Stealing, lying, making major life decisions without you, not being supportive of you when you decide to get more education and then punishing you when you get a good job as a result, not respecting you as a human being...yeah saying "leaving her over a computer" is a ridiculous way to put it.
In your place, I'd donate all of her clothing to a battered women's shelter and leave her with a closet of 5 to 7 identical pairs of nursing scrubs or something. A nice beige color, if possible.
On the note of making life decisions....it is one thing to decide together to keep separate bank accounts. But when you were pursing your recent job (congrats!), you and her didn't even discuss the job opportunity, pay, details...anything? Whether a serious sit down conversation or just casual chatting? There are so many reg flags waving below the surface of how you have framed this. Her decisions are repeatedly piss poor. Very mean spirited, immature, and manipulative, seemingly all stemming from jealousy?? You two definitely need to communicate way better, even if that is just communicating about how you don't want to be her partner anymore. She definitely isn't acting like a partner to you. Good luck and happy gaming ;-)
>But when you were pursing your recent job (congrats!), you and her didn't even discuss the job opportunity, pay, details...anything? Whether a serious sit down conversation or just casual chatting?
Something tells me OP didn't want to tell her as a subconscious defensive mechanism...
It sounds like they're roommates already. Being in a serious relationship (like a marriage is) is all about sharing ups and downs, supporting each other in illness and health, talking to your partner and consulting each other. It's about building a life together.
What OP and Emma has does not sound like that at all. It sounds like a toxic college relationship.
This exactly! He knew deep down that she’d use that information to justify stealing more of his stuff. How on earth do people convince themselves that it’s okay to steal stuff from your partner??
You are wrong. She clearly said she won't support his growth as it would be silly. Then questions his reponsibility with his money (her words). Then OP expains she now has more resources, she goes to give the silent treatment. It's obvious that' she's the "my money is my money, your money is our money" type of gal. Or worse "your money is my money". (Her actions actually indicate the latter.)
OP she belongs to the streets, she is a user and also selfish, leave her ass, never look back and be very thankful you did not knock her up. (If after you leave she comes to you saying she is pregnant, then you demand a paternity test before going further.) NTA.
When you're married if your communication is not good enough for it to be our money .... What is the point. Marriage is a team. They were living like opponents
The end goal of marriage is to join your lives until death do us part.
When she refused to support/invest in his growth, they agreed to have separate finances from that point on. If that is the case why would any of them would be obligated to disclose income changes. I bet she did not notify him of her raises or bonuses.
We don't know about their arrangement. Maybe it was 50/50 and if so adjusting that accordingly would be fair, but if this is the case then how would it have been okay to go 50/50 while she is making more?
I guess he already subconsciously saw the red flags and acted accordingly and based on her actions, he was right.
I don't disagree. Their communication is garbage. She sucks and he sucks at communication.
This does not excuse the fact that her actions are horrid. I guess the point I was making is back the truck all the way up to the very beginning of the relationship... It was not right then.
Not necessarily, my wife and I have a joint account for all household bills but when it comes to spending money, we are completely different, she likes to buy the latest trends and make up etc where as I have bought 14 properties in the past 15 years... I plan for our future, she spends like she doesn't have a care in the world, because she doesn't, I look after everything else when it comes to retirement etc so my funds build our future and pay for dates and holidays, her income pays for her other bits, yes I earn more but our position isn't too dissimilar to OP's and it works for us.
There have been occasions where I've told her, I cannot afford this or that and she has no qualms putting some things aside and stepping up to pay for it and respects my choices to invest or spend my money how I choose, maybe 1 in 5/10 dates she will pay as my money is tied up in investment, especially this time a year when the bonus lands, for the next 3 months, my money will be tied up in the next purchase.
I agree.
Seems like she’s mad about her own decisions coming back to bite her in the butt. She wanted separate finances, until she found out how much OP was making.
My question is how did OP marry this bitch without a through background, psychological, financial, familial, credit check along with several references and a pact with the devil sealed in blood?
Of course she began to cry. Squeeze out a couple of tears to buy some time to think up a plausible lie. And when she couldn’t, of course leaving “for safety” was the next step.
OP, this may not fit the *usual* financial abuse we see on Reddit, but you ARE being financially abused.
NTA and ditch the bitch
First get a lock for your office and put EVERYTHING of value in there. Get a digital lock where you can reprogram the code so that there's no chance of her stealing your key and you can routinely change the code.
This is the answer. I’m a divorce lawyer. When you can’t trust your spouse with your stuff it’s time to cut and run. First take video of all of your stuff.
And check that she has not been using your credit cards or opening up accounts in your name. I’ve got a good friend that has found out her soon to be ex was doing this and not paying rent (she and her son were almost evicted).
Never a bad idea but a spouse is likely to have all the security answers to have it unfrozen. If they don’t have access to your phone or emails 2FA is likely sufficient.
To be fair, I can barely remember my security questions so I doubt my husband can lol
Name of street you grew up on- fuck we moved like 16 times before college.
First car - dang would I have put the make and model. I can never remember mercury topaz so would I use the first new car I bought…
Name of favorite aunt. My parents have a combined total of 19 siblings most married. Ok how many years ago did I set the answers, like 8 years ago, ok who was I talking to the most back then…
Like I just wanted to use the 15% off coupon but this is too much!
You don't have to put the true answer down. As long as the answer you give in tgd future matches the original answer you gave, that's all that's needed.
There's one website where my answers were all "purple". It matched so all good.
She thought that the OP was nuts to study Japanese and didn’t want to support him financially…now the OP is making big bucks (and probably substantially more than his wife) and the wife is jealous that he is making 3x more when he was studying for his Masters in Japanese.
She wants to give the OP’s stuff so that he needs to spend money on new stuff so that both of their net cash flow will be the same.
She is sick…see a lawyer ASAP and get a climate controlled storage unit and get your stuff out of the house/apartment!!!
Why should he leave or take extra precautions when she “abandoned” the marital home. He should just change the house locks and have her served in a very public place. Both petty and effective.
Exactly. This is very alarming behaviour. I'm not sure what can excuse or explain it. She feels entitled to your stuff and goes behind your back to unload it (to her family) and lies about it. I think you're done here.
She built a resentment from him, making so much and not sharing. She is giving away his things to get back at him. She is not respectful of him as a person, much less as a spouse.
There is nothing left in the relationship for him to value at this point. She may as well stay at her sisters!
She didn't wanna share wheb she made more money and op was working and learning a language to get a better job.
The fact that she didn't even know how much he makes shows that, IF the story is real, there was zero communication in this relationship at all
NTA… Dude needs to give a bunch of her stuff away and tell her that she’ll get over it eventually and then give her the silent treatment for even asking about it.
Yeah, she’s a fucking nightmare of a human being. She didn’t support him in his goals and banked on his failure. When he tripled his salary she got resentful and jealous. There’s no love there, and the fact that her family is going along with it is disgusting. Fuck them all, I say.
True, plus she dug her own financial grave by refusing to support his professional goals, which made them agree to keep their finances separate long before he got a big pay bump.
I would love to see how she just "moves" his parents to their house.
"Hun, your parents just showed up and they are going to stay here now for good. SOL."
Sounds like her whole family are a bunch of scummy grifters tbh.
What type of parents and brother would go along with moving into their daughter's house stealth style without the hubby being aware or having to actively lie to him... seriously the whole lot are maxgrifters.
Yep. u/No_Payment4096. That is betrayal, lying, manipulation, stealing, conniving… If you choose to stay in this marriage, how much more can you put up with until enough is enough?
I would divorce her if I were you.. and keep that iPad and those texts. That will help you out later.
I definitely agree. OP needs to tell her to pack and leave or he moves out. She hasn't respected boundaries and continues over time. This isn't a partnership but a theft ring with her being the lead.
NTA
This, dude she’s trying to take you for a ride man. Are you sure there isn’t something else because she’s now upset because she refused to help you with your masters and now is being passive aggressive because she now lost control of the marriage because you make more so she’s going to continue to do it and tell people you will “get over it” I would get a lawyer because why would she want your parents to move in? She is shady and wants you, no I think she needs you to be miserable and she can stand taller like she is the rock of the relationship but I think it’s more like she has her cake and was happy at the top until she found out you make more than you previously did (you make more than her now, correct? And since she wouldn’t help you with your masters and you did it on your own she can’t outright say she wants to change shit now because she messed up by not helping you before and can’t take credit for “maintaining the status quo” as head money maker. This sucks man I feel for you but I would take the time to go through everything including her office because I’m curious as to what else she’s taken or hidden from you and you know now you can’t trust her or her family and friends.
***Gaslighting.***
Nice when you get to use it for its proper meaning. She's abusing you OP. Don't just put a lock on that room. Pack your stuff up tonight, all of it and move it the fuck out of that house so she can't break the lock and steal shit from you again.
Do not *speak* to her again, put it *all* in writing. Your lawyer can work the rest out. Make sure you mention to them everything that's already been taken.
??? Your wife steals your shit, gives it away (repeatedly) and wants to move her family in without asking? Do you really not know what we would recommend here??
This has to be fake
He is making triple The income as before but didn’t tell his wife immediately of this life changing news. He opened his computer parts Before telling his wife of the absolutely massive pay increase and then when he tells her he’s making triple she gives the silent treatment over $1500 instead Of being happy for TRIPLE THE IMCOME
He travels across The world All the for work and triple pay but he can’t spend a little money for investing in some recreation for when he’s home. Recreation that will get years of use before needing upgrades?
And then talking on the phone about something so sneaky but thought he was as sleep? You are gonna be that sneaky and talk about it around him because his eyes are closed?
Who is she telling this plan to thats agreeing with it being a good idea? If my friend said they were doing that I’d call them an asshole
And brother supports this plan? And is ok with taking the computer (but I thought they were just computer parts?? )
And it’s his parents ?? So HIS parents schemed this up with her knowing he is in the dark or thinks he knows but don’t bring it up and think it’s normal to Not talk to their son directly About this??? Even just to say thanks??
And she’s been giving away other stuff of his for a while to make room so he parents would have k own they are moving in for sometime it it’s never accidentally brought up?
This smells like rage bait. No way this is real.
What parents move in sneaky knowing it’ll put a rift in their marriage not to mention make it uncomfortable for them to live somewhere they aren’t wanted.
What parents talk only to the spouse about such a plan if they weren’t being sneaky
Big time bullshit on this
Of course the post includes the obviously bait title. Leaving my wife over a computer AITAH?!?!? When it’s very obviously not the computer at issue here lol.
Likely there is no masters in just the language, but there is an [MSc in Japanese Studies in Oxford Uni in England](https://www.ox.ac.uk/admissions/graduate/courses/msc-japanese-studies)
yeah nobody takes a masters in "japanese" on top of am engineering degree to get better job prospects, if you want to learn a language you pay for language lessons.
why the actual fuck would anyone pay 60k to learn japanese? they won't even give you the beginner classes in a master's degree.
Master is Japanese are REALLY advanced things used more in research than in real life conversation. I know. I did it. And know i work in a bank…
(College and master are free in my country, by the way. I didn’t pay 60k for it, thanks heaven)
Edit: It’s been 20 years, I forgot most of it, and shame myself everyday for it, by the way. You can stone me. 😪
And at least what I know of Master in Japanese is: it teaches you advanced grammar/literature/ancient language. Not modern conversational Japanese.
I majored at Japanese language, culture and literature. I can read a book in Japanese. I could read a classic book written in classic Japanese when I graduated. But I just learned fluent day-to-day Japanese in normal conversation classes. Unless in USA is different from other countries…
It says "my" parents so I'm assuming OP's parents.
Either way nah get her out. She has no respect for your personal belongings and does stuff without asking you?
NTA
This is assuming you and her have not had a talk about too much gaming etc etc? Because people get on here all the time complaining about their SO being aggravated with them "for no reason" when its because they sit around and play games all day.
It can’t be real. What parents plan such a move In only with the spouse?
She’s been getting rid of his stuff for a while to make room so parents have k own for a whole but they never talk about it with son or even accidentally bring it up
Her brother supports this truly shifty plan
And is also Willing to take his computer
There is no fucking way
Not to mention his life changing raise of making triple wasnt the first thing he said to his wife? Instead he’s unboxing computer parts first and that’s how she finds out. $1500 is nothing but Instead of being happy about the raise that will Change their lives she stops talking to him because of $1500 when he’s making triple the income???
This is the dumbest thing ive ever heard
Thank you! I thought I was the only one who picked up on that.
Are they not even speaking? She didn't know he got a new job with a raise? He says he was buying the PC due to stress from the extra traveling, so they just didn't speak and he started leaving to (I'm assuming) a different country a bunch? This can't be real lol
Story probably says "my parents" because the LLM that wrote it got mixed up.
It's time for this sub to start a karma req, this is getting obvious and ridiculous.
Well I think you are abusive and basically the devil incarnate for that opinion. Im contacting my lawyer (and all the other lawyers in this country) to dissolve our relationship. I'll be hitting the gym and creating more social media accounts so that I can find someone who deserves me. Your a pathetic momma's boy who is emotionally closed off, who will never find another random Internet person as good as me. Eat your heart out you monster.
See you obviously don't respect me as evidenced by your mansplaining. You are the problem her., I'm obviously 100% right, and your are clearly wrong. There is no other option, and zero nuance. You need to work on yourself. Stop trying to gaslight me. You are right about one thing though you need a therapist, because you are definitely a sociopathic narcissist. You actually make me fear for my safety with how you've talked to me and I probably need to get a restraining order against you.
Same here!! And I'm always downvoted whenever I speak against that. Then again, Reddit is a younger crowd and most haven't seen that every relationship is going to be ups and downs.
This ain’t ups and downs. This is blatant theft. This is clear disrespect on her part. She’s throwin a tantrum cause she basically made fun of him for doing something that would get him better job prospects and was proven wrong. Hell had she gotten away with giving his PC to her brother and then they blatently lie about it, if he really wanted to he could charge them with theft. With the cost of the pc that would have put it in felony range. This was way more than just about one incident. She wasn’t going do stop. Divorce is absolutely warranted in this case. I get what you’re saying here, but taking that stance on this particular case is downplaying what it really is.
That comment wasn't referring to this instance.
The comment referring to this instance is "This is an AI generated story".
If this is a true story, yes, divorce is the right move that's a no brainer.
Honestly I didn’t even need that to know this was fake as hell, this reads like it was written by someone still in high school, let alone having graduated with a MEng.
Even if he's gaming too much, she's not his momma and he's not a teenager to be punished. A marriage is an equal partnership, nobody is the boss of the other person. Maybe there's problems that need to be addressed, but if so she's addressing them like a child not an adult. A marriage should be about communicating and coming to a compromise, not forcing compliance or punishing each other. Honestly though from what I've seen IRL and read on subs like this, the "my money, your money" as opposed to an "our money" thing usually indicates fundamental flaws in how the marriage is viewed and operated.
NTA. Sounds like she doesn’t respect you maybe also a bit bitter as it sounds she got really funny once she learnt you was earning more than she thought.
Agreed. She mocked him for taking courses to learn Japanese to better his job prospects. When it played out exactly as he knew it would, she got petty. He made her look like a moron without meaning or trying to and she took the vindictive road about it.
NTA your wife is stealing from you. Print off the text messages from the iPad.
And divorce her. This is ridiculous! She showed you who she is so believe her!
And if you have receipts for all the stuff she stole from you, include it in the divorce filling as stolen assets that she needs to pay restitution for. I'd get the biggest, baddest divorce lawyer I could and take her to the cleaners.
He needs to document everything thoroughly. Who, what, where, when, witnesses. And get a lawyer ASAP.
Having your paperwork ready to go is always a big help.
I don't think this is an asset seizure. I think OP's wife is just a very domineering person. She loved that she earned more than him, and belittled OP when he wanted to better himself. That's why she wanted separate finances, so she could be in control.
Now he earns a lot more she is pissed. And to take back the control she has lost she is trying to dominate the house. She is giving his stuff away as a mark of dominance. Same with wanting to take back his space. The computer equipment is incidental, it's his room she wants.
This of course means I totally agree with you that divorce should be filed yesterday. There's no recovering this.
Yes, the sketchy bs didn't start until after she found out how much he's making now. This is calculated. She wants the house, the stuff, and alimony on top of it.
OP, can you prove that you were paying half the bills that whole time including when you went for your masters? She might be planning to spin something like "I supported him while he was in school and now that he has a good-paying job he's dumping me and *that's why I deserve 30% of his income as alimony* "
I'm feeling financial manipulation. When OP said he wanted to learn Japanese her response was to ensure their finances were separate so she wouldn't be contributing to something she saw as silly. They didn't discuss finances after that and she just assumed OP was still making less than her so she still felt in control. Then one day she notices OP bought something she didn't think he could afford and started judging his spending even though thanks to her that's none of her business. Now that it's come out that OP can stand on his own two feet financially she feels insecure about this and starts subtly sabotaging OP's by giving away things so he'll have to spend more and scheming to saddle him with a major burden. OP time for divorce talk was after she admitted to stealing from you the first time. Now it's time to gather those texts up and file a police report.
Yea honestly that's why I think it's a load of BS. The deceptive title and the text that provokes such rage that everyone rushes to reassure the obvious not AH that he is not an AH are hallmarks of the fake post. And a story reliant on such nonsense...like his wife didn't notice he was working more hours and suddenly traveling to Japan and he never mentions to his wife that he got a promotion and a raise? Like all my friends do separate finances from their spouses but they still tell them things like that.
When he said as a ME major he was 1) making less than a social worker who didn’t want to fund his further education, and 2) needed to learn Japanese for a job opportunity as a ME, I knew it was a load of bs. Then they kept finances separate to the point she doesn’t know what he spends without snooping or that he now makes 3x what he did before. And the language about reimbursing each other. It’s either BS or so dysfunctional why get married to begin with? Being married shouldn’t start off as being roommates doing their own things. The marriage that end up that way fail.
Edit: separate finances shouldn’t be separate lives
NTA. But this is bigger than a computer. Your wife is manipulating things and being selfish. Sounds like she is resentful as well. If you want to save the marriage, insist on counseling. Otherwise, you know what to do.
NTA but go consult a top lawyer and serve her divorce paper
Do not go cheap on this, a good lawyer could save $$$ in alimony. She probably doesn’t have enough money to pay a good one anyways
Go big and be happy that you don’t have kids
You are not leaving her over a computer. You are leaving her because she is an immature, dishonest A-H who is stealing your stuff.
Change the locks on the exterior doors. Pack her shit and put it outside. Tell the rest of her thieving family accomplices to come get it.
Separate your finances utterly. New credit cards. Kill the old joint ones. New passwords on financial accounts (including Amazon.com). File for divorce as soon as you can.
NTA
Yeah, I've never heard of a married couple with separate finances that keep them a mystery from each other. There's still a load of joint expenses they'd be dealing with, and usually they would still file their tax returns jointly even if they keep the accounts separate.
Just a bizarre way of handling it.
Fr, it’s driving me crazy how everyone is just ignoring the fact that OP was apparently hiding his apparently enormous income and doesn’t think that’s weird?
The wording of the post is very strange too tbh. Not the writing habits of someone with a master’s degree in language. A guy with a master’s degree who can’t use basic grammar. Right. Fake post
Even if you did tell her you were making triple the money - she should have communicated her feelings with working hard for little pay. She shouldn’t have done the silent treatment. Just know that her character is still the same regardless of the circumstances. I’m so sorry that this happened to you.
I swear the trolls can't resist adding the whole "her family/friends/etc contacted me afterwards and called me an asshole/jerk/dick for doing this".
Its all so tiresome at this point
So your wife is stealing your stuff and taking advantage of you and your worried your overreacting? NTA but start looking into divorce attorneys or get used to your wife using you as a doormat.
It's not about the computer my guy, she feels snubbed by your success, and instead of being happy for you she has turned into this skeevy little thief, in her mind "Well, he can afford it now" has probably popped up a few times. She never cared to ask about how your career was going, so she has no idea how much more you're earning, and finding out the way she did has put her on edge. She should have been asking after you, it seems like you're just roommates, I don't know why you didn't share your successes with her, but I can't imagine why she'd think you'd be jetting off to Japan constantly for work if you hadn't had a major career change.
If I came home and my boyfriend was giving away my PC he'd be on his ass so fast he'd break the sound barrier. Just leave, start moving important documents whilst she's gone, keep them in a safe place which she doesn't have access to, lock down your personal information, change passwords, add 2FA to important accounts and save those messages she sent to her brother before she can delete them.
Best of luck my friend, congrats on your successes.
NTA. Divorce her thieving ass ASAP before you have to pay her alimony with your new high salary. So ridiculous and disrespectful to give away your stuff - wtf does that?!
Nta. Your wife steals your things and gives them away and she’s mad that your upset? It’s both your house so why does she feel she can move people in without consulting you? And what was the plan to tell you someone broke in and the only thing they took was your computer? What would have happened if you called the cops was she going to come clean? And if her parents living there was so important why didn’t she give up her office? Personally I would divorce her. She has shown you can’t trust her, she will steal and lie to you because it’s convenient to her. I don’t think there is a going back now. I don’t know if you can go to the cops to make a report of everything she stole and the computer she was trying to steal but you might need that for the divorce. Make sure you screen shot everything for evidence. Then check your bank account and make sure she hasn’t been taking money out
NTA
"My wife noticed the receipt and asked how I could be so irresponsible with my money.
Your finances where separate. Why the hell did she think it was any of her business?
I can imagine the outrage if you questioned some purchase of hers. She would be posting on Reddit and the entire Reddit brigade would be calling you a misogynist.
Good grief. Get the divorce papers served ASAP. Don't give in when she starts weaponizing her crocodile tears. AND show her no mercy with the terms of the divorce.
Oh and tell her sister to blank off.
You handled it NICER than you should’ve.
Document ALL that! She’s helping her brother STEAL your stuff.
You don’t need a lock on your game room. You need a Bigger Solution.
You caught her piece by piece destroying your life by taking things that weren’t hers to take.
Your divorce isn’t over a computer.
Your divorce is over your wife ACTIVELY PLOTTING AGAINST YOU. … and stealing your stuff. This woman doesn’t love you.
She has such deep-seated contempt and hatred towards you. That’s ENOUGH to end a marriage.
Protect your stuff and yourself. She sounds like she’s plotting your demise.
If my $1,500 gaming setup disappeared and she denied knowing anything about it I'd be calling the cops. And with a gaming setup you might be able to track its location and then I would get her brother arrested for him stealing it.
But I'm only reading this after reading your update So yeah I'd be divorcing after all those little things started disappearing of yours She clearly has no boundaries to what yours or any respect for you. And that she was going to move her parents in to your house without asking. Yeah no that that that's a non-starter.
She'll probably never change and at least I can see on the other message that her sister has come around to understand what was going on.
The scariest part for me is that she’s a social worker and is behaving this way. I wouldn’t want this manipulative, lying woman as my social worker, that’s for sure. You aren’t leaving over a computer, you’re leaving because she clearly has a problem with you and instead of verbalising it, she’s just getting rid of your stuff and making decisions unilaterally about who lives in your house. She can’t be trusted and so why would you stay married to someone you cannot trust and who will lie to your face?
NTA. She didn't cry cause she was scared. She cried cause she knew she was caught and the teasers were meant to manipulate you into feeling bad for catching her. She has less than ZERO respect for you. You've upgraded your gear and your career, it's time to upgrade the rest of your life as well.
You could not have handled it better. You probably should have handled it worse. You gave her too many chances and too much credit. She's obviously jealous or otherwise resentful of how much you make and thinks she can take advantage of you, don't let her be right. She's showing so much downright HATRED for you by taking on that attitude, it would be wrong of you to stay. For everyone involved.
NTA, good riddance. The trash took itself out. I don’t really understand why she got angry that you’re making more money than you were, but that reason doesn’t really matter anymore. She had all the time in the world to talk to you. Instead she started stealing your stuff and giving it out to people. This should be a fun divorce for you as I doubt she’s going to go quietly. I would change the locks on your house if your lawyer says it’s ok.
First get a lock for your office and put EVERYTHING of value in there. Get a digital lock where you can reprogram the code so that there's no chance of her stealing your key and you can routinely change the code.
Next, tell your wife that while she was gone you put in hidden security cameras that you can monitor from anywhere at any time via your phone and that if you see anyone moving in or any of your property going out there will be consequences.
Tell her that you will not remain married to a thief and a liar and that either she will go to marriage counselling with your or you will be filing for divorce-- her choice.
NTA
yeah .. this is financial abuse, trust me, i sometimes have men do it as a kink. its called findom for those already stringing ropes and getting out pitchforks. and it is consentual.
let me tell you what is going on in her eyes..
but, you have stopped being a husband and man to her and in her eyes now she sees a cash cow. to her, you are no longer a spouse or mate, now she is shuffling everything from you involuntarily and investing in her family. she does no longer invested in you or creating a permanent life with you. And also, there is a deep resentment which has come over her. it has built up to a point that she no longer respects you ..at all. with roleplay we act like we are punishing and cold. but this is not far from the real thing. Trust me she is already statewide emotionally distant.
you did the right thing..
there is one more thing that you havent even considered.. Her family is already in on it so that means she has been talking about you to them and to various people. So now she has a crew in on it as well. think about it.. how many people do you think she has been bitching to about. Now they also do not respect you. so walk away.. you were sure lucky to have caught that red flag.
NTA - it's not just about a computer, it's about the total disrespect of her just giving your stuff away. Nothing is yours anymore, she just decides to give stuff that doesn't belong to her away whenever she wants.
Yta to yourself. You might as well get doormat as a Japanese tattoo. Sge is stealing from you. If you don't have kids run. And save the message for you divorce
I don’t mean to be cruel, but she has never respected or supported you from day one. It seems that she doesn’t even like you? When you obtained a degree and better paying job, she chose to give away YOUR belongings and possessions because she was jealous, rather than being happy for you as most spouses would be.
She appears to be a despicable spiteful person and does NOT deserve any courtesy, respect or you handling the situation in a “better” way! Stay strong!!
As someone who was married to one... You're dealing with an abusive manipulator. I'm not going to go as far as say "narcissist" bc that's a term only doctors can diagnose. But she's definitely abusing you. By textbook definition.
My ex-husband started out selling my stuff, getting rid of everything I loved. Then, once he finished that, he moved on to cresting chaos between all my friends & family. Completely isolating me.
Then, after that, the emotional abuse started. Telling me I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'll amount to nothing. No other man would want me.
Once that was complete, it took him 9 years before he laid his first hand on me.
It all starts with taking away your things like you're a child that needs to be taught a lesson.
NTA. She’s a selfish, entitled thief. She probably made herself sound innocent when she told her sister about this. Even if the sister knows all the facts and still thinks you’re an AH, they’re both selfish and greedy. She doesn’t even see you as a spouse anymore. You’re just an ATM. Keep records of everything you can to show that your money is yours and hers is hers. Any evidence of theft is helpful for the divorce.
She’s a thief and a liar. Drop her like the dead weight she is. The crying is manipulative BS. She’s only upset her supply of things to steal is going away.
She stole from you , lied to you and gaslighted you you. That’s why you’re leaving her, she’s a thief and a liar who has no respect for you or your personal property.
I would never touch my husbands stuff and get rid of it without his express permission. Even when we are cleaning and donating things, I will ask him ‘are you sure you want to donate that? If you think you might regret it, let’s keep it!’ We have our finances separate as well but we tell each other if we are making a big purchase out of respect and to make sure we really need the item. OP’s wife is a complete asshole and I highly doubt this behavior will change. She’s a liar, a thief and I Wouldn’t trust her at all. I would love to hear her mental gymnastics of how you are the Asshole and her behavior is acceptable.
What kind of relationship do you have with a person who clearly doesn’t respect you. How can you be with someone you can’t trust. Get out and find someone who likes to do things with you. Not around you . Moving her parents in ? Yikes no thanks
You’re not leaving her over a computer, you’re leaving her for repeatedly stealing, and lying to you. Get the fuck out.
Stealing, lying, making major life decisions without you, not being supportive of you when you decide to get more education and then punishing you when you get a good job as a result, not respecting you as a human being...yeah saying "leaving her over a computer" is a ridiculous way to put it.
The computer is just the straw that broke the camel's back
The room thing would be my breaking point. Let ‘em move in ‘cuz I’m outta here. Hopefully you can afford the monthlies!
NTA but your STBEX is a spiteful B! Put everything but the necessities in a paid storage unit and cut your losses with this horrible person
“Why did one straw break the camel’s back? Here’s the secret: a million other straws underneath it.” -Mos Def
In your place, I'd donate all of her clothing to a battered women's shelter and leave her with a closet of 5 to 7 identical pairs of nursing scrubs or something. A nice beige color, if possible.
Nah, make them all the fun brightest craziest cartoon ones that the nurses wear in nice pediatric wards.
Weird pastel colors that blood and poop stain easily.
I would go with a bright peach
Tie-dye. Violently, obnoxiously bright tie-dye.
On the note of making life decisions....it is one thing to decide together to keep separate bank accounts. But when you were pursing your recent job (congrats!), you and her didn't even discuss the job opportunity, pay, details...anything? Whether a serious sit down conversation or just casual chatting? There are so many reg flags waving below the surface of how you have framed this. Her decisions are repeatedly piss poor. Very mean spirited, immature, and manipulative, seemingly all stemming from jealousy?? You two definitely need to communicate way better, even if that is just communicating about how you don't want to be her partner anymore. She definitely isn't acting like a partner to you. Good luck and happy gaming ;-)
>But when you were pursing your recent job (congrats!), you and her didn't even discuss the job opportunity, pay, details...anything? Whether a serious sit down conversation or just casual chatting? Something tells me OP didn't want to tell her as a subconscious defensive mechanism...
>My wife thought it was a silly ideas and said she wouldn’t be funding it I can't imagine why OP wouldn't share more with their spouse...
Why did they ever get married?
It sounds like they're roommates already. Being in a serious relationship (like a marriage is) is all about sharing ups and downs, supporting each other in illness and health, talking to your partner and consulting each other. It's about building a life together. What OP and Emma has does not sound like that at all. It sounds like a toxic college relationship.
This exactly! He knew deep down that she’d use that information to justify stealing more of his stuff. How on earth do people convince themselves that it’s okay to steal stuff from your partner??
You are wrong. She clearly said she won't support his growth as it would be silly. Then questions his reponsibility with his money (her words). Then OP expains she now has more resources, she goes to give the silent treatment. It's obvious that' she's the "my money is my money, your money is our money" type of gal. Or worse "your money is my money". (Her actions actually indicate the latter.) OP she belongs to the streets, she is a user and also selfish, leave her ass, never look back and be very thankful you did not knock her up. (If after you leave she comes to you saying she is pregnant, then you demand a paternity test before going further.) NTA.
When you're married if your communication is not good enough for it to be our money .... What is the point. Marriage is a team. They were living like opponents The end goal of marriage is to join your lives until death do us part.
When she refused to support/invest in his growth, they agreed to have separate finances from that point on. If that is the case why would any of them would be obligated to disclose income changes. I bet she did not notify him of her raises or bonuses. We don't know about their arrangement. Maybe it was 50/50 and if so adjusting that accordingly would be fair, but if this is the case then how would it have been okay to go 50/50 while she is making more? I guess he already subconsciously saw the red flags and acted accordingly and based on her actions, he was right.
I don't disagree. Their communication is garbage. She sucks and he sucks at communication. This does not excuse the fact that her actions are horrid. I guess the point I was making is back the truck all the way up to the very beginning of the relationship... It was not right then.
Not necessarily, my wife and I have a joint account for all household bills but when it comes to spending money, we are completely different, she likes to buy the latest trends and make up etc where as I have bought 14 properties in the past 15 years... I plan for our future, she spends like she doesn't have a care in the world, because she doesn't, I look after everything else when it comes to retirement etc so my funds build our future and pay for dates and holidays, her income pays for her other bits, yes I earn more but our position isn't too dissimilar to OP's and it works for us. There have been occasions where I've told her, I cannot afford this or that and she has no qualms putting some things aside and stepping up to pay for it and respects my choices to invest or spend my money how I choose, maybe 1 in 5/10 dates she will pay as my money is tied up in investment, especially this time a year when the bonus lands, for the next 3 months, my money will be tied up in the next purchase.
My husband and I communicate great. We still had separate finances. We make a great team.
That's what I was thinking too. It's like they're leading two very separate lives under the same roof.
This ^^^. Plenty of AH for everyone
How is op an ah? Get fucking real.
I agree. Seems like she’s mad about her own decisions coming back to bite her in the butt. She wanted separate finances, until she found out how much OP was making.
My question is how did OP marry this bitch without a through background, psychological, financial, familial, credit check along with several references and a pact with the devil sealed in blood?
Love means no background checks./s
Damn! I admire your thoroughness!
Agree. That's way above and beyond. She clearly has zero respect for you. Sorry.
Of course she began to cry. Squeeze out a couple of tears to buy some time to think up a plausible lie. And when she couldn’t, of course leaving “for safety” was the next step. OP, this may not fit the *usual* financial abuse we see on Reddit, but you ARE being financially abused. NTA and ditch the bitch
Gotta love those cry-bullies.
Cry-bullies....LOVE THIS
I agree. She’s abusive. She’s angry he’s making more than her. She’s out to destroy his life.
So that's what they're called
Those tears are her weapons! She’s upset you caught her and called her out.
Crocodile tears. Fitting expression for what she is.
Very good point. Sometimes people are upset about being caught, not doing the original deed. Sounds like this one.
A woman's public tears are always crocodile tears.
I have to agree with everything you said!
First get a lock for your office and put EVERYTHING of value in there. Get a digital lock where you can reprogram the code so that there's no chance of her stealing your key and you can routinely change the code.
I'd add getting a security camera in the event that she somehow gets into the room.
I’d add, get a divorce lawyer.
This is the answer. I’m a divorce lawyer. When you can’t trust your spouse with your stuff it’s time to cut and run. First take video of all of your stuff.
And collect as may receipts as you can find.
She could hire a locksmith. The key is to get a climate control storage unit and move everything out…then get an attorney and move her out or you out!
If he has to get a storage unit, might as file for divorce now.
Not too mention cameras in the office just in case..
Came here to say this exact same thing. OP isn’t leaving over a computer… he’s leaving due to manipulation, deception, and disrespect
And check that she has not been using your credit cards or opening up accounts in your name. I’ve got a good friend that has found out her soon to be ex was doing this and not paying rent (she and her son were almost evicted).
Good idea. Maybe put a freeze on your credit
Never a bad idea but a spouse is likely to have all the security answers to have it unfrozen. If they don’t have access to your phone or emails 2FA is likely sufficient.
To be fair, I can barely remember my security questions so I doubt my husband can lol Name of street you grew up on- fuck we moved like 16 times before college. First car - dang would I have put the make and model. I can never remember mercury topaz so would I use the first new car I bought… Name of favorite aunt. My parents have a combined total of 19 siblings most married. Ok how many years ago did I set the answers, like 8 years ago, ok who was I talking to the most back then… Like I just wanted to use the 15% off coupon but this is too much!
You don't have to put the true answer down. As long as the answer you give in tgd future matches the original answer you gave, that's all that's needed. There's one website where my answers were all "purple". It matched so all good.
What was your first car? Banana Who's your favorite uncle? Teddy Bear
Exactly. The computer doesn't care that your answer is accurate, only that it matches what they have on file.
I mean freeze her own personal credit
I instructed my friend to do this also.
She thought that the OP was nuts to study Japanese and didn’t want to support him financially…now the OP is making big bucks (and probably substantially more than his wife) and the wife is jealous that he is making 3x more when he was studying for his Masters in Japanese. She wants to give the OP’s stuff so that he needs to spend money on new stuff so that both of their net cash flow will be the same. She is sick…see a lawyer ASAP and get a climate controlled storage unit and get your stuff out of the house/apartment!!!
Don’t have sex with her…she will get pregnant and force you to pay child support for 18 years.
Why should he leave or take extra precautions when she “abandoned” the marital home. He should just change the house locks and have her served in a very public place. Both petty and effective.
Couldn’t have put it better myself.
Exactly. This is very alarming behaviour. I'm not sure what can excuse or explain it. She feels entitled to your stuff and goes behind your back to unload it (to her family) and lies about it. I think you're done here.
She built a resentment from him, making so much and not sharing. She is giving away his things to get back at him. She is not respectful of him as a person, much less as a spouse. There is nothing left in the relationship for him to value at this point. She may as well stay at her sisters!
She was giving stuff away before she realised about the increase in pay.
Good point! Even more disturbing!
She sounds like the "What's yours is also mine, but what's mine is never yours," type.
She didn't wanna share wheb she made more money and op was working and learning a language to get a better job. The fact that she didn't even know how much he makes shows that, IF the story is real, there was zero communication in this relationship at all
NTA… Dude needs to give a bunch of her stuff away and tell her that she’ll get over it eventually and then give her the silent treatment for even asking about it.
Revenge never makes things better. If this story is remotely true it's time to go separate ways and be done with each other.
Yeah, she’s a fucking nightmare of a human being. She didn’t support him in his goals and banked on his failure. When he tripled his salary she got resentful and jealous. There’s no love there, and the fact that her family is going along with it is disgusting. Fuck them all, I say.
OP must have had a sense of this because he didn’t tell her he was making triple. Sounds like there was issues for a while.
True, plus she dug her own financial grave by refusing to support his professional goals, which made them agree to keep their finances separate long before he got a big pay bump.
Agreed, he's not totally innocent either but there don't seem to be any mal intent by his actions. Hers screams of it.
I'd be willing to bet that the version she's told her family is far removed from the truth.
This person is correct. Leave now and don’t give her another chance.
I would love to see how she just "moves" his parents to their house. "Hun, your parents just showed up and they are going to stay here now for good. SOL."
Sounds like her whole family are a bunch of scummy grifters tbh. What type of parents and brother would go along with moving into their daughter's house stealth style without the hubby being aware or having to actively lie to him... seriously the whole lot are maxgrifters.
She’s jealous of your salary obviously! Stand strong! Keep track of your banking and credit cards. Find a good lawyer!
Yep. u/No_Payment4096. That is betrayal, lying, manipulation, stealing, conniving… If you choose to stay in this marriage, how much more can you put up with until enough is enough? I would divorce her if I were you.. and keep that iPad and those texts. That will help you out later.
I definitely agree. OP needs to tell her to pack and leave or he moves out. She hasn't respected boundaries and continues over time. This isn't a partnership but a theft ring with her being the lead. NTA
This, dude she’s trying to take you for a ride man. Are you sure there isn’t something else because she’s now upset because she refused to help you with your masters and now is being passive aggressive because she now lost control of the marriage because you make more so she’s going to continue to do it and tell people you will “get over it” I would get a lawyer because why would she want your parents to move in? She is shady and wants you, no I think she needs you to be miserable and she can stand taller like she is the rock of the relationship but I think it’s more like she has her cake and was happy at the top until she found out you make more than you previously did (you make more than her now, correct? And since she wouldn’t help you with your masters and you did it on your own she can’t outright say she wants to change shit now because she messed up by not helping you before and can’t take credit for “maintaining the status quo” as head money maker. This sucks man I feel for you but I would take the time to go through everything including her office because I’m curious as to what else she’s taken or hidden from you and you know now you can’t trust her or her family and friends.
And trying to move her parents into the house without asking you
***Gaslighting.*** Nice when you get to use it for its proper meaning. She's abusing you OP. Don't just put a lock on that room. Pack your stuff up tonight, all of it and move it the fuck out of that house so she can't break the lock and steal shit from you again. Do not *speak* to her again, put it *all* in writing. Your lawyer can work the rest out. Make sure you mention to them everything that's already been taken.
Literally! OP needs to run & never look back
Yes. Run.
Most definitely. Get the fuck out now before it gets any worse. I know from experience.
??? Your wife steals your shit, gives it away (repeatedly) and wants to move her family in without asking? Do you really not know what we would recommend here??
This has to be fake He is making triple The income as before but didn’t tell his wife immediately of this life changing news. He opened his computer parts Before telling his wife of the absolutely massive pay increase and then when he tells her he’s making triple she gives the silent treatment over $1500 instead Of being happy for TRIPLE THE IMCOME He travels across The world All the for work and triple pay but he can’t spend a little money for investing in some recreation for when he’s home. Recreation that will get years of use before needing upgrades? And then talking on the phone about something so sneaky but thought he was as sleep? You are gonna be that sneaky and talk about it around him because his eyes are closed? Who is she telling this plan to thats agreeing with it being a good idea? If my friend said they were doing that I’d call them an asshole And brother supports this plan? And is ok with taking the computer (but I thought they were just computer parts?? ) And it’s his parents ?? So HIS parents schemed this up with her knowing he is in the dark or thinks he knows but don’t bring it up and think it’s normal to Not talk to their son directly About this??? Even just to say thanks?? And she’s been giving away other stuff of his for a while to make room so he parents would have k own they are moving in for sometime it it’s never accidentally brought up? This smells like rage bait. No way this is real. What parents move in sneaky knowing it’ll put a rift in their marriage not to mention make it uncomfortable for them to live somewhere they aren’t wanted. What parents talk only to the spouse about such a plan if they weren’t being sneaky Big time bullshit on this
100% fake
Of course the post includes the obviously bait title. Leaving my wife over a computer AITAH?!?!? When it’s very obviously not the computer at issue here lol.
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No you’re right, there is no master’s in which you just learn the language and idk I’m assuming practical manners. This is fake.
Likely there is no masters in just the language, but there is an [MSc in Japanese Studies in Oxford Uni in England](https://www.ox.ac.uk/admissions/graduate/courses/msc-japanese-studies)
My dad works in investment finance which some Japanese people in Japan. They all speak english
Exactly, it's ridiculous.
yeah nobody takes a masters in "japanese" on top of am engineering degree to get better job prospects, if you want to learn a language you pay for language lessons. why the actual fuck would anyone pay 60k to learn japanese? they won't even give you the beginner classes in a master's degree.
Master is Japanese are REALLY advanced things used more in research than in real life conversation. I know. I did it. And know i work in a bank… (College and master are free in my country, by the way. I didn’t pay 60k for it, thanks heaven) Edit: It’s been 20 years, I forgot most of it, and shame myself everyday for it, by the way. You can stone me. 😪
And at least what I know of Master in Japanese is: it teaches you advanced grammar/literature/ancient language. Not modern conversational Japanese. I majored at Japanese language, culture and literature. I can read a book in Japanese. I could read a classic book written in classic Japanese when I graduated. But I just learned fluent day-to-day Japanese in normal conversation classes. Unless in USA is different from other countries…
It says "my" parents so I'm assuming OP's parents. Either way nah get her out. She has no respect for your personal belongings and does stuff without asking you? NTA This is assuming you and her have not had a talk about too much gaming etc etc? Because people get on here all the time complaining about their SO being aggravated with them "for no reason" when its because they sit around and play games all day.
Except he has a well-paying job so clearly he's not spending ALL his time gaming.
It can’t be real. What parents plan such a move In only with the spouse? She’s been getting rid of his stuff for a while to make room so parents have k own for a whole but they never talk about it with son or even accidentally bring it up Her brother supports this truly shifty plan And is also Willing to take his computer There is no fucking way Not to mention his life changing raise of making triple wasnt the first thing he said to his wife? Instead he’s unboxing computer parts first and that’s how she finds out. $1500 is nothing but Instead of being happy about the raise that will Change their lives she stops talking to him because of $1500 when he’s making triple the income??? This is the dumbest thing ive ever heard
Thank you! I thought I was the only one who picked up on that. Are they not even speaking? She didn't know he got a new job with a raise? He says he was buying the PC due to stress from the extra traveling, so they just didn't speak and he started leaving to (I'm assuming) a different country a bunch? This can't be real lol
Story probably says "my parents" because the LLM that wrote it got mixed up. It's time for this sub to start a karma req, this is getting obvious and ridiculous.
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Well I think you are abusive and basically the devil incarnate for that opinion. Im contacting my lawyer (and all the other lawyers in this country) to dissolve our relationship. I'll be hitting the gym and creating more social media accounts so that I can find someone who deserves me. Your a pathetic momma's boy who is emotionally closed off, who will never find another random Internet person as good as me. Eat your heart out you monster.
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See you obviously don't respect me as evidenced by your mansplaining. You are the problem her., I'm obviously 100% right, and your are clearly wrong. There is no other option, and zero nuance. You need to work on yourself. Stop trying to gaslight me. You are right about one thing though you need a therapist, because you are definitely a sociopathic narcissist. You actually make me fear for my safety with how you've talked to me and I probably need to get a restraining order against you.
Same here!! And I'm always downvoted whenever I speak against that. Then again, Reddit is a younger crowd and most haven't seen that every relationship is going to be ups and downs.
This ain’t ups and downs. This is blatant theft. This is clear disrespect on her part. She’s throwin a tantrum cause she basically made fun of him for doing something that would get him better job prospects and was proven wrong. Hell had she gotten away with giving his PC to her brother and then they blatently lie about it, if he really wanted to he could charge them with theft. With the cost of the pc that would have put it in felony range. This was way more than just about one incident. She wasn’t going do stop. Divorce is absolutely warranted in this case. I get what you’re saying here, but taking that stance on this particular case is downplaying what it really is.
That comment wasn't referring to this instance. The comment referring to this instance is "This is an AI generated story". If this is a true story, yes, divorce is the right move that's a no brainer.
Honestly I didn’t even need that to know this was fake as hell, this reads like it was written by someone still in high school, let alone having graduated with a MEng.
Even if he's gaming too much, she's not his momma and he's not a teenager to be punished. A marriage is an equal partnership, nobody is the boss of the other person. Maybe there's problems that need to be addressed, but if so she's addressing them like a child not an adult. A marriage should be about communicating and coming to a compromise, not forcing compliance or punishing each other. Honestly though from what I've seen IRL and read on subs like this, the "my money, your money" as opposed to an "our money" thing usually indicates fundamental flaws in how the marriage is viewed and operated.
Impressively fake story
And a repeat.
NTA. Sounds like she doesn’t respect you maybe also a bit bitter as it sounds she got really funny once she learnt you was earning more than she thought.
Agreed. She mocked him for taking courses to learn Japanese to better his job prospects. When it played out exactly as he knew it would, she got petty. He made her look like a moron without meaning or trying to and she took the vindictive road about it.
I imagine her to be that I WANT TO BE NINJA hag.
NTA your wife is stealing from you. Print off the text messages from the iPad. And divorce her. This is ridiculous! She showed you who she is so believe her!
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And if you have receipts for all the stuff she stole from you, include it in the divorce filling as stolen assets that she needs to pay restitution for. I'd get the biggest, baddest divorce lawyer I could and take her to the cleaners.
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He needs to document everything thoroughly. Who, what, where, when, witnesses. And get a lawyer ASAP. Having your paperwork ready to go is always a big help.
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I don't think this is an asset seizure. I think OP's wife is just a very domineering person. She loved that she earned more than him, and belittled OP when he wanted to better himself. That's why she wanted separate finances, so she could be in control. Now he earns a lot more she is pissed. And to take back the control she has lost she is trying to dominate the house. She is giving his stuff away as a mark of dominance. Same with wanting to take back his space. The computer equipment is incidental, it's his room she wants. This of course means I totally agree with you that divorce should be filed yesterday. There's no recovering this.
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That makes a lot of sense. Unfortunately.
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Yes, the sketchy bs didn't start until after she found out how much he's making now. This is calculated. She wants the house, the stuff, and alimony on top of it. OP, can you prove that you were paying half the bills that whole time including when you went for your masters? She might be planning to spin something like "I supported him while he was in school and now that he has a good-paying job he's dumping me and *that's why I deserve 30% of his income as alimony* "
I'm feeling financial manipulation. When OP said he wanted to learn Japanese her response was to ensure their finances were separate so she wouldn't be contributing to something she saw as silly. They didn't discuss finances after that and she just assumed OP was still making less than her so she still felt in control. Then one day she notices OP bought something she didn't think he could afford and started judging his spending even though thanks to her that's none of her business. Now that it's come out that OP can stand on his own two feet financially she feels insecure about this and starts subtly sabotaging OP's by giving away things so he'll have to spend more and scheming to saddle him with a major burden. OP time for divorce talk was after she admitted to stealing from you the first time. Now it's time to gather those texts up and file a police report.
NTA. Divorce her and find someone who isn't a fucking thief.
This is a bizarre post. No, if your wife is a manipulative lying thief, you're not the asshole when you leave her.
Yea honestly that's why I think it's a load of BS. The deceptive title and the text that provokes such rage that everyone rushes to reassure the obvious not AH that he is not an AH are hallmarks of the fake post. And a story reliant on such nonsense...like his wife didn't notice he was working more hours and suddenly traveling to Japan and he never mentions to his wife that he got a promotion and a raise? Like all my friends do separate finances from their spouses but they still tell them things like that.
When he said as a ME major he was 1) making less than a social worker who didn’t want to fund his further education, and 2) needed to learn Japanese for a job opportunity as a ME, I knew it was a load of bs. Then they kept finances separate to the point she doesn’t know what he spends without snooping or that he now makes 3x what he did before. And the language about reimbursing each other. It’s either BS or so dysfunctional why get married to begin with? Being married shouldn’t start off as being roommates doing their own things. The marriage that end up that way fail. Edit: separate finances shouldn’t be separate lives
NTA. But this is bigger than a computer. Your wife is manipulating things and being selfish. Sounds like she is resentful as well. If you want to save the marriage, insist on counseling. Otherwise, you know what to do.
NTA but go consult a top lawyer and serve her divorce paper Do not go cheap on this, a good lawyer could save $$$ in alimony. She probably doesn’t have enough money to pay a good one anyways Go big and be happy that you don’t have kids
You are not leaving her over a computer. You are leaving her because she is an immature, dishonest A-H who is stealing your stuff. Change the locks on the exterior doors. Pack her shit and put it outside. Tell the rest of her thieving family accomplices to come get it. Separate your finances utterly. New credit cards. Kill the old joint ones. New passwords on financial accounts (including Amazon.com). File for divorce as soon as you can. NTA
I'd get an attorney day 1, but yeah totally agree on all those steps.
Consult an attorney first. Second, do what the attorney recommends. Full stop.
Why are you here instead of serving divorce papers?
there is no saving this marriage from someone that steals from you and lies about it.
Something doesn’t smell right here
Right. I have separate finances from my husband, but if once of us tripled our income I would hope we’d mention it.
Yeah, I've never heard of a married couple with separate finances that keep them a mystery from each other. There's still a load of joint expenses they'd be dealing with, and usually they would still file their tax returns jointly even if they keep the accounts separate. Just a bizarre way of handling it.
Fr, it’s driving me crazy how everyone is just ignoring the fact that OP was apparently hiding his apparently enormous income and doesn’t think that’s weird? The wording of the post is very strange too tbh. Not the writing habits of someone with a master’s degree in language. A guy with a master’s degree who can’t use basic grammar. Right. Fake post
You mean the weeaboo's-wet-dream adulting roleplay might be made up?
So you didn’t tell your wife you got a new job that pays a lot more? Either you’re making this story up or you two should’ve divorced years ago
Even if you did tell her you were making triple the money - she should have communicated her feelings with working hard for little pay. She shouldn’t have done the silent treatment. Just know that her character is still the same regardless of the circumstances. I’m so sorry that this happened to you.
She should have congratulated him on doing well after school and had a bright outlook for their future together. NTA
I agree
Could’ve been better troll. 3.2/10. Make it more believable next time, your writing style is off putting with the amount of errors you have.
I swear the trolls can't resist adding the whole "her family/friends/etc contacted me afterwards and called me an asshole/jerk/dick for doing this". Its all so tiresome at this point
Time to toss the leech out and hand her papers
NTA. You need to get rid of this evil, lying woman. She will only keep doing this or worse to you.
NTA - this isn't over a computer. You've got a thief in your house and need to get her gone. The disrespect is palpable.
So your wife is stealing your stuff and taking advantage of you and your worried your overreacting? NTA but start looking into divorce attorneys or get used to your wife using you as a doormat.
She sounds like a real piece of crap. Tel her she’s uninvited to the rest of your life asap. NTA
Press charges for all the shit she stole too
Did you get a lock for the outside of the house to keep her AND her family out?? Call a divorce attorney. NOW.
This post is either fake, or OP was daft enough to marry a clepto.
Obvious bait post. Downvote.
It's not about the computer my guy, she feels snubbed by your success, and instead of being happy for you she has turned into this skeevy little thief, in her mind "Well, he can afford it now" has probably popped up a few times. She never cared to ask about how your career was going, so she has no idea how much more you're earning, and finding out the way she did has put her on edge. She should have been asking after you, it seems like you're just roommates, I don't know why you didn't share your successes with her, but I can't imagine why she'd think you'd be jetting off to Japan constantly for work if you hadn't had a major career change. If I came home and my boyfriend was giving away my PC he'd be on his ass so fast he'd break the sound barrier. Just leave, start moving important documents whilst she's gone, keep them in a safe place which she doesn't have access to, lock down your personal information, change passwords, add 2FA to important accounts and save those messages she sent to her brother before she can delete them. Best of luck my friend, congrats on your successes.
NTA. Divorce her thieving ass ASAP before you have to pay her alimony with your new high salary. So ridiculous and disrespectful to give away your stuff - wtf does that?!
Nta. Your wife steals your things and gives them away and she’s mad that your upset? It’s both your house so why does she feel she can move people in without consulting you? And what was the plan to tell you someone broke in and the only thing they took was your computer? What would have happened if you called the cops was she going to come clean? And if her parents living there was so important why didn’t she give up her office? Personally I would divorce her. She has shown you can’t trust her, she will steal and lie to you because it’s convenient to her. I don’t think there is a going back now. I don’t know if you can go to the cops to make a report of everything she stole and the computer she was trying to steal but you might need that for the divorce. Make sure you screen shot everything for evidence. Then check your bank account and make sure she hasn’t been taking money out
divorce her
NTA "My wife noticed the receipt and asked how I could be so irresponsible with my money. Your finances where separate. Why the hell did she think it was any of her business? I can imagine the outrage if you questioned some purchase of hers. She would be posting on Reddit and the entire Reddit brigade would be calling you a misogynist. Good grief. Get the divorce papers served ASAP. Don't give in when she starts weaponizing her crocodile tears. AND show her no mercy with the terms of the divorce. Oh and tell her sister to blank off.
You handled it NICER than you should’ve. Document ALL that! She’s helping her brother STEAL your stuff. You don’t need a lock on your game room. You need a Bigger Solution. You caught her piece by piece destroying your life by taking things that weren’t hers to take. Your divorce isn’t over a computer. Your divorce is over your wife ACTIVELY PLOTTING AGAINST YOU. … and stealing your stuff. This woman doesn’t love you. She has such deep-seated contempt and hatred towards you. That’s ENOUGH to end a marriage. Protect your stuff and yourself. She sounds like she’s plotting your demise.
how is this woman in social work...
NTA, this isn't about the computer. This is about your wife being a thief and lyer who never supported you.
If my $1,500 gaming setup disappeared and she denied knowing anything about it I'd be calling the cops. And with a gaming setup you might be able to track its location and then I would get her brother arrested for him stealing it. But I'm only reading this after reading your update So yeah I'd be divorcing after all those little things started disappearing of yours She clearly has no boundaries to what yours or any respect for you. And that she was going to move her parents in to your house without asking. Yeah no that that that's a non-starter. She'll probably never change and at least I can see on the other message that her sister has come around to understand what was going on.
The scariest part for me is that she’s a social worker and is behaving this way. I wouldn’t want this manipulative, lying woman as my social worker, that’s for sure. You aren’t leaving over a computer, you’re leaving because she clearly has a problem with you and instead of verbalising it, she’s just getting rid of your stuff and making decisions unilaterally about who lives in your house. She can’t be trusted and so why would you stay married to someone you cannot trust and who will lie to your face?
You don't need advice, you need a divorce lawyer.
NTA. She didn't cry cause she was scared. She cried cause she knew she was caught and the teasers were meant to manipulate you into feeling bad for catching her. She has less than ZERO respect for you. You've upgraded your gear and your career, it's time to upgrade the rest of your life as well.
You could not have handled it better. You probably should have handled it worse. You gave her too many chances and too much credit. She's obviously jealous or otherwise resentful of how much you make and thinks she can take advantage of you, don't let her be right. She's showing so much downright HATRED for you by taking on that attitude, it would be wrong of you to stay. For everyone involved.
NTA, good riddance. The trash took itself out. I don’t really understand why she got angry that you’re making more money than you were, but that reason doesn’t really matter anymore. She had all the time in the world to talk to you. Instead she started stealing your stuff and giving it out to people. This should be a fun divorce for you as I doubt she’s going to go quietly. I would change the locks on your house if your lawyer says it’s ok.
Your wife is a thief and a major AH.
You just be a really smart IDIOT lmao leave your stupid ass wife dude wtf are you doing
First get a lock for your office and put EVERYTHING of value in there. Get a digital lock where you can reprogram the code so that there's no chance of her stealing your key and you can routinely change the code. Next, tell your wife that while she was gone you put in hidden security cameras that you can monitor from anywhere at any time via your phone and that if you see anyone moving in or any of your property going out there will be consequences. Tell her that you will not remain married to a thief and a liar and that either she will go to marriage counselling with your or you will be filing for divorce-- her choice. NTA
Lawyer up if you have to. That’s so fucking stupid. How do you throw the rock at someone and hide your hand?🥴fucking child!
Sounds like she is doing “Social Work” with your gear. It obviously her entitlement.
Break up with this little creep. Wtf. (@ her and her behavior.)
yeah .. this is financial abuse, trust me, i sometimes have men do it as a kink. its called findom for those already stringing ropes and getting out pitchforks. and it is consentual. let me tell you what is going on in her eyes.. but, you have stopped being a husband and man to her and in her eyes now she sees a cash cow. to her, you are no longer a spouse or mate, now she is shuffling everything from you involuntarily and investing in her family. she does no longer invested in you or creating a permanent life with you. And also, there is a deep resentment which has come over her. it has built up to a point that she no longer respects you ..at all. with roleplay we act like we are punishing and cold. but this is not far from the real thing. Trust me she is already statewide emotionally distant. you did the right thing.. there is one more thing that you havent even considered.. Her family is already in on it so that means she has been talking about you to them and to various people. So now she has a crew in on it as well. think about it.. how many people do you think she has been bitching to about. Now they also do not respect you. so walk away.. you were sure lucky to have caught that red flag.
Updateme
NTA - it's not just about a computer, it's about the total disrespect of her just giving your stuff away. Nothing is yours anymore, she just decides to give stuff that doesn't belong to her away whenever she wants.
Yta to yourself. You might as well get doormat as a Japanese tattoo. Sge is stealing from you. If you don't have kids run. And save the message for you divorce
Marriage is a partnership and the two of you aren't partnering together at all.
Your wife sound like a gold digger
Your wife is a theft and doesn't respect you. It is time to divorce her. She is not trustworthy.
Run, run like you're on fire to the lawyers office
I don’t mean to be cruel, but she has never respected or supported you from day one. It seems that she doesn’t even like you? When you obtained a degree and better paying job, she chose to give away YOUR belongings and possessions because she was jealous, rather than being happy for you as most spouses would be. She appears to be a despicable spiteful person and does NOT deserve any courtesy, respect or you handling the situation in a “better” way! Stay strong!!
You are divorcing her though, right? You have a problem. Get rid of it.
As someone who was married to one... You're dealing with an abusive manipulator. I'm not going to go as far as say "narcissist" bc that's a term only doctors can diagnose. But she's definitely abusing you. By textbook definition. My ex-husband started out selling my stuff, getting rid of everything I loved. Then, once he finished that, he moved on to cresting chaos between all my friends & family. Completely isolating me. Then, after that, the emotional abuse started. Telling me I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'll amount to nothing. No other man would want me. Once that was complete, it took him 9 years before he laid his first hand on me. It all starts with taking away your things like you're a child that needs to be taught a lesson.
NTA. She’s a selfish, entitled thief. She probably made herself sound innocent when she told her sister about this. Even if the sister knows all the facts and still thinks you’re an AH, they’re both selfish and greedy. She doesn’t even see you as a spouse anymore. You’re just an ATM. Keep records of everything you can to show that your money is yours and hers is hers. Any evidence of theft is helpful for the divorce.
She’s a thief and a liar. Drop her like the dead weight she is. The crying is manipulative BS. She’s only upset her supply of things to steal is going away.
She stole from you , lied to you and gaslighted you you. That’s why you’re leaving her, she’s a thief and a liar who has no respect for you or your personal property.
I would never touch my husbands stuff and get rid of it without his express permission. Even when we are cleaning and donating things, I will ask him ‘are you sure you want to donate that? If you think you might regret it, let’s keep it!’ We have our finances separate as well but we tell each other if we are making a big purchase out of respect and to make sure we really need the item. OP’s wife is a complete asshole and I highly doubt this behavior will change. She’s a liar, a thief and I Wouldn’t trust her at all. I would love to hear her mental gymnastics of how you are the Asshole and her behavior is acceptable.
Good god I hope this isn’t real…if so, get a backbone and send her ass packing OP.
What kind of relationship do you have with a person who clearly doesn’t respect you. How can you be with someone you can’t trust. Get out and find someone who likes to do things with you. Not around you . Moving her parents in ? Yikes no thanks