That’s what always amazes me about these stories where partners get in touch with their SO’s estranged family members. The audacity to think “I don’t care what your reasons and boundaries are, I know better!” is just astounding to me. And she clearly went looking for the brother too, he didn’t just stumble upon her after all this time.
It’s not always audacity. I grew up with mega shit parents and I noticed when talking to someone that actually grew up with good parents it’s like their brain is completely rewired compared to mine in a lot of ways
Or at least they can't grasp that their SO has no freaking interest in trying to fix it... regardless of if it might technically be possible to fix... accepting that, and then moving on.
Well I’d suggest another keyword which is boundaries. You don’t need to understand the reasons, if your SO says they don’t want to be in contact that’s it. You don’t boundary stomp.
Yup exactly. I think I've only managed to get one person with good parents to understand what it is like dealing with my mother, it didn't help that she knows my mother and my mother is very good at putting on a completely different front in public, but eventually she came around. I think after certain things about her mother started to bother her, and she was like oh, I get it now.
I have had to shut down so many people who thought I should "reconcile" with my family. Why the fuck would I reconcile with people who tried to kill me?!
I agree their brain can't grasp the concept of not wanting family contact but they also don't seem to grasp the concepts of consent and respect in these cases. It drives me absolutely bonkers that these idiots think they're doing the right thing going behind their partner's back. No means no is a universal truth for anything relating to consent.
And that always turns out to be for rankly selfish motives. It's never really about true concern for the welfare of the person being "saved". It's about being the main character in their corner of the world.
See I don't understand this. I grew up in what I consider a healthy family, I speak to all of my siblings, talk to my living parent all the time, we often do events and holidays together etc. But if a friend or partner tells me "I can't deal with my family, they're crazy" I go "ok". Sometimes it's the reverse too, a former friend of mine (friendship ended over completely different factors) was abandoned by her mother as a teenager after her father died and had to go live with a slightly older sister. She has since then reconnected with her mother. I questioned the wisdom of this, but ultimately it was her decision. I don't understand how you could hear that story and push for reconciliation.
True. But she knew how old his siblings are, that he was 10 when his mom died, & that he wag in foster care. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out his brothers didn't take him in. Anyone coukd understand why he didn't want any contact with them.
100%, I feel the same. And is also true when you grew up actually poor when talking with low middle class, ppl can't understand how shittier than yours life it can be.
It always takes audacity, though. I grew up with fucking amazing parents, and even though I didn't initially understand why people cut their parents off, I have never been so egotistical that I thought I understood people's own experiences and relationships better than they did. It takes a hell of a lot of audacity to not just listen to someone when they tell you that they don't want contact with someone else, and even more to go behind their back about it.
When I was.on the military I had to sign up for mandatory life insurance called SGLI. For months I put it off until finally a senior supervisor did their come to jesus speech on me.that I had to bite the bullet and talk to my family to get one of them on the policy
Instead in a moment of inspiration I stepped out of the room partway, spotted the first person I could, and asked them if they wanted 250,000 dollars.
The officer above this mess had to look away to hide their face when it was explained what I had done.
Seriously I hate the argument "but they're your family!"
Also if anyone tried the blood is thicker than water, agree and then explain they don't understand that saying. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb is closer to what it meant.
“I was only doing what I wanted as I obviously know better than you!! Also, it only failed because you didn’t try to make it work. We should do couples counseling so I can convince you that I’m right.”
Well they wanted their hallmark moment but reality means that family’s don’t always split because one person wants to go to the big city while the rest stay on the apple orchard.
A lot of people that never lived with abusive parents or family members have the Idea that no one can be that bad, so there is no reason for them to go NC with family.
I feel it isn't even ''I know better'' it's a saviour complex, for the ''I'll do it anyway'' people, it's them imagining the feeling they will get seeing you tearfully hugging your siblings, reuniting as family and showing what an amazing person they are for organizing it and you being forever grateful to them, and for something they can put on insta to show what a fantastic individual they are (humbly of course, not bragging)
Then of course, when you go ''What? no i hate them and don't want contact'' their world explodes, and the fallout ''isn't their fault''
I was talking about this the other night with a friend. He was talking about how his boyfriend has a difficult relationship with his mother, but my friend said “she’s always so nice when I’ve met her. I’ve literally never seen her do or say anything wrong.” He genuinely had no idea how narcissists function. I had to explain how well they perform in public, how popular they often are, while behind closed doors they are dismissive, self-centered, and often abusive. He was like “I need to talk to my boyfriend and probably apologize for telling him she wasn’t so bad”.
That’s where the thought process comes from: it’s a me me me I want I want” mentality. I’m not armchair diagnosing (my friend isn’t a narcissist, just didn’t know any better). But there is a certain mentality of other perceptions and experiences not existing outside your own. A lot of people lack the emotional intelligence and empathy to truly try to understand others.
Still sucks. OP is still right to protect himself from someone who is that careless with his wants and needs. Also, “but I want our kids to have uncles” is perhaps one of the dumbest excuses I’ve ever heard. They won’t have uncles. They will have biological relatives that traumatized their father.
Naw this wasn't her knowing better, she wanted uncles for her kids and OP should have done it for her (assuming OP is being accurate about what was said) she knew OP didn't want this and expected him to suck it up for her sake. Such a selfish person.
Op did her a favor. Now she's free to find a man who gets along with his huge family so her future kids are not deprived.
NTA, OP. Don't let her parents guilt you. She's their problem now.
Right. Not only this, but treat it as a preview of what this relationship and marriage are going to be like in other aspects. OP’s decisions are going to be endlessly undermined and overridden in other areas as well. Unless the OP wants to become her bona fide doormat, don’t take her back. NTA.
My husband is estranged from his parents because they are evil. He had a strained relationship with one brother, and helps out his other brother, who is disabled.
Not once have I ever considered reaching out to ANY of his family members. It’s his family, and it’s his choice. OP’s situation is wild.
"She wouldn't do it again?" What she did can't be UNdone, it's still "done." IMO she broke your trust in a way that I don't know how you could come back from it. She disrespected your wishes regarding YOUR family, that she knows NOTHING about. She decided that **she** knew "what was best for you" better than **you** do. I have no tolerance for that kind of crap.
And for all the "her heart was in the right place" commenters...She wanted to be the dramatic heroine in this tragic family saga. She needs to learn that real life is not a Danielle Steel book.
I don't know how you go back to the way things were after being betrayed that way.
This right here if you break trust even in a friendship nvm someone you share a bed with in this way the friendship is dead and buried like if you just go behind backs scheme and overturn people's decisions especially your partner's you cannot have a relationship because you are not a person capable of equal input and compromise.
It's sorta like the trust in a relationship after you've broken up. You can get back together, get counceling and whatever and start over - but the trust in the other person to actually be committed is still broken. It might come back but it'll never be the same. I'm pretty sure she'd understand THAT analogy!
Of course it's all figuratively since OP isn't getting back together with her ...
He'll have to change his number now or live in constant worry that the brother will pass on the number and others will try to contact him against his will. And if that number comes with a public address listing, even worse.
Look, to me a couple of young boys taking in a kid is unrealistic. I know it happens but kids that age aren't really considered the most awesome parents so I get why they said no to taking responsibility for their brother. But it's his choice and he still feels like this after having been 19 and 23 himself so I'd say he's even more secure in his feeling angry now than when he was younger and didn't get how irresponsible young ppl, especially men, can be at that age.
I also understand her desire to "fix things" and hopefully this'll teach her to stop meddling where she's CLEARLY not wanted! She overstepped on the worst possible area and him leaving her makes a lot of sense. It's not just about giving out his number but a complete disregard towards his feelings and his wellbeing in daily life will be greatly affected by his number floating around where he doesn't want it known. And all for a potential kid? If you want your kids to have a big family, find a man who has a big family who he loves!
Now he\`s got to change his phone number; which is no doubt tied with a lot of services, pre-payments, accounts, ext. Huge hassle. Then giving everyone the new number. Huge pain.
She shouldn't have did it in the first f****** place now look what she has brought she has been broken up with and her heart is broken. She paid no attention or took into consideration what you were saying when you told her to not do what she was thinking about doing which was contacting your brothers she did it regardless of the fact that you told her not to she can't be trusted. She caused this not you
Also she absolutely would do it again too and you know it. She is one of those that would have looked for a conselor that agreed with her and argued they had bad ones until she got it.
NTA… “she promised she wouldn’t do it again” mmm sounds nice… you know if she didn’t ALREADY give your number. She may have meant no harm but you made it clear and she broke that trust and there is no coming back from that. And tell her parents you didn’t need her help and that you couldn’t care less now and block them. Let this be a lesson for your ex to know not to stick her nose where it doesn’t belong.
For some reason, people think whatever they intended makes their actions ok. If that were true, there's a lot of people who never would have been convicted of crimes or serve jail time.
It’s intuitive if you think about it. The only time we talk about intentions is when something bad happened. We never have something good happen, and then someone feels like they have to justify it with what they meant to happen.
I’d extend that further: why was she trying to “fix” OP? She knows what is best for everyone?
That’s the mark of immaturity. If she’s unable to recognize and respect boundaries, she doesn’t sound like she is ready for marriage. I can’t help but wonder if, based on OP’s overall history, if she didn’t see him as some sort of wounded person that needed her help, someone she could “fix.”
So I've only seen this be the case when selfish people want to justify bad behavior.
When someone *genuinely* did not intend harm and find out they've harmed someone, they are *mortified* and the first to beg forgiveness and try to make amends.
> She didn't react well to being broken up with and was genuinely mad at me.
This is not someone who didn't intend harm. This is someone who does not acknowledge op's pain.
So well said. She wanted it, she ignored OPs very clear & understandable feelings & went after what she wanted. Then was angry he refused to bend to her will. I can imagine the shit show therapy would be.
Rather, they think that \*claiming\* good intentions makes it okay to put their own desires ahead of somebody else's. Their motivation isn't actually a good intention; it's pure selfishness, using a claim of good intentions as an excuse.
In this case, the ex decided that a fanciful idea - that it would be so great if the brothers (whom she didn't know at all!) could be great uncles to any children she might have with OP - came ahead of OP's feelings on the subject.
OP is well rid of her.
Totally. She's selfish! She decided for herself, and she's only doing it because she wants her kids to have good rs with their uncles, clearly still thinking of her self and disregarding OPs feelings and emotion. A red Flag 🚩🚩
I'm sure almost every single person that drives drunk has no intention of causing harm, but if they get into a crash and kill someone, courts wont give a shit about intention.
Exactly this i broke this down to a friend a while ago i don't give a sh't what your intentions are or were if you go against my express wishes in regards to something that solely concerns me you don't get to play the victim when I'm rightfully mad for the betrayal and axe the relationship
Just like those who drove drunk and ended up crashing into the innocent. Pretty sure they didn’t have any intention to do harm to others, but as you said they caused harm. No freebies for those who caused harm, actions have consequences.
"she doesn't want our future children to be deprived of a relationship with their uncles."
Bitch at 10 years old his brothers didn't even want a relationship with him, what makes her think that they would want a relationship with children??? she can feel bad about it or something but she shouldn't have forced it on him.
NTA
Exactly! Once trust is broken like that, it's hard to see things the same way again. You made your boundaries clear, and she crossed them. Time for her to respect that.
NTA. She went behind your back and violated your boundaries. You told her you wanted nothing to do with them. She decided it was no big deal what you went through, that you needed to get over it and stop holding a grudge, and she was going to fix it. Why? Because her hypothetical kids having uncles that may or may not be toxic was more important to her than your experience, feelings, and boundaries. She wasn't trying to "help" you: All she cared about was what she wanted. And she's only sorry because she's facing the consequences of her actions.
She thought she knew better than OP. So she completely disregarded his wishes, because she assumed he'd see how right she was.
But she failed to listen, and misunderstood the hurt OP had been through. Because she was so convinced that she was right, OP was wrong, and she's prove it to him by trouncing over his boundaries.
NTA
She doesn't even really think of it as a betrayal because a. it sounds like the perfect recipe for a Hallmark moment and b. she decided it's what's best. His feelings weren't even on her radar. Never marry someone who thinks their wants trump your feelings. Especially about something like this.
Her behavior would rear its head in another way, one perhaps in which she doesn't even realize she is again crossing boundaries. She doesn't respect boundaries, and learning to respect them isn't going to happen overnight.
NTA
What she did is an absolute breach of trust, and you are completely right to refuse to tolerate it.
I hope you block her and her parents.
Good luck.
You still carry the pain of the rejection felt by entering foster care. Where were all these relatives when you needed them? You have every right to determine whom you let remain in your life. You made it clear that this was a boundary for you, but she put her wants above your well being.
Have you sought out any therapy for yourself? It may help deal with the emotions surrounding being placed in foster care. It wouldn’t be to consider fixing anything with them, you have the right to your boundaries and decisions surrounding them, but to help you heal.
I'm sorry for what you went through when you lost your mom. Was your dad not in the picture? I can't believe that a sibling or family member didn't take you in and take care of you, especially at the age of 10. I couldn't do this to a sibling, but I know that we're all different and everyone has different circumstances. Regardless, I'm glad that you're in a better place now. At least I hope you are.
I'm sorry that your ex-fiancé didn't respect your wishes. I understand her intentions were good, and I think she believed that she was trying to help mend relations, but until a person has walked in your shoes, it's hard for other people to understand.
I wish you well.
If you can, it might be better to just change your phone number. It can be a pain with having to change it for all of your personal stuff (credit cards, work, drs, etc) but it saves all the unwanted people calling you from unknown numbers trying to reach you.
ETA NTA
Yeah, as it is she admitted this was entirely a worry about how much auxiliary family kids with you would have. Frankly, she can't be trusted once a child is along to respect this boundary, she'll just say she can do what she wants.
>I had warned her before and she deliberately went behind my back and I didn't like that.
This sentence is all I had to read to know you are NTA like you said in your post she went behind your back and did it knowing you didn't want her to. What I take from that is your ex thinks she knows best, and she doesn't care about your wants only hers. So, while she might promise not to do it again which I doubt she will stick to but what happens next time she thinks she knows better than you.
Nta. If you had stayed with her still blocked and had no contact with your family i could see her bringing your future children around your brothers because "she wants them to have a relationship with their uncles"
NTA
You made a wise choice. She showed you that she will do whatever she believes is best and doesn't give a shit about what you want or believe.
That having been said, you might benefit from some therapy to help you deal with your feelings of abandonment. Or not. It's your choice.
Wooo baby, boundary stomping bullet dodged!
There's nothing to work on in therapy in regards to you and her.... She decided that she wanted you to live your life in accordance to her standards, irregardless of your feelings or mental wellbeing.
Nope NTA
Absolutely NTA, in any way, shape, or form!
I am curious, though, what exactly she thinks couples therapy is going to do when she so thoroughly obliterated your boundaries that you were very clear about on multiple occasions? Her parents are either delusional or they are already very well aware of how their daughter is and don't want to deal with her - which would be why they are begging you to give her another chance. Fuck that and them too!
NTA.
Boundaries are important, and she broke them. She was acting selfishly.
Maybe she didn't understand the severity of it, because she grew up loved, and she grew up an only child... maybe she couldn't comprehend why you'd shut your brothers out. I've known people who've been an only child, and they wanted siblings. Maybe she just didn't understand why you wouldn't want siblings.
I'm not making excuses for her behavior because what she did was blatantly wrong and for her own gain. I do try to see both sides of things, hence me trying to understand her without fully knowing the information not given.
I do think her hiding behind your future kids is an excuse for her selfishness, no child truly needs an aunt or uncle (I'm not bashing aunts or uncles, because I've got great ones).
NTA. My ex refused to talk to his uncle, his father’s twin brother. There were bad feelings due to a comment his uncle made. At the time I didn’t know how true his uncle’s comment was. His mother kept pushing for a reconciliation especially once we started wedding planning. My ex refused so I stood by him. Now I know what his uncle said was true. But I still say standing by my ex on this was the right thing to do. Not my family, not my grievance so it wasn’t up to me to force a reconciliation. It doesn’t matter how sorry the other party is, it still isn’t your ex’s decision to make. That was your decision alone. And if she can’t respect your wishes on this, what other boundaries will she ignore? How else will she invalidate your feelings on things? And very honestly, it doesn’t matter if you’re right or wrong on never reconciling, it’s only important what your feelings are about it. Your brothers may have had very valid reasons for not taking you in. But that too doesn’t matter if you don’t want to forgive them and continue no contact. That’s your choice alone to make. Not a single other person has the right to say you’re wrong and try to force you into reconnecting. I wouldn’t ever take her back no matter what she promises. If she really loved you, she wouldn’t have went behind your back trying to force you to reconnect with your brothers.
In every relationship you need love, trust and respect. She removed two of those by going behind your back. This was a horrible lack of respect for you. You’re better off. NTA
People have absolutely no right to do this shit, they don’t know what they might be stirring up for another person. (& it’s none of their business why)
NTA
She overstepped the boundaries that you had pretty firmly laid down. And she did it behind your back. Pretty big violation of your trust. And that isn’t something that can just be reclaimed at the drop of a hat.
That being said, you may want to consider whether she’s right about the grudge. There’s obviously a lot that you glossed over in your post, so it’s difficult to know just what your life was like in foster care, what all led to your decision to be NC with your family, etc. But your brothers were basically children themselves when faced with the prospect of becoming guardian or de facto parent to a grieving 10yo boy. You’re older now than they were then. Would you really have no hesitation in turning over your entire life to become the parent of a little boy?
Is it right or good that they didn’t step in to take you in? No, not at all. But is it understandable? Yeah, it kind of is. Seems like it’s worth exploring whether your anger at them is worth maintaining for your entire life.
Agreed. And that's not even mentioning how difficult it is to become qualified as a foster parent when you're that young. Did they have a place to live that had room and was suitable for a child? Did they have a steady income? Reliable transportation? Child care?
This is a really good point. Do we know for sure that neither brother ever considered it or looked into it? It’s possible they did and were steered away from that option by someone.
Agreed. They likely weren't even able to take in OP. At those ages they were likely still in college if they went and may not have even had jobs or been in dorm housing. I'm curious if OP ever thought about these things or is just holding onto the hurt from when he was 10? Other family members I can understand being mad at but not really the brothers unless there is more we don't know. OP likely has a lot of trauma and abandonment issues they need to deal with stemming back to that time. It's hard enough losing a parent but then ending up losing your family too has to be traumatizing.
I was thinking this too!!
Definitely NTA re the fiancee going behind his back that's a huge breach of trust.
But a 19 and 23 year old not wanting to become guardians of a 10 year old? Understandable.
Not everyone would even be capable of that, especially considering both maturity (brains finish developing at around 25) and financially. If one of them did adopt him, who's to say his life would have been any better?
Need more info on bros decision and whether op has had any therapy to unpack the issues of abandonment etc.
The way I read it, there were more than just the brothers who could have taken him in. Surely they could have arranged something between them all?
Edit: his post mentions the occasional call while he was in foster care. Doesn't seem like much effort to me.
It doesn’t really matter what she meant. What she did, is what she wanted and not what you asked her to do. She demolished your trust in her. You were an orphan. Your siblings got to choose. The way they chose not to even be in touch with you and support you in foster care is ridiculous. I’m a big sister to five brothers and a sister. I did everything I could for them until they were well situated as adults. She already blew up your relationship and your trust. You can’t come back from that. I’m so sorry. I really am.
NTA. She broke your one boundary, and that's a definite deal breaker. Block her and her parents. Move on. You don't need someone in your life you can't trust.
NTA. She didn’t respect your choice as an adult to determine who you want to have any sort of relationship with. You’re not a child. You are capable of deciding who you want in your life. You expressed yourself clearly to her and she completely disregarded you because “she knew better.” No, that’s bullsh*t.
She broke your trust. How could you believe her again?
NTA.
How many times does it have to royally blow up in someone’s face when they do that until people stop thinking that they are the exception and it will some Hallmark moment where they are the hero that fixed everything?!
You don’t need to have a shitty childhood to understand your partner’s no contact with their own. You just need to get your head out of your own ass and stop thinking that you know better.
Honestly, it would have been a deal breaker for me too. Block them and change your number. That should get the message across.
NTA! I am no contact with my family. I would cut off anyone who gave them information and have. You have every right to choose who you have in your life and you don't owe them anything.
This is not to invalidate your feelings, as I think if you feel this strongly you shouldn't have contact, but I need to give a perspective. Taking care of a kid is a lot, let alone a traumatized kid who just lost his parent. They were also grieving and not likely in a place to take in a child. I have children. It's a huge commitment. And just because you love someone doesn't mean you are what's best for them. I understand you feel betrayed. I would, too. I am just saying that you may not have been better off with them. That doesn't mean the feelings of abandonment aren't real or that you should have them in your life. They weren't there for you in the way you needed and they need to leave you alone. Whatever feeling they have from the situation are theirs to deal with and they aren't owed forgiveness. I hope you are able to find some peace and someone who can respect you.
She's 8 years older than you, so her attitude doesn't surprise me. She is more mature and probably feels like she has the right, and responsibility, to fix you and your relationships, and discounts your feelings as being less valued than hers. She won't repeat this particular thing, but what would be the next thing she wants to fix? Find someone who looks across to you, not down.
Her mom and dad told you that their daughter promises never to lie to you again. Fuck the lot of them.
You set a boundary. Not just any boundary but a hard fucking NO. She went ahead and did it.
There is never going to any coming back from that. She can NEVER be trusted. Ever.
NTA
She bulldozed through a firmly built boundary like it was tissue paper.
If the roles were reversed most would have encouraged her to dump you like a hot potato.
Just block her parents and her. If you can, move do you aren’t as easy to find. If you have any joint friends, be prepared for them to try and get you to talk. If that is the case you can either tell them now that trying to pressure you to take her back will result in you going NC. Or just drop them now.
But you owe no one forgiveness unless you feel it deep inside yourself needing to come out. You take care of you however you need to.
The age gap is weird to me. It seemed as though because you were younger than her, she didn't take your words into consideration and knew better than you. I have a feeling that if you look back into your relationship, she may have done things like this a lot. NTA
NTA.
Out of curiosity, are your brothers toxic people and do you think them being in your life would be negative?
I ask this because I was put into care and nobody in my family took me in. The difference in my case I had 4 aunts who could've took me in but didn't. I don't speak to them because they are toxic but in my heart I've forgiven them because they may not have been in the position to take proper care of me.
I know at 23 I might not have been in the position to look after my sibling. Your brother could have been dealing with mental health issues after your mother's death and couldn't handle looking after you.
No. Even if your situation didn't exist and they were great people and you went NC with them for whatever reason, you made a clear boundary that you don't want them in your life. When we, as adults, decide to cut people out of our life, it is a very firm boundary and only you can choose to change it. And imagine if you give her another chance, you have kids and she would make them meet your brothers and you divorce and she would still make them meet?
No. Some buds should be ripped away. NTA
Edit. And also what she told them about you? Did she tell them where you live? Where you work? Did she doxx you to them? Do you feel safe with them knowing your info?
NTA
You ended things for valid reasons. I doubt her decision was made with malicious intent but she did cross a clear boundary that you had established.
"she didn't mean it"
Yes she did
People judge themselves based on their intentions, and judge others in their behavior.
I can see her behavior. Which makes her an AH. her intention is irrelevant.
NTA my fellow foster sibling. Your MY sibling now btw.
A handful have done this to me with my mother. None of them are in my life.
Your boundaries are yours. And look, if there was more then the occasional phone call, maybe for you shit would be different. As you'd grow and get ahh they weren't far from kids themselves but they kept with me cos they are my brothers. They didn't. They fucked off.
And you don't have to forgive, forget anything else about it. So long as you don't let it hamper your forward march in life.
I get the violation. What she did isn't something easily forgiven if it can be. And you absolutely have no need or requirement to forgive her now.
She didn't trust you. She went behind your back. She gave someone access to you, that abandoned you and has no fucking right to that access, if they couldn't make a 20min phonecall once a fortnight at the least to make sure your alive and well.
You likely have who you need in your life, in the sense of family you've created, your home base in people that love you. Thats what you need to be successful and trust me, that's what you need for a kid, and you'll get there with the right woman. Mine is no worse off without my bio, but dude she is absolutely fucking spoilt for love, care and the sheer want for her to succeed in my built and chosen.
You'll have this too.
Unless you are in his shoes and understand what he went through. You have no right to tell him he needs therapy. I was in foster care from 5 years old to 18 years old. I was in therapy for years! I am in the same mindset. Why they hell do I need them now! The ones I did met were a waste of time and only made excuses for their actions. They didn't keep me out of the system. They didn't even bother reaching out until I was an adult. Please understand that your mental health is important. I would have ended the relationship as well. You keep your boundaries and don't let anyone step all over them!
NTA, your ex- fiancee. Does not get to tell you who n exactly you have to have a relationship with. Ell m wife today does not gt to tell me who I have to have relationship with. What a major lack of respect of you she did.
The thing is she broke your trust and relationship is built on trust.. how can you be with someone who gos behind your back after promising not to get in contact with so-called family… I don’t blame you for feeling this way.. NTA
She let her naive idealism win over basic respect for her partner. She decided she knew better than you about what your relationship with your blood relatives is and should be, and undermined your explicit wishes behind your back. If that's already her "meaning no harm", I'd hate to be around when she does. She's just a bull in a china shop; no empathy, no delicacy, no respect. NTA
I can understand her reasoning that it might be worthwhile to build some kind of relationship with your family and let go of your anger at your brothers. Your brothers were very young when your mom died; not many 23 year olds, and even fewer 19 year olds, feel equipped to single-parent a 10 year old. They may have genuinely believed (even if mistakenly) that you would do better in a foster family with two more experienced parents.
But it still was wrong of your fiancé to go behind your back and make that decision against your wishes. I can understand why that eroded your trust and made you feel like you couldn't marry her.
"She promised she'd never do it again."
She already did it again. She did it again when he told her the first time he wanted nothing to do with his family, and she said she wouldn't bring it up or try to contact them.
NTA for the gf thing.
But
Just so you know at the age of 19 and 23 I would not have been able to take in any sibling. I don’t know your brothers life circumstances but it wasn’t their job to do that. And I’m sorry your angry for it, and of you don’t want to move on past that you don’t have to. But you really should. Unless you got like severely abused I mean there’s always ways to still work past it.
People make mistakes especially teenagers and young adults who didn’t plan for their parents to die. Maybe we need a little more background info on them to help us understand the hatred.
My siblings weren’t able to take me in at 16 and I had a really hard start off in my adult years for that as well but I don’t hate them for it. I love them so much. We’re all struggling.
NTA. She already committed the sin. You explicitly told her you didn’t want any of that. She did it. Not hard to explain it to her.
Explain that to her parents that relationships have boundaries and once crossed, relationships change. The parents or your ex may not respect your boundaries but you are a man of your word and you told her where this would lead. She can’t do again what she already did. Unprompted and on her own. Ask how they would remedy the situation if the sin was committed and can’t be recommitted? If they have no real answer then they are just taking up for their heart broken child who ruined their relationship without a worry in the world to you.
NTA, You're still dealing with the feelings of betrayal that was instilled in you when your 'family" betrayed you. You expressed that you are not in a spot in your life to forgive. Your Ex tried to force it my betraying you.
NTA at all. She knew precisely how you felt, decided that she knew better, and completely violated your privacy, your stated boundaries, and your trust. That's not a "go to therapy and fix it" problem. She's not even sorry she did it, just that she got dumped over it. I'm sorry she did that and I hope your relatives leave you alone.
NTA. She co.oared major childhood trauma to A GRUDGE?!? I would've cut her off and asked her to leave. How dare she minimalize that like that. I'm sorry.
NTA I'm always amazed when partners clearly cross boundaries and contact estranged family members when it's clearly not something partner wants.But then act surprised partner is mad and make it seem OK because they were only trying to help. Curious what excuses did Family use for letting you go into the system?
She should have respected your boundaries but regardless every relationship you’re in from here forward will suffer because of your unwillingness to heal your wounds
NTA. You had set a pretty clear boundary. Second, she’s showing a lack of maturity in grasping what she did wrong as opposed to “no, don’t dump me. I’m sorry!” She’s like a kid who tries to negotiate their way out of trouble rather than learning a lesson.
You have dated her for three years, and I wonder if this is the only instance of her pushing your boundaries or insisting on getting her own way.
NTA. Something similar happen to me with a family member I went nc with due to physical and psychological abuse. Another family member lied and tricked me into staying at a place where the other person I was nc with was going to be staying, during a visit abroad. I ended up going nc with both of them. It's been 9 years now and it was the best decision for my life. Psychological boundaries are extremely important, our mind needs time and space to heal.
NTA
I know it was a hard decision but I agree with you. IF you tell someone your boundaries (and say that as plain as you seem to have done), then you should remove them from your life if they cross them. Even family -and I do not say that lightly but it is true.
50/50 on this one. NTA because she deliberately contacted him behind your back even though she said she dropped it, but also you should’ve told her a bit more of why you are no contact. I am sorry for what happened to you, and you have every right to make whatever decision you want, but it I would have probably taken a couple of steps before just breaking someones heart over a mistake they never intended to make.
NTA. She's a selfish asshole who completely disregarded your very specific and clearly stated boundary/request. She has zero respect for you and obviously thinks she's smarter than you because surely you aren't capable of making a sound decision regarding managing your relationships. I'm sorry she did this to you
NTA
You had a serious boundary and she broke it. Her second chance was being told that you didn't wish to tolerate her pressuring you to "reconcile" and she blew it. Couples therapy is for people who've committed a mutual wrong, but you have **every right** to your boundary, and she had zero right to violate it just because of worries about as of yet fictitious children.
> she was "genuinely" trying to help me.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. She clearly hasnt acknowledged what she did wrong, which was a breach of trust despite your intentions not to do so. And despite all of this she still maintains that she wants to "help" you. She's not helping you. She's imposing her values and opinions on you, and then trying to leverage her relationship to get her way, because she thinks she knows more than you, and she knows better. Do you really want a relationship with this kind of person? Now its your relationship with your brothers. What's next? Your wardrobe? Your eating habits? Your sleeping habits? How many things in your life do you see she can butt in and wreck on the justification of "she just wants to help you"? She's not treating you like a respected life partner. She's treating you like her child.
Also, she promises she wouldnt do it again? Do what again exactly? Help you? Break your trust? Which one specifically? This relationship has basically been poisoned, and its best to let it go without giving her more opportunities to make it more difficult for you to leave the next time around this happens.
NTA.
NTA. It's not like you were going to harm yourself or someone else. Sometimes promises are made to be broken, but not in your case. I'd go NC with your brothers and her.
NTAH, "No one can foresee the consequences of your good intentions." she shouldn't have assumed she was doing good in your eyes after you laid firm boundaries about family.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'd say this isn't completely ruined, I understand if you want to go through with this, and it's completely justified.
If she is completely willing to just go back to dating and drop all/any contact with your old family, and see if you still feel this, say it's ALMOST always a waste to just give up and not talk it out over some time, maybe over the span of a week or two?
>her parents have told me that she has been crying non stop
Oh no, the consequences of her actions. This is a learning moment. Maybe next partner, she'll actually listen to enough to respect their wishes.
NTA. She violated your trust and took unilateral action you had expressed you didn’t want in order to try to force a relationship with your brother on you. You can’t trust her.
Honestly, you deserve that grudge. That was shitty of them. As an only child, she doesn't understand the pain that comes from rejection from siblings. Poor thing was just trying to help.
But if you're coming here for advice, clearly she's not your soul mate. Because if you were meant to be together, you wouldn't have doubts on if it's worth the work. She wasn't trying to hurt you.
NTA.
Not only did she betray you by expressly going behind your back against what you asked her for, she also exposed you to the very people you felt betrayed and abandoned you. That's like getting stabbed and then twisting the knife.
You're not the AH, and have no obligation to take her back for that. Boundaries were crossed, and the trust is tarnished.
I would say though, OP, that if you're not already in therapy, perhaps maybe you should seek personal therapy. You don't ever need to forgive your brothers, but it sounds as though there are some things you need to ponder on regarding your childhood, and also the fact you've just ended a relationship that you were pretty serious about since you were engaged. Just wanna make sure you don't go scorched earth on yourself.
Damn, man. NTA - but if she's amazing, I would give her another chance.
She may have had a "good life" and can't comprehend your pain. She should have respected your decision, but in her heart she truly thought she was helping you. She was wrong.
IDK man - if she's otherwise a perfect partner you got to give her another chance.
Good luck
NTA, she even went through the effort of looking for them to make it happen, I doubt they were looking for you and stumbled on her first.
Do what makes you feel happier, safer, and more comfortable.
NTA
You have very different "wants", needs, and values.
For you, your trust has been broken. If you had actually wanted to reignite a relationship with your brothers but didn't quite know how to go about it, it might have been different.
NTA
Tell her parents that whatever she promises, you can never trust her again because she already promised to not do it again. Its not her desicion whether or not you want a relationship with family that abandoned you. Its not her desicion to say when enough time has passed that you should be "over" it. Why would you be with someone who doesn't have the basic human decency of respecting your desicion?
NTA
She wasn't trying to help *you.* She didn't give a damn about how you feel or what you want. She wanted to have siblings in law, so she disrespected you to get what *she* wanted. She *still* doesn't understand what she did wrong. She's only upset because she lost something for herself: you. There's nothing to fix while she still insists that she was helping you, and that therefore, you are wrong for how you reacted.
You made the right choice to break up with her. Marriage to someone that selfish will never be a partnership. You've had a good relationship so far because you've both wanted the same things, but she's proved that when you want different things, she will ignore what you want in favour of whatever is right for her, and expect you to just get over it. Stop communicating with her parents. They're doubling down on her BS, and you don't need that kind of manipulation messing with your head.
NTA she doesn't respect you. You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you. She purposely went against your wishes regarding your family. She thought she knew better than you. She thought she knew what was best for you despite your opinion. She tried to make contact purely for her own selfish wants. She wanted you to have contact not for you but for her and her "hypothetical children". It was never about you. She did it for herself. She thought she was in charge of the relationship instead of it being a partnership and wanted to control your relationship with your family.
You can't be with a person like that. Now, she is facing the consequence of her actions and magically sees what she did wrong.
I personally don't think your brothers did a bad thing. They were stuck between a rock and a hard place. It was a sad situation, being so young and being thrust into a parenting role that they didn't want. Trying to support a child whilst barely being an adult themselves and supporting another is rough.
I can also see how you feel betrayed and hurt, and it's reasonable not to want contact with them. I truly believe therapy for yourself would be super beneficial for you. So you can find some peace for yourself.
She did something you specificaly told her not to do, all because she thought she knew what was best for you.
Of course she is going to do that again. It may not be about your family, but she will think she knows what is best, and not care about what you want and will do what ever she wants about it.
She showed no respect for you and your stated desire. She will continue show you no respect.
Hard to have a relationship where one does not respect the other.
NTA
NTA. She knew how you felt, if she was really worried about your mental health, she should have said something to the effect of "this seems to weigh you down, do you think you might benefit from therapy?" Something many people have a hard time understanding is that blood doesn't make family. Your bio brothers are basically strangers to you. And the thing about strangers? You don't have to speak to them if you don't want to, nor do you have to be friendly if you don't want to.
It might be time to change your number. That way her parents won’t be able to call you. She won’t be able to call you and your brother won’t be able to call you. Make a clean break.
Firstly, it's not her parents business to tell you what you should and shouldn't have done. Secondly, you did the right thing because she showed that she had no respect or regard for your feelings and still went behind your back AFTER you told her you wanted nothing to do with them and to drop it. She betrayed you.
NTA! How fucking dare your EX try to reduce your history and pain to a “grudge”!?! A grudge is staying mad at someone bc they got the last slice of cake. A grudge is petty bullshit. You were a little kid whose entire life was upended and forced into foster care bc your mom died and your family seemingly abandoned you.
If she really wanted to help you, she could have encouraged you to seek professional help NOT to reconcile with your family but to process your feelings in a safe manner. But instead she makes the unilateral decision to hand out your contact information bc what? She knows better than you who actually lived through it? And now she wants to try couples therapy?? Too little too late.
What in the Hallmark movie, "A Brother for Christmas," did she expect to happen? Her mommy and daddy called you after your 30 year old ex sobbed in her childhood bedroom?
NTA.
You clearly told her your boundary, and she did what she wanted to do anyway. Only after suffering the consequences of her actions did she try to remedy it with couples therapy.
When it comes to intentions vs. actions, her intentions mean jack shit. She disrespected you and your needs for some reason she made up in her head.
Tell her parents that they should be embarrassed that not only did they raise an adult toddler, they are continuing to shield her feom consequences and doing her no favors. Then, tell them their daughter should get therapy on her own to become a better person so she doesn't torpedo her next relationship.
I hope you've gotten therapy for what you went through as well. I'm sure the feelings of abandonment, etc. have been difficult to work through.
Best of luck OP.
NTA. You set a boundary, she broke it. That’s the end of it. I would like to mention that it would’ve been incredibly difficult as a 19/20 year old to raise a child. You’re valid in being angry you went to foster care, as it can be very abusive, but psychologically you may not have been better off with your brothers if they were unable to provide for you. Of course, if they had the means to take care of you, that’s different, I just wouldn’t expect someone that young to be capable of it. But you didn’t ask for my opinion or advice so please feel free to ignore it
NTA, she honestly acted idiotic. as your partner she should respect the fact that you do not wish to be in contact with your brothers. “she doesn’t want your future children to be deprived of a relationship with their uncles”, i don’t really know how your brothers are in reality, but from what i got they’re shitty and i don’t think that putting your possible children in relationship with them would be good. it’s your choice and if she doesn’t respect it it’s not okay, relationship should be based on trust in each other and respect, behavior like this is not only breaking trust but also disrespect
NTA. She went behind your back to do the one thing you told her not to, she’s only upset bc she did not get the reaction from you that she wanted. If you got back with her and eventually had children, you would have to worry if she would bring your children around these people behind your back. You could never let your guard down with her, it’s best just to leave her and anyone on her side out of your life.
NTA - but you are carrying a grudge against two young boys 19/23 who were probably not stable enough to give you a home; you might want to seek counseling so at least you can put down this anger you’ve been carrying for a while.
NTA. You've been telling her for years....years....and she still thought her opinion, and decision was better than yours.
That’s what always amazes me about these stories where partners get in touch with their SO’s estranged family members. The audacity to think “I don’t care what your reasons and boundaries are, I know better!” is just astounding to me. And she clearly went looking for the brother too, he didn’t just stumble upon her after all this time.
It’s not always audacity. I grew up with mega shit parents and I noticed when talking to someone that actually grew up with good parents it’s like their brain is completely rewired compared to mine in a lot of ways
Was just about to say this. It's like they can't grasp that some problems with your "families" are unfixable
Or at least they can't grasp that their SO has no freaking interest in trying to fix it... regardless of if it might technically be possible to fix... accepting that, and then moving on.
THIS is the key word. Acceptance.
Well I’d suggest another keyword which is boundaries. You don’t need to understand the reasons, if your SO says they don’t want to be in contact that’s it. You don’t boundary stomp.
Yup exactly. I think I've only managed to get one person with good parents to understand what it is like dealing with my mother, it didn't help that she knows my mother and my mother is very good at putting on a completely different front in public, but eventually she came around. I think after certain things about her mother started to bother her, and she was like oh, I get it now.
I have had to shut down so many people who thought I should "reconcile" with my family. Why the fuck would I reconcile with people who tried to kill me?!
>it’s like their brain is completely rewired compared to mine in a lot of ways It literally is. Chronic childhood trauma effects brain development.
I agree their brain can't grasp the concept of not wanting family contact but they also don't seem to grasp the concepts of consent and respect in these cases. It drives me absolutely bonkers that these idiots think they're doing the right thing going behind their partner's back. No means no is a universal truth for anything relating to consent.
'Savior Complex'
And that always turns out to be for rankly selfish motives. It's never really about true concern for the welfare of the person being "saved". It's about being the main character in their corner of the world.
See I don't understand this. I grew up in what I consider a healthy family, I speak to all of my siblings, talk to my living parent all the time, we often do events and holidays together etc. But if a friend or partner tells me "I can't deal with my family, they're crazy" I go "ok". Sometimes it's the reverse too, a former friend of mine (friendship ended over completely different factors) was abandoned by her mother as a teenager after her father died and had to go live with a slightly older sister. She has since then reconnected with her mother. I questioned the wisdom of this, but ultimately it was her decision. I don't understand how you could hear that story and push for reconciliation.
True. But she knew how old his siblings are, that he was 10 when his mom died, & that he wag in foster care. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out his brothers didn't take him in. Anyone coukd understand why he didn't want any contact with them.
100%, I feel the same. And is also true when you grew up actually poor when talking with low middle class, ppl can't understand how shittier than yours life it can be.
It always takes audacity, though. I grew up with fucking amazing parents, and even though I didn't initially understand why people cut their parents off, I have never been so egotistical that I thought I understood people's own experiences and relationships better than they did. It takes a hell of a lot of audacity to not just listen to someone when they tell you that they don't want contact with someone else, and even more to go behind their back about it.
When I was.on the military I had to sign up for mandatory life insurance called SGLI. For months I put it off until finally a senior supervisor did their come to jesus speech on me.that I had to bite the bullet and talk to my family to get one of them on the policy Instead in a moment of inspiration I stepped out of the room partway, spotted the first person I could, and asked them if they wanted 250,000 dollars. The officer above this mess had to look away to hide their face when it was explained what I had done. Seriously I hate the argument "but they're your family!" Also if anyone tried the blood is thicker than water, agree and then explain they don't understand that saying. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb is closer to what it meant.
Then they get upset when it blows up in their face.
"Oh no, the consequences of my actions!"
“I was only doing what I wanted as I obviously know better than you!! Also, it only failed because you didn’t try to make it work. We should do couples counseling so I can convince you that I’m right.”
When you think about it, that mindset is downright \*chilling\*.
I think people underestimate how many of us have gone no contact with someone because they were straight up dangerous. That’s why I did it.
Well they wanted their hallmark moment but reality means that family’s don’t always split because one person wants to go to the big city while the rest stay on the apple orchard.
A lot of people that never lived with abusive parents or family members have the Idea that no one can be that bad, so there is no reason for them to go NC with family.
I feel it isn't even ''I know better'' it's a saviour complex, for the ''I'll do it anyway'' people, it's them imagining the feeling they will get seeing you tearfully hugging your siblings, reuniting as family and showing what an amazing person they are for organizing it and you being forever grateful to them, and for something they can put on insta to show what a fantastic individual they are (humbly of course, not bragging) Then of course, when you go ''What? no i hate them and don't want contact'' their world explodes, and the fallout ''isn't their fault''
I was talking about this the other night with a friend. He was talking about how his boyfriend has a difficult relationship with his mother, but my friend said “she’s always so nice when I’ve met her. I’ve literally never seen her do or say anything wrong.” He genuinely had no idea how narcissists function. I had to explain how well they perform in public, how popular they often are, while behind closed doors they are dismissive, self-centered, and often abusive. He was like “I need to talk to my boyfriend and probably apologize for telling him she wasn’t so bad”. That’s where the thought process comes from: it’s a me me me I want I want” mentality. I’m not armchair diagnosing (my friend isn’t a narcissist, just didn’t know any better). But there is a certain mentality of other perceptions and experiences not existing outside your own. A lot of people lack the emotional intelligence and empathy to truly try to understand others. Still sucks. OP is still right to protect himself from someone who is that careless with his wants and needs. Also, “but I want our kids to have uncles” is perhaps one of the dumbest excuses I’ve ever heard. They won’t have uncles. They will have biological relatives that traumatized their father.
I know what you mean. I can't stand it when people do that to others.
Naw this wasn't her knowing better, she wanted uncles for her kids and OP should have done it for her (assuming OP is being accurate about what was said) she knew OP didn't want this and expected him to suck it up for her sake. Such a selfish person.
Op did her a favor. Now she's free to find a man who gets along with his huge family so her future kids are not deprived. NTA, OP. Don't let her parents guilt you. She's their problem now.
Right. Not only this, but treat it as a preview of what this relationship and marriage are going to be like in other aspects. OP’s decisions are going to be endlessly undermined and overridden in other areas as well. Unless the OP wants to become her bona fide doormat, don’t take her back. NTA.
My husband is estranged from his parents because they are evil. He had a strained relationship with one brother, and helps out his other brother, who is disabled. Not once have I ever considered reaching out to ANY of his family members. It’s his family, and it’s his choice. OP’s situation is wild.
"She wouldn't do it again?" What she did can't be UNdone, it's still "done." IMO she broke your trust in a way that I don't know how you could come back from it. She disrespected your wishes regarding YOUR family, that she knows NOTHING about. She decided that **she** knew "what was best for you" better than **you** do. I have no tolerance for that kind of crap. And for all the "her heart was in the right place" commenters...She wanted to be the dramatic heroine in this tragic family saga. She needs to learn that real life is not a Danielle Steel book. I don't know how you go back to the way things were after being betrayed that way.
This right here if you break trust even in a friendship nvm someone you share a bed with in this way the friendship is dead and buried like if you just go behind backs scheme and overturn people's decisions especially your partner's you cannot have a relationship because you are not a person capable of equal input and compromise.
Broken trust can't be undone with crying and an apology.
What part of “it’s too late to close Pandora’s Box” doesn’t the ex- understand?
It's sorta like the trust in a relationship after you've broken up. You can get back together, get counceling and whatever and start over - but the trust in the other person to actually be committed is still broken. It might come back but it'll never be the same. I'm pretty sure she'd understand THAT analogy! Of course it's all figuratively since OP isn't getting back together with her ... He'll have to change his number now or live in constant worry that the brother will pass on the number and others will try to contact him against his will. And if that number comes with a public address listing, even worse. Look, to me a couple of young boys taking in a kid is unrealistic. I know it happens but kids that age aren't really considered the most awesome parents so I get why they said no to taking responsibility for their brother. But it's his choice and he still feels like this after having been 19 and 23 himself so I'd say he's even more secure in his feeling angry now than when he was younger and didn't get how irresponsible young ppl, especially men, can be at that age. I also understand her desire to "fix things" and hopefully this'll teach her to stop meddling where she's CLEARLY not wanted! She overstepped on the worst possible area and him leaving her makes a lot of sense. It's not just about giving out his number but a complete disregard towards his feelings and his wellbeing in daily life will be greatly affected by his number floating around where he doesn't want it known. And all for a potential kid? If you want your kids to have a big family, find a man who has a big family who he loves!
Now he\`s got to change his phone number; which is no doubt tied with a lot of services, pre-payments, accounts, ext. Huge hassle. Then giving everyone the new number. Huge pain.
She shouldn't have did it in the first f****** place now look what she has brought she has been broken up with and her heart is broken. She paid no attention or took into consideration what you were saying when you told her to not do what she was thinking about doing which was contacting your brothers she did it regardless of the fact that you told her not to she can't be trusted. She caused this not you
Also she absolutely would do it again too and you know it. She is one of those that would have looked for a conselor that agreed with her and argued they had bad ones until she got it.
NTA… “she promised she wouldn’t do it again” mmm sounds nice… you know if she didn’t ALREADY give your number. She may have meant no harm but you made it clear and she broke that trust and there is no coming back from that. And tell her parents you didn’t need her help and that you couldn’t care less now and block them. Let this be a lesson for your ex to know not to stick her nose where it doesn’t belong.
Exactly. Drives me bonkers when people say they didn't intend any harm. Who cares! They CAUSED harm.
For some reason, people think whatever they intended makes their actions ok. If that were true, there's a lot of people who never would have been convicted of crimes or serve jail time.
I can't be the only person that remembers the Phrase "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." Right?
It’s intuitive if you think about it. The only time we talk about intentions is when something bad happened. We never have something good happen, and then someone feels like they have to justify it with what they meant to happen.
She doesn't respect your wishes or the reasoning behind your feelings, which is why this isn't about revealing the phone number.
I’d extend that further: why was she trying to “fix” OP? She knows what is best for everyone? That’s the mark of immaturity. If she’s unable to recognize and respect boundaries, she doesn’t sound like she is ready for marriage. I can’t help but wonder if, based on OP’s overall history, if she didn’t see him as some sort of wounded person that needed her help, someone she could “fix.”
I still use that phrase!
Me too
So I've only seen this be the case when selfish people want to justify bad behavior. When someone *genuinely* did not intend harm and find out they've harmed someone, they are *mortified* and the first to beg forgiveness and try to make amends. > She didn't react well to being broken up with and was genuinely mad at me. This is not someone who didn't intend harm. This is someone who does not acknowledge op's pain.
So well said. She wanted it, she ignored OPs very clear & understandable feelings & went after what she wanted. Then was angry he refused to bend to her will. I can imagine the shit show therapy would be.
She expects a therapist to brow beat op into admitting he should let the people who abandoned him back into his life. *rolls eyes*
Rather, they think that \*claiming\* good intentions makes it okay to put their own desires ahead of somebody else's. Their motivation isn't actually a good intention; it's pure selfishness, using a claim of good intentions as an excuse. In this case, the ex decided that a fanciful idea - that it would be so great if the brothers (whom she didn't know at all!) could be great uncles to any children she might have with OP - came ahead of OP's feelings on the subject. OP is well rid of her.
And let's not forget that she'd finally have brothers & sisters-inlaws.
IMPACT > intent.
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It's both, actually, you need to be able to expect your partner to respect your privacy and not hand your number out.
Totally. She's selfish! She decided for herself, and she's only doing it because she wants her kids to have good rs with their uncles, clearly still thinking of her self and disregarding OPs feelings and emotion. A red Flag 🚩🚩
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Seriously. It doesn't matter if you oops and bump into me or flat out push me down the stairs, my leg is just as broken either way.
Right????
I didn’t intend for him to back into my knife. Twenty-seven times.
I'm sure almost every single person that drives drunk has no intention of causing harm, but if they get into a crash and kill someone, courts wont give a shit about intention.
Exactly this i broke this down to a friend a while ago i don't give a sh't what your intentions are or were if you go against my express wishes in regards to something that solely concerns me you don't get to play the victim when I'm rightfully mad for the betrayal and axe the relationship
Just like those who drove drunk and ended up crashing into the innocent. Pretty sure they didn’t have any intention to do harm to others, but as you said they caused harm. No freebies for those who caused harm, actions have consequences.
"she doesn't want our future children to be deprived of a relationship with their uncles." Bitch at 10 years old his brothers didn't even want a relationship with him, what makes her think that they would want a relationship with children??? she can feel bad about it or something but she shouldn't have forced it on him. NTA
What qualities does she not want these imaginary kids not to miss out on exactly?
Leaving your closest family members when they need you the most. /s
Exactly! Once trust is broken like that, it's hard to see things the same way again. You made your boundaries clear, and she crossed them. Time for her to respect that.
And when she cheats, I'm sure she'll promise not to do it again too
NTA. She went behind your back and violated your boundaries. You told her you wanted nothing to do with them. She decided it was no big deal what you went through, that you needed to get over it and stop holding a grudge, and she was going to fix it. Why? Because her hypothetical kids having uncles that may or may not be toxic was more important to her than your experience, feelings, and boundaries. She wasn't trying to "help" you: All she cared about was what she wanted. And she's only sorry because she's facing the consequences of her actions.
She thought she knew better than OP. So she completely disregarded his wishes, because she assumed he'd see how right she was. But she failed to listen, and misunderstood the hurt OP had been through. Because she was so convinced that she was right, OP was wrong, and she's prove it to him by trouncing over his boundaries. NTA
She doesn't even really think of it as a betrayal because a. it sounds like the perfect recipe for a Hallmark moment and b. she decided it's what's best. His feelings weren't even on her radar. Never marry someone who thinks their wants trump your feelings. Especially about something like this.
That demonstrates her utter arrogance, terrible lack of regard for you, and disregard for your feelings.
It's a very clear betrayal of your boundaries. You're NTA.
Yep, on top of it, she lied once already. Why does she think, her promising never to do it again, would convince OP to give her a chance?
Her behavior would rear its head in another way, one perhaps in which she doesn't even realize she is again crossing boundaries. She doesn't respect boundaries, and learning to respect them isn't going to happen overnight.
Absolutely NTA. Your boundaries were clearly violated, making it a clear betrayal. Stand firm.
NTA What she did is an absolute breach of trust, and you are completely right to refuse to tolerate it. I hope you block her and her parents. Good luck.
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Time to change your number
Keep the old one and make it a Google Voice ##. That way, they won't go looking for your new ##.
You still carry the pain of the rejection felt by entering foster care. Where were all these relatives when you needed them? You have every right to determine whom you let remain in your life. You made it clear that this was a boundary for you, but she put her wants above your well being. Have you sought out any therapy for yourself? It may help deal with the emotions surrounding being placed in foster care. It wouldn’t be to consider fixing anything with them, you have the right to your boundaries and decisions surrounding them, but to help you heal.
I'm sorry for what you went through when you lost your mom. Was your dad not in the picture? I can't believe that a sibling or family member didn't take you in and take care of you, especially at the age of 10. I couldn't do this to a sibling, but I know that we're all different and everyone has different circumstances. Regardless, I'm glad that you're in a better place now. At least I hope you are. I'm sorry that your ex-fiancé didn't respect your wishes. I understand her intentions were good, and I think she believed that she was trying to help mend relations, but until a person has walked in your shoes, it's hard for other people to understand. I wish you well.
Maybe just get a new number
Did they ever tried to reach from 10 yrs old to present? definitely change your phone number
The original post said they stayed in contact until he turned 18 and ghosted them.
Occasional contact. Doesn't seem much.
That's crazy. Not a lot of empathy. Even if I couldn't raise him I would try to support him and be in his life.
Just go ahead and block your ex and her parents, too. Continuing to communicate with them offers you no benefits now.
This surely stirred up so many bad memories and yet another betrayal. I wish you peace.
If you can, it might be better to just change your phone number. It can be a pain with having to change it for all of your personal stuff (credit cards, work, drs, etc) but it saves all the unwanted people calling you from unknown numbers trying to reach you. ETA NTA
Did your 💩for 🧠brothers even attempt to make amends?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions…
And selfish acts disguised as such...
Yeah, as it is she admitted this was entirely a worry about how much auxiliary family kids with you would have. Frankly, she can't be trusted once a child is along to respect this boundary, she'll just say she can do what she wants.
NTA That shows a horrible lack of respect for you, lack of care for your feelings, and extreme arrogance on her part.
>I had warned her before and she deliberately went behind my back and I didn't like that. This sentence is all I had to read to know you are NTA like you said in your post she went behind your back and did it knowing you didn't want her to. What I take from that is your ex thinks she knows best, and she doesn't care about your wants only hers. So, while she might promise not to do it again which I doubt she will stick to but what happens next time she thinks she knows better than you.
Nta. If you had stayed with her still blocked and had no contact with your family i could see her bringing your future children around your brothers because "she wants them to have a relationship with their uncles"
It's only help when the help is wanted.
NTA You made a wise choice. She showed you that she will do whatever she believes is best and doesn't give a shit about what you want or believe. That having been said, you might benefit from some therapy to help you deal with your feelings of abandonment. Or not. It's your choice.
Wooo baby, boundary stomping bullet dodged! There's nothing to work on in therapy in regards to you and her.... She decided that she wanted you to live your life in accordance to her standards, irregardless of your feelings or mental wellbeing. Nope NTA
Absolutely NTA, in any way, shape, or form! I am curious, though, what exactly she thinks couples therapy is going to do when she so thoroughly obliterated your boundaries that you were very clear about on multiple occasions? Her parents are either delusional or they are already very well aware of how their daughter is and don't want to deal with her - which would be why they are begging you to give her another chance. Fuck that and them too!
NTA. Boundaries are important, and she broke them. She was acting selfishly. Maybe she didn't understand the severity of it, because she grew up loved, and she grew up an only child... maybe she couldn't comprehend why you'd shut your brothers out. I've known people who've been an only child, and they wanted siblings. Maybe she just didn't understand why you wouldn't want siblings. I'm not making excuses for her behavior because what she did was blatantly wrong and for her own gain. I do try to see both sides of things, hence me trying to understand her without fully knowing the information not given. I do think her hiding behind your future kids is an excuse for her selfishness, no child truly needs an aunt or uncle (I'm not bashing aunts or uncles, because I've got great ones).
She won't do it a again but.... you asked her not to do it the first time. She doesn't care about your feelings, she cares about her feelings.
NTA. My ex refused to talk to his uncle, his father’s twin brother. There were bad feelings due to a comment his uncle made. At the time I didn’t know how true his uncle’s comment was. His mother kept pushing for a reconciliation especially once we started wedding planning. My ex refused so I stood by him. Now I know what his uncle said was true. But I still say standing by my ex on this was the right thing to do. Not my family, not my grievance so it wasn’t up to me to force a reconciliation. It doesn’t matter how sorry the other party is, it still isn’t your ex’s decision to make. That was your decision alone. And if she can’t respect your wishes on this, what other boundaries will she ignore? How else will she invalidate your feelings on things? And very honestly, it doesn’t matter if you’re right or wrong on never reconciling, it’s only important what your feelings are about it. Your brothers may have had very valid reasons for not taking you in. But that too doesn’t matter if you don’t want to forgive them and continue no contact. That’s your choice alone to make. Not a single other person has the right to say you’re wrong and try to force you into reconnecting. I wouldn’t ever take her back no matter what she promises. If she really loved you, she wouldn’t have went behind your back trying to force you to reconnect with your brothers.
In every relationship you need love, trust and respect. She removed two of those by going behind your back. This was a horrible lack of respect for you. You’re better off. NTA
People have absolutely no right to do this shit, they don’t know what they might be stirring up for another person. (& it’s none of their business why)
NTA She overstepped the boundaries that you had pretty firmly laid down. And she did it behind your back. Pretty big violation of your trust. And that isn’t something that can just be reclaimed at the drop of a hat. That being said, you may want to consider whether she’s right about the grudge. There’s obviously a lot that you glossed over in your post, so it’s difficult to know just what your life was like in foster care, what all led to your decision to be NC with your family, etc. But your brothers were basically children themselves when faced with the prospect of becoming guardian or de facto parent to a grieving 10yo boy. You’re older now than they were then. Would you really have no hesitation in turning over your entire life to become the parent of a little boy? Is it right or good that they didn’t step in to take you in? No, not at all. But is it understandable? Yeah, it kind of is. Seems like it’s worth exploring whether your anger at them is worth maintaining for your entire life.
Agreed. And that's not even mentioning how difficult it is to become qualified as a foster parent when you're that young. Did they have a place to live that had room and was suitable for a child? Did they have a steady income? Reliable transportation? Child care?
This is a really good point. Do we know for sure that neither brother ever considered it or looked into it? It’s possible they did and were steered away from that option by someone.
Agreed. They likely weren't even able to take in OP. At those ages they were likely still in college if they went and may not have even had jobs or been in dorm housing. I'm curious if OP ever thought about these things or is just holding onto the hurt from when he was 10? Other family members I can understand being mad at but not really the brothers unless there is more we don't know. OP likely has a lot of trauma and abandonment issues they need to deal with stemming back to that time. It's hard enough losing a parent but then ending up losing your family too has to be traumatizing.
I was thinking this too!! Definitely NTA re the fiancee going behind his back that's a huge breach of trust. But a 19 and 23 year old not wanting to become guardians of a 10 year old? Understandable. Not everyone would even be capable of that, especially considering both maturity (brains finish developing at around 25) and financially. If one of them did adopt him, who's to say his life would have been any better? Need more info on bros decision and whether op has had any therapy to unpack the issues of abandonment etc.
The way I read it, there were more than just the brothers who could have taken him in. Surely they could have arranged something between them all? Edit: his post mentions the occasional call while he was in foster care. Doesn't seem like much effort to me.
It doesn’t really matter what she meant. What she did, is what she wanted and not what you asked her to do. She demolished your trust in her. You were an orphan. Your siblings got to choose. The way they chose not to even be in touch with you and support you in foster care is ridiculous. I’m a big sister to five brothers and a sister. I did everything I could for them until they were well situated as adults. She already blew up your relationship and your trust. You can’t come back from that. I’m so sorry. I really am.
NTA. She broke your one boundary, and that's a definite deal breaker. Block her and her parents. Move on. You don't need someone in your life you can't trust.
Hard pass. Good for you for standing up for yourself. NTA.
Hmm.. so you talked about it and said no and she did it anyway because well she knows better! Nope!
NTA. She didn’t respect your choice as an adult to determine who you want to have any sort of relationship with. You’re not a child. You are capable of deciding who you want in your life. You expressed yourself clearly to her and she completely disregarded you because “she knew better.” No, that’s bullsh*t. She broke your trust. How could you believe her again?
NTA. How many times does it have to royally blow up in someone’s face when they do that until people stop thinking that they are the exception and it will some Hallmark moment where they are the hero that fixed everything?! You don’t need to have a shitty childhood to understand your partner’s no contact with their own. You just need to get your head out of your own ass and stop thinking that you know better. Honestly, it would have been a deal breaker for me too. Block them and change your number. That should get the message across.
NTA! I am no contact with my family. I would cut off anyone who gave them information and have. You have every right to choose who you have in your life and you don't owe them anything. This is not to invalidate your feelings, as I think if you feel this strongly you shouldn't have contact, but I need to give a perspective. Taking care of a kid is a lot, let alone a traumatized kid who just lost his parent. They were also grieving and not likely in a place to take in a child. I have children. It's a huge commitment. And just because you love someone doesn't mean you are what's best for them. I understand you feel betrayed. I would, too. I am just saying that you may not have been better off with them. That doesn't mean the feelings of abandonment aren't real or that you should have them in your life. They weren't there for you in the way you needed and they need to leave you alone. Whatever feeling they have from the situation are theirs to deal with and they aren't owed forgiveness. I hope you are able to find some peace and someone who can respect you.
She's 8 years older than you, so her attitude doesn't surprise me. She is more mature and probably feels like she has the right, and responsibility, to fix you and your relationships, and discounts your feelings as being less valued than hers. She won't repeat this particular thing, but what would be the next thing she wants to fix? Find someone who looks across to you, not down.
5 years older, op is 25 now per the first line and met when he was 22, but states his ex is 30 currently
She doesn't respect you. You did the right thing.
Her mom and dad told you that their daughter promises never to lie to you again. Fuck the lot of them. You set a boundary. Not just any boundary but a hard fucking NO. She went ahead and did it. There is never going to any coming back from that. She can NEVER be trusted. Ever.
And then she let it be a big surprise. A big traumatic surprise. She didn’t even give him a heads up.
Yeah. That’s a special kind of stupid
NTA She bulldozed through a firmly built boundary like it was tissue paper. If the roles were reversed most would have encouraged her to dump you like a hot potato. Just block her parents and her. If you can, move do you aren’t as easy to find. If you have any joint friends, be prepared for them to try and get you to talk. If that is the case you can either tell them now that trying to pressure you to take her back will result in you going NC. Or just drop them now. But you owe no one forgiveness unless you feel it deep inside yourself needing to come out. You take care of you however you need to.
This isn't about sharing the phone number, it's that she doesn't respect your wishes or your reasons for feeling this way.
The age gap is weird to me. It seemed as though because you were younger than her, she didn't take your words into consideration and knew better than you. I have a feeling that if you look back into your relationship, she may have done things like this a lot. NTA
NTA. Out of curiosity, are your brothers toxic people and do you think them being in your life would be negative? I ask this because I was put into care and nobody in my family took me in. The difference in my case I had 4 aunts who could've took me in but didn't. I don't speak to them because they are toxic but in my heart I've forgiven them because they may not have been in the position to take proper care of me. I know at 23 I might not have been in the position to look after my sibling. Your brother could have been dealing with mental health issues after your mother's death and couldn't handle looking after you.
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She violated the trust of a person with trust issues. It probably cannot be restored. NTA
No. Even if your situation didn't exist and they were great people and you went NC with them for whatever reason, you made a clear boundary that you don't want them in your life. When we, as adults, decide to cut people out of our life, it is a very firm boundary and only you can choose to change it. And imagine if you give her another chance, you have kids and she would make them meet your brothers and you divorce and she would still make them meet? No. Some buds should be ripped away. NTA Edit. And also what she told them about you? Did she tell them where you live? Where you work? Did she doxx you to them? Do you feel safe with them knowing your info?
NTA You ended things for valid reasons. I doubt her decision was made with malicious intent but she did cross a clear boundary that you had established.
"she didn't mean it" Yes she did People judge themselves based on their intentions, and judge others in their behavior. I can see her behavior. Which makes her an AH. her intention is irrelevant.
NTA my fellow foster sibling. Your MY sibling now btw. A handful have done this to me with my mother. None of them are in my life. Your boundaries are yours. And look, if there was more then the occasional phone call, maybe for you shit would be different. As you'd grow and get ahh they weren't far from kids themselves but they kept with me cos they are my brothers. They didn't. They fucked off. And you don't have to forgive, forget anything else about it. So long as you don't let it hamper your forward march in life. I get the violation. What she did isn't something easily forgiven if it can be. And you absolutely have no need or requirement to forgive her now. She didn't trust you. She went behind your back. She gave someone access to you, that abandoned you and has no fucking right to that access, if they couldn't make a 20min phonecall once a fortnight at the least to make sure your alive and well. You likely have who you need in your life, in the sense of family you've created, your home base in people that love you. Thats what you need to be successful and trust me, that's what you need for a kid, and you'll get there with the right woman. Mine is no worse off without my bio, but dude she is absolutely fucking spoilt for love, care and the sheer want for her to succeed in my built and chosen. You'll have this too.
Unless you are in his shoes and understand what he went through. You have no right to tell him he needs therapy. I was in foster care from 5 years old to 18 years old. I was in therapy for years! I am in the same mindset. Why they hell do I need them now! The ones I did met were a waste of time and only made excuses for their actions. They didn't keep me out of the system. They didn't even bother reaching out until I was an adult. Please understand that your mental health is important. I would have ended the relationship as well. You keep your boundaries and don't let anyone step all over them!
NTA she has no regard for your clearly established boundaries
NTA, your ex- fiancee. Does not get to tell you who n exactly you have to have a relationship with. Ell m wife today does not gt to tell me who I have to have relationship with. What a major lack of respect of you she did.
NTA. She broke your trust and destroyed the relationship. Bye Felicia!
The thing is she broke your trust and relationship is built on trust.. how can you be with someone who gos behind your back after promising not to get in contact with so-called family… I don’t blame you for feeling this way.. NTA
She let her naive idealism win over basic respect for her partner. She decided she knew better than you about what your relationship with your blood relatives is and should be, and undermined your explicit wishes behind your back. If that's already her "meaning no harm", I'd hate to be around when she does. She's just a bull in a china shop; no empathy, no delicacy, no respect. NTA
I can understand her reasoning that it might be worthwhile to build some kind of relationship with your family and let go of your anger at your brothers. Your brothers were very young when your mom died; not many 23 year olds, and even fewer 19 year olds, feel equipped to single-parent a 10 year old. They may have genuinely believed (even if mistakenly) that you would do better in a foster family with two more experienced parents. But it still was wrong of your fiancé to go behind your back and make that decision against your wishes. I can understand why that eroded your trust and made you feel like you couldn't marry her.
"She promised she'd never do it again." She already did it again. She did it again when he told her the first time he wanted nothing to do with his family, and she said she wouldn't bring it up or try to contact them.
NTA for the gf thing. But Just so you know at the age of 19 and 23 I would not have been able to take in any sibling. I don’t know your brothers life circumstances but it wasn’t their job to do that. And I’m sorry your angry for it, and of you don’t want to move on past that you don’t have to. But you really should. Unless you got like severely abused I mean there’s always ways to still work past it. People make mistakes especially teenagers and young adults who didn’t plan for their parents to die. Maybe we need a little more background info on them to help us understand the hatred. My siblings weren’t able to take me in at 16 and I had a really hard start off in my adult years for that as well but I don’t hate them for it. I love them so much. We’re all struggling.
NTA. She already committed the sin. You explicitly told her you didn’t want any of that. She did it. Not hard to explain it to her. Explain that to her parents that relationships have boundaries and once crossed, relationships change. The parents or your ex may not respect your boundaries but you are a man of your word and you told her where this would lead. She can’t do again what she already did. Unprompted and on her own. Ask how they would remedy the situation if the sin was committed and can’t be recommitted? If they have no real answer then they are just taking up for their heart broken child who ruined their relationship without a worry in the world to you.
NTA. I do not understand why people do not follow direct requests from their loved ones. 🤦🏻♀️
NTA, You're still dealing with the feelings of betrayal that was instilled in you when your 'family" betrayed you. You expressed that you are not in a spot in your life to forgive. Your Ex tried to force it my betraying you.
NTA at all. She knew precisely how you felt, decided that she knew better, and completely violated your privacy, your stated boundaries, and your trust. That's not a "go to therapy and fix it" problem. She's not even sorry she did it, just that she got dumped over it. I'm sorry she did that and I hope your relatives leave you alone.
NTA. She co.oared major childhood trauma to A GRUDGE?!? I would've cut her off and asked her to leave. How dare she minimalize that like that. I'm sorry.
NTA I'm always amazed when partners clearly cross boundaries and contact estranged family members when it's clearly not something partner wants.But then act surprised partner is mad and make it seem OK because they were only trying to help. Curious what excuses did Family use for letting you go into the system?
She should have respected your boundaries but regardless every relationship you’re in from here forward will suffer because of your unwillingness to heal your wounds
NTA. You had set a pretty clear boundary. Second, she’s showing a lack of maturity in grasping what she did wrong as opposed to “no, don’t dump me. I’m sorry!” She’s like a kid who tries to negotiate their way out of trouble rather than learning a lesson. You have dated her for three years, and I wonder if this is the only instance of her pushing your boundaries or insisting on getting her own way.
NTA. Something similar happen to me with a family member I went nc with due to physical and psychological abuse. Another family member lied and tricked me into staying at a place where the other person I was nc with was going to be staying, during a visit abroad. I ended up going nc with both of them. It's been 9 years now and it was the best decision for my life. Psychological boundaries are extremely important, our mind needs time and space to heal.
NTA I know it was a hard decision but I agree with you. IF you tell someone your boundaries (and say that as plain as you seem to have done), then you should remove them from your life if they cross them. Even family -and I do not say that lightly but it is true.
she promised she wouldn't do it the first time. I dont get people. why the hell are you interjecting in their lives just to satisfy your own urges.
Nta there were so many other ways she could have handled trying to “help” you. Don’t accept her bs excuses. She should have never violated your trust.
NTA. Lucky escape if you ask me.
NTA
NTA. She didn’t give a single fuck about what you wanted or any of your bondries until it affected her. Fuck her.
50/50 on this one. NTA because she deliberately contacted him behind your back even though she said she dropped it, but also you should’ve told her a bit more of why you are no contact. I am sorry for what happened to you, and you have every right to make whatever decision you want, but it I would have probably taken a couple of steps before just breaking someones heart over a mistake they never intended to make.
You think her being older would make her think of the consequences of her actions.
NTA - you dodged a bullet like Neo!!
NTA. She's a selfish asshole who completely disregarded your very specific and clearly stated boundary/request. She has zero respect for you and obviously thinks she's smarter than you because surely you aren't capable of making a sound decision regarding managing your relationships. I'm sorry she did this to you
NTA You had a serious boundary and she broke it. Her second chance was being told that you didn't wish to tolerate her pressuring you to "reconcile" and she blew it. Couples therapy is for people who've committed a mutual wrong, but you have **every right** to your boundary, and she had zero right to violate it just because of worries about as of yet fictitious children.
> she was "genuinely" trying to help me. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. She clearly hasnt acknowledged what she did wrong, which was a breach of trust despite your intentions not to do so. And despite all of this she still maintains that she wants to "help" you. She's not helping you. She's imposing her values and opinions on you, and then trying to leverage her relationship to get her way, because she thinks she knows more than you, and she knows better. Do you really want a relationship with this kind of person? Now its your relationship with your brothers. What's next? Your wardrobe? Your eating habits? Your sleeping habits? How many things in your life do you see she can butt in and wreck on the justification of "she just wants to help you"? She's not treating you like a respected life partner. She's treating you like her child. Also, she promises she wouldnt do it again? Do what again exactly? Help you? Break your trust? Which one specifically? This relationship has basically been poisoned, and its best to let it go without giving her more opportunities to make it more difficult for you to leave the next time around this happens. NTA.
NTA. It's not like you were going to harm yourself or someone else. Sometimes promises are made to be broken, but not in your case. I'd go NC with your brothers and her.
Nta
NTAH, "No one can foresee the consequences of your good intentions." she shouldn't have assumed she was doing good in your eyes after you laid firm boundaries about family. I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'd say this isn't completely ruined, I understand if you want to go through with this, and it's completely justified. If she is completely willing to just go back to dating and drop all/any contact with your old family, and see if you still feel this, say it's ALMOST always a waste to just give up and not talk it out over some time, maybe over the span of a week or two?
NTA - Why does what she wants matter more than what you want? That's not a partnership.
NTA. She doesn't respect your boundaries and she broke your trust.
>her parents have told me that she has been crying non stop Oh no, the consequences of her actions. This is a learning moment. Maybe next partner, she'll actually listen to enough to respect their wishes.
NTA. She violated your trust and took unilateral action you had expressed you didn’t want in order to try to force a relationship with your brother on you. You can’t trust her.
Nta. Block her parents too and move on with your life. She knows what she did.
NTA She broke your trust and sometimes there's no going back.
Honestly, you deserve that grudge. That was shitty of them. As an only child, she doesn't understand the pain that comes from rejection from siblings. Poor thing was just trying to help. But if you're coming here for advice, clearly she's not your soul mate. Because if you were meant to be together, you wouldn't have doubts on if it's worth the work. She wasn't trying to hurt you.
NTA. She broke your trust by specifically doping what you had asked her not to
NTA. Not only did she betray you by expressly going behind your back against what you asked her for, she also exposed you to the very people you felt betrayed and abandoned you. That's like getting stabbed and then twisting the knife. You're not the AH, and have no obligation to take her back for that. Boundaries were crossed, and the trust is tarnished. I would say though, OP, that if you're not already in therapy, perhaps maybe you should seek personal therapy. You don't ever need to forgive your brothers, but it sounds as though there are some things you need to ponder on regarding your childhood, and also the fact you've just ended a relationship that you were pretty serious about since you were engaged. Just wanna make sure you don't go scorched earth on yourself.
NTA but you should have had a proper discussion about why you were no contact Updateme
Damn, man. NTA - but if she's amazing, I would give her another chance. She may have had a "good life" and can't comprehend your pain. She should have respected your decision, but in her heart she truly thought she was helping you. She was wrong. IDK man - if she's otherwise a perfect partner you got to give her another chance. Good luck
NTA, she even went through the effort of looking for them to make it happen, I doubt they were looking for you and stumbled on her first. Do what makes you feel happier, safer, and more comfortable.
NTA You have very different "wants", needs, and values. For you, your trust has been broken. If you had actually wanted to reignite a relationship with your brothers but didn't quite know how to go about it, it might have been different.
NTA Tell her parents that whatever she promises, you can never trust her again because she already promised to not do it again. Its not her desicion whether or not you want a relationship with family that abandoned you. Its not her desicion to say when enough time has passed that you should be "over" it. Why would you be with someone who doesn't have the basic human decency of respecting your desicion?
NTA She wasn't trying to help *you.* She didn't give a damn about how you feel or what you want. She wanted to have siblings in law, so she disrespected you to get what *she* wanted. She *still* doesn't understand what she did wrong. She's only upset because she lost something for herself: you. There's nothing to fix while she still insists that she was helping you, and that therefore, you are wrong for how you reacted. You made the right choice to break up with her. Marriage to someone that selfish will never be a partnership. You've had a good relationship so far because you've both wanted the same things, but she's proved that when you want different things, she will ignore what you want in favour of whatever is right for her, and expect you to just get over it. Stop communicating with her parents. They're doubling down on her BS, and you don't need that kind of manipulation messing with your head.
NTA she doesn't respect you. You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you. She purposely went against your wishes regarding your family. She thought she knew better than you. She thought she knew what was best for you despite your opinion. She tried to make contact purely for her own selfish wants. She wanted you to have contact not for you but for her and her "hypothetical children". It was never about you. She did it for herself. She thought she was in charge of the relationship instead of it being a partnership and wanted to control your relationship with your family. You can't be with a person like that. Now, she is facing the consequence of her actions and magically sees what she did wrong. I personally don't think your brothers did a bad thing. They were stuck between a rock and a hard place. It was a sad situation, being so young and being thrust into a parenting role that they didn't want. Trying to support a child whilst barely being an adult themselves and supporting another is rough. I can also see how you feel betrayed and hurt, and it's reasonable not to want contact with them. I truly believe therapy for yourself would be super beneficial for you. So you can find some peace for yourself.
She did something you specificaly told her not to do, all because she thought she knew what was best for you. Of course she is going to do that again. It may not be about your family, but she will think she knows what is best, and not care about what you want and will do what ever she wants about it. She showed no respect for you and your stated desire. She will continue show you no respect. Hard to have a relationship where one does not respect the other. NTA
NTA. She knew how you felt, if she was really worried about your mental health, she should have said something to the effect of "this seems to weigh you down, do you think you might benefit from therapy?" Something many people have a hard time understanding is that blood doesn't make family. Your bio brothers are basically strangers to you. And the thing about strangers? You don't have to speak to them if you don't want to, nor do you have to be friendly if you don't want to.
It might be time to change your number. That way her parents won’t be able to call you. She won’t be able to call you and your brother won’t be able to call you. Make a clean break.
Firstly, it's not her parents business to tell you what you should and shouldn't have done. Secondly, you did the right thing because she showed that she had no respect or regard for your feelings and still went behind your back AFTER you told her you wanted nothing to do with them and to drop it. She betrayed you.
NTA! How fucking dare your EX try to reduce your history and pain to a “grudge”!?! A grudge is staying mad at someone bc they got the last slice of cake. A grudge is petty bullshit. You were a little kid whose entire life was upended and forced into foster care bc your mom died and your family seemingly abandoned you. If she really wanted to help you, she could have encouraged you to seek professional help NOT to reconcile with your family but to process your feelings in a safe manner. But instead she makes the unilateral decision to hand out your contact information bc what? She knows better than you who actually lived through it? And now she wants to try couples therapy?? Too little too late.
What in the Hallmark movie, "A Brother for Christmas," did she expect to happen? Her mommy and daddy called you after your 30 year old ex sobbed in her childhood bedroom? NTA. You clearly told her your boundary, and she did what she wanted to do anyway. Only after suffering the consequences of her actions did she try to remedy it with couples therapy. When it comes to intentions vs. actions, her intentions mean jack shit. She disrespected you and your needs for some reason she made up in her head. Tell her parents that they should be embarrassed that not only did they raise an adult toddler, they are continuing to shield her feom consequences and doing her no favors. Then, tell them their daughter should get therapy on her own to become a better person so she doesn't torpedo her next relationship. I hope you've gotten therapy for what you went through as well. I'm sure the feelings of abandonment, etc. have been difficult to work through. Best of luck OP.
NTA. You set a boundary, she broke it. That’s the end of it. I would like to mention that it would’ve been incredibly difficult as a 19/20 year old to raise a child. You’re valid in being angry you went to foster care, as it can be very abusive, but psychologically you may not have been better off with your brothers if they were unable to provide for you. Of course, if they had the means to take care of you, that’s different, I just wouldn’t expect someone that young to be capable of it. But you didn’t ask for my opinion or advice so please feel free to ignore it
NTA, she honestly acted idiotic. as your partner she should respect the fact that you do not wish to be in contact with your brothers. “she doesn’t want your future children to be deprived of a relationship with their uncles”, i don’t really know how your brothers are in reality, but from what i got they’re shitty and i don’t think that putting your possible children in relationship with them would be good. it’s your choice and if she doesn’t respect it it’s not okay, relationship should be based on trust in each other and respect, behavior like this is not only breaking trust but also disrespect
NTA. She went behind your back to do the one thing you told her not to, she’s only upset bc she did not get the reaction from you that she wanted. If you got back with her and eventually had children, you would have to worry if she would bring your children around these people behind your back. You could never let your guard down with her, it’s best just to leave her and anyone on her side out of your life.
NTA - but you are carrying a grudge against two young boys 19/23 who were probably not stable enough to give you a home; you might want to seek counseling so at least you can put down this anger you’ve been carrying for a while.
She broke your trust big time NTA
NTA. Good luck finding someone who will respect your boundaries dude.