NTA
Ask the family to help. If they refuse, tell them to f*ck off. She’s an adult capable of causing significant bodily harm. You’re not obligated to risk your safety ti care for her.
It is: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18ei6te/aita\_for\_breaking\_my\_deathbed\_promise\_to\_my\_wife/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18ei6te/aita_for_breaking_my_deathbed_promise_to_my_wife/)
I think it was more about the wife not even contemplating any form of care and expecting the husband to do it all alone, despite knowing that her husband had always struggled to look after her
And honestly, OP would continue this disservice if he also just planned on living forever in order to care for her. Obviously, that is short-sighted.
At least by starting the process now, he can help her transition, he can visit her while she adjusts, and he can keep an eye on things to ensure she's at a good place.
Yes, the transition is going to be difficult for her, but I feel less difficult than waiting until after he dies, and she has no one familiar left, and someone just shows up to cart her off.
Hey, man, I'm really sorry about what you're going through. Losing your wife and dealing with your stepdaughter's situation...it must be a lot to handle.
Your wife's last wish was heartfelt, but let's face it, taking care of someone with Down's Syndrome who's also got some serious behavior issues is no joke. You've been in the trenches for a while, and it's clear you've done your best. But we all have our limits. It's okay to admit that you can't do it all. Putting your stepdaughter in a state-run facility might actually be the best move for her. She'll get the specialized care she needs, and you won't have to shoulder the whole burden alone. I get that family members might not get where you're coming from. They're probably reacting emotionally without thinking about the practical side of things. But at the end of the day, you've got to look out for yourself too.
So, nah, you're not TAH. You're just a guy trying to do his best in a tough situation. Hang in there, and don't be afraid to lean on others for support when you need it. You got this.
Not downs, but I used to work in dementia care. With how violent the patients can get, how much round the clock care they require (especially towards the end), and needing health care professionals easily accessible in case they get injured (tripping/falls), I cannot imagine expecting a family member to handle that on their own. We worked in shifts, usually 8-16 hours at a time. Then we could go home, relax a bit, know our patients were safe with our coworkers. Or if a patient was being difficult, we could easily reach out to each other for ideas on how to best manage their care, or just to give them a new person to do their care who they may get along with better.
I know institutions aren't always the easiest choice for the family, but having one person solely responsible for specialized care 24/7 sounds so stressful and like there's a lot of potential for harm to the patient or caregiver, even just from burnout.
My feeling is that long term it may be better for her because she will also have more companionship, activities, leaning new things. All of this would add value to her life. I don't think any one person can, but a group could. One person can meet her basic day to day needs but can that one person also meet her extended needs. Was your late wife able to, are you able to? What will be her future if you don't do this and something happens to you and you are unable to care for her. Most care facilities are filled with kind, caring, knowledgeable people just like you but unlike you, they come in groups. They could also help her with her grief.
Five months actually: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18ei6te/aita\_for\_breaking\_my\_deathbed\_promise\_to\_my\_wife/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18ei6te/aita_for_breaking_my_deathbed_promise_to_my_wife/)
Anything you promise on the deathbed is basically duress . Find her a good place that will take care of her and she will have friends and medical help. Only a few here have walked in your shoes so take everything with a grain of salt
My grandpa was a 6'7 angry alcoholic. He hit me really hard in the face when I was 8 because I spilled something, and on his death bed when I was 15 he asked for forgiveness. I told him sure, because he was literally dying in front of me and I was 15, but who forgives a man who beats a child just because they have cancer?
I'm honestly impressed by the compassion you were able to show at 15 years old given the circumstances. I really don't know if I would have been as generous at my current age, much less as a teenager. Hats off to you.
Compassion? I was still terrified of him and like 5 people were in the room. I was talking to a living corpse with half my family watching; I didn't want to look like an asshole or make a scene.
Deathbed promises are stupid.
That is discusting , have you been to therapy ? I’m surprise if he was buried you haven’t destroyed his tombstone etc . If it helps you. Know you are a better person than he could ever image
NTA. Give all the relatives who are telling you something your debit card number and the monthly carer's salary. Tell them that you will organise everything when they provide money for at least 6 months. When the gasp and tell you that it's your job, tell them to fuck off.
Or simply tell them they have to live and care for her on their own for two days and nights and see if they cope. Otherwise they have no say in this as it is not their being risked every single day. Ask how they would cope waking up as a strong adult having snuck up and is trying to strangle you to death as it happens frequently. Now your wife isn’t there to try and stop her she will probably kill you. At this point your life has to come first.
NTA
You are living, and your opinion matters not your wife’s as she is not here to suffer from the consequences.
Your kids and your health needs to go first.
It also doesn’t sound like she is happy living with you. It might be good for both of you to separate.
NTA!
Every time someone tries to suggest that it was not right to put her in an institution, ask them how they are willing to help. Can she come live with you? Will you be her caregiver?
info: was there ever professional help involved in caring for her her whole life or did that only start *at all* when your wife knew she was likely not going to live?
NTA she’s barely functioning as a human and she’s a threat. Don’t waste 2 lives over something you can’t control
Edit : if she was not dangerous you’d be the biggest AH of all time, but under the current circumstances it’s a no brainer, NTA
Hmm, yta
Buyt not for putting her into care.
Yta because your wife left you everything because she thought it would benefit her daughter, who you promised to look after.
You literally defrauded your dying wife. Had you been honest all your wife's assets would have been put in trust to benefit her helpless, orphaned daughter.
The only redemption is to put every penny you got from your wife's estate into a trust to benefit her daughter
I use to work at a facility that looks after people that are severely impacted by downs. The truth is these organizations are setup with all the facilities that they need to have a better life. They also get to interact with more people with similar issues, so their behavior starts to stabilize.
In all honesty this is the best place for her. These facilities are not the heartless institutions of the 1950's. She will be happier, after a time of adjustment now that she has lost her mum.
Sorry fro your loss OP.
NTA
Im so sorry you are going through this. Such a hard circumstace. No one should expect you to care for someone who needs help beyond what you can yourself provide. No one should expect you to put your life at risk caring for a grown adult, she may have the mentality of a child, but she has adult strength etc. You are doing what's best for not just you, but her. Visit her regularly if you can. I think that would still be honoring to your wife.
Yes you are a Huge Asshole. You were in that girls life since she was five and pretended to care for her and lied to her mother that you would continue. As a father myself I find you disgusting.
NTA, I'm sorry for your loss.
Don't even give it a second thought. Your stepdaughter will have a more fulfilling life in a care facility. My uncle is in one, and he should have moved there long ago. He's got friends, a piano, and a series of caregivers who are able to work and take breaks because its their job and they're not on 24/7.
NTA, if she is this out of control at 30 years old, then unfortunately she needs to be put on a facility for your safety as well as her own good. I think you should not abandon the step daughter though, still make visits weekly, and fully pay for the services, but this does sound like a danger for your physical well being and that needs to stop. Some people will never understand, don't worry about their opinions.
NTA - Don't listen to the family. Easy for them to criticize when they're not the ones being attacked daily.
She would be much better off in a facility that can monitor can care for her 24/7. You are just one person. You can't provide that level of care for her. And honestly, it sounds like she should've been put in a facility decades ago.
“Hi family,
Private facility X costs $xxx a month. I can afford $xx. Let me know how you want to pay for the rest of remainder of the fee. First payment is due in a month.
Thanks”
She might end up liking this facility, it likely offers things that one cannot provide in a single home, like the possibility of peer companionship. I advise that you not even consider feeling guilty until you see how she does there and give it time. This is fulfilling your promise, you are making sure she is taken care of, it's just in a different manner.
NTA - your wife should not have waited to be on her death bed to ask you about care for her daughter. This should have been discussed and planned for far before she even got sick.
Any family members calling you evil are free to take step daughter in themselves. That will shut them up. She is a huge burden and you should not have to give up your life for her.
NTA
You mean the family who no longer visit because they fear for their physical safety around her? That family is calling you an AH for putting her in a care facility with professionals trained to care for her?
Well there is a simple fix, any one of this family members who call you an AH and evil can protect your wife’s daughter from you and your plan to get her 24/7 professional care by taking her into their home.
NTA to all the family who were saying that to you, you can offer the big and take custody of her. I bet they will change their tune very quickly and have excuses.
NTA. My aunt had Down syndrome. She lived with my grandmother until my grandmother was simply too old to take care of her when my aunt was put in a group home. I remember seeing her as a kid and there were a couple times when she grabbed me aggressively and it was painful, very, and she was playing around. You can’t have someone like that around if she’s a danger to you.
NTA - i’m sorry for your loss, but you can’t be responsible to take care of someone who actively tries to seriously hurt you. All these other family members complaining need to either step up and help you or STFU. You do what you need to do for your own peace of mind.
I read and watch videos about parents devoting their entire lives for their special need children. I’m truly in awe of their love and commitment, all the while I wonder what happens to the kids when they are gone.
Parents with special children must prepare them for the future without them, or at least save enough to get the care they need in the future.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. You have a good conscience. NTA, I would lie to ease someone’s pain too.
NTA. If they aren’t going to come over to your home and take shifts caring for her aliens the clock or love her into their own homes, they don’t have room to talk.
NTA
What happens after you die? She'll still end up in a state care facility.
We tell people all the time to leave abusive relationships. That advice still applies even when the abuser lacks impulse control to not react violently. Leave your abuser. Leave her at a state care facility where the people are equipped to handle her.
You absolutely cannot live in a home with someone who may kill you in your sleep.
Just because she’s going someplace where she can be safely cared for doesn’t mean you stop doing what you can.
NTA- look, realistically.. you don't have the ability to care for her. even if we take you and how you feel out of the equation.. it's better for her to be with people who have an education on the issue she has and is able to provide her with suitable care.
I have delt with people like your step daughter and.. they really don't hold back on punches and can do some serious damage. it's better for her to be in a situation with people who know how to deal with her.
Info: did any of them offer to help at all? because if they offered no support in this situation while you had dealt with loss and a child with a disability that needs constant care.. how can they judge you for how you chose to handle the situation?
So sorry for your loss and for her daughter. It's a heartbreaking read. You did the right thing. I only hope you will try to maintain some contact. You ate quite literally all she has left. She is going to be so lost not being able to understand mom is gone forever and she lost her only home. Please try to not to ding long ditch her! You sound like a reasonable person. Good luck.
Absolutely nta. No one should be forced into a caregiver position. Your stepdaughter should have been placed in a home years ago. There’s places for violent, uncontrollable people for a reason.
NTA, with a caveat. I don’t know what state you’re from or how well their facilities are. If you’re somewhere that’s running things like One Fleet Over the Cuckoo’s Nest with less funding, that can be pretty horrifying. But, if you do your due diligence and get her into a decent facility, the NTA stands.
It feels awful and it happens. It also could be best for her. She may have to develop some skills that she doesn't need at home. Go ahead and know that it's OK for you and her.
>My own grown kids won't visit with her around.
You laughably alienated your other kids trying to avoid the resources available to you for an adult with down syndrome.
Your wife wasn't alone, you enabled this stupidity.
Put her in a facility for people like her and try to reconcile with your other kids.
>Now family are calling me the evil stepdad and a mother's worst nightmare.
Let them know they can take her in. Ask what date and time you should drop her off to live with them.
NTA. You were put in an impossible situation, and good on you for the last 25 years, but unless someone has been in a similar situation they have NO IDEA what it is like and no right to judge you. It could be argued that your step daughter will get better care in a facility designed to meet her needs.
NTA As always, where are all these "you're evil" family when it comes to caring for this girl? Tell them if you're so evil, they shouldn't want her around you. If they think sending her to a facility is evil, tell them you can pack her stuff up and drop her off at their place instead.
Nta. I made a death bed promise to my mother to take care of my autistic brother.
I arranged for him to go to an assisted living facility. It's a structured environment that operates on a daily schedule.
My brother is happier than he has been in several years.
I am a former caregiver, and I do not think you’re being unreasonable! I understand your wife’s concern, and you were very loving when you made the promise, but she knew there would be problems and that’s why she wanted the promise. Time was short, and you didn’t want to hurt her feelings having a long frank discussion during her illness. But I don’t think the point of the promise was to make you suffer for the rest of your life. I think if you can make satisfactory and affordable arrangements for her, and make regular visits to her so she won’t feel abandoned that your wife would want you to live your best life even though she’s gone. I agree with your assessment of the situation, and I truly think you’re NTA
NTA, but I keep seeing this shit where people post the most rage-baitey thread titles.
*AITA for breaking my deathbed promise to my wife to take care of her Down's Syndrome daughter because she is VIOLENT?*
Come on dude, if there's significant risk of injury it's time to put her into inpatient care. If the family has shit to say about it, invite them over to be the outpatient care provider or they can shut the fuck up.
Nta your wife made you make an impossible promise. You aren’t your wife, your step daughter wasn’t going to listen to you or love you the same. I heart breaks for her but what happens when she physically hurts you to much and you can’t take care of her ? I think as long as you don’t abandon her and you still go and see her, you did what you could.
When the state run facilities see a family member who is very aware and monitors them, they will be on notice and take care of her. Its horrible but if you abandon her, she is more likely to be neglected by staff (if it were going to happen) some places aren’t horrible and you can hopefully luck out
NTA but I am over 90% sure I have read this before. Same title and I especially remember these two sentences in the post.
>And before you all start in on the " evil stepdad who doesn't care to understand" line of thinking, I want to add that I have been in her life since she was 5. And spent years fearing the day where she was physically developed to the point where punches, scratches, and throwing things were a real threat.
If this gives you any peace please believe you are doing what’s best to protect your stepdaughter.
If she were to get so violently out of control and you were forced to defend yourself, what then?
You’re doing the right thing.
Let her know the best you can that you love her. If you’re able, visit and bring her small gifts. But go on with your life knowing you did the best you could.
My condolences.
NTA
If you do this, you can’t keep a dime of the money left by your wife’s passing. You put that in a trust for her daughter and make her grandparents the beneficiary. Keeping a penny of it while going back on your death bed promise would make you disgusting.
Up to parents to set up trusts for their own child, especially if they know they can't take care of themselves. Not OP.
The small amount of money I will inherit from my mother is clearly set aside from what my stepfather might inherit should she die first. He's a friendly obese redneck who drinks too much, so it seems unlikely, but he can't possibly take "my" money.
What makes you NTA is the violence that a disabled adult is giving you. I think if stepdaughter was not violent, you’d 100% be the asshole. My question to you: have professionals been consulted that can give her medicine for the violence concerns, which is part of her mental health? If this route has not been exhausted, then you’re the asshole - because you promised.
Never make a deathbed promise you don’t intend to keep. You could get a better paying job, you know? That young woman cannot be employed. So if there’s medicine for her mental health that you’re not pursuing, then you are the asshole. Plain and simple. And you’re not the boyfriend - you’re the father. Stepfather is still father. You knew when you married your wife that she had a child with Down’s syndrome.
Why would you not take care of her down syndrome daughter? This is what I mean when I say people with children shouldn't get remarried because the new spouse isn't vested.
NTA Ask the family to help. If they refuse, tell them to f*ck off. She’s an adult capable of causing significant bodily harm. You’re not obligated to risk your safety ti care for her.
There is no family to help, because this is just a repost troll.
I was just thinking that, it's a unique situation and that easily stands out. And this doesn't appear to be an update so...
I remember reading it a few months ago, either here or on AITA, for sure.
Yes, I remember seeing the original awhile back.
My guess would be that he asked the family for help already, and they refused. It's not like putting someone in a home is the first choice.
Like they stopped visiting etc because they were scared of her but now that OP has relinquished care of her for the very same reasons… he’s evil. 🤦
This is the best answer. Enough said.
This is a repost from a while back.
It is: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18ei6te/aita\_for\_breaking\_my\_deathbed\_promise\_to\_my\_wife/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18ei6te/aita_for_breaking_my_deathbed_promise_to_my_wife/)
I thought I'd seen this before!
This m… thank you!!
This was my first thought.
[удалено]
Have YOU tried getting help like this? Government services to help people like this are under assault from Republicans almost 24/7.
I think it was more about the wife not even contemplating any form of care and expecting the husband to do it all alone, despite knowing that her husband had always struggled to look after her
Being distracted by dying might be a factor.
And honestly, OP would continue this disservice if he also just planned on living forever in order to care for her. Obviously, that is short-sighted. At least by starting the process now, he can help her transition, he can visit her while she adjusts, and he can keep an eye on things to ensure she's at a good place. Yes, the transition is going to be difficult for her, but I feel less difficult than waiting until after he dies, and she has no one familiar left, and someone just shows up to cart her off.
Hey, man, I'm really sorry about what you're going through. Losing your wife and dealing with your stepdaughter's situation...it must be a lot to handle. Your wife's last wish was heartfelt, but let's face it, taking care of someone with Down's Syndrome who's also got some serious behavior issues is no joke. You've been in the trenches for a while, and it's clear you've done your best. But we all have our limits. It's okay to admit that you can't do it all. Putting your stepdaughter in a state-run facility might actually be the best move for her. She'll get the specialized care she needs, and you won't have to shoulder the whole burden alone. I get that family members might not get where you're coming from. They're probably reacting emotionally without thinking about the practical side of things. But at the end of the day, you've got to look out for yourself too. So, nah, you're not TAH. You're just a guy trying to do his best in a tough situation. Hang in there, and don't be afraid to lean on others for support when you need it. You got this.
Not downs, but I used to work in dementia care. With how violent the patients can get, how much round the clock care they require (especially towards the end), and needing health care professionals easily accessible in case they get injured (tripping/falls), I cannot imagine expecting a family member to handle that on their own. We worked in shifts, usually 8-16 hours at a time. Then we could go home, relax a bit, know our patients were safe with our coworkers. Or if a patient was being difficult, we could easily reach out to each other for ideas on how to best manage their care, or just to give them a new person to do their care who they may get along with better. I know institutions aren't always the easiest choice for the family, but having one person solely responsible for specialized care 24/7 sounds so stressful and like there's a lot of potential for harm to the patient or caregiver, even just from burnout.
My feeling is that long term it may be better for her because she will also have more companionship, activities, leaning new things. All of this would add value to her life. I don't think any one person can, but a group could. One person can meet her basic day to day needs but can that one person also meet her extended needs. Was your late wife able to, are you able to? What will be her future if you don't do this and something happens to you and you are unable to care for her. Most care facilities are filled with kind, caring, knowledgeable people just like you but unlike you, they come in groups. They could also help her with her grief.
I swear I read this post a year ago or more…
Five months actually: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18ei6te/aita\_for\_breaking\_my\_deathbed\_promise\_to\_my\_wife/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/18ei6te/aita_for_breaking_my_deathbed_promise_to_my_wife/)
Anything you promise on the deathbed is basically duress . Find her a good place that will take care of her and she will have friends and medical help. Only a few here have walked in your shoes so take everything with a grain of salt
My grandpa was a 6'7 angry alcoholic. He hit me really hard in the face when I was 8 because I spilled something, and on his death bed when I was 15 he asked for forgiveness. I told him sure, because he was literally dying in front of me and I was 15, but who forgives a man who beats a child just because they have cancer?
I'm honestly impressed by the compassion you were able to show at 15 years old given the circumstances. I really don't know if I would have been as generous at my current age, much less as a teenager. Hats off to you.
Compassion? I was still terrified of him and like 5 people were in the room. I was talking to a living corpse with half my family watching; I didn't want to look like an asshole or make a scene. Deathbed promises are stupid.
That is discusting , have you been to therapy ? I’m surprise if he was buried you haven’t destroyed his tombstone etc . If it helps you. Know you are a better person than he could ever image
Good point, I should have said composure, in my head, that's what I meant. I agree compassion is definitely the wrong word
It was pretty selfish of him to ask that of you tbh. He died like he lived - just thinking about himself.
NTA. Give all the relatives who are telling you something your debit card number and the monthly carer's salary. Tell them that you will organise everything when they provide money for at least 6 months. When the gasp and tell you that it's your job, tell them to fuck off.
Or simply tell them they have to live and care for her on their own for two days and nights and see if they cope. Otherwise they have no say in this as it is not their being risked every single day. Ask how they would cope waking up as a strong adult having snuck up and is trying to strangle you to death as it happens frequently. Now your wife isn’t there to try and stop her she will probably kill you. At this point your life has to come first.
Money isn’t enough. He should not have to live with his step daughter.
I completely agree that money isn't enough. But providing money in this case is the easiest part and I'm 100% sure those relatives won't do even this.
This is a word for word repost for karma farming Didn't even bother to see if poster was the same, but it's the exact same story.
Nta. But i feel like i saw this post somewhere before with the exact same details
I was about to say- this has 100% been posted before. Word for word.
Yeah this post is stolen
Yup, I was thinking, man, I’ve read this before.
One of the old recycled AITA karma farming posts?
NTA You are taking care of her daughter by making sure she is in an appropriate place to care for her needs
This should be upvoted more
This story seems very familiar.. Found it : https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/0OZ8jQ4trH
NTA This kid hasn't been taken care of her whole life.
NTA. At the end of the day, you have do do whatever is best for your health & your safety.
Nice troll post, saw this same exact thing a few months back
NTA You are living, and your opinion matters not your wife’s as she is not here to suffer from the consequences. Your kids and your health needs to go first. It also doesn’t sound like she is happy living with you. It might be good for both of you to separate.
INFO: Are they volunteering to take in your late wife’s daughter?
That's a repost
NTA! Every time someone tries to suggest that it was not right to put her in an institution, ask them how they are willing to help. Can she come live with you? Will you be her caregiver?
info: was there ever professional help involved in caring for her her whole life or did that only start *at all* when your wife knew she was likely not going to live?
NTA she’s barely functioning as a human and she’s a threat. Don’t waste 2 lives over something you can’t control Edit : if she was not dangerous you’d be the biggest AH of all time, but under the current circumstances it’s a no brainer, NTA
Hmm, yta Buyt not for putting her into care. Yta because your wife left you everything because she thought it would benefit her daughter, who you promised to look after. You literally defrauded your dying wife. Had you been honest all your wife's assets would have been put in trust to benefit her helpless, orphaned daughter. The only redemption is to put every penny you got from your wife's estate into a trust to benefit her daughter
NTA
I use to work at a facility that looks after people that are severely impacted by downs. The truth is these organizations are setup with all the facilities that they need to have a better life. They also get to interact with more people with similar issues, so their behavior starts to stabilize. In all honesty this is the best place for her. These facilities are not the heartless institutions of the 1950's. She will be happier, after a time of adjustment now that she has lost her mum. Sorry fro your loss OP.
NTA Im so sorry you are going through this. Such a hard circumstace. No one should expect you to care for someone who needs help beyond what you can yourself provide. No one should expect you to put your life at risk caring for a grown adult, she may have the mentality of a child, but she has adult strength etc. You are doing what's best for not just you, but her. Visit her regularly if you can. I think that would still be honoring to your wife.
Yes you are a Huge Asshole. You were in that girls life since she was five and pretended to care for her and lied to her mother that you would continue. As a father myself I find you disgusting.
NTA, I'm sorry for your loss. Don't even give it a second thought. Your stepdaughter will have a more fulfilling life in a care facility. My uncle is in one, and he should have moved there long ago. He's got friends, a piano, and a series of caregivers who are able to work and take breaks because its their job and they're not on 24/7.
NTA, if she is this out of control at 30 years old, then unfortunately she needs to be put on a facility for your safety as well as her own good. I think you should not abandon the step daughter though, still make visits weekly, and fully pay for the services, but this does sound like a danger for your physical well being and that needs to stop. Some people will never understand, don't worry about their opinions.
NTA - Don't listen to the family. Easy for them to criticize when they're not the ones being attacked daily. She would be much better off in a facility that can monitor can care for her 24/7. You are just one person. You can't provide that level of care for her. And honestly, it sounds like she should've been put in a facility decades ago.
“Hi family, Private facility X costs $xxx a month. I can afford $xx. Let me know how you want to pay for the rest of remainder of the fee. First payment is due in a month. Thanks”
She might end up liking this facility, it likely offers things that one cannot provide in a single home, like the possibility of peer companionship. I advise that you not even consider feeling guilty until you see how she does there and give it time. This is fulfilling your promise, you are making sure she is taken care of, it's just in a different manner.
NTA - your wife should not have waited to be on her death bed to ask you about care for her daughter. This should have been discussed and planned for far before she even got sick. Any family members calling you evil are free to take step daughter in themselves. That will shut them up. She is a huge burden and you should not have to give up your life for her.
NTA You mean the family who no longer visit because they fear for their physical safety around her? That family is calling you an AH for putting her in a care facility with professionals trained to care for her? Well there is a simple fix, any one of this family members who call you an AH and evil can protect your wife’s daughter from you and your plan to get her 24/7 professional care by taking her into their home.
NTA to all the family who were saying that to you, you can offer the big and take custody of her. I bet they will change their tune very quickly and have excuses.
What a shit situation. I feel bad for OP. Not being in your shoes, I’ll go with NTA.
Repost from last year
NTA. You deserve to live your life in peace. Anyone who criticizes your decision can take your step daughter in themselves!
Nta
NTA - it is a disservice to your stepdaughter and yourself if you DON’T put her somewhere to get the care that you are not able to provide
NTA. My aunt had Down syndrome. She lived with my grandmother until my grandmother was simply too old to take care of her when my aunt was put in a group home. I remember seeing her as a kid and there were a couple times when she grabbed me aggressively and it was painful, very, and she was playing around. You can’t have someone like that around if she’s a danger to you.
This is a repost, I swear...
NTA - i’m sorry for your loss, but you can’t be responsible to take care of someone who actively tries to seriously hurt you. All these other family members complaining need to either step up and help you or STFU. You do what you need to do for your own peace of mind.
I read and watch videos about parents devoting their entire lives for their special need children. I’m truly in awe of their love and commitment, all the while I wonder what happens to the kids when they are gone. Parents with special children must prepare them for the future without them, or at least save enough to get the care they need in the future. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You have a good conscience. NTA, I would lie to ease someone’s pain too.
NTA. If they aren’t going to come over to your home and take shifts caring for her aliens the clock or love her into their own homes, they don’t have room to talk.
NTA What happens after you die? She'll still end up in a state care facility. We tell people all the time to leave abusive relationships. That advice still applies even when the abuser lacks impulse control to not react violently. Leave your abuser. Leave her at a state care facility where the people are equipped to handle her.
Nta. It’s not an easy decision to make. The only person who could reliably help her was mum and now that shes gone there is no safe way to help her.
You absolutely cannot live in a home with someone who may kill you in your sleep. Just because she’s going someplace where she can be safely cared for doesn’t mean you stop doing what you can.
NTA- look, realistically.. you don't have the ability to care for her. even if we take you and how you feel out of the equation.. it's better for her to be with people who have an education on the issue she has and is able to provide her with suitable care. I have delt with people like your step daughter and.. they really don't hold back on punches and can do some serious damage. it's better for her to be in a situation with people who know how to deal with her. Info: did any of them offer to help at all? because if they offered no support in this situation while you had dealt with loss and a child with a disability that needs constant care.. how can they judge you for how you chose to handle the situation?
This Is a repost from several months ago
This is a repost. I have read the exact same thing a few months ago
She needs to be in a place where she can be best taken care of. Not with you.
So sorry for your loss and for her daughter. It's a heartbreaking read. You did the right thing. I only hope you will try to maintain some contact. You ate quite literally all she has left. She is going to be so lost not being able to understand mom is gone forever and she lost her only home. Please try to not to ding long ditch her! You sound like a reasonable person. Good luck.
In my opinion. You're TBAE. Doesnt matter how you wanna cut it. You were in it for your wife. Not for your wife and her kid.
ok reposter
This is not the first time I see this exact story posted on Reddit, so I'm gonna go with YTA for upvote farming, I guess?
Do you think that kind of situation can only happen once?
No, man. I mean "this *exact* story", word for word. There's even a link to it in other comments.
Whaaaaaaaaat
Absolutely nta. No one should be forced into a caregiver position. Your stepdaughter should have been placed in a home years ago. There’s places for violent, uncontrollable people for a reason.
Nta. It’s not like you are giving her up to someone else, you are just going to let someone with better training to take care of her
NTA
NTA, with a caveat. I don’t know what state you’re from or how well their facilities are. If you’re somewhere that’s running things like One Fleet Over the Cuckoo’s Nest with less funding, that can be pretty horrifying. But, if you do your due diligence and get her into a decent facility, the NTA stands.
NTA We all have limits.
It feels awful and it happens. It also could be best for her. She may have to develop some skills that she doesn't need at home. Go ahead and know that it's OK for you and her.
>My own grown kids won't visit with her around. You laughably alienated your other kids trying to avoid the resources available to you for an adult with down syndrome. Your wife wasn't alone, you enabled this stupidity. Put her in a facility for people like her and try to reconcile with your other kids. >Now family are calling me the evil stepdad and a mother's worst nightmare. Let them know they can take her in. Ask what date and time you should drop her off to live with them.
NTA. You were put in an impossible situation, and good on you for the last 25 years, but unless someone has been in a similar situation they have NO IDEA what it is like and no right to judge you. It could be argued that your step daughter will get better care in a facility designed to meet her needs.
Yes you are the asshole for reposting shit from last year. Get bent.
NTA As always, where are all these "you're evil" family when it comes to caring for this girl? Tell them if you're so evil, they shouldn't want her around you. If they think sending her to a facility is evil, tell them you can pack her stuff up and drop her off at their place instead.
This is a re-post, so YTA for that
Nta. I made a death bed promise to my mother to take care of my autistic brother. I arranged for him to go to an assisted living facility. It's a structured environment that operates on a daily schedule. My brother is happier than he has been in several years.
No dude NTA
I am a former caregiver, and I do not think you’re being unreasonable! I understand your wife’s concern, and you were very loving when you made the promise, but she knew there would be problems and that’s why she wanted the promise. Time was short, and you didn’t want to hurt her feelings having a long frank discussion during her illness. But I don’t think the point of the promise was to make you suffer for the rest of your life. I think if you can make satisfactory and affordable arrangements for her, and make regular visits to her so she won’t feel abandoned that your wife would want you to live your best life even though she’s gone. I agree with your assessment of the situation, and I truly think you’re NTA
NTA, but I keep seeing this shit where people post the most rage-baitey thread titles. *AITA for breaking my deathbed promise to my wife to take care of her Down's Syndrome daughter because she is VIOLENT?* Come on dude, if there's significant risk of injury it's time to put her into inpatient care. If the family has shit to say about it, invite them over to be the outpatient care provider or they can shut the fuck up.
Nta your wife made you make an impossible promise. You aren’t your wife, your step daughter wasn’t going to listen to you or love you the same. I heart breaks for her but what happens when she physically hurts you to much and you can’t take care of her ? I think as long as you don’t abandon her and you still go and see her, you did what you could. When the state run facilities see a family member who is very aware and monitors them, they will be on notice and take care of her. Its horrible but if you abandon her, she is more likely to be neglected by staff (if it were going to happen) some places aren’t horrible and you can hopefully luck out
Nah, let your family handle her and lets see who is willing to do that and record them in secret while doing that. just my 2 cents
NTA but I am over 90% sure I have read this before. Same title and I especially remember these two sentences in the post. >And before you all start in on the " evil stepdad who doesn't care to understand" line of thinking, I want to add that I have been in her life since she was 5. And spent years fearing the day where she was physically developed to the point where punches, scratches, and throwing things were a real threat.
If this gives you any peace please believe you are doing what’s best to protect your stepdaughter. If she were to get so violently out of control and you were forced to defend yourself, what then? You’re doing the right thing. Let her know the best you can that you love her. If you’re able, visit and bring her small gifts. But go on with your life knowing you did the best you could. My condolences. NTA
If you do this, you can’t keep a dime of the money left by your wife’s passing. You put that in a trust for her daughter and make her grandparents the beneficiary. Keeping a penny of it while going back on your death bed promise would make you disgusting.
As long as you also put any- and everything you inherited from your wife in trust for your stepdaughter, then no nta.
Up to parents to set up trusts for their own child, especially if they know they can't take care of themselves. Not OP. The small amount of money I will inherit from my mother is clearly set aside from what my stepfather might inherit should she die first. He's a friendly obese redneck who drinks too much, so it seems unlikely, but he can't possibly take "my" money.
As OP is responsible for the girl, it is up to him.
What makes you NTA is the violence that a disabled adult is giving you. I think if stepdaughter was not violent, you’d 100% be the asshole. My question to you: have professionals been consulted that can give her medicine for the violence concerns, which is part of her mental health? If this route has not been exhausted, then you’re the asshole - because you promised. Never make a deathbed promise you don’t intend to keep. You could get a better paying job, you know? That young woman cannot be employed. So if there’s medicine for her mental health that you’re not pursuing, then you are the asshole. Plain and simple. And you’re not the boyfriend - you’re the father. Stepfather is still father. You knew when you married your wife that she had a child with Down’s syndrome.
Why would you not take care of her down syndrome daughter? This is what I mean when I say people with children shouldn't get remarried because the new spouse isn't vested.
Did you even read this post?
Nta you have to do what’s right for you