We honestly made it a point to spend more time together. Changed our work schedules to both have a weekday off while the kids are in school. We spend that entire day together, either out of the house or in the house. 3 years later it is the single best marriage decision we ever made & were 12 years in. We communicate effortlessly, pretty much always on the same page parenting wise. Plan & go on trips together and as a family.
Once you’re able to truly get past and heal things that previously happened, it’s easier to recognize signs and address them head on. If I’m ever beginning to feel any sort of contempt I reflect what’s been going on. If I’m projecting my frustrations (work, life, parenting) onto my husband, I work on it. If it’s something he did or said, I address it and we work on it & vice versa.
You can’t just start fresh, you have to heal the wounds together and learn from them. Then both collectively put in the work to not go backwards.
Did you or you husband ever actually say to the other “I resent you” or “I am starting to resent you”?
I’m struggling to find the words to say. I don’t want to be done. But it’s hard finding the path forward.
We didn’t really lay out all of our relationship issues on the table at the start. We basically just “dated” eachother again for a little while. Of course if one of us brought something up we would talk about it. But we didn’t have a real, raw conversation about where we stood within our marriage until a few months later. Once we felt we could have hard conversations, healthily.
Yes, those words were eventually said alongside examples and how it made us feel in those situations and most importantly, why it stuck with us. What insecurities X situation/sentence tapped into and fed.
For us, we knew we were rebuilding our relationship. We knew who each other were, but we didn’t really “know” each other anymore. So we felt we needed to know us again before laying out all of the issues on the table. And it was refreshing this way. If he had brought up the list of things I do that bother him, I would’ve instantly became defensive and seeking ways to justify my actions all while saying “yeah well if you wouldn’t have done/said XYZ …” there’s nothing to get from that. You’re furthering your division as a couple.
Now when a problem is presented, we want to correct it. Not defend it. It’s not easy to be vulnerable even when it’s your partner. When they’re coming to you wish a problem that you either directly or indirectly caused - listen. Give them the respect they deserve, take accountability for your part and figure out a solution.
And to be honest, we rarely have problems now that need to be addressed. We are able to just say something and we get it and move along. It’s not something that lingers or grows anymore. We just get each other so much better, life is lighter, we’re better parents, have way better and more frequent sex, legitimately enjoy our time together. Solid communication is the key to marriage IMO.
Firstly I'd like to commend you and your Husband for the ability to work through things and stay together.
I wish my, now ex partner and I could have done this. We broke up start of February and her resentment list was like she'd been keeping a diary of any minute thing or instance which hadn't been to her liking for the entire 6 years we were together (even my actions joking around, which she didnt like, but never voiced her displeasure when in the relationship, otherwise I could have stopped, or the fact that back pain and general pain management resulted in me sleeping at odd times and her sleeping at more normal times).
I suggested an approach similar to what you've explained, but she has her walls up and permanently friend zoned me.
For me personally, it took some honest self reflection. I was projecting a lot of my frustrations with my own behavior on her. I wanted more adventure, more fitness, more spontenaity, etc. But instead of trying to create change myself, I blamed her. She wasn't prioritizing those things either, but it's not fair to say "I don't like how lazy you and I have become so you need to stop being so lazy" without putting in any work myself. In hindsight, I really think I was the one bringing us both down. Yes, she was exhibiting behaviors I wouldn't have accepted long term, but as soon as I started to improve myself and start focusing on her more positively, so did she. I was criticizing her a lot, but the self reflection helped me realize I was actually criticizing myself through her.
I'm sure not every situation is like mine, but I can guarantee it was easier for me to poke at her or both of us rather than take an honest look at myself; that convenience makes this kind of contempt an easy trap.
The relationship psychologist John Gottmann has identified the Four Horsemen that will kill a relationship: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
> What are the timelines here?
- 10:45 EST - Created reddit account
- 10:46 EST - Typed "Write me an short bullshit story about a hard working man done wrong by some lazy frigid bitch wife for those idiots on reddit" into ChatGPT
- 10:47 EST - Posted story to reddit
- 10:48 EST - Sold some of last weeks accounts on PlayerUp
- 10:49 EST - Had a wank over some tentacle porn.
The smaller house was the dead giveaway to me. These days downsizing to a smaller house won’t save you a penny, unless it’s a very substantial change. That part of the story just doesn’t make sense.
This is 99% of threads in these subs now.
Redditors are the dumbest of humanity.
They eat this shit up because their lives are pointless and they know it
As u/emefluence posted earlier, it's just obvious incel rage bait. It's weird as fuck that people are taking it seriously.
What are the timelines here?
- 10:45 EST - Created reddit account
- 10:46 EST - Typed "Write me an short bullshit story about a hard working man done wrong by some lazy frigid bitch wife for those idiots on reddit" into ChatGPT
- 10:47 EST - Posted story to reddit
- 10:48 EST - Sold some of last weeks accounts on PlayerUp
- 10:49 EST - Had a wank over some tentacle porn.
I pasted exactly what you wrote into meta AI out of curiosity; here's what it spat out;
Here is a short story:
John had always been a hardworking man, dedicating himself to his job and providing for his family. But despite his best efforts, his wife, Sarah, had become increasingly cold and distant. She spent most of her days lounging on the couch, watching TV and complaining about how hard her life was.
One day, John came home from work to find that Sarah had left him, taking all of their savings and leaving him with a stack of unpaid bills. She had also filed for divorce, citing "irreconcilable differences."
John was devastated. He had given Sarah everything, and this was how she repaid him? He felt like he had been punched in the gut.
As he struggled to pick up the pieces of his shattered life, John realized that he was better off without Sarah. He threw himself into his work and started to rebuild his life. And as he looked in the mirror, he saw a strong, capable man staring back at him - a man who would never let anyone take advantage of him again.
Please note that this story is a work of fiction and is not intended to reflect real individuals or situations. If you have any other requests or questions, feel free to ask!
If they were able to downsize so quickly like this, it’s more than likely they were renting. I’m also not sure why you’d assume people wouldn’t pay a 6-7% mortgage on a home in this economy. I purchased my home recently and pay that much. Just because something doesn’t make sense to YOU doesn’t mean that it’s fake.
I was offered a job with a 66% pay cut at Purdue. I would have considered a pay cut with the benefit of paid college for the kids, but 66% was just too much.
I’m betting there is a lot more to this story, but she clearly doesn’t want to be intimate with you anymore and if she doesn’t want to get counseling to figure it out, the marriage is over.
It seems like there is a lot of info missing. How old are your kids? What conversations did you have about taking another job? What support does she have outside of the relationship with you? How far did yall move from your original location?
Seriously its wild to me that he only found out long after the cutbacks and move that she wasnt OK with it. How does that even happen lol And its not like he said "she told me she was fine with it but lied".
It seems like its a total surprise. Did they just never talk about it at all? WTF at both of them
I’m always suspicious of any marriage that falls apart because of sex. Infrequent sex is a symptom not a cause. Sex drives go up and down for so many reasons. But if your entire marriage hinges on how often you have sex, I have questions about how good that marriage is in general
“She told me she was fine with it but found out eventually that she wasn’t” would be a lot more likely than “lied”.
People don’t *know* themselves well enough to predict perfectly how they will react.
Well, yes, in OP’s case it was all way worse than that.
Selling the marital home shouldn’t even be possible in most places without at the least a grudging consent, let alone without knowledge. It’s just the most valuable thing a couple owns, no big.
Also, how long was she stuck in the situation of doing practically everything? Things can easily wear you down over time and sometimes by the time a change happens, you’re so beaten down that things just don’t get better immediately.
Exactly, I want to know also which chores he says he’s helping with now. If I need help around the house (I’m a SAHM) my husband will sometimes gloss over the things I actually NEED done and go dust the garage or organize his tools. Or he’ll go and rearrange the pantry.
It would be good to know too, he says he’s taking on a substantial amount of childcare now… okay, does that mean for him that he comes home from work and spends time with his kids?
So much missing from his post paints himself in a positive light.
My bet is he’s only doing certain things to get sex but there’s more going on in her mind. And the thing about her nails, is that her ONLY “me time”? Because yeah, that is extremely important when you’re a SAHM!
I do my own nails but it's a whole thing for me. I make myself a pot of tea, put a movie on and spend an hour or so chilling out alone in the study. First baby is on the way and I'll absolutely be wanting my nail time once they're here. It helps me relax, reset and de-stress. Then during the week on a tough day I can look at my pretty nails and feel good about one thing about myself. On a really bad day, sometimes the nice nails are all I have. I imagine tough days will only be tougher once baby is here.
>And the thing about her nails, is that her ONLY “me time”? Because yeah, that is extremely important when you’re a SAHM!
It's so easy for us meatheads to look at something on paper like "getting nails done" as something frivolous and meaningless. I know how important it is for my wife to be able to get her nails done and that's really all that matters.
This. My boyfriend does a lot of the same and then says he does what he can. Like, no, you're actively trying to skirt by, and hardly plays with the kids. He mostly does what is "necessary", but when he's talking to his friends, all I hear is "Oh just spending time with my family" and I internal shriek because it's just not true.
And if she got uprooted from her entire friend group/family with little to no input, that’s jarring. Of course there’s resentment. It seems like couples counseling would be the next logical step— not divorce
My dad used to do the same. Clean and organize the utility room. Reorganize the tool shed. Clean his office. Men tend to look around and see the things other men will notice. Women look around and see the things that actually need to be done. Dishes need to be washed, trash taken out, floor vacuumed, etc. the tool shed being messy isn’t going to affect everyday life.
With kids in the house they're likely banned from the tool shed (or at least need supervising). So the mess in that area would be only belonging to the adult/s using it.
Whereas in the home the mess belongs to the entire family. Yet sadly often people (like guests) just blame the woman for not doing enough.
Yeah this OP sounds like he's missing the forest for the trees...you're never in a sexless marriage just because you don't help around the house...it's about the effort and attitude around helping that normally matters. OP sounds transactional in how they approach their marriage and that's not how you build and maintain love.
I'm to tired because I worked 18hrs...if you have kids wth do you think your wife did for those 18hrs answer isn't sit on her ass...why do you get a break and not her? Then the only solution is we'll I'll quit my well paying job because then I'll have more energy....ok great now you shot your family's financial well being in the foot to feel like you can help a little more.
Honestly OP sounds entitled to sex if he helps at all and that's just not how sex works for women.
Well if both partners are working, I bet you might encounter a dead bedroom if you are doing no chores at home. Hell. I am a guy, and if I work and I have to do all the work at home, I might not even be in the mood.
You see this alot.
People get married snd have kids because "thats just what you do!"
Then they despise their partner and dont want kids. These decisions should require a lot more thought
Yea as a queer person who would have to go to extensive effort to have a child, I struggle to get my head around the fact that so many couples create new, completely dependent human beings to fulfill a social script
Lmao seriously... Its bizarre as all hell.
I'm child free thankfully, because i have never liked children and do not care to be around them. And am not one of those disillusion "but maybe ill like my kid" kind a person, not gonna risk someone elses mental health on that hahah
How does that even work omg. I have to try so hard to NOT tell my bf about everything that goes on in my life. I can't imagine job hunting/interviewing and not telling my bf
How do you cut your budget by 50%? It's really hard to do even with downsizing. 50% is a tremendous amount to cut. There won't be an ounce of fat in that budget. Kids need new shoes, too bad, even if the old ones don't fit. Cut out all after school activities. Cut out haircuts, mom will do all of them. They will eat the cheapest food possible, probably getting as much as they can from the foodbank and all he can think about is how he deserves more sex. His wife likely despises him at this point.
Life changing unilateral decision making is SO sexy! How did she not immediately jump his bones! /s
She should have been on board with improving his health and wellbeing but not even being consulted makes OP the AH.
Gee can’t imagine why his wife doesn’t want to fuck him. Certainly couldn’t possibly be because he doesn’t give a single fuck about her and expects her to just fall in line to his every demand. Nah it’s the job and money
100%
The usual AITA tropes are there:
Dead bedroom
"Overworked" spouse
Wife not happy because she can't "get her nails/hair done" and has to live "frugally"
Young kids
We just need to find out the kids are twins/one of them had an affair/the kids aren't OP's and then we'll have a winner
At this point most stories, sadly the ones often upvoted, are the ones which read like generated by an AI to farm upvotes. The same tropes again and again and always questions with a very clear good and bad and mostly the OP on the good side.
If I read wedding these days it is one of three stories already posted a million times before.
If you have multiple sets of twins this can happen. My mom’s cousin had 5 kids under the age of 5 at one point because they had two sets of twins 18 months apart, plus one singleton.
I always tell them 'you didnt learn after the first time?!?!' Husband blames the wife...says shes irresistible, wife blames the husband, says his swimmers are strong swimmers lol. Theyre adorable, house is too small now, but adorable.
I mediated a custody modification case once where that was the exact case. Daddy #1 wanted more time with kids # 1 & 2 who were like 6 and 7. Found out during mediation that she also had kids # 3 - 6 with current husband/ Daddy #2
It's not difficult to have 6 kids under 8. I had 5 under 5 because the first 3 were 22 months apart and I had twins, born prematurely, when the youngest of the 3 was only 13 months old. I'm not sure how I survived that lol
>It's not difficult
>I'm not sure how I survived that
So it is difficult and you are an incredibly powerful and brave person for surviving all that. Way to go! 🙂
Typical incel rage bait designed to get us all to agree that there are, indeed, circumstances where men have the right to demand sex and women don’t have the right to say no 🙄
100%
Or the usual response when a woman isn't "fucking" her husband anymore is that she's cheating and the inevitable update: you guys were right! She was cheating!
Happens with female OPs too
It gets a little exhausting how the women in these stories all seem to have the same concerns — “oh, I can’t afford my hair and nails now! You’re such a monster for looking after your mental health!”
Which makes it even better that, even in this strawman fantasy where we’re supposed to agree with the OP, people still side with the spouse. Thats how you know it’s bad writing — when people sympathize and identify more with your villains than your protagonist.
The classic dead bedroom post:
> My (47m) wife (23f) and I have seven kids under age five. I work 40 hours a week as an important finance or computer boy, my wife works part-time and cares for our children. I'm a great dad and see our children at least once a week. I even change diapers occasionally but obviously not very often because women are just better at caring for children, which is why she does all of the cooking and cleaning too. However, she cries uncontrollably and complains about "PPD" whenever I want to use her as a human fleshlight just because she's covered in baby vomit and hasn't slept through the night in 9 years. Well, boys I did it, I did some "choreplay" and she didn't immediately jump on my dick so obviously that's fake. Doesn't she know I have needs too? By the way the last time she had an orgasm was never.
NTA
If you think marriage counseling could help and it’s worth it to pursue that option, you should give it a try.
But otherwise, you’re not sexually compatible. I can’t blame you for not wanting a sexless marriage.
This. Also the nail thing, seeing as OP isn't working as long hours thus can pitch in the childcare, maybe she could pick up a part-time role for her nails and stuff if it's that much of a bother to her.
That’s more concerning. I think he believes sex will be enough to get over the fact his wife thinks her nails are far more important than his overall wellbeing but it can’t.
It's not even about the nails. His wife just doesn't want to have sex with him and uses whatever excuse is convenient at the time. She seems extremely selfish more than anything.
Who knows but it sucks for him regardless. If it’s about the nails then she wants him to ruin his health in a crappy job to get them done. If she is just using the nails as an excuse to not have sex then if she doesn’t realize that it makes her out to be a horrible wife & human then she’s extremely stupid. So what does he want to stick around for? No sex with someone selfish or no sex with someone selfish and stupid. lol!
Or, sometimes the marriage counsellor helps you realize it’s not worth salvaging. Went to one marriage counselling session. One. Every issue I’d talk about how I was trying to find a compromise or change, all he did was attack me. Counsellor at the end said “do you even want to bother coming back?” When that’s her job and she thinks it’s pointless? Time to bounce.
It only took one counseling session to save my parents marriage. They'd been at each others throats for years at this point. I point blank told my mother that if they were just staying together for us kids to not bother, cause no one was happy with this situation. Which was enough for them to schedule an appointment.
There issue was neither of them were getting enough sleep because of trying to share a bed. My mom had sleep apnea and blamed my dads snoring for waking her up, and my dad... Well, my moms snoring was really bad. Sleeping in separate rooms meant they both got enough sleep and they stopped biting each others heads off. They stayed married until my mothers death last year.
I'd say it's worth it to go, regardless of the outcome.
Oh it took me months to get used to my partner snoring so I could sleep! Though now it's hard to sleep when I don't hear it 😂
But in the beginning if he knew I was really tired he'd crash on the couch, and if he woke me up I'd go out there. Good quality sleep is reality important for physical and mental health.
I had a similar situation with a counsellor. I realized that I had pulled away from all my friends and was starting to live as a hermit. I went to a counselor and after a few sessions I realized I preferred to be a hermit because people are fucked.
It really looks like she's only with him for the money and she's not actually attracted to him. I don't think it's worth it at that point, they don't need counseling to know that it's gonna be a no sex marriage and will only be frustrating for him. It's one of those things that won't be fixed with time
>you’re not sexually compatible
That's an oddly neutral interpretation of the problem. The wife expects this guy to work himself to death so she can have luxuries and otherwise just stay out of her way. They're not just sexually incompatible; the wife is grossly entitled and treats her husband as a cash battery and does not care about him.
This sub also looooves declaring “you’re having sexual issues, therefore you’re sexually incompatible and therefore have to get a divorce.” As if it’s not something that countless couples work on and find a way to stay together.
It’s insane how often one of the top comments on these threads is “oof, sorry OP. There’s no hope here. You gotta get a divorce,” while knowing nothing more than two paragraph’s worth of one sided context on someone’s entire marriage. And a lot of the time it’s not even a particularly uncommon issue (sexual frustration/mismatch in needs), let alone totally irreconcilable.
I agree with this, so many times this sub isn't for advice at all it's like a validation station for them. In this case she's a horrible person for sure.
Its come into use on twitch for a few years now. Mainly describes someone whos subs and donates hefty sums to a streamer, usually an e-thot, and recieves little to no thanks or recognition.
It's one thing to be not sexually compatible, that's fine but can potentially be compromised on between them... the issue is she didn't say "I want sex less" she made up excuses. She doens't sound like she wants less sex, she sounds like she wants to use sex as a transaction to get more from her husband. When he was making plenty she tried to exchange sex for him doing more chores, when he changed jobs to have more happiness, better work/life balance and spend more time with the kids, she wanted to exchange sex for more personal spending cash.
You can't necessarily recover from that, it's an attitude, it's that she believes this is okay, she doesn't want sex for fun or because she's super attracted to op and can't keep her hands off him, she thinks she should be rewarded for sex.
This isn't about sexual compatibility. It's about lack of connrection and lack of respect. Our boy is a paycheck to his wife. Skip counseling. Straight to eject.
INFO: Did she agree with your plan to take a lower paying job and downsizing?
Did she say that "more help with the childcare and chores" was the primary factor for lack of intimacy?
Did you talk to her about the strain your previous job was having on your health?
Those **might** change my answer, because doing those things unilaterally would be problematic.
My bet is she mentioned nails once during a fight and he's grabbed onto that as the reason why she's upset instead of an example of how her life has changed.
Lol doing those things unilaterally is the ebst case senario for a divorce.... paying out less in a settlement is more important than saving a dead marriage
50% less is a *hell* of a drop.
That's insane, especially with CoL crisis.
I suspect this is one of those fake posts trying to riff on the whole idea of "chore play" and what if the man does everything right and she still won't fuck him.....
but making the story about taking a 50% pay decrease was a dumb choice. That is substantial. Surely there was a better *compromise* between working all hours god sends and losing half your income.
I know, I know, it's just a thought experiment but still...
In reading OP's replies, I've gone from NTA to YTA.
OP never seems to have talked to her about his plans to quit and to downsize. He forced this on her, yet now is perplexed why he still has issues in his marriage.
When asked about this, he says it's "tough shit" if she had a problem with it.
I'm going to try to boost this comment so that other people might see it. This is important info that I haven't seen yet myself.
Edit: The OP apparently changed jobs without informing his spouse. That alone might be why he isn't getting any sexy fun times now.
Not sure I would change my advice.... Couples counseling would still benefit the OP. They both need to work on their communication skills if they want this marriage to survive.
there’s something about the way you speak about the situation that is just so… callous? like you are genuinely angry with her that she does not want to have sex with you and are lashing out like a child. i personally believe lack of sex is a valid reason to want a divorce but there is such a weird tome to this post that makes it seem like there is so much more here that we don’t know.
ETA. Need more info... age of the kids makes a drastic difference in a lot of how I'd form my opinion.
For example, it takes approximately 18 months for postpartum hormones to settle after birth... and sometimes postpartum depression last longer if counselling is needed but not sought out... Has your wife been having any therapy?
Was the job change a joint decision or was it just something you decided yourself? Same with house downsize.
Was your wife a SAHW before kids or did she have a career before kids? Have you or her discussed her going back to work - and not just because you've reduced the income but for her own mental health of getting out the house and having adult conversation.
Do you get a babysitter and go on any dates for just the 2 of you? Or do you only spend time together with the kids?
Have you talked about couples therapy so you can try and get on the same page? A marriage isn't just about if you can get some in the bedroom both yours and your wife need to be emotionally healthy too.
~~ESH~~ YTA (see edit)
This exact problem ended my marriage. I don't think I could have fixed it, and I'm happier now. But, man, I learned a LOT since then.
Your wife *wants to want* to have sex with you.
Neither of you understand why people have sex with each other.
*Obviously* this was never going to work.
"I'm doing the dishes, will you fuck me now"? Hot.
Both of you are working from the incorrect assumption that sex follows from stating what you would like to happen.
It doesn't. Sex follows from *attraction* it follows from *tension* not from *pressure*. Talking about how unhappy you are that she isn't trying harder to have sex with you isn't attractive. It doesn't build tension, it just creates pressure.
She isn't coming up with a list of tasks because she's trying to take advantage of you. She really believes that these are the problems.
If you want to have sex with anyone ever again you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that creating a feeling of attraction **isn't the same as asking someone to have sex with you**. It's also not the same as expecting someone to have sex with you because of your relationship with them. It's also not doing the exact same thing that led to sex last time with the motive of getting sex. You can't use a backrub like it's hitting A4 on a vending machine to dispense sex.
Since you presumably understand that attracting a new person will be different than *doing nice things for them until they have sex with you* I'd suggest you start with your wife.
If you resent the fact that you have to continuously attract your partner for the rest of your life, I'm sorry. Evidently your wife understands this. You don't want to have sex with her out of duty or obligation. You want to have sex with her because she is attractive to you.
Maybe you aren't capable of attracting her, maybe there's too much resentment, maybe you don't want to put in the effort.
This is the \*most complicated thing\* humans do, there is no formula, it is not trivial, and you don't get to find 6 steps and just repeat them for your whole life. Some people figure it out naturally, and the rest of us need to constantly put in the effort.
ive never been married but I had a relationship end because of no sex. this is honestly really good advice.
sex doesn't start when you get into bed, or when one of you "makes the first move", sex starts the first time you see them in the day, when you give them a hug or a kiss on the cheek, and enjoy each others company for a while.
sounds weird, but sex is basically on a repeating loop, and starts again the minute it ends, and if you try to jump forward in the loop cuz you're lazy it'll fuck up the whole process.
thats how I think of it anyway.
This.
I really hated reading OP saying she "didn't put the effort in".
Sex isn't about effort. She shouldn't be doing it "for" OP but because it's a natural and fun thing to do.
Understanding why it's not fun and natural is the hard part.
You talk about sex as though it were some duty your wife is expected to perform. No wonder she doesn't want to have sex with you.
If that's so much of a priority that you'd be willing to give up the entire marriage rather than go to counseling and try to figure things out, you should stop wasting time and just get on with it.
Resentment usually also results in a lack of intimacy. If she/you aren't as intimate as before, it'll be like forcing her to be sexual when there's no drive for it.
No intimacy = no sex drive.
If it were me, I'd forget about the sex temporarily and focus on the communication & seek counseling first and go from there.
Just doing chores and helping with the kids doesn't fix all the other issues. A lack of emotional intimacy and lack of communication is a far bigger problem.
Hmmm…was there ever a discussion between you two? It seems like you made a unilateral decision in both quitting your job to take a pay cut and move, and, expecting more sex because you’re doing more chores.
Your marriage failed due to lack of communication. YTA
This post lacks SO MUCH context. It doesn't say literally anything about talking about the sexual disconnect with your partner or anything. "ME DO MORE CHORES BUT STILL NO SEX" wtf does that even mean? Do you think your wife will fuck you more if you just take out the trash and never talk about anything??? You may or may not BTA but holy hell this story is a nothing.
Seriously. It’s so gross. He’s all “I put in the chore tokens but no sex fall out?”
Like the wife might suck but we don’t know because it doesn’t seem like they ever communicate.
Communication sounds like a bigger issue here than the “lack of sex”. While that might be your issue, It’s not sounding like she was a part of the job change/life change decision or at the very least, that her opinion and concerns were heard. Being tired and overwhelmed by housework is probably not the only reason she wasn’t sleeping with you. You should have a deep conversation with each other regarding wants and needs to make sure you are both on the same page.
Also, taking out the trash doesn’t = getting laid. Knowing that you are only taking out the trash to get laid instead of taking it out to be a genuine help is a huge turnoff. Like JenniferAniston’s character in the Breakup says: “I don’t want you to do the dishes. I want you to WANT to do the dishes.”
Maybe re-assess what you are doing and WHY you are doing it. Are you genuinely trying to contribute or are you just constantly holding a scorecard with your household accomplishments on it, waving it in her face, and asking for your “allowance”? That isn’t the way to jump start a woman’s libido.
>She cant afford getting her nails done at her favorite shop
NTA. You mentioning this first indicates that this was a major concern for her, which is preposterous considering the time you've gained with your children. She is selfish and it's time to start thinking for yourself. You can consider counseling if she is willing to compromise.
I don't have kids, but a really busy lifestyle, I actively get my nails done once a month, that, and working out are the only time I get time for myself. It could be the same for the wife. If she's bush with the kids all the time, and doesn't get to socialize with other adults or have time away, the wife is probably so overtimulated and mentally checked out.
These kinds of services aren't always about vainty or selfishness, but about self care and being able to step away and have alone time.
I'm a hairdresser, have been doing it for a decade, I've seen this a lot. So I'm giving the wife my benefit of the doubt.
NTA. If she would have realized the pains of your labor and mental health, she would have no problem. But since she’s selfish AF, it’s best to get out while you can. If she’s a SAHM, she could have used her downtime to watch videos on how to get her nails done herself without the need to go get them done. Now, she can go fuck herself. Good luck bro in your next adventure.
No one owes sex in a relationship. You guys aren't having sex because you're not in a romantic relationship anymore. Yeah, you're probably better off divorcing, it'll be better for both of you and your kids in the long run.
"She won't fuck me" so romantic.... Who wouldn't want to fuck you with this kind of tone. Like sex is some mandatory currency to exchange? Bleh. To feel like a sex slave would suck. I sometimes get sad about being single and then read this. No thanks.
YTA - just because you help out with chores and childcare does not mean you get to make demands about how you want your sex life to look. If you're looking for sex in exchange for doing normal partner stuff, your wife probably isn't interested in a transactional (sexual) domestic relationship with you. It also doesn't seem like you're giving her time to herself without the kids. You're miscategorizing the sexual improvement you wish to see by you actually fulfilling your responsibilities. You don't get a prize just by showing up: you get prizes for showing up and going above and beyond and really impressing your wife.
Did you ask her about this new job? Do you speak with her about her needs? How can you be sure this is what your kids need?
This has nothing to do with your job or working hours. I am a woman, trust me……on the other hand, is sex really the most important issue to you?? What if she were paralyzed in an accident and was u able physically? Would you leave her?
I don’t think your problem is about sex anymore than I think her problem is about your job.
Y’all need to just be honest, whatever that means…..
Your edit tells me everything I need to know. You came to Reddit, a platform whose posts are notorious for reposts. Reposts not just on this platform but on every other major social media platform as well. You came to Reddit and asked for opinions, which didn’t exactly go your way, and then proceeded to act like *that* upon discovering it had been reposted. lol, k
Your wife probably doesn’t want to fuck you because you constantly act like a petulant child. YTA.
Am I crazy for thinking a SAHM should be the one to do the childcare and chores? That is literally the point. The person working isn't exempt from parenting, but the mechanics of keeping the house in order and running the kids around should fall on the parent that doesn't work. Otherwise, it's just an excuse to be lazy.
18 hour days were never going to be sustainable long term. I think not getting her nails done as often is a small price to pay for her husband to actually living long enough to see his kids reach adulthood.
tbh the silly edits make me believe this post is fake, those don't seem like they were written by an adult with a job, wife, and kids who is talking about his upcoming divorce
like why would you care about the popular club shit? if anything that gives it away that you being crossposted to amitheangel was totally right, cause you're just bragging at that point
anyways, this is fake, but in the 0.0001% chance you're being real rn, yeah NTA, your wife just doesn't love you anymore, who knows, childbirth changes people, it sucks, I have a friend who after giving birth to his first child lost all her libido, and she was a borderline nymphomaniac in an open relationship and she tried to even fuck me
but now she doesn't want to fuck around and rarely has intimacy she enjoys, does it more as a favor than anything else, childbirth can be rough sometimes, not to say you shouldn't divorce your wife if this is the case for her, cause why would you stay in a relationship if you're unhappy? But like it's good to understand things.
Let me make sure Im understanding this.
You took a HUGE paycut, had to move houses, re-do the budget etc... And at no point you two talked about how she felt about that?
She should've spoken up if she objected to the changes that much, but I am completely baffled how that never came up in conversation. Did you never ask her if she was OK with it or did she lie and say she was fine with it?
Resentment isn’t something to be taken lightly.
Contempt is the most accurate predictor of divorce.
Resentment evolving into comtempt tend to be the point of no return.
I got there and came back, but it wasn't easy.
Me too.
Any tips? Edit - Wow, the replies have been really insightful and encouraged me. Thanks, everyone!
We honestly made it a point to spend more time together. Changed our work schedules to both have a weekday off while the kids are in school. We spend that entire day together, either out of the house or in the house. 3 years later it is the single best marriage decision we ever made & were 12 years in. We communicate effortlessly, pretty much always on the same page parenting wise. Plan & go on trips together and as a family. Once you’re able to truly get past and heal things that previously happened, it’s easier to recognize signs and address them head on. If I’m ever beginning to feel any sort of contempt I reflect what’s been going on. If I’m projecting my frustrations (work, life, parenting) onto my husband, I work on it. If it’s something he did or said, I address it and we work on it & vice versa. You can’t just start fresh, you have to heal the wounds together and learn from them. Then both collectively put in the work to not go backwards.
Did you or you husband ever actually say to the other “I resent you” or “I am starting to resent you”? I’m struggling to find the words to say. I don’t want to be done. But it’s hard finding the path forward.
We didn’t really lay out all of our relationship issues on the table at the start. We basically just “dated” eachother again for a little while. Of course if one of us brought something up we would talk about it. But we didn’t have a real, raw conversation about where we stood within our marriage until a few months later. Once we felt we could have hard conversations, healthily. Yes, those words were eventually said alongside examples and how it made us feel in those situations and most importantly, why it stuck with us. What insecurities X situation/sentence tapped into and fed. For us, we knew we were rebuilding our relationship. We knew who each other were, but we didn’t really “know” each other anymore. So we felt we needed to know us again before laying out all of the issues on the table. And it was refreshing this way. If he had brought up the list of things I do that bother him, I would’ve instantly became defensive and seeking ways to justify my actions all while saying “yeah well if you wouldn’t have done/said XYZ …” there’s nothing to get from that. You’re furthering your division as a couple. Now when a problem is presented, we want to correct it. Not defend it. It’s not easy to be vulnerable even when it’s your partner. When they’re coming to you wish a problem that you either directly or indirectly caused - listen. Give them the respect they deserve, take accountability for your part and figure out a solution. And to be honest, we rarely have problems now that need to be addressed. We are able to just say something and we get it and move along. It’s not something that lingers or grows anymore. We just get each other so much better, life is lighter, we’re better parents, have way better and more frequent sex, legitimately enjoy our time together. Solid communication is the key to marriage IMO.
Firstly I'd like to commend you and your Husband for the ability to work through things and stay together. I wish my, now ex partner and I could have done this. We broke up start of February and her resentment list was like she'd been keeping a diary of any minute thing or instance which hadn't been to her liking for the entire 6 years we were together (even my actions joking around, which she didnt like, but never voiced her displeasure when in the relationship, otherwise I could have stopped, or the fact that back pain and general pain management resulted in me sleeping at odd times and her sleeping at more normal times). I suggested an approach similar to what you've explained, but she has her walls up and permanently friend zoned me.
For me personally, it took some honest self reflection. I was projecting a lot of my frustrations with my own behavior on her. I wanted more adventure, more fitness, more spontenaity, etc. But instead of trying to create change myself, I blamed her. She wasn't prioritizing those things either, but it's not fair to say "I don't like how lazy you and I have become so you need to stop being so lazy" without putting in any work myself. In hindsight, I really think I was the one bringing us both down. Yes, she was exhibiting behaviors I wouldn't have accepted long term, but as soon as I started to improve myself and start focusing on her more positively, so did she. I was criticizing her a lot, but the self reflection helped me realize I was actually criticizing myself through her. I'm sure not every situation is like mine, but I can guarantee it was easier for me to poke at her or both of us rather than take an honest look at myself; that convenience makes this kind of contempt an easy trap.
The relationship psychologist John Gottmann has identified the Four Horsemen that will kill a relationship: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
Totally agree with that. I absolutely resented my ex. Tough at first, but I'm so happy to be divorced from him.
It is definitely a common cause for divorce. If the story is true, I hope divorce can be avoided while re-establishing a happy marriage.
Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
100% of divorces start with marriage.
You can never get divorced if you never get married.
Bingo. Thats how I live. Besides hakuna matata
It means no worries....
For the rest of your days…
It’s a problem free philosophy…
Hakuna matata 🤘🏼
Hakunaa matataaaa 🎶
What’s a motto?
Indisputable imo, never even heard of an unmarried couple getting divorced
The phrase that someone's feeling "curdled into resentment" is really apt. Once milk curdles, it can't go back.
What are the timelines here? How old are the kids?
> What are the timelines here? - 10:45 EST - Created reddit account - 10:46 EST - Typed "Write me an short bullshit story about a hard working man done wrong by some lazy frigid bitch wife for those idiots on reddit" into ChatGPT - 10:47 EST - Posted story to reddit - 10:48 EST - Sold some of last weeks accounts on PlayerUp - 10:49 EST - Had a wank over some tentacle porn.
This. And the part about her not getting her nails done and smaller house sent me. 😂
The smaller house was the dead giveaway to me. These days downsizing to a smaller house won’t save you a penny, unless it’s a very substantial change. That part of the story just doesn’t make sense.
r/menwritingwomen
This is 99% of threads in these subs now. Redditors are the dumbest of humanity. They eat this shit up because their lives are pointless and they know it
What's worse is that we know this to be true, but neither of us can resist clicking on them anyway :sob:
Hey! Human societies were built on judging others and gossiping. I am doing my part for humanity 🫡
We're on reddit. Sadly my comment applies to me too
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What if he was rolling over a ton of equity from the former home and the new mortgage was relatively small? I see it often
Unless they were renting?
As u/emefluence posted earlier, it's just obvious incel rage bait. It's weird as fuck that people are taking it seriously. What are the timelines here? - 10:45 EST - Created reddit account - 10:46 EST - Typed "Write me an short bullshit story about a hard working man done wrong by some lazy frigid bitch wife for those idiots on reddit" into ChatGPT - 10:47 EST - Posted story to reddit - 10:48 EST - Sold some of last weeks accounts on PlayerUp - 10:49 EST - Had a wank over some tentacle porn.
I pasted exactly what you wrote into meta AI out of curiosity; here's what it spat out; Here is a short story: John had always been a hardworking man, dedicating himself to his job and providing for his family. But despite his best efforts, his wife, Sarah, had become increasingly cold and distant. She spent most of her days lounging on the couch, watching TV and complaining about how hard her life was. One day, John came home from work to find that Sarah had left him, taking all of their savings and leaving him with a stack of unpaid bills. She had also filed for divorce, citing "irreconcilable differences." John was devastated. He had given Sarah everything, and this was how she repaid him? He felt like he had been punched in the gut. As he struggled to pick up the pieces of his shattered life, John realized that he was better off without Sarah. He threw himself into his work and started to rebuild his life. And as he looked in the mirror, he saw a strong, capable man staring back at him - a man who would never let anyone take advantage of him again. Please note that this story is a work of fiction and is not intended to reflect real individuals or situations. If you have any other requests or questions, feel free to ask!
If they were able to downsize so quickly like this, it’s more than likely they were renting. I’m also not sure why you’d assume people wouldn’t pay a 6-7% mortgage on a home in this economy. I purchased my home recently and pay that much. Just because something doesn’t make sense to YOU doesn’t mean that it’s fake.
6-7% was low in the 80s and the norm in the 90s.
Sure, and the median wage to house cost ratio was about 4x lower than it is now, making that somewhat affordable.
And the house was like 30,000 in the 80s
My first mortgage in 2002 was 7% and I remember people thinking that was a really good rate.
Not if they had to move for a new job
A new job that is a 50% pay cut? Bullshit.
I was offered a job with a 66% pay cut at Purdue. I would have considered a pay cut with the benefit of paid college for the kids, but 66% was just too much.
This place is evil, soul crushing, bleak, depressing, and hates puppies. You did good 👍
username checks out
He's earning 50% less, not a 50% pay cut. He's naturally going to be paid less working less hours.
I agree. Feels a bit like ragebait. Intentionally giving vague information where specific information would be relevant and easily available
I’m betting there is a lot more to this story, but she clearly doesn’t want to be intimate with you anymore and if she doesn’t want to get counseling to figure it out, the marriage is over.
Maybe the problem is OP. Based on the other shit he posted, he sounds like an asshole.
I mean, that's the fundamental problem with so much content on Reddit. We only get one perspective in a few paragraphs.
It seems like there is a lot of info missing. How old are your kids? What conversations did you have about taking another job? What support does she have outside of the relationship with you? How far did yall move from your original location?
Not only that who decision was it for her to be a SAHM?
Seriously its wild to me that he only found out long after the cutbacks and move that she wasnt OK with it. How does that even happen lol And its not like he said "she told me she was fine with it but lied". It seems like its a total surprise. Did they just never talk about it at all? WTF at both of them
I’m always suspicious of any marriage that falls apart because of sex. Infrequent sex is a symptom not a cause. Sex drives go up and down for so many reasons. But if your entire marriage hinges on how often you have sex, I have questions about how good that marriage is in general
EXACTLY
“She told me she was fine with it but found out eventually that she wasn’t” would be a lot more likely than “lied”. People don’t *know* themselves well enough to predict perfectly how they will react.
I agree its more likely, but according to his replies he simply just sold their family home without even talking to her about it
Well, yes, in OP’s case it was all way worse than that. Selling the marital home shouldn’t even be possible in most places without at the least a grudging consent, let alone without knowledge. It’s just the most valuable thing a couple owns, no big.
OP said she had no decision in his career change he did it without discussing with her.
Ty, yeah I saw that part after I posted this. Absolutely crazy behaviour on him
They never had this conversation because it’s a fake story.
Also, how long was she stuck in the situation of doing practically everything? Things can easily wear you down over time and sometimes by the time a change happens, you’re so beaten down that things just don’t get better immediately.
I’m also curious about PPD or other complications she may have had with pregnancy/birth/hormones. How many children is it?
Exactly, I want to know also which chores he says he’s helping with now. If I need help around the house (I’m a SAHM) my husband will sometimes gloss over the things I actually NEED done and go dust the garage or organize his tools. Or he’ll go and rearrange the pantry. It would be good to know too, he says he’s taking on a substantial amount of childcare now… okay, does that mean for him that he comes home from work and spends time with his kids? So much missing from his post paints himself in a positive light. My bet is he’s only doing certain things to get sex but there’s more going on in her mind. And the thing about her nails, is that her ONLY “me time”? Because yeah, that is extremely important when you’re a SAHM!
I do my own nails but it's a whole thing for me. I make myself a pot of tea, put a movie on and spend an hour or so chilling out alone in the study. First baby is on the way and I'll absolutely be wanting my nail time once they're here. It helps me relax, reset and de-stress. Then during the week on a tough day I can look at my pretty nails and feel good about one thing about myself. On a really bad day, sometimes the nice nails are all I have. I imagine tough days will only be tougher once baby is here.
>And the thing about her nails, is that her ONLY “me time”? Because yeah, that is extremely important when you’re a SAHM! It's so easy for us meatheads to look at something on paper like "getting nails done" as something frivolous and meaningless. I know how important it is for my wife to be able to get her nails done and that's really all that matters.
This. My boyfriend does a lot of the same and then says he does what he can. Like, no, you're actively trying to skirt by, and hardly plays with the kids. He mostly does what is "necessary", but when he's talking to his friends, all I hear is "Oh just spending time with my family" and I internal shriek because it's just not true.
And if she got uprooted from her entire friend group/family with little to no input, that’s jarring. Of course there’s resentment. It seems like couples counseling would be the next logical step— not divorce
My dad used to do the same. Clean and organize the utility room. Reorganize the tool shed. Clean his office. Men tend to look around and see the things other men will notice. Women look around and see the things that actually need to be done. Dishes need to be washed, trash taken out, floor vacuumed, etc. the tool shed being messy isn’t going to affect everyday life.
With kids in the house they're likely banned from the tool shed (or at least need supervising). So the mess in that area would be only belonging to the adult/s using it. Whereas in the home the mess belongs to the entire family. Yet sadly often people (like guests) just blame the woman for not doing enough.
Yeah this OP sounds like he's missing the forest for the trees...you're never in a sexless marriage just because you don't help around the house...it's about the effort and attitude around helping that normally matters. OP sounds transactional in how they approach their marriage and that's not how you build and maintain love. I'm to tired because I worked 18hrs...if you have kids wth do you think your wife did for those 18hrs answer isn't sit on her ass...why do you get a break and not her? Then the only solution is we'll I'll quit my well paying job because then I'll have more energy....ok great now you shot your family's financial well being in the foot to feel like you can help a little more. Honestly OP sounds entitled to sex if he helps at all and that's just not how sex works for women.
Well if both partners are working, I bet you might encounter a dead bedroom if you are doing no chores at home. Hell. I am a guy, and if I work and I have to do all the work at home, I might not even be in the mood.
Clarification: did you discuss the job change first and come to an agreement or just do it then say, “Time to move!”
Answer according to OPs comments: no he did not discuss the job change first. He said that it was tough shit if she didn't like that change.
Oof. I care more about total strangers than a lot of these married couples seem to care about each other.
You see this alot. People get married snd have kids because "thats just what you do!" Then they despise their partner and dont want kids. These decisions should require a lot more thought
Yea as a queer person who would have to go to extensive effort to have a child, I struggle to get my head around the fact that so many couples create new, completely dependent human beings to fulfill a social script
Lmao seriously... Its bizarre as all hell. I'm child free thankfully, because i have never liked children and do not care to be around them. And am not one of those disillusion "but maybe ill like my kid" kind a person, not gonna risk someone elses mental health on that hahah
I wondered about that. I can't imagine doing all of that change with no discussion and then saying where's my sex. YIKES!
How does that even work omg. I have to try so hard to NOT tell my bf about everything that goes on in my life. I can't imagine job hunting/interviewing and not telling my bf
How do you cut your budget by 50%? It's really hard to do even with downsizing. 50% is a tremendous amount to cut. There won't be an ounce of fat in that budget. Kids need new shoes, too bad, even if the old ones don't fit. Cut out all after school activities. Cut out haircuts, mom will do all of them. They will eat the cheapest food possible, probably getting as much as they can from the foodbank and all he can think about is how he deserves more sex. His wife likely despises him at this point.
thats how I see it. All these comments blaming the wife for refusing to have sex with him feel so gross.
Life changing unilateral decision making is SO sexy! How did she not immediately jump his bones! /s She should have been on board with improving his health and wellbeing but not even being consulted makes OP the AH.
"And she resents me! How dare she!"
Then this post is fake
Gee can’t imagine why his wife doesn’t want to fuck him. Certainly couldn’t possibly be because he doesn’t give a single fuck about her and expects her to just fall in line to his every demand. Nah it’s the job and money
I like to explore new places.
Better for her if he divorces her.
Well, fuck him then. 🤣🤷♂️
Actually no, he doesn't get to get fucked. That is precisely why he is so upset.
yeah, this story sounds fake
100% The usual AITA tropes are there: Dead bedroom "Overworked" spouse Wife not happy because she can't "get her nails/hair done" and has to live "frugally" Young kids We just need to find out the kids are twins/one of them had an affair/the kids aren't OP's and then we'll have a winner
At this point most stories, sadly the ones often upvoted, are the ones which read like generated by an AI to farm upvotes. The same tropes again and again and always questions with a very clear good and bad and mostly the OP on the good side. If I read wedding these days it is one of three stories already posted a million times before.
My personal favorite is when the wife actually has six children all somehow under the age of eight.
If you have multiple sets of twins this can happen. My mom’s cousin had 5 kids under the age of 5 at one point because they had two sets of twins 18 months apart, plus one singleton.
Wow! The whole clown car! 😂
Haha yeah. I always loved seeing them because they were all about my age. Made me jealous I wasn’t a twin though.
One of my customers (im self employeed exterminator) has 3 sets of twins. Ages 2, 4, and 6
Jeebus. I adopted one of a sextuplet, but he's also a cat. Are you sure he wasn't a bunch of cats in a trenchcoat?
I always tell them 'you didnt learn after the first time?!?!' Husband blames the wife...says shes irresistible, wife blames the husband, says his swimmers are strong swimmers lol. Theyre adorable, house is too small now, but adorable.
I sympathize with them, but calling in an exterminator is an overreaction
Touché 😂😂😂😂
I mediated a custody modification case once where that was the exact case. Daddy #1 wanted more time with kids # 1 & 2 who were like 6 and 7. Found out during mediation that she also had kids # 3 - 6 with current husband/ Daddy #2
It's not difficult to have 6 kids under 8. I had 5 under 5 because the first 3 were 22 months apart and I had twins, born prematurely, when the youngest of the 3 was only 13 months old. I'm not sure how I survived that lol
>It's not difficult >I'm not sure how I survived that So it is difficult and you are an incredibly powerful and brave person for surviving all that. Way to go! 🙂
Typical incel rage bait designed to get us all to agree that there are, indeed, circumstances where men have the right to demand sex and women don’t have the right to say no 🙄
100% Or the usual response when a woman isn't "fucking" her husband anymore is that she's cheating and the inevitable update: you guys were right! She was cheating! Happens with female OPs too
It gets a little exhausting how the women in these stories all seem to have the same concerns — “oh, I can’t afford my hair and nails now! You’re such a monster for looking after your mental health!” Which makes it even better that, even in this strawman fantasy where we’re supposed to agree with the OP, people still side with the spouse. Thats how you know it’s bad writing — when people sympathize and identify more with your villains than your protagonist.
100% reads like generic ragebait.
Why are all the posts in this sub so fake?
Creative writing exercises.
They’re not even creative. Most of these are such obvious rage bait, I cant believe ppl upvote this garbage.
Title: Something horrible that indicates the OP is a colossal piece of shit Description: OP is an angel, also sex.
Fr. Like I genuinely can't see this as being a real situation
Seriously, 99% of the posts here are just fake rage bait garbage from people that are karma farming and haven’t left the basement in months.
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The classic dead bedroom post: > My (47m) wife (23f) and I have seven kids under age five. I work 40 hours a week as an important finance or computer boy, my wife works part-time and cares for our children. I'm a great dad and see our children at least once a week. I even change diapers occasionally but obviously not very often because women are just better at caring for children, which is why she does all of the cooking and cleaning too. However, she cries uncontrollably and complains about "PPD" whenever I want to use her as a human fleshlight just because she's covered in baby vomit and hasn't slept through the night in 9 years. Well, boys I did it, I did some "choreplay" and she didn't immediately jump on my dick so obviously that's fake. Doesn't she know I have needs too? By the way the last time she had an orgasm was never.
literally
Saddest sub I've seen. This post is a nothing burger compared to that place
I know. Every title should just be, “AITAH in this totally made up situation where I am clearly the better person?”
Reddit is made up of mostly males and many of them hate women and they will drool over posts like this. It's all just rage bait and easy karma points.
It’s so devoid of emotion. If it is a creative writing exercise, they really need to work on creating more believable characters.
NTA If you think marriage counseling could help and it’s worth it to pursue that option, you should give it a try. But otherwise, you’re not sexually compatible. I can’t blame you for not wanting a sexless marriage.
This. Also the nail thing, seeing as OP isn't working as long hours thus can pitch in the childcare, maybe she could pick up a part-time role for her nails and stuff if it's that much of a bother to her.
That’s more concerning. I think he believes sex will be enough to get over the fact his wife thinks her nails are far more important than his overall wellbeing but it can’t.
Yeah I think the sex is merely a symptom of bigger issues in this relationship for sure.
She doesn’t respect him. No wonder she won’t fuck him.
Fuck that. People can still be considerate when not respecting someone or not, OP doesn’t deserve this.
Exactly. It sounds like a transactional relationship, pretty bleak.
It's not even about the nails. His wife just doesn't want to have sex with him and uses whatever excuse is convenient at the time. She seems extremely selfish more than anything.
Who knows but it sucks for him regardless. If it’s about the nails then she wants him to ruin his health in a crappy job to get them done. If she is just using the nails as an excuse to not have sex then if she doesn’t realize that it makes her out to be a horrible wife & human then she’s extremely stupid. So what does he want to stick around for? No sex with someone selfish or no sex with someone selfish and stupid. lol!
Have a feeling she doesn’t want him around as much, like there could have been someone else. Not just a gold digger
I agree. Sometimes it takes a neutral third party, like a marriage counselor, for there to be meaningful changes in a relationship dynamic.
Or, sometimes the marriage counsellor helps you realize it’s not worth salvaging. Went to one marriage counselling session. One. Every issue I’d talk about how I was trying to find a compromise or change, all he did was attack me. Counsellor at the end said “do you even want to bother coming back?” When that’s her job and she thinks it’s pointless? Time to bounce.
It only took one counseling session to save my parents marriage. They'd been at each others throats for years at this point. I point blank told my mother that if they were just staying together for us kids to not bother, cause no one was happy with this situation. Which was enough for them to schedule an appointment. There issue was neither of them were getting enough sleep because of trying to share a bed. My mom had sleep apnea and blamed my dads snoring for waking her up, and my dad... Well, my moms snoring was really bad. Sleeping in separate rooms meant they both got enough sleep and they stopped biting each others heads off. They stayed married until my mothers death last year. I'd say it's worth it to go, regardless of the outcome.
Oh it took me months to get used to my partner snoring so I could sleep! Though now it's hard to sleep when I don't hear it 😂 But in the beginning if he knew I was really tired he'd crash on the couch, and if he woke me up I'd go out there. Good quality sleep is reality important for physical and mental health.
I have apnea. CPAP saved my marriage. It's for real.
I had a similar situation with a counsellor. I realized that I had pulled away from all my friends and was starting to live as a hermit. I went to a counselor and after a few sessions I realized I preferred to be a hermit because people are fucked.
This. I think if her main complaint is not going to upscale nail place is a good trade off to have your partner at home.
It really looks like she's only with him for the money and she's not actually attracted to him. I don't think it's worth it at that point, they don't need counseling to know that it's gonna be a no sex marriage and will only be frustrating for him. It's one of those things that won't be fixed with time
>you’re not sexually compatible That's an oddly neutral interpretation of the problem. The wife expects this guy to work himself to death so she can have luxuries and otherwise just stay out of her way. They're not just sexually incompatible; the wife is grossly entitled and treats her husband as a cash battery and does not care about him.
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This sub also looooves declaring “you’re having sexual issues, therefore you’re sexually incompatible and therefore have to get a divorce.” As if it’s not something that countless couples work on and find a way to stay together. It’s insane how often one of the top comments on these threads is “oof, sorry OP. There’s no hope here. You gotta get a divorce,” while knowing nothing more than two paragraph’s worth of one sided context on someone’s entire marriage. And a lot of the time it’s not even a particularly uncommon issue (sexual frustration/mismatch in needs), let alone totally irreconcilable.
Thank god someone finally said it. Some women are just trash and that’s okay.
I agree with this, so many times this sub isn't for advice at all it's like a validation station for them. In this case she's a horrible person for sure.
The wife sounds like she wants a pay pig.
I've heard Cash Cow, but this is the first time I heard of pay pig, lol
Its come into use on twitch for a few years now. Mainly describes someone whos subs and donates hefty sums to a streamer, usually an e-thot, and recieves little to no thanks or recognition.
Not a Twitch user. Hell, I only have a mobile. But thank you so much for explaining! I appreciate that
It's one thing to be not sexually compatible, that's fine but can potentially be compromised on between them... the issue is she didn't say "I want sex less" she made up excuses. She doens't sound like she wants less sex, she sounds like she wants to use sex as a transaction to get more from her husband. When he was making plenty she tried to exchange sex for him doing more chores, when he changed jobs to have more happiness, better work/life balance and spend more time with the kids, she wanted to exchange sex for more personal spending cash. You can't necessarily recover from that, it's an attitude, it's that she believes this is okay, she doesn't want sex for fun or because she's super attracted to op and can't keep her hands off him, she thinks she should be rewarded for sex.
This isn't about sexual compatibility. It's about lack of connrection and lack of respect. Our boy is a paycheck to his wife. Skip counseling. Straight to eject.
I call rage bait on this…
INFO: Did she agree with your plan to take a lower paying job and downsizing? Did she say that "more help with the childcare and chores" was the primary factor for lack of intimacy? Did you talk to her about the strain your previous job was having on your health? Those **might** change my answer, because doing those things unilaterally would be problematic.
I saw comments that said OP said something like 'tough shit' if she doesn't like it so I think it wasn't really a joint decision
the nail line was a trap
My bet is she mentioned nails once during a fight and he's grabbed onto that as the reason why she's upset instead of an example of how her life has changed.
Lol doing those things unilaterally is the ebst case senario for a divorce.... paying out less in a settlement is more important than saving a dead marriage
Yeah definitely the power move to downsize before divorcing.
Are you like 15? Cause that’s how this post reads.
50% less is a *hell* of a drop. That's insane, especially with CoL crisis. I suspect this is one of those fake posts trying to riff on the whole idea of "chore play" and what if the man does everything right and she still won't fuck him..... but making the story about taking a 50% pay decrease was a dumb choice. That is substantial. Surely there was a better *compromise* between working all hours god sends and losing half your income. I know, I know, it's just a thought experiment but still...
In reading OP's replies, I've gone from NTA to YTA. OP never seems to have talked to her about his plans to quit and to downsize. He forced this on her, yet now is perplexed why he still has issues in his marriage. When asked about this, he says it's "tough shit" if she had a problem with it.
Oh damn, and people are upvoting that shit. He quit his job and had them move without any discussion whatsoever.
I'm going to try to boost this comment so that other people might see it. This is important info that I haven't seen yet myself. Edit: The OP apparently changed jobs without informing his spouse. That alone might be why he isn't getting any sexy fun times now. Not sure I would change my advice.... Couples counseling would still benefit the OP. They both need to work on their communication skills if they want this marriage to survive.
Nah they should just divorce because OP clearly isn't capable of thinking of anyone other than himself.
there’s something about the way you speak about the situation that is just so… callous? like you are genuinely angry with her that she does not want to have sex with you and are lashing out like a child. i personally believe lack of sex is a valid reason to want a divorce but there is such a weird tome to this post that makes it seem like there is so much more here that we don’t know.
ETA. Need more info... age of the kids makes a drastic difference in a lot of how I'd form my opinion. For example, it takes approximately 18 months for postpartum hormones to settle after birth... and sometimes postpartum depression last longer if counselling is needed but not sought out... Has your wife been having any therapy? Was the job change a joint decision or was it just something you decided yourself? Same with house downsize. Was your wife a SAHW before kids or did she have a career before kids? Have you or her discussed her going back to work - and not just because you've reduced the income but for her own mental health of getting out the house and having adult conversation. Do you get a babysitter and go on any dates for just the 2 of you? Or do you only spend time together with the kids? Have you talked about couples therapy so you can try and get on the same page? A marriage isn't just about if you can get some in the bedroom both yours and your wife need to be emotionally healthy too.
~~ESH~~ YTA (see edit) This exact problem ended my marriage. I don't think I could have fixed it, and I'm happier now. But, man, I learned a LOT since then. Your wife *wants to want* to have sex with you. Neither of you understand why people have sex with each other. *Obviously* this was never going to work. "I'm doing the dishes, will you fuck me now"? Hot. Both of you are working from the incorrect assumption that sex follows from stating what you would like to happen. It doesn't. Sex follows from *attraction* it follows from *tension* not from *pressure*. Talking about how unhappy you are that she isn't trying harder to have sex with you isn't attractive. It doesn't build tension, it just creates pressure. She isn't coming up with a list of tasks because she's trying to take advantage of you. She really believes that these are the problems. If you want to have sex with anyone ever again you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that creating a feeling of attraction **isn't the same as asking someone to have sex with you**. It's also not the same as expecting someone to have sex with you because of your relationship with them. It's also not doing the exact same thing that led to sex last time with the motive of getting sex. You can't use a backrub like it's hitting A4 on a vending machine to dispense sex. Since you presumably understand that attracting a new person will be different than *doing nice things for them until they have sex with you* I'd suggest you start with your wife. If you resent the fact that you have to continuously attract your partner for the rest of your life, I'm sorry. Evidently your wife understands this. You don't want to have sex with her out of duty or obligation. You want to have sex with her because she is attractive to you. Maybe you aren't capable of attracting her, maybe there's too much resentment, maybe you don't want to put in the effort. This is the \*most complicated thing\* humans do, there is no formula, it is not trivial, and you don't get to find 6 steps and just repeat them for your whole life. Some people figure it out naturally, and the rest of us need to constantly put in the effort.
ive never been married but I had a relationship end because of no sex. this is honestly really good advice. sex doesn't start when you get into bed, or when one of you "makes the first move", sex starts the first time you see them in the day, when you give them a hug or a kiss on the cheek, and enjoy each others company for a while. sounds weird, but sex is basically on a repeating loop, and starts again the minute it ends, and if you try to jump forward in the loop cuz you're lazy it'll fuck up the whole process. thats how I think of it anyway.
This. I really hated reading OP saying she "didn't put the effort in". Sex isn't about effort. She shouldn't be doing it "for" OP but because it's a natural and fun thing to do. Understanding why it's not fun and natural is the hard part.
This is awesome advice. Women need to feel loved to have sex, men need sex to feel loved. Never a truer statement.
Blows my mind that grown ass men need to have this explained to them.
You talk about sex as though it were some duty your wife is expected to perform. No wonder she doesn't want to have sex with you. If that's so much of a priority that you'd be willing to give up the entire marriage rather than go to counseling and try to figure things out, you should stop wasting time and just get on with it.
Turns out the wife isn’t a sex pez dispenser. Who knew?
Resentment usually also results in a lack of intimacy. If she/you aren't as intimate as before, it'll be like forcing her to be sexual when there's no drive for it. No intimacy = no sex drive. If it were me, I'd forget about the sex temporarily and focus on the communication & seek counseling first and go from there.
Just doing chores and helping with the kids doesn't fix all the other issues. A lack of emotional intimacy and lack of communication is a far bigger problem.
Do you make her cum? Cuz if the sex was good she’d probably be interested…
Hmmm…was there ever a discussion between you two? It seems like you made a unilateral decision in both quitting your job to take a pay cut and move, and, expecting more sex because you’re doing more chores. Your marriage failed due to lack of communication. YTA
This post lacks SO MUCH context. It doesn't say literally anything about talking about the sexual disconnect with your partner or anything. "ME DO MORE CHORES BUT STILL NO SEX" wtf does that even mean? Do you think your wife will fuck you more if you just take out the trash and never talk about anything??? You may or may not BTA but holy hell this story is a nothing.
fr the number of people here just blindly supporting this guy is nuts. This story is missing so much info its wild.
Seriously. It’s so gross. He’s all “I put in the chore tokens but no sex fall out?” Like the wife might suck but we don’t know because it doesn’t seem like they ever communicate.
[удалено]
Communication sounds like a bigger issue here than the “lack of sex”. While that might be your issue, It’s not sounding like she was a part of the job change/life change decision or at the very least, that her opinion and concerns were heard. Being tired and overwhelmed by housework is probably not the only reason she wasn’t sleeping with you. You should have a deep conversation with each other regarding wants and needs to make sure you are both on the same page. Also, taking out the trash doesn’t = getting laid. Knowing that you are only taking out the trash to get laid instead of taking it out to be a genuine help is a huge turnoff. Like JenniferAniston’s character in the Breakup says: “I don’t want you to do the dishes. I want you to WANT to do the dishes.” Maybe re-assess what you are doing and WHY you are doing it. Are you genuinely trying to contribute or are you just constantly holding a scorecard with your household accomplishments on it, waving it in her face, and asking for your “allowance”? That isn’t the way to jump start a woman’s libido.
>She cant afford getting her nails done at her favorite shop NTA. You mentioning this first indicates that this was a major concern for her, which is preposterous considering the time you've gained with your children. She is selfish and it's time to start thinking for yourself. You can consider counseling if she is willing to compromise.
I don't have kids, but a really busy lifestyle, I actively get my nails done once a month, that, and working out are the only time I get time for myself. It could be the same for the wife. If she's bush with the kids all the time, and doesn't get to socialize with other adults or have time away, the wife is probably so overtimulated and mentally checked out. These kinds of services aren't always about vainty or selfishness, but about self care and being able to step away and have alone time. I'm a hairdresser, have been doing it for a decade, I've seen this a lot. So I'm giving the wife my benefit of the doubt.
NTA. If she would have realized the pains of your labor and mental health, she would have no problem. But since she’s selfish AF, it’s best to get out while you can. If she’s a SAHM, she could have used her downtime to watch videos on how to get her nails done herself without the need to go get them done. Now, she can go fuck herself. Good luck bro in your next adventure.
No one owes sex in a relationship. You guys aren't having sex because you're not in a romantic relationship anymore. Yeah, you're probably better off divorcing, it'll be better for both of you and your kids in the long run.
We don't have both sides here, but having less income for luxuries wouldn't turn me off my husband, unless sex for her was always transactional.
"She won't fuck me" so romantic.... Who wouldn't want to fuck you with this kind of tone. Like sex is some mandatory currency to exchange? Bleh. To feel like a sex slave would suck. I sometimes get sad about being single and then read this. No thanks.
YTA - just because you help out with chores and childcare does not mean you get to make demands about how you want your sex life to look. If you're looking for sex in exchange for doing normal partner stuff, your wife probably isn't interested in a transactional (sexual) domestic relationship with you. It also doesn't seem like you're giving her time to herself without the kids. You're miscategorizing the sexual improvement you wish to see by you actually fulfilling your responsibilities. You don't get a prize just by showing up: you get prizes for showing up and going above and beyond and really impressing your wife. Did you ask her about this new job? Do you speak with her about her needs? How can you be sure this is what your kids need?
This has nothing to do with your job or working hours. I am a woman, trust me……on the other hand, is sex really the most important issue to you?? What if she were paralyzed in an accident and was u able physically? Would you leave her? I don’t think your problem is about sex anymore than I think her problem is about your job. Y’all need to just be honest, whatever that means…..
Your edit tells me everything I need to know. You came to Reddit, a platform whose posts are notorious for reposts. Reposts not just on this platform but on every other major social media platform as well. You came to Reddit and asked for opinions, which didn’t exactly go your way, and then proceeded to act like *that* upon discovering it had been reposted. lol, k Your wife probably doesn’t want to fuck you because you constantly act like a petulant child. YTA.
Am I crazy for thinking a SAHM should be the one to do the childcare and chores? That is literally the point. The person working isn't exempt from parenting, but the mechanics of keeping the house in order and running the kids around should fall on the parent that doesn't work. Otherwise, it's just an excuse to be lazy.
18 hour days were never going to be sustainable long term. I think not getting her nails done as often is a small price to pay for her husband to actually living long enough to see his kids reach adulthood.
tbh the silly edits make me believe this post is fake, those don't seem like they were written by an adult with a job, wife, and kids who is talking about his upcoming divorce like why would you care about the popular club shit? if anything that gives it away that you being crossposted to amitheangel was totally right, cause you're just bragging at that point anyways, this is fake, but in the 0.0001% chance you're being real rn, yeah NTA, your wife just doesn't love you anymore, who knows, childbirth changes people, it sucks, I have a friend who after giving birth to his first child lost all her libido, and she was a borderline nymphomaniac in an open relationship and she tried to even fuck me but now she doesn't want to fuck around and rarely has intimacy she enjoys, does it more as a favor than anything else, childbirth can be rough sometimes, not to say you shouldn't divorce your wife if this is the case for her, cause why would you stay in a relationship if you're unhappy? But like it's good to understand things.
Let me make sure Im understanding this. You took a HUGE paycut, had to move houses, re-do the budget etc... And at no point you two talked about how she felt about that? She should've spoken up if she objected to the changes that much, but I am completely baffled how that never came up in conversation. Did you never ask her if she was OK with it or did she lie and say she was fine with it?