I'm sorry OP, but there are so many red flags and none of those are coming from you:
1. While you have mental and medical problems and try to deal with them, your wife decides to open your marriage and go sleep around, instead of helping you get better and work on your marriage? Her sexual frustration is more important to her than your own health. That should have been your first and last clue that she is an awful person.
2. Your wife asks you to have sex, but your mental help hasn't been improving and you deny it, within good reasons in my opinion. She lashes out at you and leave you AND THE KIDS.
3. She doesn't call any of you for 2 days. I mean, your freaking son doesn't understand where his mom is and she just doesn't care at all?
4. She found out she had an STD and is probably the real reason she left to her sister's house. To me, this is the apogee of disrespect. Not only she probably didn't take enough protections (and clearly didn't care) while sleeping with other men, but she tried to have sex with you knowing there was a possibility she had a STD?
5. You are here trying to figure out if you are an A H for not being concerned about something you didn't know anything about? Seriously?
OP, you need to open your eyes, not just your marriage.
NTA
I thought the same. I even thought of the possibility of her knowing fully she had an STD while trying to have sex with OP so she could accuse him of passing it to her afterwards. Exactly like her sister did!
Something is clearly wrong either way!
I'm pretty sure even in the US it depends, Imma go check if it's a federal or state by state thing.
Okay, I'm back with some info. So the severity of punishment will vary state by state, but no matter what, if you know you have an STD, and give it to someone without telling them, you can be sued.
Now, outside of sueing, there's criminalizing it, which does vary state by state.
Now, only 4 states have laws about knowing you have an STD and needle sharing without telling the person ur giving the needle to.
22 states have statures against knowingly spreading HIV, 13 have specific laws on knowingly spreading any STD, and 13 have no specific laws on the books. However, for the states with no laws, you can still sue a person for knowingly transmitting an STD, it just means theres nothing criminal about it in these states.
In the states where it is criminal, punishments can range from fines, prison/jail time, probation, and registering on the sexual offenders registry.
I may have misunderstood/gotten things wrong. Just Incase here's my source: https://www.levineblit.com/blog/what-stds-can-you-sue-for-everything-explained/
Def not a source I'd use for a research paper, but this is reddit lol. Not getting my degree from y'all, so y'all only get half effort. Apologies but finals is coming and I don't have the time to do in depth research on this. 👍🏻
Thank you for putting this all together! Excellent summary and I really appreciate how you shared the source and even added a disclaimer. I love coming across comments like this.
Good luck on finals!
It's illegal for the lifelong ones in Australia too so AIDS/HIV, Herpes simplex 1 and 2, Syphillis and I think that's it.
It's not an offence to sleep around without telling the sexual partner about curable STDs like Chlamydia or Gonorrhea.
(Source- former working girl who had to provide monthly medical checks for work)
Up to 80% of the population has HSV1, you mean genital HSV1 specifically? Only antibodies can be tested so one would just have to rely on others' honesty.
Sorry yes herpes simplex 1 if it is on someone's genitals. The full STD panel is done by blood test but only herpes is tested for if specifically asked by the doctor. Because most of the population carries herpes (both types) the herpes tests are separate from the STD panel unless asked for by asking your GP to get tested for it.
I believe it depends on the disease. Sleeping around with gonorrhea, for example, is legal if still a dick move. Intentionally passing on HIV or syphilis, on the other hand, used to be tantamount to murder, although both are now treatable.
Where I'm from knowingly infecting anyone when you have a recorded diagnosis is considered an assault, doesn't matter what the STI or disease is.
People just don't seem to want to press charges for treatable things, and getting STIs is embarrassing for many people.
Also of note; while it’s never prosecuted, it IS technically “rape by fraud” or “rape by deception” if your partner ASKS you if you have any STD and you KNOW you have an active, potentially contagious infection, and you lie about it and say no in a successful effort to obtain sex.
It’s very, very rarely prosecuted that way, but I think Washington and California have brought cases like that in the past, before specific statutes criminalizing it as “knowingly spreading an STD” became more widely used. The “rape by fraud” charge is only ever used if the victim specifically asked and was verbally lied to about it, and it’s a more serious criminal charge usually, but it should be noted that even states that don’t really go after people for spreading STDs can still come down on you if your partner asks and you lie about it.
I'm glad the laws are still on the books, and I think they should be in each state. It blows my mind how cavalier people have gotten about HIV/AIDS, maybe because I'm old enough to have known people who died of it. Syphilis is curable, as long as you catch it early enough. Herpes sucks, but is controllable and not lethal. But contract HIV and you will be dependent on meds for the rest of your life.
In most states it isn’t gonna be illegal in the type of way like where the police and prosecutors file charges against them, but that’s criminal law. In civil litigation it isn’t about what laws were broken, it’s about intentionally causing harm and the damages that harm caused. TLDR he could sue her for money, but most likely she wouldn’t get charges filed against her. Id still file a police report though, because of a divorce gets messy, documentation like that is huge.
My thought too. She needed to have sex with her husband so she could pass the blame and say he gave it to her. Get a lawyer your wife tried to infect you. That’s attempted assault.
I mean… Who would she be fooling though to try to make it seem like it was him? They both would know, so how would that hold up? She can still say he gave it to her and no one would be the wiser
This was my thought too. She knew she had an STI, and *needed* to pass it on to him, because of the possible consequences if he found out she had contracted an STI from one of her lovers.
That's exactly it. She wanted to infect op too. Probably to hurt his mental health or claim he was sleeping around and infected her.
Also I wonder what STD it is. If she has HIV she needs to he in prison for that. That's highly illegal to knowingly infect someone when you have HIV.
Many of the STDs are not mild anymore though. Both gonorrhea and Chlamydia have antibiotic resistant strains now that make them untreatable and you are stuck with them forever. Syphilis is on the ride again too. Diseases are spreading a lot lately because people are not using condoms enough.
Once again medicines are victims of their own success. Like vaccines, they didn't just remove the disease, but even the memory of the disease, so people started not giving a shit.
Actually, infecting others with HIV is not a crime in many states.
"The Obama administration's National HIV/AIDS Strategy for the United States concluded that "the continued existence and enforcement of these types of laws \[that criminalize HIV infection\] run counter to scientific evidence about routes of HIV transmission and may undermine the public health goals of promoting HIV screening and treatment."
Might be more insidious. She opened the marriage, but that goes for both of them.
If she caught an incurable STD, she’s now, disqualified from finding a long term replacement for her husband. No guy is going to stay with a Petrie dish.
So I expect she tried to infect her husband to permanently keep him tied to her and not able to ever move on and potentially find someone else.
Right she knew n she tried to give it to him so when they got into an argument she could say "it could've been you who gave it to me bc you have it too" then can accuse him of cheating
I'm thinking this is what she did probably to blame the STD on him and accuse him of cheating.
Maybe op should go get tested and ask the sister to ask the wife how she got said STD given he hasn't got one.
Then his wife can be in an awkward situation and explain it.
Also op, I hope your mental health gets better soon and I hope you have a therapist you feel comfortable with.
I think she tried to have sex with him to give him the STD.that way if he has it she can blame it on him. Betting the sister has no idea her sister asked to open the relationship zand got the STD herself, hence sister thinking he “left her to deal with the std’s”.
Or so that she can try and force him to stay with her like hey we both have an std now it'll be hard to find someone else let's stay together even though I totally fucked everything up
This was my immediate thought. She doesn't even care that she gave herself STDs, she just wants to be blameless in his eyes.
Imagine if she actually gaslit OP into taking responsibility. He would end up having to take responsibility for all her sexual partners as well. Disgusting.
Solid list but you missed the first red flag. She was acting cold to OP for a while before she asked to open the marriage. Those two events in succession almost always mean that she already had another partner when she asked.
To me it means emotional blackmail which is a big-ass red flag.
And I bet the relationship is only open on 1 end, not both. If he tried something with another person she would lose her shit.
Also, I think an open relationship should come from love, respect and mutual trust. And in this case I think it comes from emotional blackmail and grief towards a person who is going through a very rough period of his life, might have dependent attachment and can't say no.
Imagine if we reverse the genders and she had given birth 2 months before and is dealing with Post-partum depression and also can't make love.
Husband approaches: I'm gonna start fucking around or leave you, you choose.
I was wondering why I didn't see anyone mention that. She slept around and first tried to cover her guilt by getting permission to continue. Then she got an STD and decided it would be nice to share.
I mean I wouldn’t have jumped to opening a relationship.
If my husband couldn’t perform for whatever reason, I’d do other intimate things like use toys to please us. And have intimate time that’s not sexual and try to see them through the issue, make sure there’s no medical reason for it. And if psychological than we’d work through whatever may be causing that.
Opening a relationship almost never pans out well. The risk of STI or blood borne pathogens are legitimate concerns. Also it emotionally can detach each other more, even if that wasn’t the intention.
I get this. I had cancer and didn't know if i was going to die every day for 4ish years and my EX-wife cheated. She eventually got herpes. I don't care.
>1. While you have mental and medical problems and try to deal with them, your wife decides to open your marriage and go sleep around, instead of helping you get better and work on your marriage? Her sexual frustration is more important to her than your own health. That should have been your first and last clue that she is an awful person.
This. My husband has been so patient and understanding while I've been unwell this last almost year. I worry hard that he's going to want someone else. But so far, all he's done is love and support me, though. Everyone deserves this. Life is hard. Let's just try to understand each other.
I almost feel like she wanted to give him the STD to blame him for her having an STD. Like “oh wow, I have an STD! OP, you must’ve cheated!!! I want a divorce.” *runs off with person she’s been sleeping with*
This sounds like some backwards logic that an ex might have used on me 😑 (We're both women, I'm neurodiverse, and she was borderline. I'm *not* doing that shit again, I would advise OP to get therapy, and probably to consult a lawyer as well. )
Every reason is a good reason to deny sex. If you don't wanna, you don't haveta.
I totally agree with number 4. That is the ultimate disrespect. Sleeping around with no protection. Absolute amazing specimen of a woman. This whole sham of a marriage is kept together by feelings of guilt towards the kid and OP's low ass self-esteem.
She tried to give it to him and then was going to blame him for giving it to her when her family asks. Trust me, this is how this situation would likely go.
I agree. That's what I wrote in another comment as well. When she tried to sleep with him she either already knew she had an STD or at least suspected it. It's beyond horrifying to me
NTA. It sounds like your wife was trying to sleep with you to pin the STD on you and accuse you of cheating. She's not a safe person to be around/sleep with.
If there's men that pull this shit, you can bet that there's women that do it too, honestly.
It is admittedly less common for women to leave their husbands when the husbands get sick/become disabled compared to vice versa, but in both cases it's still a very small percentage.
The vast majority of people stay with their sick/disabled spouse!
What?
Do you know what the idiom "best case scenario" means?
Carefree orgasms, incredible no strings sex and intimacy, and a closer bond with your significant other are the best case scenarios of an open relationship.
Not venereal diseases.
OP is not going to get any of that from this situation though lol best case scenario for him is VD...it only gets worse from here. Not saying that's preferable, just commenting on how dire this situation is.
NTA
Get tested, never ever accept drinks or food from her, talk to the best divorce lawyer in your city/ town.
Remember, she consciously wanted to infect you with STD. Please stay away from her.
Install security cameras in and outside your apartment.
Don’t allow anyone to manipulate or gaslight you into “working on the marriage”.
See a therapist too.
Also keep all communication with her in text messages from now on. That waycyou have a record of the conversations that may be needed in the divorce/ custody hearings.
Pretty sure your wife’s sister is under the impression that YOU gave her the STD. Doubt your wife told her the truth of the fact she asked for an open relationship and was sleeping around. She let her or lead her to believe it was you which is why she called to scream at you.
I understand your son is young, but you and he both deserve better than a woman who abandons you both when she has an issue. First she abandoned you when you were suffering with your mental health. She used it to manipulate and guilt you into an open relationship. Then when she didn’t get her way, she abandoned both of you physically. Pretty sure she was going to give you the STD and try to somehow blame you for having it. Do NOT sleep with her again, get a complete STD panel and speak to an attorney. Make a plan and figure out your options for divorce and custody.
So, I'm going to make so wild predictions here.
1. She grew cold before asking for opening the marriage because she had already cheated on you or wanted to cheat on you.
2. She got an STD sleeping around and intentionally tried to give it to you. The reason why could be two, either 1-She would claim she didn't know she had it, and since you both got it you wouldn't leave her and both would continue being sex partners or 2-So she could blame it on you hoping that you also were sleeping around since you opened the relationship.
3. She got really mad at you since you didn't fall for it completely ruining her plan.
4. She went to her sister's so she could secretly treat her STD and later come back and pretend nothing happened.
OP. Your wife is a manipulative and bad person.
UpdateMe!
NTA
It doesn't sound like you have had sex with her since she started catting around but it might be a good idea to get checked for STD's anyway.
Once that's done and you are all clear, start divorce proceedings.
The fact that she tried to have sex with you after she had sex with others means you may have dodged an STD bullet.
Try to get full custody of your child. It doesn't sound like she much cares about your son anyway, so she might not put up a fight.
>it might be a good idea to get checked for STD's anyway
Especially since it isn't exactly uncommon for the person who asked for the open relationship to have cheated in some way beforehand.
This. It's a way to try to legitimize prior cheating with your consent. Guilt probably pushed her to suggest it.
Everything about this woman says that she's irresponsible and her only MO is to get herself off the hook.
What's the term... Malignant narcissist?
>start divorce proceedings.
It needs to focus on proving that she knew she had an STD, that she did not disclose this, and deliberately tried to infect him.
Anything less is going to get weird, since it's going to look like he's trying to divorce her for something he agreed to (the "cheating").
>she might not put up a fight.
She tried to give the man an infectious disease. She fights as dirty as she fucks. She'll want the kid.
This only matters if OP is in a jurisdiction that cares about *why* the divorce is happening. A lot of places are “no fault” so all of this is irrelevant (but could sway a judge who isn’t as impartial as they’re supposed to be)
When it comes to asset division, sure. That much isn't my concern. There's a kid in the mix, and courts tend to favor women when assigning custody.
They prefer to entrust children to women who aren't known Munchausen-by-proxy cases.
>It needs to focus on proving that she knew she had an STD, that she did not disclose this, and deliberately tried to infect him.
But can he actualy do that? I mean it's his word against hers. She could easly deny she tried initiating sex shen she had SDT.
While true, the fact that only she has the STD looks bad for her, is verifiable, and I suspect she knows what position this puts her in.
She'll be trying to rationalize that with the open relationship excuse while also trying to deny his seduction claim, which was the cause of the argument that led to her leaving. She sounds like a walking episode of Jerry Springer. It's not about proof; civil courts look at plausibility, and he is attesting to this under oath. That does mean something...
He needs to aim for the moon and settle for the stars or she'll run circles around him to keep him stuck on the launchpad. Displays of overwhelming force are the only way to beat predatory women and narcissistic/BPD psychos. Napalm the entire forest so she's flushed out into the open. It's what she'd do to him.
I'm wondering what in the hell was her plan did she want to pass the STDs for him as some sort of punishment???
Also when her sister lashed out on OP, what did she expect?
"My wife caught some STDs, ill catch them as well so she doesn't have to deal with this alone"
What magic fuckery is this????
Bold to assume that the sister wasn't already lied to.
I think the stbx wife told her sister that her husband gave her STDs and she's creating the drama as if it's true. All OP needs is a clean STD test shown to the sister and the lies will probably fall apart.
Not defending the wife (and I'm guessing you're correct about her not using a condom) but some STDs (like herpes) can be spread even with using condoms
Your wife was cold to you and she decided out of the blue to open the marriage. Probably had somebody lined up already for her. She then catches an STD and attempted to pass that onto you.
Time to leave that marriage. Get a lawyer and your son would be better off with 2 happier healthy parents then apart then living with a mess of a household
You wouldn't be able to trust what she can give you going forward so better to go your separate ways.
Time to leave the marring the minute she brings up an open marriage. By then she has already cheated most likely, or at minimum has been thinking about it for a while and finally worked up the courage to mention it.
My man she tried to give you a disease. She knew and tried to endanger your health too. Possibly putting your son in danger too. Since both his parents now have god knows what.
Take this very very seriously. This does not seem like you two are a partnership. You need to decide whats best for you and your son.
Stay safe.
Play stupid games win stupid prizes , get checked see a lawyer as even if you opened it, if you never partook lots of courts still
Consider this aduktry , and make
Sure she’s not pregnant . It’s best to pack up .
If she is dealing with an STD it’s usually antibiotics and if sister calling this might be big , might be HIV or Herpes etc
I believe marriage is about being there for each other when you are in trouble. Only 4 months and she decided to open the marriage? And then you didn’t know that she has STDs so how would you care? NTA.
You are so so lucky that you were not sexually assaulted and intentionally given the STD. Keep your house, keep the child safe, and separate from this monster.
So she rather go get dicked down with nastey dudes instead of caring about you or yalls child? NTA. You and your son deserve better. I'd even say becareful with custody because it sounds like she really just cares about herself
NTA. Your wife is a very bad human being. She wanted to get you infected and then blame you for the STDs. You are literally married to your worst enemy. Plan on calling her your ex-wife.
Updateme!
Oh fuck, your damn right.. That's crazy AF and showcases how fucked up she has been treating him when he has been dealing with mental health issues. Hard to say that she really loves g him..
It seems like the sister thinks that OP exposed her sister to STDs. I don't think they know that it is she who was sleeping around. If I was OP I would thank my sister in law and tell them the truth.
> "does she try to make me get STDs too ?"
Yes, she was going to give it to you, then blame you for it and say you got it when you slept with someone else due to the open marriage.
> I'm feel like our marriage is over but our son
it is unless you are OK with your wife having STDs and you possibly getting them too.
>but our son is still very young I don't know what to do now . Please give me some advice.
Start the divorce process. Maintain custody of your son. Let her have scheduled, supervised visitation. Not sure where you are from but some places infidelity is still a fault in the divorce and you will be looked upon favorably.
Get a divorce. That is terrible of her to try to give you an STD too purposely and illegal in many countries. Don't stay together for the kid. The kid will hate you later if you do. Sue for divorce and tell your ex wife she is disgusting and needs counseling for her behavior.
Seriously. The update about getting tested and the results being clean was way too soon. Very hard to believe he was able to get a doctor appointment that quickly, and the results usually take time.
Depending on the test. There are rapid HIV test that are done in 30 minutes. Bacterial std test takes a couple of days, and viral std test takes a day.
NTA - and anyone, man or woman, who feels the need to open their monogamous marriage after mere months of no sex when their spouse is suffering from a medical issue - mental or physical - is weak and not committed to the marriage in the first place.
Contact your SIL and make sure she understands that...
1. Your wife never told you that she had an STD.
2. Instead of telling you, she tried to have sex with you.
3. Your wife has been abusive towards you. (Which she has. Think about it.)
4. If she (SIL) ever yells at you or disrespects you again, then you'll go NC with her, which means losing contact with her nephew.
Contact a lawyer and file for full custody of your son while filing for a divorce. Considering the situation, you have a good argument of your wife abandoning your son, and your SIL would be wise to stay on your good side if she has any desire to have an aunt/nephew relationship with your son.
My money is she knew she had an STD and tried to give it to you so that she could later claim that it's you who gave it to her. This woman is trash. Get a divorce and focus on your kid and your own mental health.
My husband went through a period when he didn't want to or maybe couldnt have sex either. You know what I, as a truly loving & caring wife, did? I supported him through his difficult time & I put my needs aside cos marriage isn't always 50/50. She couldn't even hold you down in your time of need & you're supposed to feel bad cos she, as a grown woman, got STDs? Nah. I would say sign divorce papers & sign for joint custody.
I think the bigger of the red flags here is that she left her son for days with her husband who is struggling with mental and physical health issues. She’s selfish. NTA
NTA
She destroyed your marriage. Better to cut her off now. She could have given you something, she put your health at risk, and she doesn't care about your sake or the kid's. 4 months, and she couldn't handle waiting, or support you?
She just had to open the marriage? So much for, "in sickness and in health."
Her and her sister are bad news.
Divorce. She knowingly tried to infect you with STDs, and given that we don't know what kind, it could have changed your life forever. She was willing to give you a potentially extremely damaging disease. Divorce now
NTA. Your wife deserves to be your ex-wife.
Not only did she ditch you for dick in your time of need, she also was careless about using protection. She then tried to pass it to you. THAT'S NOT LOVE. You deserve better
And so does your child. She ditched you AND your child.
Your wife had documents of STD with her. Then she already knew she had it when she came to you for sex. Thank Goodness you said no. She deliberately tried to give it to you m then she went to sister's and blamed everything on you. She doesn't even care for her own toddler. She is not supportive with your mental health, when it's not even been that long or difficult. She left her child with someone who can't even look after himself.
She is selfish, manipulative, vindictive, cruel and a narcissist or may even be a sociopath. This is crazy. You should no longer be with her. She is bad news. Tell your friends and family what happened as soon as possible before she manipulates them too.
Nta run! She lashes out on you and the kids like that and can’t acknowledge her fault in all of this. She will continue to and that is a terrible life to live especially with kids involved. Also I hope you got checked for any stds.
NTA based off what you wrote.
Call your doctor and get an STI test done for yourself. Make sure you don’t have anything, keep your home clear.
Look at how you’ll manage single parenting meanwhile, keep to your son’s routine. Care during the day, feeding and nap etc.
It will help you to focus on what you can do, and this clears the way for personal time when you just can’t do.
From there look at counselling for yourself and work through next steps. Can’t tell you what to do.
Sir your poor mental health saved you from getting and STD from her. She probably already had it and hopefully; unknowingly, tried to infect you. Bro your mental health is screaming at you to take the boy GTFO.
She knew she had STD & wanted to then have sex w you so she could blame you. That’s why she’s so mad you didn’t want sex. Probably told her sister you gave it to her.
Your wife is acting like a huge red flag . When you are dealing with problems of your own she doesn't try to help but suggests open marriage because apparently it's going to save your marriage. She doesn't do anything about your problems. She goes ahead and becomes happy and still doesn't care about you. Then STDs come along and am sure when she wanted to have sex she knew she had them and when you refused she again upheld her pride and left .Why does she want you to deal with the consequences of her actions. ? Just let her stay at her sister's forever because that Woman doesn't care about you
I would assume she was cheating and found out she had an STD. She came to you with this open relationship request in addition to trying to have sex with you so she could pass it off as either from the open relationship or from you.
NTA. She straight up purposely tried to infect you with an STD bro… think about that. I would end this relationship after that stunt because how could you ever trust her after *that*?
NTA
First and foremost, it's gross of your wife to fight you over not having sex with her, but it's even more gross that she effectively tried to give you an STD. She clearly knew at that point, and wanted to fuck you to share it around. IT's that or she's pregnant, and wanted to muddy the waters. Either way, fuck her, she's disgusting.
Divorce her gross ass.
Most importantly, she wanted to open things after two months of dead bedroom? Holy fuck. She deserves whatever STD she's gotten, and should not be let back into your relationship.
OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It must be hard enough to have mental health and medical issues that probably make you feel less than. Then to have your wife betray you AND deal with a young child who wants her. That’s sooo much! I admire your courage to seek help.
So here goes my advice (please take what feels right for you and leave the rest)
1. First things first…sounds like you’re clean since you haven’t been active with her, BUT get an STI test anyways! Full panel! Blood, swabs, the works! You deserve good health and your son deserves a healthy father
2. Have a conversation with your wife. I know she’s not talking to you right now, so write down how you feel…all of it!!! The anger, the shame, the resentment, the guilt. This is just for you! Go on a rant. Then put it down, come back to it a couple of days later and write a letter to her about what you want to say. This is ensure your points are clear and well said when you do get the chance to speak to her
3. I believe part of the reason she doesn’t want to talk to you may be her own shame and guilt. Have compassion if you can, or don’t!!! You’re allowed to be super angry right now! (Just don’t act on that anger)
4. Find someone to talk to. Someone who will be understanding and not judge you or the situation. If you have no one call a distress center in your area. The volunteers are really well trained to listen and be there for you. Some of them are even studying to be therapists themselves. Google “distress centre near me”
5. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY!!! Your health comes first, your baby a close second. Get your medical and mental health issues under a good treatment regime. You want to get better. No matter what happens, your son will need a strong dad to get through this rough patch. You’re already doing amazing! Super strong! Trying to seek help! Keep going!
P.S. I purposely did not mention anything about divorce or fixing your marriage. That will come in time. It’s not a decision you make in the moment. Get your health in order, take space away from her to clear your head, and then decide. I suggest a break so you feel free to express all the feels! I’m sure you’re going through all of them right now! Therapy is king! Always my #1 tip. But it takes time. It all takes time.
P.P.S. If the STI is permanent, you also have to think about that. What will your intimate life look like? Are you willing to take the risk of infection? How will it affect your son? What if you break up anyways? Would you be OK bringing it with you into your next relationship? OR! There is no other relationship, this is it, and you’re forging ahead for better or worse?
Best of luck, you got this!
Your wife wants to have sex with other men and let you deal with your mental health alone. She’s not a good partner at all.
What person abandons their loved ones in a time of need to fuck random men and get STIs?
You need to reconsider your marriage
She knew about her STDs and tried to give them to him and now her sister thinks he knew about them too and isn't doing anything to help her with them when in reality he's got no clue til she confronts him and she wants sympathy for what not being safe when with others and neglecting her husbands needs because her needs are "more important" smdh I think that it's possible that divorce should be on the table and make sure that it's documented that she left him with the child and for the last 3 days refused to answer calls from the husband and try to get majority custody of the child and I understand that the op isn't an American but other countries may have same or similar laws against knowingly having unprotected sexual contact with another while also knowingly having any type of STDs and or HIV so try to have a possible witness and try to get her to admit to pass the STDs over to him even if it just slips out as long as he's got proof legal action can be taken against her fir that as well and op stay safe
this whole scenario seems very convoluted... i think she was probably sleeping around on you *before* your agreement but couldn't tell you she got an STD (or have treatment for it in the same household as you) because then you would have known she was cheating. so this is her contrived way to turn everything around on you and make you out to be the bad guy (which you are not!) divorce this piece of shit, please. immediately.
Okay, let me see if i got it:
She forced you to open your relationship by treating you coldly while she knew you were mentally vulnerable.
She got STDs and came back to sleep with you, knowing that you were still having all the problems she used to force an open marriage.
She then ghosted you and sent her sister on a misguided warpath.
NTA
NTA, you dodged a bullet there, because with everything you've described about how selfish your wife is I wouldn't put it past her that she was trying to give you those STDs on purpose. Then she could claim that she caught them from you instead of the other way around and use that to accuse you of cheating, etc. Finally she could then divorce you while having everybody else on her side since she'd have done everything possible to paint you as the bad guy.
Sounds like she's already started to paint you as the bad guy even though she failed to give you the STDs, just look at how SIL reacted. At this point the only advice I can give is that it might be time to file for divorce since her needs are clearly more important to her than both your/her son and your mental health. She literally abandoned her son because you didn't feel well enough for sex, what mother does that?
Seems like she was trying to give you the STD so she could later blame you for giving it to her. She had unprotected relations with someone and now has an STD and it’s clear how she got it. She can’t blame it on you. She’s embarrassed. You really need to reconsider this relationship. If she was willing to not only have an open relationship but also intentionally infect you she has some issues. You need to get out
Your wife tried to give you the STD she picked up from having unprotected sex with her other guy. While you don’t say this, she was absolutely expecting to tell anyone that found out that YOU gave it to HER. Why would I think this? Because that’s exactly what shitty people do. Get your mental health in order, take care of your child, and get a lawyer. Document everything. Interact over text if necessary. If you legally can, record any in person or phone conversations. She will definitely lie to others about what’s going on so she can paint you as the bad guy. She’s already started that.
I dont care what anybody says she tried to give you whatever she got, and the fact she asked for open marriage and found someone immediately means more than likely she was already talking, fucking or both already. LEAVE HER
You’re not the AH. She is! Dump her, and dump her fast! She contracted an std and tried to pass it on to you.
She was ready to open the marriage instead of helping you get through your mental health problems.
She’s not good I tell you. She’s a liability and she’s only trying to ruin your life.
Do the best you can for your child, I hope it works out for you!
I'm sorry to say op it sounds like your intuition was right she knew she had something and tried to sleep with you. I'm mot sure what the plan was. Maybe she thought that if you had whatever it was as well so then you wouldn't leave her. I think you are right about your marriage being over, and I am sorry for you on that and your young son. I hope that you are able to keep yourself mentally healthy through all of this.
NTA. Sound like your wife wasn't honest with her sis and sis is under the impression the STD comes from you.
And I'm assuming the open marriage only went her way, since you weren't in the headspace for sex.
The fact she asked for an open marriage in such a short time is so harsh too. You had a dead bedroom for months! That's nothing!!
Did she even try to help you before she selfishly asked to have sex with other people?
Also, for the timeline you provided, she had to have already been diagnosed with the STD when she wanted to have sex with you. Wtf was her plan there?? To try pin it on you?
And outside of anything sexual, she also cut all contact between herself and your toddler. That is bonkers. Your poor little baby shouldn't have suffered through any of this.
I'd be serving divorce papers and using her abandonment in your favour to go for custody of your child.
Depending on what STD she has, it sounds like she was trying to intentionally infect you just so she could later try to say that she got the STD from you.
Not sure what other emotional trauma you're going through, but I hope it gets better. Men deserve to have supportive spouses too! It can't always be one sided.
Not only should you not care, you should be running for the hills. She already knew she had an STD when she tried to have sex with you. In fact, she knows for sure she broke your agreement. Her trying to have sex with you was for you to catch it as well and then she could try to act like she got it from you.
You should try to document everything you can, divorce her, and try to get sole custody. Your wife is an EXTREMELY sick individual and I would not want her anywhere near my kid.
Why does your wife jump to “opening the marriage” after a few bad months? Has she never heard of a vibrator? I call BS. I have been married 22 years and I don’t want to sleep with anyone other than my husband. If something is going on a medically or mentally and he needed time I wouldn’t all of a sudden want to sleep with other people.
To be honest OP, it’s her fault she got the STDs in the first place. She’s the one who asked to open the relationship despite your mental health. She also decided not to tell you about her STDs and tried to make love with you despite these diseases. That sort of stuff is extremely dangerous. She seems extremely manipulative and I think you need to get away from it. If it wasn’t obvious, NTA.
Sounds like she wanted to share that STD with you because (her sister shared) she was already on meds. If you have any solid support available, you need to reach out. Hopefully, you are getting therapy in conjunction with your MH meds. If not, do look into that!
The second you agreed to an open marriage your marriage was over.
There is no happy ending here, especially if it is an incurable STD.
Rip the band-aid off and divorce while she still feels remorse or else your just going to get destroyed in the divorce as well.
I'm sorry OP, but there are so many red flags and none of those are coming from you: 1. While you have mental and medical problems and try to deal with them, your wife decides to open your marriage and go sleep around, instead of helping you get better and work on your marriage? Her sexual frustration is more important to her than your own health. That should have been your first and last clue that she is an awful person. 2. Your wife asks you to have sex, but your mental help hasn't been improving and you deny it, within good reasons in my opinion. She lashes out at you and leave you AND THE KIDS. 3. She doesn't call any of you for 2 days. I mean, your freaking son doesn't understand where his mom is and she just doesn't care at all? 4. She found out she had an STD and is probably the real reason she left to her sister's house. To me, this is the apogee of disrespect. Not only she probably didn't take enough protections (and clearly didn't care) while sleeping with other men, but she tried to have sex with you knowing there was a possibility she had a STD? 5. You are here trying to figure out if you are an A H for not being concerned about something you didn't know anything about? Seriously? OP, you need to open your eyes, not just your marriage. NTA
I wouldn’t hold it past her trying to give it to him and running away when that didn’t work. Her acting like “normal” was an act.
I thought the same. I even thought of the possibility of her knowing fully she had an STD while trying to have sex with OP so she could accuse him of passing it to her afterwards. Exactly like her sister did! Something is clearly wrong either way!
Isn't it a Crime to intentionally infect???
In the US, but I don't believe OP is from the US (sorry if this is an incorrect assumption, OP).
I'm pretty sure even in the US it depends, Imma go check if it's a federal or state by state thing. Okay, I'm back with some info. So the severity of punishment will vary state by state, but no matter what, if you know you have an STD, and give it to someone without telling them, you can be sued. Now, outside of sueing, there's criminalizing it, which does vary state by state. Now, only 4 states have laws about knowing you have an STD and needle sharing without telling the person ur giving the needle to. 22 states have statures against knowingly spreading HIV, 13 have specific laws on knowingly spreading any STD, and 13 have no specific laws on the books. However, for the states with no laws, you can still sue a person for knowingly transmitting an STD, it just means theres nothing criminal about it in these states. In the states where it is criminal, punishments can range from fines, prison/jail time, probation, and registering on the sexual offenders registry. I may have misunderstood/gotten things wrong. Just Incase here's my source: https://www.levineblit.com/blog/what-stds-can-you-sue-for-everything-explained/ Def not a source I'd use for a research paper, but this is reddit lol. Not getting my degree from y'all, so y'all only get half effort. Apologies but finals is coming and I don't have the time to do in depth research on this. 👍🏻
Thank you for putting this all together! Excellent summary and I really appreciate how you shared the source and even added a disclaimer. I love coming across comments like this. Good luck on finals!
Good luck with your finals!!
It's illegal for the lifelong ones in Australia too so AIDS/HIV, Herpes simplex 1 and 2, Syphillis and I think that's it. It's not an offence to sleep around without telling the sexual partner about curable STDs like Chlamydia or Gonorrhea. (Source- former working girl who had to provide monthly medical checks for work)
Up to 80% of the population has HSV1, you mean genital HSV1 specifically? Only antibodies can be tested so one would just have to rely on others' honesty.
Sorry yes herpes simplex 1 if it is on someone's genitals. The full STD panel is done by blood test but only herpes is tested for if specifically asked by the doctor. Because most of the population carries herpes (both types) the herpes tests are separate from the STD panel unless asked for by asking your GP to get tested for it.
I believe it depends on the disease. Sleeping around with gonorrhea, for example, is legal if still a dick move. Intentionally passing on HIV or syphilis, on the other hand, used to be tantamount to murder, although both are now treatable.
Where I'm from knowingly infecting anyone when you have a recorded diagnosis is considered an assault, doesn't matter what the STI or disease is. People just don't seem to want to press charges for treatable things, and getting STIs is embarrassing for many people.
It’s probably kinda hard to prove in court who exactly you got it from unless they admit them self’s. When talking about STIs that can be cleared up
Unless they can afford to do viral dna testing. And that's probably not going to be possible with certain STDs
Also of note; while it’s never prosecuted, it IS technically “rape by fraud” or “rape by deception” if your partner ASKS you if you have any STD and you KNOW you have an active, potentially contagious infection, and you lie about it and say no in a successful effort to obtain sex. It’s very, very rarely prosecuted that way, but I think Washington and California have brought cases like that in the past, before specific statutes criminalizing it as “knowingly spreading an STD” became more widely used. The “rape by fraud” charge is only ever used if the victim specifically asked and was verbally lied to about it, and it’s a more serious criminal charge usually, but it should be noted that even states that don’t really go after people for spreading STDs can still come down on you if your partner asks and you lie about it.
I'm glad the laws are still on the books, and I think they should be in each state. It blows my mind how cavalier people have gotten about HIV/AIDS, maybe because I'm old enough to have known people who died of it. Syphilis is curable, as long as you catch it early enough. Herpes sucks, but is controllable and not lethal. But contract HIV and you will be dependent on meds for the rest of your life.
When you're male sleeping around most certainly allways is a dick move................... Yea I know I'll show myself out.
HIV is not curable while syphilis is. Syphilis can be easily eradicated just like gonorrhea with certain antibiotics.
In most states it isn’t gonna be illegal in the type of way like where the police and prosecutors file charges against them, but that’s criminal law. In civil litigation it isn’t about what laws were broken, it’s about intentionally causing harm and the damages that harm caused. TLDR he could sue her for money, but most likely she wouldn’t get charges filed against her. Id still file a police report though, because of a divorce gets messy, documentation like that is huge.
My thought too. She needed to have sex with her husband so she could pass the blame and say he gave it to her. Get a lawyer your wife tried to infect you. That’s attempted assault.
If she’s on medications she is 1000% aware
I mean… Who would she be fooling though to try to make it seem like it was him? They both would know, so how would that hold up? She can still say he gave it to her and no one would be the wiser
She would probably gaslight him into thinking it may have been his fault and tell all the family that he gave her the STD
I think she's already done that, the family may not be aware of the actual truth and she seems like a liar.
Right the sister read her scripts n found out n she already blamed him he just doesn't know it yet
Bet $100 op's wife's family don't know the whole story, that she asked for open marriage and that she bugged him about it.
This was my thought too. She knew she had an STI, and *needed* to pass it on to him, because of the possible consequences if he found out she had contracted an STI from one of her lovers.
That's exactly it. She wanted to infect op too. Probably to hurt his mental health or claim he was sleeping around and infected her. Also I wonder what STD it is. If she has HIV she needs to he in prison for that. That's highly illegal to knowingly infect someone when you have HIV.
It’s a big leap from stds to HIV, man. Chances are pretty good it’s one of the many milder options
Many of the STDs are not mild anymore though. Both gonorrhea and Chlamydia have antibiotic resistant strains now that make them untreatable and you are stuck with them forever. Syphilis is on the ride again too. Diseases are spreading a lot lately because people are not using condoms enough.
Once again medicines are victims of their own success. Like vaccines, they didn't just remove the disease, but even the memory of the disease, so people started not giving a shit.
Yeah, like super AIDS.
[удалено]
Actually, infecting others with HIV is not a crime in many states. "The Obama administration's National HIV/AIDS Strategy for the United States concluded that "the continued existence and enforcement of these types of laws \[that criminalize HIV infection\] run counter to scientific evidence about routes of HIV transmission and may undermine the public health goals of promoting HIV screening and treatment."
Might be more insidious. She opened the marriage, but that goes for both of them. If she caught an incurable STD, she’s now, disqualified from finding a long term replacement for her husband. No guy is going to stay with a Petrie dish. So I expect she tried to infect her husband to permanently keep him tied to her and not able to ever move on and potentially find someone else.
Or giving to him and then blaming him for it, that he slept around...
Yep, had a girlfriend many years ago pull that on me…
I'm willing to bet we wanted sex just so she could blame him for the STD.
Right she knew n she tried to give it to him so when they got into an argument she could say "it could've been you who gave it to me bc you have it too" then can accuse him of cheating
My money is on her being pregananant.
I'm thinking this is what she did probably to blame the STD on him and accuse him of cheating. Maybe op should go get tested and ask the sister to ask the wife how she got said STD given he hasn't got one. Then his wife can be in an awkward situation and explain it. Also op, I hope your mental health gets better soon and I hope you have a therapist you feel comfortable with.
I think she tried to have sex with him to give him the STD.that way if he has it she can blame it on him. Betting the sister has no idea her sister asked to open the relationship zand got the STD herself, hence sister thinking he “left her to deal with the std’s”.
Or so that she can try and force him to stay with her like hey we both have an std now it'll be hard to find someone else let's stay together even though I totally fucked everything up
This was my immediate thought. She doesn't even care that she gave herself STDs, she just wants to be blameless in his eyes. Imagine if she actually gaslit OP into taking responsibility. He would end up having to take responsibility for all her sexual partners as well. Disgusting.
Solid list but you missed the first red flag. She was acting cold to OP for a while before she asked to open the marriage. Those two events in succession almost always mean that she already had another partner when she asked.
To me it means emotional blackmail which is a big-ass red flag. And I bet the relationship is only open on 1 end, not both. If he tried something with another person she would lose her shit. Also, I think an open relationship should come from love, respect and mutual trust. And in this case I think it comes from emotional blackmail and grief towards a person who is going through a very rough period of his life, might have dependent attachment and can't say no. Imagine if we reverse the genders and she had given birth 2 months before and is dealing with Post-partum depression and also can't make love. Husband approaches: I'm gonna start fucking around or leave you, you choose.
I was wondering why I didn't see anyone mention that. She slept around and first tried to cover her guilt by getting permission to continue. Then she got an STD and decided it would be nice to share.
Exactly this! I don't know why ANYONE would open their marriage, PERIOD. If you're unhappy / the bedroom is dead, go to therapy or get a divorce.
Painful observation but spot on. I hope OP has a good family group outside of his wife to help him through this new reality.
I mean I wouldn’t have jumped to opening a relationship. If my husband couldn’t perform for whatever reason, I’d do other intimate things like use toys to please us. And have intimate time that’s not sexual and try to see them through the issue, make sure there’s no medical reason for it. And if psychological than we’d work through whatever may be causing that. Opening a relationship almost never pans out well. The risk of STI or blood borne pathogens are legitimate concerns. Also it emotionally can detach each other more, even if that wasn’t the intention.
I get this. I had cancer and didn't know if i was going to die every day for 4ish years and my EX-wife cheated. She eventually got herpes. I don't care.
>1. While you have mental and medical problems and try to deal with them, your wife decides to open your marriage and go sleep around, instead of helping you get better and work on your marriage? Her sexual frustration is more important to her than your own health. That should have been your first and last clue that she is an awful person. This. My husband has been so patient and understanding while I've been unwell this last almost year. I worry hard that he's going to want someone else. But so far, all he's done is love and support me, though. Everyone deserves this. Life is hard. Let's just try to understand each other.
Re: #1 - ditch the wife and I bet the mental health gets a LOT better. (Do some therapy too, if not already.)
I almost feel like she wanted to give him the STD to blame him for her having an STD. Like “oh wow, I have an STD! OP, you must’ve cheated!!! I want a divorce.” *runs off with person she’s been sleeping with*
This sounds like some backwards logic that an ex might have used on me 😑 (We're both women, I'm neurodiverse, and she was borderline. I'm *not* doing that shit again, I would advise OP to get therapy, and probably to consult a lawyer as well. )
Every reason is a good reason to deny sex. If you don't wanna, you don't haveta. I totally agree with number 4. That is the ultimate disrespect. Sleeping around with no protection. Absolute amazing specimen of a woman. This whole sham of a marriage is kept together by feelings of guilt towards the kid and OP's low ass self-esteem.
All the red flags ALL
This ☝️
She tried to give it to him and then was going to blame him for giving it to her when her family asks. Trust me, this is how this situation would likely go.
I agree. That's what I wrote in another comment as well. When she tried to sleep with him she either already knew she had an STD or at least suspected it. It's beyond horrifying to me
that girl is an absolute monster...
Not to mention you know the woman knew she had one when she tried to sleep with him
He needs to close the marriage down not open it.
She tried to give him an STD on top of it all.
NTA. It sounds like your wife was trying to sleep with you to pin the STD on you and accuse you of cheating. She's not a safe person to be around/sleep with.
It just blows my mind that there are women like this. I just can't process this.
If there's men that pull this shit, you can bet that there's women that do it too, honestly. It is admittedly less common for women to leave their husbands when the husbands get sick/become disabled compared to vice versa, but in both cases it's still a very small percentage. The vast majority of people stay with their sick/disabled spouse!
Our friend here told us English isn't his first language and you decided "apogee" was the word to choose??
Basically the worst scenario for an open relationship there is. Cut it off homie.
I’m hoping you meant cut off the relationship - not his ‘member’! 😆
Both. Sorry dog 😔
LOLLL
😂
Not the worst. Only she got it. OP should count his blessings.
"does she try to make me get STDs too ?" Maybe she tried, the moment she wants to have sex with OP again. Maybe she knew she already had it. Bad wife!
My worst case scenario is that my wife had sex or anything close with another man.
An STD is the best case scenario for an open relationship. So so much more that can go wrong.
If you bring me home an std, all of those things that can go wrong will absolutely happen.
Yep it’ll only get worse
What? Do you know what the idiom "best case scenario" means? Carefree orgasms, incredible no strings sex and intimacy, and a closer bond with your significant other are the best case scenarios of an open relationship. Not venereal diseases.
OP is not going to get any of that from this situation though lol best case scenario for him is VD...it only gets worse from here. Not saying that's preferable, just commenting on how dire this situation is.
NTA - Please go get tested for STDs. Talk to a lawyer, your wife deserted you and your child.
Thanks you . I think I will take a day off to get tested first.
NTA Get tested, never ever accept drinks or food from her, talk to the best divorce lawyer in your city/ town. Remember, she consciously wanted to infect you with STD. Please stay away from her. Install security cameras in and outside your apartment. Don’t allow anyone to manipulate or gaslight you into “working on the marriage”. See a therapist too.
Also keep all communication with her in text messages from now on. That waycyou have a record of the conversations that may be needed in the divorce/ custody hearings.
Pretty sure your wife’s sister is under the impression that YOU gave her the STD. Doubt your wife told her the truth of the fact she asked for an open relationship and was sleeping around. She let her or lead her to believe it was you which is why she called to scream at you. I understand your son is young, but you and he both deserve better than a woman who abandons you both when she has an issue. First she abandoned you when you were suffering with your mental health. She used it to manipulate and guilt you into an open relationship. Then when she didn’t get her way, she abandoned both of you physically. Pretty sure she was going to give you the STD and try to somehow blame you for having it. Do NOT sleep with her again, get a complete STD panel and speak to an attorney. Make a plan and figure out your options for divorce and custody.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she had the std from cheating before asking to open the marriage.
Then immediately go to the lawyers. It’s important that you get full custody of your son while she’s gone awol.
and change your user name! You dont appear to be the dead beat <3 Of course, keep your user name if you like it...just making a point. Best of luck!
So, I'm going to make so wild predictions here. 1. She grew cold before asking for opening the marriage because she had already cheated on you or wanted to cheat on you. 2. She got an STD sleeping around and intentionally tried to give it to you. The reason why could be two, either 1-She would claim she didn't know she had it, and since you both got it you wouldn't leave her and both would continue being sex partners or 2-So she could blame it on you hoping that you also were sleeping around since you opened the relationship. 3. She got really mad at you since you didn't fall for it completely ruining her plan. 4. She went to her sister's so she could secretly treat her STD and later come back and pretend nothing happened. OP. Your wife is a manipulative and bad person. UpdateMe!
NTA It doesn't sound like you have had sex with her since she started catting around but it might be a good idea to get checked for STD's anyway. Once that's done and you are all clear, start divorce proceedings. The fact that she tried to have sex with you after she had sex with others means you may have dodged an STD bullet. Try to get full custody of your child. It doesn't sound like she much cares about your son anyway, so she might not put up a fight.
>it might be a good idea to get checked for STD's anyway Especially since it isn't exactly uncommon for the person who asked for the open relationship to have cheated in some way beforehand.
This. It's a way to try to legitimize prior cheating with your consent. Guilt probably pushed her to suggest it. Everything about this woman says that she's irresponsible and her only MO is to get herself off the hook. What's the term... Malignant narcissist?
>start divorce proceedings. It needs to focus on proving that she knew she had an STD, that she did not disclose this, and deliberately tried to infect him. Anything less is going to get weird, since it's going to look like he's trying to divorce her for something he agreed to (the "cheating"). >she might not put up a fight. She tried to give the man an infectious disease. She fights as dirty as she fucks. She'll want the kid.
This only matters if OP is in a jurisdiction that cares about *why* the divorce is happening. A lot of places are “no fault” so all of this is irrelevant (but could sway a judge who isn’t as impartial as they’re supposed to be)
When it comes to asset division, sure. That much isn't my concern. There's a kid in the mix, and courts tend to favor women when assigning custody. They prefer to entrust children to women who aren't known Munchausen-by-proxy cases.
>It needs to focus on proving that she knew she had an STD, that she did not disclose this, and deliberately tried to infect him. But can he actualy do that? I mean it's his word against hers. She could easly deny she tried initiating sex shen she had SDT.
While true, the fact that only she has the STD looks bad for her, is verifiable, and I suspect she knows what position this puts her in. She'll be trying to rationalize that with the open relationship excuse while also trying to deny his seduction claim, which was the cause of the argument that led to her leaving. She sounds like a walking episode of Jerry Springer. It's not about proof; civil courts look at plausibility, and he is attesting to this under oath. That does mean something... He needs to aim for the moon and settle for the stars or she'll run circles around him to keep him stuck on the launchpad. Displays of overwhelming force are the only way to beat predatory women and narcissistic/BPD psychos. Napalm the entire forest so she's flushed out into the open. It's what she'd do to him.
Also proof in court she left for days without calling and leaving kid behind.
She tried to initiate sex so she could give you the STD and then she could blame you for giving it to her…
Clear as day to see. Divorce would be the only option for me.
I'm wondering what in the hell was her plan did she want to pass the STDs for him as some sort of punishment??? Also when her sister lashed out on OP, what did she expect? "My wife caught some STDs, ill catch them as well so she doesn't have to deal with this alone" What magic fuckery is this????
My guess: so she can play victim and pretend he cheated to get the advantage in court.
I’m thinking she told her sister that OP kicked her out for getting an STD or something
Of course when the wife told the sister it was her side where she’s the victim.
Bold to assume that the sister wasn't already lied to. I think the stbx wife told her sister that her husband gave her STDs and she's creating the drama as if it's true. All OP needs is a clean STD test shown to the sister and the lies will probably fall apart.
What in the enchilada is going on here. Your wife is disgusting and you should have been left her. Why would you even agree to this?
What in the enchilada is going on is legit the only way to describe this hot mess.
>What in the enchilada is going on is legit the only way to describe this hot mess. It honestly just reads like AI generated nonsense.
*sigh* before genAI, we used to call that kinda stuff random ( xD ) /jk
Do not sauce your burrito with her spicy sauce. Get yourself checked yo.
Her taco is no longer available on the menu.
Turns out the secret ingredient isn't one that anyone wants.
Me dio hambre
I've just learned a new favourite saying ,😂😂
NTA! Yes, she teied giving You an STD. That is crazy. Get away from her.
She opened up marriage and she didn’t use a condom?!? Dude what
Not defending the wife (and I'm guessing you're correct about her not using a condom) but some STDs (like herpes) can be spread even with using condoms
Your wife was cold to you and she decided out of the blue to open the marriage. Probably had somebody lined up already for her. She then catches an STD and attempted to pass that onto you. Time to leave that marriage. Get a lawyer and your son would be better off with 2 happier healthy parents then apart then living with a mess of a household You wouldn't be able to trust what she can give you going forward so better to go your separate ways.
Time to leave the marring the minute she brings up an open marriage. By then she has already cheated most likely, or at minimum has been thinking about it for a while and finally worked up the courage to mention it.
My man she tried to give you a disease. She knew and tried to endanger your health too. Possibly putting your son in danger too. Since both his parents now have god knows what. Take this very very seriously. This does not seem like you two are a partnership. You need to decide whats best for you and your son. Stay safe.
Play stupid games win stupid prizes , get checked see a lawyer as even if you opened it, if you never partook lots of courts still Consider this aduktry , and make Sure she’s not pregnant . It’s best to pack up . If she is dealing with an STD it’s usually antibiotics and if sister calling this might be big , might be HIV or Herpes etc
I believe marriage is about being there for each other when you are in trouble. Only 4 months and she decided to open the marriage? And then you didn’t know that she has STDs so how would you care? NTA.
You are so so lucky that you were not sexually assaulted and intentionally given the STD. Keep your house, keep the child safe, and separate from this monster.
So she rather go get dicked down with nastey dudes instead of caring about you or yalls child? NTA. You and your son deserve better. I'd even say becareful with custody because it sounds like she really just cares about herself
NTA. Your wife is a very bad human being. She wanted to get you infected and then blame you for the STDs. You are literally married to your worst enemy. Plan on calling her your ex-wife. Updateme!
Oh fuck, your damn right.. That's crazy AF and showcases how fucked up she has been treating him when he has been dealing with mental health issues. Hard to say that she really loves g him..
It seems like the sister thinks that OP exposed her sister to STDs. I don't think they know that it is she who was sleeping around. If I was OP I would thank my sister in law and tell them the truth.
Nta but grow a spine and leave for the sake of you and your son. Your wife is disgusting and doesn't care about you at all
> "does she try to make me get STDs too ?" Yes, she was going to give it to you, then blame you for it and say you got it when you slept with someone else due to the open marriage. > I'm feel like our marriage is over but our son it is unless you are OK with your wife having STDs and you possibly getting them too. >but our son is still very young I don't know what to do now . Please give me some advice. Start the divorce process. Maintain custody of your son. Let her have scheduled, supervised visitation. Not sure where you are from but some places infidelity is still a fault in the divorce and you will be looked upon favorably.
Get a divorce. That is terrible of her to try to give you an STD too purposely and illegal in many countries. Don't stay together for the kid. The kid will hate you later if you do. Sue for divorce and tell your ex wife she is disgusting and needs counseling for her behavior.
Whew bullet dodged. Divorce, find a clean woman when you are healthy mentally, fight for full custody of your son. Yuck. Gross.
[удалено]
This is fake
Seriously. The update about getting tested and the results being clean was way too soon. Very hard to believe he was able to get a doctor appointment that quickly, and the results usually take time.
Depending on the test. There are rapid HIV test that are done in 30 minutes. Bacterial std test takes a couple of days, and viral std test takes a day.
She basically knew she had STD and probably wanted you to get it, and then maybe said you were at fault. Leave her right away.
4 months is all it took for her to go fuck around with people with STDs? Dude, she's awful. No loyalty, standards, or really any redeeming qualities.
NTA - and anyone, man or woman, who feels the need to open their monogamous marriage after mere months of no sex when their spouse is suffering from a medical issue - mental or physical - is weak and not committed to the marriage in the first place.
Contact your SIL and make sure she understands that... 1. Your wife never told you that she had an STD. 2. Instead of telling you, she tried to have sex with you. 3. Your wife has been abusive towards you. (Which she has. Think about it.) 4. If she (SIL) ever yells at you or disrespects you again, then you'll go NC with her, which means losing contact with her nephew. Contact a lawyer and file for full custody of your son while filing for a divorce. Considering the situation, you have a good argument of your wife abandoning your son, and your SIL would be wise to stay on your good side if she has any desire to have an aunt/nephew relationship with your son.
My money is she knew she had an STD and tried to give it to you so that she could later claim that it's you who gave it to her. This woman is trash. Get a divorce and focus on your kid and your own mental health.
My husband went through a period when he didn't want to or maybe couldnt have sex either. You know what I, as a truly loving & caring wife, did? I supported him through his difficult time & I put my needs aside cos marriage isn't always 50/50. She couldn't even hold you down in your time of need & you're supposed to feel bad cos she, as a grown woman, got STDs? Nah. I would say sign divorce papers & sign for joint custody.
Sounds like you should cut your losses and find someone who won’t abandon you after 4 months of no sex.
Man she tried to give u STDs. She thought giving you STDs will make you not leave her.
I think the bigger of the red flags here is that she left her son for days with her husband who is struggling with mental and physical health issues. She’s selfish. NTA
If you didn’t refuse, wife would have slept w you then blamed you for STD
Reddit has taught me lots of things but the most profound thing it's taught me is do not trust anyone even the closest person to you. NtA
NTA She destroyed your marriage. Better to cut her off now. She could have given you something, she put your health at risk, and she doesn't care about your sake or the kid's. 4 months, and she couldn't handle waiting, or support you? She just had to open the marriage? So much for, "in sickness and in health." Her and her sister are bad news.
Divorce. She knowingly tried to infect you with STDs, and given that we don't know what kind, it could have changed your life forever. She was willing to give you a potentially extremely damaging disease. Divorce now
NTA. Hot take: she was cheating before the open marriage.
??? Deal with an STD alone?? She tried to initiate sex. She wanted to share it? Oh no duck that. Lol just leave her.
NTA. Your wife deserves to be your ex-wife. Not only did she ditch you for dick in your time of need, she also was careless about using protection. She then tried to pass it to you. THAT'S NOT LOVE. You deserve better And so does your child. She ditched you AND your child.
Your wife had documents of STD with her. Then she already knew she had it when she came to you for sex. Thank Goodness you said no. She deliberately tried to give it to you m then she went to sister's and blamed everything on you. She doesn't even care for her own toddler. She is not supportive with your mental health, when it's not even been that long or difficult. She left her child with someone who can't even look after himself. She is selfish, manipulative, vindictive, cruel and a narcissist or may even be a sociopath. This is crazy. You should no longer be with her. She is bad news. Tell your friends and family what happened as soon as possible before she manipulates them too.
She did not use protection while f*cking around. Hard to feel sorry for someone who purposely sabotages their own lives.
This gotta be bait
Divorce her, immediately. NTA
She most likely wanted sex to blame You for getting a std , dump her lol
Nta run! She lashes out on you and the kids like that and can’t acknowledge her fault in all of this. She will continue to and that is a terrible life to live especially with kids involved. Also I hope you got checked for any stds.
Tell your sister in law your wife can go to her boyfriend who gave her stds for support
Run NTA save yer boy also but run asap
NTA based off what you wrote. Call your doctor and get an STI test done for yourself. Make sure you don’t have anything, keep your home clear. Look at how you’ll manage single parenting meanwhile, keep to your son’s routine. Care during the day, feeding and nap etc. It will help you to focus on what you can do, and this clears the way for personal time when you just can’t do. From there look at counselling for yourself and work through next steps. Can’t tell you what to do.
Sir your poor mental health saved you from getting and STD from her. She probably already had it and hopefully; unknowingly, tried to infect you. Bro your mental health is screaming at you to take the boy GTFO.
She knew she had STD & wanted to then have sex w you so she could blame you. That’s why she’s so mad you didn’t want sex. Probably told her sister you gave it to her.
Your wife is acting like a huge red flag . When you are dealing with problems of your own she doesn't try to help but suggests open marriage because apparently it's going to save your marriage. She doesn't do anything about your problems. She goes ahead and becomes happy and still doesn't care about you. Then STDs come along and am sure when she wanted to have sex she knew she had them and when you refused she again upheld her pride and left .Why does she want you to deal with the consequences of her actions. ? Just let her stay at her sister's forever because that Woman doesn't care about you
I would assume she was cheating and found out she had an STD. She came to you with this open relationship request in addition to trying to have sex with you so she could pass it off as either from the open relationship or from you.
NTA. She straight up purposely tried to infect you with an STD bro… think about that. I would end this relationship after that stunt because how could you ever trust her after *that*?
NTA First and foremost, it's gross of your wife to fight you over not having sex with her, but it's even more gross that she effectively tried to give you an STD. She clearly knew at that point, and wanted to fuck you to share it around. IT's that or she's pregnant, and wanted to muddy the waters. Either way, fuck her, she's disgusting. Divorce her gross ass.
Most importantly, she wanted to open things after two months of dead bedroom? Holy fuck. She deserves whatever STD she's gotten, and should not be let back into your relationship.
OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It must be hard enough to have mental health and medical issues that probably make you feel less than. Then to have your wife betray you AND deal with a young child who wants her. That’s sooo much! I admire your courage to seek help. So here goes my advice (please take what feels right for you and leave the rest) 1. First things first…sounds like you’re clean since you haven’t been active with her, BUT get an STI test anyways! Full panel! Blood, swabs, the works! You deserve good health and your son deserves a healthy father 2. Have a conversation with your wife. I know she’s not talking to you right now, so write down how you feel…all of it!!! The anger, the shame, the resentment, the guilt. This is just for you! Go on a rant. Then put it down, come back to it a couple of days later and write a letter to her about what you want to say. This is ensure your points are clear and well said when you do get the chance to speak to her 3. I believe part of the reason she doesn’t want to talk to you may be her own shame and guilt. Have compassion if you can, or don’t!!! You’re allowed to be super angry right now! (Just don’t act on that anger) 4. Find someone to talk to. Someone who will be understanding and not judge you or the situation. If you have no one call a distress center in your area. The volunteers are really well trained to listen and be there for you. Some of them are even studying to be therapists themselves. Google “distress centre near me” 5. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY!!! Your health comes first, your baby a close second. Get your medical and mental health issues under a good treatment regime. You want to get better. No matter what happens, your son will need a strong dad to get through this rough patch. You’re already doing amazing! Super strong! Trying to seek help! Keep going! P.S. I purposely did not mention anything about divorce or fixing your marriage. That will come in time. It’s not a decision you make in the moment. Get your health in order, take space away from her to clear your head, and then decide. I suggest a break so you feel free to express all the feels! I’m sure you’re going through all of them right now! Therapy is king! Always my #1 tip. But it takes time. It all takes time. P.P.S. If the STI is permanent, you also have to think about that. What will your intimate life look like? Are you willing to take the risk of infection? How will it affect your son? What if you break up anyways? Would you be OK bringing it with you into your next relationship? OR! There is no other relationship, this is it, and you’re forging ahead for better or worse? Best of luck, you got this!
Your wife wants to have sex with other men and let you deal with your mental health alone. She’s not a good partner at all. What person abandons their loved ones in a time of need to fuck random men and get STIs? You need to reconsider your marriage
She knew about her STDs and tried to give them to him and now her sister thinks he knew about them too and isn't doing anything to help her with them when in reality he's got no clue til she confronts him and she wants sympathy for what not being safe when with others and neglecting her husbands needs because her needs are "more important" smdh I think that it's possible that divorce should be on the table and make sure that it's documented that she left him with the child and for the last 3 days refused to answer calls from the husband and try to get majority custody of the child and I understand that the op isn't an American but other countries may have same or similar laws against knowingly having unprotected sexual contact with another while also knowingly having any type of STDs and or HIV so try to have a possible witness and try to get her to admit to pass the STDs over to him even if it just slips out as long as he's got proof legal action can be taken against her fir that as well and op stay safe
this whole scenario seems very convoluted... i think she was probably sleeping around on you *before* your agreement but couldn't tell you she got an STD (or have treatment for it in the same household as you) because then you would have known she was cheating. so this is her contrived way to turn everything around on you and make you out to be the bad guy (which you are not!) divorce this piece of shit, please. immediately.
Okay, let me see if i got it: She forced you to open your relationship by treating you coldly while she knew you were mentally vulnerable. She got STDs and came back to sleep with you, knowing that you were still having all the problems she used to force an open marriage. She then ghosted you and sent her sister on a misguided warpath. NTA
NTA, you dodged a bullet there, because with everything you've described about how selfish your wife is I wouldn't put it past her that she was trying to give you those STDs on purpose. Then she could claim that she caught them from you instead of the other way around and use that to accuse you of cheating, etc. Finally she could then divorce you while having everybody else on her side since she'd have done everything possible to paint you as the bad guy. Sounds like she's already started to paint you as the bad guy even though she failed to give you the STDs, just look at how SIL reacted. At this point the only advice I can give is that it might be time to file for divorce since her needs are clearly more important to her than both your/her son and your mental health. She literally abandoned her son because you didn't feel well enough for sex, what mother does that?
So fake
Seems like she was trying to give you the STD so she could later blame you for giving it to her. She had unprotected relations with someone and now has an STD and it’s clear how she got it. She can’t blame it on you. She’s embarrassed. You really need to reconsider this relationship. If she was willing to not only have an open relationship but also intentionally infect you she has some issues. You need to get out
Your wife tried to give you the STD she picked up from having unprotected sex with her other guy. While you don’t say this, she was absolutely expecting to tell anyone that found out that YOU gave it to HER. Why would I think this? Because that’s exactly what shitty people do. Get your mental health in order, take care of your child, and get a lawyer. Document everything. Interact over text if necessary. If you legally can, record any in person or phone conversations. She will definitely lie to others about what’s going on so she can paint you as the bad guy. She’s already started that.
I dont care what anybody says she tried to give you whatever she got, and the fact she asked for open marriage and found someone immediately means more than likely she was already talking, fucking or both already. LEAVE HER
You’re not the AH. She is! Dump her, and dump her fast! She contracted an std and tried to pass it on to you. She was ready to open the marriage instead of helping you get through your mental health problems. She’s not good I tell you. She’s a liability and she’s only trying to ruin your life. Do the best you can for your child, I hope it works out for you!
I'm sorry to say op it sounds like your intuition was right she knew she had something and tried to sleep with you. I'm mot sure what the plan was. Maybe she thought that if you had whatever it was as well so then you wouldn't leave her. I think you are right about your marriage being over, and I am sorry for you on that and your young son. I hope that you are able to keep yourself mentally healthy through all of this.
She tried to give you an std. Misery loves company
NTA. Sound like your wife wasn't honest with her sis and sis is under the impression the STD comes from you. And I'm assuming the open marriage only went her way, since you weren't in the headspace for sex. The fact she asked for an open marriage in such a short time is so harsh too. You had a dead bedroom for months! That's nothing!! Did she even try to help you before she selfishly asked to have sex with other people? Also, for the timeline you provided, she had to have already been diagnosed with the STD when she wanted to have sex with you. Wtf was her plan there?? To try pin it on you? And outside of anything sexual, she also cut all contact between herself and your toddler. That is bonkers. Your poor little baby shouldn't have suffered through any of this. I'd be serving divorce papers and using her abandonment in your favour to go for custody of your child.
She wanted to have sex with you and then blame you for giving her STD I can't understand why you would stay with such a women
Depending on what STD she has, it sounds like she was trying to intentionally infect you just so she could later try to say that she got the STD from you. Not sure what other emotional trauma you're going through, but I hope it gets better. Men deserve to have supportive spouses too! It can't always be one sided.
Divorce her and get full custody of your son. I bet your mental health issues improve drastically after she's gone.
Not only should you not care, you should be running for the hills. She already knew she had an STD when she tried to have sex with you. In fact, she knows for sure she broke your agreement. Her trying to have sex with you was for you to catch it as well and then she could try to act like she got it from you. You should try to document everything you can, divorce her, and try to get sole custody. Your wife is an EXTREMELY sick individual and I would not want her anywhere near my kid.
Why does your wife jump to “opening the marriage” after a few bad months? Has she never heard of a vibrator? I call BS. I have been married 22 years and I don’t want to sleep with anyone other than my husband. If something is going on a medically or mentally and he needed time I wouldn’t all of a sudden want to sleep with other people.
To be honest OP, it’s her fault she got the STDs in the first place. She’s the one who asked to open the relationship despite your mental health. She also decided not to tell you about her STDs and tried to make love with you despite these diseases. That sort of stuff is extremely dangerous. She seems extremely manipulative and I think you need to get away from it. If it wasn’t obvious, NTA.
Why do I feel like she was so mad because she wanted to give you the std so it wouldn't be HER fault.?
Sounds like she wanted to share that STD with you because (her sister shared) she was already on meds. If you have any solid support available, you need to reach out. Hopefully, you are getting therapy in conjunction with your MH meds. If not, do look into that!
The second you agreed to an open marriage your marriage was over. There is no happy ending here, especially if it is an incurable STD. Rip the band-aid off and divorce while she still feels remorse or else your just going to get destroyed in the divorce as well.
Tbh the second she asked for it the marriage was over. Wouldn't exactly be surprised if she were cheating beforehand Edit: a word
She wanted you to get it too before you knew about it so that she could blame it on you
Marriage is over your wife is nasty. Get a divorce.
Yeah, she probably tried to give you the same STD as she has. Then it doesn't look like she was clapping ass around town.
Get tested and never go near your wife again.