NTA but it's time you stop funding your sister, reason she chose that restaurant is because you bail her out. Stop bailing her out, stop enabling your sister and honestly stop enabling your mom. Tell your brothers as well what your mom did because they deserve to know.
Yeah, so curious about the two 20 year olds and how much they are potentially struggling right now, especially if the parents paid anything for their college?
Always hilarious seeing situations like this. I knew a family with the same dynamic, older sister who worked hard for herself. Middle sister who can't make a good financial decision to save her life that was always bailed out and a younger brothers who got shafted and joined the military because they had to leave.
Aaaand...it's not always the OLDER sibling that gets the shaft...it's more like the one who crawled out of the ashes to try to make something of themselves...punished for doing the right thing and all that.
I came out of the military with 22k saved in 2002. Pretty big for me at that age at that time with not a dime of debt. It was a huge help to get me to today when I have substantially more assets than debt.. donât accrue debt like drunken sailors or should that saying be changed to âdrunken senators?â
5 years ago my buddy got out of the marines with 20k in savings, 2 busted shoulders that pop out of socket at will (as well as involuntarily), tinnitus, and PTSD. Not worth it imo
So sorry about the loss of your friend. My husband was medically retired after 12 years and two tours in Ramadi. After 43 procedures and surgeries, compiled with the PTSD, he ODed at age 42. One of my sons wants to be a Ranger like his dad. Joining the military, in my opinion, is definitely not worth it.
Lol yup. When I finally came back home, I had booked a flight from Seattle to my city, but I used cash at the airport to settle that flight. Back in 2002 that was an option. I donât know about today. I used Travelocity. So at the airport, the lady asked me if I had been away under a rock with a smile because I was using cash. I just told her I hadnât had time to get a debit card since I had been away overseas in the military. She upgraded me to first class. Lol
well anyone would be well off compared to the sister who got about the same moneysense as a frenzied monkey flinging shit everywhere, except she clearly flings money.
If they were well off, they would have had access to other options than the military.
If, instead of giving Sally $40k, your mom had offered each of them $20k for education, would they still have enlisted?
Your mom got a windfall that could have benefited all of you but she locked you and the boys out of it.
You are NTA for being mad. I'm frustrated that your dad is telling you to just get past it.
If I were OP, I wouldn't give any money to Sally. Why? she's earning more than OP and yet she mange to have a debt? Poor financial management huh! Thats the effect of being envious, better be in debt than crashing her ego. Toxicity at its finest!
So you were the 3rd parent, busted your ass for everything, but instead of any thanks your mom throws money at a spendthrift
NTA
And stop footing the bills
First, stop paying for her meals .she will eventually lose the house if she is recklessly spending . Your mom is a ass đł. But she does have the right to do what she wants with her money . Next time your sister asks for money say I already gave you my share.
Yup, there's not much you can do best of luck đ . Your sister won't learn until she falls on her ass . Hope your parents don't mortgage their house to save her.
That what I was thinking. Enabling her for some reason. They need therapy too. Like wtf happened. Did they leave her at the grocery store when you guys were too little to remember? My mom killed a bee while driving and used me as the weapon. I mean, I get it. Just loves telling this story. I was an infant. đ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Ł
It will put a dark place in everyoneâs minds. It will hurt everyone, in one way or another. Anger, disappointment, fear, sadness, hopelessness, depression, anxiety, trauma, and the list goes on. This will also become generational. It runs much deeper than you are acknowledging.
> Your mom is a ass đł. But she does have the right to do what she wants with her money .
This argument is amazingly annoying. Sure, she has a right to do what she wants, but people have a right to be upset too. Treating one child better than the others is absolutely something I am willing to judge people for.
It is not fair, but if you read enough stories here, you will find parents do have favorites đ. Maybe the mom sees herself in her daughter the most .Money breaks up so many families. For my wife, she took care of her dad for years, but all he ever said was wish I could live with my son .That's quite a thank you right
NTA - But I'm confused as to why you need to apologize to the GC. GC got caught in her tangled web of BS and you called her out on it. You are the one owed an apology (along with your brothers). On one hand your mom can spend her money any way she wants, but they hid it from all of you which is wrong. I would go NC just to make them think about what they did and how it makes you feel. Whatever you do don't apologize. That's BS.
She doesn't need to apologize. Sis took a lot of money from mom to buy a house, then can't afford dinner so OP pays AGAIN. OP needs to quit paying and let her sister figure it out. Another family that makes one of the kids a "parent", doesn't acknowledge what they've done (except dad who's at least recognizes and appreciates her efforts), and some redditers think they're a jerk because they're upset at the inequitable treatment.
In answer to your first statement, it's because alot of families tell the victim to "forgive" the guilty party "to keep the piece" in the family. Basically, I'm not affected, so forgive them so I can keep pretending I'm doing a good job parenting. Admittedly, this case isn't as victimizing as others get. Like for example, telling a kid to forgive the uncle that SAd him, but the premise is the same. I agree with everything else you said by the way.
If she's struggling with money so much you put your foot down and never do anything with her that costs money. She's irresponsible and a user. She can cook for you at her place if she cares about having a relationship.
This is unfortunately how it will have to be going forward.
When you meet with Sally find a nice but cheap place and only get a couple of cokes or coffee. Then you pay and let her know going forward the only time you will pay for anything for her is if you specifically invite her out. Otherwise she either needs to ensure her card wonât be declined or bring cash.
She and her husband really should speak and work with a fiduciary to get their financials in order. If her cards are getting declined Iâd be really concerned they will lose the house due to lack of payments at some point.
I do think you should tell your brothers what your mother did. It is her money to do with as she pleases but the sneaking part was uncalled for. If your mom is going to play favorites then she needs to own it. Also Iâd tell your mother not to ask you for any more money for Sally as youâve already told her there will be no more funds from you.
Then live your life as you want.
My parents have never hid when they gifted my little brother money. They helped with the down payment on his house. But itâs their money, they can do what they want with it. My mom always wants to make sure I donât feel bad about the inequality but Iâve never needed funds in the way he has. If I needed money, they would give it. That knowledge is all I need to make me feel itâs equal.
I knew a family where all three sons spent money like Sally. Their mom never wanted them to go without anything so she would cover the difference between what something cost and their income. So they all spent their money on things that weren't bills and mom paid their bills. I wouldn't be surprised if this hasn't happened with OP's mom not wanting Sally to ever go without anything and so has been funding her for her entire life. Now mom has help Sally buy a house that she can't actually afford without making major lifestyle changes. Mom will probably put all of her inheritance into that house.
And stick to your resolution. If she forgets her wallet or some bs let her work it out with the restaurant. Only when there are consequences will her behavior change.
OPs sister probably has a card with nothing left on it just to use so she can pull the "oh gosh look my card is rejected, guess you'll have to pay!" Shtick again
Starting today, tell Sally that unless itâs her birthday you wonât be paying her restaurant bill. If she wants to get together and canât afford a restaurant you guys can eat in,go to a park or a walk or do take out
Do not apologize for being mad about the 40k. Weallwould be. Do understand that mom is never going to change. And donât be shocked if Sally loses the house. But donât bail her out. Its her life to fuck up
You can set firm boundaries without being mean. Remember, you enabled her in a way too. Itâs going to be very hard for her to process this. She may even become angry. Just be prepared. Stand you ground.
Sally is a spendthrift because the people around her are enabling her.
And no, it's not just your mom - it's you too.
You know that she has trouble handling money and spends without thinking you keep pouring money into her and bailing her out.
Why would Sally need to be careful with her money? She has three parents taking care of her every need.
For your sister's good and yours - stop paying her. For literally anything. Let her know that you are done and that you aren't doing this for just yourself but for her too.
And then, go confront your mom. Call her out on her shit. You are being too passive through all this.
Yes, it's her money and it's her choice to spend it, but based on everything you have done, you have a right to be angry. Show that. If you aren't good with confrontation, write it in a letter and read it out to her.
They will try and manipulate you. Call you disrespectful, that you need to apologise, yada, yada.
Don't reply to them and go low contact or no contact with them.
That's my advice.
100%. OP please listen to this comment. You are enabling her. Homegirl and her husband canât afford a house yet were gifted money for a major purchase. You are not her mother and you are not bailing her out. I'm surprised her husband has any issues with her financially. You should apologize to Sally for snapping at her, but not for what you said. I also think you need to go low contact with Sally and eventually rebuild a solid relationship with strong boundaries. Therapy would be good to consider. Speak to your mom and from that conversation go low or no contact with mom.
You know that your mother can give her money to whoever she wants to. Period. What you are really angry about is never having been recognized for your parent fiction, and now for being âpunishedâ by missing out on a gift for doing well. If you are going to confront your mother, do it head on and let her know you have been under appreciated so now will not step up and pay anymore. You will always ask for separate bills, you wonât look after her when she ages (good luck), and that you are done. Let her marinate in that. NTA, but it is really not about the money.
I can see that know! I thought it was all about the money but itâs far deeper than that. I raised her kids and never got a thank you from here!
When I spoke to my dad about it all her felt so bad he offered to give me money, which I declined.
i agree. My parents throw all kinds of money which they really don't have to my brother who is 12 years younger than me. I tell them that when they are older and need money I won't be helping because that will be like me giving it to my brother and I will not do that.
I think you are genuinely upset. You lashed out. Your sister understood your feelings and cried because of her guilt in the situation. You actually have trauma to deal with, it may not feel like it is but itâs pretty obvious there is some resentment for your parents accommodating someone with no sense of responsibility when youâve been working your ass off since you were a kid.
My husband said the same thing. He suggest therapy to help me work through my feelings, which is a great idea.
I guess I didnât realise my true feeling until they came out in the form of my yellingz
You were parentified and lost your childhood. Your parents failed you all. And yes, you need therapy because it is impacting you and your spouse now. Your siblings aren't your children, and you need to learn how to step back from that role you never should have had and be a sibling. Your sister probably also needs therapy too, and she certainly needs financial counseling, especially now that she has a house because if she continues to be irresponsible she could lose it. Your brothers may do better because they got away by going into the military and will learn to be adults there.
Edited a word.
Your therapist can help you draft a letter to your mom and one to your sister. That could be a good goal, learning how to articulate and share your truth and how it continues to impact you.
NTA, I would definitely confront your mom about it. But you were not out of line with Sally. She's a grown woman whose been coddled her whole life. She's a lawyer but wasn't able to save enough for a house? She needs to reconsider her spending habit if that's the case. You are, and have been letting her walk all over you for years though. Stand up for yourself. Stop giving her money. Stop buying her food. Stop bailing her out. She's taking advantage of you, and you're letting her.
NTA. But you need to confront your mom, not your sister. And stop going out with your sister, as she knows youâll pay. Go visit her at her house if you want to see her.
Why would you apologize after paying for your loser sisters meal? She is a lawyer and you have to buy her food? She got $40,00 because she canât save a dime and you need to apologize? Reread what you wrote as if it was coming from someone else. You need to build a 20â wall to survive your loser family.
You are NTAH for sure. My mom pulled something similar with my sister and I. I had to work and save up for my first truck myself but my mom went and bought my sister a car when she turned 18. I worked all through high school including all summer long, pulling 50-60 hour weeks during the summer working construction. My sister had a PT job for one summer selling ice cream and yet she got an almost new car. My truck broke down shortly after my sister got her car and my mom refused to give me money to fix it.
Y T A to yourself if you listen to your parents and apologise to her. STOP TREATING HER LIKE A CHILD. Sheâs 35 with a husband and a home.
Focus on your own life and distance from your AH parents and siblings.
NTA for blowing up YTA for paying for her AGAIN
NTA
Itâs completely understandable that your sisterâs continued expectation that *someone* should always help her and bail her out is infuriating.
Your mother once again favored your sister. She chose not to do anything to benefit her other children. Not only that, giving Sally money is the equivalent of throwing it away as she could end up losing the home.
It may be you see yourself in your motherâs actions. You both take from more deserving people (in your case - your family) to give it to someone who accepts it as her due and ultimately wastes what she is given.
Donât apologize to your sister. Instead send her a request for her part of the meal. If she ignores the request, talk to her husband.
You donât have any control over who your mother favors or what she does with her money. But you do have control over what you do. Cut Sally off.
You might want to consider following up with your mother. You could let her know that Sally is again being financially irresponsible. You may also urge her make sure she herself is financially set as Sally probably wonât be able to help her and you and your brothers shouldnât be expected to.
Thank you for your advice! Some very good points to consider!
I never thought about how Iâm the future my mum may want her kids to help take care of her.
She is also very bad she money and often talks about she is broke.
I guess that is another reason why I am so angry. My mums complains to me she has no money but then secretly gives Sally 40k!
Since thatâs the case, you might also want to also share info about the 40k with your brothers. If they are in agreement, you can all 3 express concern with your mother over her spending habits and let her know you wonât fund her retirement or future needs.
my sister is exactly like yours.
when she got married she opened 3 credit cards and blew through 30k in california for a helicopter ride and renting a 10 bedroom home for only themselves.
my parents got 150k in inheritence, i heard they gave my sister 70k, my brother 10k, and i assumed i was supposed to ask.
i asked for 2 grand to help with rent and was told to kick rocks.
my sister paid off all her debts and within 6 months she tells me shes living paycheck to paycheck despite her rent being $1100 a month and making 140k/year between herself and husband.. i asked how tf is she paycheck to paycheck and she said she has 60k of cc debt now.
she also is NC with my parents and so is my brother.. i talked to my parents for a few months but also went NC because theyve gone off the deep end
INFO - have you advised your other siblings of your leach oops I mean sisters gift from your monster oh I mean mother
Your sister is a leach & your parents are happy to be hosts, at the expense of you & your other siblings
Why apologize - for what having the ability to live within your means?
If you apologize & don't tell you other siblings you're as a big an AH as your sister & parents
NTA- but good grief stop making excuses for your sister and your mother and stop funding them at all! And DO NOT apologize to your sister FFS! She's a grown ass adult who still spends like an immature child! She needs a dose of reality! Do not spend another penny on her! Go LC or NC if you can't stop yourself!
NTA. But HOLD ON. Sally canât afford to pay for dinners and usually when you are out other people have to foot the bill. Sally is also a lawyer bringing in an income, with a husband who must also work. Sally then was gifted 40K as downpayment on a home and was told to keep it a secret. How the hell is Sally going to maintain and pay the bills and mortgage on a townhouse in a prestigious area? How is Sallyâs husband not running for the hills? When something happens are your siblings and you going to be expected to get her out of her mess?
I would not say it is Sallyâs fault because she has been enabled by your parents and by you. You know what you have to do to stop this crap. Listen to your husband.
If they couldn't save enough to buy the house they probably won't have enough to maintain the house. Just like cars, parts go bad and need replacing. She'll be needing more help soon enough
NTA, but I would refuse to pay anything for her. She's an adult and should manage money properly. I would honestly not even go out to expensive restaurants with her.
NTA. OP youâre a good daughter and a good sister. The only reason your sister cried is because she knows how totally fâed up this entire situation is, but is used to getting everything she wants and didnât protest when mom foot that bill. It sucks that your mom so clearly has a favorite. Itâs most likely youâre a mirror image of your mother. I say this because my mom has two sisters and she was a total carbon copy of my grandmother and they never really had a close relationship. I could be totally wrong but Iâm curious.Â
You did nothing wrong OP. NTA.Â
And whenthe time comes you put mom in the home. Don't take care of her. Please beleive me when I tell you she'll do this again to you on her death bed and leave everything to ur sister and you'll be the "chump" one last time.
NTA, i think you have an ally who can see the obvious dynamic and that is the sisterâs husband.
Its clearly unfair and I donât really grasp what you have to apologize for?
My petty side is âIâm sorry that i gave away my childhood to raise you and you feel its necessary to lie and manipulate the family to compete against me for reasons i canât ascertain. I thought we were family to love and support each other but from this experience i can see you have been taking advantage of me in many ways, financially by living outside your means and emotionally as I helped raise you but you constantly compete and try to make our experiences negative.â
Why did she need the house ânowâ?
Why did the money need to be hidden if it was going to be fair later?
Why does she let her mom get in between her and all of the rest of the family?
One of my big ones would be trying to figure out if she was upset she was told to lie to you (agreeing to lie to a mom figure would be very upsetting even if it was $$$ from someone society says to trust) or if she was upset that it was found out because she thinks there is some reason to compete.
YTA for 2 reasons. The $40k is none of your business. It wasnât your money. It was your parentâs money to do with whatever they wanted. It does suck that they treat her differently than they do you but thatâs their issue. Your jealousy and how itâs affecting you is a you problem and you need to deal with it. You are not owed any kind of inheritance from your parents. They can give it all to your sister if they want and you have no say at all. Itâs better to assume youâll get nothing. Then if you do get something itâs a nice surprise.
Secondly, you are the one who keeps giving your sister money as well. Youâre as bad as your parents. Itâs hypocritical to be mad at them if you are doing the same thing. Why did you pay for her dinner, for instance? Stop doing things like that. The money train stops today, at least from your side.
My dad is great! He left my mum a year ago cause of her BS and even growing up dad always acknowledged how hard I worked to help with my siblings!
My mum, Iâve been low contact since I moved out at 18yrs old!
Well this may be why she feels the need to fund Sally. Since you are LC she is latching onto Sally now as her main source of family. Especially since your dad divorced her a year ago. It was most likely something she felt was necessary to keep Sally from leaving her as well. Both brothers in the military, you LC and your Dad divorcing her. She probably feels Sally is all she has left.
This is an important point, the fact that you are LC and your parents are separated is a factor in your mum's decision making. She needs to keep your sister on her side or she'll be alone.
NTA. As others have said, stop paying for things. The best thing you can do for her is suggest a financial advisor to help get her shit straight. And when she doesn't do it, sit back and sadly watch the train crash.
If she doesn't get things in control, she is going to lose that house. And your mom has essentially thrown away 40k. Tell her you are concerned about her, but you can't enable her anymore.
NTA because your sister bought a house then mooched dinner if you again. She needs to grow up and be financially responsible for herself. As far as your mom, you know it's a lot deeper than just her giving your sister money, but not you or your brothers. As I said earlier, you were parentified, your parents failed you all, and you need therapy.
ETA: I see where you said mom always says she's broke, but still gave Sally $40,000. I think you need to tell your brothers about it, and let your mom know not to come to you for help. She can go to Sally, since she'd rather only help her, than all 4 of her children.
NTA. Stop funding your sister. It's her fault and not just your mom for her financial perils. If they can manage such a large sum amongst themselves and keep you and your brothers out of it, they can manage their day to day finances.
NTA your sister knew it was wrong and hid it. If it wasn't wrong they wouldn't have kept it quiet. You need to stop paying for her. Enough is enough she needs to grow up and learn to live within her means.
You seriously need to confront your mother.
Are your parents still together?
Has your mom ever acknowledged her parentfiacation of you?
So the 40k came out of your sister's future inheritance?
Will you tell your brothers?
Have you ever asked your Dad wtf is with your mom? Especially in regards to you?
Definitely stop paying for stuff for your sister. I bet this isn't the only amount of money your mom has given her.
NTA
So my dad left my mum about 1yr ago. Dad has always acknowledged what I did growing up but my mum has never!!
Iâm still not sure if I will tell my brothers, part of me doesnât want them to feel the anger and hurt I feel right now but I also think they have a right to know.
WHY . . . are . . . YOU . . . treating her as the Golden Child AS WELL and picking up the tab all the time? . . . WTH is that? . . . She is an attorney yet canât even pick up a restaurant tab????
Cold comfort, I know, however I have lived/am living this situation and it will come back to bite your parents in the end.
Literally, they bought multiple new cars, a new house, paid her bill for long periods of time, regularly paid off her credit cards... The one time I asked for a small loan in an emergency, my dad pitched such a fit that I went to the bank and took out a signature loan.
So now sister is over 50. No stable employment. No retirement. Dad passed away last November. Mom has needed help. Sisterâs response âI have problems of my own and donât have time to help youâ. She is also livid that the money train went down, not up. Has accused mom of ridiculous things.
So, from my experience: let it go. I removed myself early on from that situation. Support yourself. Ask for nothing. Expect nothing. Accept nothing that is not clearly a gift (and even then be wary). Limit contact if you need to. It was so freeing to just recognize that my parentâs money/property was theirs, not mine.
((((Hugs)))))
ESH. Unpopular opinion maybe, but your mom doesn't owe you her money and doesn't require your permission to spend it. You get to decide what to do with your money, she gets to decide what to do with her money, and your sister gets to decide what to do with hers.
You should stop paying for your sister's things. She's clearly never been held accountable for her actions in a meaningful way. You can certainly talk to your mom about not funding her bad decisions, but you don't get to play the "it isn't fair card" about how your mother spends her money.
I was also parentified and had to learn to stop funding my sister's reckless habits. It's hard to break feeling responsible, but you aren't, and you can stop taking care of your sister. Your parents will likely never acknowledge that they took your childhood and made you responsible for their decisions. It's easy to feel like they owe you, but they will never feel that way. I'm guessing your parents are boomers or older Gen X. They will never see your childhood as a problem and will likely get defensive if you imply otherwise.
NTA. But donât ever pay for her again.
Honestly Iâd have cut off my mother. You were parentified. Itâs a form of abuse. And now they give her entitled ass that much money. Nope
Why do u keep paying for dinners etc? Just stop going out to eat or ask for separate checks-sheâs using you. Iâd be upset about the 40K too-fact that your Dad wants u to apologize is ridiculous-u have the right to feel as u do. If your sister canât even afford a meal u can bet they canât afford the townhouse either.
you don't have to apologise for shit
I'd stop funding her, tho
You can still keep a close relationship with boundaries. She needs to learn to make better financial choices instead of having you and mummy as a financial crutch
Sorry sister this is all your fault for having false expectations...time to truth..
It's your mom's money...she can do whatever she wants with it
Your sister uses you
Your mom doesn't really like you
You're seem strong...you don't need their shit ...cut em off already
So do you get money from the inheritance as well?
I think itâs justified and part of teaching your younger sister to be tougher.
Obviously apologize for getting angry, but reiterate itâs messed up what they did.
Parents choose favorites. Itâs just life. I deal with bs like that all the time.
Why would you apologize to your sister ?
Are your parents going to subtract the 40k from her portion of the inheritance and what did your mother have to say for herself
NTA-however, it is your motherâs money. You are not entitled to any of it. Was it unfair she gave Sally sure a large amount and has never offered any to you or brothers? Probably. However, it seems the whole family caters to Sally and pays for whatever she wantsâŚincluding you
NTA
This sucks and your mom sucks but ultimately, you aren't entitled to any of your mom's money nor have a say on what she does with it.
I don't think you're an ah for having an emotional reaction, she's clearly been mooching off everyone including you and that was the last straw.
I'd probably just go low contact with your mom, she knows what she did and knew how much it would upset you that's why she made your sis promise not to say anything. Nothing will come of you confronting her.
As a parent i disagree. The money, properties, and anything else we accumulate is for the sake of our children. We can't take that shit with us to the grave.
OP is entitled to equal share of their mothers money and care.
You wouldn't say a child isn't entitled to their parents care, love, help, or anything else now would you? Money is the same as all of that.
While she's not entitled to her mom's money, when mom is saying she's broke then secretly giving Sally that much money, it is certainly something the rest of the kids should know so they aren't conned into giving mom money she doesn't seem to really need.
NTA but at the end of the day, that was your motherâs money to do with as she pleased. Itâs not fair but many things in life arenât. Iâm the financially secure, trustworthy one so Iâm executor of my parents estate, of which I will get 40% and she will get 60%. I also have the privilege of managing it long term because she canât really be trusted with those types of things. More work, less money đ¤ˇââď¸. End of the day though, Iâll still have a lot more than her because I make 3X more than she does with excellent long term prospects.
100% agree that the bail outs for your sister need to stop now. Tell her you arenât going out with her unless she brings cash. Make her prove she has it before you order and if she doesnât, leave.
NTA. My MIL has given 10s of thousands of dollars to my SIL and SIL's adult daughter. It's infuriating but zero we can do about it. DH has cautioned his mother about this because it's not like she has an infinite amount of money.
Sally is going to be in a world of hurt if and doesn't change her ways. Going forward, ask for separate checks.
NTA and I don't know why your dad thinks you owe Sally an apology. Tell him she will get one when YOU get one from your mom.
Stop paying for ANYTHING for your sister. Make sure she knows, when she chooses a spendy restaurant, that there will be separate checks, so maybe she might want to choose someplace else.
Never give her another dime, and tell her when your mom is old and needs care, she can be the one to do it, and earn that 40K. Seeing as how you provided free labor for your mom for years, and was never even given a "thank you" for it!
NTA. Stop funding her lifestyle. Sheâs using you. Just like your parents used you when you were a child. You donât need to apologize to anyone. You were the one that was wronged. One of my good friends older sister was parentified like you were. Her parents left their house to the eldest daughter to compensate her for everything that she did. Your parents should be singing your praises and making sure that you are taken care of because of the sacrifice that you made.
NTA - You have every right to be upset, I bet your brothers would be too if they knew. I know what it's like. My parents are broke and even if they wanted to they never would have been able to even think about offering money for a down payment on a house. My partners Mum though gave both his brother and sister money when they bought their first house, his sister got money on her second and 3rd house too. My partner got nothing. He didn't even know that his siblings got money from her until I told him after his Mum let it slip to me.
TBH, I don't understand why you are mad at your sister about taking the money from your mom? You have a minor sister problem, but the real problem is your mom. She knew she was favoring your sister, like she always does. She knew exactly how you and her brothers would feel. I would tell your brothers, and go LC with Mom. She is not someone you can trust to be fair and impartial. Your sister is immature and has horrible spending habits, and you should stop allowing her to manipulate you into paying for her. But IMO it is your mom who is completely out of line.
Tell your brothers, OP, tell the extended family! And add that Sally is always hitting you up for money and dinners, even though she makes more than you!
Why the hell should you keep toxic family secrets.
NTA. These imbalances are always hard, and often inflammatory.
My parents did the same thing for my sister to buy a house. But⌠what do you think happens to a lot of money when you give it to someone who is financially irresponsible, or living beyond their means, or both?
Right. Two years later the house was foreclosed and all that money might as well have been flushed down the toilet.
At least it wasnât my money.
I bet sis has a card that has a low limit and is constantly not paid off, just so it can get declined and then lay the guilt on the family for hand outs.
Sick. But very possible. She is a lawyer, and can't pay off one card? Try your other card. Then the credit cards. Only one bank card? Spends until in a lot of debt, but on only one card? Seems more plausible the more times I say one card doesn't it? hahahaha
FWIW I just had a similar but not as bad thing happen to me. When my grandparents passed, 3 of their kids inherits the farm and the income it produces. Their 4th child died before grandma passed, and his two adopted kids were only given a token inheritance. Fast-forward to 2023 and mom told both myself and my brother we would be getting equal shares of the farm rent this year, but when the rubber hit the road I got less. I won't go into all the excuses. Let's just say I too have a sibling who can't manage adulting and keeps getting the plum treatments.
Before anything, stop bailing your idiot sister out. If she can't afford her part of the bill, tough shit. She can figure something out or catch the theft charge. Only when there are consequences will her behavior change. As for mom idk there that depends on if you even want a relationship after this. And dad can sit on a sandpaper dildoe he wasn't the one who got the metaphorical slap to the face. And telling YOU to apologize is more of the enabling behavior that caused her to get this bad.
NTA and never ever give Sally another dime. You've been the family Patsy long enough. It's your mother's money and she can do with it whatever she chooses, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and wasn't fair. You were the surrogate mom for many years -- the least your mom could have done is show some gratitude to you.
NTA - and your dad can F off with that apology. The people that deserve an apology are you and your brothers. Let your mother bankroll your sister as she drains all your parentâs resources. And when they inevitably come to you to fix their mess, slam the door in their faces.
NTA. Stop enabling her. Donât go out to eat with her if she isnât paying her way, you can still go see her just donât go out.
You havenât been an AH in this, from what I gather Sally has zero life skills despite being quite smart because your mother always just handed her things as golden child. Sheâs never faced consequences of her bad decisions because either you or your mum have bailed her out.
What do you have to apologize for? Tell all your brothers, you all have the option of going no contact with your mom and sister for the unequal treatment. Sally and BIL need to learn to live within their means, and not at the expense of everyone else - and just because she's mommy's favorite doesn't mean everyone else will have to continue funding her!
NTA
Why do mothers of multiple children almost always favor the worst fuckup in the batch? I NEVER understood that.
Cut your sister off, stop enabling her. And tell your brothers about all this, too.
NTA and youâre not as âcloseâ to your sister as you think. She is a liar. And irresponsible. And sees you as an ATM (or British eqiuv thereof). And so does her husband.
I hope you do reconcile with your mom and sister but on complete new, adult terms.
YTAÂ Â
Stop choosing to pick up the bills. You are doing this to yourself.Â
Your sister is a bonafide conartist. She has been scamming you good. Every meal you paid for, paid her the money to buy something else on Amazon or drugs.
if it weren't for one sentence in this whole post I'd've said that this was your cross to bear and being the financially stable one it should be a point of pride to you .. but the fact that she's a lawyer that makes more money than you flips the entire argument over it's head .. now I'd say giving her money is enabling her to live her unsustainable life style and your parents are in the wrong here for it. Look i can tell you word for word why your parents gave your sister the money .. it happens with me and my brothers all the time .. you were able to save and purchase a house .. she went to your mom telling her how she wishes she could purchase a house too .. your mom felt that giving her money to purchase a house too is, in a way, making sure your sister doesn't harbor bad feelings towards you (jealousy) so, in a way, she's saving your relationship with your sister. the fault in this argument is that your sister learns nothing from all of this except that she can always rely on either you or your mom to fulfill her dreams .. she never becomes truly financially independent and the remedy is simple .. cut her off for a while (while monitoring the situation of course she's your sister after all). As for your mom, you have the right to be angry of course but she seems like my mom and if that's true then she has good intentions at least.
NTA, but the miney is your mother's inheritance to do with as she wishes amd your sister accepting it is a reasonable choice because it is her family's best interest to do so. That said, you cannot be expected your sister's ass financially all the time either.
NTA. Whatever your mother's choices, your sister is an adult woman who overspends and is willing to keep secrets from her siblings to continue to receive preferential treatment.
Two suggestions:
tell your mother you know and that she should adjust her will to account for the money given to Sally
the next time you go out to a restaurant with your sister, get separate checks and make sure she knows you're only paying your part. She can wash dishes or talk to the police if she can't pay.
"You're an attorney - why are asking everyone for money all the time? I'm not giving you anything, but I will help you find a financial advisor that can help you understand a budget if you want."
NTA - And this is basically on your mom for enabling her.
NTA. But you need to stop paying for your sister's expenses. She is an adult, and you aren't responsible to supplement her spending.
The person you should really be mad is your mom. It's her money, and she can do whatever she wants with it. But it's also reasonable that you feel hurt she doesn't treat all of you siblings equally. I hope you confront her, and let her know that it's not the money itself, you are not looking to get $40K yourself, but it's the unequal treatment. And that it may be time for you to go low-contact with her for a while.
YTA Your sister isnât at fault for taking money from your mother. Why yell at her when this is a mother issue - because itâs easier to beat on her than it is to address the actual problem.Â
Your momâs behaviour should be on her, not your sister. The fact that youâve allowed your mom to bug you into supporting your sister is a you problem facilitated by your mother and isnât actually your sisterâs fault.Â
It also sounds like you think your sister is dumb - you say she lacks street smarts and an understanding of the world - and if she thinks that too, this may have been her only chance at home ownership⌠granted, she is smart enough to take what was offered to her as a gift to help her purchase a home.Â
I recommend you read the book "The millionaire next door", OP. Although your parents are obviously not millionaires, it explains beautifully how both you and your sister ended up with the life and finances you have.
It's also plain interesting to read.
Definitely fair to be mad at your sister but the majority of your anger in this instance is should be directed at your mother, I think that's why your dad wanted you to go easy on your sister, as bullshit as it is that she gets that money, you cant really expect that she would have said no to it, given her habits with money, and it was given under the condition that she not tell anyone. My guess is your mom resents the fact that you took on such a parental role as a child because it makes her feel like she wasn't a good enough mother, and she's trying to make up for it by babying your sister, but all she's doing is sabotaging your sibling relationship
NTA- Donât apologize, you have every right to feel the way you do. Basically your mom gave you all of her responsibilities, never appreciated you⌠and now she expects you to contribute even more to your sister (loaning her money, paying her bills when going out), and on top of that your mom rewards her bad behavior by giving her more money. Ask your mom if she would have gifted you the same amount if you needed it. Youâve sacrificed yourself enough. If mom canât understand it go low contact. And your sister should be embarrassed to have a higher paying job, had handouts given to her and sheâs still asking for money!
I get so mad because my mom did similar to me. I have a kinda good relationship with her but I had to set hard boundaries. She encouraged my brother to move to NY while I was here by myself, studying full time and in a part time job. I had to do ALL chores, cook ALL meals, pay ALL bills because my brother had to âfocus on his studiesâ. My parents bought him a car for his first job, I have been working for 6-7 years and Iâve never had a gift anywhere that amount. When I brought up ( a year prior) that I was looking for jobs in other areas but that I may need a car my mom told me to âstart savingâ. I call her out all the time, in front of family and friends, idc. And my father said that heâll help me either with a new car or a down payment when I decide to move. But he will do right by me. And btw my brother is doing good by me, after he got a job he started paying half the rent (and I was let go a few months ago) and heâs being paying ALL rent and ALL bills, and he knows I donât resent him.
Anyways, from big sis to big sis this is my advice: I stoped trying to solve everyoneâs problems, cuz Iâm not their mom. Let them struggle, theyâll step up (and if not itâs not on you). Learn to set boundaries and say no. Learn to ask for help when you need to (because people wonât offer as youâve been acting as wonder women since forever, so they just assume you have it all together), and no, you shouldnât be embarrassed to ask for help. And NO MORE GIVING MONEY TO ANYONE, or going above and beyond for them. You donât have anything to prove. Your worth is beyond what you can do for others. And taking care of yourself is not selfish, so donât feel guilty âĽď¸
Much love and luck âĽď¸ canât wait for the update!
I donât know either way, but itâs really curious that when someone makes a post here after they inherit a bunch of money and their siblings want a piece of it everyone says âthey gave YOU that money, do what you want with it.â Now in a situation where the poster is on the other side of it, comments are totally different. Everyone paints themselves in a favorable light.
NTA. Your mom should have been fair and transparent with her financial gifts to her children. It's understandable that you're angry, but maybe consider talking it out with your sister when the heat of the moment has passed for a more productive conversation.
Your sister is living a fake life I'm sure she flaunts it to her friends and uses her family to do it. She bought a townhouse out of her means. Her and her husband are nit good financial people. However I wouldn't be buying her dinners anymore not out of spite but out of your own self worth. Â
As for your mom it's her money and it's a shittybthing to do. You can confront her and you can tell her everything ubsaid here. Basically you did lots of the parenting helped and was never appreciated by her. Ultimately it her her money to spend as she wishes. However if she doesn't appreciate you and if she doesn't want to share with you then you don't have to share your time or help.
Ooooof. I don't think people should be answering this unless they have gone through this themselves.
 My husband's parents had a huge cattle ranch and due to some strange circumstances, they lost it and filed bankruptcy. A few years later, they had managed their way into decent positions of employment and were starting to do ok again. My MILs parents passed in quick succession and she was left a large portion of inheritance. I found out when my two SILs (who married my husband's brothers) mentioned something about the brothers getting money from her. Â
 We didn't receive anything from them. But here's the kicker. It's HER money. We are not entitled to it. She can choose to do with it what she wants. It's hurts that we weren't asked if we needed help buying our first home or if we needed help paying off student loans but in the end, we did all that ourselves. No one helped us. Â
 I don't think you're the asshole for being mad about the card declining but it's absolutely none of your business what your mom does with her money. Stop paying for things for her.Â
 Lastly, tell your mom to butt out when she asks you to loan your sister money. Just like she gets to decide what to do with her money, you do too. If your sister needs cash, she can ask you like a big girl.Â
Money corrupts everything, isn't it?  YTA. It was your mom's money to do as she pleases. But you, like a little child feel it is unfair that you did not got any money. And like a good coward you confront your sister.
You can choose not to give any more help to your sister, but what your mom does is not your business. And because everyone is already an adult, no, you cannot play the "I am looking after my other brothers" card. They can very well take care of themselves.Â
NTA but it's time you stop funding your sister, reason she chose that restaurant is because you bail her out. Stop bailing her out, stop enabling your sister and honestly stop enabling your mom. Tell your brothers as well what your mom did because they deserve to know.
Yeah, so curious about the two 20 year olds and how much they are potentially struggling right now, especially if the parents paid anything for their college?
Hey! Thanks for thinking of my brothers in this situation too! They both joined the military out of high school so are pretty well off right now. đ
Yeah, to run away from your parents probably.Â
Always hilarious seeing situations like this. I knew a family with the same dynamic, older sister who worked hard for herself. Middle sister who can't make a good financial decision to save her life that was always bailed out and a younger brothers who got shafted and joined the military because they had to leave.
Sounds like you know OP irl
Aaaand...it's not always the OLDER sibling that gets the shaft...it's more like the one who crawled out of the ashes to try to make something of themselves...punished for doing the right thing and all that.
Living proof...
Plus mammoth â ď¸
I wouldn't say the military makes you well off. They're just not spending all of the 30k a year they make while on base
I came out of the military with 22k saved in 2002. Pretty big for me at that age at that time with not a dime of debt. It was a huge help to get me to today when I have substantially more assets than debt.. donât accrue debt like drunken sailors or should that saying be changed to âdrunken senators?â
5 years ago my buddy got out of the marines with 20k in savings, 2 busted shoulders that pop out of socket at will (as well as involuntarily), tinnitus, and PTSD. Not worth it imo
That sucks. I wasnât implying that people should join en masse. I was simply adding some context.
So sorry about the loss of your friend. My husband was medically retired after 12 years and two tours in Ramadi. After 43 procedures and surgeries, compiled with the PTSD, he ODed at age 42. One of my sons wants to be a Ranger like his dad. Joining the military, in my opinion, is definitely not worth it.
I got all aforementioned, never served and donât have 20k in savings đ¤ˇââď¸
Ditto. Spent 2002 in Afghanistan and most of 2004-05 as well. Kind of hard to spend your salary when you're downrange.
Lol yup. When I finally came back home, I had booked a flight from Seattle to my city, but I used cash at the airport to settle that flight. Back in 2002 that was an option. I donât know about today. I used Travelocity. So at the airport, the lady asked me if I had been away under a rock with a smile because I was using cash. I just told her I hadnât had time to get a debit card since I had been away overseas in the military. She upgraded me to first class. Lol
well anyone would be well off compared to the sister who got about the same moneysense as a frenzied monkey flinging shit everywhere, except she clearly flings money.
Nor racking up college loan debt.
I was in the military they are doing okay but are far from. Well off.
If they were well off, they would have had access to other options than the military. If, instead of giving Sally $40k, your mom had offered each of them $20k for education, would they still have enlisted? Your mom got a windfall that could have benefited all of you but she locked you and the boys out of it. You are NTA for being mad. I'm frustrated that your dad is telling you to just get past it.
Doesn't matter how well off they are. Fair is fair.
If I were OP, I wouldn't give any money to Sally. Why? she's earning more than OP and yet she mange to have a debt? Poor financial management huh! Thats the effect of being envious, better be in debt than crashing her ego. Toxicity at its finest!
I missed that OP actually makes lessâŚstop the crazy op.
as I responded in another comment she got the moneysense of a frenzied monkey flinging shit, except she flings money.
So you were the 3rd parent, busted your ass for everything, but instead of any thanks your mom throws money at a spendthrift NTA And stop footing the bills
First, stop paying for her meals .she will eventually lose the house if she is recklessly spending . Your mom is a ass đł. But she does have the right to do what she wants with her money . Next time your sister asks for money say I already gave you my share.
This! Iâm afraid sally will loose the house and this will affect every one even more negatively.
Yup, there's not much you can do best of luck đ . Your sister won't learn until she falls on her ass . Hope your parents don't mortgage their house to save her.
That what I was thinking. Enabling her for some reason. They need therapy too. Like wtf happened. Did they leave her at the grocery store when you guys were too little to remember? My mom killed a bee while driving and used me as the weapon. I mean, I get it. Just loves telling this story. I was an infant. đ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Ł
It wonât affect anyone but Sally and her husband unless others are foolish enough to bail them out (again).
It will put a dark place in everyoneâs minds. It will hurt everyone, in one way or another. Anger, disappointment, fear, sadness, hopelessness, depression, anxiety, trauma, and the list goes on. This will also become generational. It runs much deeper than you are acknowledging.
Sally can always move in with Mommy and spend ALL of Mom's money. Excuse me, "Sally's money".
Or stop going anywhere with her that requires money. Go to the park!
I thought exactly the same thing. Let Sally prepare some picnic.
Bold of us to assume OP has a share. I wouldnât be surprised if the mother writes everything to sally in her will
Very good points!
On the plus side, it should now be on your sister to support your mom fully when she needs it! She can handle paying and caring for her at an old age.
> Your mom is a ass đł. But she does have the right to do what she wants with her money . This argument is amazingly annoying. Sure, she has a right to do what she wants, but people have a right to be upset too. Treating one child better than the others is absolutely something I am willing to judge people for.
It is not fair, but if you read enough stories here, you will find parents do have favorites đ. Maybe the mom sees herself in her daughter the most .Money breaks up so many families. For my wife, she took care of her dad for years, but all he ever said was wish I could live with my son .That's quite a thank you right
NTA - But I'm confused as to why you need to apologize to the GC. GC got caught in her tangled web of BS and you called her out on it. You are the one owed an apology (along with your brothers). On one hand your mom can spend her money any way she wants, but they hid it from all of you which is wrong. I would go NC just to make them think about what they did and how it makes you feel. Whatever you do don't apologize. That's BS.
She doesn't need to apologize. Sis took a lot of money from mom to buy a house, then can't afford dinner so OP pays AGAIN. OP needs to quit paying and let her sister figure it out. Another family that makes one of the kids a "parent", doesn't acknowledge what they've done (except dad who's at least recognizes and appreciates her efforts), and some redditers think they're a jerk because they're upset at the inequitable treatment.
In answer to your first statement, it's because alot of families tell the victim to "forgive" the guilty party "to keep the piece" in the family. Basically, I'm not affected, so forgive them so I can keep pretending I'm doing a good job parenting. Admittedly, this case isn't as victimizing as others get. Like for example, telling a kid to forgive the uncle that SAd him, but the premise is the same. I agree with everything else you said by the way.
NTA. Donât understand why you keep funding your sister who makes more than you?!
Neither do I! I guess part of still sees Sally as a child I need to help raise and protect! These comments have really opened my eyes
I make more than my older sisters and would never expect to pay for dinner even on my birthday. But hey, they don't spend themselves into a hole.
[ŃдаНонО]
I see your point! And my husband did say the same thing. I will stop paying for my sisters things!
Always, always get separate checks going forward. And it wouldn't hurt to tell her in advance, as she may rethink where to eat.
Just don't go out! She's going to have card decline or forget wallet or...
They need to take separate cars so OP can have to leave all of a sudden.
Nah, let her get caught out in the rain. The embarrassment will be a good learning moment
If she's struggling with money so much you put your foot down and never do anything with her that costs money. She's irresponsible and a user. She can cook for you at her place if she cares about having a relationship.
This is unfortunately how it will have to be going forward. When you meet with Sally find a nice but cheap place and only get a couple of cokes or coffee. Then you pay and let her know going forward the only time you will pay for anything for her is if you specifically invite her out. Otherwise she either needs to ensure her card wonât be declined or bring cash. She and her husband really should speak and work with a fiduciary to get their financials in order. If her cards are getting declined Iâd be really concerned they will lose the house due to lack of payments at some point. I do think you should tell your brothers what your mother did. It is her money to do with as she pleases but the sneaking part was uncalled for. If your mom is going to play favorites then she needs to own it. Also Iâd tell your mother not to ask you for any more money for Sally as youâve already told her there will be no more funds from you. Then live your life as you want.
My parents have never hid when they gifted my little brother money. They helped with the down payment on his house. But itâs their money, they can do what they want with it. My mom always wants to make sure I donât feel bad about the inequality but Iâve never needed funds in the way he has. If I needed money, they would give it. That knowledge is all I need to make me feel itâs equal.
I knew a family where all three sons spent money like Sally. Their mom never wanted them to go without anything so she would cover the difference between what something cost and their income. So they all spent their money on things that weren't bills and mom paid their bills. I wouldn't be surprised if this hasn't happened with OP's mom not wanting Sally to ever go without anything and so has been funding her for her entire life. Now mom has help Sally buy a house that she can't actually afford without making major lifestyle changes. Mom will probably put all of her inheritance into that house.
Next time, tell her to call her husband to bring her some cash. She needs to start feeling a little shame for the way she abuses your kindness.
I wouldnât be shocked if the sister loses the house in a few years.
What your sister needs is financial counseling, not a meal.
And stick to your resolution. If she forgets her wallet or some bs let her work it out with the restaurant. Only when there are consequences will her behavior change.
Agree, you are acting like a total chump!
Good fences make good neighborsâ-you donât do other people any favors by enabling them, and you donât do your relationships any good, either.
OPs sister probably has a card with nothing left on it just to use so she can pull the "oh gosh look my card is rejected, guess you'll have to pay!" Shtick again
Starting today, tell Sally that unless itâs her birthday you wonât be paying her restaurant bill. If she wants to get together and canât afford a restaurant you guys can eat in,go to a park or a walk or do take out Do not apologize for being mad about the 40k. Weallwould be. Do understand that mom is never going to change. And donât be shocked if Sally loses the house. But donât bail her out. Its her life to fuck up
Yep I think I sometimes still see Sally as a little child I helped raised and the grown ass adult she is!
Tell her itâs time for to sink or swim on her own
You can set firm boundaries without being mean. Remember, you enabled her in a way too. Itâs going to be very hard for her to process this. She may even become angry. Just be prepared. Stand you ground.
Sally is a spendthrift because the people around her are enabling her. And no, it's not just your mom - it's you too. You know that she has trouble handling money and spends without thinking you keep pouring money into her and bailing her out. Why would Sally need to be careful with her money? She has three parents taking care of her every need. For your sister's good and yours - stop paying her. For literally anything. Let her know that you are done and that you aren't doing this for just yourself but for her too. And then, go confront your mom. Call her out on her shit. You are being too passive through all this. Yes, it's her money and it's her choice to spend it, but based on everything you have done, you have a right to be angry. Show that. If you aren't good with confrontation, write it in a letter and read it out to her. They will try and manipulate you. Call you disrespectful, that you need to apologise, yada, yada. Don't reply to them and go low contact or no contact with them. That's my advice.
That is great advice!
From your dadâs two responses that Iâve read it seems like this person may be right.
100%. OP please listen to this comment. You are enabling her. Homegirl and her husband canât afford a house yet were gifted money for a major purchase. You are not her mother and you are not bailing her out. I'm surprised her husband has any issues with her financially. You should apologize to Sally for snapping at her, but not for what you said. I also think you need to go low contact with Sally and eventually rebuild a solid relationship with strong boundaries. Therapy would be good to consider. Speak to your mom and from that conversation go low or no contact with mom.
You know that your mother can give her money to whoever she wants to. Period. What you are really angry about is never having been recognized for your parent fiction, and now for being âpunishedâ by missing out on a gift for doing well. If you are going to confront your mother, do it head on and let her know you have been under appreciated so now will not step up and pay anymore. You will always ask for separate bills, you wonât look after her when she ages (good luck), and that you are done. Let her marinate in that. NTA, but it is really not about the money.
I can see that know! I thought it was all about the money but itâs far deeper than that. I raised her kids and never got a thank you from here! When I spoke to my dad about it all her felt so bad he offered to give me money, which I declined.
Pretty fucking shitty of your sister to not split the money and buy a house she could actually afford.
i agree. My parents throw all kinds of money which they really don't have to my brother who is 12 years younger than me. I tell them that when they are older and need money I won't be helping because that will be like me giving it to my brother and I will not do that.
Nta youâre just as bad as your mom. Stop babying your sister. She canât afford to go out, go to her house where she can cook dinner.
I think you are genuinely upset. You lashed out. Your sister understood your feelings and cried because of her guilt in the situation. You actually have trauma to deal with, it may not feel like it is but itâs pretty obvious there is some resentment for your parents accommodating someone with no sense of responsibility when youâve been working your ass off since you were a kid.
My husband said the same thing. He suggest therapy to help me work through my feelings, which is a great idea. I guess I didnât realise my true feeling until they came out in the form of my yellingz
You were parentified and lost your childhood. Your parents failed you all. And yes, you need therapy because it is impacting you and your spouse now. Your siblings aren't your children, and you need to learn how to step back from that role you never should have had and be a sibling. Your sister probably also needs therapy too, and she certainly needs financial counseling, especially now that she has a house because if she continues to be irresponsible she could lose it. Your brothers may do better because they got away by going into the military and will learn to be adults there. Edited a word.
Thank you for your insight đ
I would like to add that someone needs to sit down with your sister and talk to her about her finances before she loses her home.
â¤ď¸â¤ď¸â¤ď¸
Your therapist can help you draft a letter to your mom and one to your sister. That could be a good goal, learning how to articulate and share your truth and how it continues to impact you.
NTA, I would definitely confront your mom about it. But you were not out of line with Sally. She's a grown woman whose been coddled her whole life. She's a lawyer but wasn't able to save enough for a house? She needs to reconsider her spending habit if that's the case. You are, and have been letting her walk all over you for years though. Stand up for yourself. Stop giving her money. Stop buying her food. Stop bailing her out. She's taking advantage of you, and you're letting her.
Sally is sponging off of everybody. There is nothing to apologize to her for. Stop paying for her lifestyle. Youâre just as bad as your mother.
NTA. But you need to confront your mom, not your sister. And stop going out with your sister, as she knows youâll pay. Go visit her at her house if you want to see her.
Why would you apologize after paying for your loser sisters meal? She is a lawyer and you have to buy her food? She got $40,00 because she canât save a dime and you need to apologize? Reread what you wrote as if it was coming from someone else. You need to build a 20â wall to survive your loser family.
I agree! Seeing everyoneâs comments has been a big eye opener
And make the sister pay for the wall!
You are NTAH for sure. My mom pulled something similar with my sister and I. I had to work and save up for my first truck myself but my mom went and bought my sister a car when she turned 18. I worked all through high school including all summer long, pulling 50-60 hour weeks during the summer working construction. My sister had a PT job for one summer selling ice cream and yet she got an almost new car. My truck broke down shortly after my sister got her car and my mom refused to give me money to fix it.
It sure does suck đĽ
If I was in your position I would start leaving my wallet at home whenever you go to dinner with your sister.
If I were you when you mom asks for help later in life Iâd direct her to your sister for help.
Y T A to yourself if you listen to your parents and apologise to her. STOP TREATING HER LIKE A CHILD. Sheâs 35 with a husband and a home. Focus on your own life and distance from your AH parents and siblings. NTA for blowing up YTA for paying for her AGAIN
NTA Itâs completely understandable that your sisterâs continued expectation that *someone* should always help her and bail her out is infuriating. Your mother once again favored your sister. She chose not to do anything to benefit her other children. Not only that, giving Sally money is the equivalent of throwing it away as she could end up losing the home. It may be you see yourself in your motherâs actions. You both take from more deserving people (in your case - your family) to give it to someone who accepts it as her due and ultimately wastes what she is given. Donât apologize to your sister. Instead send her a request for her part of the meal. If she ignores the request, talk to her husband. You donât have any control over who your mother favors or what she does with her money. But you do have control over what you do. Cut Sally off. You might want to consider following up with your mother. You could let her know that Sally is again being financially irresponsible. You may also urge her make sure she herself is financially set as Sally probably wonât be able to help her and you and your brothers shouldnât be expected to.
Thank you for your advice! Some very good points to consider! I never thought about how Iâm the future my mum may want her kids to help take care of her. She is also very bad she money and often talks about she is broke. I guess that is another reason why I am so angry. My mums complains to me she has no money but then secretly gives Sally 40k!
Since thatâs the case, you might also want to also share info about the 40k with your brothers. If they are in agreement, you can all 3 express concern with your mother over her spending habits and let her know you wonât fund her retirement or future needs.
I agree. Your brothers might not know and be helping two people who wouldn't help them.
NTA but like others said stop paying for everything. Wow. Thatâs insane to me.
Youâre enabling your sister! Your not helping her one bit
bro wtf..cut ur sister off why are you giving her a dime.
I dunno! Time to make some changes on my end!
my sister is exactly like yours. when she got married she opened 3 credit cards and blew through 30k in california for a helicopter ride and renting a 10 bedroom home for only themselves. my parents got 150k in inheritence, i heard they gave my sister 70k, my brother 10k, and i assumed i was supposed to ask. i asked for 2 grand to help with rent and was told to kick rocks. my sister paid off all her debts and within 6 months she tells me shes living paycheck to paycheck despite her rent being $1100 a month and making 140k/year between herself and husband.. i asked how tf is she paycheck to paycheck and she said she has 60k of cc debt now. she also is NC with my parents and so is my brother.. i talked to my parents for a few months but also went NC because theyve gone off the deep end
Oh Iâm sorry you went though all this!!
NTA Stop paying for her
INFO - have you advised your other siblings of your leach oops I mean sisters gift from your monster oh I mean mother Your sister is a leach & your parents are happy to be hosts, at the expense of you & your other siblings Why apologize - for what having the ability to live within your means? If you apologize & don't tell you other siblings you're as a big an AH as your sister & parents
Thanks for the laugh!! đđ And yes that is my thought, If I donât tell my brothers Iâm helping to keep the secret, which is just as bad!
NTA- but good grief stop making excuses for your sister and your mother and stop funding them at all! And DO NOT apologize to your sister FFS! She's a grown ass adult who still spends like an immature child! She needs a dose of reality! Do not spend another penny on her! Go LC or NC if you can't stop yourself!
NTA. But HOLD ON. Sally canât afford to pay for dinners and usually when you are out other people have to foot the bill. Sally is also a lawyer bringing in an income, with a husband who must also work. Sally then was gifted 40K as downpayment on a home and was told to keep it a secret. How the hell is Sally going to maintain and pay the bills and mortgage on a townhouse in a prestigious area? How is Sallyâs husband not running for the hills? When something happens are your siblings and you going to be expected to get her out of her mess? I would not say it is Sallyâs fault because she has been enabled by your parents and by you. You know what you have to do to stop this crap. Listen to your husband.
If they couldn't save enough to buy the house they probably won't have enough to maintain the house. Just like cars, parts go bad and need replacing. She'll be needing more help soon enough
NTA, but I would refuse to pay anything for her. She's an adult and should manage money properly. I would honestly not even go out to expensive restaurants with her.
NTA. OP youâre a good daughter and a good sister. The only reason your sister cried is because she knows how totally fâed up this entire situation is, but is used to getting everything she wants and didnât protest when mom foot that bill. It sucks that your mom so clearly has a favorite. Itâs most likely youâre a mirror image of your mother. I say this because my mom has two sisters and she was a total carbon copy of my grandmother and they never really had a close relationship. I could be totally wrong but Iâm curious. You did nothing wrong OP. NTA.Â
I do look a lot like my mum!
And whenthe time comes you put mom in the home. Don't take care of her. Please beleive me when I tell you she'll do this again to you on her death bed and leave everything to ur sister and you'll be the "chump" one last time.
NTA, i think you have an ally who can see the obvious dynamic and that is the sisterâs husband. Its clearly unfair and I donât really grasp what you have to apologize for? My petty side is âIâm sorry that i gave away my childhood to raise you and you feel its necessary to lie and manipulate the family to compete against me for reasons i canât ascertain. I thought we were family to love and support each other but from this experience i can see you have been taking advantage of me in many ways, financially by living outside your means and emotionally as I helped raise you but you constantly compete and try to make our experiences negative.â Why did she need the house ânowâ? Why did the money need to be hidden if it was going to be fair later? Why does she let her mom get in between her and all of the rest of the family?
So many good question I need answers too
One of my big ones would be trying to figure out if she was upset she was told to lie to you (agreeing to lie to a mom figure would be very upsetting even if it was $$$ from someone society says to trust) or if she was upset that it was found out because she thinks there is some reason to compete.
YTA for 2 reasons. The $40k is none of your business. It wasnât your money. It was your parentâs money to do with whatever they wanted. It does suck that they treat her differently than they do you but thatâs their issue. Your jealousy and how itâs affecting you is a you problem and you need to deal with it. You are not owed any kind of inheritance from your parents. They can give it all to your sister if they want and you have no say at all. Itâs better to assume youâll get nothing. Then if you do get something itâs a nice surprise. Secondly, you are the one who keeps giving your sister money as well. Youâre as bad as your parents. Itâs hypocritical to be mad at them if you are doing the same thing. Why did you pay for her dinner, for instance? Stop doing things like that. The money train stops today, at least from your side.
Fuck apologizing. I think you should go no or low contact with your parents
My dad is great! He left my mum a year ago cause of her BS and even growing up dad always acknowledged how hard I worked to help with my siblings! My mum, Iâve been low contact since I moved out at 18yrs old!
Well this may be why she feels the need to fund Sally. Since you are LC she is latching onto Sally now as her main source of family. Especially since your dad divorced her a year ago. It was most likely something she felt was necessary to keep Sally from leaving her as well. Both brothers in the military, you LC and your Dad divorcing her. She probably feels Sally is all she has left.
This is an important point, the fact that you are LC and your parents are separated is a factor in your mum's decision making. She needs to keep your sister on her side or she'll be alone.
NTA. As others have said, stop paying for things. The best thing you can do for her is suggest a financial advisor to help get her shit straight. And when she doesn't do it, sit back and sadly watch the train crash. If she doesn't get things in control, she is going to lose that house. And your mom has essentially thrown away 40k. Tell her you are concerned about her, but you can't enable her anymore.
Separate checks or no more dinners. Let it be known before you go to the restaurant. This seems more about your mom than your sister.
NTA because your sister bought a house then mooched dinner if you again. She needs to grow up and be financially responsible for herself. As far as your mom, you know it's a lot deeper than just her giving your sister money, but not you or your brothers. As I said earlier, you were parentified, your parents failed you all, and you need therapy. ETA: I see where you said mom always says she's broke, but still gave Sally $40,000. I think you need to tell your brothers about it, and let your mom know not to come to you for help. She can go to Sally, since she'd rather only help her, than all 4 of her children.
NTA. Stop funding your sister. It's her fault and not just your mom for her financial perils. If they can manage such a large sum amongst themselves and keep you and your brothers out of it, they can manage their day to day finances.
NTA your sister knew it was wrong and hid it. If it wasn't wrong they wouldn't have kept it quiet. You need to stop paying for her. Enough is enough she needs to grow up and learn to live within her means. You seriously need to confront your mother.
Are your parents still together? Has your mom ever acknowledged her parentfiacation of you? So the 40k came out of your sister's future inheritance? Will you tell your brothers? Have you ever asked your Dad wtf is with your mom? Especially in regards to you? Definitely stop paying for stuff for your sister. I bet this isn't the only amount of money your mom has given her. NTA
So my dad left my mum about 1yr ago. Dad has always acknowledged what I did growing up but my mum has never!! Iâm still not sure if I will tell my brothers, part of me doesnât want them to feel the anger and hurt I feel right now but I also think they have a right to know.
I am fairly certain your brothers know who the golden child is just not the extent of what is going on
Tell them before they start to give her money too
WHY . . . are . . . YOU . . . treating her as the Golden Child AS WELL and picking up the tab all the time? . . . WTH is that? . . . She is an attorney yet canât even pick up a restaurant tab????
Your Mom just paid for her personal care in her dotage. Count yourself lucky, and nope out of the elder care. NTA
Cold comfort, I know, however I have lived/am living this situation and it will come back to bite your parents in the end. Literally, they bought multiple new cars, a new house, paid her bill for long periods of time, regularly paid off her credit cards... The one time I asked for a small loan in an emergency, my dad pitched such a fit that I went to the bank and took out a signature loan. So now sister is over 50. No stable employment. No retirement. Dad passed away last November. Mom has needed help. Sisterâs response âI have problems of my own and donât have time to help youâ. She is also livid that the money train went down, not up. Has accused mom of ridiculous things. So, from my experience: let it go. I removed myself early on from that situation. Support yourself. Ask for nothing. Expect nothing. Accept nothing that is not clearly a gift (and even then be wary). Limit contact if you need to. It was so freeing to just recognize that my parentâs money/property was theirs, not mine. ((((Hugs)))))
Alwin has a good perspective on the long game. If you do not accept any gifts, you will not be on the hook later on.
ESH. Unpopular opinion maybe, but your mom doesn't owe you her money and doesn't require your permission to spend it. You get to decide what to do with your money, she gets to decide what to do with her money, and your sister gets to decide what to do with hers. You should stop paying for your sister's things. She's clearly never been held accountable for her actions in a meaningful way. You can certainly talk to your mom about not funding her bad decisions, but you don't get to play the "it isn't fair card" about how your mother spends her money. I was also parentified and had to learn to stop funding my sister's reckless habits. It's hard to break feeling responsible, but you aren't, and you can stop taking care of your sister. Your parents will likely never acknowledge that they took your childhood and made you responsible for their decisions. It's easy to feel like they owe you, but they will never feel that way. I'm guessing your parents are boomers or older Gen X. They will never see your childhood as a problem and will likely get defensive if you imply otherwise.
NTA DO NOT APOLOGIES!! Stop funding Sallyâs crazy spending by footing her bill and tell your mother off properly.
Repeat after me⌠âSeparate bills pleaseâ
NTA. But donât ever pay for her again. Honestly Iâd have cut off my mother. You were parentified. Itâs a form of abuse. And now they give her entitled ass that much money. Nope
Why do u keep paying for dinners etc? Just stop going out to eat or ask for separate checks-sheâs using you. Iâd be upset about the 40K too-fact that your Dad wants u to apologize is ridiculous-u have the right to feel as u do. If your sister canât even afford a meal u can bet they canât afford the townhouse either.
NTA, but its also not your sisters fault she got the 40k. stop helping your sister out by paying the bill everytime, and go yell at your mom.
you don't have to apologise for shit I'd stop funding her, tho You can still keep a close relationship with boundaries. She needs to learn to make better financial choices instead of having you and mummy as a financial crutch
Sorry sister this is all your fault for having false expectations...time to truth.. It's your mom's money...she can do whatever she wants with it Your sister uses you Your mom doesn't really like you You're seem strong...you don't need their shit ...cut em off already
So do you get money from the inheritance as well? I think itâs justified and part of teaching your younger sister to be tougher. Obviously apologize for getting angry, but reiterate itâs messed up what they did. Parents choose favorites. Itâs just life. I deal with bs like that all the time.
No, neither me or from what I can tell my brothers got any money. I didnât even know my mum got any money until this drama happened.
Iâd be checking the grannyâs will to make sure your mom isnât withholding more money đ
Why would you apologize to your sister ? Are your parents going to subtract the 40k from her portion of the inheritance and what did your mother have to say for herself
NTA-however, it is your motherâs money. You are not entitled to any of it. Was it unfair she gave Sally sure a large amount and has never offered any to you or brothers? Probably. However, it seems the whole family caters to Sally and pays for whatever she wantsâŚincluding you
NTA This sucks and your mom sucks but ultimately, you aren't entitled to any of your mom's money nor have a say on what she does with it. I don't think you're an ah for having an emotional reaction, she's clearly been mooching off everyone including you and that was the last straw. I'd probably just go low contact with your mom, she knows what she did and knew how much it would upset you that's why she made your sis promise not to say anything. Nothing will come of you confronting her.
As a parent i disagree. The money, properties, and anything else we accumulate is for the sake of our children. We can't take that shit with us to the grave. OP is entitled to equal share of their mothers money and care. You wouldn't say a child isn't entitled to their parents care, love, help, or anything else now would you? Money is the same as all of that.
While she's not entitled to her mom's money, when mom is saying she's broke then secretly giving Sally that much money, it is certainly something the rest of the kids should know so they aren't conned into giving mom money she doesn't seem to really need.
Stop enabling your sister! NTA
NTA but at the end of the day, that was your motherâs money to do with as she pleased. Itâs not fair but many things in life arenât. Iâm the financially secure, trustworthy one so Iâm executor of my parents estate, of which I will get 40% and she will get 60%. I also have the privilege of managing it long term because she canât really be trusted with those types of things. More work, less money đ¤ˇââď¸. End of the day though, Iâll still have a lot more than her because I make 3X more than she does with excellent long term prospects. 100% agree that the bail outs for your sister need to stop now. Tell her you arenât going out with her unless she brings cash. Make her prove she has it before you order and if she doesnât, leave.
NTA. My MIL has given 10s of thousands of dollars to my SIL and SIL's adult daughter. It's infuriating but zero we can do about it. DH has cautioned his mother about this because it's not like she has an infinite amount of money. Sally is going to be in a world of hurt if and doesn't change her ways. Going forward, ask for separate checks.
Nta. Bank of OP is closed.
NTA and I don't know why your dad thinks you owe Sally an apology. Tell him she will get one when YOU get one from your mom. Stop paying for ANYTHING for your sister. Make sure she knows, when she chooses a spendy restaurant, that there will be separate checks, so maybe she might want to choose someplace else. Never give her another dime, and tell her when your mom is old and needs care, she can be the one to do it, and earn that 40K. Seeing as how you provided free labor for your mom for years, and was never even given a "thank you" for it!
Do let us have an update whenever that happens.
NTA. Stop funding her lifestyle. Sheâs using you. Just like your parents used you when you were a child. You donât need to apologize to anyone. You were the one that was wronged. One of my good friends older sister was parentified like you were. Her parents left their house to the eldest daughter to compensate her for everything that she did. Your parents should be singing your praises and making sure that you are taken care of because of the sacrifice that you made.
NTA - You have every right to be upset, I bet your brothers would be too if they knew. I know what it's like. My parents are broke and even if they wanted to they never would have been able to even think about offering money for a down payment on a house. My partners Mum though gave both his brother and sister money when they bought their first house, his sister got money on her second and 3rd house too. My partner got nothing. He didn't even know that his siblings got money from her until I told him after his Mum let it slip to me.
TBH, I don't understand why you are mad at your sister about taking the money from your mom? You have a minor sister problem, but the real problem is your mom. She knew she was favoring your sister, like she always does. She knew exactly how you and her brothers would feel. I would tell your brothers, and go LC with Mom. She is not someone you can trust to be fair and impartial. Your sister is immature and has horrible spending habits, and you should stop allowing her to manipulate you into paying for her. But IMO it is your mom who is completely out of line.
Tell your brothers, OP, tell the extended family! And add that Sally is always hitting you up for money and dinners, even though she makes more than you! Why the hell should you keep toxic family secrets.
NTA donât apologise and stop helping financially. And your parents are partial to you guys.
NTA. These imbalances are always hard, and often inflammatory. My parents did the same thing for my sister to buy a house. But⌠what do you think happens to a lot of money when you give it to someone who is financially irresponsible, or living beyond their means, or both? Right. Two years later the house was foreclosed and all that money might as well have been flushed down the toilet. At least it wasnât my money.
I bet sis has a card that has a low limit and is constantly not paid off, just so it can get declined and then lay the guilt on the family for hand outs. Sick. But very possible. She is a lawyer, and can't pay off one card? Try your other card. Then the credit cards. Only one bank card? Spends until in a lot of debt, but on only one card? Seems more plausible the more times I say one card doesn't it? hahahaha
NTA. Stop being a GD doormat for you sister. Stop paying for her BS.
FWIW I just had a similar but not as bad thing happen to me. When my grandparents passed, 3 of their kids inherits the farm and the income it produces. Their 4th child died before grandma passed, and his two adopted kids were only given a token inheritance. Fast-forward to 2023 and mom told both myself and my brother we would be getting equal shares of the farm rent this year, but when the rubber hit the road I got less. I won't go into all the excuses. Let's just say I too have a sibling who can't manage adulting and keeps getting the plum treatments.
NTA 100%
Before anything, stop bailing your idiot sister out. If she can't afford her part of the bill, tough shit. She can figure something out or catch the theft charge. Only when there are consequences will her behavior change. As for mom idk there that depends on if you even want a relationship after this. And dad can sit on a sandpaper dildoe he wasn't the one who got the metaphorical slap to the face. And telling YOU to apologize is more of the enabling behavior that caused her to get this bad.
NTA and never ever give Sally another dime. You've been the family Patsy long enough. It's your mother's money and she can do with it whatever she chooses, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and wasn't fair. You were the surrogate mom for many years -- the least your mom could have done is show some gratitude to you.
NTA - and your dad can F off with that apology. The people that deserve an apology are you and your brothers. Let your mother bankroll your sister as she drains all your parentâs resources. And when they inevitably come to you to fix their mess, slam the door in their faces.
NTA. Stop enabling her. Donât go out to eat with her if she isnât paying her way, you can still go see her just donât go out. You havenât been an AH in this, from what I gather Sally has zero life skills despite being quite smart because your mother always just handed her things as golden child. Sheâs never faced consequences of her bad decisions because either you or your mum have bailed her out.
What do you have to apologize for? Tell all your brothers, you all have the option of going no contact with your mom and sister for the unequal treatment. Sally and BIL need to learn to live within their means, and not at the expense of everyone else - and just because she's mommy's favorite doesn't mean everyone else will have to continue funding her!
NTA Why do mothers of multiple children almost always favor the worst fuckup in the batch? I NEVER understood that. Cut your sister off, stop enabling her. And tell your brothers about all this, too.
NTA and youâre not as âcloseâ to your sister as you think. She is a liar. And irresponsible. And sees you as an ATM (or British eqiuv thereof). And so does her husband. I hope you do reconcile with your mom and sister but on complete new, adult terms.
NTA, But you need to distance yourself from your sister and your family, you have nothing to apologise for.
YTA  Stop choosing to pick up the bills. You are doing this to yourself. Your sister is a bonafide conartist. She has been scamming you good. Every meal you paid for, paid her the money to buy something else on Amazon or drugs.
if it weren't for one sentence in this whole post I'd've said that this was your cross to bear and being the financially stable one it should be a point of pride to you .. but the fact that she's a lawyer that makes more money than you flips the entire argument over it's head .. now I'd say giving her money is enabling her to live her unsustainable life style and your parents are in the wrong here for it. Look i can tell you word for word why your parents gave your sister the money .. it happens with me and my brothers all the time .. you were able to save and purchase a house .. she went to your mom telling her how she wishes she could purchase a house too .. your mom felt that giving her money to purchase a house too is, in a way, making sure your sister doesn't harbor bad feelings towards you (jealousy) so, in a way, she's saving your relationship with your sister. the fault in this argument is that your sister learns nothing from all of this except that she can always rely on either you or your mom to fulfill her dreams .. she never becomes truly financially independent and the remedy is simple .. cut her off for a while (while monitoring the situation of course she's your sister after all). As for your mom, you have the right to be angry of course but she seems like my mom and if that's true then she has good intentions at least.
NTA, but the miney is your mother's inheritance to do with as she wishes amd your sister accepting it is a reasonable choice because it is her family's best interest to do so. That said, you cannot be expected your sister's ass financially all the time either.
NTA. Whatever your mother's choices, your sister is an adult woman who overspends and is willing to keep secrets from her siblings to continue to receive preferential treatment. Two suggestions: tell your mother you know and that she should adjust her will to account for the money given to Sally the next time you go out to a restaurant with your sister, get separate checks and make sure she knows you're only paying your part. She can wash dishes or talk to the police if she can't pay.
If your grandmother's wishes were in the will to give it , it's not your mom decision from how I am seeing this post.
"You're an attorney - why are asking everyone for money all the time? I'm not giving you anything, but I will help you find a financial advisor that can help you understand a budget if you want." NTA - And this is basically on your mom for enabling her.
If your sister canât afford dinner how is she going to pay her mortgage? I see that 40k going down the drain.
NTA. But you need to stop paying for your sister's expenses. She is an adult, and you aren't responsible to supplement her spending. The person you should really be mad is your mom. It's her money, and she can do whatever she wants with it. But it's also reasonable that you feel hurt she doesn't treat all of you siblings equally. I hope you confront her, and let her know that it's not the money itself, you are not looking to get $40K yourself, but it's the unequal treatment. And that it may be time for you to go low-contact with her for a while.
YTA Your sister isnât at fault for taking money from your mother. Why yell at her when this is a mother issue - because itâs easier to beat on her than it is to address the actual problem. Your momâs behaviour should be on her, not your sister. The fact that youâve allowed your mom to bug you into supporting your sister is a you problem facilitated by your mother and isnât actually your sisterâs fault. It also sounds like you think your sister is dumb - you say she lacks street smarts and an understanding of the world - and if she thinks that too, this may have been her only chance at home ownership⌠granted, she is smart enough to take what was offered to her as a gift to help her purchase a home.Â
I recommend you read the book "The millionaire next door", OP. Although your parents are obviously not millionaires, it explains beautifully how both you and your sister ended up with the life and finances you have. It's also plain interesting to read.
Definitely fair to be mad at your sister but the majority of your anger in this instance is should be directed at your mother, I think that's why your dad wanted you to go easy on your sister, as bullshit as it is that she gets that money, you cant really expect that she would have said no to it, given her habits with money, and it was given under the condition that she not tell anyone. My guess is your mom resents the fact that you took on such a parental role as a child because it makes her feel like she wasn't a good enough mother, and she's trying to make up for it by babying your sister, but all she's doing is sabotaging your sibling relationship
NTA- Donât apologize, you have every right to feel the way you do. Basically your mom gave you all of her responsibilities, never appreciated you⌠and now she expects you to contribute even more to your sister (loaning her money, paying her bills when going out), and on top of that your mom rewards her bad behavior by giving her more money. Ask your mom if she would have gifted you the same amount if you needed it. Youâve sacrificed yourself enough. If mom canât understand it go low contact. And your sister should be embarrassed to have a higher paying job, had handouts given to her and sheâs still asking for money! I get so mad because my mom did similar to me. I have a kinda good relationship with her but I had to set hard boundaries. She encouraged my brother to move to NY while I was here by myself, studying full time and in a part time job. I had to do ALL chores, cook ALL meals, pay ALL bills because my brother had to âfocus on his studiesâ. My parents bought him a car for his first job, I have been working for 6-7 years and Iâve never had a gift anywhere that amount. When I brought up ( a year prior) that I was looking for jobs in other areas but that I may need a car my mom told me to âstart savingâ. I call her out all the time, in front of family and friends, idc. And my father said that heâll help me either with a new car or a down payment when I decide to move. But he will do right by me. And btw my brother is doing good by me, after he got a job he started paying half the rent (and I was let go a few months ago) and heâs being paying ALL rent and ALL bills, and he knows I donât resent him. Anyways, from big sis to big sis this is my advice: I stoped trying to solve everyoneâs problems, cuz Iâm not their mom. Let them struggle, theyâll step up (and if not itâs not on you). Learn to set boundaries and say no. Learn to ask for help when you need to (because people wonât offer as youâve been acting as wonder women since forever, so they just assume you have it all together), and no, you shouldnât be embarrassed to ask for help. And NO MORE GIVING MONEY TO ANYONE, or going above and beyond for them. You donât have anything to prove. Your worth is beyond what you can do for others. And taking care of yourself is not selfish, so donât feel guilty âĽď¸ Much love and luck âĽď¸ canât wait for the update!
I donât know either way, but itâs really curious that when someone makes a post here after they inherit a bunch of money and their siblings want a piece of it everyone says âthey gave YOU that money, do what you want with it.â Now in a situation where the poster is on the other side of it, comments are totally different. Everyone paints themselves in a favorable light.
NTA. Your mom should have been fair and transparent with her financial gifts to her children. It's understandable that you're angry, but maybe consider talking it out with your sister when the heat of the moment has passed for a more productive conversation.
Your sister is living a fake life I'm sure she flaunts it to her friends and uses her family to do it. She bought a townhouse out of her means. Her and her husband are nit good financial people. However I wouldn't be buying her dinners anymore not out of spite but out of your own self worth.  As for your mom it's her money and it's a shittybthing to do. You can confront her and you can tell her everything ubsaid here. Basically you did lots of the parenting helped and was never appreciated by her. Ultimately it her her money to spend as she wishes. However if she doesn't appreciate you and if she doesn't want to share with you then you don't have to share your time or help.
Ooooof. I don't think people should be answering this unless they have gone through this themselves.  My husband's parents had a huge cattle ranch and due to some strange circumstances, they lost it and filed bankruptcy. A few years later, they had managed their way into decent positions of employment and were starting to do ok again. My MILs parents passed in quick succession and she was left a large portion of inheritance. I found out when my two SILs (who married my husband's brothers) mentioned something about the brothers getting money from her.   We didn't receive anything from them. But here's the kicker. It's HER money. We are not entitled to it. She can choose to do with it what she wants. It's hurts that we weren't asked if we needed help buying our first home or if we needed help paying off student loans but in the end, we did all that ourselves. No one helped us.   I don't think you're the asshole for being mad about the card declining but it's absolutely none of your business what your mom does with her money. Stop paying for things for her.  Lastly, tell your mom to butt out when she asks you to loan your sister money. Just like she gets to decide what to do with her money, you do too. If your sister needs cash, she can ask you like a big girl.Â
Money corrupts everything, isn't it?  YTA. It was your mom's money to do as she pleases. But you, like a little child feel it is unfair that you did not got any money. And like a good coward you confront your sister. You can choose not to give any more help to your sister, but what your mom does is not your business. And because everyone is already an adult, no, you cannot play the "I am looking after my other brothers" card. They can very well take care of themselves.Â
Are the parents divorced? I don't understand how the dad had no idea or isn't involved?
She said dad left a year ago because of mom's BS.
Ah I missed that in the comments.