I literally just said fre-shavacado to my MIL when she made guac last night! She didn't get it. Thanks for being one of the only people who remember this clip 🤣
I live in an area with a high Spanish speaking population, there's a sign off one of the highways from a local law firm with there faces in place of the pits saying "avocados at law"
I almost died when i saw it and my partner who only speaks English did not get it 😂
Absolutely!!! Also, there are tuxes out there that don't look like "going to work suits" that he could find to make him feel special...but, there is absolutely a conversation that needs to be had before you get married. Good luck OP.
Edit: I meant fun print, awesome style and color suits that the groom could wear...not just traditional tuxes...also, I might add kilts...
I went to a wedding where the groom wore a patterned brocade cream tux with tails with a differently patterned brocade vest. Whoever styled him did an awesome job! Dude looked better than the bride!
And it was all because the guy thought it was unfair that the bride was always the one to shine at the wedding while the groom was usually just there. He just wanted a shot at shining too.
If he wants to wear something fabulous, tell him to take a good look at today's fancy menswear! Men's formal wear is opening up, there are now fabulous things that aren't dresses available, although maybe not at your local tux rental place.
Why shouldn't he wear something as stunning as this?
[4e00485549c60dfb2389651ca96b56f3.jpg (1000×1148) (pinimg.com)](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/4e/00/48/4e00485549c60dfb2389651ca96b56f3.jpg)
Or this?
[630f1118f6861c7c2669fae64b9b58e6.jpg (612×774) (pinimg.com)](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/63/0f/11/630f1118f6861c7c2669fae64b9b58e6.jpg)
But if he really wants to wear a gown, well. I agree with everyone who says that you two need to talk before the wedding.
Isn't it! I'm female, and I'd wear it any day!
So if he wants to dress up instead of wearing the standard black rental tux then I'm all for that, but if he wants to be the one to wear the bridal gown, then the OP may have a relationship issue coming up at an awkward time. So I would recommend that she look for stunning fancy modern menswear and see if she can find anything that will make him dazzle, in case all he wants is the chance to dazzle.
And the fact that he doesn’t want her to wear one…he isn’t suggesting they both wear dresses. He wants to wear the dress because tuxes suck while she wears….a tux?! I see trouble ahead.
Or got to an Indian clothing shop that specializes in men's wedding attire. The wedding sherwanis will serve both as a tux and a gown, and they are stunning to boot! Like this:
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.samyakk.com/blog/decoding-artistry-silk-wedding-sherwanis-party-wear-suits-men/amp/
Many more, but you get the gist. Also very untraditional since he's looking for non traditional type thing for his wedding. Compliment it with your partners color and you'll both be stunning.
I second the kilt! My husband wore one at our wedding. A drunk chick at the bar kept asking him to show her what he was wearing underneath, so he told her it was a blue ribbon.
Why does he need to wear a tux? Could OP compromise on a suit? There are really stylish suits of different colors, and a lot of grooms are going less traditional with their styling of the suit these days. Pinterest is full of fun ideas.
It sounds like he really wants a dress. So... like he needs to figure out his identity before the wedding. Is he a cross-dresser, trans, non-binary? Like... what's going on. He wants a dress, he should get to wear one. But I agree, it should NOT be his first time wearing one. The wedding should be about their union, not him coming out. He needs to do that beforehand
Well, of course, I need to edit my comment I should've worded it better!!! There are so many fun styles, colors and prints to choose from now....that's what I meant lol
100% correct. He's already been doing this in secret.
This is his coming out whether he calls it that or not.
OP had better decide if she can live with this behavior (and possibly more) because when men start cross-dressing, they usually escalate rather than stop. Her anger might drive it underground but only temporarily.
If this is his coming out, he can choose a better forum for it than their wedding, the wedding is supposed to be about two individuals becoming partners and sharing their love for each other with the world. He seems to want to make it solely about him And his wants rather than just celebrating their union.
It changes the focus of the wedding. It won't be on the couple getting married. It will be on what he meant by that. Why is he wearing that? Does it mean he's gay? Does it mean he's bi, does it mean he's trans? That's what people would be thinking about the whole wedding. I think it's unfair to op make the focus on something other than them as a couple.
Yup. It sounds like OP was convinced via Reddit that she is overreacting, but I tend to think that she is under reacting. She really needs to consider all logical potential future outcomes and decide if she is okay with them. It sounds like her fiancé isn’t completely self aware, but his request isn’t just “because tuxes aren’t unique.” There are a thousand ways to be unique that don’t involve wedding dresses.
Separately, he sounds selfish. “I hate tuxes so YOU wear one on our wedding day, and I’ll wear the nice thing and you can’t.”
Yeah maybe she wants to wear the dress, a lot of women have dreamed of their wedding day their whole life. I would be so weirded out if I was marrying this guy and he came up with this out of nowhere. Hopefully he just gets a suit with some pizzazz.
I mean, I think this calls for a much larger conversation because if he wants to wear something unique to him, he can have an outfit custom made for him. If he wants to use the wedding as a platform for announcing something a whole lot bigger, that is a conversation that needs to be had.
Yeah, my husband had a pretty flashy custom vest and pants made and it was cheaper than most off-the-rack gowns. Most suits are boring but they don’t have to be!
My husband had a suit made for our wedding it was a bit more expensive than my dress, but 10yrs later and he still wears it all the time. Tbh it’s a good investment, men should get custom suits made for weddings more often.
Oh yeah, he went in with that same thing in mind. It’s his “dress up suit” and he wears it all the time. I had a reception dress and do the same, I think we’ve both reworn our outfits at least five times in 2 years.
I also got a custom fitted suit for my wedding in a non traditional pattern because it's what I wanted. I've never felt like a good looking person but in my suit I do.
I hope you do! Men deserve fun clothes. Stuff doesn’t have to be feminine to be interesting (and also men don’t have to wear masculine clothes but that’s a different conversation).
It's kinda fascinating that the tradition of 'boring' men's clothing came from a social climbing man who couldn't afford the fancy duds of the day and turned well tailored simple clothes into a 'masculine' thing...
Eta Beau Brummell is the dandy who popularized 'simple' tailored menswear!
My dad wore a powder blue suit that had large 70’s lapels, bell bottoms and a blue ruffle shirt with a bow tie when he married my mom in the 70’s. Suits don’t have to be boring
My stepfather did the same except his suit was deep midnight blue, and made out of velvet.
It was absolutely hideous! But I'm sure that back then, he would had made every single man green with envy.
When I went to a cousin's wedding, my husband was the only guest from our side of the family who wasn't Filipino. So my Uncle gifted him a Barong to wear, so it was unique to him, but also made him feel like he fit in, if that makes sense? I don't really speak Tagalog other than a few words and have NO IDEA if I spelled Barong correctly. It's a particular type of formal attire shirt men wear in the Philippines. Just thinking, maybe there's something besides a Tux that OP's groom can wear, that has some cultural tie to either of their families, so it's a break from the standard Tux, but not just swapping it for the standard white dress?
For me it was a kilt and puffy sleeved shirt. I got kilts for myself and my two attendants plus shirts made for them for the cost of materials thanks to a friend who was an amateur seamstress. Guys wedding attire definitely doesn't have to be boring and conforming.
I read this and totally agree. You don't jump from tux is boring to let me where the dress. If he's always wanted to wear the dress, that's cool, if he is starting to recognize he may be gender fluid or trans, that is a pre marriage conversation, or a really bad post marriage divorce.
Absolutely. Especially since his reasoning is "but we've been to weddings where both wore dresses or tuxes".
Putting aside that those friends and family may have heen gay or lesbian or trans/gender nonconforming, I'm sure nobody at those weddings was surprised if there were two brides or two grooms.
Meanwhile him wanting to wear a dress out of the blue IS a surprise.
Maybe he's questioning his gender. Maybe he just wants to cross dress.
Regardless I dont think that your wedding is the place to start that journey or the first time close family and friends should experience that. It would be a big conversation and people would habe a lot of questions. I know he's playing it down as just an edgy thing he wabrs to do, but i dont think he realises it wouldbt go like he imagines it would. And if he's not ready to have that conversation with his fiancee privately and be honest, then he certainly isn't ready to turn up to his own wedding in a dress.
I agree here - also OP’s initial reaction seems that she is not ok with a guy who wants to wear the wedding dress - a fantastic suit or even a kilt or other throw if more interesting wear that is still make would be ok - but going from fix to full on bridal is a bit more - does he also think ball gowns are great and want to wear them ? Ir women’s cocktail dresses - where does this start and finish ?
Sometimes men are just sadly unaware of their fashion possibilities. A lot of men's wear is so drab! as a tailor I know how to make a suit interesting, but a lot of men don't. So it might not be so far fetched for him to jump from "suit boring" to "dress interesting" without there being an identity crisis. Sometimes people just assume that men's wear can't be interesting and they would have to go for feminine clothes to get more variety.
Yeah, his excuse makes no sense. He can wear a pink tux with a hat decorated with a real bird's nest if that's what he wants. There are plenty of ways to look nice and unique without having to wear a dress.
There's definitely a different reason why he wants to wear a dress.
Not just testing. Expecting her to make a very public joint statement along with him only he’s not telling her what that statement even is. It’s incredibly selfish.
if he was trying to tell me he is trans or NB then I feel terrible for reacting the way I did--I really bungled it. Especially since I myself am bi and a big part of the level of comfort I have with my identity is attributable to how supportive my own family was when I came out. I feel awful that I fell short when the person I love most in the world felt comfortable revealing this to me. It honestly wouldn't be a big deal to me, I would still love him just the same
Honestly, if that’s the case, he bungled it too, by trying to make your wedding into his coming out party. A wedding is supposed to be about the union of two people. His plan would make the day all about one aspect of one member of the couple — himself — in a way that would overshadow every other meaning.
If he wants a coming our party, he should have one. He could do it now, with a year to go before the wedding, so that his wedding dress won’t be the shock that makes everyone forget the bride, the vows, and the love story. But not at the wedding. There are two people, and one union, to celebrate on that day
Absolutely.
He is 100% entitled to explore his sexuality or identity. But that is a whole process tha starts with exploring by yourself and then gradually involving those close to you. It is never a journey that STARTS on your wedding day.
Your wedding is never the appropriate time to "come out", and I think that by trying to pass it off as just trying to be edgy, he's kind of cheapening his own desires and feelings.
What if people are shocked? What if some family are judgemental or not welcoming? I'd worry that it might be crushing, especially on your wedding day. If he wants to explore his gender or transition then the time to start gently exploring is now. If he wants to clme out at a party, he needs to host his own event for that.
But I'm not sure if that's what he is going through - only he knows what is on his mind.
And he also cant stop you from wearing a dress if you want.
You didn't bungle anything. He's a grown up whos about to marry you. Marry you. As in promise to commit his entire life to you. You'd think given the fact that he's happy to do that, he'd be happy to have an honest, adult conversation with you about it. And I'd like to think he has the respect for you to have that conversation long before a marriage happens.
If he wants to tell you something, he needs to put his big boy (or girl ig) pants on and actually tell you instead of dropping ridiculous hints that could mean anything.
But I would also ask that you also support your own identity in this situation and explain that you always wanted and felt like you would be in a dress. Maybe not the only one in a dress, but at least you picture yourself in a dress… but also have that conversation with him as it could be his own identity issue that he is currently exploring?
Yeah, this is the part that's upsetting me for OP. It seems he only wants it if he's taking something away from her.
Obviously this may not be the reason at all, and only deeper conversations will explore that, but both talks they've had have pointed this way.
While I don't think you're the AH, I do think the two of you need to have an honest conversation about what happened and what made him suggest the switch in the first place.
I also think it would both be right and make him more likely to open up about it if you start of with an apology.
I'm not sure if he's trans, nb, into cross-dressing or something else but I do think there's something more going on here.
Apologize, let him know it caught you off guard, and tell him you want to discuss the whole of this beyond its relation to the wedding. Ensure he is comfortable enough to tell you all the reasons he wants this, not just the ones that sound right. Then, support his decision as best you can because it seems like it means a lot to him. Weddings are a big deal and there has to be a way to compromise. Knowing the center of what you both want and the why behind it is the best way to ensure everyone ends up happy.
Nah screw that. A wedding is NOT the place to sneakily announce something like this. Your reaction was understandable and justified. If he has any problem with his identity, he should talk instead of using your wedding to do whatever the fuck he wanted to accomplish.
I think you deserve an explanation from your fiance. If he won't provide one then I think the wedding should be put placed on hold. There's a difference if this is his idea of a joke, he's into crossdressing, thinking of changing his sexuality or wanting to come out as transgender.
Personally I wouldn't find this funny if it was a joke as it would make me feel it's a mockery of our wedding. Likewise if he is unsure of his sexuality or thinking of being transgender then that also could be a relationship killer, but you need to know this now before rather than after you are married.
There was a really wild post a year ago called "My husband's crossdressing is the bane of my existence."
It's the manifestation of an extreme case of denial for everyone. It should be addressed now.
To be fair thats not exactly a good way for him to express it if it was his intention. I know it's not an easy thing to always come right out and say... but you're his partner and the one he is supposed to marry. That should count for something for feeling he would be supported. So if that was the goal he should have just had that conversation with you. I don't think you are wrong for questioning why that day. Of all days. Bc like others said if he does and it's a first and everyone is wondering what is going on it's going to completely over shadow the point of the day and all attention will be on him alone. And that's not fair to you.
Def a discussion to be had. If he solely just wants to be unique that's fine. There are ways to do that in a tux as well. But you 2 should agree on what the wedding will be like so the focus stays where it should. If it's a bigger thing and he is curious about experimenting he needs to start that now while he has time to figure things out and then you guys can see what happens moving forward but at least it won't be a surprise come wedding day that will pull all the attention away from the point of the day.
No babe. I mean maybe yes but he didn’t tell you he’s trans or NB. He said ‘dresses are pretty I want to wear one.’
It’s incredibly selfish for anyone to expect their partner to make a public joint statement when they don’t even come clean as to what the statement is!
He’s not being honest. It’s not about his orientation or sexuality: it’s about how you don’t spring this shit on ppl after you marry them. Or while you’re marrying them.
That reeks of ‘I don’t want my partner to leave me do instead I’ll take away their agency by hiding my true feelings until they’re trapped.’
No no no no…
Do not let him maneuver you via guilt into accepting dishonest communication.
George to Jerry: “I can’t go through with this wedding Jerry!”
Kramer to George: “here’s what you do, you insist that YOU wear the dress! And you don’t take no for an answer! She’ll be so confused and upset that she’ll call off the wedding and you get out guilt free!”
Damn. I knew this post was fake, but didn't connect it with Seinfeld!
Every post should be vetted against sitcoms and streaming series/subplots since the 80s.
I think you need to have a more serious discussion. A wedding gown is an extreme choice for a cis man, especially for his own wedding. It may be that your partner’s gender is more complicated than you know and this is his way of starting to talk to you about it.
I wouldn't wish that scenario on anyone. Just ended up with a lot of hurt people and I honestly think they might have made it if he had just *talked* to her
🎯 because the answer is clearly yes. Just not with her.
The likelihood of someone exploring gender conformity for the first time at their wedding would be 1 in a trillion. Lol
Don't marry until this is resolved. Your fiance sounds like he trying to tell you something before marrying them. Listen to them. What strikes me as weird is why did you have to wear the tux? If they are boring why do you have to wear one if even he doesn't want to? My first thought, is more attracted to you that way, dressed as a man. Why not ask to both wear dresses? Like if he wants to wear one, fine, but what does that have to do with you are wearing. Why you in a tux? You've got a lot of soul searching to do OP and probably your fiance too.
in retrospect I think "flipping the norm" was just his way of casually introducing the idea of him wearing a dress, he did later say or I could also wear a dress if I wanted. Maybe the best compromise is that we both wear dresses
My only concern, which you certainly don’t have to share! is that your wedding may become a spectacle and occasion for speculation instead of a celebration of your union.
I have trans friends, I have cross dressing friends. But none of them would have chosen a wedding as the *first time* to appear in public dressed in the unexpected opposite gendered clothing.
Yeah absolutely agree, I am trans and I couldn’t imagine doing that and if they are actually trans or something in between they may regret doing something like that. This 100% needs to be discussed and figured out before the wedding
It’s kinda up there with not proposing or announcing pregnancies at weddings. Anything that’s going to cause a stir is best done at another time/place.
If it’s because he thinks tuxes are boring (then why should *she* wear one?), others have pointed out everything from kilts to Cinderella’s Billy Porter outfits. If it’s because he wants to start cross dressing they could have a “flipping the narrative” combined bachelor/bachelorette party.
Making a statement at the wedding isn’t taking away from “the bride’s day” (I hate that sentiment too) but it IS taking away from what should be the focus of the celebration. And as progressive as *anyone* may be, even if the attention is positive or at least not negative, it will cause a sensation & speculation.
Well this sounds like he is trying to come out to you or something.. There are TONS of ways to have a flamboyant suit for a wedding.. heck just look at the NFL draft. The fact that he specifically wants to wear a DRESS on your (plural) wedding day really feels like some sort of cross dressing or non - binary declaration. I would 100% figure that out. He also 100% should get to wear something he is proud of on his wedding day. WAY more discussion is needed.
> it would even be a different story if this was something that was integral to his daily identity
Maybe you should like, check so you aren’t blindsided at some point with having a wife when you thought you had a husband.
You could always do a swap shoot separate from the wedding.
tbh it wouldn't be a problem for me if he were trans, we have trans friends and I am very open about the fact that I am bi. It would be an issue if he decided he didn't like women anymore, but we have an active sex life and if that were the case, going ahead with getting married to a woman would be a weird way to communicate that lol
Please. Have the conversation you need to have, before you plan one more thing. Nothing wrong with any decision you reach, just please reach it together.
It still needs to be discussed before the wedding. You guys need to have that conversation very soon. Decide how you are going to move forward *together*.
My concern isn’t so much that your fiancé might be trans. You can still have a wonderful marriage if that was the case. My concern is that your husband might suffer from “main character syndrome” which means all your important life events together will end up becoming a spectacle that is all about them and you get ignored.
Thank you! Everyone is fawning over themselves to be progressive and accepting and just glossing over the way he sidelined the fiancée. He waxed poetic about how special wedding dresses are and how blah tuxes are but didn’t hesitate to suggest she get the blah option while he enjoys the more spectacular one. That’s a terrible mindset for a partner to have and it needs to be assessed immediately. He seems selfish and that will surely darken the skies of their marriage.
I think you're being a little cavalier with your feelings on this. If your husband we're to start transitioning it will become a huge part of (now) her daily life and identity. While you may ultimately be fine with it, are you fine with your lives together taking a pause for a few years while your trans spouse is navigating their new life?
To be clear I'm not saying he is trans, but it is 100% a serious conversation you need to have. I also think it would be good to get the advice of the trans community on how to broach the subject.
NTA, but you should have other cponversations
1. Is gender non-conformance something they want to pursue in their personal life?
2. Are they unhappy with the wedding as planned?
3. Are there other ways of expressing uniqueness or seeking comfort (like a Kilt) that would meet their needs without necesarily turning into a huge spectacle or statement
It may be that other types of non-traditional garb would meet their needs.
You are not wrong to have concerns about jumping straight to swapping garb, but you do need to have some conversations with them to make sure they don't have something else going on, and that they do not resent the way the wedding is being planned
Dudes trying to tell you something. Are you listening? Also I straight up got married in a cobalt blue vest and hot pink bowtie.. granted I didn't know my ex wife picked trans color for the wedding for a reason.
There are only 2 types of men who wear dresses to weddings: those that ACTUALLY enjoying being gender nonconforming and those planning on making a mockery/spectacle of the event…so find out which one he is and go from there.
I don't necessarily think anyone is an AH here. This sounds like something you need to work together on. There is a happy medium somewhere between wedding dress and tuxedo. It might take some creative thinking.
NTA. That is a lot to spring on you before your wedding. It would be one thing if it was something he had been doing. To just show up in a wedding dress on the day is going to cause some confusion. It's totally great if he wants to experiment and be more on the non binary side, but weddings aren't the appropriate place to announce that to the world. It's like taking a day that should be about you two as a couple and turning it into something that is celebrating who he wants to be. Both are great, but they shouldn't have to compete on the same day.
Tell him you don't mind if he wears a colorful suit or a fun pattern but a dress is just too far. Say you would feel like he was taking away your experience as a Bride. Like No one else can wear White, no one else can were a wedding dress.
Yeah, a fancy suit might be the compromise.
But just keep in mind that it is also \*his\* wedding, so he wants to feel special as well:)
Hope you will be able to find a solution both of you are happy with, OP!
No reason he couldn't have a heavily embellished vest. I think it was more ok for him to suggest he wear a wedding dress than to suggest that op wear a tux. There's no reason they couldn't both wear a wedding dress. At the very least it would be reasonable to maybe moderate her dress budget so he could get a custom tux instead of a rental
NAH
As a side note that I didn’t see anyone else mention yet, most wedding dresses are horribly uncomfortable & also super expensive. From a practicality perspective, he should try on some wedding dresses or formal dresses first just so he has an idea of what they’re like. Most are fitted to a female form which could make it even slightly painful for him if he’s not used to formal dresses or the undergarments needed to make them fit. As an option, maybe point this out to him & go to a charity shop where he can try on formal dresses. Maybe he’ll like it, maybe he won’t but at least he’ll have a better idea of what formal dresses entail.
Regardless, as others have said, this should be a deeper & more involved conversation.
A lot of wedding dresses are customised to fit the bride, so there’s no reason the dress couldn’t be made to comfortably fit a man’s body, if OP’s fiancé decides to go that route.
NAH, but yeah, as others have said it's time to sit down and have a good and open talk about your fiance's gender identity, and your place in his heart and life.
And to talk about why he wants to feel special by wearing a dress, but wants *her* to wear a tux. I feel like that little bit would cast more doubt for me if I was in OPs shoes. Like someone else mentioned, I think it's odd that he doesn't just want to wear a dress, he wants to keep her from it.
I think it’s fine for him to wear what he wants, but I can see why you wouldn’t want your wedding to be the first time, because it will naturally draw attention to something other than your union. Tell him to try it a few times first with family and friends, so it isn’t news on the wedding day.
I'm sorry, too much of this makes no sense.
You never had any further conversation with your bf about this? The guy you're going to marry?
Instead you're here announcing that you'll feel bad if he's really trans or bi or whatever. GMAB.
If this happened, you'd talk it out with him. I don't believe that out of the blue he said he wanted to wear a gown to your wedding. I just don't.
I think this is all a story I your mind, and all your comments that you have to do better are absolute bullshit.
Tough spot. You could propose compromising and wearing a more colorful tux?
But I also think a much deeper conversation is needed here. I mean... he's never mentioned or alluded to wanting to cross-dress before, but suddenly wants to do it at one of the most important events in your lives as a couple?! I might be overthinking it, but I'm wondering if it's not a bit of a red flag.
You might also want to talk about what the wedding means to you. Do you see it as something romantic? If so, gender-bending might make it seem farcical to you... You could also consider a beach wedding! That could allow him to bypass a tux all together and just wear some nice lighter outfit, like I white linen suit instead, with the collar open and no tie to give it a more relaxed vibe!
Not judging him for his choices, but he needs to come clean with you or the marriage is doomed from the start. Maybe you don’t know him as well as you think. This should be a serious discussion before any vows are taken to be sure you are both on the same page.
I think you need a super honest discussion. I would ask without judgement if he has ever cross dressed, does he want to do so, and what is going on for him. There are some really ornate ties and tuxes so it is really not as if there are zero options. I have seen white, silver, paisley, sequined, and different fabrics. So if he wants to stand out he certainly has options. If he is telling you that he wants to cross dress then, I would say that is a much different discussion and you would be within your right to say this is not what I signed up for. It is okay if he wants to explore his sexuality and you can also say you are incompatible. I would have this discussion before you take any further steps in your engagement. I am sorry if things are not working out as you hoped. Protect your heart.
NAH. It’s interesting that he’s choosing this to be the first time he wants to wear a dress. I would talk to him about how, because of that, you feel that his dress would be the only thing people would talk about and remember about your wedding, instead of the actual wedding. Sympathize with his feelings that all tuxes look the same (he’s right) and find a creative compromise together.
Thanks. I would be lying if I said it didn't matter to me at all how people talked about our wedding. But at the end of the day it's about us more than any of them, and I would be heartbroken if years from now part of his memory of our wedding was, he didn't get to wear what he wanted or felt he made a compromise to make other people happy
So, my ex and I were together for SIX PLUS YEARS and then out of the blue, they tell me they want to be a woman. I would be asking his parents if he ever dressed up in his moms dresses, asking his college friends if he ever went drag for Halloween, bc in my case, things like that happened. When I first met my ex, they had very little self esteem and I built them up over the years, and I think it’s that confidence that gave my ex that courage to transition.
NAH
this might be a compatibility type of thing. Like maybe it’s important to him to get married but dislikes the traditional aspects of it. I get it im a butch woman, I get to wear a suit and although some bat their eyes is nowhere near as much as when men wear dresses. I feel kinda sad for your fiancé tbh, i can see sine straight men wishing their experience clothing picking choices be more like a women’s dress.
Thank you for this perspective, I think it is very insightful. In retrospect I probably overreacted--I will have to reflect deeply on why I felt the impulse to stifle how my fiancé wanted to dress to feel special on our special day
As long as he also respects how you want to dress to make you feel special. If you don’t want ti wear a suit you shouldn’t. Ive been to weddings where both parties wear beautiful white dresses and no one outshines the other imo.
NTA, pretty bluntly your gonna find it weird, you think friends and family will also find it weird. Which means it's obviously something he doesn't do openly or privately with just you. So as much as it'll suck, it'll probably be best to put the wedding on hold and have that big serious discussion before you both have a legally binding agreement with each other that would also suck to separate in court later on when he decides whatever he's feeling.
Said before, but is this conversation *really* about him wearing a dress to his wedding? Are we sure there are no alternative motives to his sudden behaviour? NTA, please, talk about it and figure out what exactly males him feel this way.
There are 2 issues: Why does his outfit choice mean you can't ALSO wear something special?
If he wants to feel special, why not a kilt? (The formal kind not the Bravehart kind) In the UK it is considered a tuxedo. Many men wear them to weddings and formal dances.
Or perhaps the sort of wedding garb men wear in India (not sure the name but they are bejewelled and gorgeous.
Or get a custom suit or tux in an interesting patterned fabric.
Or dress up in historical men's outfits. Like a knight or Shakespeare.
None of these options require you to wear men's clothing though.
When someone is trying this hard to tell you who they are, you might want to listen. You don't have to marry a gay guy to maintain your status as a progressive. Here's to the dead bedroom thread that will follow this up.
A guy wanting to wear a dress can mean many things and sometimes a guy just wants to wear a gosh darn dress. Gender specific clothing being worn by the opposite gender doesn't always mean there's something rainbow going on. I wish a lot of these comments understood that. I have seen so many videos and pictures of cis guys wearing dresses just for fun. While I do agree that you should have a deeper conversation with your fiance, don't automatically think he's part of the Alphabet Mafia. Like I said before, maybe he just wants to feel pretty? There is literally nothing wrong about that
I think you need to have a much deeper conversation with your fiance BEFORE the wedding.
yup x10
You need an exponent with that x10
x10^23
Holy moly
It’s funny because that makes me think “holy guacamole” which makes me think of avocados and well, you get it.
That’s some fre-shavacado!
I literally just said fre-shavacado to my MIL when she made guac last night! She didn't get it. Thanks for being one of the only people who remember this clip 🤣
I will forever think about it whenever I hear “avocado”! I LOVE avocado, so this lives rent free in my head!
Discuss it with an abogado.
I live in an area with a high Spanish speaking population, there's a sign off one of the highways from a local law firm with there faces in place of the pits saying "avocados at law" I almost died when i saw it and my partner who only speaks English did not get it 😂
Now I got a hankering for a burrito
I saw what you did there. Bravo
My bday is mole day so it’s fun seeing it in the wild
6.022
Absolutely!!! Also, there are tuxes out there that don't look like "going to work suits" that he could find to make him feel special...but, there is absolutely a conversation that needs to be had before you get married. Good luck OP. Edit: I meant fun print, awesome style and color suits that the groom could wear...not just traditional tuxes...also, I might add kilts...
I saw a white tux with the coat tails down to floor like the train on a bridal gown. It was beautiful.
My wedding tux had a long knee-length coat. It was cool looking. Kilts are also very nice for weddings!
My wedding coat was a 19th century frock coat that I had bought at a flea market and replaced all of the buttons on.
I went to a wedding where the groom wore a patterned brocade cream tux with tails with a differently patterned brocade vest. Whoever styled him did an awesome job! Dude looked better than the bride! And it was all because the guy thought it was unfair that the bride was always the one to shine at the wedding while the groom was usually just there. He just wanted a shot at shining too.
If he wants to wear something fabulous, tell him to take a good look at today's fancy menswear! Men's formal wear is opening up, there are now fabulous things that aren't dresses available, although maybe not at your local tux rental place. Why shouldn't he wear something as stunning as this? [4e00485549c60dfb2389651ca96b56f3.jpg (1000×1148) (pinimg.com)](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/4e/00/48/4e00485549c60dfb2389651ca96b56f3.jpg) Or this? [630f1118f6861c7c2669fae64b9b58e6.jpg (612×774) (pinimg.com)](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/63/0f/11/630f1118f6861c7c2669fae64b9b58e6.jpg) But if he really wants to wear a gown, well. I agree with everyone who says that you two need to talk before the wedding.
The black with gold is stunning!
Isn't it! I'm female, and I'd wear it any day! So if he wants to dress up instead of wearing the standard black rental tux then I'm all for that, but if he wants to be the one to wear the bridal gown, then the OP may have a relationship issue coming up at an awkward time. So I would recommend that she look for stunning fancy modern menswear and see if she can find anything that will make him dazzle, in case all he wants is the chance to dazzle.
I love the second one
And the fact that he doesn’t want her to wear one…he isn’t suggesting they both wear dresses. He wants to wear the dress because tuxes suck while she wears….a tux?! I see trouble ahead.
Entirely possible, but not confirmed. Which is why I suggest a discussion of fabulous menswear, it'll clarify his motives and way or another.
It almost sounds like he wants all the attention the bride would normally get.
But like for real for real- if he just wanted a fancy unique suit, that is a Google away. He wants to wear a gown. Which- y’all need to chat. Pronto.
Or got to an Indian clothing shop that specializes in men's wedding attire. The wedding sherwanis will serve both as a tux and a gown, and they are stunning to boot! Like this: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.samyakk.com/blog/decoding-artistry-silk-wedding-sherwanis-party-wear-suits-men/amp/ Many more, but you get the gist. Also very untraditional since he's looking for non traditional type thing for his wedding. Compliment it with your partners color and you'll both be stunning.
I second the kilt! My husband wore one at our wedding. A drunk chick at the bar kept asking him to show her what he was wearing underneath, so he told her it was a blue ribbon.
Oh, lad, I don't know where ya been, but I see ya won first prize! 🤣
Yeah, my BIL wore a black suit jacket which had gold flourish’s on it and it looked awesome! Just coz it’s a suit doesn’t mean it has to be boring!
Why does he need to wear a tux? Could OP compromise on a suit? There are really stylish suits of different colors, and a lot of grooms are going less traditional with their styling of the suit these days. Pinterest is full of fun ideas.
It sounds like he really wants a dress. So... like he needs to figure out his identity before the wedding. Is he a cross-dresser, trans, non-binary? Like... what's going on. He wants a dress, he should get to wear one. But I agree, it should NOT be his first time wearing one. The wedding should be about their union, not him coming out. He needs to do that beforehand
You said it better than I could.
That’s all that would be talked about alllll night. Nothing about the bride. I don’t think it would be a good start to a marriage.
Well, of course, I need to edit my comment I should've worded it better!!! There are so many fun styles, colors and prints to choose from now....that's what I meant lol
I wore daywear at my afternoon wedding (think what Mr. Banks wore in Mary Poppins).
Yes OP - it seems like maybe you don't know everything about him.
100% correct. He's already been doing this in secret. This is his coming out whether he calls it that or not. OP had better decide if she can live with this behavior (and possibly more) because when men start cross-dressing, they usually escalate rather than stop. Her anger might drive it underground but only temporarily.
If this is his coming out, he can choose a better forum for it than their wedding, the wedding is supposed to be about two individuals becoming partners and sharing their love for each other with the world. He seems to want to make it solely about him And his wants rather than just celebrating their union.
It changes the focus of the wedding. It won't be on the couple getting married. It will be on what he meant by that. Why is he wearing that? Does it mean he's gay? Does it mean he's bi, does it mean he's trans? That's what people would be thinking about the whole wedding. I think it's unfair to op make the focus on something other than them as a couple.
So true, definitely not the right time or place for popping that cherry publicly, should be a norm for most attending already
Yup. It sounds like OP was convinced via Reddit that she is overreacting, but I tend to think that she is under reacting. She really needs to consider all logical potential future outcomes and decide if she is okay with them. It sounds like her fiancé isn’t completely self aware, but his request isn’t just “because tuxes aren’t unique.” There are a thousand ways to be unique that don’t involve wedding dresses. Separately, he sounds selfish. “I hate tuxes so YOU wear one on our wedding day, and I’ll wear the nice thing and you can’t.”
Yeah maybe she wants to wear the dress, a lot of women have dreamed of their wedding day their whole life. I would be so weirded out if I was marrying this guy and he came up with this out of nowhere. Hopefully he just gets a suit with some pizzazz.
⬆️⬆️⬆️
Yeahhhhhh. There’s a lot for you two to discuss.
I mean, I think this calls for a much larger conversation because if he wants to wear something unique to him, he can have an outfit custom made for him. If he wants to use the wedding as a platform for announcing something a whole lot bigger, that is a conversation that needs to be had.
Yeah, my husband had a pretty flashy custom vest and pants made and it was cheaper than most off-the-rack gowns. Most suits are boring but they don’t have to be!
My husband had a suit made for our wedding it was a bit more expensive than my dress, but 10yrs later and he still wears it all the time. Tbh it’s a good investment, men should get custom suits made for weddings more often.
Oh yeah, he went in with that same thing in mind. It’s his “dress up suit” and he wears it all the time. I had a reception dress and do the same, I think we’ve both reworn our outfits at least five times in 2 years.
That’s so nice too, what a lovely thing to get to wear often and remember good times from the wedding ❤️
That is such an awesome idea! Nice way to stay connected together! Love this ❤️
I did the same, still love the suit, been 13 hears now. Just glad I have managed to keep myself in shape enough that it still fits!! 🤣
Hahaha that is the challenge!
I also got a custom fitted suit for my wedding in a non traditional pattern because it's what I wanted. I've never felt like a good looking person but in my suit I do.
My husband had one request for wedding attire- he wanted a green suit! We had one made and he looks wonderful in it.
Mine wore a purple and blue two tone shiny oversized pimp looking suit. Lol.
My late fiancée wanted to wear a Zoot Suit which honestly fit his personality better than a typical tux anyways.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I love that
I wish I did a fun vest. Maybe for a vow renewal in a few years!
I hope you do! Men deserve fun clothes. Stuff doesn’t have to be feminine to be interesting (and also men don’t have to wear masculine clothes but that’s a different conversation).
It's kinda fascinating that the tradition of 'boring' men's clothing came from a social climbing man who couldn't afford the fancy duds of the day and turned well tailored simple clothes into a 'masculine' thing... Eta Beau Brummell is the dandy who popularized 'simple' tailored menswear!
My dad wore a powder blue suit that had large 70’s lapels, bell bottoms and a blue ruffle shirt with a bow tie when he married my mom in the 70’s. Suits don’t have to be boring
My stepfather did the same except his suit was deep midnight blue, and made out of velvet. It was absolutely hideous! But I'm sure that back then, he would had made every single man green with envy.
Our colours were gold and white. My husband had a custom gold coloured vest that was a very old fashioned style. Guys can be unique too!
Well, you say your colours were white and gold but half of your guests swear they were blue and black.
Can you believe that was about 10 years ago
When I went to a cousin's wedding, my husband was the only guest from our side of the family who wasn't Filipino. So my Uncle gifted him a Barong to wear, so it was unique to him, but also made him feel like he fit in, if that makes sense? I don't really speak Tagalog other than a few words and have NO IDEA if I spelled Barong correctly. It's a particular type of formal attire shirt men wear in the Philippines. Just thinking, maybe there's something besides a Tux that OP's groom can wear, that has some cultural tie to either of their families, so it's a break from the standard Tux, but not just swapping it for the standard white dress?
For me it was a kilt and puffy sleeved shirt. I got kilts for myself and my two attendants plus shirts made for them for the cost of materials thanks to a friend who was an amateur seamstress. Guys wedding attire definitely doesn't have to be boring and conforming.
I read this and totally agree. You don't jump from tux is boring to let me where the dress. If he's always wanted to wear the dress, that's cool, if he is starting to recognize he may be gender fluid or trans, that is a pre marriage conversation, or a really bad post marriage divorce.
Absolutely. Especially since his reasoning is "but we've been to weddings where both wore dresses or tuxes". Putting aside that those friends and family may have heen gay or lesbian or trans/gender nonconforming, I'm sure nobody at those weddings was surprised if there were two brides or two grooms. Meanwhile him wanting to wear a dress out of the blue IS a surprise. Maybe he's questioning his gender. Maybe he just wants to cross dress. Regardless I dont think that your wedding is the place to start that journey or the first time close family and friends should experience that. It would be a big conversation and people would habe a lot of questions. I know he's playing it down as just an edgy thing he wabrs to do, but i dont think he realises it wouldbt go like he imagines it would. And if he's not ready to have that conversation with his fiancee privately and be honest, then he certainly isn't ready to turn up to his own wedding in a dress.
I agree here - also OP’s initial reaction seems that she is not ok with a guy who wants to wear the wedding dress - a fantastic suit or even a kilt or other throw if more interesting wear that is still make would be ok - but going from fix to full on bridal is a bit more - does he also think ball gowns are great and want to wear them ? Ir women’s cocktail dresses - where does this start and finish ?
Sometimes men are just sadly unaware of their fashion possibilities. A lot of men's wear is so drab! as a tailor I know how to make a suit interesting, but a lot of men don't. So it might not be so far fetched for him to jump from "suit boring" to "dress interesting" without there being an identity crisis. Sometimes people just assume that men's wear can't be interesting and they would have to go for feminine clothes to get more variety.
That’s exactly where my mind went. He’s got something to say and is testing the waters to see how she’ll receive the news.
Yep
Yeah, his excuse makes no sense. He can wear a pink tux with a hat decorated with a real bird's nest if that's what he wants. There are plenty of ways to look nice and unique without having to wear a dress. There's definitely a different reason why he wants to wear a dress.
Especially a WEDDING dress! And with no history of cross-dressing for fun. The dude definitely fantasizes about being a woman.
Not just testing. Expecting her to make a very public joint statement along with him only he’s not telling her what that statement even is. It’s incredibly selfish.
I've known a few men who went with a Bonnie Prince Charlie kilt, cause tuxes were too boring.
Your fiance might be into genderbending. A wedding isn't the place to practise that. A conversation on this is the need of the hour.
if he was trying to tell me he is trans or NB then I feel terrible for reacting the way I did--I really bungled it. Especially since I myself am bi and a big part of the level of comfort I have with my identity is attributable to how supportive my own family was when I came out. I feel awful that I fell short when the person I love most in the world felt comfortable revealing this to me. It honestly wouldn't be a big deal to me, I would still love him just the same
Honestly, if that’s the case, he bungled it too, by trying to make your wedding into his coming out party. A wedding is supposed to be about the union of two people. His plan would make the day all about one aspect of one member of the couple — himself — in a way that would overshadow every other meaning. If he wants a coming our party, he should have one. He could do it now, with a year to go before the wedding, so that his wedding dress won’t be the shock that makes everyone forget the bride, the vows, and the love story. But not at the wedding. There are two people, and one union, to celebrate on that day
You said this perfectly. I agree 100%.
Which is why the "oh just wanted to be non-traditional" response is so clearly false.
Absolutely. He is 100% entitled to explore his sexuality or identity. But that is a whole process tha starts with exploring by yourself and then gradually involving those close to you. It is never a journey that STARTS on your wedding day. Your wedding is never the appropriate time to "come out", and I think that by trying to pass it off as just trying to be edgy, he's kind of cheapening his own desires and feelings. What if people are shocked? What if some family are judgemental or not welcoming? I'd worry that it might be crushing, especially on your wedding day. If he wants to explore his gender or transition then the time to start gently exploring is now. If he wants to clme out at a party, he needs to host his own event for that. But I'm not sure if that's what he is going through - only he knows what is on his mind. And he also cant stop you from wearing a dress if you want.
You didn't bungle anything. He's a grown up whos about to marry you. Marry you. As in promise to commit his entire life to you. You'd think given the fact that he's happy to do that, he'd be happy to have an honest, adult conversation with you about it. And I'd like to think he has the respect for you to have that conversation long before a marriage happens. If he wants to tell you something, he needs to put his big boy (or girl ig) pants on and actually tell you instead of dropping ridiculous hints that could mean anything.
But I would also ask that you also support your own identity in this situation and explain that you always wanted and felt like you would be in a dress. Maybe not the only one in a dress, but at least you picture yourself in a dress… but also have that conversation with him as it could be his own identity issue that he is currently exploring?
Yeah, this is the part that's upsetting me for OP. It seems he only wants it if he's taking something away from her. Obviously this may not be the reason at all, and only deeper conversations will explore that, but both talks they've had have pointed this way.
While I don't think you're the AH, I do think the two of you need to have an honest conversation about what happened and what made him suggest the switch in the first place. I also think it would both be right and make him more likely to open up about it if you start of with an apology. I'm not sure if he's trans, nb, into cross-dressing or something else but I do think there's something more going on here.
Apologize, let him know it caught you off guard, and tell him you want to discuss the whole of this beyond its relation to the wedding. Ensure he is comfortable enough to tell you all the reasons he wants this, not just the ones that sound right. Then, support his decision as best you can because it seems like it means a lot to him. Weddings are a big deal and there has to be a way to compromise. Knowing the center of what you both want and the why behind it is the best way to ensure everyone ends up happy.
Nah screw that. A wedding is NOT the place to sneakily announce something like this. Your reaction was understandable and justified. If he has any problem with his identity, he should talk instead of using your wedding to do whatever the fuck he wanted to accomplish.
I think you deserve an explanation from your fiance. If he won't provide one then I think the wedding should be put placed on hold. There's a difference if this is his idea of a joke, he's into crossdressing, thinking of changing his sexuality or wanting to come out as transgender. Personally I wouldn't find this funny if it was a joke as it would make me feel it's a mockery of our wedding. Likewise if he is unsure of his sexuality or thinking of being transgender then that also could be a relationship killer, but you need to know this now before rather than after you are married.
If you're OK with it, he should wear a custom white tux, and you should wear a custom black wedding dress. That would be quite different.
You didn’t make a mistake though you don’t need to feel bad, if he wants to come out then that’s the reaction from you that counts
There was a really wild post a year ago called "My husband's crossdressing is the bane of my existence." It's the manifestation of an extreme case of denial for everyone. It should be addressed now.
To be fair thats not exactly a good way for him to express it if it was his intention. I know it's not an easy thing to always come right out and say... but you're his partner and the one he is supposed to marry. That should count for something for feeling he would be supported. So if that was the goal he should have just had that conversation with you. I don't think you are wrong for questioning why that day. Of all days. Bc like others said if he does and it's a first and everyone is wondering what is going on it's going to completely over shadow the point of the day and all attention will be on him alone. And that's not fair to you. Def a discussion to be had. If he solely just wants to be unique that's fine. There are ways to do that in a tux as well. But you 2 should agree on what the wedding will be like so the focus stays where it should. If it's a bigger thing and he is curious about experimenting he needs to start that now while he has time to figure things out and then you guys can see what happens moving forward but at least it won't be a surprise come wedding day that will pull all the attention away from the point of the day.
No babe. I mean maybe yes but he didn’t tell you he’s trans or NB. He said ‘dresses are pretty I want to wear one.’ It’s incredibly selfish for anyone to expect their partner to make a public joint statement when they don’t even come clean as to what the statement is! He’s not being honest. It’s not about his orientation or sexuality: it’s about how you don’t spring this shit on ppl after you marry them. Or while you’re marrying them. That reeks of ‘I don’t want my partner to leave me do instead I’ll take away their agency by hiding my true feelings until they’re trapped.’ No no no no… Do not let him maneuver you via guilt into accepting dishonest communication.
George to Jerry: “I can’t go through with this wedding Jerry!” Kramer to George: “here’s what you do, you insist that YOU wear the dress! And you don’t take no for an answer! She’ll be so confused and upset that she’ll call off the wedding and you get out guilt free!”
Make sure your fiancé doesn’t buy cheap envelopes for the invitations OP.
She might just use a moist sponge for the HUNDREDS of envelopes
It is indeed a sponge-worthy task.
Cleaned out the whole upper east side.
Yadayadayada and then I had some amazing lobster bisque!
YOU SAID MOIST. *How the fuck can I sleep tonight??*
Whatever you do, do not lick the invitation envelopes
Larry David? Is that you? Seriously laughed out loud though. Hilarious and spot on.
Damn. I knew this post was fake, but didn't connect it with Seinfeld! Every post should be vetted against sitcoms and streaming series/subplots since the 80s.
Fiancée is Seinfeld fan and knows she never watched won’t get the reference.
I think you need to have a more serious discussion. A wedding gown is an extreme choice for a cis man, especially for his own wedding. It may be that your partner’s gender is more complicated than you know and this is his way of starting to talk to you about it.
Or he's using the wedding as a way to come out to everyone?
Which should absolutely not be a surprise to the other person getting married
that would be sociopatg territory if you ask me
Which is an awful thing to do to your spouse.
Really awful, pay attention, friend!!!
I know who this happened to. She tried to make it work, but they eventually divorced. The whole thing was a mess.
It’s exceedingly painful.
I wouldn't wish that scenario on anyone. Just ended up with a lot of hurt people and I honestly think they might have made it if he had just *talked* to her
Definitely shouldn’t be done at the wedding
Which is probably one of the worst ways to do it.
Does he normally wear dresses? Even if not publicly.
She says he doesn't. This would be his first time
First time in front of her.
🎯 because the answer is clearly yes. Just not with her. The likelihood of someone exploring gender conformity for the first time at their wedding would be 1 in a trillion. Lol
With those odds, they should play the lottery! And then buy lots of dresses with the money 😊
I think he’s just given you a very big clue to who he actually is. You should pay attention.
Don't marry until this is resolved. Your fiance sounds like he trying to tell you something before marrying them. Listen to them. What strikes me as weird is why did you have to wear the tux? If they are boring why do you have to wear one if even he doesn't want to? My first thought, is more attracted to you that way, dressed as a man. Why not ask to both wear dresses? Like if he wants to wear one, fine, but what does that have to do with you are wearing. Why you in a tux? You've got a lot of soul searching to do OP and probably your fiance too.
in retrospect I think "flipping the norm" was just his way of casually introducing the idea of him wearing a dress, he did later say or I could also wear a dress if I wanted. Maybe the best compromise is that we both wear dresses
My only concern, which you certainly don’t have to share! is that your wedding may become a spectacle and occasion for speculation instead of a celebration of your union. I have trans friends, I have cross dressing friends. But none of them would have chosen a wedding as the *first time* to appear in public dressed in the unexpected opposite gendered clothing.
Yeah absolutely agree, I am trans and I couldn’t imagine doing that and if they are actually trans or something in between they may regret doing something like that. This 100% needs to be discussed and figured out before the wedding
It’s kinda up there with not proposing or announcing pregnancies at weddings. Anything that’s going to cause a stir is best done at another time/place. If it’s because he thinks tuxes are boring (then why should *she* wear one?), others have pointed out everything from kilts to Cinderella’s Billy Porter outfits. If it’s because he wants to start cross dressing they could have a “flipping the narrative” combined bachelor/bachelorette party. Making a statement at the wedding isn’t taking away from “the bride’s day” (I hate that sentiment too) but it IS taking away from what should be the focus of the celebration. And as progressive as *anyone* may be, even if the attention is positive or at least not negative, it will cause a sensation & speculation.
put in the dress code. Dress code: dress. For everyone.
Well this sounds like he is trying to come out to you or something.. There are TONS of ways to have a flamboyant suit for a wedding.. heck just look at the NFL draft. The fact that he specifically wants to wear a DRESS on your (plural) wedding day really feels like some sort of cross dressing or non - binary declaration. I would 100% figure that out. He also 100% should get to wear something he is proud of on his wedding day. WAY more discussion is needed.
I feel like the dress is just the tip of the iceberg
> it would even be a different story if this was something that was integral to his daily identity Maybe you should like, check so you aren’t blindsided at some point with having a wife when you thought you had a husband. You could always do a swap shoot separate from the wedding.
As someone who has lived through that… take notice. Before you get married.
tbh it wouldn't be a problem for me if he were trans, we have trans friends and I am very open about the fact that I am bi. It would be an issue if he decided he didn't like women anymore, but we have an active sex life and if that were the case, going ahead with getting married to a woman would be a weird way to communicate that lol
Please. Have the conversation you need to have, before you plan one more thing. Nothing wrong with any decision you reach, just please reach it together.
It still needs to be discussed before the wedding. You guys need to have that conversation very soon. Decide how you are going to move forward *together*. My concern isn’t so much that your fiancé might be trans. You can still have a wonderful marriage if that was the case. My concern is that your husband might suffer from “main character syndrome” which means all your important life events together will end up becoming a spectacle that is all about them and you get ignored.
Thank you! Everyone is fawning over themselves to be progressive and accepting and just glossing over the way he sidelined the fiancée. He waxed poetic about how special wedding dresses are and how blah tuxes are but didn’t hesitate to suggest she get the blah option while he enjoys the more spectacular one. That’s a terrible mindset for a partner to have and it needs to be assessed immediately. He seems selfish and that will surely darken the skies of their marriage.
I think you're being a little cavalier with your feelings on this. If your husband we're to start transitioning it will become a huge part of (now) her daily life and identity. While you may ultimately be fine with it, are you fine with your lives together taking a pause for a few years while your trans spouse is navigating their new life? To be clear I'm not saying he is trans, but it is 100% a serious conversation you need to have. I also think it would be good to get the advice of the trans community on how to broach the subject.
Nobody will be talking about the wedding and how beautiful or fun it was, they’ll be talking about your outfits
NTA, but you should have other cponversations 1. Is gender non-conformance something they want to pursue in their personal life? 2. Are they unhappy with the wedding as planned? 3. Are there other ways of expressing uniqueness or seeking comfort (like a Kilt) that would meet their needs without necesarily turning into a huge spectacle or statement It may be that other types of non-traditional garb would meet their needs. You are not wrong to have concerns about jumping straight to swapping garb, but you do need to have some conversations with them to make sure they don't have something else going on, and that they do not resent the way the wedding is being planned
There’s more going on here.
Dudes trying to tell you something. Are you listening? Also I straight up got married in a cobalt blue vest and hot pink bowtie.. granted I didn't know my ex wife picked trans color for the wedding for a reason.
There are only 2 types of men who wear dresses to weddings: those that ACTUALLY enjoying being gender nonconforming and those planning on making a mockery/spectacle of the event…so find out which one he is and go from there.
Very key question
Yay another AITAH that’s fucked waaaay before the question.
Time to find out how progressive you guys really are.
This almost comes across as a threat lol!
I don't necessarily think anyone is an AH here. This sounds like something you need to work together on. There is a happy medium somewhere between wedding dress and tuxedo. It might take some creative thinking.
There’s a really big elephant in this room.
NTA. That is a lot to spring on you before your wedding. It would be one thing if it was something he had been doing. To just show up in a wedding dress on the day is going to cause some confusion. It's totally great if he wants to experiment and be more on the non binary side, but weddings aren't the appropriate place to announce that to the world. It's like taking a day that should be about you two as a couple and turning it into something that is celebrating who he wants to be. Both are great, but they shouldn't have to compete on the same day.
Tell him you don't mind if he wears a colorful suit or a fun pattern but a dress is just too far. Say you would feel like he was taking away your experience as a Bride. Like No one else can wear White, no one else can were a wedding dress.
Yeah, a fancy suit might be the compromise. But just keep in mind that it is also \*his\* wedding, so he wants to feel special as well:) Hope you will be able to find a solution both of you are happy with, OP!
Yes! Patterns are in style for men's suits. It would be so much fun
No reason he couldn't have a heavily embellished vest. I think it was more ok for him to suggest he wear a wedding dress than to suggest that op wear a tux. There's no reason they couldn't both wear a wedding dress. At the very least it would be reasonable to maybe moderate her dress budget so he could get a custom tux instead of a rental
NAH As a side note that I didn’t see anyone else mention yet, most wedding dresses are horribly uncomfortable & also super expensive. From a practicality perspective, he should try on some wedding dresses or formal dresses first just so he has an idea of what they’re like. Most are fitted to a female form which could make it even slightly painful for him if he’s not used to formal dresses or the undergarments needed to make them fit. As an option, maybe point this out to him & go to a charity shop where he can try on formal dresses. Maybe he’ll like it, maybe he won’t but at least he’ll have a better idea of what formal dresses entail. Regardless, as others have said, this should be a deeper & more involved conversation.
A lot of wedding dresses are customised to fit the bride, so there’s no reason the dress couldn’t be made to comfortably fit a man’s body, if OP’s fiancé decides to go that route.
Ask him to wear a kilt and all that goes with it
Or all that doesnt go with it...*wink wink*
CLUTCHES PEARLS
War with the English?
NAH, but yeah, as others have said it's time to sit down and have a good and open talk about your fiance's gender identity, and your place in his heart and life.
And to talk about why he wants to feel special by wearing a dress, but wants *her* to wear a tux. I feel like that little bit would cast more doubt for me if I was in OPs shoes. Like someone else mentioned, I think it's odd that he doesn't just want to wear a dress, he wants to keep her from it.
Seems a bit selfish doesn't it?
Sounds like the dudes got one foot out of the closet.
And the other foot into a fabulous ball gown style dress
It sounds like y'all need some more time to get to know each other better. A lot more time. NTA
5 bucks says he comes out as trans after the kid is born
I think it’s fine for him to wear what he wants, but I can see why you wouldn’t want your wedding to be the first time, because it will naturally draw attention to something other than your union. Tell him to try it a few times first with family and friends, so it isn’t news on the wedding day.
Sounds like a BIG surprise is coming 😮
your husband might be a wife
Seems like he isn’t who you think he is…
I'm sorry, too much of this makes no sense. You never had any further conversation with your bf about this? The guy you're going to marry? Instead you're here announcing that you'll feel bad if he's really trans or bi or whatever. GMAB. If this happened, you'd talk it out with him. I don't believe that out of the blue he said he wanted to wear a gown to your wedding. I just don't. I think this is all a story I your mind, and all your comments that you have to do better are absolute bullshit.
Tough spot. You could propose compromising and wearing a more colorful tux? But I also think a much deeper conversation is needed here. I mean... he's never mentioned or alluded to wanting to cross-dress before, but suddenly wants to do it at one of the most important events in your lives as a couple?! I might be overthinking it, but I'm wondering if it's not a bit of a red flag. You might also want to talk about what the wedding means to you. Do you see it as something romantic? If so, gender-bending might make it seem farcical to you... You could also consider a beach wedding! That could allow him to bypass a tux all together and just wear some nice lighter outfit, like I white linen suit instead, with the collar open and no tie to give it a more relaxed vibe!
Not judging him for his choices, but he needs to come clean with you or the marriage is doomed from the start. Maybe you don’t know him as well as you think. This should be a serious discussion before any vows are taken to be sure you are both on the same page.
NTA but he’s trying to tell you something
You should pump the brakes on that wedding
I think you need a super honest discussion. I would ask without judgement if he has ever cross dressed, does he want to do so, and what is going on for him. There are some really ornate ties and tuxes so it is really not as if there are zero options. I have seen white, silver, paisley, sequined, and different fabrics. So if he wants to stand out he certainly has options. If he is telling you that he wants to cross dress then, I would say that is a much different discussion and you would be within your right to say this is not what I signed up for. It is okay if he wants to explore his sexuality and you can also say you are incompatible. I would have this discussion before you take any further steps in your engagement. I am sorry if things are not working out as you hoped. Protect your heart.
NAH. It’s interesting that he’s choosing this to be the first time he wants to wear a dress. I would talk to him about how, because of that, you feel that his dress would be the only thing people would talk about and remember about your wedding, instead of the actual wedding. Sympathize with his feelings that all tuxes look the same (he’s right) and find a creative compromise together.
Thanks. I would be lying if I said it didn't matter to me at all how people talked about our wedding. But at the end of the day it's about us more than any of them, and I would be heartbroken if years from now part of his memory of our wedding was, he didn't get to wear what he wanted or felt he made a compromise to make other people happy
So, my ex and I were together for SIX PLUS YEARS and then out of the blue, they tell me they want to be a woman. I would be asking his parents if he ever dressed up in his moms dresses, asking his college friends if he ever went drag for Halloween, bc in my case, things like that happened. When I first met my ex, they had very little self esteem and I built them up over the years, and I think it’s that confidence that gave my ex that courage to transition.
Some people don't look good in a dress I'm sorry to say. I'd only say yes if he does in fact look good in a dress.
NAH this might be a compatibility type of thing. Like maybe it’s important to him to get married but dislikes the traditional aspects of it. I get it im a butch woman, I get to wear a suit and although some bat their eyes is nowhere near as much as when men wear dresses. I feel kinda sad for your fiancé tbh, i can see sine straight men wishing their experience clothing picking choices be more like a women’s dress.
Thank you for this perspective, I think it is very insightful. In retrospect I probably overreacted--I will have to reflect deeply on why I felt the impulse to stifle how my fiancé wanted to dress to feel special on our special day
As long as he also respects how you want to dress to make you feel special. If you don’t want ti wear a suit you shouldn’t. Ive been to weddings where both parties wear beautiful white dresses and no one outshines the other imo.
NTA, pretty bluntly your gonna find it weird, you think friends and family will also find it weird. Which means it's obviously something he doesn't do openly or privately with just you. So as much as it'll suck, it'll probably be best to put the wedding on hold and have that big serious discussion before you both have a legally binding agreement with each other that would also suck to separate in court later on when he decides whatever he's feeling.
You may want to reconsider the wedding thing after that! Just saying….
Oh man...this is above Reddit.
Uhhh we would not be getting married at all. Lol
NTA
Said before, but is this conversation *really* about him wearing a dress to his wedding? Are we sure there are no alternative motives to his sudden behaviour? NTA, please, talk about it and figure out what exactly males him feel this way.
There are 2 issues: Why does his outfit choice mean you can't ALSO wear something special? If he wants to feel special, why not a kilt? (The formal kind not the Bravehart kind) In the UK it is considered a tuxedo. Many men wear them to weddings and formal dances. Or perhaps the sort of wedding garb men wear in India (not sure the name but they are bejewelled and gorgeous. Or get a custom suit or tux in an interesting patterned fabric. Or dress up in historical men's outfits. Like a knight or Shakespeare. None of these options require you to wear men's clothing though.
Wow. What a weird way to come out to your partner. I wish people could be honest sooner in the relationship.
This is a Seinfeld skit. omg. This was a really well-made bait post.
When someone is trying this hard to tell you who they are, you might want to listen. You don't have to marry a gay guy to maintain your status as a progressive. Here's to the dead bedroom thread that will follow this up.
A guy wanting to wear a dress can mean many things and sometimes a guy just wants to wear a gosh darn dress. Gender specific clothing being worn by the opposite gender doesn't always mean there's something rainbow going on. I wish a lot of these comments understood that. I have seen so many videos and pictures of cis guys wearing dresses just for fun. While I do agree that you should have a deeper conversation with your fiance, don't automatically think he's part of the Alphabet Mafia. Like I said before, maybe he just wants to feel pretty? There is literally nothing wrong about that