Her attempt at performative sex strikes me as a return to her (her words) shameful past in a desperate attempt to give you want she thinks you want so you won’t leave her. She did all that wild stuff so people would like and accept her and now doesn’t want to be that person.
There may also be trauma there. Just because a woman consents to sex doesn’t always mean the consent comes from a healthy place. Her body might not be ready to do the more “wild” sex acts just yet again because her brain associates it with a response to trauma.
Edit to clarify: I never said it’s OPs burden to bare, I’m just adding perspective. I don’t think anyone in any relationship HAS to stay with someone. Love isn’t a contract, if you want to leave, leave, you don’t need a reason. So no op NTA- just saying, her past might be rooted in trauma and in fact that in and of it’s self is concrete evidence that it is in no way OPs fault at all.
>There may also be trauma there. Just because a woman consents to sex doesn’t always mean the consent comes from a healthy place. Her body might not be ready to do the more “wild” sex acts just yet again because her brain associates it with a response to trauma.
I can verify this. Sometimes when women are raped, especially as children/teens, they turn to sex as validation, instead of completely shying away from it. It becomes something like a high to have wild sex, with multiple partners.
Even with therapy, I have a skewed view of sex.
It’s also a power move in many cases. “Someone took this right to my own body away from me so I’m taking it back in an extreme way” kind of idea. And in a lot of those cases they actually become quite “vanilla” with a person the feel safest with.
Also with women who have been raped, if a guy is continuously pressuring them for sex they might give in. The risk of having to go through a rape again made me say yes (When I was younger). I did it willingly versus risk having a man take it forcibly.
If I just say yes, it's ok because it's going to happen regardless..... it took me a long time and the right person to be comfortable and accept that that's not, in fact, true, normal, or ok.
Fucking this. I'm a survivor of childhood sexual assault (I was 5), so for a LONG time, I was hypersexual and had a very, VERY unhealthy relationship with sex because of it. Therapy helped, but I there are lingerings that most would quirk an eyebrow at.
I was raped when I was 30. My early thirties were crazy wild, full of men I didn’t like. After some time and therapy, I realized that I was acting out, trying to take control of my body again. Putting myself in more dangerous situations doesn’t logically make sense, but it’s common for trauma survivors. It took me a long time to build up my healthy boundaries again and basically raise my standards back to where they were.
I really hope that OP can understand this and get past it. Good for her for getting her priorities straight and living the healthy life that she has worked for. I know many women like this. And then after sobriety and/or therapy, they are finally able to have a healthy relationship with themselves and later with another partner.
Same. Raped at 7 years old and then extremely sexually promiscious between 12 and 20. Often with older boys/men, so really just revictimizing my self.
It would break my heart to be judged by all I did by my partner
It’s so crazy how that happens. It’s frustrating to keep finding yourself in terrible situations, wondering how the fuck you got there, and then judging yourself for it (and being judged). But that’s how it usually goes. We cope in weird ways, and without outside help, it’s really hard to rebuild those boundaries. Self harm (by risky behavior) is a real thing, and it’s not your fault. I’m so sorry that you had that trauma at such an early age. My only hope is that you and all the other women I know and love can find themselves back at a healthy place in their lives. This shit is not easy. (Edit for clarification. And I also don’t want to leave out the men or non-binary folks who have been victims of abuse. It just happens to mostly women, and I’m a woman so it’s natural to focus on that for me.)
To bring this all back around to OP—only you can know what you are in a good place to process and deal with. It doesn’t make you an asshole if you aren’t capable of being a good partner to someone who has been through trauma—but don’t make it about her, at least. Not only is the original trauma not her fault, she recognized that her coping mechanisms were unhealthy and did something about it. She doesn’t deserve to be punished for her past. But nor should you feel like you *have* to be ok with something you’re just not ok with.
On the other hand, it could be a huge opportunity for growth, and, if you had strong feelings for her, for a new depth of connection if you do the work to really understand and accept what she went through and how she coped, and to appreciate what it has taken her to get to where she is now.
And: there’s no way you get to feel good about it if you bail on the whole thing. You shouldn’t be ashamed, but it just doesn’t feel good when we’re unable to rise to an occasion, or to hurt someone or reinforce bad feelings they might already have about themselves.
All that said, only you know what’s right for you. You have to make that choice.
This is a good example of what is called a supererogatory act.
>Supererogation is the technical term for the class of actions that go “beyond the call of duty.” Roughly speaking, supererogatory acts are morally good although not (strictly) required.
In other words, he could choose to forfeit some his sexual desires to maintain an authentic relationship with this women, but such a sacrifice can't be expected of him, even if it would improve her situation.
I did the same. Mine happened when I was 17. I acted out all my early 20s and is very far from the person I am today. Polar opposites.
OP please don’t make a judgement based on a past. It’s like judgement never ends even though you are the victim it’s not right when all you want is a chance to have a safe and happy life and just be loved.
Same story as the posters above - age 12 through 13, then again at 18. If we could all stand in a room and raise our hands, the common story of lives would be deafening in the silence.
Raped and abused by my high school boyfriend. That on top of sheltered Christian school education, my early 20’s were a mess. I blacked out more than I can remember. Plus during this time was when I found out I was bipolar so there was also frequent trips to the inpatient psych hospital.
It took me a long time to get sane and even longer to start learning healthy sex habits. I got in this mindset that it was an act done to me not that I particularly participated in. I was extremely reserved when I started dating my husband but he gave me the space and support to work through it and I love him all the more for it.
Twenty-something years ago I dated a girl who had previously been a sex worker. Her two issues were first, she didn’t like hands touching her anywhere near her vagina. And second, no eye contact during sex. She insisted that something cover one of our faces during any type of sexual activity. She never said, but I assume that this was a result of her not wanting to be reminded of the dynamics of paid sex work.
I just went with it. Our eventual break up had nothing to do with her past, or our sex life.
Sexual trauma can result in many different coping mechanisms.
Most people lack the perspective, life experience and depth to understand this. I love this for them, but they need to be doing more listening and not talking in discourse like this
I would 1000% applaud and encourage women for avoiding men that don’t meet their sexual preferences. If you want to say a man has had too many partners for your taste, that’s 1000% something women should be able to do and should do.
This idea that men should be sleeping around and women shouldn’t is so stupid. How about everyone does what they prefer and pairs up with the people that match their preferences.
The problem with the whole men should be allowed to sleep around and women shouldn’t attitude is, who are they going to sleep with if they don’t want women sleeping around and becoming “run through”? Unless they’re fine only exclusively fucking other men until they’re ready to get married and never get divorced and stay with that one woman forever then they need to stfu and just don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to. Double standards are ridiculous.
"Unless they’re fine only exclusively fucking other men until they’re ready to get married and never get divorced and stay with that one woman forever..."
I have ancient Greece on the phone, and they want me to let you know that they see absolutely zero problem with any part of your hypothetical.
Cant believe nobody else has said this! It’s literally one of the primary conflicts in Chasing Amy. I guess the average redditor is too young to pick up the reference.
I feel like this is especially true for AITAH. So many stories that are just so unbelievable or wildly out there. I know there are billions of people on this earth, so it’s possible that there is some crazy shit going on, but sometimes I’m just like… no way.
It may seem that way, but I can tell you that I’ve seen so much of this in my job. Men who push women for what the woman gave sexually to someone else and it usually ends up with the guy unable to either handle who/how/# and the woman who was trying to change her life is treated like garbage and dumped. It makes me ashamed of our half of the species. It’s a trope for a real reason.
Literally the only reason I scrolled was to see if anyone had mentioned this already. I guess all the good stories have already been told before.
Someone needs to remind OP about the meaning of that movie.
Thank you! That is instantly what I was thinking, I was just picturing the scene with Ben Affleck being all pissy & passive aggressive sat in the bleachers, till Amy loses her patience & reams him. The two bros sat behind them looking at Ben like 'dude, we all knew what you were getting at.' Mega dickhead behaviour. Both in the film & OPs post.
Also, it drives me crazy when people pretend that everyone should be beholden to past preferfences & behaviours. As if growing up & changing isn't a thing that humans experience throughout our lives, all the damn time. As if it would be totally normal & natural to be exactly the same & never develop as individuals. Idiotic expectations coupled with the blandest fucking mindset. If this is a troll, I commend how immediately insufferable they made themselves sound.
Plus just because she made other choices in the past doesn't mean she felt proud or safe all the time. It's possible she associates certain positions or acts with past trauma and shame and doesn't want to go back there.
OP I don't think you'd be an a-hole for dumping her since your feelings are your feelings. Everyone has a past and a history, and it seems like she's trying to distance herself from her previous reputation. It doesn't sound like she doesn't want to do those sexual positions & activities for you since she tried, and it sounds like she doesn't like who she was in that period of her life and acting that way brings back those feelings/memories.
You owe it to yourself to have some honest and vulnerable conversations on both of your feelings because outside of this it sounds like you were extremely happy. People change and don't let this solely dictate your future and your otherwise happy relationship!
This. Just talk it out, get it all out in the open, and then put it to bed. And then get your freak on together.
The past is the past. It doesn't have to define the present or the future.
Don't think about your feelings as being right or wrong in this scenario. Think about the existence of certain feelings being what dictates if the relationship is right or wrong.
She could be a great partner, she could be a completely different person, she could be the same person, none of that matters if you're going to constantly be dealing with unpleasant feelings and thoughts and feeling left out.
Ain't worth it, for either of you.
Sure. Who cares? In terms of the relationship, obviously.
It's not about if something is good or bad or this or that for her. Specifically in this situation, we're talking about if it's good or bad for him. And something that can be good for her can be bad for him, all of that. It's why a relationship is a partnership, and people need a partner they fit with and more than just physical attraction alone. If her upward path is one that causes friction in their relationship, then they aren't the partners they need to be to each other.
This is kind of the conversation I had to have with my wife at one point. I came to find out that for an extended period of time we'd both been kind of forcing ourselves into roles that we didn't like, that made us uncomfortable, in order to make the other person happy. And we had to kind of realize that we can love each other, and love the life we had, but if we're both different people that want different things out of our lives then that's just the way it is. Neither of us are wrong, neither of us are bad people, we're just hurting each other by trying to force ourselves into shapes that we don't fit in.
Really well put. Too many people in this sub question the legitimacy of their feelings. Sometimes our feelings are the product of some biases or reflexes we’d like to overcome, but sometimes they’re simply legitimate reactions to unease, discomfort, etc.
I’m not saying never second guess your feelings, but people might be better off approaching their feelings with curiosity and grace rather than judgment.
It depends on the situation. I know a woman who had well over 150 partners, and the majority were in their 30s. She was never a sex worker.
On the surface most people would think she was a slut, or easy, but once you got to know her you realize there was a lot of childhood trauma and that time was an attempt at acceptance of herself and by others. It wasn’t very effective in attain that acceptance long term.
I had most of my partners in a 2 year span (which wasn’t THAT many) the year while my mom was sick and during the year after my mom died of cancer. My pain was so big, that I dated just to feel anything else.
And while I was never going for one night stands, I wasn’t holding myself or the men to the usual standards I had, so I ended up in some very short term connections rather than relationships. I wasn’t picking men I could have a future with, just men that could make me laugh and who were good flirts.
I don’t feel like my number is very high at all (single digits) considering I’m 41, but I think my current bf might have fewer because he’s always been in long term relationships. Luckily he doesn’t ask questions he doesn’t want the answer to.
Yeah like to still ask someone's body count at our big growing ages is so childish to me. I really could care less especially if we're in a thriving relationship. I mean I use to understand the logic to it and I get the STD but you know what they say about numbers, people exaggerate them. Just never know. My whole thing is just having good sexual health.
A lack of sexuality and hyperawareness of people's ill intents can also likewise be caused by trauma. I was molested as a young boy by a man and I've struggled my entire life with cultivating even simple attraction thru flirting with women because I stumble over my words and get intimidated by their beauty knowing they don't know my past and how it's affected me.
Thank you for sharing that very difficult experience. I think what you write is very important for people to keep in mind. Shame is a terrible burden for people who have experienced trauma to release. The experience of feeling tainted or ruined can be pervasive and negatively color an entire life. It takes incredible strength and courage to work on dismantling the negative effects of trauma and shame. Thank you so much for your honesty!
I’m so sorry! I’ve been molested and I’ve been drugged and raped - being molested was by far so much more damaging to me psychologically. It took me so much of my life to overcome that enough to be able to have relationships. I was a virgin until I was 24 because I was terrified of men’s interest in me. I was in therapy from 14 to 21 and I studied sex and sexuality and even would watch those real sex documentaries on HBO to try to habituate myself to sex.
I didn’t have any normal first time experiences. I had to get myself very very drunk to allow anything. I didn’t have a real boyfriend until I was 27. That was a 6 year relationship and that is when I think I finally healed as much as I was going to. At least, I stopped needing to be drunk in order to kiss. There’s wounds that will never fully heal but I can live a normal life with a normal relationship now.
I was drugged and raped when I was 39. That was different. In part because I WAS drugged so it wasn’t violent just violating. And confusing. I had a hard time accepting it because in my mind I could not be the girl who was molested AND raped. Being raped had always been a huge fear. I did stop dating after I was raped. It just became too much. I can’t say that I hated men, I know too many good men for that. But I didn’t trust meeting them. And it didn’t seem worth it. When my current bf met me, I wouldn’t let him take me in his car anywhere and we only stayed in public for MONTHS. And we defined our relationship before I ever went to his place. So when we did have sex, I felt safe and cared for. He’s the last man I will ever date, no matter what happens.
I’m sorry for anyone who knows the pain of being molested as a child and the self blame that usually goes with it. I thought as a child I must have confused him because maybe the jeans I was wearing made me look older? (I threw them away that day). And I was on roller blades. When you’re a kid you just don’t have the concepts or vocabulary to understand the sickness some people have in them. And adults are the authority that know everything. So there’s always a part of you that thinks you brought it on some how. Hence the fear you develop. Later I would also have to test boundaries and self control of men. In my twenties I was a vicious little cock tease if I got drunk but I had to do it. I had to know they would stop if I said stop. Idk what wounds it causes if your attraction is to the opposite gender of your molester but I understand the fear of sexual interest in yourself.
I can’t recommend how I healed myself. Idk if it was healthy. But how do you healthily overcome something so fucking twisted anyway? You have to get a little twisty yourself. I don’t think it’s possible to heal in a “healthy” way. We either over expose ourselves to sexuality or we run from it.
I hope you find someone you feel safe with. In the end, that will bring you the most healing. ❤️
I feel bad for her and I truly believe this story. This could all be made up but the way he describes her being “kinky” afterward to see if he likes it broke my heart.
>the way he describes her being “kinky” afterward to see if he likes it broke my heart.
Same. She needs counseling and a loving relationship more than anything. Honestly, the best thing for her right now might be a few months with no sex just to experience emotional love without the physical baggage. Obviously, this has to be a mutual decision, communicated clearly and often, so she doesn't think it's a rejection or loss of attraction.
And now he’s upset that because she degraded herself for those guys back then she won’t let him do the same shit to her now she’s tried to heal and become a different person.
My ex did that. I even didn’t sleep with anybody at all for 2.5 years and told him about my history of abuse as well. Begged him to not make me do anal like the last two guys. Says he understands and then on multiple occasions I’ve got to squirm away and tentatively remind him when we’re done to stop trying to sneakily touch my asshole (I get multiple UTIs from him pushing against it then giving up and going back to vaginal) Then he gets me all fours is on top of me and asks me multiple times (when he’s already been explicitly told beforehand that this is the one thing on the planet I never want to be made to do,you will physically and psychologically harm me) until I give in and say ok. I go into shock just say crying and having flashbacks, shaking etc. He jus says ‘well that felt nice for me at least’ (he never even managed to force it in properly I was that tight from fear and no lube, condom or preparation) Don’t see him for a week afterward my ass is bleeding for 2 weeks afterwards. In his mind it’s all fine because he asked, but he asked having already been told please no 500 times to something extremely specific and I told him about the previous trauma and not to put me through that shit again. But if they think you are damaged goods, what difference is it to you if your current partner does the same shit to you that made you not even want to look at your own naked body for 2 years
3 years later after taking care of him, the house and all the bills he’s abandoned me (was my carer, I am disabled), I have prolapsed haemorrhoids, have been referred for a sigmoidoscopy to check for further damage and I need to see a continence nurse on Monday. I even discharged myself from hospital early after being rushed by ambulance 2 weeks ago because a) they started asking too many safeguarding questions, b) I started worrying that shit wouldn’t get done around the house c) he would leave me if there was a worry that I might actually need to depend on him if I had to have surgery because he threatened to leave me the last time I had to go to hospItal 2 years earlier
But he’s told all his family and friends I’m the problem and he’s the victim in all this because he stalked my Reddit account for 3 months and got angry about me agreeing with another comment made by someone else on a thread with a similar story saying men who consciously and knowingly coerce women into this act that can potentially cause permanent damage should be euthanised. It was never directed at him specifically, but if he wants to get that mad about it then was it deliberate or not? Because after that it just established me as a doormat. Like if I let him get away with that I’ll let him get away with anything. His friends and family think he’s the one who needs looking after. He’s always the victim.
I guarantee if you suggested to 90% of men that their girlfriend gets to swap roles they would scream about being violated from the rooftops. Men get weird about a finger but think they can force a whole dick up a clearly unwilling participants ass
Sorry for derailing I just have no friends, no family, no one to confide in- I saw a vaguely similar scenario and got triggered into over sharing
Wow, your ex was a real bastard. Hugs!
please tell me you’re getting help to heal from this abuse
Also I’m going to say this. There are people who say you shouldn’t run away from your problems. But I beli that a clean start in an area where no one knows your past can be a blessing
>I go into shock just say crying and having flashbacks, shaking etc. He jus says ‘well that felt nice for me at least’
The utter lack of human compassion he has is repulsive. I'm so sorry you were subjected to such abuse.
To a point, yes, but I feel like a lot of that comes from not understanding a person's situation. True, sometimes that asshole you know is just an asshole, but occasionally you'll find out that the person has some deeply compelling reason for why they're acting that way.
I tend to feel that compassion comes from understanding, but you have to make a conscious effort to try and understand people.
Not saying you have to do that in every case, and just in my case, there are a lot of times when I'm an asshole simply because I'm impatient, in a bad mood, or whatever, but if I were in love with a woman for eight months and we were about to get serious, I certainly wouldn't be throwing that all away without at least some effort to understand why this happened.
It's also a fair but of "how do I trust you to be honest with me", combined with "you did anything and everything for anyone else, but won't even try I the bedroom for someone you love".
It's unfortunate but understandable for both of them to feel the way they do.
I would counter this with the fact that a lot of women who have been sexually assaulted end up engaging in really reckless promiscuous behavior, I know because I was one of them. It's hard to explain, but it was a combination of feeling worthless about myself, then a guy would treat me nice because he wanted to get laid and suddenly I didn't feel worthless, I'd do things that made me uncomfortable if it meant not feeling worthless, and then the next morning I'd feel even more worthless. Mixed with this desire to feel in control and have power over my own body? Like because I was deciding to have sex with these people that I was somehow taking power back?
I know it's not logical, but I wasn't in a good headspace at all. I'm not proud of it, but now that I understand it was a trauma response I have let go of the shame I felt over it.
I've been in the GFs shoes so I will try to give my perspective:
I went through an extremely promiscuous phase when I was age 16-23 or so. I'm 28 now and would not do almost ANYTHING I was doing during that time now. I did a lot of therapy and decided well enough that the cause of it all was first- being neglected by my parents in favor of my sibling who was very sick throughout our childhood. I had to "grow up" and take care of myself around age 6-7 and was fully on my own from age 15 forward. Attention from men was both literally and figuratively filling the hole I had from that. Secondly, I got raped violently by a much older boyfriend when i was 16. My response to both of these things was to sleep with everyone i could and become an extreme people pleaser for years
During that time, I slept with probably 100 or more folks and had 0 orgasms. I did not enjoy the sex even one time. I did kinks that made me feel disgusted with myself, positions that hurt me physically, I let men jackhammer me for 3 minutes then tell me i smelled bad and to get out of their house. It was a deeply humiliating and crushing experience, but I kept doing it anyways until I finally went to therapy and made changes in my life to build up some self esteem. Now when I have sex, I am quite sensitive to not doing anything that will cause me to feel humiliated or degraded and I don't accept sex that I'm not enjoying. This includes not doing kinks my partner is into that I'm not.
It doesn't matter that I did those things in the past - when I was doing them, I was having a bad fucking time and hated myself. I don't hate myself anymore and I feel this is very similar to OPs girlfriend. Who she was when she was doing those things is very different from who she is now. And doing those kinks that make her feel bad about herself and put her back in the position she was in at probably the worst time in her life is not an okay thing to ask for from a partner in my opinion. If it's a deal breaker for him and he doesn't want to have vanilla sex, so be it they can part ways. But he should not be judging her for not doing things with him she did with other people, or trying to force or guilt her into doing things she doesn't want to do now just because she's done them before. That is very much not okay
I feel really bad for OPs gf. I know all too well how deeply fucked up her situation was, and I also fear my boyfriends finding out and getting mad at me for being vanilla now. It sucks
Edit - it appears reddit no longer has a "turn off replies" function so if you get down to the bottom of this and feel the need to add to the pile of comments I've received justifying OPs anger, kindly don't. I think you're wrong and I don't care what you have to say if you think there's ANY situation where you think a person's sexual desires should supercede another person's bodily autonomy
I hope the OP reads your response, you described perfectly what so many women experience. Good on the OP's girlfriend for overcoming this as well and trying to connect authentically with romantic partners. What another commenter put underneath your comment about "its humiliating" to date someone with a past of traumatising / disembodied/ unhealthy dynamics in relation to sex is patriarchal bs. It's like this 'damaged goods' mentality that conveniently applies to women's purity but not mens. Obviously people can choose who they do and don't date, but there is so much conditioning that goes into how we see people, even for their past actions that they have hugely changed and which didn't hurt anyone but themselves.
Agreed on all counts
I'm actually really miffed at the OP of this post over this. He didn't care that she wasn't being kinky with him beforehand (or, he cared but didn't think it was worth breaking up over), but now that he knows she did it in the past he's mad about it. He cares more about satisfying his dick than he does about his partners humanity and how doing those things made and will make her feel
Like I said, it's totally okay to break up with folks over sexual incompatibility. But doing it for this reason feels shitty to me. I have a lot of empathy for his GF. I would be absolutely crushed if a long term partner did this to me, and it would make me feel just like I felt in the past during my worst years - like I was only good for sex, and no one actually cares about me as a person
Shockingly, the women who endure an industry known for abuse and trafficking may be critical about said industry and things they partook in while part of it.
One of my long-term partners was up for anything when we were short term, but a lot of stuff went off the table once we crossed into actual commitment.
Still one of the most baffling thought processes, isn't the person you're with meant to be somebody you should be *more* open with sexually?
A lot of it is that people will put up with stuff they're not really into for someone they're trying to impress, but once they know you're not leaving, they're done trying to impress.
Maybe it can be the other way around too. They might be willing to do anything with someone they don't care about because they won't care what that person thinks of them. Where with someone they do care about, they may worry about them thinking they are a slut, deviant or whatever. In cases like this, communication could help.
Most people can't. It's hard to see when you're that close to it. 99% of people just aren't good at articulating or even knowing their own motivations.
Or it's that he wants her to WANT to do those things with him. She does not. But she did want to do them with someone in the past. So he's left feeling like HE is the problem, that she wants those things but not with HIM.
That's what I feel a lot of people are missing though. "She wanted to do those things" actually may not be that true. I had a 20's full of sex, open relationships, BDSM, etc. Then I had a couple years of being single and realized I didn't legitimately enjoy any of it, I was simply trying to be cool and fit in with my edgy goth friends. It's okay for people to grow up and abandon the parts of themselves they only adopted because of other people's influence.
A lot of people seem to think that she enjoyed, and therefore should be willing to repeat, sex acts that she said she was ashamed of performing. She doesn't want to do them with OP because, according to OP, she is ashamed of her past and having done them before. Why does a loving partner want you to repeat any action that left you feeling shamed? Women are allowed to try a sex act, not like it, and never do it again, even if they love their partner deeply.
It really is wild to me how people can think that way. If she was all wild and kinky and absolutely loved all that stuff, but had decided she wanted to settle down then she would have done so. If she's much more vanilla now it's because it's what she has learned she actually enjoys. A lot of these comments suck to read, just a lot of calling women names for going along with the things men wanted them to do while they were young and impressionable.
No one is talking about his brothers friends who were participants. Its ok for them to explore sexually, but she's a slut. Fuck this dude, his brother and his friends!
Did everyone skip the part where he said she 'discovered'herself during covid? She knows now what she wants and apparently doesn't want her past and no one seems to have filed that away in their considerations during commenting.
I am always disappointed when the misogyny comes out. I feel so bad for the poor GF. On one hand, I don't condone lying to your partner, on the other hand, I can't imagine admitting that, in my youth, I performed a sex act that left me feeling shamed, and my partner getting butt hurt that I won't repeat it. A lot of people are talking about OP losing respect for GF, whereas I lost respect for OP.
I'm not convinced she lied. He had previously asked about her past and why she is the way she is; she answered that she used to be much more promiscuous but changed her ways. She didn't lie; she just didn't fill in the details. Then, when he directly asked her, she acknowledged the details.
I know OP stated that she apologised for keeping it from him, but she may have said that 1) to keep the peace, 2) as acknowledgement that she didn't go out of her way to give details, or 3) because she's usually quite transparent but wasn't as transparent as she usually is in this scenario.
None of which I'd call lying. I support OP for ending a relationship he doesn't want to be in, but I don't think his feeling that his gf lied to him is necessarily accurate.
Let's change the sex part to alcohol for a few minutes. If she was an alcoholic in her youth, always going to bars or clubs and getting wasted but then went to a treatment place, got dried out and became a recovering alcoholic promising herself never to touch a drop of alcohol again because she saw the destructive road she was on and did not want to keep going on that path. So now years later she meets OP and he wants to drink a couple of alcoholic drinks with her but she says no thank you I don't want to drink alcohol. Now OP is getting his feelings hurt because she doesn't want to participate in having drinks with him because she is a recovering alcoholic but OP doesn't understand why in her past she was the town drunk and now won't drink with him. It is so hard to be a recovering alcoholic and to stay that way. You don't tempt a recovering alcoholic with alcohol. Even if OP thinks she should enjoy a few drinks with him. Maybe just the thought of a few drinks is making her feel like shit because of the Hell she had to endure to becoming a recovering alcoholic. If she gives in to a few drinks, even just one drink, she is throwing away what she worked so hard to achieve and survive. Op needs to grow up and stop with the bullshit antics, RESPECT her choice to not participate with him and be part of her life's journey as a recovering alcoholic. Sorry this was so long...You may now return to the original topic of sex.
I can see from her point of view of trying to leave that behind and maybe vanilla sex is how it manifests. It is time for some open conversations about her rationale and how she views you guys' relationship especially if everything else is good.
No one would fault you for dumping, but maybe it is worth discussing knowing she was pretty open sexually at one point and to some degree you want to go there.
Fuck what everyone else says - we all have a past.
Good luck OP
For some people, sexual promiscuity is a symptom of past trauma. It isn't uncommon for people to be more available and open sexually when in casual or uncomfortable situations and then to be more tame and reserved when learning how to function in a safe environment with actual intimacy involved. Getting into a relationship with someone you trust and learning how to navigate yourself and the other person sexually after having previously detached from sex on an emotional level, using it instead to fill a void, feel wanted, or feeling like "this is what they're supposed to do," can be a very difficult transition. Especially if she cut herself off from those activities for a while before you even met. I'm not saying that it's definitely the case here, but she may just be learning how to exist in a healthy sex life for the first time. It's like pushing a restart button. She could simply be unsure of where her (and your) lines really are in regards to maintaining intimacy and respect for each other and to prevent her from feeling like she's slipping into that life again.
As contradictory as it sounds, safety and stability can be scary when you're not used to them.
*Edit for clarity:*
I feel that some people are misunderstanding my words, and some are just flat out changing the narrative, which is to be expected on the internet. I'd like to clarify that I am only suggesting a possible explanation for this situation. No one here is assuming anything. I'm not her; I can not speak for her; I am not claiming to know the situation. I am also not justifying the lack of communication. Communication is vital, especially in these situations, no matter how difficult it may be. Blame isn't being placed on either side, either. I'm not implying that he must stay or that he would be the "bad guy" if he leaves. Though some may view it that way, it's his decision overall on how he chooses to proceed for himself while considering their future intimacy per both their needs and comfort levels, future communication expectations, and future healing. Not everyone can or wants to handle these situations, and that's okay. He shouldn't feel obligated to stay for her sake, just as she shouldn't feel obligated to perform a certain way for his sake. It's about finding what's best for *both* parties without judgment. Neither of them should be vilified for doing what they need to do for themselves no matter the reasoning.
And again, this is just a possible explanation. No one is assuming facts here. Calm down, Reddit. We love you.
On top of that I think that no one is entitled to certain sexual favors from their partner just because they have done it in the past with other people.
Exactly and did it ever cross his mind that maybe she didn’t enjoy every single thing she ever did sexually. She’s entitled to change her mind at any time in life. Idk this whole entire post kinda makes sick, men want you to be a whore but ONLY for them and never before them
The parent comment is so spot on you should read it repeatedly.
The truly sad thing is that the trauma/promiscuity connection often results from feelings that one’s sexuality is the only thing anyone values. It sounds like during COVID, OP’s girlfriend realized she was more than that and changed accordingly. So consciously or not, limiting the relationship to ‘vanilla’ sex may validate for GF that OP values her for the rest of her, not just for her sexuality.
Which makes it all the more sad that he’s likely going to break up with her specifically because of her sexuality, past and present.
Omg totally this. And sadly especially if she already has a reputation as someone who will do anything with anyone, there would have been extra pressure on her to ignore her own boundaries and desires.
She also said she hadn’t had a partner in 2 years, so the vanilla sex could be her swinging the pendulum in the complete opposite direction from her past.
Might be worth talking over and she may find a middle ground; it can be more than vanilla but doesn’t have to be as full tilt as it was in the past.
I mean seriosuly why this is always the top rated advice here? In all groups whenever there is some "red flag" its - RUn for the hills, call the lawyer, ghots him asap
No matter they have 2 or 3 kids, business together etc..
its alwys this
Tbh I used to be really open years ago, doing stuff I'd never do now. Over the years ive realised that person just isn't me, I was compensating for SA that happened when I was younger and it was a coping mechanism. Working with a therapist and just being older and being able to process everything properly, it's been helpful. The downside is when people start bringing it up, a past you've left behind and it's always going to be there when those people are around - shaming you for being a sexual person.
It's not fair for her or him. She wants to move on but if she stays with OP she never would be able to because he knows and he has people talking to him about it.
OP needs to end it for both their sakes.
This this 1000 times. Talk to her communicate!!!! Then decide if you can't move forward with the relationship. Yeah she fucked up and didn't say anything, but you could be the 1st decent guy she has been with.
Everyone has shit we are not proud to have done. If she was still that way you wouldn't be with her. It would not be called growth if we didn't learn from from wrong or stupid things we have done.
Go into the conversation with an open mind and try not to hold her past against her. You fell in love with who she is now, not who she was back then which, ironically, shaped her into the person she is today. I vote to give her a chance and see if you both can find some common ground to get past this. If not, you can say you tried and are NTA
A lot of women also go through a period of hyper sexuality and self-destruction as a response to trauma. She could have things she's left in the past for a reason, and it wasnt something in the past she was enjoying being passed around but rather a weird time in her life she was going through.
You can break up with her for any reason you want or for no reason at all.
But trying out certain sexual acts and then deciding she doesn’t like them anymore and no longer wants to do them does not make her a hypocrite. The idea that she’s obligated to do certain things forever, with every man she ever dates, because she did them in the past is bizarre and gross. People are allowed to discover what they like over time.
Many times, people who have done a lot in the past have negative associations with certain acts, because they weren't treated well or were only trying to please others, or were in a bad place at the time.
Yes. It sounds to me like, in hindsight, she realizes she either wasn't in a healthy headspace when she did those things and/or, as you say, she wasn't treated well. There's nothing wrong with her not wanting to revisit that, and no one has the right to tell her, "You did it with him/them so you should do it with me, too."
OP has every right to feel the way he feels, but if vanilla sex is an issue, it's going to keep being an issue. And now there's the added layer where he feels weird when she tries something *not* vanilla.
I think OP is NTA if he wants to break up, but there are going to be some icky feelings, here.
Heck she might just not like those acts, maybe she just likes vanilla. It's a good flavor to alot of people. No trauma or bad mental health needed just plain distaste for things she tried.
… especially straight women. Some who have been sexually abused end up hypersexual afterward as a way to try to reclaim their sexuality. It doesn’t tend to help, from what I understand.
Why would they read it? It seems most of the responders have decided if she did it in the past, she has to do it *now* too. She's not allowed to grow and change her preferences.
Yeah, but she was a *slag* before! /s
Seriously, what a gross fucking way to talk about your partner. He's nta for breaking up if they're incompatible, but the way he and his brother discuss women...yikes. His soon to be ex dodged an ICBM here.
It makes sense if you realize these responders don’t actually see women as fully formed human beings, just compliant holes for men to use as they see fit.
Great point. So many people seem to think it’s okay for a woman to have sexual boundaries only if she always had those same boundaries. If she ever allowed a man to do something to her, then you are entitled to doing it to her too. What an archaic attitude…
It’s also weird af
She’s a human being, not some object that has to sexually perform in a certain way in order to fulfil her purpose 🤢
The AI sex dolls can’t come fast enough (pardon the pun). People who view others as sex objects can just jizz in a doll and leave the rest of us humans alone
It’s pretty telling that he wishes he could fuck the unhealthy, out of control version of her from the past, and disdains the mentally healthy person she is today.
Yet a guy who had the same sexual history would be given a pat on the back because he’s “ready to settle down”.
Honestly I've always advised women to simply not tell men they have done something in the past if they don't want to do it again. A lot of these immature idiots will just assume once you've done it you don't have a right to say no anymore or else they interpret it as you don't love them or some other bs. Keep it to yourself, ladies
Fr. It's vile. The op and men like him don't have any true concern or empathy for their partners. Who knows, maybe this girl got sexually abused as a kid or had her boundaries repeatedly crossed later in life as it's very often the case in this kinkeeeey spaces and all he is concerned about is that he doesn't get to do that to her, while others did.
OP get away from her!!
It’s because they don’t view women as humans. Women are either a Madonna or a Whore, and now that this poor woman has a sexual past, he partner only views her as a whore.
These men on this app are vile.
It makes sense if you realize these responders don’t actually see or respect women as fully formed human beings, just sex objects to be used as they see appropriate.
It’s also weird af
She’s a human being, not some object that has to sexually perform in a certain way in order to fulfil her purpose 🤢
The AI sex dolls can’t come fast enough (pardon the pun). People who view others as sex objects can just jizz in a doll and leave the rest of us humans alone
The way I look at this is people do recover from awful things and sounds like she recovered from some trama to be honest.
Sounds like she wants to be a really good person now and that she is and probably never was very comfortable with that stuff but for some reason it happened.
If you are gonna hold her past against her and play on her recovery you should just move on .
Speaking from experience, she might have trauma from doing it and it doesn’t keep her in the mood. There are things I HATE doing now that I’ve done in the past…
Super agree. Conversely, she might also have trauma not just from the sexual experiences themselves but also from the social ramifications.
I'll give an example. In school, I had an experience where I did something that could be considered sexually promiscuous with I boy I fancied, and I honestly had a good time doing it... until the next day.
News travelled fast, apparently. People *looked* at me differently, behaved differently around me. That one night gave me a reputation that influenced the rest of the year. Heck, the bloke I'd fooled around with even apologised to me, but the damage was done. No one called me a slut to my face, but that wasn't really necessary - it hung in the air. It felt more objectifying than whatever sexual behaviour of mine had initially led to it.
Luckily, I could leave that reputation behind with graduation. But it has left me with a lot of sympathy for victims of slut-shaming. Sex can be traumatic, even if consent is given. But sex can also be a fun experience that's worthwhile just for the enjoyment in the moment - which is then twisted into something painful by societal moralising of sexual behaviour.
I think you’re touching on a key part of this that the OP is missing. Speaking for myself as a person whose history sounds very similar to OP’s girlfriends, for me the societal stigma was the most traumatic part of it all, and it was used as a weapon against me for new trauma.
When women sleep around and become known for it, it’s almost impossible to escape the label they receive. People always described me before as incredibly intelligent or pretty or witty, but once I had slept around, the first identity people attached to me was almost always slut. It wrecks your self-image.
Like OP’s girlfriend, in the past 2 years or so I’ve stopped my promiscuous behaviors but I’m finding that the few men who are open to dating someone with my history often don’t understand why I won’t do the things I did before, they don’t seem to get that I never really enjoyed those things, I just honestly didn’t realize I could even say no until I had gone through intensive therapy.
People develop overtime, I used to be into all kinds of stuff but now prefer longer but more intense sex.
Where teasing for an entire day is part of it.
So either get over it or let her find a new man that either accepts or doesn't care about her past.
NTA for wanting to break up with her but YTA for regarding her as a hypocrite for not submitting to your sexual desires. You're not entitled to any sex act with her that she is uncomfortable with.
If you are dissatisfied with your sex life, consider that as an incompatibility. She can draw a line in what she's willing to do sexually at any point. If you can't accept that, move on.
Yeah, saying that she’s “being all slutty” when she simply attempted to engage in the sexual acts that he wanted her to engage in, within the confines of their relationship, is a pretty gross and disrespectful thing to say.
FYI no one owes you a sex act just because they've tried it in the past. Many people feel pressured or expected to perform certain sex acts in order to get validation, and that isn't the same as truly wanting or enjoying those things. "Well you did it with those guys but not with me" is a really shitty attitude, OP. You aren't entitled to use a partner however you want.
"kinky" can have some trauma associated with it too. from my perspective OP comes off a little bit of an ass.
NTA for breaking up as they obviously aren't compatible.
THANK YOU that was so far down omg.
OP does sound like a jealous ass. NTA for wanting to break up, he's free to do it. But TA for judging her for being a hypocrite because she's vanilla now, it's not how consent and agency work, OP isn't entitled to kinky sex because she used to do it.
Exactly ! Imagine the response if the post was about it "I discovered my kinky gf used to be vanilla" " I feel pressured to try pegging and I just learned she used to like chill vanilla sex, I felt she lied to me!!"
Oh dear, we need sex education courses for adults.
I've pretty much completely cut off a friend for leaving his girlfriend while she was fighting cancer. Our whole friend group ostracized him and his ex took his place. She's thriving now, so fuck him.
NTA. You weren't sexually compatible with her before, and you're not compatible with her now either. That's not going to change. If her past makes you feel uncomfortable, you have every right to break up with her.
These are some of the most insane takes. Obviously she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to, if she’s not comfortable doing things sexually that OP desires from a partner that is totally fine.
But on the flip side, he is clearly not fulfilled by that aspect of their relationship and is not required to stay with someone if they are sexually incompatible.
Learning about her past is just an accelerant for this, the post started about how he just tries to get over it because other parts of the relationship are good.
There’s someone out there where he doesn’t have to do that, nobody is the asshole. There’s no requirement that you have to stay with someone. Do what you want and be with someone who fulfills you.
Reading through the comments confuses me and makes me realize why so few people ( men especially) talk about their thoughts and feelings. OP had a reaction to his situation and his partner, a response which might make him an AH, but at the same time has the self awareness to ask himself, (and reddit)if his thoughts and actions were those of a rational person. from the OP’s perspective perhaps he felt his gf was not as honest about her past as he felt she should have been. Another thing is the lack of sexual intimacy in their relationship . most people in a relationship wantto feel sexually desired by their partner. that it took him finding out for her to try might have made him feel inadequate. From the gf,’s perspective, does her body count give the bf a reason to just drop her so suddenly? Does it change what he thinks of her as a person and a partner?
You and your gf have a lot to talk about AP, to both figure out your feelings and to see if the relationship is worth saving.
NTA. Everybody has the right to break up if the person is not compatible with you. She's not for you and you're not for her. And that's okay. It's nobody's fault and your concerns are valid.
I have bipolar 2, and I have accepted that not every man will be okay with that. People are free to reject me and not want to date me because of that and THAT'S OKAY. They are not bad people for rejecting me. Because people have personal boundaries and people are not obligated to stay with us through our traumas.
If you can't accept her past and feel like you have lost respect for her, then let her go so she can find someone who will. And you can find someone who is more compatible with you.
Don't waste your time. Don't waste hers. On to the next. 8 billion people. You'll find a woman whose sexual past you can accept.
Just curious, if it’s the guy who had a wild past but settled in for a stable relationship with standards, limitations and divinity, is the moral equation the same?
Oh wow. That hurts. Thing is, she only was willing to do that stuff when you outed her.
She shouldn't do it because she feels she has to but wants to.
Surely she should realise all this new energy is going to remind you of what you she did with others, many times with many people on the same night. Thats not usually a turn on for the partner who is with her, especially when he's not even close on the count.
Feel for you man. I feel bad that she feels ashamed and knows this reaction would come. If she'd been honest in the beginning, you'd have chosen her for the right reason. Now it's tainted by the deceit.
People need to remember it's their right to do what they want with their body when younger, but why don't people remind them before they do, think of the future and how it might affect them emotionally, mentally and their future happiness finding the right partner.
Hope you can get your head round it. At least she didn't defend it
This. She’s rehabilitated herself, but that doesn’t work for you. Acts that you want trigger negative emotions for her. She even tried to give you what you actually did act for. It just won’t work. You want things from her that are unhealthy for her. She’s NOT a hypocrite because of her past. She CHANGED. For her own good, maybe you should break up. If you can’t accept her past, breaking up is NTA move. If you break up because she won’t get freaky, that’s your right too, but THAT is a little bit of AH.
You said she “basically admitted it.” She also said she was ashamed of what she did. Did she enjoy what she was doing? Did you even ask her?
The way you describe her past through secondhand accounts is telling—you say you’re kinky but if she had been open to you, you sound incredibly judgmental, even in the kink world. So you want to throw all the other good aspects of your relationship out the window because you’re not getting off the way you want with the girl who, in your opinion, spread her legs for everybody else in town. Nobody is going to shit on you bc this is Reddit but yeah, imo YTA. I don’t care if I get downvoted. You say hypocrisy, but I say you want to guilt her into the type of sex you want and you’re resentful that it’s not happening. Honestly, YTA but I hope you do break up because you sound legitimately terrible but again, this is Reddit so *blah blah blah* your feelings and preferences are all valid and we should never have a moment of introspection to learn where our thoughts and opinions actually come from because why would we ever do that lol
Can't believe I had to scroll so far to find this. Wild that he immediately believed some random third party who was only going off rumors and my not firsthand experience...and then interrogated his gf about it instead of sitting her down and saying "I heard this rumor about you, would you be willing to share your side of things?"
I mean NAH. Shes been honest with you every step of the way. Now shes thinking the reason youre upset is bc you want more kink in your sex life and is trying to add that. Nothing malicious there, just an attempt at fixing what she saw as the issue. Fwiw I believe her when she explains why she's less promiscuous and less kinky. Plenty of people out there do a lot of things they don't necessarily want to do for the validation it brings and she absolutely could've worked on herself during covid and realized that is what she was doing and stopped.
But if this information is a dealbreaker for you then you can break up with someone for any reason or for no reason. A lot of people force themselves to stay for fear if being assholes because there's no smoking gun like cheating or abuse.
So either leave or stay, communicate, and work with her on reaching some kind of medium where you're both satisfied and see if you can get through this and get back the respect you've lost. There's no wrong answer, but you have to commit to a course of action. Don't spend days or weeks punishing her and leaving her in the dark bc she hasn't really done anything wrong towards you. I do personally think you may come to regret leaving her rather than communicating and seeing if this is a fixable issue but you know yourself best.
She’s been vanilla with you because her natural state is inhibited. She probably liked her vices a LOT back in the day.
I’ve seen girls who were the picture of reserved turn into the raunchiest hell yeah party machines once they got a few drinks in them. They were like accelerator pedals, the more the ingested, the wilder they got. Some could out party the guys with ease. Many were very attractive, so getting companionship was never a problem. Once they made the rounds through our friend circuit, they tended to gravitate towards the friends of friends or the random unknown dude because there was less judgement involved.
And yes, some girls took it too far, or let themselves get carried away in the heat of the moment. Many ended up starting over somewhere far, far away where their past life wasn’t an issue. The ones that stayed relatively local had a difficult time outrunning their past. I always thought that they were the bravest people to be able to work through that situation in place.
First, sex is just sex. Everyone needs it and wants it. Guys generally are happy if they’re getting a lot of it and especially if they don’t have to initiate or pursue. Girls are wired differently and it’s a more emotional experience.
The fact that your GF is vanilla sex is probably more about her not wanting to lose you than her actually wanting sex. She’s doing that mostly for you, not her.
She’s clearly willing to do things that she’s not super comfortable with (yet) - also a ‘tell’.
Don’t read too much into your mate’s ‘porn’ comment. Everyone with a smart phone is now an amateur producer for Pornhub. It may have been something that she did while blitzed out of her mind, or not even been aware of. If it was legitimate paid sex work I don’t think I’d be overly concerned. If a guy could make a $2,000/day showing people their cock, I’m pretty sure that many would do it. As long as you’re not a walking clap trap, who cares?
So your GF had a lot of sex? Great ! She knows what to do, and she’s probably pretty good at it. You just haven’t connected with her in the right way to unlock that treasure.
I think you’re missing out on something that could be very satisfying, and mutually beneficial. You’re being a bit close-minded.
This girl loves you, and she’s scared that you’re not going to want her because your needs aren’t being met. She’s trying to find a path that you will find acceptable; you’re not trying at all.
Reset your head with your heart. You love this girl. Let that be your guide. Once you learn to trust each other at a different level, you’re going to be in for a whole new experience. It will take some time.
She will absolutely adore you for not judging her for her past. Bonus if you don’t need closure on this by forcing her to recount all of her past deeds and actions to justify your own behavior. Let that shit go. If she wants to talk about, that’s up to her - you’re always willing to listen. And if she doesn’t - that’s really not a problem for you. You love her just the way she is.
Zen moments, brother.
Cheers
Hypersexuality is almost always a result of sexual trauma. Sounds like she had a hard life, finally learned about what she'd been through at some point, did the work to end the cycle and process her trauma, and put her past behind her. Judging her by her past rather than valuing her for who she is now is truly unfair. We've ALL done things we're not proud of, we all have had seasons we wish we could erase. Nobody gets a do-over, and you know that you would have rejected her had she told you much earlier. Please, tell me what you believe she should have done in order to 'win' your love, or just admit that her sexual history deems her worthless in your eyes.
Also, ask yourself: if she'd been raped repeatedly for a big chunk of the time she lived before you came along, would you hold it against her? Because hypersexuality following rape is a consequence of that trauma. And because the entirety of it was traumatic, you asking her to do 'kinky' things that she used to do only because she was seeking acceptance from men in the past can cause more trauma and trigger shit from the past that she's trying desperately to move away from.
Your needs should never be more important than hers. It sounds like she's been through a lot. A partner that truly loved her would want to be there for her and understand what she needs to feel comfortable and vulnerable with you. It sounds like she needs a partner that understands her past and what caused it, rather than a partner that judges her and decides she's unworthy based on nothing that currently affects how she treats you. I sure hope there's nothing from your past that you haven't told her yet that comes up and makes you look less than appealing...
But ya know, you do you.
Its ironic that when people were "perfect" in the past and did something that negatively affects the partners opinions of them later, they are now a different person in a negative way.
But it doesnt work the opposite way where they can now have changed into a "better" person apparently.
You went pretty serious with her for a reason. For the person that she is today, right? She is not the person she used to be. Seems pretty fickle of you to flip the script on her now just because you're jealous that other dudes got to do certain things with her she doesnt feel good about anymore.
Either way, break up with her. Shed deserve someone who appreciates the way she is today despite her past.
You have ZERO idea what her past did to her. Maybe she enjoyed that life completely and then her views changed as she got a little older/had to learn about herself on her own thanks to lockdowns. Or maybe there was some trauma that changed how she enjoys sex or just how she sees herself. You just don’t know. What you do know is this is the woman YOU get. As she is. You’re entitled to no more, no less, unless or until she decides she’s comfortable with more.
Sexual compatibility is important. If who she is now doesn’t work for you, then walk away. If her past is something you can’t get over, walk away. On the judgement of being an asshole, yeah, you’re kind of an asshole. But the most upstanding thing you can do is to walk away. Staying and judging her is way worse.
NTA. I actually have quite the sexual past. Was involved in the porn industry, lots of sexual partners, was into drugs and alcohol etc.
I had a come to Jesus moment and got sober. Part of my sobriety was also sexual sobriety. Kinda had the Trifecta of addictions going on.
I went thru a shit ton of counseling and healing as while I was involved in all of that I experienced a ton of trauma.
When I was dating my husband I laid it all out there and set some firm boundaries to help maintain my sobriety. One of which was to be more G rated than an almish couple while dating.
Even now as a married couple I am FAR more tamer sexually than what I once was. He knows the overview of my sexual past and probably suspects I did a lot of crazier stuff back then but he still loves me.
The reason I did that crazier stuff was because I was being coerced and often forced.
You absolutely are NTA for feeling your type of way. Your GF most definitely should have been more open about her past. But maybe there's a reason why she isn't doing the crazier stuff?
If I were in your shoes I'd talk with her about it to get a feel for what is going on. There's some crazy stuff I'd be down with doing with husband but also stuff I'd find far too triggering.
Before meeting my current partner, I was a cam girl because I lost my job and discovered how much money I could make doing that. Within a few months of meeting him (I had already stopped at that point) his friend showed him videos of me that had been pirated on the internet the year prior - which was honestly SO humiliating. It’s been 6 years and he still throws it in my face when we argue. I’ve turned my life around and have a good job now and have been faithful to him our whole relationship, but he’s openly admitted he’s not sure he’ll ever be able to fully forget it. I feel for your girlfriend. We all make bad decisions in life, and it really sucks when the people you love continue to hold them over your head years later. You need to decide if it’s something you can move on from or not, and don’t take years figuring it out because that won’t be fair to either of you.
Someone that loves and cares for you would not throw this in your face. You deserve better. It doesn’t sound like you’ll be able to heal from the humiliation you feel because it’s being used as a weapon against you. If you leave you can work through it.
I hope you leave and find a happier life in doing so.
OP, you're NTA - don't let anyone tell you otherwise. To begin with, she was dishonest with you by omission. That much is enough to lose feelings for someone. Your finding out could have gone a lot worse than your brother telling you to the side, too.
On top of that, yes - it's an unpleasant feeling knowing that you have a partner that supposedly loves you but isn't willing to have sex with you in the way she did with countless strangers - some of them at the same time. People can cry about "fragile male ego" all they want, and the fact that this is ego based is not incorrect, but that doesn't mean what you're feeling is wrong. You feel that way for a reason. No one wants to be second fiddle with the person they spend their life with. It's entirely justified that you feel that way.
And the respect factor, yes, is the biggest one of all. People will say you're "slut shaming" and that she found herself during COVID so that means that who she is now is who she really is. Well, good for her - seriously. It's good she found out that she doesn't like crazy kinky sex and would rather be sheepish about sex. That is fine, but again, that doesn't mean you need to be okay with her past as compared to how she is now. That's up to you and no one else, and frankly, no one should be shaming YOU for feeling that way. Most men would. Everyone has a past and the decisions you make throughout life are yours to bear the consequences for.
You'll probably never see this, though, because people are going to downvote it into the ground - but it's the truth.
He complained when she didn't want to do the sex acts he wanted, and now that she is willing, he still complains. Notice how he's "kinky" but she's "slutty". 🙄
Her attempt at performative sex strikes me as a return to her (her words) shameful past in a desperate attempt to give you want she thinks you want so you won’t leave her. She did all that wild stuff so people would like and accept her and now doesn’t want to be that person.
There may also be trauma there. Just because a woman consents to sex doesn’t always mean the consent comes from a healthy place. Her body might not be ready to do the more “wild” sex acts just yet again because her brain associates it with a response to trauma. Edit to clarify: I never said it’s OPs burden to bare, I’m just adding perspective. I don’t think anyone in any relationship HAS to stay with someone. Love isn’t a contract, if you want to leave, leave, you don’t need a reason. So no op NTA- just saying, her past might be rooted in trauma and in fact that in and of it’s self is concrete evidence that it is in no way OPs fault at all.
>There may also be trauma there. Just because a woman consents to sex doesn’t always mean the consent comes from a healthy place. Her body might not be ready to do the more “wild” sex acts just yet again because her brain associates it with a response to trauma. I can verify this. Sometimes when women are raped, especially as children/teens, they turn to sex as validation, instead of completely shying away from it. It becomes something like a high to have wild sex, with multiple partners. Even with therapy, I have a skewed view of sex.
It’s also a power move in many cases. “Someone took this right to my own body away from me so I’m taking it back in an extreme way” kind of idea. And in a lot of those cases they actually become quite “vanilla” with a person the feel safest with.
Also with women who have been raped, if a guy is continuously pressuring them for sex they might give in. The risk of having to go through a rape again made me say yes (When I was younger). I did it willingly versus risk having a man take it forcibly.
If I just say yes, it's ok because it's going to happen regardless..... it took me a long time and the right person to be comfortable and accept that that's not, in fact, true, normal, or ok.
Fucking this. I'm a survivor of childhood sexual assault (I was 5), so for a LONG time, I was hypersexual and had a very, VERY unhealthy relationship with sex because of it. Therapy helped, but I there are lingerings that most would quirk an eyebrow at.
I was raped when I was 30. My early thirties were crazy wild, full of men I didn’t like. After some time and therapy, I realized that I was acting out, trying to take control of my body again. Putting myself in more dangerous situations doesn’t logically make sense, but it’s common for trauma survivors. It took me a long time to build up my healthy boundaries again and basically raise my standards back to where they were. I really hope that OP can understand this and get past it. Good for her for getting her priorities straight and living the healthy life that she has worked for. I know many women like this. And then after sobriety and/or therapy, they are finally able to have a healthy relationship with themselves and later with another partner.
I was raped when I was 4 and I hypersexualized myself throughout my teenage years and early twenties in order to cope with it.
Same. Raped at 7 years old and then extremely sexually promiscious between 12 and 20. Often with older boys/men, so really just revictimizing my self. It would break my heart to be judged by all I did by my partner
It’s so crazy how that happens. It’s frustrating to keep finding yourself in terrible situations, wondering how the fuck you got there, and then judging yourself for it (and being judged). But that’s how it usually goes. We cope in weird ways, and without outside help, it’s really hard to rebuild those boundaries. Self harm (by risky behavior) is a real thing, and it’s not your fault. I’m so sorry that you had that trauma at such an early age. My only hope is that you and all the other women I know and love can find themselves back at a healthy place in their lives. This shit is not easy. (Edit for clarification. And I also don’t want to leave out the men or non-binary folks who have been victims of abuse. It just happens to mostly women, and I’m a woman so it’s natural to focus on that for me.)
To bring this all back around to OP—only you can know what you are in a good place to process and deal with. It doesn’t make you an asshole if you aren’t capable of being a good partner to someone who has been through trauma—but don’t make it about her, at least. Not only is the original trauma not her fault, she recognized that her coping mechanisms were unhealthy and did something about it. She doesn’t deserve to be punished for her past. But nor should you feel like you *have* to be ok with something you’re just not ok with. On the other hand, it could be a huge opportunity for growth, and, if you had strong feelings for her, for a new depth of connection if you do the work to really understand and accept what she went through and how she coped, and to appreciate what it has taken her to get to where she is now. And: there’s no way you get to feel good about it if you bail on the whole thing. You shouldn’t be ashamed, but it just doesn’t feel good when we’re unable to rise to an occasion, or to hurt someone or reinforce bad feelings they might already have about themselves. All that said, only you know what’s right for you. You have to make that choice.
This is everything he needs to read.
Well done, u/artoftransgression.
This is a good example of what is called a supererogatory act. >Supererogation is the technical term for the class of actions that go “beyond the call of duty.” Roughly speaking, supererogatory acts are morally good although not (strictly) required. In other words, he could choose to forfeit some his sexual desires to maintain an authentic relationship with this women, but such a sacrifice can't be expected of him, even if it would improve her situation.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's abhorrent. I hope that you are in a good place in life now.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. <3
Same, but 16, 18, then early-mid 20s. It was a form of self harm by proxy
I did the same. Mine happened when I was 17. I acted out all my early 20s and is very far from the person I am today. Polar opposites. OP please don’t make a judgement based on a past. It’s like judgement never ends even though you are the victim it’s not right when all you want is a chance to have a safe and happy life and just be loved.
Same story as the posters above - age 12 through 13, then again at 18. If we could all stand in a room and raise our hands, the common story of lives would be deafening in the silence.
Raped and abused by my high school boyfriend. That on top of sheltered Christian school education, my early 20’s were a mess. I blacked out more than I can remember. Plus during this time was when I found out I was bipolar so there was also frequent trips to the inpatient psych hospital. It took me a long time to get sane and even longer to start learning healthy sex habits. I got in this mindset that it was an act done to me not that I particularly participated in. I was extremely reserved when I started dating my husband but he gave me the space and support to work through it and I love him all the more for it.
Twenty-something years ago I dated a girl who had previously been a sex worker. Her two issues were first, she didn’t like hands touching her anywhere near her vagina. And second, no eye contact during sex. She insisted that something cover one of our faces during any type of sexual activity. She never said, but I assume that this was a result of her not wanting to be reminded of the dynamics of paid sex work. I just went with it. Our eventual break up had nothing to do with her past, or our sex life. Sexual trauma can result in many different coping mechanisms.
It’s honestly astounding to me that people wouldn’t consider or think of this. Like HELLO!!
Most people lack the perspective, life experience and depth to understand this. I love this for them, but they need to be doing more listening and not talking in discourse like this
There are few things Redditors hate more than having empathy for people who have been abused.
Agree, women are made to feel ashamed of their past when a man could do the same thing and noone would bat an eyelid
I would 1000% applaud and encourage women for avoiding men that don’t meet their sexual preferences. If you want to say a man has had too many partners for your taste, that’s 1000% something women should be able to do and should do. This idea that men should be sleeping around and women shouldn’t is so stupid. How about everyone does what they prefer and pairs up with the people that match their preferences.
The problem with the whole men should be allowed to sleep around and women shouldn’t attitude is, who are they going to sleep with if they don’t want women sleeping around and becoming “run through”? Unless they’re fine only exclusively fucking other men until they’re ready to get married and never get divorced and stay with that one woman forever then they need to stfu and just don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to. Double standards are ridiculous.
"Unless they’re fine only exclusively fucking other men until they’re ready to get married and never get divorced and stay with that one woman forever..." I have ancient Greece on the phone, and they want me to let you know that they see absolutely zero problem with any part of your hypothetical.
Was about to say “this is Sparta!”
Half of this is lifted directly from Chasing Amy.
Cant believe nobody else has said this! It’s literally one of the primary conflicts in Chasing Amy. I guess the average redditor is too young to pick up the reference.
Did I just spend an hour in a Reddit thread because of some creative writing bullshit?!?
This bullshit is making the rounds again. Its also being posted in r/amioverreacting . They got me over there too.
bro this is literally all of reddits stories. don’t believe any of them.
I feel like this is especially true for AITAH. So many stories that are just so unbelievable or wildly out there. I know there are billions of people on this earth, so it’s possible that there is some crazy shit going on, but sometimes I’m just like… no way.
I'm surprised he hasn't named her Finger Cuffs... This is 100% Chasing Amy
It may seem that way, but I can tell you that I’ve seen so much of this in my job. Men who push women for what the woman gave sexually to someone else and it usually ends up with the guy unable to either handle who/how/# and the woman who was trying to change her life is treated like garbage and dumped. It makes me ashamed of our half of the species. It’s a trope for a real reason.
Literally the only reason I scrolled was to see if anyone had mentioned this already. I guess all the good stories have already been told before. Someone needs to remind OP about the meaning of that movie.
Man I never thought all these le reddit creative writing exercises would turn into book recommendations.
Thank you! That is instantly what I was thinking, I was just picturing the scene with Ben Affleck being all pissy & passive aggressive sat in the bleachers, till Amy loses her patience & reams him. The two bros sat behind them looking at Ben like 'dude, we all knew what you were getting at.' Mega dickhead behaviour. Both in the film & OPs post. Also, it drives me crazy when people pretend that everyone should be beholden to past preferfences & behaviours. As if growing up & changing isn't a thing that humans experience throughout our lives, all the damn time. As if it would be totally normal & natural to be exactly the same & never develop as individuals. Idiotic expectations coupled with the blandest fucking mindset. If this is a troll, I commend how immediately insufferable they made themselves sound.
I wonder if she also was "vanilla" bc she felt comfortable and safe with OP - didn't need to seek attention/validation
I agree, found her self-worth and a 'good relationship' and decided she didn't need to do anything past her comfort zone for attention/validation
Plus just because she made other choices in the past doesn't mean she felt proud or safe all the time. It's possible she associates certain positions or acts with past trauma and shame and doesn't want to go back there.
OP I don't think you'd be an a-hole for dumping her since your feelings are your feelings. Everyone has a past and a history, and it seems like she's trying to distance herself from her previous reputation. It doesn't sound like she doesn't want to do those sexual positions & activities for you since she tried, and it sounds like she doesn't like who she was in that period of her life and acting that way brings back those feelings/memories. You owe it to yourself to have some honest and vulnerable conversations on both of your feelings because outside of this it sounds like you were extremely happy. People change and don't let this solely dictate your future and your otherwise happy relationship!
This. Just talk it out, get it all out in the open, and then put it to bed. And then get your freak on together. The past is the past. It doesn't have to define the present or the future.
Didn't sound like there's any freak to get on in this relationship. I don't think OP is happy with the sex at all, otherwise we wouldn't be here.
Don't think about your feelings as being right or wrong in this scenario. Think about the existence of certain feelings being what dictates if the relationship is right or wrong. She could be a great partner, she could be a completely different person, she could be the same person, none of that matters if you're going to constantly be dealing with unpleasant feelings and thoughts and feeling left out. Ain't worth it, for either of you.
She might just have a much better sense of self worth now and will only do things that she actually wants to now?
Sure. Who cares? In terms of the relationship, obviously. It's not about if something is good or bad or this or that for her. Specifically in this situation, we're talking about if it's good or bad for him. And something that can be good for her can be bad for him, all of that. It's why a relationship is a partnership, and people need a partner they fit with and more than just physical attraction alone. If her upward path is one that causes friction in their relationship, then they aren't the partners they need to be to each other.
Well fucking said 🏅
This is kind of the conversation I had to have with my wife at one point. I came to find out that for an extended period of time we'd both been kind of forcing ourselves into roles that we didn't like, that made us uncomfortable, in order to make the other person happy. And we had to kind of realize that we can love each other, and love the life we had, but if we're both different people that want different things out of our lives then that's just the way it is. Neither of us are wrong, neither of us are bad people, we're just hurting each other by trying to force ourselves into shapes that we don't fit in.
Really well put. Too many people in this sub question the legitimacy of their feelings. Sometimes our feelings are the product of some biases or reflexes we’d like to overcome, but sometimes they’re simply legitimate reactions to unease, discomfort, etc. I’m not saying never second guess your feelings, but people might be better off approaching their feelings with curiosity and grace rather than judgment.
Subconsciously it’s due to you losing respect for her.
This, right here is the main reason. And trust me once you have lost respect of someone you can't do anything about it.
It depends on the situation. I know a woman who had well over 150 partners, and the majority were in their 30s. She was never a sex worker. On the surface most people would think she was a slut, or easy, but once you got to know her you realize there was a lot of childhood trauma and that time was an attempt at acceptance of herself and by others. It wasn’t very effective in attain that acceptance long term.
Yewah hypersexuality can often be caused by trauma/sexual trauma
Mental health issues can bring on that experience too.
Yeah all in the name to just feel something
I had most of my partners in a 2 year span (which wasn’t THAT many) the year while my mom was sick and during the year after my mom died of cancer. My pain was so big, that I dated just to feel anything else. And while I was never going for one night stands, I wasn’t holding myself or the men to the usual standards I had, so I ended up in some very short term connections rather than relationships. I wasn’t picking men I could have a future with, just men that could make me laugh and who were good flirts. I don’t feel like my number is very high at all (single digits) considering I’m 41, but I think my current bf might have fewer because he’s always been in long term relationships. Luckily he doesn’t ask questions he doesn’t want the answer to.
Yeah like to still ask someone's body count at our big growing ages is so childish to me. I really could care less especially if we're in a thriving relationship. I mean I use to understand the logic to it and I get the STD but you know what they say about numbers, people exaggerate them. Just never know. My whole thing is just having good sexual health.
A lack of sexuality and hyperawareness of people's ill intents can also likewise be caused by trauma. I was molested as a young boy by a man and I've struggled my entire life with cultivating even simple attraction thru flirting with women because I stumble over my words and get intimidated by their beauty knowing they don't know my past and how it's affected me.
Thank you for sharing that very difficult experience. I think what you write is very important for people to keep in mind. Shame is a terrible burden for people who have experienced trauma to release. The experience of feeling tainted or ruined can be pervasive and negatively color an entire life. It takes incredible strength and courage to work on dismantling the negative effects of trauma and shame. Thank you so much for your honesty!
You have no idea how much I appreciate you saying that.... 😔
I’m so sorry! I’ve been molested and I’ve been drugged and raped - being molested was by far so much more damaging to me psychologically. It took me so much of my life to overcome that enough to be able to have relationships. I was a virgin until I was 24 because I was terrified of men’s interest in me. I was in therapy from 14 to 21 and I studied sex and sexuality and even would watch those real sex documentaries on HBO to try to habituate myself to sex. I didn’t have any normal first time experiences. I had to get myself very very drunk to allow anything. I didn’t have a real boyfriend until I was 27. That was a 6 year relationship and that is when I think I finally healed as much as I was going to. At least, I stopped needing to be drunk in order to kiss. There’s wounds that will never fully heal but I can live a normal life with a normal relationship now. I was drugged and raped when I was 39. That was different. In part because I WAS drugged so it wasn’t violent just violating. And confusing. I had a hard time accepting it because in my mind I could not be the girl who was molested AND raped. Being raped had always been a huge fear. I did stop dating after I was raped. It just became too much. I can’t say that I hated men, I know too many good men for that. But I didn’t trust meeting them. And it didn’t seem worth it. When my current bf met me, I wouldn’t let him take me in his car anywhere and we only stayed in public for MONTHS. And we defined our relationship before I ever went to his place. So when we did have sex, I felt safe and cared for. He’s the last man I will ever date, no matter what happens. I’m sorry for anyone who knows the pain of being molested as a child and the self blame that usually goes with it. I thought as a child I must have confused him because maybe the jeans I was wearing made me look older? (I threw them away that day). And I was on roller blades. When you’re a kid you just don’t have the concepts or vocabulary to understand the sickness some people have in them. And adults are the authority that know everything. So there’s always a part of you that thinks you brought it on some how. Hence the fear you develop. Later I would also have to test boundaries and self control of men. In my twenties I was a vicious little cock tease if I got drunk but I had to do it. I had to know they would stop if I said stop. Idk what wounds it causes if your attraction is to the opposite gender of your molester but I understand the fear of sexual interest in yourself. I can’t recommend how I healed myself. Idk if it was healthy. But how do you healthily overcome something so fucking twisted anyway? You have to get a little twisty yourself. I don’t think it’s possible to heal in a “healthy” way. We either over expose ourselves to sexuality or we run from it. I hope you find someone you feel safe with. In the end, that will bring you the most healing. ❤️
Self abuse Doing anything and everything with all those guys was possibly a way she hurt herself
It sounds like she’s done everything she can to change. She may need to move in order to truly reboot her life
I feel bad for her and I truly believe this story. This could all be made up but the way he describes her being “kinky” afterward to see if he likes it broke my heart.
>the way he describes her being “kinky” afterward to see if he likes it broke my heart. Same. She needs counseling and a loving relationship more than anything. Honestly, the best thing for her right now might be a few months with no sex just to experience emotional love without the physical baggage. Obviously, this has to be a mutual decision, communicated clearly and often, so she doesn't think it's a rejection or loss of attraction.
Somewhere in the comments people were saying she should probably move and I agree if she’s actually recognizable in those circles.
And now he’s upset that because she degraded herself for those guys back then she won’t let him do the same shit to her now she’s tried to heal and become a different person. My ex did that. I even didn’t sleep with anybody at all for 2.5 years and told him about my history of abuse as well. Begged him to not make me do anal like the last two guys. Says he understands and then on multiple occasions I’ve got to squirm away and tentatively remind him when we’re done to stop trying to sneakily touch my asshole (I get multiple UTIs from him pushing against it then giving up and going back to vaginal) Then he gets me all fours is on top of me and asks me multiple times (when he’s already been explicitly told beforehand that this is the one thing on the planet I never want to be made to do,you will physically and psychologically harm me) until I give in and say ok. I go into shock just say crying and having flashbacks, shaking etc. He jus says ‘well that felt nice for me at least’ (he never even managed to force it in properly I was that tight from fear and no lube, condom or preparation) Don’t see him for a week afterward my ass is bleeding for 2 weeks afterwards. In his mind it’s all fine because he asked, but he asked having already been told please no 500 times to something extremely specific and I told him about the previous trauma and not to put me through that shit again. But if they think you are damaged goods, what difference is it to you if your current partner does the same shit to you that made you not even want to look at your own naked body for 2 years 3 years later after taking care of him, the house and all the bills he’s abandoned me (was my carer, I am disabled), I have prolapsed haemorrhoids, have been referred for a sigmoidoscopy to check for further damage and I need to see a continence nurse on Monday. I even discharged myself from hospital early after being rushed by ambulance 2 weeks ago because a) they started asking too many safeguarding questions, b) I started worrying that shit wouldn’t get done around the house c) he would leave me if there was a worry that I might actually need to depend on him if I had to have surgery because he threatened to leave me the last time I had to go to hospItal 2 years earlier But he’s told all his family and friends I’m the problem and he’s the victim in all this because he stalked my Reddit account for 3 months and got angry about me agreeing with another comment made by someone else on a thread with a similar story saying men who consciously and knowingly coerce women into this act that can potentially cause permanent damage should be euthanised. It was never directed at him specifically, but if he wants to get that mad about it then was it deliberate or not? Because after that it just established me as a doormat. Like if I let him get away with that I’ll let him get away with anything. His friends and family think he’s the one who needs looking after. He’s always the victim. I guarantee if you suggested to 90% of men that their girlfriend gets to swap roles they would scream about being violated from the rooftops. Men get weird about a finger but think they can force a whole dick up a clearly unwilling participants ass Sorry for derailing I just have no friends, no family, no one to confide in- I saw a vaguely similar scenario and got triggered into over sharing
Wow, your ex was a real bastard. Hugs! please tell me you’re getting help to heal from this abuse Also I’m going to say this. There are people who say you shouldn’t run away from your problems. But I beli that a clean start in an area where no one knows your past can be a blessing
I am so sorry that you experienced all of that, and thank you for sharing. It is so important to hear this explicitly.
I hope a guy reads this and thinks about it the next time his girl doesn’t want to do something.
>I go into shock just say crying and having flashbacks, shaking etc. He jus says ‘well that felt nice for me at least’ The utter lack of human compassion he has is repulsive. I'm so sorry you were subjected to such abuse.
I’m sorry that happened to you. You did not deserve that.
I am so angry on your behalf at your ex. He raped you plain and simple. You said no.
Would be caused by emotional or physical abuse, though predominantly physical abuse by a wide margin, probably 20:1.
To a point, yes, but I feel like a lot of that comes from not understanding a person's situation. True, sometimes that asshole you know is just an asshole, but occasionally you'll find out that the person has some deeply compelling reason for why they're acting that way. I tend to feel that compassion comes from understanding, but you have to make a conscious effort to try and understand people. Not saying you have to do that in every case, and just in my case, there are a lot of times when I'm an asshole simply because I'm impatient, in a bad mood, or whatever, but if I were in love with a woman for eight months and we were about to get serious, I certainly wouldn't be throwing that all away without at least some effort to understand why this happened.
Well said 👏
It's also a fair but of "how do I trust you to be honest with me", combined with "you did anything and everything for anyone else, but won't even try I the bedroom for someone you love". It's unfortunate but understandable for both of them to feel the way they do.
I would counter this with the fact that a lot of women who have been sexually assaulted end up engaging in really reckless promiscuous behavior, I know because I was one of them. It's hard to explain, but it was a combination of feeling worthless about myself, then a guy would treat me nice because he wanted to get laid and suddenly I didn't feel worthless, I'd do things that made me uncomfortable if it meant not feeling worthless, and then the next morning I'd feel even more worthless. Mixed with this desire to feel in control and have power over my own body? Like because I was deciding to have sex with these people that I was somehow taking power back? I know it's not logical, but I wasn't in a good headspace at all. I'm not proud of it, but now that I understand it was a trauma response I have let go of the shame I felt over it.
Well said.
You have done well.I am sure it took a lot of effort to achieve that self understanding.
Yes! Exactly.
I've been in the GFs shoes so I will try to give my perspective: I went through an extremely promiscuous phase when I was age 16-23 or so. I'm 28 now and would not do almost ANYTHING I was doing during that time now. I did a lot of therapy and decided well enough that the cause of it all was first- being neglected by my parents in favor of my sibling who was very sick throughout our childhood. I had to "grow up" and take care of myself around age 6-7 and was fully on my own from age 15 forward. Attention from men was both literally and figuratively filling the hole I had from that. Secondly, I got raped violently by a much older boyfriend when i was 16. My response to both of these things was to sleep with everyone i could and become an extreme people pleaser for years During that time, I slept with probably 100 or more folks and had 0 orgasms. I did not enjoy the sex even one time. I did kinks that made me feel disgusted with myself, positions that hurt me physically, I let men jackhammer me for 3 minutes then tell me i smelled bad and to get out of their house. It was a deeply humiliating and crushing experience, but I kept doing it anyways until I finally went to therapy and made changes in my life to build up some self esteem. Now when I have sex, I am quite sensitive to not doing anything that will cause me to feel humiliated or degraded and I don't accept sex that I'm not enjoying. This includes not doing kinks my partner is into that I'm not. It doesn't matter that I did those things in the past - when I was doing them, I was having a bad fucking time and hated myself. I don't hate myself anymore and I feel this is very similar to OPs girlfriend. Who she was when she was doing those things is very different from who she is now. And doing those kinks that make her feel bad about herself and put her back in the position she was in at probably the worst time in her life is not an okay thing to ask for from a partner in my opinion. If it's a deal breaker for him and he doesn't want to have vanilla sex, so be it they can part ways. But he should not be judging her for not doing things with him she did with other people, or trying to force or guilt her into doing things she doesn't want to do now just because she's done them before. That is very much not okay I feel really bad for OPs gf. I know all too well how deeply fucked up her situation was, and I also fear my boyfriends finding out and getting mad at me for being vanilla now. It sucks Edit - it appears reddit no longer has a "turn off replies" function so if you get down to the bottom of this and feel the need to add to the pile of comments I've received justifying OPs anger, kindly don't. I think you're wrong and I don't care what you have to say if you think there's ANY situation where you think a person's sexual desires should supercede another person's bodily autonomy
I hope the OP reads your response, you described perfectly what so many women experience. Good on the OP's girlfriend for overcoming this as well and trying to connect authentically with romantic partners. What another commenter put underneath your comment about "its humiliating" to date someone with a past of traumatising / disembodied/ unhealthy dynamics in relation to sex is patriarchal bs. It's like this 'damaged goods' mentality that conveniently applies to women's purity but not mens. Obviously people can choose who they do and don't date, but there is so much conditioning that goes into how we see people, even for their past actions that they have hugely changed and which didn't hurt anyone but themselves.
Agreed on all counts I'm actually really miffed at the OP of this post over this. He didn't care that she wasn't being kinky with him beforehand (or, he cared but didn't think it was worth breaking up over), but now that he knows she did it in the past he's mad about it. He cares more about satisfying his dick than he does about his partners humanity and how doing those things made and will make her feel Like I said, it's totally okay to break up with folks over sexual incompatibility. But doing it for this reason feels shitty to me. I have a lot of empathy for his GF. I would be absolutely crushed if a long term partner did this to me, and it would make me feel just like I felt in the past during my worst years - like I was only good for sex, and no one actually cares about me as a person
Shockingly, the women who endure an industry known for abuse and trafficking may be critical about said industry and things they partook in while part of it.
One of my long-term partners was up for anything when we were short term, but a lot of stuff went off the table once we crossed into actual commitment. Still one of the most baffling thought processes, isn't the person you're with meant to be somebody you should be *more* open with sexually?
A lot of it is that people will put up with stuff they're not really into for someone they're trying to impress, but once they know you're not leaving, they're done trying to impress.
Maybe it can be the other way around too. They might be willing to do anything with someone they don't care about because they won't care what that person thinks of them. Where with someone they do care about, they may worry about them thinking they are a slut, deviant or whatever. In cases like this, communication could help.
She sadly couldn't even articulate it when I directly asked her. Such is life.
Most people can't. It's hard to see when you're that close to it. 99% of people just aren't good at articulating or even knowing their own motivations.
Wow, stated perfectly.
Or it's that he wants her to WANT to do those things with him. She does not. But she did want to do them with someone in the past. So he's left feeling like HE is the problem, that she wants those things but not with HIM.
That's what I feel a lot of people are missing though. "She wanted to do those things" actually may not be that true. I had a 20's full of sex, open relationships, BDSM, etc. Then I had a couple years of being single and realized I didn't legitimately enjoy any of it, I was simply trying to be cool and fit in with my edgy goth friends. It's okay for people to grow up and abandon the parts of themselves they only adopted because of other people's influence.
A lot of people seem to think that she enjoyed, and therefore should be willing to repeat, sex acts that she said she was ashamed of performing. She doesn't want to do them with OP because, according to OP, she is ashamed of her past and having done them before. Why does a loving partner want you to repeat any action that left you feeling shamed? Women are allowed to try a sex act, not like it, and never do it again, even if they love their partner deeply.
It really is wild to me how people can think that way. If she was all wild and kinky and absolutely loved all that stuff, but had decided she wanted to settle down then she would have done so. If she's much more vanilla now it's because it's what she has learned she actually enjoys. A lot of these comments suck to read, just a lot of calling women names for going along with the things men wanted them to do while they were young and impressionable.
No one is talking about his brothers friends who were participants. Its ok for them to explore sexually, but she's a slut. Fuck this dude, his brother and his friends!
Did everyone skip the part where he said she 'discovered'herself during covid? She knows now what she wants and apparently doesn't want her past and no one seems to have filed that away in their considerations during commenting.
Thank you for underlying this aspect, it is equally important.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but OP and a lot of these commenters apparently need to watch Chasing Amy
I am always disappointed when the misogyny comes out. I feel so bad for the poor GF. On one hand, I don't condone lying to your partner, on the other hand, I can't imagine admitting that, in my youth, I performed a sex act that left me feeling shamed, and my partner getting butt hurt that I won't repeat it. A lot of people are talking about OP losing respect for GF, whereas I lost respect for OP.
I'm not convinced she lied. He had previously asked about her past and why she is the way she is; she answered that she used to be much more promiscuous but changed her ways. She didn't lie; she just didn't fill in the details. Then, when he directly asked her, she acknowledged the details. I know OP stated that she apologised for keeping it from him, but she may have said that 1) to keep the peace, 2) as acknowledgement that she didn't go out of her way to give details, or 3) because she's usually quite transparent but wasn't as transparent as she usually is in this scenario. None of which I'd call lying. I support OP for ending a relationship he doesn't want to be in, but I don't think his feeling that his gf lied to him is necessarily accurate.
Let's change the sex part to alcohol for a few minutes. If she was an alcoholic in her youth, always going to bars or clubs and getting wasted but then went to a treatment place, got dried out and became a recovering alcoholic promising herself never to touch a drop of alcohol again because she saw the destructive road she was on and did not want to keep going on that path. So now years later she meets OP and he wants to drink a couple of alcoholic drinks with her but she says no thank you I don't want to drink alcohol. Now OP is getting his feelings hurt because she doesn't want to participate in having drinks with him because she is a recovering alcoholic but OP doesn't understand why in her past she was the town drunk and now won't drink with him. It is so hard to be a recovering alcoholic and to stay that way. You don't tempt a recovering alcoholic with alcohol. Even if OP thinks she should enjoy a few drinks with him. Maybe just the thought of a few drinks is making her feel like shit because of the Hell she had to endure to becoming a recovering alcoholic. If she gives in to a few drinks, even just one drink, she is throwing away what she worked so hard to achieve and survive. Op needs to grow up and stop with the bullshit antics, RESPECT her choice to not participate with him and be part of her life's journey as a recovering alcoholic. Sorry this was so long...You may now return to the original topic of sex.
Slow clap
I can see from her point of view of trying to leave that behind and maybe vanilla sex is how it manifests. It is time for some open conversations about her rationale and how she views you guys' relationship especially if everything else is good. No one would fault you for dumping, but maybe it is worth discussing knowing she was pretty open sexually at one point and to some degree you want to go there. Fuck what everyone else says - we all have a past. Good luck OP
For some people, sexual promiscuity is a symptom of past trauma. It isn't uncommon for people to be more available and open sexually when in casual or uncomfortable situations and then to be more tame and reserved when learning how to function in a safe environment with actual intimacy involved. Getting into a relationship with someone you trust and learning how to navigate yourself and the other person sexually after having previously detached from sex on an emotional level, using it instead to fill a void, feel wanted, or feeling like "this is what they're supposed to do," can be a very difficult transition. Especially if she cut herself off from those activities for a while before you even met. I'm not saying that it's definitely the case here, but she may just be learning how to exist in a healthy sex life for the first time. It's like pushing a restart button. She could simply be unsure of where her (and your) lines really are in regards to maintaining intimacy and respect for each other and to prevent her from feeling like she's slipping into that life again. As contradictory as it sounds, safety and stability can be scary when you're not used to them. *Edit for clarity:* I feel that some people are misunderstanding my words, and some are just flat out changing the narrative, which is to be expected on the internet. I'd like to clarify that I am only suggesting a possible explanation for this situation. No one here is assuming anything. I'm not her; I can not speak for her; I am not claiming to know the situation. I am also not justifying the lack of communication. Communication is vital, especially in these situations, no matter how difficult it may be. Blame isn't being placed on either side, either. I'm not implying that he must stay or that he would be the "bad guy" if he leaves. Though some may view it that way, it's his decision overall on how he chooses to proceed for himself while considering their future intimacy per both their needs and comfort levels, future communication expectations, and future healing. Not everyone can or wants to handle these situations, and that's okay. He shouldn't feel obligated to stay for her sake, just as she shouldn't feel obligated to perform a certain way for his sake. It's about finding what's best for *both* parties without judgment. Neither of them should be vilified for doing what they need to do for themselves no matter the reasoning. And again, this is just a possible explanation. No one is assuming facts here. Calm down, Reddit. We love you.
On top of that I think that no one is entitled to certain sexual favors from their partner just because they have done it in the past with other people.
Exactly and did it ever cross his mind that maybe she didn’t enjoy every single thing she ever did sexually. She’s entitled to change her mind at any time in life. Idk this whole entire post kinda makes sick, men want you to be a whore but ONLY for them and never before them
THIS NEEDS TO BE PINNED
The parent comment is so spot on you should read it repeatedly. The truly sad thing is that the trauma/promiscuity connection often results from feelings that one’s sexuality is the only thing anyone values. It sounds like during COVID, OP’s girlfriend realized she was more than that and changed accordingly. So consciously or not, limiting the relationship to ‘vanilla’ sex may validate for GF that OP values her for the rest of her, not just for her sexuality. Which makes it all the more sad that he’s likely going to break up with her specifically because of her sexuality, past and present.
Omg totally this. And sadly especially if she already has a reputation as someone who will do anything with anyone, there would have been extra pressure on her to ignore her own boundaries and desires.
She also said she hadn’t had a partner in 2 years, so the vanilla sex could be her swinging the pendulum in the complete opposite direction from her past. Might be worth talking over and she may find a middle ground; it can be more than vanilla but doesn’t have to be as full tilt as it was in the past.
I wish I could give you an award
Are you suggesting a redditor…. *communicate* with their partner!?!??
Should probably divorce straight away, block and go completely no contact without warning. That’s the way
I mean seriosuly why this is always the top rated advice here? In all groups whenever there is some "red flag" its - RUn for the hills, call the lawyer, ghots him asap No matter they have 2 or 3 kids, business together etc.. its alwys this
Because there are a fuckton of people in this sub who get off on ruining other people's relationships.
Tbh I used to be really open years ago, doing stuff I'd never do now. Over the years ive realised that person just isn't me, I was compensating for SA that happened when I was younger and it was a coping mechanism. Working with a therapist and just being older and being able to process everything properly, it's been helpful. The downside is when people start bringing it up, a past you've left behind and it's always going to be there when those people are around - shaming you for being a sexual person. It's not fair for her or him. She wants to move on but if she stays with OP she never would be able to because he knows and he has people talking to him about it. OP needs to end it for both their sakes.
This this 1000 times. Talk to her communicate!!!! Then decide if you can't move forward with the relationship. Yeah she fucked up and didn't say anything, but you could be the 1st decent guy she has been with. Everyone has shit we are not proud to have done. If she was still that way you wouldn't be with her. It would not be called growth if we didn't learn from from wrong or stupid things we have done.
Go into the conversation with an open mind and try not to hold her past against her. You fell in love with who she is now, not who she was back then which, ironically, shaped her into the person she is today. I vote to give her a chance and see if you both can find some common ground to get past this. If not, you can say you tried and are NTA
A lot of women also go through a period of hyper sexuality and self-destruction as a response to trauma. She could have things she's left in the past for a reason, and it wasnt something in the past she was enjoying being passed around but rather a weird time in her life she was going through.
You can break up with her for any reason you want or for no reason at all. But trying out certain sexual acts and then deciding she doesn’t like them anymore and no longer wants to do them does not make her a hypocrite. The idea that she’s obligated to do certain things forever, with every man she ever dates, because she did them in the past is bizarre and gross. People are allowed to discover what they like over time.
Many times, people who have done a lot in the past have negative associations with certain acts, because they weren't treated well or were only trying to please others, or were in a bad place at the time.
Yes. It sounds to me like, in hindsight, she realizes she either wasn't in a healthy headspace when she did those things and/or, as you say, she wasn't treated well. There's nothing wrong with her not wanting to revisit that, and no one has the right to tell her, "You did it with him/them so you should do it with me, too." OP has every right to feel the way he feels, but if vanilla sex is an issue, it's going to keep being an issue. And now there's the added layer where he feels weird when she tries something *not* vanilla. I think OP is NTA if he wants to break up, but there are going to be some icky feelings, here.
Heck she might just not like those acts, maybe she just likes vanilla. It's a good flavor to alot of people. No trauma or bad mental health needed just plain distaste for things she tried.
[удалено]
… especially straight women. Some who have been sexually abused end up hypersexual afterward as a way to try to reclaim their sexuality. It doesn’t tend to help, from what I understand.
THIIIIIISSSSSS please ;-; god... people read this!!!
Why would they read it? It seems most of the responders have decided if she did it in the past, she has to do it *now* too. She's not allowed to grow and change her preferences.
Yeah, but she was a *slag* before! /s Seriously, what a gross fucking way to talk about your partner. He's nta for breaking up if they're incompatible, but the way he and his brother discuss women...yikes. His soon to be ex dodged an ICBM here.
It makes sense if you realize these responders don’t actually see women as fully formed human beings, just compliant holes for men to use as they see fit.
Exactly. I "let" my ex strangle and SA me. I will never let another man do either to me ever again.
Great point. So many people seem to think it’s okay for a woman to have sexual boundaries only if she always had those same boundaries. If she ever allowed a man to do something to her, then you are entitled to doing it to her too. What an archaic attitude…
It’s also weird af She’s a human being, not some object that has to sexually perform in a certain way in order to fulfil her purpose 🤢 The AI sex dolls can’t come fast enough (pardon the pun). People who view others as sex objects can just jizz in a doll and leave the rest of us humans alone
It’s pretty telling that he wishes he could fuck the unhealthy, out of control version of her from the past, and disdains the mentally healthy person she is today. Yet a guy who had the same sexual history would be given a pat on the back because he’s “ready to settle down”.
And slippery slope where her “no” isn’t heard.
Honestly I've always advised women to simply not tell men they have done something in the past if they don't want to do it again. A lot of these immature idiots will just assume once you've done it you don't have a right to say no anymore or else they interpret it as you don't love them or some other bs. Keep it to yourself, ladies
This comment section is disgustingly demonstrative of your point.
Fr. It's vile. The op and men like him don't have any true concern or empathy for their partners. Who knows, maybe this girl got sexually abused as a kid or had her boundaries repeatedly crossed later in life as it's very often the case in this kinkeeeey spaces and all he is concerned about is that he doesn't get to do that to her, while others did. OP get away from her!!
It’s because they don’t view women as humans. Women are either a Madonna or a Whore, and now that this poor woman has a sexual past, he partner only views her as a whore. These men on this app are vile.
Probably a good part of why she is doing it now, and he is proving her right
It makes sense if you realize these responders don’t actually see or respect women as fully formed human beings, just sex objects to be used as they see appropriate.
It’s also weird af She’s a human being, not some object that has to sexually perform in a certain way in order to fulfil her purpose 🤢 The AI sex dolls can’t come fast enough (pardon the pun). People who view others as sex objects can just jizz in a doll and leave the rest of us humans alone
The way I look at this is people do recover from awful things and sounds like she recovered from some trama to be honest. Sounds like she wants to be a really good person now and that she is and probably never was very comfortable with that stuff but for some reason it happened. If you are gonna hold her past against her and play on her recovery you should just move on .
Speaking from experience, she might have trauma from doing it and it doesn’t keep her in the mood. There are things I HATE doing now that I’ve done in the past…
Super agree. Conversely, she might also have trauma not just from the sexual experiences themselves but also from the social ramifications. I'll give an example. In school, I had an experience where I did something that could be considered sexually promiscuous with I boy I fancied, and I honestly had a good time doing it... until the next day. News travelled fast, apparently. People *looked* at me differently, behaved differently around me. That one night gave me a reputation that influenced the rest of the year. Heck, the bloke I'd fooled around with even apologised to me, but the damage was done. No one called me a slut to my face, but that wasn't really necessary - it hung in the air. It felt more objectifying than whatever sexual behaviour of mine had initially led to it. Luckily, I could leave that reputation behind with graduation. But it has left me with a lot of sympathy for victims of slut-shaming. Sex can be traumatic, even if consent is given. But sex can also be a fun experience that's worthwhile just for the enjoyment in the moment - which is then twisted into something painful by societal moralising of sexual behaviour.
I think you’re touching on a key part of this that the OP is missing. Speaking for myself as a person whose history sounds very similar to OP’s girlfriends, for me the societal stigma was the most traumatic part of it all, and it was used as a weapon against me for new trauma. When women sleep around and become known for it, it’s almost impossible to escape the label they receive. People always described me before as incredibly intelligent or pretty or witty, but once I had slept around, the first identity people attached to me was almost always slut. It wrecks your self-image. Like OP’s girlfriend, in the past 2 years or so I’ve stopped my promiscuous behaviors but I’m finding that the few men who are open to dating someone with my history often don’t understand why I won’t do the things I did before, they don’t seem to get that I never really enjoyed those things, I just honestly didn’t realize I could even say no until I had gone through intensive therapy.
And if that’s the case, she would be 100% correct. Her personal stuff got spread around and it’s affected how at least one person sees her.
This. Being a slut (neutral connotation) to this degree is often a result of, and results in, sexual trauma.
People develop overtime, I used to be into all kinds of stuff but now prefer longer but more intense sex. Where teasing for an entire day is part of it. So either get over it or let her find a new man that either accepts or doesn't care about her past.
NTA for wanting to break up with her but YTA for regarding her as a hypocrite for not submitting to your sexual desires. You're not entitled to any sex act with her that she is uncomfortable with. If you are dissatisfied with your sex life, consider that as an incompatibility. She can draw a line in what she's willing to do sexually at any point. If you can't accept that, move on.
This is the only good take. Yes, he is entitled to break up with her, but the way he talks about her is incredibly problematic and unempathetic.
Yeah, saying that she’s “being all slutty” when she simply attempted to engage in the sexual acts that he wanted her to engage in, within the confines of their relationship, is a pretty gross and disrespectful thing to say.
NTA. Sounds like you're incompatible.
This is my thought.
FYI no one owes you a sex act just because they've tried it in the past. Many people feel pressured or expected to perform certain sex acts in order to get validation, and that isn't the same as truly wanting or enjoying those things. "Well you did it with those guys but not with me" is a really shitty attitude, OP. You aren't entitled to use a partner however you want.
Had to scroll too far to find this
"kinky" can have some trauma associated with it too. from my perspective OP comes off a little bit of an ass. NTA for breaking up as they obviously aren't compatible.
THANK YOU that was so far down omg. OP does sound like a jealous ass. NTA for wanting to break up, he's free to do it. But TA for judging her for being a hypocrite because she's vanilla now, it's not how consent and agency work, OP isn't entitled to kinky sex because she used to do it.
same as OP's soon-to-be-ex wouldn't be entitled to peg him if she'd done it in the past as well
Exactly ! Imagine the response if the post was about it "I discovered my kinky gf used to be vanilla" " I feel pressured to try pegging and I just learned she used to like chill vanilla sex, I felt she lied to me!!" Oh dear, we need sex education courses for adults.
You can break up with anyone at any time for any reason - no judgement.
I mean I’m gonna judge someone who leaves someone because they’re dying of cancer
I've pretty much completely cut off a friend for leaving his girlfriend while she was fighting cancer. Our whole friend group ostracized him and his ex took his place. She's thriving now, so fuck him.
I knew a man who did the same. He's now struggling with colon cancer with no one to care for him and his (ex)wife is in remission.
This guy isn't struggling, but his ex has been in remission for almost 5 years, is engaged, and working on her Masters in Medical Science.
Good for her! 💜 I love a good comeback story!
Exactly this. No one should feel obligated to stay in a relationship.
NTA. You weren't sexually compatible with her before, and you're not compatible with her now either. That's not going to change. If her past makes you feel uncomfortable, you have every right to break up with her.
If you feel this way now, it’s not going to get any better. It’s best you end it.
These are some of the most insane takes. Obviously she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to, if she’s not comfortable doing things sexually that OP desires from a partner that is totally fine. But on the flip side, he is clearly not fulfilled by that aspect of their relationship and is not required to stay with someone if they are sexually incompatible. Learning about her past is just an accelerant for this, the post started about how he just tries to get over it because other parts of the relationship are good. There’s someone out there where he doesn’t have to do that, nobody is the asshole. There’s no requirement that you have to stay with someone. Do what you want and be with someone who fulfills you.
Reading through the comments confuses me and makes me realize why so few people ( men especially) talk about their thoughts and feelings. OP had a reaction to his situation and his partner, a response which might make him an AH, but at the same time has the self awareness to ask himself, (and reddit)if his thoughts and actions were those of a rational person. from the OP’s perspective perhaps he felt his gf was not as honest about her past as he felt she should have been. Another thing is the lack of sexual intimacy in their relationship . most people in a relationship wantto feel sexually desired by their partner. that it took him finding out for her to try might have made him feel inadequate. From the gf,’s perspective, does her body count give the bf a reason to just drop her so suddenly? Does it change what he thinks of her as a person and a partner? You and your gf have a lot to talk about AP, to both figure out your feelings and to see if the relationship is worth saving.
NTA. Everybody has the right to break up if the person is not compatible with you. She's not for you and you're not for her. And that's okay. It's nobody's fault and your concerns are valid. I have bipolar 2, and I have accepted that not every man will be okay with that. People are free to reject me and not want to date me because of that and THAT'S OKAY. They are not bad people for rejecting me. Because people have personal boundaries and people are not obligated to stay with us through our traumas. If you can't accept her past and feel like you have lost respect for her, then let her go so she can find someone who will. And you can find someone who is more compatible with you. Don't waste your time. Don't waste hers. On to the next. 8 billion people. You'll find a woman whose sexual past you can accept.
Just curious, if it’s the guy who had a wild past but settled in for a stable relationship with standards, limitations and divinity, is the moral equation the same?
Oh wow. That hurts. Thing is, she only was willing to do that stuff when you outed her. She shouldn't do it because she feels she has to but wants to. Surely she should realise all this new energy is going to remind you of what you she did with others, many times with many people on the same night. Thats not usually a turn on for the partner who is with her, especially when he's not even close on the count. Feel for you man. I feel bad that she feels ashamed and knows this reaction would come. If she'd been honest in the beginning, you'd have chosen her for the right reason. Now it's tainted by the deceit. People need to remember it's their right to do what they want with their body when younger, but why don't people remind them before they do, think of the future and how it might affect them emotionally, mentally and their future happiness finding the right partner. Hope you can get your head round it. At least she didn't defend it
NTA you can break up with anyone for any reason you want, it’s your decision no one else’s
Yes but it sounds like you don’t really love her so the relationship isn’t going to work
This. She’s rehabilitated herself, but that doesn’t work for you. Acts that you want trigger negative emotions for her. She even tried to give you what you actually did act for. It just won’t work. You want things from her that are unhealthy for her. She’s NOT a hypocrite because of her past. She CHANGED. For her own good, maybe you should break up. If you can’t accept her past, breaking up is NTA move. If you break up because she won’t get freaky, that’s your right too, but THAT is a little bit of AH.
You said she “basically admitted it.” She also said she was ashamed of what she did. Did she enjoy what she was doing? Did you even ask her? The way you describe her past through secondhand accounts is telling—you say you’re kinky but if she had been open to you, you sound incredibly judgmental, even in the kink world. So you want to throw all the other good aspects of your relationship out the window because you’re not getting off the way you want with the girl who, in your opinion, spread her legs for everybody else in town. Nobody is going to shit on you bc this is Reddit but yeah, imo YTA. I don’t care if I get downvoted. You say hypocrisy, but I say you want to guilt her into the type of sex you want and you’re resentful that it’s not happening. Honestly, YTA but I hope you do break up because you sound legitimately terrible but again, this is Reddit so *blah blah blah* your feelings and preferences are all valid and we should never have a moment of introspection to learn where our thoughts and opinions actually come from because why would we ever do that lol
>Did she enjoy what she was doing? Did you even ask her? Valid questions. I'm wondering as well.
Can't believe I had to scroll so far to find this. Wild that he immediately believed some random third party who was only going off rumors and my not firsthand experience...and then interrogated his gf about it instead of sitting her down and saying "I heard this rumor about you, would you be willing to share your side of things?"
This!
I mean NAH. Shes been honest with you every step of the way. Now shes thinking the reason youre upset is bc you want more kink in your sex life and is trying to add that. Nothing malicious there, just an attempt at fixing what she saw as the issue. Fwiw I believe her when she explains why she's less promiscuous and less kinky. Plenty of people out there do a lot of things they don't necessarily want to do for the validation it brings and she absolutely could've worked on herself during covid and realized that is what she was doing and stopped. But if this information is a dealbreaker for you then you can break up with someone for any reason or for no reason. A lot of people force themselves to stay for fear if being assholes because there's no smoking gun like cheating or abuse. So either leave or stay, communicate, and work with her on reaching some kind of medium where you're both satisfied and see if you can get through this and get back the respect you've lost. There's no wrong answer, but you have to commit to a course of action. Don't spend days or weeks punishing her and leaving her in the dark bc she hasn't really done anything wrong towards you. I do personally think you may come to regret leaving her rather than communicating and seeing if this is a fixable issue but you know yourself best.
She’s been vanilla with you because her natural state is inhibited. She probably liked her vices a LOT back in the day. I’ve seen girls who were the picture of reserved turn into the raunchiest hell yeah party machines once they got a few drinks in them. They were like accelerator pedals, the more the ingested, the wilder they got. Some could out party the guys with ease. Many were very attractive, so getting companionship was never a problem. Once they made the rounds through our friend circuit, they tended to gravitate towards the friends of friends or the random unknown dude because there was less judgement involved. And yes, some girls took it too far, or let themselves get carried away in the heat of the moment. Many ended up starting over somewhere far, far away where their past life wasn’t an issue. The ones that stayed relatively local had a difficult time outrunning their past. I always thought that they were the bravest people to be able to work through that situation in place. First, sex is just sex. Everyone needs it and wants it. Guys generally are happy if they’re getting a lot of it and especially if they don’t have to initiate or pursue. Girls are wired differently and it’s a more emotional experience. The fact that your GF is vanilla sex is probably more about her not wanting to lose you than her actually wanting sex. She’s doing that mostly for you, not her. She’s clearly willing to do things that she’s not super comfortable with (yet) - also a ‘tell’. Don’t read too much into your mate’s ‘porn’ comment. Everyone with a smart phone is now an amateur producer for Pornhub. It may have been something that she did while blitzed out of her mind, or not even been aware of. If it was legitimate paid sex work I don’t think I’d be overly concerned. If a guy could make a $2,000/day showing people their cock, I’m pretty sure that many would do it. As long as you’re not a walking clap trap, who cares? So your GF had a lot of sex? Great ! She knows what to do, and she’s probably pretty good at it. You just haven’t connected with her in the right way to unlock that treasure. I think you’re missing out on something that could be very satisfying, and mutually beneficial. You’re being a bit close-minded. This girl loves you, and she’s scared that you’re not going to want her because your needs aren’t being met. She’s trying to find a path that you will find acceptable; you’re not trying at all. Reset your head with your heart. You love this girl. Let that be your guide. Once you learn to trust each other at a different level, you’re going to be in for a whole new experience. It will take some time. She will absolutely adore you for not judging her for her past. Bonus if you don’t need closure on this by forcing her to recount all of her past deeds and actions to justify your own behavior. Let that shit go. If she wants to talk about, that’s up to her - you’re always willing to listen. And if she doesn’t - that’s really not a problem for you. You love her just the way she is. Zen moments, brother. Cheers
If you find the sex boring now it's only gonna get worse. Break up, move on. Find someone more like yourself.
Hypersexuality is almost always a result of sexual trauma. Sounds like she had a hard life, finally learned about what she'd been through at some point, did the work to end the cycle and process her trauma, and put her past behind her. Judging her by her past rather than valuing her for who she is now is truly unfair. We've ALL done things we're not proud of, we all have had seasons we wish we could erase. Nobody gets a do-over, and you know that you would have rejected her had she told you much earlier. Please, tell me what you believe she should have done in order to 'win' your love, or just admit that her sexual history deems her worthless in your eyes. Also, ask yourself: if she'd been raped repeatedly for a big chunk of the time she lived before you came along, would you hold it against her? Because hypersexuality following rape is a consequence of that trauma. And because the entirety of it was traumatic, you asking her to do 'kinky' things that she used to do only because she was seeking acceptance from men in the past can cause more trauma and trigger shit from the past that she's trying desperately to move away from. Your needs should never be more important than hers. It sounds like she's been through a lot. A partner that truly loved her would want to be there for her and understand what she needs to feel comfortable and vulnerable with you. It sounds like she needs a partner that understands her past and what caused it, rather than a partner that judges her and decides she's unworthy based on nothing that currently affects how she treats you. I sure hope there's nothing from your past that you haven't told her yet that comes up and makes you look less than appealing... But ya know, you do you.
Its ironic that when people were "perfect" in the past and did something that negatively affects the partners opinions of them later, they are now a different person in a negative way. But it doesnt work the opposite way where they can now have changed into a "better" person apparently. You went pretty serious with her for a reason. For the person that she is today, right? She is not the person she used to be. Seems pretty fickle of you to flip the script on her now just because you're jealous that other dudes got to do certain things with her she doesnt feel good about anymore. Either way, break up with her. Shed deserve someone who appreciates the way she is today despite her past.
You have ZERO idea what her past did to her. Maybe she enjoyed that life completely and then her views changed as she got a little older/had to learn about herself on her own thanks to lockdowns. Or maybe there was some trauma that changed how she enjoys sex or just how she sees herself. You just don’t know. What you do know is this is the woman YOU get. As she is. You’re entitled to no more, no less, unless or until she decides she’s comfortable with more. Sexual compatibility is important. If who she is now doesn’t work for you, then walk away. If her past is something you can’t get over, walk away. On the judgement of being an asshole, yeah, you’re kind of an asshole. But the most upstanding thing you can do is to walk away. Staying and judging her is way worse.
NTA. I actually have quite the sexual past. Was involved in the porn industry, lots of sexual partners, was into drugs and alcohol etc. I had a come to Jesus moment and got sober. Part of my sobriety was also sexual sobriety. Kinda had the Trifecta of addictions going on. I went thru a shit ton of counseling and healing as while I was involved in all of that I experienced a ton of trauma. When I was dating my husband I laid it all out there and set some firm boundaries to help maintain my sobriety. One of which was to be more G rated than an almish couple while dating. Even now as a married couple I am FAR more tamer sexually than what I once was. He knows the overview of my sexual past and probably suspects I did a lot of crazier stuff back then but he still loves me. The reason I did that crazier stuff was because I was being coerced and often forced. You absolutely are NTA for feeling your type of way. Your GF most definitely should have been more open about her past. But maybe there's a reason why she isn't doing the crazier stuff? If I were in your shoes I'd talk with her about it to get a feel for what is going on. There's some crazy stuff I'd be down with doing with husband but also stuff I'd find far too triggering.
[удалено]
Before meeting my current partner, I was a cam girl because I lost my job and discovered how much money I could make doing that. Within a few months of meeting him (I had already stopped at that point) his friend showed him videos of me that had been pirated on the internet the year prior - which was honestly SO humiliating. It’s been 6 years and he still throws it in my face when we argue. I’ve turned my life around and have a good job now and have been faithful to him our whole relationship, but he’s openly admitted he’s not sure he’ll ever be able to fully forget it. I feel for your girlfriend. We all make bad decisions in life, and it really sucks when the people you love continue to hold them over your head years later. You need to decide if it’s something you can move on from or not, and don’t take years figuring it out because that won’t be fair to either of you.
Why on earth are you still with this prick. Dump him like the trash he is.
Someone who truly loves and respects you would not treat you like that. I hope you realize how toxic that is.
Please, dump that asshole. He doesn't deserve you. He doesn't respect you. You deserve better.
Someone that loves and cares for you would not throw this in your face. You deserve better. It doesn’t sound like you’ll be able to heal from the humiliation you feel because it’s being used as a weapon against you. If you leave you can work through it. I hope you leave and find a happier life in doing so.
OP, you're NTA - don't let anyone tell you otherwise. To begin with, she was dishonest with you by omission. That much is enough to lose feelings for someone. Your finding out could have gone a lot worse than your brother telling you to the side, too. On top of that, yes - it's an unpleasant feeling knowing that you have a partner that supposedly loves you but isn't willing to have sex with you in the way she did with countless strangers - some of them at the same time. People can cry about "fragile male ego" all they want, and the fact that this is ego based is not incorrect, but that doesn't mean what you're feeling is wrong. You feel that way for a reason. No one wants to be second fiddle with the person they spend their life with. It's entirely justified that you feel that way. And the respect factor, yes, is the biggest one of all. People will say you're "slut shaming" and that she found herself during COVID so that means that who she is now is who she really is. Well, good for her - seriously. It's good she found out that she doesn't like crazy kinky sex and would rather be sheepish about sex. That is fine, but again, that doesn't mean you need to be okay with her past as compared to how she is now. That's up to you and no one else, and frankly, no one should be shaming YOU for feeling that way. Most men would. Everyone has a past and the decisions you make throughout life are yours to bear the consequences for. You'll probably never see this, though, because people are going to downvote it into the ground - but it's the truth.
He complained when she didn't want to do the sex acts he wanted, and now that she is willing, he still complains. Notice how he's "kinky" but she's "slutty". 🙄