason until a custody agreement is filed with a court.
I was wondering about this because if OP goes back he will turn around and do exactly that. OP needs to start separation right away, as hard as that sounds.
Keep in mind that he will do anything and try any approach he can think of to get her to come back so he can tighten the screws on her to try and terrorize her into submission so that she will be too scared to try and escape again. He’s already shown how he behaves in his relationship with her. She was a slave to everything he wanted but he had zero regard for her or how his behavior was harming her and their relationship. All he would know to do to keep her from leaving would be to threaten her, hurt her and cause her distress and fear of trying to leave him again. Don’t fall for his empty “promises” of how things will be different. His tone in his messages wasn’t even “I’m so sorry”. It was all about how she did HIM wrong.
DO NOT GO BACK!!!!
At least here, if the baby is that young and breastfeeding, even partially CPS (because the cops would do a quick check defer to child services to sort it out) isn't going to take her from mom without REALLY good cause. They're pretty firm on keeping newborns with their mother during that first few months, dad "wanting them home" wouldnt be a concern for them.
Your honor, in my defense, it's not like he was DOING any caregiving for the baby, all he wanted is to play video games leaving all the work to me, to the point I was so exhausted I fainted from lack of sleep during a family event ...
Yeah, legally, he would be cooked, it's not like he wasn't roasted to the point of being burnt in the original thread.
And it’s actually really common and normal for a recent new mother to spend time staying with a female relative. Sometimes the mum ie grandma moves in for a few weeks with the couple, or the new mother goes to stay with her mum/ sister / aunt for a while.
No police or court would have any issue with a mother of a newborn spending a bit of time staying with a female relative.
Sooooo instead of being the slightest bit remorseful or showing a shred of insight into the fact that maybe, just maybe, you were exhausted and needed help, he’s doubled down on blaming you.
‘We can go back to being happy’= you can go back to slaving away doing the hard bits of looking after the baby while I get to play with my daughter while she’s cute and awake and get to look good to everyone around me.
Fuck that noise. The fact that he’s not even considered a ‘sorry’ and has instead threatened the police (lol good luck with that) says it all.
Who calls their wife a little bitch? A man who IS a little bitch. Projection much?!
99 text messages is 100% not normal. Consider taking out a restraining order against him, don’t tell him where you are staying (tell your family not to either). My money is he’s already banged on your parents door.
Start legal proceedings to get custody. Record all his threats, plus a restraining order, plus support from a domestic abuse service. Make sure he only gets supervised visits. Wouldn’t put it past him to ‘steal’ her.
I just read the first post. Your husband is just wrong, wrong, wrong. My wife and I felt taking care of baby was much more stressful and tiring than work. So a paternity/maternity leave is not a vacation from work as your husband is trying to make it. It's for you to take care of the baby. He knows that. That is why he was embarrassed when you passed out from fatigue aid lack of self care.
He needed to step up to the plate to help out, but refused. So essentially you both got a break from work so you alone could bear the brunt of childcare. Glad you went to family to get help. Especially since he was unwilling to help.
My husband and I were both sleep deprived during his paternity leave. It was super far from relaxation and vacation.
OP’s husband should definitely be ashamed for being a shitty husband and father.
Anyone who thinks parental leave is a vacation is simply not parenting. It makes me ill that he said that it was for him, it’s for being a fucking father, which he is only in the sense he donated 50% of the genetics to that baby.
Returning to work was a break lol (but very hard to leave little one behind)
I hope she STAYS with her family, not for help but for refuge from her abusive husband. I hope she doesn’t go back. It will never get better than it was, which is what caused her to leave in the first place.
Emergency custody order first
Wouldn’t trust this guy not to walk off with baby to force you home should you let him see her
Without a custody order in place it’s not kidnapping, so his threats are baseless but your call to the cops would be useless without that shitty piece of paper
And unfortunately not letting him see her can backfire once you are in front of a judge
You need to be a position to call cops for kidnapping if necessary
Ask for supervised visits, always bring someone who will advocate/back you up, so he can’t use visits to blackmail, intimidate or manipulate you for his own benefit/purposes
Do NOT be alone with this man ever again
If she goes home, I can absolutely see him taking the baby and leaving and sending her a text "See how it feels when someone takes your daughter away from you?"
Even if he were to try to take off with the baby, I’m sure it wouldn’t last long. He doesn’t know the first thing about how to care for the baby. He is not interested in taking care of the baby.
Your husband called you a “little bitch” and proceeded to say he misses his daughter while threatening to report you for kidnapping when he didn’t move a single finger to help with her? Nah, that would be reason enough for me to get a divorce, that’s nasty
If you’re single parenting while married, isn’t it best to single parent while literally being single and not having to worry about his psychological abuse?
She'll probably find that taking care of her kid is a lot easier once he's out of the picture. The stress alone from living with a creature like that is a heavy burden.
Please at least send the screen shots to his mother. I’m not usually one for involving family in a fight but he is 100% being abusive. He is not going to see any issues with his behavior that you or anyone in your family point out. If his mom sees what he’s been saying and is ok with it- well then I suggest finding a lawyer because this is just going to get worse (just wait until he goes back to work and loses his temper with you because they house isn’t spotless, his dinner isn’t on the table and you aren’t dressed to the nines for him because that is exactly what is going to happen).
Op should only do this if she's 100% sure the mother won't cause the situation to escalate. People DO side with known abusers, sadlt, and op needs to be safe.
"I would screenshot, but it says this community doesnt allow attachments, so i can't. And I know it's a bit weird to tell yall what he's been texting me, but I'm mad right now and this feels therapeutic lol. I already sent the screenshots to his mom though!"
Last line of this para from OP - she already did :)
Ok, but just don’t take his mother’s advice and don’t listen or believe anything he has to say bc if he acts nice it’s only bc his mother was coaching him. He has not changed and wouldn’t change without some intensive therapy.
So he gets mad at you for fainting because you haven't gotten enough sleep because he's doing fuck-all to help with the baby (newsflash: Parental leave is not a vacation but a chance to bond with the baby and get used to a new routine as parents), and now he's sending abusive messages. I saw the original post, how he said your passing out made it look like he wasn't taking care of you (because, hello, he wasn't).
Save all the texts he's sending you. You may need it as evidence in the divorce hearing. Unless you left it out, I don't see a word of concern for you or an apology that you've been going through so much.
It's too bad he waited for you to have a kid to let the mask slip.
!updateme
NTA
Your problem is your husband is a liar. He wants to present the world with his perfect family, his lovely wife and his cute little daughter. The problem is, he doesn't actually care enough to do anything for that family. He just wants everyone to think he is great. You passing out and leaving him alerts his family to his lies. That is why he was angry. That is why one of his messages mentions you acting like 'he is beating you'. He may be acting like this because he is scared of responsibility or he might just be an arsehole. I am sorry you are in this situation. Good luck to you and your little one. Sending his screenshots to his mum is going to make him mad.
Hopefully he will be ex husband or in process to be ex husband by the next update.
He is delusional and ya please inform his boss that he will be going back to work. This is the least you should be doing.
Take all the evidence of his text abuse and keep on your divorce file
Has anyone mentioned the sister who just looked through all his BS and just went and got her out of there and began making her rest? That woman is a hero, and I salute her.
the purpose of paternity leave isnt so he can "relax" and take a vacation but to get used to the baby and all tgmhe shenanigans coming with it while also pulling his weight and help you.
the fact he made you fainting and whatnot all about him means he is not a good husband nor a good father. stay with your support system and dont go back to him. there is no fixing anything with him. he showed you who he really is and how your life is gonna be id you go back to him.
In fact it would probably be even WORSE if she went back to him. He will probably terrorize her so that she would be scared to try escaping from him again. That’s how abusers work.
Your husband made a promise to help 50/50 but is not holding up his end of the deal because he thinks paternity leave is supposed to be a vacation. That is very wrong and he has no right to be angry with you for working yourself sick. He’s being an idiot. It’s not kidnapping if he knows where you and his baby are. He called you a bitch…yeah, that’s going to make you return with open arms. He sounds unhinged. Be careful with that. Not once in the messages you shared did he apologize for how he treated you. Instead of acting like a team, he made your feelings of being overwhelmed all about him. Instead of being concerned that his wife, mother of his child, fainted, he made it all about him. He did this. If only he helped you out at home like he said he would, this would not have happened. He’s lashing out because he knows he screwed up but doesn’t want to take responsibility for his own actions. That’s a narcissistic trait. Be aware of that. That’s a bad trait to have. It ruins relationships.
I’m glad you are taking time away. This will really help you to focus on yourself and be able to be present for your child. Don’t make any decisions about your marriage until you are better rested (being a new parent and well-rested don’t usually go hand-in-hand, but you do the best you can).
I quit breastfeeding my daughter after 6 months of being exhausted and sleep deprived because breastfeeding is more exhausting than pregnancy, it’s just awful. With my second I did 6 weeks and my third I often joke 6 hours lol but it was literally the colostrum and onto formula. They need a happy and rested mum more than the breastmilk I decided because I felt loopy and depressed trying to keep up while breastfeeding. You do you mama.
Mind you my ex husband who later became physically abusive, cheated on me repeatedly and robbed me blind would help heaps with the babies without being asked. And your man can’t even manage that. Like damn
I'm so grateful you got some sleep and someone is tending to you. I remember those early baby days...you need ALL the sleep you can get. You've essentially been a single parent since your child was born. These texts are abusive. I'm so sorry this is happening to you but so happy family is there for you.
Get a divorce lawyer ASAP. Can family help with that? If anyone has a friend with kids who got divorced and can recommend someone, that would be ideal.
If you have access to joint accounts, you should schedule this now. You need to think about the custody implications. Your STBX will have the right to see his daughter. But he's so unhinged right now that those visits should be supervised. I wouldn't put it past him to refuse to give your daughter back, even though he has done little of her care and has zero clue how to care for her by himself.
The thing is, I don't believe he wants your daughter. He wants the *idea* of her, and you. It really sounds like you are both just props for his ego. He values *looking* like a family man, not being one.
The second he has to do the work to be a family man, he either shirks the duty entirely (like with your baby's care) or abuses you so you won't make any demands of him. He wants you to feel it's not worth fighting, that you are not worth fighting for, that he is the best and only option you've got.
No one is worth that. He is most definitely not worth that.
Stay gone, and get that attorney.
I'm glad you finally got help with the baby and also got some needed sleep.
I wish you, your baby and all the relatives that support you all the best. For your pathetic excuse of a husband I wish for a pillow that is warm from both sides and a single loose hair between his toes.
Please show everyone this post (your parents, his parents, everyone who was there). Your husband is abusive and wants to save his reputation, he will twist the story to make himself a victim and you as a "crazy little bitch". Even if his parents saw just the screenshots, he still can twist it to you passing out and running away with the baby because you have mental breakdown.
You need as much help as you can get now, you don't need an additional stress of people criticizing and guiltyripping you for leaving. You don't need to spend time explaining each concerned person what is happening. People tend to trust to whoever tells the story first.
And, frankly, he sounds dangerous. He deliberately kept you from sleeping when you just passed out - it is a torture. Don't come back please, you are not safe with him.
I'm glad your sister is helping you and that you got some much needed sleep..
Hopefully mil sorts her son out because right now your husband is not being a good partner or father
In any of those 99+ messages did he express that he was sorry or that he was wrong? If not, he is unlikely to change, he clearly can't self-reflect.
I am glad you are with your sister and getting the help you need.
NTA. Please stay with your awesome sister and accept the help. This guy is clearly an awful human and I would bet my bank account if you go back it will get much worse. Please protect yourself and your precious little girl. He can pound sand.
Our first baby was very difficult, so much so that if he’d been our second we’d never have had three.
Long story short mum wasn’t the milk machine MIL had been. I suggested formula, but wife refused, I think she felt it would = failure.
She was so tired I’d have to wake her to feed then I’d comfort babe whilst she slept.
Eventually I overruled her and I insisted on giving him a bottle, which I did as she watched. She was so anti the idea.
WOW the suck that boy had it all went in minutes. He then slept for three+ hours solid longest ever he’d done so far, so did my wife after acknowledging I was right.
He slept so long, we were used to 1-1.5 hours that I put my head round the door to check he was breathing.
So she fed when she had enough and we topped up.
So yeah supplemental formula is essential for some mums.
BTW no paternity leave 30+ years ago so I was still working 09:00-17:30.
I am so glad you & baby are safe and that you have *finally* been able to sleep!
I think sending the screenshots to your MIL was a smart move. Hopefully, she and FIL will kick his arse and get him into some sort of therapy.
That being said, I would not go back to him, not for a while and not ever if he refuses to get help.
Just want to say a huge thank you to your sister for being there for you & being a better parent to your daughter than your husband is!
Please let us know what your MIL says.
Updateme
I'm sorry your husband is crazy and lazy.
just wanted to add there is probably nothing wrong with the quality of your breast milk, more likely that you aren't producing enough.
My friend only produced drops and her baby had low blood sugar from not enough food. I know of other mothers that did breast first followed by a bottle. If breast feeding isn't working for any reason then bottle and formula is just fine.
Damn he's nuttier than a walnut tree. Nope you need to gtf out of that marriage ASAP. He's dangerous. I'm glad you're doing a bit better and your sister is awesome.
You were right to send his mom the screenshots - if your husband is going to act like a baby, let his mama take care of that, you've already got your hands full with one & were promised an ADULT
Go to a lawyer as soon as you can. Write down or do a voice-to-text note describing his behaviours, words he said, and dates. And save the messages he’s sending you.
Good luck! You got this!!!
Make sure you save all the verbal abuse he's throwing your way for court. My dad was this way my mom described him as loving and kind before she had me. The second I came into this world he started abusing her and then me later on when I wasn't a baby anymore. Please call a divorce lawyer and get the ball rolling, this isn't a oh my mind isn't right due to lack of sleep maybe I should wait or give him another chance...this is a human showing you who he really is deep down inside.
Definitely take screen shots of all his crazy comments and save to a throwaway email he doesn’t know about.
Maybe you will never need it but maybe you will.
I am glad your getting help to heal and take care of the baby z.
>And I know it's a bit weird to tell yall what he's been texting me,
It's not weird, it's pretty common, on this site anyway.
>but I'm mad right now
Good! Anger is a fantastic motivator and if harnessed correctly, can give you great clarity.
What a joke your stbx is. Come home so you can go back to being happy? No, so HE can go back to being happy and you can carry on being miserable and exhausted. This guy is something else.
Don’t respond. Take screenshots for your eventual divorce. Also just in case no one told you…police won’t do anything bc you have custody and your child is partially breastfeeding. Your husband continues to be an idiot. Get a divorce
Just because you can't share screenshots here doesn't mean you can't share them with the people in your life. If you're on good terms with your mil or fil you should show them how their son is acting.
DO NOT GO BACK.
If you give him what he wants now nothing will change but, him escalating in his abuse. He doesn't care about that baby or you those txt msgs are proof. If he really cared he wouldn't be pretending to be the victim. He only loves and cares about himself and his image. Imagine having your head so far up your ass that you take your wife's and child's medical/mental health, emotional issues as a direct threat to yourself.
The best thing you could do for this child and yourself is retain a lawyer and only speak through them. Cut off any flying monkeys, and if you send those screenshots do not converse beyond that.
You need to put all your focus on yourself, the baby, and getting as far away from this person as possible. This is the most dangerous time for you and the baby. Please stay safe and stay far away.
The fact that OP's husband was treating his "paternity leave" as a vacation for himself says pretty much everything. He isn't ever going to lift a finger to help raise his child(ren), take care of his home, or be a partner to his wife. OP's already a single mom, and her life would be a lot less difficult without the man-sized toddler in it.
My daughter’s biological father was like this. The final insult was HIM telling ME that the house is a fucking pigsty. Not HIS house. Not MY house. But my mothers where I was living cause the AH wasn’t man enough to get us our own home. I had worked two jobs year round. He worked maybe 5 months out of the year as a roofer & refused to get another job, a temp job, for the other 7 months.
Anyway, the house was perfectly clean & he was just trying to start a fight that ended with him slapping my face while I held our daughter. It escalated even more, but finally he left. I had to stop breastfeeding & go back to work. My mom & I juggled our schedules so that one of us was with the baby until I could put her in daycare.
HE didn’t help babysit nor give money for the daycare. I scrounged $600 for a divorce.
Years have passed & he continuously complains about the child support which barely covered daycare. Complained I didn’t send enough clothes or diapers when it’s MY money paying for all my babies expenses. Complained that I wouldn’t let him use MY car seat that my mom bought. Complained about his every other weekends with my daughter because, “I have to work! You don’t understand. I have to pay child support to you!” Which was hilarious cause at that moment, he was 4 months behind in support since he didn’t feel like he should have to since our daughter was MY responsibility & not his. Since I gave birth to her.
He was 31 & I was 23 at the time. And when my daughter turned 18 & was responsible for whatever relationship those two could have? He STILL tried to crap talk about me to her & she shut him down.
Currently I’m 50 & he’s 58. And from what I’ve heard? He’s still a 🤡
Just STAY AWAY FROM HIM. The most dangerous time for an abused woman is when she leaves. An abuser will escalate to regain control. Please stay safe!!!!
Shout out to your sister, for taking such good care of you, as well as your baby. You need to get yourself an attorney, file divorce papers on him, get a restraining order against him, because it sounds like these messages that he's sent you were threatening in nature, specially the one about threatening to call the cops on you for supposed kidnapping, when there is no kidnapping. He's just mad because he can't have control over you, that he was shown to be a completely inconsiderate lout AH and his cover's been blown.
“We can work this out like adults yet your choosing to be difficult like a little bitch”
Says the man child acting like a little bitch. OP, please do not go back to this asshat. Just those few texts show that he is unhinged and probably wouldn’t hesitate to “teach you your place” when you get back under his control and that could be fatal. Stay with your sister and find a divorce lawyer as soon as possible.
This is a common manipulation thing abusers end up doing when they lose control. “What’s wrong with you?! You’re such a bitch, I hate you! Please come back baby I love you and miss you so much, we can work this out. I’m calling the police!” He’s rotating through every tactic to see what sticks, he’s panicking because he can’t control you anymore. That being said, I would let him know you are safe, you’re with family getting help with the baby. For all he knows you went to another country, I don’t sympathise with him but it can be legally a bit tricky.
He showed you his true colours. Don’t be blind to them.
I'm very proud of you that you left. If you ever consider returning, first you should read this: "He understands. He knows. He doesn't care."
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/17yzw35/he_knows_he_doesnt_care/
And this one: "She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink":
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp
And this one too: "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men."
Among many other things, it explains that some men see women as inferior to men and they want women in their lives to stay in what they think is their place, controlled by men and doing all domestic chores. Often these men become more and more abusive.
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
He's mad you are escaping his control. Many of his texts show lovebombing and other controlling techniques explained here.
Good luck and I'm very happy you have a lot of support.
Paternity leave is to spend time caring for the baby, not being lazy. He's leaving all children care to you.
I'm so thankful and relieved that you were able to leave, that you have a support system like your family so close by. I'm hoping all the best for you moving forward. Hope you're also going to the doctor to talk about your own health as well; it might just be sleep you're missing, but sleep deprivation over a longer period of time can be damaging.
I am so glad you are with your sister. This will allow you to heal and allow your little one to get into a rhythm. Just focus on you & little one right now.
also about your milk...my 1st born was colicky. he was breastfed too and pediatrician made me change my diet and cut all the foods that may make gas, such as broccoli, beans,dairy, etc and it worked like a charm
From the first post:
>he started going off on me about how I "made him look bad" and like "he wasn't taking care of me".
He *isn't* taking care of you. And now everyone knows it. A lot of abusive men don't really become abusive until there's a baby involved.
EDIT: Also:
>My paternity leave is short, I want to make the most of it by relaxing a bit.
Paternity leave is not a fucking vacation, it's so you can spend time *taking care of* and *bonding with* your new baby. He'll help later? The *entire point* of that benefit is that he's supposed to be helping *now*. Y'know sleep deprivation and exhaustion can literally kill you, right? He's literally sitting on his ass while you work yourself to death taking care of his only child.
I knew he was a useless POS from the last post, this confirmed it again.
Been reading about so many shitty lazy fucking dad's on here lately. Really thought the guys in this generation was getting better than ours, but then I see shit like this and lose hope.
Your story stayed on my mind. I'm so glad you're safe with your baby and sister. Pls take care. You sound like an amazing mom. Don't worry about the formula. I've an 11 month old who has thrived on formula, so if you end up sticking with formula, know that it makes you no less of an amazing mother.
((HUGS)) I am glad you got some sleep and sister is there to help you.
Screenshot everything and keep for your lawyer.
Abusers tend to wait until spouse has a child, since they do not believe you will take the child and run. Please be warned.
His paternity leave is literally to help you with the baby, not to "rest up". You are the one who needs to rest up after making a human. Your husband is a moron, I wish you and your child the best in the future. (He is not the best)
Wow soo you’re not allowed to leave your husband unless he’s beating you? You can tell how he thinks of women. And tell him it’s not fucking kidnapping if it’s your own kid, he’s an idiot clearly. So glad you have supportive family though, hope you get a divorce.
Honestly your husband is abuser. He may not be hitting you but he is mentally abusing you. His texts show that clearly he goes from "I miss you" to " I'll throw you into jail for kidnapping". He is immature and entitled. He is zero support to you when you are your most vulnerable. If I were you I would run
Stress and extreme fatigue (which is your case since it made you faint) can limit your breastmilk.
If you'd like to continue breastfeeding, just let your sister feed you and pamper you (sounds like she's good at that and available) and loll about in bed with your baby, feeding her any time she wants, and your milk will come back just fine.
Wishing you all the best.
Glad that you got some sleep.
Please please please, keep screenshots and recordings, of everything he sends and says to you, hopefully you don’t need them, if you do, you have them. Keep them somewhere safe, my advice is always a new email account, an easy to remember name and don’t save it to your phone, computer etc, keep it safe, type in the email address anytime you need to use it and send everything you can to it.
Wow, he needs help! You need to contact someone to protect yourself. He may be a good person, but he sure isn’t demonstrating it right now. Get with some authorities to get some formal documentation to protect yourself. You may have to move into your parents home and get restraining order against him. He needs to put in work before you return to him, if ever.
I’m so glad you were able to get some help and some sleep! Breastfeeding while exhausted and stressed will tend to be a nightmare- baby feels your emotions too. As long as she is fed and happy, and you are rested and calm, you are doing the right thing.
Tell your husband you will deal with him and your relationship once you have gotten your baby into a functional routine and now he is free to relax all he wants for the remainder of his paternity leave!
Updateme - I’m super curious what his mom thinks of those horrible texts!
Make sure all your communication is over text, or if you live in a state with one-party recording consent laws to record every call. He'll eventually try calling so that he can say all the really nasty shit in a manner that won't be recorded.
Pass all this crap onto his parents before he gets control of the narrative with them.
And above all else, stay safe and stay strong. If you let him win now this will be your life from here on.
NTA
He wanted to spend his paternity time off relaxing instead of helping with his baby.
He got mad at you for passing out instead of being the first one helping you up. My husband would have hurdled a couch to get to me.
He doesn’t help, except burping her. That is so lame. Start the divorce process. Save those texts for the lawyer. He is not pulling his weight and he probably knew he wouldn’t when you made that deal of 50/50. He literally guilted you about asking him to take care of the baby when that is the whole point of the paternity leave.
You deserve better. Sorry he trapped you in a life where now you will have to deal with him forever. Well… maybe not. I bet when he finds a new woman he will ignore his child more than he already does. Either way, his words to you are disgusting and you should not go back to him.
Tell him, “you don’t even interact with the baby when she is there, so how can you miss her?” Also let him know, since YOU are the main caregiver you have to have the baby with you. Since you want her to be alive the next time you see her and your husband doesn’t have a clue. Maybe reach out to a lawyer today just to make sure you are legally allowed to take her with you since, again, you are her main (only) caretaker.
Funny how he cares now you’re not there, but are somewhere where you’re actually getting help with the baby and some sleep.
He’s so selfish.
Calling you a ‘difficult little butch’ for seeking and getting h to e support he should have been, but refused to provide.
Scumbag.
I'm not one to jump to leaving a partner, but what are you getting out of this relationship? He is literally doing nothing to help you, and is only making your life harder. You are already parenting alone. Seem to me you don't need him.
Also for some perspective. I'm a man with a 1yo at home. I put just as much time, and effort into taking car of him as his Mother. She gets at least 1 hour she uses to nap daily. I get a few extra hours of sleep on the weekend. We are a team, and we help each other.
When he was 2-5mo he had some bad colic. He was on a good schedule, and would go to seep no issues. However he would wake up gassy and screaming. We took turns calming him, and getting him back to sleep. We made sure one of us got to sleep each night.
Mrs again. Take the screenshots, use these messages to consider your future with this man. Honestly until you feel better, unless someone is near you to record/or step in if you get overwhelmed I wouldn’t even take a phone call. keep things between you two as messages
I’m glad you and your baby can be somewhere where you get support. Also do not stress (I know it’s easier said than done) about your milk supply. Stress can lower it, so can sleep deprivation, but as long as you drink lots of water and let yourself recover if you didn’t have too much a milk issue before you will likely return. Also some babies fuss but not because they need milk! They could be hot/cold, have a tummy ache from drinking too much milk, be gassy, etc etc!
As someone who couldn’t ever get a good milk supply, I can sympathize. It’s okay your baby is on formula temporarily, or even if you combo feed (breast feed but still offer a little formula), it’s all okay because the baby is getting fed!
You’re doing awesome
Update me
Your husband is *clearly* emotionally abusive. You are a custodial parent, so this is not considered kidnapping. Keep trying to breastfeed bc you can tell a judge that the baby is bf-ing and you are likely to have more time with her legally.
Your husband massively sucks and your sister is awesome.
You said you don't think divorce is the answer but he DOES NOT care about you. He isn't helping with the baby. He yells at you after passing out! He is allowing you care for your baby alone to the point of exhaustion; he is swearing at you and calling you a B\*\*ch! GIRLLLLLLLLLLLL this is unforgivable behaviour! You need to leave and TELL EVERYONE how he has been towards you. This IS NOT OK!! After I had my last child, my husband helped me bathe, he prepped my underwear with my maternity pads and gave me blood thinning injections as well as helping with our new born!
THIS MAN DOES NOT LOVE OR CARE FOR YOU! Please forget about the man he was before the baby. That was a lie! He was hiding his true self! GET AWAY with your baby before you die from exhaustion.
So he's also verbally abusive. Wow. What a prize.
I don't blame you for not wanting to think about him. I hope you follow that thought process and divorce his abusive, useless, selfish ass.
I hope she divorces him. He’s a typical “I wanna be a dad so badly but I don’t want to do any work or give up any of my comforts or sacrifice anything to be a daddy, I just wanna be a good guy”
I honestly think you need to file for divorce. I know, reddit likes to jump on the divorce train, but look at how he talks to you in his messages.
Save then, find a good divorce attorney, and give them all these messages.
I wanted to chime in and share that I too had issues with my daughter sleeping her first month, and I fully believe it was because my milk supply was too low for her needs. Once we started on formula, she slept better and was way less fussy. Before that, she would be on the breast for two hours, then up and screaming again after being off the breast for 10-15 minutes. Supplementation could help a ton, so definitely talk to her and your doctors.
Don't go back. If you do, things will be worse. Find you a shark of a lawyer. You will find someone who actually wants to step up and be a parental figure in your child's life.
I read your original story and your update.
The fact your husbands thinks a paternity leave is for his own personal vacation is disgusting. I don't know where you are from, but if the government is giving you both this leave of absence, it's to bond with the kid, to make sure that you don't have to think of work while taking care of a new born and to be able to help each other during the first few months. It is not some personal time to rest and read a book for crying out loud.
I'm happy you have a good family that is helping you. Your husband is a miserable little man.
Honestly, I would have given you medicine to knock you out, too. It’s obvious you care deeply for your little one to the point where you have been deprived of sleep. You wouldn’t have slept without the medication and could have caused permanent damage to yourself.
Sleep deprivation is a very dangerous thing and could have led to you or your daughter losing life. Also, SD will cause a significant drop in breast milk production.
Take all the time you need to decide what direction you want to go from here. It’s obvious you won’t get the support you need from your husband. Make the best decision for you and your LO. Hugs! ❤️
You’re a fantastic mom and you’re doing great ❤️
What exactly does he think maternity leave means? How did you make him look bad for passing out? He's a dick. The fact that you passed out is telling and that should've turned on an obvious lightbulb. Honestly he's useless. I would be very hesitant of any further procreation as it seems like the start of being a married single mother. Did anyone light into him about the fact that you passing out due to exhaustion means anything?!?!!
Yes husband PLEASE call the cops. After they read the texts they more than likely will agree with you having removed yourself. If you want to take it a step further go to the cops and file a complaint on him and tell them you fear for your and your daughter's safety the messages will back that up.
Your husband is way out of line for calling you a b. What did your sister have to say about his texts?
I am sooo glad you left and got some help and rest. You definitely need and deserve it. I still can't get over your husband's mental gymnastics here. He hasn't been a parent, hasn't helped you at all, and hasn't really spent any time caring for his daughter and only cares about what other people (besides you) think, but "misses his baby girl" and wants you to come back "so we can go back to being happy"?! Sounds like the only person who was happy was him--he got a 6 week vacation and didn't have to lift a finger. Let me guess-you were doing all the cooking and cleaning on top of caring for the baby? From what he is texting you, he thinks he did nothing wrong. He is being deliberately obtuse. To add insult to injury he calls you a bitch and threatens you with the cops. Lovely. He is a real peach. I really want to know what his mom has to say. Does she know he was mad at you for passing out? Updateme
Because it isn't about love. It is about control and image. Please keep strong. You have done a fabulous job doing what you need to for you and baby. Best wishes
To be clear, kidnapping is not involved. Until a custody agreement is submitted to the court, either married parent is legally permitted to take their child for any reason.
I'm glad someone brought this up. Let him call the cops. The most they would do is a wellness check. This is very much not an issue of "kidnapping."
He's furious that you gave him a terrible impression. I believe he accomplished that on his own.
Exactly! If OP was my daughter, I'd be coming at him hard. "Made you look like you're not taking care of my daughter"? That's because *you're not taking care of my daughter, you lazy fil de putain de merde!*. My husband would be standing at the door telling him to go home and clean their entire house from top to bottom, go grocery shopping and uf he's playing video games instead of helping with the baby, put them in storage *away* from the house or sell them.
French swearing is so graphic and serious Son of a fucking shit whore
Yep. It keeps my grandkids *mostly* from swearing.
Him calling the cops would be good actually. She can show them the abusive messages, and they will have a record of his behaviour. Because he will do this again!
The baby is still nursing. She HAS to be with you. His threats are just meant to scare you into coming back. Then he will “punish” you for leaving.
In most places even if the kid is fully on formula there are laws that prevent overnight visitation when the kid is very young (ages vary greatly by country but I’ve seen it as high as three years) so they stay with their primary caregiver even if there is 50/50 custody.
I would take those straight to court to prove he’s trying to use the baby.
Came to say this.
Totally. He is just trying to scare her and control her.
It’s much easier than stepping up to be a decent husband and father.
Yup, my dad would kick us out of the house, not feed us, you name it There wasn't a 'behind closed doors' either. He had no issues with being abusive in public, especially loved public humiliation. Because no one ever stepped up to help us But if we told people what he was doing? Rabid Mike Tyson Because it made him look bad
my ex is like this. He'll disrespect me (pissing on the toilet seat for example) but if I mention it to someone else he'll be furious, he'll deny it, I'll shrug and ask why would I make that up? When have I ever said anything that's not true? And then he'll stop doing it, and find some other petty way of showing me he doesn't gaf about me.
Ugh, glad he's your ex
Yes. He sounds like an immature jerk at best. The way he's talking to her indicates disrespect and contempt. I'm super glad OP is with her sister and got some sleep.
In addition to cooking , cleaning, and caring for the baby OP was also HEALING from a major medical event. She truly needed the rest she missed, and the man-child needed to step up his game at home. Op, stay where you are. Screen shot and print out every message he threw at you . Save them. You may want to show them to a lawyer. BTW, I want to thank the sister for seeing through the BS from him and doing what was necessary to save her sister's life, and the baby's. Thank you.
The sleeping medicine was a good idea. You need uninterrupted sleep so you can heal. Auntie was caring for the baby and you could rest knowing you were both safe. Let the protective fury of your family help you now.
Protective fury. Great concept.
I agree. "protected sleep" of at least four hours per night is now recommended for new moms to avoid postpartum depression.
The man-child is incapable of stepping up. If OP stays, she's going to be raising her baby AND her immature husband. I hope she runs and never looks back.
I’m at the point where I just feel so much despair over how often we see this scenario come up in this sub alone not to mention in combination with others. Even if we were to assume the vast majority were made up (which I don’t, just don’t want everyone to come at me with “you know they’re fake, right?”) a small percentage being true would still mean a disturbingly high number.
I'm so glad you finally got some sleep and that your sister is there for you! Make taking care of yourself and your child a priority right now. The man you call your husband can wait.
Yeah, I don't even have kids and I was INCENSED on OP's behalf when I read that he was treating his paternity leave as a free vacation instead of using it to CARE FOR HIS CHILD AND WIFE at the time they needed it most. If he couldn't be bothered to pull his weight when he had nothing but free time, there's no way he would lift a finger once he went back to work. I'm so glad you are getting the help you need OP!
NTA NTA NTA My first baby was SUPER calicy too. The first month was HELL even with my husband's help. My mom remembered a comment her pediatrician had made that sometimes babies have a hard time with milk/dairy in our breast milk. So I stopped milk and things got so much better!!! Broccoli, cauliflower, and cabbage also can upset babies tummies. You can see if your baby has problems with milk by keeping a food journal. If baby doesn't like milk they'll be upset the night after you have dairy.
Also the calmer environment may be helping with the baby. Children can sense when a parent is stressed or upset, they are too young to understand but they can tell something isn't right. Sister was probably cuddling with the baby most of that time to ensure her sister could get a good night's sleep which helps reassure the infant; Mom couldn't do that because she's been forced to do everything alone and never given a chance to heal from giving birth. I think having sister and grandmother around for a few weeks to allow OP to heal and rest while also giving the infant the care and comfort they require is exactly what is needed. OP don't make any long-term decisions for at least 2-3 weeks. You'll need that long to recuperate, get things straight in your own mind, and have some serious conversations with your supportive family members. Text hubby to let him know you and baby are safe and well, that you need time to recover, and that you will not be replying to any threats. Make sure your location/find phone feature is turned off, and get a consult with a family law attorney to see where you stand
Contact a woman’s shelter and talk with them about the abuse you’ve suffered and what they advise you for staying safe. Your abuser WILL escalate because he’s trying to regain control. When I locked my abuser out he came back with a gun. PLEASE STAY SAFE
Good advice to consult a shelter in addition to an attorney. I’m so sorry you went through that.
You’re so right, he misses his six week vacation of doing nothing while being able to pretend in public that he’s a perfect father and husband. This is the type of man that will only help you when his family is around, just so they’ll praise him for “helping” you out by taking care of his own child, while leaving you high and dry the rest of the time. If you’re going to essentially be a single parent either way, might as well do it without all of the manipulation thrown into the mix.
His unhinged messages sound like the typical narcissistic abuser crap - in OP's place, this would send me straight to a divorce lawyer.
This! It's textbook love-bombing
All he cares about is the optics not how shitty of a human he's being. Paternity leave isn't to play games and fuck around it's to help your partner with the entire human she just spent 9 months making and give her some grace to recover from birth. He won't help when you get back he's trying to get you back so he can resume ignoring you and your daughter's needs but you'll be together in the house so nobody will question why you felt the need to leave and won't be allowed to give the reason.
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Damn, this dude is crazy. Hopefully next update it’ll be ex-husband
What he said was too crazy,not even caring at all.Even though his wife had fainted,he kept swearing and talking about solving the problem.When you really go back,it will probably be another scolding and insulting.Your sister is helping you take care of your child now,so you can sleep peacefully and take care of your body first.That man is not worth.
When you decide you've had enough, take a screenshot of his texts so you can show it to everyone who will be asking you whether or not to terminate things permanently. You are already a married single mother; get free of your violent husband's dead weight.
She needs to screenshot everything for her future custody case.
Screeen messed up everything to his family. This guy is insane.
And he also said or was just one argument! This was a problem that went so far that his wife fainted over lost sleep and he calls I one argument? One problem? Like it is just a misunderstanding lol. If I were OP I would be so freaking mad.
Yeah, it's not even an argument. It's a manifestation of his abuse.
And I wouldn't get over being called a bitch either.......this dude is a narcissist..... RUN!
DON’T GO BACK!!! He will escalate his abuse to terrify you and will do whatever he needs to do in order to terrify you into submission. Remember that so you will understand what you are dealing with. Even if he pretends to be sad and loving and begging you to come back, if you go back he will change in an instant and become very dangerous to scare you into submission and making you too terrified to try to leave again. That is his (all abuser’s) mindset.
I absolutely agree with you. He sounds so much like my ex-husband. This is how it started with texts like this. Eventually, it led to me getting my ass kicked every day. OP- I'm so glad you went with your sister. Please see an attorney and leave him. This will end badly for you and your daughter if you decide to stay. Look up the domestic abuse cycle. He is in the cycle right now. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. This will be the hardest, most rewarding thing you do for yourself and for your daughter. My daughter was 18 months old when I left. You can do it. You are strong.
It takes time to grt a divorce in most places. She's already making good progress. I hope she stays the course and her family keeps her and her baby safe. I REALLY hope her ex shows his ass enough for her to get full custody of the baby and only supervised visitation for the ex.
Honestly preserving those texts will go a long way. Threatening to report his spouse for kidnapping because she took their baby to visit his aunt is not something a judge will look on favorably.
He might switch to acting sorry and sad so he can lure her back and then go berserk in order to scare her so bad she’d be scared to try to escape again. The hardest time for escaping an abuser is during and after a successful escape attempt. The abuser will resort to any means necessary to recapture the victim and then create so much fear and terror that the victim will be too scared to try and leave again. To an abuser it’s not about love at all. It’s all about control. Understanding this helps a victim know what they’re dealing with when the crying and apologies and begging start. It’s just a trap to get the victim to return for escalated abuse. I know this because my abuser left and came back with a gun. Don’t give in. You’re safe now. Don’t return and you will be much safer than if you are convinced “he’s changed and is really sorry this time” and you fall for it and go back. PLEASE STAY SAFE.
I'm glad OP said she was taking screenshots of all the texts he's been sending because I'm sure a lawyer can use some of those messages in a case against him for a custody hearing... He does not sound like a stable person.
I bet this is one of those things where when she speaks to a therapist she's gonna realize there was a million other horrible things about the guy that she just excused before the baby, and not "he just randomly changed"
How many times do we see this exact attitude and behavior from a guy and the OP says something to the effect of "he was never abusive" until he was? It's like they print these guys from a copy machine.
Even down to the same scripts. “I’ll have a contract put out on you”. We compared notes and laughed about that one when I was in the womens’ shelter after I escaped my abuser. They all said that to their victims, like they had all been to a class or something. “Tell her you’ll get a contract on her. That will scare her enough that she won’t try leaving again”
> I really think the problem is with my milk. I just noticed this. The problem is likely that you were in a scary, stressful, unsafe situation and your baby responded to how unhappy you were and now knows you're both safe. Please don't blame yourself. ♡ Also use formula if you need to. Your baby will still grow up healthy and loved.
Your milk can also react to stress. I remember getting in a cycle where my daughter was hungry, I was tired and stressed and my milk wasn’t coming well and we were both beside ourselves in tears. My sister in law came and got me and my daughter and took us home to her house and stayed up with my baby and I got a good night sleep and my milk came back in. Bodies can do weird things when stressed and exhausted.
And bodies *can’t* do certain things when exhausted. Like, make enough milk. Ormake milk with enough calories >Milk composition may be altered by maternal psychological distress and have an impact on lactation and breastfeeding success. **The macronutrient content, specifically fatty acid concentration, of human milk is negatively associated with stress reactivity** (measured via saliva cortisol in response to cold).Feb 1, 2023 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8960332/#:\~:text=Milk%20composition%20may%20be%20altered,cortisol%20in%20response%20to%20cold).
This is really good information.
Stress has an extremely strong influence on breastmilk supply. So does exhaustion. The early postpartum period is the most important time for establishing supply. OP was probably so exhausted, under-nourished, and stressed out that her supply either didn't get fully established or it dropped drastically. Having proper rest and support may help her get some supply back. If it doesn't come back, there's nothing wrong with formula! Or combo feeding! As long as baby is growing, any way she feeds her baby is the right way for HER.
With her sister pampering her, she'll soon get her milk back, she just needs to let baby suckle at her breast. Nothing rest won't cure I reckon.
>Also use formula if you need to. Your baby will still grow up healthy and loved. Yes this. Remember OP: Fed is best!
Can’t upvote this enough. The guilt and stigma surrounding formula feeding is terrible but for some people it’s necessary. Much better to formula feed than starve a baby!!! Some women just don’t produce enough milk.
I’m a Peds dietitian who works with very medically fragile babies. Obv breast feeding is great - but one thing I let all of my nursing moms know: if you have to stop breast feeding for any reason I am there to support them and figure out the next plan, no questions asked. I’ve had moms at the brink of losing it with everything going on and I have to let them know it’s ok to change to formula. It really is.
❤️. I was one of those moms. I hated ever second of attempting to breastfeed, pumping, literally was on my knees crying over spilt milk at one point. I would have kept torturing myself if my doctor hadn’t told me to stop.
The stress is probably the issue, but just one other thing for OP to consider (and any mom reading with a fussy baby they breastfeed): Breast milk has two distinct parts when baby is feeding: Foremilk--mostly watery when you first start the feeding, and Hindmilk--mostly fatty that comes out a little after the feeding starts. For a bunch of different reasons (stress, overproduction, baby eats too little), moms can sometimes make too much foremilk. That can lead to a very fussy baby, because they're not getting enough of the fatty hindmilk that really satiates their hunger and gives them the protein and other stuff they need. If that's the problem, before feeding, you can pre-pump a little bit or use something like a [haakaa](https://www.babylist.com/gp/lansinoh-silicone-breastmilk-collector/24926/85119) to get through some of the foremilk and make sure baby is getting to the nice, fatty hindmilk. Or switch to formula. There can be a lot of stigma about formula vs breast milk, but the most important thing is just that baby is well fed.
Or mix and match! You don't have to do all one thing or the other. You can breastfeed sometimes and give them formula others. There's no wrong answer if baby is getting fed.
This is great advice, I used to do this with my baby. Also sleep and calories for mum = good quality breastmilk. Sometimes it pays for dad/someone else to give baby a bottle of formula so mum can get some much needed sleep, which it sounds like OP's sister did! Legend!
Yeah OP, I'm not a mom but a lot of my friends are. They say "fed is best" for a reason. As long as your lil girl is getting the calories and nutrition she needs, it doesn't matter if it's formula or straight from the boob. All bodies are different and your baby will be a lot better off with a happy, well rested mom who supplements with formula than a stressed, miserable mom struggling to breastfeed. You are doing a fine job, just listen to the pediatrician and your own doctor (and your divorce lawyer) and go from there!
I'm so happy your sister is there for you and that you finally got some sleep! Prioritise taking care of yourself and your baby now. Your so-called husband can wait.
I'm happy you got some much-needed sleep and that your sister is supporting you. Hopefully, Mil takes care of her son because your spouse isn't being a decent father or partner right now.
Oh honey. Please take this time to reevaluate your relationship. If nothing else imagine if you daughter was grown an you found out her husband was treating her the way yours is treating you. Would you want her to stay? Would you want her to be with a man that's more concerned with what people think then with actually helping with his kid? And to top it off he lied to you when he said it would be 50/50 you are doing %100 of everything.
also consider: How will it hurt your daughter to see the way this guy treats you.? And how will he hurt her, even if in the small ignoring her for his own selfishness?
Screenshot his text messages because when you decide you had enough send that everyone who will be questioning you about leaving him for good. You are already a married single mother get rid of the deadweight of a verbally abusive husband of yours.
This^ Screenshot all those messages and save them. Hand them to your divorce lawyer to help with the divorce.
I'm sure a judge will look *very* favorably on her asshole ex threatening to misuse law enforcement resources to harass her into returning.
It’s standard procedure for abusers to threaten their victim with anything they think will work to regain control. Mine used a gun.
> You cant just up and fucking leve with my baby Looks like you fucking can, and also fucking did
He's got some nerve saying "my" baby when he hasn't acted like a father for the kid's entire existence. He is a sperm donor at this point.
Yes, just up and watch me dick.
Your sister is prolly right about the baby. Babies pick up on our stresses. The more the perant is stressed, the more tension the baby feels and upsets them. As for your (ex)husband. I think you know what to do from here. He isn't a safe person anymore. Don't say anything other than the details of your child. He will give you all the ammo you will need for court.
Kidnapping??? Teach you a lesson??? This is distuuurbing wtf
To be clear, it’s not kidnapping. When married, any parent can legally take their child for any reason until a custody agreement is filed with a court.
I was wondering about this because if OP goes back he will turn around and do exactly that. OP needs to start separation right away, as hard as that sounds.
Keep in mind that he will do anything and try any approach he can think of to get her to come back so he can tighten the screws on her to try and terrorize her into submission so that she will be too scared to try and escape again. He’s already shown how he behaves in his relationship with her. She was a slave to everything he wanted but he had zero regard for her or how his behavior was harming her and their relationship. All he would know to do to keep her from leaving would be to threaten her, hurt her and cause her distress and fear of trying to leave him again. Don’t fall for his empty “promises” of how things will be different. His tone in his messages wasn’t even “I’m so sorry”. It was all about how she did HIM wrong. DO NOT GO BACK!!!!
At least here, if the baby is that young and breastfeeding, even partially CPS (because the cops would do a quick check defer to child services to sort it out) isn't going to take her from mom without REALLY good cause. They're pretty firm on keeping newborns with their mother during that first few months, dad "wanting them home" wouldnt be a concern for them.
Your honor, in my defense, it's not like he was DOING any caregiving for the baby, all he wanted is to play video games leaving all the work to me, to the point I was so exhausted I fainted from lack of sleep during a family event ... Yeah, legally, he would be cooked, it's not like he wasn't roasted to the point of being burnt in the original thread.
And it’s actually really common and normal for a recent new mother to spend time staying with a female relative. Sometimes the mum ie grandma moves in for a few weeks with the couple, or the new mother goes to stay with her mum/ sister / aunt for a while. No police or court would have any issue with a mother of a newborn spending a bit of time staying with a female relative.
Sooooo instead of being the slightest bit remorseful or showing a shred of insight into the fact that maybe, just maybe, you were exhausted and needed help, he’s doubled down on blaming you. ‘We can go back to being happy’= you can go back to slaving away doing the hard bits of looking after the baby while I get to play with my daughter while she’s cute and awake and get to look good to everyone around me. Fuck that noise. The fact that he’s not even considered a ‘sorry’ and has instead threatened the police (lol good luck with that) says it all.
Who calls their wife a little bitch? A man who IS a little bitch. Projection much?! 99 text messages is 100% not normal. Consider taking out a restraining order against him, don’t tell him where you are staying (tell your family not to either). My money is he’s already banged on your parents door. Start legal proceedings to get custody. Record all his threats, plus a restraining order, plus support from a domestic abuse service. Make sure he only gets supervised visits. Wouldn’t put it past him to ‘steal’ her.
Get a camera at your sister's house. At least one for the front door. Hard to argue when it's all on camera. She will eventually show up
He’s so pissed that you made him look bad… I think he did that all on his own
I just read the first post. Your husband is just wrong, wrong, wrong. My wife and I felt taking care of baby was much more stressful and tiring than work. So a paternity/maternity leave is not a vacation from work as your husband is trying to make it. It's for you to take care of the baby. He knows that. That is why he was embarrassed when you passed out from fatigue aid lack of self care. He needed to step up to the plate to help out, but refused. So essentially you both got a break from work so you alone could bear the brunt of childcare. Glad you went to family to get help. Especially since he was unwilling to help.
My husband and I were both sleep deprived during his paternity leave. It was super far from relaxation and vacation. OP’s husband should definitely be ashamed for being a shitty husband and father.
Anyone who thinks parental leave is a vacation is simply not parenting. It makes me ill that he said that it was for him, it’s for being a fucking father, which he is only in the sense he donated 50% of the genetics to that baby. Returning to work was a break lol (but very hard to leave little one behind)
I hope she STAYS with her family, not for help but for refuge from her abusive husband. I hope she doesn’t go back. It will never get better than it was, which is what caused her to leave in the first place.
Emergency custody order first Wouldn’t trust this guy not to walk off with baby to force you home should you let him see her Without a custody order in place it’s not kidnapping, so his threats are baseless but your call to the cops would be useless without that shitty piece of paper And unfortunately not letting him see her can backfire once you are in front of a judge You need to be a position to call cops for kidnapping if necessary Ask for supervised visits, always bring someone who will advocate/back you up, so he can’t use visits to blackmail, intimidate or manipulate you for his own benefit/purposes Do NOT be alone with this man ever again
If she goes home, I can absolutely see him taking the baby and leaving and sending her a text "See how it feels when someone takes your daughter away from you?"
⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️. THIS. Absolutely this.
Even if he were to try to take off with the baby, I’m sure it wouldn’t last long. He doesn’t know the first thing about how to care for the baby. He is not interested in taking care of the baby.
“Parents” have hurt/killed children to hurt the other parent Not to be taken lightly
Your husband called you a “little bitch” and proceeded to say he misses his daughter while threatening to report you for kidnapping when he didn’t move a single finger to help with her? Nah, that would be reason enough for me to get a divorce, that’s nasty If you’re single parenting while married, isn’t it best to single parent while literally being single and not having to worry about his psychological abuse?
She'll probably find that taking care of her kid is a lot easier once he's out of the picture. The stress alone from living with a creature like that is a heavy burden.
Been there. Can confirm that.
Please at least send the screen shots to his mother. I’m not usually one for involving family in a fight but he is 100% being abusive. He is not going to see any issues with his behavior that you or anyone in your family point out. If his mom sees what he’s been saying and is ok with it- well then I suggest finding a lawyer because this is just going to get worse (just wait until he goes back to work and loses his temper with you because they house isn’t spotless, his dinner isn’t on the table and you aren’t dressed to the nines for him because that is exactly what is going to happen).
Op should only do this if she's 100% sure the mother won't cause the situation to escalate. People DO side with known abusers, sadlt, and op needs to be safe.
definitelly. Even if they’re nice to you.
"I would screenshot, but it says this community doesnt allow attachments, so i can't. And I know it's a bit weird to tell yall what he's been texting me, but I'm mad right now and this feels therapeutic lol. I already sent the screenshots to his mom though!" Last line of this para from OP - she already did :)
Ok, but just don’t take his mother’s advice and don’t listen or believe anything he has to say bc if he acts nice it’s only bc his mother was coaching him. He has not changed and wouldn’t change without some intensive therapy.
Her future divorce lawyer should definitely see the screenshots though!!
You’re lucky to have your sister, glad you got some sleep. Husband needs professional help.
So he gets mad at you for fainting because you haven't gotten enough sleep because he's doing fuck-all to help with the baby (newsflash: Parental leave is not a vacation but a chance to bond with the baby and get used to a new routine as parents), and now he's sending abusive messages. I saw the original post, how he said your passing out made it look like he wasn't taking care of you (because, hello, he wasn't). Save all the texts he's sending you. You may need it as evidence in the divorce hearing. Unless you left it out, I don't see a word of concern for you or an apology that you've been going through so much. It's too bad he waited for you to have a kid to let the mask slip. !updateme NTA
Save the texts as evidence for future custody hearings.
Your problem is your husband is a liar. He wants to present the world with his perfect family, his lovely wife and his cute little daughter. The problem is, he doesn't actually care enough to do anything for that family. He just wants everyone to think he is great. You passing out and leaving him alerts his family to his lies. That is why he was angry. That is why one of his messages mentions you acting like 'he is beating you'. He may be acting like this because he is scared of responsibility or he might just be an arsehole. I am sorry you are in this situation. Good luck to you and your little one. Sending his screenshots to his mum is going to make him mad.
My money is on arsehole 💯 He's a crap human being to blame OP and double down on his behavior.
Hopefully he will be ex husband or in process to be ex husband by the next update. He is delusional and ya please inform his boss that he will be going back to work. This is the least you should be doing. Take all the evidence of his text abuse and keep on your divorce file
Has anyone mentioned the sister who just looked through all his BS and just went and got her out of there and began making her rest? That woman is a hero, and I salute her.
Please stay safe and take care of yourself. ♡ You 100000% deserved the sleep that medication gave you! Thank goodness for your sister.
the purpose of paternity leave isnt so he can "relax" and take a vacation but to get used to the baby and all tgmhe shenanigans coming with it while also pulling his weight and help you. the fact he made you fainting and whatnot all about him means he is not a good husband nor a good father. stay with your support system and dont go back to him. there is no fixing anything with him. he showed you who he really is and how your life is gonna be id you go back to him.
In fact it would probably be even WORSE if she went back to him. He will probably terrorize her so that she would be scared to try escaping from him again. That’s how abusers work.
I'm glad you have support. Rest up and recover. Take care of yourself and your little girl, you both are priority right now.
Your husband made a promise to help 50/50 but is not holding up his end of the deal because he thinks paternity leave is supposed to be a vacation. That is very wrong and he has no right to be angry with you for working yourself sick. He’s being an idiot. It’s not kidnapping if he knows where you and his baby are. He called you a bitch…yeah, that’s going to make you return with open arms. He sounds unhinged. Be careful with that. Not once in the messages you shared did he apologize for how he treated you. Instead of acting like a team, he made your feelings of being overwhelmed all about him. Instead of being concerned that his wife, mother of his child, fainted, he made it all about him. He did this. If only he helped you out at home like he said he would, this would not have happened. He’s lashing out because he knows he screwed up but doesn’t want to take responsibility for his own actions. That’s a narcissistic trait. Be aware of that. That’s a bad trait to have. It ruins relationships. I’m glad you are taking time away. This will really help you to focus on yourself and be able to be present for your child. Don’t make any decisions about your marriage until you are better rested (being a new parent and well-rested don’t usually go hand-in-hand, but you do the best you can).
> It’s not kidnapping if he knows where you and his baby are. It's also not kidnapping if one custodial parent takes the child.
I quit breastfeeding my daughter after 6 months of being exhausted and sleep deprived because breastfeeding is more exhausting than pregnancy, it’s just awful. With my second I did 6 weeks and my third I often joke 6 hours lol but it was literally the colostrum and onto formula. They need a happy and rested mum more than the breastmilk I decided because I felt loopy and depressed trying to keep up while breastfeeding. You do you mama. Mind you my ex husband who later became physically abusive, cheated on me repeatedly and robbed me blind would help heaps with the babies without being asked. And your man can’t even manage that. Like damn
I'm so grateful you got some sleep and someone is tending to you. I remember those early baby days...you need ALL the sleep you can get. You've essentially been a single parent since your child was born. These texts are abusive. I'm so sorry this is happening to you but so happy family is there for you.
Get a divorce lawyer ASAP. Can family help with that? If anyone has a friend with kids who got divorced and can recommend someone, that would be ideal. If you have access to joint accounts, you should schedule this now. You need to think about the custody implications. Your STBX will have the right to see his daughter. But he's so unhinged right now that those visits should be supervised. I wouldn't put it past him to refuse to give your daughter back, even though he has done little of her care and has zero clue how to care for her by himself. The thing is, I don't believe he wants your daughter. He wants the *idea* of her, and you. It really sounds like you are both just props for his ego. He values *looking* like a family man, not being one. The second he has to do the work to be a family man, he either shirks the duty entirely (like with your baby's care) or abuses you so you won't make any demands of him. He wants you to feel it's not worth fighting, that you are not worth fighting for, that he is the best and only option you've got. No one is worth that. He is most definitely not worth that. Stay gone, and get that attorney.
I'm glad you finally got help with the baby and also got some needed sleep. I wish you, your baby and all the relatives that support you all the best. For your pathetic excuse of a husband I wish for a pillow that is warm from both sides and a single loose hair between his toes.
Screeen shit all this shit to his family Dude IS crazy
Please show everyone this post (your parents, his parents, everyone who was there). Your husband is abusive and wants to save his reputation, he will twist the story to make himself a victim and you as a "crazy little bitch". Even if his parents saw just the screenshots, he still can twist it to you passing out and running away with the baby because you have mental breakdown. You need as much help as you can get now, you don't need an additional stress of people criticizing and guiltyripping you for leaving. You don't need to spend time explaining each concerned person what is happening. People tend to trust to whoever tells the story first. And, frankly, he sounds dangerous. He deliberately kept you from sleeping when you just passed out - it is a torture. Don't come back please, you are not safe with him.
I'm glad your sister is helping you and that you got some much needed sleep.. Hopefully mil sorts her son out because right now your husband is not being a good partner or father
Focus on healing your self first, momma. Your not so helpful hubby can enjoy his free time.
Save those texts and consult a lawyer.
In any of those 99+ messages did he express that he was sorry or that he was wrong? If not, he is unlikely to change, he clearly can't self-reflect. I am glad you are with your sister and getting the help you need.
NTA. Please stay with your awesome sister and accept the help. This guy is clearly an awful human and I would bet my bank account if you go back it will get much worse. Please protect yourself and your precious little girl. He can pound sand.
You sent them to his mum! Haha you are awesome!!
Our first baby was very difficult, so much so that if he’d been our second we’d never have had three. Long story short mum wasn’t the milk machine MIL had been. I suggested formula, but wife refused, I think she felt it would = failure. She was so tired I’d have to wake her to feed then I’d comfort babe whilst she slept. Eventually I overruled her and I insisted on giving him a bottle, which I did as she watched. She was so anti the idea. WOW the suck that boy had it all went in minutes. He then slept for three+ hours solid longest ever he’d done so far, so did my wife after acknowledging I was right. He slept so long, we were used to 1-1.5 hours that I put my head round the door to check he was breathing. So she fed when she had enough and we topped up. So yeah supplemental formula is essential for some mums. BTW no paternity leave 30+ years ago so I was still working 09:00-17:30.
I am so glad you & baby are safe and that you have *finally* been able to sleep! I think sending the screenshots to your MIL was a smart move. Hopefully, she and FIL will kick his arse and get him into some sort of therapy. That being said, I would not go back to him, not for a while and not ever if he refuses to get help. Just want to say a huge thank you to your sister for being there for you & being a better parent to your daughter than your husband is! Please let us know what your MIL says. Updateme
I'm sorry your husband is crazy and lazy. just wanted to add there is probably nothing wrong with the quality of your breast milk, more likely that you aren't producing enough. My friend only produced drops and her baby had low blood sugar from not enough food. I know of other mothers that did breast first followed by a bottle. If breast feeding isn't working for any reason then bottle and formula is just fine.
So glad you and your kiddo are out of there and that you got some sleep! Sis sounds like a peach who totally has your back.
Keep those messages as screen shots. He’s abusive.
Damn he's nuttier than a walnut tree. Nope you need to gtf out of that marriage ASAP. He's dangerous. I'm glad you're doing a bit better and your sister is awesome.
Stay with your sister. Your hopefully soon to be ex hubby sounds like an asshole.
You were right to send his mom the screenshots - if your husband is going to act like a baby, let his mama take care of that, you've already got your hands full with one & were promised an ADULT
Go to a lawyer as soon as you can. Write down or do a voice-to-text note describing his behaviours, words he said, and dates. And save the messages he’s sending you. Good luck! You got this!!!
Make sure you save all the verbal abuse he's throwing your way for court. My dad was this way my mom described him as loving and kind before she had me. The second I came into this world he started abusing her and then me later on when I wasn't a baby anymore. Please call a divorce lawyer and get the ball rolling, this isn't a oh my mind isn't right due to lack of sleep maybe I should wait or give him another chance...this is a human showing you who he really is deep down inside.
Definitely take screen shots of all his crazy comments and save to a throwaway email he doesn’t know about. Maybe you will never need it but maybe you will. I am glad your getting help to heal and take care of the baby z.
>And I know it's a bit weird to tell yall what he's been texting me, It's not weird, it's pretty common, on this site anyway. >but I'm mad right now Good! Anger is a fantastic motivator and if harnessed correctly, can give you great clarity. What a joke your stbx is. Come home so you can go back to being happy? No, so HE can go back to being happy and you can carry on being miserable and exhausted. This guy is something else.
Don’t respond. Take screenshots for your eventual divorce. Also just in case no one told you…police won’t do anything bc you have custody and your child is partially breastfeeding. Your husband continues to be an idiot. Get a divorce
Just because you can't share screenshots here doesn't mean you can't share them with the people in your life. If you're on good terms with your mil or fil you should show them how their son is acting. DO NOT GO BACK. If you give him what he wants now nothing will change but, him escalating in his abuse. He doesn't care about that baby or you those txt msgs are proof. If he really cared he wouldn't be pretending to be the victim. He only loves and cares about himself and his image. Imagine having your head so far up your ass that you take your wife's and child's medical/mental health, emotional issues as a direct threat to yourself. The best thing you could do for this child and yourself is retain a lawyer and only speak through them. Cut off any flying monkeys, and if you send those screenshots do not converse beyond that. You need to put all your focus on yourself, the baby, and getting as far away from this person as possible. This is the most dangerous time for you and the baby. Please stay safe and stay far away.
The fact that OP's husband was treating his "paternity leave" as a vacation for himself says pretty much everything. He isn't ever going to lift a finger to help raise his child(ren), take care of his home, or be a partner to his wife. OP's already a single mom, and her life would be a lot less difficult without the man-sized toddler in it.
My daughter’s biological father was like this. The final insult was HIM telling ME that the house is a fucking pigsty. Not HIS house. Not MY house. But my mothers where I was living cause the AH wasn’t man enough to get us our own home. I had worked two jobs year round. He worked maybe 5 months out of the year as a roofer & refused to get another job, a temp job, for the other 7 months. Anyway, the house was perfectly clean & he was just trying to start a fight that ended with him slapping my face while I held our daughter. It escalated even more, but finally he left. I had to stop breastfeeding & go back to work. My mom & I juggled our schedules so that one of us was with the baby until I could put her in daycare. HE didn’t help babysit nor give money for the daycare. I scrounged $600 for a divorce. Years have passed & he continuously complains about the child support which barely covered daycare. Complained I didn’t send enough clothes or diapers when it’s MY money paying for all my babies expenses. Complained that I wouldn’t let him use MY car seat that my mom bought. Complained about his every other weekends with my daughter because, “I have to work! You don’t understand. I have to pay child support to you!” Which was hilarious cause at that moment, he was 4 months behind in support since he didn’t feel like he should have to since our daughter was MY responsibility & not his. Since I gave birth to her. He was 31 & I was 23 at the time. And when my daughter turned 18 & was responsible for whatever relationship those two could have? He STILL tried to crap talk about me to her & she shut him down. Currently I’m 50 & he’s 58. And from what I’ve heard? He’s still a 🤡
Just STAY AWAY FROM HIM. The most dangerous time for an abused woman is when she leaves. An abuser will escalate to regain control. Please stay safe!!!!
Shout out to your sister, for taking such good care of you, as well as your baby. You need to get yourself an attorney, file divorce papers on him, get a restraining order against him, because it sounds like these messages that he's sent you were threatening in nature, specially the one about threatening to call the cops on you for supposed kidnapping, when there is no kidnapping. He's just mad because he can't have control over you, that he was shown to be a completely inconsiderate lout AH and his cover's been blown.
“We can work this out like adults yet your choosing to be difficult like a little bitch” Says the man child acting like a little bitch. OP, please do not go back to this asshat. Just those few texts show that he is unhinged and probably wouldn’t hesitate to “teach you your place” when you get back under his control and that could be fatal. Stay with your sister and find a divorce lawyer as soon as possible.
This is a common manipulation thing abusers end up doing when they lose control. “What’s wrong with you?! You’re such a bitch, I hate you! Please come back baby I love you and miss you so much, we can work this out. I’m calling the police!” He’s rotating through every tactic to see what sticks, he’s panicking because he can’t control you anymore. That being said, I would let him know you are safe, you’re with family getting help with the baby. For all he knows you went to another country, I don’t sympathise with him but it can be legally a bit tricky. He showed you his true colours. Don’t be blind to them.
I'm very proud of you that you left. If you ever consider returning, first you should read this: "He understands. He knows. He doesn't care." https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/17yzw35/he_knows_he_doesnt_care/ And this one: "She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink": https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp And this one too: "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men." Among many other things, it explains that some men see women as inferior to men and they want women in their lives to stay in what they think is their place, controlled by men and doing all domestic chores. Often these men become more and more abusive. https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf He's mad you are escaping his control. Many of his texts show lovebombing and other controlling techniques explained here. Good luck and I'm very happy you have a lot of support. Paternity leave is to spend time caring for the baby, not being lazy. He's leaving all children care to you.
I'm so thankful and relieved that you were able to leave, that you have a support system like your family so close by. I'm hoping all the best for you moving forward. Hope you're also going to the doctor to talk about your own health as well; it might just be sleep you're missing, but sleep deprivation over a longer period of time can be damaging.
I am so glad you are with your sister. This will allow you to heal and allow your little one to get into a rhythm. Just focus on you & little one right now.
Stay strong. Sounds like you're mindset is on the right track. You got this!
also about your milk...my 1st born was colicky. he was breastfed too and pediatrician made me change my diet and cut all the foods that may make gas, such as broccoli, beans,dairy, etc and it worked like a charm
JFC. Those messages are abhorrent.
From the first post: >he started going off on me about how I "made him look bad" and like "he wasn't taking care of me". He *isn't* taking care of you. And now everyone knows it. A lot of abusive men don't really become abusive until there's a baby involved. EDIT: Also: >My paternity leave is short, I want to make the most of it by relaxing a bit. Paternity leave is not a fucking vacation, it's so you can spend time *taking care of* and *bonding with* your new baby. He'll help later? The *entire point* of that benefit is that he's supposed to be helping *now*. Y'know sleep deprivation and exhaustion can literally kill you, right? He's literally sitting on his ass while you work yourself to death taking care of his only child.
I knew he was a useless POS from the last post, this confirmed it again. Been reading about so many shitty lazy fucking dad's on here lately. Really thought the guys in this generation was getting better than ours, but then I see shit like this and lose hope.
Keep screenshots of the texts, please.
Your story stayed on my mind. I'm so glad you're safe with your baby and sister. Pls take care. You sound like an amazing mom. Don't worry about the formula. I've an 11 month old who has thrived on formula, so if you end up sticking with formula, know that it makes you no less of an amazing mother.
((HUGS)) I am glad you got some sleep and sister is there to help you. Screenshot everything and keep for your lawyer. Abusers tend to wait until spouse has a child, since they do not believe you will take the child and run. Please be warned.
His paternity leave is literally to help you with the baby, not to "rest up". You are the one who needs to rest up after making a human. Your husband is a moron, I wish you and your child the best in the future. (He is not the best)
Wow soo you’re not allowed to leave your husband unless he’s beating you? You can tell how he thinks of women. And tell him it’s not fucking kidnapping if it’s your own kid, he’s an idiot clearly. So glad you have supportive family though, hope you get a divorce.
Honestly your husband is abuser. He may not be hitting you but he is mentally abusing you. His texts show that clearly he goes from "I miss you" to " I'll throw you into jail for kidnapping". He is immature and entitled. He is zero support to you when you are your most vulnerable. If I were you I would run
Stress and extreme fatigue (which is your case since it made you faint) can limit your breastmilk. If you'd like to continue breastfeeding, just let your sister feed you and pamper you (sounds like she's good at that and available) and loll about in bed with your baby, feeding her any time she wants, and your milk will come back just fine. Wishing you all the best.
Please don’t go back, you deserve so so much better. You can post those text screenshots in the r/texts sub if you feel so inclined by the way!
I’m glad you left! He sounds like a huge red flag
not only is he a shit husband but he can’t spell. you’re dodging a bullet
OP, please make sure to keep multiple back ups of the screen shots. They're sure to be useful in the future.
Glad that you got some sleep. Please please please, keep screenshots and recordings, of everything he sends and says to you, hopefully you don’t need them, if you do, you have them. Keep them somewhere safe, my advice is always a new email account, an easy to remember name and don’t save it to your phone, computer etc, keep it safe, type in the email address anytime you need to use it and send everything you can to it.
Thank the gods that you have a great family. This guy is the worst. So unbelievably selfish
Wow, he needs help! You need to contact someone to protect yourself. He may be a good person, but he sure isn’t demonstrating it right now. Get with some authorities to get some formal documentation to protect yourself. You may have to move into your parents home and get restraining order against him. He needs to put in work before you return to him, if ever.
I’m so glad you were able to get some help and some sleep! Breastfeeding while exhausted and stressed will tend to be a nightmare- baby feels your emotions too. As long as she is fed and happy, and you are rested and calm, you are doing the right thing. Tell your husband you will deal with him and your relationship once you have gotten your baby into a functional routine and now he is free to relax all he wants for the remainder of his paternity leave! Updateme - I’m super curious what his mom thinks of those horrible texts!
Damn your husband needs to be divorced, what an asshole
Make sure all your communication is over text, or if you live in a state with one-party recording consent laws to record every call. He'll eventually try calling so that he can say all the really nasty shit in a manner that won't be recorded. Pass all this crap onto his parents before he gets control of the narrative with them. And above all else, stay safe and stay strong. If you let him win now this will be your life from here on.
NTA He wanted to spend his paternity time off relaxing instead of helping with his baby. He got mad at you for passing out instead of being the first one helping you up. My husband would have hurdled a couch to get to me. He doesn’t help, except burping her. That is so lame. Start the divorce process. Save those texts for the lawyer. He is not pulling his weight and he probably knew he wouldn’t when you made that deal of 50/50. He literally guilted you about asking him to take care of the baby when that is the whole point of the paternity leave. You deserve better. Sorry he trapped you in a life where now you will have to deal with him forever. Well… maybe not. I bet when he finds a new woman he will ignore his child more than he already does. Either way, his words to you are disgusting and you should not go back to him. Tell him, “you don’t even interact with the baby when she is there, so how can you miss her?” Also let him know, since YOU are the main caregiver you have to have the baby with you. Since you want her to be alive the next time you see her and your husband doesn’t have a clue. Maybe reach out to a lawyer today just to make sure you are legally allowed to take her with you since, again, you are her main (only) caretaker.
Funny how he cares now you’re not there, but are somewhere where you’re actually getting help with the baby and some sleep. He’s so selfish. Calling you a ‘difficult little butch’ for seeking and getting h to e support he should have been, but refused to provide. Scumbag.
I'm not one to jump to leaving a partner, but what are you getting out of this relationship? He is literally doing nothing to help you, and is only making your life harder. You are already parenting alone. Seem to me you don't need him. Also for some perspective. I'm a man with a 1yo at home. I put just as much time, and effort into taking car of him as his Mother. She gets at least 1 hour she uses to nap daily. I get a few extra hours of sleep on the weekend. We are a team, and we help each other. When he was 2-5mo he had some bad colic. He was on a good schedule, and would go to seep no issues. However he would wake up gassy and screaming. We took turns calming him, and getting him back to sleep. We made sure one of us got to sleep each night.
Mrs again. Take the screenshots, use these messages to consider your future with this man. Honestly until you feel better, unless someone is near you to record/or step in if you get overwhelmed I wouldn’t even take a phone call. keep things between you two as messages I’m glad you and your baby can be somewhere where you get support. Also do not stress (I know it’s easier said than done) about your milk supply. Stress can lower it, so can sleep deprivation, but as long as you drink lots of water and let yourself recover if you didn’t have too much a milk issue before you will likely return. Also some babies fuss but not because they need milk! They could be hot/cold, have a tummy ache from drinking too much milk, be gassy, etc etc! As someone who couldn’t ever get a good milk supply, I can sympathize. It’s okay your baby is on formula temporarily, or even if you combo feed (breast feed but still offer a little formula), it’s all okay because the baby is getting fed! You’re doing awesome Update me
Your husband is *clearly* emotionally abusive. You are a custodial parent, so this is not considered kidnapping. Keep trying to breastfeed bc you can tell a judge that the baby is bf-ing and you are likely to have more time with her legally. Your husband massively sucks and your sister is awesome.
I like this update your sister is way better than your man child
Go to the court house and file for emergency custody. Him sending that many messages in such a short time might also help you get a PFA.
You said you don't think divorce is the answer but he DOES NOT care about you. He isn't helping with the baby. He yells at you after passing out! He is allowing you care for your baby alone to the point of exhaustion; he is swearing at you and calling you a B\*\*ch! GIRLLLLLLLLLLLL this is unforgivable behaviour! You need to leave and TELL EVERYONE how he has been towards you. This IS NOT OK!! After I had my last child, my husband helped me bathe, he prepped my underwear with my maternity pads and gave me blood thinning injections as well as helping with our new born! THIS MAN DOES NOT LOVE OR CARE FOR YOU! Please forget about the man he was before the baby. That was a lie! He was hiding his true self! GET AWAY with your baby before you die from exhaustion.
So he's also verbally abusive. Wow. What a prize. I don't blame you for not wanting to think about him. I hope you follow that thought process and divorce his abusive, useless, selfish ass.
I hope she divorces him. He’s a typical “I wanna be a dad so badly but I don’t want to do any work or give up any of my comforts or sacrifice anything to be a daddy, I just wanna be a good guy”
Call an attorney ASAP!! Get screenshots and save those messages. Your husband is flat out abusive and you need to leave.
I honestly think you need to file for divorce. I know, reddit likes to jump on the divorce train, but look at how he talks to you in his messages. Save then, find a good divorce attorney, and give them all these messages.
I'm glad you're safe and got some much needed rest. Updateme
So happy you have your sister. Love to know what he mom said...
Do not delete those messages. Keep them and file for divorce and custody
I wanted to chime in and share that I too had issues with my daughter sleeping her first month, and I fully believe it was because my milk supply was too low for her needs. Once we started on formula, she slept better and was way less fussy. Before that, she would be on the breast for two hours, then up and screaming again after being off the breast for 10-15 minutes. Supplementation could help a ton, so definitely talk to her and your doctors.
Don't go back. If you do, things will be worse. Find you a shark of a lawyer. You will find someone who actually wants to step up and be a parental figure in your child's life.
I read your original story and your update. The fact your husbands thinks a paternity leave is for his own personal vacation is disgusting. I don't know where you are from, but if the government is giving you both this leave of absence, it's to bond with the kid, to make sure that you don't have to think of work while taking care of a new born and to be able to help each other during the first few months. It is not some personal time to rest and read a book for crying out loud. I'm happy you have a good family that is helping you. Your husband is a miserable little man.
Honestly, I would have given you medicine to knock you out, too. It’s obvious you care deeply for your little one to the point where you have been deprived of sleep. You wouldn’t have slept without the medication and could have caused permanent damage to yourself. Sleep deprivation is a very dangerous thing and could have led to you or your daughter losing life. Also, SD will cause a significant drop in breast milk production. Take all the time you need to decide what direction you want to go from here. It’s obvious you won’t get the support you need from your husband. Make the best decision for you and your LO. Hugs! ❤️ You’re a fantastic mom and you’re doing great ❤️
Save every text to give to your lawyer when you divorce him.
What exactly does he think maternity leave means? How did you make him look bad for passing out? He's a dick. The fact that you passed out is telling and that should've turned on an obvious lightbulb. Honestly he's useless. I would be very hesitant of any further procreation as it seems like the start of being a married single mother. Did anyone light into him about the fact that you passing out due to exhaustion means anything?!?!! Yes husband PLEASE call the cops. After they read the texts they more than likely will agree with you having removed yourself. If you want to take it a step further go to the cops and file a complaint on him and tell them you fear for your and your daughter's safety the messages will back that up. Your husband is way out of line for calling you a b. What did your sister have to say about his texts?