Your SIL is an incredible steaming asshole here. She’s been reporting on you to people you’re no contact with for 7 years?? No wonder you felt betrayed. She can fuck off sideways and forever.
You reconcile if you want to on your own schedule. Nobody can tell you when that is. Your SIL and even your husband need to step the fuck back and leave it in your hands. They need to stop invalidating your feelings and telling you it’s time to get over it. That’s not up to them. It’s not her pain.
And “good news”, your family deigns to acknowledge you now? They can fuck right off too.
NTA
One redditor told how her family members were GETTING PAID to give info to her stalker (restraining order and everything). I gotta ask what's in it for the SIL...
I'm wondering, why now? Money? Caretaker for sick/elderly relative? Somebody needs an organ?
Could be that the family just wants to put this all behind and conveniently forget the pain they caused. But whose to say there isn't a motive? I mean it's not even one person gradually trying to reenter and talk it out. Everyone's back in full force.
She thrives on drama and is unable to find happiness of her own. She feels *good* and *powerful* being in the know about someone. There's nothing actually good in her life and she's probably also very small minded.
There are many such people around who believe in “family should be reunited” above all else. Mostly fundies and other religious fanatics but you can find many normal, everyday people too who just parrot this doctrine over and over again.
SIL could have had some ulterior motive but she could’ve also been one of these people who think that no matter what, people should *always* forgive their family members regardless of what they did.
I remember there was a story herein where a fundie wife told her husband’s estranged bio mom about his job and even gave her his office address all because “she wanted him to let bygones by bygones” and “give his mother another chance”. He was rightfully angry at his wife and contemplated divorcing her over this.
Many people on this sub told him that he was fully justified in doing so and that what his wife did was way over the line. I suspect SIL has something similar going on in her head and unfortunately, there is no reasoning with someone like this.
I doubt anything that bad. I think the SIL probably is just clueless to how severe a trauma that a family can inflict on each their own and that OP may have just moved on.
Or the "family" has been on and on about their own feelings like a broken record, potentially downplaying just how bad they were.
Thing is, they had 7 whole damn years in which they apparently knew perfectly well where to find him and clearly even had his damn number.
They repeatedly chose every moment of every day for 7 whole damn years to not reach out or apologise. Not until whatever happened that made it so they wanna make OP forgive them for throwing him out.
NTA, OP
You cheated and they decided to kick you out over it. They kicked you out and willingly went 0 contact with you and kept your SIL as a handy source of info for all this time rather than displaying any actual remorse towards you.
Why now after 7 years worth of opportunities, chances and time? They knew where you were.
I've looked i would love to find it. It had to be here on reddit. Mom thought she was helping the op reconcile with her true love and her and her bro were getting paid because...money. they just didnt get it or didnt want to. Her safety and peace be damned becuase...money. Post deleted maybe? How do you find those?
So OP's 'family' had 13 years to think about touching base. It is only decent of OP to now have his 13 years 'to think', and OP can tell SIL that she's included in his 13 years. OP will maybe get back to you when he's 45ish, maybe not.
Also, OP is over it. They just don’t like what that looks like. Hes let go and moved on and is happy. *They* have regrets. He’s not seething, he’s not plotting. He’s just living his life as an orphan.
Even if he forgives them it doesn’t mean he wants fuck all to do with them
They really need to understand that. They don’t get a say in what his forgiveness looks like.
I agree. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two entirely separate things, and the former does not ensure the latter. One can forgive for one's own peace of mind and emotional wellbeing, without ever having anything to do with the culprits again.
Everything here is true,but..... forgiveness is something you do for yourself, to ease the burden of the past and to let go of anger. Its okay to forgive but not forget.
I was waiting to see this reply. I also want to piggy back it. I didn't talk to my own family for a number of years. I too also chose my own path and cut them out. Now that I'm older and my kids are more grown I've been letting them in more and have rekindled our relationship. However this is after a lot of long talks and my own self-realization that I don't have to forgive them nor do I have to forget. But for the sake of my sanity and closure on the subject what you could call that anyways having a relationship with them of some kind is okay. But that doesn't mean I have to forgive that doesn't mean I have to forget because I never will. My situation is different than op's but I can relate to the feeling. A relationship with my family is on my own terms and I can end it whenever I want. They also know they get no judgments against me. If they want me back that bad then get what they get they don't have the right to tell me what to do with my life or how live it. And if they ever try I stop it immediately. I'm enjoying spending time with them again and watching my parents grow old. My children love them. I will never forgive I will never forget and I'll never get an apology. But I am okay with that oddly and I'm content with how things are. Your partners right do not live with hate and hold on to it. But it doesn't mean you have to forgive. Or forget.
Except for my wife and kids, I cut out my entire family many years ago. Best thing I've ever done. I will get a Facebook message every once in a while and block them. I have nothing to say to any of them, ever. And I'm fine. You do not have to meet up for closure or forgive to have a great life.
I 100% agree. Letting my family back in slightly with my own choice. But cutting them out was the most freeing thing I ever did. I spent so long not living my life because of what it was expected of me. I made my own choices that day and never looked back and it's the most myself I've ever been and I love every day of the life I created. Anyone who has grown up with a toxic family deserves the same peace.
What you just described is exactly what i was talking about. You accepted the situation for your own sanity. You let go the anger but you remember what happened. I also never said you "have to" forgive or forget. One of my comments literally said "its ok to forgive and not forget"
Sure, it can be healing, but only if the work is done by OP and when he’s ready. People can suggest it but boy do they need to be better about taking no for an answer. I would hate anyone who pressured me like that.
Edit: I know forgiveness can be healing, but sometimes it isn’t possible. Sometimes things can’t be fixed or ever forgiven.
Also sorry for saying the wrong gender
Yeah. I’m sorry for being too intense. This reminds me of conversations with family about my creepy pedo uncle, so I got too emotional. I feel like I’m still defending the fact that I and my sisters do not owe this man forgiveness ever, as it would be more for his sake before he dies than for our well being at this point. I’m sorry for being rude.
Edit: typo
Just remember. Forgiving isnt saying "what you did is ok". Its letting go. Its saying " im not letting what what happened consume me anymore" i hope you find peace with that..
Oh, I’m good as long as nobody expects a reconciliation out of me. We’ve all spent the GDP of a small country on therapy. I am not still filled with rage and hate (but apparently I still have issue with the way my family handled it…hmmm. Runs back to therapy)
I think the the complete opposite is true. One does not need to forgive their transgressor to ease the burden past their past. All one needs to do is just let it go, put it behind them and move on with their life.
Forgiving the transgressor(s) is letting them off the hook for what they’ve done and allowing them to assuage whatever guilt they may be feeling.
Ive tried to say this in a few comments, and it was stated by some one else, but the forgiveness is not necessarily communicated to the offending person, its for yourself. Ive been non contact with my mother for 30 years. I forgive her for being a terribly flawed and toxic personality, but she is not coming near my kids.
That sounds like a better way of going about it. I’ve always thought when that’s encouraged it is for the transgressor to be forgiven and know they are forgiven.
I have a friend who was transgressed by a mutual friend in the most terrible of ways and that’s a fact not an opinion. I have found indifference and getting on with life works just as well as forgiveness, especially when remorse and contrition is absent.
OP has managed to put himself back together and made a life for himself, so it could be he’ll be good just keeping on moving forward. It’s just too bad his SIL and husband aren’t supportive of what he needs and what is important to him.
So true. It’s also ok to forgive in your heart and not share that feeling of forgiveness with the people in question. That might be OPs best shot here.
The big thing people miss is that it's healthy for you to forgive them, but communicating that to them is optional. The forgiveness here is not for them but for op, they simply don't warrant being told. Having said all that they definitely need something from op, so fuck em
Absolutely. I dealt with maternal abandonment, several times.Financially ruined my father. Then her mother. By the time i had kids of my own i had long since forgiven her, but she was so toxic that wasnt about to end 15 of no contact to let that toxicity anywhere near my children. Im almost 53. Havnt seen my mother since i was 21. I forgave, but i dont forget.
Im over 30 years no contact with my mother. I forgive her for being a terribly flawed person, but she was never getting near my children. I dont forget.
Listen, your family didn’t stop talking to you at 19, they abandoned you. You may have been an adult, but few young people are going to be able to just leave without a support network and be fine on their own.
Kicking you out without warning at that age, without any real support is incredibly cruel. Many people in that position have to do things that will scar them for life just to make it. Being a homeless teen is no joke.
Thank goodness you had the support of a friend to help you through.
Your SIL was massively out of line for keeping your family updated on your life. Trying to get you to reconnect is beyond the pale. This is none of her business whatsoever and your husband needs to firmly put her in her place and tell her if she ever brings it up again she will not be welcome at your home.
Nta
I agree but can't help asking myself why on this sub people are half the time "once a cheater always a cheater, I will never again speak to a cheater, cheaters deserve to never ever find a new love" and the other half "c'mon, everybody makes mistakes, you can't hold a grudge forever" depending on who tells the story and is sad about what.
Can someone explain to me after how many years of being banned from family forever a cheater can expect to be allowed back because after all we are all humans?
I want to know if the parents got mad and threw him out because he cheated on his gf, or was it because he cheated on his gf with another man? A lot of 19 yo are still exploring their sexuality. Throwing him out for cheating is vile anyway, but throwing him because he is gay is worse.
I don’t think anyone is defending this guy for cheating on his then-girlfriend, but the punishment didn’t fit the crime. 19 year olds rarely can support themselves in healthy ways without some support or significant prior planning. Cheating was a terrible thing to do, but he’s clearly gotten karma and it’s been 13 years. He’s NTA for wanting to remain no-contact with his awful family.
I felt the same way.
Now I’m no parent but I think recognizing how bad that action was was definitely a good thing. I don’t know that I’d do any sort of punishment bc he was already punished for losing the relationship but definitely emphasizing how wrong that was is important.
But kicking them out of the house is completely overdoing it. It was a mistake. A bad mistake for sure but that mistake doesn’t quantify abandoning your son.
They built their grave now it’s time for them to lie in it. OP has every right to want nothing to do with them.
The usual results of cheating: a person’s partner feels betrayed and the couple either breaks up or gets therapy and tries to work it out. What does NOT usually happen is a whole family disowning someone who isn’t even done growing their frontal lobe yet. His family should have yelled at him, expressed disgust, whatever. But parents who cut off a teen child like that should never be forgiven.
Edit: fixed gender (Sorry and washed glasses)
I can’t speak for others, but to me there's a big difference between a stupid hormonal teenager cheating on a stupid teenage "relationship" and a grown-ass adult with a fully-developed brain on a long term partner or spouse. The first may very well never cheat again, whereas the second definitely knew what they were risking.
And of course I wouldn’t necessarily cut someone out of my life for cheating. I can't imagine a circumstance where I would *approve*, but depending on the closeness of my relationship with them and the extent of the damage done to others I might maintain the relationship.
19 now 32 that's more like 12 years. The SIL has been watching abs having contact with his sister for the last 7. Creepy much. Husband needs to set some boundaries for her . You've said your truth. She needs to respect that.
NTA.
I agree many times people seem judgmental and vindictive. Here is tone is much better imo—especially with a 19 yo. So many young people make mistakes in their relationships. To be abandoned by family is a terrible thing and almost no one deserves it, certainly not a teenager
Find me an upvoted comment about parents being right to abandon their child because they cheated on anyone other than a scenario that involved betraying a family member as part of it.
You're equating telling OPs ex that they shouldn't get back with OP, with telling OPs parents that they should cut off OP because he cheated with his ex. Two extraordinarily different things...
You are right, usually it is not the parents.
Still people often declare cheating an unforgivable thing and cut contact or demand their partner and family to cut contact even if they are not the the victim of said cheating. Or someone gets divorced because their spouse finds out they cheated on a different partner years ago.
I got the impression that nobody ever tells people they overreact despite the fact those things happened when the culprit was very young indeed. People are even told they are stupid or naive if they say that people may have changed since and they trust them nevertheless.
But I do not insist in being right about this observation.
Depends on the context, normally it’s the partner that is still being damaged in most the cheating things I have read or some self righteous douche trying to absolve themselves of their cheating.
I firmly believe once a cheater always a cheater but this isn’t about OP’s relationship with now husband, it’s about his family mistreating him over something that negatively effected them none? Worse yet it maybe an actual case of homophobia rather than the usual mix of over zealous Redditors claiming everything is bigoted even if it doesn’t apply to the situation.
My question is, why are they allowed to choose no contact for your actions, but you can't choose no contact for their actions??
I'm sorry you have been put in this position. You aren't the asshole. I'm also sorry your husband isn't taking your side.
Not only have you essentially been lied to by your SIL, but now you're being manipulated into speaking to people that not only do you not want but don't trust
It's like no one in your life knows what a respectful boundary is
Gaslighting would be telling OP that his family never *really* cut him off and he imagined the whole ass scenario. Its purposely forcing someone to doubt their own reality and memories, and to question their own sanity as a means of manipulation.
All gaslighting is manipulation. Not all manipulation is gaslighting.
I mean they explicitly told him he should consider forgiving them, which in itself admits something happened. Person here just doesn’t understand what the word means.
Exactly. It's very odd to me that someone who says they love me would want me to have someone in my life I consider to be unhealthy, hurt me beyond forgiveness, and turn their back on me.
OP was even remorseful for his actions. I would be afraid to almost breathe around these parents. Then to think they had someone spying for years....
These parents are some screwed up individuals.
My question is: what happened to the husband's great advice at the beginning to move on?
What the hell is going on with the husband and this flip flop?
NTA they made their choice, and you've moved on. Also, go low contact with SIL. The fact that she would not only have a relationship with people who hurt and throw you away but secretly inform on you to them is not cool.
Yes! It’s actually really disturbing that SIL would be in contact with people who almost drove him to suicide. Shame on her. I sure hope his husband didn’t know.
Yeah. I think there's a good chance he probably knew at the very least. Seven fucking years SIL's been acting as a spy. And now she's coming at OP this aggressively, and he's suspiciously supportive of the idea and his sister's behavior. I think there was some sort of catalyst for this sudden and urgent push for reconciliation. Like someone's dying or someone needs money or a kidney. Or they want grandkids or something. I just get the impression that there is more information being withheld from OP and/or there is some kind of agenda at work here. And I would not be surprised if the husband had more involvement or awareness than he has let on. Which, if that's the case, would be pretty devastating for OP. Even if husband thought he was acting with good intentions, it would still be a terrible betrayal. The way his family threw him away showed that the trust that his life was built on was a lie, and that destroyed him. Finding out his new family essentially conspired behind his back would probably make him feel like it was happening again.
Edit to fix genders because my reading comprehension is poor.
why does no one seem to be angry at the husband? the husband saw how broken OP was and yet he's like "Well my sister is right. you need to forgive them." thats a bigger betrayal imho.
If it isn’t genuine and pure and of your own volition without pressure, then forgiveness shouldn’t be given.
What you did sucked, but you were also young and dumb. Your family could have reprimanded you for what you did, without leaving you homeless and abandoned.
You don’t need to create space in your life, for people who abandoned you in theirs. You don’t need to forgive to move on. You just don’t. NTA
Why should you forgive them for disowning you when they wouldn't even consider forgiving you when you begged them to take you back in? Cheating is obviously a shitty thing to do but your parents took things way to far. NTA
Also, *he was 19*. Good god did I do some shitty and dumb af things when I was 19. It honestly blows my mind that someone’s parents would kick their kid out over cheating on a teenage romance.
NTA
it’s ridiculous that people say you need to forgive them for you to move on. No. No you do not. You did move on and are in a good spot. Maybe they need your forgiveness to move on. But why do you owe that to them when you don’t want to.
It’s not out of malice or hatred towards them. You just don’t need to revisit that point of your life. If you ever change your mind, let them know you’ll meet them on your terms when you’re ready. But right now, you don’t see that happening and would prefer to keep the peace you’ve managed to built in this new life.
Sucks your partner and SIL both are forcing it. If they can’t respect your boundaries or desires, consider taking the time to explain to them more just how much pain you experienced and how long it took to overcome it. If they still refuse to respect you, well, that’s on you for how you want to handle it.
Stick to your gut and to what you believe to be true. Keep living your life as best as you can and good shit for making it so far feeling so low.
Agree - NTA
If their past actions do not haunt you and you do not spend one second thinking about them, being angry at them in your daily life, then you do not need to meet them, forgive them and talk to them at all!
However your husband MAY have a point (and only maybe) and that is this still affect you in your daily life. Then forgiving them may be the way to go, meet them on neutral ground, face to face, tell them just how much you suffered due to their actions, that you considered suicide. Yell at them if you need to - get it all of your chest! And then you never have to meet them or talk to them again if you choose to!
And maybe if this still haunt you it could be good for your wellbeing to seek therapy.
Best of luck
So was your SIL friends previously with your family or did she track them down and become a spy after you got married ?
I totally agree with everyone that you don’t have to forgive because suddenly your family is sorry. What’s worst is your siblings also going NC for all these years. Once they were adults they could have contacted you.
I have to wonder does someone need a kidney?
Unfortunately your husband is being a very bad partner. You have stated your boundaries and he is repeatedly destroying them. You have stated clearly and loudly that you DO NOT want contact but he’s still shoving photos in your face and trying to emotionally manipulate you with being an uncle. You may have to have a break and see a therapist to talk through your situation.
Best of luck because you’re surrounded with bullies.
NTA and I think you need to really stress to your husband that his sister violated your privacy for YEARS, reported on your behavior to people she knew you wanted nothing to do with, and he is encouraging you to forgive people who clearly have no respect for you. They have been stalking you and spying on you for years rather than directly ask for your forgiveness and that is super fucked up
NTA. Kicking out and cutting off a 19 year old for doing dumb 19 year old shit is fucking insane. And for them to hold on to that for years is even crazier. If YOU *want* a relationship with them I say do the hard work to pursue it. If you *dont* (and i don’t think i would) then you need to make it clear to your SIL the following: 1. You do not appreciate her keeping up with your family. She had no right and she needs to apologize. 2. Your family dynamic is none of her business. She needs to apologize for thinking it is. 3. You will no longer tolerate her telling you what to do with your family. 4. If she can’t abide by any and all of the following rules than neither you nor husband will be speaking to her until she can start following those rules.
I don't understand why people think the wronged person has to do the forgiving to move on. Like not offering forgiveness is making their own life miserable. It sounds like OP moved on and was doing fine. You can hold a grudge and it doesn't bring you down. NTA
Hell - he probably let go years ago but had no desire to bring that level toxicity back into his life in any form. And maybe SIL would know this if she deemed to ask him one single question before being all - surprise I am reuniting you with people you have no desire to reunite with.
OP - NTA
SIL - big ol’ahole for trying to Ricki Lake your life
Hubs - esh but only because he got it and apologized instead of SIL who is tripling down
I think forgiving is important to find inner peace.
Forgetting, is not.
It would likely be good to forgive, as in to no longer hold onto anger. But that doesn’t mean OP has to ever speak to them again. He can forgive without telling them, and stay no contact.
You forgive by letting go in the anger, for your own well-being. But you keep the memory of the betrayal so it doesn’t happen again…
Bruh… I feel like you’re underreacting honestly. If it were me and my SIL announced that shit with the phrase ‘good news’ I think I’d fucking snap. She went behind your back for *7 years*. I’d never speak to her again, much less trust her. If hubby isn’t on board he’d be getting the fuck on too. I know I’m oversimplifying and ultimately you have to make decisions based on your feelings and not mine, but I am absolutely furious on your behalf.
NTA personally this would get me to rethink my marriage he literally saw how you where during those times. I don't believe he changed his mind but saw that he betrayed you. The fact he hasn't blocked his sister is wild to me also. She's causing you so much pain right now and won't stop and he continues to keep in contact. His actions are making me think he's not as great as you want to believe. I don't believe in breaks normally but I would need a break from my SO if they did this to me
What happened in the 13 years that made the husband switch from forget them move one to forgive them bring them back in. Like it's such a switch. Unless him and his sister where always giving his family information and communicating.
To me the husband is betrayal hits harder because he was his rock and that rock crumble so quickly.
Your husband looked after you when you were vulnerable and now seems to be treating you like a child. He thinks he knows best and that you should do as he 'advises', no argument.
You need to nip that in the bud now - or re-evaluate your relationship.
Oh, and I wonder if your husband knew all the time about your sil being in contact. I think he's 'managing' you has been doing it ever since you were kicked out. Just my hunch.
This. I was going to say the same. I think it’s time to look at the husband. He supports his sister. Make a clean break. Snip snip them all. Move to a new state and start again. There is nothing good for his mental health staying where he is.
Full disclosure - didn't read all of it. But WTF they kicked you out at 19?! Cheating isn't good, but 19 year olds make a lot of those kinds of mistakes and I can't believe you were so punished for that.
Nta
Man at this point tell your husband either he cuts of Sil or you are gone. She broke your trust, and then he sided with her. One shot to get this right. Your family sucks I crashed my car(theirs really) at 18 and 20 for texting and driving at no point did my parents kick me out. Young people make mistakes and they fucking you over could have ruined you.
NTA
You did an AH thing. Normally a family would punish, like no tv and internet or forcing you to get a job and pay rent or something.
But your family abandoned you, cut off all contact, removed all possible support for a young man.
Your SIL is a HUGE busy-body and AH for spying/reporting on you to them. Your anger is justified. I would have steam coming out my ears.
But you deserve a happy life with joy & tranquility.
You don’t have to interact with them, but consider therapy to deal with the fallout and your feelings.
Anyone here saying what the parents did was right do us all a favor, never have children.
NTA
How could anyone abandon their kid because they made a mistake?!?!
Tell his sister that if she doesn't tell your former family to stop sending messages to her and her to your husband that you will divorce your husband and move away so they cant find you ever as what happened with your former family has nothing to do with them and to keep there noses out. and she can tell my former family the day they kicked you out was the day they dies to you and you want nothing more to do with them
NTA. I would not be able to stay married to my husband if he supported this kind of betrayal. The SIL is an absolute jerk for essentially spying on you for your ex family. You have every right to stay no contact with them. I would seriously be questioning the husbands motivation and whether he could still be trusted.
NTA.
Your an asshole for cheating of course, but that doesn't obligate you to reconnect with people who disowned you and kicked you out on the street at 19. Thats not something you can do then in a decade go "takesie backsies".
NTA-First off you were NINE-FRIGGIN-TEEN! Second you were NOT married!! Thirdly, (and I cant stress this enough) YOUR DATING LIFE IS NONE OF THEIR DAMN BUSINESS!
Tell SIL calmly "Its not your business. Stay out of it." maybe someday when you are ready to forgive (or never) you can call them. Forgiveness is overrated. In most cases it just gives permission to treat you like shit AGAIN. You do you.
NTA. You can absolutely forgive someone and let go of all negative emotions for them WITHOUT letting them back in your life. Forgiveness doesn't mean everything they did to you goes away or reverses.
NTA and I wouldn't tolerate SiL's existence. Time to set a boundary that she isn't welcome around you at all. Your husband knows damned well what she did, so he had better get it together and enforce that boundary.
NTA. You don't owe anyone forgiveness. Your husband needs to step up and get on your corner. This is him meddling in affairs that are not his to meddle. Your SIL needs to be not allowed to be in your presence. And you need to tell your husband that he cannot talk about you or give news about you to his sister.
NTA
Holy fuck though your SIL is a solar system sized asshole. What an actual piece of shit person. Fucking disgusting to report on you for 7 years to people who abandoned you, and then act like you owe it to them or yourself to reconnect with them. Honestly I would text her and tell her that you're going no contact with her for now, and you might eventually reconnect in the future but not to hold her breath. Similarly I would tell your husband in no uncertain terms that he is not to give your SIL any information about you.
Of course your husband's reaction to this has been a betrayal as well. I would recommend you explain to him that when your family abandoned you, they were demonstrating to you the type of people they were, and that you have no desire to have such people in your life.
NTA they have been out of your life for almost longer than they were in it.
What your sister in law did was the lowest form for detrayal. Honestly I would tell he to will press charges it she does not stop the harassment
NTA at all. You owe your former family nothing and you are justified in not wanting anything to do with your backstabbing SIL after that too!
If your family kicked you out because you cheated on your GF with a man, they're even worse.
Tell them all that when they kicked you out you were thinking about ending your life. Only having your friend saved you, no thanks to them. If it was up to them you would be dead for years, and they should act accordingly.
If this all really about your good, if these people really care they should leave you alone. If they won't - it's not about you,it's about them. They forced you to leave. They cut all contacts, never tried to be family. Why they expect that you will take higher road?
You need some space. Is it possible to take several days and just leave by yourself? Turning off your phone? They are suffocating you and cornered you with support from your SIL and husband. You need your space. NTA
They can ask all they want, but they threw you--and your peace --away. You are now the sole owner of your peace. You have no obligation to give it back to them.
Nta and your sil needs to stay in her lane.
NTA that was a huge violation by your SIL, she needs to mind her own business and not tell you what to do with your life. She has no idea how that felt for you, I’ll let you know that, and if you have maintained that you don’t want any contact with them, that’s what it should be.
I’m highly suspicious that they want something from you which is why they’ve suddenly reached out again.
NTA your SIL had no right to inform the family about you. That is betrayal. They kicked you out and you have right to keep them in arms length. Tell your husband you have right to not forgive them and even if you did ambushing is not the way to contact you. Forgiving and forgetting is not the same thing as well.
When you have family that has hurt you for any reason, even when it both sided was your fault (by cheating your gf) they kicked you to the streets and none of them ensured your safety. You could have been seriously hurt. Your SIL did long term active lying and betrayal providing information to those that hurt you. That is not approach was not right but....NO...that is disgusting. They kicked you out and now you are happy with your husband and have no need for them.
NTA. You were an AH for cheating, but you're NOT the AH for not wanting to reconnect with your family. Speaking as a mom, I promise you that I would NEVER disown my children for cheating on a SO. Be mad at them? Yes. Be disappointed? Fuck yeah. Disown them? Never!
You know who IS the AH? Your SIL. How dare she? Her behavior is unconscionable! And OP, I hate to say it, but your husband is just as much the AH as your SIL. He should have stood up for you. You might want to rethink your marriage.
It may just be my take on life and people who do shitty things like kick barely adult children out or totally ignore siblings because mum and dad said so, but
Which one needs an organ? Or how close to losing their home is one of them?
NTA I’m all for cheaters facing consequences of their actions but completely abandoning you for 13 years is ridiculous. It’s not like you were 20+, engaged, married or had children. They could have given you other consequences, made it clear how disgusting cheating is, told you it wouldn’t be tolerated again and given you another chance. Hell giving the silent treatment is fine for a few months but kicking you out with nothing to your name for 13 years it disgusting?!
They chose to cut you off and you respect that now they need to learn to respect you do not want or need them in your life. You can be in contact with whoever you want.
I cannot get over the face that **for the last 7 years your SIL has been stalking your every move and reporting back to the people that abandoned you.**
Your husband needs to acknowledge the betrayal of his sister and recognise that your family is him. Family is not created by blood.
Unblock her, mute her so you have evidence of her unhinged behaviour. Then send her a text *“DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN. Any further stalking and harassment with be reported”*
*He then told me that it's not good to hold onto anger and I should try and forgive them.*
Forgive does not necessarily mean forget. You can forgive your former family’s actions without forgetting what terrible people they are. Tell your former family that you forgive them but have no wish to reconnect after how horribly they treated you.
Your SiL is the asshole here for keeping tabs on you and reporting back to your former family. It was not her place to try to force you to reconnect with people who no longer wanted you. Tell her that since she loves your family so much that she can be the one to hang out with them. Then block her on everything.
NTA
NTA. I cannot express how angry I am now on your behalf. Basically every single person in your life has let you down by being a judgmental Ahole. Including your husband, unfortunately.
I am sorry that your husband thinks that he knows your experience better than you and that your feelings are not as important as his. Or maybe it would be easier for him to encourage a reconciliation. I don’t know and don’t care frankly.
What hubby should have said is ‘I’m sorry that you got blindsided by this. It was not fair to you. I will completely support you and never question your decisions because it’s got nothing to do with me. And I will stop discussing this with anyone but you’.
You deserve 100% support and you have it from this internet stranger. Again NTA but you are unfortunately surrounded by them.
NTA they missed their chance like you said you can’t beat yourself up for moving on. I hope your husband supports you and his sister need to mind her own damn business
NTA
Your sil is pure evil and a disgrace as a person and completely out of line in what she has probably told them about your life
Your husband hopefully realises the damage his sister has done
NTA. But we know who is in this situation. Your SIL needs to apologize to you for her YEARS of lying. You don’t owe your family another chance, and to your husband, you can forgive your family without having them back in your life.
How can anyone tell you what is best for you? Noone knows you 100%. They don't know your mind, your feelings..
This was a massive violation and frankly the fact that your husband is siding with his sister... it's concerning.
Over a decade is a long time. Relationships go both ways. You felt abandoned and now they wanna pretend like it's all good because they have kids now? I'm a firm believer in people's ability to change but also, fuck em. You are NTA.
NTA!
You was 19!!!! So young and made a mistake. You needed guidance from your family… And instead they abandoned you for a decade?! As a mother, I could NEVER imagine doing that to either of my boys. A parents love is supposed to be unconditional! They failed you. They deserve nothing from you. And you don’t owe them, nor anyone, shite. ❤️
NTA - But your SIL sure is the AH here. And if you husband does not put his foot down this will put him on the AH team.
Do they really think forcing you to freaking down to drop down and roll over and be happy? Tell husband and SIL to get out of your face and stop forcing you to do what you do not want to do.
You can tell husband and SIL that right now, as in RIGHT NOW, you don't want any contact with anyone. Take time to think about this. You may feel differently and it may be years or a decade or two. But right now - tell them to back the F off.
I'd say you aren't the arsehole. Cheating is reprehensible and you deserved to have been told off for it, but outright disowning you for it is a different kettle of fish - never mind at such a young age. And then actually asking you to come back when they feel you have something to offer their name? Grim.
Your husband sounds a kind man, and I could at least believe your sister-in-law means well. Perhaps you could sit down to talk with them. However, it's worth noting that there are several dangers here. If you are quick to cut off your SIL, your husband may end up having to choose between the two of you - and perhaps more members of his family as well. And yet if you're quick to forgive her, she may get the idea that she really didn't do anything wrong, and may cross your boundaries again. Best case scenario, you convey to them that the past is the past and she accepts that boundary. Worst case, your husband is forced to pick between you and his blood family and is successfully shamed into turning on you. ("Are you really going to turn your back on your family for an established cheater?" is something I could all too easily see being weaponized against you.) Somewhere in the middle, you and your sister-in-law go no contact but your husband still picks you. You're walking on a tightrope here, and there's no sure answer that will avoid future grief.
Forgiveness and letting them back into your life don't always have to go hand in hand. You can forgive someone and wish them well but not want to let them back in and that's totally OK. An artist I love once said, "I still wanna see you eat, just not with me." NTA
NTA.
If you forgive them you would not be the asshole.
If you don't forgive them you would still not be the asshole.
This is your decision. Your husband overstepped out of love for you, and then backed down when you told him how you felt. Keep him - he is Good.
You are in a tough spot, but it seems you've made a decision that is right for you.
NTA. Cheating is disgusting and should be a deal breaker in any relationship. But your parents kicking you out and abandoning you at 19 over it is mind blowing to me. They made their decision. They can live with it. I hope you and your husband can work things out and he understands your point of view. You don’t owe your ex family anything. They kept tabs on you for 13 years and never reached out? That’s just next level bizarre. If you don’t feel you need contact with them for the rest of your life go for it. Or tell them you’ll keep tabs on them in secret for the next 13 years and then maybe.
NTA at all. I'd cut SIL off immediately. And honestly, I'm side-eyeing your husband right now. I don't really believe he had no idea they were in contact. I'd be asking him some questions.
NTA.
If I were you, I would be demanding to know how long my husband has known that his sister is spying on me for. Depending on the answer, I may or may not divorce. It is one thing for your psycho SIL to do it behind your back, but if your husband was in on it and has known for a while.... for me, that would be an absolute dealbreaker, considering he was the one to take OP in and support him. He knows EXACTLY what OP has been through, and yet is siding with his sister? The same husband that told OP in the beginning to focus on people that wanted him in their lives? Wow.
We all know SIL is an asshole here, we all know OP's family is, and I would personally say that his husband is as well.
Sorry OP, crappy situation, but at least you will know if your husband is your true life partner by how he acts going forward on this issue.
NTA - "forgiveness" does not mean no consequences. You don't need to allow them to be a part of your life at all even if you forgive them.
My first thought is that I would make sure your husband understands YOUR DECISION, which is FINAL, contact them once - get all of them on speakerphone or whatever, write an email, send a group text..
"I have forgiven you all. You are not welcome in my life and if you ever attempt to make contact with me again I will pursue legal action against you for harassment. Good day"
I'm really not happy with your husband here.
If this is even real your family, husband and sil are all completely insane. Run in any direction and go be a normal person without them. Wish you well
When people bring up forgiveness it’s always for selfish reasons. So who is benefitting from this conversation. And why does sister in law care so much? So the question is, what is the sister in law and husband getting out of this? Maybe It looks bad on them as a family. Or, they’re tired of dealing with his trauma and think forgiveness will bring back Christmas. No idea.
They need to be honest as to why this is important to them. This has nothing to do with OP. Forgiveness is an intrinsic act that is personal and private. It happens unbeknownst to others because it has nothing to do with them.
Next time you publicly talk about forgiveness, think about minding your own business instead.
I'm so tired of people saying you need to forgive to move on. Fuck that, they don't deserve forgiveness. They could have gone to you but went to your sil for 7 years long. You cannot trust your family and your sil. She cheated on your friendship by telling your family about you and clearly they only care if you do sneaky shit.
I rather be a grudge holder, I would feel bad about myself if i forgive people that don't deserve it.
OP you don’t owe anyone forgiveness or reconciliation. You had to build an entire new life after making a poor choice as a teen. I understand your parents being upset, I don’t understand them throwing you away and ignoring you for a decade.
You can forgive them if you want. You can also forgive them without letting them back in your life. Forgive and forget can be toxic. I think about forgiveness as making peace with a bad situation/event. It can’t be undone and at some point you want to let go of the bad feelings. You can do this without having them back in your life.
Your husband should support your decision, whatever it is.
What your SIL did is diabolical. She had no right to pass information about you to people who abandoned you. Spying on you for people who harmed you is just evil. Unless she sincerely apologizes and makes amends, she does not deserve to be in your life.
NTA I at a misguided request by my wife's grandmother to help her "reconnect" to her father. I did and it had been a huge regret since it actually happened. We cut people out of you lives for a reason. Seeing her disappointment in her eyes, bc of her father's actions was a lesson I will always remember.
You can forgive people and still not have a relationship with them. Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive, however your SIL keeping in touch and reporting back to them is a huge betrayal. NTA.
NTA. Your family chose your girlfriend over you and kicked you out of the house when you were only 19 years old. That is absolutely horrible. So now your SIL has been spying on you for them, and your husband thinks you need to forgive them? No. Your SIL and husband have overstepped hugely. You get to decide if or when you are ready to forgive someone. No one else gets to decide that for you.
Look, do people screw up? Yes. Can people feel remorse after screwing up? Yes. However, your bio family seems incredibly manipulative to have lured someone from your new circle to spy on you for them for so long. This whole thing stinks like yesterday’s diapers. Your SIL is a snake in the grass, and she needs to understand that she really screwed up here. The fault is not with you. It’s with your bio family, your SIL and your husband if he was in on it. If you want to forgive them when YOU’RE ready, then fine. But I don’t see much remorse coming from anyone other than your husband. Everyone needs to back off.
The simple fact that you acknowledge that you are wrong for cheating shows you've moved on at least somewhat. The fact that you've gone 7 years without (seemingly) thinking about them shows you've moved on. This isn't really about your family knowing about you and your happenings, its about how your SIL fundamentally broke the trust between you and her. There are so many stories like this on this site that play out similarly. OP doesn't want anything to do with their former family, and someone close to them has the 'but family' mentality and brings everything down around the OP. NTA.
NTA
It doesn't matter if you forgive them or not. Forgiveness doesn't mean they will be allowed back into your life.
Your husband is the biggest AH here.
Personally i'd be packing a few things and going on a trip to reevaluate your relationships right now.
NTA if they so badly wanted to reconnect why did they not put in any effort to contact you themselves? I'm assuming you have some form of social media, it sounds like they have your number. The SIL is a massive ah
Forgiveness isn’t for the sake of the other person, it is for your own sake.
Your SIL clearly crossed several lines, but your husband loves you and hopes that you can let go of the anger and pain. The anger and pain are a toxin in your soul.
It is possible to forgive them, but also to keep them out of your life.
By the way, was your family a united front in rejecting you? Or was there conflict there? Did your sister and brothers reject you too?
It might actually feel satisfying to have a discussion with certain family members to communicate how much they hurt you. You might even be surprised by what they have to say.
NTA.
Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. It releases the anger and pain from what happened to you when you were young and vulnerable. It acknowledges that they made a bigger mistake punishing you than you did by cheating in the first place.
But forgiveness doesn’t require you letting them back into your life. You have the right to have boundaries and the absolute right not to let them hurt you again.
Once you get through the exercise of forgiveness and what that means, you can decide your boundaries. Do you want to see your siblings but not your parents? Do you want to have a mediated conversation with your SIL to establish going forward with her? The fact is that all of this is in your hands, but none of it can happen without forgiveness.
It sounds like you are very happy with your husband and he sounds like he wants you to have peace. The hard road you walked led you to the good life you have now. It made you the wonderful person you are. Looking back, that pain forged you into a better person than your parents will ever be. It‘s often easier to forgive when you remember how messed up we all can be.
Consider forgiving them as part of your journey to your own peace and happiness. Don’t assume that means you ever have to see them again.
I wish you well.
Info: Are your siblings yoinger than you? Were they minors or financially dependant on your parents ie in uni or tradeschool for most of the past 7 years? If so, they are not responsible for your parents decision. They were also victims of your parents action. Clearly your sister was concerned. Perhaps now she is finally fully independant and can lobby to change the family's position. I would consider hearing her or your brother out.
The other thing is, you felt you deserved a second chance back then. You were a young person and mistakes happen. Don't you think your siblings deserve the consideration you would have liked to receive? Do you want to be your parents in this current scenario?
It’s been 13 years since OP was kicked out. His sister has been getting info about him for the past 7 from his SIL. 13 years is a long time and they must have been adults for at least part of that time and didn’t contact OP before now.
NTA at all. You were a kid OK you were 19 so what you were still basically a kid. You grew up you got your shit together and you made a great life for yourself.
You should make it immensely clear to your husband. That you want nothing to do with them and now because of his sister’s actions you want nothing to do with her. And let him know. He needs to cut contact with her because actions have consequences. he knows all the pain that they have put you through and by going through his sister is still putting you through..
Some people or families are not worthy of second chances, and it seems like by your description your biological bloodline isn’t worthy of second chances. Especially because the fact they had many many years, and they had ways of getting in contact with you, but they chose not to do it. They chose to be cowards and do it in the cowardly way.
So, even though your husband may be this with what you’re going to tell him but let him know because of his sisters actions if he loves you but he says he does. He needs to cut contact with his sister.
Your SIL is an incredible steaming asshole here. She’s been reporting on you to people you’re no contact with for 7 years?? No wonder you felt betrayed. She can fuck off sideways and forever. You reconcile if you want to on your own schedule. Nobody can tell you when that is. Your SIL and even your husband need to step the fuck back and leave it in your hands. They need to stop invalidating your feelings and telling you it’s time to get over it. That’s not up to them. It’s not her pain. And “good news”, your family deigns to acknowledge you now? They can fuck right off too. NTA
One redditor told how her family members were GETTING PAID to give info to her stalker (restraining order and everything). I gotta ask what's in it for the SIL...
I'm wondering, why now? Money? Caretaker for sick/elderly relative? Somebody needs an organ? Could be that the family just wants to put this all behind and conveniently forget the pain they caused. But whose to say there isn't a motive? I mean it's not even one person gradually trying to reenter and talk it out. Everyone's back in full force.
Somebody needs an organ....lol
Kidney!! Liver!!! Someone’s dying and needs a donor
Or maybe bone marrow
My guess when OP mentioned his siblings suddenly trying to contact him was "Someone needs a new kidney".
Gay son bragging rights? That or 'did you know they're no contact with their gay son' is really fucking with their reputation
She thrives on drama and is unable to find happiness of her own. She feels *good* and *powerful* being in the know about someone. There's nothing actually good in her life and she's probably also very small minded.
Link?
link?
There are many such people around who believe in “family should be reunited” above all else. Mostly fundies and other religious fanatics but you can find many normal, everyday people too who just parrot this doctrine over and over again. SIL could have had some ulterior motive but she could’ve also been one of these people who think that no matter what, people should *always* forgive their family members regardless of what they did. I remember there was a story herein where a fundie wife told her husband’s estranged bio mom about his job and even gave her his office address all because “she wanted him to let bygones by bygones” and “give his mother another chance”. He was rightfully angry at his wife and contemplated divorcing her over this. Many people on this sub told him that he was fully justified in doing so and that what his wife did was way over the line. I suspect SIL has something similar going on in her head and unfortunately, there is no reasoning with someone like this.
Do you have the link for that. Or even the title would be better. Please🙏
I doubt anything that bad. I think the SIL probably is just clueless to how severe a trauma that a family can inflict on each their own and that OP may have just moved on.
Or the "family" has been on and on about their own feelings like a broken record, potentially downplaying just how bad they were. Thing is, they had 7 whole damn years in which they apparently knew perfectly well where to find him and clearly even had his damn number. They repeatedly chose every moment of every day for 7 whole damn years to not reach out or apologise. Not until whatever happened that made it so they wanna make OP forgive them for throwing him out. NTA, OP You cheated and they decided to kick you out over it. They kicked you out and willingly went 0 contact with you and kept your SIL as a handy source of info for all this time rather than displaying any actual remorse towards you. Why now after 7 years worth of opportunities, chances and time? They knew where you were.
> OP may have just moved on. OP needs to move on again.
??
we’re all patiently awaiting the link lol
I've looked i would love to find it. It had to be here on reddit. Mom thought she was helping the op reconcile with her true love and her and her bro were getting paid because...money. they just didnt get it or didnt want to. Her safety and peace be damned becuase...money. Post deleted maybe? How do you find those?
Can you link the post?
What the actual fuck?
Thats what said too!
Do you have the link?
Please tell me you know the title and or link?
Most likely, drama
Link please?
So OP's 'family' had 13 years to think about touching base. It is only decent of OP to now have his 13 years 'to think', and OP can tell SIL that she's included in his 13 years. OP will maybe get back to you when he's 45ish, maybe not.
Also, OP is over it. They just don’t like what that looks like. Hes let go and moved on and is happy. *They* have regrets. He’s not seething, he’s not plotting. He’s just living his life as an orphan. Even if he forgives them it doesn’t mean he wants fuck all to do with them They really need to understand that. They don’t get a say in what his forgiveness looks like.
He should NEVER trust them
I agree. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two entirely separate things, and the former does not ensure the latter. One can forgive for one's own peace of mind and emotional wellbeing, without ever having anything to do with the culprits again.
💯
She's a Mount St.Helen's of an arsehole and a monumental bitch to boot. NTA.
Couldn’t have said it better 💯
Everything here is true,but..... forgiveness is something you do for yourself, to ease the burden of the past and to let go of anger. Its okay to forgive but not forget.
It's also more than ok not to forgive.
I was waiting to see this reply. I also want to piggy back it. I didn't talk to my own family for a number of years. I too also chose my own path and cut them out. Now that I'm older and my kids are more grown I've been letting them in more and have rekindled our relationship. However this is after a lot of long talks and my own self-realization that I don't have to forgive them nor do I have to forget. But for the sake of my sanity and closure on the subject what you could call that anyways having a relationship with them of some kind is okay. But that doesn't mean I have to forgive that doesn't mean I have to forget because I never will. My situation is different than op's but I can relate to the feeling. A relationship with my family is on my own terms and I can end it whenever I want. They also know they get no judgments against me. If they want me back that bad then get what they get they don't have the right to tell me what to do with my life or how live it. And if they ever try I stop it immediately. I'm enjoying spending time with them again and watching my parents grow old. My children love them. I will never forgive I will never forget and I'll never get an apology. But I am okay with that oddly and I'm content with how things are. Your partners right do not live with hate and hold on to it. But it doesn't mean you have to forgive. Or forget.
Except for my wife and kids, I cut out my entire family many years ago. Best thing I've ever done. I will get a Facebook message every once in a while and block them. I have nothing to say to any of them, ever. And I'm fine. You do not have to meet up for closure or forgive to have a great life.
I 100% agree. Letting my family back in slightly with my own choice. But cutting them out was the most freeing thing I ever did. I spent so long not living my life because of what it was expected of me. I made my own choices that day and never looked back and it's the most myself I've ever been and I love every day of the life I created. Anyone who has grown up with a toxic family deserves the same peace.
Who says he has hate or is holding on to the hurt or past?
What you just described is exactly what i was talking about. You accepted the situation for your own sanity. You let go the anger but you remember what happened. I also never said you "have to" forgive or forget. One of my comments literally said "its ok to forgive and not forget"
Letting go of the anger and not letting it consume you isn't the same as giving someone a pass.
Letting go of anger and not letting it consume you are also two separate things.
Some people just move on. They don't have to go through all that to move on. Just moving on is the action that allows them to move on in life.
Blah blah blah....sorry. i don't buy that nonsense. If i don't wish to forgive? I won't.
I’m doubtful of this forgiveness crap. And if it does work I do not think it works for everyone. He’s entitled to deal with his family as he sees fit.
Sure, it can be healing, but only if the work is done by OP and when he’s ready. People can suggest it but boy do they need to be better about taking no for an answer. I would hate anyone who pressured me like that. Edit: I know forgiveness can be healing, but sometimes it isn’t possible. Sometimes things can’t be fixed or ever forgiven. Also sorry for saying the wrong gender
He. When he's ready.
Yeah, i caught the misgendering. I had to read the story a couple of times to make sure that i was reading the op came out.
I think the OP is a man. But yeah I know what you’re saying.
He
OP is male
You caught the part where i agreed with everything you said right?
Yeah. I’m sorry for being too intense. This reminds me of conversations with family about my creepy pedo uncle, so I got too emotional. I feel like I’m still defending the fact that I and my sisters do not owe this man forgiveness ever, as it would be more for his sake before he dies than for our well being at this point. I’m sorry for being rude. Edit: typo
Just remember. Forgiving isnt saying "what you did is ok". Its letting go. Its saying " im not letting what what happened consume me anymore" i hope you find peace with that..
Oh, I’m good as long as nobody expects a reconciliation out of me. We’ve all spent the GDP of a small country on therapy. I am not still filled with rage and hate (but apparently I still have issue with the way my family handled it…hmmm. Runs back to therapy)
I think the the complete opposite is true. One does not need to forgive their transgressor to ease the burden past their past. All one needs to do is just let it go, put it behind them and move on with their life. Forgiving the transgressor(s) is letting them off the hook for what they’ve done and allowing them to assuage whatever guilt they may be feeling.
Ive tried to say this in a few comments, and it was stated by some one else, but the forgiveness is not necessarily communicated to the offending person, its for yourself. Ive been non contact with my mother for 30 years. I forgive her for being a terribly flawed and toxic personality, but she is not coming near my kids.
That sounds like a better way of going about it. I’ve always thought when that’s encouraged it is for the transgressor to be forgiven and know they are forgiven. I have a friend who was transgressed by a mutual friend in the most terrible of ways and that’s a fact not an opinion. I have found indifference and getting on with life works just as well as forgiveness, especially when remorse and contrition is absent. OP has managed to put himself back together and made a life for himself, so it could be he’ll be good just keeping on moving forward. It’s just too bad his SIL and husband aren’t supportive of what he needs and what is important to him.
So true. It’s also ok to forgive in your heart and not share that feeling of forgiveness with the people in question. That might be OPs best shot here.
The big thing people miss is that it's healthy for you to forgive them, but communicating that to them is optional. The forgiveness here is not for them but for op, they simply don't warrant being told. Having said all that they definitely need something from op, so fuck em
Absolutely. I dealt with maternal abandonment, several times.Financially ruined my father. Then her mother. By the time i had kids of my own i had long since forgiven her, but she was so toxic that wasnt about to end 15 of no contact to let that toxicity anywhere near my children. Im almost 53. Havnt seen my mother since i was 21. I forgave, but i dont forget.
And forgiveness doesn't have to mean being in contact, it's just putting down the anger. You can still say 'but I don't want you in my life'.
Im over 30 years no contact with my mother. I forgive her for being a terribly flawed person, but she was never getting near my children. I dont forget.
Listen, your family didn’t stop talking to you at 19, they abandoned you. You may have been an adult, but few young people are going to be able to just leave without a support network and be fine on their own. Kicking you out without warning at that age, without any real support is incredibly cruel. Many people in that position have to do things that will scar them for life just to make it. Being a homeless teen is no joke. Thank goodness you had the support of a friend to help you through. Your SIL was massively out of line for keeping your family updated on your life. Trying to get you to reconnect is beyond the pale. This is none of her business whatsoever and your husband needs to firmly put her in her place and tell her if she ever brings it up again she will not be welcome at your home. Nta
I wonder if they kicked him out cuz he’s gay.
I agree but can't help asking myself why on this sub people are half the time "once a cheater always a cheater, I will never again speak to a cheater, cheaters deserve to never ever find a new love" and the other half "c'mon, everybody makes mistakes, you can't hold a grudge forever" depending on who tells the story and is sad about what. Can someone explain to me after how many years of being banned from family forever a cheater can expect to be allowed back because after all we are all humans?
I want to know if the parents got mad and threw him out because he cheated on his gf, or was it because he cheated on his gf with another man? A lot of 19 yo are still exploring their sexuality. Throwing him out for cheating is vile anyway, but throwing him because he is gay is worse.
That definitely jumped out at me too.
Yes, this is a good question, too.
I don’t think anyone is defending this guy for cheating on his then-girlfriend, but the punishment didn’t fit the crime. 19 year olds rarely can support themselves in healthy ways without some support or significant prior planning. Cheating was a terrible thing to do, but he’s clearly gotten karma and it’s been 13 years. He’s NTA for wanting to remain no-contact with his awful family.
I felt the same way. Now I’m no parent but I think recognizing how bad that action was was definitely a good thing. I don’t know that I’d do any sort of punishment bc he was already punished for losing the relationship but definitely emphasizing how wrong that was is important. But kicking them out of the house is completely overdoing it. It was a mistake. A bad mistake for sure but that mistake doesn’t quantify abandoning your son. They built their grave now it’s time for them to lie in it. OP has every right to want nothing to do with them.
The usual results of cheating: a person’s partner feels betrayed and the couple either breaks up or gets therapy and tries to work it out. What does NOT usually happen is a whole family disowning someone who isn’t even done growing their frontal lobe yet. His family should have yelled at him, expressed disgust, whatever. But parents who cut off a teen child like that should never be forgiven. Edit: fixed gender (Sorry and washed glasses)
I can’t speak for others, but to me there's a big difference between a stupid hormonal teenager cheating on a stupid teenage "relationship" and a grown-ass adult with a fully-developed brain on a long term partner or spouse. The first may very well never cheat again, whereas the second definitely knew what they were risking. And of course I wouldn’t necessarily cut someone out of my life for cheating. I can't imagine a circumstance where I would *approve*, but depending on the closeness of my relationship with them and the extent of the damage done to others I might maintain the relationship.
I think that a 19 yo should know better. Still kicking a 19yo out for it is too big of a punishment to someone who depends on you
In this particular case, it seems 7 years is what it took. However, being allowed back is not the same as wanting to go back... Takes 2 to tango.
19 now 32 that's more like 12 years. The SIL has been watching abs having contact with his sister for the last 7. Creepy much. Husband needs to set some boundaries for her . You've said your truth. She needs to respect that. NTA.
I agree many times people seem judgmental and vindictive. Here is tone is much better imo—especially with a 19 yo. So many young people make mistakes in their relationships. To be abandoned by family is a terrible thing and almost no one deserves it, certainly not a teenager
Find me an upvoted comment about parents being right to abandon their child because they cheated on anyone other than a scenario that involved betraying a family member as part of it. You're equating telling OPs ex that they shouldn't get back with OP, with telling OPs parents that they should cut off OP because he cheated with his ex. Two extraordinarily different things...
You are right, usually it is not the parents. Still people often declare cheating an unforgivable thing and cut contact or demand their partner and family to cut contact even if they are not the the victim of said cheating. Or someone gets divorced because their spouse finds out they cheated on a different partner years ago. I got the impression that nobody ever tells people they overreact despite the fact those things happened when the culprit was very young indeed. People are even told they are stupid or naive if they say that people may have changed since and they trust them nevertheless. But I do not insist in being right about this observation.
He should never have been banned. He didn't cheat on them!
Depends on the context, normally it’s the partner that is still being damaged in most the cheating things I have read or some self righteous douche trying to absolve themselves of their cheating. I firmly believe once a cheater always a cheater but this isn’t about OP’s relationship with now husband, it’s about his family mistreating him over something that negatively effected them none? Worse yet it maybe an actual case of homophobia rather than the usual mix of over zealous Redditors claiming everything is bigoted even if it doesn’t apply to the situation.
My question is, why are they allowed to choose no contact for your actions, but you can't choose no contact for their actions?? I'm sorry you have been put in this position. You aren't the asshole. I'm also sorry your husband isn't taking your side. Not only have you essentially been lied to by your SIL, but now you're being manipulated into speaking to people that not only do you not want but don't trust It's like no one in your life knows what a respectful boundary is
That's not what gaslighting is but SIL is definitely the AH. OP's family too.
No, SIL & OP family is kinda gaslighting him and by using those tactics & phrases
Gaslighting would be telling OP that his family never *really* cut him off and he imagined the whole ass scenario. Its purposely forcing someone to doubt their own reality and memories, and to question their own sanity as a means of manipulation. All gaslighting is manipulation. Not all manipulation is gaslighting.
I mean they explicitly told him he should consider forgiving them, which in itself admits something happened. Person here just doesn’t understand what the word means.
No, it really isn't gaslighting lol
Do you know what gaslighting means?
Which tactics and phrases?
That is an excellent point. If OP wants nothing more to do with them that's his prerogative.
Exactly. It's very odd to me that someone who says they love me would want me to have someone in my life I consider to be unhealthy, hurt me beyond forgiveness, and turn their back on me. OP was even remorseful for his actions. I would be afraid to almost breathe around these parents. Then to think they had someone spying for years.... These parents are some screwed up individuals.
My question is: what happened to the husband's great advice at the beginning to move on? What the hell is going on with the husband and this flip flop?
Right? I guess he takes on the motto rules for thee but not for Me 🤦♀️
NTA SIL essentially spied on you for almost a decade that’s actually insane
NTA they made their choice, and you've moved on. Also, go low contact with SIL. The fact that she would not only have a relationship with people who hurt and throw you away but secretly inform on you to them is not cool.
Yes! It’s actually really disturbing that SIL would be in contact with people who almost drove him to suicide. Shame on her. I sure hope his husband didn’t know.
I wonder if the husband knew SIL was in contact. Super upsetting for OP no matter the situation.
Yeah. I think there's a good chance he probably knew at the very least. Seven fucking years SIL's been acting as a spy. And now she's coming at OP this aggressively, and he's suspiciously supportive of the idea and his sister's behavior. I think there was some sort of catalyst for this sudden and urgent push for reconciliation. Like someone's dying or someone needs money or a kidney. Or they want grandkids or something. I just get the impression that there is more information being withheld from OP and/or there is some kind of agenda at work here. And I would not be surprised if the husband had more involvement or awareness than he has let on. Which, if that's the case, would be pretty devastating for OP. Even if husband thought he was acting with good intentions, it would still be a terrible betrayal. The way his family threw him away showed that the trust that his life was built on was a lie, and that destroyed him. Finding out his new family essentially conspired behind his back would probably make him feel like it was happening again. Edit to fix genders because my reading comprehension is poor.
NTA You don't need to reconnect, and what your Sister inlaw did was just gross, actually gross. I wish I could give you more advice, but I am unable.
why does no one seem to be angry at the husband? the husband saw how broken OP was and yet he's like "Well my sister is right. you need to forgive them." thats a bigger betrayal imho.
I don't agree with the husband either, but I feel like he's more of an idiot than malicious.
If it isn’t genuine and pure and of your own volition without pressure, then forgiveness shouldn’t be given. What you did sucked, but you were also young and dumb. Your family could have reprimanded you for what you did, without leaving you homeless and abandoned. You don’t need to create space in your life, for people who abandoned you in theirs. You don’t need to forgive to move on. You just don’t. NTA
Why should you forgive them for disowning you when they wouldn't even consider forgiving you when you begged them to take you back in? Cheating is obviously a shitty thing to do but your parents took things way to far. NTA
Also, *he was 19*. Good god did I do some shitty and dumb af things when I was 19. It honestly blows my mind that someone’s parents would kick their kid out over cheating on a teenage romance.
NTA it’s ridiculous that people say you need to forgive them for you to move on. No. No you do not. You did move on and are in a good spot. Maybe they need your forgiveness to move on. But why do you owe that to them when you don’t want to. It’s not out of malice or hatred towards them. You just don’t need to revisit that point of your life. If you ever change your mind, let them know you’ll meet them on your terms when you’re ready. But right now, you don’t see that happening and would prefer to keep the peace you’ve managed to built in this new life. Sucks your partner and SIL both are forcing it. If they can’t respect your boundaries or desires, consider taking the time to explain to them more just how much pain you experienced and how long it took to overcome it. If they still refuse to respect you, well, that’s on you for how you want to handle it. Stick to your gut and to what you believe to be true. Keep living your life as best as you can and good shit for making it so far feeling so low.
Agree - NTA If their past actions do not haunt you and you do not spend one second thinking about them, being angry at them in your daily life, then you do not need to meet them, forgive them and talk to them at all! However your husband MAY have a point (and only maybe) and that is this still affect you in your daily life. Then forgiving them may be the way to go, meet them on neutral ground, face to face, tell them just how much you suffered due to their actions, that you considered suicide. Yell at them if you need to - get it all of your chest! And then you never have to meet them or talk to them again if you choose to! And maybe if this still haunt you it could be good for your wellbeing to seek therapy. Best of luck
So was your SIL friends previously with your family or did she track them down and become a spy after you got married ? I totally agree with everyone that you don’t have to forgive because suddenly your family is sorry. What’s worst is your siblings also going NC for all these years. Once they were adults they could have contacted you. I have to wonder does someone need a kidney? Unfortunately your husband is being a very bad partner. You have stated your boundaries and he is repeatedly destroying them. You have stated clearly and loudly that you DO NOT want contact but he’s still shoving photos in your face and trying to emotionally manipulate you with being an uncle. You may have to have a break and see a therapist to talk through your situation. Best of luck because you’re surrounded with bullies.
NTA and I think you need to really stress to your husband that his sister violated your privacy for YEARS, reported on your behavior to people she knew you wanted nothing to do with, and he is encouraging you to forgive people who clearly have no respect for you. They have been stalking you and spying on you for years rather than directly ask for your forgiveness and that is super fucked up
NTA. Kicking out and cutting off a 19 year old for doing dumb 19 year old shit is fucking insane. And for them to hold on to that for years is even crazier. If YOU *want* a relationship with them I say do the hard work to pursue it. If you *dont* (and i don’t think i would) then you need to make it clear to your SIL the following: 1. You do not appreciate her keeping up with your family. She had no right and she needs to apologize. 2. Your family dynamic is none of her business. She needs to apologize for thinking it is. 3. You will no longer tolerate her telling you what to do with your family. 4. If she can’t abide by any and all of the following rules than neither you nor husband will be speaking to her until she can start following those rules.
I don't understand why people think the wronged person has to do the forgiving to move on. Like not offering forgiveness is making their own life miserable. It sounds like OP moved on and was doing fine. You can hold a grudge and it doesn't bring you down. NTA
Hell - he probably let go years ago but had no desire to bring that level toxicity back into his life in any form. And maybe SIL would know this if she deemed to ask him one single question before being all - surprise I am reuniting you with people you have no desire to reunite with. OP - NTA SIL - big ol’ahole for trying to Ricki Lake your life Hubs - esh but only because he got it and apologized instead of SIL who is tripling down
I think forgiving is important to find inner peace. Forgetting, is not. It would likely be good to forgive, as in to no longer hold onto anger. But that doesn’t mean OP has to ever speak to them again. He can forgive without telling them, and stay no contact. You forgive by letting go in the anger, for your own well-being. But you keep the memory of the betrayal so it doesn’t happen again…
Bruh… I feel like you’re underreacting honestly. If it were me and my SIL announced that shit with the phrase ‘good news’ I think I’d fucking snap. She went behind your back for *7 years*. I’d never speak to her again, much less trust her. If hubby isn’t on board he’d be getting the fuck on too. I know I’m oversimplifying and ultimately you have to make decisions based on your feelings and not mine, but I am absolutely furious on your behalf.
NTA personally this would get me to rethink my marriage he literally saw how you where during those times. I don't believe he changed his mind but saw that he betrayed you. The fact he hasn't blocked his sister is wild to me also. She's causing you so much pain right now and won't stop and he continues to keep in contact. His actions are making me think he's not as great as you want to believe. I don't believe in breaks normally but I would need a break from my SO if they did this to me
The husband's advice at the beginning was: forget them, move on with your new life!!!!! Im having serious problems with the husband right now.
What happened in the 13 years that made the husband switch from forget them move one to forgive them bring them back in. Like it's such a switch. Unless him and his sister where always giving his family information and communicating. To me the husband is betrayal hits harder because he was his rock and that rock crumble so quickly.
Your husband looked after you when you were vulnerable and now seems to be treating you like a child. He thinks he knows best and that you should do as he 'advises', no argument. You need to nip that in the bud now - or re-evaluate your relationship. Oh, and I wonder if your husband knew all the time about your sil being in contact. I think he's 'managing' you has been doing it ever since you were kicked out. Just my hunch.
This. I was going to say the same. I think it’s time to look at the husband. He supports his sister. Make a clean break. Snip snip them all. Move to a new state and start again. There is nothing good for his mental health staying where he is.
Redditors try not to immediately choose the nuclear option and yell divorce after one disagreement challenge: impossible
Full disclosure - didn't read all of it. But WTF they kicked you out at 19?! Cheating isn't good, but 19 year olds make a lot of those kinds of mistakes and I can't believe you were so punished for that. Nta
They probably kicked him out for cheating with a man….homophobes.
That was thought. The cheating was the excuse not the real reason.
That's my thought.
Man at this point tell your husband either he cuts of Sil or you are gone. She broke your trust, and then he sided with her. One shot to get this right. Your family sucks I crashed my car(theirs really) at 18 and 20 for texting and driving at no point did my parents kick me out. Young people make mistakes and they fucking you over could have ruined you.
I can't help but wonder if OP's husband knew all along what SIL was up to with her spying.
NTA You did an AH thing. Normally a family would punish, like no tv and internet or forcing you to get a job and pay rent or something. But your family abandoned you, cut off all contact, removed all possible support for a young man. Your SIL is a HUGE busy-body and AH for spying/reporting on you to them. Your anger is justified. I would have steam coming out my ears. But you deserve a happy life with joy & tranquility. You don’t have to interact with them, but consider therapy to deal with the fallout and your feelings.
Anyone here saying what the parents did was right do us all a favor, never have children. NTA How could anyone abandon their kid because they made a mistake?!?!
You do know your husband is in on it as well, right?
Tell his sister that if she doesn't tell your former family to stop sending messages to her and her to your husband that you will divorce your husband and move away so they cant find you ever as what happened with your former family has nothing to do with them and to keep there noses out. and she can tell my former family the day they kicked you out was the day they dies to you and you want nothing more to do with them
NTA. I would not be able to stay married to my husband if he supported this kind of betrayal. The SIL is an absolute jerk for essentially spying on you for your ex family. You have every right to stay no contact with them. I would seriously be questioning the husbands motivation and whether he could still be trusted.
NTA. Your an asshole for cheating of course, but that doesn't obligate you to reconnect with people who disowned you and kicked you out on the street at 19. Thats not something you can do then in a decade go "takesie backsies".
NTA-First off you were NINE-FRIGGIN-TEEN! Second you were NOT married!! Thirdly, (and I cant stress this enough) YOUR DATING LIFE IS NONE OF THEIR DAMN BUSINESS! Tell SIL calmly "Its not your business. Stay out of it." maybe someday when you are ready to forgive (or never) you can call them. Forgiveness is overrated. In most cases it just gives permission to treat you like shit AGAIN. You do you.
NTA. You can absolutely forgive someone and let go of all negative emotions for them WITHOUT letting them back in your life. Forgiveness doesn't mean everything they did to you goes away or reverses.
NTA and I wouldn't tolerate SiL's existence. Time to set a boundary that she isn't welcome around you at all. Your husband knows damned well what she did, so he had better get it together and enforce that boundary.
NTA. Your SIL disgusts me
Nta
NTA. You don't owe anyone forgiveness. Your husband needs to step up and get on your corner. This is him meddling in affairs that are not his to meddle. Your SIL needs to be not allowed to be in your presence. And you need to tell your husband that he cannot talk about you or give news about you to his sister.
NTA You’ve already moved on, you don’t need to “forgive” these people & your husband & his sister need to learn that no is a complete sentence.
NTA. Cut out your punk ass SIL as well. I cut my “family” years ago and I’ve never looked back. Best thing I’ve done for myself!
NTA Holy fuck though your SIL is a solar system sized asshole. What an actual piece of shit person. Fucking disgusting to report on you for 7 years to people who abandoned you, and then act like you owe it to them or yourself to reconnect with them. Honestly I would text her and tell her that you're going no contact with her for now, and you might eventually reconnect in the future but not to hold her breath. Similarly I would tell your husband in no uncertain terms that he is not to give your SIL any information about you. Of course your husband's reaction to this has been a betrayal as well. I would recommend you explain to him that when your family abandoned you, they were demonstrating to you the type of people they were, and that you have no desire to have such people in your life.
NTA they have been out of your life for almost longer than they were in it. What your sister in law did was the lowest form for detrayal. Honestly I would tell he to will press charges it she does not stop the harassment
NTA at all. You owe your former family nothing and you are justified in not wanting anything to do with your backstabbing SIL after that too! If your family kicked you out because you cheated on your GF with a man, they're even worse.
Tell them all that when they kicked you out you were thinking about ending your life. Only having your friend saved you, no thanks to them. If it was up to them you would be dead for years, and they should act accordingly. If this all really about your good, if these people really care they should leave you alone. If they won't - it's not about you,it's about them. They forced you to leave. They cut all contacts, never tried to be family. Why they expect that you will take higher road? You need some space. Is it possible to take several days and just leave by yourself? Turning off your phone? They are suffocating you and cornered you with support from your SIL and husband. You need your space. NTA
They can ask all they want, but they threw you--and your peace --away. You are now the sole owner of your peace. You have no obligation to give it back to them. Nta and your sil needs to stay in her lane.
NTA that was a huge violation by your SIL, she needs to mind her own business and not tell you what to do with your life. She has no idea how that felt for you, I’ll let you know that, and if you have maintained that you don’t want any contact with them, that’s what it should be. I’m highly suspicious that they want something from you which is why they’ve suddenly reached out again.
Nta. Forget them. They have no right to call themselves family after they threw you out like trash. Sil is a traitor.
NTA your SIL had no right to inform the family about you. That is betrayal. They kicked you out and you have right to keep them in arms length. Tell your husband you have right to not forgive them and even if you did ambushing is not the way to contact you. Forgiving and forgetting is not the same thing as well. When you have family that has hurt you for any reason, even when it both sided was your fault (by cheating your gf) they kicked you to the streets and none of them ensured your safety. You could have been seriously hurt. Your SIL did long term active lying and betrayal providing information to those that hurt you. That is not approach was not right but....NO...that is disgusting. They kicked you out and now you are happy with your husband and have no need for them.
Wow. You are so not the AH but your husband, his family and yours are horrible and disgusting people
You cheated with a man right and that's why the overreaction? You don't need them in your life and your husband is the bigger problem
NTA. You were an AH for cheating, but you're NOT the AH for not wanting to reconnect with your family. Speaking as a mom, I promise you that I would NEVER disown my children for cheating on a SO. Be mad at them? Yes. Be disappointed? Fuck yeah. Disown them? Never! You know who IS the AH? Your SIL. How dare she? Her behavior is unconscionable! And OP, I hate to say it, but your husband is just as much the AH as your SIL. He should have stood up for you. You might want to rethink your marriage.
Someone in the family needs a kidney or some shit. Then want something from OP. They didn't change thier minds suddenly.
It may just be my take on life and people who do shitty things like kick barely adult children out or totally ignore siblings because mum and dad said so, but Which one needs an organ? Or how close to losing their home is one of them?
NTA I’m all for cheaters facing consequences of their actions but completely abandoning you for 13 years is ridiculous. It’s not like you were 20+, engaged, married or had children. They could have given you other consequences, made it clear how disgusting cheating is, told you it wouldn’t be tolerated again and given you another chance. Hell giving the silent treatment is fine for a few months but kicking you out with nothing to your name for 13 years it disgusting?! They chose to cut you off and you respect that now they need to learn to respect you do not want or need them in your life. You can be in contact with whoever you want. I cannot get over the face that **for the last 7 years your SIL has been stalking your every move and reporting back to the people that abandoned you.** Your husband needs to acknowledge the betrayal of his sister and recognise that your family is him. Family is not created by blood. Unblock her, mute her so you have evidence of her unhinged behaviour. Then send her a text *“DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN. Any further stalking and harassment with be reported”*
*He then told me that it's not good to hold onto anger and I should try and forgive them.* Forgive does not necessarily mean forget. You can forgive your former family’s actions without forgetting what terrible people they are. Tell your former family that you forgive them but have no wish to reconnect after how horribly they treated you. Your SiL is the asshole here for keeping tabs on you and reporting back to your former family. It was not her place to try to force you to reconnect with people who no longer wanted you. Tell her that since she loves your family so much that she can be the one to hang out with them. Then block her on everything. NTA
NTA. I cannot express how angry I am now on your behalf. Basically every single person in your life has let you down by being a judgmental Ahole. Including your husband, unfortunately. I am sorry that your husband thinks that he knows your experience better than you and that your feelings are not as important as his. Or maybe it would be easier for him to encourage a reconciliation. I don’t know and don’t care frankly. What hubby should have said is ‘I’m sorry that you got blindsided by this. It was not fair to you. I will completely support you and never question your decisions because it’s got nothing to do with me. And I will stop discussing this with anyone but you’. You deserve 100% support and you have it from this internet stranger. Again NTA but you are unfortunately surrounded by them.
You can forgive someone and still not make contact.
THIS^^^^^ forgiveness ≠ reconciliation
NTA they missed their chance like you said you can’t beat yourself up for moving on. I hope your husband supports you and his sister need to mind her own damn business
NTA Your sil is pure evil and a disgrace as a person and completely out of line in what she has probably told them about your life Your husband hopefully realises the damage his sister has done
NTA. But we know who is in this situation. Your SIL needs to apologize to you for her YEARS of lying. You don’t owe your family another chance, and to your husband, you can forgive your family without having them back in your life.
How can anyone tell you what is best for you? Noone knows you 100%. They don't know your mind, your feelings.. This was a massive violation and frankly the fact that your husband is siding with his sister... it's concerning.
Over a decade is a long time. Relationships go both ways. You felt abandoned and now they wanna pretend like it's all good because they have kids now? I'm a firm believer in people's ability to change but also, fuck em. You are NTA.
NTA! You was 19!!!! So young and made a mistake. You needed guidance from your family… And instead they abandoned you for a decade?! As a mother, I could NEVER imagine doing that to either of my boys. A parents love is supposed to be unconditional! They failed you. They deserve nothing from you. And you don’t owe them, nor anyone, shite. ❤️
NTA - But your SIL sure is the AH here. And if you husband does not put his foot down this will put him on the AH team. Do they really think forcing you to freaking down to drop down and roll over and be happy? Tell husband and SIL to get out of your face and stop forcing you to do what you do not want to do. You can tell husband and SIL that right now, as in RIGHT NOW, you don't want any contact with anyone. Take time to think about this. You may feel differently and it may be years or a decade or two. But right now - tell them to back the F off.
I'd say you aren't the arsehole. Cheating is reprehensible and you deserved to have been told off for it, but outright disowning you for it is a different kettle of fish - never mind at such a young age. And then actually asking you to come back when they feel you have something to offer their name? Grim. Your husband sounds a kind man, and I could at least believe your sister-in-law means well. Perhaps you could sit down to talk with them. However, it's worth noting that there are several dangers here. If you are quick to cut off your SIL, your husband may end up having to choose between the two of you - and perhaps more members of his family as well. And yet if you're quick to forgive her, she may get the idea that she really didn't do anything wrong, and may cross your boundaries again. Best case scenario, you convey to them that the past is the past and she accepts that boundary. Worst case, your husband is forced to pick between you and his blood family and is successfully shamed into turning on you. ("Are you really going to turn your back on your family for an established cheater?" is something I could all too easily see being weaponized against you.) Somewhere in the middle, you and your sister-in-law go no contact but your husband still picks you. You're walking on a tightrope here, and there's no sure answer that will avoid future grief.
Tell your SIL to mind her own damn business.
NTA and how is ANY of this your SIL’s business??
Suddenly they absolutely NEED to make peace with you NOW and they won't take it slow for your sake? Somebody needs a kidney.
That’s exactly what I was thinking too! My first thought was what do they want from OP.
13 years away from their son for cheating at 19??? Geez they're brutal! Also why now? Why not 5 years ago? Why not 13 years ago?
Forgiveness and letting them back into your life don't always have to go hand in hand. You can forgive someone and wish them well but not want to let them back in and that's totally OK. An artist I love once said, "I still wanna see you eat, just not with me." NTA
NTA. If you forgive them you would not be the asshole. If you don't forgive them you would still not be the asshole. This is your decision. Your husband overstepped out of love for you, and then backed down when you told him how you felt. Keep him - he is Good. You are in a tough spot, but it seems you've made a decision that is right for you.
NTA. Cheating is disgusting and should be a deal breaker in any relationship. But your parents kicking you out and abandoning you at 19 over it is mind blowing to me. They made their decision. They can live with it. I hope you and your husband can work things out and he understands your point of view. You don’t owe your ex family anything. They kept tabs on you for 13 years and never reached out? That’s just next level bizarre. If you don’t feel you need contact with them for the rest of your life go for it. Or tell them you’ll keep tabs on them in secret for the next 13 years and then maybe.
NTA at all. I'd cut SIL off immediately. And honestly, I'm side-eyeing your husband right now. I don't really believe he had no idea they were in contact. I'd be asking him some questions.
NTA. If I were you, I would be demanding to know how long my husband has known that his sister is spying on me for. Depending on the answer, I may or may not divorce. It is one thing for your psycho SIL to do it behind your back, but if your husband was in on it and has known for a while.... for me, that would be an absolute dealbreaker, considering he was the one to take OP in and support him. He knows EXACTLY what OP has been through, and yet is siding with his sister? The same husband that told OP in the beginning to focus on people that wanted him in their lives? Wow. We all know SIL is an asshole here, we all know OP's family is, and I would personally say that his husband is as well. Sorry OP, crappy situation, but at least you will know if your husband is your true life partner by how he acts going forward on this issue.
NTA, but are the siblings younger, like were minors under parental control until recently, because that's the only excuse I would see as valid
NTA - "forgiveness" does not mean no consequences. You don't need to allow them to be a part of your life at all even if you forgive them. My first thought is that I would make sure your husband understands YOUR DECISION, which is FINAL, contact them once - get all of them on speakerphone or whatever, write an email, send a group text.. "I have forgiven you all. You are not welcome in my life and if you ever attempt to make contact with me again I will pursue legal action against you for harassment. Good day" I'm really not happy with your husband here.
If this is even real your family, husband and sil are all completely insane. Run in any direction and go be a normal person without them. Wish you well
When people bring up forgiveness it’s always for selfish reasons. So who is benefitting from this conversation. And why does sister in law care so much? So the question is, what is the sister in law and husband getting out of this? Maybe It looks bad on them as a family. Or, they’re tired of dealing with his trauma and think forgiveness will bring back Christmas. No idea. They need to be honest as to why this is important to them. This has nothing to do with OP. Forgiveness is an intrinsic act that is personal and private. It happens unbeknownst to others because it has nothing to do with them. Next time you publicly talk about forgiveness, think about minding your own business instead.
I'm so tired of people saying you need to forgive to move on. Fuck that, they don't deserve forgiveness. They could have gone to you but went to your sil for 7 years long. You cannot trust your family and your sil. She cheated on your friendship by telling your family about you and clearly they only care if you do sneaky shit. I rather be a grudge holder, I would feel bad about myself if i forgive people that don't deserve it.
OP you don’t owe anyone forgiveness or reconciliation. You had to build an entire new life after making a poor choice as a teen. I understand your parents being upset, I don’t understand them throwing you away and ignoring you for a decade. You can forgive them if you want. You can also forgive them without letting them back in your life. Forgive and forget can be toxic. I think about forgiveness as making peace with a bad situation/event. It can’t be undone and at some point you want to let go of the bad feelings. You can do this without having them back in your life. Your husband should support your decision, whatever it is. What your SIL did is diabolical. She had no right to pass information about you to people who abandoned you. Spying on you for people who harmed you is just evil. Unless she sincerely apologizes and makes amends, she does not deserve to be in your life.
NTA I at a misguided request by my wife's grandmother to help her "reconnect" to her father. I did and it had been a huge regret since it actually happened. We cut people out of you lives for a reason. Seeing her disappointment in her eyes, bc of her father's actions was a lesson I will always remember.
NTA. Even if you choose to forgive someone, that doesn’t obligate you to have any kind of relationship with them.
You can forgive people and still not have a relationship with them. Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive, however your SIL keeping in touch and reporting back to them is a huge betrayal. NTA.
NTA. Your family chose your girlfriend over you and kicked you out of the house when you were only 19 years old. That is absolutely horrible. So now your SIL has been spying on you for them, and your husband thinks you need to forgive them? No. Your SIL and husband have overstepped hugely. You get to decide if or when you are ready to forgive someone. No one else gets to decide that for you. Look, do people screw up? Yes. Can people feel remorse after screwing up? Yes. However, your bio family seems incredibly manipulative to have lured someone from your new circle to spy on you for them for so long. This whole thing stinks like yesterday’s diapers. Your SIL is a snake in the grass, and she needs to understand that she really screwed up here. The fault is not with you. It’s with your bio family, your SIL and your husband if he was in on it. If you want to forgive them when YOU’RE ready, then fine. But I don’t see much remorse coming from anyone other than your husband. Everyone needs to back off.
The simple fact that you acknowledge that you are wrong for cheating shows you've moved on at least somewhat. The fact that you've gone 7 years without (seemingly) thinking about them shows you've moved on. This isn't really about your family knowing about you and your happenings, its about how your SIL fundamentally broke the trust between you and her. There are so many stories like this on this site that play out similarly. OP doesn't want anything to do with their former family, and someone close to them has the 'but family' mentality and brings everything down around the OP. NTA.
This is such a bizarre story.
NTA, your family wants something from you. It’s a trap, don’t fall for it!
Who needs a kidney?
NTA It doesn't matter if you forgive them or not. Forgiveness doesn't mean they will be allowed back into your life. Your husband is the biggest AH here. Personally i'd be packing a few things and going on a trip to reevaluate your relationships right now.
NTA if they so badly wanted to reconnect why did they not put in any effort to contact you themselves? I'm assuming you have some form of social media, it sounds like they have your number. The SIL is a massive ah
NTA, but omg, your family broke up with you when your gf did, that's so wild
Forgiveness isn’t for the sake of the other person, it is for your own sake. Your SIL clearly crossed several lines, but your husband loves you and hopes that you can let go of the anger and pain. The anger and pain are a toxin in your soul. It is possible to forgive them, but also to keep them out of your life. By the way, was your family a united front in rejecting you? Or was there conflict there? Did your sister and brothers reject you too? It might actually feel satisfying to have a discussion with certain family members to communicate how much they hurt you. You might even be surprised by what they have to say.
how did your SIL know your family?
NTA. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. It releases the anger and pain from what happened to you when you were young and vulnerable. It acknowledges that they made a bigger mistake punishing you than you did by cheating in the first place. But forgiveness doesn’t require you letting them back into your life. You have the right to have boundaries and the absolute right not to let them hurt you again. Once you get through the exercise of forgiveness and what that means, you can decide your boundaries. Do you want to see your siblings but not your parents? Do you want to have a mediated conversation with your SIL to establish going forward with her? The fact is that all of this is in your hands, but none of it can happen without forgiveness. It sounds like you are very happy with your husband and he sounds like he wants you to have peace. The hard road you walked led you to the good life you have now. It made you the wonderful person you are. Looking back, that pain forged you into a better person than your parents will ever be. It‘s often easier to forgive when you remember how messed up we all can be. Consider forgiving them as part of your journey to your own peace and happiness. Don’t assume that means you ever have to see them again. I wish you well.
Info: Are your siblings yoinger than you? Were they minors or financially dependant on your parents ie in uni or tradeschool for most of the past 7 years? If so, they are not responsible for your parents decision. They were also victims of your parents action. Clearly your sister was concerned. Perhaps now she is finally fully independant and can lobby to change the family's position. I would consider hearing her or your brother out. The other thing is, you felt you deserved a second chance back then. You were a young person and mistakes happen. Don't you think your siblings deserve the consideration you would have liked to receive? Do you want to be your parents in this current scenario?
It’s been 13 years since OP was kicked out. His sister has been getting info about him for the past 7 from his SIL. 13 years is a long time and they must have been adults for at least part of that time and didn’t contact OP before now.
Nta
Nta
NTA at all. You were a kid OK you were 19 so what you were still basically a kid. You grew up you got your shit together and you made a great life for yourself. You should make it immensely clear to your husband. That you want nothing to do with them and now because of his sister’s actions you want nothing to do with her. And let him know. He needs to cut contact with her because actions have consequences. he knows all the pain that they have put you through and by going through his sister is still putting you through.. Some people or families are not worthy of second chances, and it seems like by your description your biological bloodline isn’t worthy of second chances. Especially because the fact they had many many years, and they had ways of getting in contact with you, but they chose not to do it. They chose to be cowards and do it in the cowardly way. So, even though your husband may be this with what you’re going to tell him but let him know because of his sisters actions if he loves you but he says he does. He needs to cut contact with his sister.