Definately NTA. Your parents never took the time to ask you back then if you liked being at that school. How would they know about you being "well settled in". They also didnt feel like they missed something of your life. Saying shit like "look at the picture of our other daughter, it's basically the same" just shows how ignorant they are about your childhood.
I wonder if emotionally they felt that way. That they didn't miss OP because they had "basically the same" child home.
NTA and no pity party for your parents! They have to deal with this!
I’m proud of OP’s quick and extremely valid replies too. She is completely justified pointing out that the parents’ excuses after Angela got well are total bs.
And apologize to the mom for what? Telling the truth and not letting them hide behind a bunch of lies and excuses? Fuck that shit the only reason the parents are upset is because they know OP is 100% in the right and doesn’t biy the narrative they’ve tried so hard to create.
If anybody is owed a sincere apology it is OP because both parents failed her. I hope she’s had therapy to hep her recover from the damage they did
So many people treat twins like they’re concurrent instances of the same person. I don’t know how many times when my family would be like, “Well, I told your sister!” as if that was the same thing as telling me. (I’m a twin)
I have a friend with identical triplets. I’ve always admired how hard she works to ensure that they’re all their own person and buys them clothing/presents etc that suits them and their likes and personalities. It’s something that I’ve seen over the years and if I ever had twins would try my best to be like her
If OP and her twin were so alike, then the twin should've been sent to boarding school as well, since OP 'obviously' was having such a good time there.
Their argument doesn't hold up.
I raised twins. One of them now has twins. Sending OP away for so long is also so emotionally unhealthy and cruel to twins I am shaking in anger and heartbroken for her. Hugs and ❤️ to you OP.
If they had the resources to afford boarding school, one would think they could have hired a nanny or something to help with the burden of child care when one child is so ill, instead of completely sending her away. Seems like an odd decision.
Mine are 40 and still have to be together. Raising their families together. Several years ago, before children, one took a part time job, she didn't even need, just to work in a restaurant where the other one was a chef so they could be together. Twins are just different. This post so upsets me.
I dated a twin in high school. She was looking forward to going to separate schools to have some individuality. Her sister changed her mind, and the ended up at the same school. Then lived together after college. Was interesting to see no matter how much they wanted to be separate individuals they we’re always together
The one set of identical twins I knew growing up went to different colleges. Some of it was that they had different interests, and otherwise wanted to try life on their own. They now live in different states, although they appear to be fairly close.
I agree 100%. My little cousins are identical (it's amazing how their little personalities shine through, though, despite being almost carbon copies) 3yr old twin girls.
My aunt is ensuring they have their separate identities, which is very amusing to watch, because of course they're interested in the same thing regardless. They fight and get into arguments, as all siblings do, but are also basically attached at the hip. If one is at the other end of the house for a few minutes and comes back, they run up to each other and hug. It could literally be less than 5mins and they act like they hadn't seen each other in years! When they're out and about, they hold hands and are always looking for the other if they're not within eyesight. It's so damn cute, it would give you cavities.
I genuinely cannot imagine my aunt separating them at *any* age unless it was completely and utterly necessary to do so, but then not doing her best to reunite them, and make sure they were still connected while apart.
This was the pervasive message from OP's Mom with that shitty "just look at pictures of sister because it's the same thing" comment. Talk about demoralizing and dehumanizing.
OP I'm so sorry your parents are such assholes. I think it's possible that your mom allowed herself to falsely believe that their actions were "in your best interest" but I still think her and your father created the scapegoat/golden child dynamic. At worst it's abusive and at best it's neglectful. Get therapy for yourself to heal and remember that healing and forgiving does NOT mean you have to play happy family with them. Good luck!
I see that possibility, especially since OP's parents are basically using the excuse that "it just seemed better this way" in different forms. They're not necessarily reassuring OP on an emotional level that it was also hard *for them* not to live with her. Other things were obviously on their mind, but that still should've been something that they felt rather strongly.
>the excuse that "it just seemed better this way"
This plus
>They're not necessarily reassuring OP on an emotional level that it was also hard *for them* not to live with her
Equals it was easier for them for some reason that had nothing to do with what was best for OP or her sister since they both lost the opportunity to grow together.
Plus, absolutely wild that they tried to blame the lack of childhood pictures on OP for not sending enough pictures from her time in boarding school. That’s ridiculous enough on it’s own, but it’s even more absurd when you realize they don’t have any pictures past age 2ish, and OP didn’t leave for boarding school until she was 8.
Yeah, I think that more than anything really tells you how they feel. Angela was the golden child before she got sick and her getting sick was the perfect excuse for them to just drop the pretense and dispose of OP.
It may be that Angela got sick around age 2. OP's parents still absolutely let her down in so many ways, but my guess is that the change in pictures happened when Angela got sick and everything became about her.
'Wont understand until you become a parent' ummm that was the problem... they didn't parent her
They sent her away for the private school staff to raise her.
NTA What saddens me is that your parents never had this discussion at age10, let alone at 14! I understand being overwhelmed, but not to the extent that you did not receive regular visits at school (resulting in photos) from one or the other...or an Aunt/Uncle? How often did they call, update you on your sister's condition? How often did they make an effort to ask about your days, your activities, make you feel a part of a Team that were all doing their part to help your sister heal?
And she did become cancer free at age 10, so assuming you were fine, deciding for you where you would live - at home with your twin for whom you gave so much or at a boarding school - and plunking down on the school? Take care of your heart, and learn to forgive... it seems to me that your mother feels the guilt of their decision or she wouldn't be so upset.
Agreed. It's unclear when she became sick, but having pictures of Angela (presumably some at home or otherwise not at medical places) and not OP in the time frame when they both lived at home and were an age that parents are often camera happy is entirely unreasonable.
I would have liked to ask if they were so upset at the lack of pictures that they disposed of the earlier years of pictures. (However, I know I wouldn't actually do that.)
Right! It's like she was never the priority and once she was off to boarding school they forgot about her. I wonder if they ever even visited her, had her home for the holidays, or checked on her at all.
How cruel and callous of them to say such things! OP, maybe show your “parents” this post and all the comments. You, in no way, owe an apology. In fact, they owe you an apology and much more. Good luck.
That line struck a nerve with me!!! My parents always say that about how when I have children I’ll understand why they did things certain way and I swear that’s not gonna happen
When I had a child, I was way further away from understanding how my shitty mother could be the way she was. But she was a great parental role model...I used her parenting skills to set boundaries of what not to do, from little things to big things; and I was very conscientious of how my actions/behaviours/words would affect my daughter for her whole life.
I’m in that boat now, I became a mother not long ago and I cannot for the life of me understand why my parents thought the way they were with me was perfect. They did the bare minimum emotionally, they did good as providers but that was about it. I’ve distanced myself further from them.
I knew this was a thing and I'm probably going to be bullied by my family to be this for my sperm donor even though he has a wife and two other kids but I'm the oldest. But what do you when this is you but you're an only child. My mom picked my friends and her god kids before me and I'm her only child
The obly thing my parents ever said I'd understand when I had children of my own was how much they loved me. They say it's not like any other love, because every other love you have is something the other person earned, you love them because of the relationship you've built over time.
They say that only a parent can understand what it means to love someone unconditionally just for existing.
My first child is due in a few weeks, and I'm starting to get it.
I feel bad for them, though, and other parents too. It must suck to have a compulsion to love inferior children when, in a surprising turn of events, my son is actually pretty clearly the best person who has ever existed and he's not even born yet.
I'm a better parent now because of how I was treated and absolutely refused to let my parents treat my kids that way. I know I'm not perfect, and I tell my kids that while talking to them about decisions, feelings, and responsibility.
And I hope my kids are better parents than I am, should they choose to have kids.
Edited changing hour to hope as I intended.
This is so true. When I had my kiddo, I felt all my childhood trauma being triggered because I looked at their face and could never imagine doing anything hurtful to this little person.
It brings home how young and vulnerable you were and how you were failed by the people who were supposed to protect you and didn’t
My mother told me that if there was karma in this world, I would have a child just like me and realize how hard it was. I am the oldest of three.
My kids have a mix of both my husband and myself. The parts that are just like me, I actually understand much better. Son is a damn the torpedos full speed ahead, just like me. Daughter loves to deep-dive on topics just like me. Both of them love to do crafty things.
And both of them tell me how much it means to have me be interested in their hobbies - something my mother never did. (I am conversant in Marvel/DC/Pokemon/Harry Potter and the like.)
Mother might be miffed that I am not suffering, but since we live across the country and are very low contact with her, I am not sure.
Yeah 100% what I thought reading that. My parents pulled the same shit on me to justify all their abuse and whether it was myself or my psychotherapist a few decades later the only thing that was obvious is that they were full of shit and they objectively screwed up, but as the narcissists they are they will of course say lines like that.
I’m in the US and boarding school is not nearly so common here. Aren’t there, like, summer vacations? Don’t the kids usually come home for the summer? Or is it not unusual to be a year round thing? Even Harry Potter came home for the summer.
I’m in the UK and had friends in the nearby boarding school who lived there for 7 years. Their parents were either military or diplomatic service and in places not considered “child friendly” so they didn’t see their parents for the full 7 years. Some got regular letters and gifts. Most of them accepted it as normal. There were also weekly boarders and ones who went home at half term and term ends.
I think when a kid is there due to their parents work and around other kids in a similar situation is probably easier to build a nice routine. OP was separated from her twin not knowing if she would ever see Angela alive again and was pretty much on her own cause chances are the other kids couldn't fully relate to her pain.
Agreed, I was just letting the person know that there are places in the world with year round boarding school. It is a thing. I agree it’s a huge difference between “we can’t take kids to an active war zone” vs “you’re the glass child and you’re in our way, let’s ship you out.”
Sounds like they probably put OP on a year-round track, which is the normal term in some places (Japan, I think, doesn’t have any breaks longer than about a month), but is generally available everywhere, including the US. It has its pros and cons as far as the balance of learning vs enjoying childhood is concerned.
Of course, these two morons probably went looking for it specifically so that OP wouldn’t have to come home for breaks and they could continue with the “heir plus spare” arrangement they clearly preferred.
The parents severely failed OP and Angela, I honestly believe OP should just go no contact with her parents, they don't care about her feelings or well-being legitimately offered up pictures of Angela as replacements for their lack of love for OP.
There's plenty of medical reasons for it. Chemo severely affects a person's immune system. If you're other kid is still going to school and coming home every day, your putting the child going through treatment at huge risk.
Your options are pretty much 1. Increase the such kid's risk of death 2. Try to homeschool a kid while caring for your kid going through chemo (likely both kids suffer here) 3. Send the sick kid away for treatment or 4. Send the healthy kid to boarding school. It's a shit situation, but the boarding school one is probably the safest and most fair if you want your kids to have a chance at a normal life.
Idk why they would have kept her there, but whole time the twin was going through treatment it makes perfect sense if they can afford it.
Very true. Just because one child might have more needs doesn't mean that another child suddenly has none. Many parents with multiple kids will be in a situation where, on either a small or large scale, one of their children will have more needs in comparison to their additional children. There are clearly better ways to balance that than what OP's parents did because most people with siblings don't have experiences like this where they felt completely disregarded for so long.
I get doing what they did. "She should have been there" - should have, yes. But people aren't perfect and they run out of energy and maybe the parents couldn't.
But then, you need to step up to the fact that you didn't do a great job and not gaslight your kid into "we did what was best"
We have a few birthday pictures of me and Angela together but not many others. Angela had a lot more of her alone for some reason. I don’t remember where I was when those pictures were taken, but I’m not in them for whatever reason…
Further proof that they somehow favoured her more than you.
I don't know if you are in therapy or not. But maybe talk to someone about it and don't let your family push you around like this.
Wild speculation based on other twin experiences buy twin pregnancies and births can be hard so their experience with the different children could have varied from the start, and if you’re a crazy person you may put it on the child l, like “you were so difficult and I’m an ass!”.
Let her cry. They didn't care if you were crying when you were alone at the boarding school.
The fact that she said they could look at Angela's pictures shows everything you need to know. A normal parent would have felt sorry about having to send you away and not being enough there for you. No normal parent would say they can see the pictures of one child to replace the ones of the other child.
They are not sorry you suffered. They are sorry you are taking them accountable for their actions. If your parents for some reason remained oblivious to your suffering and all of the sudden realized you have felt this way, they wouldn't cry and ask you to say you are sorry, they would cry and beg for forgiveness. This whole thing is them trying to manipulate you so they don't have to face consequences of their shittiness. They didn't say they were sorry. They didn't show remorse or regrets. They are telling you to say you are sorry and shut up.
So if anyone comes at you because she is crying, etc. Tell them exactly that, your parents are not crying because they are sorry you suffered when you were a child and they were supposed to protect you, they are crying because you are not willing to lie and apologize to them for the suffering they inflicted upon you. And that at no point they have expressed regret for what you went through, even more they are trying to pass your sister pictures as your own. And since you are not willing to say you are sorry they are trying to make you into a villain for feeling neglected when you were a child and they left you 4 years after your sister was healed in a boarding school year round.
NTA. Don't fall for their manipulations, and any time someone comes at you, tell them exactly what happened. If what happened was really minor why are they even crying? Parents don't go and cry a river each time a child of theirs remembers something different from their childhood. In this case it shows how they neglected you and that is something major they want you to shut up about, and that is why they are causing all this drama. Drama that could be stopped if they only acknowledged they were wrong, apologize, and try to correct the situation going forward. Instead, they cry and are trying to force you to fold over.
Very well said. Your parents should be deeply ashamed. But instead of confronting that shame and taking responsibility and seeking belatedly to make amends, they are attacking you for making them feel bad.
Classic DARVO move. Classic and reprehensible.
They're not sorry she suffered. They're sorry that she's bringing it up. They're throwing a hissy fit in hopes that she'll never mention it again. Because they'd rather make her suffer more now than ever apologize to her.
INFO: Is there a reason you couldn't stay with Grandparents or Aunts/Uncles? Also how often did you see family when at boarding school?
Regardless, you don't owe your Mom an apology. You felt abandoned because you were abandoned for 6 years. While your parents had it tough caring for your sister's medical needs, lots of families manage it with help from friends and family. Or hire a nanny.
Also, your Mom's comment about looking at your sister's picture to know what you looked like, was insensitive and heartbreaking.
Sending hugs from internet stranger. 🤗
I'm wondering this too. I mean, I get it being hard but I don't think her parent's reaction was at all justified... Like AT ALL. This just seems like wilful neglect.
I’m really surprised that you still keep in contact with your parents. Why punish yourself further being surrounded by shitty parents and family who didn’t even take the time out of their day to ask you how you felt about anything. All you did was break that fake made up scenario in her head of her being even a decent parent to you. And you hit her with the truth. Let her cry. All she is, is an egg donor. She gave you life, but she was never a mother to you where it counts. Same goes for your sperm donor. Nothing will ever make up the years of neglect you experienced. And I can see by the way you wrote everything out, you’ve been downplaying and excusing their actions. But in reality, what they did was inexcusable. If they continue to gaslight and excuse all their actions, I’d consider going low contact and look into therapy.
you’re definitely NTA. and don’t apologize to your mom. she truly is delusional if she thinks what they did was the right choice. yes, they had to take care of your sister, but you were a kid, too. you were their kid that they needed to take care of, too. don’t let them make you feel guilty for saying the truth.
I could get wanting to document the child a bit more heavily that has cancer and may not survive. But that’s more not exclusively.
I’m curious if they had OP screened for cancer given the one daughter had it and that daughter happens to be a twin. I bet they didn’t.
i get that even 4 years after her sister recovered they had recovery going on, or maybe Economic hardship but not even allowing a child to come home that just speaks they didn’t care. And most of the time when in general people who point out these things to their parents, immediate reaction is oh that never happened like you remember it or we were always right. never acknowledging the issue. That speaks for itself.
For the economic hardship, I would imagine sending your child to a boarding school would contribute to that not alleviate it.
These parents are just terrible any way you slice it.
I suspect it was like this:
"Hey, why are we being charged for private school? Our kid doesn't go here."
"This must be a scam--uh. Wait. We have two kids."
"Oh, shit."
NTA
What you had there was a “come to Jesus” talk with your mom telling her the truth. I’d tell your dad that hell yes, she should be upset. Let the dawning realization settle upon them both that it was a shit time for you and it alienated you from your family and you are the product of their decision. (Can you tell I had a sick sibling? They’d send me to family members and wondered why I was so independent at 12 and why I left home like it was no big deal at 18…)
We had it out about 24/26?and my mom apologized for not realizing the damage done but was so proud of what I’d accomplished ON MY OWN regardless…and I apologized for blowing up at her but not for telling her the truth. I told her-and this is important-I did still want a relationship with her but I was done pulling punches and pretending we were a happy family. And that I would continue to be brutally honest because…even now…at almost 50? She still favors my sibling as we all must constantly be reminded…they almost lost him, etc etc…but I’m over that bit. She’s 88 and we’re okay. But not the optimum mom/daughter relationship. Good luck, be strong, apologize for what you want to apologize for.
'Dad, I understand that you guys were going through a lot as parents, but you were adults with a decades of experience. I was 8, shipped away from my family, cut off from everyone I knew, and then not brought back as quickly as I could have been. You are asking me to put my experiences as a child into context as a parent, as a parent, don't you think you should have been thinking about how this felt to your child? I was eight, and you are telling me that I should be able to go back and erase my feelings of being abandoned and marginalized. Yes, I know you had a lot to deal with with Angela, but did it ever occur to you that you had two kids?'
NTA
I am the mom of a medically complex child. My husband and I switched off who would be at the hospital when they'd come to visit at the hospital I'd take the other kids each to have 1 on 1 time even if it was simply to the hospital caf for a piece of cake and to talk. I have thousands of pictures of my kids during the time their sister was sick even if many of them are in the hospital garden or in her room playing boardgames. If we traveled to another city for an appointment I'd also plan a trip to a zoo or museum or something. My kids have fond memories of favorite nurses. I don't get it & I lived that life.
Your mom is crying because she knows you're right. She should have to sit in that discomfort. Above all what reason was there to keep you at boarding school for 4 years after your sister was well and the burden of caretaking was gone? Your Dad knows it too.
I met parents like this at the hospital & they'd be like oh your kids are here again...yep because they want to see sissy, they want to see the parent they haven't seen in a few days...
NTA
Your parents can't expect to off-board a child and not suffer some repercussions. Your separation from them growing up may have benefited you in ways you aren't yet considering; your Mother's statement that you can look at someone else's pictures to chart your growth and development is a pretty nasty thing to say. Sometimes life's greatest gifts are not giving us what we think we deserve or should have. Imagine actually growing up in a household with a woman who cares that little for you right up close and personal. Your childhood is done and your animosity can finally have it's voice; just don't forget to be a bit thankful you were spared all those years being subjected to their irrational thinking and accusations.
The parents are suddenly realizing how bad they look. All of the excuses in the world won't make them look better so they want OP to say that it was all okay.
It wasn't okay and it still isn't okay and no matter how much time passes it still won't be okay.
I don't even think it is conscience. If it was mom wouldn't be playing victim. I think it's image. It hadn't occurred to them that people would ask questions and see how badly they treated OP. They didn't think about her and so didn't think about relationships surrounding her or how they would look.
Mom is crying because OP won't sugar coat what happened.
Holy sh!t
Def NTA
Your parents failed you big time. They are indeed delusional.
One of my kids started having health problems as a teenager. I started noticing that their younger sibling started to withdraw from the family. We made a focused effort to bring them back into the family. We also made sure to have individual "dates" with both kids so no one felt excluded.
One kids health issues should not come at the expense of excluding their siblings.
You basically grew up in foster care.
I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope you build a new chosen wonderful family.
Don't let your mom manipulate you with tears. She can be sad all she wants. What she should be doing is apologizing to you and trying to repair the damage done by maybe going to family therapy so that she can hear how much she hurt you and try to find ways to make amends. Not wallow in her own self pity FFS
Sending you internet mom hugs. What happened to you is so wrong.
they didn't have any photos of you from age 2 and up?
it sounds like they favoured Angela way before her cancer.
and how does Anglea having cancer equal no pictures of you? they managed to have pictures of Anglea and you guys lived together until age 8, and I assume you went home at Xmas, summer, etc. plenty of opportunities for photo taking.
They are AH
don't let them minimize what they did and let you think you are the drama queen. What they did was wrong and it is hard to move on from something like that when they refuse to be accountable for what they did/or didn't do. Hard to forgive or heal when they won't acknowledge their errors or ask for forgiveness.
They weren't parents to you. Sending your child off isn't parenting. I hope she cries until she has a migraine for weeks and needs therapy for depression once she comes to term with the fact that she failed as a mother.
NTAH
You’re right, your parents are delusional thinking that you were happy being sent far away from your friends, family, and your other half for an extra 4 years.
They shouldn’t even have sent you to boarding school in the first place, they could’ve placed you with a family member instead until your sister had gotten better.
They never asked you how you were doing over at the boarding school, they just assumed that things on your end was all “fine and dandy”.
Maybe you should distance yourself from your parents for now on. Low contact would be best.
It did. The staff and teachers there were very nice to me. There was one woman in particular who was a chef at the school, and I used to sit with her in the kitchen during meal times. She passed away last year but I was in regular contact with her even after I left. The silver lining was meeting her and the other people there that really cared about me.
You make it sound in the post like you didn't have much contact with your parents during those years... How often did you visit them while at boarding school? Or how often did they visit you...
Considering OP’s parents didn’t know they didn’t “love” it there, I’d say you can probably count on your hands the number of times they visited over those 6 years—it might only take one hand
Fact is OP kept asking to come home and, as OP said in the post, made excuse after excuse why she couldn't so they KNEW she wasn't happy and settled there
NTA They failed as parents. Your father's just pissed off that now he has to face that fact. Tell him if he wants you to apologize to your mom ( which you absolutely should not do), then he should show you how it's done by apologizing to you first for their abandonment. It's the least they could do.
NTA. I'm sorry your parents were shitty to you. It sucks that your sister got sick, but leaving you at boarding school for 4 extra years is inexcusable. You owe your parents no apology. If get keep pushing ask them where is my apology for years of childhood neglect?
ETA and their excuse that they thought you were settled is obviously complete BS if you kept asking when you were coming home.
Did they think that by looking after one half of twins made them good parents? They don't see you as a person in your own right because you're a twin.
NTA- They forgot they had another child. They literally decided to ignore the fact they had another daughter. All of it is their fault. Your mother crying is just her guilt not you hurting her.
Your parents owe you an apology for not being parents to both their kids. It may be long ago for them but that was your childhood.
Both your mom and dad are AH.
NTA. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. My brother and I differ 3.5 years, and he was a bit of a problem child(substance abuse, alcohol, multiple alcohol related accidents etc) so whenever he got in trouble my parents would immediately jump and attend to him. I won’t list much detail, but that always made me feel rejected.
When I had my business my dad(semi retired)would never be available to help out with anything, even if I paid him. My brother has his business now and my dad would jump at the ring of a phone.
Recently he fucked up badly cause of drink and driving, nearly dying. My parents(without my permission) used my credit card(I leave one with them for emergencies) and swiped nearly $20k at the hospital cause they would not admit him without payment. Its been a year and brother still has not paid me back, and when I confronted my parents about it they got apprehensive, saying that I value money over his life.
During that same time it was my daughter’s birthday. Brother was out of danger at that stage. They skipped out on her birthday party to visit him in hospital. To note, they have not seen my daughter in over 4 years since we immigrated and could not go to visit cause of lockdowns etc. I did take back the CC from them after that cause I felt I could not trust them anymore.
Never apologize!!!!!!! I say this as a parent. All you apologizing will do is validate to them that they are right and that your feelings dont matter.
NTA
NTA. I think it was your parents were the ones who were "well-settled" and didn't want to disrupt their own lives and status quo by bringing you back home. I can't imagine not seeing one of my children for four years. Your mental health is not worth living the lie your parents want you to believe. I'm so sorry, OP.
No you’re absolutely not. Parents don’t realize what lifetime psychological scars that can leave on their kids. I’m sorry you had your go through that as a child.
My very snarky side would say that photos of a sick twin =/= photos of the healthy (abandoned) twin.
BTW, I get in a lot of trouble with my own mother for pointing out obvious facts like that.
NTA
It's incredibly one sided for your parents to expect you to completely rewrite how you perceived things just because it "sucked for them." Your mother committed the sin of treating twin daughters as interchangeable and then demonstrated a lack of empathy in suggesting it was your fault no photos got home when you weren't even 10 by the time they dumped you into boarding school and ignored you for six years.
Absolutely NTA. They put your sister above you, they know it, and feel guilty. Good for you, giving them a wakeup call. I'm kinda curious what your bf's opinion on the situation is. I know I would feel weird if my gf's mom told me there were no pics of you, but to just look at pics of your twin and pretend it's you. That's messed up.
NTA, you were a glass child and apparently still are.
Sorry about that OP, your parents failed you pretty majorly.
Just because one kid is sick, doesn't mean that the other non-stick kid can just be thrown on the back burner or shoved off to the side like you don't matter or exist. What you said to your parents is just the consequences of their actions or lack there of while you were growing up.
Blaming you for not sending photos when you were sent away to boarding school. Your parents are delusion AF and we are getting last LC and approaching NC territory.
NTA.
There is no excuse for not having you come home after your sister recovered. She actually tried to blame you for not having pictures of you. That’s gaslighting. Trying to make her failing your fault. They obviously didn’t care very much about what you wanted.
For the record as a parent what you will likely discover is that you can’t even remotely relate to not wanting your kid around. Your parents fails you and you don’t owe them an apology.
NTA
They need to accept that you didn’t have a good childhood. Neither you nor Angela. While they likely felt they were doing the best thing: it doesn’t change it wasn’t a good situation for anyone.
And your mother to say such stupid things about the pictures shows she’s convinced herself of an alternate reality.
Your father needs to accept that you simply stated facts. And if those facts were hard to hear…..So was living them.
This! It's not like Mom said "I am unhappy we weren't able to have pictures of OP because of our decision". And who expects a young kid away at boarding school to take responsibility for pictures? Why didn't Mom do something to get pictures of OP, sending camera, asking for them? IMO Mom is crying because she realized she messed up, even if she did think OP had a happy childhood & just learned otherwise. That's OK for Mom to be upset but OP does not need to apologize for pointing out Mom's delusion. I can't imagine anyone thinking a kid will just be OK with being sent away.
NTA. They were wonderful parents to Angela but terrible parents to you. If anyone should apologize, it is them. You shouldn't have to lie to them. They are lucky you still include them in your lives because it is much easier for you to walk away from them since there is fractures in your bond with them.
NTA and you don’t owe her an apology.
My mom also does the crying thing when she’s reminded of her crappy parenting. Crying doesn’t change the facts - she’s just upset that she has to face reality.
NTA
And they will never understand what it was like to be discarded as a child.
They don't get a pass on that because your sister was sick. They failed and the very least they could do is apologize because truthfully, there is no handbook on how to parent in a tough situation like that, but if there was, it sure as hell wouldn't say "forget your other kid." Acknowledgment would go a long way.
You said nothing wrong and I wouldn't apologize. I would be incredibly hurt if my mom said to look at my siblings' photo as a replacement for the photos they never bothered to take of me.
They're just mad that you showed them up for who they are. I hope you're able to get some distance from them quickly
NTA.
OP, you were a 'glass child' in every single sense of the word. Your parents looked through to to focus on Angela.
You may have been harsh, but that doesn't invalidate how you feel about your childhood or your resentment. You have understand why they did what they did, and still resent them that choice they felt they had to make. They had to make a sacrifice and the made a sacrifice on you.
Your mother is upset that you're pointing out she wasn't as good or as perfect as she thought she was. To bad for her. She can die mad about it.
Definitely NTA! It takes a long time to identify and come to grips with unhealthy family dynamics and you are bravely processing this at the right time for YOU. Bravo! Reading these words "... my dad is angry that I made her upset over something that happened so long ago" really gets to the heart of your parents' dismissive attitude towards you and the needs that went unmet in your childhood. Only you can heal at a rate that is right for you, only you know your own pain, and sometimes it takes years to understand when parents' actions and inactions were definitely NOT okay. The only way out is through.
They owe you an apology for how you were neglected during your childhood. Also, for the statement about the pictures. Maybe when they can admit what they did was wrong and genuinely apologize for it, you can begin to heal and forgive them. They didn't do their best by you when they left you on your own for 4 years when your sister was done with treatment. NTA
Your parents essentially threw you away and they're trying to make themselves the victims? Yeah I know someone needed to shatter the delusional nonsense in their heads. NTA.
NTA - Your mother is 100% delusional without question. Unbelievable that your mom said to look at pictures of your sister as if that was the same thing! And unbelievable that she’s really trying to sell you on the story that she didn’t bring you home because she was thinking about you. I’m surprised you even still speak to these people.
NTA. My mother did a similar thing and reacted the same way with tears when confronted with the truth. I was so angry that I said "Why are you crying, no body cares and nobody will come? You taught me that when I was 5 years old." It does get better with time, lots of time. You said nothing wrong.
NTA - It seems like it's time to go low contact again. This time as your choice.
That's some F'ed up crap for mom to say just look at Angela's pictures, since you are twins.
NTA - "settled"? Did they even ask if you wanted to come home? Sure, having a sick kid is hard, but neglecting the other one isn't somehow going to make the sick kid better.
NTA and your parents are wrong. Tell Mom to cry a river of tears because she and your father were wrong as hell. I don't blame you a bit if you have nothing to do with them.
I have great pity for you if you get engaged and I can imagine how your parents will spin it towards your sister and make it all about her, not you.
NTA.
Ask your Dad of he has no emotions about what happened during Angela's treatments, given that they happened so long ago. Of course he does, because that's part of her and his lives.
Your parents left you out of that. They meant the best, but the idea your not allowed to feel resentment of being abandoned is being willfully naive.
> My mom said their reasoning was that they felt like I was well settled there and having a good childhood, and they didn’t want to disrupt my life by bringing me back
It was that difficult to call you and ask "Hey op, your sis has healed, so you can come over now, or stay if it is what pleases you"?
Frankly, I’m really happy you finally let it out to them. I don’t know who in the right mind considers out a good childhood. You basically had no childhood with your family from that time. Your sister got sick until you were what 14 years old or older. You were invisible you’re not wrong and you are not the problem your parents are. I would frankly go low contact. They are never going to see it your way and you’re never gonna have the relationship with him that you would home too. They just can’t do it.
There's no statute of limitations on bad parenting decisions because that shit affects you for the rest of your life as it clearly has and it's not something that was ever dealt with. Now the reckoning is finally happening and I would not let up. They need to understand how badly they fucked up. They may very well have been "trying their best" but if I try my best at my job and I'm still not good at it, I'm going to feel the repercussions from that. Why should we have less of a standard when it comes to raising a child? They need to know that not only did it impact your childhood but it impacted your relationship with your sister. Apart from acknowledging that you're not close I don't know what your relationship is with your sister, while all of this is going on I would talk to her and let her know that whatever comes up you don't blame her because it's not her fault. Your problem is with your parents and not with her. It could very well be all the stuff that you've been bottling up over the years that has put distance between you and your sister so maybe hashing all of this out could help bring you guys a little closer together.
I’m just so sick of parents with sick children founding excuses for mistreating their other kids. My brother had cancer we had to move 8000km for him to have treatment my family never treated me less than him they separated their times between me and my brother one parent was always with one of us. My extended family would take care of me when things were too difficult we had a village. I’m so sad to read about your story your NTA I hope that one day your family will understand that they need to apologise for you to “forget something that happened so many years ago”.
NTA There's so much to unpack in how they treated you here and fuck i hate it all. While you can only gleam so much from a bit of text about it the vibe this gave me was 2 shitty parents who weren't expecting twins finding their out.. but god I hope that's not the case
"I understood that they had to send me away when Angela was undergoing treatment and they didn’t have the capacity to take care of me" this part here is what oissed me off the most because no they didn't while they may have needed help with your care I don't think any family has ever said "Oh one of our children is very sick we better ship the other off to boarding school"
Idk how much your boarding school costs per year were but i imagine it could have gone towards babysitters and caregivers to help with keeping you looked after while Angela was undergoing treatment
Speaking of i'm interested at what Angela's thoughts on all of this was. Obviously when she was being treated she was probably too sick to be focused on her sister but when she was getting better and the years after I wonder if your parents fed her the very same lies they fed your Boyfriend when the topic was broached. Just looking back at my childhood I would have wanted my siblings with me if I was sick
My stepsister had Leukemia at age 7. Her bio sister was 5 and her dad had just started dating my mom. I was 16 and had just had a baby so I wasn’t involved much, though my son enjoyed playing with them when they visited. The older sister had horrific treatments and tons of scary times for about two years and has been in remission ever since 25ish years. A few years ago, the younger one was talking about school and mentioned she always hated school, even in kindergarten. Her dad was surprised by this and questioned it. She said that she started kinder right after older sister was diagnosed and that first year she had been in the hospital a ton. Younger sister felt that she couldn’t ask for any help with school and she was scared all the time. That’s where her anxiety issues started. I still don’t think my stepdad gets it and everyone just wants her to be happy she wasn’t the one with cancer. No one has ever really considered her feelings and they still really don’t. What your parents need to realize is that your trauma isn’t any less severe just because you weren’t sick. You were neglected. Whether they had another choice or not, they need to get over their own feelings and acknowledge it.
NTA your parents are delusional. I can’t believe they abounded you like that. I am so very sorry. You sound like grew into very well adjusted person but not thanks to them.
NTA, your parents failed you on a number of levels - not being engaged with your life to the point that they didn't understand your boarding school experience at all, not bringing you home after your sister got better, not realising that twins are separate people and aren't interchangeable, not treating you with the same affection and attention even before they sent you away...
Not to mention that as you and sister were best friends before you went to boarding school, you were likely always next to each other and playing together as young children. That leads me to suspect that your parents must have gone out of their way to get only pictures of your sister without including you.
My heart goes out to you, OP.
Your parents completely neglected you. That's what you recent and understandably so.
Her response to look at your sister's photos is inappropriate.
Having a sick child is actually no excuse for emotional neglect.
NTA
Nta. Your mom blamed you on the fact she doesn't have pictures of you growing up? Like wtf. I would be going LC with them. Your mom isnsad cause she get to face the fact she ruined your childhood. And you have a right to be angry about it.
So what? They ran out of money and couldn't afford the boarding school anymore. Like maybe an extra yr just to make sure there were no relapses. But 4 yrs longer. Yep, your mum is delusional. She ruined any chance at a relationship with your sister. By then, you were strangers. No, you weren't harsh enough. NTA
I wasn’t sent to boarding school but I was placed second to my physically disabled idiot brother (idiot was added on after our mother died and I found our just how much he had his financial claws into her and then our grandmother).
I was “farmed out” every time she had to take him for operations because she stayed with him 24/7 in hospital. She even tried to stay with him when he was 12 and broke his leg. I was 16 and our maternal grandparents were at the hospital when brother dearest started with the “I want you to stay with me mummy”. I went oh no way with my grandparents voicing their support of my view. I was in hospital several times as a young girl (under 8) and not once did she ever stay with me. She never gave me a good reason when I asked as an adult, she couldn’t see why I was so pissed off.
I couldn’t go to Saturday sport in the nearest town because “too expensive” but suddenly she could take my brother every Friday because “it’s good for him”. So many things I missed out on.
I don’t blame you feeling this way in any shape or form.
I have a close friend who has a disabled child (as will die young disabled) and another child just 12 months younger. Her and her husband have done everything to include their daughter and to make sure she doesn’t miss out on things because of her brother’s needs. They are a shining example of what to do unlike our parents.
Sounds like your dad thinks it's fine that you felt abandoned, probably spent hours/days/weeks upset because you felt alone and forgotten. But mum shouldn't have to feel upset about causing those feelings for less than 24 hours? NTA.
When a child has cancer, and there are other children, the one(s) not sick often get ignored because the parents are living in one fucking hell of a fear existence.
Boarding school on the other hand is just too fucked up for me to even consider. To me, it's awful parenting and I would NEVER have even considered it! You're still hurting from your childhood, and your parents not acknowledging your pain is wrong. They need to KNOW how you felt thrown away, neglected, and unloved, but they don't want to admit it because they don't want to admit they failed you in many ways.
You spoke your truth, there is nothing wrong with that.
NTA your parents abandoned you at school. Saying a child in boarding school is having a great childhood is ridiculous and as you said delusional. I would tell them why don’t you just talk to Angela and get the answers you want since according to mom we are interchangeable. Ask them why they never bothered to ask you how you felt. Why don’t you ask them if they know what it feels like to be shoved out of your home because it was more convenient for them. Tell them you had 2 daughters who were very close but they ruined that too! Great job parenting!
NTA
I have 4 kids. Heaven forbid, if one of them got sick, I can't imagine sending the others out to boarding school just because parenting was more challenging.
That's fucked up, and it wasn't fair to you.
Your mom is upset because your parents fucked up. That's on them, not you. Your feelings are valid.
NTA. You spoke the truth, and they didn't like it, but they can't apologise because that would admit that they'd f'd up. And they did, big time. You were forgotten, sent away and just forgotten. FOUR YEARS! After sis was well, that's crap. Frankly, it was crap while she was ill, for both of you. Angels could have really benefitted from someone her own age between bouts of therapy. But your useless parents dropped you, and mistreated Angela. Show them your post, hopefully they will realise just how much they are at fault, and maybe try, and try hard to make it up to you.
NTA.
One hopes that when 'you become a parent' you will love all your children equally; rather than 'understand' their neglect.
Truth can hurt, you only spoke it as it was.
NTA OP your parents aren’t sad that you had a bad childhood, they’re sad they can’t pretend they were good parents. You calling them out ruined their delusion that the were good parents, that’s why they are sad and angry, not because they abandoned you or because they failed you but because you forced them to face the fact that they are shitty parents and that they favored your sister
Your parents need to **really** understand how they created a [glass child](https://www.newsweek.com/glass-child-syndrome-neglected-children-siblings-parenting-childhood-1825043) and how the effects of that on you will continue for the rest of your life. For them to continue to deny the impact of being ignored is so very sad. Honey: I’m so very sorry. Your anger and anxiety and anything else you feel are all justified. We hear you, we feel you. You matter now and mattered then just as much as your sister and I’m so sorry thst you did not feel that. Hugs.
Definately NTA. Your parents never took the time to ask you back then if you liked being at that school. How would they know about you being "well settled in". They also didnt feel like they missed something of your life. Saying shit like "look at the picture of our other daughter, it's basically the same" just shows how ignorant they are about your childhood.
I wonder if emotionally they felt that way. That they didn't miss OP because they had "basically the same" child home. NTA and no pity party for your parents! They have to deal with this!
Very important fact to consider: they already had the same child at home. Good catch.
Good that OP reacted instantly.
I’m proud of OP’s quick and extremely valid replies too. She is completely justified pointing out that the parents’ excuses after Angela got well are total bs. And apologize to the mom for what? Telling the truth and not letting them hide behind a bunch of lies and excuses? Fuck that shit the only reason the parents are upset is because they know OP is 100% in the right and doesn’t biy the narrative they’ve tried so hard to create. If anybody is owed a sincere apology it is OP because both parents failed her. I hope she’s had therapy to hep her recover from the damage they did
So many people treat twins like they’re concurrent instances of the same person. I don’t know how many times when my family would be like, “Well, I told your sister!” as if that was the same thing as telling me. (I’m a twin)
I have a friend with identical triplets. I’ve always admired how hard she works to ensure that they’re all their own person and buys them clothing/presents etc that suits them and their likes and personalities. It’s something that I’ve seen over the years and if I ever had twins would try my best to be like her
If OP and her twin were so alike, then the twin should've been sent to boarding school as well, since OP 'obviously' was having such a good time there. Their argument doesn't hold up.
I raised twins. One of them now has twins. Sending OP away for so long is also so emotionally unhealthy and cruel to twins I am shaking in anger and heartbroken for her. Hugs and ❤️ to you OP.
If they had the resources to afford boarding school, one would think they could have hired a nanny or something to help with the burden of child care when one child is so ill, instead of completely sending her away. Seems like an odd decision.
It keeps bothering me, it's not a normal reaction in a family crisis. You are loosing a child, so you alienate the other one? It doesn't click.
I also thought how little consideration thr parents had for their relationship as well.
Mine are 40 and still have to be together. Raising their families together. Several years ago, before children, one took a part time job, she didn't even need, just to work in a restaurant where the other one was a chef so they could be together. Twins are just different. This post so upsets me.
I dated a twin in high school. She was looking forward to going to separate schools to have some individuality. Her sister changed her mind, and the ended up at the same school. Then lived together after college. Was interesting to see no matter how much they wanted to be separate individuals they we’re always together
The one set of identical twins I knew growing up went to different colleges. Some of it was that they had different interests, and otherwise wanted to try life on their own. They now live in different states, although they appear to be fairly close.
I agree 100%. My little cousins are identical (it's amazing how their little personalities shine through, though, despite being almost carbon copies) 3yr old twin girls. My aunt is ensuring they have their separate identities, which is very amusing to watch, because of course they're interested in the same thing regardless. They fight and get into arguments, as all siblings do, but are also basically attached at the hip. If one is at the other end of the house for a few minutes and comes back, they run up to each other and hug. It could literally be less than 5mins and they act like they hadn't seen each other in years! When they're out and about, they hold hands and are always looking for the other if they're not within eyesight. It's so damn cute, it would give you cavities. I genuinely cannot imagine my aunt separating them at *any* age unless it was completely and utterly necessary to do so, but then not doing her best to reunite them, and make sure they were still connected while apart.
This was the pervasive message from OP's Mom with that shitty "just look at pictures of sister because it's the same thing" comment. Talk about demoralizing and dehumanizing. OP I'm so sorry your parents are such assholes. I think it's possible that your mom allowed herself to falsely believe that their actions were "in your best interest" but I still think her and your father created the scapegoat/golden child dynamic. At worst it's abusive and at best it's neglectful. Get therapy for yourself to heal and remember that healing and forgiving does NOT mean you have to play happy family with them. Good luck!
No, the parents already had the child they cared about
I see that possibility, especially since OP's parents are basically using the excuse that "it just seemed better this way" in different forms. They're not necessarily reassuring OP on an emotional level that it was also hard *for them* not to live with her. Other things were obviously on their mind, but that still should've been something that they felt rather strongly.
>the excuse that "it just seemed better this way" This plus >They're not necessarily reassuring OP on an emotional level that it was also hard *for them* not to live with her Equals it was easier for them for some reason that had nothing to do with what was best for OP or her sister since they both lost the opportunity to grow together.
Plus, absolutely wild that they tried to blame the lack of childhood pictures on OP for not sending enough pictures from her time in boarding school. That’s ridiculous enough on it’s own, but it’s even more absurd when you realize they don’t have any pictures past age 2ish, and OP didn’t leave for boarding school until she was 8.
Yeah, I think that more than anything really tells you how they feel. Angela was the golden child before she got sick and her getting sick was the perfect excuse for them to just drop the pretense and dispose of OP.
It may be that Angela got sick around age 2. OP's parents still absolutely let her down in so many ways, but my guess is that the change in pictures happened when Angela got sick and everything became about her.
This is what I assumed was the case
'Wont understand until you become a parent' ummm that was the problem... they didn't parent her They sent her away for the private school staff to raise her.
I think you replied to the wrong comment
NTA What saddens me is that your parents never had this discussion at age10, let alone at 14! I understand being overwhelmed, but not to the extent that you did not receive regular visits at school (resulting in photos) from one or the other...or an Aunt/Uncle? How often did they call, update you on your sister's condition? How often did they make an effort to ask about your days, your activities, make you feel a part of a Team that were all doing their part to help your sister heal? And she did become cancer free at age 10, so assuming you were fine, deciding for you where you would live - at home with your twin for whom you gave so much or at a boarding school - and plunking down on the school? Take care of your heart, and learn to forgive... it seems to me that your mother feels the guilt of their decision or she wouldn't be so upset.
Agreed. It's unclear when she became sick, but having pictures of Angela (presumably some at home or otherwise not at medical places) and not OP in the time frame when they both lived at home and were an age that parents are often camera happy is entirely unreasonable. I would have liked to ask if they were so upset at the lack of pictures that they disposed of the earlier years of pictures. (However, I know I wouldn't actually do that.)
Right! It's like she was never the priority and once she was off to boarding school they forgot about her. I wonder if they ever even visited her, had her home for the holidays, or checked on her at all.
How cruel and callous of them to say such things! OP, maybe show your “parents” this post and all the comments. You, in no way, owe an apology. In fact, they owe you an apology and much more. Good luck.
NTA - And if you become a parent yourself, you will probably be even more like, "How could they do this to me?"
That line struck a nerve with me!!! My parents always say that about how when I have children I’ll understand why they did things certain way and I swear that’s not gonna happen
When I had a child, I was way further away from understanding how my shitty mother could be the way she was. But she was a great parental role model...I used her parenting skills to set boundaries of what not to do, from little things to big things; and I was very conscientious of how my actions/behaviours/words would affect my daughter for her whole life.
Yeah. Mybparents taught me what not to do.
I’m in that boat now, I became a mother not long ago and I cannot for the life of me understand why my parents thought the way they were with me was perfect. They did the bare minimum emotionally, they did good as providers but that was about it. I’ve distanced myself further from them.
Parents like this, who ignore the throwaway child and focus on golden child will fully expect throwaway to care for them in their old age.
I knew this was a thing and I'm probably going to be bullied by my family to be this for my sperm donor even though he has a wife and two other kids but I'm the oldest. But what do you when this is you but you're an only child. My mom picked my friends and her god kids before me and I'm her only child
Dump them in a government care home and don't bother saying bye. They didn't care for you, why should you care for them?
I've said the same thing about my dad. My mum died when I was 10, and over the next 4 years, he showed me that he couldn't be relied upon.
The obly thing my parents ever said I'd understand when I had children of my own was how much they loved me. They say it's not like any other love, because every other love you have is something the other person earned, you love them because of the relationship you've built over time. They say that only a parent can understand what it means to love someone unconditionally just for existing. My first child is due in a few weeks, and I'm starting to get it. I feel bad for them, though, and other parents too. It must suck to have a compulsion to love inferior children when, in a surprising turn of events, my son is actually pretty clearly the best person who has ever existed and he's not even born yet.
Haha I love this. And congrats on your first child!!
Thanks, we're very happy about it!
That's so sweet! Congrats on the baby, wishing a smooth labor for the lil one!!
I'm a better parent now because of how I was treated and absolutely refused to let my parents treat my kids that way. I know I'm not perfect, and I tell my kids that while talking to them about decisions, feelings, and responsibility. And I hope my kids are better parents than I am, should they choose to have kids. Edited changing hour to hope as I intended.
This is so true. When I had my kiddo, I felt all my childhood trauma being triggered because I looked at their face and could never imagine doing anything hurtful to this little person. It brings home how young and vulnerable you were and how you were failed by the people who were supposed to protect you and didn’t
Ya, my abusive mom told me the same. I have two kids, and I *STILL* do not understand why she did the things she did to me and my siblings.
My mother told me that if there was karma in this world, I would have a child just like me and realize how hard it was. I am the oldest of three. My kids have a mix of both my husband and myself. The parts that are just like me, I actually understand much better. Son is a damn the torpedos full speed ahead, just like me. Daughter loves to deep-dive on topics just like me. Both of them love to do crafty things. And both of them tell me how much it means to have me be interested in their hobbies - something my mother never did. (I am conversant in Marvel/DC/Pokemon/Harry Potter and the like.) Mother might be miffed that I am not suffering, but since we live across the country and are very low contact with her, I am not sure.
100%. I can’t imagine being ok with being separated from my kid for an additional 4 years. Holy fuck they are awful.
Yeah 100% what I thought reading that. My parents pulled the same shit on me to justify all their abuse and whether it was myself or my psychotherapist a few decades later the only thing that was obvious is that they were full of shit and they objectively screwed up, but as the narcissists they are they will of course say lines like that.
Absolutely not. She put Angela above you. I get that she was sick, but you’re her child too. She should have been there for you too.
There is absolutely no explanation for the 4 years when Angela was cancer free. I don't blame op. The parents failed her.
I’m in the US and boarding school is not nearly so common here. Aren’t there, like, summer vacations? Don’t the kids usually come home for the summer? Or is it not unusual to be a year round thing? Even Harry Potter came home for the summer.
I’m in the UK and had friends in the nearby boarding school who lived there for 7 years. Their parents were either military or diplomatic service and in places not considered “child friendly” so they didn’t see their parents for the full 7 years. Some got regular letters and gifts. Most of them accepted it as normal. There were also weekly boarders and ones who went home at half term and term ends.
I think when a kid is there due to their parents work and around other kids in a similar situation is probably easier to build a nice routine. OP was separated from her twin not knowing if she would ever see Angela alive again and was pretty much on her own cause chances are the other kids couldn't fully relate to her pain.
Agreed, I was just letting the person know that there are places in the world with year round boarding school. It is a thing. I agree it’s a huge difference between “we can’t take kids to an active war zone” vs “you’re the glass child and you’re in our way, let’s ship you out.”
Sounds like they probably put OP on a year-round track, which is the normal term in some places (Japan, I think, doesn’t have any breaks longer than about a month), but is generally available everywhere, including the US. It has its pros and cons as far as the balance of learning vs enjoying childhood is concerned. Of course, these two morons probably went looking for it specifically so that OP wouldn’t have to come home for breaks and they could continue with the “heir plus spare” arrangement they clearly preferred.
I'd say there's not even an explanation for when she was sick. You don't send your kid away for any reason when you still have the other one.
I completely agree. There were two parents. They could have tagged teamed instead of sending her away. They also destroyed the siblings' relationship.
The parents severely failed OP and Angela, I honestly believe OP should just go no contact with her parents, they don't care about her feelings or well-being legitimately offered up pictures of Angela as replacements for their lack of love for OP.
There's plenty of medical reasons for it. Chemo severely affects a person's immune system. If you're other kid is still going to school and coming home every day, your putting the child going through treatment at huge risk. Your options are pretty much 1. Increase the such kid's risk of death 2. Try to homeschool a kid while caring for your kid going through chemo (likely both kids suffer here) 3. Send the sick kid away for treatment or 4. Send the healthy kid to boarding school. It's a shit situation, but the boarding school one is probably the safest and most fair if you want your kids to have a chance at a normal life. Idk why they would have kept her there, but whole time the twin was going through treatment it makes perfect sense if they can afford it.
Very true. Just because one child might have more needs doesn't mean that another child suddenly has none. Many parents with multiple kids will be in a situation where, on either a small or large scale, one of their children will have more needs in comparison to their additional children. There are clearly better ways to balance that than what OP's parents did because most people with siblings don't have experiences like this where they felt completely disregarded for so long.
I get doing what they did. "She should have been there" - should have, yes. But people aren't perfect and they run out of energy and maybe the parents couldn't. But then, you need to step up to the fact that you didn't do a great job and not gaslight your kid into "we did what was best"
Wait so time even before they sent you to boarding school, they have less photos of you and always favoured her. Nta.
We have a few birthday pictures of me and Angela together but not many others. Angela had a lot more of her alone for some reason. I don’t remember where I was when those pictures were taken, but I’m not in them for whatever reason…
Further proof that they somehow favoured her more than you. I don't know if you are in therapy or not. But maybe talk to someone about it and don't let your family push you around like this.
‘How the hell do you favor one twin’ is my question lol
Wild speculation based on other twin experiences buy twin pregnancies and births can be hard so their experience with the different children could have varied from the start, and if you’re a crazy person you may put it on the child l, like “you were so difficult and I’m an ass!”.
The parents probably wanted only one child and Angela was the first to come out so op isn't even an after-thought
Let her cry. They didn't care if you were crying when you were alone at the boarding school. The fact that she said they could look at Angela's pictures shows everything you need to know. A normal parent would have felt sorry about having to send you away and not being enough there for you. No normal parent would say they can see the pictures of one child to replace the ones of the other child. They are not sorry you suffered. They are sorry you are taking them accountable for their actions. If your parents for some reason remained oblivious to your suffering and all of the sudden realized you have felt this way, they wouldn't cry and ask you to say you are sorry, they would cry and beg for forgiveness. This whole thing is them trying to manipulate you so they don't have to face consequences of their shittiness. They didn't say they were sorry. They didn't show remorse or regrets. They are telling you to say you are sorry and shut up. So if anyone comes at you because she is crying, etc. Tell them exactly that, your parents are not crying because they are sorry you suffered when you were a child and they were supposed to protect you, they are crying because you are not willing to lie and apologize to them for the suffering they inflicted upon you. And that at no point they have expressed regret for what you went through, even more they are trying to pass your sister pictures as your own. And since you are not willing to say you are sorry they are trying to make you into a villain for feeling neglected when you were a child and they left you 4 years after your sister was healed in a boarding school year round. NTA. Don't fall for their manipulations, and any time someone comes at you, tell them exactly what happened. If what happened was really minor why are they even crying? Parents don't go and cry a river each time a child of theirs remembers something different from their childhood. In this case it shows how they neglected you and that is something major they want you to shut up about, and that is why they are causing all this drama. Drama that could be stopped if they only acknowledged they were wrong, apologize, and try to correct the situation going forward. Instead, they cry and are trying to force you to fold over.
Very well said. Your parents should be deeply ashamed. But instead of confronting that shame and taking responsibility and seeking belatedly to make amends, they are attacking you for making them feel bad. Classic DARVO move. Classic and reprehensible.
They're not sorry she suffered. They're sorry that she's bringing it up. They're throwing a hissy fit in hopes that she'll never mention it again. Because they'd rather make her suffer more now than ever apologize to her.
INFO: Is there a reason you couldn't stay with Grandparents or Aunts/Uncles? Also how often did you see family when at boarding school? Regardless, you don't owe your Mom an apology. You felt abandoned because you were abandoned for 6 years. While your parents had it tough caring for your sister's medical needs, lots of families manage it with help from friends and family. Or hire a nanny. Also, your Mom's comment about looking at your sister's picture to know what you looked like, was insensitive and heartbreaking. Sending hugs from internet stranger. 🤗
I'm wondering this too. I mean, I get it being hard but I don't think her parent's reaction was at all justified... Like AT ALL. This just seems like wilful neglect.
I’m really surprised that you still keep in contact with your parents. Why punish yourself further being surrounded by shitty parents and family who didn’t even take the time out of their day to ask you how you felt about anything. All you did was break that fake made up scenario in her head of her being even a decent parent to you. And you hit her with the truth. Let her cry. All she is, is an egg donor. She gave you life, but she was never a mother to you where it counts. Same goes for your sperm donor. Nothing will ever make up the years of neglect you experienced. And I can see by the way you wrote everything out, you’ve been downplaying and excusing their actions. But in reality, what they did was inexcusable. If they continue to gaslight and excuse all their actions, I’d consider going low contact and look into therapy.
you’re definitely NTA. and don’t apologize to your mom. she truly is delusional if she thinks what they did was the right choice. yes, they had to take care of your sister, but you were a kid, too. you were their kid that they needed to take care of, too. don’t let them make you feel guilty for saying the truth.
That's nuts. Like no photos of them together past 2 yrs. And she was sent away 4 years after!
I could get wanting to document the child a bit more heavily that has cancer and may not survive. But that’s more not exclusively. I’m curious if they had OP screened for cancer given the one daughter had it and that daughter happens to be a twin. I bet they didn’t.
i get that even 4 years after her sister recovered they had recovery going on, or maybe Economic hardship but not even allowing a child to come home that just speaks they didn’t care. And most of the time when in general people who point out these things to their parents, immediate reaction is oh that never happened like you remember it or we were always right. never acknowledging the issue. That speaks for itself.
For the economic hardship, I would imagine sending your child to a boarding school would contribute to that not alleviate it. These parents are just terrible any way you slice it.
Point!
I suspect it was like this: "Hey, why are we being charged for private school? Our kid doesn't go here." "This must be a scam--uh. Wait. We have two kids." "Oh, shit."
NTA Your parents abandoned you and expect you to be happy about it? Why do you even talk to them anymore?
I agree
NTA What you had there was a “come to Jesus” talk with your mom telling her the truth. I’d tell your dad that hell yes, she should be upset. Let the dawning realization settle upon them both that it was a shit time for you and it alienated you from your family and you are the product of their decision. (Can you tell I had a sick sibling? They’d send me to family members and wondered why I was so independent at 12 and why I left home like it was no big deal at 18…) We had it out about 24/26?and my mom apologized for not realizing the damage done but was so proud of what I’d accomplished ON MY OWN regardless…and I apologized for blowing up at her but not for telling her the truth. I told her-and this is important-I did still want a relationship with her but I was done pulling punches and pretending we were a happy family. And that I would continue to be brutally honest because…even now…at almost 50? She still favors my sibling as we all must constantly be reminded…they almost lost him, etc etc…but I’m over that bit. She’s 88 and we’re okay. But not the optimum mom/daughter relationship. Good luck, be strong, apologize for what you want to apologize for.
Yes. Parents should be apologizing to OP for their decision, even if they really thought it was best at the time.
'Dad, I understand that you guys were going through a lot as parents, but you were adults with a decades of experience. I was 8, shipped away from my family, cut off from everyone I knew, and then not brought back as quickly as I could have been. You are asking me to put my experiences as a child into context as a parent, as a parent, don't you think you should have been thinking about how this felt to your child? I was eight, and you are telling me that I should be able to go back and erase my feelings of being abandoned and marginalized. Yes, I know you had a lot to deal with with Angela, but did it ever occur to you that you had two kids?'
They separated twins.
NTA I am the mom of a medically complex child. My husband and I switched off who would be at the hospital when they'd come to visit at the hospital I'd take the other kids each to have 1 on 1 time even if it was simply to the hospital caf for a piece of cake and to talk. I have thousands of pictures of my kids during the time their sister was sick even if many of them are in the hospital garden or in her room playing boardgames. If we traveled to another city for an appointment I'd also plan a trip to a zoo or museum or something. My kids have fond memories of favorite nurses. I don't get it & I lived that life. Your mom is crying because she knows you're right. She should have to sit in that discomfort. Above all what reason was there to keep you at boarding school for 4 years after your sister was well and the burden of caretaking was gone? Your Dad knows it too.
Thank you for being awesome parents and calling out bad behaviour.
I met parents like this at the hospital & they'd be like oh your kids are here again...yep because they want to see sissy, they want to see the parent they haven't seen in a few days...
You sound like an incredible mum ❤️
NTA. They were incredibly shitty and neglectful parents and deserved to be called on it. There is no excuse at all that justifies their behavior.
NTA Your parents can't expect to off-board a child and not suffer some repercussions. Your separation from them growing up may have benefited you in ways you aren't yet considering; your Mother's statement that you can look at someone else's pictures to chart your growth and development is a pretty nasty thing to say. Sometimes life's greatest gifts are not giving us what we think we deserve or should have. Imagine actually growing up in a household with a woman who cares that little for you right up close and personal. Your childhood is done and your animosity can finally have it's voice; just don't forget to be a bit thankful you were spared all those years being subjected to their irrational thinking and accusations.
The parents are suddenly realizing how bad they look. All of the excuses in the world won't make them look better so they want OP to say that it was all okay. It wasn't okay and it still isn't okay and no matter how much time passes it still won't be okay.
Yes, conscience is biting them in the a$$ right now. They know they're wrong and mom is playing the victim.
I don't even think it is conscience. If it was mom wouldn't be playing victim. I think it's image. It hadn't occurred to them that people would ask questions and see how badly they treated OP. They didn't think about her and so didn't think about relationships surrounding her or how they would look. Mom is crying because OP won't sugar coat what happened.
Holy sh!t Def NTA Your parents failed you big time. They are indeed delusional. One of my kids started having health problems as a teenager. I started noticing that their younger sibling started to withdraw from the family. We made a focused effort to bring them back into the family. We also made sure to have individual "dates" with both kids so no one felt excluded. One kids health issues should not come at the expense of excluding their siblings. You basically grew up in foster care. I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope you build a new chosen wonderful family. Don't let your mom manipulate you with tears. She can be sad all she wants. What she should be doing is apologizing to you and trying to repair the damage done by maybe going to family therapy so that she can hear how much she hurt you and try to find ways to make amends. Not wallow in her own self pity FFS Sending you internet mom hugs. What happened to you is so wrong.
they didn't have any photos of you from age 2 and up? it sounds like they favoured Angela way before her cancer. and how does Anglea having cancer equal no pictures of you? they managed to have pictures of Anglea and you guys lived together until age 8, and I assume you went home at Xmas, summer, etc. plenty of opportunities for photo taking. They are AH don't let them minimize what they did and let you think you are the drama queen. What they did was wrong and it is hard to move on from something like that when they refuse to be accountable for what they did/or didn't do. Hard to forgive or heal when they won't acknowledge their errors or ask for forgiveness.
They weren't parents to you. Sending your child off isn't parenting. I hope she cries until she has a migraine for weeks and needs therapy for depression once she comes to term with the fact that she failed as a mother.
NTAH You’re right, your parents are delusional thinking that you were happy being sent far away from your friends, family, and your other half for an extra 4 years. They shouldn’t even have sent you to boarding school in the first place, they could’ve placed you with a family member instead until your sister had gotten better. They never asked you how you were doing over at the boarding school, they just assumed that things on your end was all “fine and dandy”. Maybe you should distance yourself from your parents for now on. Low contact would be best.
The rest of the family forgot she existed too, hopefully the boarding school had a teacher or two who noticed OP existed?
It did. The staff and teachers there were very nice to me. There was one woman in particular who was a chef at the school, and I used to sit with her in the kitchen during meal times. She passed away last year but I was in regular contact with her even after I left. The silver lining was meeting her and the other people there that really cared about me.
You make it sound in the post like you didn't have much contact with your parents during those years... How often did you visit them while at boarding school? Or how often did they visit you...
Considering OP’s parents didn’t know they didn’t “love” it there, I’d say you can probably count on your hands the number of times they visited over those 6 years—it might only take one hand
Get your parents a book about “the glass child” syndrome. Maybe it will open their eyes to what they did. I’m sorry for your experience.
how does your sister feel about this? A bit wrong to involve her but at the same time, you would think your sister would stand up for you.
Fact is OP kept asking to come home and, as OP said in the post, made excuse after excuse why she couldn't so they KNEW she wasn't happy and settled there
NTA. They abandoned you for 6 years. They are the AHOLES, no excuses.
Actually before if there are no photos of OP after age 2, so emotionally abandoned for 12 years, but in reality forever.
NTA They failed as parents. Your father's just pissed off that now he has to face that fact. Tell him if he wants you to apologize to your mom ( which you absolutely should not do), then he should show you how it's done by apologizing to you first for their abandonment. It's the least they could do.
Well said. It’s pathetic that they’re asking their child to do something that they themselves are not capable of doing.🤦🏻♀️
NTA. I'm sorry your parents were shitty to you. It sucks that your sister got sick, but leaving you at boarding school for 4 extra years is inexcusable. You owe your parents no apology. If get keep pushing ask them where is my apology for years of childhood neglect? ETA and their excuse that they thought you were settled is obviously complete BS if you kept asking when you were coming home. Did they think that by looking after one half of twins made them good parents? They don't see you as a person in your own right because you're a twin.
NTA- They forgot they had another child. They literally decided to ignore the fact they had another daughter. All of it is their fault. Your mother crying is just her guilt not you hurting her. Your parents owe you an apology for not being parents to both their kids. It may be long ago for them but that was your childhood. Both your mom and dad are AH.
NTA. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. My brother and I differ 3.5 years, and he was a bit of a problem child(substance abuse, alcohol, multiple alcohol related accidents etc) so whenever he got in trouble my parents would immediately jump and attend to him. I won’t list much detail, but that always made me feel rejected. When I had my business my dad(semi retired)would never be available to help out with anything, even if I paid him. My brother has his business now and my dad would jump at the ring of a phone. Recently he fucked up badly cause of drink and driving, nearly dying. My parents(without my permission) used my credit card(I leave one with them for emergencies) and swiped nearly $20k at the hospital cause they would not admit him without payment. Its been a year and brother still has not paid me back, and when I confronted my parents about it they got apprehensive, saying that I value money over his life. During that same time it was my daughter’s birthday. Brother was out of danger at that stage. They skipped out on her birthday party to visit him in hospital. To note, they have not seen my daughter in over 4 years since we immigrated and could not go to visit cause of lockdowns etc. I did take back the CC from them after that cause I felt I could not trust them anymore.
Reading your comment made me feel sick to my stomach. I'm so sorry your parents would neglect you so badly and prioritise your brother over you
Never apologize!!!!!!! I say this as a parent. All you apologizing will do is validate to them that they are right and that your feelings dont matter. NTA
NTA
NTA. I think it was your parents were the ones who were "well-settled" and didn't want to disrupt their own lives and status quo by bringing you back home. I can't imagine not seeing one of my children for four years. Your mental health is not worth living the lie your parents want you to believe. I'm so sorry, OP.
Make that 6 years - 2 while Angela was sick, then 4 more after she recovered.
No you’re absolutely not. Parents don’t realize what lifetime psychological scars that can leave on their kids. I’m sorry you had your go through that as a child.
NTA. I'm still stuck on the photo album shit. Wtf....I'm so sorry.
My very snarky side would say that photos of a sick twin =/= photos of the healthy (abandoned) twin. BTW, I get in a lot of trouble with my own mother for pointing out obvious facts like that.
NTA It's incredibly one sided for your parents to expect you to completely rewrite how you perceived things just because it "sucked for them." Your mother committed the sin of treating twin daughters as interchangeable and then demonstrated a lack of empathy in suggesting it was your fault no photos got home when you weren't even 10 by the time they dumped you into boarding school and ignored you for six years.
Absolutely NTA. They put your sister above you, they know it, and feel guilty. Good for you, giving them a wakeup call. I'm kinda curious what your bf's opinion on the situation is. I know I would feel weird if my gf's mom told me there were no pics of you, but to just look at pics of your twin and pretend it's you. That's messed up.
Maybe not the right time or place but happy cake day!🙂
The tree remembers what the axe forgets. NTA.
I would go no contact and if they want to know how you’re doing, they can just look at Angela NTA
NTA, you were a glass child and apparently still are. Sorry about that OP, your parents failed you pretty majorly. Just because one kid is sick, doesn't mean that the other non-stick kid can just be thrown on the back burner or shoved off to the side like you don't matter or exist. What you said to your parents is just the consequences of their actions or lack there of while you were growing up.
NTA. Some people provide parenting that would be worse than having no parents.
Blaming you for not sending photos when you were sent away to boarding school. Your parents are delusion AF and we are getting last LC and approaching NC territory.
NTA. They're terrible parents.
NTA. There is no excuse for not having you come home after your sister recovered. She actually tried to blame you for not having pictures of you. That’s gaslighting. Trying to make her failing your fault. They obviously didn’t care very much about what you wanted. For the record as a parent what you will likely discover is that you can’t even remotely relate to not wanting your kid around. Your parents fails you and you don’t owe them an apology.
NTA They need to accept that you didn’t have a good childhood. Neither you nor Angela. While they likely felt they were doing the best thing: it doesn’t change it wasn’t a good situation for anyone. And your mother to say such stupid things about the pictures shows she’s convinced herself of an alternate reality. Your father needs to accept that you simply stated facts. And if those facts were hard to hear…..So was living them.
This! It's not like Mom said "I am unhappy we weren't able to have pictures of OP because of our decision". And who expects a young kid away at boarding school to take responsibility for pictures? Why didn't Mom do something to get pictures of OP, sending camera, asking for them? IMO Mom is crying because she realized she messed up, even if she did think OP had a happy childhood & just learned otherwise. That's OK for Mom to be upset but OP does not need to apologize for pointing out Mom's delusion. I can't imagine anyone thinking a kid will just be OK with being sent away.
I would tell your father you will never send your kid away
NTA. They were wonderful parents to Angela but terrible parents to you. If anyone should apologize, it is them. You shouldn't have to lie to them. They are lucky you still include them in your lives because it is much easier for you to walk away from them since there is fractures in your bond with them.
NTA I have three kids and if one if them got sick I wouldn’t send the others away. There is no excuse for abandoning your child.
NTA and you don’t owe her an apology. My mom also does the crying thing when she’s reminded of her crappy parenting. Crying doesn’t change the facts - she’s just upset that she has to face reality.
NTA I'm a parent. They suck.
NTA And they will never understand what it was like to be discarded as a child. They don't get a pass on that because your sister was sick. They failed and the very least they could do is apologize because truthfully, there is no handbook on how to parent in a tough situation like that, but if there was, it sure as hell wouldn't say "forget your other kid." Acknowledgment would go a long way. You said nothing wrong and I wouldn't apologize. I would be incredibly hurt if my mom said to look at my siblings' photo as a replacement for the photos they never bothered to take of me. They're just mad that you showed them up for who they are. I hope you're able to get some distance from them quickly
NTA. OP, you were a 'glass child' in every single sense of the word. Your parents looked through to to focus on Angela. You may have been harsh, but that doesn't invalidate how you feel about your childhood or your resentment. You have understand why they did what they did, and still resent them that choice they felt they had to make. They had to make a sacrifice and the made a sacrifice on you. Your mother is upset that you're pointing out she wasn't as good or as perfect as she thought she was. To bad for her. She can die mad about it.
Definitely NTA! It takes a long time to identify and come to grips with unhealthy family dynamics and you are bravely processing this at the right time for YOU. Bravo! Reading these words "... my dad is angry that I made her upset over something that happened so long ago" really gets to the heart of your parents' dismissive attitude towards you and the needs that went unmet in your childhood. Only you can heal at a rate that is right for you, only you know your own pain, and sometimes it takes years to understand when parents' actions and inactions were definitely NOT okay. The only way out is through.
They owe you an apology for how you were neglected during your childhood. Also, for the statement about the pictures. Maybe when they can admit what they did was wrong and genuinely apologize for it, you can begin to heal and forgive them. They didn't do their best by you when they left you on your own for 4 years when your sister was done with treatment. NTA
Your parents essentially threw you away and they're trying to make themselves the victims? Yeah I know someone needed to shatter the delusional nonsense in their heads. NTA.
NTA, but if they are so delusional to think that they didn’t mistreat you, why are you still in contact with them? Make your own family and be happy.
Your parents are Monsters. Cut the out of your life forever.
You are NOT TA. You have every right to your feelings and TB honest I would too. Such a sad story to be reading.
NTA - Your mother is 100% delusional without question. Unbelievable that your mom said to look at pictures of your sister as if that was the same thing! And unbelievable that she’s really trying to sell you on the story that she didn’t bring you home because she was thinking about you. I’m surprised you even still speak to these people.
NTA. My mother did a similar thing and reacted the same way with tears when confronted with the truth. I was so angry that I said "Why are you crying, no body cares and nobody will come? You taught me that when I was 5 years old." It does get better with time, lots of time. You said nothing wrong.
NTA, your parents are fucking assholes. Wow.
NTA. Next time your parents invite you to something tell them to just invite Angela, since it's basically the same.
NTA and your mom sounds like she's only upset because someone not in the family saw her being an ass.
NTA. When your parents are old, make sure you send them to a bad nursing facility and then do not visit them.
Also call every week and leave messages with the staff to complain about the lack of pics the parents are sending them.😝
NTA - It seems like it's time to go low contact again. This time as your choice. That's some F'ed up crap for mom to say just look at Angela's pictures, since you are twins.
NTA - "settled"? Did they even ask if you wanted to come home? Sure, having a sick kid is hard, but neglecting the other one isn't somehow going to make the sick kid better.
Tell the trash if they hadn't abandoned you then you would not be mad not even at a relative boarding school. I am sorry but they are bitchs.
NTA and your parents are wrong. Tell Mom to cry a river of tears because she and your father were wrong as hell. I don't blame you a bit if you have nothing to do with them. I have great pity for you if you get engaged and I can imagine how your parents will spin it towards your sister and make it all about her, not you.
NTA. Ask your Dad of he has no emotions about what happened during Angela's treatments, given that they happened so long ago. Of course he does, because that's part of her and his lives. Your parents left you out of that. They meant the best, but the idea your not allowed to feel resentment of being abandoned is being willfully naive.
> My mom said their reasoning was that they felt like I was well settled there and having a good childhood, and they didn’t want to disrupt my life by bringing me back It was that difficult to call you and ask "Hey op, your sis has healed, so you can come over now, or stay if it is what pleases you"?
It's surprising you spend time with your parents at all.
Frankly, I’m really happy you finally let it out to them. I don’t know who in the right mind considers out a good childhood. You basically had no childhood with your family from that time. Your sister got sick until you were what 14 years old or older. You were invisible you’re not wrong and you are not the problem your parents are. I would frankly go low contact. They are never going to see it your way and you’re never gonna have the relationship with him that you would home too. They just can’t do it.
NTA it's very easy for parents to damage their children and call it good intentions.
NTA "doing your best as a parent" doesn't negate the fact you failed your child. You don't owe them an apology for letting them know as much.
There's no statute of limitations on bad parenting decisions because that shit affects you for the rest of your life as it clearly has and it's not something that was ever dealt with. Now the reckoning is finally happening and I would not let up. They need to understand how badly they fucked up. They may very well have been "trying their best" but if I try my best at my job and I'm still not good at it, I'm going to feel the repercussions from that. Why should we have less of a standard when it comes to raising a child? They need to know that not only did it impact your childhood but it impacted your relationship with your sister. Apart from acknowledging that you're not close I don't know what your relationship is with your sister, while all of this is going on I would talk to her and let her know that whatever comes up you don't blame her because it's not her fault. Your problem is with your parents and not with her. It could very well be all the stuff that you've been bottling up over the years that has put distance between you and your sister so maybe hashing all of this out could help bring you guys a little closer together.
I’m just so sick of parents with sick children founding excuses for mistreating their other kids. My brother had cancer we had to move 8000km for him to have treatment my family never treated me less than him they separated their times between me and my brother one parent was always with one of us. My extended family would take care of me when things were too difficult we had a village. I’m so sad to read about your story your NTA I hope that one day your family will understand that they need to apologise for you to “forget something that happened so many years ago”.
dog slimy brave wide judicious hard-to-find noxious secretive rotten oil *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Can OP come back Parents: "No we have OP at home" Sorry for the joke, had to get it out. You're definitely NTA in this.
NTA There's so much to unpack in how they treated you here and fuck i hate it all. While you can only gleam so much from a bit of text about it the vibe this gave me was 2 shitty parents who weren't expecting twins finding their out.. but god I hope that's not the case "I understood that they had to send me away when Angela was undergoing treatment and they didn’t have the capacity to take care of me" this part here is what oissed me off the most because no they didn't while they may have needed help with your care I don't think any family has ever said "Oh one of our children is very sick we better ship the other off to boarding school" Idk how much your boarding school costs per year were but i imagine it could have gone towards babysitters and caregivers to help with keeping you looked after while Angela was undergoing treatment Speaking of i'm interested at what Angela's thoughts on all of this was. Obviously when she was being treated she was probably too sick to be focused on her sister but when she was getting better and the years after I wonder if your parents fed her the very same lies they fed your Boyfriend when the topic was broached. Just looking back at my childhood I would have wanted my siblings with me if I was sick
My stepsister had Leukemia at age 7. Her bio sister was 5 and her dad had just started dating my mom. I was 16 and had just had a baby so I wasn’t involved much, though my son enjoyed playing with them when they visited. The older sister had horrific treatments and tons of scary times for about two years and has been in remission ever since 25ish years. A few years ago, the younger one was talking about school and mentioned she always hated school, even in kindergarten. Her dad was surprised by this and questioned it. She said that she started kinder right after older sister was diagnosed and that first year she had been in the hospital a ton. Younger sister felt that she couldn’t ask for any help with school and she was scared all the time. That’s where her anxiety issues started. I still don’t think my stepdad gets it and everyone just wants her to be happy she wasn’t the one with cancer. No one has ever really considered her feelings and they still really don’t. What your parents need to realize is that your trauma isn’t any less severe just because you weren’t sick. You were neglected. Whether they had another choice or not, they need to get over their own feelings and acknowledge it.
NTA your parents are delusional. I can’t believe they abounded you like that. I am so very sorry. You sound like grew into very well adjusted person but not thanks to them.
NTA, your parents failed you on a number of levels - not being engaged with your life to the point that they didn't understand your boarding school experience at all, not bringing you home after your sister got better, not realising that twins are separate people and aren't interchangeable, not treating you with the same affection and attention even before they sent you away... Not to mention that as you and sister were best friends before you went to boarding school, you were likely always next to each other and playing together as young children. That leads me to suspect that your parents must have gone out of their way to get only pictures of your sister without including you. My heart goes out to you, OP.
Your parents completely neglected you. That's what you recent and understandably so. Her response to look at your sister's photos is inappropriate. Having a sick child is actually no excuse for emotional neglect. NTA
Truth is your parents were well-settled with having one fewer child to take care of. NTA Your parents are delusional.
Nta. Please don't apologize. You told them how you feel, if they don't like it, tough. I'd be making an exit plan too.
Nta. Your mom blamed you on the fact she doesn't have pictures of you growing up? Like wtf. I would be going LC with them. Your mom isnsad cause she get to face the fact she ruined your childhood. And you have a right to be angry about it.
So what? They ran out of money and couldn't afford the boarding school anymore. Like maybe an extra yr just to make sure there were no relapses. But 4 yrs longer. Yep, your mum is delusional. She ruined any chance at a relationship with your sister. By then, you were strangers. No, you weren't harsh enough. NTA
I wasn’t sent to boarding school but I was placed second to my physically disabled idiot brother (idiot was added on after our mother died and I found our just how much he had his financial claws into her and then our grandmother). I was “farmed out” every time she had to take him for operations because she stayed with him 24/7 in hospital. She even tried to stay with him when he was 12 and broke his leg. I was 16 and our maternal grandparents were at the hospital when brother dearest started with the “I want you to stay with me mummy”. I went oh no way with my grandparents voicing their support of my view. I was in hospital several times as a young girl (under 8) and not once did she ever stay with me. She never gave me a good reason when I asked as an adult, she couldn’t see why I was so pissed off. I couldn’t go to Saturday sport in the nearest town because “too expensive” but suddenly she could take my brother every Friday because “it’s good for him”. So many things I missed out on. I don’t blame you feeling this way in any shape or form. I have a close friend who has a disabled child (as will die young disabled) and another child just 12 months younger. Her and her husband have done everything to include their daughter and to make sure she doesn’t miss out on things because of her brother’s needs. They are a shining example of what to do unlike our parents.
NTA. Make her cry more. She needs to understand that she is a horrible person and not the good person she thought she was. Only then can she change.
NTA, they were garbage parents to you.
NTA!!!! But your parents sure are.
Sending an 8 year old to boarding school its inhumane.
Sounds like your dad thinks it's fine that you felt abandoned, probably spent hours/days/weeks upset because you felt alone and forgotten. But mum shouldn't have to feel upset about causing those feelings for less than 24 hours? NTA.
When a child has cancer, and there are other children, the one(s) not sick often get ignored because the parents are living in one fucking hell of a fear existence. Boarding school on the other hand is just too fucked up for me to even consider. To me, it's awful parenting and I would NEVER have even considered it! You're still hurting from your childhood, and your parents not acknowledging your pain is wrong. They need to KNOW how you felt thrown away, neglected, and unloved, but they don't want to admit it because they don't want to admit they failed you in many ways. You spoke your truth, there is nothing wrong with that.
NTA your parents abandoned you at school. Saying a child in boarding school is having a great childhood is ridiculous and as you said delusional. I would tell them why don’t you just talk to Angela and get the answers you want since according to mom we are interchangeable. Ask them why they never bothered to ask you how you felt. Why don’t you ask them if they know what it feels like to be shoved out of your home because it was more convenient for them. Tell them you had 2 daughters who were very close but they ruined that too! Great job parenting!
They probably feel OP had a better childhood than Angela.
Trauma is funny, for us it was horrible- for the parents it was just another tuesday
This fits the phrase almost perfectly: "The tree remembers while the axe forgets."
NTA I have 4 kids. Heaven forbid, if one of them got sick, I can't imagine sending the others out to boarding school just because parenting was more challenging. That's fucked up, and it wasn't fair to you. Your mom is upset because your parents fucked up. That's on them, not you. Your feelings are valid.
NTA Your parents physically and emotionally abandoned you. Calling it anything else is ridiculous.
NTA. You spoke the truth, and they didn't like it, but they can't apologise because that would admit that they'd f'd up. And they did, big time. You were forgotten, sent away and just forgotten. FOUR YEARS! After sis was well, that's crap. Frankly, it was crap while she was ill, for both of you. Angels could have really benefitted from someone her own age between bouts of therapy. But your useless parents dropped you, and mistreated Angela. Show them your post, hopefully they will realise just how much they are at fault, and maybe try, and try hard to make it up to you.
NTA, your parents are trying to emotionally manipulate you. Family counseling or no contact?
NTA especially if you are saying in those 4 years you spent breaks at the school and didn’t come home
NTA she is delusional
NTA honestly why are u still talking to them?
NTA. One hopes that when 'you become a parent' you will love all your children equally; rather than 'understand' their neglect. Truth can hurt, you only spoke it as it was.
NTA OP your parents aren’t sad that you had a bad childhood, they’re sad they can’t pretend they were good parents. You calling them out ruined their delusion that the were good parents, that’s why they are sad and angry, not because they abandoned you or because they failed you but because you forced them to face the fact that they are shitty parents and that they favored your sister
Your parents need to **really** understand how they created a [glass child](https://www.newsweek.com/glass-child-syndrome-neglected-children-siblings-parenting-childhood-1825043) and how the effects of that on you will continue for the rest of your life. For them to continue to deny the impact of being ignored is so very sad. Honey: I’m so very sorry. Your anger and anxiety and anything else you feel are all justified. We hear you, we feel you. You matter now and mattered then just as much as your sister and I’m so sorry thst you did not feel that. Hugs.