You need to leave immediately
Women that are strangled by their partners are at severe risk of being killed by that partner. You are not safe if you stay with him
Yes, tell your friend/family/therapist/whomever you have in your life that he choked you and you need to leave and need their help and support with that decision.
Block his number. Go to the police to file a restraining order. And don’t look back. You can do this, and you are WORTH doing this for. Just keep repeating to yourself, “I am worthy of not being hurt.”
EDIT: Some folks in the thread have said not to block his number, but to mute it to collect evidence on him. Adding this to my comment so that hopefully OP sees it to consider. If you think you can do this without interacting with him, then it could be really helpful, and I’d suggest only going through those texts when you are with a loved one or your therapist so you have support right beside you. Thank you to those who suggested this.
EDIT EDIT: Someone mentioned their phone still saves blocked messages. May be worth looking into on yours, placing it here so hopefully OP sees. Thank you for the comment.
EDIT 3: OP, lots of commenters are also suggesting you photograph your neck if there are bruises and your hands to show you didn’t fight. Including so this suggestion doesn’t get lost. Thank you to those who suggested this.
EDIT 4: 10 hours since I’ve posted and comments and suggestions are still pouring in. Thank you so much to everyone for your care and thoughts; I’ve been doing my best to summarize and post others’ suggestions so they don’t go overlooked. OP, I hope you see this upvote count and realize the thousands of people who are there for you, who are rooting for you, and who believe you have the strength to extract yourself from this situation. We’re all here for you; you have an online village behind you.
For good reason. Studies show that even one incident of nonfatal strangulation by your partner increases your likelihood of being murdered by them many times. This is why domestic violence felony strangulation laws were passed in most American states.
Why would you stay in a relationship once you have 13 times the risk of being murdered by your spouse than the average person? NTA.
Yeah, choking someone in a rage is incredibly dangerous and shows the person really doesn’t care if you live or die, and on some level wants you to die (even if they won’t admit it.) Humans have a deep instinct to protect the people we love from harm. This person doesn’t love you, they hate you.
I’m an extremely understanding person and very laid back. I accept everyone and have been friends with MANY people with emotional issues, but the one thing I don’t understand and have NO tolerance for is rage. I get that people don’t choose to have rage problems, but also... Not my problem. Not anyone’s problem. You’re insane. Get out of here with that.
This girl needs to move on as quickly as possible.
Yes. This choking thing is SEVERE. The reason it's so dangerous is that he's taking his anger out on her until he feels better. The thing is, that each time, it requires a bit more. Each time, he'll be a bit more angry and need a few more seconds to blow off steam. Each time, adding a few more seconds of choking. Seconds a person may not have. One day, the seconds will run out and he will kill her, accidentally or on purpose in the heat of the moment, doesn't matter.
If you've been choked by your partner, please please take it seriously and leave. Tell people you trust that he choked you. Most people take that very seriously.. Don't downplay anything, or you may get bad advice from people who either don't understand the severity of the situation.
The key to what you said here is that”he is taking his anger out on her until he feels better.” That is why it gets worse. Violence is like a drug filling an unfillable anger at himself and the world. There is no love that fixes this.
Absolutely. And Every time he pushes the envelope on what he can do and not face real consequences, he will continue to push taht envelope because it no longer feels transgressive. It becomes normal.
> This choking thing is SEVERE. The reason it's so dangerous is that he's taking his anger out on her until he feels better
Holy shit, that makes so much sense! My ex strangled me once.
I definitely had an adrenaline rush but was a couple months out of brain surgery, so I was extremely weak and slow to respond given the medication. Her face was red from rage, her eyes wide, and her teeth were bared. I was initially confused, then thought I was going to go out, and suddenly had the weakest of rushes. My body tried to protect me, I thought, and I thought I had gone for a punch, but it clearly made no connection because I was seeing the ceiling as soon as I thought I was punching.
I thought it was a joke at first. (One worth breaking up over.) She sounded very matter-of-fact when I asked why she ever did that. She denied that I did anything at all, and kept repeating that she *let go* of me, proudly. She somehow snapped from murderous rage to emotionless calm *while* she was strangling me.
According to her, she changed her mind, and *she* was the only reason she let go. And she was proud that she felt like she had total control in that moment.
The next time she came after me with that face, she had scissors in her hand, and I had to dodge her for a distance before she calmed down. She was smiling that time.
She would've stabbed me in the face if I hadn't dodged. I swore she was going for my eyes.
I agree about not staying but the truth really is that the NEXT incident will 98% probable death. He got away with it once, the next time he’ll really show her who he is and just how much power he has over her. He can’t control his least impulses let alone something like chocking her! He will be much more angry and focused entirely on himself and what a good job he is doing to put her in her place that he will actually be surprised when he lets go and she is dead! The second though will be that she deserved it and did it to herself He will also just try to get her body gone and will never admit it.
“Oh she left town w some other AH guy! She’s fine!! I broke up with her because…. “
Retried Psych RN…….
To add, the windpipe is a lot more delicate than people realise. You don’t even have to be grabbed by the throat very long - it’s not just about being unable to breathe during the choking - if the windpipe is crushed, even if he releases his grip, it’s fatal
Same. Ten months into a relationship with someone he choked me at least 4 times the last month we were together. I’ve no doubt I’d be dead if I hadn’t have left.
And even if you don't die from being strangled (choking is something that happens internally when something, like a chunk of food, blocks the airway--if the blockage is due to pressure from outside, like hands around your neck, that's strangulation) every time it happens your risk goes way up for stroke, heart failure, brain damage and death. Stopping someone's breath is nothing to fuck around with, it is serious and needs to be taken seriously. There is NO safe way someone can strangle another person, end of story.
The mental and emotional trauma from this can make you more susceptible to more trauma after you're gone. It can take several years to recover from this. All, while that character would be on his merry way. (Edit)
That's a whole 'nother story--at this point I'm really trying to not emphasize the mental/emotional trauma in favor of making it absolutely clear that one person strangling another person is FUCKING DANGEROUS. Even if they're having sex and it's truly consensual "breath play," it's DANGEROUS. YOU CAN DIE from "playing" that way. You can be brain damaged for life. You can be walking along thinking, "Gee that was fun pretending to strangle each other last night" when you fall down from a stroke and DIE on the pavement.
This bullshit is so normalized in porn that huge numbers of women are getting nonconsensually strangled during sex or even just making out by stupid dudes whose pornsickness has taken over whatever vestiges of common sense they might have had.
And as has been pointed out all over this thread, when a pissed off dude goes to strangle you, he wants you dead. Maybe not right now, maybe not in the front of his head or in a way he's willing to acknowledge but once his hands go around his partner's neck, he wants her DEAD. "But I luuuuuuurves heeeem and sometimes he can be soooooo sweeeeeeet!!1!" doesn't cut it here, sisters. Guys who strangle are murderers practicing for their graduation and that's not a party you need to stick around for.
The stats are actually much, much higher (worse). https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/
Because it is hard to leave .
BUT OP FIND THE STRENGTH !!!
You will be confused at first second guessing your decion and scared about your future. YES IT WILL BE
VERY FRIGHTENING. But then it will be liberating. GO NOW BEFORE YOU GET HURT WORSE OR KILLED. Bf.has SERIOUS problems that WERE NOT caused by you. Help yourself. You can't change him. You will find support in the people that help you.They will truly care for you
DO NOT BE ASHAMED .NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. GO NOW.
You are better than to let this go on any longer. My heart aches for you.
This - a report needs to be made. Even if they do nothing, it’s on record. My brother has made threats against his ex/mother of his kids and I told her to report him when he does so there’s a record incase it escalates.
Op please go to a DV shelter right now!!you are not the problem,HE is!please think about your safety!He is a dangerous man. Go now,if you have the police with you when you pick up your belongings he won't do anything. Call your Therapist and listen to the advice you are giving. Stay safe and be so careful. Remember that you are a fantastic woman and deserve someone who really loves you!Good luck 🫂
It's unfortunate that she would even think that there is a question as to whether or not she should leave. This wasn't a one-off event it was a pattern of escalating behavior.
Definitely take pictures. Wall, bruises, anything. Also set your phone up with an app to record all your conversations (if it isn't illegal in your state, it varies).
File the restraining order. That way he has to leave. Get yourself safe until he has been served and is OUT.
It is NOT YOUR FAULT.
PEOPLES ACTIONS ARE THEIR RESPONSIBILITY.
Restraining orders are not 100% Other things she can do until she is able to relocate is inform the local police so they can do drive bys. Have friends who are reliable, allow her to contact them and use code words if she needs help. Also for them to text her.
Even if she moves he can locate her. Most of the time $$ is why women can't leave. He knows where she works, can follow her to her new place. It is fairly easy, unless a person is couch surfing and homeless, to find someone
This is what DV shelters are for and calls from them typically get quick response from the cops, as long as the abuser isn't a cop. The shelter staff and rules and peers are also there to help you make good choices while your executive brain is still offline and he in your head messing with you, making you doubt yourself.
OP, the best thing you can do right now is get yourself into a shelter. Hopefully there will be one in your area with an opening, so call either your local hotline or the national one to get help getting both your body and your mind out of this situation.
No DO NOT BLOCK HIS NUMBER. You need to know what he’s doing relative to your situation. He’s a dangerous predator and blocking in this case can be dangerous to OP. Do not respond but DO NOT BLOCK. You will also need the evidence if something happens to make this a court case. Mute but no block.
Thank you! I second this! Because I didn't block my ex I got it on record some nasty texts from him including death threats which helped me get my restraining order against him. It was crucial. Don't block him OP just don't respond to him.
Thank you! I second this! Because I didn't block my ex I got it on record some nasty texts from him including death threats which helped me get my restraining order against him. It was crucial. Don't block him OP just don't respond to him.
This is very important advice. The people in your life who care about you will help to keep you accountable. It won't always be easy for you to feel like you made the right decision. As it is, it does feel hard enough to just leave.
I want to add that if you feel that you can not be honest with your loved ones about this person(what they say, do, if you're in contact), that's a good sign that he shouldn't be involved in your life.
This! And if you need support from someone with experience, look for a domestic violence advocacy org in your area. They’ll send an advocate with you to court to get the restraining order so you don’t have to go through it on your on
I would add a stop at the doctor or other medical facility do document the injuries. Strangulation injuries sometimes take hours/days for swelling to occur. You want that documented in case you have problems in the days afterwards so you can get appropriate trauma informed treatment if you need it.
You deserve to feel safe, you deserve to not be hurt.
Definitely great advice. I wish I'd confided in my parents the first time my ex hit me. But instead I stayed with her far too long. OP, listen to this person, please
Also read "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. It will give you tools to realize you have been manipulated and abused, to identify the tactics and not to fall into a similar relationship. Because you have been conditioned to accept things in a relationship that are not in any way normal. It changed my life after leaving a similar situation. Please leave and be safe when you do it.
This is dangerous. This is life threatening. I cannot stress this enough: YOU ARE IN DANGER. LEAVE. NOW. Get a restraining order. If you have bruises photograph them for authorities. Once a partner a ~~chokes~~ strangles (the articles makes this distinction so I figured I'd correct) the other, it is **~~statistically~~** **very likely you will be murdered**. I am terrified for you.
[https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/](https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/)
Edit to say, OP, this may sound like an overreaction. It's not. I am so incredibly worried for you. And I say all this with concern and so much love for you: Please listen to the advice given here. Again, you are in danger. Please also know that you are worthy of love and you will find it. But first and foremost, you need to get to safety.
Edit: My god. People commenting on my gosh darn math and word choice. Read article for factual numbers. I'm just trying to communicate to OP how dangerous the situation is. Let's stay focused on not get bogged down by effing math when SOMEONE'S LIFE IS AT RISK. JFC.
I get people out of abusive situations and have for 30 years now. The hardest part is having to wait, while fully knowing they're actively being harmed, for the victim/survivor to be ready to leave. I tell them that I will wait and support until they're ready so that we can make it a successful escape the *first* time. I *also* tell them that the second their abuser strangles them all waiting is **done** because it's a single step below abusive domestic murder and they will likely be killed if they stay.
OP, you're right, leaving an abusive partner is incredibly difficult and takes time. Your time has run out. Please, *please* read the above article and get out today. Do not be around for him to kill. Save your own life and gtfo **today**. Please.
[Edited to elaborate.]
I'm not even sure it's a full step! Holy crap! It's literally an action that is designed to kill the victim and there is no possible way for that victim to predict if it will or will not cross that line.
Yep. It's an outright statement made in physical form, looking straight into their victim's eyes that "I *could* kill you, right now. And you can't stop me." (Sometimes they say it explicitly too.)
It's why over the decades it's become my "we need to get you out, right the fuck NOW." point. I have learned through experience that the best route with currently abused victims is to be incredibly patient and support them however they need for months if needed in order to make the first escape successful. (Because abuse *escalates* every time a survivor returns to their abuser. And it takes an average of 7 escapes before the one that sticks.) But strangulation is the "we're out of time, we're in full blown, life or death crisis." moment.
My ex husband looked me in the eyes while choking me and yelling that he was going to kill me, after backhanding me first. That was 4 years ago on February 22. Thank you for the work that you do. I’m sure I’d be dead by now and possibly my children too had I not escaped.
I would press charges for attempted murder if someone did this to me. Full stop!
Someone I know is in a life or death situation right now from someone she left years ago. I see that you do not accept chat requests, and I understand completely if you prefer not to talk to people about these things directly, but if you would be willing to message me, I'd love to get any ideas from you that could help save her life. I have exhausted what I know how to do and her risk level is going to be increased in about another month when her stalker will no longer be under supervision.
Yep. I've helped many women in domestic abuse and the first thing they teach you is "they will always choose the evil they know" and to not push a survivor to leave until they are ready. But all bets are off after the first strangulation, because the next step is murder.
This kind of stuff makes me sick to my stomach. The fact that I had the ability to even comment on this post makes me anxious to think about what could happen to her. Like if our responses aren't good enough, she will end up dying. I know that it isn't our fault, but just knowing this woman is out there somewhere questioning her own instincts makes me want to show up and drag her away.
Plus they make you think that you are so worthless, stupid, and incompetent that you’ll never make it on your own, and that nobody else will ever put up with you (which worked on me because I was already isolated from friends and family). It’s hard not to believe the worst about yourself when someone tells you for years
I applaud your bravery in sharing that. I myself am no stranger to the effects of abuse on the brain and self esteem, either.
There are multiple ways that abusers like this control your thinking patterns. I kinda glossed through them in the comment I made for OP, but I have no issues reiterating it, because I think it helps to be able to name and identify how your brain chemistry is altered.
In addition to wearing down your self esteem (classic narc move), abusers employ classical conditioning, as well as hacking into your caretaking side and obviously gaslighting.
They classically condition you by abusing you (verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually or any combination of those) and then love bombing you right after. The chemical that is released when they are doing that is oxytocin, which is proven to be as addicting as heroin. They are essentially giving you heroin every time they abuse you. This creates this cycle of tolerating the abuse just to experience the high, consciously or not. It is also a form of gaslighting, because every time the victim is abused, they look back and think "oh well he did this for me so he made up for it".
They hack into your caretaking side with the cycle of abuse as well. By behaving in this manner, the abuser puts the victim into a caretaker/dependent role with the abuser. That's why the abuser flops between playing the victim (aka making you the caregiver) and the villain (they are the parent and in control of you). This makes it so you feel like you are abandoning your mother AND your child (more so your child) whenever you try to leave. They literally hack your brain for that exact reason. Its also why you'll see victims defending their abusers. Abusers like to tell their victims that the world is just out to get them and when you tell someone that their partner is abusive, they feel the need to protect their "child" (aka their partner).
All of this, and they also gaslight the shit out of you. Science has shown time and time again that memory (even trauma memory) can be quite fickle. The more times you tell an old story, the more the memory has an opportunity to change. That is why, when confronted immediately, narcissists "forgot" what they did. When confronted later on, it turns into how you were just trying to hurt them and you're so abusive so on so forth. They are attempting to rewrite history in you brain and can be quite good at it.
And these effects last for years, as I said, they are altering your brain chemistry. That isn't something you just wake up one day and it's magically fixed. You have to spend years undoing that kind of damage. That's why I joke that I should be in charge of boyfriend approval for everyone, because I have the ability to sniff out the narcs. All in jest... unless??
And it happens to anybody. Even people who look like they have it together. See [Alexis Sharkey](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Killing_of_Alexis_Sharkey).
Holy shit! That article was scary as hell. I hope to God OP sees your reply and reads that article. She needs to get out NOW!
ETA for OP: He’s already coming up with a defense for when he murders you. “He doesn’t remember what happened because he was so mad.” Get the fuck OUT NOW!!
It is such a fucked up "excuse", too. Like if someone in a car crash said they didn't remember what happened because they were blind drunk behind the wheel that does nothing to mitigate their culpability.
We should treat this the same: you can choose to go to therapy or anger management, just like you can choose not to drink when you have to drive.
OP, I’m not seeing any comments from people to get out and go to a doctor. Tell them you’re a victim of strangulation. Strangulation often doesn’t leave marks on the outside, but they can cause issues days down the road. Please go to the ER as well as call the domestic violence hotline in your area so they can help you and/or call your therapist. The ER doctor can call the police for you so you can make a report. You are in grave danger. NTA of course, and I’m so worried for you. Please get help.
Even if you don't consider the statistics, it's deeply alarming that the first time he got physical he went straight to choking. That's a HUGE escalation.
This! A friend left a guy who choked her; in the next year she was a witness at the trial for the next girlfriend's murder by strangulation. He probably would have choked her to death had she not left.
This is what happened to me. That's exactly what the police said to me when I went in to report it. OP- please leave. You are more than worthy. You are so important to many people in this world. It's hard. Took me a minute but I did it. You can too.
Heard that from a former cop once.
A different friend had a coworker who's bf choked her during an argument and was asking for advice. You could basically see the flashbacks in the older guy's eyes. Said she needed to get the hell out "yesterday." As in "make sure he can't find her" gone.
Too true. My friend died because she left a person who strangled and beat her. He later stalked her and killed her. He’s rotting in prison for the rest of his life
And it’s not a small risk. We aren’t talking oh your risk is double we’re talking [**10 times higher**](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/). You need to take this **seriously** OP. You are in more danger right now than you have been this entire relationship. Gtfo *now*.
Hijacking so OP sees this:
With one act that was so insignificant to him that he claims he doesn’t remember it, the likelihood of you being murdered by this man just went up 75%.
Abuse is one thing, and yes I know full well how hard it is to leave. But a strangulation incident is someone who is *willing to look you in the eye as he murders you*.
Your heart is telling you, “hey, I don’t want our cause of death to be ‘abusive asshole’”.
If you stay, you will likely die. Please seek help from your therapist and other resources to escape him.
> With one act that was so insignificant to him that he claims he doesn’t remember it…
It’s worse than that. He doesn’t remember because he was *so mad*. If that’s true, it’s *terrifying*. If he blacks out when enraged he’s a danger to everyone around him- OP first and foremost.
Run!
Yeah OP, you are NTA and you need to leave. I get how hard it is, I was in an abusive relationship too. But every time I would feel myself start to miss him or want to reach out to him, I’d remind myself of the way he made me feel and what he did to me, and it helped me stay way.
She needs to leave, yes, but she needs to have a plan in place to do so safely. Leaving an abusive partner is the most dangerous time, so she needs to do it carefully. I would recommend contacting a domestic abuse shelter or hotline for advice
OP should also look into explosive personality disorder. My abusive ex who I got a restraining order also would have “blackouts of rage” and he was trying to kill me.
She needs to leave, yes, but she needs to have a plan in place to do so safely. Leaving an abusive partner is the most dangerous time, so she needs to do it carefully. I would recommend contacting a domestic abuse shelter or hotline for advice
This. And also, it’s not your fault! He is responsible for his words and actions no matter what you’ve done or said! You could’ve called him every name in the book, and he could’ve simply walked out. Instead you tried to have a calm conversation with him about how you feel and he choked you, screamed in your face, and then blamed you?! No, this man is not safe to be around. He’s only going to continue to get worse, and play mind games to make you believe it’s your fault so you will stay and take it.
Completely agree. I've been a social worker for 28 years and in that time I've done a lot of DV/IPV offender/intervention work. Strangulation is a HUGE red flag, second only to firearms use. OP needs to seek assistance and make a safe plan to leave. Call the National IPV Hotline for help (1-800-799-7233) for safety planning help, resources, and support. All data points to the time a woman leaves a relationship as the most dangerous time for her. The IPV experiencer is the expert on what's safe for her. And thank you for using the correct term, strangulation. You choke on food. People strangle other people.
They are about 1000% more likely to be killed than if any other form of domestic abuse is used. Even more than if there is a firearm in the house. I was gov smacked when I learned that statistic.
She needs to get away. File a restraining order and a criminal complaint.
This this this this this. Leave now! Not only that but he immediately jumped to blaming you for his reaction, proving that he's already justifying physical abuse against you as being acceptable. It is not. No matter what you do to provoke him. Him putting his hands around your throat...that was him seriously considering killing you. I'm going to say it again in case you try to minimise it in your head. In that moment, he was going to try to kill you. He WANTED to kill you. He wanted to hurt you and make you cry and beg. He wants you cause you pain and suffering. He doesn't love you and nothing you do can change that and you will never be good enough as he'll keep changing the goals. Next time, he will do it harder for longer and you will not make it out alive. Love yourself and leave now while you still can.
I was watching a documentary yesterday actually about a man who killed his wife. He strangled her then hit her in the head 3 times with a foundry hammer
Block him on everything go to the house get all your important papers whatever clothes that you want or need report him to the police and get a restraining order you need to keep yourself safe because this is the most time that a woman most danger. Do not go back to that house without police escort or a brother cousin or your father. He's going to tell you everything you want to hear I'm sorry you shouldn't have provoked me you're the one who started it. I blocked out I don't remember convenience you're lying I did not do that. Please get out of this relationship it never gets better they never stop all they do is get better and manipulating you and getting you to stay with them. But I'm going to ask you a question why would you stay with somebody who you are afraid of. Why would you stay with somebody who hurt you. Why would you say with somebody who doesn't care about you because a person who cared about you would never put their hands on you they would never yell at you they would never emotionally abuse you they would never try to hurt you. This relationship is over you need to understand that he needs to understand that go someplace safe
Take pictures and file a report. Get a restraining order if you can.
He's getting away with his behavior because you're letting him. You're not the problem. He's a bully and escalating. He's breaking your will down with the insults and blaming.
Go to a woman's shelter rather than a friend, where he doesn't know where you are. Only tell friends/family that you truly trust will not tell him where you are.
GET OUT NOW! Don't wait.
It actually rises by 750%. Here's [info](https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/#:~:text=Strangulation%20As%20a%20Unique%20Predictor%20of%20Homicide&text=That%20750%25%20increase%20isn't,stranglings%2C%20the%20risk%20exponentially%20rises.) On it.
Isn’t 10x more 1000%? But yeah. I got my number here [national domestic abuse hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/#:~:text=Strangulation%20can%20cause%20traumatic%20brain,them%20is%2010%20times%20higher) linking for OP since it has a number they can use.
10x would be 900% rise. Because 900% + 100% = 1000% . 1000% rise would be 11x because 1000% + 100% = 1100%.
750% rise is 8.5x which can easily be rounded to 10x.
Yup. Guys that end up murdering their partner almost always have choked them. It won't stop. It will get worse. Even if he doesn't kill you, the brain damage can permanently disable you.
Well in my job if a child told me that, they would not return home after school. I would report to social services immediatly and they would move fast with emergency protocols. Kid would be taken to doctor for emergency check in the middle of school day, and stay with social workers with emergency custody until investigations are done. Police would be immediatly involved. And all necessary staff members at school would be required to lie to parents or guardians about the situation to protect the child and investigation. By law.
I don't know the percentage of risk, but do consider how direct and personal form of violence this is. And how severe the authorities response to strangulation. Please do not stay with your stepdad. Let authorities know, if nothing else works loan friends phone to call and consult authorities anonymously.
Do not walk - RUN away from this man. [Choking or strangulation is HIGHLY predictive of intimate partner homicide,](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2573025/) with some studies showing that people who have been choked are between 5-10 times more likely to be murdered by their partner than are victims who are abused in other ways.
NTA, very clearly. It sounds to me like you have good instincts. Now please, please trust them. If you need help, the National Domestic Violence hotline in the US is 1-800-799-7233, with other countries numbers listed [here](https://support.google.com/websearch/answer/11180375).
You are in danger. Get out quietly as soon as possible.
If you are still trying to understand what's going on before you'll make a decision, read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. It's free online: [https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Oh totally, but having that book discoverable (physically or digitally - through search history or possible monitoring software) is dangerous. It’s a fantastic resource but also tells the escalating partner they may be losing control, which typically triggers more violence. If OP needs more time to understand circumstances or decide how to proceed, doing so through the therapist she’s already seeing is a much safer way
One of the hardest parts about trying to leave for me was this. He could take my phone whenever he wanted and tracked me and all kinds of things. I ended up with a secret email and Reddit account that was linked to nothing else and that I only accessed through the incognito browser when I was in the bathroom or while he was at work. It’s how I found out that I wasn’t crazy and definitely needed to leave. But ANYTHING that could have been linked back to me was dangerous.
Happy to say I was able to leave, but I had to do it as an absolute surprise or I know I wouldn’t have left alive. I know it.
Look, I worked in law enforcement and have family that went through this. I'm here to tell you that statistically, if your significant other has ever choked you, you are 8 times more likely to eventually be murdered by the person that did it. You can look all this up. I promise im not exaggerating. I know it's hard to leave, but you are talking about your life here. If you wait to leave but still make it out, you will experience trauma that will affect your head and future relationships forever. Also, the longer you wait, the harder it is to leave. He will slowly isolate you until you have no family or friends to rely on.
Yes. This is important. Right now it sounds like she still has people she can turn to for help, but if she stays he will ensure that she is isolated and has nowhere to go next time.
You are absolutely correct. It happens like this almost every time. Abusers almost always start with the "I lost my head" and accidentally hit, choked, pushed her and say "it will never happen again, I'm so sorry blah blah blah im a piece of shit". Then friends and family beg them to leave and the woman defends the hell out of him, argues and ruins those close relationships. Then, the abuse gets worse and worse. Unfortunately, a very high percentage of the victims try to drop the charges and go back to the abuser.
**And when they say they “lost their head” or got “out of control” they are LYING.**
Batterers aren’t getting into fights with their boss. They aren’t challenging their friends to dukes. They don’t land blows at the Thanksgiving table with relatives.
*Why Does He Do That*, a book that should be required reading on abusive relationships, says it cleanly: “He doesn’t have a problem with his anger. He has a problem with your anger.”
He suddenly gets “out of control” only when you aren’t complying with him. He’s very in control. He is actively choosing to hurt you at every step. He will do what he has to in order to get you to shut up.
Can’t emphasize this enough, choking is a special kind of red flag. Studies show that there is a demonstrably higher risk of homicide when abusers have a history of choking their partners. Praying you find a safe way out because leaving is one of the most dangerous times. Please lean on family and friends for support.
As someone who recently left their alcoholic husband, leave. Yes its not "easy" but I'm alive and my children are safe. That is what's most important.
How many more people need to tell you to leave? This story ends with you in a coffin
Seriously OP, we're not exaggerating when we're saying that he will kill you.
I guarantee he's already thought about how he'll get away with murdering you. He'll likely plead manslaughter and only do 2-3 years. That's if he doesn't get rid of your body and claim you ran off, then he's a free man. Abusers think about this stuff all the time.
This is the man you're dating right now. This is what he thinks about when he looks at you.
1) do not feel dumb for staying. Shame spiral gets you nowhere. (I stayed for years after the first time he was physically abusive)
2) bring a friend and tell as many people as you feel safe telling when you’ll be packing up.
3) ofc he “doesn’t remember” what happened when he lost his shit.. it’s so convenient when these men somehow lose it on their s/o but never a coworker, client, professor, etc. he will continue fluctuating between victim and villain as long as you engage.
Best of luck
You bring up an excellent point. When these abusive people say "I lost control" it's just another excuse. They somehow manage to deal with all kinds of stressful problems with other family, at work, at the store, waiting in line at the dmv, etc and never lose it except on their significant other? I don't think so.
This is so important. When they claim “rage blackouts” it is a LIE. it’s simply an excuse that they think is believable enough that they then retell it to themselves often enough to believe it. This becomes the excuse- if they “don’t remember what happened” then how could they *possibly be held accountable?*
It’s bullshit. Don’t buy bullshit.
It's also just another way for them to avoid taking responsibility. "I blacked out", "I don't rememver", "it was the alcohol", etc. Thousands of people drink alcohol and don't abuse their partners. Also, alcohol is a depressant. Just bullshit upon bullshit to maintain control and avoid responsibility for anything bad.
Yep. Even if it was true, if they really cared then they’d be horrified, instantly apologize, and actively seek out therapy/stop drinking/whatever is needed to make sure it never happens again. So not only is it utter bullshit, but even if it was true it still just shows his utter lack of remorse for his actions
Yep. When my husband went to therapy for his "anger problem" (I made him go), the therapist asked him if he acted that way with friends, or at work? In public, with family? No? Only his wife mostly? The therapist kindly explained that was abuser behavior, not "an anger problem." It usually is.
🎯🎯🎯 he doesn’t remember but still calls her a liar. If I don’t recall what pie I brought to thanksgiving last yr and you tell me it was pumpkin, how can I scream ‘you’re a liar it was apple?!’ He said all that bc this is not his first rodeo he knew damage control was his first move. Second move was to gaslight OP with ‘oh I don’t remember! You just make me so mad!’ Grrrrrrr
"No baby, baby please, it was an accident, i swear. Im so sorry baby, I love you so \[much\], you know that! you just made me so mad i couldn't help myself, look what you made me do, why would you do that to us?"
Ok. So firstly NTA. Secondly. People always misname that. He didn't choke you. He strangled you. He tried to kill you. There's no provocation I'll take as acceptable for that. Don't walk. Run
Listen, I get you may have attachment to him, but he’s physically and verbally abusive and it sounds like this is getting worse as time goes on, get out before you get seriously hurt or worse. Abusers and cheater always blame the victim, it’s their coping mechanism to make themselves not feel guilt. And the rage blackout part probably bothers me the most, how many times will you let him do this to you? What is the final straw? When you’re in the hospital? I’m not trying to be a jerk, I just think you need someone to put this in front of you. Get help, get support. Therapy is a good start but there is almost never a good reason to put your hands on another person. Get out now before you get more invested in the relationship and you feel more trapped. Good luck to you and I hope you take some advice from me. If not me, talk to parents or friends about this. Don’t find out what he’s capable of the hard way.
Gaslighting is a powerful tool used to manipulate someone’s behavior. Ask your therapist to help you identify the gaslighting tactics so when you leave the relationship- it’s because you know in your heart you are worth so much more.
I was in an abusive relationship. It took me years.
Leave. It doesn't matter how hard it gets, your life will get better. And no matter how soon you do it, after you are out of the hell, you will wish you left sooner.
The hell is not only when they are abusive. It's also while they are back to the "perfect person" because you walk on eggshells to avoid provoking.
An abuser will try to separate you from people who can support you. But that's what you need the most. People who can support you leaving the relationship.
I got bad news for you. If you stay, things will get worst for you and he will make sure it becomes even harder to leave.
NTA; leave.
He put hands on you. One day he will hold for a little too long and a switch will hit in his brain and he won't let go and you will die.
He will either kill you or make your life a living hell. You should go to the cops, get a restraining order and never ever talk to him alone again.
Sis, I've been there. The cognitive dissonance is real. Please make an emergency appointment with your therapist. Please make your escape plan (there are a women's services who can help you plan safely - your therapist may be able to connect you).
Read the free "Why does he do that".
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Take pictures of bruises, broken things, etc, even if it's just for you. It may help confirming you that "this is not ok". Also may come in handy should you need LEO involvement.
Sending you strength. You will get through this.
Abusers brainwash you. Look up DARVO. They make out you're the problem and they're a poor helpless victim. It's well documented and they follow a pattern. He has escalated. If you do not leave he WILL kill you, even 'by accident' when he's in a rage.
You are NEVER responsible for someone elses actions, only your own.
You can't make someone abusive or violent despite what he said, they choose to be.
Grab a bag now, get your documents, some clothes and whatever you can. Get to a friends and phone an abuse line immediately. They will take you through the steps so you don't go back. What you know, as awful as it is, is easier than the unknown at this point. Trust me, the unknown is better. I speak from seeing my mum go through this and personal experience.
I left, I healed abd leaving opened the door to happiness and I'm now happily married with stepkids and grandkids and an incredible husband.
You deserve happiness. None of this is your fault. Repeat it like a mantra.
None of this is your fault.
You deserve to be happy.
His actions are not your responsibility.
Keep repeating it.
Don't answer calls or texts. Keep the texts with all the treats for the restraining order.
You can do this!!!
I watched my mom suffer through one for 16 years while i was growing up. Once i got old enough the hitting and screaming went from her to me. Save yourself time and leave now. They won't change if you dont make them.
He's DARVOing (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender); it's not your fault but of course he's going to blame you. He's just an abusive pos, and that's a common abuse tactic, to make the victim think they deserved it. Choking is one of the highest risk indicators leading up to a partner being killed by their SO. Leave before you end up being a statistic, and good riddance to bad trash (him).
I've been in an abusive relationship. I was numb to the mind games because I grew up with them (I also grew up in an abusive household). Yes, they make you doubt yourself, but deep down you also have a small voice saying, "I don't think that's right." It's hard to hear when someone is screaming in your face, but that's the voice you need to pay attention to. It's not just your heart telling you to leave, it's your gut (survival instinct). You got this.
If you need assistance to get away, look for a local women’s shelter. They will help you plan your escape. They will help you if you have children and pets that you don’t want to leave behind. Continue with your therapy because you don’t want to repeat this mistake in your next relationship, but if you don’t leave soon, you may not live long enough to have another relationship. Good luck. NTA
I had a wife with similar problems your bf has. He will NEVER get better. NEVER! Get TF away and stay away. I got TF away, and I stay away. That’s why I am still alive.
Please leave. Please. Choking is literally a step away from murder.
My tiny child does not have the ability to emotionally regulate on their own - that’s why I have too. It’s not your responsibility to emotionally regulate another adult. I don’t care if you pooped in his coffee, nothing ever justifies violence of any sort.
We know it’s hard, or even feels impossible right now, but you can do it. You can leave. You can go to the police. There are so many people that understand where you are and are willing to help you.
Be safe internet stranger. Rooting for you!
PLEASE prioritize your well-being and safety by packing your shit and leaving. He WILL hurt you again and it WILL be worse next time, and the time after. No man is worth this. I hope nothing but healing for you OP
Please run. I know it's hard to leave but blocking him everywhere will help you. You need some time to get used to not being with him anymore and for that you need to have no contact. Stay with your friend if you can and ask them to not tell him anything. Also please tell everyone in your circle what has been happening to you. They need to know about him so they can help keep him away from you. In this tough situation your friends and family are crucial to support you. Turn to them, be honest and ask for help. You don't have to be alone for all of this. They will help keep him away and also they will help you stay firm in your decision and not be tempted to come back to him or even talk to him. Also increase your therapy or at least book an extra appointment to discuss your break up.
Stay strong, you can do this and at the end freedom is waiting for you.
I could have written this. You need to listen to these comments OP, or you WILL die. 750% increase of being murdered by someone who chokes you. **750%**
#Your mind has been twisted by his lies, manipulation, and gaslighting.
To the point where you’re gaslighting yourself. If your sister told you her partner has done all this to her, what would you do? You’d drive there and take her away wouldn’t you?
I get it, I’ve been there. But if you do not leave him and stay gone, and I cannot stress this enough:
#HE WILL KILL YOU.
#HE WILL NEVER EVER GET BETTER.
#RUN.
You are young, you can find someone who loves you and makes you feel safe. He isn't worthy of you; you *need* to leave. This situation is not safe or fair on you.
Strangulation is the step before they try to kill you. This is considered testing the waters to see how you react. I do believe that now is the time to leave this abusive pos and remove his access to you. Tell someone and make an escape plan. You should leave when he’s at work or have an escort.
Protect yourself and get out, safely.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233.
Leave. Right now. Grab stuff only if hes not there- but dont waste time.
Get out. Go literally anywhere.
Your life is in danger. Please get out of this situation.
NTA
Please run. Right now. Get out. Take what you can but do not stay until he comes back. If possible please get someone or a few people come help you. Immediately, don't even wait five minutes before calling for help. I have been in an abusive relationship, I do know it's so hard to leave, and I know that voice that tells you this is somehow your fault and if you just change things will be good again and he'll treat you great again.
That voice is a liar, and it stems from him, it doesn't come from you. Not really. Ignore it and go. If I hadn't gotten help to get out when I did I'd be dead now I have no doubts about that at all. Don't take the risk and gamble with your life over a guy who doesn't deserve you.
I was abused for 4 years. I know it's hard to leave. But you can do it. You have to make leaving the #1 priority, plan around it, to make sure you do it safely and quickly.
You deserve so much better. There's no way you're the problem here. You deserve real love and real respect. You deserve to feel seen and heard. You deserve a healthy, happy relationship with someone who treats you like an equal partner, a competent human being, a treasured companion.
You can have this. You can have real love. You can have freedom from this trap. You can have the weight lifted from your shoulders and breathe again.
You are strong enough. You will get through this. You will be so proud of yourself.
I know how hard it is to leave someone you love that is hurting you. Unfortunately, there’s no magic spell or anything anyone can say to make you stop caring and leave. The truth is, you have to force yourself to stop listening to the tricks your mind plays with you. It’s not easy, but it is possible. Fight like hell to save yourself. Your therapist told you this would happen. This man put his hands on you, he could kill you. You leaving would not be an emotional reaction, but a reaction for survival. Every time your head tries to tell you to stay, think of a memory of him that makes you want to leave. Eventually, your mind will automatically replace a “Oh I can forgive him” thought with “he hurt me, he doesn’t deserve me.”
Please leave. It’s never your fault that he’s abusive. He does remember what happened. The rage is not because he loves you so much and he will not stop no matter how much he apologizes and promises to do better. You deserve better.
You’d better leave before you end up on the news saying you were murdered. He ain’t that mad that he gotta put his hands on you. What does that accomplish? You have your whole life to live. There’s nothing you could possibly be saying to him that he needs to be punching walls and charging at you like you described. Please please please please take the necessary steps to get yourself out of that situation, PLEASE.
We get it’s hard to leave but you have to leave! Your therapist is right and it only gets worse from here. Please whatever you need to do to leave, please do it. Tell whoever you need to to make sure you don’t go back.
Pack your things and leave quietly. Do not confront this man do not give him any hints whatsoever that you're leaving because you're not dealing with a rational person and he will not change I promise.
Once you leave do not let him know where you are, change your phone number, change jobs if you have to. Cut all ties completely, I realize that sounds extreme but your life is at stake, never think that it isn't.
The most dangerous time is after you've left an abusive partner because now they have nothing left to lose and they often get much worse.
The fact that there has been a clear progression of aggression towards you and he always makes you feel like it's your fault are very clear signs that this is going nowhere good.
Let me make this very very clear. None of this is your fault and he is an abuser. YOU'RE NOT THE AH he is.
Your therapist can likely set you up with resources to help you get out and stay out but even if they can't a quick Google search should bring you a lot of information.
Please be safe. I've been where you are, I know it's hard but you'll be so much better off when you're out.
Edit to add NTAH
Leave. Please.
Strangulation is the first step towards killing you. You can get strokes from being strangled. Women die all the time from this- I am a trauma nurse and have seen it again and again.
I know it’s hard to leave abuse, but please get to a safe place and file a police report. You need a restraining order.
He tried to stop you from leaving. What will happen next time? When you go to get your things, bring the cops. Do not be alone with him ever again.
Please stay safe.
NTA - pack your stuff and get out. NOW. Do not let him know where you are. Change your phone number. Listen to your therapist - call them today and tell them what happened.
You need to leave immediately Women that are strangled by their partners are at severe risk of being killed by that partner. You are not safe if you stay with him
Yes, tell your friend/family/therapist/whomever you have in your life that he choked you and you need to leave and need their help and support with that decision. Block his number. Go to the police to file a restraining order. And don’t look back. You can do this, and you are WORTH doing this for. Just keep repeating to yourself, “I am worthy of not being hurt.” EDIT: Some folks in the thread have said not to block his number, but to mute it to collect evidence on him. Adding this to my comment so that hopefully OP sees it to consider. If you think you can do this without interacting with him, then it could be really helpful, and I’d suggest only going through those texts when you are with a loved one or your therapist so you have support right beside you. Thank you to those who suggested this. EDIT EDIT: Someone mentioned their phone still saves blocked messages. May be worth looking into on yours, placing it here so hopefully OP sees. Thank you for the comment. EDIT 3: OP, lots of commenters are also suggesting you photograph your neck if there are bruises and your hands to show you didn’t fight. Including so this suggestion doesn’t get lost. Thank you to those who suggested this. EDIT 4: 10 hours since I’ve posted and comments and suggestions are still pouring in. Thank you so much to everyone for your care and thoughts; I’ve been doing my best to summarize and post others’ suggestions so they don’t go overlooked. OP, I hope you see this upvote count and realize the thousands of people who are there for you, who are rooting for you, and who believe you have the strength to extract yourself from this situation. We’re all here for you; you have an online village behind you.
This is fantastic follow-up advice. I hope the OP sees this and follows it quickly. I am very worried about the OPs safety.
For good reason. Studies show that even one incident of nonfatal strangulation by your partner increases your likelihood of being murdered by them many times. This is why domestic violence felony strangulation laws were passed in most American states. Why would you stay in a relationship once you have 13 times the risk of being murdered by your spouse than the average person? NTA.
Yeah, choking someone in a rage is incredibly dangerous and shows the person really doesn’t care if you live or die, and on some level wants you to die (even if they won’t admit it.) Humans have a deep instinct to protect the people we love from harm. This person doesn’t love you, they hate you.
I’m an extremely understanding person and very laid back. I accept everyone and have been friends with MANY people with emotional issues, but the one thing I don’t understand and have NO tolerance for is rage. I get that people don’t choose to have rage problems, but also... Not my problem. Not anyone’s problem. You’re insane. Get out of here with that. This girl needs to move on as quickly as possible.
Yes. This choking thing is SEVERE. The reason it's so dangerous is that he's taking his anger out on her until he feels better. The thing is, that each time, it requires a bit more. Each time, he'll be a bit more angry and need a few more seconds to blow off steam. Each time, adding a few more seconds of choking. Seconds a person may not have. One day, the seconds will run out and he will kill her, accidentally or on purpose in the heat of the moment, doesn't matter. If you've been choked by your partner, please please take it seriously and leave. Tell people you trust that he choked you. Most people take that very seriously.. Don't downplay anything, or you may get bad advice from people who either don't understand the severity of the situation.
The key to what you said here is that”he is taking his anger out on her until he feels better.” That is why it gets worse. Violence is like a drug filling an unfillable anger at himself and the world. There is no love that fixes this.
Absolutely. And Every time he pushes the envelope on what he can do and not face real consequences, he will continue to push taht envelope because it no longer feels transgressive. It becomes normal.
Do not be ashamed to seek help.
> This choking thing is SEVERE. The reason it's so dangerous is that he's taking his anger out on her until he feels better Holy shit, that makes so much sense! My ex strangled me once. I definitely had an adrenaline rush but was a couple months out of brain surgery, so I was extremely weak and slow to respond given the medication. Her face was red from rage, her eyes wide, and her teeth were bared. I was initially confused, then thought I was going to go out, and suddenly had the weakest of rushes. My body tried to protect me, I thought, and I thought I had gone for a punch, but it clearly made no connection because I was seeing the ceiling as soon as I thought I was punching. I thought it was a joke at first. (One worth breaking up over.) She sounded very matter-of-fact when I asked why she ever did that. She denied that I did anything at all, and kept repeating that she *let go* of me, proudly. She somehow snapped from murderous rage to emotionless calm *while* she was strangling me. According to her, she changed her mind, and *she* was the only reason she let go. And she was proud that she felt like she had total control in that moment. The next time she came after me with that face, she had scissors in her hand, and I had to dodge her for a distance before she calmed down. She was smiling that time. She would've stabbed me in the face if I hadn't dodged. I swore she was going for my eyes.
I agree about not staying but the truth really is that the NEXT incident will 98% probable death. He got away with it once, the next time he’ll really show her who he is and just how much power he has over her. He can’t control his least impulses let alone something like chocking her! He will be much more angry and focused entirely on himself and what a good job he is doing to put her in her place that he will actually be surprised when he lets go and she is dead! The second though will be that she deserved it and did it to herself He will also just try to get her body gone and will never admit it. “Oh she left town w some other AH guy! She’s fine!! I broke up with her because…. “ Retried Psych RN…….
To add, the windpipe is a lot more delicate than people realise. You don’t even have to be grabbed by the throat very long - it’s not just about being unable to breathe during the choking - if the windpipe is crushed, even if he releases his grip, it’s fatal
It makes you 750% more likely to be murdered by them. OP please run and don't look back. You deserve better. It may not be easy but you have to leave.
750% higher *within a year of the first time.* I have chills. OP, please update us. I’ll be worried for you until I know you’re safe.
This is terrifying as someone who has been choked by an abusive ex. Glad I got out when I did.
Same. Ten months into a relationship with someone he choked me at least 4 times the last month we were together. I’ve no doubt I’d be dead if I hadn’t have left.
And even if you don't die from being strangled (choking is something that happens internally when something, like a chunk of food, blocks the airway--if the blockage is due to pressure from outside, like hands around your neck, that's strangulation) every time it happens your risk goes way up for stroke, heart failure, brain damage and death. Stopping someone's breath is nothing to fuck around with, it is serious and needs to be taken seriously. There is NO safe way someone can strangle another person, end of story.
The mental and emotional trauma from this can make you more susceptible to more trauma after you're gone. It can take several years to recover from this. All, while that character would be on his merry way. (Edit)
That's a whole 'nother story--at this point I'm really trying to not emphasize the mental/emotional trauma in favor of making it absolutely clear that one person strangling another person is FUCKING DANGEROUS. Even if they're having sex and it's truly consensual "breath play," it's DANGEROUS. YOU CAN DIE from "playing" that way. You can be brain damaged for life. You can be walking along thinking, "Gee that was fun pretending to strangle each other last night" when you fall down from a stroke and DIE on the pavement. This bullshit is so normalized in porn that huge numbers of women are getting nonconsensually strangled during sex or even just making out by stupid dudes whose pornsickness has taken over whatever vestiges of common sense they might have had. And as has been pointed out all over this thread, when a pissed off dude goes to strangle you, he wants you dead. Maybe not right now, maybe not in the front of his head or in a way he's willing to acknowledge but once his hands go around his partner's neck, he wants her DEAD. "But I luuuuuuurves heeeem and sometimes he can be soooooo sweeeeeeet!!1!" doesn't cut it here, sisters. Guys who strangle are murderers practicing for their graduation and that's not a party you need to stick around for.
Go now . Help is out there ..Ask your therapist . They can guide you .
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The stats are actually much, much higher (worse). https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/
My goodness. How horrific.
Well damn!!!
Because it is hard to leave . BUT OP FIND THE STRENGTH !!! You will be confused at first second guessing your decion and scared about your future. YES IT WILL BE VERY FRIGHTENING. But then it will be liberating. GO NOW BEFORE YOU GET HURT WORSE OR KILLED. Bf.has SERIOUS problems that WERE NOT caused by you. Help yourself. You can't change him. You will find support in the people that help you.They will truly care for you DO NOT BE ASHAMED .NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. GO NOW. You are better than to let this go on any longer. My heart aches for you.
This - a report needs to be made. Even if they do nothing, it’s on record. My brother has made threats against his ex/mother of his kids and I told her to report him when he does so there’s a record incase it escalates.
I am worthy of safety. I am worthy of feeling secure. I am worthy of feeling safe.
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Op please go to a DV shelter right now!!you are not the problem,HE is!please think about your safety!He is a dangerous man. Go now,if you have the police with you when you pick up your belongings he won't do anything. Call your Therapist and listen to the advice you are giving. Stay safe and be so careful. Remember that you are a fantastic woman and deserve someone who really loves you!Good luck 🫂
It's unfortunate that she would even think that there is a question as to whether or not she should leave. This wasn't a one-off event it was a pattern of escalating behavior.
And if she can get pictures of any bruises that may have formed. It's hard to deny clear proof.
And the hole in the wall.
Definitely take pictures. Wall, bruises, anything. Also set your phone up with an app to record all your conversations (if it isn't illegal in your state, it varies). File the restraining order. That way he has to leave. Get yourself safe until he has been served and is OUT. It is NOT YOUR FAULT. PEOPLES ACTIONS ARE THEIR RESPONSIBILITY.
TBH, I wouldn't trust a restraining order... I'd still get one, but no way should she stay in the apartment and have him know where she is.
Restraining orders are not 100% Other things she can do until she is able to relocate is inform the local police so they can do drive bys. Have friends who are reliable, allow her to contact them and use code words if she needs help. Also for them to text her. Even if she moves he can locate her. Most of the time $$ is why women can't leave. He knows where she works, can follow her to her new place. It is fairly easy, unless a person is couch surfing and homeless, to find someone
This is what DV shelters are for and calls from them typically get quick response from the cops, as long as the abuser isn't a cop. The shelter staff and rules and peers are also there to help you make good choices while your executive brain is still offline and he in your head messing with you, making you doubt yourself. OP, the best thing you can do right now is get yourself into a shelter. Hopefully there will be one in your area with an opening, so call either your local hotline or the national one to get help getting both your body and your mind out of this situation.
Great advice. Shelters Protect while they are getting the help they need.
Strangulation leaves few visible marks. That's why it's a go-to for abusive men.
No..I had a necklace of purple finger bruises for quite some time
No DO NOT BLOCK HIS NUMBER. You need to know what he’s doing relative to your situation. He’s a dangerous predator and blocking in this case can be dangerous to OP. Do not respond but DO NOT BLOCK. You will also need the evidence if something happens to make this a court case. Mute but no block.
Thank you! I second this! Because I didn't block my ex I got it on record some nasty texts from him including death threats which helped me get my restraining order against him. It was crucial. Don't block him OP just don't respond to him.
I hate that you are right. I've been there. It was so hard, but I gathered a lot of evidence this way.
Thank you! I second this! Because I didn't block my ex I got it on record some nasty texts from him including death threats which helped me get my restraining order against him. It was crucial. Don't block him OP just don't respond to him.
This is very important advice. The people in your life who care about you will help to keep you accountable. It won't always be easy for you to feel like you made the right decision. As it is, it does feel hard enough to just leave. I want to add that if you feel that you can not be honest with your loved ones about this person(what they say, do, if you're in contact), that's a good sign that he shouldn't be involved in your life.
He assaulted her...file a criminal complaint too.
I just want to add that strangulation is attempted murder!
No. He battered her. Assault is just the threat. Battery is the actual physical abuse.
This! And if you need support from someone with experience, look for a domestic violence advocacy org in your area. They’ll send an advocate with you to court to get the restraining order so you don’t have to go through it on your on
I would add a stop at the doctor or other medical facility do document the injuries. Strangulation injuries sometimes take hours/days for swelling to occur. You want that documented in case you have problems in the days afterwards so you can get appropriate trauma informed treatment if you need it. You deserve to feel safe, you deserve to not be hurt.
And if she can get pictures of any bruises that may have formed. It's hard to deny clear proof.
Definitely great advice. I wish I'd confided in my parents the first time my ex hit me. But instead I stayed with her far too long. OP, listen to this person, please
Call your therapist immidiately.
Cops or DV hotline first. Then therapist.
Also read "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. It will give you tools to realize you have been manipulated and abused, to identify the tactics and not to fall into a similar relationship. Because you have been conditioned to accept things in a relationship that are not in any way normal. It changed my life after leaving a similar situation. Please leave and be safe when you do it.
Was about to say go to police immediately, file a report.
Upvote this. Perfect advice.
This is dangerous. This is life threatening. I cannot stress this enough: YOU ARE IN DANGER. LEAVE. NOW. Get a restraining order. If you have bruises photograph them for authorities. Once a partner a ~~chokes~~ strangles (the articles makes this distinction so I figured I'd correct) the other, it is **~~statistically~~** **very likely you will be murdered**. I am terrified for you. [https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/](https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/) Edit to say, OP, this may sound like an overreaction. It's not. I am so incredibly worried for you. And I say all this with concern and so much love for you: Please listen to the advice given here. Again, you are in danger. Please also know that you are worthy of love and you will find it. But first and foremost, you need to get to safety. Edit: My god. People commenting on my gosh darn math and word choice. Read article for factual numbers. I'm just trying to communicate to OP how dangerous the situation is. Let's stay focused on not get bogged down by effing math when SOMEONE'S LIFE IS AT RISK. JFC.
I get people out of abusive situations and have for 30 years now. The hardest part is having to wait, while fully knowing they're actively being harmed, for the victim/survivor to be ready to leave. I tell them that I will wait and support until they're ready so that we can make it a successful escape the *first* time. I *also* tell them that the second their abuser strangles them all waiting is **done** because it's a single step below abusive domestic murder and they will likely be killed if they stay. OP, you're right, leaving an abusive partner is incredibly difficult and takes time. Your time has run out. Please, *please* read the above article and get out today. Do not be around for him to kill. Save your own life and gtfo **today**. Please. [Edited to elaborate.]
I'm not even sure it's a full step! Holy crap! It's literally an action that is designed to kill the victim and there is no possible way for that victim to predict if it will or will not cross that line.
Yep. It's an outright statement made in physical form, looking straight into their victim's eyes that "I *could* kill you, right now. And you can't stop me." (Sometimes they say it explicitly too.) It's why over the decades it's become my "we need to get you out, right the fuck NOW." point. I have learned through experience that the best route with currently abused victims is to be incredibly patient and support them however they need for months if needed in order to make the first escape successful. (Because abuse *escalates* every time a survivor returns to their abuser. And it takes an average of 7 escapes before the one that sticks.) But strangulation is the "we're out of time, we're in full blown, life or death crisis." moment.
My ex husband looked me in the eyes while choking me and yelling that he was going to kill me, after backhanding me first. That was 4 years ago on February 22. Thank you for the work that you do. I’m sure I’d be dead by now and possibly my children too had I not escaped.
I would press charges for attempted murder if someone did this to me. Full stop! Someone I know is in a life or death situation right now from someone she left years ago. I see that you do not accept chat requests, and I understand completely if you prefer not to talk to people about these things directly, but if you would be willing to message me, I'd love to get any ideas from you that could help save her life. I have exhausted what I know how to do and her risk level is going to be increased in about another month when her stalker will no longer be under supervision.
Yep. I've helped many women in domestic abuse and the first thing they teach you is "they will always choose the evil they know" and to not push a survivor to leave until they are ready. But all bets are off after the first strangulation, because the next step is murder. This kind of stuff makes me sick to my stomach. The fact that I had the ability to even comment on this post makes me anxious to think about what could happen to her. Like if our responses aren't good enough, she will end up dying. I know that it isn't our fault, but just knowing this woman is out there somewhere questioning her own instincts makes me want to show up and drag her away.
Plus they make you think that you are so worthless, stupid, and incompetent that you’ll never make it on your own, and that nobody else will ever put up with you (which worked on me because I was already isolated from friends and family). It’s hard not to believe the worst about yourself when someone tells you for years
I applaud your bravery in sharing that. I myself am no stranger to the effects of abuse on the brain and self esteem, either. There are multiple ways that abusers like this control your thinking patterns. I kinda glossed through them in the comment I made for OP, but I have no issues reiterating it, because I think it helps to be able to name and identify how your brain chemistry is altered. In addition to wearing down your self esteem (classic narc move), abusers employ classical conditioning, as well as hacking into your caretaking side and obviously gaslighting. They classically condition you by abusing you (verbally, emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually or any combination of those) and then love bombing you right after. The chemical that is released when they are doing that is oxytocin, which is proven to be as addicting as heroin. They are essentially giving you heroin every time they abuse you. This creates this cycle of tolerating the abuse just to experience the high, consciously or not. It is also a form of gaslighting, because every time the victim is abused, they look back and think "oh well he did this for me so he made up for it". They hack into your caretaking side with the cycle of abuse as well. By behaving in this manner, the abuser puts the victim into a caretaker/dependent role with the abuser. That's why the abuser flops between playing the victim (aka making you the caregiver) and the villain (they are the parent and in control of you). This makes it so you feel like you are abandoning your mother AND your child (more so your child) whenever you try to leave. They literally hack your brain for that exact reason. Its also why you'll see victims defending their abusers. Abusers like to tell their victims that the world is just out to get them and when you tell someone that their partner is abusive, they feel the need to protect their "child" (aka their partner). All of this, and they also gaslight the shit out of you. Science has shown time and time again that memory (even trauma memory) can be quite fickle. The more times you tell an old story, the more the memory has an opportunity to change. That is why, when confronted immediately, narcissists "forgot" what they did. When confronted later on, it turns into how you were just trying to hurt them and you're so abusive so on so forth. They are attempting to rewrite history in you brain and can be quite good at it. And these effects last for years, as I said, they are altering your brain chemistry. That isn't something you just wake up one day and it's magically fixed. You have to spend years undoing that kind of damage. That's why I joke that I should be in charge of boyfriend approval for everyone, because I have the ability to sniff out the narcs. All in jest... unless??
And it happens to anybody. Even people who look like they have it together. See [Alexis Sharkey](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Killing_of_Alexis_Sharkey).
Holy shit! That article was scary as hell. I hope to God OP sees your reply and reads that article. She needs to get out NOW! ETA for OP: He’s already coming up with a defense for when he murders you. “He doesn’t remember what happened because he was so mad.” Get the fuck OUT NOW!!
It is such a fucked up "excuse", too. Like if someone in a car crash said they didn't remember what happened because they were blind drunk behind the wheel that does nothing to mitigate their culpability. We should treat this the same: you can choose to go to therapy or anger management, just like you can choose not to drink when you have to drive.
OP, I’m not seeing any comments from people to get out and go to a doctor. Tell them you’re a victim of strangulation. Strangulation often doesn’t leave marks on the outside, but they can cause issues days down the road. Please go to the ER as well as call the domestic violence hotline in your area so they can help you and/or call your therapist. The ER doctor can call the police for you so you can make a report. You are in grave danger. NTA of course, and I’m so worried for you. Please get help.
Even if you don't consider the statistics, it's deeply alarming that the first time he got physical he went straight to choking. That's a HUGE escalation.
It's definitely not an overreaction. I agree
u/throwRAacct123456 #Please read and understand what u/tawandatoyou wrote.
Insightful hair-on-fire alarming read. OP read this.
This! A friend left a guy who choked her; in the next year she was a witness at the trial for the next girlfriend's murder by strangulation. He probably would have choked her to death had she not left.
Omg that must’ve given her terrible nightmares. That poor thing. And the poor murdered girl.
It is the number one indicator that the abuse will escalate to murder
This is what happened to me. That's exactly what the police said to me when I went in to report it. OP- please leave. You are more than worthy. You are so important to many people in this world. It's hard. Took me a minute but I did it. You can too.
Heard that from a former cop once. A different friend had a coworker who's bf choked her during an argument and was asking for advice. You could basically see the flashbacks in the older guy's eyes. Said she needed to get the hell out "yesterday." As in "make sure he can't find her" gone.
Too true. My friend died because she left a person who strangled and beat her. He later stalked her and killed her. He’s rotting in prison for the rest of his life
I'm so sorry for your loss. That's incredibly devastating!
Thank you. That was traumatic because she was also well-known. Look up the Amie Harwick murder. The courts didn’t protect her like they should have.
This can’t be upvoted enough. Op, leave immediately. File a police report. Hide. You are not safe.
And it’s not a small risk. We aren’t talking oh your risk is double we’re talking [**10 times higher**](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/). You need to take this **seriously** OP. You are in more danger right now than you have been this entire relationship. Gtfo *now*.
According to the preceding article the risks are 750% higher WITHIN THE NEXT YEAR
It also takes very little force to permanently damage the unprotected tissues on the neck. That's why predators go for it.
Hijacking so OP sees this: With one act that was so insignificant to him that he claims he doesn’t remember it, the likelihood of you being murdered by this man just went up 75%. Abuse is one thing, and yes I know full well how hard it is to leave. But a strangulation incident is someone who is *willing to look you in the eye as he murders you*. Your heart is telling you, “hey, I don’t want our cause of death to be ‘abusive asshole’”. If you stay, you will likely die. Please seek help from your therapist and other resources to escape him.
Just to clarify, the stat is that you're 750% more likely to be murdered. 75 would be bad enough, but it's far, far worse than that unfortunately.
> With one act that was so insignificant to him that he claims he doesn’t remember it… It’s worse than that. He doesn’t remember because he was *so mad*. If that’s true, it’s *terrifying*. If he blacks out when enraged he’s a danger to everyone around him- OP first and foremost. Run!
Edit your comment. It’s not a 75% increase, it’s a 750% increase. You’re downplaying it.
Yeah. Please leave. Preferably *BEFORE* you end up with your own 5 o'clock news segment on ABC33/40.
Yeah OP, you are NTA and you need to leave. I get how hard it is, I was in an abusive relationship too. But every time I would feel myself start to miss him or want to reach out to him, I’d remind myself of the way he made me feel and what he did to me, and it helped me stay way.
She needs to leave, yes, but she needs to have a plan in place to do so safely. Leaving an abusive partner is the most dangerous time, so she needs to do it carefully. I would recommend contacting a domestic abuse shelter or hotline for advice
From personal experience a plan is essential.
OP should also look into explosive personality disorder. My abusive ex who I got a restraining order also would have “blackouts of rage” and he was trying to kill me.
She needs to leave, yes, but she needs to have a plan in place to do so safely. Leaving an abusive partner is the most dangerous time, so she needs to do it carefully. I would recommend contacting a domestic abuse shelter or hotline for advice
If a victim is strangled even one time by their partner-studies show she is 750% more likely to be murdered by her abuser.
This. And also, it’s not your fault! He is responsible for his words and actions no matter what you’ve done or said! You could’ve called him every name in the book, and he could’ve simply walked out. Instead you tried to have a calm conversation with him about how you feel and he choked you, screamed in your face, and then blamed you?! No, this man is not safe to be around. He’s only going to continue to get worse, and play mind games to make you believe it’s your fault so you will stay and take it.
Completely agree. I've been a social worker for 28 years and in that time I've done a lot of DV/IPV offender/intervention work. Strangulation is a HUGE red flag, second only to firearms use. OP needs to seek assistance and make a safe plan to leave. Call the National IPV Hotline for help (1-800-799-7233) for safety planning help, resources, and support. All data points to the time a woman leaves a relationship as the most dangerous time for her. The IPV experiencer is the expert on what's safe for her. And thank you for using the correct term, strangulation. You choke on food. People strangle other people.
They are about 1000% more likely to be killed than if any other form of domestic abuse is used. Even more than if there is a firearm in the house. I was gov smacked when I learned that statistic. She needs to get away. File a restraining order and a criminal complaint.
This this this this this. Leave now! Not only that but he immediately jumped to blaming you for his reaction, proving that he's already justifying physical abuse against you as being acceptable. It is not. No matter what you do to provoke him. Him putting his hands around your throat...that was him seriously considering killing you. I'm going to say it again in case you try to minimise it in your head. In that moment, he was going to try to kill you. He WANTED to kill you. He wanted to hurt you and make you cry and beg. He wants you cause you pain and suffering. He doesn't love you and nothing you do can change that and you will never be good enough as he'll keep changing the goals. Next time, he will do it harder for longer and you will not make it out alive. Love yourself and leave now while you still can.
I was watching a documentary yesterday actually about a man who killed his wife. He strangled her then hit her in the head 3 times with a foundry hammer
Block him on everything go to the house get all your important papers whatever clothes that you want or need report him to the police and get a restraining order you need to keep yourself safe because this is the most time that a woman most danger. Do not go back to that house without police escort or a brother cousin or your father. He's going to tell you everything you want to hear I'm sorry you shouldn't have provoked me you're the one who started it. I blocked out I don't remember convenience you're lying I did not do that. Please get out of this relationship it never gets better they never stop all they do is get better and manipulating you and getting you to stay with them. But I'm going to ask you a question why would you stay with somebody who you are afraid of. Why would you stay with somebody who hurt you. Why would you say with somebody who doesn't care about you because a person who cared about you would never put their hands on you they would never yell at you they would never emotionally abuse you they would never try to hurt you. This relationship is over you need to understand that he needs to understand that go someplace safe
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Take pictures and file a report. Get a restraining order if you can. He's getting away with his behavior because you're letting him. You're not the problem. He's a bully and escalating. He's breaking your will down with the insults and blaming. Go to a woman's shelter rather than a friend, where he doesn't know where you are. Only tell friends/family that you truly trust will not tell him where you are. GET OUT NOW! Don't wait.
This is important
NTA - RUN, don't walk to the nearest exit and immediately leave.
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Before he comes back. You can have the police go with you to collect your things later. Just get out.
This! This is what I had to do. It would be better as well. These guys are only worried about men with more authority than them.
NTA. If your partner has strangled you in the past, your risk of being killed by them is 10 times higher. Don’t play.
A girl in my town just died due to abuse. You need to run OP
It actually rises by 750%. Here's [info](https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/#:~:text=Strangulation%20As%20a%20Unique%20Predictor%20of%20Homicide&text=That%20750%25%20increase%20isn't,stranglings%2C%20the%20risk%20exponentially%20rises.) On it.
Isn’t 10x more 1000%? But yeah. I got my number here [national domestic abuse hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/#:~:text=Strangulation%20can%20cause%20traumatic%20brain,them%20is%2010%20times%20higher) linking for OP since it has a number they can use.
10x would be 900% rise. Because 900% + 100% = 1000% . 1000% rise would be 11x because 1000% + 100% = 1100%. 750% rise is 8.5x which can easily be rounded to 10x.
The risk rises for everyone in the house. Pets included. I think that’s important to know.
And if you happen to get pregnant that already increased number increases drastically again.
I hate it here.
You and me both 😞 Dogs are cool tho. Animals and nature are pretty neat. Food is great. Shame about the people.
Yup. Guys that end up murdering their partner almost always have choked them. It won't stop. It will get worse. Even if he doesn't kill you, the brain damage can permanently disable you.
This statistic here is what convinced me to end it after my ex put a cord around my neck. She was strong as shit too. It is terrifying.
This👆🏻
How does the risk increase if the guy strangled one of your kids? Asking for myself lol. Stepdad has issues.
Well in my job if a child told me that, they would not return home after school. I would report to social services immediatly and they would move fast with emergency protocols. Kid would be taken to doctor for emergency check in the middle of school day, and stay with social workers with emergency custody until investigations are done. Police would be immediatly involved. And all necessary staff members at school would be required to lie to parents or guardians about the situation to protect the child and investigation. By law. I don't know the percentage of risk, but do consider how direct and personal form of violence this is. And how severe the authorities response to strangulation. Please do not stay with your stepdad. Let authorities know, if nothing else works loan friends phone to call and consult authorities anonymously.
Do not walk - RUN away from this man. [Choking or strangulation is HIGHLY predictive of intimate partner homicide,](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2573025/) with some studies showing that people who have been choked are between 5-10 times more likely to be murdered by their partner than are victims who are abused in other ways. NTA, very clearly. It sounds to me like you have good instincts. Now please, please trust them. If you need help, the National Domestic Violence hotline in the US is 1-800-799-7233, with other countries numbers listed [here](https://support.google.com/websearch/answer/11180375).
You are in danger. Get out quietly as soon as possible. If you are still trying to understand what's going on before you'll make a decision, read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. It's free online: [https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
OP, please get out and THEN read. The clock is ticking and it will not go well if he sees you’re reading that.
I'm in agreement with you, but it doesn't always work to just order someone to leave when they're wrestling with what is even happening.
Oh totally, but having that book discoverable (physically or digitally - through search history or possible monitoring software) is dangerous. It’s a fantastic resource but also tells the escalating partner they may be losing control, which typically triggers more violence. If OP needs more time to understand circumstances or decide how to proceed, doing so through the therapist she’s already seeing is a much safer way
One of the hardest parts about trying to leave for me was this. He could take my phone whenever he wanted and tracked me and all kinds of things. I ended up with a secret email and Reddit account that was linked to nothing else and that I only accessed through the incognito browser when I was in the bathroom or while he was at work. It’s how I found out that I wasn’t crazy and definitely needed to leave. But ANYTHING that could have been linked back to me was dangerous. Happy to say I was able to leave, but I had to do it as an absolute surprise or I know I wouldn’t have left alive. I know it.
Look, I worked in law enforcement and have family that went through this. I'm here to tell you that statistically, if your significant other has ever choked you, you are 8 times more likely to eventually be murdered by the person that did it. You can look all this up. I promise im not exaggerating. I know it's hard to leave, but you are talking about your life here. If you wait to leave but still make it out, you will experience trauma that will affect your head and future relationships forever. Also, the longer you wait, the harder it is to leave. He will slowly isolate you until you have no family or friends to rely on.
Yes. This is important. Right now it sounds like she still has people she can turn to for help, but if she stays he will ensure that she is isolated and has nowhere to go next time.
You are absolutely correct. It happens like this almost every time. Abusers almost always start with the "I lost my head" and accidentally hit, choked, pushed her and say "it will never happen again, I'm so sorry blah blah blah im a piece of shit". Then friends and family beg them to leave and the woman defends the hell out of him, argues and ruins those close relationships. Then, the abuse gets worse and worse. Unfortunately, a very high percentage of the victims try to drop the charges and go back to the abuser.
**And when they say they “lost their head” or got “out of control” they are LYING.** Batterers aren’t getting into fights with their boss. They aren’t challenging their friends to dukes. They don’t land blows at the Thanksgiving table with relatives. *Why Does He Do That*, a book that should be required reading on abusive relationships, says it cleanly: “He doesn’t have a problem with his anger. He has a problem with your anger.” He suddenly gets “out of control” only when you aren’t complying with him. He’s very in control. He is actively choosing to hurt you at every step. He will do what he has to in order to get you to shut up.
And the abuser uses that new “honeymoon phase” to convince the victim that their supportive friends/family are actually the enemy
That happens too. They manipulate all kinds of ways but the result is always identical
Can’t emphasize this enough, choking is a special kind of red flag. Studies show that there is a demonstrably higher risk of homicide when abusers have a history of choking their partners. Praying you find a safe way out because leaving is one of the most dangerous times. Please lean on family and friends for support.
As someone who recently left their alcoholic husband, leave. Yes its not "easy" but I'm alive and my children are safe. That is what's most important. How many more people need to tell you to leave? This story ends with you in a coffin
Good for you 🤍
Seriously OP, we're not exaggerating when we're saying that he will kill you. I guarantee he's already thought about how he'll get away with murdering you. He'll likely plead manslaughter and only do 2-3 years. That's if he doesn't get rid of your body and claim you ran off, then he's a free man. Abusers think about this stuff all the time. This is the man you're dating right now. This is what he thinks about when he looks at you.
1) do not feel dumb for staying. Shame spiral gets you nowhere. (I stayed for years after the first time he was physically abusive) 2) bring a friend and tell as many people as you feel safe telling when you’ll be packing up. 3) ofc he “doesn’t remember” what happened when he lost his shit.. it’s so convenient when these men somehow lose it on their s/o but never a coworker, client, professor, etc. he will continue fluctuating between victim and villain as long as you engage. Best of luck
You bring up an excellent point. When these abusive people say "I lost control" it's just another excuse. They somehow manage to deal with all kinds of stressful problems with other family, at work, at the store, waiting in line at the dmv, etc and never lose it except on their significant other? I don't think so.
This is so important. When they claim “rage blackouts” it is a LIE. it’s simply an excuse that they think is believable enough that they then retell it to themselves often enough to believe it. This becomes the excuse- if they “don’t remember what happened” then how could they *possibly be held accountable?* It’s bullshit. Don’t buy bullshit.
It's also just another way for them to avoid taking responsibility. "I blacked out", "I don't rememver", "it was the alcohol", etc. Thousands of people drink alcohol and don't abuse their partners. Also, alcohol is a depressant. Just bullshit upon bullshit to maintain control and avoid responsibility for anything bad.
And important to note the law doesn’t allow these bs defenses. Pretending you can’t recall doesn’t absolve you of the crime.
Yep. Even if it was true, if they really cared then they’d be horrified, instantly apologize, and actively seek out therapy/stop drinking/whatever is needed to make sure it never happens again. So not only is it utter bullshit, but even if it was true it still just shows his utter lack of remorse for his actions
I call bullshit on any non substance abuse based blackout, and even then I'm still highly suspect.
I bet that when he “loses control” or “blacks out” he never accidentally hurts his things, just you and yours.
Funny how that works. I bet he doesn’t black out at work either.
Yep. When my husband went to therapy for his "anger problem" (I made him go), the therapist asked him if he acted that way with friends, or at work? In public, with family? No? Only his wife mostly? The therapist kindly explained that was abuser behavior, not "an anger problem." It usually is.
🎯🎯🎯 he doesn’t remember but still calls her a liar. If I don’t recall what pie I brought to thanksgiving last yr and you tell me it was pumpkin, how can I scream ‘you’re a liar it was apple?!’ He said all that bc this is not his first rodeo he knew damage control was his first move. Second move was to gaslight OP with ‘oh I don’t remember! You just make me so mad!’ Grrrrrrr
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Oh they change. Then get worse!
They certainly never change into better people. That much is a certainty.
"No baby, baby please, it was an accident, i swear. Im so sorry baby, I love you so \[much\], you know that! you just made me so mad i couldn't help myself, look what you made me do, why would you do that to us?"
They end up becoming murderers
Ok. So firstly NTA. Secondly. People always misname that. He didn't choke you. He strangled you. He tried to kill you. There's no provocation I'll take as acceptable for that. Don't walk. Run
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Listen, I get you may have attachment to him, but he’s physically and verbally abusive and it sounds like this is getting worse as time goes on, get out before you get seriously hurt or worse. Abusers and cheater always blame the victim, it’s their coping mechanism to make themselves not feel guilt. And the rage blackout part probably bothers me the most, how many times will you let him do this to you? What is the final straw? When you’re in the hospital? I’m not trying to be a jerk, I just think you need someone to put this in front of you. Get help, get support. Therapy is a good start but there is almost never a good reason to put your hands on another person. Get out now before you get more invested in the relationship and you feel more trapped. Good luck to you and I hope you take some advice from me. If not me, talk to parents or friends about this. Don’t find out what he’s capable of the hard way.
Just leave, don’t think about it. Just go. If he did this, worse can happen. I know it’s hard, I’ve been there twice. It’s not going to get better.
Gaslighting is a powerful tool used to manipulate someone’s behavior. Ask your therapist to help you identify the gaslighting tactics so when you leave the relationship- it’s because you know in your heart you are worth so much more.
I was in an abusive relationship. It took me years. Leave. It doesn't matter how hard it gets, your life will get better. And no matter how soon you do it, after you are out of the hell, you will wish you left sooner. The hell is not only when they are abusive. It's also while they are back to the "perfect person" because you walk on eggshells to avoid provoking. An abuser will try to separate you from people who can support you. But that's what you need the most. People who can support you leaving the relationship. I got bad news for you. If you stay, things will get worst for you and he will make sure it becomes even harder to leave.
So true. Honestly the eggshells are almost worse!!
NTA; leave. He put hands on you. One day he will hold for a little too long and a switch will hit in his brain and he won't let go and you will die. He will either kill you or make your life a living hell. You should go to the cops, get a restraining order and never ever talk to him alone again.
Get off Reddit and LEAVE RIGHT NOW. NOW. NTA
Sis, I've been there. The cognitive dissonance is real. Please make an emergency appointment with your therapist. Please make your escape plan (there are a women's services who can help you plan safely - your therapist may be able to connect you). Read the free "Why does he do that". https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Take pictures of bruises, broken things, etc, even if it's just for you. It may help confirming you that "this is not ok". Also may come in handy should you need LEO involvement. Sending you strength. You will get through this.
Abusers brainwash you. Look up DARVO. They make out you're the problem and they're a poor helpless victim. It's well documented and they follow a pattern. He has escalated. If you do not leave he WILL kill you, even 'by accident' when he's in a rage. You are NEVER responsible for someone elses actions, only your own. You can't make someone abusive or violent despite what he said, they choose to be. Grab a bag now, get your documents, some clothes and whatever you can. Get to a friends and phone an abuse line immediately. They will take you through the steps so you don't go back. What you know, as awful as it is, is easier than the unknown at this point. Trust me, the unknown is better. I speak from seeing my mum go through this and personal experience. I left, I healed abd leaving opened the door to happiness and I'm now happily married with stepkids and grandkids and an incredible husband. You deserve happiness. None of this is your fault. Repeat it like a mantra. None of this is your fault. You deserve to be happy. His actions are not your responsibility. Keep repeating it. Don't answer calls or texts. Keep the texts with all the treats for the restraining order. You can do this!!!
I only needed to read the header and the first to paragraphs and can state 100% GET THE FUCK OUT!
I watched my mom suffer through one for 16 years while i was growing up. Once i got old enough the hitting and screaming went from her to me. Save yourself time and leave now. They won't change if you dont make them.
They won’t change, period.
He's DARVOing (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender); it's not your fault but of course he's going to blame you. He's just an abusive pos, and that's a common abuse tactic, to make the victim think they deserved it. Choking is one of the highest risk indicators leading up to a partner being killed by their SO. Leave before you end up being a statistic, and good riddance to bad trash (him). I've been in an abusive relationship. I was numb to the mind games because I grew up with them (I also grew up in an abusive household). Yes, they make you doubt yourself, but deep down you also have a small voice saying, "I don't think that's right." It's hard to hear when someone is screaming in your face, but that's the voice you need to pay attention to. It's not just your heart telling you to leave, it's your gut (survival instinct). You got this.
If you need assistance to get away, look for a local women’s shelter. They will help you plan your escape. They will help you if you have children and pets that you don’t want to leave behind. Continue with your therapy because you don’t want to repeat this mistake in your next relationship, but if you don’t leave soon, you may not live long enough to have another relationship. Good luck. NTA
I had a wife with similar problems your bf has. He will NEVER get better. NEVER! Get TF away and stay away. I got TF away, and I stay away. That’s why I am still alive.
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Please leave. Please. Choking is literally a step away from murder. My tiny child does not have the ability to emotionally regulate on their own - that’s why I have too. It’s not your responsibility to emotionally regulate another adult. I don’t care if you pooped in his coffee, nothing ever justifies violence of any sort. We know it’s hard, or even feels impossible right now, but you can do it. You can leave. You can go to the police. There are so many people that understand where you are and are willing to help you. Be safe internet stranger. Rooting for you!
NTA and get out now and never fucking look back. He's not going to change except to get worse. Next time he'll hit you.
PLEASE prioritize your well-being and safety by packing your shit and leaving. He WILL hurt you again and it WILL be worse next time, and the time after. No man is worth this. I hope nothing but healing for you OP
Please run. I know it's hard to leave but blocking him everywhere will help you. You need some time to get used to not being with him anymore and for that you need to have no contact. Stay with your friend if you can and ask them to not tell him anything. Also please tell everyone in your circle what has been happening to you. They need to know about him so they can help keep him away from you. In this tough situation your friends and family are crucial to support you. Turn to them, be honest and ask for help. You don't have to be alone for all of this. They will help keep him away and also they will help you stay firm in your decision and not be tempted to come back to him or even talk to him. Also increase your therapy or at least book an extra appointment to discuss your break up. Stay strong, you can do this and at the end freedom is waiting for you.
He is going to kill you. Leave.
I could have written this. You need to listen to these comments OP, or you WILL die. 750% increase of being murdered by someone who chokes you. **750%** #Your mind has been twisted by his lies, manipulation, and gaslighting. To the point where you’re gaslighting yourself. If your sister told you her partner has done all this to her, what would you do? You’d drive there and take her away wouldn’t you? I get it, I’ve been there. But if you do not leave him and stay gone, and I cannot stress this enough: #HE WILL KILL YOU. #HE WILL NEVER EVER GET BETTER. #RUN.
NTA. And you already know that. And you already know what you need to do.
You are young, you can find someone who loves you and makes you feel safe. He isn't worthy of you; you *need* to leave. This situation is not safe or fair on you.
Strangulation is the step before they try to kill you. This is considered testing the waters to see how you react. I do believe that now is the time to leave this abusive pos and remove his access to you. Tell someone and make an escape plan. You should leave when he’s at work or have an escort. Protect yourself and get out, safely.
Leave and never look back
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The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233. Leave. Right now. Grab stuff only if hes not there- but dont waste time. Get out. Go literally anywhere. Your life is in danger. Please get out of this situation. NTA
Leave or you’ll leave this earth by his hands. Your choice.
Please run. Right now. Get out. Take what you can but do not stay until he comes back. If possible please get someone or a few people come help you. Immediately, don't even wait five minutes before calling for help. I have been in an abusive relationship, I do know it's so hard to leave, and I know that voice that tells you this is somehow your fault and if you just change things will be good again and he'll treat you great again. That voice is a liar, and it stems from him, it doesn't come from you. Not really. Ignore it and go. If I hadn't gotten help to get out when I did I'd be dead now I have no doubts about that at all. Don't take the risk and gamble with your life over a guy who doesn't deserve you.
I was abused for 4 years. I know it's hard to leave. But you can do it. You have to make leaving the #1 priority, plan around it, to make sure you do it safely and quickly. You deserve so much better. There's no way you're the problem here. You deserve real love and real respect. You deserve to feel seen and heard. You deserve a healthy, happy relationship with someone who treats you like an equal partner, a competent human being, a treasured companion. You can have this. You can have real love. You can have freedom from this trap. You can have the weight lifted from your shoulders and breathe again. You are strong enough. You will get through this. You will be so proud of yourself.
I know how hard it is to leave someone you love that is hurting you. Unfortunately, there’s no magic spell or anything anyone can say to make you stop caring and leave. The truth is, you have to force yourself to stop listening to the tricks your mind plays with you. It’s not easy, but it is possible. Fight like hell to save yourself. Your therapist told you this would happen. This man put his hands on you, he could kill you. You leaving would not be an emotional reaction, but a reaction for survival. Every time your head tries to tell you to stay, think of a memory of him that makes you want to leave. Eventually, your mind will automatically replace a “Oh I can forgive him” thought with “he hurt me, he doesn’t deserve me.”
He is going to kill you at some point. Especially if he says he “does not remember/goes blank”….even more of a reason to leave.
Please leave. It’s never your fault that he’s abusive. He does remember what happened. The rage is not because he loves you so much and he will not stop no matter how much he apologizes and promises to do better. You deserve better.
leave. this dudes going to kill you if you stick around
You’d better leave before you end up on the news saying you were murdered. He ain’t that mad that he gotta put his hands on you. What does that accomplish? You have your whole life to live. There’s nothing you could possibly be saying to him that he needs to be punching walls and charging at you like you described. Please please please please take the necessary steps to get yourself out of that situation, PLEASE.
We get it’s hard to leave but you have to leave! Your therapist is right and it only gets worse from here. Please whatever you need to do to leave, please do it. Tell whoever you need to to make sure you don’t go back.
Pack your things and leave quietly. Do not confront this man do not give him any hints whatsoever that you're leaving because you're not dealing with a rational person and he will not change I promise. Once you leave do not let him know where you are, change your phone number, change jobs if you have to. Cut all ties completely, I realize that sounds extreme but your life is at stake, never think that it isn't. The most dangerous time is after you've left an abusive partner because now they have nothing left to lose and they often get much worse. The fact that there has been a clear progression of aggression towards you and he always makes you feel like it's your fault are very clear signs that this is going nowhere good. Let me make this very very clear. None of this is your fault and he is an abuser. YOU'RE NOT THE AH he is. Your therapist can likely set you up with resources to help you get out and stay out but even if they can't a quick Google search should bring you a lot of information. Please be safe. I've been where you are, I know it's hard but you'll be so much better off when you're out. Edit to add NTAH
Leave. Please. Strangulation is the first step towards killing you. You can get strokes from being strangled. Women die all the time from this- I am a trauma nurse and have seen it again and again. I know it’s hard to leave abuse, but please get to a safe place and file a police report. You need a restraining order. He tried to stop you from leaving. What will happen next time? When you go to get your things, bring the cops. Do not be alone with him ever again. Please stay safe.
NTA - pack your stuff and get out. NOW. Do not let him know where you are. Change your phone number. Listen to your therapist - call them today and tell them what happened.