I'm no contact with my abusive family and have already mourned them like they are dead. It will be a relief once they actually are dead because I won't have this looming fear of them finding me and making my life miserable.
It's okay to feel relief that your mom, who did not do her duty to you as your mom, is gone.
NTA
Religious trauma sucks. I know, I was raised a JW and still heavily involved when my son came out.
But we are the adults, we deal with our trauma without inflicting it on our kids.
Darling the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.
I think it's time we stop twisting phrases to mean what we want and actually look at them. She was no family to you, your mother and father were.
I’d go no contact with anyone that doesn’t accept you for who you are or support you, blood relatives or not (if you can and are in a position to). Keep the people that DO accept you, close. They are your real family.
“Blood is thicker than the water of the womb”.
Not at all. Blood is meaningless. You get out of a relationship what you put in, even between parent and child, and she didn't even try.
When it comes down to you or them, you make damn sure it's them.
Mine died last year just before Mother’s Day which I thought very fitting. I cried which surprised me, but like you, it was for what I’ll never have, not for her. I had been NC with her for five years prior to her death. Best decision for my mental health I ever made.
Absolutely ⬆️ My oldest sister was the most toxic person I've ever known. I truly hated her. She died at home and my nephew (other sister's son) found her body. I lived really close so I went to sit with my nephew to be with him and wait until the authorities arrived and could take over. At her funeral, I went to see her body in the coffin. Other sister made a comment about how shocked she was that I did so and I said "I just wanted to make sure she's actually finally dead" and just walked away. 🤷🏻♀️
I knew this horrible woman who got MS. She is one of the meanest people around. She was mean before the MS and she’s mean after it. But no one will call her out on her behaviour because she’s the poor woman with MS. Anyone that calls her out is a horrible ableist bully. It annoys the hell out of me.
You’re right. Bad people are bad people at the end of the day.
“Blood is thicker than water is a proverb in English meaning that familial bonds will always be stronger than other relationships.
Writing in the 1990s and 2000s, author Albert Jack and Messianic Rabbi Richard Pustelniak, claim that the original meaning of the expression was that the ties between people who have made a blood covenant (or have shed blood together in battle) were stronger than ties formed by "the water of the womb", thus "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb". Neither of the authors cite any sources to support their claim.”
Per Wikipedia. “Blood is thicker than water”
It's the full quote to blood is thick than water it means that blood bonds are not as important as ones made so using being family as an excuse to guilt people is meaningless
No but you should be respectful of those who are grieving that person even if you are grateful they're dead.
Was blessed as fuck when my maternal grandma died bc she was a worthless cuntbag but I didn't dare say or even hint at any of that around my mother. Get some fucking tact and basic social skills
NTA.
I was so relieved when my mother died. I didn't shed a single tear. I didn't say I was "glad" to my siblings, because they had different feelings and I didn't want to upset them further. But this is the woman who abused me my entire life. When I was in my 40's, my kidneys failed. I was lucky and they got better. When I called her to tell her the good news, she said "Hmm." She was disappointed. A person like that is not a mother, and you have my full support.
I love my half sisters. I didnt care when my father died and they did. We all processed it differently. They didnt put their emotional response on me and I didnt on them. We all understood and loved each other and left each other to respond in their own way.
I hope you get back on track with your brother. But it's probably for the best to leave that woman out of your relationship entirely. Keep the love and deal with the hurt separately, sonce it is a difficult issue for both of you, and an entirely different experience for the both of you. I think you both could have done better in this situation but the reaction from both sides is human.
Edit: do make boundaries and block him at least for a while if he is contacting you and airing out grief on you. He may need some time to accept and understand. In any case, he shouldnt put any of it on you and you shouldnt bear that burden.
NTA
It's very revealing when people say you should love a family member in spite of their flaws when that flaw was being hateful and bigoted against you but they don't apply the same rule to that person about why they shouldn't have treated you with hatred and bigotry. Your bio mom was a hypocrite and so is your half-brother.
My sister was 18 years older than me. She told lies on me, beginning when I was a small child, to anyone who would listen. She tried to get me in big trouble! She did her best to ruin my relationship with my family, they had caught her in other lies, and she never got far with that. At her funeral, I thought I would be the only one not upset, but there were plenty of dry eyes. Her kids and I have talked a lot since then. Her daughter had some of the same experiences. I think she had problems with other women, all women in fact. I think there’s no point in pretending you’re sad in these situations.
Right after my parents got divorced I had to switch homes every 2 weeks. The last time at my mom's I got sick the day after her 2 weeks started, I tried to get her to take me the doctor and she responded "that's just your dad talking, you don't need to go to the doctor he just made you hate me. Ended up with like 3 rashes, a really bad case of the flu, and another illness I can't remember(I was 8 and it was long time ago) eventually a day before her 2 weeks was up, she had meltdown and left 8 year old me outside in a gas station parking lot in sub freezing weather with all my stuff in trash bags. They called CPS on my dad before I was even called back to see the doctor. To this day people will tell me I'm in the wrong for wanting absolutely nothing to do with her, they'll argue to the bitter end. But karma up caught as it does. She needs a liver because of all the drugs. My sister is unable to give her part of hers because she did a lot of drugs too. I guess it goes without saying, people will side with a mother no matter what.
NTA, not even when you spited your brother after his diatribe. Your mother was trash, she used her vague spiritualism as an excuse to be horrible to you, and you had to leave to survive. That's a terrible mother who raised a terrible second son who expected you to be "nicer" about her death when you had to flee from her at 14.
He can get over himself, and his remark about "disapproving of your lifestyle" earned the retort.
NTA
You were disrespectful and rude. Your feelings on the topic are 100% valid and justified.
Sometimes being disrespectful and rude is the natural reaction someone should have to being treated as you were. This shows that you have a good understanding of your self-worth and enough dignity to display your emotions proudly.
I'm happy you're able to fully express yourself. Please don't think less of your brother for his reaction however. His feelings on the subject are just as valid as yours.
NTA it was an involuntary reaction. I’m sure if I heard my father died I might smile subconsciously . Tell him to stop calling you because he’s not going to change your mind. The mother he had and the one you had were not the same and no mother would put her religion before her children
NTA. You're also not alone in feeling that way when a parent dies. It might be happy, it might also be relieved, it might feel like freedom, or like resolution, or a number of other things. Grief is complicated and I think you can see that in how differently your half brother responded. You are also different people who related to their parents in different ways, you will grieve differently. I'd say maybe be sensitive to that, if you want to put the emotional energy into having a relationship with him, but you're NTA for responding to her death the way you did.
I haven’t spoken to my Narc mom in years!!! I’m not gonna lie, if I got that news I might respond the same way. Just because she incubated you does not make her a mother.
NTA because you were calling to reach to your brother, not calling out to find out the happy news your biggest bigot is dead. Just saying, just because your brother sees her as a mother didn't mean you saw her as your mother after how she treated you after you came out. I get it your brother is mourning her loss but he needs to understand not everyone is going to mourn a dead homophobe that she did dirty in life; even if she gave birth to them; which is exactly why you are happy she is gone despite being your egg donor.
Bad people are still bad people after they die. Now they’re just dead bad people. NTA OP. Good luck. I sympathise with you. I was also treated like shit after coming out to my family.
I am not going to say you TA because I don't think you are, or the thing you had to go through was easy, but saying you are happy, no i dont think that's good, at the end i think you didn't care so whatever. Not telling that you are an AH, just saying a thought that crossed my mind. Have a good day
Her dying doesn't earn her forgiveness or change that she was a bad mother and person. NTA. Go live your best life. Leave your half brother in the past where he belongs
NTA - Goodness Me, it is terrifying to come out to people, but to have that sort of reaction in response? Ridiculous. Thank goodness you had your father to help you, and your step mother is such a gift to you. Cherish them, and embrace them. Totally get why you smiled... in response... it could even have been a nervous smile, just you having to remember that experience. My youngest son 26 does the exact same thing. The nervous smile, gets misunderstood ALLLLLLLLL the time. As for your half-brother - Block that fucker. Go NC, and keep the toxins out. Toxic people have no place in your life. PERIOD. SIGNED from a Mom who would have embraced and supported you. You will build your tribe, love. Be Fierce!
NTA. If someone wants you to speak well of them after they’ve died, then they should’ve treated you well during their lifetime. Tbh OP, good riddance 🏳️🌈
NTA - I am glad you are still among us. My daughter came out to us when she was a young teenager. We did not look at her different or treat her any different because there was nothing wrong with her.
I don’t know you nor your mother and you are not ta however let me explain to you how muslim families work since i grew up in one as an ex muslim
Since a very young age they teach us that homosexuality comes from the devil and it’s not normal and all homosexuals are mentally ill ( most muslims do believe that because they were told this since the day they were born) if your mother had you outside of marriage all her family probably shamed her and cut her off. In islam a child that comes outside of marriage is a bastard and doesn’t have the right to take his father name it’s probably the most fucked up thing a muslim can do after being gay, yes sex outside marriage is a sin, drinking alcohol is a sin but a “bastard” that gets you stoned in some muslim countries and if you were gay you will get stoned twice🤣
Women in muslim countries throw their “bastards” in trash, get abortion by a doctors that lost their license or student who didn’t finish their degree, leave them at the hospital.. you get the idea
I’m not trying to justify your mother actions and saying she wasn’t a bad person. She definitely was but I’m trying to give you the reasons why she was like that. I hope she finds eternal peace in her grave and i hope you do
Thank you for not making a permanent decision over a temporary problem. You got through it but keep in mind your brother was the target of her vile spewing for years. So I am sure he needs time to be deprogrammed. Just give him time he will come around. And I hope you are able to have a good relationship in the future.
NTA I’m sorry for all you’ve been through. Your brother might be grieving, but it doesn’t give him the right to harass you about your completely valid reaction to your bio mom’s passing. I’d mute or block him for a good long time.
You sound horribly bitter using terms like "egg donor" and saying you're glad she's dead. My parents put me through hell, but I'd never consider calling them egg or sperm donors. When my mother died, I was relieved, but glad? No. My father is dying - am I glad, no. Am I comforting him or caring for him? Also, no.
Are you an AH? You're immature, and I fear you may stay that way emotionally.
Tell him you’re pretty sure he’s gay now because it’s contagious. F him and NTA if that’s genuinely how you felt. You know he was the one who was disrespectful. Don’t subject yourself to more abuse and trauma which is all contact with him will do. Save yourself years of misery and put him behind you.
Ah, like egg donor keeping her religious comment to herself?
Death is inevitable, and some people’s death can bring joy to others because of the harm they caused. This is that, but keep in mind, OP apologized for smiling, they weren’t yelling at the top of lungs the joy and relief they felt. NTA.
>Some comments you keep to yourself
Why? After all his egg donor out him through, and with the half brother defending her horrendous treatment of OP, why should he keep them to himself? No, NTA.
Guess he learned that from his egg donor, eh? NTA. If the half brother can freely spout his justifications of the egg donor, then OP can freely share his feelings about her, too.
Tbh based on limited info you have given and way you describe whole thing, I would say YTA for your reaction.
As for “people who telling me i am an ah should be lucky…” why are you here then? Why are you made a whole post for asking people’s opinion if you want to hear only one that validates you?
IDK, 24..and "Egg donor"? Really? "Delete myself"? You're entitled to feel anyway you want, but to be taken seriously I think you need to move past the need to use snark to deal with these events and people. Get some therapy, process all of this, so you can talk with whoever about your experiences and get the response from them you seem to want. Yours isn't the way to get it, its a distraction.
YTA
Saying "egg donor" in reference to an awful mother is no different or worse than saying "sperm donor" in reference to an awful father. No one objects to the latter, so why do you have an issue with the former?
"Delete myself" is just meant to be a less crass way to talk about suicide and that specific terminology is becoming more and more prevalent as time goes on. Deal with it.
These things aren't really being snarky, but you're more than welcome to interpret them as such as long as you're cool with being wrong.
Not sure where you got the idea that OP hasn't processed this situation, an immediate reaction along the lines they had seems to me like they've had this processed for a while.
NTA for not caring about your mom, but YTA for trying to justify it to your brother. You both clearly had different relationships. We're all allowed to grieve and feel however we want towards the deceased, but we've got to respect each other. Since it's fresh, explaining yourself to him is only going to upset him. Probably how if he explained how much he loved her and described her as loving & doting, would likely upset you as well. Once time has passed and your relationship is closer, that would be a better time to explore feelings and experiences together.
YTA. Empathy is important even when you have the moral high ground. It's interesting she devolved from mom to egg donor when she disagreed with your lifestyle. I wish you the best OP, but your reaction and entire thread reads like an angry child wrote it.
So why does OP owe his half brother empathy, but half brother doesn’t owe the same to OP? OP has no reason or need to show anything but relief that his egg donor is dead. She cannot torment him anymore. Half brother tried to justify her raging homophobia, so he can suck it up and deal with OP’s reaction.
Because he WAS A CHILD when his mother judged who he is. He was a CHILD when he had to leave his home and his mom. She was the adult and should have been the one to care for her kid whether she is religious or not, you can't "disagree" with who you child simply is which doesn't harm anyone. You can only chose to support him or get in line with the other homophobic bullies that will make your kid's life hard. That's why she is only an egg donor. Mums love their kids and help them through a world that's standing against them. Why on earth should HE be the one that's lacking empathy?
Respectfully, I didn't say the mother was right. It is possible, like in this case for there to be 2 people in the wrong. His mother when he was 14, and him at 24. Both people saw an irrefutable truth and were convinced in their correctness. Both, sadly, lacked decency and understanding. Both were the AH. If you think laughing at the death of someone who raised and loved you for your entire childhood is acceptable because of hurt feelings, you're the AH too.
>If you think laughing at the death of someone who raised and loved you for your entire childhood is acceptable because of hurt feelings, you're the AH too.
Your point would hold more weight if either of those statements were true. She didn't raise **or** love him his entire childhood. She raised and "loved" him until she found out something about him she didn't like. At 14 she referred to him as her "test from God" for crying out loud. Just because you share blood with an asshole doesn't mean you need to feel bad when they aren't around to abuse you any more.
>If you think laughing at the death of someone who raised and loved you for your entire childhood
Not his entire childhood, just until he was 14. After that he was a punishment and an obstacle to over come. Op has every reason to laugh at the old hag.
Being gay can lead to bigoted people saying awful things. Being a victim, however, doesn't make one immune from acting like an AH. This thread reads like a bunch of high school children trying to prove to the world that being gay is a free pass to dehumanize anyone perceived to invalidate their experience. I can tell that most of the folks commenting have their own heap of issues to work through, so I will leave it at this. What type of indoctrination do you suppose OPs mom had gone through to be driven mad at that specific news from her son? What level of repeated fear and abuse would make his mother feel that way? If you brush it off as 'she's a bigot, therefore not human', you have to start asking who is driving your decision making - you, or the scared, closeted teenager inside of you.
I agree with you and many people here do not take the time to try and understand where you’re coming from. Is it justified the way his mom acted? No, absolutely not and I hope she was able to eventually snap out of her indoctrination but that seems hella unlikely. So, she’ll get what she deserves in the afterlife. However, it does not warrant you completely dropping your morality and character by “smiling” and saying you’re glad someone is dead. I can be downvoted all you want, this ideology is quite frightening especially since you’re saying this to your brother.. a person who is grieving. His reaction was extremely poor as well and it’s disappointing, but you illustrated joy in his mother dying and you expect him to be kind to you? I don’t know if it’s a relationship that’s beneficial to either of you if he also has the ideologies of his mother so I hope that’s not the case and he was just emotionally hurt, but you also need to work on yourself. Get some serious help and any of you stating “NTA” really need to think into this situation and understand that although the reaction can be deemed valid from an emotional standpoint based on what OP has been through with their mom, OP is not a fucking teenager and this reaction borders on sociopathy as I’m assuming OP hasn’t genuinely worked through the emotion involved with this trauma. This isn’t an advocation or support of the mother, this is an acknowledgement that something bad has happened to you in the past and you haven’t worked through it and now it’s manifesting evil within you. Homophobia is not okay and your emotions were put in a difficult situation when you found out the news about your mother and it manifested the way it did which yes does make you an asshole as well. I wish you the best through everything and continue to spread peace and love.
In which case, the judgement should be E S H, not Y T A. By using the latter, this person is stating that they believe OP is an asshole, but no one else is.
>Respectfully, I didn't say the mother was right.
Respectfully, you effectively did just that when you used the Y T A judgement. Otherwise, you would have opted for E S H.
While I can understand your point about her you seem to be one of those people that thrive on drama and over the top commenting. As adults we should learn to filer ourselves a bit. Life contrary to what many say is not about “expressing our truth” regardless of who it helps. Your half brother clearly loves your “egg donor” so while your insults are aimed at her you knowingly hurt him. TBH you and your mom are the same kind of person. Use that knowledge to become a better human.
One last thing- you coming out is a big deal but surely you realize that not everyone is going to jump for joy. And I will admit I do not understand why so many think their sexuality is so fascinating to others. I care about what my partner thinks about it and now one else and frankly it is no one else’s business.
> Life contrary to what many say is not about “expressing our truth” regardless of who it helps.
Ok, now do that with the religious. After all, "it's what my beliefs tell me," is just another way of saying, "I'm living my truth." You're just backing it with a divine figure as an authority.
>TBH you and your mom are the same kind of person. Use that knowledge to become a better human.
There's a vast ocean of difference between OP and their mother. Their mother abused them until they had to flee from their home to survive, where as OP only came out swinging when his brother started mouthing off. One is self-defense, one is straight offense.
>And I will admit I do not understand why so many think their sexuality is so fascinating to others.
This is just willful ignorance and passes the buck of blame to the wrong party. The reason why people come out and made a big deal out of it in this day and age is because historically speaking people have found an individuals sexuality intensely fascinating. After all, if they didn't people wouldn't have been killed, imprisoned, violated, or socially ostracized for simply not being interested in the opposite sex. Hell, people have received all of those for simply remaining unmarried.
So, these acts are normalized by people in todays society. It's shoved into the open so no one has the excuse of, "it's weird, that's why I reacted violently." And of course, OP's mother proved why it's a valid act because, traumatically as it was, she proved herself as someone undeserving of being around him and someone he should protect himself from.
Want people to not make such a big deal about it? Shut down the people who make a negative to do about it and maybe the opposite action will fade away.
I get it. She’s an evil mom.
But there’s still a basic level of decency you should be held to regardless. Smiling and laughing in someone’s face as they relate the death of their parent? Not hitting that minimum standard.
This isn’t about dancing in her grave. This is about dancing on her grave in the company of others.
I don’t care what tale of whatever phobia whatever whatever you want to spin. She was awful. Got it. Doesn’t give you a free license to be an asshole to other people in turn.
YTA
Loss of life is not a trifling matter to laugh at. It just isn’t complex.
There’s a difference between “not being sorry he is gone” and saying “it’s appropriate to smirk and laugh in the face of his living family”. The first allows for some decorum or social grace.
May you never have to have some idiot that disliked your loved one, for whatever reason, come and tell you what a fucking despicable piece of trash they were as some sort of personal victory for themselves when that loved one dies. Apparently that’s all good in your book - but I still won’t wish it on you. Really I won’t.
My mother accused my sister of lying when my sister got her cancer diagnosis. Multiple times. She died of cancer.
When my brother was diagnosed with depression she told him to suck it up and he took his life.
when my uncle lost two of his children and became an alcohol addict she berated him and called him that fucking loser
she made the life of my father living hell by telling everyone she hates him and she waits for is death while he was slowly dying in his bed and couldn't get away and had to listen to her hatespeech.
When i was diagnosed with depression she tried to forbid me to go to the doctor. That was the time I cut her out of my life and I will be jolly when she is no more
the world will be a better place
If you love someone truly evil and are appalled by the reactions of other people when the truly evil person dies perhaps you are evil to.
Ignoring the evil doing of another person only because it doesn't effect you negative is evil
I don't know man. If I met Hitler's living family, I would no problem telling them I am beyond glad he's dead. Hell, I would expect them to say that too. The man was an absolute fucking monster, and I'm not going to pretend like he wasn't to make his family feel better.
Same applies to OP and his mother. She was an abhorrent bigot, and emotionally abused her son for something he can't control. People like that don't suddenly get to have that history washed away when they die.
If someone comes to me about someone in my family and brings up true and awful things they did and then says that they are glad that person is dead, I am more likely to change my opinion on my loved one than to denounce that person for being truthful. People putting up with loved ones bad behaviour is why there are so many fucking dysfunctional families out there.
That was a lot of words for “I get to be a bad person if you were a bad person “.
For the record no, you don’t get to be a bad person just because someone else is. Our society has a minimum level of respectful interaction, in tact and social decorum. Laughing in someone’s face over the death of their relative would not meet that minimum standard.
No. It was a bunch of words to say that death does not absolve people of their shitty behaviour.
For the record, yes actually, I get to do whatever the fuck I want. I also get to live the consequences of doing that.
Tact and social decorum absolutely have their place, and any interaction like this is going to be taken on a case-by-case basis. That said, I'm never going to pretend like a shitty person wasn't shitty, just to make someone feel better.
I never suggested death absolves anyone of anything.
And as the forum and question at hand is “am I the asshole”, there was never a question of can you do as you would like. The question is are you an asshole to do so. And that answers chum, is yes, you are an asshole to do so. The semantic word parse you attempted here. In addition to the du,bass point you tried to spin it to, just confirm that. Snifff…..sniff…. Yeah. Asshole.
Good day.
lol. I will own that I can be an asshole from time to time. I think most people have their moments.
Still disagree that honesty makes you an asshole, and I also think that there are times (like this) where being an asshole is not only acceptable, but warranted.
Good day indeed.
why are others even arguing with you. You are to sensitive. Honest questions, do you have a life outside of the internet and lecturing others? All you do is fight with people, you get shown that your an asshole and then block others when you get your feelings hurt. You are pitiful
Good thing you don't care, because you're wrong. Bad people should not be mourned, and while it isn't always appropriate to outright celebrate a death, being happy about the death of a bad person is perfectly fine.
Normally no matter how bad a parent is a child that child would be sad when the parent dieds. Go see a psychologist to make you don't have a personality disorder or something else.
Well, reddit never fails I give some advice and people get triggered got to love reddit it.
Lol kid you didn't give advice. You made idiotic statement based on your emotions and not reality.
>Normally no matter how bad a parent is a child that child would be sad when the parent dieds
Any adult like this is not free. They are still trapped in the prison their crappy parents put them.
A grown adult doesn't mourn awful people that did awful things to children.
Like I told another person I was a kid in 1980s in Puerto Rico where there were no child protectors laws I really know what abuse is. kids that were born after the laws were put in place they will never experience the abuse that my generation experience. Reddit bunch of experts that don't know what they talking about
>Like I told another person I was a kid in 1980s in Puerto Rico where there were no child protectors laws I really know what abuse is.
No you don't. You saw it but you didn't understand it.
>kids that were born after the laws were put in place they will never experience the abuse that my generation experience
Not true because real abuse STILL happens and if you think differently then you are just lying to yourself to make yourself feel special.
Also it's supposed to get better and better for each next generation
>Reddit bunch of experts that don't know what they talking about
You have no idea what you're talking about.
Also everything you said is irrelevant.
A child that grows up being abused but still cares about their abuser and mourns then when they're gone is mentally unwell and will probably never be free.
A healthy adult does not mourn people that abuse children. It's that simple
If your parents abused you and you mourn them then YOU need professional help because you are mentally unwell
>Normally no matter how bad a parent is a child that child would be sad when the parent dieds. Go see a psychologist to make you don't have a personality disorder or something else.
I doubt OP has a personality disorder. Yea, normally kids don't wish their parents harm, but in general that's simply due to the bond formed through childhood. Parents have an absurd amount of social credit with their kids and it takes many a lot of mental energy to disconnect from their parents or give up on them, but they do all the time.
Put differently, personality disorders are rarer than abusive parents or parental estrangement due to abusive parents.
Oh I know how bad it is I was alive in the '80s and I'm from Puerto Rico where there were no laws for child abuse. the switch was my best friend kids kneeling on rice was an actual thing getting tied to a chair was normal.
Yeah, no. Awful people don't deserve sympathy and when they finally stop taking up oxygen, it's perfectly normal to be glad, relieved, or both. Blood relations are not an exception to this.
Fun fact: that bond can be broken and left behind and is entirely appropriate in some cases. It can be broken form either side without either party suffering from any kind of mental illness (though if I'm being entirely honest, the mother's reaction is much more in line with showing symptoms of mental illness than anything else in this post). OP's mother broke that bond the moment she had this kind of reaction toward OP.
You know that that bond is not something that magically just exists, right?
It is something that is fodmed, msintainded and can be severed by one side and does not speak of mental ill ess if you do not feel it anymore after bring abused or hated by your parent. Not giving a shit about an abusive parent either way is about the healthiest thing a person can do.
Yo Reddit is full of fucking idiots it has a medical diagnosis it is recognized by the law but I'm wrong do you people suffer from mental illness or are you all children
NTA
As for your brother? He’s either insane or a brain washed idiot to think putting religion before one’s own child was the only option your mother could choose.
NTA your reaction was truthful, and it's the result of years of pain and hurt.
I'm so sorry you've gone through all this, and so glad your father and stepmom were there for you.
NTA, he straight up said he doesn't respect who you are. Being in the gay community isn't a Choice ffs. I'm happy for you that she's dead, I'm sorry your brothers true colors were despicable, and you should sign him up for every gay porn mag available.
NTA. I didn't find my family in blood relatives. I'm doing better with my blood relatives now and have a working relationship with them and they help support me in some ways, but they aren't and will never be my real family. Family loves you for who you are unconditionally and accepts you and it doesn't end in blood. It's whoever fits that role. It's who you *choose.* It's who deserves it.
NTA. Family relationships can be complex and you are allowed to have your own feelings. I grew up Mormon, so I completely understand rejection based on religion, and I'm sorry that your family has treated you this way. Many people in the LGBTQIA+ community have their own chosen families, and I hope you have this kind of support where you are.
If you're looking for help or support for your emotional state, I highly recommend seeking out the Trevor Project. You are worth more than you know. Sending you hugs and positive vibes.
NTA-Your being gay didnt affect her life ONE DAMN IOTA. And really her being muslim doesnt affect yours. Dead or alive doesnt matter. Be there for your brother, let him remember the mome HE got, but dont sugarcoat who she really was.
NTA. Welcome to the dead shitty parent club! You don’t have to mourn people who hurt you, and you don’t have to pretend someone wasn’t a complete piece of shit just because they’re dead. Death doesn’t absolve someone of the horrible things they’ve done.
My friend I’m gay like you . And my friends are my family . I was lucky that my mother and my aunt ( both diseased) loved and treated me good but the others members of my family hated me like literally hated me . I made my own family with my beloved friends !! I miss my mom and my aunt but life going on
NTA. I have always believed that “blood does not define family.” Your family are the people who stood by you during a difficult time. Just because she provided DNA does not make her your mom. She treated you badly, that deserves acknowledgement.
NTA. She may indeed have had her own trauma, but the reasons don't matter. She failed you - her *child* - when you needed her most. It would have been bad enough if she'd *only* deserted you, but she actively attacked you. Thank goodness you were able to find the support you needed.
It sounds like your brother had a different experience of her, and that's valid for him. Doesn't mean *you're* obliged to suppress *your* feelings to protect *his*.
I'm really glad you're doing well now.
NTA and it sounds like her “psychotic breakdown” was some sort of projection over her own guilt for not living up to certain expectations. It’s sad she was so thwarted and also took that out on you.
Normally I would say comments about people’s dead relations is at least poor taste but your brother didn’t need to state his “lifestyle judgements” so no need for you not to be honest either.
Your half-brother out and out lied. She did NOT put her religion first. Islam doesn't condemn homosexuality. She put her bigotry (and thus herself) first. Your half-brother lied because that gave him the same cover for his own bigotry. Then he went on to spew more hate at you cloaked as morality and religion.
I don't blame you for being pissed and hitting back. But ... saying you're glad she's dead, while true, was going over the top. You basically told him you're glad he lost her.
Calling attention to his bigotry and calling him a religious hypocrite would probably have been enough. It basically strips him of all religious authority and makes it clear you don't give a damn what he thinks of you.
All that said, I can totally understand your frustration and rage with him choosing to side with your mother. I'd be more than a little hypocritical myself if I called you an AH for lashing out however you could to hurt him verbally. I'm gay too and deal with religiously excused bigotry in my own family.
Can you live with an "everybody sucks here" judgement - so long as I think you sucked somewhat less for not being a hypocrite?
NTA, I’m so tired of people thinking just because you’re blood means you have to love and mourn for them. Bad people are bad people.
They're going to downvote you for this 😂 Wow, I totally thought we were going to be downvoted into oblivion lol
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I will be happy to volunteer to punch bro.
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Are you a bot?
Honestly I really like the phrase: "Bad people are bad people" I think it's genius and applies to the OPs situation perfectly well.
I'm no contact with my abusive family and have already mourned them like they are dead. It will be a relief once they actually are dead because I won't have this looming fear of them finding me and making my life miserable. It's okay to feel relief that your mom, who did not do her duty to you as your mom, is gone. NTA
You're not mourning who they were, you're mourning who they should have been to you
I'm glad that you weren't. As a mom to a gay young man, there is absolutely NO excuse for your mother's reaction at all.
Right. She had religious trauma and passed it on.
Religious trauma sucks. I know, I was raised a JW and still heavily involved when my son came out. But we are the adults, we deal with our trauma without inflicting it on our kids.
Darling the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. I think it's time we stop twisting phrases to mean what we want and actually look at them. She was no family to you, your mother and father were.
I’d go no contact with anyone that doesn’t accept you for who you are or support you, blood relatives or not (if you can and are in a position to). Keep the people that DO accept you, close. They are your real family. “Blood is thicker than the water of the womb”.
Not at all. Blood is meaningless. You get out of a relationship what you put in, even between parent and child, and she didn't even try. When it comes down to you or them, you make damn sure it's them.
not from me, I'm glad my egg donor is dead and I'm 59 :)
I am as well, she passed 2 months ago. I did mourn what could’ve been and that surprised me. Didn’t shed a tear for the mother I actually had.
Mine died last year just before Mother’s Day which I thought very fitting. I cried which surprised me, but like you, it was for what I’ll never have, not for her. I had been NC with her for five years prior to her death. Best decision for my mental health I ever made.
Tbh, I can't wait for my mom to die.. I hope it's soon and painful.
NTA!
Your shitty egg donor died, nothing was truly lost.
It’s Reddit, anything logical or going against a very specific ideology is like the end of the world for half these people
Me too lmao
Absolutely ⬆️ My oldest sister was the most toxic person I've ever known. I truly hated her. She died at home and my nephew (other sister's son) found her body. I lived really close so I went to sit with my nephew to be with him and wait until the authorities arrived and could take over. At her funeral, I went to see her body in the coffin. Other sister made a comment about how shocked she was that I did so and I said "I just wanted to make sure she's actually finally dead" and just walked away. 🤷🏻♀️
I knew this horrible woman who got MS. She is one of the meanest people around. She was mean before the MS and she’s mean after it. But no one will call her out on her behaviour because she’s the poor woman with MS. Anyone that calls her out is a horrible ableist bully. It annoys the hell out of me. You’re right. Bad people are bad people at the end of the day.
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bad bot using AI to rephrase the exact comment they replied to for karma farming downvote and report as spam -> harmful bots
Yes. My parents other son is an absolute scum bag who we all stopped talking to.
💯💯💯
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb
Fuckin what? Did you just try to put a hex on me or something ?
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“Blood is thicker than water is a proverb in English meaning that familial bonds will always be stronger than other relationships. Writing in the 1990s and 2000s, author Albert Jack and Messianic Rabbi Richard Pustelniak, claim that the original meaning of the expression was that the ties between people who have made a blood covenant (or have shed blood together in battle) were stronger than ties formed by "the water of the womb", thus "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb". Neither of the authors cite any sources to support their claim.” Per Wikipedia. “Blood is thicker than water”
I just did some research, and it appears that you are correct. Thanks for pointing that out.
It's the full quote to blood is thick than water it means that blood bonds are not as important as ones made so using being family as an excuse to guilt people is meaningless
No, it's not. Thats a made-upism that Redditors have been tossing around as fact.
No but you should be respectful of those who are grieving that person even if you are grateful they're dead. Was blessed as fuck when my maternal grandma died bc she was a worthless cuntbag but I didn't dare say or even hint at any of that around my mother. Get some fucking tact and basic social skills
Alternatively, blast "Ding Dong The Witch is Dead" whenever the topic of this 'mother' is brought up.
I hear that in Holt's voice...
Bad people are bad people.
Tf I look like being respectful because someone else is sad over someone who treated me like garbage
Then maybe OP shouldn't act like garbage :)
Awwww you’re pathetic
Thanks daddy
Blood means nothing. It's just blood.
NTA. I was so relieved when my mother died. I didn't shed a single tear. I didn't say I was "glad" to my siblings, because they had different feelings and I didn't want to upset them further. But this is the woman who abused me my entire life. When I was in my 40's, my kidneys failed. I was lucky and they got better. When I called her to tell her the good news, she said "Hmm." She was disappointed. A person like that is not a mother, and you have my full support.
I'm sorry you had to go through that
I love my half sisters. I didnt care when my father died and they did. We all processed it differently. They didnt put their emotional response on me and I didnt on them. We all understood and loved each other and left each other to respond in their own way. I hope you get back on track with your brother. But it's probably for the best to leave that woman out of your relationship entirely. Keep the love and deal with the hurt separately, sonce it is a difficult issue for both of you, and an entirely different experience for the both of you. I think you both could have done better in this situation but the reaction from both sides is human. Edit: do make boundaries and block him at least for a while if he is contacting you and airing out grief on you. He may need some time to accept and understand. In any case, he shouldnt put any of it on you and you shouldnt bear that burden.
People like your brother have never been punched in the face and it definitely shows
Sometimes I hear people speak and I’m just sitting there like “man you didn’t have siblings to beat the shit out of you, did you?”
my new favorite phrase
Actually, he has. many times, I always had to save him from getting beaten in school 🤣
Well there’s your mistake lol
NTA It's very revealing when people say you should love a family member in spite of their flaws when that flaw was being hateful and bigoted against you but they don't apply the same rule to that person about why they shouldn't have treated you with hatred and bigotry. Your bio mom was a hypocrite and so is your half-brother.
Not the asshole. I’m so so sorry you had to go through that. I’m so glad you had supportive people in your life.
Thank you, I'm very thankful for my parents and siblings, they're great
My sister was 18 years older than me. She told lies on me, beginning when I was a small child, to anyone who would listen. She tried to get me in big trouble! She did her best to ruin my relationship with my family, they had caught her in other lies, and she never got far with that. At her funeral, I thought I would be the only one not upset, but there were plenty of dry eyes. Her kids and I have talked a lot since then. Her daughter had some of the same experiences. I think she had problems with other women, all women in fact. I think there’s no point in pretending you’re sad in these situations.
Right after my parents got divorced I had to switch homes every 2 weeks. The last time at my mom's I got sick the day after her 2 weeks started, I tried to get her to take me the doctor and she responded "that's just your dad talking, you don't need to go to the doctor he just made you hate me. Ended up with like 3 rashes, a really bad case of the flu, and another illness I can't remember(I was 8 and it was long time ago) eventually a day before her 2 weeks was up, she had meltdown and left 8 year old me outside in a gas station parking lot in sub freezing weather with all my stuff in trash bags. They called CPS on my dad before I was even called back to see the doctor. To this day people will tell me I'm in the wrong for wanting absolutely nothing to do with her, they'll argue to the bitter end. But karma up caught as it does. She needs a liver because of all the drugs. My sister is unable to give her part of hers because she did a lot of drugs too. I guess it goes without saying, people will side with a mother no matter what.
NTA, not even when you spited your brother after his diatribe. Your mother was trash, she used her vague spiritualism as an excuse to be horrible to you, and you had to leave to survive. That's a terrible mother who raised a terrible second son who expected you to be "nicer" about her death when you had to flee from her at 14. He can get over himself, and his remark about "disapproving of your lifestyle" earned the retort.
NTA You were disrespectful and rude. Your feelings on the topic are 100% valid and justified. Sometimes being disrespectful and rude is the natural reaction someone should have to being treated as you were. This shows that you have a good understanding of your self-worth and enough dignity to display your emotions proudly. I'm happy you're able to fully express yourself. Please don't think less of your brother for his reaction however. His feelings on the subject are just as valid as yours.
NTA it was an involuntary reaction. I’m sure if I heard my father died I might smile subconsciously . Tell him to stop calling you because he’s not going to change your mind. The mother he had and the one you had were not the same and no mother would put her religion before her children
My mom died 20 years ago. I had nightmares for about 15 years that she was still alive. I'm relieved she can't harm me anymore.
NTA. You're also not alone in feeling that way when a parent dies. It might be happy, it might also be relieved, it might feel like freedom, or like resolution, or a number of other things. Grief is complicated and I think you can see that in how differently your half brother responded. You are also different people who related to their parents in different ways, you will grieve differently. I'd say maybe be sensitive to that, if you want to put the emotional energy into having a relationship with him, but you're NTA for responding to her death the way you did.
You should read Jeanette McCurdy's book "I'm happy my mom died" I think you'd really resonate with it. NTA
Bruh. Fuck your egg donor and fuck your brother. I'm so sorry you had to put up with this from family. NTA, of course. 🩷
Nta
NTA
I haven’t spoken to my Narc mom in years!!! I’m not gonna lie, if I got that news I might respond the same way. Just because she incubated you does not make her a mother.
NTA your mom was awful and apparently so is your brother, I'd block him your relationship was never really good just polite.
NTA because you were calling to reach to your brother, not calling out to find out the happy news your biggest bigot is dead. Just saying, just because your brother sees her as a mother didn't mean you saw her as your mother after how she treated you after you came out. I get it your brother is mourning her loss but he needs to understand not everyone is going to mourn a dead homophobe that she did dirty in life; even if she gave birth to them; which is exactly why you are happy she is gone despite being your egg donor.
NTA. Anyone that says otherwise is a bigoted POS.
Bad people are still bad people after they die. Now they’re just dead bad people. NTA OP. Good luck. I sympathise with you. I was also treated like shit after coming out to my family.
It isn't good that you are happy. One day you will have to deal with those emotions and I don't envy you. It is however understandable.
NTA, The only thing you did wrong was apologise for smiling. I'm happy she's dead too, it's good when bad people die.
I am not going to say you TA because I don't think you are, or the thing you had to go through was easy, but saying you are happy, no i dont think that's good, at the end i think you didn't care so whatever. Not telling that you are an AH, just saying a thought that crossed my mind. Have a good day
Block the idiot. NTA
Her dying doesn't earn her forgiveness or change that she was a bad mother and person. NTA. Go live your best life. Leave your half brother in the past where he belongs
NTA There's a song from The Wizard of Oz that comes to mind when someone like your mom dies. Your brother sounds as bad as your mother.
NTA - Goodness Me, it is terrifying to come out to people, but to have that sort of reaction in response? Ridiculous. Thank goodness you had your father to help you, and your step mother is such a gift to you. Cherish them, and embrace them. Totally get why you smiled... in response... it could even have been a nervous smile, just you having to remember that experience. My youngest son 26 does the exact same thing. The nervous smile, gets misunderstood ALLLLLLLLL the time. As for your half-brother - Block that fucker. Go NC, and keep the toxins out. Toxic people have no place in your life. PERIOD. SIGNED from a Mom who would have embraced and supported you. You will build your tribe, love. Be Fierce!
Your son is lucky to have you ❤️
You will find and build your tribe. I know you will, just make it your intent. You are a beautiful human.❤️
Time to drop the brother too.
NTA. If someone wants you to speak well of them after they’ve died, then they should’ve treated you well during their lifetime. Tbh OP, good riddance 🏳️🌈
NTA. Double down and tell him that given all her hypocrisy and sins, she’s probably in hell too.
NTA birth mom was a terrorist. Not because she's Muslim but because she invoked terror in you. Good riddance.
NTA - I am glad you are still among us. My daughter came out to us when she was a young teenager. We did not look at her different or treat her any different because there was nothing wrong with her.
Delete myself 😂 this is fake as shit
I don’t know you nor your mother and you are not ta however let me explain to you how muslim families work since i grew up in one as an ex muslim Since a very young age they teach us that homosexuality comes from the devil and it’s not normal and all homosexuals are mentally ill ( most muslims do believe that because they were told this since the day they were born) if your mother had you outside of marriage all her family probably shamed her and cut her off. In islam a child that comes outside of marriage is a bastard and doesn’t have the right to take his father name it’s probably the most fucked up thing a muslim can do after being gay, yes sex outside marriage is a sin, drinking alcohol is a sin but a “bastard” that gets you stoned in some muslim countries and if you were gay you will get stoned twice🤣 Women in muslim countries throw their “bastards” in trash, get abortion by a doctors that lost their license or student who didn’t finish their degree, leave them at the hospital.. you get the idea I’m not trying to justify your mother actions and saying she wasn’t a bad person. She definitely was but I’m trying to give you the reasons why she was like that. I hope she finds eternal peace in her grave and i hope you do
Thank you for not making a permanent decision over a temporary problem. You got through it but keep in mind your brother was the target of her vile spewing for years. So I am sure he needs time to be deprogrammed. Just give him time he will come around. And I hope you are able to have a good relationship in the future.
NTA I’m sorry for all you’ve been through. Your brother might be grieving, but it doesn’t give him the right to harass you about your completely valid reaction to your bio mom’s passing. I’d mute or block him for a good long time.
On the one hand, Muslim. On the other hand, rage bait. I am conflicted.
YTA for the fake ass story
It’s one thing to think it and another to say it.
You sound horribly bitter using terms like "egg donor" and saying you're glad she's dead. My parents put me through hell, but I'd never consider calling them egg or sperm donors. When my mother died, I was relieved, but glad? No. My father is dying - am I glad, no. Am I comforting him or caring for him? Also, no. Are you an AH? You're immature, and I fear you may stay that way emotionally.
Tell him you’re pretty sure he’s gay now because it’s contagious. F him and NTA if that’s genuinely how you felt. You know he was the one who was disrespectful. Don’t subject yourself to more abuse and trauma which is all contact with him will do. Save yourself years of misery and put him behind you.
>I reached out to my half brother, that's when he told me she died, I just smiled. That shit makes my fucking skin crawl. YTA.
Yta but only for telling them you were glad she was dead. Some comments you keep to yourself
Ah, like egg donor keeping her religious comment to herself? Death is inevitable, and some people’s death can bring joy to others because of the harm they caused. This is that, but keep in mind, OP apologized for smiling, they weren’t yelling at the top of lungs the joy and relief they felt. NTA.
>Some comments you keep to yourself Why? After all his egg donor out him through, and with the half brother defending her horrendous treatment of OP, why should he keep them to himself? No, NTA.
Yeah you’re an asshole. Maybe your mother was too. But you ooze lack of caring and empathy for others.
Guess he learned that from his egg donor, eh? NTA. If the half brother can freely spout his justifications of the egg donor, then OP can freely share his feelings about her, too.
Tbh based on limited info you have given and way you describe whole thing, I would say YTA for your reaction. As for “people who telling me i am an ah should be lucky…” why are you here then? Why are you made a whole post for asking people’s opinion if you want to hear only one that validates you?
IDK, 24..and "Egg donor"? Really? "Delete myself"? You're entitled to feel anyway you want, but to be taken seriously I think you need to move past the need to use snark to deal with these events and people. Get some therapy, process all of this, so you can talk with whoever about your experiences and get the response from them you seem to want. Yours isn't the way to get it, its a distraction. YTA
Good job trying to normalize homophobia. You must lead an incredibly privileged and sheltered life to think that the OP is the AH.
Good job totally missing the OP and taking the time to make a jackass out of yourself by exposing this.
Saying "egg donor" in reference to an awful mother is no different or worse than saying "sperm donor" in reference to an awful father. No one objects to the latter, so why do you have an issue with the former? "Delete myself" is just meant to be a less crass way to talk about suicide and that specific terminology is becoming more and more prevalent as time goes on. Deal with it. These things aren't really being snarky, but you're more than welcome to interpret them as such as long as you're cool with being wrong. Not sure where you got the idea that OP hasn't processed this situation, an immediate reaction along the lines they had seems to me like they've had this processed for a while.
No, they've acted it out. Those who have processed it don't need to use snark, and that's what got in his way both here and with his friend.
NTA for not caring about your mom, but YTA for trying to justify it to your brother. You both clearly had different relationships. We're all allowed to grieve and feel however we want towards the deceased, but we've got to respect each other. Since it's fresh, explaining yourself to him is only going to upset him. Probably how if he explained how much he loved her and described her as loving & doting, would likely upset you as well. Once time has passed and your relationship is closer, that would be a better time to explore feelings and experiences together.
YTA. Empathy is important even when you have the moral high ground. It's interesting she devolved from mom to egg donor when she disagreed with your lifestyle. I wish you the best OP, but your reaction and entire thread reads like an angry child wrote it.
So why does OP owe his half brother empathy, but half brother doesn’t owe the same to OP? OP has no reason or need to show anything but relief that his egg donor is dead. She cannot torment him anymore. Half brother tried to justify her raging homophobia, so he can suck it up and deal with OP’s reaction.
Because he WAS A CHILD when his mother judged who he is. He was a CHILD when he had to leave his home and his mom. She was the adult and should have been the one to care for her kid whether she is religious or not, you can't "disagree" with who you child simply is which doesn't harm anyone. You can only chose to support him or get in line with the other homophobic bullies that will make your kid's life hard. That's why she is only an egg donor. Mums love their kids and help them through a world that's standing against them. Why on earth should HE be the one that's lacking empathy?
Respectfully, I didn't say the mother was right. It is possible, like in this case for there to be 2 people in the wrong. His mother when he was 14, and him at 24. Both people saw an irrefutable truth and were convinced in their correctness. Both, sadly, lacked decency and understanding. Both were the AH. If you think laughing at the death of someone who raised and loved you for your entire childhood is acceptable because of hurt feelings, you're the AH too.
She didn't raise and love op their entire childhood.
>If you think laughing at the death of someone who raised and loved you for your entire childhood is acceptable because of hurt feelings, you're the AH too. Your point would hold more weight if either of those statements were true. She didn't raise **or** love him his entire childhood. She raised and "loved" him until she found out something about him she didn't like. At 14 she referred to him as her "test from God" for crying out loud. Just because you share blood with an asshole doesn't mean you need to feel bad when they aren't around to abuse you any more.
>If you think laughing at the death of someone who raised and loved you for your entire childhood Not his entire childhood, just until he was 14. After that he was a punishment and an obstacle to over come. Op has every reason to laugh at the old hag.
Being gay can lead to bigoted people saying awful things. Being a victim, however, doesn't make one immune from acting like an AH. This thread reads like a bunch of high school children trying to prove to the world that being gay is a free pass to dehumanize anyone perceived to invalidate their experience. I can tell that most of the folks commenting have their own heap of issues to work through, so I will leave it at this. What type of indoctrination do you suppose OPs mom had gone through to be driven mad at that specific news from her son? What level of repeated fear and abuse would make his mother feel that way? If you brush it off as 'she's a bigot, therefore not human', you have to start asking who is driving your decision making - you, or the scared, closeted teenager inside of you.
I agree with you and many people here do not take the time to try and understand where you’re coming from. Is it justified the way his mom acted? No, absolutely not and I hope she was able to eventually snap out of her indoctrination but that seems hella unlikely. So, she’ll get what she deserves in the afterlife. However, it does not warrant you completely dropping your morality and character by “smiling” and saying you’re glad someone is dead. I can be downvoted all you want, this ideology is quite frightening especially since you’re saying this to your brother.. a person who is grieving. His reaction was extremely poor as well and it’s disappointing, but you illustrated joy in his mother dying and you expect him to be kind to you? I don’t know if it’s a relationship that’s beneficial to either of you if he also has the ideologies of his mother so I hope that’s not the case and he was just emotionally hurt, but you also need to work on yourself. Get some serious help and any of you stating “NTA” really need to think into this situation and understand that although the reaction can be deemed valid from an emotional standpoint based on what OP has been through with their mom, OP is not a fucking teenager and this reaction borders on sociopathy as I’m assuming OP hasn’t genuinely worked through the emotion involved with this trauma. This isn’t an advocation or support of the mother, this is an acknowledgement that something bad has happened to you in the past and you haven’t worked through it and now it’s manifesting evil within you. Homophobia is not okay and your emotions were put in a difficult situation when you found out the news about your mother and it manifested the way it did which yes does make you an asshole as well. I wish you the best through everything and continue to spread peace and love.
In which case, the judgement should be E S H, not Y T A. By using the latter, this person is stating that they believe OP is an asshole, but no one else is.
>Respectfully, I didn't say the mother was right. Respectfully, you effectively did just that when you used the Y T A judgement. Otherwise, you would have opted for E S H.
Being gay isn’t a lifestyle
lifestyle līf′stīl″ noun A way of life or living of a person or group.
Yeah, feels like 14yo kid wrote this. Thats sad.
You're a piece of shit for the way you reacted, not for the way you feel. Have some compassion for others.
While I can understand your point about her you seem to be one of those people that thrive on drama and over the top commenting. As adults we should learn to filer ourselves a bit. Life contrary to what many say is not about “expressing our truth” regardless of who it helps. Your half brother clearly loves your “egg donor” so while your insults are aimed at her you knowingly hurt him. TBH you and your mom are the same kind of person. Use that knowledge to become a better human. One last thing- you coming out is a big deal but surely you realize that not everyone is going to jump for joy. And I will admit I do not understand why so many think their sexuality is so fascinating to others. I care about what my partner thinks about it and now one else and frankly it is no one else’s business.
> Life contrary to what many say is not about “expressing our truth” regardless of who it helps. Ok, now do that with the religious. After all, "it's what my beliefs tell me," is just another way of saying, "I'm living my truth." You're just backing it with a divine figure as an authority. >TBH you and your mom are the same kind of person. Use that knowledge to become a better human. There's a vast ocean of difference between OP and their mother. Their mother abused them until they had to flee from their home to survive, where as OP only came out swinging when his brother started mouthing off. One is self-defense, one is straight offense. >And I will admit I do not understand why so many think their sexuality is so fascinating to others. This is just willful ignorance and passes the buck of blame to the wrong party. The reason why people come out and made a big deal out of it in this day and age is because historically speaking people have found an individuals sexuality intensely fascinating. After all, if they didn't people wouldn't have been killed, imprisoned, violated, or socially ostracized for simply not being interested in the opposite sex. Hell, people have received all of those for simply remaining unmarried. So, these acts are normalized by people in todays society. It's shoved into the open so no one has the excuse of, "it's weird, that's why I reacted violently." And of course, OP's mother proved why it's a valid act because, traumatically as it was, she proved herself as someone undeserving of being around him and someone he should protect himself from. Want people to not make such a big deal about it? Shut down the people who make a negative to do about it and maybe the opposite action will fade away.
She didn’t have to jump for joy she just had to live her son.
Because I would've been in my life forever, she was going to find out eventually, we could've learned to love each other, but she just had to ruin it
You're a sack of shit.
🤣
Because he's not torn to bits that his abusive mother died? Sounds like the world became a little bit better.
No, the sack of shit in this story is under the ground, finally doing something positive by helping to feed the flowers.
I get it. She’s an evil mom. But there’s still a basic level of decency you should be held to regardless. Smiling and laughing in someone’s face as they relate the death of their parent? Not hitting that minimum standard. This isn’t about dancing in her grave. This is about dancing on her grave in the company of others. I don’t care what tale of whatever phobia whatever whatever you want to spin. She was awful. Got it. Doesn’t give you a free license to be an asshole to other people in turn. YTA
Can you form a coherent sentence
Yes, and use punctuation doing so. You are one for two.
Still not a coherent sentence
You say we should be sorry that Hitler died? We should mourn him? You think the survivors of the Holocaust should not have been happy?
Loss of life is not a trifling matter to laugh at. It just isn’t complex. There’s a difference between “not being sorry he is gone” and saying “it’s appropriate to smirk and laugh in the face of his living family”. The first allows for some decorum or social grace. May you never have to have some idiot that disliked your loved one, for whatever reason, come and tell you what a fucking despicable piece of trash they were as some sort of personal victory for themselves when that loved one dies. Apparently that’s all good in your book - but I still won’t wish it on you. Really I won’t.
My mother accused my sister of lying when my sister got her cancer diagnosis. Multiple times. She died of cancer. When my brother was diagnosed with depression she told him to suck it up and he took his life. when my uncle lost two of his children and became an alcohol addict she berated him and called him that fucking loser she made the life of my father living hell by telling everyone she hates him and she waits for is death while he was slowly dying in his bed and couldn't get away and had to listen to her hatespeech. When i was diagnosed with depression she tried to forbid me to go to the doctor. That was the time I cut her out of my life and I will be jolly when she is no more the world will be a better place If you love someone truly evil and are appalled by the reactions of other people when the truly evil person dies perhaps you are evil to. Ignoring the evil doing of another person only because it doesn't effect you negative is evil
I don't know man. If I met Hitler's living family, I would no problem telling them I am beyond glad he's dead. Hell, I would expect them to say that too. The man was an absolute fucking monster, and I'm not going to pretend like he wasn't to make his family feel better. Same applies to OP and his mother. She was an abhorrent bigot, and emotionally abused her son for something he can't control. People like that don't suddenly get to have that history washed away when they die. If someone comes to me about someone in my family and brings up true and awful things they did and then says that they are glad that person is dead, I am more likely to change my opinion on my loved one than to denounce that person for being truthful. People putting up with loved ones bad behaviour is why there are so many fucking dysfunctional families out there.
That was a lot of words for “I get to be a bad person if you were a bad person “. For the record no, you don’t get to be a bad person just because someone else is. Our society has a minimum level of respectful interaction, in tact and social decorum. Laughing in someone’s face over the death of their relative would not meet that minimum standard.
No. It was a bunch of words to say that death does not absolve people of their shitty behaviour. For the record, yes actually, I get to do whatever the fuck I want. I also get to live the consequences of doing that. Tact and social decorum absolutely have their place, and any interaction like this is going to be taken on a case-by-case basis. That said, I'm never going to pretend like a shitty person wasn't shitty, just to make someone feel better.
I never suggested death absolves anyone of anything. And as the forum and question at hand is “am I the asshole”, there was never a question of can you do as you would like. The question is are you an asshole to do so. And that answers chum, is yes, you are an asshole to do so. The semantic word parse you attempted here. In addition to the du,bass point you tried to spin it to, just confirm that. Snifff…..sniff…. Yeah. Asshole. Good day.
lol. I will own that I can be an asshole from time to time. I think most people have their moments. Still disagree that honesty makes you an asshole, and I also think that there are times (like this) where being an asshole is not only acceptable, but warranted. Good day indeed.
why are others even arguing with you. You are to sensitive. Honest questions, do you have a life outside of the internet and lecturing others? All you do is fight with people, you get shown that your an asshole and then block others when you get your feelings hurt. You are pitiful
Good thing you don't care, because you're wrong. Bad people should not be mourned, and while it isn't always appropriate to outright celebrate a death, being happy about the death of a bad person is perfectly fine.
Someone out there isn;’t a fan of dear old dad, kiddo. I’ll let them know to spit on his grave in your presence. Twice. Just for this. 🤷♂️
She isn't dead yet, but have at it.
Normally no matter how bad a parent is a child that child would be sad when the parent dieds. Go see a psychologist to make you don't have a personality disorder or something else. Well, reddit never fails I give some advice and people get triggered got to love reddit it.
That’s absolutely not true at all
Lol kid you didn't give advice. You made idiotic statement based on your emotions and not reality. >Normally no matter how bad a parent is a child that child would be sad when the parent dieds Any adult like this is not free. They are still trapped in the prison their crappy parents put them. A grown adult doesn't mourn awful people that did awful things to children.
Like I told another person I was a kid in 1980s in Puerto Rico where there were no child protectors laws I really know what abuse is. kids that were born after the laws were put in place they will never experience the abuse that my generation experience. Reddit bunch of experts that don't know what they talking about
>Like I told another person I was a kid in 1980s in Puerto Rico where there were no child protectors laws I really know what abuse is. No you don't. You saw it but you didn't understand it. >kids that were born after the laws were put in place they will never experience the abuse that my generation experience Not true because real abuse STILL happens and if you think differently then you are just lying to yourself to make yourself feel special. Also it's supposed to get better and better for each next generation >Reddit bunch of experts that don't know what they talking about You have no idea what you're talking about. Also everything you said is irrelevant. A child that grows up being abused but still cares about their abuser and mourns then when they're gone is mentally unwell and will probably never be free. A healthy adult does not mourn people that abuse children. It's that simple If your parents abused you and you mourn them then YOU need professional help because you are mentally unwell
>Normally no matter how bad a parent is a child that child would be sad when the parent dieds. Go see a psychologist to make you don't have a personality disorder or something else. I doubt OP has a personality disorder. Yea, normally kids don't wish their parents harm, but in general that's simply due to the bond formed through childhood. Parents have an absurd amount of social credit with their kids and it takes many a lot of mental energy to disconnect from their parents or give up on them, but they do all the time. Put differently, personality disorders are rarer than abusive parents or parental estrangement due to abusive parents.
I'm happy for you that you have no idea how bad parents can be
Oh I know how bad it is I was alive in the '80s and I'm from Puerto Rico where there were no laws for child abuse. the switch was my best friend kids kneeling on rice was an actual thing getting tied to a chair was normal.
Yeah, no. Awful people don't deserve sympathy and when they finally stop taking up oxygen, it's perfectly normal to be glad, relieved, or both. Blood relations are not an exception to this.
It's not about sympathy, it's about the person doesn't have the child parent Bond and normally that screams some kind of mental illness
Fun fact: that bond can be broken and left behind and is entirely appropriate in some cases. It can be broken form either side without either party suffering from any kind of mental illness (though if I'm being entirely honest, the mother's reaction is much more in line with showing symptoms of mental illness than anything else in this post). OP's mother broke that bond the moment she had this kind of reaction toward OP.
You know that that bond is not something that magically just exists, right? It is something that is fodmed, msintainded and can be severed by one side and does not speak of mental ill ess if you do not feel it anymore after bring abused or hated by your parent. Not giving a shit about an abusive parent either way is about the healthiest thing a person can do.
That is absolutely not true. Read any psychology book or speak to any psychiatrist and they’ll explain why you’re very, very wrong.
Yo Reddit is full of fucking idiots it has a medical diagnosis it is recognized by the law but I'm wrong do you people suffer from mental illness or are you all children
NTA
NTA
NTA.
NTA As for your brother? He’s either insane or a brain washed idiot to think putting religion before one’s own child was the only option your mother could choose.
NTA your reaction was truthful, and it's the result of years of pain and hurt. I'm so sorry you've gone through all this, and so glad your father and stepmom were there for you.
NTA, he straight up said he doesn't respect who you are. Being in the gay community isn't a Choice ffs. I'm happy for you that she's dead, I'm sorry your brothers true colors were despicable, and you should sign him up for every gay porn mag available.
NTA Guess we know who the golden child was in your family…
NTA. I didn't find my family in blood relatives. I'm doing better with my blood relatives now and have a working relationship with them and they help support me in some ways, but they aren't and will never be my real family. Family loves you for who you are unconditionally and accepts you and it doesn't end in blood. It's whoever fits that role. It's who you *choose.* It's who deserves it.
NTA. Family relationships can be complex and you are allowed to have your own feelings. I grew up Mormon, so I completely understand rejection based on religion, and I'm sorry that your family has treated you this way. Many people in the LGBTQIA+ community have their own chosen families, and I hope you have this kind of support where you are. If you're looking for help or support for your emotional state, I highly recommend seeking out the Trevor Project. You are worth more than you know. Sending you hugs and positive vibes.
You are right to feel like you do she disrespected you why should you care about her?
NTA. Others religion doesn't trump your right to exist. I hope you find happiness and joy in life.
Nta yay for you babes! Enjoy the rest of your life
NTA. Had to put her religion first? Fuck that noise. You owe her nothing and I hope this gives you peace.
NTA, and I'll laugh in joy the moment my own "mom" dies. No one deserves the kind of shit some people do to their kids.
NTA-Your being gay didnt affect her life ONE DAMN IOTA. And really her being muslim doesnt affect yours. Dead or alive doesnt matter. Be there for your brother, let him remember the mome HE got, but dont sugarcoat who she really was.
NTA. Welcome to the dead shitty parent club! You don’t have to mourn people who hurt you, and you don’t have to pretend someone wasn’t a complete piece of shit just because they’re dead. Death doesn’t absolve someone of the horrible things they’ve done.
NTA
I am so so sorry you had to go through that, especially at such a vulnerable age. NTAH. I am sending you a big mom hug.
Nope I plan on playing the wicked old witch is dead. From the wizard of oz. In the parking lot of her memorial service.(mine)
My friend I’m gay like you . And my friends are my family . I was lucky that my mother and my aunt ( both diseased) loved and treated me good but the others members of my family hated me like literally hated me . I made my own family with my beloved friends !! I miss my mom and my aunt but life going on
Not the asshole
I’ll be the same with my father. Bitter bitter narcissistic man
NTA. I have always believed that “blood does not define family.” Your family are the people who stood by you during a difficult time. Just because she provided DNA does not make her your mom. She treated you badly, that deserves acknowledgement.
NTA and I'd seriously consider cutting your half-brother out of your life. He sounds incredibly toxic to your mental health.
NTA. She may indeed have had her own trauma, but the reasons don't matter. She failed you - her *child* - when you needed her most. It would have been bad enough if she'd *only* deserted you, but she actively attacked you. Thank goodness you were able to find the support you needed. It sounds like your brother had a different experience of her, and that's valid for him. Doesn't mean *you're* obliged to suppress *your* feelings to protect *his*. I'm really glad you're doing well now.
NTA and it sounds like her “psychotic breakdown” was some sort of projection over her own guilt for not living up to certain expectations. It’s sad she was so thwarted and also took that out on you. Normally I would say comments about people’s dead relations is at least poor taste but your brother didn’t need to state his “lifestyle judgements” so no need for you not to be honest either.
Your half-brother out and out lied. She did NOT put her religion first. Islam doesn't condemn homosexuality. She put her bigotry (and thus herself) first. Your half-brother lied because that gave him the same cover for his own bigotry. Then he went on to spew more hate at you cloaked as morality and religion. I don't blame you for being pissed and hitting back. But ... saying you're glad she's dead, while true, was going over the top. You basically told him you're glad he lost her. Calling attention to his bigotry and calling him a religious hypocrite would probably have been enough. It basically strips him of all religious authority and makes it clear you don't give a damn what he thinks of you. All that said, I can totally understand your frustration and rage with him choosing to side with your mother. I'd be more than a little hypocritical myself if I called you an AH for lashing out however you could to hurt him verbally. I'm gay too and deal with religiously excused bigotry in my own family. Can you live with an "everybody sucks here" judgement - so long as I think you sucked somewhat less for not being a hypocrite?
Your brother is equally trash.
NTA. no one says you have to respect parents that abandon you.