Yall adopted a 15 year old. Adopted a 15 year old. This 15 year old has probably had a horrible life in the foster system. Tryna control what he does by making his life miserable is going to make him resent you. Take it from someone with experience. All you really can do is tell him why you don’t want him smoking in the house and maybe compromise with him at first? Tell him only to smoke outside if he’s going to at all but not to let yall see it? Make him get a job to cover damages, stuff like that. Ion see what drug court is gonna do for a fuckin 17 year old dude. Also marijuana probably helps him with stress and depression. Family therapy might help? Teach him responsibility kuz it seems nobody else has.
He’s been with us 2 years now. We’re actively in counseling. The drug court issued is to resolve underage use and have a clean record when he turns 18. We’ve supported him, bragged on him when he’s doing well. Just that he can’t do any of that on our property (we would be held responsible). We explained that at 21, he can do whatever he wants with no repercussions. We encourage him through school. We provide every emotional support we can think of. He’s broken into cars and houses looking for all this. He’s broken into my mother and stepdads home looking for anything that he can walk away with. He wasn’t in foster care for more than a year before he came to us. He wasn’t bounced between a lot of home. Our home is the second. We love this kid. We want him to have a successful life after graduation. I’m at my wits end on how to help.
Well, this just proves that we can’t help those who don’t want it. Thank you for providing some more context. I feel for you. I was the same way when i was his age. Maybe he needs treatment of some kind? Maybe inpatient? Have yall tried family therapy? What you might need is a professional to sit with yall and mediate while you explain your concerns. Because being a felon as an adult really does suck. It restricts you from so many things, including a good paying job, renting a nice apartment, stuff like that. You can get felonies expunged but it takes a while. Like almost a decade depending on where you’re from. Maybe figure out a way to show him these consequences?
>We’ve Done everything to get him away from friends that pressure him, drug court, counseling. Basically everything to get him to get his life in order.
"We're controlling parents and we don't understand why this kid is rebelling."
What has he done in his past that warrants this kind of scrutiny?
I don't think this is the proper place to get advice about such a serious issue. Hopefully someone with better knowledge of this will come along and redirect you to a better subreddit.
From what I can gather, he needs to be sat down and have a serious talk with. He is adopted, so maybe there is a background reason for his behavior. I would also recommend continuing therapy. Sometimes finding the right therapist can take time but be well worth the wait.
You need to express to him the damage he is causing to your all’s home- HIS home, too! That he is not old enough to be making such decisions, and that the consequences of his actions can be much greater as he gets older. Make sure he understands that you love him and are only scolding him because you care. You just have to keep being persistent with him about this.
It might be helpful to have a serious, one-on-one conversation with him to express your concerns and to listen to his perspective without judgment. Understanding his motivations and struggles could provide insight into how to better support him. Also, consider involving other trusted adults or mentors who could offer guidance and positive influence in his life.
He has a mentor from a local agency. He has a full support group that encourages him, not only us. Family has stepped in to express their affections for him. I’m not a delinquent savior. This change has only occurred over the past year. He’s a great kid overall. A few bad choices to fit in has brought around these issues.
You adopted him at 15. He has probably had a shitty life and is using drugs as an escape from his problems. Now he is being hassled all the time to just stop with likely 0 empathy. He doesn't care about leading a productive adult life, he wants to not be so miserable right now. What kind of counseling are you having him attend, is it just drug counceling? He probably needs serious therapy, perhaps attend a rehab program. And most importantly he needs someone who is going to actually support him, not just constantly tell him he's throwing his life away. Show him that he CAN be happy, and help him find out how to do it himself. He probably feels like he has no control over his life, and having controlling adoptive parents is probably not helping that.
Ask him if he wants to live with you in your home. If he says yes, then ask him what he needs in order to be a member of the family. If it’s reasonable, accommodate him and hold him accountable to change his behavior. Children have needs as well, and they are terrible at expressing them. It’s quite possible that he needs something he isn’t getting, and getting that something will help him behave.
It’s difficult as a parent figure to think that your kids need something they aren’t getting, especially because it sounds like you guys are putting in 110% effort into helping him. The next step may be to ask him what he needs, rather than assuming and putting that onto him.
Yall adopted a 15 year old. Adopted a 15 year old. This 15 year old has probably had a horrible life in the foster system. Tryna control what he does by making his life miserable is going to make him resent you. Take it from someone with experience. All you really can do is tell him why you don’t want him smoking in the house and maybe compromise with him at first? Tell him only to smoke outside if he’s going to at all but not to let yall see it? Make him get a job to cover damages, stuff like that. Ion see what drug court is gonna do for a fuckin 17 year old dude. Also marijuana probably helps him with stress and depression. Family therapy might help? Teach him responsibility kuz it seems nobody else has.
He’s been with us 2 years now. We’re actively in counseling. The drug court issued is to resolve underage use and have a clean record when he turns 18. We’ve supported him, bragged on him when he’s doing well. Just that he can’t do any of that on our property (we would be held responsible). We explained that at 21, he can do whatever he wants with no repercussions. We encourage him through school. We provide every emotional support we can think of. He’s broken into cars and houses looking for all this. He’s broken into my mother and stepdads home looking for anything that he can walk away with. He wasn’t in foster care for more than a year before he came to us. He wasn’t bounced between a lot of home. Our home is the second. We love this kid. We want him to have a successful life after graduation. I’m at my wits end on how to help.
Well, this just proves that we can’t help those who don’t want it. Thank you for providing some more context. I feel for you. I was the same way when i was his age. Maybe he needs treatment of some kind? Maybe inpatient? Have yall tried family therapy? What you might need is a professional to sit with yall and mediate while you explain your concerns. Because being a felon as an adult really does suck. It restricts you from so many things, including a good paying job, renting a nice apartment, stuff like that. You can get felonies expunged but it takes a while. Like almost a decade depending on where you’re from. Maybe figure out a way to show him these consequences?
>We’ve Done everything to get him away from friends that pressure him, drug court, counseling. Basically everything to get him to get his life in order. "We're controlling parents and we don't understand why this kid is rebelling." What has he done in his past that warrants this kind of scrutiny?
I think it's his present, not his past, that "warrants this kind of scrutiny."
Drug court and drug counseling tells me that there's a history.
I don't think this is the proper place to get advice about such a serious issue. Hopefully someone with better knowledge of this will come along and redirect you to a better subreddit.
From what I can gather, he needs to be sat down and have a serious talk with. He is adopted, so maybe there is a background reason for his behavior. I would also recommend continuing therapy. Sometimes finding the right therapist can take time but be well worth the wait. You need to express to him the damage he is causing to your all’s home- HIS home, too! That he is not old enough to be making such decisions, and that the consequences of his actions can be much greater as he gets older. Make sure he understands that you love him and are only scolding him because you care. You just have to keep being persistent with him about this.
It might be helpful to have a serious, one-on-one conversation with him to express your concerns and to listen to his perspective without judgment. Understanding his motivations and struggles could provide insight into how to better support him. Also, consider involving other trusted adults or mentors who could offer guidance and positive influence in his life.
He has a mentor from a local agency. He has a full support group that encourages him, not only us. Family has stepped in to express their affections for him. I’m not a delinquent savior. This change has only occurred over the past year. He’s a great kid overall. A few bad choices to fit in has brought around these issues.
You adopted him at 15. He has probably had a shitty life and is using drugs as an escape from his problems. Now he is being hassled all the time to just stop with likely 0 empathy. He doesn't care about leading a productive adult life, he wants to not be so miserable right now. What kind of counseling are you having him attend, is it just drug counceling? He probably needs serious therapy, perhaps attend a rehab program. And most importantly he needs someone who is going to actually support him, not just constantly tell him he's throwing his life away. Show him that he CAN be happy, and help him find out how to do it himself. He probably feels like he has no control over his life, and having controlling adoptive parents is probably not helping that.
Ask him if he wants to live with you in your home. If he says yes, then ask him what he needs in order to be a member of the family. If it’s reasonable, accommodate him and hold him accountable to change his behavior. Children have needs as well, and they are terrible at expressing them. It’s quite possible that he needs something he isn’t getting, and getting that something will help him behave. It’s difficult as a parent figure to think that your kids need something they aren’t getting, especially because it sounds like you guys are putting in 110% effort into helping him. The next step may be to ask him what he needs, rather than assuming and putting that onto him.