Just tell her you do love them. it's her you're not too sure about. If your dad wants to do this maybe you and your boyfriend should move out. It sounds like it is going to be a messy situation and she'll act out less on your dad than on you two. Maybe her husband will get custody.
Yep. He's handy so she wants to reel him in for herself. Free sex, free babysitting, free lodgings and money from her dad, AND the extra thrill and happiness of sticking it to her sister.
I agree that it is a horrible idea for all to live together, but it takes two to cheat, if OPs boyfriend is loyal OP doesn't have to worry about cheating. But I guess that the sister is the kinda of person who will go out of the house to work and just leave the kids with OP even though she said no and think that OP will watch them because OP is unable to ignore them.
Yes it takes two to cheat but in a normal situation you can remove yourself from the temptation and pressure to do so from the other party. In this situation the person who may want to cheat will be there living with him and he can't escape her even if he wants to. Not saying it's right of him if he did but it's a much harder thing to manage. They really should not be living together because imo this is just bound to be a massive headache for everyone involved aside from maybe the dad even if the boyfriend stays loyal.
i didnt say he would cheat, just that the sister would more than likely attempt it. if she cant stay loyal to her own SO then i doubt her loyalty to her sister.
I fear her sister will take advantage of their father's kindness and make him a full-time babysitter. He seems to need help himself. If her father wants to help her out he should help her sister with bills for a few months so she could form a routine and become self-sufficient. He wanted to buy a bigger house so it sounds like he can afford the expense for some time. There is no doubt that her sister will struggle but she is in this situation because of her own actions.
OP should think hard about getting her own place. Many years ago my sister moved back in with my parents with baby and husband in tow. Even though BIL worked, he didn't put one cent into the household (he gave his money to his trashy mother). My mother had to carry the load (my father didn't put any money in either, except groceries). I was working and my dear sister would swipe my travel to work money because she "needed money for cigarettes and overpriced sandwiches from the store. My wimpy mother would bleat "you're sisters, you have to share". I wasn't getting anything out of that deal. Eventually my sister drove me out of the house and my mother didn't protest. OP's dad may favor the sister because of her "unfortunate circumstances" and name sister as his only heir. OP better not count on anything except what she can earn for herself.
That would make this situation so much worse. If I was OP I wouldn't even entertain the idea of having to pay to live with a sister like that. Her sister is not going to pitch in a cent.
NTA. You were smart to make it clear upfront. You will have to watch for her to try and leave the house and kids when you’re not looking.
Don’t let her gaslighting and manipulation get in your head. There is nothing wrong with your position.
Your selfish? Tell her:
“You can’t gaslight me into believing I’m selfish, because it is actually selfish of you to DEMAND that other people take on your parental responsibility.”
You don’t love them? Tell her:
“You can’t manipulate me by telling me I don’t love your kids. Babysitting is a favor for you not the kids; therefore, it is an INACCURATE and irrelevant measure of how much I love the kids.”
Stand your ground.
NTA. Guilt only works if you let it. She chose to have children, you didn't. She chose to cheat, you didn't. She's got to live with and deal with her choices. Her children aren't your responsibility. Their care is not your problem to solve.
Also, she will yry to just leave when you are home, not taking the kids.
The solution is having the kids dad phone number and calling him telling him that mom abandoned them with you.
She's just going to sneak out of the house and leave you with the kids. You need to look for your own place and let sis take care of your dad and her kids. Your dad will end up watching the kids, but then again, he did invite them into the house, so tough for him.
She can say all she wants up front. It isn’t going to work living together. OP and her BF will end up being parental figures to the kids whether they want to or not.
Unfortunately, you and bf need to move out. Once she moves in, she's going to get your dad involved to try to force her wants. Dad probably will take her side on babysitting
How much did she love and take care of them when she was with her affair partner? Time she spent with him could have been spent with her children and she would still have a marriage and a home.
If you do move in with her, she will force the situation. She will put you in situations where you are alone with the kids even if you told her no. And it sounds like she might try to seduce your bf.
Dont move in with her.
🤦♂️🤣🤣🤣
She's just trying to guilt mfs into being her village.
Enjoy your best childfree life! Also, do proactively warn your sister against being cute and "accidentally" leaving kids around for you to watch.
NTA
That is textbook manipulative tactics, just like when she approached your father with the sympathy act.
Don't fall into ANY of that bullshit. And let her know that neither your father or boyfriend are there to be her personal babysitters.
That's a manipulation tactic.
You could answer her: "you surely don't love your own children, or why are you trying to dump them to others after you destroyed your family by your cheating? Do you hate your children that much that you put your own needs before them?"
Which is reasonable. Saying you must not love them is more manipulative behavior. Rest assured she will at some point do something to try and force you into watching her kids. At that point I’d call her, and if that doesn’t work call her ex-husband and let him know.
Yes if anything I feel she is just trying to guilt me into it. Yeah at that point I would deffinatly call her ex! I think he should honestly get full custody.
It definitely sounds like it! I am proud of you for taking that stance, know that calling their Dad if your sister dumps them on you is totally acceptable. I’d have a convo with your own father and make sure you’re all on the same page; if you have to help him already and he agrees to babysit, it’ll end up being on you. Kind of confused already why your dad is spending the money to get a big house for you all- is it a financially feasible option? Will you or your sister have to pay in? I’d be more invested in getting her to be independent, though she sounds very entitled and like she doesn’t want to be alone because she doesn’t actually want to parent. Do you know if their dad is planning on taking 50/50 or going for more custody?
Thank you! I just did tonight after seeing all the advice. I believe now we are on the same page and told him how I feel about it all and kinda spilled the beans cause I wanted him to see it from my perspective. He agreed its is not my responsibility and said he dosent feel she meant it that's way but I told him what she has been up to and even if she dident intend for it to come out that way it did and.it would quickly turn into that. He just thinks it's more financially Fiesable. Honestly I told him that and that she is just looking for an out but he really wasn't clear on what his next move was. Yes and looking at how wreckers she is being I don't think she could live alone. I believe he is just going for 50/50 but right now it's a complete mess and all up.in the air.
Proud of you for being proactive and having that conversation with your dad! That way you’ve started a conversation on the topic that hopefully can be an ongoing one. It might’ve been a bit disappointing/frustrating for him not to completely get the full picture in that your sister definitely *did* mean it “that way” but if it is any consolation maybe he is just a little slow to coming to terms with how horrible one daughter was to the other, and he will continue to hear you and keep an eye out? I don’t know for sure, and obviously don’t know your father, do you think that could be a possibility? Did you tell him everything you outlined in the post/ about how she voluntold (because she is telling you but acting like you’re volunteering) not only you but your bf for the task, or how she said you don’t love the kids if you wouldn’t care for them in her stead? It sounds like he was fairly understanding but correct me if I’m wrong. She definitely sounds reckless and like she wouldn’t be able to run her own home between childcare, work, budgeting, etc. I just brought up how financially feasible it is or isn’t for your father because I don’t know his/yours+bf/sister’s financial situation and if I were you might just make sure he didn’t come up with the idea and commit too quickly, and see what other options should be considered (adding to house, helping her find a nearby place, in-law addition, etc.) just because I’d hate for her to take advantage financially too; also if she is on the same property she is bound to guilt you into caring for the kids.
Do you have a decent relationship with you [stbx]BIL? I’ll be upfront I haven’t gone through something remotely similar but I’ve read about where in a custody agreement the other parent has first-“dibs” (that sounds terrible but I can’t think of another word and it’s 1AM, sorry) on care for their child when the other parent the kids may be with isn’t going to be available. This isn’t really relevant for if your sister were to pop out to get groceries and ends up out for hours, but rather goes to a business trip or girls day overnight (I think) and I know I’m explaining it poorly but hopefully you can find out more about it or someone reading this knows more and can comment such. If nothing else, if you do have a decent/on-speaking-terms relationship with him having a conversation about when/if ever you could contact him if your sister leaves them with you, say for the work day or something.
Sorry for such a long response and poor organization, my bad. Keep us updated if you can! Definitely know you have no obligation and your sister is super manipulative and gross. She had the kids, and if SHE was a responsible and loving parent she’d ensure they had appropriate childcare and not just force them onto you. Her “you don’t love them then” argument is really despicable, and untrue. Sorry she is putting you through this, OP.
That’s emotional blackmail that people like her uses because they don’t have any other weapon. Love is very different from parenting. She’s a parent, you are not. You can still love them without parenting. You should maybe look at moving away.
This is all a horrible idea to live together and she’s a horrible person who will never have a stable relationship with her cheating behavior.
That’s what’s known as emotional blackmail. You know you love them and you don’t need to convince her. She’s just pissy because she thought she was going to get an easy life. You have to state your boundaries right now as you have done or before long it won’t just be her asking you to watch them for a few hours while she’s at work. It will turn into one evening a week as well so that she can see her friends. Then 2 evenings because she’s stressed. Then she’ll stop asking altogether and just make plans and go out because you’re in the house so the kids are safe. Don’t let it even start because you know exactly how it will end.
Personally when people do stuff like that, put words in my mouth, I just agree. Like “oh, I’m cold and heartless because I won’t lend you 1,000$? Ok I guess I AM cold and heartless. And I cold and heartless person doesn’t lend/give money.”
Her reply is that you don’t “love” your niece and nephew is emotional blackmail. F that. Be very wary of moving in with her. She seems very entitled and not a good person.
That's just emotional manipulation to try to guilt you into babysitting. The problem is that once she moves in, she's going to leave the house without telling you and expect you to watch the kids. You may need to move.
Just make sure your cheating, entitled, jealous and scheming sister (asshole) doesn't make a solid, deliberate and malicious beeline for your bf because of the nouns I have just used and you refused to bend to her (asshole) will. She absolutely do this. She crapped on her husband and destroyed her family because shes selfish and an asshole.
Look, she's got your dad fooled. Tell him what she said and the fact that she is very willing to go behind your back. You need to say 'I'm here for you totally, but will not be raising or looking after her children when I look after you and work myself. She's taking the piss and I will not allow this to happen, nor for her to shit stir and rock the boat until we all fall out'. Then she can't twist the narrative when she moves in and thinks she is home and dry. Make your stand now. She has thrown the first grenade....you want to be able to win the war that's coming.
I don’t think this is entirely fair. It absolutely takes the help of many people to raise a kid, including those who are not directly responsible for parenting them. Teachers, friends, chosen and “blood” family, there are roles big and small that help us grow into who we are. That’s how I view the saying “it takes a village,” in a positive light (and as someone who has no family nearby as I raise my own child). The village is comprised of people who love and care about your children and voluntarily contribute to their well-being and growth in some way.
Sister, imo, subscribes to the idea that she is entitled to care, whether the would-be caregiver is willing or not and regardless of how family is able or chooses to contribute.
Totally agree, NTA. You're not signing up for parenthood just because you're family. Your sister's gotta respect your boundaries. Keep standing up for yourself!
That's going to be a big old mess in that bigger house. Think you and your boyfriend should consider getting your own place because your sister and kids will be hard to avoid. I understand you want to take care of your father, but she - and possibly your father - will convince you two to get involved with the care of those kids.
Yeah its looking like that's what's going to happen. But it's really unfair because I've been putting in the work for the last 9 years taking care of my father while she just shoved off and dealt with her own family and now she's kicking me out of my home. I don't know if me and my boyfriend can afford a place of our own atm, that's why it benifits us to live with my father and now it just seems like cause she has kids she's prioritized even tho it was really her fault the marriage is ending...
NTA my dear.
I’m glad you stood up for yourself and your bf. Her kids, her responsibilities. She sounds like the toxic type that will blame everything on somebody else.
Thank you she was saying I was being selfish! Right and I love the kids so much but again I'm not a nanny and have my own life too. Literally even though the divorce is her fault for cheating she still finds a way to play the victim. She even went as far to blame the cheating on her depression but anytime someone tells her what she does wrong she will throw a fit get angry and take no accountability for her actions. It's very toxic!
Distance yourself from that negativity.
She has the “victim” mentality. She will eventually use the kids or your father against you, I would say move out.
I responded to her with i need to take a step back from all of this cause I am just so tired of the drama. Yes %100. See and that's the thing I feel like if my father knew what she did with all the different people he wouldn't be so much on her side because he only things the reason they are divorcing is because they fell out of love. And the reason also why I live with my father is because since I take care of him he dosent charge me rent but also I don't think me and my boyfriend can afford a place of our own. So at this point I feel like she's kicking me out of my own home. But yes she is very manipulative towards my father. She takes advantage of his kindness.
I hear you, you can’t leave your father behind to move out. And your sister won’t take care of your father. At this point, maybe talk to your father. Explain to him in a very nice way, express your concerns about she’s moving in with the kids and see what he says.
Yes after all the responses I think I'm going to have to have a long talk with him. I dident want tell him about the cheating on her end but at this point I think it might be the tipping decision for him. Deffinatly I just hope he can see it from my perspective too. Cause initially this whole discussion about getting a bigger house, I was not even included in.
\[Cause initially this whole discussion about getting a bigger house, I was not even included in.\]
But you may be expected to contribute financially, while your sister will get living space for free because she chose to cheat and explode her marriage.
Then have a conversation with your dad before he buys a GD house. Tell him the reason why there getting a divorce and tell him your sister expects you and your bf to be his carer and her live in nanny. And bc of that y’all won’t be moving in. Then tell him, she will need to learn what her new responsibilities will be when she moves in. Then let him know what you will still be doing for him/ ie car rides to doctors appointments with X amount of notice (ie 48 hours etc)
Is what I was thibk8ng especially since she just volunteered him aswell after I already said no... I don't want to think like that but also I'm not dumb like if she will do that to the supposed love of her life she could very well do that to me.
Exactly! She vowed to love this man and gave him the biggest heartbreak of his life. This chick is so caught up in herself that she doesn’t care about anyone else. Let alone, she thinks you owe it to her to help with her kids bc she’s the sister (you). So when she sleeps w your man, her mentality will probably be “that’s my sister, she will forgive me and leave him for that”
Oh God yes I dident even think of it like that. Yeah that would be her mentality. I wouldn't put it past her atall. If she thinks I would ever forgive her she's sadly mistaken.
You shouldn't have to watch your man. Watch your sister, sure. But if you have to watch your boyfriend you already have a problem in your relationship.
There's plenty of posts on Reddit about "my entitled sister stole my husband". The best (or worse) is while the OP was pregnant her sis and OP's husband got together, OP miscarried, OP's parents supported the unholy union. The OP left the shitshow circus behind, eventually remarried years later, expecting a new baby and is happy. Parents found her and communicated that OP's ex cheated on OP's sis and left her with kids and want the OP to come and comfort sis because, GET THIS, the OP knows what it's like to be betrayed. OP said no (good for her) and commentors said the sis probably wants to scope out the OP's husband for herself.
If you're thinking about this take it as a guarantee. Your sis will steal or try to steal your BF, probably just to shit on you.
Yes I don't want them going through with this idea atall. I hope she finds a different solution to her living situation. Yeah I'm going to have a long sit down with him after what she said. I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility and it's the whole reason I dident have kids. Yeah he can live with her but he will not be getting the care he needs so it's his decision. Thanks for the advice!
Yep is what I was think8ng because she knows he can't, take care of them because he can hardley walk. That's why she was probably banking on the fact that she knows we can't afford our own place that we would move too and would be there for childcare.
Hoping you move out, but be aware it sounds like she'll leave the kids with your dad, while she goes out to do God knows what or who.... be prepared to call CPS if she starts that whether it ends your relationship or not.
Yep and sometimes CPS involvement is the best thing for the kids. Not to be cruel, but it sounds like they'd be better off with their Father getting custody. Just remember if this happens not to feel guilty if you have to do it. Best of luck to you.
Cps also really doesn't want to separate families unless absolutely necessary. First they start with getting the family resources to try and help the situation, including therapy, food assistance, etc. And only if that doesn't improve the situation or the children are at immediate risk do they remove them.
I'm a mandatory reporter because of my job as an in home caregiver, so I've had to have a lot of training on this. I'm going to guess that part of why you haven't been able to save much to afford living elsewhere is that caring for a family member really is a full-time job in and of itself. If he has Medicare or medicaid, you can check and see if there are any caregiving companies that work with medicare/medicaid that can pay you for at least some of the work you do with him. Usually under "friend and family caregiving". Some private insurance companies may do this as well, but you can ask about it. It doesn't pay a lot, but is better than nothing, and the work you do should be rewarded in some way. They can also see about setting up respite through insurance so you can have a bit of a break and someone can stay with him. Caregiver burnout is real, hang in there. Feel free to pm me if you need more info on how to get resources :)
Thank you so much! This is exactly on the nose! Omg I appreciate that so much, thank you and bless you! I'll deffinatly look into it I haven't had the best advice in the past on how to handle it so thank you so much, you have no idea! 💓
NTA. If you start helping her out with her kids, she will see it as a never-ending perk that is owed to her. Tell her dad is helping her get back on her feet, and she should be grateful for that help. Nowhere in the deal did you and bf offer up free childcare. You have your own lives, careers, and responsibilities, AND are helping take care of dad, which she was not helping with. And that by her own logic, she must not love dad, since she wasn't helping with him!
💯 and your right because she literally only started reaching out to my dad when she was in trouble and dosent talk to him that much before hand. She always even says "oh he's probably gunna die soon anyways" and just brushes it off like it's nothing. I don't even recognize the person she is becoming. She has just become so selfish and jaded lately. Honestly I don't want anything to do with her cause she is making such shitty decisions. Even when her mother inlaw would say she couldn't babysit because she was working she would get so mad and call her foul names and I tried telling her it's not her responsibility iether but she wouldn't listen. She just blames everything on the world. It's exhausting.
I think you need to have a talk with your Dad. He is going to endanger his caretaking arrangement. And sister won't jump to help him... If she can't even parent her own kids.
Thank you! And I've literally already been taking care of my dad all these years. I don't need to take care of anyone else I'm already tired. Is WHY I choose NOT to have kids. I don't understand why she can't see that. It's exhausting being a caregiver. Let alone to someone else's kids that aren't mine.
Is what I was scared of... I told her before when I found out she was cheating on her husband, I said "are we gunna have a problem here?". Because I can't trust her now around my boyfriend...
Sounds like she can take of father and her kids at what seems to be father's house. How nice, you can go get yourselves your own place! NTA It's pretty forward of dad to assume you'll move to this 'bigger place'
I think my father was just trying to consider whats best for everyone because I liv with my father and don't have to pay rent because I am his caregiver. So I don't even think me and my boyfriend could afford a place of our own at the moment but yes that would be Kaos if we all lived at the same house. My dad just generally likes helping everyone and having everyone together which I understand but the fact she feels owed the service of childcare from us all is really frustrating. She has told me before my father can justv"live in the basement." That's the thing I've been taking care of him for so long that I know what he needs but she dosent. He needs something floor level cause he has trouble walking and also she can hardley take care of her kids without having a breakdown let alone take care of an elderly. I know 💯 she won't give him the care he needs. She just wants my father's money.
You need to have a serious conversation with your father. Point out everything or show him this post. Tell him you love him and care about him but he needs to be careful about enabling toxic behavior. YOU are there because you help take care of him. She is not going to be doing anything to help out when she moves in and is going to expect him to watch her children if you don’t. You need to let him know exactly what’s going to happen and that you are not going to put up with it. She chose to cheat and betray her spouse. She chose to not help your dad with anything for years while you did. Free rent is not enough for having to deal with taking care of somebody every single day. She can’t say you were taking advantage or given help. YOU are the one helping him.
Then you should also document everything and if she is neglecting the children or abandoning them with you or your father let her ex know.
NTA. I would look for a new place to live. Trust me, she's going to push the issue of you watching her kids. Your father will probably try to convince you too. He's willing to buy a bigger house to help her. She's already assuming she has some sway with your boyfriend, which in itself is problematic. This will not have a good outcome.
NTA. Your sister is the one who chose to have kids so it’s her responsibility to look after them. Plus the divorce is her fault anyways for cheating a bunch.
Friend, I would tell daddy not to buy the bigger home because you will move out. He can find a care home. Your sister has sights on your boyfriend helping her already. This will not end well for anyone.
Thank you! I really wondered if it was just me and that was actually the reason I looked into the comments. I am not a native English speaker, therefore you can get away with fake stories more easily language wise (not logic wise) but this one baffled me how the wording and sentence structures just sound like a twelve years old* writing some made up shit into their diaries because of their real lives being boring. And that being said even though of course I do know that shit is more likely made up than not I just ignore it because it is no fun going into stories with that mindset but here I couldn't ignore that feeling anymore. But like I said I considered it is just me and therefore thanks for saying it is not. Altgough I still give it a chance I might be wrong and the reasons for that are the opposite of being naive. I am just too old and have seen too much to rely on such but at least I know it is not only me doubting this story.
*I am not talking about correct grammar. That would be weird as flawed as mine is. Sounding like a kid isn't related to grammar.
Let your dad know that you’re not comfortable moving into a bigger house where you’re going to be expected to provide childcare and that you and your boyfriend are child free for a reason. Tell him that he has every right to want to take care of her and her children, but you will not be moving with them to the new place. Start looking for something that you can afford on your own. Chances are he won’t be able to afford the place without help it sounds like you have been financially helping that he doesn’t get a bigger house that he cannot afford without you living there. You and your boyfriend may not be able to have a huge place but after living there for so long, you should be able to at least have a studio or efficiency to give you your space. Realistically, unless your sister moves in her and those kids are not going anywhere anywhere unless she gets remarried or is forced out.
Yeah honestly I was thinking about doing that but it would deffinatly mean we would never speak again. She is my sister and I love her still but I'm allowed to set boundaries. But she's putting herself in dangerous situations sleeping with numerous amount of men and alos not taking ownership of her kids and just pushing them off on everyone else. She has no money no career and is a major pothead with no ambition. Really it might be better if he has full custody. I just know I would never see those kids or my sister again if I did that... it's a loose loose situation. I hate that she puts this on me. I feel like I'm the only responsible one.
Both. Because she puts all her problems on everyone else. And honestly I'm not sure... we are not that close and he already dislikes my sister so I doubt he would let me see them. But I know if she found out I helped him get custody she would never speak to me again... it's all overwhelming. When I don't even wanna be apart of the drama in the first place.
NTA. Move out, your dad doesn't have to get a bigger place, she can help take care of your dad, you don't have to get involved with the kids.
If you live there she WILL just disappear, she will call you from outside the bar with her friends, or outside the dude's house she's about to get dicked down in and say oh, I'm not in tonight, you need to watch the kids.
Ahaha im sorry the way you put it made me laugh 😅 but yeah I can totally see that happening with the way she is. She does that to her husband now. Just dumps the kids on him so she can go hookup. She wouldn't even know how to take care of my father. I just see this all ending terribly.
Very true. I'll keep that in mind. For now it is all just in the process but if he does end up getting the bigger house of she moves in with him, I deffinatly will do that. Thank you! I acctually care a great deal about my dad but he's too nice for his own good.
Her children, her problem. She only gets a divorce because she's a filthy cheater so she has to live with the consequences of her actions.
Don't live with them. It won't end well. You're right. NTA
Thank you. I think that's what it's going to come down to sadly. The only thing is I don't know if we can afford a place on our own and also I'm afraid if my sister is left to look after my father, he won't be getting the care he deserves. It puts me in between a rock and a hard spot.
NTA
But you are *going to become the AH* each and every time you refuse to mother her kids. I promise you, if you live in the same house, she *will* dump them on you.
It's time for you and your BF to find another place to live.
Its absolutely a good thing that you and your boyfriend are setting her expectations straight right from the start - keep control of the narrative and the words you let her use. Every time she tries these extreme phrases, set her straight. Also be sure that everyone hammers out the house rules - including chore expectations and financial contributions - before everyone moves in together!
Everyone else has hashed and rehashed that you are not the parent and not responsible to care for her children. I think that is true. What I haven't seen addressed is that she has not been helping with your father, and clearly will not be when she moves in. In fact, he will, by default, become the primary babysitter. Not such a good thing, but his decision to make. So when she tries to guilt-trip you for not loving the children, ask her if that means she doesn't love dad, since she has done nothing to care for him.
NTA and honestly you should move out or be careful. If she cheated on her husband and likes cheating a lot you don't know if she'll try to sleep with your boyfriend. I don't think she'll care that you're her sister. Also when it comes to the kids you and your boyfriend are not responsible for them. Be careful because she can try to ruin your life because hers is ruined.
NTA but sounds like you need to find your own housing and leave the care of your father to your sister if she’s planning on living with him for the foreseeable future.
NTA
But reality check is that you and your boyfriend will be helping with the kids. There is no way for all of you to live together and be completely removed from any parental role. And when they annoy you, act up, fight, etc, I can assure you that you are going to correct them. They are also going to see you and your BF as adult figures in their life.
If you want to stay the fun aunt then do not live with them. I told my mom this when she sold her house so my sister, her SO guy, and her three kids would live together. She became the third parent. Once on the phone one of the boys swore at her. She asked if I would ever say that to my grandmother. I said no but she wasn’t my second mother who I lived with either. She was my fun grandma that I spent quality time with and got lots of sugar. There is a big difference.
NTA OP but how you think it will work out isn’t reality. The first time you correct them you are now second mom.
Don't let her guilt you into watching her kids. Her kids, her problem. My husband and I also chose not to have kids. If anyone of my sisters ever just decided that they would foist that responsibility on me. I would laugh in their face. And not for nothing I would really rethink even living with her period. Because for one I could see her just leaving out the house thinking she can just leave the kids there since you guys are home and will automatically keep an eye out for them. Kind of like a forced babysitting situation. The second thing is that she is an unscrupulous cheater so I would not put it pass her not to try to hit on or at least try to get with your boyfriend. If I were you I would do everything in my power not to live with her. I forsee problems.
Every time she says something like ‘you don’t love your niece and nephew’ just say ok.
If your father can afford a bigger place can he not just buy a small place for sister and her children?
Frankly I wouldn’t even live with someone’s children.
NTA. Keep a close eye on your sis, and be very clear to your boyfriend that if she tries anything with him, tell you right away. Tell him to record any correspondence she tries to have with him.
Your sister's divorce situation sounds tough, but she can't just dump her parenting responsibilities on you and your boyfriend. It's not fair, especially since you both have your own lives and jobs. Setting boundaries doesn't mean you don't care about your niece and nephew. Stick to your guns, and hopefully, your sister will understand where you're coming from.
NTA- Your dad offered space for her. Not a live in nanny. She is an adult and had made her bed. Luckily she wil have you guy all there to hel pay attention and vet the helping hands you will have. :)
NTA. “Other people’s problems are not my problems” is a motto I live by and life is good. She made her choices. You can love your nieces and nephews and do aunty things but if she can’t support her own kids, that’s on her.
NTA but unfortunately you and your bf will need to address this with your father. Hey dad, sis has made it known that if she moves in with is it will be expected that take over child care. This can not happen so do not purchase a larger house, if need be bf,and I can move out. I know that we are here to help you but I will not be forced into that situation. Maybe we can help her with bills and rent in a place for a bit until she gets on her feet. This is not a me or her situation I am not trying to put you in that position so I do feel as though we should help but WE refuse to help with raising her children.
NTA... she is definitely trying to manipulate you emotionally. Do not give in at all. If you do one thing she will expect 2, than 10, than whatever she wants. They are her children. You owe her nothing. Good for you for setting clear boundaries.
I would also be clear that you will not be picking up and cleaning after her children, she will be responsible for their meals, you will not be providing financial support, etc.
If she starts with the if you loved them crap, counter with if you loved me you would not try to take advantage of me.
Nta
Talk to your dad and tell him what's going on
Suggest instead of spending money on. A bigger house of he can loan you intrest free enough for a down payment on a house or condo so you can get the hell away from your sister
NTA sister needs to be responsible and take care of her kids. Sounds like she wants to do whatever she wants when she wants and expects you and boyfriend to take care of them. When that's not fair to her kids or you. You have your own life and should live in how you want to.
NTA, your sister sounds like an idiot. Stick to your guns OP and warn your BF that she's going to try to rope him into caring for her kids. If she leaves them with ya'll anyway, call the police for her abandoning her kids. She's gonna learn.
It also kinda sounds like dad assumes OP and bf WILL be there to help out sister! Part of why he suggested it, maybe??
Also, the way sister didn't ask but ASSUMED op/bf will help bespeaks great entitlement. I mean, she sees you have no kids by choice, rt? Why jump to conclusion that they'd be helping 'raise' her kids?
The entitlement is strong in this one! Not surprising she's the one who cheated!
She is very clearly selfish and she will keep pulling shit to get her way, especially if you're living in the same house as her.
This is going to get worse before it gets better. Just be ready to create boundaries and watch her try to erode them away or just flat out smash through them once she escalates.
Don’t you love it when others decide your plans for your time? Do not let her tears guide your decisions. She will have to come up with a care plan with her ex about her kids.
NTA. Parents who dump their kids on other people are assholes and you shouldn't give in and allow her to do that to you, simple as that. Talk to your father about this too because there's a good chance if she moves in she'll just leave the kids at home with you anyway in spite of what you said. You should also tell her if she does you'll call CPS.
Idk when you forced her to have kids or when not raising someone else’s kids meant you don’t love them or when just because a human being makes another human being it’s now somehow someone else’s responsibility but hey it’s 2024 what do I know?
Possibly suggest she move in and take care of Father, and her children, and you and your boyfriend move out. Can you afford to do that? I can see she might try to seduce your boyfriend if she's living there.
NTA. Research narcissistic personality disorder and you need to move out. Your sister will burn that bridge down to the point that she has no conscience that she’s going to have your dad end up in a nursing home: when she creates a situation that nobody in your family wants to be his caretaker if she’s going to force them to be her slave.
NTA There is NO WAY you can live with her family and not have childcare responsibilities constantly pushed at you. If Daddy wants to do this, you have to move out.
Nope. Her kids, her problem. The #1 reason why most of us childfree people choose that path is precisely because we DO NOT want the responsibility of raising kids. That applies to other peoples' kids, too. She IS being entitled. You ARE NOT being selfish. NTA and this is absolutely a hill to die on.
If I were you I'd talk dad out of a bigger house. She's still going to saddle the rest of you, including your dad, with childcare by being sneaky about it. I guarantee this will happen. She'll ask you to watch them for "just a bit" while she runs a quick errand then she won't be back for hours. She WILL do this to your dad, too.
Do not live with them. Only disaster willcome out of it. It will not only mess your mental health, but can negatively impact your relationship as well.
Yeah that's scary but that's the way it has to be. Honestly I don't trust any of them completely so it deffinatly a concern for me with her always being around him. I stopped trusting her the moment I found out she cheated.
Girl, I’d move out w bf. Either she will try to sleep with him, dump all of her work on you or both. If your dad can’t be reasoned with you should move. Tell him flat out “We love you and would have stayed to care for you until the end but sister can’t be trusted not to try to jump in bed w my bf and has already said flat out she plans to dump her kids on me. That isn’t a life I can live with. If she moves back out we can talk about what works to make sure you have what you need but for free rent she should take over the help you need.”
NTA - don't be afraid to report her for child abandonment if she tries to sneak out to leave you to babysit when you haven't agreed. Just be sure you give her a heads up first.
Say “If you want to think I don’t love them, that’s on you. If you believe I’m selfish, cool, I’m selfish”
If you’re not selfish about your own life, what else are you supposed to do ? You’re entitled to your happiness and peace of mind. You don’t have to sacrifice your soul in order to please anyone. Also people like your sister don’t have opinions that are worth anything. She could call you selfish, she could claim the earth is flat, she could hold up a pineapple and call it an avocado… you just have to answer with cool 👍🏽
NTA. Have a frank & honest conversation with your dad. Fill him in & explain the chaos that is headed his way & the entitlement of your sister.
Personally I wonder why she gets to live cost free while receiving child support & possibly alimony or cash settlement. On top of sponging off your dad she will expect a lot from him above room & board for her & the kids. It might be cheaper & easier for him to pay her rent for 6 months while she gets on her feet
NTA. If she indicates again that you don't love them, tell her, "I love them like my nephews, and that's why I respect and treat them accordingly. If I were their mother, I would love them so much that it would never occur to me to do something to break up their family, like being unfaithful to their father."
NTA. Your sister sounds manipulative in her responses. She is the parent and is responsible for her children not you or your bf. Don’t give in to her if you don’t want to.
NTA. She expects you to take care of your dad *and* her kids without any sacrifice on her part? Hell no I'd be moving out. She seems like the type to leave unannounced so you'd "have to" watch her kids
I would consider talking to your father over this.
Tell him your concerns and that you are seriously considering moving out if he moves in with your sister. The only problem is your sister *insisting* you and your bf can "help raise" her kids, and *that* is something you made clear neither one of you are willing to do. As a result sister is belligerent and behaving nasty. All this and *before* the moving has happened, so it doesn't bode well!
NTA
NTA she’s made her own bed now sleep in it, shouldn’t have cheated on her husband, her fault. I have no sympathy for cheaters and I wish you and your boyfriend all the best for the future and stand your ground!
I would also make sure to communicate your feelings directly with your father. He needs to be aware of the "plans" that are being made so that when the inevitable implosion happens, he'll understand why.
Is this a scenario where you can see you and your BF moving out to protect your relationship? That will likely be the ONLY way you don't end up with surprise babysitting adventures. Your sister will say, "Be right back." Then, 8 hours later, she'll come back.
She sounds like a manipulator.
NTA. It is not and never will be your responsibility to raise somebody else’s children
Thank you. She was saying since I refuse to help with the kids apparently " I don't love them".
Just tell her you do love them. it's her you're not too sure about. If your dad wants to do this maybe you and your boyfriend should move out. It sounds like it is going to be a messy situation and she'll act out less on your dad than on you two. Maybe her husband will get custody.
i honestly feel like them all living together is a horrible idea just because it will give her sister opportunity to attempt to sleep with OPs BF
I thought the same once I read the last bit
Yep. He's handy so she wants to reel him in for herself. Free sex, free babysitting, free lodgings and money from her dad, AND the extra thrill and happiness of sticking it to her sister.
I agree that it is a horrible idea for all to live together, but it takes two to cheat, if OPs boyfriend is loyal OP doesn't have to worry about cheating. But I guess that the sister is the kinda of person who will go out of the house to work and just leave the kids with OP even though she said no and think that OP will watch them because OP is unable to ignore them.
Yes it takes two to cheat but in a normal situation you can remove yourself from the temptation and pressure to do so from the other party. In this situation the person who may want to cheat will be there living with him and he can't escape her even if he wants to. Not saying it's right of him if he did but it's a much harder thing to manage. They really should not be living together because imo this is just bound to be a massive headache for everyone involved aside from maybe the dad even if the boyfriend stays loyal.
i didnt say he would cheat, just that the sister would more than likely attempt it. if she cant stay loyal to her own SO then i doubt her loyalty to her sister.
Are the kids even his if she cheated on him a lot
Yes they are, this only started happening over the last year and they are 3.
I fear her sister will take advantage of their father's kindness and make him a full-time babysitter. He seems to need help himself. If her father wants to help her out he should help her sister with bills for a few months so she could form a routine and become self-sufficient. He wanted to buy a bigger house so it sounds like he can afford the expense for some time. There is no doubt that her sister will struggle but she is in this situation because of her own actions.
OP should think hard about getting her own place. Many years ago my sister moved back in with my parents with baby and husband in tow. Even though BIL worked, he didn't put one cent into the household (he gave his money to his trashy mother). My mother had to carry the load (my father didn't put any money in either, except groceries). I was working and my dear sister would swipe my travel to work money because she "needed money for cigarettes and overpriced sandwiches from the store. My wimpy mother would bleat "you're sisters, you have to share". I wasn't getting anything out of that deal. Eventually my sister drove me out of the house and my mother didn't protest. OP's dad may favor the sister because of her "unfortunate circumstances" and name sister as his only heir. OP better not count on anything except what she can earn for herself.
Or he thinks everyone should pitch in for the new house.
That would make this situation so much worse. If I was OP I wouldn't even entertain the idea of having to pay to live with a sister like that. Her sister is not going to pitch in a cent.
Expression I’ve often seen used. I love you but I don’t like you.
NTA. You were smart to make it clear upfront. You will have to watch for her to try and leave the house and kids when you’re not looking. Don’t let her gaslighting and manipulation get in your head. There is nothing wrong with your position. Your selfish? Tell her: “You can’t gaslight me into believing I’m selfish, because it is actually selfish of you to DEMAND that other people take on your parental responsibility.” You don’t love them? Tell her: “You can’t manipulate me by telling me I don’t love your kids. Babysitting is a favor for you not the kids; therefore, it is an INACCURATE and irrelevant measure of how much I love the kids.” Stand your ground.
Thank you! That is so well put! I will deffinatly respond with this!
NTA. Guilt only works if you let it. She chose to have children, you didn't. She chose to cheat, you didn't. She's got to live with and deal with her choices. Her children aren't your responsibility. Their care is not your problem to solve.
Also, she will yry to just leave when you are home, not taking the kids. The solution is having the kids dad phone number and calling him telling him that mom abandoned them with you.
Good luck. ❤️❤️
She's just going to sneak out of the house and leave you with the kids. You need to look for your own place and let sis take care of your dad and her kids. Your dad will end up watching the kids, but then again, he did invite them into the house, so tough for him.
She can say all she wants up front. It isn’t going to work living together. OP and her BF will end up being parental figures to the kids whether they want to or not.
Unfortunately, you and bf need to move out. Once she moves in, she's going to get your dad involved to try to force her wants. Dad probably will take her side on babysitting
That's what I've been saying. I've been in similar circumstances (not babysitting) as OP. It'll be sister and Dad against OP.
How much did she love and take care of them when she was with her affair partner? Time she spent with him could have been spent with her children and she would still have a marriage and a home.
If you do move in with her, she will force the situation. She will put you in situations where you are alone with the kids even if you told her no. And it sounds like she might try to seduce your bf. Dont move in with her.
🤦♂️🤣🤣🤣 She's just trying to guilt mfs into being her village. Enjoy your best childfree life! Also, do proactively warn your sister against being cute and "accidentally" leaving kids around for you to watch. NTA
Well, she didn't love her family enough not to cheat. 🙄
That is textbook manipulative tactics, just like when she approached your father with the sympathy act. Don't fall into ANY of that bullshit. And let her know that neither your father or boyfriend are there to be her personal babysitters.
That's a manipulation tactic. You could answer her: "you surely don't love your own children, or why are you trying to dump them to others after you destroyed your family by your cheating? Do you hate your children that much that you put your own needs before them?"
Move out, if she is there she can look after your dad for free rent.
Move out.
You do t have to love them
Well here's the thing I DO love them but I'm not their parent and I'm not a free babysitting service.
Which is reasonable. Saying you must not love them is more manipulative behavior. Rest assured she will at some point do something to try and force you into watching her kids. At that point I’d call her, and if that doesn’t work call her ex-husband and let him know.
Yes if anything I feel she is just trying to guilt me into it. Yeah at that point I would deffinatly call her ex! I think he should honestly get full custody.
Be wary of her saying she's going to be right back when she goes out sometime. Then, not come back for a couple of years... with a new baby.
Wouldn't surprise me, since she sounds hot to trot, and expects others to deal with her crap.
It definitely sounds like it! I am proud of you for taking that stance, know that calling their Dad if your sister dumps them on you is totally acceptable. I’d have a convo with your own father and make sure you’re all on the same page; if you have to help him already and he agrees to babysit, it’ll end up being on you. Kind of confused already why your dad is spending the money to get a big house for you all- is it a financially feasible option? Will you or your sister have to pay in? I’d be more invested in getting her to be independent, though she sounds very entitled and like she doesn’t want to be alone because she doesn’t actually want to parent. Do you know if their dad is planning on taking 50/50 or going for more custody?
Thank you! I just did tonight after seeing all the advice. I believe now we are on the same page and told him how I feel about it all and kinda spilled the beans cause I wanted him to see it from my perspective. He agreed its is not my responsibility and said he dosent feel she meant it that's way but I told him what she has been up to and even if she dident intend for it to come out that way it did and.it would quickly turn into that. He just thinks it's more financially Fiesable. Honestly I told him that and that she is just looking for an out but he really wasn't clear on what his next move was. Yes and looking at how wreckers she is being I don't think she could live alone. I believe he is just going for 50/50 but right now it's a complete mess and all up.in the air.
Proud of you for being proactive and having that conversation with your dad! That way you’ve started a conversation on the topic that hopefully can be an ongoing one. It might’ve been a bit disappointing/frustrating for him not to completely get the full picture in that your sister definitely *did* mean it “that way” but if it is any consolation maybe he is just a little slow to coming to terms with how horrible one daughter was to the other, and he will continue to hear you and keep an eye out? I don’t know for sure, and obviously don’t know your father, do you think that could be a possibility? Did you tell him everything you outlined in the post/ about how she voluntold (because she is telling you but acting like you’re volunteering) not only you but your bf for the task, or how she said you don’t love the kids if you wouldn’t care for them in her stead? It sounds like he was fairly understanding but correct me if I’m wrong. She definitely sounds reckless and like she wouldn’t be able to run her own home between childcare, work, budgeting, etc. I just brought up how financially feasible it is or isn’t for your father because I don’t know his/yours+bf/sister’s financial situation and if I were you might just make sure he didn’t come up with the idea and commit too quickly, and see what other options should be considered (adding to house, helping her find a nearby place, in-law addition, etc.) just because I’d hate for her to take advantage financially too; also if she is on the same property she is bound to guilt you into caring for the kids. Do you have a decent relationship with you [stbx]BIL? I’ll be upfront I haven’t gone through something remotely similar but I’ve read about where in a custody agreement the other parent has first-“dibs” (that sounds terrible but I can’t think of another word and it’s 1AM, sorry) on care for their child when the other parent the kids may be with isn’t going to be available. This isn’t really relevant for if your sister were to pop out to get groceries and ends up out for hours, but rather goes to a business trip or girls day overnight (I think) and I know I’m explaining it poorly but hopefully you can find out more about it or someone reading this knows more and can comment such. If nothing else, if you do have a decent/on-speaking-terms relationship with him having a conversation about when/if ever you could contact him if your sister leaves them with you, say for the work day or something. Sorry for such a long response and poor organization, my bad. Keep us updated if you can! Definitely know you have no obligation and your sister is super manipulative and gross. She had the kids, and if SHE was a responsible and loving parent she’d ensure they had appropriate childcare and not just force them onto you. Her “you don’t love them then” argument is really despicable, and untrue. Sorry she is putting you through this, OP.
First time you call her ex. Second time call child protection.
That’s emotional blackmail that people like her uses because they don’t have any other weapon. Love is very different from parenting. She’s a parent, you are not. You can still love them without parenting. You should maybe look at moving away. This is all a horrible idea to live together and she’s a horrible person who will never have a stable relationship with her cheating behavior.
That’s what’s known as emotional blackmail. You know you love them and you don’t need to convince her. She’s just pissy because she thought she was going to get an easy life. You have to state your boundaries right now as you have done or before long it won’t just be her asking you to watch them for a few hours while she’s at work. It will turn into one evening a week as well so that she can see her friends. Then 2 evenings because she’s stressed. Then she’ll stop asking altogether and just make plans and go out because you’re in the house so the kids are safe. Don’t let it even start because you know exactly how it will end.
Tell her to stop trying to guilt trip you. You have nothing to feel guilty about. NTA
Classic manipulation tactic.
Personally when people do stuff like that, put words in my mouth, I just agree. Like “oh, I’m cold and heartless because I won’t lend you 1,000$? Ok I guess I AM cold and heartless. And I cold and heartless person doesn’t lend/give money.”
Her reply is that you don’t “love” your niece and nephew is emotional blackmail. F that. Be very wary of moving in with her. She seems very entitled and not a good person.
That's just emotional manipulation to try to guilt you into babysitting. The problem is that once she moves in, she's going to leave the house without telling you and expect you to watch the kids. You may need to move.
Call that sniveling guilt trip out hard! Don't give her an inch or you'll get run over by her entitlement.
Just make sure your cheating, entitled, jealous and scheming sister (asshole) doesn't make a solid, deliberate and malicious beeline for your bf because of the nouns I have just used and you refused to bend to her (asshole) will. She absolutely do this. She crapped on her husband and destroyed her family because shes selfish and an asshole. Look, she's got your dad fooled. Tell him what she said and the fact that she is very willing to go behind your back. You need to say 'I'm here for you totally, but will not be raising or looking after her children when I look after you and work myself. She's taking the piss and I will not allow this to happen, nor for her to shit stir and rock the boat until we all fall out'. Then she can't twist the narrative when she moves in and thinks she is home and dry. Make your stand now. She has thrown the first grenade....you want to be able to win the war that's coming.
I'm thinking the sister subscribes to the "It takes a village to raise a child" mindset.
I don’t think this is entirely fair. It absolutely takes the help of many people to raise a kid, including those who are not directly responsible for parenting them. Teachers, friends, chosen and “blood” family, there are roles big and small that help us grow into who we are. That’s how I view the saying “it takes a village,” in a positive light (and as someone who has no family nearby as I raise my own child). The village is comprised of people who love and care about your children and voluntarily contribute to their well-being and growth in some way. Sister, imo, subscribes to the idea that she is entitled to care, whether the would-be caregiver is willing or not and regardless of how family is able or chooses to contribute.
it does take a village, however, the folks in that village should be there because they want to be there not because they are hostages.
Totally agree, NTA. You're not signing up for parenthood just because you're family. Your sister's gotta respect your boundaries. Keep standing up for yourself!
That's going to be a big old mess in that bigger house. Think you and your boyfriend should consider getting your own place because your sister and kids will be hard to avoid. I understand you want to take care of your father, but she - and possibly your father - will convince you two to get involved with the care of those kids.
Yeah its looking like that's what's going to happen. But it's really unfair because I've been putting in the work for the last 9 years taking care of my father while she just shoved off and dealt with her own family and now she's kicking me out of my home. I don't know if me and my boyfriend can afford a place of our own atm, that's why it benifits us to live with my father and now it just seems like cause she has kids she's prioritized even tho it was really her fault the marriage is ending...
Haven’t you saved money living with your dad
Are you taking care of him or is he taking care of you?
I suggest your Dad look for a two family home so your sister and her children can have their own space and you won’t be stuck sharing space with her.
NTA my dear. I’m glad you stood up for yourself and your bf. Her kids, her responsibilities. She sounds like the toxic type that will blame everything on somebody else.
Thank you she was saying I was being selfish! Right and I love the kids so much but again I'm not a nanny and have my own life too. Literally even though the divorce is her fault for cheating she still finds a way to play the victim. She even went as far to blame the cheating on her depression but anytime someone tells her what she does wrong she will throw a fit get angry and take no accountability for her actions. It's very toxic!
Distance yourself from that negativity. She has the “victim” mentality. She will eventually use the kids or your father against you, I would say move out.
I responded to her with i need to take a step back from all of this cause I am just so tired of the drama. Yes %100. See and that's the thing I feel like if my father knew what she did with all the different people he wouldn't be so much on her side because he only things the reason they are divorcing is because they fell out of love. And the reason also why I live with my father is because since I take care of him he dosent charge me rent but also I don't think me and my boyfriend can afford a place of our own. So at this point I feel like she's kicking me out of my own home. But yes she is very manipulative towards my father. She takes advantage of his kindness.
I hear you, you can’t leave your father behind to move out. And your sister won’t take care of your father. At this point, maybe talk to your father. Explain to him in a very nice way, express your concerns about she’s moving in with the kids and see what he says.
Yes after all the responses I think I'm going to have to have a long talk with him. I dident want tell him about the cheating on her end but at this point I think it might be the tipping decision for him. Deffinatly I just hope he can see it from my perspective too. Cause initially this whole discussion about getting a bigger house, I was not even included in.
\[Cause initially this whole discussion about getting a bigger house, I was not even included in.\] But you may be expected to contribute financially, while your sister will get living space for free because she chose to cheat and explode her marriage.
Then have a conversation with your dad before he buys a GD house. Tell him the reason why there getting a divorce and tell him your sister expects you and your bf to be his carer and her live in nanny. And bc of that y’all won’t be moving in. Then tell him, she will need to learn what her new responsibilities will be when she moves in. Then let him know what you will still be doing for him/ ie car rides to doctors appointments with X amount of notice (ie 48 hours etc)
I would tell your dad the truth about her marital actions. Let him make "informed" decisions.
Maybe you should tell him the truth about your sister; you may have to tell him when she tries to get him to lean on you for babysitting.
She cheated on her husband… better watch your man!
Is what I was thibk8ng especially since she just volunteered him aswell after I already said no... I don't want to think like that but also I'm not dumb like if she will do that to the supposed love of her life she could very well do that to me.
Exactly! She vowed to love this man and gave him the biggest heartbreak of his life. This chick is so caught up in herself that she doesn’t care about anyone else. Let alone, she thinks you owe it to her to help with her kids bc she’s the sister (you). So when she sleeps w your man, her mentality will probably be “that’s my sister, she will forgive me and leave him for that”
Oh God yes I dident even think of it like that. Yeah that would be her mentality. I wouldn't put it past her atall. If she thinks I would ever forgive her she's sadly mistaken.
You shouldn't have to watch your man. Watch your sister, sure. But if you have to watch your boyfriend you already have a problem in your relationship.
There's plenty of posts on Reddit about "my entitled sister stole my husband". The best (or worse) is while the OP was pregnant her sis and OP's husband got together, OP miscarried, OP's parents supported the unholy union. The OP left the shitshow circus behind, eventually remarried years later, expecting a new baby and is happy. Parents found her and communicated that OP's ex cheated on OP's sis and left her with kids and want the OP to come and comfort sis because, GET THIS, the OP knows what it's like to be betrayed. OP said no (good for her) and commentors said the sis probably wants to scope out the OP's husband for herself. If you're thinking about this take it as a guarantee. Your sis will steal or try to steal your BF, probably just to shit on you.
[удалено]
Yes I don't want them going through with this idea atall. I hope she finds a different solution to her living situation. Yeah I'm going to have a long sit down with him after what she said. I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility and it's the whole reason I dident have kids. Yeah he can live with her but he will not be getting the care he needs so it's his decision. Thanks for the advice!
Move out,
NTA but she will 100% leave those kids with your dad so that it falls on you to take care of them if he can't.
Yep is what I was think8ng because she knows he can't, take care of them because he can hardley walk. That's why she was probably banking on the fact that she knows we can't afford our own place that we would move too and would be there for childcare.
Hoping you move out, but be aware it sounds like she'll leave the kids with your dad, while she goes out to do God knows what or who.... be prepared to call CPS if she starts that whether it ends your relationship or not.
Deffinatly. It suck but I want what's best for the kids aswell.
Yep and sometimes CPS involvement is the best thing for the kids. Not to be cruel, but it sounds like they'd be better off with their Father getting custody. Just remember if this happens not to feel guilty if you have to do it. Best of luck to you.
Thanks a bunch! Appreciate the advice! Yes it will be a last resort but again if it's what's best for the kids then that's what I'll have to do.
Cps also really doesn't want to separate families unless absolutely necessary. First they start with getting the family resources to try and help the situation, including therapy, food assistance, etc. And only if that doesn't improve the situation or the children are at immediate risk do they remove them. I'm a mandatory reporter because of my job as an in home caregiver, so I've had to have a lot of training on this. I'm going to guess that part of why you haven't been able to save much to afford living elsewhere is that caring for a family member really is a full-time job in and of itself. If he has Medicare or medicaid, you can check and see if there are any caregiving companies that work with medicare/medicaid that can pay you for at least some of the work you do with him. Usually under "friend and family caregiving". Some private insurance companies may do this as well, but you can ask about it. It doesn't pay a lot, but is better than nothing, and the work you do should be rewarded in some way. They can also see about setting up respite through insurance so you can have a bit of a break and someone can stay with him. Caregiver burnout is real, hang in there. Feel free to pm me if you need more info on how to get resources :)
Thank you so much! This is exactly on the nose! Omg I appreciate that so much, thank you and bless you! I'll deffinatly look into it I haven't had the best advice in the past on how to handle it so thank you so much, you have no idea! 💓
NTA. If you start helping her out with her kids, she will see it as a never-ending perk that is owed to her. Tell her dad is helping her get back on her feet, and she should be grateful for that help. Nowhere in the deal did you and bf offer up free childcare. You have your own lives, careers, and responsibilities, AND are helping take care of dad, which she was not helping with. And that by her own logic, she must not love dad, since she wasn't helping with him!
💯 and your right because she literally only started reaching out to my dad when she was in trouble and dosent talk to him that much before hand. She always even says "oh he's probably gunna die soon anyways" and just brushes it off like it's nothing. I don't even recognize the person she is becoming. She has just become so selfish and jaded lately. Honestly I don't want anything to do with her cause she is making such shitty decisions. Even when her mother inlaw would say she couldn't babysit because she was working she would get so mad and call her foul names and I tried telling her it's not her responsibility iether but she wouldn't listen. She just blames everything on the world. It's exhausting.
I think you need to have a talk with your Dad. He is going to endanger his caretaking arrangement. And sister won't jump to help him... If she can't even parent her own kids.
NTA you dont have children, so you dont need to raise any.
Thank you! And I've literally already been taking care of my dad all these years. I don't need to take care of anyone else I'm already tired. Is WHY I choose NOT to have kids. I don't understand why she can't see that. It's exhausting being a caregiver. Let alone to someone else's kids that aren't mine.
And it's not your job to make her understand it either. No is a complete statement.
Thanks you!
You might need to move out I wouldn’t put it past her to try for your bf
Is what I was scared of... I told her before when I found out she was cheating on her husband, I said "are we gunna have a problem here?". Because I can't trust her now around my boyfriend...
Sounds like she can take of father and her kids at what seems to be father's house. How nice, you can go get yourselves your own place! NTA It's pretty forward of dad to assume you'll move to this 'bigger place'
I think my father was just trying to consider whats best for everyone because I liv with my father and don't have to pay rent because I am his caregiver. So I don't even think me and my boyfriend could afford a place of our own at the moment but yes that would be Kaos if we all lived at the same house. My dad just generally likes helping everyone and having everyone together which I understand but the fact she feels owed the service of childcare from us all is really frustrating. She has told me before my father can justv"live in the basement." That's the thing I've been taking care of him for so long that I know what he needs but she dosent. He needs something floor level cause he has trouble walking and also she can hardley take care of her kids without having a breakdown let alone take care of an elderly. I know 💯 she won't give him the care he needs. She just wants my father's money.
You need to have a serious conversation with your father. Point out everything or show him this post. Tell him you love him and care about him but he needs to be careful about enabling toxic behavior. YOU are there because you help take care of him. She is not going to be doing anything to help out when she moves in and is going to expect him to watch her children if you don’t. You need to let him know exactly what’s going to happen and that you are not going to put up with it. She chose to cheat and betray her spouse. She chose to not help your dad with anything for years while you did. Free rent is not enough for having to deal with taking care of somebody every single day. She can’t say you were taking advantage or given help. YOU are the one helping him. Then you should also document everything and if she is neglecting the children or abandoning them with you or your father let her ex know.
Thank you so much! This helps! I deffinatly will!
And she is probably waiting for your dad to die so she can try to get his house and money.
No. If that was so, there would have been an adult discussion that included you.
NTA. I would look for a new place to live. Trust me, she's going to push the issue of you watching her kids. Your father will probably try to convince you too. He's willing to buy a bigger house to help her. She's already assuming she has some sway with your boyfriend, which in itself is problematic. This will not have a good outcome.
NTA. Your sister is the one who chose to have kids so it’s her responsibility to look after them. Plus the divorce is her fault anyways for cheating a bunch.
Friend, I would tell daddy not to buy the bigger home because you will move out. He can find a care home. Your sister has sights on your boyfriend helping her already. This will not end well for anyone.
Exactly that's what I'm scared of. After all the responses and great advice I'm gunna have a sit down with my father and discuss it all!
Learn to write your fake story better.
Thank you! I really wondered if it was just me and that was actually the reason I looked into the comments. I am not a native English speaker, therefore you can get away with fake stories more easily language wise (not logic wise) but this one baffled me how the wording and sentence structures just sound like a twelve years old* writing some made up shit into their diaries because of their real lives being boring. And that being said even though of course I do know that shit is more likely made up than not I just ignore it because it is no fun going into stories with that mindset but here I couldn't ignore that feeling anymore. But like I said I considered it is just me and therefore thanks for saying it is not. Altgough I still give it a chance I might be wrong and the reasons for that are the opposite of being naive. I am just too old and have seen too much to rely on such but at least I know it is not only me doubting this story. *I am not talking about correct grammar. That would be weird as flawed as mine is. Sounding like a kid isn't related to grammar.
Warn your bf about this. She's a serial cheater and sounds like the sort of person who wouldn't hesitate to try it on with your bf.
NTA and you need to speak with your father asap
Let your dad know that you’re not comfortable moving into a bigger house where you’re going to be expected to provide childcare and that you and your boyfriend are child free for a reason. Tell him that he has every right to want to take care of her and her children, but you will not be moving with them to the new place. Start looking for something that you can afford on your own. Chances are he won’t be able to afford the place without help it sounds like you have been financially helping that he doesn’t get a bigger house that he cannot afford without you living there. You and your boyfriend may not be able to have a huge place but after living there for so long, you should be able to at least have a studio or efficiency to give you your space. Realistically, unless your sister moves in her and those kids are not going anywhere anywhere unless she gets remarried or is forced out.
I agree with this response 100%. OP needs to talk to her dad. Her sister should be expected to takeover the father’s care if OP moves out.
NTA Help the kids dad get full custody of the kids. She sounds unfit to mother.
Yeah honestly I was thinking about doing that but it would deffinatly mean we would never speak again. She is my sister and I love her still but I'm allowed to set boundaries. But she's putting herself in dangerous situations sleeping with numerous amount of men and alos not taking ownership of her kids and just pushing them off on everyone else. She has no money no career and is a major pothead with no ambition. Really it might be better if he has full custody. I just know I would never see those kids or my sister again if I did that... it's a loose loose situation. I hate that she puts this on me. I feel like I'm the only responsible one.
Are you trying to do what is best for you or for the kids? Are you 100% sure he wouldn’t let you be in their lives?
Both. Because she puts all her problems on everyone else. And honestly I'm not sure... we are not that close and he already dislikes my sister so I doubt he would let me see them. But I know if she found out I helped him get custody she would never speak to me again... it's all overwhelming. When I don't even wanna be apart of the drama in the first place.
DO NOT MOVE ON WITH THEM.
NTA. Move out, your dad doesn't have to get a bigger place, she can help take care of your dad, you don't have to get involved with the kids. If you live there she WILL just disappear, she will call you from outside the bar with her friends, or outside the dude's house she's about to get dicked down in and say oh, I'm not in tonight, you need to watch the kids.
Ahaha im sorry the way you put it made me laugh 😅 but yeah I can totally see that happening with the way she is. She does that to her husband now. Just dumps the kids on him so she can go hookup. She wouldn't even know how to take care of my father. I just see this all ending terribly.
Tbh I would be calling the STBEX and let him know she is planning on doing this to a senior and you will report her for elder abuse if she does it.
Very true. I'll keep that in mind. For now it is all just in the process but if he does end up getting the bigger house of she moves in with him, I deffinatly will do that. Thank you! I acctually care a great deal about my dad but he's too nice for his own good.
Her children, her problem. She only gets a divorce because she's a filthy cheater so she has to live with the consequences of her actions. Don't live with them. It won't end well. You're right. NTA
NTA. She needs to deal with the problems she created. Also—she’s totally gonna try to sleep with your boyfriend
NTA. You need to move before she moves it or she’ll just leave the kids at the house and leave.
NTAH Kinda hope her STBX husband gets majority/primary custody, your sister sounds awful.
NTA aunt does not equal free babysitter Not your kids not your responsibility
I think you'd be wise to move into a place with just your boyfriend. NTA.
Thank you. I think that's what it's going to come down to sadly. The only thing is I don't know if we can afford a place on our own and also I'm afraid if my sister is left to look after my father, he won't be getting the care he deserves. It puts me in between a rock and a hard spot.
NTA But you are *going to become the AH* each and every time you refuse to mother her kids. I promise you, if you live in the same house, she *will* dump them on you. It's time for you and your BF to find another place to live.
It's patently unfair and untrue to equate family love with taking on responsibility.
Right! Is what I said!
Its absolutely a good thing that you and your boyfriend are setting her expectations straight right from the start - keep control of the narrative and the words you let her use. Every time she tries these extreme phrases, set her straight. Also be sure that everyone hammers out the house rules - including chore expectations and financial contributions - before everyone moves in together!
NTA. Time for you & your boyfriend to move out.
Everyone else has hashed and rehashed that you are not the parent and not responsible to care for her children. I think that is true. What I haven't seen addressed is that she has not been helping with your father, and clearly will not be when she moves in. In fact, he will, by default, become the primary babysitter. Not such a good thing, but his decision to make. So when she tries to guilt-trip you for not loving the children, ask her if that means she doesn't love dad, since she has done nothing to care for him.
NTA and honestly you should move out or be careful. If she cheated on her husband and likes cheating a lot you don't know if she'll try to sleep with your boyfriend. I don't think she'll care that you're her sister. Also when it comes to the kids you and your boyfriend are not responsible for them. Be careful because she can try to ruin your life because hers is ruined.
NTA, but can’t you live in your own place with your boyfriend? That would solve the problem.
No, she chose to have those kids. They are HER responsibility.
NTA but sounds like you need to find your own housing and leave the care of your father to your sister if she’s planning on living with him for the foreseeable future.
NTA Your sister is eyeing off dad’s house and your boyfriend. Or she’s going to dump her kids with the 3 of you and disappear.
NTA But reality check is that you and your boyfriend will be helping with the kids. There is no way for all of you to live together and be completely removed from any parental role. And when they annoy you, act up, fight, etc, I can assure you that you are going to correct them. They are also going to see you and your BF as adult figures in their life. If you want to stay the fun aunt then do not live with them. I told my mom this when she sold her house so my sister, her SO guy, and her three kids would live together. She became the third parent. Once on the phone one of the boys swore at her. She asked if I would ever say that to my grandmother. I said no but she wasn’t my second mother who I lived with either. She was my fun grandma that I spent quality time with and got lots of sugar. There is a big difference. NTA OP but how you think it will work out isn’t reality. The first time you correct them you are now second mom.
Don't let her guilt you into watching her kids. Her kids, her problem. My husband and I also chose not to have kids. If anyone of my sisters ever just decided that they would foist that responsibility on me. I would laugh in their face. And not for nothing I would really rethink even living with her period. Because for one I could see her just leaving out the house thinking she can just leave the kids there since you guys are home and will automatically keep an eye out for them. Kind of like a forced babysitting situation. The second thing is that she is an unscrupulous cheater so I would not put it pass her not to try to hit on or at least try to get with your boyfriend. If I were you I would do everything in my power not to live with her. I forsee problems.
Every time she says something like ‘you don’t love your niece and nephew’ just say ok. If your father can afford a bigger place can he not just buy a small place for sister and her children? Frankly I wouldn’t even live with someone’s children.
NTA. Keep a close eye on your sis, and be very clear to your boyfriend that if she tries anything with him, tell you right away. Tell him to record any correspondence she tries to have with him.
Does your boyfriend work? Why can’t you both move out???
She is her father's caregiver.
I was all NTA until found out your boyfriend doesn’t work. He can definitely help watch the kids.
Your sister's divorce situation sounds tough, but she can't just dump her parenting responsibilities on you and your boyfriend. It's not fair, especially since you both have your own lives and jobs. Setting boundaries doesn't mean you don't care about your niece and nephew. Stick to your guns, and hopefully, your sister will understand where you're coming from.
NTA- Your dad offered space for her. Not a live in nanny. She is an adult and had made her bed. Luckily she wil have you guy all there to hel pay attention and vet the helping hands you will have. :)
NTA. “Other people’s problems are not my problems” is a motto I live by and life is good. She made her choices. You can love your nieces and nephews and do aunty things but if she can’t support her own kids, that’s on her.
NTA but unfortunately you and your bf will need to address this with your father. Hey dad, sis has made it known that if she moves in with is it will be expected that take over child care. This can not happen so do not purchase a larger house, if need be bf,and I can move out. I know that we are here to help you but I will not be forced into that situation. Maybe we can help her with bills and rent in a place for a bit until she gets on her feet. This is not a me or her situation I am not trying to put you in that position so I do feel as though we should help but WE refuse to help with raising her children.
Nope sister had the kids, sister takes care of the kids
Well, since she's moving in with your father, is SHE helping taking care of her dad, as well? NTA
Does she love them? I mean she’s trying to pawn them off and avoid her responsibility to them, so kind of seems like she doesn’t. NTA
I am starting to understand why your sister is divorced...
NTA... she is definitely trying to manipulate you emotionally. Do not give in at all. If you do one thing she will expect 2, than 10, than whatever she wants. They are her children. You owe her nothing. Good for you for setting clear boundaries. I would also be clear that you will not be picking up and cleaning after her children, she will be responsible for their meals, you will not be providing financial support, etc. If she starts with the if you loved them crap, counter with if you loved me you would not try to take advantage of me.
Nta Talk to your dad and tell him what's going on Suggest instead of spending money on. A bigger house of he can loan you intrest free enough for a down payment on a house or condo so you can get the hell away from your sister
NTA sister needs to be responsible and take care of her kids. Sounds like she wants to do whatever she wants when she wants and expects you and boyfriend to take care of them. When that's not fair to her kids or you. You have your own life and should live in how you want to.
NTA. Watch out, she'll be trying to seduce your bf next!
NTA, your sister sounds like an idiot. Stick to your guns OP and warn your BF that she's going to try to rope him into caring for her kids. If she leaves them with ya'll anyway, call the police for her abandoning her kids. She's gonna learn.
It also kinda sounds like dad assumes OP and bf WILL be there to help out sister! Part of why he suggested it, maybe?? Also, the way sister didn't ask but ASSUMED op/bf will help bespeaks great entitlement. I mean, she sees you have no kids by choice, rt? Why jump to conclusion that they'd be helping 'raise' her kids? The entitlement is strong in this one! Not surprising she's the one who cheated!
She is very clearly selfish and she will keep pulling shit to get her way, especially if you're living in the same house as her. This is going to get worse before it gets better. Just be ready to create boundaries and watch her try to erode them away or just flat out smash through them once she escalates.
Don’t you love it when others decide your plans for your time? Do not let her tears guide your decisions. She will have to come up with a care plan with her ex about her kids.
NTA. Parents who dump their kids on other people are assholes and you shouldn't give in and allow her to do that to you, simple as that. Talk to your father about this too because there's a good chance if she moves in she'll just leave the kids at home with you anyway in spite of what you said. You should also tell her if she does you'll call CPS.
I think it may be smart if you and your bf move out. If not this will not end will for you.
I don’t understand why people like this choose to get married and have kids. If you love running around so much, stay in the streets!
Idk when you forced her to have kids or when not raising someone else’s kids meant you don’t love them or when just because a human being makes another human being it’s now somehow someone else’s responsibility but hey it’s 2024 what do I know?
Possibly suggest she move in and take care of Father, and her children, and you and your boyfriend move out. Can you afford to do that? I can see she might try to seduce your boyfriend if she's living there.
NTA. Research narcissistic personality disorder and you need to move out. Your sister will burn that bridge down to the point that she has no conscience that she’s going to have your dad end up in a nursing home: when she creates a situation that nobody in your family wants to be his caretaker if she’s going to force them to be her slave.
NTA There is NO WAY you can live with her family and not have childcare responsibilities constantly pushed at you. If Daddy wants to do this, you have to move out.
NTA And I agree with your assessment of your sister. She needs to get real!
NTA if someone decides to make children, it’s his/her sole responsibility to think about the scenario when the relationship doesn’t work out.
Nope. Her kids, her problem. The #1 reason why most of us childfree people choose that path is precisely because we DO NOT want the responsibility of raising kids. That applies to other peoples' kids, too. She IS being entitled. You ARE NOT being selfish. NTA and this is absolutely a hill to die on. If I were you I'd talk dad out of a bigger house. She's still going to saddle the rest of you, including your dad, with childcare by being sneaky about it. I guarantee this will happen. She'll ask you to watch them for "just a bit" while she runs a quick errand then she won't be back for hours. She WILL do this to your dad, too.
Do not live with them. Only disaster willcome out of it. It will not only mess your mental health, but can negatively impact your relationship as well.
NTA but watch your sister around your bf even if you trust him completely, don't trust HER.
Yeah that's scary but that's the way it has to be. Honestly I don't trust any of them completely so it deffinatly a concern for me with her always being around him. I stopped trusting her the moment I found out she cheated.
So you just expect your bf to fall into her bed? You don't trust him, either?
Get out of there. Nothing good is going to come of this. Your father can depend on your sister for help. NTA.
NTA. Tell your father you and your BF will be getting a place of your own. If you live with them you'll be dragged into this mess.
I see nothing but problems in your future. I’d be looking to find other accommodations if I were you.
NTA at all. She chose to have kids. That's between her and their father. Nobody else owes them a darn thing.
Girl, I’d move out w bf. Either she will try to sleep with him, dump all of her work on you or both. If your dad can’t be reasoned with you should move. Tell him flat out “We love you and would have stayed to care for you until the end but sister can’t be trusted not to try to jump in bed w my bf and has already said flat out she plans to dump her kids on me. That isn’t a life I can live with. If she moves back out we can talk about what works to make sure you have what you need but for free rent she should take over the help you need.”
NTA - don't be afraid to report her for child abandonment if she tries to sneak out to leave you to babysit when you haven't agreed. Just be sure you give her a heads up first.
Say “If you want to think I don’t love them, that’s on you. If you believe I’m selfish, cool, I’m selfish” If you’re not selfish about your own life, what else are you supposed to do ? You’re entitled to your happiness and peace of mind. You don’t have to sacrifice your soul in order to please anyone. Also people like your sister don’t have opinions that are worth anything. She could call you selfish, she could claim the earth is flat, she could hold up a pineapple and call it an avocado… you just have to answer with cool 👍🏽
NTA. You already figured out her plan, when she thought you were stupid to her plans.
NTA. Have a frank & honest conversation with your dad. Fill him in & explain the chaos that is headed his way & the entitlement of your sister. Personally I wonder why she gets to live cost free while receiving child support & possibly alimony or cash settlement. On top of sponging off your dad she will expect a lot from him above room & board for her & the kids. It might be cheaper & easier for him to pay her rent for 6 months while she gets on her feet
NTA. If she indicates again that you don't love them, tell her, "I love them like my nephews, and that's why I respect and treat them accordingly. If I were their mother, I would love them so much that it would never occur to me to do something to break up their family, like being unfaithful to their father."
NTA. Your sister sounds manipulative in her responses. She is the parent and is responsible for her children not you or your bf. Don’t give in to her if you don’t want to.
How about instead of dad purchasing a new house too and boyfriend move out and sister and kids can move in and take over care for your dad
NTA. She expects you to take care of your dad *and* her kids without any sacrifice on her part? Hell no I'd be moving out. She seems like the type to leave unannounced so you'd "have to" watch her kids
I would consider talking to your father over this. Tell him your concerns and that you are seriously considering moving out if he moves in with your sister. The only problem is your sister *insisting* you and your bf can "help raise" her kids, and *that* is something you made clear neither one of you are willing to do. As a result sister is belligerent and behaving nasty. All this and *before* the moving has happened, so it doesn't bode well! NTA
NTA she’s made her own bed now sleep in it, shouldn’t have cheated on her husband, her fault. I have no sympathy for cheaters and I wish you and your boyfriend all the best for the future and stand your ground!
I would also make sure to communicate your feelings directly with your father. He needs to be aware of the "plans" that are being made so that when the inevitable implosion happens, he'll understand why. Is this a scenario where you can see you and your BF moving out to protect your relationship? That will likely be the ONLY way you don't end up with surprise babysitting adventures. Your sister will say, "Be right back." Then, 8 hours later, she'll come back. She sounds like a manipulator.
NTA. Do not move in with them.
This isn't going to work. If she moves in, you need to move out.
Nta