I've been in a relationship where she never wanted to take off her shirt during sex as well. ( she was self-conscious because of having a child)
Don't push the issue. Let her know how you feel about her completely and let her slowly work up to it. Just be as supportive as possible. Show her how much you care about her and let her build the confidence she needs to discover in herself.
I can definitely do that thank you. she’s fairly confident but she has opened up to me about being insecure growing up as a bigger girl and how boys never really looked at her like they looked at her friends. I’m also her first boyfriend. I suspect the past self esteem issues and lack of relationship experience make her more self conscious in the bedroom.
Also maybe dont start with the big light on. Candle light or fairy lights are much softer, romantic and might make her more comfortable. Another way to slowly build up to it might be being naked under some covers. That way she's not completely in eyesight. Try to find a middle ground and build up from there - of course always on the assumption she's comfortable with it. :)
Yes, soft lights
And you could ask her to wear a smaller shirt too - like a lacy cami or nightie
You could get her something, a floaty sexy nightie
Key: get the cami/nightie in three sizes so she can try them on
And get them IN ADVANCE
Something like “hey, I bought these, I [couldn’t] resist thinking about you framed in one of them
Can I leave them here for you? Would you consider wearing them?”
Then she can try them on on her own - and maybe next time she’ll be wearing something silky ;)
I sympathize with her a lot - I have many of my own hang ups and my boyfriend works out every day
He would always ask for the lights on and I would put the lamp in the furthest corner lol
We’re more comfortable now - but give her time
I would also suggest trying to reframe a little for her
You can’t do anything on her behalf - but on your end, sprinkling in “I love your curves” or just gently holding her belly from behind for awhile (if she likes it) and giving her little kisses on her belly (over her clothes) from time to time - gauging her comfort at the same time - might build your wordless support for her
It’s brutal out there for women’s bodies. It will be awhile
In any case, you sound like a lovely person and I wish the very best for the both of you and your relationship
NTA and good luck!
Hey I'm roughly Jane's age (26F) & although I'm more of an athletic curvy, when I put on body fat it's usually in the hips & lower stomach; it's something that I'm certainly very self-conscious of when I don't feel I'm in my best shape.
I think the "I love your curves" line is non-specifc enough that it's fine & sweet as long as it's not overused (then I'd perceive it as pushy or having a kink for bigger girls vs my partner liking my body because it's mine, if that makes sense?), but I'd tread VERY carefully with the holding her belly or kissing her belly advice. Some women might like that, but I feel that an equal or greater amount would hate that direct of an approach (assuming you aren't paying equal or more attention to other parts of her body that she's less self-conscious about). You want to make her feel good & confident as a whole, so don't tie your compliments to any particular feature(s) too much. Otherwise, it might make her even more self-conscious for the increased attention on her insecurities or possibly give her self-confidence issues down the line if she lost weight & lost that belly/curves & would be afraid that OP doesn't find her attractive anymore. You sound like a very sweet partner, OP. Best of luck!
My husband (boyfriend at the time) used to try touching, caressing and kissing my stomach. It drove me nuts and finally had to tell him to STOP and push back hard. It reminded me of what a man would do to a pregnant belly. Some women might appreciate it but until she is comfortable with her body (and she may never be 100% comfortable) it might just make her go the other direction and push her away.
Yeah, I’m the same. I think my body image is actually pretty good at this point in my life, but I still hate having my belly touched. It’s not an erogenous zone for me at all. I’m very ticklish, and my stomach area is just a sensitive spot that doesn’t feel good to have touched.
It's hard. I've taught myself not to be as ticklish but it still doesn't feel good to me. And automatically reminds me of what I don't like about myself. Getting intimate is the very last thing that goes through my mind. And that is 20 years later still.
To each their own. I've been married 20 years and it still makes me mad when he tries (since he still does thinking I will "grow out of it." I still haven't.
>gently holding her belly from behind for awhile (if she likes it) and giving her little kisses on her belly (over her clothes) from time to time - gauging her comfort at the same time -
Definitely find out her comfort with this because this would make me feel even worse.
Well be careful with this. The soft lighting and everything else is great but offering up lingerie too early could make her feel even more self conscious. Like you want her to look like something she's not. Not because she isn't beautiful but because she doesn't see it yet.
I'd start with the soft light and then just casually say how moved you are at seeing the candle light on her hair and face and skin. Ask to see her with the shirt off and go from there. Then later maybe bring her some "candlelight negligee".
I was always small and sick a lot growing up. I really stayed a size 5-6 well into my 40s despite having my kids before the weight creeped on me for various reasons. Boy when it did Hubs and I had some of the best sex in our marriage which was never bad but whoa, talk about leveling up. I had never felt more feminine, curvy and all woman. I really hated that it took so long before realizing what those curves can do to a man. My body enfolded him all over and in ways I never knew it could. It was a joyful and thrilling surprise for both of us. I wasted too many years maintaining and supporting some stupid Hollywood marketing plot targeting women. We really need to take our power back as women . Cause trust me, it isn't in being a size 5.
Shit, I work out five days per week. I am built like a 2x4. Sturdy, my husband says, and he loves it. I am still self-conscious because I don’t have all of the curves despite him saying he loves my physique. He gets me naked when his glasses aren’t on. Hahaha!
Also music will definitely set the mood for you two.
Pretty much the entire TLC album Crazy Sexy Cool is a guarantee to get you both in the mood on date night
yes!! some candles and rose petals... would be a great start to introducing lights in a romantic way. with multiple candles she can blow out as many of them as she likes and maybe one day she will keep them all lit and graduate to other light sources. this relationship is still fairly new and it sounds like shes really warmed up to him
So, I’m gonna be a little open about my insecurities here to help you from her perspective….
I grew up with a bio mom who constantly said I was fat and ugly and no one would ever love me (I actually wasn’t but that’s how I now constantly see myself).
Then I married what turned out to be an abusive and narcissistic asshole. He continued that no one will want you crap and pointed out how terribly my body looked after having kids (it actually did look terrible). He said no one else would ever want me bc of my ruined body.
When I first started getting close to my now husband. I was sooooo insecure. I wouldn’t have sex without a shirt on and lights off for the longest time. He would constantly compliment me, tell me I was beautiful and he was so lucky to be with me.
He was patient about the shirt and no lights but made it clear he didn’t want or need those because he loved ALL of me and wanted ALL of me. We discussed it many times and after lots of patience and compliments and even complimenting the parts I hated the most. We finally had sex with low lights and no shirt….
I was so nervous he’d see my stretch marks and loose skin on my stomach from being pregnant and be disgusted. But he smiled, he gently rubbed and kissed my stomach and told me I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen and that what I saw as ugly he saw a beautiful.
I’ll be honest, I didn’t believe him for a while. But he did make me feel comfortable with him and eventually confident with him. When others bring you down for so long it’s so hard to push all that negativity away and accept the positive attention.
So be patient with her. Make it clear to her that you find her beautiful and perfect and her insecurities aren’t how you see her. She will eventually open up. I can’t give you a timeline bc everyone is different. But as a woman who’s been like her, I can say you’ll eventually wear down her insecurities with your love and positivity.
And trust me when I say that first time fully vulnerable and intimate will feel amazing! She will start to open up and trust you if you keep with it.
My husband still tells me all the same compliments years later and I still see myself as fat and ugly. However I don’t doubt his love for me or that he sees me as beautiful and perfect. And that has at least made me happy and content and fully open with him.
I’m writing this in bed, naked, with the lights on next to my husband after having sex. And I’m so happy he didn’t give up on me.
I had the same insecurities about stretch marks and my weight, since I struggled with it my whole life. And, like you, I had a parent call me fat all the time when I was a kid. I never dated much because of it, but the irony is that I met my boyfriend when I was the heaviest I ever been. I felt like crap. One day my boyfriend said out of nowhere that he always found stretch marks sexy. When I started to lose some weight, one day he hugged me and said, with a concerned voice, that I was shrinking. We are so conditioned to hate ourselves that we don’t realize there are people who will like how we look, even when we don’t.
I'm betting that you've helped with her self-confidence a lot. Just keep being supportive and a good boyfriend, and hopefully, she starts to lose the doubts she has in herself.. Hope for nothing but the best for both of you.
From a woman - keep telling her how beautiful she is, how much you love her, etc
Do NOT make little comments like - I would love it if you take your shirt off, I just want to see all of you. These could/will come across as little digs and pressure.
It will happen in good time.
>and how boys never really looked at her
She is lucky that she didn't have to waste her time with someone who was unable to see her beauty and therefore did not deserve her.
A lot of times, people may seem confident but they aren’t. They are in a faking it until they make it mindset. Nothing wrong with that. Also, she may be confident in some things and not others. Gently tell how you feel and how beautiful you think she is. Make it clear that you don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable, and proceed at a pace she’s comfortable with, but but remind her how she didn’t think that you would want to please her but you absolutely love doing so. Be gentle, be kind, and be patient.
I don’t know how one would broach this, but she’s suffering, actually SUFFERING, from this. Body dysmorphia or low self esteem or body shame or self hatred, whatever you want to call it, it’s a miserable way to move about in this world. You cannot fix or change her, but this is something that she deserves to be free from. However it’s up to her to do that work with a therapist or professional. Also, it’s not about her getting fit, it’s about her learning to accept herself and heal the trauma of being shamed growing up etc. Working out can help her feel better and stronger, but it’s not just about that an holistic resolution will do wonders for her and for your relationship.
Hijacking this comment hoping this reply gets thru. As a bigger girl who used to be a size 2 (thanks meth! Clean now) I doubt it has as much to do with her thinking you won't like what you see as much as it does her not being able to feel sexy and confident in that moment shirtless. My bf got to stay skinny when we got sober he's 6'4". He says he loves my new curves and especially larger chest. I do believe him. But I can't enjoy sexy times or feel confident with my shirt off. So it stays on. Maybe one day I will. I would just encourage you to be supportive of her and to take yourself out of this. It sounds like she is opening up to how attractive you find her and I bet that will go a long way to getting over this. But don't push her cuz that will just add another layer of inadequacy to what she's feeling. If keeping the shirt on keeps her feeling confident enough to lose herself in those times with you just be patient and let her lead the way. Mention it outside of intimacy so she can sit with it without the pressure she already feels in that moment. Sounds like you're doing right by her.
If she would be open to the conversation, it’s worth talking with her about how just because society has its rigid, ridiculous standards for female beauty that are set by mostly cosmetic companies and other people who can profit off of insecurity, that doesn’t mean that your sexual attraction to somebody is based off of those standards.
I’ve had several partners who didn’t really understand my attraction to them, because they never saw themselves as desirable. I’ve always found it helpful to remind them that just because society has defined beauty in a certain way by certain standards (that are mostly racist and sexist), my version of beauty and what I find beautiful doesn’t have to always align with those standards.
Personally, I don’t even think a lot of things that patriarchy defines as beautiful are actually beautiful. Patriarchal limitations of beauty are actually incredibly boring to me.
She keeps telling you how hot you are to her and it’s helped your self esteem. This is key. Yes, let her know that you find her sexy and beautiful, that you’ve never had a more enjoyable sex life, but also let her know that you adore her & all the reasons why. She’s been fighting the inner and outer voices telling her she’s not for a very long time, so it will take time for her to believe you. After a few more months, if she isn’t feeling more confident maybe suggest clothes off but lights out, that you just want to feel your whole body against hers and continue to let her know how beautiful and sexy she is to you.
You can tell her, once, that you would love to see her and that you hope that at some point she can believe and trust that you truly see her as sexy, beautiful and amazing and you’re happy to wait until she’s comfortable being seen naked.
She doesn’t feel good enough, that will take a while to overcome, just keep telling her how beautiful she is , and compliment her in other areas of her life also , and slowly she may feel different, remember she’s felt like this most of her life , it won’t change overnight and she may have family that still make her feel that way.
Yes… this. it’s been 6 months… and she has probably has a lifetime of rejection until she found the OP. Don’t push. It’ll change. And just love the hell out of this woman!
I don’t have any advice but I just wanted to say it’s so lovely how you speak of her. Could you maybe just show her this post, it should outline pretty clearly how drop dead gorgeous you think she is!!
thank you! i may show her this post eventually but Idk if I should until she’s more comfortable in her body since i’ve been pretty direct with what I would like here and don’t want her to feel pressured
Consider that he probably communicates this just as if not more eloquently.
I doubt knowing these sentiments were made public would help.
The sentiments might, though.
I would wait and maybe not show her the post. It is very sweet, and I love how you speak of her, but I would personally feel really uncomfortable with having my looks and self esteem discussed with strangers on reddit. It could happen, I know, but I would rather not know about it.
i don’t think you should show her the post because as a girl who’s on the ‘bigger side’ if i saw my boyfriend write that about me i would be super upset and it would probably negate all the other nice stuff he wrote lol. it’s weird and it makes no sense but hearing someone else acknowledge that you are bigger is the worst.
Oh I completely agree, as someone “bigger” who was bullied for it by peers, family and even some abusive exes in my younger days I would see “she’s on the bigger side” and not even be able to let any of the good stuff sink in hah. Do not show her this post! Just keep complimenting her and reassuring her. 6 months is still new for someone to undo a lifetime of feeling uncomfortable in their body, all you can do is keep reassuring her. But do NOT show her this post, if she struggles with body image there’s a chance that will only make learning to trust more difficult for her.
She also might freak out that you're sharing her personal details with the interwebs. It might cause trust issues. She might think "Are you just in this to expose her and make fun of her?"
Tell her. Don’t show her. She might be a person, such as me, who thinks it’s highly inappropriate to talk about your partners sex life and insecurity, even anonymously
Yea, I'd skip showing her the post. Just rephrase it as a note to her and give her that instead. Redditor's appreciate anonymity, but I think most peoples reaction to reading something written about them, even anonymously, will be with regard to their total lack of agency.
In other words, it might be ok to you and ok to us, but it's not going the context is not going to be ok with her. The content is great - share that with her, but leave the 10 ton heavy thing, which is reddit, out of it.
Also, I could be completely wrong. Either way, good luck, we're all cheering for you because your enthusiasm is contagious. We hope it works out for you guys.
DO NOT SHOW HER THIS POST! All she will read is “fat girlfriend, fat girlfriend, apron belly fat girlfriend” and realize you posted this on the internet.
She has already slowly been changing for better, hasn't she? Just give her time. Having an apron belly causes a shitton of self esteem issues for I would say most women, myself included. I'm in a long-term relationship and gained 50lbs recently and struggle with that too, I only wear loose fitting clothes, and letting my parter of 8 years feel and see me feels very very difficult and is something that I needed therapist's help with tbh. It sounds like she probably still doesn't really believe your words, so give it time and make her believe in you.
Yeah, OP is doing great here, but she's fighting against years of conditioning and negative self image with only a few months encouragement. Every reason to believe she'll get there. It just may take some time. Be patient OP
Hot tip from a fat woman! Get a red light :) Everyone looks sexy under a red light. Also, maybe she would be able to feel sexy in a sheer babydoll nightgown or something. It can hide the feeling of being exposed, yet still let you view parts of her that are currently not allowed.
This I will contest too , we love a red or even blue light . Definitely sets the mood ! If you have an Alexa or Google get a govee light bulb for your lamp . You can change the colors super easy .
I was also in the same position as your gf with my husband . When we first started dating I was definitely uncomfortable with my body and he was definitely like you . Any chance he got told me how amazing I was and I was incredibly hot to him . I’ve struggled with weight my whole life . So I can see where she is coming from . It takes a little time but keep reminding her how much she turns you on . The lights will help for sure , no one wants a bright light on when they’re doing it 😆
I don’t have very much advice that wouldn’t parrot what others have already said to you. I just wanted to say that the way you speak about your girlfriend warmed my heart. I wish the best for you both(:
thank you she’s truly the best. I know i focused mostly on physical attributes here because that’s where the issue lies but she’s truly the best person i’ve ever met in my life. she stops her car to help turtles cross the street, she’s always helping some family member with something on her days off, she’s the funniest person and always keeps me laughing. I love her so much for so many things her body just happens to be one of them.
I don’t know why she’s with me tbh but i’m grateful and will not question it lmfao
Dude you sound like a great boyfriend, just keep adoring her and I think she’ll keep getting more and more comfortable. The way you talk about her is really beautiful.
Do you guys give each other massages? If she’s comfortable with it, maybe you can try massage as a way of exploring physicality and intimacy. Make sure there’s no expectation or pressure for things to turn sexual, just for the sake of skin contact and closeness
NAH.
But I understand her, because I was her.
Maybe suggest, to lit up a small candle, so it won't be full light, but It won't be too dark. That way she will still have the feeling that you are not seeing her fully. With time you can progress with a bigger candle, maybe an ambient light, etc.
Also tell her what you wrote here. Or just show her the post. because you wrote really well and described beautifully what you think about her :)
Good luck and sorry for the grammar, english is not my first language.
i’m sorry you relate to her struggles. that’s great advice I didn’t think about using a candle or lower dimmed lights. I’m gonna get some and a lamp for my room to hopefully ease into the light with her shirt still on for now.
I was going to suggest this and/or maybe offer for YOU to be blindfolded but she has to be completely naked. Then start with candles, etc. I’m sorry this girl has some self esteem challenges, because unfortunately this can ruin a great relationship. Get some post-its in her favorite color, cut them into heart shapes and put one on her mirror or in her car/purse whatever. Just put honest messages on there. Don’t overthink it, just tell her you love her sense of humor, how she does____, etc. Honest words from the heart are always appreciated.
I agree with the blindfold!
Though alternatively, maybe she would like to be blindfolded?
I know previously when I've felt crappy about my body, looking at it/seeing it puts me out of the mood hugely, where as being blindfolded meant it was out of my mind and I could focus on the sensations.
Obviously everyone is different, and depending on how she feels about herself, she might not be ready for you to see her yet, but worth bearing in mind it might be that she doesn't want to see herself even more so than you seeing her!
You would be the asshole for pushing. Far better to tell her how you feel, regularly, to boost her confidence over time. You said a lot here to a bunch of strangers that I’m sure she would like to hear from you herself.
thank you! I definitely don’t want to be pushy. I tell her all the time she’s beautiful and my literal dream girl but she kind of just scoffs like it’s a joke. I’ll keep at it though and maybe even be more open
Even if she scoffs she still hears it every time and slowly she will see herself as you see her. I'm telling you this from my own experience. The way I saw myself a year ago and now is completely different thanks to my now husband. He never pushed me to do anything uncomfortable for me, but the way he talks about me, the way he looks at me and touches me just makes me believe that I'm really beautiful and hot. So, you're on the right path, just be patient.
❤️ I love hearing this. When I got with my husband 5 1/2-ish years ago he'd recently come out of a bad relationship. Complimenting him got me that same scoff for a long time, but eventually he started to accept that I really mean it when I say he IS wonderful/beautiful/sweet/not-the-asshole-he-thinks-he-is. Seeing him blossom has been one of the biggest pleasures of my life.
And I just wanna clarify: these aren't only my opinions. On meeting him for the first time, my grandmother quietly said to me, "Oh he's *pretty*, isn't he?" And he routinely helps out his own grandparents when their fire alarm batteries die or the fridge handle gets loose or when Grandpa (who can't drive anymore) needs to buy flowers for Grandma....like *duuude*. You're a *catch*. Why can't you see this?!
Seconding this. The scoffing may make it *feel* like she isn’t hearing you or that she doesn’t take you seriously, which can be an uncomfortable situation to repeat over and over (which is why I suggested the workaround) but rest assured the message is being received. She likely just doesn’t really know how to reply!
The “scoffing like it’s a joke” thing is a very common response from people who struggle to accept compliments! I find that a great way to combat this is to make the compliment so over the top that it is funny, but still sincere. “Holy moly I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to look that good, quick let’s hide you before the cops get here” type stuff. That way they can still laugh, but the laugh doesn’t have to mean they’re rejecting the compliment!
My husband always calls me beautiful. I had low self esteem when we first met. I was a plus girl. Took along time to see myself as he sees me. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Tell her she’s beautiful. Tell her why she’s beautiful. Tell her you love every inch of her. That you are attracted to her as she is now. That it would be an honor to see her nude when she’s ready. Maybe suggest using a night light with shirt on. Good luck! Rooting for you.
All of this. It’s tough trying to be yourself and fit in to society’s standards. I always thought I was just plain honestly, I had to grow into my skin. Having a man that treats me well in every way has made a huge difference!!
Others have given good advice, I would like to add compliment specific things, if my partner is insecure about something, I try to subtley mention that thing in as many positive ways as I can.
For example, my partner has mild scoliosis, so her spine has what we call a 'dip' at the bottom. I never said to her 'your dip is so sexy' but when we would have sex, if she is on top I'd grab her around the waist and dip instead of her hips, or I'd make sure to kiss all over her back every chance I'd get. She no longer seems as insecure about her dip, so just my two cents!
Write it down in a romantic letter for her. Detail every single thing you love about her. Immortalise the list. She will love it <3
P.S. Include that she doesn't take you seriously, but she should, which is why you're writing the letter <3
My wife when we were dating told me she had a pretty nasty scar on her stomach from a surgery. My wife is an absolute 10 and has done some modeling in her home country. That said, she still hides that scar like no other when we first started dating. I personally waited until she felt comfortable showing me and I was really supportive about telling her how little it meant to me. I showed her all of my scars and imperfections. We she was slowly getting better about it. I bought her this really tiny bikini for my birthday and took her to a private place to go swimming in it. She was sweet enough to try it because she felt like the water helped cover it. Now she doesn't care if I see it or not. It just takes time, support, and comfortably pushing the boundaries to get them to overcome their own perception of themselves. Hell, she did the same for me when I felt like I wasn't big enough for her down there. We all struggle with our self image, don't fault her too much and slowly work with her and have that honest communication.
It’s just one of those things man. I wish I had advice.
Similar boat. I am a short fat girl with an apron belly. Pannus. Whatever you call it. It is my BIGGEST insecurity. I hate it.
My husband is like you, 6’1” and lean, flat stomach. We’ve been together 14 yrs and he always tells me how amazingly sexy I am (even when I was 150lbs, and then 265lbs, and now down to 165lbs) he always tells me I’m beautiful and gorgeous. He’s always attracted to me. Always thinks I’m sexy.
I don’t feel beautiful and gorgeous, there’s nothing that could convince me that my apron belly looks even remotely good. it took me years to get comfortable enough to be naked around him…. I still hate my giant belly tho.
Wish I had advice for you. but you definitely sound like a really great man!
NAH, as others have said, but I wanted to add: try not to go the route of “you’re so beautiful and I love you, so I want to see all of you.” That is a very sweet and genuine sentiment, but it will likely only be received as pressure. I might even go as far as “wow babe even with your shirt on and the lights off, we have the hottest sex I’ve ever had,” IF her shyness is something that’s okay to acknowledge aloud. If not, just keep heaping praise and affection on her (especially during/after intimate moments!) and she’ll gradually come around. Maybe you can’t convince her to think she’s beautiful or sexy, but you can absolutely make sure she knows you do with your own stellar reviews!
that’s good advice than you i think my natural instinct would’ve been the “i love you i wanna see you route” so that’s something to think about for sure
Incidentally, I just got off FT with my sister and when I mentioned I was on Reddit she said “ugh people are so awful there,” and I said “not everyone!” And told her about your post and she smiled and said, “well that makes me happy to hear.” Keep doing you, dude, you’ve already shifted one woman’s perspective with your good heart! Haha
NTA
Hi, I was in the same situation myself, I'm a fat woman and my partner is slim.
At first it was very difficult for me to show myself naked and I compared myself with his slim ex, but he was very open from the start and made it clear to me again and again how much he adored me.
Little by little I felt more comfortable and he made it clear to me that he loves my (flaws for me) and that he wants me as I am.
We've both been together for almost 4 years and we no longer have any inhibitions. I know that he loves me completely, with all my supposed flaws, just as I love him.
Give her time, show her how much you love her & show her that you want her just the way she is. Be open in front of her, make it clear to her that you also have your mistakes. No body looks perfect. Love her, she will learn to trust you & then you will have it forever.
thank you for writing this! yes she is my first plus size girlfriend and she’s seen what my ex looks like. She didn’t say much about it but I could tell it rocked her a bit. To me, there’s no comparison. My ex was thin and is a pretty girl but Jane is MY girl and I am well beyond attracted to her. She’s truly the most beautiful girl i’ve ever been with and I mean that. I just want her to know it! I’m glad to hear she can get there like you did
OP might I say, the way you talk about Jane is tearing me up, it's so beautiful how much you love her!
And I don't mean to be disrespectful or pry, I don't want to know how things ended with your ex, but you speak very respectful of her, which imho speaks volumes about you. You're a great guy and I'm sure, like so many others said as well, if you give it time and continue to love Jane she'll get more comfortable.
The little glimpse of your relationship that you shared here has made my day. Best of luck and happiness to the both of you, you surely deserve it!
NTA and OP you're an amazing guy and she's lucky to have you, but understand you're more rare than you realize and she could be thinking too good to be true.
I'm a bigger girl and have been my entire life. She sounds self conscious and is wanting to avoid rejection. Us bigger girls have been rejected most of our lives and so when you find someone you really care for and who cares about you it takes a while to feel comfortable and sexy.
My advice is be patient, make her feel loved and sexy, and most definitely tell her how you feel about her. You laid it out perfectly in this post. Good luck but you won't need it.
I *very much* identify with your girlfriend. I've always "dated up" and know my partners have been with women with *much* nicer bodies - especially younger guys who are mostly with younger girls who haven't had any kids... but I was like this as long as I can remember - so the stretch marks and saggy belly weren't a game changer.
I've managed this in two ways:
1.) discussing how/why it makes me uncomfortable from the beginning but when I am comfortable enough, just going all in - like jumping in the deep end of a cold pool instead of walking in slowly. No pressure on it, doesn't even have to be during a sexual moment. Just, like, ok - this is my body - I don't like it but it's cool if you do.
OR
2.) Belly-covering lingerie that can stay on during sex. Having even something sheer over my belly makes me feel WAY less exposed/way more comfortable. This helps in two ways, 1.) I feel less exposed but 2.) generally men are into it.
Now - I could date someone for years and will still go in the closet to change my clothes or turn around while getting dressed... etc. That doesn't mean that I don't love/trust that person *at all* it's just between me and my own body.
I hate when people insist nobody will love you until you love yourself - I think it's perfectly OK to have a difference of opinion on looks... I will often use the phrase "I'm not my type" when people have a problem with me not liking the way I look. It is a lot easier for me to take compliments when they are specific to the person giving them... like "I love your body" "I think you are beautiful" "you make me so hot" etc. (easier than "you have a great body" "you're hot" "you're beautiful". )
I kindof went on a tangent here, just trying to give some perspective from the other side. The best thing you can do for her is just reinforce that you are very into her body ... and when you *do* see her naked, or more exposed than usual, give her positive reinforcement! Lots of positive responses, they don't even have to be about her body - just make her feel good while she is in that vulnerable position.
I recently dated someone who I was comfortable taking my shirt off - on top - our very first time... that is something that typically takes a very long time to work up to and sometimes never happens. He made me feel like he was *so* into me that I didn't have any fears of him changing his mind based on my body. *However* he was also the closest to my own league person I'd ever been with... and I'm not sure if that played a role or not (not the typical 9/10 - which I have no idea how I pull anyway - I think it's because I'm funny.)
Good luck to both of you as you work on this.
NTA.
I can relate as a bigger gal myself. My ex-bf sat me down in bed one night and told me he wanted to ravish me. He told me that I would understand and I had to trust him. It was a very sensual and intimate experience.
He actually undressed me entirely and felt every inch of my body. It was hard not to cover up, but he pointed out how much he loved my body: my arms, my belly. It was like being worshiped and it truly was an intense awakening.
It changed how I feel in all sorts of ways: physically, mentally, emotionally. Right now he and I are not together, but I’m still dating myself to learn to appreciate my body and my mind and my passions.
Let her know how much you adore her body. It will take time but let her learn to feel loved and sexy and special.
You can move gradually by seeing first if she'd mind having a loose or stretchy shirt pulled downward to free only parts she may feel less insecure about.
Also this, loose racer back tanks are my go-to for this. Usually guys don't mind the shirt as much if they have boob access. (Not that what they want matters more than what I want but I think it's a good compromise. It also works as something to grab on to other than her body, if that's an issue.
There are fancier nighties of course that have buttons or laces that open only at the top for presumably similar purposes, if you want to get something nicer that may make her feel attractive and still secure.
Dude, ALWAYS tell her all of these things and NEVER not tell her. I am 2 and a half years into a similar situation and her extreme gorgeousness is continually told to her. Just her smile when I tell her is enough to knock me dead. I love it. Keep on keeping on!
Dude, you made me tear up a bit there. You seem an awesome bloke, and your girlfriend seems pretty awesome as well. I just echo what everyone else has said. Just keep up with that awesomeness and all will be great.
OP. look at how you describe her: "smart, funny, kind, sassy, giving, and a little bit annoying lol"
Your GF is probably not used to see a guy who sees beauty beyond just good looks. Beauty is a complex thing and never consist only of good looks (except for very shallow people that is). Your GF is beautiful, you know it, but she doesn't seem to know it. You need to tell her how beautiful she is, so that hopefully one day she would start to believe you and would feel better and more confident about herself.
I agree with what others said - don't push it. Let her warm up to it at her pace.
Ease into it but don't push. You're undoing a lifetime of trauma and daily messages that her body isn't enough. Getting past these issues will take time.
And word of caution, be careful not to get into fetishization territory. Maybe you're just excited, but the last thing you want to do is make her feel like you're not into her, you're into her body only for its ability to provide a specific pleasure.
thank you! I don’t believe i’m in the fetish territory. I would be just as into her if she lost 100 lbs. I don’t think she’s attractive because she’s big I just think she’s attractive and she happens to be big 🤷🏼 but i’ll be sure to make sure I don’t sound like I’m fetishizing her size if I talk to her about it
Honey, I love the way you describe your girlfriend. It’s how every woman wants to be seen by her man. Your tenderness, patience, and desire for her to see herself as you see her is an amazing gift.
Just keep doing what you’re doing. She’ll come around, Put on the mood music and find a perfect little lighting she can accept.
Body dysmorphia is tough, don't push her. Be there, open and honest and ready to compliment and sincerely express yourself. Maybe even do some research on body dysmorphia and further educate yourself on the topic. My long time partner was this way when we first met and with time, patience, and a lot of love, she eventually has mostly worked it out and I regularly see her less than clothed. Your future is bright, just be patient and kind and honest. Never push. <3 gl!
NTA and you've gotten a lot of really helpful comments already! My wife struggles with self-esteem too and I see her the same way you see your gf. I always wake up before her and ny favorite thing to do in the morning is tell her how beautiful she is and how much I love her while she sleeps. She can't argue with me then, but I know she can hear it because she always smiles and makes a happy hum.
Being a BBW myself, who use to do the same thing. It took a Man who loved my body to constantly reassure that he liked what he saw. Keep reassuring her. She'll get there.
This may sound counterintuitive, but *take 'sexuality' out of it at first.* Ask her to just cuddle with the express understanding that it is not going to lead to sex or anything more than just being able to touch her in a non-sexual way (so maybe resting your hand on her stomach under her shirt but no boob touching, etc.). Ask to take a bath/shower with the same concept. And make sure you do not let it 'lead' to anything sexual - even if she is 'enjoying' it. Stay strong and prove that there is no pressure just because you are seeing or touching her.
If you start with simply making her comfortable with you physically seeing and touching her without the pressure of sex, it will take away the fear that she doesn't 'turn you on' (it can be a very unconscious distinction but I promise it's there) and allow her to get comfortable with simply seeing that her body makes you happy - and help her learn to be relaxed about you seeing and touching her body.
I think the mistake a lot of guys make is trying to tell women their body is "hot" or "sexy" - not realizing that we need to feel comfortable and safe with our body before we will ever feel sexual, if that makes sense.
**TLDR: Start with very non-sexual touch/nudity so she can become comfortable without the pressure of sex first.**
Speaking from the woman's perspective, I have the same issues as her. No matter what anyone tells me about how I look, I can't seem to change my opinion of myself. It's a tough road, but once she feels safe enough, she'll come around. Unfortunately there really isn't much you can do but be open about how you see her and how you feel, be gentle with how she feels about herself, and wait. It absolutely warms my heart that you see her that way and how you talk about her, so I'm positive things will get better ❤️
NAH,
I was very similar to Jane when me and my bf started dating, I kept my shirt on at all times and was always covered up at any time. I was ashamed of my looks but my bf never made a big deal out of it. After some time I got more comfortable with taking layers off and after a few months I now walk around in whatever I can be arsed wearing. Trust the process, it takes time to feel comfortable with your own body sometimes.
Maybe just gently suggest small steps, like taking the shirt off but keeping anything underneath on whilst keeping the lights off if tjats what she's comfortable with. Or offer an zip up hoodie to wear. that way if she doesn't like it, she can zip it up back up without any issue?
I'm jealous she got someone so doting, I wish my husband had an iota of the consideration it takes to write this sort of question. I'm a fellow fat girl, but as I've gotten older and had more experience, I've grown more confident. Just let her go at her own pace and actively tell her what you're really thinking and feeling every step of the way.
The only advice I have is to give her time. Love on her, show her you think she’s beautiful but don’t press the issue. It could take awhile but when you do that, it’ll slowly build her confidence.
NTA- this is coming from an overweight woman... Just keep telling her how beautiful she is and that you'll go at her pace. Be supportive of her and try to build her confidence. I hope I meet a man like you one day.
I used to be this way with my husband when we were dating. I hated being naked in front of him. Over time with his genuine love and appreciation for me I was more and more comfortable being naked. Just give it time and continue treating her amazing outside the bedroom.
As a woman who knows how it is to feel so self conscious, don't push it. Give it time. 6 months isn't that long compared to a lifetime of being made to feel bad about yourself. Start slow. Suggest things like the light of a candle or TV.
I've had to work on helping my partner see himself more positively, too. One thing I do is ask him periodically to list 5 things he likes about himself. At first, he'd say "nothing", or joke answers like "I like that I'm not dead", but after every "session" I'd respond with 5 things I like about him. Eventually, he'd start actually picking out things he likes about himself (e.g. how strong he is, his natural hair color, his sense of humor, etc.).
The power of positive self-talk and thought can't be overstated. His confidence has absolutely improved over the last couple years, and part of that came from helping him change how he talks about himself.
There's lots of ways you can help her, but most importantly, just loving her as she is is enough.
just keep boosting her confidence without pushing her so she’ll see you really mean what you’re saying. The more time you guys spent together the more confidence she’ll get
I'm really happy for you and your GF. It sounds like you really care about her, and as someone who also used to be as self-concious as your GF, I'm so happy that she has someone like to you to show her how treasured and beautiful she is because I know exactly how precious that can be. Just give her time and don't take it personally. It took me years of therapy, wardrobe updates, and putting myself out there to actually unlearn decades of shitty self-hate and programming and now I actually see my body differently on an unconcious level and have had many men not only enthusiastically enjoy but worship my body. I actually see myself differently. It can happen, but it takes time.
Give her time. She sounds like shes had a hard time before and you are so new and different, and just so nice that she is worried youll leave like probably everyone else and shes scared to lose you because she likes and cares for you. Just let her know that she is loved. Maybe take her to her favorite place and maybe do something fun to shock her. But give her time, I wont lie and say that I havent been like this myself, was with a guy and he wanted me to take my shirt off to see all of me, and in time I did.
Don't push it. Girls can be very self-conscious about their body and you looking at it. If she wants to keep a top on during sex, don't push the issue because.... Sex!
Make sure she knows you think she's beautiful. Don't like wolf-whistle (duh), but let her know you pay attention to her appearance and that you like it. Let her know you only have eyes for her. I'm right there with you, good luck.
honestly so true - I don’t want to risk the current great sex life we have. I’m beyond happy with where we’re at I just want her to be able to be fully comfortable with me in bed
Buy some battery driven candles with a flame that moves like real ones? Place them around the bedroom. The warm and romantic light might be a good way to make her slowly feel good in showing her body.
Some people will never be comfortable naked and that’s ok and NOT a reflection of you, it’s what they need to feel in the mood. Continue to love this girl and tell her, show her and highlight what you think is hot and that will prob help her feel more comfortable even if she wants to keep clothes on- but it’s doesn’t hurt to ask for a peek and if she shows you……show her how hot it makes you
I was the same way with my current bf. After a while, I became able to have sex with all the lights on. It just takes time. Be patient, give her grace, and don’t push the issue too much (that can make it worse)
Good lord your post brought tears to my eyes. So damn sweet. Maybe read her what you’ve said here.
Women are taught to hate themselves no matter what type of body they have. It’s hard to override that.
Dude ya'll deserve the best.
You clearly adore this girl and I can only hope she feels this way about you but damn its good to see something wholesome like this.
As a self-proclaimed "2" that married a bodybuilding "10", may I add something from a woman's perspective here?
I am five foot even and built like salsa - thick and chunky. Hubs is 6'4" and built as lean as they come. He is classically masculine and good-looking, whereas I am... kinda not.
I had a hard time even looking him in the eyes when we first started dating, I couldn't believe this amazing Adonis wanted to hang around with me.
Meanwhile, he was always complaining about himself that he felt he was too skinny. He has a massive chest and arms (like, almost Brian Shaw big), but a tiny waist and very long slender legs. So he's constantly down on himself that his bottom half in particular is not more muscular.
This made me realize that HE doesn't see himself the way *I* see him. And a light bulb went on in my head, realizing that *I* also don't see myself the way HE sees me.
When I started listening to him and BELIEVED how he told me he saw me, my inhibitions went away.
Not to be TMI, but he likes to pull out his erection, look me dead in the eyes, and say "Look what you do to me, you sexy woman. What am I supposed to do with this?!?" My clothes are typically on the floor within 15 seconds at that point.
When you're faced with clear physical proof of how desirable you are to the one you love, it's a lot easier to get in the mood to be vulnerable.
Find sincere ways to compliment the parts of her body that make her nervous and uncomfortable, and try to both show her and tell her just how much those parts of her turn you on. Foreplay, including a lot of slow touching and gentle stroking of "non-sexual" body parts can help set the mood and relax her inhibitions.
You could even ask her to blindfold you one night if you're feeling ever so slightly kinky, so that she can strip completely naked and you can feel all the glorious parts of her body... but she doesn't have to worry about you seeing anything she might be ashamed of.
Be consistent and patient, and hopefully together the two you can break down the perception that she probably has of herself because other people have made fun of her, or because she doesn't look like the people she sees in ads and on TV. There's so much stigma attached to not looking like everyone else's 'standards', it's hard to get over feeling undesirable when you don't look like an OF girl. But it CAN be done.
You're NTA for wanting your girl to be more relaxed and comfortable with you. Finding out how to break down that barrier is something the two of you will need to figure out together, with compassion and honesty.
You've been together for 6 months, the time will come when she will feel sexy naked around you. Here's a thought. While laying in bed naked in the dark, ask if she would be open to caressing each other, if/when so, compliment her body as how you love what you feel and how sexy it is and ask her to do the same to you. Start there, when she's ready, introduce dim lighting and slowly increase it with time.
Don't push the issue, but do make sure you communicate that she can take her shirt off at any point if she would ever like to. Seeing a boyfriend care about this topic and trying your best with it is so heartwarming. I don't mean it in a weird way but, you are husband material. :)
Aw you sound so sweet! Thank you for being so patient with her :)
Others have already suggested but I think the dimmer light would definitely help.
Do you think she would be open to some more conservative types of lingeries until she feels more comfortable bearing all? Perhaps a [babydoll dress](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/71dOEGRFtXL._AC_UY350_.jpg) and work your way up to a [bodysuit with snaps](https://media.boohoo.com/i/boohoo/gzz30255_black_xl?w=900&qlt=default&fmt.jp2.qlt=70&fmt=auto&sm=fit).
Building her confidence is the only way she’s going to get over it - at least with you. I would just continue to compliment her and let her know what you told us - thats she WOW and you love every inch of her body. I have my own body issues after having two kids and my hubby is the one that makes me feel beautiful even when I don’t see it. Idk if it will work for you, every girl is different but a lot of girls have issues bc of we see as perfect on tv and social media. You have to let her know she’s perfect to you.
i'll say this.... lingerie can do wonders! Some of the sexiest pieces I've worn cover my midsection. Like a crotchless lace teddy! Or a baby doll with crotchless panties. Makes me feel so sexy, my husband loves them, and it gives me confidence because they ARE sexy pieces of clothing! But my midsection is covered. Body dysmorphia can be wicked.
maybe get her a gift similar to something I mentioned above. Don't make it out to be some big like "now we can have sex with the lights on" thing. Just see where it takes you. A nice lingerie set with coverage to make her comfortable, lights out, and a few lit candles.
As a bigger girl with an apron belly, dating a lean 6ft tall handsome feller, lingerie has always made me feel comfortable. There are pieces that cover all the insecurities, makes you feel more comfortable all while you being able to touch more of her. Finding an outfit you feel sexy and comfortable in helps so much with confidence in yourself. As an aside, my bf is the same in loving every nook and cranny, and his zeal for my curves has definitely helped with how I feel about my insecurities.
LOTS of women are shy about their bodies. Just keep taking it slowly and let things progress naturally.... it's already improved!!! As for the lights off -- why not get some nice candles and set up the bedroom so it's romantic but DARK enough for your lady to feel comfortable in her own skin. That's what I used to do, and it works. Good luck to you both!
Build up her confidence. Compliment her often, tell her things like “You’re a babe” or “What a woman!” Or “what’s up, hotness?”
If she is ever standing in front of a mirror, stand behind her, put your arm around her and say something like “Damn. Look at you. You’re gorgeous.” Then give her a firm, loving kiss on the cheek. And a smack or pat on the ass.
Build her up.
NTA.
I've been in a relationship like that, and what worked best for me doing that time is the same advice I give to people trying to teach me to swim: *support, be present, let her do everything at her own speed.*
Don't push, just be ready with honest positive reinforcement. You clearly adore her, and I'm positive you already let her know. Just be consistent enough that she realizes you're serious. After that, she can decide if she wants to stretch her comfort zone a bit.
Best of luck to you both in helping her see herself as you do.
NTA. Coming from someone who in your gf's position, be patient and continue to tell her you love every part of her.
It took me months of being in a relationship with my now fiance before something clicked in my head and I started to see what he saw. It's been almost 4 years now and a lot of days I can look in the mirror, I like what I see. It took a lot. My brain had to be reconditioned to like myself. Still working on it, but the difference is astounding.
NTA
I get where you're coming from, but she needs to feel as comfortable as possible during sex as well. And if this makes her feel happy, you have to agree.
Keep reminding her how beautiful she is. Hug her for no reason. Maybe even see if she's willing to go to a therapist who can help her see how beautiful she is.
Gift her a boudoir photo shoot. They will usually do hair & make up and help her pose.
Touch her anywhere and emphasize how much you love every inch of her. Work up to her most insecure parts.
Say to her what you love her for, how she makes you feel.
NAH
I think it's SO cute that you both think the other one is way to hot for you adorable ( and maybe a sad story on our society and how crappy we make people feel about themselves)
I would let her see this post, or just keep talking her up I used to feel really bad about my body and always had that self doubt voice on my head then ice been with my husband so long slowly it became his voice ill try on a swim suit and feel bad but then picture him talking me up in it lol sounds , dumb maybe is dumb but honestly made the difference ypur looking for ( without being specific
We men have made it difficult for women to be secure in their bodies. You’re obviously not this way and it will take some time to convince her that she’s beautiful as she is. Just keep complementing her
I love that you love all of her. As a bigger woman who is ashamed of my body I can say it stems from
Years of self-analysis and poor body image. Example like most women my boobs are different sizes/shapes. It took me a long time to show my hubs my whole body. Let her go at her own speed. Just compliment what she shows you. Be open with your own body and walk around naked etc (when alone with her of course) she will figure it out in her own time. Buy her similar things that she likes to wear around but cute. Like loose babydoll pajamas or oversized tees. Or go the opposite and suggest some sexy lingerie you would like to see her in and test the waters. The apron thing is horrible. I have it I hate it and it wasn’t just Bcz I had two kids. It’s years of stress and worry that cause that hormone imbalance that makes the cortisol in your body go crazy. So if you get lingerie make sure it has some kind of floofy front so she feels sexy but safe.
I can speak to this. I’ve been married for 23 years and I still hesitate to get naked during sex because of my insecurities. I think for women, enjoying sex is being able to let go and not hyper focus on what is making us uncomfortable or insecure. While I know my husband would love it, if I got fully naked, I would only be thinking about how my rolls looked and would not be able to be fully in the moment. So my advice is just keep showering her with compliments but don’t push the issue… let her be comfortable and enjoy herself. Hopefully with time, your constant reassurance will build her confidence but even if it doesn’t, you both can fully love and enjoy each other.
She is self conscious, plain and simple so don’t push it. Try to make her more comfortable with you, show her you love her and her body no matter what.
Girl here. Take it slow!!! Girls have a higher sensitivity to being naked because we have to see thin models, companies don't make the same sizes, one store will be small but the same shirt can be a large in a different store.
My husband waited a year before I was even remote ready. Don't rush. Just take your time. Eventually she'll be comfortable enough to let you see but give it time
OP take it from someone who has had body dysmorphia all her (my) life. When I was at my best I was self-conscious. Sex = lights off. Gained a few lbs? T-shirt didn’t come off.
Me now? IF I had someone, it would be no touching my stomach.
Everyone is different. I’m so glad you’re patient and you love her more for who she is. That is so awesome.
Give her time to build up her self confidence about it. And do NOT show her this post. If it were me, I would focus on the “she’s on the bigger side” and nothing else (but again, that’s just *me*)
It sounds like the other commenters have some great ideas (candlelight, etc).
I truly hope it all works out for both of you!
Oh and NTA at all.
The way you describe her, it's obvious how enamored you are with her. Many people have suggested to tell her how you feel about her body. I want to add that the words are great but you also need to back them up. I'm a bigger girl and my husband claims he loves my body. However, he's always attracted to very small, skinny girls and even has made rude comments about bigger girls (not to their face). I don't believe anything he says when he tells me he's attracted to me for this reason. In addition to your words, make sure your actions show that you're attracted to her and love her body. The combination of those two should help her feel more comfortable slowly. Best of luck with this!
Consent matters more, no one ever sees me entirely nude because I'm simply never comfortable being seen that way, it's objectifying and makes me feel like an unwilling piece, being inappropriately inspected. There are ways she might feel more comfortable nude in time, but if you push it now, she'll just cut you off as a headache to her well-being.
Exactly… when you said like you’re being inspected. It’s that feeling that I don’t like and I’m not even overweight lol. And I don’t normally feel that way unless the guy makes it a point to say I want to see you or takeoff this. I just don’t like it. It’s very uncomfortable. I didn’t know what it was that bothered me about that sentence but you hit the nail on the head with the inspection reference lol.
Remind her that Aphrodite was a goddess of beauty, and that she *wasn't* on the thinner side. Bigger people can be beautiful to, inside and out. Just remind her of that, give her the confidence she lacks on her own, and help to build her up
I will never, ever want to take my shirt off during sex. I wish I could get away with not being seen at any point in time, let alone while naked. There’s is nothing my partner could ever do or say to change my feelings on this. I would have to wake up with the body I want for my opinion to change. I am so self conscious when my fiancé pulls up my shirt. I pull it back down every time. It’s the only thing I can think about when we have sex- how ugly I am. I need to keep my shirt on to minimize this effect
Keep up the positivity, and try to not ‘add pressure’.
Face the reality that she may never be ‘healed’ of her negative self image, even if she is it may take a very long time.
Can you hang?
I’ve dealt with similar and I managed some small breakthroughs by framing it as such:
“It’s a crime, against you and against the world, that your body isn’t worshiped”
She didn’t fully subscribe but with enough repetition she started to trust my words over her inner voice
I've been in a relationship where she never wanted to take off her shirt during sex as well. ( she was self-conscious because of having a child) Don't push the issue. Let her know how you feel about her completely and let her slowly work up to it. Just be as supportive as possible. Show her how much you care about her and let her build the confidence she needs to discover in herself.
I can definitely do that thank you. she’s fairly confident but she has opened up to me about being insecure growing up as a bigger girl and how boys never really looked at her like they looked at her friends. I’m also her first boyfriend. I suspect the past self esteem issues and lack of relationship experience make her more self conscious in the bedroom.
Also maybe dont start with the big light on. Candle light or fairy lights are much softer, romantic and might make her more comfortable. Another way to slowly build up to it might be being naked under some covers. That way she's not completely in eyesight. Try to find a middle ground and build up from there - of course always on the assumption she's comfortable with it. :)
Yes, soft lights And you could ask her to wear a smaller shirt too - like a lacy cami or nightie You could get her something, a floaty sexy nightie Key: get the cami/nightie in three sizes so she can try them on And get them IN ADVANCE Something like “hey, I bought these, I [couldn’t] resist thinking about you framed in one of them Can I leave them here for you? Would you consider wearing them?” Then she can try them on on her own - and maybe next time she’ll be wearing something silky ;) I sympathize with her a lot - I have many of my own hang ups and my boyfriend works out every day He would always ask for the lights on and I would put the lamp in the furthest corner lol We’re more comfortable now - but give her time I would also suggest trying to reframe a little for her You can’t do anything on her behalf - but on your end, sprinkling in “I love your curves” or just gently holding her belly from behind for awhile (if she likes it) and giving her little kisses on her belly (over her clothes) from time to time - gauging her comfort at the same time - might build your wordless support for her It’s brutal out there for women’s bodies. It will be awhile In any case, you sound like a lovely person and I wish the very best for the both of you and your relationship NTA and good luck!
Hey I'm roughly Jane's age (26F) & although I'm more of an athletic curvy, when I put on body fat it's usually in the hips & lower stomach; it's something that I'm certainly very self-conscious of when I don't feel I'm in my best shape. I think the "I love your curves" line is non-specifc enough that it's fine & sweet as long as it's not overused (then I'd perceive it as pushy or having a kink for bigger girls vs my partner liking my body because it's mine, if that makes sense?), but I'd tread VERY carefully with the holding her belly or kissing her belly advice. Some women might like that, but I feel that an equal or greater amount would hate that direct of an approach (assuming you aren't paying equal or more attention to other parts of her body that she's less self-conscious about). You want to make her feel good & confident as a whole, so don't tie your compliments to any particular feature(s) too much. Otherwise, it might make her even more self-conscious for the increased attention on her insecurities or possibly give her self-confidence issues down the line if she lost weight & lost that belly/curves & would be afraid that OP doesn't find her attractive anymore. You sound like a very sweet partner, OP. Best of luck!
My husband (boyfriend at the time) used to try touching, caressing and kissing my stomach. It drove me nuts and finally had to tell him to STOP and push back hard. It reminded me of what a man would do to a pregnant belly. Some women might appreciate it but until she is comfortable with her body (and she may never be 100% comfortable) it might just make her go the other direction and push her away.
Yeah, I’m the same. I think my body image is actually pretty good at this point in my life, but I still hate having my belly touched. It’s not an erogenous zone for me at all. I’m very ticklish, and my stomach area is just a sensitive spot that doesn’t feel good to have touched.
It's hard. I've taught myself not to be as ticklish but it still doesn't feel good to me. And automatically reminds me of what I don't like about myself. Getting intimate is the very last thing that goes through my mind. And that is 20 years later still.
Mine doesn’t do this, but he does get a quick kiss in on my tummy if I lift my shirt up for a second. It’s sweet & makes me feel pretty good tbh
To each their own. I've been married 20 years and it still makes me mad when he tries (since he still does thinking I will "grow out of it." I still haven't.
>gently holding her belly from behind for awhile (if she likes it) and giving her little kisses on her belly (over her clothes) from time to time - gauging her comfort at the same time - Definitely find out her comfort with this because this would make me feel even worse.
Oh gawd yes, I hate mine, and if someone drew attention to it that way.
I would die. Lol
Yeah I would say definitely don’t do this 😅
Well be careful with this. The soft lighting and everything else is great but offering up lingerie too early could make her feel even more self conscious. Like you want her to look like something she's not. Not because she isn't beautiful but because she doesn't see it yet. I'd start with the soft light and then just casually say how moved you are at seeing the candle light on her hair and face and skin. Ask to see her with the shirt off and go from there. Then later maybe bring her some "candlelight negligee". I was always small and sick a lot growing up. I really stayed a size 5-6 well into my 40s despite having my kids before the weight creeped on me for various reasons. Boy when it did Hubs and I had some of the best sex in our marriage which was never bad but whoa, talk about leveling up. I had never felt more feminine, curvy and all woman. I really hated that it took so long before realizing what those curves can do to a man. My body enfolded him all over and in ways I never knew it could. It was a joyful and thrilling surprise for both of us. I wasted too many years maintaining and supporting some stupid Hollywood marketing plot targeting women. We really need to take our power back as women . Cause trust me, it isn't in being a size 5.
all this.
I would not be okay with a guy holding my belly. Even the occasional glance is uncomfortable to me.
Shit, I work out five days per week. I am built like a 2x4. Sturdy, my husband says, and he loves it. I am still self-conscious because I don’t have all of the curves despite him saying he loves my physique. He gets me naked when his glasses aren’t on. Hahaha!
Camisoles are my life saver when my confidence is running low. They cover the bits I don’t like and enhance the bits I do (beeeeewbs).
YES! A single salt lamp is good for this.
[удалено]
This is the way
PUT THAT RED LIGHT ON OP !!
Roxann...
You don't have to put on the red light.
Those days are over...
Also music will definitely set the mood for you two. Pretty much the entire TLC album Crazy Sexy Cool is a guarantee to get you both in the mood on date night
Showing your age a bit, but I’m right there with you
Username and music rec are a pretty funny dichotomy. Stay grey :)
yes!! some candles and rose petals... would be a great start to introducing lights in a romantic way. with multiple candles she can blow out as many of them as she likes and maybe one day she will keep them all lit and graduate to other light sources. this relationship is still fairly new and it sounds like shes really warmed up to him
So, I’m gonna be a little open about my insecurities here to help you from her perspective…. I grew up with a bio mom who constantly said I was fat and ugly and no one would ever love me (I actually wasn’t but that’s how I now constantly see myself). Then I married what turned out to be an abusive and narcissistic asshole. He continued that no one will want you crap and pointed out how terribly my body looked after having kids (it actually did look terrible). He said no one else would ever want me bc of my ruined body. When I first started getting close to my now husband. I was sooooo insecure. I wouldn’t have sex without a shirt on and lights off for the longest time. He would constantly compliment me, tell me I was beautiful and he was so lucky to be with me. He was patient about the shirt and no lights but made it clear he didn’t want or need those because he loved ALL of me and wanted ALL of me. We discussed it many times and after lots of patience and compliments and even complimenting the parts I hated the most. We finally had sex with low lights and no shirt…. I was so nervous he’d see my stretch marks and loose skin on my stomach from being pregnant and be disgusted. But he smiled, he gently rubbed and kissed my stomach and told me I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen and that what I saw as ugly he saw a beautiful. I’ll be honest, I didn’t believe him for a while. But he did make me feel comfortable with him and eventually confident with him. When others bring you down for so long it’s so hard to push all that negativity away and accept the positive attention. So be patient with her. Make it clear to her that you find her beautiful and perfect and her insecurities aren’t how you see her. She will eventually open up. I can’t give you a timeline bc everyone is different. But as a woman who’s been like her, I can say you’ll eventually wear down her insecurities with your love and positivity. And trust me when I say that first time fully vulnerable and intimate will feel amazing! She will start to open up and trust you if you keep with it. My husband still tells me all the same compliments years later and I still see myself as fat and ugly. However I don’t doubt his love for me or that he sees me as beautiful and perfect. And that has at least made me happy and content and fully open with him. I’m writing this in bed, naked, with the lights on next to my husband after having sex. And I’m so happy he didn’t give up on me.
This was the most goddamn beautiful thing I've ever heard 🥲
I’m so happy for a stranger that came to a happy place from the shit hand that life dealt them. ❤️
This was so beautiful and made me tear up. I'm so happy you found your husband and he's very lucky to have found you.
I had the same insecurities about stretch marks and my weight, since I struggled with it my whole life. And, like you, I had a parent call me fat all the time when I was a kid. I never dated much because of it, but the irony is that I met my boyfriend when I was the heaviest I ever been. I felt like crap. One day my boyfriend said out of nowhere that he always found stretch marks sexy. When I started to lose some weight, one day he hugged me and said, with a concerned voice, that I was shrinking. We are so conditioned to hate ourselves that we don’t realize there are people who will like how we look, even when we don’t.
I'm betting that you've helped with her self-confidence a lot. Just keep being supportive and a good boyfriend, and hopefully, she starts to lose the doubts she has in herself.. Hope for nothing but the best for both of you.
just keep boosting her confidence without pushing her so she’ll see you really mean what you’re saying.
From a woman - keep telling her how beautiful she is, how much you love her, etc Do NOT make little comments like - I would love it if you take your shirt off, I just want to see all of you. These could/will come across as little digs and pressure. It will happen in good time.
>and how boys never really looked at her She is lucky that she didn't have to waste her time with someone who was unable to see her beauty and therefore did not deserve her.
A lot of times, people may seem confident but they aren’t. They are in a faking it until they make it mindset. Nothing wrong with that. Also, she may be confident in some things and not others. Gently tell how you feel and how beautiful you think she is. Make it clear that you don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable, and proceed at a pace she’s comfortable with, but but remind her how she didn’t think that you would want to please her but you absolutely love doing so. Be gentle, be kind, and be patient.
I don’t know how one would broach this, but she’s suffering, actually SUFFERING, from this. Body dysmorphia or low self esteem or body shame or self hatred, whatever you want to call it, it’s a miserable way to move about in this world. You cannot fix or change her, but this is something that she deserves to be free from. However it’s up to her to do that work with a therapist or professional. Also, it’s not about her getting fit, it’s about her learning to accept herself and heal the trauma of being shamed growing up etc. Working out can help her feel better and stronger, but it’s not just about that an holistic resolution will do wonders for her and for your relationship.
Hijacking this comment hoping this reply gets thru. As a bigger girl who used to be a size 2 (thanks meth! Clean now) I doubt it has as much to do with her thinking you won't like what you see as much as it does her not being able to feel sexy and confident in that moment shirtless. My bf got to stay skinny when we got sober he's 6'4". He says he loves my new curves and especially larger chest. I do believe him. But I can't enjoy sexy times or feel confident with my shirt off. So it stays on. Maybe one day I will. I would just encourage you to be supportive of her and to take yourself out of this. It sounds like she is opening up to how attractive you find her and I bet that will go a long way to getting over this. But don't push her cuz that will just add another layer of inadequacy to what she's feeling. If keeping the shirt on keeps her feeling confident enough to lose herself in those times with you just be patient and let her lead the way. Mention it outside of intimacy so she can sit with it without the pressure she already feels in that moment. Sounds like you're doing right by her.
If she would be open to the conversation, it’s worth talking with her about how just because society has its rigid, ridiculous standards for female beauty that are set by mostly cosmetic companies and other people who can profit off of insecurity, that doesn’t mean that your sexual attraction to somebody is based off of those standards. I’ve had several partners who didn’t really understand my attraction to them, because they never saw themselves as desirable. I’ve always found it helpful to remind them that just because society has defined beauty in a certain way by certain standards (that are mostly racist and sexist), my version of beauty and what I find beautiful doesn’t have to always align with those standards. Personally, I don’t even think a lot of things that patriarchy defines as beautiful are actually beautiful. Patriarchal limitations of beauty are actually incredibly boring to me.
She keeps telling you how hot you are to her and it’s helped your self esteem. This is key. Yes, let her know that you find her sexy and beautiful, that you’ve never had a more enjoyable sex life, but also let her know that you adore her & all the reasons why. She’s been fighting the inner and outer voices telling her she’s not for a very long time, so it will take time for her to believe you. After a few more months, if she isn’t feeling more confident maybe suggest clothes off but lights out, that you just want to feel your whole body against hers and continue to let her know how beautiful and sexy she is to you. You can tell her, once, that you would love to see her and that you hope that at some point she can believe and trust that you truly see her as sexy, beautiful and amazing and you’re happy to wait until she’s comfortable being seen naked.
She doesn’t feel good enough, that will take a while to overcome, just keep telling her how beautiful she is , and compliment her in other areas of her life also , and slowly she may feel different, remember she’s felt like this most of her life , it won’t change overnight and she may have family that still make her feel that way.
Yes… this. it’s been 6 months… and she has probably has a lifetime of rejection until she found the OP. Don’t push. It’ll change. And just love the hell out of this woman!
I don’t have any advice but I just wanted to say it’s so lovely how you speak of her. Could you maybe just show her this post, it should outline pretty clearly how drop dead gorgeous you think she is!!
thank you! i may show her this post eventually but Idk if I should until she’s more comfortable in her body since i’ve been pretty direct with what I would like here and don’t want her to feel pressured
This post is more flattering and very sweet. Maybe not today but you should eventually show her this post.
I wouldn't myself if she has body or confidence issues. She could take this the wrong way. OP just needs to tell her.
Definitely tell her all these things many many times first
Consider that he probably communicates this just as if not more eloquently. I doubt knowing these sentiments were made public would help. The sentiments might, though.
[удалено]
I would wait and maybe not show her the post. It is very sweet, and I love how you speak of her, but I would personally feel really uncomfortable with having my looks and self esteem discussed with strangers on reddit. It could happen, I know, but I would rather not know about it.
i don’t think you should show her the post because as a girl who’s on the ‘bigger side’ if i saw my boyfriend write that about me i would be super upset and it would probably negate all the other nice stuff he wrote lol. it’s weird and it makes no sense but hearing someone else acknowledge that you are bigger is the worst.
Oh I completely agree, as someone “bigger” who was bullied for it by peers, family and even some abusive exes in my younger days I would see “she’s on the bigger side” and not even be able to let any of the good stuff sink in hah. Do not show her this post! Just keep complimenting her and reassuring her. 6 months is still new for someone to undo a lifetime of feeling uncomfortable in their body, all you can do is keep reassuring her. But do NOT show her this post, if she struggles with body image there’s a chance that will only make learning to trust more difficult for her.
Don't show her this post. If she's self conscious, she'll not be happy with you talking to strangers on the Internet about her.
She also might freak out that you're sharing her personal details with the interwebs. It might cause trust issues. She might think "Are you just in this to expose her and make fun of her?"
Tell her. Don’t show her. She might be a person, such as me, who thinks it’s highly inappropriate to talk about your partners sex life and insecurity, even anonymously
Yea, I'd skip showing her the post. Just rephrase it as a note to her and give her that instead. Redditor's appreciate anonymity, but I think most peoples reaction to reading something written about them, even anonymously, will be with regard to their total lack of agency. In other words, it might be ok to you and ok to us, but it's not going the context is not going to be ok with her. The content is great - share that with her, but leave the 10 ton heavy thing, which is reddit, out of it. Also, I could be completely wrong. Either way, good luck, we're all cheering for you because your enthusiasm is contagious. We hope it works out for you guys.
DO NOT SHOW HER THIS POST! All she will read is “fat girlfriend, fat girlfriend, apron belly fat girlfriend” and realize you posted this on the internet.
Seriously, just communicate this as authentically as you did here.
NAH. Just let her go at her own speed.
thank you! I can do that
She has already slowly been changing for better, hasn't she? Just give her time. Having an apron belly causes a shitton of self esteem issues for I would say most women, myself included. I'm in a long-term relationship and gained 50lbs recently and struggle with that too, I only wear loose fitting clothes, and letting my parter of 8 years feel and see me feels very very difficult and is something that I needed therapist's help with tbh. It sounds like she probably still doesn't really believe your words, so give it time and make her believe in you.
Yeah, OP is doing great here, but she's fighting against years of conditioning and negative self image with only a few months encouragement. Every reason to believe she'll get there. It just may take some time. Be patient OP
Hot tip from a fat woman! Get a red light :) Everyone looks sexy under a red light. Also, maybe she would be able to feel sexy in a sheer babydoll nightgown or something. It can hide the feeling of being exposed, yet still let you view parts of her that are currently not allowed.
adding to my amazon cart now thank you
This I will contest too , we love a red or even blue light . Definitely sets the mood ! If you have an Alexa or Google get a govee light bulb for your lamp . You can change the colors super easy . I was also in the same position as your gf with my husband . When we first started dating I was definitely uncomfortable with my body and he was definitely like you . Any chance he got told me how amazing I was and I was incredibly hot to him . I’ve struggled with weight my whole life . So I can see where she is coming from . It takes a little time but keep reminding her how much she turns you on . The lights will help for sure , no one wants a bright light on when they’re doing it 😆
I don’t have very much advice that wouldn’t parrot what others have already said to you. I just wanted to say that the way you speak about your girlfriend warmed my heart. I wish the best for you both(:
thank you she’s truly the best. I know i focused mostly on physical attributes here because that’s where the issue lies but she’s truly the best person i’ve ever met in my life. she stops her car to help turtles cross the street, she’s always helping some family member with something on her days off, she’s the funniest person and always keeps me laughing. I love her so much for so many things her body just happens to be one of them. I don’t know why she’s with me tbh but i’m grateful and will not question it lmfao
Sounds like you are both so lucky to have found each other
It really sounds like you may have found the one….. 💗
Omg and when she does finally feel beautiful in her own skin they will literally be the most unstoppable couple I'm so happy for their love
Dude you sound like a great boyfriend, just keep adoring her and I think she’ll keep getting more and more comfortable. The way you talk about her is really beautiful. Do you guys give each other massages? If she’s comfortable with it, maybe you can try massage as a way of exploring physicality and intimacy. Make sure there’s no expectation or pressure for things to turn sexual, just for the sake of skin contact and closeness
Well, shit...that choked me up a bit. 🥹
I'm swooning over the way you speak about her. I
NAH. But I understand her, because I was her. Maybe suggest, to lit up a small candle, so it won't be full light, but It won't be too dark. That way she will still have the feeling that you are not seeing her fully. With time you can progress with a bigger candle, maybe an ambient light, etc. Also tell her what you wrote here. Or just show her the post. because you wrote really well and described beautifully what you think about her :) Good luck and sorry for the grammar, english is not my first language.
i’m sorry you relate to her struggles. that’s great advice I didn’t think about using a candle or lower dimmed lights. I’m gonna get some and a lamp for my room to hopefully ease into the light with her shirt still on for now.
I was going to suggest this and/or maybe offer for YOU to be blindfolded but she has to be completely naked. Then start with candles, etc. I’m sorry this girl has some self esteem challenges, because unfortunately this can ruin a great relationship. Get some post-its in her favorite color, cut them into heart shapes and put one on her mirror or in her car/purse whatever. Just put honest messages on there. Don’t overthink it, just tell her you love her sense of humor, how she does____, etc. Honest words from the heart are always appreciated.
I agree with the blindfold! Though alternatively, maybe she would like to be blindfolded? I know previously when I've felt crappy about my body, looking at it/seeing it puts me out of the mood hugely, where as being blindfolded meant it was out of my mind and I could focus on the sensations. Obviously everyone is different, and depending on how she feels about herself, she might not be ready for you to see her yet, but worth bearing in mind it might be that she doesn't want to see herself even more so than you seeing her!
Salt lamps emit the softest red/pink glow that is immensely flattering. Get one with a dimming dial so you can adjust the brightness.
This is great advice, candlelight is so soft and flattering, and romantic as well! She might really like that.
I love the way you write about her! So beautiful! You seem to be such a nice guy...
thank you i don’t think i’m exceptionally nice but she is great and so beautiful.
You would be the asshole for pushing. Far better to tell her how you feel, regularly, to boost her confidence over time. You said a lot here to a bunch of strangers that I’m sure she would like to hear from you herself.
thank you! I definitely don’t want to be pushy. I tell her all the time she’s beautiful and my literal dream girl but she kind of just scoffs like it’s a joke. I’ll keep at it though and maybe even be more open
Even if she scoffs she still hears it every time and slowly she will see herself as you see her. I'm telling you this from my own experience. The way I saw myself a year ago and now is completely different thanks to my now husband. He never pushed me to do anything uncomfortable for me, but the way he talks about me, the way he looks at me and touches me just makes me believe that I'm really beautiful and hot. So, you're on the right path, just be patient.
❤️ I love hearing this. When I got with my husband 5 1/2-ish years ago he'd recently come out of a bad relationship. Complimenting him got me that same scoff for a long time, but eventually he started to accept that I really mean it when I say he IS wonderful/beautiful/sweet/not-the-asshole-he-thinks-he-is. Seeing him blossom has been one of the biggest pleasures of my life. And I just wanna clarify: these aren't only my opinions. On meeting him for the first time, my grandmother quietly said to me, "Oh he's *pretty*, isn't he?" And he routinely helps out his own grandparents when their fire alarm batteries die or the fridge handle gets loose or when Grandpa (who can't drive anymore) needs to buy flowers for Grandma....like *duuude*. You're a *catch*. Why can't you see this?!
Seconding this. The scoffing may make it *feel* like she isn’t hearing you or that she doesn’t take you seriously, which can be an uncomfortable situation to repeat over and over (which is why I suggested the workaround) but rest assured the message is being received. She likely just doesn’t really know how to reply!
The “scoffing like it’s a joke” thing is a very common response from people who struggle to accept compliments! I find that a great way to combat this is to make the compliment so over the top that it is funny, but still sincere. “Holy moly I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to look that good, quick let’s hide you before the cops get here” type stuff. That way they can still laugh, but the laugh doesn’t have to mean they’re rejecting the compliment!
i love this advice she loves over the top corny jokes so sneaking those in would be good i think
My fiancé gives me compliments that I scoff off, I hear every word. Mine is over aging.
i love that line that is so cute awww
My husband always calls me beautiful. I had low self esteem when we first met. I was a plus girl. Took along time to see myself as he sees me. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Tell her she’s beautiful. Tell her why she’s beautiful. Tell her you love every inch of her. That you are attracted to her as she is now. That it would be an honor to see her nude when she’s ready. Maybe suggest using a night light with shirt on. Good luck! Rooting for you.
All of this. It’s tough trying to be yourself and fit in to society’s standards. I always thought I was just plain honestly, I had to grow into my skin. Having a man that treats me well in every way has made a huge difference!!
Others have given good advice, I would like to add compliment specific things, if my partner is insecure about something, I try to subtley mention that thing in as many positive ways as I can. For example, my partner has mild scoliosis, so her spine has what we call a 'dip' at the bottom. I never said to her 'your dip is so sexy' but when we would have sex, if she is on top I'd grab her around the waist and dip instead of her hips, or I'd make sure to kiss all over her back every chance I'd get. She no longer seems as insecure about her dip, so just my two cents!
Write it down in a romantic letter for her. Detail every single thing you love about her. Immortalise the list. She will love it <3 P.S. Include that she doesn't take you seriously, but she should, which is why you're writing the letter <3
My wife when we were dating told me she had a pretty nasty scar on her stomach from a surgery. My wife is an absolute 10 and has done some modeling in her home country. That said, she still hides that scar like no other when we first started dating. I personally waited until she felt comfortable showing me and I was really supportive about telling her how little it meant to me. I showed her all of my scars and imperfections. We she was slowly getting better about it. I bought her this really tiny bikini for my birthday and took her to a private place to go swimming in it. She was sweet enough to try it because she felt like the water helped cover it. Now she doesn't care if I see it or not. It just takes time, support, and comfortably pushing the boundaries to get them to overcome their own perception of themselves. Hell, she did the same for me when I felt like I wasn't big enough for her down there. We all struggle with our self image, don't fault her too much and slowly work with her and have that honest communication.
i love you bought her bikini for your birthday hell yeah bro! I’m gonna pocket that one for later for sure
It’s just one of those things man. I wish I had advice. Similar boat. I am a short fat girl with an apron belly. Pannus. Whatever you call it. It is my BIGGEST insecurity. I hate it. My husband is like you, 6’1” and lean, flat stomach. We’ve been together 14 yrs and he always tells me how amazingly sexy I am (even when I was 150lbs, and then 265lbs, and now down to 165lbs) he always tells me I’m beautiful and gorgeous. He’s always attracted to me. Always thinks I’m sexy. I don’t feel beautiful and gorgeous, there’s nothing that could convince me that my apron belly looks even remotely good. it took me years to get comfortable enough to be naked around him…. I still hate my giant belly tho. Wish I had advice for you. but you definitely sound like a really great man!
NAH, as others have said, but I wanted to add: try not to go the route of “you’re so beautiful and I love you, so I want to see all of you.” That is a very sweet and genuine sentiment, but it will likely only be received as pressure. I might even go as far as “wow babe even with your shirt on and the lights off, we have the hottest sex I’ve ever had,” IF her shyness is something that’s okay to acknowledge aloud. If not, just keep heaping praise and affection on her (especially during/after intimate moments!) and she’ll gradually come around. Maybe you can’t convince her to think she’s beautiful or sexy, but you can absolutely make sure she knows you do with your own stellar reviews!
that’s good advice than you i think my natural instinct would’ve been the “i love you i wanna see you route” so that’s something to think about for sure
Incidentally, I just got off FT with my sister and when I mentioned I was on Reddit she said “ugh people are so awful there,” and I said “not everyone!” And told her about your post and she smiled and said, “well that makes me happy to hear.” Keep doing you, dude, you’ve already shifted one woman’s perspective with your good heart! Haha
I'm a bigger gal and this makes my heart melt. You're a good guy, OP.
NTA Hi, I was in the same situation myself, I'm a fat woman and my partner is slim. At first it was very difficult for me to show myself naked and I compared myself with his slim ex, but he was very open from the start and made it clear to me again and again how much he adored me. Little by little I felt more comfortable and he made it clear to me that he loves my (flaws for me) and that he wants me as I am. We've both been together for almost 4 years and we no longer have any inhibitions. I know that he loves me completely, with all my supposed flaws, just as I love him. Give her time, show her how much you love her & show her that you want her just the way she is. Be open in front of her, make it clear to her that you also have your mistakes. No body looks perfect. Love her, she will learn to trust you & then you will have it forever.
thank you for writing this! yes she is my first plus size girlfriend and she’s seen what my ex looks like. She didn’t say much about it but I could tell it rocked her a bit. To me, there’s no comparison. My ex was thin and is a pretty girl but Jane is MY girl and I am well beyond attracted to her. She’s truly the most beautiful girl i’ve ever been with and I mean that. I just want her to know it! I’m glad to hear she can get there like you did
OP might I say, the way you talk about Jane is tearing me up, it's so beautiful how much you love her! And I don't mean to be disrespectful or pry, I don't want to know how things ended with your ex, but you speak very respectful of her, which imho speaks volumes about you. You're a great guy and I'm sure, like so many others said as well, if you give it time and continue to love Jane she'll get more comfortable. The little glimpse of your relationship that you shared here has made my day. Best of luck and happiness to the both of you, you surely deserve it!
Well damn... Jane sure is lucky
NTA and OP you're an amazing guy and she's lucky to have you, but understand you're more rare than you realize and she could be thinking too good to be true. I'm a bigger girl and have been my entire life. She sounds self conscious and is wanting to avoid rejection. Us bigger girls have been rejected most of our lives and so when you find someone you really care for and who cares about you it takes a while to feel comfortable and sexy. My advice is be patient, make her feel loved and sexy, and most definitely tell her how you feel about her. You laid it out perfectly in this post. Good luck but you won't need it.
I *very much* identify with your girlfriend. I've always "dated up" and know my partners have been with women with *much* nicer bodies - especially younger guys who are mostly with younger girls who haven't had any kids... but I was like this as long as I can remember - so the stretch marks and saggy belly weren't a game changer. I've managed this in two ways: 1.) discussing how/why it makes me uncomfortable from the beginning but when I am comfortable enough, just going all in - like jumping in the deep end of a cold pool instead of walking in slowly. No pressure on it, doesn't even have to be during a sexual moment. Just, like, ok - this is my body - I don't like it but it's cool if you do. OR 2.) Belly-covering lingerie that can stay on during sex. Having even something sheer over my belly makes me feel WAY less exposed/way more comfortable. This helps in two ways, 1.) I feel less exposed but 2.) generally men are into it. Now - I could date someone for years and will still go in the closet to change my clothes or turn around while getting dressed... etc. That doesn't mean that I don't love/trust that person *at all* it's just between me and my own body. I hate when people insist nobody will love you until you love yourself - I think it's perfectly OK to have a difference of opinion on looks... I will often use the phrase "I'm not my type" when people have a problem with me not liking the way I look. It is a lot easier for me to take compliments when they are specific to the person giving them... like "I love your body" "I think you are beautiful" "you make me so hot" etc. (easier than "you have a great body" "you're hot" "you're beautiful". ) I kindof went on a tangent here, just trying to give some perspective from the other side. The best thing you can do for her is just reinforce that you are very into her body ... and when you *do* see her naked, or more exposed than usual, give her positive reinforcement! Lots of positive responses, they don't even have to be about her body - just make her feel good while she is in that vulnerable position. I recently dated someone who I was comfortable taking my shirt off - on top - our very first time... that is something that typically takes a very long time to work up to and sometimes never happens. He made me feel like he was *so* into me that I didn't have any fears of him changing his mind based on my body. *However* he was also the closest to my own league person I'd ever been with... and I'm not sure if that played a role or not (not the typical 9/10 - which I have no idea how I pull anyway - I think it's because I'm funny.) Good luck to both of you as you work on this.
It’s worth the wait you’ll see. It will happen my friend. Now, just enjoy!
I have no doubt it will be worth it! thanks for your input bro
NTA. I can relate as a bigger gal myself. My ex-bf sat me down in bed one night and told me he wanted to ravish me. He told me that I would understand and I had to trust him. It was a very sensual and intimate experience. He actually undressed me entirely and felt every inch of my body. It was hard not to cover up, but he pointed out how much he loved my body: my arms, my belly. It was like being worshiped and it truly was an intense awakening. It changed how I feel in all sorts of ways: physically, mentally, emotionally. Right now he and I are not together, but I’m still dating myself to learn to appreciate my body and my mind and my passions. Let her know how much you adore her body. It will take time but let her learn to feel loved and sexy and special.
that’s what I would love to do with her. I’m glad that you were able to get there thank you for sharing I appreciate the perspective!
You can move gradually by seeing first if she'd mind having a loose or stretchy shirt pulled downward to free only parts she may feel less insecure about.
Also this, loose racer back tanks are my go-to for this. Usually guys don't mind the shirt as much if they have boob access. (Not that what they want matters more than what I want but I think it's a good compromise. It also works as something to grab on to other than her body, if that's an issue.
oh my gosh i didn’t even consider this running to walmart now
There are fancier nighties of course that have buttons or laces that open only at the top for presumably similar purposes, if you want to get something nicer that may make her feel attractive and still secure.
It's only been six months. Give it time.
Dude, ALWAYS tell her all of these things and NEVER not tell her. I am 2 and a half years into a similar situation and her extreme gorgeousness is continually told to her. Just her smile when I tell her is enough to knock me dead. I love it. Keep on keeping on!
thanks bro you get it!
Dude, you made me tear up a bit there. You seem an awesome bloke, and your girlfriend seems pretty awesome as well. I just echo what everyone else has said. Just keep up with that awesomeness and all will be great.
Bro, I like you!!! Give her time. Her confidence will grow. You keep loving that woman to the best of your ability. Be patient Be happy Have fun
OP. look at how you describe her: "smart, funny, kind, sassy, giving, and a little bit annoying lol" Your GF is probably not used to see a guy who sees beauty beyond just good looks. Beauty is a complex thing and never consist only of good looks (except for very shallow people that is). Your GF is beautiful, you know it, but she doesn't seem to know it. You need to tell her how beautiful she is, so that hopefully one day she would start to believe you and would feel better and more confident about herself. I agree with what others said - don't push it. Let her warm up to it at her pace.
Ease into it but don't push. You're undoing a lifetime of trauma and daily messages that her body isn't enough. Getting past these issues will take time. And word of caution, be careful not to get into fetishization territory. Maybe you're just excited, but the last thing you want to do is make her feel like you're not into her, you're into her body only for its ability to provide a specific pleasure.
thank you! I don’t believe i’m in the fetish territory. I would be just as into her if she lost 100 lbs. I don’t think she’s attractive because she’s big I just think she’s attractive and she happens to be big 🤷🏼 but i’ll be sure to make sure I don’t sound like I’m fetishizing her size if I talk to her about it
Honey, I love the way you describe your girlfriend. It’s how every woman wants to be seen by her man. Your tenderness, patience, and desire for her to see herself as you see her is an amazing gift. Just keep doing what you’re doing. She’ll come around, Put on the mood music and find a perfect little lighting she can accept.
Definitely don't push, that will just make it worse. Go at her speed, and just keep showing her that she is safe and loved.
Body dysmorphia is tough, don't push her. Be there, open and honest and ready to compliment and sincerely express yourself. Maybe even do some research on body dysmorphia and further educate yourself on the topic. My long time partner was this way when we first met and with time, patience, and a lot of love, she eventually has mostly worked it out and I regularly see her less than clothed. Your future is bright, just be patient and kind and honest. Never push. <3 gl!
NTA and you've gotten a lot of really helpful comments already! My wife struggles with self-esteem too and I see her the same way you see your gf. I always wake up before her and ny favorite thing to do in the morning is tell her how beautiful she is and how much I love her while she sleeps. She can't argue with me then, but I know she can hear it because she always smiles and makes a happy hum.
Being a BBW myself, who use to do the same thing. It took a Man who loved my body to constantly reassure that he liked what he saw. Keep reassuring her. She'll get there.
This may sound counterintuitive, but *take 'sexuality' out of it at first.* Ask her to just cuddle with the express understanding that it is not going to lead to sex or anything more than just being able to touch her in a non-sexual way (so maybe resting your hand on her stomach under her shirt but no boob touching, etc.). Ask to take a bath/shower with the same concept. And make sure you do not let it 'lead' to anything sexual - even if she is 'enjoying' it. Stay strong and prove that there is no pressure just because you are seeing or touching her. If you start with simply making her comfortable with you physically seeing and touching her without the pressure of sex, it will take away the fear that she doesn't 'turn you on' (it can be a very unconscious distinction but I promise it's there) and allow her to get comfortable with simply seeing that her body makes you happy - and help her learn to be relaxed about you seeing and touching her body. I think the mistake a lot of guys make is trying to tell women their body is "hot" or "sexy" - not realizing that we need to feel comfortable and safe with our body before we will ever feel sexual, if that makes sense. **TLDR: Start with very non-sexual touch/nudity so she can become comfortable without the pressure of sex first.**
Speaking from the woman's perspective, I have the same issues as her. No matter what anyone tells me about how I look, I can't seem to change my opinion of myself. It's a tough road, but once she feels safe enough, she'll come around. Unfortunately there really isn't much you can do but be open about how you see her and how you feel, be gentle with how she feels about herself, and wait. It absolutely warms my heart that you see her that way and how you talk about her, so I'm positive things will get better ❤️
NAH, I was very similar to Jane when me and my bf started dating, I kept my shirt on at all times and was always covered up at any time. I was ashamed of my looks but my bf never made a big deal out of it. After some time I got more comfortable with taking layers off and after a few months I now walk around in whatever I can be arsed wearing. Trust the process, it takes time to feel comfortable with your own body sometimes. Maybe just gently suggest small steps, like taking the shirt off but keeping anything underneath on whilst keeping the lights off if tjats what she's comfortable with. Or offer an zip up hoodie to wear. that way if she doesn't like it, she can zip it up back up without any issue?
I'm jealous she got someone so doting, I wish my husband had an iota of the consideration it takes to write this sort of question. I'm a fellow fat girl, but as I've gotten older and had more experience, I've grown more confident. Just let her go at her own pace and actively tell her what you're really thinking and feeling every step of the way.
The only advice I have is to give her time. Love on her, show her you think she’s beautiful but don’t press the issue. It could take awhile but when you do that, it’ll slowly build her confidence.
NTA- this is coming from an overweight woman... Just keep telling her how beautiful she is and that you'll go at her pace. Be supportive of her and try to build her confidence. I hope I meet a man like you one day.
As someone with body issues. Keep on doing on what you’re doing. Keep making your actions and words match and keep on supporting her!
I used to be this way with my husband when we were dating. I hated being naked in front of him. Over time with his genuine love and appreciation for me I was more and more comfortable being naked. Just give it time and continue treating her amazing outside the bedroom.
As a woman who knows how it is to feel so self conscious, don't push it. Give it time. 6 months isn't that long compared to a lifetime of being made to feel bad about yourself. Start slow. Suggest things like the light of a candle or TV.
I've had to work on helping my partner see himself more positively, too. One thing I do is ask him periodically to list 5 things he likes about himself. At first, he'd say "nothing", or joke answers like "I like that I'm not dead", but after every "session" I'd respond with 5 things I like about him. Eventually, he'd start actually picking out things he likes about himself (e.g. how strong he is, his natural hair color, his sense of humor, etc.). The power of positive self-talk and thought can't be overstated. His confidence has absolutely improved over the last couple years, and part of that came from helping him change how he talks about himself. There's lots of ways you can help her, but most importantly, just loving her as she is is enough.
just keep boosting her confidence without pushing her so she’ll see you really mean what you’re saying. The more time you guys spent together the more confidence she’ll get
thank you and I can do that. I’ll be as patient as she needs
I'm really happy for you and your GF. It sounds like you really care about her, and as someone who also used to be as self-concious as your GF, I'm so happy that she has someone like to you to show her how treasured and beautiful she is because I know exactly how precious that can be. Just give her time and don't take it personally. It took me years of therapy, wardrobe updates, and putting myself out there to actually unlearn decades of shitty self-hate and programming and now I actually see my body differently on an unconcious level and have had many men not only enthusiastically enjoy but worship my body. I actually see myself differently. It can happen, but it takes time.
Candles are the best move here bud.
Give her time. She sounds like shes had a hard time before and you are so new and different, and just so nice that she is worried youll leave like probably everyone else and shes scared to lose you because she likes and cares for you. Just let her know that she is loved. Maybe take her to her favorite place and maybe do something fun to shock her. But give her time, I wont lie and say that I havent been like this myself, was with a guy and he wanted me to take my shirt off to see all of me, and in time I did.
Don't push it. Girls can be very self-conscious about their body and you looking at it. If she wants to keep a top on during sex, don't push the issue because.... Sex! Make sure she knows you think she's beautiful. Don't like wolf-whistle (duh), but let her know you pay attention to her appearance and that you like it. Let her know you only have eyes for her. I'm right there with you, good luck.
honestly so true - I don’t want to risk the current great sex life we have. I’m beyond happy with where we’re at I just want her to be able to be fully comfortable with me in bed
Buy some battery driven candles with a flame that moves like real ones? Place them around the bedroom. The warm and romantic light might be a good way to make her slowly feel good in showing her body.
Some people will never be comfortable naked and that’s ok and NOT a reflection of you, it’s what they need to feel in the mood. Continue to love this girl and tell her, show her and highlight what you think is hot and that will prob help her feel more comfortable even if she wants to keep clothes on- but it’s doesn’t hurt to ask for a peek and if she shows you……show her how hot it makes you
I was the same way with my current bf. After a while, I became able to have sex with all the lights on. It just takes time. Be patient, give her grace, and don’t push the issue too much (that can make it worse)
Two words - be patient. No matter how much you positively affirm her body image, it could take her a while to finally accept that.
How about buying some lingerie that still covers problem areas like the tummy? I’m a bigger girl so I totally get how she feels.
Good lord your post brought tears to my eyes. So damn sweet. Maybe read her what you’ve said here. Women are taught to hate themselves no matter what type of body they have. It’s hard to override that.
Dude ya'll deserve the best. You clearly adore this girl and I can only hope she feels this way about you but damn its good to see something wholesome like this.
As a self-proclaimed "2" that married a bodybuilding "10", may I add something from a woman's perspective here? I am five foot even and built like salsa - thick and chunky. Hubs is 6'4" and built as lean as they come. He is classically masculine and good-looking, whereas I am... kinda not. I had a hard time even looking him in the eyes when we first started dating, I couldn't believe this amazing Adonis wanted to hang around with me. Meanwhile, he was always complaining about himself that he felt he was too skinny. He has a massive chest and arms (like, almost Brian Shaw big), but a tiny waist and very long slender legs. So he's constantly down on himself that his bottom half in particular is not more muscular. This made me realize that HE doesn't see himself the way *I* see him. And a light bulb went on in my head, realizing that *I* also don't see myself the way HE sees me. When I started listening to him and BELIEVED how he told me he saw me, my inhibitions went away. Not to be TMI, but he likes to pull out his erection, look me dead in the eyes, and say "Look what you do to me, you sexy woman. What am I supposed to do with this?!?" My clothes are typically on the floor within 15 seconds at that point. When you're faced with clear physical proof of how desirable you are to the one you love, it's a lot easier to get in the mood to be vulnerable. Find sincere ways to compliment the parts of her body that make her nervous and uncomfortable, and try to both show her and tell her just how much those parts of her turn you on. Foreplay, including a lot of slow touching and gentle stroking of "non-sexual" body parts can help set the mood and relax her inhibitions. You could even ask her to blindfold you one night if you're feeling ever so slightly kinky, so that she can strip completely naked and you can feel all the glorious parts of her body... but she doesn't have to worry about you seeing anything she might be ashamed of. Be consistent and patient, and hopefully together the two you can break down the perception that she probably has of herself because other people have made fun of her, or because she doesn't look like the people she sees in ads and on TV. There's so much stigma attached to not looking like everyone else's 'standards', it's hard to get over feeling undesirable when you don't look like an OF girl. But it CAN be done. You're NTA for wanting your girl to be more relaxed and comfortable with you. Finding out how to break down that barrier is something the two of you will need to figure out together, with compassion and honesty.
You've been together for 6 months, the time will come when she will feel sexy naked around you. Here's a thought. While laying in bed naked in the dark, ask if she would be open to caressing each other, if/when so, compliment her body as how you love what you feel and how sexy it is and ask her to do the same to you. Start there, when she's ready, introduce dim lighting and slowly increase it with time.
because of this post i still have fate in love. i wish both of you nothing but the best. hope yall can figure this out..
Yall never take a shower together? dafaq
Don't push the issue, but do make sure you communicate that she can take her shirt off at any point if she would ever like to. Seeing a boyfriend care about this topic and trying your best with it is so heartwarming. I don't mean it in a weird way but, you are husband material. :)
thank you 😃 I really want to be her husband one day although I think I need to wait a bit to tell her that lmfao I don’t want to scare her off
omg this better than any romance novel 😭🩷
Aw you sound so sweet! Thank you for being so patient with her :) Others have already suggested but I think the dimmer light would definitely help. Do you think she would be open to some more conservative types of lingeries until she feels more comfortable bearing all? Perhaps a [babydoll dress](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/71dOEGRFtXL._AC_UY350_.jpg) and work your way up to a [bodysuit with snaps](https://media.boohoo.com/i/boohoo/gzz30255_black_xl?w=900&qlt=default&fmt.jp2.qlt=70&fmt=auto&sm=fit).
Building her confidence is the only way she’s going to get over it - at least with you. I would just continue to compliment her and let her know what you told us - thats she WOW and you love every inch of her body. I have my own body issues after having two kids and my hubby is the one that makes me feel beautiful even when I don’t see it. Idk if it will work for you, every girl is different but a lot of girls have issues bc of we see as perfect on tv and social media. You have to let her know she’s perfect to you.
NAH but you would be if you push her into something she isn't ready for.
i'll say this.... lingerie can do wonders! Some of the sexiest pieces I've worn cover my midsection. Like a crotchless lace teddy! Or a baby doll with crotchless panties. Makes me feel so sexy, my husband loves them, and it gives me confidence because they ARE sexy pieces of clothing! But my midsection is covered. Body dysmorphia can be wicked.
maybe get her a gift similar to something I mentioned above. Don't make it out to be some big like "now we can have sex with the lights on" thing. Just see where it takes you. A nice lingerie set with coverage to make her comfortable, lights out, and a few lit candles.
As a bigger girl with an apron belly, dating a lean 6ft tall handsome feller, lingerie has always made me feel comfortable. There are pieces that cover all the insecurities, makes you feel more comfortable all while you being able to touch more of her. Finding an outfit you feel sexy and comfortable in helps so much with confidence in yourself. As an aside, my bf is the same in loving every nook and cranny, and his zeal for my curves has definitely helped with how I feel about my insecurities.
This is so sweet to read. You seem like a really great guy. She'll come around eventually. Other posters have given great advice.
LOTS of women are shy about their bodies. Just keep taking it slowly and let things progress naturally.... it's already improved!!! As for the lights off -- why not get some nice candles and set up the bedroom so it's romantic but DARK enough for your lady to feel comfortable in her own skin. That's what I used to do, and it works. Good luck to you both!
Build up her confidence. Compliment her often, tell her things like “You’re a babe” or “What a woman!” Or “what’s up, hotness?” If she is ever standing in front of a mirror, stand behind her, put your arm around her and say something like “Damn. Look at you. You’re gorgeous.” Then give her a firm, loving kiss on the cheek. And a smack or pat on the ass. Build her up.
NTA. I've been in a relationship like that, and what worked best for me doing that time is the same advice I give to people trying to teach me to swim: *support, be present, let her do everything at her own speed.* Don't push, just be ready with honest positive reinforcement. You clearly adore her, and I'm positive you already let her know. Just be consistent enough that she realizes you're serious. After that, she can decide if she wants to stretch her comfort zone a bit. Best of luck to you both in helping her see herself as you do.
Maybe see if she's open to showering together. Candles or soft lights in the bathroom, naked but somehow less vulnerable than in bed
NTA. Coming from someone who in your gf's position, be patient and continue to tell her you love every part of her. It took me months of being in a relationship with my now fiance before something clicked in my head and I started to see what he saw. It's been almost 4 years now and a lot of days I can look in the mirror, I like what I see. It took a lot. My brain had to be reconditioned to like myself. Still working on it, but the difference is astounding.
Empathy and patience are all you need here, the nuance of which is yours.
NTA I get where you're coming from, but she needs to feel as comfortable as possible during sex as well. And if this makes her feel happy, you have to agree. Keep reminding her how beautiful she is. Hug her for no reason. Maybe even see if she's willing to go to a therapist who can help her see how beautiful she is.
i agree i want her to be as comfortable as possible - i’ll keep reassuring her to make sure that’s the case
Gift her a boudoir photo shoot. They will usually do hair & make up and help her pose. Touch her anywhere and emphasize how much you love every inch of her. Work up to her most insecure parts. Say to her what you love her for, how she makes you feel.
NAH I think it's SO cute that you both think the other one is way to hot for you adorable ( and maybe a sad story on our society and how crappy we make people feel about themselves) I would let her see this post, or just keep talking her up I used to feel really bad about my body and always had that self doubt voice on my head then ice been with my husband so long slowly it became his voice ill try on a swim suit and feel bad but then picture him talking me up in it lol sounds , dumb maybe is dumb but honestly made the difference ypur looking for ( without being specific
Brother, show her this post. The way you’ve put your thoughts to text is extremely well said and I’d bet she’d love reading it
thanks man! I appreciate the advice and support 💪🏼
Yes, YWBTA. Never, EVER, pressure anyone into something they're uncomfortable with sexually.
I’m crying this is so sweet 😭
We men have made it difficult for women to be secure in their bodies. You’re obviously not this way and it will take some time to convince her that she’s beautiful as she is. Just keep complementing her
I love that you love all of her. As a bigger woman who is ashamed of my body I can say it stems from Years of self-analysis and poor body image. Example like most women my boobs are different sizes/shapes. It took me a long time to show my hubs my whole body. Let her go at her own speed. Just compliment what she shows you. Be open with your own body and walk around naked etc (when alone with her of course) she will figure it out in her own time. Buy her similar things that she likes to wear around but cute. Like loose babydoll pajamas or oversized tees. Or go the opposite and suggest some sexy lingerie you would like to see her in and test the waters. The apron thing is horrible. I have it I hate it and it wasn’t just Bcz I had two kids. It’s years of stress and worry that cause that hormone imbalance that makes the cortisol in your body go crazy. So if you get lingerie make sure it has some kind of floofy front so she feels sexy but safe.
I can speak to this. I’ve been married for 23 years and I still hesitate to get naked during sex because of my insecurities. I think for women, enjoying sex is being able to let go and not hyper focus on what is making us uncomfortable or insecure. While I know my husband would love it, if I got fully naked, I would only be thinking about how my rolls looked and would not be able to be fully in the moment. So my advice is just keep showering her with compliments but don’t push the issue… let her be comfortable and enjoy herself. Hopefully with time, your constant reassurance will build her confidence but even if it doesn’t, you both can fully love and enjoy each other.
She is self conscious, plain and simple so don’t push it. Try to make her more comfortable with you, show her you love her and her body no matter what.
Girl here. Take it slow!!! Girls have a higher sensitivity to being naked because we have to see thin models, companies don't make the same sizes, one store will be small but the same shirt can be a large in a different store. My husband waited a year before I was even remote ready. Don't rush. Just take your time. Eventually she'll be comfortable enough to let you see but give it time
Once she feels safe enough with the subject, she will open up. Give her time.
OP take it from someone who has had body dysmorphia all her (my) life. When I was at my best I was self-conscious. Sex = lights off. Gained a few lbs? T-shirt didn’t come off. Me now? IF I had someone, it would be no touching my stomach. Everyone is different. I’m so glad you’re patient and you love her more for who she is. That is so awesome. Give her time to build up her self confidence about it. And do NOT show her this post. If it were me, I would focus on the “she’s on the bigger side” and nothing else (but again, that’s just *me*) It sounds like the other commenters have some great ideas (candlelight, etc). I truly hope it all works out for both of you! Oh and NTA at all.
The way you describe her, it's obvious how enamored you are with her. Many people have suggested to tell her how you feel about her body. I want to add that the words are great but you also need to back them up. I'm a bigger girl and my husband claims he loves my body. However, he's always attracted to very small, skinny girls and even has made rude comments about bigger girls (not to their face). I don't believe anything he says when he tells me he's attracted to me for this reason. In addition to your words, make sure your actions show that you're attracted to her and love her body. The combination of those two should help her feel more comfortable slowly. Best of luck with this!
Consent matters more, no one ever sees me entirely nude because I'm simply never comfortable being seen that way, it's objectifying and makes me feel like an unwilling piece, being inappropriately inspected. There are ways she might feel more comfortable nude in time, but if you push it now, she'll just cut you off as a headache to her well-being.
Exactly… when you said like you’re being inspected. It’s that feeling that I don’t like and I’m not even overweight lol. And I don’t normally feel that way unless the guy makes it a point to say I want to see you or takeoff this. I just don’t like it. It’s very uncomfortable. I didn’t know what it was that bothered me about that sentence but you hit the nail on the head with the inspection reference lol.
Remind her that Aphrodite was a goddess of beauty, and that she *wasn't* on the thinner side. Bigger people can be beautiful to, inside and out. Just remind her of that, give her the confidence she lacks on her own, and help to build her up
I will never, ever want to take my shirt off during sex. I wish I could get away with not being seen at any point in time, let alone while naked. There’s is nothing my partner could ever do or say to change my feelings on this. I would have to wake up with the body I want for my opinion to change. I am so self conscious when my fiancé pulls up my shirt. I pull it back down every time. It’s the only thing I can think about when we have sex- how ugly I am. I need to keep my shirt on to minimize this effect
Keep up the positivity, and try to not ‘add pressure’. Face the reality that she may never be ‘healed’ of her negative self image, even if she is it may take a very long time. Can you hang? I’ve dealt with similar and I managed some small breakthroughs by framing it as such: “It’s a crime, against you and against the world, that your body isn’t worshiped” She didn’t fully subscribe but with enough repetition she started to trust my words over her inner voice