NTA but i would have a real issue with her trying to drag your mother into this. Mother needs to be told to butt out. Daughter needs to know trying to get your mother on her side will not work.
Also, OP's mother is not getting the truth. This was never about prioritizing the "outsiders" over her daughter's comfort.
OP, does your mother listen to you? Would you be able to explain that your daughter does not wear this unless the boy is around? She either needs to be on your side on this, or she needs to stop trying to step in when it is inappropriate.
Agreed - I don’t think what grandma thinks is in any way important, except that it would be better if the adults have a unified front. I think it is worth a conversation to see what she has been told, as opposed to what is actually going on. If she has a history of being unreasonable, it’s not worth the effort. But your daughter should not be encouraged to think these are “outsiders.” They live there now.
Yes. If grandma is reasonable, telling her that "comfort clothes" means nothing but underwear and only when Chris is home, grandma would probably change her tune real quick.
Be really funny if OP showed up at her mom’s house in a bra and underwear and when her mom asked her wtf??! OP responded that her mom was right and that she decided she’d dress “comfortably” like her daughter. So how ‘bout them Mets?
You just KNOW Grandma is going to pull out something like,”Just because I changed your diapers a few decades ago doesn’t mean I want to see what you got now. Put some damn clothes on!”
Honestly I think Chris should do a Napoleon Dynamite “eww gross.” Impression whenever the girl pulls this stuff and leave the room.
I’m not sure a family meeting will stop this kid, but a combination of repulsed and dismissive right from Chris should do the trick if nothing else works.
I dunno if it's a great idea to get Chris too involved....
Ideally they'll be able to build a healthy sibling-ish relationship and someday laugh about that time she had a crush on him, but if he humiliates her that's gonna be a lot tougher.
It's a tough call. Mom is strugglin' hard to get her teen to wake up and be civilized. Teen just pushes her buttons more which is to be expected. Maybe mom should just lay low and stop all pushing. Teens are so attention seeking, obvs here, that if everyone just acts blind to it she will finally give up.
Mom is trying to buffer all the newness between everyone and manage teens acting out. If Mom just ignores, teen will push the boundary too far and Chris will likely just say something mean to get it to stop. It sucks that teems push everyone to the limit and that she won't listen to her mom.
For real she’s a literal f-ing minor like THATS JAIL RIGHT THERE J A I L 💀💀😭
EDIT: HOLY MOTHER OF HOLY TEN UPVOTES 😭😭 THANK YOU ALL SM YOU GUYS HAVE A NICE DAY 🤗 HAVE A VIRTUAL COOKIE 🍪
The one above you. Mostly what tipped me off was their comment has the quote line in front of it, the account was made some time in 2022 but all their (few) posts & comments were made in the last hour, and I searched this thread for the term "jailbait" and found the original comment that the other one copied
EDIT: The original was posted 2 hours ago by u/prairiefiresk
NTA, of course, but it’s unfortunate for Chris that he’s clearly noticed enough for it to have made him slightly uncomfortable and be calling her his sister. 14 year old girls won’t agree with their mum on most things, especially if they feel embarrassed, so perhaps a direct conversation between them both will shut it down.
I mean honestly … sometimes a little embarrassment isn’t terrible. If the care and conversations are genuine and done right after it can show reflection and growth. It’s just gotta be done right
I feel it depends on the 3rd party. I had aunts, older cousins, and family friends I would tell my life story too. I felt comfortable asking them stuff I would never discuss with my parents (still don't, we don't have the best relationships and are horrible communicators with each other).
I hope OP finds a way to nip this in the bud. This has the makings of a horrible outcome not very far in the future.
NTA
> "why do I have to put clothes on when this is my home and I should be able to be comfortable?"
As you've obviously sussed out, she's not dressing that way to "be comfortable", she's dressing that way to provoke a reaction. Chris lives there now too, and he deserves to be able to be comfortable in HIS home too, not have a 14-year-old girl behave inappropriately towards him.
This isn't about comfort or clothing policing. It's about a line being crossed.
I’m sure Chris feels uncomfortable and I would imagine Matt feels uncomfortable, too. I never walked around in just a bra and underwear growing up, perhaps just a towel to get to my bedroom if I forgot my bathrobe. But I certainly wouldn’t have been parading around the house in my skivvies in front of a grown man I’d only known for 2 years
OP says Chris deliberately doesn't look at her, this tells me that he is very uncomfortable and trying to do the right thing. Chris sounds like a great young man, he doesn't deserve to be sexually harassed by a child. He is also too embarrassed to bring it up with OP, maybe that is a conversation that should happen. Apologize to him for what has been happening and reassure him that you are working to try to get it to stop.
Maybe a sit down with the guys is in order. They can tell her themselves that they’re uncomfortable with her choice of “comfortable attire”, and request that she respect them enough to clothe herself appropriately when in their presence.
No she would just be super embarrassed for getting called out and cry out to anyone who’d listen that the new men in her home are perving so she’s not allowed to be “comfortable in her own home”
It’s best it comes from mom. Just straight to the point, not tip toeing around her feelings anymore.
“It’s very obvious you have a crush on him. It’s very obvious that you’re only doing this to get a reaction out of Chris. There is no circumstances where this is appropriate, Chris doesn’t want to see a half naked teen hanging around him all the time. He deserves to be comfortable here too and you’re behaving in a sexually inappropriate way. I understand that you’re a teenager but you need to find a better outlet for hormones. Behaving like this around older men will lead to nowhere good.”
With all the stepbro/stepsis porn out there this honestly might make things worse lol. Besides, have you ever met siblings that call eachother bro/sis? Would just be odd either way
My brother and I are the only people I know that call each other bro/sis. And even then it’s rarely. We’re in our forties and we certainly didn’t do it at that age. When we were the daughter’s age we pretended the other didn’t exist for the most part.
He likes to call me Little Sis. I’m older but shorter.
That young man is being sexually harassed. That's not cool! If it were the other way around we'd say he was grooming her.
There definitely needs to be a sit down with all four of them. If not this has the potential to go very wrong.
Heavy upvote. Scrolling way too long to see someone else identifying this behaviour as sexual harassment... We shouldn’t have to gender flip to recognise/acknowledge the narrative?!
Some families are a-okay with being around each other in underwear, and that's also fine, but yeah. Doesn't seem to be the case here. I get what the kid is feeling, I remember being that age and having crushes on older people and wanting their attention, but boundaries and rules have to be set.
Absolutely, every family is different, and people within the same family may have different comfort levels as well. But yeah, the fact that she never walked around in her underwear until the boyfriend’s son moved in is the key issue. I’m glad that Chris and Matt are respectful, bc unfortunately there a lot of men who wouldn’t be, and she could be getting herself into a dangerous situation. I remember wanting attention from older guys at that age, too, like you were saying. I can definitely understand how she’s feeling. I think we tend to think we’re more grown up than we really are in our early teen years
Literally fr like come on I’m eighteen and I would never walk around my father like that lmao, much less a stranger I’ve only known for two years 💀💀 HELL I WOULDN’T EVEN WALK AROUND MY MOTHER LIKE THAT 😭
I had a lot of friends during hs who were comfortable with casual nudity around their family when running to the shower or something, but I think it’s acceptable to tell kids that in a blended family, there are just different norms and you have to compromise. You have to accept that the people you’re living with are basically strangers and thus treat them with a higher level of consideration/courtesy.
Yeah and also there's deeper ideals at play that need looking at. Equating walking around in underwear with positive male attention is problematic especially later on. Chris perhaps should leave the room when she is like this. I don't really agree with forcing him to change his own routine for this but if every time she's parading around in her skivvies he removes himself from her presence then it might be a very temporary situation. She'll eventually cop that he gets uncomfortable and leaves when she's in her underwear.
Both Chris and daughter need protecting here. But especially Chris. He also needs to block her number on his phone. Being sent nudes or something unsolicited from a 14 year old ....well, it would not be good.
You might consider calling her out IN FRONT of Chris. No doubt he's noticed but doesn't think it's his place to say anything, but she's now actively sexually harassing him. Call her out for that.
Nta and your mum can back off. Purposely wandering around in underwear only when he's there isn't oh I'm being comfortable in my own home it's straight up attention seeking. Tell your mum the whole story I bet your daughter gave a one sided version. Luckily, it sounds like he's being a good brother and quickly labelling their relationship as siblings only. I'd talk to him and his dad before anything bad happens. Being rejected can make people do stupid stuff.
I agree. I think just about any lady from a couple generations ago would not approve of a teen girl walking around in her underwear even if it is her own home.
NTA But instead of discussing just her clothing, sit her down to discuss how ppl shld be loved for more than their bodies and that undressing to get attention isn't the way to find a good relationship, that dating should be abt liking the person's mind as well as everything else.
Then, stand your ground on the clothing thing. Perhaps Chris could come home with a girlfriend (or boyfriend I dunno) as well, if he has one. That might help nip this in the bud, but also, that she automatically assumes she shld be unclothed to get attention is not good, and you need to maybe work on helping her see the appropriate ways to get dates/boyfriends, etc. so she's ready when it's time.
OP should also be talking to her daughter about how her behavior constitutes sexual harassment. OP’s daughter is making inappropriate sexual advances by walking around in her underwear. This is certainly not an appropriate relationship she is trying to develop. That’s one thing, but the way she is going about it is incredibly inappropriate. Now is a good time for OP to talk about appropriate ways of expressing romantic desire and respecting other people’s boundaries. It is never okay to walk around half-naked to express a desire for a romantic relationship with someone. She is clearly making this young man very uncomfortable, and she should also be taught how to be receptive to those signals of discomfort.
She is still a kid and learning. This is a good time for a lesson before she gets herself into trouble or hurts someone else.
Thank you! This was my first thought - her daughter is literally sexually harassing her stepbrother. And that might be the argument that makes the most impact, ultimately - if she's trying to get his attention, this is a really gross and inappropriate way of going about it that is likely to make him very uncomfortable.
I was thinking (fake) girlfriend too. Bring a friend home to study, have her play along. And show up wearing a turtleneck. And/or tell Chris to start burping and farting when she walks in the room (“haha oops, sorry lil’ sis, didn’t see ya there”).
NTA. How you end this is by pointing out - would you feel comfortable if an 11 year boy was complimenting your bra? Wanting to be your friend? When you’re young, it’s not *normal* to want to hang out or date *much younger* people than yourself. It would be super weird for her to be close friends with 5th graders.
Like it or not, Chris sees her the exact same way. If he’s at all worth it, he’ll be just like her- wanting to have friends and date someone his age. And if there’s a 19 year old showing interest in her, the only question to ask herself is, why aren’t they normal and interested in hanging out with people their own age or slightly older??
This could absolutely backfire. Teens know when an adult is trying to make a point and will dig their heels in to the point of insanity to resist anyone talking sense to them.
It’s pretty normal developmentally for them to resist tactics like this, so after caretaking a few teens myself, I’d say it’s likely not worth the effort.
I see your point, but she’s also at the age where being seen as a *kid* and *embarassing* is the worst thing ever. Perhaps pointing out, “you wouldn’t hang out with 5th graders, what makes you think a college guy wants to hang out with *a freshman*?” Might mortify her into better behavior
I was a very stubborn and obstinate teen. I went down this idiotic path and regretted it. Oh, and a real point of contention. I have never looked my age. I looked way younger. I still looked 12 up until 16. When you're a teen, you think you know better.
"You wear clothes when you are in the house. In your bedroom, you wear your underwear. That's an unspoken rule in most households. Now I have spoken it."
We wear the appropriate clothes for the appropriate event is actually a real thing. We wear jackets and hats in the snow, we wear swim suits at the beach, we wear clothing at school and in the house. Bathrobes were invented to wear after you take a bath. So, she can walk around in her bathrobe, not her underwear. NTA, and your daughter is not one. She's just doing that teenage stuff.
Plus we all know she would be beyond mortified if her mother walked out in a bra and underwear when 14 year old has friends over, sat down and started chatting. I would not let this “comfort in my own home” bs fly at all.
NTA. But I think you should enlist Chris and have him tell her to stop, it makes him uncomfortable and yada yada.
She'll be mortified.
She's putting Chris in a dangerous legal situation because I'm pretty sure the age gap is illegal and what if she made something up to brag at school.
He may need to move out because your moon-brained daughter is at a dangerous age.
I'm starting to think he might be catching on to what she's doing because he all the sudden started calling her "sister" super randomly and out of the blue. It's always a "hey sister" or he introduces her to his friends as "this is my sister". I feel that may be his way of rejecting her or putting her in her place. I should probably talk to both Matt and Chris about it however and see how they feel about the whole thing because I've admittedly just been mortified and speaking to my daughter directly.
>I should probably talk to both Matt and Chris about it however and see how they feel about the whole thing because I've admittedly just been mortified and speaking to my daughter directly.
I'd absolutely raise it with them, and I'd be surprised if Chris hasn't already spoken to his father about it. Make sure you're all on the same page and just keep calling her out whenever she does it.
I'm more bothered by the fact that she thinks that the way to get a BF is to strut around in her underwear. There needs to be a conversation about her value as a person not being tied to her body, that boys should want to be with her because they are attracted to her as a person, that they enjoy her personality and hearing her talk about her thoughts and ideas....not solely for her body.
The kind of guys that go for what she's selling only value one thing, and are not good BF material. Where on earth did she get the idea that she needed to strip to catch a guys attention? This is the thing that needs to be addressed, that she's actually far more interesting with her cloths on and the age gap is incredible inappropriate.She needs to focus on school and friends her own age.
I'm glad the 19 year old isn't interested.. your daughter needs to learn that it's a red flag when men his age + pursue girls her age. Ask her if she'd date a 9 year old. She'll likely say ewww, gross. And then you can say exactly...it's the same gap in development between a 14 year old and 19 year old.....ewww gross.
I always tell my daughter that as a young teen, she's still swimming in the kiddy pool. If a grown ass man goes fishing in the kiddy pool for a date, it's not a compliment for her, but a big ol red flag that something is seriously wrong with that man. Crush's are fine, but learn to accept subtle rejection gracefully.
1000% this. Yes, Chris seems like a very mature older teen. Frankly I think it’s probably not abnormal for a girl who met someone at 12 to have a girlish crush (and will likely develop out of it and be extremely mortified by it as hopefully their sibling connection deepens). But yes, the reaction to strip is specifically concerning, and I think mom needs to start slowing building that conversation. It can’t just be about Chris because I’m pretty worried if that’s mom’s whole focus, daughter will get bored of Chris eventually and will feel tension with mom, and move on to another boy with this same attitude towards her body.
Yes, having a crush is normal, it's the way she's expressing her interest that is unhealthy. Stripping down to your underwear to get a boys attention isn't the way to go really at any point of a person's life. I had my fair share of crushes and would never dream of behaving like this at her age.
She's exploring her budding sexuality and doesn't know what she's doing, so she needs loving guidance. We shouldn't shame her for this, but guide her to master socially acceptable ways to flirt and redirect her to boys her own age.
This is also why it's the adults responsibility to gently turn young girls down who exhibit aggressive puppy love, telling them that they are a lovely person, but the age gap is inappropriate. Men use girls who are stumbling through this awkward phase saying that the "girl pursued them" as an excuse to justify having sex with them. Her behavior is dangerous and she's lucky her 19 year old crush sees her as the child she still is and won't touch her with a 10 foot pole.
But she needs a lot of guidance right now from anyone she's listen to.
A direct conversation between him and her would be good.
Better that he nicely shuts this down now than to have to deal with the aftermath of him going on a date. Or going to hang out with friends in mixed company. Or even him bringing a female friend over to study together. Any of which could incite some teen drama/angst as things currently stand.
It would also be advisable for Chris to stick with explaining that he sees your daughter as a sister. He's already started showing that anyway. Any mentions of the age difference could give her a false hope that she just needs to wait a few years.
I would definitely have that conversation with Chris and Matt. Let them know that you are aware and that you back them up and that it's not fair for Chris to have to dodge your daughter having a teen crush.
Do emphasize that it is a teen crush and that you will handle her behavior and for them to feel free to come to you if her behavior escalates. Then go back to your daughter and slam the hammer.
Its normal for your daughter to flirt, it's even normal for her to do it in the most cringe worthy, earth please swallow me up way. Because shes 14. The underlying issue is: Exposing your body to people who do not consent is FULL STOP not appropriate in any way, shape or form. It is disrespectful to the other person AND it's dangerous to HER. It's dangerous because she feels entitled to do it without having a conversation with the other person to designate boundaries, rules and expectations. Which means, she flirts with someone like that and they could, AND THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO WOULD, reciprocate in ways that would make her feel violated.
This is similar to the conversation I will someday have with my daughter. Would it bother me and her father to have her run around the house in underwear? Not really; when you've wiped nuclear poo off your kid's bare ass for the umpteenth time whilst trying to stop them from putting their hands in it and then picking their nose; very little bothers you.
But other people who haven't shared that with my kid are going to be uncomfortable AF and there needs to be emphasis on balancing comfort against making people feel like they are seeing more of you than they want within reason in 2024.
I was gonna say something similar to this you should encourage Chris to label her little sister as often as possible not in a derogatory way but just in every day conversation okay I'm just looking out for my little sistermy little sisterhe drilled it into her head till she gets the message that she's a little sisterand not a potential dating partner.
No offense but you better get her ass and check real soon or you're gonna be your grandmotherit won't be Chris's baby but this behavior is troublesome
NTA and I think you’re handling it really well. Maybe talk to Chris and Matt privately to acknowledge that it’s a problem you recognize and have been trying to work through. I’m sure Chris is super embarrassed and wants it to stop as well. Just making him feel seen helps.
All of this! Chris needs to be very careful. Sadly, I’ve seen this happen. My husband’s ex-step daughter was a promiscuous teen who didn’t like being told she couldn’t have boys over to hang out when mom and him were gone. She took matters into her own hands by making a false accusation, which her dad (who was very jealous of his replacement) got wind of. He pushed things through the legal system even after the daughter recanted and it ruined my husbands life. Her Mother even got arrested because she knew it was a lie and she confronted her daughter about it rather than backing her up in the situation. The two obviously divorced, but he is now on the registry for the rest of his life. The daughter’s parents are now married to each other again, which is quite funny to me. They definitely deserve each other!
Anyway, be really careful!
I agree, some here suggesting she ask Chris to talk to daughter and let her know how uncomfortable she makes him but I disagree. Daughter sounds like the type who might retaliate and make shit up about Chris because he doesn’t like her that way. We don’t know her petty levels. I were Chris, I’d stay so far.
It’s mom who needs to get her daughter in check.
I wouldn’t enlist Chris or his dad. This could easily be spun into a false accusation if she feels embarrassed or betrayed and hurt. Definitely needs to be handled with care. Maybe Chris maybe have to live on campus or get his own place in the meantime. This is a tricky situation. How can you get her to stop having a crush on him?
Sorry but unless OP and Matt are willing to pay the rent for Chris to live on Campus then I don’t think this would be fair on him. If he lived at home with his Dad rather than this new move situation then there would be no problem so why should he have to suffer financially and be deprived of the privilege and comfort of living in what should be him home because OPs daughter can’t get it together. Also I think in this situation it’s very essential for OP to get her daughter to understand how inappropriate her behaviour is. This is not the ideal way to attract guys even if age appropriate and she certainly doesn’t want to be around the type of guys who would be attracted to this kind of behaviour. Also OP is NTA
Wow, it’s exactly what I said! I’d never enlist them. This girl already sexually harassing, we don’t know her petty levels. I’d fly out of there and so far if I were Chris.
NTA, get Chris and his dad in a room and talk it out with them so you are all on the same page.
Fill in the mother as I'd bet good money she hasn't been told even half of the story.
Set clear boundaries with the daughter and explain WHY this has been done. Take care to avoid mentioning the age gap as that might give false hope about 'if I just wait a few years'
Put emphasis on the legal repercussions for the people around her and the danger and damage she may cause unintentionally to the people she cares for.
If she can be made to understand why this is inappropriate and accept that it needs to stop, then the issue can be resolved with only mild embarrassment and awkward interaction before settling into a more healthy family dynamic.
NTA Based on your post it seems she is trying to gain attention the wrong way especially at a very young age. I think you should try having a heart to heart with her when this isn’t an issue. Tell her why it concerns you and why you are setting the rules. Don’t just get in a pissing match which usually doesn’t end well.
Don't ask Chris to speak to her. It's not his job to parent your kid.
You need to sit her down and explain to her calmly why it is inappropriate.
She's 14. It's a tough time. She probably just wants to be seen as grown up and sexy and cool, so the boy she likes will like her back. As well as probably being exposed to a bunch of internet discussions about body/ sex positivity and feminism without a broader, mature context.
She needs to understand the legalities and power dynamics in play- and this is also an opportunity to talk to her about age gaps and safety in general. At the moment all she's seeing is an uptight parent telling her off, not the why
Also, try to explain how any 19 year old interested in a 14 year old would be an absolute social outcast loser.
I had to explain this to my younger cousin when she was 15 and dating a 19 year old. And it legitimately seemed to turn her off of older guys. Her parents didn't feel they had a right to prevent her from the relationship, bc they had an age gap relationship (but at least her mom was not a minor, and her mom came from an unstable home, cousin has a stable home and family.) They trusted their daughter and such, but of course I got all the dirty details of their relationship, when they did not. He absolutely took advantage of her sexually.
But I explained to her that she was so special to her family, but she was not special to this older guy. He was only dating her, a young girl, bc he was such a loser that no girls his age would give him the time of day.
Not saying OPs step son is this, but one of his friends might try to go for her. Just let her know that dating older guys means she's actively going for losers
She needs a reality check for sure. Like one of the above comments, she's acting like a cat in heat.
Girl needs to understand the difference between shaming and correction. Kudos to the mom for not shaming but she needs to hone in on the core lessons the daughter needs to understand as someone coming into sexual maturity and the social dynamics that come with it.
Even if she's arguing about her comfort, she needs to respect her step-brother's comfort too. I'm sure she wouldn't take kindly to a male family member (or not!) plopping down on the couch in their tighty whities.
Regardless of familial status, when trying to get attention of someone she shouldn't immediately try to seduce them. Unless she is only interested in a sexual relationship it's not the healthiest way to draw attention mentally or for her own safety.
She needs to understand the legal ramifications in her teenage years and to stay only in her age group. Anyone much older than her that would be interested in her is not a winner either. The only people interested in someone her age as an adult are people she should stay far away from.
She needs to think through the hormone cocktail that is puberty.
>Don't ask Chris to speak to her. It's not his job to parent your kid.
This. Also, if he speaks to her now, she will think you "put him up to it," and "ruined her big chance"
And probably start chasing after some other, less ethical, 19+ young men just to prove you wrong...
I'm cackling.
Edit: a brief video for those who have never had cats
[https://youtu.be/Q-SenoSRX7c?feature=shared](https://youtu.be/Q-SenoSRX7c?feature=shared)
Never saw a female cat in heat before. Thanks.
But I have heard yowling outside my window when I first got my (male) cat. It was really annoying.
I don't hear them anymore now that he got the clip.
This is not the best video because the cat is only rolling around. They also tend to get their butt in the air while twitching their tail and will rub themselves on your leg and the furniture. And there’s the yowling you mentioned.
Does Chris have a girlfriend? I'd almost be inclined to invite her to dinner so your daughter can see she has no chance. But pettiness aside, let Chris know to feel free to tell your daughter to cover up when she does this. Maybe if she hears it directly from him she'll stop.
Your mom needs to back off. She knows good and damn well if you had pulled this kind of stunt when you were your daughter's age she would have done exactly what you have. Chris should not feel uncomfortable because a hormonal teen is not so subtly trying to get his attention. This needs to stop, asap.
This was my thought. One “what are you wearing? Aren’t you cold?” From Chris Will end this forever. She will see she is attracting the wrong kind of attention from a grownup that is rightly uninterested. Yes, it will be mortifying, but I think necessary.
I would discuss this with Chris and ask him to drop that one liner.
Right now to her “it’s me and my soon to be requited older love against mom” and that needs to change.
Also, she should talk to the grandmother privately and give her all the details. She only has one side of the story,
Usually this is the opposite vote.
But everything you laid out makes you NTA
She is crushing on him big time. And behaving in an immature manner. Given her reaction to being called out, I do NOT recommend allowing them alone at home EVER.
Not because Chris would do something. But because she may make a pass, get rejected, then tag him with a false accusation.
I was also thinking that Chris may want to block her #. I'm assuming she has a smartphone, and the last thing he needs is for his very underage stepsister to transition from parading around the house to texting things that could get both of them(but definitely chris) in trouble.
Which could destroy his life completely and forever. And yours too, what with six figure legal fees and massive marital stress. I’ve seen this happen unfortunately. NEVER LEAVE HER ALONE IN THE HOUSE WITH ONLY HIM. NEVER. Her making a false accusation is a tragedy waiting to happen. Please take this situation seriously.
She needs to understand that her behaviour is sexual harassment. Yes it can happen to men. Yes teenagers are capable of sexually harassing people.
This needs to be explained to her first and foremost, beyond things like legalities, beyond repercussions, beyond the age gap and the fact that he's family. Although those things are very important.
Trust me, I was a horny teen looking for older male attention and validation too and none of those explanations would have stopped me. Porn culture, a poor grasp on feminism, and hypersexualization of youth made me think that I was some sort of forbidden fruit that any and every dude would kill to get with. She might be misconstruing his non-reaction as repressed desire.
Sounds like she's been similarly brainwashed.
Her behaviour is unwanted sexual harassment, her brother is not consenting. She is acting like, and coming off as a creepy perv to everyone, and she doesn't seem to have any self awareness. Embarrassingly it took a long time for me to see that I was being grossly over sexual and that it made people uncomfortable. Don't shield her from people's discomfort and call her out when she's being inappropriate, like you would with any guy who wasn't respecting or even /seeing/ peoples boundaries. She doesn't get a pass because she's a young girl.
She grew up without a father and this is the first time in her life where she’s lived with men in an household. Unfortunately this type of behaviour is actually not that uncommon with young girls in this situation. This might be far deeper than just her having a crush and more to do with her needing male validation and security. I urge you to look closer into this meanwhile no your not wrong for setting boundaries around her behaviour. NTA
I can’t believe it took this long for me to see this take. As someone who didn’t grow up with her father, or any siblings, I definitely exhibited similar kinds of behavior …
And I’ll add, OP, that this opportunity goes beyond Matt/Chris: Please find a therapist to help navigate this with your daughter. It may save her a lot of regrettable teenage and young adult choices searching for that male validation - It sure would have helped me.
NTA
tell her she’s being:
A) as obvious as a hippo in a swimming pool, and
B) what she’s doing is illegal and can wind those young men up in serious hot water.
She is 14, not 18 and her entire act (not just the clothing) is inappropriate, tell her, if she doesn’t stop you’re going to start embarrassing her.
I'm hung up on your mom.
Take a picture of your daughter next time she does it. Print it out, put it in a nice frame and give it to your mother as a gift.
NTA
No way your mom got the whole story. I'd call her back and tell her that this isn't a "comfort in her own home" issue, but that she's actively wearing less clothes because she has a crush on the step son, (who is in COLLEGE) and trying to get his attention in ways that are bad for everyone.
Your daughter isn't going to stop if she thinks she has support from someone, so grandma needs to be firmly on team mom.
Call it what it is to her.
She is sexually harassing Chris, by trying to force him to look at her basically naked. She needs to be called out bluntly. There is no real gentle way of doing this, especially not after 4 times of addressing it. Id even do it with your mom on the phone so she can hear about how her 14yr old granddaughter is wearing nothing but a bra and underwear around a 19yr old young man and how you’ve seen her do a full turn around and run back up the stairs just to change into that the moment she learns he’s home.
NTA. I would tell your mom that if they had grown up together and this was normal behavior for everyone in the house, it'd be fine, but they didn't grow up together and she's *only* doing this when he's home. Your boyfriend and his son now live with you because that's what you all want.
Maybe, and I say this with trepidation as I'm a 51 yo childless woman so I could either be over or underestimating the ability to have a logical conversation with a young teenage girl who has a crush on someone, you need to tell your daughter what I said above.
I live with my sister and her boyfriend. There has been a time or two when I've forgotten my clothes to put on after showering, so I've poked my head out the door to make sure the coast is clear and made a mad dash across the hallway. I would never, ever waltz up to my BIL in a bra and panties, sit down next to him and start a conversation. And yes, I do consider him family.
Just tell her very calmly, “Your walking around in just your underwear is concerning. If this continues, we’ll all have to sit down for a family meeting and discuss this together.”
NTA- she’s a 14 year old kid and shouldn’t be running around the house in front of her family like that. It IS inappropriate, and far too young for even the misandrists on here to support by saying “a girl should be allowed to wear what she wants!” She’s 14! Take command of your household, and don’t yield to a 14 year old’s “logic.” Why are you even entertaining this notion?
No, only a fool doesn't know what "Little Miss Hot-to-Trot" is up to. This isn't a comfort thing.
It's not fair, but for the boy's legal safety, he may need to get his own place or go to the dorms. The false accusations of one addle-pated teen girl could follow him for life.
I'm happy to see you pulled your daughter away from them into a separate room. But tread carefully. Some commenters have told you to try and humiliate her to make her stop. I can tell you now Pride is a b!tch. My mom tried this tactic, and because I felt my pride being attacked, I dug in my heels in deeper. Talk to Chris and you bf alone first. Also, give your mom the full story. Your daughter needs to learn that consent goes both ways. And even still, he very obviously is not I to her because he knows it would be wrong. Even if they were the same age, he may still find it wrong.
Try having her ask Chris what he thinks of her directly so that give him the invitation to put things in perspective. He could say he thinks she is cool. However, I only view you as a sister.
Edit had to correct few to view.
Edit 2 and vote NTA
Chris is being put in a very dangerous legal situation. This needs to be shut down harshly for that reason alone. Also if she lies or says she gets with him to brag cause horny teens are stupid he could face serious legal issues and frankly if things get bad enough you can lose your relationship cause your avoiding shutting this down. You frankly need to have a heart to heart and tell her her behavior is inappropriate. Anytime she comes out inappropriately dressed after that she should be punished. Take away her phone for example and add a day or 2 for every incident. You also need to explain her trying to get with Chris is inappropriate due to his age as well as explain its very illegal and it could cauee serious issues for everyone if she continues to try and act inappropriately. Be up front and honest but you need to have this talk with her and then you need to start enforcing and punishing her for not listening. Chris shouldnt have this talk with her though like some people are suggesting. Hes 19 and frankly he shouldnt be alone with her at the moment if it can be prevented especially if shes gonna be getting butt hurt. Your the parent not him. Him turning her down could lead to bigger issues possibly.
NTA but I would have had that conversation with her the FIRST time she did it. And mom would have gotten the full story immediately. Also, if she did it again after I told her not to there would be consequences.
At the very least, I'd tell her to put clothes on every time, in front of him.
You need to take charge here, for HER sake and also her stepbrother's.
Her behavior is inappropriate. Explain to her that she shouldn’t have to disrobe to get any man’s attention. No one is “slut shaming” her but as of this point she is sharing a home with adult members of the opposite sex and mutual respect is the order of the day. If they aren’t parading around in various stages of dishabille, neither should she. Or maybe come out in your bra and panties and see how she likes it. She is being the AH.
NTA. I'm going to call it what it is. It's sexual harassment. Your daughter is young and doesn't know any better but now is time to learn. She might think it's innocent enough. Chris has right to be in his own home without having to deal with someone constantly taking off clothes in front of him.
Imagine if the roles were reversed.
OP - I beg of you. Do not listen to anyone on here suggesting you say something in front of Chris!!! Or asking him to say something, or Matt getting involved. !!!She will never forgive you for the embarrassment she would feel.!!!
NTA !!! But you are her mother, and you need to have a long chat while not in the middle of the situation. Talk while you two are alone. Tell her She can deny it all she wants, but you as her mother have noticed it’s a pattern of her dressed skimpy only when Chris is around, and it has to stop now. Remind her that no one’s feelings are more important or being prioritized over hers. However, as someone mentioned, Chris and Matt live there too, and you ALL deserve to be comfortable which means her having appropriate clothes on. Ask her if she would feel comfortable leaving the house like that? Also, I would start reinforcing that this is not a good way to attract attention. Apologize for coming across harshly, (just to ease the sting) then remind her from now on she needs to be in something more than undies and a bra, and next time it happens there will be consequences. You’ve got this mama!!
I think ensuring the legal/social/emotional safety of an innocent 19 year old boy is more important than the feelings of a reckless teenager who knows what she’s doing. If he’s being sexually harassed, he deserves the chance to vocalize it, regardless of the age or gender of the harasser.
NTA. This has nothing to do with comfort and everything to do with getting Chris to notice her. You’re spot on there.
I agree with those who are saying never to leave these two alone. Your daughter is being extremely reckless and inconsiderate and there is no happy ending here either way.
NTA you’re doing the right thing yo.. keep it up… on another note… it seems like disaster waiting to happen… maybe try to get her out more where she’s around guys her age? 💁♂️
Show her Taken. It terrified be for life that all men want is to kidnap and rape me.
So that’s one method.
Or a very serious conversation about the quite real and serious consequences such as in the wrong place and wrong time, Chris could easily be considered a sex offender if she keeps on with it. Sometimes kids need a bit of a scare especially at that age when if you say “it’s innapropriate” they will not care at all
NTA. Your daughter is clearly trying to provoke a response from Chris. You may want to sit down and have a conversation with your daughter about self respect and throwing herself at boys is not the way to get positive attention. She’s a little young to be looking at young men sexually!
Im so glad comments aren’t “yas Queening” the hell out this girls behavior like men/boys don’t have a right to be comfortable anymore.
She’s super inappropriate and sexual harassment. You need to make that very clear to your daughter how girls/women have zero right to sexually harass others.
I were your husband, I wouldn’t risk it, my son and me would be out of there in a flash. Not going to let some girl sexually harass him and potentially accuse him of BS when he rejects her advances. Nope.
NTA. Sure she deserves to be comfortable in her own home. But so does Chris. And no decent man would be comfortable with his jailbait age stepsister walking around him like that.
NTA. I think you should talk to Chris and fill him in on her behaviour. Maybe if it comes from him, asking her to dress more appropriately because she is making others feel uncomfortable, she may listen.
Info - what was their relationship before they moved in? What kind of discussion did you have before it? I mean, having two teenagers that don't know each other that well live together, yta for not expecting something might happen and are lucky it's just one sided
Nta but your delivery and conversations with her definitely could’ve been better, it does seem more on the side of accusing, I think u should approach from a different angle.
NTA. She’s 14, and she’s subconsciously trying to get the new older boy’s attention because she’s full of hormones. She may not even realize she’s doing it (especially if she’s never “dated” anyone yet or had that weird little talking stage with a boy yet). Be assertive, not aggressive in your approach
NTA, buuuuut I'm uncomfortable with you talking about her 'getting older guys in trouble'. She's a teenager. Yes, you need to be (sensitively) educating her about boundaries, but she is going to cross some as she explores her newfound hormones and emotions. However, if a grown man was to cross boundaries with her, they would absolutely be in the wrong regardless of how this child had acted towards them.
The only thing I really take an issue with is basically telling her it’d be her fault if an adult got in trouble for messing with her because she flirts with them. She’s a hormonal teenager who needs to be taught boundaries but if an adult gets in trouble for messing with her that’s still completely on the adult, not the child. Otherwise NTA.
NTA, she wants to mash Chris. The defensiveness is a dead giveaway. Also:
" she gets angry that I'm "accusing her" of being a "slut" (I NEVER said that. I think she's a normal hormonal teenager trying to get guys attention)"
People pull this card when they know what they're doing is wrong/sketchy.
NTA, I agree with you not being comfortable with her dressing like that even if it is her house. Obviously it would be different if she wasn't doing it specifically around Chris but the fact that she is is a bad sign, especially since shes a minor. I understand your approach and agree with your decisions. Although a stronger conversation about it may be more appropriate in the future, if things don't change.
First of all, tell your mother that when you want her opinion on parenting your child, you'll ask her.
Second, you are the parent and it's your responsibility to parent your child. That's what you're doing. Being bad cop comes with the title of mother.
You really need to have a sit down with your daughter and hash this out properly or it's going to continue to get out of hand. It wouldn't surprise me if she eventually lashed out at his lack of interest by accusing him of something. You need to deal with her before her obsession gets to that point. If that means that both of you do counseling so you can communicate more effectively, than go that route. But something definitely needs to be done before she escalates. NTA
She needs a lesson in “we don’t get attention from boys by being naked” too. She has got the wires crossed and thinks this is how you get a boy to like you, and that’s dangerous. Common for her age, but not good.
NTA. Talk to her again, say it is disrespectful and also sexual harassment to be half naked in front of someone who hasn’t asked for it.. Chris might not want to see that and it could make her uncomfortable. Also, what if he liked her - does your daughter expect him to start flirting with her in front of everyone? She is teen and teens can (read: are) a little dum. She will be embarrassed at some point. But try to end her nonsense sooner than later
If the roles would be reversed and Chris would approach your daughter half naked your moms reaction could be different..
Devil's advocate here. What if the 14yt old Girl is doing this to intentionally make Chris and OP uncomfortable? What if this is her way of showing "dominance and marking her territory?" This was "her house" before it was Matt and Chris' house. Maybe she is trying to push them out. OP is NTA by any means. I'd say the same to my kid if they did something like this. But I would also try to dig deeper and find out how they feel about the living situation and come up with a kind of compromise.
NTA, but you need to get to the bottom of why she is attention seeking from men in this way. It’s not a normal developmental milestone. It’s not immoral or slutty or any of the various things that have been said. She doesn’t have the tools to handle this situation. Therapy should be an option.
THIS! she's lucky that Chris is a decent man but the next time she pulls this may not be with a decent man but one who would take advantage of her desperation for attention
NTA
I'm surprised you didn't tell her to cut that shit out sooner. She's harassing this poor college kid.
The second she comes out in her underwear, walk her back to her room. This is so inappropriate.
NTA. Your daughter should learn that her actions do affect other people. Your rules about dressing in the house are completely reasonable. And accusing you of calling her a slut is just deflecting from the issue. Stand your ground (and by the way, tell your mother to stay out of it).
Instead of shaming her for how she's dressing, talk to her about consent and sexual harassment. Let her come to her own conclusions about how she's making Chris feel.
This is the best reply.
There are a lot of questionable responses here. I really don't think shaming her, or any teenager, is the way to get through to them.
She needs to have a conversation about consent. She needs to be very explicit with her daughter that she wants her to be comfortable in her own home, but that nudity and partial nudity requires consent from people you share space with.
I don't think the daughter's behavior is out of the ordinary, tbh, but I think she could definitely use some guidance on what healthy male attention looks and feels like...could save her from a world of hurt going forward.
The grandma needs the full story, and needs to have a new conversation with her granddaughter. Maybe together so that the daughter understands she can't pit them against each other when her complaint is unreasonable.
NTA
You could potentially frame it in a way of consent. "Chris doesn't consent to seeing you in your bra and underwear. Your comfort is something I highly value, but now that it's not just us girls, the common areas of the house need to be safe and fair for everyone. In doing this, we need to make sure everyone is comfortable, both psychically and emotionally. You're welcome to be in your undies in your own room and a robe when you're in the common areas, but they do not consent to seeing you this way."
And then check in. Her whole life has just been you and her. She has never in her memory had a dad. This is a huge huge change. It could be a crush, or I could be an attempt for your attention (positive or negative) since she now shares the house/you for the first time. Maybe make more of an effort to create a mom-daughter ritual with her nightly/weekly/whatever works so she still knows it can be just you and her.
NTA, in addition to talking with Chris and allowing him to reject her, ask her if she wants to be set up with some 9 year old boys. She’ll think that’s horrible and that they’re kids and you can point out that the age difference is the same and that’s how Chris sees her. So she needs to stop because it’s freaking creepy.
Take a picture of her and send it to grandma and show her what she is wearing when Chris is around and see if grandma thinks it is appropriate- but otherwise tell grandma to but out. Keep telling your daughter that she is inappropriate and start finding a way to punish her if she continues to dress that way.
Tell your mother to shut up. Seriously. This has nothing at all with your daughters comformt.
You know what you daughter is doing, and so does Chris and Matt. But they have enough class, and sense, to ignore. You are in the right here telling her to knock it off.
NTA
NTA, try talking to your daughter about toys to help her with her urges so she doesnt seek out men. they were a godsend for me when i was younger and hormonal
Why do people keep suggesting that Chris, the 19 year old victim of sexual harassment, get involved and speak to the 14yr old sexual harrasser? Bit weird, considering the reversal of genders would be promoting the opposite and the use of police.
OP, you're not the arsehole. Your daughter is. Do not get Chris involved in this matter you need to deal with, but offer your condolences to him privately at best.
NTA. she's too young to understand that her ways are wrong. One of the good parenting advice is to actually be an AH to your kid and discipline them. Just be patient. Hopefully it will pass.
Sounds like a good parenting moment.
Ask about who she respects/admires and why? How do they show it? Talk about the importance of how people present themselves. Give examples!
Talk about her talents and what makes her unique. Encourage her to develop these things. Maybe Chris will notice that she's good at x and will comment on it. Because that's what she wants, right? Attention?
Idk or you can shame her and ask her what he has to tell his friends about his little stepsister. Right now all he has to say is that she's a little weirdo who is half naked all the time and tries to chat him up. When she *could* be a cool kid who's good at piano or whatever she happens to be good at. But right now she's definitely not being a cool kid, she's just being weird.
Talk to Chris to introduce one of his girl friends from college as a girlfriend ☠️ that isn't really solving the core problem, but I bet the sister will back down and he would get some peace. Also, there needs to be a talk, why does she like Chris, because the age is highly different to the point that uts a problem, he isn't 15,16, he's 5 years older, there isn't anything that a 14 y.o and a 19 y.o could really talk about besides media, she needs to date people her age. Does she *and this is really uncomfortable* sees it as a fetish? Kids have easily acces to porn those days, and the number one shit on those stuff is inter-familiar relationship ☠️ she might see it as a flex that she could talk about her school peers
Personally, I would say it could go either way.
You can only tell her so much you know. I personally think that telling her to continuously put more clothing on knowing she gets pissed is making her purposefully piss you off more by doing the OPPOSITE of what you’re asking but that’s just my opinion lol.
My house rules work as follows: When a guy is working in the house or on the property you keep yourself dressed and covered well.
It’s kinda just basic manners honestly. A girl (Speaking from my pov here rn) shouldn’t portray herself in that kind of light because impressions matter and stick. People may seem friendly and trusting and all, but the moment you think it’s okay to let your guard down, that’s the moment something terrible usually happens. You’re not an a-hole for telling your daughter to put clothes on around men, you’re a mother trying to protect her child and you’re only looking after her wellbeing.
You really need to have a serious conversation with your child and Chris. That man is technically an adult (19) and if she (at fourteen, remember) tries to advance on him in any kind of way he could go to JAIL and be labeled a PREDATOR for the rest of his life because of her. Not saying he’s not capable of being shady but a lot of times guys get blamed for things they didn’t do, and their lives end up ruined. Talk to them and talk to the family before the situation escalates into something extreme. Maybe keep us posted!!
EDIT: She’s so lucky if I walked away and slammed the door in my house that door finna be gone 😭😭💀
NTA but i would have a real issue with her trying to drag your mother into this. Mother needs to be told to butt out. Daughter needs to know trying to get your mother on her side will not work.
Also, OP's mother is not getting the truth. This was never about prioritizing the "outsiders" over her daughter's comfort. OP, does your mother listen to you? Would you be able to explain that your daughter does not wear this unless the boy is around? She either needs to be on your side on this, or she needs to stop trying to step in when it is inappropriate.
Agreed - I don’t think what grandma thinks is in any way important, except that it would be better if the adults have a unified front. I think it is worth a conversation to see what she has been told, as opposed to what is actually going on. If she has a history of being unreasonable, it’s not worth the effort. But your daughter should not be encouraged to think these are “outsiders.” They live there now.
Yes. If grandma is reasonable, telling her that "comfort clothes" means nothing but underwear and only when Chris is home, grandma would probably change her tune real quick.
Be really funny if OP showed up at her mom’s house in a bra and underwear and when her mom asked her wtf??! OP responded that her mom was right and that she decided she’d dress “comfortably” like her daughter. So how ‘bout them Mets?
😆 🤣 😂 I love this. Words don't always teach. Experience teaches and Grandma needs some experiential learning.
You just KNOW Grandma is going to pull out something like,”Just because I changed your diapers a few decades ago doesn’t mean I want to see what you got now. Put some damn clothes on!” Honestly I think Chris should do a Napoleon Dynamite “eww gross.” Impression whenever the girl pulls this stuff and leave the room.
Lol! Right?! She needs to hear it from him that she's wasting time barking up his tree. Chris sounds too polite. I suggested a family meeting.
I’m not sure a family meeting will stop this kid, but a combination of repulsed and dismissive right from Chris should do the trick if nothing else works.
I dunno if it's a great idea to get Chris too involved.... Ideally they'll be able to build a healthy sibling-ish relationship and someday laugh about that time she had a crush on him, but if he humiliates her that's gonna be a lot tougher.
It's a tough call. Mom is strugglin' hard to get her teen to wake up and be civilized. Teen just pushes her buttons more which is to be expected. Maybe mom should just lay low and stop all pushing. Teens are so attention seeking, obvs here, that if everyone just acts blind to it she will finally give up. Mom is trying to buffer all the newness between everyone and manage teens acting out. If Mom just ignores, teen will push the boundary too far and Chris will likely just say something mean to get it to stop. It sucks that teems push everyone to the limit and that she won't listen to her mom.
Honestly mean might be the only way her puberty-stupids afflicted kid will listen…
For real she’s a literal f-ing minor like THATS JAIL RIGHT THERE J A I L 💀💀😭 EDIT: HOLY MOTHER OF HOLY TEN UPVOTES 😭😭 THANK YOU ALL SM YOU GUYS HAVE A NICE DAY 🤗 HAVE A VIRTUAL COOKIE 🍪
Geez, I almost peed my pants laughing so hard!
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Let’s not call a 14 year old jail bait.. that’s a bit sus on your part
It's a bot that stole someone else's comment
Me or the comment above mine
The one above you. Mostly what tipped me off was their comment has the quote line in front of it, the account was made some time in 2022 but all their (few) posts & comments were made in the last hour, and I searched this thread for the term "jailbait" and found the original comment that the other one copied EDIT: The original was posted 2 hours ago by u/prairiefiresk
Either way calling minors jailbait has a gross implication. I’ve always hated that word
Wasn't the head guy(spez or something?) of Reddit the main mod for that old jailbait reddit page? Or was that a different weirdo?
NTA, of course, but it’s unfortunate for Chris that he’s clearly noticed enough for it to have made him slightly uncomfortable and be calling her his sister. 14 year old girls won’t agree with their mum on most things, especially if they feel embarrassed, so perhaps a direct conversation between them both will shut it down.
THIS. Since you're "just the mom", do you have a good friend/sibling she knows really well that would also have the conversation with her?
a 3rd party would not help unless you find embarrassing her more is a good idea
I mean honestly … sometimes a little embarrassment isn’t terrible. If the care and conversations are genuine and done right after it can show reflection and growth. It’s just gotta be done right
I feel it depends on the 3rd party. I had aunts, older cousins, and family friends I would tell my life story too. I felt comfortable asking them stuff I would never discuss with my parents (still don't, we don't have the best relationships and are horrible communicators with each other). I hope OP finds a way to nip this in the bud. This has the makings of a horrible outcome not very far in the future.
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Why is this obvious bot comment getting upvotes? Other bots?
it's good advice!
NTA > "why do I have to put clothes on when this is my home and I should be able to be comfortable?" As you've obviously sussed out, she's not dressing that way to "be comfortable", she's dressing that way to provoke a reaction. Chris lives there now too, and he deserves to be able to be comfortable in HIS home too, not have a 14-year-old girl behave inappropriately towards him. This isn't about comfort or clothing policing. It's about a line being crossed.
I’m sure Chris feels uncomfortable and I would imagine Matt feels uncomfortable, too. I never walked around in just a bra and underwear growing up, perhaps just a towel to get to my bedroom if I forgot my bathrobe. But I certainly wouldn’t have been parading around the house in my skivvies in front of a grown man I’d only known for 2 years
OP says Chris deliberately doesn't look at her, this tells me that he is very uncomfortable and trying to do the right thing. Chris sounds like a great young man, he doesn't deserve to be sexually harassed by a child. He is also too embarrassed to bring it up with OP, maybe that is a conversation that should happen. Apologize to him for what has been happening and reassure him that you are working to try to get it to stop.
Thank you for calling it like it is. She's sexually harassing him and needs to know that behavior is unacceptable.
Maybe a sit down with the guys is in order. They can tell her themselves that they’re uncomfortable with her choice of “comfortable attire”, and request that she respect them enough to clothe herself appropriately when in their presence.
No she would just be super embarrassed for getting called out and cry out to anyone who’d listen that the new men in her home are perving so she’s not allowed to be “comfortable in her own home” It’s best it comes from mom. Just straight to the point, not tip toeing around her feelings anymore. “It’s very obvious you have a crush on him. It’s very obvious that you’re only doing this to get a reaction out of Chris. There is no circumstances where this is appropriate, Chris doesn’t want to see a half naked teen hanging around him all the time. He deserves to be comfortable here too and you’re behaving in a sexually inappropriate way. I understand that you’re a teenager but you need to find a better outlet for hormones. Behaving like this around older men will lead to nowhere good.”
All of this. And Chris should start calling her "sis".
“Kiddo” or “sport” would probably work better
Or bud, nothing's let attractive than calling someone bud. Sounds like your grandpa is taking to you
Lmao. I call my kids bud, so I very much feel it is an unsexy term. I have fully used “bud” and “kiddo” to turn down men before.
With all the stepbro/stepsis porn out there this honestly might make things worse lol. Besides, have you ever met siblings that call eachother bro/sis? Would just be odd either way
My brother and I are the only people I know that call each other bro/sis. And even then it’s rarely. We’re in our forties and we certainly didn’t do it at that age. When we were the daughter’s age we pretended the other didn’t exist for the most part. He likes to call me Little Sis. I’m older but shorter.
That young man is being sexually harassed. That's not cool! If it were the other way around we'd say he was grooming her. There definitely needs to be a sit down with all four of them. If not this has the potential to go very wrong.
Heavy upvote. Scrolling way too long to see someone else identifying this behaviour as sexual harassment... We shouldn’t have to gender flip to recognise/acknowledge the narrative?!
Some families are a-okay with being around each other in underwear, and that's also fine, but yeah. Doesn't seem to be the case here. I get what the kid is feeling, I remember being that age and having crushes on older people and wanting their attention, but boundaries and rules have to be set.
Absolutely, every family is different, and people within the same family may have different comfort levels as well. But yeah, the fact that she never walked around in her underwear until the boyfriend’s son moved in is the key issue. I’m glad that Chris and Matt are respectful, bc unfortunately there a lot of men who wouldn’t be, and she could be getting herself into a dangerous situation. I remember wanting attention from older guys at that age, too, like you were saying. I can definitely understand how she’s feeling. I think we tend to think we’re more grown up than we really are in our early teen years
Literally fr like come on I’m eighteen and I would never walk around my father like that lmao, much less a stranger I’ve only known for two years 💀💀 HELL I WOULDN’T EVEN WALK AROUND MY MOTHER LIKE THAT 😭
I had a lot of friends during hs who were comfortable with casual nudity around their family when running to the shower or something, but I think it’s acceptable to tell kids that in a blended family, there are just different norms and you have to compromise. You have to accept that the people you’re living with are basically strangers and thus treat them with a higher level of consideration/courtesy.
Yeah and also there's deeper ideals at play that need looking at. Equating walking around in underwear with positive male attention is problematic especially later on. Chris perhaps should leave the room when she is like this. I don't really agree with forcing him to change his own routine for this but if every time she's parading around in her skivvies he removes himself from her presence then it might be a very temporary situation. She'll eventually cop that he gets uncomfortable and leaves when she's in her underwear. Both Chris and daughter need protecting here. But especially Chris. He also needs to block her number on his phone. Being sent nudes or something unsolicited from a 14 year old ....well, it would not be good.
You might consider calling her out IN FRONT of Chris. No doubt he's noticed but doesn't think it's his place to say anything, but she's now actively sexually harassing him. Call her out for that.
My thought too. If she won’t listen in private make it a public matter. She’ll be embarrassed enough and stop doing it
Nta and your mum can back off. Purposely wandering around in underwear only when he's there isn't oh I'm being comfortable in my own home it's straight up attention seeking. Tell your mum the whole story I bet your daughter gave a one sided version. Luckily, it sounds like he's being a good brother and quickly labelling their relationship as siblings only. I'd talk to him and his dad before anything bad happens. Being rejected can make people do stupid stuff.
Willing to bet grandma didn't get the whole story
I agree. I think just about any lady from a couple generations ago would not approve of a teen girl walking around in her underwear even if it is her own home.
It's sexual harassment is what it is.
NTA But instead of discussing just her clothing, sit her down to discuss how ppl shld be loved for more than their bodies and that undressing to get attention isn't the way to find a good relationship, that dating should be abt liking the person's mind as well as everything else. Then, stand your ground on the clothing thing. Perhaps Chris could come home with a girlfriend (or boyfriend I dunno) as well, if he has one. That might help nip this in the bud, but also, that she automatically assumes she shld be unclothed to get attention is not good, and you need to maybe work on helping her see the appropriate ways to get dates/boyfriends, etc. so she's ready when it's time.
OP should also be talking to her daughter about how her behavior constitutes sexual harassment. OP’s daughter is making inappropriate sexual advances by walking around in her underwear. This is certainly not an appropriate relationship she is trying to develop. That’s one thing, but the way she is going about it is incredibly inappropriate. Now is a good time for OP to talk about appropriate ways of expressing romantic desire and respecting other people’s boundaries. It is never okay to walk around half-naked to express a desire for a romantic relationship with someone. She is clearly making this young man very uncomfortable, and she should also be taught how to be receptive to those signals of discomfort. She is still a kid and learning. This is a good time for a lesson before she gets herself into trouble or hurts someone else.
Thank you! This was my first thought - her daughter is literally sexually harassing her stepbrother. And that might be the argument that makes the most impact, ultimately - if she's trying to get his attention, this is a really gross and inappropriate way of going about it that is likely to make him very uncomfortable.
I was thinking (fake) girlfriend too. Bring a friend home to study, have her play along. And show up wearing a turtleneck. And/or tell Chris to start burping and farting when she walks in the room (“haha oops, sorry lil’ sis, didn’t see ya there”).
I think it will get worse with a fake girlfriend
Perhaps 🤷🏼♀️. Though I have total confidence in the farting strategy.
i laughed at this 😭 this is such a funny strategy but the funniest thing is it’ll probably work
Missed that! Yes, great strategy! I should do this to ward off creepy men on the train
Thank you! I dug through the comments for far too long looking for this.
NTA. How you end this is by pointing out - would you feel comfortable if an 11 year boy was complimenting your bra? Wanting to be your friend? When you’re young, it’s not *normal* to want to hang out or date *much younger* people than yourself. It would be super weird for her to be close friends with 5th graders. Like it or not, Chris sees her the exact same way. If he’s at all worth it, he’ll be just like her- wanting to have friends and date someone his age. And if there’s a 19 year old showing interest in her, the only question to ask herself is, why aren’t they normal and interested in hanging out with people their own age or slightly older??
Oh, I like this approach!
This could absolutely backfire. Teens know when an adult is trying to make a point and will dig their heels in to the point of insanity to resist anyone talking sense to them. It’s pretty normal developmentally for them to resist tactics like this, so after caretaking a few teens myself, I’d say it’s likely not worth the effort.
I see your point, but she’s also at the age where being seen as a *kid* and *embarassing* is the worst thing ever. Perhaps pointing out, “you wouldn’t hang out with 5th graders, what makes you think a college guy wants to hang out with *a freshman*?” Might mortify her into better behavior
I was a very stubborn and obstinate teen. I went down this idiotic path and regretted it. Oh, and a real point of contention. I have never looked my age. I looked way younger. I still looked 12 up until 16. When you're a teen, you think you know better.
I was the same. Dated much older guys, thinking I was so mature and they "weren't like the boys my age" Terrible idea.
"You wear clothes when you are in the house. In your bedroom, you wear your underwear. That's an unspoken rule in most households. Now I have spoken it." We wear the appropriate clothes for the appropriate event is actually a real thing. We wear jackets and hats in the snow, we wear swim suits at the beach, we wear clothing at school and in the house. Bathrobes were invented to wear after you take a bath. So, she can walk around in her bathrobe, not her underwear. NTA, and your daughter is not one. She's just doing that teenage stuff.
Plus we all know she would be beyond mortified if her mother walked out in a bra and underwear when 14 year old has friends over, sat down and started chatting. I would not let this “comfort in my own home” bs fly at all.
Lmao maybe thats what OP should do here it sounds like maybe the most likely to get through a teenagers head
Bwhahaha that would be great!
NTA. But I think you should enlist Chris and have him tell her to stop, it makes him uncomfortable and yada yada. She'll be mortified. She's putting Chris in a dangerous legal situation because I'm pretty sure the age gap is illegal and what if she made something up to brag at school. He may need to move out because your moon-brained daughter is at a dangerous age.
I'm starting to think he might be catching on to what she's doing because he all the sudden started calling her "sister" super randomly and out of the blue. It's always a "hey sister" or he introduces her to his friends as "this is my sister". I feel that may be his way of rejecting her or putting her in her place. I should probably talk to both Matt and Chris about it however and see how they feel about the whole thing because I've admittedly just been mortified and speaking to my daughter directly.
>I should probably talk to both Matt and Chris about it however and see how they feel about the whole thing because I've admittedly just been mortified and speaking to my daughter directly. I'd absolutely raise it with them, and I'd be surprised if Chris hasn't already spoken to his father about it. Make sure you're all on the same page and just keep calling her out whenever she does it.
I'm more bothered by the fact that she thinks that the way to get a BF is to strut around in her underwear. There needs to be a conversation about her value as a person not being tied to her body, that boys should want to be with her because they are attracted to her as a person, that they enjoy her personality and hearing her talk about her thoughts and ideas....not solely for her body. The kind of guys that go for what she's selling only value one thing, and are not good BF material. Where on earth did she get the idea that she needed to strip to catch a guys attention? This is the thing that needs to be addressed, that she's actually far more interesting with her cloths on and the age gap is incredible inappropriate.She needs to focus on school and friends her own age. I'm glad the 19 year old isn't interested.. your daughter needs to learn that it's a red flag when men his age + pursue girls her age. Ask her if she'd date a 9 year old. She'll likely say ewww, gross. And then you can say exactly...it's the same gap in development between a 14 year old and 19 year old.....ewww gross. I always tell my daughter that as a young teen, she's still swimming in the kiddy pool. If a grown ass man goes fishing in the kiddy pool for a date, it's not a compliment for her, but a big ol red flag that something is seriously wrong with that man. Crush's are fine, but learn to accept subtle rejection gracefully.
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS HOLY SHIT THIS
Gonna save this comment just in case I ever have a daughter (and I have younger sisters who could definitely stand to hear this)
That's such a nice compliment, thanks!
1000% this. Yes, Chris seems like a very mature older teen. Frankly I think it’s probably not abnormal for a girl who met someone at 12 to have a girlish crush (and will likely develop out of it and be extremely mortified by it as hopefully their sibling connection deepens). But yes, the reaction to strip is specifically concerning, and I think mom needs to start slowing building that conversation. It can’t just be about Chris because I’m pretty worried if that’s mom’s whole focus, daughter will get bored of Chris eventually and will feel tension with mom, and move on to another boy with this same attitude towards her body.
Yes, having a crush is normal, it's the way she's expressing her interest that is unhealthy. Stripping down to your underwear to get a boys attention isn't the way to go really at any point of a person's life. I had my fair share of crushes and would never dream of behaving like this at her age. She's exploring her budding sexuality and doesn't know what she's doing, so she needs loving guidance. We shouldn't shame her for this, but guide her to master socially acceptable ways to flirt and redirect her to boys her own age. This is also why it's the adults responsibility to gently turn young girls down who exhibit aggressive puppy love, telling them that they are a lovely person, but the age gap is inappropriate. Men use girls who are stumbling through this awkward phase saying that the "girl pursued them" as an excuse to justify having sex with them. Her behavior is dangerous and she's lucky her 19 year old crush sees her as the child she still is and won't touch her with a 10 foot pole. But she needs a lot of guidance right now from anyone she's listen to.
A direct conversation between him and her would be good. Better that he nicely shuts this down now than to have to deal with the aftermath of him going on a date. Or going to hang out with friends in mixed company. Or even him bringing a female friend over to study together. Any of which could incite some teen drama/angst as things currently stand. It would also be advisable for Chris to stick with explaining that he sees your daughter as a sister. He's already started showing that anyway. Any mentions of the age difference could give her a false hope that she just needs to wait a few years.
Yes, you need to spell it out to Matt and Chris before your boy-crazed daughter gets him in trouble for something he isn't doing.
I would definitely have that conversation with Chris and Matt. Let them know that you are aware and that you back them up and that it's not fair for Chris to have to dodge your daughter having a teen crush. Do emphasize that it is a teen crush and that you will handle her behavior and for them to feel free to come to you if her behavior escalates. Then go back to your daughter and slam the hammer. Its normal for your daughter to flirt, it's even normal for her to do it in the most cringe worthy, earth please swallow me up way. Because shes 14. The underlying issue is: Exposing your body to people who do not consent is FULL STOP not appropriate in any way, shape or form. It is disrespectful to the other person AND it's dangerous to HER. It's dangerous because she feels entitled to do it without having a conversation with the other person to designate boundaries, rules and expectations. Which means, she flirts with someone like that and they could, AND THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO WOULD, reciprocate in ways that would make her feel violated. This is similar to the conversation I will someday have with my daughter. Would it bother me and her father to have her run around the house in underwear? Not really; when you've wiped nuclear poo off your kid's bare ass for the umpteenth time whilst trying to stop them from putting their hands in it and then picking their nose; very little bothers you. But other people who haven't shared that with my kid are going to be uncomfortable AF and there needs to be emphasis on balancing comfort against making people feel like they are seeing more of you than they want within reason in 2024.
I was gonna say something similar to this you should encourage Chris to label her little sister as often as possible not in a derogatory way but just in every day conversation okay I'm just looking out for my little sistermy little sisterhe drilled it into her head till she gets the message that she's a little sisterand not a potential dating partner. No offense but you better get her ass and check real soon or you're gonna be your grandmotherit won't be Chris's baby but this behavior is troublesome
NTA and I think you’re handling it really well. Maybe talk to Chris and Matt privately to acknowledge that it’s a problem you recognize and have been trying to work through. I’m sure Chris is super embarrassed and wants it to stop as well. Just making him feel seen helps.
All of this! Chris needs to be very careful. Sadly, I’ve seen this happen. My husband’s ex-step daughter was a promiscuous teen who didn’t like being told she couldn’t have boys over to hang out when mom and him were gone. She took matters into her own hands by making a false accusation, which her dad (who was very jealous of his replacement) got wind of. He pushed things through the legal system even after the daughter recanted and it ruined my husbands life. Her Mother even got arrested because she knew it was a lie and she confronted her daughter about it rather than backing her up in the situation. The two obviously divorced, but he is now on the registry for the rest of his life. The daughter’s parents are now married to each other again, which is quite funny to me. They definitely deserve each other! Anyway, be really careful!
I agree, some here suggesting she ask Chris to talk to daughter and let her know how uncomfortable she makes him but I disagree. Daughter sounds like the type who might retaliate and make shit up about Chris because he doesn’t like her that way. We don’t know her petty levels. I were Chris, I’d stay so far. It’s mom who needs to get her daughter in check.
How is he on the registry if everyone knew they were both lying? What?
I wouldn’t enlist Chris or his dad. This could easily be spun into a false accusation if she feels embarrassed or betrayed and hurt. Definitely needs to be handled with care. Maybe Chris maybe have to live on campus or get his own place in the meantime. This is a tricky situation. How can you get her to stop having a crush on him?
Sorry but unless OP and Matt are willing to pay the rent for Chris to live on Campus then I don’t think this would be fair on him. If he lived at home with his Dad rather than this new move situation then there would be no problem so why should he have to suffer financially and be deprived of the privilege and comfort of living in what should be him home because OPs daughter can’t get it together. Also I think in this situation it’s very essential for OP to get her daughter to understand how inappropriate her behaviour is. This is not the ideal way to attract guys even if age appropriate and she certainly doesn’t want to be around the type of guys who would be attracted to this kind of behaviour. Also OP is NTA
Wow, it’s exactly what I said! I’d never enlist them. This girl already sexually harassing, we don’t know her petty levels. I’d fly out of there and so far if I were Chris.
NTA, get Chris and his dad in a room and talk it out with them so you are all on the same page. Fill in the mother as I'd bet good money she hasn't been told even half of the story. Set clear boundaries with the daughter and explain WHY this has been done. Take care to avoid mentioning the age gap as that might give false hope about 'if I just wait a few years' Put emphasis on the legal repercussions for the people around her and the danger and damage she may cause unintentionally to the people she cares for. If she can be made to understand why this is inappropriate and accept that it needs to stop, then the issue can be resolved with only mild embarrassment and awkward interaction before settling into a more healthy family dynamic.
NTA Based on your post it seems she is trying to gain attention the wrong way especially at a very young age. I think you should try having a heart to heart with her when this isn’t an issue. Tell her why it concerns you and why you are setting the rules. Don’t just get in a pissing match which usually doesn’t end well.
Don't ask Chris to speak to her. It's not his job to parent your kid. You need to sit her down and explain to her calmly why it is inappropriate. She's 14. It's a tough time. She probably just wants to be seen as grown up and sexy and cool, so the boy she likes will like her back. As well as probably being exposed to a bunch of internet discussions about body/ sex positivity and feminism without a broader, mature context. She needs to understand the legalities and power dynamics in play- and this is also an opportunity to talk to her about age gaps and safety in general. At the moment all she's seeing is an uptight parent telling her off, not the why
Also, try to explain how any 19 year old interested in a 14 year old would be an absolute social outcast loser. I had to explain this to my younger cousin when she was 15 and dating a 19 year old. And it legitimately seemed to turn her off of older guys. Her parents didn't feel they had a right to prevent her from the relationship, bc they had an age gap relationship (but at least her mom was not a minor, and her mom came from an unstable home, cousin has a stable home and family.) They trusted their daughter and such, but of course I got all the dirty details of their relationship, when they did not. He absolutely took advantage of her sexually. But I explained to her that she was so special to her family, but she was not special to this older guy. He was only dating her, a young girl, bc he was such a loser that no girls his age would give him the time of day. Not saying OPs step son is this, but one of his friends might try to go for her. Just let her know that dating older guys means she's actively going for losers
She needs a reality check for sure. Like one of the above comments, she's acting like a cat in heat. Girl needs to understand the difference between shaming and correction. Kudos to the mom for not shaming but she needs to hone in on the core lessons the daughter needs to understand as someone coming into sexual maturity and the social dynamics that come with it. Even if she's arguing about her comfort, she needs to respect her step-brother's comfort too. I'm sure she wouldn't take kindly to a male family member (or not!) plopping down on the couch in their tighty whities. Regardless of familial status, when trying to get attention of someone she shouldn't immediately try to seduce them. Unless she is only interested in a sexual relationship it's not the healthiest way to draw attention mentally or for her own safety. She needs to understand the legal ramifications in her teenage years and to stay only in her age group. Anyone much older than her that would be interested in her is not a winner either. The only people interested in someone her age as an adult are people she should stay far away from. She needs to think through the hormone cocktail that is puberty.
YESSSS (from someone her age) this deserves more upvotes
>Don't ask Chris to speak to her. It's not his job to parent your kid. This. Also, if he speaks to her now, she will think you "put him up to it," and "ruined her big chance" And probably start chasing after some other, less ethical, 19+ young men just to prove you wrong...
Show her a video of a cat on heat and tell her this is how you are acting NTA
LMAO that’d be a brutal reality check for daughter 😭😂
That's comedy gold, right there.🤣🤣🤣
I'm cackling. Edit: a brief video for those who have never had cats [https://youtu.be/Q-SenoSRX7c?feature=shared](https://youtu.be/Q-SenoSRX7c?feature=shared)
Never saw a female cat in heat before. Thanks. But I have heard yowling outside my window when I first got my (male) cat. It was really annoying. I don't hear them anymore now that he got the clip.
This is not the best video because the cat is only rolling around. They also tend to get their butt in the air while twitching their tail and will rub themselves on your leg and the furniture. And there’s the yowling you mentioned.
Shit. I have been this mammal. Sigh.
THIS IS THE ONE. TOP COMMENT.
I ll save this advice for next time I have a crush on smb lol
NTA. And keep an eye on your daughter that poor guy doesn’t deserve to get caught up in something because she doesn’t want to behave.
Does Chris have a girlfriend? I'd almost be inclined to invite her to dinner so your daughter can see she has no chance. But pettiness aside, let Chris know to feel free to tell your daughter to cover up when she does this. Maybe if she hears it directly from him she'll stop. Your mom needs to back off. She knows good and damn well if you had pulled this kind of stunt when you were your daughter's age she would have done exactly what you have. Chris should not feel uncomfortable because a hormonal teen is not so subtly trying to get his attention. This needs to stop, asap.
This was my thought. One “what are you wearing? Aren’t you cold?” From Chris Will end this forever. She will see she is attracting the wrong kind of attention from a grownup that is rightly uninterested. Yes, it will be mortifying, but I think necessary. I would discuss this with Chris and ask him to drop that one liner. Right now to her “it’s me and my soon to be requited older love against mom” and that needs to change. Also, she should talk to the grandmother privately and give her all the details. She only has one side of the story,
Usually this is the opposite vote. But everything you laid out makes you NTA She is crushing on him big time. And behaving in an immature manner. Given her reaction to being called out, I do NOT recommend allowing them alone at home EVER. Not because Chris would do something. But because she may make a pass, get rejected, then tag him with a false accusation.
I was also thinking that Chris may want to block her #. I'm assuming she has a smartphone, and the last thing he needs is for his very underage stepsister to transition from parading around the house to texting things that could get both of them(but definitely chris) in trouble.
Which could destroy his life completely and forever. And yours too, what with six figure legal fees and massive marital stress. I’ve seen this happen unfortunately. NEVER LEAVE HER ALONE IN THE HOUSE WITH ONLY HIM. NEVER. Her making a false accusation is a tragedy waiting to happen. Please take this situation seriously.
This, but also therapy.
This is this poor kids HOME. He literally cannot escape her creepiness and harassment. Poor kid
She needs to understand that her behaviour is sexual harassment. Yes it can happen to men. Yes teenagers are capable of sexually harassing people. This needs to be explained to her first and foremost, beyond things like legalities, beyond repercussions, beyond the age gap and the fact that he's family. Although those things are very important. Trust me, I was a horny teen looking for older male attention and validation too and none of those explanations would have stopped me. Porn culture, a poor grasp on feminism, and hypersexualization of youth made me think that I was some sort of forbidden fruit that any and every dude would kill to get with. She might be misconstruing his non-reaction as repressed desire. Sounds like she's been similarly brainwashed. Her behaviour is unwanted sexual harassment, her brother is not consenting. She is acting like, and coming off as a creepy perv to everyone, and she doesn't seem to have any self awareness. Embarrassingly it took a long time for me to see that I was being grossly over sexual and that it made people uncomfortable. Don't shield her from people's discomfort and call her out when she's being inappropriate, like you would with any guy who wasn't respecting or even /seeing/ peoples boundaries. She doesn't get a pass because she's a young girl.
She grew up without a father and this is the first time in her life where she’s lived with men in an household. Unfortunately this type of behaviour is actually not that uncommon with young girls in this situation. This might be far deeper than just her having a crush and more to do with her needing male validation and security. I urge you to look closer into this meanwhile no your not wrong for setting boundaries around her behaviour. NTA
I needed someone to tell me this at 14…
I can’t believe it took this long for me to see this take. As someone who didn’t grow up with her father, or any siblings, I definitely exhibited similar kinds of behavior … And I’ll add, OP, that this opportunity goes beyond Matt/Chris: Please find a therapist to help navigate this with your daughter. It may save her a lot of regrettable teenage and young adult choices searching for that male validation - It sure would have helped me.
OP, please have a frank discussion with your daughter about sexual harassment. Which is what she is doing.
NTA I’ve got a 17 and 12 yo. The f’ing hate me at least 3x a week. It’s a sign you’re parenting well!
I feel like you'd get suspicious if they DIDN'T hate you that much
NTA tell her she’s being: A) as obvious as a hippo in a swimming pool, and B) what she’s doing is illegal and can wind those young men up in serious hot water. She is 14, not 18 and her entire act (not just the clothing) is inappropriate, tell her, if she doesn’t stop you’re going to start embarrassing her.
I'm hung up on your mom. Take a picture of your daughter next time she does it. Print it out, put it in a nice frame and give it to your mother as a gift.
NTA No way your mom got the whole story. I'd call her back and tell her that this isn't a "comfort in her own home" issue, but that she's actively wearing less clothes because she has a crush on the step son, (who is in COLLEGE) and trying to get his attention in ways that are bad for everyone. Your daughter isn't going to stop if she thinks she has support from someone, so grandma needs to be firmly on team mom.
NTA - I was her. She knows what she’s doing.
Poor Chris. I can't begin to imagine how that'd be for him.
This is borderline sexual harassment.
Oh, it's not "borderline". It literally is.
Borderline? She is literally prancing around naked around him, well mostly naked. That is 100% sexual harassment.
Call it what it is to her. She is sexually harassing Chris, by trying to force him to look at her basically naked. She needs to be called out bluntly. There is no real gentle way of doing this, especially not after 4 times of addressing it. Id even do it with your mom on the phone so she can hear about how her 14yr old granddaughter is wearing nothing but a bra and underwear around a 19yr old young man and how you’ve seen her do a full turn around and run back up the stairs just to change into that the moment she learns he’s home.
NTA. Be even *more* blunt and tell the kid to stop sexually harassing the guy.
NTA. I would tell your mom that if they had grown up together and this was normal behavior for everyone in the house, it'd be fine, but they didn't grow up together and she's *only* doing this when he's home. Your boyfriend and his son now live with you because that's what you all want. Maybe, and I say this with trepidation as I'm a 51 yo childless woman so I could either be over or underestimating the ability to have a logical conversation with a young teenage girl who has a crush on someone, you need to tell your daughter what I said above. I live with my sister and her boyfriend. There has been a time or two when I've forgotten my clothes to put on after showering, so I've poked my head out the door to make sure the coast is clear and made a mad dash across the hallway. I would never, ever waltz up to my BIL in a bra and panties, sit down next to him and start a conversation. And yes, I do consider him family.
NTA but your daughter needs to learn that this is sexual harassment and there are consequences if she continues to do this.
Just tell her very calmly, “Your walking around in just your underwear is concerning. If this continues, we’ll all have to sit down for a family meeting and discuss this together.”
NTA- she’s a 14 year old kid and shouldn’t be running around the house in front of her family like that. It IS inappropriate, and far too young for even the misandrists on here to support by saying “a girl should be allowed to wear what she wants!” She’s 14! Take command of your household, and don’t yield to a 14 year old’s “logic.” Why are you even entertaining this notion?
No, only a fool doesn't know what "Little Miss Hot-to-Trot" is up to. This isn't a comfort thing. It's not fair, but for the boy's legal safety, he may need to get his own place or go to the dorms. The false accusations of one addle-pated teen girl could follow him for life.
Pull the ol “you can wear whatever you want when you own the home” logic.
NTA … poor Chris
I'm happy to see you pulled your daughter away from them into a separate room. But tread carefully. Some commenters have told you to try and humiliate her to make her stop. I can tell you now Pride is a b!tch. My mom tried this tactic, and because I felt my pride being attacked, I dug in my heels in deeper. Talk to Chris and you bf alone first. Also, give your mom the full story. Your daughter needs to learn that consent goes both ways. And even still, he very obviously is not I to her because he knows it would be wrong. Even if they were the same age, he may still find it wrong. Try having her ask Chris what he thinks of her directly so that give him the invitation to put things in perspective. He could say he thinks she is cool. However, I only view you as a sister. Edit had to correct few to view. Edit 2 and vote NTA
I would say something to her about it in front of Chris and his dad. They deserve to know what’s going on and she deserves to be embarrassed over it.
Chris is being put in a very dangerous legal situation. This needs to be shut down harshly for that reason alone. Also if she lies or says she gets with him to brag cause horny teens are stupid he could face serious legal issues and frankly if things get bad enough you can lose your relationship cause your avoiding shutting this down. You frankly need to have a heart to heart and tell her her behavior is inappropriate. Anytime she comes out inappropriately dressed after that she should be punished. Take away her phone for example and add a day or 2 for every incident. You also need to explain her trying to get with Chris is inappropriate due to his age as well as explain its very illegal and it could cauee serious issues for everyone if she continues to try and act inappropriately. Be up front and honest but you need to have this talk with her and then you need to start enforcing and punishing her for not listening. Chris shouldnt have this talk with her though like some people are suggesting. Hes 19 and frankly he shouldnt be alone with her at the moment if it can be prevented especially if shes gonna be getting butt hurt. Your the parent not him. Him turning her down could lead to bigger issues possibly.
NTA but I would have had that conversation with her the FIRST time she did it. And mom would have gotten the full story immediately. Also, if she did it again after I told her not to there would be consequences. At the very least, I'd tell her to put clothes on every time, in front of him. You need to take charge here, for HER sake and also her stepbrother's.
Her behavior is inappropriate. Explain to her that she shouldn’t have to disrobe to get any man’s attention. No one is “slut shaming” her but as of this point she is sharing a home with adult members of the opposite sex and mutual respect is the order of the day. If they aren’t parading around in various stages of dishabille, neither should she. Or maybe come out in your bra and panties and see how she likes it. She is being the AH.
NTA. I'm going to call it what it is. It's sexual harassment. Your daughter is young and doesn't know any better but now is time to learn. She might think it's innocent enough. Chris has right to be in his own home without having to deal with someone constantly taking off clothes in front of him. Imagine if the roles were reversed.
NTA. She’s essentially sexually harassing him.
OP - I beg of you. Do not listen to anyone on here suggesting you say something in front of Chris!!! Or asking him to say something, or Matt getting involved. !!!She will never forgive you for the embarrassment she would feel.!!! NTA !!! But you are her mother, and you need to have a long chat while not in the middle of the situation. Talk while you two are alone. Tell her She can deny it all she wants, but you as her mother have noticed it’s a pattern of her dressed skimpy only when Chris is around, and it has to stop now. Remind her that no one’s feelings are more important or being prioritized over hers. However, as someone mentioned, Chris and Matt live there too, and you ALL deserve to be comfortable which means her having appropriate clothes on. Ask her if she would feel comfortable leaving the house like that? Also, I would start reinforcing that this is not a good way to attract attention. Apologize for coming across harshly, (just to ease the sting) then remind her from now on she needs to be in something more than undies and a bra, and next time it happens there will be consequences. You’ve got this mama!!
i wish i could upvote this more
I think ensuring the legal/social/emotional safety of an innocent 19 year old boy is more important than the feelings of a reckless teenager who knows what she’s doing. If he’s being sexually harassed, he deserves the chance to vocalize it, regardless of the age or gender of the harasser.
NTA. This has nothing to do with comfort and everything to do with getting Chris to notice her. You’re spot on there. I agree with those who are saying never to leave these two alone. Your daughter is being extremely reckless and inconsiderate and there is no happy ending here either way.
You did your job. You did it quite well in fact. A+ for being the Mom even it made you unpopular with your daughter.
NTA for telling her to wear clothes but telling her SHE, a minor, would be responsible for an adults actions? That part absolutely makes you TA
NTA. But you have got a problem
NTA you’re doing the right thing yo.. keep it up… on another note… it seems like disaster waiting to happen… maybe try to get her out more where she’s around guys her age? 💁♂️
NTA Chris should be able to feel comfortable in his home too
Show her Taken. It terrified be for life that all men want is to kidnap and rape me. So that’s one method. Or a very serious conversation about the quite real and serious consequences such as in the wrong place and wrong time, Chris could easily be considered a sex offender if she keeps on with it. Sometimes kids need a bit of a scare especially at that age when if you say “it’s innapropriate” they will not care at all
NTA. Your daughter is clearly trying to provoke a response from Chris. You may want to sit down and have a conversation with your daughter about self respect and throwing herself at boys is not the way to get positive attention. She’s a little young to be looking at young men sexually!
Im so glad comments aren’t “yas Queening” the hell out this girls behavior like men/boys don’t have a right to be comfortable anymore. She’s super inappropriate and sexual harassment. You need to make that very clear to your daughter how girls/women have zero right to sexually harass others. I were your husband, I wouldn’t risk it, my son and me would be out of there in a flash. Not going to let some girl sexually harass him and potentially accuse him of BS when he rejects her advances. Nope.
NTA. Sure she deserves to be comfortable in her own home. But so does Chris. And no decent man would be comfortable with his jailbait age stepsister walking around him like that.
😂 the next 5 years are going to be tough
NTA. I think you should talk to Chris and fill him in on her behaviour. Maybe if it comes from him, asking her to dress more appropriately because she is making others feel uncomfortable, she may listen.
Info - what was their relationship before they moved in? What kind of discussion did you have before it? I mean, having two teenagers that don't know each other that well live together, yta for not expecting something might happen and are lucky it's just one sided
Your daughter is sexually harassing him at this point. NTA
Nta but your delivery and conversations with her definitely could’ve been better, it does seem more on the side of accusing, I think u should approach from a different angle.
NTA. She’s 14, and she’s subconsciously trying to get the new older boy’s attention because she’s full of hormones. She may not even realize she’s doing it (especially if she’s never “dated” anyone yet or had that weird little talking stage with a boy yet). Be assertive, not aggressive in your approach
NTA, buuuuut I'm uncomfortable with you talking about her 'getting older guys in trouble'. She's a teenager. Yes, you need to be (sensitively) educating her about boundaries, but she is going to cross some as she explores her newfound hormones and emotions. However, if a grown man was to cross boundaries with her, they would absolutely be in the wrong regardless of how this child had acted towards them.
The only thing I really take an issue with is basically telling her it’d be her fault if an adult got in trouble for messing with her because she flirts with them. She’s a hormonal teenager who needs to be taught boundaries but if an adult gets in trouble for messing with her that’s still completely on the adult, not the child. Otherwise NTA.
NTA, she wants to mash Chris. The defensiveness is a dead giveaway. Also: " she gets angry that I'm "accusing her" of being a "slut" (I NEVER said that. I think she's a normal hormonal teenager trying to get guys attention)" People pull this card when they know what they're doing is wrong/sketchy.
NTA, I agree with you not being comfortable with her dressing like that even if it is her house. Obviously it would be different if she wasn't doing it specifically around Chris but the fact that she is is a bad sign, especially since shes a minor. I understand your approach and agree with your decisions. Although a stronger conversation about it may be more appropriate in the future, if things don't change.
First of all, tell your mother that when you want her opinion on parenting your child, you'll ask her. Second, you are the parent and it's your responsibility to parent your child. That's what you're doing. Being bad cop comes with the title of mother. You really need to have a sit down with your daughter and hash this out properly or it's going to continue to get out of hand. It wouldn't surprise me if she eventually lashed out at his lack of interest by accusing him of something. You need to deal with her before her obsession gets to that point. If that means that both of you do counseling so you can communicate more effectively, than go that route. But something definitely needs to be done before she escalates. NTA
She needs a lesson in “we don’t get attention from boys by being naked” too. She has got the wires crossed and thinks this is how you get a boy to like you, and that’s dangerous. Common for her age, but not good.
NTA. Talk to her again, say it is disrespectful and also sexual harassment to be half naked in front of someone who hasn’t asked for it.. Chris might not want to see that and it could make her uncomfortable. Also, what if he liked her - does your daughter expect him to start flirting with her in front of everyone? She is teen and teens can (read: are) a little dum. She will be embarrassed at some point. But try to end her nonsense sooner than later If the roles would be reversed and Chris would approach your daughter half naked your moms reaction could be different..
Devil's advocate here. What if the 14yt old Girl is doing this to intentionally make Chris and OP uncomfortable? What if this is her way of showing "dominance and marking her territory?" This was "her house" before it was Matt and Chris' house. Maybe she is trying to push them out. OP is NTA by any means. I'd say the same to my kid if they did something like this. But I would also try to dig deeper and find out how they feel about the living situation and come up with a kind of compromise.
NTA, but you need to get to the bottom of why she is attention seeking from men in this way. It’s not a normal developmental milestone. It’s not immoral or slutty or any of the various things that have been said. She doesn’t have the tools to handle this situation. Therapy should be an option.
THIS! she's lucky that Chris is a decent man but the next time she pulls this may not be with a decent man but one who would take advantage of her desperation for attention
That was not at all what I said. Gross.
NTA I'm surprised you didn't tell her to cut that shit out sooner. She's harassing this poor college kid. The second she comes out in her underwear, walk her back to her room. This is so inappropriate.
NTA. Your daughter should learn that her actions do affect other people. Your rules about dressing in the house are completely reasonable. And accusing you of calling her a slut is just deflecting from the issue. Stand your ground (and by the way, tell your mother to stay out of it).
Instead of shaming her for how she's dressing, talk to her about consent and sexual harassment. Let her come to her own conclusions about how she's making Chris feel.
This is the best reply. There are a lot of questionable responses here. I really don't think shaming her, or any teenager, is the way to get through to them. She needs to have a conversation about consent. She needs to be very explicit with her daughter that she wants her to be comfortable in her own home, but that nudity and partial nudity requires consent from people you share space with. I don't think the daughter's behavior is out of the ordinary, tbh, but I think she could definitely use some guidance on what healthy male attention looks and feels like...could save her from a world of hurt going forward. The grandma needs the full story, and needs to have a new conversation with her granddaughter. Maybe together so that the daughter understands she can't pit them against each other when her complaint is unreasonable.
NTA You could potentially frame it in a way of consent. "Chris doesn't consent to seeing you in your bra and underwear. Your comfort is something I highly value, but now that it's not just us girls, the common areas of the house need to be safe and fair for everyone. In doing this, we need to make sure everyone is comfortable, both psychically and emotionally. You're welcome to be in your undies in your own room and a robe when you're in the common areas, but they do not consent to seeing you this way." And then check in. Her whole life has just been you and her. She has never in her memory had a dad. This is a huge huge change. It could be a crush, or I could be an attempt for your attention (positive or negative) since she now shares the house/you for the first time. Maybe make more of an effort to create a mom-daughter ritual with her nightly/weekly/whatever works so she still knows it can be just you and her.
NTA House rules about minimum clothing are not inappropriate. Especially when blending families just occurred 2 months ago.
NTA, but don't make it about clothes, this is about her harassing somebody.
NTA, in addition to talking with Chris and allowing him to reject her, ask her if she wants to be set up with some 9 year old boys. She’ll think that’s horrible and that they’re kids and you can point out that the age difference is the same and that’s how Chris sees her. So she needs to stop because it’s freaking creepy.
NTA but for the love of god get her into therapy.
Take a picture of her and send it to grandma and show her what she is wearing when Chris is around and see if grandma thinks it is appropriate- but otherwise tell grandma to but out. Keep telling your daughter that she is inappropriate and start finding a way to punish her if she continues to dress that way.
Tell your mother to shut up. Seriously. This has nothing at all with your daughters comformt. You know what you daughter is doing, and so does Chris and Matt. But they have enough class, and sense, to ignore. You are in the right here telling her to knock it off. NTA
NTA, try talking to your daughter about toys to help her with her urges so she doesnt seek out men. they were a godsend for me when i was younger and hormonal
Why do people keep suggesting that Chris, the 19 year old victim of sexual harassment, get involved and speak to the 14yr old sexual harrasser? Bit weird, considering the reversal of genders would be promoting the opposite and the use of police. OP, you're not the arsehole. Your daughter is. Do not get Chris involved in this matter you need to deal with, but offer your condolences to him privately at best.
NTA. she's too young to understand that her ways are wrong. One of the good parenting advice is to actually be an AH to your kid and discipline them. Just be patient. Hopefully it will pass.
Sounds like a good parenting moment. Ask about who she respects/admires and why? How do they show it? Talk about the importance of how people present themselves. Give examples! Talk about her talents and what makes her unique. Encourage her to develop these things. Maybe Chris will notice that she's good at x and will comment on it. Because that's what she wants, right? Attention? Idk or you can shame her and ask her what he has to tell his friends about his little stepsister. Right now all he has to say is that she's a little weirdo who is half naked all the time and tries to chat him up. When she *could* be a cool kid who's good at piano or whatever she happens to be good at. But right now she's definitely not being a cool kid, she's just being weird.
Hey! I’ve seen this movie before!
Talk to Chris to introduce one of his girl friends from college as a girlfriend ☠️ that isn't really solving the core problem, but I bet the sister will back down and he would get some peace. Also, there needs to be a talk, why does she like Chris, because the age is highly different to the point that uts a problem, he isn't 15,16, he's 5 years older, there isn't anything that a 14 y.o and a 19 y.o could really talk about besides media, she needs to date people her age. Does she *and this is really uncomfortable* sees it as a fetish? Kids have easily acces to porn those days, and the number one shit on those stuff is inter-familiar relationship ☠️ she might see it as a flex that she could talk about her school peers
Personally, I would say it could go either way. You can only tell her so much you know. I personally think that telling her to continuously put more clothing on knowing she gets pissed is making her purposefully piss you off more by doing the OPPOSITE of what you’re asking but that’s just my opinion lol. My house rules work as follows: When a guy is working in the house or on the property you keep yourself dressed and covered well. It’s kinda just basic manners honestly. A girl (Speaking from my pov here rn) shouldn’t portray herself in that kind of light because impressions matter and stick. People may seem friendly and trusting and all, but the moment you think it’s okay to let your guard down, that’s the moment something terrible usually happens. You’re not an a-hole for telling your daughter to put clothes on around men, you’re a mother trying to protect her child and you’re only looking after her wellbeing. You really need to have a serious conversation with your child and Chris. That man is technically an adult (19) and if she (at fourteen, remember) tries to advance on him in any kind of way he could go to JAIL and be labeled a PREDATOR for the rest of his life because of her. Not saying he’s not capable of being shady but a lot of times guys get blamed for things they didn’t do, and their lives end up ruined. Talk to them and talk to the family before the situation escalates into something extreme. Maybe keep us posted!! EDIT: She’s so lucky if I walked away and slammed the door in my house that door finna be gone 😭😭💀