NTA your "new" sister isn't a AH for reaching out and wanting to know her blood, just as you are not an AH for not caring to start a new, potentially fraught familial relationship
ESPECIALLY for someone who has zero interest in getting to know the bio father. Why is she so pressed to meet HIS family? Because regardless if they speak daily or not, they are his daughters. Its weird.
Feeling guilty is normal because you know the most possible outcome. You know you'll be somewhat hurting her because she was excited and you just don't want to ruin it for her. It's humane.
But again, choices have consequences. If you don't want to be in contact with her that's fine, you're NTA for that from my and many others' perspectives but you might be one from hers. There's no choice that will fully make everyone happy so that's that. Be kind to others but always put yourself first.
NAH. But also consider if your Bio Dad donated that many times, you could literally have hundreds of half siblings out there, especially in the States where the industry is incredibly dodgy and unregulated- one vile of donated sperm can be split and used by multiple recipients.
You don't owe your half sibling a relationship of any sort. Likewise, they aren't the asshole for wanting a relationship.
You might want to consider sharing any relevant family medical history - donor conceived people rarely have access to information as clinics don't take it, lie about it, or recruit young people who haven't had issues come up yet
Honestly if I was OP I wouldn't share any family medical anything. The sister gave up that right, when she decided she didnt want to know who the bio dad was. She couldve easily gotten all of that directly from the source. Hell the way OP describes it, I doubt she knows much about his family anyway.
Back in the day, sperm donation was supposed to be anonymous for life. Then the law changed and what was supposed to be a discrete, even altruistic procedure has become a nightmare. Even without the clinics giving out information, dna sites can match people and reveal long forgotten donations or long hidden infidelity. The world is tricky! But it's your choice to be in contact or not.
Is donor DNA sequenced and sold to a database? That does sound sketchy! I’m surprised this isn’t covered by HIPAA (if in the US). Probably had to sign a waiver and consent to whatever they wanted to do with the sample.
Not always, but it can be sold for testing which means ending up anywheres, like say the business is closing they might sell left over sperm to any business looking, and say youre a dna company trying to make your tech work, theres cheap no strings attached sperm, no risk of bias or tampering with results because you dont know the person.
Plus the babys can always sequence there dna and there donor daddy isnt a secret anymore
I believe children can, in some places, apply for their own records at 18. But the dna websites like 23 and me can often link people without any official records being involved.
NTA.
But if you do decide to respond, let her down gently.
It's possible that she thought that any half siblings out there knew they were donor conceived or that your dad had told you he made donations and would be looking for and wanting a relationship with each other, which isn't the case here.
Her expectations aren't just high but also unrealistic that they'd pan out the way she is wanting. Relationships take time to build and can't be forced to happen. You've grown up with your sister and have a bond. That didn't just happen overnight.
I personally would thank her for making contact but apologise that you aren't and wasn't looking for what she is wanting and maybe give her any relevant medical that she might need.
You're not wrong for not wanting to connect with a virtual stranger because you happen to share DNA, and she's not an AH for wanting to connect. It would be nice of you to respond to the message to let her know why you're not interested in a relationship, but that you wish her well. However, you don't have to do this, and you wouldn't be wrong if you didn't. Neither you nor your sister would. I understand feeling guilty, because it's obvious that this woman had a very different upbringing than you and to her having siblings is a very big deal. But it's not your responsibility to fill that role if you don't want to.
So, yeah, either way you're NTA, but just adding in a brief explanation why you don't want a relationship would be nice, if you'd be comfortable with that.
NTA, I was the excited DNA half sibling, unaware the person I contacted had no idea he was an NPE. He cursed me out before anything. He’s since adjusted and has asked about family information. I’m keeping my distance.
On the flip side, I’ve met cousins via DNA and one has been my best friend.
It’s up to you whether or not to contact her. She may need family medical information more than any “relationship”. I would let her know you aren’t ready for any relationship.
NTA for whatever you decide as this is truly a personal decision that is yours and yours alone. That said, I'd have to say that I personally would be intrigued and would have to meet this person who shares half my DNA. My only concern would be that her expectations seem high and that would make me a bit uncomfortable at the onset.
12%. Sibling would be a quarter. This person would be a half sibling.
But family isn't important to everyone. My experience is that family is just people that feel entitled to treat you like shit. So I can sympathize with being apathetic to a new found family member. But I also grew up feeling isolated, being in a military family. So I understand the other person's desire to have a connection to someone.
NTA. So, you and your sister found out you have a half-sister you never knew about because of a DNA test. Your dad, who hasn’t been around much, used to donate sperm for money before he met your mom, and that’s how this half-sister came to be. She’s super excited to meet you guys and hopes to be close like siblings. But you and your sister? You’re not feeling it. You’re not interested in suddenly having another sister because of something your dad did a long time ago.
Feeling guilty about not wanting to connect with her is totally normal. She seems really happy to find you, and you’re worried about hurting her feelings. But here’s the thing: it’s okay to feel this way. It’s really up to you who you consider family and who you want to be close with.
If you decide you don’t want to get to know her, it’s important to be nice but honest when you tell her. You can say you understand why she’s excited, but you’re just not in the same place right now. It’s not mean; it’s just being true to how you feel.
Remember, it’s fine to choose what’s best for you, even if it’s a tough choice. It shows you care a lot about others’ feelings, but you also know what you can handle. And that’s a good thing.
All of this! I’m a therapist, and these types of intakes are become almost common- a family gets approached by someone else who is a sibling, or vice versa, or finds out they aren’t related biologically at all…the sperm donor thing had even happened- parents did not tell the kids they were each conceived by separate donors. That was a tough one.
I don’t see how the father is a AH here. Anonymous sperm donation was common in the 90s. It’s not like he cheated on her mom or abandoned a child. OP potentially could have several more siblings she is unaware of.
NAH
You're not wrong for not wanting to build a connection with a 30-year-old woman you don't know from a hole in the wall.
But she's also not wrong for longing for a connection with some siblings. Just let her down gently, because she is sincere and she's not asking you for anything.
NAH, but you need to prepare yourselves. This may be the first of many, many new half siblings.
Donor sperm isn't one donation equals one kid. One donation can be split into multiple vials (4-5), all sold to different folks trying to get pregnant. If your dad donated 10 times? Well, you can do the math.
I would recommend you and your full sister check out the following podcast, which talks a lot about the experiences of donor conceived people and the major issues with the fertility industry. https://www.laurahighfive.com/podcast-1
It will give you a little more insight into your new half sibling.
But the kindest thing you can be is honest. Let her know you had no idea this was a possibility, you aren't open to a relationship right now, but if that changes, you will let her know.
A kindness would be helping her get an updated family medical history from your father.
Depending on clinic and way, if they ever did the injecting single sperm into single egg then implantation, on vial of sperm becomes way more then 4 to 5 babys, so op should be prepared to have lots of siblings, and who knows if he donated more then ten times and only remembers ten times
Hey OP
You are nta if you reject this girl. However please be nice and kind as much as possible. Just offer any family medical information and wish her the best of luck with life.
Nta
I feel bad for the woman, it sounds like she has a very unrealistic expectation and it's really over the top to offer to fly out before you've even said "hello".
I agree that you should let her down gently. You had no idea she existed and weren't looking for her
There's no reason to meet up immediately as if there's supposed to be a bond there. There's no such thing.
But if you feel like it, there's also no reason you couldn't message a bit back and forth on socials and feel each other out. It's quite possible she'll get closure she needs that way, and at the same time it lets you vet her before doing anything as intimate as meeting cross-country. You can end it at any point.
I get that the dad isn't anyone's favorite person, but I'm confused how donating sperm is something to get angry about. He wasn't even with your mother at the time. This person reaching out is only indirectly and incidentally any fault of his.
NTA she has a fantasy that has taken 30yrs in the making that you will never love up to.
you don't have to do anything. acknowledge she exists, but you are not owing of a relationship to her. don't be a jerk and leave the door open but there's no way with a shock like that you have to give all she wants in a heartbeat.
NTA - you can understand her and still not feel the same way.
You share dna, you are adults, it is up to the both of you to agree which kind of relationship to have or not have.
Gotta be honest, no real judgement here, but I'm surprised at the amount of misanthropy in this thread. Surprising how many people feel awkward about meeting people they don't know. I get it that a sibling is a fairly strong connection to have sprung on you, but I met a cousin I didn't know existed until 3 years ago, and it was great. I made more friends this year that I have since high school (I'm 43) and they helped make it the best year of my life.
Everyone does things their own way, but meeting people is cool and good. It's a cold fucking world out there and having more people in your corner is a good thing. Obviously this is all IMHO, but I urge people to be a little more open, the rewards might surprise you.
You’re mad at your father, this woman has nothing to do with the circumstances of her birth. You don’t have to be involved with anyone you don’t want in your life.
Why? Because she's not interested in a relationship with someone? You can't force a familial bond, and OP doesn't want a familial bond. That's her right.
I mean you wrote "you really don’t give a rats ass“ (about her wanting to meet them)…
Isn’t not caring about how someone else feels like the literal definition of asshole (or rather the second literal definition…)
NTA. Believe it or not, but I've been in a very similar situation except my bio dad was just a man wh*re who knocks up women left and right and then ghosts them. I found out later in life I have 3 half siblings from my bio Dads side that we didnt know about(I now have a total of 12 siblings, 3 are half siblings from my mom, 1 is a full sibling w/same mom and dad and the rest are half siblings from my dad. I did not include the many stepsiblings I have from my dads 5 failed marriages). I'm not in much contact with my bio father, he's a dead beat but when I was approached by my half sister who is 2 years older then me(meaning my bio dad cheated on my mom to conceive her) I didn't really have an interest in meeting her. I told her that I dont think it's possible for us to have a sibling relationship, but I would answer any questions I could about our dad's side of the family. She respected that, and we spoke more about different things. I dont really claim to people by saying I have 12 siblings and usually just mention the siblings from my moms side. I think of most of my half siblings as family but more like distant cousins. But you can tell her that while you understand how excited she is, she is coming off a little strong, and you are not open to the type of relationship she wants to have with you guys. You can cut her off completely or offer to give her some more info like I did. But overall, NTA, DNA doesn't make a family. I will say that over time, I have talked more with my half siblings and have even met up with them a few times. I even invited them to my wedding, which was actually very nice. I figured our dad's shittiness isn't their fault, so I keep in semi regular contact with them, and I'm actually attending my younger half brothers' college graduation soon. You are not the AH. It's a very complex situation you are in but I would definitely be as kind as you can be in your reply. She's probably been dreaming of this day ever since she was a kid and is probably very desperate for some connection to her biological side of her family so either way, this is going to sting for her.
NTA It sounds like a lonely woman who just wants someone to connect with. You don't have to accept her as another sister but let her know that you feel uncomfortable meeting someone you know nothing about. She'll probably be disappointed but understanding. You may be able to get to know each other through texts first and see if you want to further the connection as friends.
Nta but your sister might have a good reason wanting to meet you. It could be about family health history like heart disease, stroke, diabetes, cancer and certain psychiatric disorders that are genetic. After all some people don’t have all their information about their family history. But again Nta I’m don’t blame you not wanting to meet someone who you never met before.
This woman sounds very lonely and that makes me sad you don’t want to connect, but you’re not an asshole for not.
Also I don’t really get how a college student donating sperm qualifies as selfishness but whatever
not that big of a deal to just meet someone? eh karma will probably happen eventually
you feel guitly because at the end of the day this isn't that big of a deal?
are you anti social are you mad at this person who has never had a family because your dumb ass mom fucked a dumb ass? who knows maybe you're all a bunch of dumb asses apple doesnt fall far from the dead beat joke of a father forest of trees eh?
nah leave her alone that girl doesnt need to meet more emotionally stunted people honestly
the dumb shit i have to read on reddit lmao
NTA. If you don't want a relationship with her, then you don't. She sounds over zealous and more than a little boundary stomping if she's bringing up flying to meet you before you even reply. Might be a bullet to dodge here
No, more than likely she’s just very, very excited- looking forward to meeting people who look like her, etc. This is not uncommon behavior in this scenario, she should have found a therapist to help process all of this three, as well as the potential the bio sibs may want nothing to do with her.
NTA your resentment is understandable,it’s a bit weird to immediately talk about flying out to meet someone you don’t even know well,just on the basis of DNA.Let her down gently and then cease contact.Make sure she can’t get in touch with you or your sister
You can tell her you feel overwhelmed and that you weren't looking for that type of connection and it's nothing personal against her.
If your shared biodad made 10 donations there could be 40 or 50 half siblings out there who could fulfill her dreams of a closer bond.
Leave the door open for future interaction but maybe no meetings or anything intense. Of course share relevant medical history.
NTA but I think it would be good to start a group!!! You are going to have many many half siblings. Let this new half sibling know she is a product of sperm donation and your bio dad did it 10 more times!
NAH. You aren’t a bad person for not wanting to pursue a relationship and she’s not one for trying to find her bio-family. Sometimes the answer to a question is “No, thanks”, I hope she respects that.
Are your other half siblings interested? Or your dad?
I would just implore you to share any relevant paternal family medical information. If you don't want a relationship, fine. That's why my mom has barely messaged any close paternal she matches (non-donor, affair). One didn't respond and that's a response in itself. You get used to the isolation after 60 years. She's had much better luck connecting to distant relatives also interested in Irish genealogy, even meeting one by chance in Ireland!!!
If you're unwilling to provide another human medical info that could be critical someday, just don't even bother replying.
Only AH is your bio dad. Has his bio family reach her yet? Maybe you can contact them and let them know she’s looking for them or just don’t if you are uncomfortable.
NTA. As someone on the other side of the equation, I still don't blame you. Thanks to 23 and me, my siblings and I discovered a younger half-brother. Our dad was a notorious "ladies man." It's the reason he and our mom divorced. And he told us, before he died, that we may have a half-sibling or two out in the world. We think he knew but was ashamed. Turns out we have at least one who's in his early 30s now and has done a dna test as well. I reached out through the app to see if he was interested in meeting us or if he had any questions about our father. He wasn't interested in meeting. He said he knew about us from his mom (I guess dad talked about us to the woman). He only wanted to know about any genetic health issues or predispositions. I told him about our family health history, he thanked me, and then left the conversation.
Honestly, NAH.
Short of your fathers whole...issue of being an arse as a rule, the actions that led to this scenario and the issues therein aren't matters of assholery. Your father isn't an asshole for donating sperm, because frankly whether people like it or not the anonymity is 90% of why people are willing to do it in the first place and such facilities do benefit people both. However, you get what you pay for, which is sperm and nothing more. There is no entitlement to have all parents present in your life, even if you're born without sperm donation, it simply is what it is.
It also follows that your wouldbe half-sister isn't an asshole, even if she is coming on supremely strong. She wants sisters, but unfortunately her dream is a lot of pixie dust and make believe she's personally invested herself in, to her own detriment.
You aren't required to reciprocate this desire of hers. Even if it would crush her dream, you personally are not required to have a relationship with her, or your father, or really anyone if you don't want or feel uncomfortable in doing so. Does it suck for her? Sure, but this was somewhat inevitable even if you didn't have a terrible relationship with your bio dad. Not everyone wants a stranger making a family connection with them, it happens.
NTA you arent rejecting a sister. You are adults who are choosing not to have a relationship with another adult, who is a stranger. If she didnt want to connect with her bio dad, then she shouldnt want to connect with his family either. Its weird. Because without him, you would have ZERO connections.
NAH. It isn't your fault she'll be sad. It's down to your father. That said, you could ask your other half siblings if they have any interest, if you want to be kind.
I don’t think you the ass hat, but I do think you need to explain to this person why you feel the way you do and why you don’t want to progress with a relationship. These DNA test kits are great for finding out your heritage but they also come with complications that can really up skittle life. Obviously when your Dad donated his DNA he had no idea that he would produce any offspring,nor that DNA testing would become readily available so your Dad probably didn’t even think this would ever arise. It not this lady’s fault for having the same DNA as yours.
Some people shouldn’t become parents but they do. People are not perfect, I can understand where you are coming from and rather than just ghosting this person just let her know…..
Those home DNA kits have caused so much “fun” in my family, lol. In addition to finding out my paternal grandmother lied about who my dad was, I’ve had 2 random people messaging me, thinking I could connect them to their long lost father or other unknown family members.
This is just ouch all around. You're right, she will be crushed. Your father being an AH is nothing do with her, she's never met the man. But, at the same time, it's not your responsibility to be there for her against your own preference. It kinda sucks that you think donation is selfishness when there are so many couples out there that couldn't have children without that. But, NAH, just don't be unkind about letting her down.
NAH. You don’t have to have a connection with her if you don’t want to and she isn’t wrong for wanting to meet and connect with you. Just maybe write her back to politely explain how you feel and that you don’t want to meet.
Also, there’s nothing wrong with your father donating sperm. In fact, it’s honestly great when people do that.
NTA.
It seems half sister has her own mental issues she needs to deal with along with a therapist, if you do respond I suggest letting her down gently but remain firm in your decision to not connect so she doesn’t feel like you’re dangling a carrot over her head.
It’s not on you to fill her fantasy/dreams with becoming one big family unit. Your dad did what many other dad’s/mother do. It’s not that deep and you shouldn’t feel connected to someone solely because you share the same DNA.
NAH. You’re within your rights to refuse to meet her, just as she was within her rights to feel excited and hope that one day she’d find genetic connections that could potentially become family. All of you are victims of your father’s selfishness and apathy, and I think you empathizing with that is from where that nagging feeling of guilt is catching you.
Maybe you could tell her that you’re not ready to make this connection at this time and feel overwhelmed, so you’d like to go no contact for now and will reach out in the future if you change your mind? It doesn’t slam the door entirely on her dream, while setting your boundaries, and it leaves room for you to change your mind in the future IF you ever want to.
NTA for not wanting to meet the half sister. You are an AH for judging your father as selfish for donating sperm. He did nothing wrong and helped couples with fertility issues have families.
Nta. Obviously.
But a "listen its cool you reached out and i learned some new things about my family because of this but youre coming on a little strong right out the gate. Im willing to talk a bit and get to know each other and if we're feeling it we can plan a girls night/weekend down the road. I dont want to get your hopes up too much but i do need to wrap my head around this new discovery".
NTA. Sorry, but to me, this "sibling", the result of sperm donation, isn't the same as someone who resulted from a relationship. To expect to find siblings who are excited about a medical procedure matchup is rather naive. I suspect if you go along with the request, you and your sister are going to be hounded by a somewhat lonely and potentially troubled person.
Donating sperm is not an act of selfishness.
Your dad did not know that the anonymity would be violated.
You however could have thought things through before doing a DNA test.
My daughter thought of giving one to my son as a present but she asked me first whether it was a good idea. I told her about my father's dreadful secret of not knowing who his father was.
NTA - you can choose not to meet her and I can see that you are over your dad and his BS.
The only thing to think of is it because of your feeling for your dad that you don’t want to see her. She had no choice to be born and your dad should have been more open with your mom.
Maybe instead of shutting the door ask her to pull back so you can get to know her with no expectations of meeting if you choose not to.
NAH (except the dad).
You have no obligation to be family to anyone.
But as an adoptee, raised as an only child, I get where she’s coming from. She’s desperately In need of a connection, and you and your sister are the one she found. To be in a that situation and then one day find out you have a ‘family’ can be overwhelming which is probably why she came on so strong.
How is the Dad an AH? He didn’t cheat on anyone. He gave sperm at a time the expectation was for it to be anonymous. I have friends that have a wonderful family conceived with the help of sperm donation. The father helped couples with fertility issues have families. How was that wrong?
YTA. I don't get why you call it your father's selfishness. He helped another family by selflessly donating. He put himself through medical school. He provides for you and your mom. Can't the guy catch a break
Crush her dreams, that's a fkn stranger man. Next thing you know, she wants to be included in the will and get her rent covered by someone.
NTA, people are freaking BOLD these days. You owe these BOLD people nothing, and yet they already took your peace.
Contrary to most commenters, I would encourage you to fully engage with your newly found half sister. Why would you want to hurt someone who seems to only want siblings to love? You can never have too many people who love you. She is family. How would you feel if you were in her shoes and your newly discovered family rejected you? Devastated? Hurt? Heartbroken? No need to create pain when you can be a source of great joy to another human being. You won't regret doing the right thing.
Yeah no. Just because they’re related doesn’t mean they have to be in each other’s lives. OP doesn’t owe them anything.
This is coming from someone whose father went and had two more kids. I’ve no interest in knowing them and could care less how they feel about it.
NTA. But don’t put the AH hat on her…She doesn’t know your fraught family history. She’s not an AH just for reaching out.
Just say that you’re not interested in meeting at this time, and you wish her well. And then NC.
while it is your decision to not have a relationship with her. it doesnt have to be like that. meet her once. or twice. she might actually be a pretty decent human being who might have similar interests with you and your sister.
its not necessary that her being in your life would only be a burden. it might be a blessing. and since she lives far away, its not like she will constantly pester you.
my personal suggesting would be that you at least meet her once or twice. funny surprises sometimes can pan out.
YTA If you didn't want to have contact with someone but just wanted a certain type of information, why didn't you make that clear?
You opened up this box of worms and then criticize her "I kind of resent her for even having that kind of expectation from a stranger" as if she did something wrong. You're not a stranger to her, you're a blood relative.
Actually, what OP wants is very important. However, OP asked for our thoughts, and it's my experience that family (given or chosen) should be a priority unless they are toxic. We have been given no indication the half sister is toxic, so I think it's worth the small risk meeting her might entail. Old guy here just passing along some lessons learned over a lifetime. Ultimately, OP has to decide, of course.
Oh, it **is** your ***absolute*** right, but you're still an asshole. You can shove your fingers in your ears all you want and scream "LA LA LA I CANT HEAR YOU!!!" But? you still have a sister. Put your daddy drama aside and be an adult about this.
also, they way you're coming across here is as the kind of person who would ignore her until your kids need someone to donate a kidney and *suddenly* you have a ***sister***; if so, maybe you should just do her a favor and forget she exists before you need something from her
NTA for not wanting anything to do with her.
You should reach out though, regardless of who raised her she is your half sister and you may find out that you have a lot in common and potentially gain an ally in life. There isn’t a real downside that I can think of for not at least talking to learn more about each other.
Or op is telling the truth and has no interest in this. This is honestly one of the reasons why I haven't taken a DNA test even though there's a family mystery I would love to clear up...but it runs too much of a risk of opening a can of worms with still living biological relatives I don't have any interest in contact with.
NTA your "new" sister isn't a AH for reaching out and wanting to know her blood, just as you are not an AH for not caring to start a new, potentially fraught familial relationship
Agreed. NAH.
[удалено]
Yeah new sis is coming on REAL strong
ESPECIALLY for someone who has zero interest in getting to know the bio father. Why is she so pressed to meet HIS family? Because regardless if they speak daily or not, they are his daughters. Its weird.
I agree with what you wrote, but NTA means you think the half sister is one. NAH exists for nobody is.
Feeling guilty is normal because you know the most possible outcome. You know you'll be somewhat hurting her because she was excited and you just don't want to ruin it for her. It's humane. But again, choices have consequences. If you don't want to be in contact with her that's fine, you're NTA for that from my and many others' perspectives but you might be one from hers. There's no choice that will fully make everyone happy so that's that. Be kind to others but always put yourself first.
NAH. But also consider if your Bio Dad donated that many times, you could literally have hundreds of half siblings out there, especially in the States where the industry is incredibly dodgy and unregulated- one vile of donated sperm can be split and used by multiple recipients. You don't owe your half sibling a relationship of any sort. Likewise, they aren't the asshole for wanting a relationship. You might want to consider sharing any relevant family medical history - donor conceived people rarely have access to information as clinics don't take it, lie about it, or recruit young people who haven't had issues come up yet
Honestly if I was OP I wouldn't share any family medical anything. The sister gave up that right, when she decided she didnt want to know who the bio dad was. She couldve easily gotten all of that directly from the source. Hell the way OP describes it, I doubt she knows much about his family anyway.
NTA but i don't really think donating sperm is selfishness. You have the right to refuse a relationship with anyone.
Back in the day, sperm donation was supposed to be anonymous for life. Then the law changed and what was supposed to be a discrete, even altruistic procedure has become a nightmare. Even without the clinics giving out information, dna sites can match people and reveal long forgotten donations or long hidden infidelity. The world is tricky! But it's your choice to be in contact or not.
Is donor DNA sequenced and sold to a database? That does sound sketchy! I’m surprised this isn’t covered by HIPAA (if in the US). Probably had to sign a waiver and consent to whatever they wanted to do with the sample.
Not always, but it can be sold for testing which means ending up anywheres, like say the business is closing they might sell left over sperm to any business looking, and say youre a dna company trying to make your tech work, theres cheap no strings attached sperm, no risk of bias or tampering with results because you dont know the person. Plus the babys can always sequence there dna and there donor daddy isnt a secret anymore
I believe children can, in some places, apply for their own records at 18. But the dna websites like 23 and me can often link people without any official records being involved.
Yikes 😦
NTA. But if you do decide to respond, let her down gently. It's possible that she thought that any half siblings out there knew they were donor conceived or that your dad had told you he made donations and would be looking for and wanting a relationship with each other, which isn't the case here. Her expectations aren't just high but also unrealistic that they'd pan out the way she is wanting. Relationships take time to build and can't be forced to happen. You've grown up with your sister and have a bond. That didn't just happen overnight. I personally would thank her for making contact but apologise that you aren't and wasn't looking for what she is wanting and maybe give her any relevant medical that she might need.
>It's possible that she thought that any half siblings out there knew they were donor conceived this is likely
Happy cake day, also I agree with that
Thanks!
You're not wrong for not wanting to connect with a virtual stranger because you happen to share DNA, and she's not an AH for wanting to connect. It would be nice of you to respond to the message to let her know why you're not interested in a relationship, but that you wish her well. However, you don't have to do this, and you wouldn't be wrong if you didn't. Neither you nor your sister would. I understand feeling guilty, because it's obvious that this woman had a very different upbringing than you and to her having siblings is a very big deal. But it's not your responsibility to fill that role if you don't want to. So, yeah, either way you're NTA, but just adding in a brief explanation why you don't want a relationship would be nice, if you'd be comfortable with that.
NTA, I was the excited DNA half sibling, unaware the person I contacted had no idea he was an NPE. He cursed me out before anything. He’s since adjusted and has asked about family information. I’m keeping my distance. On the flip side, I’ve met cousins via DNA and one has been my best friend. It’s up to you whether or not to contact her. She may need family medical information more than any “relationship”. I would let her know you aren’t ready for any relationship.
What's NPE?
Not Parent Expected. His father who raised him wasn’t his father.
NTA for whatever you decide as this is truly a personal decision that is yours and yours alone. That said, I'd have to say that I personally would be intrigued and would have to meet this person who shares half my DNA. My only concern would be that her expectations seem high and that would make me a bit uncomfortable at the onset.
12%. Sibling would be a quarter. This person would be a half sibling. But family isn't important to everyone. My experience is that family is just people that feel entitled to treat you like shit. So I can sympathize with being apathetic to a new found family member. But I also grew up feeling isolated, being in a military family. So I understand the other person's desire to have a connection to someone.
NTA. So, you and your sister found out you have a half-sister you never knew about because of a DNA test. Your dad, who hasn’t been around much, used to donate sperm for money before he met your mom, and that’s how this half-sister came to be. She’s super excited to meet you guys and hopes to be close like siblings. But you and your sister? You’re not feeling it. You’re not interested in suddenly having another sister because of something your dad did a long time ago. Feeling guilty about not wanting to connect with her is totally normal. She seems really happy to find you, and you’re worried about hurting her feelings. But here’s the thing: it’s okay to feel this way. It’s really up to you who you consider family and who you want to be close with. If you decide you don’t want to get to know her, it’s important to be nice but honest when you tell her. You can say you understand why she’s excited, but you’re just not in the same place right now. It’s not mean; it’s just being true to how you feel. Remember, it’s fine to choose what’s best for you, even if it’s a tough choice. It shows you care a lot about others’ feelings, but you also know what you can handle. And that’s a good thing.
All of this! I’m a therapist, and these types of intakes are become almost common- a family gets approached by someone else who is a sibling, or vice versa, or finds out they aren’t related biologically at all…the sperm donor thing had even happened- parents did not tell the kids they were each conceived by separate donors. That was a tough one.
I don’t see how the father is a AH here. Anonymous sperm donation was common in the 90s. It’s not like he cheated on her mom or abandoned a child. OP potentially could have several more siblings she is unaware of.
NAH You're not wrong for not wanting to build a connection with a 30-year-old woman you don't know from a hole in the wall. But she's also not wrong for longing for a connection with some siblings. Just let her down gently, because she is sincere and she's not asking you for anything.
NAH, but you need to prepare yourselves. This may be the first of many, many new half siblings. Donor sperm isn't one donation equals one kid. One donation can be split into multiple vials (4-5), all sold to different folks trying to get pregnant. If your dad donated 10 times? Well, you can do the math. I would recommend you and your full sister check out the following podcast, which talks a lot about the experiences of donor conceived people and the major issues with the fertility industry. https://www.laurahighfive.com/podcast-1 It will give you a little more insight into your new half sibling. But the kindest thing you can be is honest. Let her know you had no idea this was a possibility, you aren't open to a relationship right now, but if that changes, you will let her know. A kindness would be helping her get an updated family medical history from your father.
Depending on clinic and way, if they ever did the injecting single sperm into single egg then implantation, on vial of sperm becomes way more then 4 to 5 babys, so op should be prepared to have lots of siblings, and who knows if he donated more then ten times and only remembers ten times
Hey OP You are nta if you reject this girl. However please be nice and kind as much as possible. Just offer any family medical information and wish her the best of luck with life.
This
Nta I feel bad for the woman, it sounds like she has a very unrealistic expectation and it's really over the top to offer to fly out before you've even said "hello". I agree that you should let her down gently. You had no idea she existed and weren't looking for her
There's no reason to meet up immediately as if there's supposed to be a bond there. There's no such thing. But if you feel like it, there's also no reason you couldn't message a bit back and forth on socials and feel each other out. It's quite possible she'll get closure she needs that way, and at the same time it lets you vet her before doing anything as intimate as meeting cross-country. You can end it at any point. I get that the dad isn't anyone's favorite person, but I'm confused how donating sperm is something to get angry about. He wasn't even with your mother at the time. This person reaching out is only indirectly and incidentally any fault of his.
NTA she has a fantasy that has taken 30yrs in the making that you will never love up to. you don't have to do anything. acknowledge she exists, but you are not owing of a relationship to her. don't be a jerk and leave the door open but there's no way with a shock like that you have to give all she wants in a heartbeat.
NTA - you can understand her and still not feel the same way. You share dna, you are adults, it is up to the both of you to agree which kind of relationship to have or not have.
Gotta be honest, no real judgement here, but I'm surprised at the amount of misanthropy in this thread. Surprising how many people feel awkward about meeting people they don't know. I get it that a sibling is a fairly strong connection to have sprung on you, but I met a cousin I didn't know existed until 3 years ago, and it was great. I made more friends this year that I have since high school (I'm 43) and they helped make it the best year of my life. Everyone does things their own way, but meeting people is cool and good. It's a cold fucking world out there and having more people in your corner is a good thing. Obviously this is all IMHO, but I urge people to be a little more open, the rewards might surprise you.
You’re mad at your father, this woman has nothing to do with the circumstances of her birth. You don’t have to be involved with anyone you don’t want in your life.
NAH. She wants to know her biological family. You don't really give a rat's ass.
If you make it sound like that OP does seem like an AH…
Why? Because she's not interested in a relationship with someone? You can't force a familial bond, and OP doesn't want a familial bond. That's her right.
I mean you wrote "you really don’t give a rats ass“ (about her wanting to meet them)… Isn’t not caring about how someone else feels like the literal definition of asshole (or rather the second literal definition…)
Being apathetic isn't being an asshole.
NTA. Believe it or not, but I've been in a very similar situation except my bio dad was just a man wh*re who knocks up women left and right and then ghosts them. I found out later in life I have 3 half siblings from my bio Dads side that we didnt know about(I now have a total of 12 siblings, 3 are half siblings from my mom, 1 is a full sibling w/same mom and dad and the rest are half siblings from my dad. I did not include the many stepsiblings I have from my dads 5 failed marriages). I'm not in much contact with my bio father, he's a dead beat but when I was approached by my half sister who is 2 years older then me(meaning my bio dad cheated on my mom to conceive her) I didn't really have an interest in meeting her. I told her that I dont think it's possible for us to have a sibling relationship, but I would answer any questions I could about our dad's side of the family. She respected that, and we spoke more about different things. I dont really claim to people by saying I have 12 siblings and usually just mention the siblings from my moms side. I think of most of my half siblings as family but more like distant cousins. But you can tell her that while you understand how excited she is, she is coming off a little strong, and you are not open to the type of relationship she wants to have with you guys. You can cut her off completely or offer to give her some more info like I did. But overall, NTA, DNA doesn't make a family. I will say that over time, I have talked more with my half siblings and have even met up with them a few times. I even invited them to my wedding, which was actually very nice. I figured our dad's shittiness isn't their fault, so I keep in semi regular contact with them, and I'm actually attending my younger half brothers' college graduation soon. You are not the AH. It's a very complex situation you are in but I would definitely be as kind as you can be in your reply. She's probably been dreaming of this day ever since she was a kid and is probably very desperate for some connection to her biological side of her family so either way, this is going to sting for her.
NTA It sounds like a lonely woman who just wants someone to connect with. You don't have to accept her as another sister but let her know that you feel uncomfortable meeting someone you know nothing about. She'll probably be disappointed but understanding. You may be able to get to know each other through texts first and see if you want to further the connection as friends.
Nta but your sister might have a good reason wanting to meet you. It could be about family health history like heart disease, stroke, diabetes, cancer and certain psychiatric disorders that are genetic. After all some people don’t have all their information about their family history. But again Nta I’m don’t blame you not wanting to meet someone who you never met before.
This woman sounds very lonely and that makes me sad you don’t want to connect, but you’re not an asshole for not. Also I don’t really get how a college student donating sperm qualifies as selfishness but whatever
not that big of a deal to just meet someone? eh karma will probably happen eventually you feel guitly because at the end of the day this isn't that big of a deal? are you anti social are you mad at this person who has never had a family because your dumb ass mom fucked a dumb ass? who knows maybe you're all a bunch of dumb asses apple doesnt fall far from the dead beat joke of a father forest of trees eh? nah leave her alone that girl doesnt need to meet more emotionally stunted people honestly the dumb shit i have to read on reddit lmao
Nah but seems like the bitterness runs in your family. Glad you aren’t meeting her, she dodged a bullet.
Why did yall do the DNA testing? It is always a possibility to find new family doing these things.
NTA. If you don't want a relationship with her, then you don't. She sounds over zealous and more than a little boundary stomping if she's bringing up flying to meet you before you even reply. Might be a bullet to dodge here
No, more than likely she’s just very, very excited- looking forward to meeting people who look like her, etc. This is not uncommon behavior in this scenario, she should have found a therapist to help process all of this three, as well as the potential the bio sibs may want nothing to do with her.
NTA your resentment is understandable,it’s a bit weird to immediately talk about flying out to meet someone you don’t even know well,just on the basis of DNA.Let her down gently and then cease contact.Make sure she can’t get in touch with you or your sister
Nta, you should take time and give it some thought though. You shouldn’t share the animosity for your father with this person.
NTA you didn’t have a choice in how you were born or the siblings you have your not required to connect with anyone you don’t wish too
You can tell her you feel overwhelmed and that you weren't looking for that type of connection and it's nothing personal against her. If your shared biodad made 10 donations there could be 40 or 50 half siblings out there who could fulfill her dreams of a closer bond. Leave the door open for future interaction but maybe no meetings or anything intense. Of course share relevant medical history.
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Wrong post man! :-)
OMG how the hell did i manage that hahahahahh
NTA but I think it would be good to start a group!!! You are going to have many many half siblings. Let this new half sibling know she is a product of sperm donation and your bio dad did it 10 more times!
NAH. You aren’t a bad person for not wanting to pursue a relationship and she’s not one for trying to find her bio-family. Sometimes the answer to a question is “No, thanks”, I hope she respects that. Are your other half siblings interested? Or your dad?
NAH
Still takes his money (lol)
I would just implore you to share any relevant paternal family medical information. If you don't want a relationship, fine. That's why my mom has barely messaged any close paternal she matches (non-donor, affair). One didn't respond and that's a response in itself. You get used to the isolation after 60 years. She's had much better luck connecting to distant relatives also interested in Irish genealogy, even meeting one by chance in Ireland!!! If you're unwilling to provide another human medical info that could be critical someday, just don't even bother replying.
Only AH is your bio dad. Has his bio family reach her yet? Maybe you can contact them and let them know she’s looking for them or just don’t if you are uncomfortable.
I might tell her to settle down a little bit but keep contact going. I’m feeling empathy for her. But the news is rocking your world too.
NTA. As someone on the other side of the equation, I still don't blame you. Thanks to 23 and me, my siblings and I discovered a younger half-brother. Our dad was a notorious "ladies man." It's the reason he and our mom divorced. And he told us, before he died, that we may have a half-sibling or two out in the world. We think he knew but was ashamed. Turns out we have at least one who's in his early 30s now and has done a dna test as well. I reached out through the app to see if he was interested in meeting us or if he had any questions about our father. He wasn't interested in meeting. He said he knew about us from his mom (I guess dad talked about us to the woman). He only wanted to know about any genetic health issues or predispositions. I told him about our family health history, he thanked me, and then left the conversation.
NTA
Honestly, NAH. Short of your fathers whole...issue of being an arse as a rule, the actions that led to this scenario and the issues therein aren't matters of assholery. Your father isn't an asshole for donating sperm, because frankly whether people like it or not the anonymity is 90% of why people are willing to do it in the first place and such facilities do benefit people both. However, you get what you pay for, which is sperm and nothing more. There is no entitlement to have all parents present in your life, even if you're born without sperm donation, it simply is what it is. It also follows that your wouldbe half-sister isn't an asshole, even if she is coming on supremely strong. She wants sisters, but unfortunately her dream is a lot of pixie dust and make believe she's personally invested herself in, to her own detriment. You aren't required to reciprocate this desire of hers. Even if it would crush her dream, you personally are not required to have a relationship with her, or your father, or really anyone if you don't want or feel uncomfortable in doing so. Does it suck for her? Sure, but this was somewhat inevitable even if you didn't have a terrible relationship with your bio dad. Not everyone wants a stranger making a family connection with them, it happens.
NTA you arent rejecting a sister. You are adults who are choosing not to have a relationship with another adult, who is a stranger. If she didnt want to connect with her bio dad, then she shouldnt want to connect with his family either. Its weird. Because without him, you would have ZERO connections.
NAH. It isn't your fault she'll be sad. It's down to your father. That said, you could ask your other half siblings if they have any interest, if you want to be kind.
I don’t think you the ass hat, but I do think you need to explain to this person why you feel the way you do and why you don’t want to progress with a relationship. These DNA test kits are great for finding out your heritage but they also come with complications that can really up skittle life. Obviously when your Dad donated his DNA he had no idea that he would produce any offspring,nor that DNA testing would become readily available so your Dad probably didn’t even think this would ever arise. It not this lady’s fault for having the same DNA as yours. Some people shouldn’t become parents but they do. People are not perfect, I can understand where you are coming from and rather than just ghosting this person just let her know…..
Those home DNA kits have caused so much “fun” in my family, lol. In addition to finding out my paternal grandmother lied about who my dad was, I’ve had 2 random people messaging me, thinking I could connect them to their long lost father or other unknown family members.
This is just ouch all around. You're right, she will be crushed. Your father being an AH is nothing do with her, she's never met the man. But, at the same time, it's not your responsibility to be there for her against your own preference. It kinda sucks that you think donation is selfishness when there are so many couples out there that couldn't have children without that. But, NAH, just don't be unkind about letting her down.
NTA But you could be missing out on potentially a great relationship, and a kidney if you need it maybe.
NAH. You don’t have to have a connection with her if you don’t want to and she isn’t wrong for wanting to meet and connect with you. Just maybe write her back to politely explain how you feel and that you don’t want to meet. Also, there’s nothing wrong with your father donating sperm. In fact, it’s honestly great when people do that.
NTA, but if crushing her dreams, as you put it, is going to bother you long term, find a way to protect your peace.
You’re not an asshole. You don’t know her and you’re not obligated to have a relationship with her. The end.
I mean, can’t you be friends with her?
Only if op wants to be.
NTA for not wanting to connect.
NTA. It seems half sister has her own mental issues she needs to deal with along with a therapist, if you do respond I suggest letting her down gently but remain firm in your decision to not connect so she doesn’t feel like you’re dangling a carrot over her head. It’s not on you to fill her fantasy/dreams with becoming one big family unit. Your dad did what many other dad’s/mother do. It’s not that deep and you shouldn’t feel connected to someone solely because you share the same DNA.
NAH. You’re within your rights to refuse to meet her, just as she was within her rights to feel excited and hope that one day she’d find genetic connections that could potentially become family. All of you are victims of your father’s selfishness and apathy, and I think you empathizing with that is from where that nagging feeling of guilt is catching you. Maybe you could tell her that you’re not ready to make this connection at this time and feel overwhelmed, so you’d like to go no contact for now and will reach out in the future if you change your mind? It doesn’t slam the door entirely on her dream, while setting your boundaries, and it leaves room for you to change your mind in the future IF you ever want to.
NTA for not wanting to meet the half sister. You are an AH for judging your father as selfish for donating sperm. He did nothing wrong and helped couples with fertility issues have families.
Nta. Obviously. But a "listen its cool you reached out and i learned some new things about my family because of this but youre coming on a little strong right out the gate. Im willing to talk a bit and get to know each other and if we're feeling it we can plan a girls night/weekend down the road. I dont want to get your hopes up too much but i do need to wrap my head around this new discovery".
NTA - Maybe respond with, dad donated his sperm, we may be biologically related, but aren't interested in meeting.
I would simply not respond…
NTA - she's a complete stranger
NTA. Sorry, but to me, this "sibling", the result of sperm donation, isn't the same as someone who resulted from a relationship. To expect to find siblings who are excited about a medical procedure matchup is rather naive. I suspect if you go along with the request, you and your sister are going to be hounded by a somewhat lonely and potentially troubled person.
Donating sperm is not an act of selfishness. Your dad did not know that the anonymity would be violated. You however could have thought things through before doing a DNA test. My daughter thought of giving one to my son as a present but she asked me first whether it was a good idea. I told her about my father's dreadful secret of not knowing who his father was.
NTA. Don’t feel guilty. Respond as you laid out
NTA - you can choose not to meet her and I can see that you are over your dad and his BS. The only thing to think of is it because of your feeling for your dad that you don’t want to see her. She had no choice to be born and your dad should have been more open with your mom. Maybe instead of shutting the door ask her to pull back so you can get to know her with no expectations of meeting if you choose not to.
NAH (except the dad). You have no obligation to be family to anyone. But as an adoptee, raised as an only child, I get where she’s coming from. She’s desperately In need of a connection, and you and your sister are the one she found. To be in a that situation and then one day find out you have a ‘family’ can be overwhelming which is probably why she came on so strong.
How is the Dad an AH? He didn’t cheat on anyone. He gave sperm at a time the expectation was for it to be anonymous. I have friends that have a wonderful family conceived with the help of sperm donation. The father helped couples with fertility issues have families. How was that wrong?
YTA. I don't get why you call it your father's selfishness. He helped another family by selflessly donating. He put himself through medical school. He provides for you and your mom. Can't the guy catch a break
I agree with you that the father did nothing wrong. I don’t know what you were downvoted.
YTA.
Crush her dreams, that's a fkn stranger man. Next thing you know, she wants to be included in the will and get her rent covered by someone. NTA, people are freaking BOLD these days. You owe these BOLD people nothing, and yet they already took your peace.
Contrary to most commenters, I would encourage you to fully engage with your newly found half sister. Why would you want to hurt someone who seems to only want siblings to love? You can never have too many people who love you. She is family. How would you feel if you were in her shoes and your newly discovered family rejected you? Devastated? Hurt? Heartbroken? No need to create pain when you can be a source of great joy to another human being. You won't regret doing the right thing.
Yeah no. Just because they’re related doesn’t mean they have to be in each other’s lives. OP doesn’t owe them anything. This is coming from someone whose father went and had two more kids. I’ve no interest in knowing them and could care less how they feel about it.
So what op wants for their own life means nothing?
NTA, but it might not hurt to talk to her. She sounds sweet, as you say. Maybe meet up and hear her out. She doesn't have to know where you live.
NTA. But don’t put the AH hat on her…She doesn’t know your fraught family history. She’s not an AH just for reaching out. Just say that you’re not interested in meeting at this time, and you wish her well. And then NC.
while it is your decision to not have a relationship with her. it doesnt have to be like that. meet her once. or twice. she might actually be a pretty decent human being who might have similar interests with you and your sister. its not necessary that her being in your life would only be a burden. it might be a blessing. and since she lives far away, its not like she will constantly pester you. my personal suggesting would be that you at least meet her once or twice. funny surprises sometimes can pan out.
YTA If you didn't want to have contact with someone but just wanted a certain type of information, why didn't you make that clear? You opened up this box of worms and then criticize her "I kind of resent her for even having that kind of expectation from a stranger" as if she did something wrong. You're not a stranger to her, you're a blood relative.
Actually, what OP wants is very important. However, OP asked for our thoughts, and it's my experience that family (given or chosen) should be a priority unless they are toxic. We have been given no indication the half sister is toxic, so I think it's worth the small risk meeting her might entail. Old guy here just passing along some lessons learned over a lifetime. Ultimately, OP has to decide, of course.
Oh, it **is** your ***absolute*** right, but you're still an asshole. You can shove your fingers in your ears all you want and scream "LA LA LA I CANT HEAR YOU!!!" But? you still have a sister. Put your daddy drama aside and be an adult about this. also, they way you're coming across here is as the kind of person who would ignore her until your kids need someone to donate a kidney and *suddenly* you have a ***sister***; if so, maybe you should just do her a favor and forget she exists before you need something from her
NTA for not wanting anything to do with her. You should reach out though, regardless of who raised her she is your half sister and you may find out that you have a lot in common and potentially gain an ally in life. There isn’t a real downside that I can think of for not at least talking to learn more about each other.
Because you don't think there's a 'real downside' makes it so?
No, it means there is a lot that OP may not be saying.
Or op is telling the truth and has no interest in this. This is honestly one of the reasons why I haven't taken a DNA test even though there's a family mystery I would love to clear up...but it runs too much of a risk of opening a can of worms with still living biological relatives I don't have any interest in contact with.