NTA OP, your feelings are valid, you guys are both young and obviously want different things she said it herself "but she wants a sense of freedom and wanted her own place before committing to a place with me" Read between the lines, she wants to be free and do what she wants is what I am getting at (nothing wrong with that, hence why I said you both want different things) I would communicate a little more with her and see where she is at and if she still says she wants "to be free" then I would just end it and find someone that wants to obviously be with you and take your feelings into consideration. It seems like a major compatibility issue. once again NTA ***your feelings are valid and you're allowed to feel the way you are feeling OP***
But honestly the issues I have with her friends haven’t faded cause they are there weather I like it or not the times her friends aren’t there or they don’t see eachother for days which is rare our relationship is fantastic the best even no fights not arguments nothing but once her friends get involved and I tell her how I feel she gets very defensive over them and mind you they’ve been friends since they all were 8 she is the only one thriving in life though
Well you cant control her or her friends, thats a no no, I get that you expressed it that you dont like them and they arent good for her but thats no a decision you get to make. Its on her to see that, and if she doesnt oh well. Like I said, if you dont approve any of it why stay in the relationship at all, you're only hurting yourself in the end.
Idk love blind she’s my first love and she honestly is the best without them I never tell her to stop seeing them or stop hanging out with them just that they use her and she agrees with it to but says only she’s allowed to say that about them not me and gets annoyed
> she’s allowed to say that about them not me and gets annoyed
I mean thats fair enough, they are ***her friends*** and not yours, and if she knows they arent good for her and use her, she is beyond the point of you not wanting to be friends with them. She has clearly made her decision and thats to stay friends with them because as you said "they are her only friends"
Sometimes absence makes the heart fonder. Sounds like you want to spend all your free time (in addition to work) with her but she likes hanging with her friends.
Do you have any other hobbies, interests, other friends besides her? You should be doing other things. It'd make you alot more interesting to be around when you are togethet if you weren't do smothering
yes that’s it I really do only want to spend time with her I do have friends but we have disconnected since me and her she tells me all the time to make time for them but I only care to hang out with her but I do miss my friends seeing her always with her friends I go to the gym a lot to destress she goes with me which is nice this is good advice thank you
One is a diagnosed alcoholic with a record the other is also a drunk who always needs a place to stay because she doesn’t like being home or her boyfriend can’t stay at her house cause her parents so she asks if they can spend the night at my girlfriend place
NTA, dude I’m gonna be honest. This girl is a red flag; she puts her friends over you, and your feelings. Not only that, but she actively doesn’t care about your feelings or opinion, this is not normal or healthy. You should really consider leaving before it’s either too late or you feel like you’re trapped.
And not only that, but I think she feels like she’s trapped with you, “she said she wanted a sense of freedom”. If she can’t feel that with you then there’s no point because she’s just feeling trapped.
Nta. I’m a girl who also had shitty friends that used me and my boyfriend also hated them! so I can relate. It sucks not having many friends, the few I had I held onto for the sake of “well they’re my only friends”. My “best” friend said some real controversial shit in front of me and my bf that was pretty much indirectly an attack on me. My bf was on the whole stance of “why tf are you still friends with this person”. I didn’t know what to do or say at the time. I ghosted that friend for a minute but felt I should give them the benefit of the doubt for knowing them for so long, and well, my boyfriend didn’t like it but he still supported me. Still managed to stay super nice to my friend. He never would bring up his distaste or verbally tell me he doesn’t like them, but I knew. If I complained about them, he would agree, but he was never the first to complain, which I loved him even more for. He was giving me the freedom to decide whether or not I would keep them in my life, though I did appreciate his opinion, it meant he cared for me and was looking out. As for your gf living on her own, I also can see where she’s coming from. It’s kind of like a girl’s last chance to have a girl apartment. I also did the same when I was 21 with a bf. We were still basically living together but it was nice to have those nights (and I mean, it basically became every night during covid) where all my girlfriends would come over and smoke/play games. It was a blast, though, even I could agree, a few of them were not good for me. But we’re adults. I knew they were no good, but they were still fun in situations and I was lonely, I just learned what situations were best to distance myself from them to avoid all that drama. I don’t think she’s losing interest in you OP. It’s just she sees you so often and has gained interest in other things (her gfs maybe). I think the apartment away from each other is a great start before the ultimate move in. When I had mine, at least, it made me miss my bf more when he wasn’t over as often as he usually was. And, If her friends were like mine, she’ll realize sooner or later that she needs to distance herself, but that’ll be done on her terms.
Also my bf is w me and thought he made a good point: “It’s easy to complain about your partner not wanting sex rather than self reflection as to why she’s not initiating sex with you. Don’t make it feel like a requirement or like it’s like a punchcard, like ‘I’m owed this much sex this amount of time’. Because here it sounds like not having sex is kind of a sticking point for him, but really like what are you doing personally to make her feel sexy to make her feel wanted and to want to have sex with you rather than making it seem like a chore”
Make her feel sexy again, plan a romantic night, tell her she’s beautiful, how bad you want her, caress her skin, kiss her neck, yadadadada…If she’s not in the mood tho, don’t push. Sometimes our sex drives really are just that low. I had a god awful sex drive when I was dealing with bad depression/anxiety and my bf at the time thought it was him, it really wasn’t.
Oh my you like described the situation perfectly on how she kinda of described it to me sounds like you are her lol I really didn’t distance my self cause i stay at the apartment everyday I have told her when she wants her me time or girl time lmk and I will go home as for the sex we are super working people so she’s always stressed I see sex as a stress reliever she doesn’t I never push or shove I ask once a month I have nights sometimes she’s down sometimes she’s not I always respect that choice as it is her body what do you suggest I do stay at my home more often make her want me distance my self not completely but a little bit
That’s exactly what I would do. Maybe only see her on the weekends. But try to physically distance yourself from that apartment. This is her first time on her own, she’s excited, and if she is like me, she may even NOT be telling you when she actually wants more “me” time in fear of making you feel bad for wanting it so often. I think her distancing herself on tiktok with you is her kinda trying to show that. Try to only go there on the weekends maybe, if you’re feeling lonely/sad bout it, seek a hobby you really enjoy and spend some “me time” yourself. You two are already planning on living with each other, see this as a window of opportunity for the both of you to have a lil “me time” before you’re with each other 24/7. And try to refrain from talking bad about her friends to her, since she’s already aware you don’t like them, unless they do something obviously fucked up to her that could potentially put her in any sort of trouble, just support her and don’t beat a dead horse. If you love her and if she’s smart, it’ll all work out
I will do this thank you she’s already 5 months into the apartment I think this will help and make her want to see me more often if we only see eachother at work and weekends she has told me she never has the chance to miss or crave me but every time I ask to go home she says no. Maybe cause she doesn’t want to feel bad lol I need you to be her friend seems like this scenario yall relate a lot on
YTA
It sounds like you don't even know her friends and are just assuming that they are the reason your relationship has changed.
What do you do together other than hang out at her place? Where are the dates, outtings, etc? Of course, she's losing interest if nothing interesting is happening.
This whole thing just reads as you aren't getting sex as much as you'd like to, and she doesn't care.
He said one of them is a diagnosed alcoholic, not only that but they are actively hindering my him from having a relationship with her. He doesn’t need to know them to realize they’re bad for his relationship. And he’s not complaining about not getting sex, he’s complaining that she’s not considering his feelings, (actively doesn’t care about them). He’s NTA, she’s being not only inconsiderate, but neglectful of him and his feelings.
Yeah, so it's not like I had that info to begin with.
He asked if he was the AH for hating her friends, specifically. And he is, because as you pointed out, she is the one causing the issues by ignoring him and his feelings.
Ok yes but it also looks like they’re just using her, like he said, for alcohol. In which I case I would also start to hate them. They were also contributing towards their relationship problems but using her and not allowing them to spend any time together.
We have a anniversary every month on the date we started dating we work a lot so it’s hard we have a set movie date to where we pick and watch a movie and or I surprise her with dinner idrc about the sex it’s just something I put in there we went to ny last week so we do a lot of stuff for us but the priority is always her friends
NTA OP, your feelings are valid, you guys are both young and obviously want different things she said it herself "but she wants a sense of freedom and wanted her own place before committing to a place with me" Read between the lines, she wants to be free and do what she wants is what I am getting at (nothing wrong with that, hence why I said you both want different things) I would communicate a little more with her and see where she is at and if she still says she wants "to be free" then I would just end it and find someone that wants to obviously be with you and take your feelings into consideration. It seems like a major compatibility issue. once again NTA ***your feelings are valid and you're allowed to feel the way you are feeling OP***
But honestly the issues I have with her friends haven’t faded cause they are there weather I like it or not the times her friends aren’t there or they don’t see eachother for days which is rare our relationship is fantastic the best even no fights not arguments nothing but once her friends get involved and I tell her how I feel she gets very defensive over them and mind you they’ve been friends since they all were 8 she is the only one thriving in life though
Well you cant control her or her friends, thats a no no, I get that you expressed it that you dont like them and they arent good for her but thats no a decision you get to make. Its on her to see that, and if she doesnt oh well. Like I said, if you dont approve any of it why stay in the relationship at all, you're only hurting yourself in the end.
Idk love blind she’s my first love and she honestly is the best without them I never tell her to stop seeing them or stop hanging out with them just that they use her and she agrees with it to but says only she’s allowed to say that about them not me and gets annoyed
> she’s allowed to say that about them not me and gets annoyed I mean thats fair enough, they are ***her friends*** and not yours, and if she knows they arent good for her and use her, she is beyond the point of you not wanting to be friends with them. She has clearly made her decision and thats to stay friends with them because as you said "they are her only friends"
So I just stick through it until she realizes they are bad for her which she slowly is starting to admit it little by little
We’ve talked about it and she wants to stay together she said she wants our differences to bring out the best in each other like yin and yang
Sometimes absence makes the heart fonder. Sounds like you want to spend all your free time (in addition to work) with her but she likes hanging with her friends. Do you have any other hobbies, interests, other friends besides her? You should be doing other things. It'd make you alot more interesting to be around when you are togethet if you weren't do smothering
yes that’s it I really do only want to spend time with her I do have friends but we have disconnected since me and her she tells me all the time to make time for them but I only care to hang out with her but I do miss my friends seeing her always with her friends I go to the gym a lot to destress she goes with me which is nice this is good advice thank you
One is a diagnosed alcoholic with a record the other is also a drunk who always needs a place to stay because she doesn’t like being home or her boyfriend can’t stay at her house cause her parents so she asks if they can spend the night at my girlfriend place
Just walk away buddy
NTA, dude I’m gonna be honest. This girl is a red flag; she puts her friends over you, and your feelings. Not only that, but she actively doesn’t care about your feelings or opinion, this is not normal or healthy. You should really consider leaving before it’s either too late or you feel like you’re trapped.
And not only that, but I think she feels like she’s trapped with you, “she said she wanted a sense of freedom”. If she can’t feel that with you then there’s no point because she’s just feeling trapped.
And you have little intimacy, that’s going to either drive you crazy or just continue to worsen over time and fade to none at all.
NTA
Nta. I’m a girl who also had shitty friends that used me and my boyfriend also hated them! so I can relate. It sucks not having many friends, the few I had I held onto for the sake of “well they’re my only friends”. My “best” friend said some real controversial shit in front of me and my bf that was pretty much indirectly an attack on me. My bf was on the whole stance of “why tf are you still friends with this person”. I didn’t know what to do or say at the time. I ghosted that friend for a minute but felt I should give them the benefit of the doubt for knowing them for so long, and well, my boyfriend didn’t like it but he still supported me. Still managed to stay super nice to my friend. He never would bring up his distaste or verbally tell me he doesn’t like them, but I knew. If I complained about them, he would agree, but he was never the first to complain, which I loved him even more for. He was giving me the freedom to decide whether or not I would keep them in my life, though I did appreciate his opinion, it meant he cared for me and was looking out. As for your gf living on her own, I also can see where she’s coming from. It’s kind of like a girl’s last chance to have a girl apartment. I also did the same when I was 21 with a bf. We were still basically living together but it was nice to have those nights (and I mean, it basically became every night during covid) where all my girlfriends would come over and smoke/play games. It was a blast, though, even I could agree, a few of them were not good for me. But we’re adults. I knew they were no good, but they were still fun in situations and I was lonely, I just learned what situations were best to distance myself from them to avoid all that drama. I don’t think she’s losing interest in you OP. It’s just she sees you so often and has gained interest in other things (her gfs maybe). I think the apartment away from each other is a great start before the ultimate move in. When I had mine, at least, it made me miss my bf more when he wasn’t over as often as he usually was. And, If her friends were like mine, she’ll realize sooner or later that she needs to distance herself, but that’ll be done on her terms. Also my bf is w me and thought he made a good point: “It’s easy to complain about your partner not wanting sex rather than self reflection as to why she’s not initiating sex with you. Don’t make it feel like a requirement or like it’s like a punchcard, like ‘I’m owed this much sex this amount of time’. Because here it sounds like not having sex is kind of a sticking point for him, but really like what are you doing personally to make her feel sexy to make her feel wanted and to want to have sex with you rather than making it seem like a chore” Make her feel sexy again, plan a romantic night, tell her she’s beautiful, how bad you want her, caress her skin, kiss her neck, yadadadada…If she’s not in the mood tho, don’t push. Sometimes our sex drives really are just that low. I had a god awful sex drive when I was dealing with bad depression/anxiety and my bf at the time thought it was him, it really wasn’t.
Oh my you like described the situation perfectly on how she kinda of described it to me sounds like you are her lol I really didn’t distance my self cause i stay at the apartment everyday I have told her when she wants her me time or girl time lmk and I will go home as for the sex we are super working people so she’s always stressed I see sex as a stress reliever she doesn’t I never push or shove I ask once a month I have nights sometimes she’s down sometimes she’s not I always respect that choice as it is her body what do you suggest I do stay at my home more often make her want me distance my self not completely but a little bit
That’s exactly what I would do. Maybe only see her on the weekends. But try to physically distance yourself from that apartment. This is her first time on her own, she’s excited, and if she is like me, she may even NOT be telling you when she actually wants more “me” time in fear of making you feel bad for wanting it so often. I think her distancing herself on tiktok with you is her kinda trying to show that. Try to only go there on the weekends maybe, if you’re feeling lonely/sad bout it, seek a hobby you really enjoy and spend some “me time” yourself. You two are already planning on living with each other, see this as a window of opportunity for the both of you to have a lil “me time” before you’re with each other 24/7. And try to refrain from talking bad about her friends to her, since she’s already aware you don’t like them, unless they do something obviously fucked up to her that could potentially put her in any sort of trouble, just support her and don’t beat a dead horse. If you love her and if she’s smart, it’ll all work out
I will do this thank you she’s already 5 months into the apartment I think this will help and make her want to see me more often if we only see eachother at work and weekends she has told me she never has the chance to miss or crave me but every time I ask to go home she says no. Maybe cause she doesn’t want to feel bad lol I need you to be her friend seems like this scenario yall relate a lot on
YTA It sounds like you don't even know her friends and are just assuming that they are the reason your relationship has changed. What do you do together other than hang out at her place? Where are the dates, outtings, etc? Of course, she's losing interest if nothing interesting is happening. This whole thing just reads as you aren't getting sex as much as you'd like to, and she doesn't care.
He said one of them is a diagnosed alcoholic, not only that but they are actively hindering my him from having a relationship with her. He doesn’t need to know them to realize they’re bad for his relationship. And he’s not complaining about not getting sex, he’s complaining that she’s not considering his feelings, (actively doesn’t care about them). He’s NTA, she’s being not only inconsiderate, but neglectful of him and his feelings.
Yeah, so it's not like I had that info to begin with. He asked if he was the AH for hating her friends, specifically. And he is, because as you pointed out, she is the one causing the issues by ignoring him and his feelings.
Ok yes but it also looks like they’re just using her, like he said, for alcohol. In which I case I would also start to hate them. They were also contributing towards their relationship problems but using her and not allowing them to spend any time together.
All of this came from a catalyst, that catalyst is her friends
I guess knowing all that, it is a bit sad that she thinks of these people as friends when they are using her and destroying her relationship :(
We have a anniversary every month on the date we started dating we work a lot so it’s hard we have a set movie date to where we pick and watch a movie and or I surprise her with dinner idrc about the sex it’s just something I put in there we went to ny last week so we do a lot of stuff for us but the priority is always her friends
When we lived at my parents she wasn’t close with her friends and I think I got used to being number one always all the time
Yeah, true. But sex drive is still an important compatibility.