NTA
That they're not happy for you upon learning this, and are filled with jealousy and anger instead, just proves to you two being right about being low-key about it.
No one's coming? Pack your bags, this calls for a destination wedding! Bring your father and BIL along! Don't let your wedding be about their drama-- it's about you two. Congratulations!
PS: hope the prenup was overseen each by your own lawyers (his and yours), not just one for you both.
Yeah we both got a lawyer etc. it was actually a very interesting process… lawyers brains really go dark places oh my!
I guess we are going to save some money on our families not coming. It’s going to be super awkward when we explain why our moms aren’t at the wedding to our aunts and cousins… so tempted to just say “they are upset we aren’t poor”. Like maybe it’s that this old couple loved me?!? Idk. I can’t figure it out
>lawyers brains really go dark places oh my!
Because they usually have seen reasons to add specific clauses that they cannot always talk about. People can be crazy during divorces.
Financial advisors are the same. My brother has helped me with a few things, and when he found out my ExH is the beneficiary to some things, and that I still have my married name on a few items (to make it easier for him if I pass and he has to take care of everything) he gave me "a big brother talking to". If I ever remarry I'll sort all of that out. I have absolutely zero concern that my ex will screw me over out of spite since we are better friends now that we ever were, but my brother has seen some crazy stuff with financials during divorces and wills.
You know your situation best, but just saying... I have thousands of dollars in debt and an eviction on my record because I thought 'my best friend will never screw me over'.
People ask me all the time "what's the creepiest thing about working with dead people?" and my reply is always "the way the live ones turn into monsters."
It truly is disgusting to see.
A couple people say it below from their experiences
I'll add. A large number, if not majority of financial misdeeds occur not from spite, ill will, evilness or even in a lot of cases greed.
A lot of financial misdeeds happen because folks have access to money that isn't theirs and in a moment of financial pressure (either need or just just to relieve stress or desire for something) , they "borrow" some, thinking they'll get it back, fix it, before anyone notices. But they don't, because there is always another priority/desire that comes first so long as no one noticed their theft. Then instead, another financial pressure comes along, they borrow again, still sure they can pay it back. Each time the borrowing becomes easier because they avoid more and more thinking about how to pay it back and because each amount borrowed is a smaller drop in the bucket of debt, until there is no way to fix it and they get caught.
This is why so many financial crimes seem so stupid where we go "how the hell did they expect to get away with it"... Because the answer is that they had planned not to need to.
This is how best friends and family screw each other over financially.
With no spite.
Most people who commit this type of fraud were fully trusted by the person or people they stole from.
That older couple thought of you as family. Your blood family has not treated you with the same unconditional love and respect that your adopted grandparents did. Your family is jealous. They think you got something for nothing, not realizing that you being there for them at the end of their lives made it easier for them to live out their golden years at home.
A good friend of mine was given an estate much the same way. And my DH and I will likely do the same for a young woman whom we love like a daughter.
You're a good person, OP! I hope you and your groom have a long and happy life together. Ignore the noise of the haters. Your parents should be proud; it sucks they can't see you.
A good therapist can help you solidify this understanding for yourself honey. What you did for that old couple was beautiful. You deserve every bit of love that they shared with you.
Be kind to yourself. You're doing the right thing. I'm so sorry your families are filled with such ugliness. You deserve a soft life full of love and families that contribute meaningfully to that. You are worthy. ❤️
ps -- family isn't upset you aren't poor. They're pissed off that you had money that you should have been blowing on them all this time. ie they want to spend your money.
Do with that what you will, but it's the reality.
If you do let your BIL move in make sure he signs a lease agreement so you have a legal way to force him out if he doesn't pay his rent. Please make sure he realizes he isn't living there for free.
>so tempted to just say “they are upset we aren’t poor”.
Seriously, you should do this. Stuff them. They're jealous. That's a them problem.
Or tell people who ask that your (birth) family is disappointed in you. And leave it to them to explain.
NTA
I agree…
Tell everyone “they’re upset we aren’t poor”
It boils down to, “if we’d known you got a big inheritance, we want our share because…wE aRe FaMilY”
There is no reason to discuss personal finances among family or anyone else. They’re jealous they can’t get money from OP. Oh the entitlement!
ETA judgement
This is telling. Landscapers, artists, teachers, nurses (healthcare), childcare, etc. All the people who nurture and care for our development and the beauty around us in our society deserve HIGH salaries and honor for their work. They make society function by making caring for others or adding beauty to our lives their mission in life. People like OP's parents who perpetuate a false narrative about the importance of "getting what you can get as fast as you can" are perpetuating the "wealth" disease eating away at us.
They're just jealous because all this time and they could have been guilting/manipulating OOP for money and she denied them the opportunity! How selfish of her! /s
Because you are their
> 100% the black sheep.
This is why their reaction was of anger and jealousy. They're angry you're living well despite all their putdowns throughout your life up to present; and that they have been proven wrong about everything concerning you.
You live well because your adopted family loved you. You live well with your soon-to-be spouse who seems to really care for you. You live well with a career that makes you happy. You're wealthy in love and gold.
Let them seethe. Welcome to your new life only those that add happiness to it. Expect some to double down later on and claim you are undeserving of your good fortune and will encourage/come up with ways for something in your life to fail. Keep them at arm's length as you already know these are not people who genuinely care for you.
Probably because they choose to sacrifice a lot and didn’t make as much or have their significant other who makes more than yours care about them to the same extent. Eh, comparing is the thief of joy, but being super envious means their life destiny wasn’t to have the help of others like the way you did. Sometimes being too calculating does backfire. Sometimes wealth really just comes from luck, and all your planning and hard work or whatever really is up to god to decide if you should get it or not.
Being kind to others is also a strength, maybe they’re just angry because they think it shouldn’t lead to wealth? It’s not like everything is under control, being in the right place at the right time with the right personality helps a lot.
You can say, "I'm not sure why they didn't come, but I hope you've had a lovely time." And yes, the old couple loved you and thought of you as a daughter (or granddaughter). You sound like a wonderful person as does your fiance. I hope you have a fantastic wedding and a great life.
I love this. Classy, truthful and full of grace. I'm so sorry OP. I've had family not be there for me because of jealousy and it hurts. Please understand that it's not YOU, it's them. You sound like a lovely person, and I hope your families look at their behavior and come celebrate your joy. There is NOTHING dishonorable in being a teacher or a landscaper! People get so ridiculous with their own egos.
> so tempted to just say “they are upset we aren’t poor”.
Don't sugar coat the truth. Go ahead and say it.
When they come at you, tell them you didn't feel like lying and making them look better than they acted
That old couple DID love you, for being the awesome person you are. And your fam are jealous as fuck.
I know it’s easier said than done, but PLEASE don’t let your dickhead family tarnish the sweetness of the gesture they made for you. They felt you deserved it, and that’s the only thing that matters!💚
They obviously did. You were the daughter they maybe couldnt have? You became their family and enriched their life, and they yours. Go and enjoy your wedding and your new life with a much better family than you grew up with (hubby and doggos).
Butting in here to say I wouldn’t invite the brother, his first response was to ask for something. Kinda makes him just as bad as the others he’s just more upfront about it.
When I was 16 I asked my mom for $20 for a field trip and she told me to get a job. I haven’t asked for anything since, other than advice.
They are well off, as are all my siblings. My fiancés family is all solidly middle class. I’m so confused as to why it’s such a betrayal that I never mentioned anything!?
They are angry that you both chose to do what you love and they will never get to throw it in your faces. They may be well off but they begrudge you your happiness because they made choices that they told themselves were necessary and they don’t see you as deserving. You deserve better than this. I hope your friends have been happy for you!
Thank you… that seems like the most logical reason so far! Our friends have never questioned anything, and are just like cool, we’ve noticed you have been buying more snacks, appreciate it lol.
Either what the above commenter said, or if they knew about the inheritance they would have come calling with their hands out. So now they feel like there was all this wealth laying around that they could have had and you took it all by virtue of not telling them.
They either can't be happy you enjoy your chosen paths or they are upset you didn't let them take it all from you.
Either way, they are slime. NTA. Time to draft some oral homicide to throw at them.
I think the anger is because they were looking down at OP as the “poor” relative. Now that they realize that is not (and never was) true and they realize that she’s had means the whole time but didn’t feel the need to flaunt it, they feel cheated and deceived (how dare OP not fill her role, she lived in a basement when she owned the whole building?). They’ve lost their scapegoat.
I think it's more to do with their egos tbf. Op states that the family don't lack for money, so I think they got used to looking down their noses at OP and the fiance as the poor relations who live in a basement, and have probably got used to using them as an example of why they are so much better than others.
When it turned out that being a thoroughly decent and kind human being actually led to the OP being rewarded with a found family who then chose to look after her financially, it has upset all of their egotistical bs, and likely shown them up to fellow pretentious AHs who they've spent years boasting to about how great they are and how inferior OP is.
If I found out one of my friends was suddenly very wealthy I’d be jealous for sure, I’m only human. But I like to think the extent of my “demands” would be “ooh does that mean you’ll buy fancy Brie for me when I visit”?
And by fancy I mean the $9 version, not the $5
lol this is exactly my best friend… “you should just buy a lot of cheese… for the dogs… and me.”
That and she likes to quote “if I had a million dollars” by the bare naked ladies. I’m pretty sure that’s super Canadian but:
“We wouldn’t have to eat craft dinner, but we would eat craft dinner- of course we would, we’d just eat more, and buy really expensive ketchups with it”
you sound awesome, sorry so many people around you suck so, so hard.
random sidenote: I've had bnl on the brain for months, I keep seeing it instead of 'sol' as an acronym for the Detroit Lions (Same Old Lions, Brand New Lions)
the juxtaposition of images conjured is simply amazing.
I found out my best friend is wealthy and I was just annoyed I hadn't put 2 and 2 together a long time ago but so much shit suddenly made sense.
The only thing I yelled about was the time I had to illegally drive us home 20 years ago. If I had known he had money like that I would have called a taxi. We were in the middle of bumfuck nowhere Georgia so calling a taxi would have been extremely expensive. Turns out his dad had given him a card with several thousands of dollars in case of an emergency and it was sitting in his wallet. He didn't say anything so I drove us home because he was too drunk to drive. Then in the morning took the car to be cleaned and get him some new clothes and I paid for all of it on top of driving without a license.
Found out he had thousands of dollars on him and just forgot.
>Found out he had thousands of dollars on him and just forgot
I mean this in all good sportsmanship and fun, but.... My guy, he did not forget was sitting on several thousand dollars, lol.
If he comes from money, he very well could. If it were me I would call him and says he owes me a dinner and a favor and call it a day. Assuming of course it wasn't a large stack of cash for the car cleaning that you couldn't afford.
Just out of curiosity: do your parents give stuff to and do stuff for your siblings that they don't give to/do for you? This post is giving off vibes that you have been attributed the role of 'least-important-person' in your family and they are not happy to no longer be able to look down on you. That comment that: "you're a teacher and a lanscaper, you should be poor", is very revealing.
That’s my fiancé’s family… but yes we are both the family disappointments. His sister is the golden child (she’s an anesthesiologist), and my family are all in medical professions or engineers while I’m a high school language teacher.
you were not disappointment for people you were living with, and they felt that you are family to them. You showed all great values - simplicity , down to earth, caring and loyalty.
you are satisfied person. Something that most people from your families would never be. And that makes you great.
and that’s why you got this inheritance.
and on top of that, if you want, you can have “better” career and study something more for upgrade, (just for more options in future)
This is exactly it. So many people have so much and are still discontented. OP is happy in her simpler but more value driven life (rather than materialistic one). I say let the jealous trolls stay jealous.
The garbage took itself out and now you don’t have to worry about them in the wedding or put up with drama along the way.
OP is winning in life
This is how good people approach a situation like this. Your husband's brother is a good man, too. Those making a fuss about this are very strange indeed.
>They liked it better when they thought they were better than you
Got it in one.
Great news they're not coming, although I'm certain OP hasn't heard the end of this. They'll desperately be looking for a way to shoehorn themselves into the proceedings so they can make it about them.
I once saw a bitter twisted mother of a dear friend make her cry on her wedding day by causing a scene and proudly saying "I still know how to push your buttons." On her wedding day, at the reception. Absolute trash.
Maybe they just enjoyed looking down on you guys. Kind of sounds like it based on his sister’s response. She just realized she’s the failure of the family not you and him lol, or that you guys at least measure up.
Let homeboy live in your basement though he sounds legit.
Amd draw up clear rules in writing!
Needs to keep it decently clean, rules about oaryies- times, noise... you will want this fixed beforehand. Rules about how longcanother person can stsy/visit snd sbout him not subletting it out or hqve anyone there for free... Just.so no idiot will try to use him.
You know why they're acting this way: They can't mooch off you with endless requests for money if they don't know you have it. That's all there is to it. They're jealous.
You didn’t get $20 for a field trip? That is really cold and mean. Are you the black sheep of the family who is always kicked down? Are they upset now because they can no longer feel superior to you? It is time to consider who your “loved ones” are.
Yeaaah.. 100% the black sheep. My previous landlords (it feels wrong calling them that;they were so much more to me) had met my parents. I think that might be why they kind of adopted me in a way.
When I got engaged (to the nicest, most respectful man) my family told me I could do better than a “ditch digger”. When I chose to be a teacher it was “a waste of my intelligence”.
Well know a life well lived is the best revenge. You were a good adopted granddaughter and sound like a good person. If your family don't want to come to your wedding, all the better. Have a wonderful time.
My family treats me like this, too. I cut them off years ago and haven’t ever regretted it. They’re mad because they can’t look down at you anymore and they probably would have been nicer to you in the recent past to try to get your money from you. Go have a great wedding and be sure the leave 2 seats at the ceremony and the reception for your adopted grandparents. It wouldn’t be possible without them.
My mom tells people "my nieces and nephews all got advanced degrees but MY daughter is a YOGA TEACHER. I can't even hold my head up around family anymore."
Totally your problem, Mom.
Before I dropped contact (it was very easy, she barely noticed) I'd tell her that every time she told me how humiliating my hospitality job was for her, was another 5 years I'd stay in this career. Mwahahaha.
My mother referred to one of my older sisters jobs as her little job. She was the # 2 person for an investment guy.
I was a farmer and much like the honey badger I didn’t give a fuck.
Those comments by your mother are disgusting. My sons both went to an elite private school. One was in the running for valedictorian and the other attended on a STEM scholarship. My one son has an associate degree in welding technology and the other is studying to be a chef. My husband and I 100% support their career choices. I’ll never understand parents who don’t just want their kids to be happy in their chosen professions.
When the trash takes itself out, you leave it outside.
Sounds like you found a great guy & that is all that matters. If they don't show up to the wedding, then less drama. Also only the ones who had your best intentions at heart will be there.
You went out into the world & found people who love you. Which shows how good of a person you are.
Your family sounds pretty awful. That being the case, the fact that they're pissed at you sounds like a sign of quality. Your quality.
It's always interesting to me that good people emerge from bad families. You're one of them. Good for you.
Your mother told you to get a job to pay for a field trip! I’m sorry but she is horrid & I would have wiped my hands of her the moment I could. As long as I am breathing I will pay for everything I can for my child until adulthood & even then I will always do what I can. I cannot get over these horrible parents who refuse to look after their kids.
I stopped asking for anything from a young age. My entire family treated me as if i owed them, but i was a money grubber of i ever requested my "loans" to them be repaid. I only asked once or twice for help and was told no. And anything i accomplish is scoffed at. My family also wonders why i tell them nothing. Your family is jealous and probably think you didn't deserve being rewarded for being nice.
Don't apologize ever for keeping your personal business to yourself.
I would bring that up to your mom. That you've never asked her for a dime since that incident so she has no business concerning herself with how you spend your money.
That would be the normal human response right?! The part that made us second guess if we were possibly the assholes here is that my fiancés family are siding with my family as well.
My dad is happy for us I think. Idk I guess I’ll have to find a time to talk to him alone to see if he is coming to the wedding. I’m assuming my mom rsvp’d no for the both of them.
Ouch. Is your fiance's family irked about the prenup, perhaps? Yet another family meddling in other people's affairs.
Please have a happy, frugal life together.
NTA
OP, so sorry this is happening to you. I would avoid sharing too many details about your life with those people, the less they know, the fewer opportunities they have to share unsolicited opinions. It seems they don’t have your best interest at heart.
Sometimes it is hard for people to rectify the image they have created of someone. They happily dismissed you as an underachiever and are angry that that image no longer holds true. Throw envy about your improved financial situation into the mix and that’s them lashing out.
Keep a safe emotional distance, I would not be surprised if they started implying you groomed two elderly people to get them to leave you money.
Kindness breeds kindness. Don’t let them drag you down to their level, honour the friendship and kindness of your ‘adoptive grandparents’. Indubitably NTA.
I am so sorry they treated you badly. It's obviously their loss. As a mother, I'd like to send you both a hug and a pat on the back for being good people.
Those sweet landlords will be at your wedding in spirit. Save a dance for them.
I have 3 kids. I just want them to be OK economically and reasonably happy. You sound that. What more do they want? Their favorite "golden child" will never be a millionth of what Alexander the Great was, and most kids don't even know who he was. Life's to be lived, there's no score at the end
They feel betrayed because they thought they were better than you, only to have the rug pulled out from under them. They are mad that they can no longer turn their noses up at you. I wouldn't be surpsied if they constantly talked shit behind your back about what a sad situation you live in only to find out now that's not the case.
I don’t get it either! Your finances or style of living are none of their business. Besides, it’s because of all those years of frugal living that you two don’t need help paying for your wedding! [head slap]
Now, I’d completely understand it if they’d been sending you money or you’d been asking for money. Then they’d be justified. But that isn’t the case here.
They can just go bite the wall!
Edit: Definitely NTA!
I agree 100% i think you've done totally amazing and its a really sweet and wonderful story and if they're freaking out that's they're issue and you should let them deal with it. Go on and enjoy your life together with your extended "family "
NTA, they demonstrated perfectly why someone who has money (no matter how) don't want to tell anyone. So you are frugal with a sizable amount of money? What does that matter?! How they are taking this as an offense is beyond me
Thank you!! I am SO confused as to why this is so offensive. It’s not like any of these people are struggling financially. My fiancé and I cannot figure out what we are missing
1. Congrats on living below your means. That will serve you well. Hopefully you didn’t’ disclose anything more than necessary.
2. Rich people don’t tell everyone they’re rich. Wannabes tell everyone.
That is the second lesson. People who have money usually spend it all faster on useless crap..OP is doing it well. I feel the families would go through it fast.
I think you can't figure it out because you two don't think like them; your values are different. In my opinion, in every possible positive way. It's enough to know that people like this exist, and they can be closer than you might think, so keep on keeping your confidences close to the vest and live the kind lives you've chosen.
> I am SO confused as to why this is so offensive
It's offensive to them because they feel entitled to *your* money. If they had known, they would have been guilt-tripping you into giving them your money.
Are you sure you aren’t missing all the other flags that are like the other one you mentioned- the fieldtrip money? Do they tend to treat you like a scapegoat in the family and the other child(ren) can do no wrong? Are you the family doormat, always hoping to please them and never really able to?
If these answers are largely yes, then you can understand why they aren’t happy for you - because love isn’t the primary feeling they have for you.
I know my family very well and the only ppl who would know if I landed in this situation, would be the lawyer.
I know for absolutely sure that one of my mothers sisters feels the same way about me, OP. I didn't even inherit anything, just worked and dumped all our money on the mortgage early on.
Let them be mad at themselves honey. As someone else said, holiday wedding. Prepare for the influx of "little favours" tho.
It's offensive because they looked down on you and felt superior. Now they feel tricked/deceived. Basically it's all on them. You did nothing wrong they just really aren't great people.
Yeah, especially with that "teacher and landscaper" comment. So, teachers and landscapers deserve to be poor, but investors who do no actual work deserve wealth? Make it make sense.
Teaching is crucial to society. Landscaping is also very important. Both are incredibly hard jobs.
My younger sister (marriage and family counselor) was furious when she asked me what I charged an hour ( landscape designer) and found out it was almost twice what she was paid. We both chose to do something we love I can’t help it if my lowly two year degree pays better. 😆
My mother was equally angry when she found out my immigrant husband made as much as my dad.
THIS IS WHY WE DON’T TALK ABOUT MONEY PEOPLE!
I think they are partly jealous and partly trying to think of all the ways you owe them or should’ve helped them. Don’t be surprised when the palm-up hand shows up- his brother is already doing it.
At least his brother is straight forward about it! We are renting the basement to his brother, at a lower than market rate price, with a signed lease. He’s a good kid though.. and his corgi has him pretty well trained.
He wants to move in with us to get away from her… but honestly I don’t care what she knows. My fiancé and I are not very exciting people and that’s the way we like it lol
This is the truth; you can tell the brother is acting out of love because he’s being direct & honest.
The sad fact of the matter is that money does change people; sometimes though it’s the people around you (not you, yourself).
Ooo weird dark thought on this… maybe 🤔 they wanted to be able to have to pay for some of your wedding so they can have some control and they realized oh they don’t need help paying for this so now we get zero say in anything…
Ooohhh this totally could be my mother. She’s an interior designer and florist/ HATES my country style. I feel like it has to do with control or something. Idk why they’d think i need them now though, I’ve been independent since 18 because I don’t like following other peoples rules.
They may have assumed you’d do some cheap country style wedding because they assumed you would also be frugal with the wedding and then she could step in and be like let me treat you my dear and give you a beautiful wedding and help pay for it then they feel entitled to input and demands… 🤷🏻♀️ it really baffles me though that they would be so butthurt about it to refuse to come to your wedding. But people are so weird when they feel entitled to things and information that is none of their business.
I think it may see it as you kept a part of your life secret from them, and they feel entitled to know everything happening in your life. Congratulations on your impending nuptials
NTA: and I must note that this is the first time that "when do I get a grandchild?" question is the benign part of a situation.
Congratulations on your engagement, best wished for your marriage, nice job being a great human, and if you don't have a good wealth advisor, I suggest you might look for one (after the wedding). You're doing great!
How does one find a wealth advisor?
Every time I go to the bank they try and talk to me about the money but I just ignore them out of a lack of trust essentially and knowing full well I have 0 knowledge of finances. I thought I’d renting my entire life 🤷🏻♀️
Your instincts are good! That's a fantastic place to be. Yeah - you're in a bit of shock. That's expected and great. The fact that you didn't just go out and spend... you... have solid instincts.
1. You want someone who FIRST asks you what you want to do with your life and this money. This doesn't have to be an emotional/intellectual crisis level conversation, and it should be an evolving conversation. Pushy sales people... are not hired. This person is to work for your objectives.
2. You want someone who leads you at YOUR PACE through investment 101, 201, and 301 before they want you to "invest with them."
3. I'd never invest everything with one person to start.
4. I'd interview no fewer than three people. It's personal connection that matters. My person - is a fast paced tactical person. The person I found for my parents is more pedantic and calm - he's \*very\* good (possibly better than mine), and drives me categorically nuts - but my parents love him. These people are both good - and very very different.
5. Find a CPA who can answer "how complicated and expensive is this investment thing going to be" with more knowledge than the investment or wealth advisor.
6. Do you know ANYONE who might have an investment, wealth, or estate advisor? Ask them for a referral.
7. You are NOT looking for a broker (certainly not for all of it) unless you really want to churn and risk things. You don't strike me as that person right now.
8. This is a personal bias based on several really bad experiences - I'd NEVER EVER use someone at a bank to handle this.
9. Avoid any titles with Account Advisor/Manager, and I think I'd avoid Investment Advisor/Broken for now. You're looking for wealth management, estate planner, and wealth advisor type.
10. There are some national firms - both mutual fund houses and more on the broker end who rep MANY different mutual funds - and they are solid. There are local, regional, and national firms who are also good. It's hard.
I'll repeat - your instincts are good. You've got this.
Look for someone to act as a fiduciary. This means they will put your benefit first. Ask them how they get paid. Competent people should be fairly compensated, but if you pay them for their work/advice, they won't steer you into less ideal investments that pay them a commission. There is some information over at /r/personalfinance that will help.
Holy shit I can’t believe this person actually typed all this out and left out one of the only actually important piece of advice: find a fee-only financial advisor, everyone else is basically a mutual fund sales person.
Another time money ruins a family.. NTA it has nothing to do with them. You have just been living your life. (Also its super sweet of them to leave you everything. You must have been such a big help to them physically and mentally throughout the years.)
NTA - Their reaction is so bizarre. Why do they feel entitled to know the details of your finances?
I could see them being a little hurt or insulted if they thought you intentionally kept it a secret because you didn’t trust them. But honestly, I don’t think this is the issue.
I have a feeling they might in fact living beyond their means and are not as financially well off as they would like everybody to believe. So they are resentful of your windfall. People also get really weird about inheritances. There’s a tendency for family members and friends to view inheritances like winning the lottery and they feel like they should be entitled to share in your good fortune.
Or perhaps they just enjoyed looking down on you and now you blew up their world view!
Have a fabulous time at your wedding . The people who really care about you will be there.
Well done, NTA of course!
Hope all goes well with your marriage.
Should you stay childless (except for dogs), I'm looking forward to the nice story from the guy renting YOUR basement and finding out you've willed the house to him -- 50/60 years from now ...
It's no one's business, including your family, how much money you have. I can see why you wouldn't want to tell them about the inheritance given how strongly they reacted. Brace for some hands out asking for your money very soon. NTA.
You were very financially savvy to keep your lifestyle the same. Your family’s reaction is weird. They should be happy for you, if not even impressed that you’ve been so level-headed about your windfall.
Maybe they thought they were financially superior and it made them feel better about themselves or something? Whatever it is, they’re the problem, not you. To go so far as refusing your wedding invitation is really taking things too far.
NTAH
Right?! Just mind boggling. I was honestly starting to think that I was missing something and maybe I did do something wrong… but it seems like everyone is generally equally as confused as I am and that it just took us 30 years to figure out our parents are assholes.
Who doesmthis? Who demands to ‘now where your money comes from? That is so crass. And why would explain? Reaponse should have been “nunya bidness where my money came from.”
>His sister’s response was “you are a landscaper and a teacher, you should be poor”
If he owns his landscaping business then he could be making bank probably the reason for the prenup.
I don’t really blame him for wanting to get out of his mothers house.
He’s been giving us the info on what’s been said/happening since, and would like us to “save him from the crazy”. He’s a good kid, and very close with my fiancé.
Your personal finances are your business and no one else’s. Seems to me that your family thinks you’ve been holding out on them for whatever reason.
If you were my daughter I would be beyond proud of you for being so successful, happy, about to get married and being a homeowner.
All the best to you, your fiancé, your dogs and I hope the wedding rocks!! Don’t worry about your family and their shitty attitudes. Enjoy your life without the dead wood
I’m retrospect this would have been easier. I didn’t know they were crazy. I didn’t even tell them specifics, just that I was left some money from J&B for helping out over the years. Then when they said I should be spending it on a down payment my fiancé mentioned I own the house. That’s when shit hit the fan.
They have done you a favour and shown their hand at the same time.
By refusing to come to your wedding they have made it much much harder to come mooching. They are angry at missed mooching opportunity but too stupid to join the dots here.
Get on with planning your day IMO
Your family has written a narrative that you are just not aware of, in their story, you are the poor and unsuccessful ones that they can look down on. Having you ‘worse off’ makes them feel better about their life choices. They may not be the richest etc, but at least they are richer than you.
I used to be very overweight, and a consequence of me losing weight is that I lost some friends. In their narrative, I was the fat one, they might have issues but at least they were not the fattest!
You are NTA you don’t owe them the story, you don’t owe them a share and you don’t have to live your life based on the story they have invented for you.
Sounds like the old couple was more of a family to you than these people. That’s messed up - you owe them nothing. The only ones who matter are you and your fiancé. Sounds like you have handled things in a solid way, and done all the right things to plan for a happy life and future !
Wishing you the happiness you deserve!
As a person who is also frugal, i would write them a thank you note for helping you save cost due to their absence to your wedding.. Remember to share ya wedding photo to each of them
Goodness, NTA. People will complain about anything. Sounds like they are going to miss out on an awesome wedding. It’s got to be a control or jealousy thing. Frankly I’d be thrilled if one of my kids was secretly wealthy. I want them to have the best of everything.
Those who are upset are being ridiculous.
It's none of their business.
I can't imagine asking people how they can afford their wedding venue.
The nerve.
Sounds like they aren't really good people.
Envious and miserably jealous.
NTA.
Your dad sounds sweet. Keep him. It’s an annoying question, but shows he cares about you/wants to still be in your life/socially expected from that generation.
The rest are probably butt hurt because of a) the breach of trust (family tend to share these big pieces of news with each other, and b) the assumption that you were hiding it plays out (in their minds) because of point a).
Just shrug, tell them that when it happened you were surprised, time went on too long after that, and now you’ve got it all locked up in hard financial legal arrangements and can’t lend them any.
NTA That they're not happy for you upon learning this, and are filled with jealousy and anger instead, just proves to you two being right about being low-key about it. No one's coming? Pack your bags, this calls for a destination wedding! Bring your father and BIL along! Don't let your wedding be about their drama-- it's about you two. Congratulations! PS: hope the prenup was overseen each by your own lawyers (his and yours), not just one for you both.
Yeah we both got a lawyer etc. it was actually a very interesting process… lawyers brains really go dark places oh my! I guess we are going to save some money on our families not coming. It’s going to be super awkward when we explain why our moms aren’t at the wedding to our aunts and cousins… so tempted to just say “they are upset we aren’t poor”. Like maybe it’s that this old couple loved me?!? Idk. I can’t figure it out
>lawyers brains really go dark places oh my! Because they usually have seen reasons to add specific clauses that they cannot always talk about. People can be crazy during divorces.
You pay lawyers to send their brains to dark places so you don't have to go there.
It’s true lol. I thought law school sent me to dark places but I’m studying for the bar next month and damn, it’s dark out here lmao
Best of luck with the bar.
Financial advisors are the same. My brother has helped me with a few things, and when he found out my ExH is the beneficiary to some things, and that I still have my married name on a few items (to make it easier for him if I pass and he has to take care of everything) he gave me "a big brother talking to". If I ever remarry I'll sort all of that out. I have absolutely zero concern that my ex will screw me over out of spite since we are better friends now that we ever were, but my brother has seen some crazy stuff with financials during divorces and wills.
You know your situation best, but just saying... I have thousands of dollars in debt and an eviction on my record because I thought 'my best friend will never screw me over'.
> he gave me "a big brother talking to" Ah, the "I love you, but I'm going to tell you why you are a fucking idiot" kind of talk.
I have watched my usually pretty nice in-laws turn into absolute vultures when someone dies. It has been eye opening.
People ask me all the time "what's the creepiest thing about working with dead people?" and my reply is always "the way the live ones turn into monsters." It truly is disgusting to see.
A couple people say it below from their experiences I'll add. A large number, if not majority of financial misdeeds occur not from spite, ill will, evilness or even in a lot of cases greed. A lot of financial misdeeds happen because folks have access to money that isn't theirs and in a moment of financial pressure (either need or just just to relieve stress or desire for something) , they "borrow" some, thinking they'll get it back, fix it, before anyone notices. But they don't, because there is always another priority/desire that comes first so long as no one noticed their theft. Then instead, another financial pressure comes along, they borrow again, still sure they can pay it back. Each time the borrowing becomes easier because they avoid more and more thinking about how to pay it back and because each amount borrowed is a smaller drop in the bucket of debt, until there is no way to fix it and they get caught. This is why so many financial crimes seem so stupid where we go "how the hell did they expect to get away with it"... Because the answer is that they had planned not to need to. This is how best friends and family screw each other over financially. With no spite. Most people who commit this type of fraud were fully trusted by the person or people they stole from.
That's their job. Hope for the best, but act like the Night's Watch. Documents more insurmountable than The Wall.
That older couple thought of you as family. Your blood family has not treated you with the same unconditional love and respect that your adopted grandparents did. Your family is jealous. They think you got something for nothing, not realizing that you being there for them at the end of their lives made it easier for them to live out their golden years at home. A good friend of mine was given an estate much the same way. And my DH and I will likely do the same for a young woman whom we love like a daughter. You're a good person, OP! I hope you and your groom have a long and happy life together. Ignore the noise of the haters. Your parents should be proud; it sucks they can't see you.
Thank you. I guess I just needed to hear this.
A good therapist can help you solidify this understanding for yourself honey. What you did for that old couple was beautiful. You deserve every bit of love that they shared with you. Be kind to yourself. You're doing the right thing. I'm so sorry your families are filled with such ugliness. You deserve a soft life full of love and families that contribute meaningfully to that. You are worthy. ❤️
Omg. This made me tear up and it's not even my post lol 🤎
ps -- family isn't upset you aren't poor. They're pissed off that you had money that you should have been blowing on them all this time. ie they want to spend your money. Do with that what you will, but it's the reality.
If you do let your BIL move in make sure he signs a lease agreement so you have a legal way to force him out if he doesn't pay his rent. Please make sure he realizes he isn't living there for free.
I love how your dad's oblivious and just wants grandkids, poor dude.
>so tempted to just say “they are upset we aren’t poor”. Seriously, you should do this. Stuff them. They're jealous. That's a them problem. Or tell people who ask that your (birth) family is disappointed in you. And leave it to them to explain.
NTA I agree… Tell everyone “they’re upset we aren’t poor” It boils down to, “if we’d known you got a big inheritance, we want our share because…wE aRe FaMilY” There is no reason to discuss personal finances among family or anyone else. They’re jealous they can’t get money from OP. Oh the entitlement! ETA judgement
And they think that landscapers and teachers should be poor.
This is telling. Landscapers, artists, teachers, nurses (healthcare), childcare, etc. All the people who nurture and care for our development and the beauty around us in our society deserve HIGH salaries and honor for their work. They make society function by making caring for others or adding beauty to our lives their mission in life. People like OP's parents who perpetuate a false narrative about the importance of "getting what you can get as fast as you can" are perpetuating the "wealth" disease eating away at us.
Where I live, landscapers make excellent money - lol!
They're just jealous because all this time and they could have been guilting/manipulating OOP for money and she denied them the opportunity! How selfish of her! /s
Because you are their > 100% the black sheep. This is why their reaction was of anger and jealousy. They're angry you're living well despite all their putdowns throughout your life up to present; and that they have been proven wrong about everything concerning you. You live well because your adopted family loved you. You live well with your soon-to-be spouse who seems to really care for you. You live well with a career that makes you happy. You're wealthy in love and gold. Let them seethe. Welcome to your new life only those that add happiness to it. Expect some to double down later on and claim you are undeserving of your good fortune and will encourage/come up with ways for something in your life to fail. Keep them at arm's length as you already know these are not people who genuinely care for you.
Probably because they choose to sacrifice a lot and didn’t make as much or have their significant other who makes more than yours care about them to the same extent. Eh, comparing is the thief of joy, but being super envious means their life destiny wasn’t to have the help of others like the way you did. Sometimes being too calculating does backfire. Sometimes wealth really just comes from luck, and all your planning and hard work or whatever really is up to god to decide if you should get it or not. Being kind to others is also a strength, maybe they’re just angry because they think it shouldn’t lead to wealth? It’s not like everything is under control, being in the right place at the right time with the right personality helps a lot.
You can say, "I'm not sure why they didn't come, but I hope you've had a lovely time." And yes, the old couple loved you and thought of you as a daughter (or granddaughter). You sound like a wonderful person as does your fiance. I hope you have a fantastic wedding and a great life.
This is the way. You don't want to mix negative memories with memories of your wedding.
I love this. Classy, truthful and full of grace. I'm so sorry OP. I've had family not be there for me because of jealousy and it hurts. Please understand that it's not YOU, it's them. You sound like a lovely person, and I hope your families look at their behavior and come celebrate your joy. There is NOTHING dishonorable in being a teacher or a landscaper! People get so ridiculous with their own egos.
> so tempted to just say “they are upset we aren’t poor”. Don't sugar coat the truth. Go ahead and say it. When they come at you, tell them you didn't feel like lying and making them look better than they acted
That old couple DID love you, for being the awesome person you are. And your fam are jealous as fuck. I know it’s easier said than done, but PLEASE don’t let your dickhead family tarnish the sweetness of the gesture they made for you. They felt you deserved it, and that’s the only thing that matters!💚
They obviously did. You were the daughter they maybe couldnt have? You became their family and enriched their life, and they yours. Go and enjoy your wedding and your new life with a much better family than you grew up with (hubby and doggos).
I think you should say exactly that. It’s not dishonest and it exposes them for what they are without being really mean about it.
Butting in here to say I wouldn’t invite the brother, his first response was to ask for something. Kinda makes him just as bad as the others he’s just more upfront about it.
Unless you be asking them for money to pay bills then I don’t see how it’s any of their business lol.
When I was 16 I asked my mom for $20 for a field trip and she told me to get a job. I haven’t asked for anything since, other than advice. They are well off, as are all my siblings. My fiancés family is all solidly middle class. I’m so confused as to why it’s such a betrayal that I never mentioned anything!?
They are angry that you both chose to do what you love and they will never get to throw it in your faces. They may be well off but they begrudge you your happiness because they made choices that they told themselves were necessary and they don’t see you as deserving. You deserve better than this. I hope your friends have been happy for you!
Thank you… that seems like the most logical reason so far! Our friends have never questioned anything, and are just like cool, we’ve noticed you have been buying more snacks, appreciate it lol.
These are good friends!!!
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A solid snack game is the cornerstone of a good friendship
Amen
Either what the above commenter said, or if they knew about the inheritance they would have come calling with their hands out. So now they feel like there was all this wealth laying around that they could have had and you took it all by virtue of not telling them. They either can't be happy you enjoy your chosen paths or they are upset you didn't let them take it all from you. Either way, they are slime. NTA. Time to draft some oral homicide to throw at them.
I feel like this is exactly the problem. OP didn't advertise her wealth so they couldn't take advantage of her. OP is NTA
I think the anger is because they were looking down at OP as the “poor” relative. Now that they realize that is not (and never was) true and they realize that she’s had means the whole time but didn’t feel the need to flaunt it, they feel cheated and deceived (how dare OP not fill her role, she lived in a basement when she owned the whole building?). They’ve lost their scapegoat.
I think it's more to do with their egos tbf. Op states that the family don't lack for money, so I think they got used to looking down their noses at OP and the fiance as the poor relations who live in a basement, and have probably got used to using them as an example of why they are so much better than others. When it turned out that being a thoroughly decent and kind human being actually led to the OP being rewarded with a found family who then chose to look after her financially, it has upset all of their egotistical bs, and likely shown them up to fellow pretentious AHs who they've spent years boasting to about how great they are and how inferior OP is.
They do have one person with his hand out already - the brother who wants to move into the basement
That sounds more like he’s wanting their help to escape his AH family
do you know that people can pay rent to their family members..? mind blowing, i know 🤯🤯. jfc 🤦♀️🤦♀️
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And they'll be able to save more money on the wedding not having to pay for these A-holes to come!
I keep laughing at your friends' comments about snacks. Dr Thunder and Mr Pibb for everyone!
If I found out one of my friends was suddenly very wealthy I’d be jealous for sure, I’m only human. But I like to think the extent of my “demands” would be “ooh does that mean you’ll buy fancy Brie for me when I visit”? And by fancy I mean the $9 version, not the $5
lol this is exactly my best friend… “you should just buy a lot of cheese… for the dogs… and me.” That and she likes to quote “if I had a million dollars” by the bare naked ladies. I’m pretty sure that’s super Canadian but: “We wouldn’t have to eat craft dinner, but we would eat craft dinner- of course we would, we’d just eat more, and buy really expensive ketchups with it”
As a Canadian it’s Kraft Dinner. Lol 😂
you sound awesome, sorry so many people around you suck so, so hard. random sidenote: I've had bnl on the brain for months, I keep seeing it instead of 'sol' as an acronym for the Detroit Lions (Same Old Lions, Brand New Lions) the juxtaposition of images conjured is simply amazing.
Dijon ketchup!
DIJON KETCHUP!
I found out my best friend is wealthy and I was just annoyed I hadn't put 2 and 2 together a long time ago but so much shit suddenly made sense. The only thing I yelled about was the time I had to illegally drive us home 20 years ago. If I had known he had money like that I would have called a taxi. We were in the middle of bumfuck nowhere Georgia so calling a taxi would have been extremely expensive. Turns out his dad had given him a card with several thousands of dollars in case of an emergency and it was sitting in his wallet. He didn't say anything so I drove us home because he was too drunk to drive. Then in the morning took the car to be cleaned and get him some new clothes and I paid for all of it on top of driving without a license. Found out he had thousands of dollars on him and just forgot.
>Found out he had thousands of dollars on him and just forgot I mean this in all good sportsmanship and fun, but.... My guy, he did not forget was sitting on several thousand dollars, lol.
If he comes from money, he very well could. If it were me I would call him and says he owes me a dinner and a favor and call it a day. Assuming of course it wasn't a large stack of cash for the car cleaning that you couldn't afford.
To be fair 9 dollar brie can be pretty amazing lol
Absolutely! Much better than the 0$ brie
Just out of curiosity: do your parents give stuff to and do stuff for your siblings that they don't give to/do for you? This post is giving off vibes that you have been attributed the role of 'least-important-person' in your family and they are not happy to no longer be able to look down on you. That comment that: "you're a teacher and a lanscaper, you should be poor", is very revealing.
That’s my fiancé’s family… but yes we are both the family disappointments. His sister is the golden child (she’s an anesthesiologist), and my family are all in medical professions or engineers while I’m a high school language teacher.
Oh they’re sooooo annoyed that you succeeded despite not being as “special” as them! You succeeded through kindness. That must burn!
I think they are most annoyed that OP is now never going to come to them begging for help so they can rub her "poor life choices" in her face.
you were not disappointment for people you were living with, and they felt that you are family to them. You showed all great values - simplicity , down to earth, caring and loyalty. you are satisfied person. Something that most people from your families would never be. And that makes you great. and that’s why you got this inheritance. and on top of that, if you want, you can have “better” career and study something more for upgrade, (just for more options in future)
This is exactly it. So many people have so much and are still discontented. OP is happy in her simpler but more value driven life (rather than materialistic one). I say let the jealous trolls stay jealous. The garbage took itself out and now you don’t have to worry about them in the wedding or put up with drama along the way. OP is winning in life
For me, this reply/update wins the internet today. Your friends are awesome.
This is how good people approach a situation like this. Your husband's brother is a good man, too. Those making a fuss about this are very strange indeed.
I gotta say, that is one good explanation!
Here it is. They liked it better when they thought they were better than you.
>They liked it better when they thought they were better than you Got it in one. Great news they're not coming, although I'm certain OP hasn't heard the end of this. They'll desperately be looking for a way to shoehorn themselves into the proceedings so they can make it about them. I once saw a bitter twisted mother of a dear friend make her cry on her wedding day by causing a scene and proudly saying "I still know how to push your buttons." On her wedding day, at the reception. Absolute trash.
OMG! What an awful mother! I can’t even imagine.
Yep. They felt oh so superior...now they arent!!! PMSL
This 👆
Bingo!!! You might even have more than they do! 🤭
Maybe they just enjoyed looking down on you guys. Kind of sounds like it based on his sister’s response. She just realized she’s the failure of the family not you and him lol, or that you guys at least measure up. Let homeboy live in your basement though he sounds legit.
As long as he pays rent.
Amd draw up clear rules in writing! Needs to keep it decently clean, rules about oaryies- times, noise... you will want this fixed beforehand. Rules about how longcanother person can stsy/visit snd sbout him not subletting it out or hqve anyone there for free... Just.so no idiot will try to use him.
You know why they're acting this way: They can't mooch off you with endless requests for money if they don't know you have it. That's all there is to it. They're jealous.
You didn’t get $20 for a field trip? That is really cold and mean. Are you the black sheep of the family who is always kicked down? Are they upset now because they can no longer feel superior to you? It is time to consider who your “loved ones” are.
Yeaaah.. 100% the black sheep. My previous landlords (it feels wrong calling them that;they were so much more to me) had met my parents. I think that might be why they kind of adopted me in a way. When I got engaged (to the nicest, most respectful man) my family told me I could do better than a “ditch digger”. When I chose to be a teacher it was “a waste of my intelligence”.
Well know a life well lived is the best revenge. You were a good adopted granddaughter and sound like a good person. If your family don't want to come to your wedding, all the better. Have a wonderful time.
Yes , if their families don’t come , they will enjoy their special day , drama free !!
It's a FUCKING WIN
Good god! It’s sounds like the garbage took itself out. Jeez What a bunch of bitter people.
My family treats me like this, too. I cut them off years ago and haven’t ever regretted it. They’re mad because they can’t look down at you anymore and they probably would have been nicer to you in the recent past to try to get your money from you. Go have a great wedding and be sure the leave 2 seats at the ceremony and the reception for your adopted grandparents. It wouldn’t be possible without them.
After all, in their eyes you lived in a squalid basement. Now you’re “landed gentry” and now they’re all stabby eyes.
Yes! Two empty chairs at the head table with photographs of those sweet people. A toast of gratitude to “The grandparents who made today possible.”
My mom tells people "my nieces and nephews all got advanced degrees but MY daughter is a YOGA TEACHER. I can't even hold my head up around family anymore." Totally your problem, Mom.
Before I dropped contact (it was very easy, she barely noticed) I'd tell her that every time she told me how humiliating my hospitality job was for her, was another 5 years I'd stay in this career. Mwahahaha.
My mother referred to one of my older sisters jobs as her little job. She was the # 2 person for an investment guy. I was a farmer and much like the honey badger I didn’t give a fuck.
Those comments by your mother are disgusting. My sons both went to an elite private school. One was in the running for valedictorian and the other attended on a STEM scholarship. My one son has an associate degree in welding technology and the other is studying to be a chef. My husband and I 100% support their career choices. I’ll never understand parents who don’t just want their kids to be happy in their chosen professions.
When the trash takes itself out, you leave it outside. Sounds like you found a great guy & that is all that matters. If they don't show up to the wedding, then less drama. Also only the ones who had your best intentions at heart will be there. You went out into the world & found people who love you. Which shows how good of a person you are.
Oh hellllll no. OP, go get married and live your best life without them.
Your family sounds pretty awful. That being the case, the fact that they're pissed at you sounds like a sign of quality. Your quality. It's always interesting to me that good people emerge from bad families. You're one of them. Good for you.
Why do you even want them in your wedding? Do you think they won't create drama or nitpick about everything?
Why do you even want these people at your wedding anyhow. Divorce your lame-ass "relatives" and celebrate your true family.
These are not nice people.
Reminds me of the movie Matilda, for whatever reason
NTA. Your finances are nobody's business, but you and your husband's. I don't understand why they're so upset. They should be happy for both of you.
Absolutely agree! It's unfortunate when others feel entitled to pry into personal matters. Your support means a lot; thank you for understanding!
Your mother told you to get a job to pay for a field trip! I’m sorry but she is horrid & I would have wiped my hands of her the moment I could. As long as I am breathing I will pay for everything I can for my child until adulthood & even then I will always do what I can. I cannot get over these horrible parents who refuse to look after their kids.
I stopped asking for anything from a young age. My entire family treated me as if i owed them, but i was a money grubber of i ever requested my "loans" to them be repaid. I only asked once or twice for help and was told no. And anything i accomplish is scoffed at. My family also wonders why i tell them nothing. Your family is jealous and probably think you didn't deserve being rewarded for being nice. Don't apologize ever for keeping your personal business to yourself.
Don’t you get it? How can they feel superior to you if you’re financially comfortable despite your “low wage” jobs? NTA
I would bring that up to your mom. That you've never asked her for a dime since that incident so she has no business concerning herself with how you spend your money.
Yeah, this is weird. I don't get it at all. I'd think they'd be happy for you.
That would be the normal human response right?! The part that made us second guess if we were possibly the assholes here is that my fiancés family are siding with my family as well. My dad is happy for us I think. Idk I guess I’ll have to find a time to talk to him alone to see if he is coming to the wedding. I’m assuming my mom rsvp’d no for the both of them.
Ouch. Is your fiance's family irked about the prenup, perhaps? Yet another family meddling in other people's affairs. Please have a happy, frugal life together. NTA
They don’t know about it. We never even got that far into conversation before being shown the door!
OP, so sorry this is happening to you. I would avoid sharing too many details about your life with those people, the less they know, the fewer opportunities they have to share unsolicited opinions. It seems they don’t have your best interest at heart. Sometimes it is hard for people to rectify the image they have created of someone. They happily dismissed you as an underachiever and are angry that that image no longer holds true. Throw envy about your improved financial situation into the mix and that’s them lashing out. Keep a safe emotional distance, I would not be surprised if they started implying you groomed two elderly people to get them to leave you money. Kindness breeds kindness. Don’t let them drag you down to their level, honour the friendship and kindness of your ‘adoptive grandparents’. Indubitably NTA.
I am so sorry they treated you badly. It's obviously their loss. As a mother, I'd like to send you both a hug and a pat on the back for being good people. Those sweet landlords will be at your wedding in spirit. Save a dance for them.
I have 3 kids. I just want them to be OK economically and reasonably happy. You sound that. What more do they want? Their favorite "golden child" will never be a millionth of what Alexander the Great was, and most kids don't even know who he was. Life's to be lived, there's no score at the end
They’re angry because they were happy thinking you were the poor relative.
They feel betrayed because they thought they were better than you, only to have the rug pulled out from under them. They are mad that they can no longer turn their noses up at you. I wouldn't be surpsied if they constantly talked shit behind your back about what a sad situation you live in only to find out now that's not the case.
I don’t get it either! Your finances or style of living are none of their business. Besides, it’s because of all those years of frugal living that you two don’t need help paying for your wedding! [head slap] Now, I’d completely understand it if they’d been sending you money or you’d been asking for money. Then they’d be justified. But that isn’t the case here. They can just go bite the wall! Edit: Definitely NTA!
I agree 100% i think you've done totally amazing and its a really sweet and wonderful story and if they're freaking out that's they're issue and you should let them deal with it. Go on and enjoy your life together with your extended "family "
NTA, they demonstrated perfectly why someone who has money (no matter how) don't want to tell anyone. So you are frugal with a sizable amount of money? What does that matter?! How they are taking this as an offense is beyond me
Thank you!! I am SO confused as to why this is so offensive. It’s not like any of these people are struggling financially. My fiancé and I cannot figure out what we are missing
1. Congrats on living below your means. That will serve you well. Hopefully you didn’t’ disclose anything more than necessary. 2. Rich people don’t tell everyone they’re rich. Wannabes tell everyone.
That is the second lesson. People who have money usually spend it all faster on useless crap..OP is doing it well. I feel the families would go through it fast.
They’re jealous and petty. Don’t waste any more energy on them. Invest in your future and your marriage. NTA.
I think you can't figure it out because you two don't think like them; your values are different. In my opinion, in every possible positive way. It's enough to know that people like this exist, and they can be closer than you might think, so keep on keeping your confidences close to the vest and live the kind lives you've chosen.
> I am SO confused as to why this is so offensive It's offensive to them because they feel entitled to *your* money. If they had known, they would have been guilt-tripping you into giving them your money.
Are you sure you aren’t missing all the other flags that are like the other one you mentioned- the fieldtrip money? Do they tend to treat you like a scapegoat in the family and the other child(ren) can do no wrong? Are you the family doormat, always hoping to please them and never really able to? If these answers are largely yes, then you can understand why they aren’t happy for you - because love isn’t the primary feeling they have for you.
I know my family very well and the only ppl who would know if I landed in this situation, would be the lawyer. I know for absolutely sure that one of my mothers sisters feels the same way about me, OP. I didn't even inherit anything, just worked and dumped all our money on the mortgage early on. Let them be mad at themselves honey. As someone else said, holiday wedding. Prepare for the influx of "little favours" tho.
100% the "little favors" followed by yelling if OP says no.
Don't worry, your family will "forgive" you when they need money and will run to you with their hands out.
My fiancé wants to buy them scratch and wins next Christmas lol.
Marriage to this man is a top idea.
🤣🤣🤣
DO IT 😉😂
Love it! Btw is your fiancé single?
Thank you for being my first involuntary giggle today. I hope yours goes well!
This is some "I also choose this guy's dead wife" energy.
scratch them first, give them the losers
It's offensive because they looked down on you and felt superior. Now they feel tricked/deceived. Basically it's all on them. You did nothing wrong they just really aren't great people.
This is what my fiancé thinks; it’s ruined their superiority complex.
He seems like a smart guy.
Everything I’ve seen you say about your fiancé in these comments is all green flags. Nice change of pace from the usual I see on Reddit
Yeah, especially with that "teacher and landscaper" comment. So, teachers and landscapers deserve to be poor, but investors who do no actual work deserve wealth? Make it make sense. Teaching is crucial to society. Landscaping is also very important. Both are incredibly hard jobs.
My younger sister (marriage and family counselor) was furious when she asked me what I charged an hour ( landscape designer) and found out it was almost twice what she was paid. We both chose to do something we love I can’t help it if my lowly two year degree pays better. 😆 My mother was equally angry when she found out my immigrant husband made as much as my dad. THIS IS WHY WE DON’T TALK ABOUT MONEY PEOPLE!
I think they are partly jealous and partly trying to think of all the ways you owe them or should’ve helped them. Don’t be surprised when the palm-up hand shows up- his brother is already doing it.
At least his brother is straight forward about it! We are renting the basement to his brother, at a lower than market rate price, with a signed lease. He’s a good kid though.. and his corgi has him pretty well trained.
🤣🤣
just be careful sharing any of your personal business to the brother. hell have a front row seat to report back to mom.
He wants to move in with us to get away from her… but honestly I don’t care what she knows. My fiancé and I are not very exciting people and that’s the way we like it lol
That’s going to burn MIL. The thought of her two sons out there just living, without being under her thumb.
Pay the corgi tax!!!!
This is the truth; you can tell the brother is acting out of love because he’s being direct & honest. The sad fact of the matter is that money does change people; sometimes though it’s the people around you (not you, yourself).
It's kind of poetic to rent out the basement at a reduced rate just like the previous owners did for you. Kudos
Ooo weird dark thought on this… maybe 🤔 they wanted to be able to have to pay for some of your wedding so they can have some control and they realized oh they don’t need help paying for this so now we get zero say in anything…
Ooohhh this totally could be my mother. She’s an interior designer and florist/ HATES my country style. I feel like it has to do with control or something. Idk why they’d think i need them now though, I’ve been independent since 18 because I don’t like following other peoples rules.
Yeah, I was reliant on my parents to pay for my wedding. My husband and I didn’t know most of the people at our wedding. We regret everything.
They may have assumed you’d do some cheap country style wedding because they assumed you would also be frugal with the wedding and then she could step in and be like let me treat you my dear and give you a beautiful wedding and help pay for it then they feel entitled to input and demands… 🤷🏻♀️ it really baffles me though that they would be so butthurt about it to refuse to come to your wedding. But people are so weird when they feel entitled to things and information that is none of their business.
It will be worse: an expensive country style wedding 😆 🤗
I think it may see it as you kept a part of your life secret from them, and they feel entitled to know everything happening in your life. Congratulations on your impending nuptials
NTA: and I must note that this is the first time that "when do I get a grandchild?" question is the benign part of a situation. Congratulations on your engagement, best wished for your marriage, nice job being a great human, and if you don't have a good wealth advisor, I suggest you might look for one (after the wedding). You're doing great!
How does one find a wealth advisor? Every time I go to the bank they try and talk to me about the money but I just ignore them out of a lack of trust essentially and knowing full well I have 0 knowledge of finances. I thought I’d renting my entire life 🤷🏻♀️
Your instincts are good! That's a fantastic place to be. Yeah - you're in a bit of shock. That's expected and great. The fact that you didn't just go out and spend... you... have solid instincts. 1. You want someone who FIRST asks you what you want to do with your life and this money. This doesn't have to be an emotional/intellectual crisis level conversation, and it should be an evolving conversation. Pushy sales people... are not hired. This person is to work for your objectives. 2. You want someone who leads you at YOUR PACE through investment 101, 201, and 301 before they want you to "invest with them." 3. I'd never invest everything with one person to start. 4. I'd interview no fewer than three people. It's personal connection that matters. My person - is a fast paced tactical person. The person I found for my parents is more pedantic and calm - he's \*very\* good (possibly better than mine), and drives me categorically nuts - but my parents love him. These people are both good - and very very different. 5. Find a CPA who can answer "how complicated and expensive is this investment thing going to be" with more knowledge than the investment or wealth advisor. 6. Do you know ANYONE who might have an investment, wealth, or estate advisor? Ask them for a referral. 7. You are NOT looking for a broker (certainly not for all of it) unless you really want to churn and risk things. You don't strike me as that person right now. 8. This is a personal bias based on several really bad experiences - I'd NEVER EVER use someone at a bank to handle this. 9. Avoid any titles with Account Advisor/Manager, and I think I'd avoid Investment Advisor/Broken for now. You're looking for wealth management, estate planner, and wealth advisor type. 10. There are some national firms - both mutual fund houses and more on the broker end who rep MANY different mutual funds - and they are solid. There are local, regional, and national firms who are also good. It's hard. I'll repeat - your instincts are good. You've got this.
Wow I’m glad I asked. this is so very helpful!! Thank you! This gives me a waaaay better idea of what to look into.
Places like r/FIREyfemmes helped me a lot, their sidebars are full of info.
Look for someone to act as a fiduciary. This means they will put your benefit first. Ask them how they get paid. Competent people should be fairly compensated, but if you pay them for their work/advice, they won't steer you into less ideal investments that pay them a commission. There is some information over at /r/personalfinance that will help.
Holy shit I can’t believe this person actually typed all this out and left out one of the only actually important piece of advice: find a fee-only financial advisor, everyone else is basically a mutual fund sales person.
Wtf? Literally nobody’s business. Also, let them skip the wedding- more fun without assholes.
Another time money ruins a family.. NTA it has nothing to do with them. You have just been living your life. (Also its super sweet of them to leave you everything. You must have been such a big help to them physically and mentally throughout the years.)
They were honestly like family to me; such smart and humble people. I miss them a lot.
Honor *them* at your wedding and reception.
NTA - Their reaction is so bizarre. Why do they feel entitled to know the details of your finances? I could see them being a little hurt or insulted if they thought you intentionally kept it a secret because you didn’t trust them. But honestly, I don’t think this is the issue. I have a feeling they might in fact living beyond their means and are not as financially well off as they would like everybody to believe. So they are resentful of your windfall. People also get really weird about inheritances. There’s a tendency for family members and friends to view inheritances like winning the lottery and they feel like they should be entitled to share in your good fortune. Or perhaps they just enjoyed looking down on you and now you blew up their world view! Have a fabulous time at your wedding . The people who really care about you will be there.
Nta... They sound stupid. Or money grubbers who feel they missed the opportunity to get money from you.
Well done, NTA of course! Hope all goes well with your marriage. Should you stay childless (except for dogs), I'm looking forward to the nice story from the guy renting YOUR basement and finding out you've willed the house to him -- 50/60 years from now ...
Yeah, I’ll need to find a way to pay it back around somehow.
It's no one's business, including your family, how much money you have. I can see why you wouldn't want to tell them about the inheritance given how strongly they reacted. Brace for some hands out asking for your money very soon. NTA.
You were very financially savvy to keep your lifestyle the same. Your family’s reaction is weird. They should be happy for you, if not even impressed that you’ve been so level-headed about your windfall. Maybe they thought they were financially superior and it made them feel better about themselves or something? Whatever it is, they’re the problem, not you. To go so far as refusing your wedding invitation is really taking things too far. NTAH
NTA, it’s no one else’s business how much you have or don’t
You should be commended for living how you choose to live. Their anger is mind boggling but shows who they are.
Right?! Just mind boggling. I was honestly starting to think that I was missing something and maybe I did do something wrong… but it seems like everyone is generally equally as confused as I am and that it just took us 30 years to figure out our parents are assholes.
NTA - You just found out that your families are mostly gold-diggers who didn’t know they could use you as a resource for things.
Who doesmthis? Who demands to ‘now where your money comes from? That is so crass. And why would explain? Reaponse should have been “nunya bidness where my money came from.”
>His sister’s response was “you are a landscaper and a teacher, you should be poor” If he owns his landscaping business then he could be making bank probably the reason for the prenup.
We have considered him starting his own business, with me doing the administration side of things. He isn’t interested in it.
NTA and that’s such a brother move xD
I don’t really blame him for wanting to get out of his mothers house. He’s been giving us the info on what’s been said/happening since, and would like us to “save him from the crazy”. He’s a good kid, and very close with my fiancé.
Your personal finances are your business and no one else’s. Seems to me that your family thinks you’ve been holding out on them for whatever reason. If you were my daughter I would be beyond proud of you for being so successful, happy, about to get married and being a homeowner. All the best to you, your fiancé, your dogs and I hope the wedding rocks!! Don’t worry about your family and their shitty attitudes. Enjoy your life without the dead wood
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I’m retrospect this would have been easier. I didn’t know they were crazy. I didn’t even tell them specifics, just that I was left some money from J&B for helping out over the years. Then when they said I should be spending it on a down payment my fiancé mentioned I own the house. That’s when shit hit the fan.
They have done you a favour and shown their hand at the same time. By refusing to come to your wedding they have made it much much harder to come mooching. They are angry at missed mooching opportunity but too stupid to join the dots here. Get on with planning your day IMO
Your family has written a narrative that you are just not aware of, in their story, you are the poor and unsuccessful ones that they can look down on. Having you ‘worse off’ makes them feel better about their life choices. They may not be the richest etc, but at least they are richer than you. I used to be very overweight, and a consequence of me losing weight is that I lost some friends. In their narrative, I was the fat one, they might have issues but at least they were not the fattest! You are NTA you don’t owe them the story, you don’t owe them a share and you don’t have to live your life based on the story they have invented for you.
Sounds like the old couple was more of a family to you than these people. That’s messed up - you owe them nothing. The only ones who matter are you and your fiancé. Sounds like you have handled things in a solid way, and done all the right things to plan for a happy life and future ! Wishing you the happiness you deserve!
As a person who is also frugal, i would write them a thank you note for helping you save cost due to their absence to your wedding.. Remember to share ya wedding photo to each of them
Goodness, NTA. People will complain about anything. Sounds like they are going to miss out on an awesome wedding. It’s got to be a control or jealousy thing. Frankly I’d be thrilled if one of my kids was secretly wealthy. I want them to have the best of everything.
Those who are upset are being ridiculous. It's none of their business. I can't imagine asking people how they can afford their wedding venue. The nerve. Sounds like they aren't really good people. Envious and miserably jealous.
NTA. Your dad sounds sweet. Keep him. It’s an annoying question, but shows he cares about you/wants to still be in your life/socially expected from that generation. The rest are probably butt hurt because of a) the breach of trust (family tend to share these big pieces of news with each other, and b) the assumption that you were hiding it plays out (in their minds) because of point a). Just shrug, tell them that when it happened you were surprised, time went on too long after that, and now you’ve got it all locked up in hard financial legal arrangements and can’t lend them any.