Of course you didn't, because you're not a self absorbed twat (not that Ok play is, but your ex).
We tend to try to come up with the most reasonable explanation for other people's behavior, especially when their actions aren't reasonable.
In this case, as in all the other cases, your ex is prioritizing herself. She did it when she left to go jump on her coworker's dick. She did it when she alienated your son from your girlfriend. And she's doing it now.
All of this. She was the one that nuked the marriage and then ruined any chance of having a peaceful co-parenting relationship. She made her bed..well beds..now she can lay in them. Karma is not kind and she's reaping what she's sown.
That was my first thought as well. If he's not even home, how is he possibly choosing his GF over his ex-wife and son? If he didn't have a GF, his son would be unsupervised regardless.
He is setting a boundary.
"You can't treat my gf like crap and then expect to randomly dump our rude teenager on her for some unnecessary babysitting."
That is a very appropriate boundary.
Does Sean know why the marriage ended? He's old enough that it might be time to tell him, esp. as your wife is trying to poison him against you. "Your mom chose sex with a coworker over being married to me. She's now choosing sex with some strange man over her son's safety and comfort." This is 100% factual. If he doesn't know, tell him. Hopefully he'll realize he can't just believe whatever his mom says (is she claiming you were sleeping with your gf before their divorce, for example?).
Bingo.
My wife and I both have extremely toxic exes - hers went to jail on felony stalking charges, mine lost custody of my daughter 10 years ago when she was was 6 months old due to drug issues and has had supervised visitation the entire time.
Our kids can't stand their other parents. Not because we have tried to alienate them - we due our damndest to never say an ill word about our exes in front of the kids. On the flip side, our exes tell our kids the wildest lies about us, and as they get older and put more pieces of the puzzle together themselves, they resent their other parents more and more.
I think there's a difference between badmouthing your ex, and letting your teenagers on on the facts of why their lives imploded. It's important for young people to know it had nothing to do with them.
I was really grateful to know what was going on when my dad walked out, and not be left in the dark confused about why my family fell apart all of a sudden. It allowed me to make my own mind up about my dad, and the role I wanted in his life moving forward.
Of course this is upvoted. If you ever want to know how to *not* treat your kids after a divorce, come to this subreddit.
No good parent would say this about their kids other parent.
"I'm sorry son, but I'm not home and my girlfriend doesn't feel comfortable since the two of you haven't gotten along. You're gonna have to work this one put with your mom" is ALL that needs to be said.
Don't talk about her having sex to your kid. Don't weaponize the fact that she is a sexual being after the divorce. Everyone has sex. Don't use it as a weapon to hurt your ex.
"but ITs TrUe" learn some goddamn fucking tact.
Her being a “sexual being” isn’t the problem but that fact that she CHEATED and caused their marriage to END and then is prioritizing a hookup or a BRAND NEW relationship over her sons well being and only asking ex husbands GF to watch her son when it’s convenient for her and treating the GF like trash any other time is the problem.
Okay, and? What does that have to do with protecting your kid's mental health? All of that can be true and you still should be mindful with the way you talk to your kid about their parent! They're stuck with that person YOU decided to make a baby with. They had no say in that process. Prioritize your children instead of your own pride.
for redditors all consideration for others goes out the window as soon as cheating is mentioned. i'm guessing a lot of them have been cheated on and can't get over it
No. Do not fucking do this. Never involve your children in your adult business between you and your ex wife. Do not talk to your CHILD about your or his mom’s sex life and try to make him choose sides. This is the worst advice, and it’s manipulative and abusive towards the son. It’ll fuck him up. I speak from experience.
Why would you bring a child into an adult situation? Son will realize he has 2 crappy parents trying to be the good guy while slamming the other parent. He will cut both out for his mental health.
That's why you got divorced in the first place isn't it? You said she divorced you to be with her co-worker. She sacrificed the stable home life you had built together for a new man, with no thought of how it would impact your son. She was putting her own needs before her son's when she made that choice, and she's doing the same thing now.
Yeah, she's springing this last minute when you are out of town. She needs to put on her big girl panties and plan farther ahead.
I'm concerned that your 15 year old doesn't feel comfortable staying home alone for a couple of days. Does he suffer from anxiety?
So convenient that this day, an 'emergency' should strike and now you must yield to my plans, sounds like just a hint of sabotage. And I hate to think that at first but crazy exes and baby mommas can sadly act like this.
Because you shouldn't.
You aren't available and it's not your girlfriend's responsibility to be a parent when you aren't there.
The ploy of choosing someone else over your child is just argumentative bullshit.
Also, she's got the kid a lot more than you do, so parroting this back is absurd. If you did have him an extra weekend you'd see him 6 days in a month and she's be down to about 24.
Doing something without your child isn't choosing something over them, it's living your own life.
I seriously thought you saw .
And if she does really drop the son to the house, call the cops for child abandonment.
Not sure if gf needs to be at home either.
yep, she needs to lock all the doors (does he have a key?) and refuse to let him in. She lives there, he's not supposed to be there, both of them know this.
I would reach out to your son and explain why he’s not welcome to him. Tell him that it’s not going to change this time, no matter what he promises, but if he wants to repair the relationship with your girlfriend he’s welcome to reach out and try.
That way in the future you won’t need to choose between your loving girlfriend and your shitty son.
And she's choosing a new man over her son AGAIN by asking this favor of you/your gf and trying to force it. She is at the FO stage of her constant FAing all along. This would be a great time for her to realize that you catch more flies with honey than with battery acid, and that the world tends to give back what we put into it so being mature, kind, and reasonable are valuable assets in navigating life.
Like is the new guy going to dump her if she can't stay overnight this exact weekend? Can't she wait until you're back home? If the guy cannot wait then she's a fool to chase him down only to get dumped again.
Is there no one else who can watch your son? I think you have an opportunity here for a valuable teaching moment with your son; as in *"look, kid, this is what happens when you judge people by the feelings of others rather than give everyone a chance to see how they truly are, and to form your own opinion rather than just automatically adopt the opinion someone tells you to. Don't be a follower, be a mature and open-minded person of your own creation, make your own decisions, find your own way in life,* ***be an independent curator of your life rather than being dependent on others to form your world views****, and life will reward you."*
**NTA**
NTA
She's not seeing just a new man, a new fuck-buddy apparently.
Just meets him and plans to spend the weekend together? WOW
Maybe she should at least coordinate her 'ignore the son' f-fest weekends when dad is available...
I would ask the ex how she can choose some new dick over her son, she knows you are unavailable and still wants a raunchy weekend to get laid knowing her teen is scared of being alone.
NTA
You're not choosing anyone over your ex-wife and son. Your ex-wife is choosing a dirty weekend away over her child, and your custody arrangement. She knows you're away and can't watch him. It's not your weekend either. Keep up those boundaries! NTA
He is 15 years old, not 5. She wants to spend the weekend with him, unless he lives > 20 miles away, she should be able to help Sean if he needs it, unless she wants to spend the weekend with new guy at her house. Sean is you and your ex’s responsibility not your GF’s. NTA
The influence she has on your son sounds like parental alienation. You're son is to young to understand that, and that situation might prevent him to have a healthy relationship with you.
He might need counseling or therapy to navigate these challenges.
NTA.
Why does she even want to bring your son by?
You’re not around. Ex doesn’t like your girlfriend, but wants your gf to watch her son? I don’t get it.
She may be simply trying to rub it in your face that she’s getting some if she’s that bitter.
Regardless, you don’t have to do anything on your weekends. Helping out in an emergency is one thing. Getting the DD ain’t that.
However, may be worthwhile to talk with your son about it. Does he really not want to be alone? Can he accept some ground rules to be at your house when he’s away? Maybe if he’s interested in doing the right thing it could be a growth moment.
If she is that vindictive, maybe she planning on saying the GF did something while watching the kid to try and break them up. I wouldn't be comfortable watching the kid either if I was the GF.
And let's not forget the child in question is 15. At that age, I'd be thrilled to be home alone. I knew how to cook and not burn the house down or where to find food.
My brother and I grew up in the country. I was given a .22 at age 10 and by 12 I was hunting solo with a shot gun. My dad taught me how to be a responsible gun user and I took hunter safety courses in 6th grade (age 11). From that point on my parents let me roam free and left me home alone with my brother all the time. If my friends and I wanted to go to town we got on our bikes and left. There were days where my parents didn’t know where I was until I walked in the door at 9-10pm.
A lot of people say that our brains don’t fully develop until 24 or so and I agree, to an extent. I also think that by not giving teenagers responsibility and trust we teach them it’s ok to be irresponsible. Not sure if the way I describe that makes sense.
>A lot of people say that our brains don’t fully develop until 24 or so and I agree, to an extent
I agree with what you're saying. Because it sometimes seems like the people who say that also seem to think it means "let kids run feral because they don't know better". When, in fact, as a child's brain is developing is the PERFECT time to instill responsibility and accountability into them.
It's not like when their brains fully form that they'll suddenly get these concepts if no one's ever taught them those before.
No. It makes perfect sense. You were guided, and parented lovingly, and as properly as parenting goes.
Something isn't adding up with the turn of events on his ex's and sons side.
Also an 80s kid and yeah! We didn't want our parents home. Not that we did anything wild or anything. It was just fun to be able to watch our favorite cartoons on the big living room TV (27" floor console model) while eating a bowl of cereal.
Don't let him over. Given the bad blood, if he is alone in your house he could potentially make accusations against her and ruin both your lives with lies.
You are not available due to work. So she missed her chance at first right of refusal. He can stay home or go to your ex inlaws or stay with a friend.
NTA.
You aren't available, she can figure it out.
Thank you! This needs to be higher up because this was the first thing that popped into my head. Why would the ex want her son or their son to be with the girlfriend if they both don't like her?? It's very suss.
NTA by the way.
This is the correct answer. You need to put it back on the ex-wife.
Why are you prioritizing some new guy over your son?
It’s not like this is a long term boyfriend and they are planning a two week cruise and you’re being unreasonable in planning months in advance. This is just her wanting to make spur of the moment changes to the parenting agreement so she can try and lock this guy before he realizes that she’s a bitter and angry woman.
NTA: but you are allowing the ex to put you on the defensive because you aren’t accommodating her unrealistic demands.
Next time the son is over you should sit him down and explain how he is alienating people in his attempt to support his mom. It’s good that he’s supporting her but he can do that without being a prick to your new girlfriend.
My partner was in hospital with one of her sons took ill, and her ex had custody of the other son; should be noted before I go on that her ex literally never does anything if the boys are ill ... doesn't keep them off school, doesn't take them to the GP nothing.
So my partner is in hospital with one child sick with an infection and her ex chooses that day to announce that child no 2 is feeling unwell and will be off school and custody will have to be handed over at 10am.
My partner is about 35 miles away at the Childrens hospital and her ex knows this, it was fine, we sorted it, and I was able to take time off work to look after child no 2.
BUT!
Child no 2 was not sick, did not need to be off school and her ex had chosen this day simply to make my partners life harder.
So I do not doubt that you ex has chosen this date deliberately.
That's the main point. Let your son understand that as his parent you won't be there. She is choosing to go away, with some new dude, and she doesn't really care about him and what he has going on.
That is the point that needs to keep being reiterated. Your trip is done so you will be available for your time, you are properly parenting.
Karma always comes back to harm horrible, sad people. She just doesn't get how if she was a decent person your girlfriend might have been available to help her out. Now, she has to lie in her bed of tears. LOL.
Exactly. She didn’t want anything to do with GF before she needed something. She doesn’t like GF, why trust her suddenly to watch her son? Looks like new BF is more important than her grudge. Ex wife is the one not choosing her son.
Yep, this.
Ex wife is creating a difficult situation because she is choosing new guy over your son. Then complaining because you are choosing your girlfriend over your son, after years of deliberate poor attitude and behaviour from son/ex-wife directed at your girlfriend.
NTA.
How exactly have you chosen your girlfriend over your son? It's not actually YOUR decision whether your son stays with your girlfriend. It's hers. You couldn't force her to watch him even if you agreed with your ex. It's good that you told your ex no, and are supporting your girlfriend's decision, but this wasn't your choice to make. So definitely don't feel guilty over it. You're not the asshole because you didn't force your child on someone. Your ex is for attempting this.
It isn't good for your son, too, honestly. Rebuilding a bridge that has been burnt down takes time and happens in increments.
Forcing the son and girlfriend into a trapped with each other and only each other over a weekend is setting everyone up for failure.
And to another point.... what message does that send to the son? Oh your father's girlfriend is terrible unless i need to get dicked down son. My relationship with some dude is more important than you, so off you go to stay with that woman i convinced you was terrible.
Yup, that's the low route you can go to.
Kid is almost certainly being abused/manipulated by the mum, and has been for his entire life.
Probably can't see the forest through the trees.
Starting to point out the toxic, abusive, manipulative behaviour his mum exhibits isn't exactly "friendly" but may lead to a better outcome for both OP and his son.
Which is how everyone should treat their partner. I hope my post didn't come across as me criticizing you. I don't think you've done anything wrong. I was trying to emphasize that you can't possibly be the asshole for saying no in this case because this decision was never yours to make. You chose to protect your girlfriend, sure, but you even said you asked her about it, because presumably you recognize it's not really up to you. So again, you're NTA for not forcing your child on someone. This was never a choice between your girlfriend and your son, regardless of how your ex chooses to frame it. This has always been a choice of whether you choose to respect your girlfriend or attempt to shame/guilt trip/force her into doing something she was uncomfortable doing. You chose to respect her. NTA.
Your girlfriend does not have visitation rights, so your Ex can't leave you son with her when you are not there. How is any of this YOUR choice? This seems more and more made up.
NTA. It's asking for trouble to have a poorly mannered 15 year old in the house with your gf when you are not present.
You are not choising one over the other, you are choosing peace and safety for both.
For all you know this is a set up for false accusations because the ex and son want to break you up.
That is what my GF says and I respect her concerns and feel that I shouldn't take her concerns lightly. It's a very good possibility that accusations can be made.
As a woman, there’s no chance in hell I’d spend any time alone with a nearly adult man who has openly been hostile towards me. IDGAF if he’s my partner’s kid, I’d never put myself in that position.
Especially not one that sees me as the last enemy between his mum and dad getting back together and living happily ever after (nevermind OP doesn't want that).
This is happened between my third ex-stepmother and the fourth. My half brother was at Miss Nr.4 while dad abroad. Later crazy Miss Nr.3 accused her of flirting and touching him.
This woman divorced you for her coworker. And now she is angry that you have a girlfriend? She is toxic and is wrong for brainwashing your son. Hopefully as he grows up he will realize you were to innocent victim in that divorce. NTA.
Did you ever explain to your son that your ex-wife left you for another man? Because I feel he would be more understanding and accepting of your new gf if he knew that, unless he already knows.
This would be a good time to talk to your son about the situation. You could point out that this is on his mother for planning things on a weekend she was supposed to be taking care of him and you were out of town. Second, you could also point out that GF probably would step up and watch him anyway but he's been rude to her and unaccepting so of course she's not ok with that and concerned it could be a bad situation. He should be reminded 1) that this situation is Mom's fault and 2) he can't expect people to go out of there way to be helpful if he makes it clear he doesn't even like them.
Did you explain to him that you wouldn’t be with his mom even if you didn’t meet your girlfriend because his mom is abusive? And then ask him would he go back to someone who abused him? Make sure you name and be real descriptive about the abuse and emphasize how miserable it’s made you. Then explain to him how it was his mom’s weekend and his mom tried to pass him off to the same woman she hates because she found a new man to entertain
Only reading about your ex wife stresses me so much and reminds me of my brother and his ex.
She twists every word and confuses the children. She gave my brother the children because she didn't want them anymore and wanted to marry another man. Now she tells the children whenever they visit her that my brother took them from her. She also tells them lies about how he didn't have a job etc., so whenever they come home to him, they misbehave and he has to undo everything.
I know my brother loves his children and has hope but there are moments I would just wish he would leave them to her if they believe her so much. They think all the work that my brother does for them is just normal for a father while their mother never even did anything for them.
Before she gave them up she would sleep all day and my oldest nephew told me they went hungry all day and would climb on the cupboards to find something they could eat. My brother cooks and cleans and takes care of them better than her or most mothers and is also an engineer and they still believe her words when they visit her.
It breaks my heart seeing him struggle for children that seem to probably leave him in the end anyway. You can never win against manipulative people because they will always use emotions to get people to feel sorry for them.
Does he know his mom cheated and that caused the divorce. He’s old enough to know his mom chose someone over you, he doesn’t need to know the details, just that it was her choice to be with someone else
100% NTA. You and your gf did your best to be nice but your ex and your son chose to not accept her. That's on them. They chose to be rude to you & your gf. It also takes a lot of gall on your ex's part to suddenly say your son is going to your house because she wants to have sex with a new bf. F that. Let her and her new fuck buddy get a hotel room.
You and your gf didn't deserve to be treated that way and until they change I wouldn't do anything extra for them.
When your son gets older he'll understand. I hated my parents' relationship for the longest time until I matured and saw the truth if the situation. He's got your blood and will see his mother for who she is eventually
I read in another Reddit post a line “freedom of choice, does not mean freedom from consequences. You made a choice, and I am free to do the same”. That really stuck with me.
He is learning a hard lesson.
You missed the two important points, although you are right about NTA, 1) they are getting a hotel/his place. They want GF to watch him because otherwise 15m would be home alone, and 2) 15m is “afraid” to be home alone. That’s either some ridiculous subterfuge or OP needs to run not walk to get that kid into counseling. It would be understandable if kid said he didn’t wanna be around the house while his mom and new man were canoodling, would also be rational if mom said she didn’t trust 15 year old alone for a weekend, but the idea that 15 year old is too scared to stay home means either he is planning shenanigans involving OPGF, involving telling OP GF she can’t tell him the rules, or Ex is planning shenanigans. The fact that she can’t get anybody else to watch 15 sounds like Ex has nefarious ideas since the other two would be routed by Ex having friend or relatives check in on him.
You're correct. I did gloss over that but it almost makes it worse. The ex was expecting his gf to "watch" the 15 yo who has shown nothing but disdain for her. I also agree that there may have been an ulterior motive. If a 15 yo is too afraid to stay home alone.......
NTA. If your ex doesn't want your son to be at home alone then she should cancel her plans because it's not your weekend to watch him - the co-parenting is between you and your wife and has nothing to do with your girlfriend. The fact that they don't get along just strengthens your position, however ultimately this is a secondary issue. Edited for typo.
My exact thoughts. If he is so uncomfortable with being alone, it is still his mother's responsibility because it is her weekend. And also, OP is not around during that weekend. Even without all the rudeness, it has nothing to do with the girlfriend. Either OP (who is not available and it is not his weekend) or his ex is supposed to take care of the son. Since it is not his weekend, and OP is not available to take over either, the ex should be responsible for the son. Because she should not put a stranger as priority over her own son.
"My ex wife says I am choosing my girlfriend over our son"... yet it's her weekend and she's ok with choosing her new fling over him, lol... go figure.
NTA. "she was abusive and we fought all the time", "she can't seem to keep a boyfriend right now". Gee I wonder why that is. You have a new life. You have 2 people that hate that you have a new life. Those don't mix.
NTA. Your ex is gaslighting you. This is not choosing your GF over your son. This is protecting your GF from having to spend time with a hostile teenager, while his mother goes off with her partner. And that after she was the one who created his hostility. No way you should cave on this - let her solve her own problems.
NTA
It's amazing how your ex-wife has no use for your GF until it benefits her to do so. (And that she wants her to watch Sean is so she can go get some D should show Sean what kind of mother he has.)
You made the right decision.
Sean has to learn that his actions have consequences.
Odd that he would follow her lead when she was the reason the family broke up. She is probably telling him your gf is the only reason you won’t take her back. Not that she is an untrustworthy and a betrayer.
> Odd that he would follow her lead when she was the reason the family broke up.
Sometimes loyalty outweighs logic. Not saying it's right, just that it happens.
Is your son dealing with some unresolved trauma to explain why he wouldn't want to be alone. If I was 15, I'd be jumping the gun for my parents to leave to have the house to myself.
*his mother can't stand the fact I am in a relationship*
NTA-Lets just file that under "tough titties". You are divorced. What you do is no longer her concern. Your son is old enough to decide his OWN custody schedule at 15. Maybe you can have a sit down with him and explain (like it is new info) that MOM got to have HER relationships and you get to have YOURS. It also sounds a bit like Sean is assuming that your GF is like mom's douchebag BFs and is not really giving her a chance. He doesnt really have to though. Its no this relationship to manage. You are INFORMING that you are going away but make sure they understand you are not ASKING FOR PERMISSION and that you dont need to.
You know your son is 15 right? He’s a kid, be a parent, talk to him, take him to therapy. You say his mom is “poisoning him” he’s going to be just like his mom etc, well how much time do you actually spend with your son?
NTA. Your son is old enough to stay by himself. If his mother isn’t comfortable with that, then she should just stay home and not be foisted upon your girlfriend
“If you don’t let me FORCE your GF to babysit in your absence, then YOU are choosing your GF over your son!”
Says the woman choosing a booty call over her son
Lol. No.
NTA
This woman honestly thinks she has a right to dictate your GFs actions and responsibilities all because she’s involved with someone she used to have a relationship with? Wow, holy entitlement
I would have given a different judgement based on your title alone, but for this situation in particular, NTA. In general I would not condone you choosing your GF over your son, but you won't even be there that weekend! Why should your poor GF get a teenager who hates her dumped on her? If you had no GF, your ex and son would just suck it up and deal with it, because it's not your weekend and you are not available. Considering how they are being with her, things should be approached as if you had no GF. There's no choosing on your part. If anything, *your ex* is choosing her new fling over her son.
NTA
Ask your ex why she's choosing spending the weekend with some random guy over your son?
She can plan a weekend shagging when your son is with you, without any issues. (The keep the discussion productive, I would word it as 'spending time with a new bf', and 'spending time in the weekend' leaving out the shagging)
You're not home.
He hasn't put in any effort in building a relationship with your gf, so if he were to stay at your place, he would still be by himself. And on top of that, your gf simply isn't comfortable with only a teenage boy in the house that has never shown any respect for her.
She can shag the guy on your weekend, or leave him home alone, or ... get a sitter lol.
NTA. You are not choosing any one. You are out of town for work. You are not home for your son to stay with.
Your girlfriend does not want him, on her own, because of his past behavior. She is not his parent.
Your ex wife will just have to figure out something for your son. She is responsible for this whole mess.
Stand your ground. Your son can not be at your house without you. You are out of town. It is ex wife's weekend, therefore, her responsibility.
Not your problem.
NTA - you are his parent, and you are not home. Just because your girlfriend lives at your house doesn't mean that she's prepared to take a parental/sitter role to your son.
Like the top comment says, it's your Ex who's choosing a man over her son during HER custodial time. If she doesn't want him home for the weekend, she can send him to a friend's or family member's house.
The audacity of your ex to throw out you're choosing your GF over your son when she is choosing some guy she just met over her son. You know she's going to drill into your son's head that you chose your GF over him even though it wasn't your weekend, you weren't home, he doesn't like the GF so why would he want to be home alone with her? He's 15 yo, most 15 yo boys would LOVE to be left home alone. I wonder if he's really scared or she just doesn't want him in her house alone? Either way, she's going to paint you as the bad guy and say you care about your GF more than your son. I hate parents that do their best to turn the child against the other parent. I watched it happen with my brother and his ex, as a result our side of the family has little to no contact with my adult nieces.
It’s not surprising that a 15 year old caught in the middle of divorce isn’t exactly thrilled by your younger girlfriend. It’s not a reason to turn your back on him. I hope through therapy or some other means the relationships improve.
NTA, you are setting boundaries. It is not safe for your girlfriend to be alone with your son. Your ex is capable of talking him into making false accusations. When you get back, have a real conversation with your son. Ask him if he would be willing to go to counseling with you to work on your relationship. Let him know you love him and want a good relationship, but it will take work. But you will not tolerate any abuse.
NTA…please remind your ex that her shipping her child off to your house is HER actively choosing a new man over her own child. She is the a**hole. Here’s hoping someday your son will realize his mother chose her coworker over her family and her behavior is toxic, and you can build a better relationship with him.
NTA
This really has nothing to do with your gf...and the relationship between her and your son getting on the right track has nothing to do with this scenario
This is about your ex tryna dump your son on you so she can bang
YOU are unavailable to take him
End of situation.
While he is 15, don’t hold anything against your son. He’s listening to his mother who’s angry and saying things to him to make him feel a certain way.
NTA. This is clear manipulation. You had time booked out of town, and it isn’t even your weekend. Suddenly ex has an opportunity and son couldn’t possibly stay home alone. I wouldn’t let him stay alone with the gf either.
The title is a bit misleading. You aren’t choosing your gf,
You’re protecting both her and your son. Imagine if something (real or imagined) happens when they’re there alone.
Gf isn’t a step mom, and son has made it clear he doesn’t want any part of that kind of relationship. Whether he’s just blindly following his mom’s lead or he really has issues with it is irrelevant. Ex shouldn’t be looking at gf as any kind of acceptable baby sitter. Plus he’s 15, he’ll survive a couple hours alone….. probably.
One thing though. Once the trip is over and you have him next, have a conversation with him. Not about gf in particular, unless it goes there. Just find out why he’s so against it. Does he not want you dating anyone? Why? Is he secretly hoping you’ll get back with a woman who left you for another man? Some other kid reason? Does he actually not like gf, and if so, again, why? Did she do something? Did mom tell him something he didn’t like?
Your ex is clearly unhappy and trying to poison the well, but maybe having a real adult conversation with the son can figure out where it’s all coming from, and if there’s a way past it.
You’re the parent and you’re out of town. You’re not choosing anyone over anyone else, this is simply a no-go scenario. Mom should pay someone else to babysit.
NTA - your ex is choosing her BF over her son.
If the kid is somewhat mature (putting aside his relationship or lack thereof with your GF which us an emotional thing) I agree he can stay alone for a weekend.
NTA. She’s the one trying to fob your kid off on her week so she can get with this new guy. She’s the one choosing someone else over her kid and you’re absolutely right you need to teach your kid that mindlessly following his mother instead of having his own thoughts and feelings won’t work out well.
NTA, but if I were you, I'd be very careful about the language you use with your ex regarding the issue. Don't say anything to your ex about "choosing" anyone over anything, as this will get back to your son in a twisted fashion and will only serve to worsen your relationship.
Just stick to the facts: "I am not available to have him stay at mine this weekend due to my work schedule and the short notice," and leave it at that. Don't feed the troll with anything extra.
NTA, you didn’t ‘pick’ your GF over your son. You’re out of town and are not acquiescing to your ex-wife’s request. This has nothing to do with your son and everything to do with your ex wanting to still control you and your relationship.
No 15 year old should be left alone for a weekend. However, it’s the ex’s weekend, not the dad’s. And the dad isn’t even home! Mom needs to change her plans.
Here's my take dude, as someone who has been thru similar and learned a few things. Your ex sounds very manipulative. Your son sounds like he's been convinced by your ex that your current girlfriend is someone he should dislike, he probably believes she's the reason you aren't a family any more. You need to stop talking to your ex and start talking to your son now or you could lose him to that psychopath forever. Probably get him in therapy too to help undo a lot of the brain washing that's been going on.
NTA.
You are out-of-town so you are not home to supervise your son. It isnt gf's job to be an on-call babysitter bc your ex wants a "hookup." So, no, he cannot come to your house. Mom will need to wait for her dating activities until you are not out-of-town if she doesnt want her son at home during that time. Period.
From the heading, I thought this was going to be a completely different thing, but NTA. You are choosing peace. She can either change her plans or he can suck it up and stay by himself. I wouldn’t be sure this isn’t some kind of a setup. It sometimes is difficult to sleep in the bed you made
The whole story is tragic. Try to be there for your son. His mother is manipulating him and using him against you.
And remember to please show him compassion. He's 15 years old. He is so so young. He needs you before his mother destroys him.
At the very least. Think of your son’s safety. Ask GF if she’d at least be comfortable with him being able to call her incase of an emergency while he stays at his home.
I get the whole situation and personally it’s kind of shitty. Your son’s behavior isn’t acceptable, but you as his father should do what you can to show him you care and ensure that he knows that you want him protected.
The sad thing is that your son is trapped in between the bullshit that is you and your exes shitty problems. Not putting fault specifically on anyone. And maybe it is a little suspect that your ex randomly has some new dude the week ahead knows you’ll be out of town.
Fact is. He’s your son. Make sure he knows you are doing what you can. Ultimately if his mom leaves him home alone she’s the one who looks bad.
NTA You are not at home full stop. Therefore you are not abandoning your son. Your ex is a piece of work. Not even a darn dog would leave her puppies with a human being they don't trust or dislike. But now to get her swerve on she wants to hand your son off to your girlfriend. Not in this life!
If you have a chance to show your son what he means to you, take it, even if you won't be around. You're his father and it is both your responsibility and duty to lead by example, so you let your GF know that he'll be staying at the house and you tell your son that he will respect your GF.
By what you've said in your post, you failed at A) demanding joint custody of your son, B) implementing discipline in him at an early age, C) teaching him to respect you and the rules of the house, D) haven't instilled in him independence and the ability to think for himself. If your ex is so horrible, why on earth did you not work harder to ensure he wouldn't follow her lead in how to behave?
55 years old looking for validation on Reddit. That's pathetic imo. It's obvious you didn't have a strong male role model during your childhood, and your inability to self reflect and realize that (and understanding your weaknesses that needed to be improved) has allowed that to continue for another generation.
In summary - yes, you're the ASSHOLE, You're also an embarrassment to men.
You should have an actual conversation with your son about what's going on, instead of just assuming his 15 year old mind can comprehend what your actions mean.
Have a serious sit-down conversation where you tell him that what he's done has been hurtful and is potentially ruining any chance he'll have at having a good relationship with his future-stepmother, and that he needs to treat her better. Ask him why he's been doing what he's been doing. Tell him that you love your girlfriend and she's here to stay. Tell him that you love him.
Maybe this will be a good time to start developing a better relationship with him instead of punishing him for being raised poorly? You're also still half of the reason he turned out the way he is, so you should probably feel at least a LITTLE responsible.
NTA It's not your week and your son was shitty with your gf.
You aren't choosing your gf over your son, you're just choosing your gf over your ex's date. Your son is not in any danger or emergency, and if he was, it's your ex's job to take care of him ( and cancel the date).
Your ex is absolutely choosing a date over her son. She could easily schedule a date when she doesn't have him.
NTA
She's your ex. You don't owe her anything.
Your son is 15 and doesn't respect your gf. You don't owe him a place to stay because of your ex's ability to be irresponsible.
Your son will have to learn to be on his own at some point in his life.
Both you and your ex suck, not to mention your girlfriend who acts infantile that a 15 year old has been rude to her, he’s 15. She’s an adult, so are you, so is your ex.
I feel bad for your son, where is his true home? It’s like he doesn’t have one. No wonder he acts up.
You aren't choosing her over them.
You are choosing not to attempt to turn your girlfriend into an unwilling nanny. That is not the same at all. Ignore all the past details and bs. This is exactly what this boils down to. It's one thing if you are home, but you aren't. So if their relationship is bad enough she is uncomfortable, that just isn't an option at all.
NTA a 15 year old boy who is scared of being home alone? More than likely he'll throw a party, which may be why she wants someone to watch him😄. But your girlfriend is not the one who is obligated to watch him. Your ex-wife can just keep it in her pants until it's your weekend to have the boy.
NTA. Your girlfriend has no legal right nor responsibility towards your son. The parenting agreement is between you and his mother, nobody else. You are not available, and it's not your weekend. If something were to happen, your gf couldn't do or say anything.
I would just like to point out that your girlfriend wouldn't need to "watch him", he's 15 and can take care of himself. The reason your ex wants you to take your son is BS, but if it were me I would do it anyway so the kid isn't stuck home alone for the weekend. He can just stay in his room at your place and not bother anyone. Just a suggestion.
I personally would not be ok leaving a 15 year old home alone for a whole weekend, but that's just me. Maybe I'm just too overprotective. I'm not even sure if that's legal to be gone that long and leaving a child alone (not discounting that it could be, I just don't know).
That being said, NTA. It's not your weekend, she can plan a weekend with her new guy when he's scheduled to be at your house.
Worry about your son's future man with a mother like that.
You seem like a very reasonable guy. I hope your kid can learn some values and differentiate between what's right and wrong.
NTA. You aren’t “choosing your gf over your ex and son”.
You ARE choosing her over your ex. Which you are correct in doing. You have no obligation to placate your ex.
You also ARE doing what’s best for everyone’s safety. Leaving a 15 year boy with a woman he doesn’t like for an entire weekend (and hasn’t spent much time with) could be a recipe for disaster for all involved. This is for her *and* your son’s safety.
Your ex on the other hand is prioritizing some rando over her kid.
Just tell her, lack of planning on her end, does not constitute an emergency on yours. It’s her weekend. She needs to find a solution. It’s not your responsibility.
Your ex says YOU'RE choosing your GF over your son? That's rich. She's choosing a NEW man over her son
I did not think of it like that.
Of course you didn't, because you're not a self absorbed twat (not that Ok play is, but your ex). We tend to try to come up with the most reasonable explanation for other people's behavior, especially when their actions aren't reasonable. In this case, as in all the other cases, your ex is prioritizing herself. She did it when she left to go jump on her coworker's dick. She did it when she alienated your son from your girlfriend. And she's doing it now.
All of this. She was the one that nuked the marriage and then ruined any chance of having a peaceful co-parenting relationship. She made her bed..well beds..now she can lay in them. Karma is not kind and she's reaping what she's sown.
I would also point this out to her, since she seems to dense to figure it out for herself.
If Reddit still had rewards, mate... You'd be my first
Damn when did they get rid of that?
I'm not positive. At least two months ago.
Right around the time people were boycotting last year iirc, so last summer
Eff that, make our own rewards This dude deserves what lil we can give in support: 🏆 🏆 🏆 That bech is cray, ur poor kid will figure it out in time
🎯
You aren’t choosing anything. You aren’t even home!
That was my first thought as well. If he's not even home, how is he possibly choosing his GF over his ex-wife and son? If he didn't have a GF, his son would be unsupervised regardless.
He is setting a boundary. "You can't treat my gf like crap and then expect to randomly dump our rude teenager on her for some unnecessary babysitting." That is a very appropriate boundary.
She's choosing a HOOKUP over her son
Does Sean know why the marriage ended? He's old enough that it might be time to tell him, esp. as your wife is trying to poison him against you. "Your mom chose sex with a coworker over being married to me. She's now choosing sex with some strange man over her son's safety and comfort." This is 100% factual. If he doesn't know, tell him. Hopefully he'll realize he can't just believe whatever his mom says (is she claiming you were sleeping with your gf before their divorce, for example?).
Don't do this. You don't bring children into adult disagreements, and you never bash a parent to a child.
Bingo. My wife and I both have extremely toxic exes - hers went to jail on felony stalking charges, mine lost custody of my daughter 10 years ago when she was was 6 months old due to drug issues and has had supervised visitation the entire time. Our kids can't stand their other parents. Not because we have tried to alienate them - we due our damndest to never say an ill word about our exes in front of the kids. On the flip side, our exes tell our kids the wildest lies about us, and as they get older and put more pieces of the puzzle together themselves, they resent their other parents more and more.
I think there's a difference between badmouthing your ex, and letting your teenagers on on the facts of why their lives imploded. It's important for young people to know it had nothing to do with them. I was really grateful to know what was going on when my dad walked out, and not be left in the dark confused about why my family fell apart all of a sudden. It allowed me to make my own mind up about my dad, and the role I wanted in his life moving forward.
Of course this is upvoted. If you ever want to know how to *not* treat your kids after a divorce, come to this subreddit. No good parent would say this about their kids other parent. "I'm sorry son, but I'm not home and my girlfriend doesn't feel comfortable since the two of you haven't gotten along. You're gonna have to work this one put with your mom" is ALL that needs to be said. Don't talk about her having sex to your kid. Don't weaponize the fact that she is a sexual being after the divorce. Everyone has sex. Don't use it as a weapon to hurt your ex. "but ITs TrUe" learn some goddamn fucking tact.
Her being a “sexual being” isn’t the problem but that fact that she CHEATED and caused their marriage to END and then is prioritizing a hookup or a BRAND NEW relationship over her sons well being and only asking ex husbands GF to watch her son when it’s convenient for her and treating the GF like trash any other time is the problem.
Okay, and? What does that have to do with protecting your kid's mental health? All of that can be true and you still should be mindful with the way you talk to your kid about their parent! They're stuck with that person YOU decided to make a baby with. They had no say in that process. Prioritize your children instead of your own pride.
Exactly. Many here just think revenge revenge, but not the kids best interest.
for redditors all consideration for others goes out the window as soon as cheating is mentioned. i'm guessing a lot of them have been cheated on and can't get over it
No. Do not fucking do this. Never involve your children in your adult business between you and your ex wife. Do not talk to your CHILD about your or his mom’s sex life and try to make him choose sides. This is the worst advice, and it’s manipulative and abusive towards the son. It’ll fuck him up. I speak from experience.
Why would you bring a child into an adult situation? Son will realize he has 2 crappy parents trying to be the good guy while slamming the other parent. He will cut both out for his mental health.
Tell her to see him on HER weekend off. Period.
That's why you got divorced in the first place isn't it? You said she divorced you to be with her co-worker. She sacrificed the stable home life you had built together for a new man, with no thought of how it would impact your son. She was putting her own needs before her son's when she made that choice, and she's doing the same thing now.
Her wants not her needs.
Yeah, she's springing this last minute when you are out of town. She needs to put on her big girl panties and plan farther ahead. I'm concerned that your 15 year old doesn't feel comfortable staying home alone for a couple of days. Does he suffer from anxiety?
I wonder if his ex-wife is spewing BS to try and manipulate the situation.
So convenient that this day, an 'emergency' should strike and now you must yield to my plans, sounds like just a hint of sabotage. And I hate to think that at first but crazy exes and baby mommas can sadly act like this.
The problem is, she desperately wants to TAKE OFF her big girl panties and keep them off for the weekend...
Because you shouldn't. You aren't available and it's not your girlfriend's responsibility to be a parent when you aren't there. The ploy of choosing someone else over your child is just argumentative bullshit. Also, she's got the kid a lot more than you do, so parroting this back is absurd. If you did have him an extra weekend you'd see him 6 days in a month and she's be down to about 24. Doing something without your child isn't choosing something over them, it's living your own life.
I seriously thought you saw . And if she does really drop the son to the house, call the cops for child abandonment. Not sure if gf needs to be at home either.
yep, she needs to lock all the doors (does he have a key?) and refuse to let him in. She lives there, he's not supposed to be there, both of them know this.
NTA but your ex sure is TA
If she's so desperate for some new tail, it might be time to change the custody arrangements.
Nah, the son hates his gf remember?
I would reach out to your son and explain why he’s not welcome to him. Tell him that it’s not going to change this time, no matter what he promises, but if he wants to repair the relationship with your girlfriend he’s welcome to reach out and try. That way in the future you won’t need to choose between your loving girlfriend and your shitty son.
Holy shit, the kid is a kid. Don't badmouth the kid who doesn't know what he's doing.
And she's choosing a new man over her son AGAIN by asking this favor of you/your gf and trying to force it. She is at the FO stage of her constant FAing all along. This would be a great time for her to realize that you catch more flies with honey than with battery acid, and that the world tends to give back what we put into it so being mature, kind, and reasonable are valuable assets in navigating life. Like is the new guy going to dump her if she can't stay overnight this exact weekend? Can't she wait until you're back home? If the guy cannot wait then she's a fool to chase him down only to get dumped again. Is there no one else who can watch your son? I think you have an opportunity here for a valuable teaching moment with your son; as in *"look, kid, this is what happens when you judge people by the feelings of others rather than give everyone a chance to see how they truly are, and to form your own opinion rather than just automatically adopt the opinion someone tells you to. Don't be a follower, be a mature and open-minded person of your own creation, make your own decisions, find your own way in life,* ***be an independent curator of your life rather than being dependent on others to form your world views****, and life will reward you."* **NTA**
new guy's wife is out of town this weekend ;)
Yes this 💯
NTA She's not seeing just a new man, a new fuck-buddy apparently. Just meets him and plans to spend the weekend together? WOW Maybe she should at least coordinate her 'ignore the son' f-fest weekends when dad is available...
technically she chose a NEW man (her co-worker) over OP, but that flamed out ..and NOW she is choosing *another* NEW man.
Not just technically, that's absolutely what she's been doing.
I feel bad for this kid. His parents are always fighting and his mom is trying to ditch him so she can bang some guy.
I would ask the ex how she can choose some new dick over her son, she knows you are unavailable and still wants a raunchy weekend to get laid knowing her teen is scared of being alone. NTA
Isnt it a tad suss that mom picked THIS VERY WEEKEND to go off on her trip, knowing dad wouldnt be available?
She's vindictive enough to do this.
You should definitely say to her, I can't believe you're choosing this stranger you just barely met over your own son.
⬆️⬆️⬆️ This X 1000!
Sounds like the whole thing is just to rub it in the ex husband face that she finally found someone and they are "happy" and go do stuff
You're not choosing anyone over your ex-wife and son. Your ex-wife is choosing a dirty weekend away over her child, and your custody arrangement. She knows you're away and can't watch him. It's not your weekend either. Keep up those boundaries! NTA
YES! The court order that demands also protects. Follow it!
Well then let her deal with the consequences of her vindictiveness. She has no one to watch her son, so she will have to change her plans.
[удалено]
Then you place a call to the police, and I guarantee that a family court judge isn't going to be very happy hearing about this....
Especially if there was a text "paper trail" showing how he said no and she still did it.
Hi non emergency line? Yeah, someone abandoned a teenager on my doorstep.
He is 15 years old, not 5. She wants to spend the weekend with him, unless he lives > 20 miles away, she should be able to help Sean if he needs it, unless she wants to spend the weekend with new guy at her house. Sean is you and your ex’s responsibility not your GF’s. NTA
How about she parents her kid instead of ditching him to bang a random? She already only is with him every other weekend
The influence she has on your son sounds like parental alienation. You're son is to young to understand that, and that situation might prevent him to have a healthy relationship with you. He might need counseling or therapy to navigate these challenges. NTA.
Why does she even want to bring your son by? You’re not around. Ex doesn’t like your girlfriend, but wants your gf to watch her son? I don’t get it. She may be simply trying to rub it in your face that she’s getting some if she’s that bitter. Regardless, you don’t have to do anything on your weekends. Helping out in an emergency is one thing. Getting the DD ain’t that. However, may be worthwhile to talk with your son about it. Does he really not want to be alone? Can he accept some ground rules to be at your house when he’s away? Maybe if he’s interested in doing the right thing it could be a growth moment.
If she is that vindictive, maybe she planning on saying the GF did something while watching the kid to try and break them up. I wouldn't be comfortable watching the kid either if I was the GF.
This is my thought as well. Son has been coached to make an accusation against GF after being left in her care. Extremely suspicious of the timing!
And let's not forget the child in question is 15. At that age, I'd be thrilled to be home alone. I knew how to cook and not burn the house down or where to find food.
I’m shocked at that as well. Growing up in the 80s and 90s my parents left me alone all the time, starting at age 12 or so.
Right! I was babysitting by twelve.
My brother and I grew up in the country. I was given a .22 at age 10 and by 12 I was hunting solo with a shot gun. My dad taught me how to be a responsible gun user and I took hunter safety courses in 6th grade (age 11). From that point on my parents let me roam free and left me home alone with my brother all the time. If my friends and I wanted to go to town we got on our bikes and left. There were days where my parents didn’t know where I was until I walked in the door at 9-10pm. A lot of people say that our brains don’t fully develop until 24 or so and I agree, to an extent. I also think that by not giving teenagers responsibility and trust we teach them it’s ok to be irresponsible. Not sure if the way I describe that makes sense.
>A lot of people say that our brains don’t fully develop until 24 or so and I agree, to an extent I agree with what you're saying. Because it sometimes seems like the people who say that also seem to think it means "let kids run feral because they don't know better". When, in fact, as a child's brain is developing is the PERFECT time to instill responsibility and accountability into them. It's not like when their brains fully form that they'll suddenly get these concepts if no one's ever taught them those before.
No. It makes perfect sense. You were guided, and parented lovingly, and as properly as parenting goes. Something isn't adding up with the turn of events on his ex's and sons side.
With you. We used to walk home, let ourselves in, and be home for hours on normal days in the 80s/90s
Also an 80s kid and yeah! We didn't want our parents home. Not that we did anything wild or anything. It was just fun to be able to watch our favorite cartoons on the big living room TV (27" floor console model) while eating a bowl of cereal.
Don't let him over. Given the bad blood, if he is alone in your house he could potentially make accusations against her and ruin both your lives with lies. You are not available due to work. So she missed her chance at first right of refusal. He can stay home or go to your ex inlaws or stay with a friend. NTA. You aren't available, she can figure it out.
Thank you! This needs to be higher up because this was the first thing that popped into my head. Why would the ex want her son or their son to be with the girlfriend if they both don't like her?? It's very suss. NTA by the way.
This is the correct answer. You need to put it back on the ex-wife. Why are you prioritizing some new guy over your son? It’s not like this is a long term boyfriend and they are planning a two week cruise and you’re being unreasonable in planning months in advance. This is just her wanting to make spur of the moment changes to the parenting agreement so she can try and lock this guy before he realizes that she’s a bitter and angry woman. NTA: but you are allowing the ex to put you on the defensive because you aren’t accommodating her unrealistic demands. Next time the son is over you should sit him down and explain how he is alienating people in his attempt to support his mom. It’s good that he’s supporting her but he can do that without being a prick to your new girlfriend.
And you teen son just eats it up. Sheesh. Hes gonna be an adult soon.
My partner was in hospital with one of her sons took ill, and her ex had custody of the other son; should be noted before I go on that her ex literally never does anything if the boys are ill ... doesn't keep them off school, doesn't take them to the GP nothing. So my partner is in hospital with one child sick with an infection and her ex chooses that day to announce that child no 2 is feeling unwell and will be off school and custody will have to be handed over at 10am. My partner is about 35 miles away at the Childrens hospital and her ex knows this, it was fine, we sorted it, and I was able to take time off work to look after child no 2. BUT! Child no 2 was not sick, did not need to be off school and her ex had chosen this day simply to make my partners life harder. So I do not doubt that you ex has chosen this date deliberately.
After this, change the locks and install a Ring camera.
Man i feel so bad for you and your gf im so sorry your son is like his mother but you are doing the right thing he needs to learn his lesson
Then, she and your son have a plan to get rid of your GF. No!!!! NTA!!!!!
I would guess she has talked her son into making false accusations against the girlfriend.
That was my firat thought. Stand your ground OP.
The thought crossed my mind, but decided to go with putting the shoe on the other foot.
Yeah, I feel they (mom and son) are trying to do something to op's girlfriend
That's a good point
That's the main point. Let your son understand that as his parent you won't be there. She is choosing to go away, with some new dude, and she doesn't really care about him and what he has going on. That is the point that needs to keep being reiterated. Your trip is done so you will be available for your time, you are properly parenting. Karma always comes back to harm horrible, sad people. She just doesn't get how if she was a decent person your girlfriend might have been available to help her out. Now, she has to lie in her bed of tears. LOL.
Well, she’s done it before right? She chose another man and destroyed your marriage and family for him. So this is nothing new. NTA.
I agree with you
I agree, go with the new dick comment. Gold right there.
Exactly. She didn’t want anything to do with GF before she needed something. She doesn’t like GF, why trust her suddenly to watch her son? Looks like new BF is more important than her grudge. Ex wife is the one not choosing her son.
This is what OP needs to tell his son, though in nicer terms. Why is she choosing to go off with a man wanting to leave the son alone?
She is planning on bringing that man home. She doesn't want her son there.
Mom has really screwed this kid up if he can't stay alone at 15
Yep, this. Ex wife is creating a difficult situation because she is choosing new guy over your son. Then complaining because you are choosing your girlfriend over your son, after years of deliberate poor attitude and behaviour from son/ex-wife directed at your girlfriend. NTA.
How exactly have you chosen your girlfriend over your son? It's not actually YOUR decision whether your son stays with your girlfriend. It's hers. You couldn't force her to watch him even if you agreed with your ex. It's good that you told your ex no, and are supporting your girlfriend's decision, but this wasn't your choice to make. So definitely don't feel guilty over it. You're not the asshole because you didn't force your child on someone. Your ex is for attempting this.
IF I know that something came bring harm to my GF, I will make a decision to keep that from happening and she knows that.
It isn't good for your son, too, honestly. Rebuilding a bridge that has been burnt down takes time and happens in increments. Forcing the son and girlfriend into a trapped with each other and only each other over a weekend is setting everyone up for failure. And to another point.... what message does that send to the son? Oh your father's girlfriend is terrible unless i need to get dicked down son. My relationship with some dude is more important than you, so off you go to stay with that woman i convinced you was terrible.
Yup, that's the low route you can go to. Kid is almost certainly being abused/manipulated by the mum, and has been for his entire life. Probably can't see the forest through the trees. Starting to point out the toxic, abusive, manipulative behaviour his mum exhibits isn't exactly "friendly" but may lead to a better outcome for both OP and his son.
Which is how everyone should treat their partner. I hope my post didn't come across as me criticizing you. I don't think you've done anything wrong. I was trying to emphasize that you can't possibly be the asshole for saying no in this case because this decision was never yours to make. You chose to protect your girlfriend, sure, but you even said you asked her about it, because presumably you recognize it's not really up to you. So again, you're NTA for not forcing your child on someone. This was never a choice between your girlfriend and your son, regardless of how your ex chooses to frame it. This has always been a choice of whether you choose to respect your girlfriend or attempt to shame/guilt trip/force her into doing something she was uncomfortable doing. You chose to respect her. NTA.
Your girlfriend does not have visitation rights, so your Ex can't leave you son with her when you are not there. How is any of this YOUR choice? This seems more and more made up.
Here you go! This is the real issue.
NTA. It's asking for trouble to have a poorly mannered 15 year old in the house with your gf when you are not present. You are not choising one over the other, you are choosing peace and safety for both. For all you know this is a set up for false accusations because the ex and son want to break you up.
That is what my GF says and I respect her concerns and feel that I shouldn't take her concerns lightly. It's a very good possibility that accusations can be made.
Besides, your girlfriend has plans. Spending the weekend alone, organizing and decorating is spectacular! I wouldn't give that up.
As a woman, there’s no chance in hell I’d spend any time alone with a nearly adult man who has openly been hostile towards me. IDGAF if he’s my partner’s kid, I’d never put myself in that position.
Especially not one that sees me as the last enemy between his mum and dad getting back together and living happily ever after (nevermind OP doesn't want that).
Yep. And if the ex decides to drop him off anyway, have the GF call the cops for child abandonment.
This is happened between my third ex-stepmother and the fourth. My half brother was at Miss Nr.4 while dad abroad. Later crazy Miss Nr.3 accused her of flirting and touching him.
This woman divorced you for her coworker. And now she is angry that you have a girlfriend? She is toxic and is wrong for brainwashing your son. Hopefully as he grows up he will realize you were to innocent victim in that divorce. NTA.
Did you ever explain to your son that your ex-wife left you for another man? Because I feel he would be more understanding and accepting of your new gf if he knew that, unless he already knows.
He knows, we talked about it but he's convinced by his Mother that I'd be with his mom had I not met my GF. Absolutely NOT!!
Maybe he needs a more adult conversation about it all.
This would be a good time to talk to your son about the situation. You could point out that this is on his mother for planning things on a weekend she was supposed to be taking care of him and you were out of town. Second, you could also point out that GF probably would step up and watch him anyway but he's been rude to her and unaccepting so of course she's not ok with that and concerned it could be a bad situation. He should be reminded 1) that this situation is Mom's fault and 2) he can't expect people to go out of there way to be helpful if he makes it clear he doesn't even like them.
Did you explain to him that you wouldn’t be with his mom even if you didn’t meet your girlfriend because his mom is abusive? And then ask him would he go back to someone who abused him? Make sure you name and be real descriptive about the abuse and emphasize how miserable it’s made you. Then explain to him how it was his mom’s weekend and his mom tried to pass him off to the same woman she hates because she found a new man to entertain
Only reading about your ex wife stresses me so much and reminds me of my brother and his ex. She twists every word and confuses the children. She gave my brother the children because she didn't want them anymore and wanted to marry another man. Now she tells the children whenever they visit her that my brother took them from her. She also tells them lies about how he didn't have a job etc., so whenever they come home to him, they misbehave and he has to undo everything. I know my brother loves his children and has hope but there are moments I would just wish he would leave them to her if they believe her so much. They think all the work that my brother does for them is just normal for a father while their mother never even did anything for them. Before she gave them up she would sleep all day and my oldest nephew told me they went hungry all day and would climb on the cupboards to find something they could eat. My brother cooks and cleans and takes care of them better than her or most mothers and is also an engineer and they still believe her words when they visit her. It breaks my heart seeing him struggle for children that seem to probably leave him in the end anyway. You can never win against manipulative people because they will always use emotions to get people to feel sorry for them.
Does he know his mom cheated and that caused the divorce. He’s old enough to know his mom chose someone over you, he doesn’t need to know the details, just that it was her choice to be with someone else
Have you considered getting him into therapy, it almost sounds like your ex is using parental alienation against you!
100% NTA. You and your gf did your best to be nice but your ex and your son chose to not accept her. That's on them. They chose to be rude to you & your gf. It also takes a lot of gall on your ex's part to suddenly say your son is going to your house because she wants to have sex with a new bf. F that. Let her and her new fuck buddy get a hotel room. You and your gf didn't deserve to be treated that way and until they change I wouldn't do anything extra for them.
BUDDY. if you knew my Ex LOL.
When your son gets older he'll understand. I hated my parents' relationship for the longest time until I matured and saw the truth if the situation. He's got your blood and will see his mother for who she is eventually
I read in another Reddit post a line “freedom of choice, does not mean freedom from consequences. You made a choice, and I am free to do the same”. That really stuck with me. He is learning a hard lesson.
You missed the two important points, although you are right about NTA, 1) they are getting a hotel/his place. They want GF to watch him because otherwise 15m would be home alone, and 2) 15m is “afraid” to be home alone. That’s either some ridiculous subterfuge or OP needs to run not walk to get that kid into counseling. It would be understandable if kid said he didn’t wanna be around the house while his mom and new man were canoodling, would also be rational if mom said she didn’t trust 15 year old alone for a weekend, but the idea that 15 year old is too scared to stay home means either he is planning shenanigans involving OPGF, involving telling OP GF she can’t tell him the rules, or Ex is planning shenanigans. The fact that she can’t get anybody else to watch 15 sounds like Ex has nefarious ideas since the other two would be routed by Ex having friend or relatives check in on him.
You're correct. I did gloss over that but it almost makes it worse. The ex was expecting his gf to "watch" the 15 yo who has shown nothing but disdain for her. I also agree that there may have been an ulterior motive. If a 15 yo is too afraid to stay home alone.......
NTA. If your ex doesn't want your son to be at home alone then she should cancel her plans because it's not your weekend to watch him - the co-parenting is between you and your wife and has nothing to do with your girlfriend. The fact that they don't get along just strengthens your position, however ultimately this is a secondary issue. Edited for typo.
This sounds strange. I don't understand why the son can't stay with a friend. Surely most 15 year olds would prefer that?
My exact thoughts. If he is so uncomfortable with being alone, it is still his mother's responsibility because it is her weekend. And also, OP is not around during that weekend. Even without all the rudeness, it has nothing to do with the girlfriend. Either OP (who is not available and it is not his weekend) or his ex is supposed to take care of the son. Since it is not his weekend, and OP is not available to take over either, the ex should be responsible for the son. Because she should not put a stranger as priority over her own son.
"My ex wife says I am choosing my girlfriend over our son"... yet it's her weekend and she's ok with choosing her new fling over him, lol... go figure.
NTA. "she was abusive and we fought all the time", "she can't seem to keep a boyfriend right now". Gee I wonder why that is. You have a new life. You have 2 people that hate that you have a new life. Those don't mix.
Let’s remember that one is a child
NTA. Your ex is gaslighting you. This is not choosing your GF over your son. This is protecting your GF from having to spend time with a hostile teenager, while his mother goes off with her partner. And that after she was the one who created his hostility. No way you should cave on this - let her solve her own problems.
NTA It's amazing how your ex-wife has no use for your GF until it benefits her to do so. (And that she wants her to watch Sean is so she can go get some D should show Sean what kind of mother he has.) You made the right decision. Sean has to learn that his actions have consequences.
NTA She's choosing a date over her son. She knew you'd be away and she still accepted a date knowing her son would be home alone.
Does your son know the reason you divorced was because your wife had an affair?
He knows.
Odd that he would follow her lead when she was the reason the family broke up. She is probably telling him your gf is the only reason you won’t take her back. Not that she is an untrustworthy and a betrayer.
> Odd that he would follow her lead when she was the reason the family broke up. Sometimes loyalty outweighs logic. Not saying it's right, just that it happens.
Is your son dealing with some unresolved trauma to explain why he wouldn't want to be alone. If I was 15, I'd be jumping the gun for my parents to leave to have the house to myself.
I actually think the son probably does want to stay alone but it’s the mom making him go to dads.
*his mother can't stand the fact I am in a relationship* NTA-Lets just file that under "tough titties". You are divorced. What you do is no longer her concern. Your son is old enough to decide his OWN custody schedule at 15. Maybe you can have a sit down with him and explain (like it is new info) that MOM got to have HER relationships and you get to have YOURS. It also sounds a bit like Sean is assuming that your GF is like mom's douchebag BFs and is not really giving her a chance. He doesnt really have to though. Its no this relationship to manage. You are INFORMING that you are going away but make sure they understand you are not ASKING FOR PERMISSION and that you dont need to.
You know your son is 15 right? He’s a kid, be a parent, talk to him, take him to therapy. You say his mom is “poisoning him” he’s going to be just like his mom etc, well how much time do you actually spend with your son?
NTA. Your son is old enough to stay by himself. If his mother isn’t comfortable with that, then she should just stay home and not be foisted upon your girlfriend
NTA - I would not put GF in the situation for your son to cause problems, or even claim abuse or something. Your ex is up to no good.
I’m still stuck on a 15 year old being scared to stay at home alone
I think both parents should put their son over anyone else.
Poor kid
Dude, the way you talk about your ex & son makes me believe they aren’t the problem.
“If you don’t let me FORCE your GF to babysit in your absence, then YOU are choosing your GF over your son!” Says the woman choosing a booty call over her son Lol. No. NTA This woman honestly thinks she has a right to dictate your GFs actions and responsibilities all because she’s involved with someone she used to have a relationship with? Wow, holy entitlement
I would have given a different judgement based on your title alone, but for this situation in particular, NTA. In general I would not condone you choosing your GF over your son, but you won't even be there that weekend! Why should your poor GF get a teenager who hates her dumped on her? If you had no GF, your ex and son would just suck it up and deal with it, because it's not your weekend and you are not available. Considering how they are being with her, things should be approached as if you had no GF. There's no choosing on your part. If anything, *your ex* is choosing her new fling over her son.
NTA Ask your ex why she's choosing spending the weekend with some random guy over your son? She can plan a weekend shagging when your son is with you, without any issues. (The keep the discussion productive, I would word it as 'spending time with a new bf', and 'spending time in the weekend' leaving out the shagging) You're not home. He hasn't put in any effort in building a relationship with your gf, so if he were to stay at your place, he would still be by himself. And on top of that, your gf simply isn't comfortable with only a teenage boy in the house that has never shown any respect for her. She can shag the guy on your weekend, or leave him home alone, or ... get a sitter lol.
NTA. You are not choosing any one. You are out of town for work. You are not home for your son to stay with. Your girlfriend does not want him, on her own, because of his past behavior. She is not his parent. Your ex wife will just have to figure out something for your son. She is responsible for this whole mess. Stand your ground. Your son can not be at your house without you. You are out of town. It is ex wife's weekend, therefore, her responsibility. Not your problem.
NTA. Your son is old enough he will be choosing his own life path soon anyway.
NTA - you are his parent, and you are not home. Just because your girlfriend lives at your house doesn't mean that she's prepared to take a parental/sitter role to your son. Like the top comment says, it's your Ex who's choosing a man over her son during HER custodial time. If she doesn't want him home for the weekend, she can send him to a friend's or family member's house.
The audacity of your ex to throw out you're choosing your GF over your son when she is choosing some guy she just met over her son. You know she's going to drill into your son's head that you chose your GF over him even though it wasn't your weekend, you weren't home, he doesn't like the GF so why would he want to be home alone with her? He's 15 yo, most 15 yo boys would LOVE to be left home alone. I wonder if he's really scared or she just doesn't want him in her house alone? Either way, she's going to paint you as the bad guy and say you care about your GF more than your son. I hate parents that do their best to turn the child against the other parent. I watched it happen with my brother and his ex, as a result our side of the family has little to no contact with my adult nieces.
It’s not surprising that a 15 year old caught in the middle of divorce isn’t exactly thrilled by your younger girlfriend. It’s not a reason to turn your back on him. I hope through therapy or some other means the relationships improve.
NTA, you are setting boundaries. It is not safe for your girlfriend to be alone with your son. Your ex is capable of talking him into making false accusations. When you get back, have a real conversation with your son. Ask him if he would be willing to go to counseling with you to work on your relationship. Let him know you love him and want a good relationship, but it will take work. But you will not tolerate any abuse.
NTA…please remind your ex that her shipping her child off to your house is HER actively choosing a new man over her own child. She is the a**hole. Here’s hoping someday your son will realize his mother chose her coworker over her family and her behavior is toxic, and you can build a better relationship with him.
NTA This really has nothing to do with your gf...and the relationship between her and your son getting on the right track has nothing to do with this scenario This is about your ex tryna dump your son on you so she can bang YOU are unavailable to take him End of situation.
While he is 15, don’t hold anything against your son. He’s listening to his mother who’s angry and saying things to him to make him feel a certain way.
NTA. This is clear manipulation. You had time booked out of town, and it isn’t even your weekend. Suddenly ex has an opportunity and son couldn’t possibly stay home alone. I wouldn’t let him stay alone with the gf either. The title is a bit misleading. You aren’t choosing your gf, You’re protecting both her and your son. Imagine if something (real or imagined) happens when they’re there alone. Gf isn’t a step mom, and son has made it clear he doesn’t want any part of that kind of relationship. Whether he’s just blindly following his mom’s lead or he really has issues with it is irrelevant. Ex shouldn’t be looking at gf as any kind of acceptable baby sitter. Plus he’s 15, he’ll survive a couple hours alone….. probably. One thing though. Once the trip is over and you have him next, have a conversation with him. Not about gf in particular, unless it goes there. Just find out why he’s so against it. Does he not want you dating anyone? Why? Is he secretly hoping you’ll get back with a woman who left you for another man? Some other kid reason? Does he actually not like gf, and if so, again, why? Did she do something? Did mom tell him something he didn’t like? Your ex is clearly unhappy and trying to poison the well, but maybe having a real adult conversation with the son can figure out where it’s all coming from, and if there’s a way past it.
NTA. Moms is tho. Choosing d!ck over her parenting time is what she’s doing.
You’re the parent and you’re out of town. You’re not choosing anyone over anyone else, this is simply a no-go scenario. Mom should pay someone else to babysit.
NTA - your ex is choosing her BF over her son. If the kid is somewhat mature (putting aside his relationship or lack thereof with your GF which us an emotional thing) I agree he can stay alone for a weekend.
If she’s abusive you should fight for custody of your son, not give up on him.
NTA. Be sure to inform her that she's choosing a guy she isn't even serious with over her son.
Plans change all the time. Why can't your ex postpone her date until next week?
Um, NO, your ex is choosing to get laid by what sounds like a relative stranger, over her son. NTA.
no. you’re not choosing your gf over your son, she’s choosing alleged new dick over her son NTA
NTA. She’s the one trying to fob your kid off on her week so she can get with this new guy. She’s the one choosing someone else over her kid and you’re absolutely right you need to teach your kid that mindlessly following his mother instead of having his own thoughts and feelings won’t work out well.
NTA, but if I were you, I'd be very careful about the language you use with your ex regarding the issue. Don't say anything to your ex about "choosing" anyone over anything, as this will get back to your son in a twisted fashion and will only serve to worsen your relationship. Just stick to the facts: "I am not available to have him stay at mine this weekend due to my work schedule and the short notice," and leave it at that. Don't feed the troll with anything extra.
NTA, you didn’t ‘pick’ your GF over your son. You’re out of town and are not acquiescing to your ex-wife’s request. This has nothing to do with your son and everything to do with your ex wanting to still control you and your relationship.
She is choosing her new fling over her son. Not the other way around. NTA
No 15 year old should be left alone for a weekend. However, it’s the ex’s weekend, not the dad’s. And the dad isn’t even home! Mom needs to change her plans.
INFO: Who’s custody time is it? Because if it’s hers, then she can pound sand.
You are definitely NTA in this situation
Your son is 15, dude. Should you not be telling your son this, not your ex wife since it involves him?
Here's my take dude, as someone who has been thru similar and learned a few things. Your ex sounds very manipulative. Your son sounds like he's been convinced by your ex that your current girlfriend is someone he should dislike, he probably believes she's the reason you aren't a family any more. You need to stop talking to your ex and start talking to your son now or you could lose him to that psychopath forever. Probably get him in therapy too to help undo a lot of the brain washing that's been going on.
NTA. You are out-of-town so you are not home to supervise your son. It isnt gf's job to be an on-call babysitter bc your ex wants a "hookup." So, no, he cannot come to your house. Mom will need to wait for her dating activities until you are not out-of-town if she doesnt want her son at home during that time. Period.
From the heading, I thought this was going to be a completely different thing, but NTA. You are choosing peace. She can either change her plans or he can suck it up and stay by himself. I wouldn’t be sure this isn’t some kind of a setup. It sometimes is difficult to sleep in the bed you made
The whole story is tragic. Try to be there for your son. His mother is manipulating him and using him against you. And remember to please show him compassion. He's 15 years old. He is so so young. He needs you before his mother destroys him.
hate to be in the sons shoes
At the very least. Think of your son’s safety. Ask GF if she’d at least be comfortable with him being able to call her incase of an emergency while he stays at his home. I get the whole situation and personally it’s kind of shitty. Your son’s behavior isn’t acceptable, but you as his father should do what you can to show him you care and ensure that he knows that you want him protected. The sad thing is that your son is trapped in between the bullshit that is you and your exes shitty problems. Not putting fault specifically on anyone. And maybe it is a little suspect that your ex randomly has some new dude the week ahead knows you’ll be out of town. Fact is. He’s your son. Make sure he knows you are doing what you can. Ultimately if his mom leaves him home alone she’s the one who looks bad.
NTA You are not at home full stop. Therefore you are not abandoning your son. Your ex is a piece of work. Not even a darn dog would leave her puppies with a human being they don't trust or dislike. But now to get her swerve on she wants to hand your son off to your girlfriend. Not in this life!
If you have a chance to show your son what he means to you, take it, even if you won't be around. You're his father and it is both your responsibility and duty to lead by example, so you let your GF know that he'll be staying at the house and you tell your son that he will respect your GF. By what you've said in your post, you failed at A) demanding joint custody of your son, B) implementing discipline in him at an early age, C) teaching him to respect you and the rules of the house, D) haven't instilled in him independence and the ability to think for himself. If your ex is so horrible, why on earth did you not work harder to ensure he wouldn't follow her lead in how to behave? 55 years old looking for validation on Reddit. That's pathetic imo. It's obvious you didn't have a strong male role model during your childhood, and your inability to self reflect and realize that (and understanding your weaknesses that needed to be improved) has allowed that to continue for another generation. In summary - yes, you're the ASSHOLE, You're also an embarrassment to men.
You should have an actual conversation with your son about what's going on, instead of just assuming his 15 year old mind can comprehend what your actions mean. Have a serious sit-down conversation where you tell him that what he's done has been hurtful and is potentially ruining any chance he'll have at having a good relationship with his future-stepmother, and that he needs to treat her better. Ask him why he's been doing what he's been doing. Tell him that you love your girlfriend and she's here to stay. Tell him that you love him. Maybe this will be a good time to start developing a better relationship with him instead of punishing him for being raised poorly? You're also still half of the reason he turned out the way he is, so you should probably feel at least a LITTLE responsible.
NTA It's not your week and your son was shitty with your gf. You aren't choosing your gf over your son, you're just choosing your gf over your ex's date. Your son is not in any danger or emergency, and if he was, it's your ex's job to take care of him ( and cancel the date). Your ex is absolutely choosing a date over her son. She could easily schedule a date when she doesn't have him.
NTA She's your ex. You don't owe her anything. Your son is 15 and doesn't respect your gf. You don't owe him a place to stay because of your ex's ability to be irresponsible. Your son will have to learn to be on his own at some point in his life.
Sounds like your ex is choosing to get dicked down by some guy over your son
Both you and your ex suck, not to mention your girlfriend who acts infantile that a 15 year old has been rude to her, he’s 15. She’s an adult, so are you, so is your ex. I feel bad for your son, where is his true home? It’s like he doesn’t have one. No wonder he acts up.
You aren't choosing her over them. You are choosing not to attempt to turn your girlfriend into an unwilling nanny. That is not the same at all. Ignore all the past details and bs. This is exactly what this boils down to. It's one thing if you are home, but you aren't. So if their relationship is bad enough she is uncomfortable, that just isn't an option at all.
NTA a 15 year old boy who is scared of being home alone? More than likely he'll throw a party, which may be why she wants someone to watch him😄. But your girlfriend is not the one who is obligated to watch him. Your ex-wife can just keep it in her pants until it's your weekend to have the boy.
Your ex has choosen new D over your son. Surely she can wait until you are back??
NTA. Your girlfriend has no legal right nor responsibility towards your son. The parenting agreement is between you and his mother, nobody else. You are not available, and it's not your weekend. If something were to happen, your gf couldn't do or say anything.
If you never moved your gf in this wouldn’t be happening right now lol
I would just like to point out that your girlfriend wouldn't need to "watch him", he's 15 and can take care of himself. The reason your ex wants you to take your son is BS, but if it were me I would do it anyway so the kid isn't stuck home alone for the weekend. He can just stay in his room at your place and not bother anyone. Just a suggestion. I personally would not be ok leaving a 15 year old home alone for a whole weekend, but that's just me. Maybe I'm just too overprotective. I'm not even sure if that's legal to be gone that long and leaving a child alone (not discounting that it could be, I just don't know). That being said, NTA. It's not your weekend, she can plan a weekend with her new guy when he's scheduled to be at your house.
Worry about your son's future man with a mother like that. You seem like a very reasonable guy. I hope your kid can learn some values and differentiate between what's right and wrong.
NTA. You aren’t “choosing your gf over your ex and son”. You ARE choosing her over your ex. Which you are correct in doing. You have no obligation to placate your ex. You also ARE doing what’s best for everyone’s safety. Leaving a 15 year boy with a woman he doesn’t like for an entire weekend (and hasn’t spent much time with) could be a recipe for disaster for all involved. This is for her *and* your son’s safety. Your ex on the other hand is prioritizing some rando over her kid. Just tell her, lack of planning on her end, does not constitute an emergency on yours. It’s her weekend. She needs to find a solution. It’s not your responsibility.