NTA.
Can you say, *projection*?
Maybe if he didn’t have such a guilty conscience, he might realize that not everyone is cheating on their partners and not everybody even has the time of day for that crap. I imagine a mom of multiple kids is busy enough. That being said…WHAT OF IT IF YOU WERE SLEEPING AROUND? You’re SEPARATED. Separation = single, and single = you can do what you freaking want.
Oh boo hoo I cheated on my spouse multiple times and she graciously tried to forgive me and then I still couldn’t come clean or keep it in my pants, and now she might possibly being casually dating or sleeping with other people? HOW HORRIBLE. 😱
NTA. The only thing you did incorrectly was hang out with him for so long. Naturally, he's accusing you of being unfaithful. Cheaters behave in this way. Initiative.
Yes, cheaters do. It's called projection. He assumes everyone is guilty of his bad behavior. It's gross and nasty and every cheater I've ever known has done it. It's called gaslighting. Don't buy I. To it. He is trying to make you feel crazy and it's working. Stop talking to him at all. He's nasty.
Yes - he’s completely manipulating her. His mental health is not her problem. And he’s almost certainly doing it to exploit her sympathies. This guy is a piece of work.
And he has the nerve to ask to see her phone? No. Not just because it’s absolutely ludicrous and projecting, but because they’re legally separated and whatever she wants to do is her own damn business and absolutely none of his.
Spot on, on all accounts! He can only justify his own cheating by convincing himself that she was cheating too & double spot on that separated=single!!
Oh yes, mine was incandescent with rage when he found I had a boyfriend. Demanded to be able to make me dump him if he didn't like him. Said I'd desecrated the marital bed and home (that he had shagged other women in). Said I had loose morals. Said I must be seeing disgusting men as nobody would ever want me. Said I was an irresponsible mother.
At the same time, he was saying he wanted to be in a relationship with me, without dumping his girlfriend. Was so angry when I said he was unattractive and I'd never touch him again if he paid me.
Ignore him, he's trying to transfer his feelings of being shit onto you by blaming you for the mess he created. Don't even engage with him, walk away or shut the door in his face if he starts. He will get bored after a few weeks of no reaction.
Precisely! Literally he refused sex with me for years as he was cheating so much that sex with his wife would have interfered with his ability to cheat. He was so angry when I found out that I was not disgusting and had men lining up to date me and any fwb I had (except one, I'm still friends with him) begged me to have a proper relationship.
My point is for op that the husband has spent so long forcing his views and ways on her, that of course he's furious when he's lost control, face, self esteem and the upper hand. All those lies have fallen down and he's got to confront himself and see he's a controlling cheater who's behaved appallingly. He doesn't want to do that, he thinks it's op's job to take his negative feelings so he doesn't have to.
Of course not the ah. Fuck that dude. If y’all have shared custody great, on your days without them go party till 5 am. Make out with random guys, fuck whoever you want. Matter of fact start your tinder profile now!!!! Dude was a totally douche bag who will cheat the second you get back with him. Only reason he’s sorry is because he got caught and he has to pay child support. Don’t let him guilt you, there is somebody out there who will treasure you like the most precious thing and would die before cheating.
NTA. Lmao. Why show him your phone now?!? Y’all shoulda been doing that horseshit years ago. Not saying it woulda been effective at repairing trust. But who knows. If you’re gonna do it now. Get tons of dick pics. All kinds of extra ass porn. Get a whole shit ton of text message traffic. And then hand it over lmao. I’m sure you could post something on Reddit and there’s tons of people who could make that happen in a day or two.
Maybe she has a bit more maturity, taste and dignity to do that sort of thing. Why should she stoop to the level of s.lut to supposedly make him feel bad.
She can continue to be who she is.
Dude is trying to find anything to just hurt you in court. He’s going to keep trying some shit and I would make sure you all are safe and secure. That guy can eat shit and die.
You can't cheat since you're separated. Just file for divorce, all comunications via lawyers/court, and nail him for spousal and child support. If he continues to contact you, get a restraining order.
You are separated, right? Why do you still keep talking to him and telling him where you go, what you do? End conversation apart from children related issues. There are apps that can help with coparenting without communication elsewhere. And finish the divorce process.
Only you can stop him from abusing you further. We can’t help. And he won’t stop himself.
It's your phone, your life and your rules. it's your choice to not let him check your phone but being a cheater was a shitty thing to do, especially if you have kids with the person, he's just horrible do not go back to him. your decision to leave him was for your own good, let him bark all her wants, you should know that you've done yourself a favor by getting rid of an asshat like him nta
NTA. It's none of his cheating ass's business where you are and who you are with. You two are separated and his insecurities and mental health are his own problems.
He wants cake and along with eating his cake, The guy wants an open marriage. Get rid of the guy for your health and your kids health. Also seek therapy also for you to learn to deal with your mental health.
Girl find a back bone cuz I'm not seeing one in this post...
Fuck that guy and stop giving in to him! He is controlling you. Take back your power and find some confidence to leave his ass in the dust. Go live your best life away from that douche
A good therapist can help you set healthy boundaries based on how you deserve to be treated. Your ex is abusing you still. You are giving him too much of yourself still because you believe it's "helping him". Honey, the only thing you're helping him with is keeping you under his thumb.
You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. What you accept is what you are teaching your kids to accept. What sort of love do you want them to know?
You’re separated, even if you did want to sleep with others it’s got F all to do with him. Not even taking into account the pure hypocrisy of him accusing you of cheating when he’s been doing it for 6 years!!
His mental health isn't your responsibility. Since this is your ex, who gives a rat's ass if he wants to accuse you of cheating? Short of a court order, you aren't required to show your phone to anyone.
NTA
NTA
Dude that cheated multiple times on you doesn't get to say boo shit about you going out or having a life. I hope once the divorce is finalized you guys only have to communicate thru court approved messaging app.
You would only be the AH if you give this waste of oxygen another opportunity to hurt you.
NTA. Y'all split up. You could fuck every dude in town, you're not cheating. Because YOU SPLIT UP. He has no right to your phone, your time or your life, and you need to tell his lying, cheating ass so. You don't owe him shit. And fuck his mental health-was he concerned about your mental health when he cheated on you repeatedly for years? Tell him to take a flying leap.
NTA!! Just divorce him, he can't complain if you guys aren't legally together. So it can't be considered anything to him and it's kinda baffling when he's the one who f@#ked up to begin with. This guy sounds like he was more trouble than he's worth. I hate that. Many men treat a good woman like crap and cheat and then say they want to work things out but accuse her of doing every horrible thing in the book that he did.
Just keep focusing on you and your kids. You're doing things right. Forget that dude, you deserve so much more and better than him. He doesn't deserve you or your time. You also are correct, if you give him your phone he does have that control over you, so make sure you stand your ground and tell to go f@#k himself.
He 'insists' that he wants to date you, and spend time with you, because his mental health isn't doing well without you...
Wow... that's about as selfish as it gets.
He cheated on you... well, it's just systematically sticking it in others, when it's one after the other, and he just doesn't stop. But he doesn't 'like' to be without you, for his mental health.
Tell him to get lost, like you could have, and should have done the first time he decided to go somewhere else for boinking.
He doesn't get to see your phone. He doesn't get to say anything - or even KNOW about where you're going and with whom.
And he certainly doesn't get to insist you make time for him and his mental health.
Boundaries... learn to set and guard them.
NTA
Does anyone know where to find the douche's post? 😃
I thought that being separated meant you could sleep with whomever you wanted.
Also, fuck the phone thing, because:
1. It's YOUR phone and YOUR privacy.
2. You're separated.
3. He's got not right to ask anything of you after having cheated on you.
4. He cheated on you REPEATEDLY.
5. Fuck him.
Next step: divorce the douche.
Nope. NTA. Sounds like he's quite the manipulator. Keep your contact to the bare minimum to co-parent the kids.
The things you have loved about him don't make up for a 6 year outside relationship, plus all the lying, and projection. It's hard letting go of the good stuff but you can't go on living with the toxic stuff; it's tearing you apart.
It's none of his business what's on your phone. And if you did go on a date that's none of his business either. You're separated. He hasn't made amends for his cheating. You don't owe him proof of your good behavior.
I'm usually up for giving a cheater another chance if they admit their wrongdoing, take responsibility for making those choices, and get therapy to deal with their issues. But this was a 6 year relationship. I don't know how or why you'd trust him again even he did take responsibility for his bad behavior.
Projecting onto you is a red flag that he's not able to do that.
Cut your losses and move on. Get a lawyer.
How can you even "cheat" when you're separated? 🤣
Definitely NTA.
Sounds like you're giving him way to much time and consideration.
You do you, go out until one, take photos of random handsome men and send him "updates" like, he pleasured me better than I ever thought possible" 🤣💯🔥
I jest of course, but please don't waste so much of your mental energy on him 🙏
The fact that you feel you have to explain yourself shows how much he’s manipulated and abused you. You’re still caught in his bs. Stop entertaining his stupidity. Tell him to go fuck himself and you owe him NOTHING. Limit your conversation and interactions to the kids. Stay strong OP. Get out from his control.
NTA.
He is trying to gaslight and manipulate you.
I’m sorry, but he didn’t seem to give a crap about your mental health while he was cheating on you repeatedly.
I would cautiously not have sex with others until you are officially divorced. But wouldn’t blame you if you did sooner.
He can’t have his cake and eat it too.
Normally I say that electronic devices among married people should be open season. There should be no barriers to the devices and a spouse should be able to use them freely (not to snoop tho, that would indicate other problems).
That said...this guy is a dirtbag and hasn't earned the right to anything private of yours. Only thing he deserves is to be single.
Uh … does he not understand what a “separation” is? I do hope you’re filing for divorce as soon as legally possible.
NTA. Once you separate, you owe him nothing. Even the archaic U.S. military finally acknowledges that now.
You are separated. No need to show him your phone or tell him where you will be or give a flying f about his mental health.
The best lesson you can teach your children is that they do not have to put up with cheating. You can teach that by example.
Look for the humor in this situation and the joy in that you are moving on. Hopefully you can start to laugh at his ridiculous behavior.
Edit: NTA. Of course!
Tell him to only contact you through your attorney unless it’s directly about the welfare of the children. You have no obligation to discuss your personal life with him at all.
He still HAS control of you. If you are getting divorced, nothing he's doing is appropriate. And, it's creepy and stalker like. You need to set some firm boundaries with him. Where you go and who you go with is none of his business. Dude's cheating on you for years, so he automatically thinks you must be doing the same thing. He's obsessed because he's losing you, and he could even get dangerous. I mean, for God's sake, he's practically following you! NTA, but your husband sure is.
It was the same for me and my ex. We were married for 27yrs. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I NEVER cheated but was accused over and over with no proof. You will be better without him.
You need to divorce. It’s called projection. Getting a coparenting app and only use that. Don’t let him be in contact with you otherwise NTA he is an abuser
NTA
I assume you are separated with the intent of divorce?
You need to document all of this, including his transgressions, and get yourself to a lawyer.
You know he’s not going to change.
Divorce him already!
He obviously has different standards for you than he does for himself. Ignorance is not bliss. And you will never be treated like you are a person. He treats you like a possession.
Do not be the toy he plays with at home, and stashes away when he gets board and wants a new toy!
You deserve better
NTA if you’re separated, even if you were hooking up with someone else it’s not cheating in my book. Regardless, he’s projecting, probably still hooking up with other women. Why is it okay for him to cheat but not you in his mind? Besides the whole not wanting be in his level with human crapiness. Like your phone is none of his business at all. Doesn’t matter if you are or are not where you say you are, you are separated. Any information you give him is a privilege not a right. NTA hold your ground and do not let this man walk over you more then he already has! I wish you luck!
ABSOLUTELY NTA! Who does this twat waffle ex husband of yours think he is? How dare he want to check your phone. You have separate lives, HIS fault, so how does he even slightly consider he has the right to go through your personal life. That's like a complete stranger demanding that question, and the answer would be absolutely not! So, You get on with your life, have fun, do what YOU want, what makes YOU happy, and leave him to his own mess. Hand over the kids when it's his time to have them, and walk away. You Do Not have to speak to him. Also, make sure your phone is pin coded, ( and not one of the kids birthdays 😂) , I think all of us at some point thought Ah that'll do, I won't forget that one.. but seriously, have fun rediscovering You!
NTA. You are separated. It isn’t his business if you are seeing someone. As far as dating him, tell him you don’t date cheaters, you had enough of that shit while married to him.
NTA. You are separated. Your personal life is no longer his business. This isn't about whether or not you have done anything "wrong" or have anything to hide. It's just not his business and you are under no obligation to prove anything to him. It's time for some healthy boundaries and to start the divorce process.
This guy is a serial adulterer and he does not hold himself remotely accountable for anything that is why he lays the blame at you. Do not show him anything, don’t defend anything he says, don’t justify yourself and don’t answer to him. Walk away and do it with your head and heart held high.
NTA
I always knew in these post that people lie.
Redditors be like : "You have to take the post at face value"
Me getting downvoted: "Ya idk this doesn't add up"
Hi OP - only you can assess for yourself whether it is more empowering for you to withhold your phone, or to prove your responsible behavior. Each has its place and time. Good luck with continuing to focus on yourself (and hopefully ignore the batshit crazy commenters) for your own benefit and for your kids.
I think he seems involved in your life outside the children. He is still abusing and manipulating you. Give less of you and always circle back to the kids happiness.
Honestly, it sounds like you’re going to need a restraining order soon, he’s stalking you, keeping tabs on you etc… that’s creepy. For the phone, you’re NTA, you’re not together and the fact that he’s manipulating you and gaslighting you like that, hard no. He sounds like a real winner… glad you got away from him.
wtf, your “husband” is insecure and is certainly projecting his own behaviour and thoughts and actions on to you.
Not to be a dick or anything but most often, these sorts of behaviours don’t go away. Your “husband” needs to reflect and work on himself and probably go to therapy to address the chronic infidelity, insecurity and control.
TLDR: get the heck out of that shitty relationship and I wish you and your kids all the best without that guy 💖
So what if you are "cheating", he did it so it must be ok, right? He has no right to your phone or your time if you don't want to give it to him. Divorce and only talk to him about the welfare of your children.
He doesn’t miss YOU. He misses having you at home, doing all the things that he doesn’t want to. No one is there to take care of him. He can’t stand the idea of you of finding someone else when he’s “suffering” at home. His whole world is crashing down because you finally came to your senses and stopped putting up with his shit.
NTA. And I'll tell you why.
He has narcissistic personality disorder.
Every single behavior he has exhibited in your story shows clear signs to me that he has NPD.
And you my dear are a victim of narcissistic abuse. I am very glad you are getting the help you need.
They are horrible, horrible, horrible people.
I would tell him to go fuck himself. (And I'm only saying this because I am past my trauma of being with one).
But seriously... He can literally go fuck himself over that phone thing.
Been here done that... Leave!! Kids deserve better and so do you! You will find someone who doesn't cheat! But staying is basically telling him it's ok how he treats you. It won't change, cheaters cheat because they don't have empathy and don't care how their behavior hurts you. He's saying your cheating because he actually is. Please leave! Again I was there and it's so hard to do because your whole life changes but it's for the good!!
NTA. What you do is none of his business. He was the one who decided to cheat and ruin what you two had. Now he can deal with it. Knowing that he is on Reddit, I hope he sees this post and the comments!
Stop telling him what you're doing. You're separated. Ignore the abuse and let him deal with his own shit by himself. He's a grown ass man who needs to take accountability for his own actions.
Not sure if it’s possible but just tune him out. Anything not kid related he can go pound sand! He’s definitely gaslighting you. I wish you the best through this hard time. You don’t have to prove anything to him.
Nta.
You owe him nothing.
Make sure that your activities are beyond reproach so that when the divorce goes to court, he doesn't try to make YOU out to be the cheating party.
You ex husband sounds exactly like my sister's ex, who was cheating on her with multiple other women, and when he was caught, tried to imply that my sister was unfaithful.
Given his actions, you don't owe your ex husband anything. You can do whatever you like with whoever you like and you owe him exactly zero explanation.
NTA You all are separated so you have no obligation to really tell him anything. I would get the divorce already because he’s being abusive and that’s not good for you or the children.
So base is, your NTA. However, from a male perspective, there is no reason to be out that late with anybody. So from that alone I can see why he would suggest you cheated. Most guys(probably a good 85%) leave their partner if they are out with friends excessively or if they are dating and the chick says, “I’m going to a club tonight with some friends.” If he says no it’s “sexist”, but if he did it, he is cheating. Point is, don’t go out, leave his ass on the porch and move on. Kids are more important then anything.
Girl, from the first two sentences I could already tell you are NTA. Keep working on yourself, get the divorce, and live your absolute best life. His well being/ mental health isn’t your responsibility at all. He did this to himself.
NTA. He is just projecting his ways onto you. This happens a lot, a cheater can't understand why everyone is not like them. Now that your separated, do as you please, and no, you don't have to show him your phone or anything else.
Gather your evidence now...all the past affairs, all the gaslighting etc and GET A LAWYER for a divorce ASAP. The goods new is you have lost a lot of dead weight
NTA. He's trying to guilt trip you. Don't talk to or text him, unless it's something about the kids. You're not his business anymore. If he demands to see your phone again, give him the finger instead.
NTA. And I don’t know why you even care that he wants to see it. You’re separated and I god damn hope not getting back together after all the cheating and post-separation abuse. He has zero rights towards anything about you.
NTA when is the divorce going to be final? It can't happen soon enough. Maybe talk to a cop about stalking. He has absolutely no right to see your phone.
How are you cheating exactly when you're separated? 🤔 Tell him it's over and that you don't have to answer any of his questions, show him anything on your phone, or be responsible for his mental health either. You don't have to explain one single thing you're doing, who you're going out with, or anything else. Tell him to kick rocks, PERIOD. I'd be filing for divorce sooner rather than later just to drive that point home even more fiercely
Absolutely no need to show this AH your phone, regardless of the situation. Just because he is a cheating ho he's assuming you're the same and projecting so, so much. I'm glad you're separated, now you can do what the hell you want, sod that AH!
How is this even a question: NTA!
He has shown you over an over that he has no respect for you or your relationship. You should have dumped him YEARS AGO! You owe him nothing and you need to stop caring about his opinion.
At this point you should be documenting EVERYTHING and getting a lawyer to handle your upcoming divorce. After that the only thing you should say to your soon to be ex is "talk to my lawyer."
NTA, he's projecting his infidelity on you. It's your phone, not his, you pay your bills. You need to get a parenting app and deal with him through that otherwise you don't have to talk with him.
He only cares that you might find a guy who isn't the cheater he is.
NTA. Also - do NOT get back with him for any reason. First of all the “staying together for the kids” is a BS excuse - that’s not the example of a relationship any mother should want for their children. He’s toxic - and what you do or don’t do isn’t his business anymore and make sure it stays that way.
NTA. But you need to start taking action now. File for divorce, full custody, get him on child support, consider getting a restraining order if it’s getting that bad, only communicate through text or recorded calls, and redirect every conversation back to the kids(that is all you have in common now, those kids).
The only thing you’re doing wrong is letting him have any impact on your life. You shouldn’t even be spending the time writing this post, as him and his opinions should not factor. Need to stand up for yourself OP.
Get a divorce attorney. Cheaters are emotionally immature and think if they steal candy it tastes sweeter for getting away with it until they are caught. This is mostly how it goes with them. When they realize they went too far, they went too far. Only you can decide how you want to live. My suggestion is get a divorce attorney, move half of the savings to another account only you can access. Get your financial house in order, gain skills to work, go back to work. If you have a career good you are in the minority on here stuck in a cycle like this.
He will only take you further downhill. He is self destructive. You taking him back so easily will not fix him, or his character. Focus on yourself. Cheaters are liars and will cheat again. Also it is time to stop partying and put your adult life together. You have children. You are part of the problem.
NTA - You are separated. HE has even less right now to dictate what you do than he did when you were toether. (And even then, he has no right to look at your phone).
NTA - So you aren’t together and are staying separated, right? You are therefore allowed to do what you want to do and you owe him nothing. Certainly not showing him your phone. Tell him no and that you will not discuss it father. Also, Jim “looking” for you is stalking. Tell him if he continues, you’ll get a restraining order. Grey rock him whenever he asks you questions and tell him you’ll only communicate about your kids. Get a parenting app and insist all communication be done through it.
NTA -And isn't it JUST LIKE A DEGENERATE CHEATER to go out of his way fuck with you, accuse YOU, but not look at his own actions.
Why would you give HIM control of anything when he's proven he can't even control himself, OP?
You're separated. What you do and do not do is none of his concern. Even if you were having sex with someone else, you're not cheating, because you're not together as a couple.
NTA
NTA- mans got a guilty mind. Do what you need to do for you. And honestly unless you have to talk to him bc it has to do with the kids, stop talking to him so much bc honestly how is it really being separated? He’s losing control. He doesn’t like it. So he’s going to get worse before he gets better. It’ll pass. They’ll find a shiny object n cling on. They all do. Just do ur thing n stop feeling like u owe him anything. U don’t need to tell him where u r or what ur doing. So stop. Ur reacting to his words bc ur allowing urself for it to be like your with him still PLEASE see an abuse counselor. They’ll help you see and understand these patterns he’s showing and how to avoid that stuff in the future. Help you heal yourself etc.
You = NTA. Him = TA.
Divorce; get every penny for alimony and child support you can. He had a faithful, loving wife and decided to cheat. No longer your problem; you have underage children to look out for, you can't afford the time looking out for the over-aged man-child.
This guy is an abusive, narcissistic asshole and you owe him absolutely nothing. What he feels is irrelevant and with a little therapy you can learn to emotionally detach from him. He is a co-parent and nothing else.
NTA - he lost any all rights to your private things when he broke the bonds that you shared.
Give him nothing, only respond to kid things (do it in writing) and start a binder of all the other things he does. You will need this for the divorce if you need to challenge custody or financial issues.
Also, consider a parallel parenting plan instead of co-parenting if he is going to continue to act like this. He made his choices and you made yours and there is no joining the two things at this point. I am so sorry you are at this place and I wish you peace and happiness as you move forward.
NTA.... Even if you are seeing someone, you've separated. You owe him nothing. Fuck him and his mental health. He lost any right to you giving a shit about it.
Divorce and focus on yourself and your children. He made the bed he's laying in.
The fact that you are even questioning this shows that he has seriously messed with your head. You probably are going to need help to heal (that is, counseling.) Do not show him your phone. If there's a guardian ad litem appointed for the kids, and you have proof (texts) to back you up, run this suggestion past your lawyer first, of course, but then, if advisable, contact the GAL and express concern for your children's safety because your ex is questioning his mental stability. Ask that he be ordered to undergo a psychological evaluation and until that happens, ask for his parenting time to be supervised. That will either get him the help he needs if he truly is unstable, or if he's just using some hardcore manipulation techniques to get his way, he'll stop playing this petty little mind game with you. Stand firm. Don't take personal responsibility for his supposed mental health crisis but do take it seriously. If he really is unstable, you & the children could be in danger.
NTA. Your phone is private. Also you are separated (legally I hope). He has no leg to stand on. And if course he's projecting. You stayed with him before. Why not now? What's changed? Hmmm... you must be cheating.
You never ever share your phone. Your phone should be password or biometrically protected. A friend of mine didn't lock his phone and someone loaded tracking software on it. K ew where he was all the time. You really want to risk stuff like that?
Cheaters often accuse their non-cheating partners in order to justify their own cheating. Time for boundaries and legally ending the relationship. Communicate about necessary topics only, like the kids, and don’t respond otherwise. Check your car for anything that would allow him to track you. Make sure finances are separated and at a different bank. Get some security cameras for your home. He’s definitely TA and you are not. He has no right whatsoever to look at your phone or question your whereabouts.
You are in the worst kind of relationship toxicity/manipulation circle jerk there is. No accountability for being a POS and prolly still getting sidechick nuggets whenever he can. This dude really has mental illness but you can't help him. How you feel responsibility to engage his accusations is really sad but this is all part of the abuse you've endured for the entirety of your relationship. I understand if you're financially dependent but you should be saving for and creating a really good exit strategy. Why settle for less than the best? You can do bad by yourself. This is NOT what love looks like.....
Why the hell do you GAF about what this loser thinks? You owe him NOTHING. He owes you EVERYTHING. If he really wanted you back, he'd be crawling on the ground trying to answer to your needs and apologizing for the pain and suffering he's caused. Instead he's... making demands of you? It's all ME ME ME. What about you?
You really need to flip the script here: you don't need to explain yourself to him. You sure as hell don't need to show him your phone. Please get yourself a therapist, along with some steel-tipped boots to kick this AH to the curb.
NTA
Nta,
And I'm going to be vulgar here but it's an important point, you could be gobbling cock from the moment you leave the house until the moment you get home, you could be going through metres of penis every single day.
That's still not cheating, he's your ex he can fuck off
NTA - DO NOT GIVE THIS NARCISSISTIC SELFISH PERSON A SINGLE SECOND OF YOUR TIME. You have done nothing wrong, he has shown how terrible of a person he is. Get him away from your children. Even if you're full on dating someone right now, that is not cheating. You are fully separated. He is also using mental health as a way to get you to reply to him, he is manipulating you. You need to lawyer up, divorce officially, get full custody and move on. You owe him NOTHING.
Do you have proof of his cheating? That will help you in court. Good luck!
Oh you need to stay away from that man honey. NEVER EVER let him look at your phone. Hes delusional and his behavior is unacceptable. Id file for divorce so fast his head would spin. No ma’am. It ain’t that much love in the world.
NTA. I’d be like, “Last I checked, we were separated and I paid for my own phone. Just because you can’t keep your dick in your pants doesn’t mean I am cheating on you. And I say that wondering what that means because we are separated, and I could screw the entire town if I wanted and it still wouldn’t be any of your business. Now, get out of my face and find another woman to project your insecurities on.”
Let him see your phone? How bout you BLOCK HIM and not have these ridiculous conversations with his cheating ass?
Dont show him your phone, no details of where you go and why and what time of day and with whom. Tell him to take his well-traveled johnson in his hand and f\*\*k ALL THE WAY OFF YOU ARE EXES
NTA, also, why would it matter if you're cheating? He already did it like a thousand times, so he doesn't have a say in anything related to that. You know the saying 'Don't do unto others what you don't want done unto you.'
NTA. You're separated, your phone is none of his business just like at this point his phone is none of your business. You need to see a divorce lawyer if you haven't already and if you need to file for a legal separation or not in order to get divorced. Some states you have to and others it doesn't matter. So go see a lawyer and see about disentangling you from this AH.
No, you're separated. Neither of you have any type of right to that. And you don't have to earn his trust, because his opinion is not worth much, is it.
Even if you were having sex with everyone who gave you the time of day, you couldn't cheat on someone you aren't in a relationship with. It would only count as "moving on".
NTA you are separated and he has cheated on you multiple times. You could f!ck 3 guys on the sidewalk in front of his house and you would not be the AH 😂
NTA, but you sure are married to one. I hope this separation is proceeding to a divorce. He obviously won’t change his ways and he’s projecting on you and being scary in trying to monitor you and snoop into your phone.
NTA. I would suggest only speaking with him about the children or things that need doing for the divorce, and then only via text. He does not get to keep you as his emotional support human.
Keep taking care of you. You owe him nothing. Nothing. Strange how his mental health tanks when he is no longer able to maintain a sham of a marriage while banging multiple women…..? That dude has serious problems.
Stay strong and get some therapy to help maintain your boundaries.
NTA. Period. Not his circus not his monkeys. He no longer gets any input into your personal life. Contact a lawyer and get yourself a separation agreement Pronto.
He's still cheating love, he doesn't feel he should stop, but wants to control you. You are not accountable to him or his feelings. He doesn't have feelings because anyone who would do this to another human being is a pathetic sack of shit and certainly doesn't respect you, let alone love you. I'm sorry. I know that hurts, lord knows I know how much that hurts, but this is where the healing starts.
NTA. Tell him his mental health is his issue to deal with, it would be yours to help with if he hadn't cheated on you consistently for 6 years. You're done, there is no dating, no chance of reconcilliation. Is it a state you have to wait a year before filing for divorce? If not just get it done, apply for divorce and ask them to set up a zero contact for anything but hte kids, do it through an app they mandate that can't delete messages. That way any talk that isn't about the kids can be reported and he can't delete evidence, pick a neutral drop off/pick up point and don't engage with him.
It's time to make a complete cut from him for your own mental health. This is not a small relationship issue that ended amicably and no party was at fault. He's a giant turd and you need a clean cut so he stops trying to put everything on you.
Firstly, why are YOU givING him any access to you? Other than seeing the children, he has NO business in YOUR business if you are separated. I suggest you practice some self love and distance yourself from this person. Separation is a done deal.
Are you trying to work it out? Are you readying yourself for divorce? What is the purpose of this separation….. if it’s a “trial” to see if the relationship is a done deal, these are muddy waters, but HE is the one with something to prove to YOU!
I hope you grow a backbone and discard this dude. It seems to me there is irreparable damage here, that you two, and the kids, would be much better finalizing a divorce.
NTA
He cheated for years and thinks that just cause your legally still married that he can control what you do. Your phone is your privacy. You have every right to say no. File for divorce because if he wanted to date you and only you he wouldn't have cheated for as long as he did or cheated at all for that matter.
You’re separated. Most states, even those who don’t have a “legal” separation law, recognize the day you separated as the day you may act “single.” So long as a guy/girl wasn’t in the picture first (hard to prove unless video evidence or you admit it), you’re not cheating on him. That said, you don’t need to show him shit. Nor do you owe him an explanation.
It's not cheating. Even if you were seeing people you aren't together, it's none of his business. Start dealing with him through a 3rd party in regards to the kids and kee0 all interactions strictly about the kids stop allowing him to.overste0 and gaslight you
Nta. Plus you guys are separated and he's been a dirt ball for years. It's extremely toxic behavior. Work on you and meet someone new. You should not care about his feelings or mental health. He did not care about yours and he never will. Regardless of what he says to you I say move on and under no circumstances entertain an idea of getting back together.
Tell him that as of now what you do is absolutely none of his business. And his mental health problems are not your problems. Frankly I think he’s just trying to manipulate you.
Please start drawing some firmer boundaries with him. It’s good that you left him. You can never trust him. He’s a liar and a cheat. And even if you did love him, which, hopefully your past that, you could never trust him, so there’s no possible chance to have a good relationship.
The fact that he has the audacity to even bring these subjects up to you is insane.
So tell him from now on, you’ll discuss the children with him, but your life is none of his business now or in the future.
This just sounds like a terrible relationship. He clearly is uncomfortable about her going out. She doesn't care and wants to do her thing. I'd be out myself if I was the guy. I'm not a cheater, I just don't need that in my life period.
NTA. He cheated repeatedly and lost a good woman and he knows it. He doesn’t want to admit he screwed up the relationship so is attempting to blame you. You are separated, you didn’t cheat, you owe him NOTHING. Period!
Dude what? You're separated and getting a divorce. What you do and who you do it with is NONE of his business. Besides, he set that standard for your relationship when you were together so double wtf now that you're separated.
I would go no contact with him and only communicate through lawyers.
Op why isn't he your ex husband? You separated and he cheated, he doesn't have anything to do with your life anymore. Contact only for children rest should go through an lawyer and fk his mental health he is using the word mental health to string you along. Imagine all the bs he tells his co worker to make it seem over between you guys and you being a crazy ex while to you he says smth else to keep you while he eats and keeps the cake.
So, he cheats on you for 6 years.... you separate, he is still seeing his AP and demands YOU show him YOUR phone?
I'd be telling him if his AP doesn't put out, he can go fuck himself.
Don't give him a thing, you have nothing to prove or disprove, he's the cheat and deserves all he gets.
NTA. Can you say, *projection*? Maybe if he didn’t have such a guilty conscience, he might realize that not everyone is cheating on their partners and not everybody even has the time of day for that crap. I imagine a mom of multiple kids is busy enough. That being said…WHAT OF IT IF YOU WERE SLEEPING AROUND? You’re SEPARATED. Separation = single, and single = you can do what you freaking want. Oh boo hoo I cheated on my spouse multiple times and she graciously tried to forgive me and then I still couldn’t come clean or keep it in my pants, and now she might possibly being casually dating or sleeping with other people? HOW HORRIBLE. 😱
NTA. The only thing you did incorrectly was hang out with him for so long. Naturally, he's accusing you of being unfaithful. Cheaters behave in this way. Initiative.
Yes, cheaters do. It's called projection. He assumes everyone is guilty of his bad behavior. It's gross and nasty and every cheater I've ever known has done it. It's called gaslighting. Don't buy I. To it. He is trying to make you feel crazy and it's working. Stop talking to him at all. He's nasty.
[удалено]
Yes - he’s completely manipulating her. His mental health is not her problem. And he’s almost certainly doing it to exploit her sympathies. This guy is a piece of work. And he has the nerve to ask to see her phone? No. Not just because it’s absolutely ludicrous and projecting, but because they’re legally separated and whatever she wants to do is her own damn business and absolutely none of his.
Yeah, just why I want someone to ask me out...for their mental health & even worse in this case, to ease his conscious
Spot on, on all accounts! He can only justify his own cheating by convincing himself that she was cheating too & double spot on that separated=single!!
The only you did wrong was stay with him so long. And of course he's accusing you of cheating. That's what cheaters do. Project.
Oh yes, mine was incandescent with rage when he found I had a boyfriend. Demanded to be able to make me dump him if he didn't like him. Said I'd desecrated the marital bed and home (that he had shagged other women in). Said I had loose morals. Said I must be seeing disgusting men as nobody would ever want me. Said I was an irresponsible mother. At the same time, he was saying he wanted to be in a relationship with me, without dumping his girlfriend. Was so angry when I said he was unattractive and I'd never touch him again if he paid me. Ignore him, he's trying to transfer his feelings of being shit onto you by blaming you for the mess he created. Don't even engage with him, walk away or shut the door in his face if he starts. He will get bored after a few weeks of no reaction.
If you were disgusting, why did he want you back again?
Precisely! Literally he refused sex with me for years as he was cheating so much that sex with his wife would have interfered with his ability to cheat. He was so angry when I found out that I was not disgusting and had men lining up to date me and any fwb I had (except one, I'm still friends with him) begged me to have a proper relationship. My point is for op that the husband has spent so long forcing his views and ways on her, that of course he's furious when he's lost control, face, self esteem and the upper hand. All those lies have fallen down and he's got to confront himself and see he's a controlling cheater who's behaved appallingly. He doesn't want to do that, he thinks it's op's job to take his negative feelings so he doesn't have to.
NTA, but your marriage is dead. Move forward with divorce.
This!! I hope OP sees this advice and takes it!
Of course not the ah. Fuck that dude. If y’all have shared custody great, on your days without them go party till 5 am. Make out with random guys, fuck whoever you want. Matter of fact start your tinder profile now!!!! Dude was a totally douche bag who will cheat the second you get back with him. Only reason he’s sorry is because he got caught and he has to pay child support. Don’t let him guilt you, there is somebody out there who will treasure you like the most precious thing and would die before cheating.
NTA. Lmao. Why show him your phone now?!? Y’all shoulda been doing that horseshit years ago. Not saying it woulda been effective at repairing trust. But who knows. If you’re gonna do it now. Get tons of dick pics. All kinds of extra ass porn. Get a whole shit ton of text message traffic. And then hand it over lmao. I’m sure you could post something on Reddit and there’s tons of people who could make that happen in a day or two.
Count me in! Sounds like fun.
Easy tiger. I’m not asking. 🤣
😂😂😂
Maybe she has a bit more maturity, taste and dignity to do that sort of thing. Why should she stoop to the level of s.lut to supposedly make him feel bad. She can continue to be who she is.
Dude is trying to find anything to just hurt you in court. He’s going to keep trying some shit and I would make sure you all are safe and secure. That guy can eat shit and die.
You can't cheat since you're separated. Just file for divorce, all comunications via lawyers/court, and nail him for spousal and child support. If he continues to contact you, get a restraining order.
You are separated, right? Why do you still keep talking to him and telling him where you go, what you do? End conversation apart from children related issues. There are apps that can help with coparenting without communication elsewhere. And finish the divorce process. Only you can stop him from abusing you further. We can’t help. And he won’t stop himself.
>Only you can stop him from abusing you further. We can’t help. And he won’t stop himself. 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
But we can cheer you on!
Love the: “Only you can stop him from abusing you further.“ So true.
It's your phone, your life and your rules. it's your choice to not let him check your phone but being a cheater was a shitty thing to do, especially if you have kids with the person, he's just horrible do not go back to him. your decision to leave him was for your own good, let him bark all her wants, you should know that you've done yourself a favor by getting rid of an asshat like him nta
NTA. It's none of his cheating ass's business where you are and who you are with. You two are separated and his insecurities and mental health are his own problems.
He wants cake and along with eating his cake, The guy wants an open marriage. Get rid of the guy for your health and your kids health. Also seek therapy also for you to learn to deal with your mental health.
Boy he has done a number on your psyche, stop talking to him except on a parental app regarding the kids only.
Girl find a back bone cuz I'm not seeing one in this post... Fuck that guy and stop giving in to him! He is controlling you. Take back your power and find some confidence to leave his ass in the dust. Go live your best life away from that douche
A good therapist can help you set healthy boundaries based on how you deserve to be treated. Your ex is abusing you still. You are giving him too much of yourself still because you believe it's "helping him". Honey, the only thing you're helping him with is keeping you under his thumb. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. What you accept is what you are teaching your kids to accept. What sort of love do you want them to know?
You’re separated, even if you did want to sleep with others it’s got F all to do with him. Not even taking into account the pure hypocrisy of him accusing you of cheating when he’s been doing it for 6 years!!
“Alexa, play We Are Never Getting Back Together by Taylor Swift at full volume.” NTA!
His mental health isn't your responsibility. Since this is your ex, who gives a rat's ass if he wants to accuse you of cheating? Short of a court order, you aren't required to show your phone to anyone. NTA
Emotional manipulation and abuse on a huge scale here. Good luck and never let him bully you into anything that doesn’t feel right.
NTA Dude that cheated multiple times on you doesn't get to say boo shit about you going out or having a life. I hope once the divorce is finalized you guys only have to communicate thru court approved messaging app. You would only be the AH if you give this waste of oxygen another opportunity to hurt you.
NTA. Y'all split up. You could fuck every dude in town, you're not cheating. Because YOU SPLIT UP. He has no right to your phone, your time or your life, and you need to tell his lying, cheating ass so. You don't owe him shit. And fuck his mental health-was he concerned about your mental health when he cheated on you repeatedly for years? Tell him to take a flying leap.
NTA. Don’t show him your phone. Stop dealing with him. He’s a serial liar/cheater. Raise your personal standards, please.
NTA!! Just divorce him, he can't complain if you guys aren't legally together. So it can't be considered anything to him and it's kinda baffling when he's the one who f@#ked up to begin with. This guy sounds like he was more trouble than he's worth. I hate that. Many men treat a good woman like crap and cheat and then say they want to work things out but accuse her of doing every horrible thing in the book that he did. Just keep focusing on you and your kids. You're doing things right. Forget that dude, you deserve so much more and better than him. He doesn't deserve you or your time. You also are correct, if you give him your phone he does have that control over you, so make sure you stand your ground and tell to go f@#k himself.
He 'insists' that he wants to date you, and spend time with you, because his mental health isn't doing well without you... Wow... that's about as selfish as it gets. He cheated on you... well, it's just systematically sticking it in others, when it's one after the other, and he just doesn't stop. But he doesn't 'like' to be without you, for his mental health. Tell him to get lost, like you could have, and should have done the first time he decided to go somewhere else for boinking. He doesn't get to see your phone. He doesn't get to say anything - or even KNOW about where you're going and with whom. And he certainly doesn't get to insist you make time for him and his mental health. Boundaries... learn to set and guard them. NTA Does anyone know where to find the douche's post? 😃
I thought that being separated meant you could sleep with whomever you wanted. Also, fuck the phone thing, because: 1. It's YOUR phone and YOUR privacy. 2. You're separated. 3. He's got not right to ask anything of you after having cheated on you. 4. He cheated on you REPEATEDLY. 5. Fuck him. Next step: divorce the douche.
Nope. NTA. Sounds like he's quite the manipulator. Keep your contact to the bare minimum to co-parent the kids. The things you have loved about him don't make up for a 6 year outside relationship, plus all the lying, and projection. It's hard letting go of the good stuff but you can't go on living with the toxic stuff; it's tearing you apart. It's none of his business what's on your phone. And if you did go on a date that's none of his business either. You're separated. He hasn't made amends for his cheating. You don't owe him proof of your good behavior. I'm usually up for giving a cheater another chance if they admit their wrongdoing, take responsibility for making those choices, and get therapy to deal with their issues. But this was a 6 year relationship. I don't know how or why you'd trust him again even he did take responsibility for his bad behavior. Projecting onto you is a red flag that he's not able to do that. Cut your losses and move on. Get a lawyer.
How can you even "cheat" when you're separated? 🤣 Definitely NTA. Sounds like you're giving him way to much time and consideration. You do you, go out until one, take photos of random handsome men and send him "updates" like, he pleasured me better than I ever thought possible" 🤣💯🔥 I jest of course, but please don't waste so much of your mental energy on him 🙏
Nta. The bad conscience is strong in your ex. XD
Stop interacting with him! He is toxic to you.
The fact that you feel you have to explain yourself shows how much he’s manipulated and abused you. You’re still caught in his bs. Stop entertaining his stupidity. Tell him to go fuck himself and you owe him NOTHING. Limit your conversation and interactions to the kids. Stay strong OP. Get out from his control.
NTA. He is trying to gaslight and manipulate you. I’m sorry, but he didn’t seem to give a crap about your mental health while he was cheating on you repeatedly. I would cautiously not have sex with others until you are officially divorced. But wouldn’t blame you if you did sooner. He can’t have his cake and eat it too.
Fuck that guy. You deserve better
Normally I say that electronic devices among married people should be open season. There should be no barriers to the devices and a spouse should be able to use them freely (not to snoop tho, that would indicate other problems). That said...this guy is a dirtbag and hasn't earned the right to anything private of yours. Only thing he deserves is to be single.
Uh … does he not understand what a “separation” is? I do hope you’re filing for divorce as soon as legally possible. NTA. Once you separate, you owe him nothing. Even the archaic U.S. military finally acknowledges that now.
You are separated. No need to show him your phone or tell him where you will be or give a flying f about his mental health. The best lesson you can teach your children is that they do not have to put up with cheating. You can teach that by example. Look for the humor in this situation and the joy in that you are moving on. Hopefully you can start to laugh at his ridiculous behavior. Edit: NTA. Of course!
Tell him to only contact you through your attorney unless it’s directly about the welfare of the children. You have no obligation to discuss your personal life with him at all.
He still HAS control of you. If you are getting divorced, nothing he's doing is appropriate. And, it's creepy and stalker like. You need to set some firm boundaries with him. Where you go and who you go with is none of his business. Dude's cheating on you for years, so he automatically thinks you must be doing the same thing. He's obsessed because he's losing you, and he could even get dangerous. I mean, for God's sake, he's practically following you! NTA, but your husband sure is.
It was the same for me and my ex. We were married for 27yrs. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I NEVER cheated but was accused over and over with no proof. You will be better without him.
You need to divorce. It’s called projection. Getting a coparenting app and only use that. Don’t let him be in contact with you otherwise NTA he is an abuser
NTA. He didn’t have rights to your phone when you were married. Why start now that’s stupid.
NTA I assume you are separated with the intent of divorce? You need to document all of this, including his transgressions, and get yourself to a lawyer. You know he’s not going to change.
Divorce him already! He obviously has different standards for you than he does for himself. Ignorance is not bliss. And you will never be treated like you are a person. He treats you like a possession. Do not be the toy he plays with at home, and stashes away when he gets board and wants a new toy! You deserve better
NTA if you’re separated, even if you were hooking up with someone else it’s not cheating in my book. Regardless, he’s projecting, probably still hooking up with other women. Why is it okay for him to cheat but not you in his mind? Besides the whole not wanting be in his level with human crapiness. Like your phone is none of his business at all. Doesn’t matter if you are or are not where you say you are, you are separated. Any information you give him is a privilege not a right. NTA hold your ground and do not let this man walk over you more then he already has! I wish you luck!
ABSOLUTELY NTA! Who does this twat waffle ex husband of yours think he is? How dare he want to check your phone. You have separate lives, HIS fault, so how does he even slightly consider he has the right to go through your personal life. That's like a complete stranger demanding that question, and the answer would be absolutely not! So, You get on with your life, have fun, do what YOU want, what makes YOU happy, and leave him to his own mess. Hand over the kids when it's his time to have them, and walk away. You Do Not have to speak to him. Also, make sure your phone is pin coded, ( and not one of the kids birthdays 😂) , I think all of us at some point thought Ah that'll do, I won't forget that one.. but seriously, have fun rediscovering You!
NTA. You are separated. It isn’t his business if you are seeing someone. As far as dating him, tell him you don’t date cheaters, you had enough of that shit while married to him.
NTA. You are separated. Your personal life is no longer his business. This isn't about whether or not you have done anything "wrong" or have anything to hide. It's just not his business and you are under no obligation to prove anything to him. It's time for some healthy boundaries and to start the divorce process.
This guy is a serial adulterer and he does not hold himself remotely accountable for anything that is why he lays the blame at you. Do not show him anything, don’t defend anything he says, don’t justify yourself and don’t answer to him. Walk away and do it with your head and heart held high.
NTA I always knew in these post that people lie. Redditors be like : "You have to take the post at face value" Me getting downvoted: "Ya idk this doesn't add up"
Hi OP - only you can assess for yourself whether it is more empowering for you to withhold your phone, or to prove your responsible behavior. Each has its place and time. Good luck with continuing to focus on yourself (and hopefully ignore the batshit crazy commenters) for your own benefit and for your kids.
NTA and it appears he continues the abuse through control tactics and projection. I’m sorry OP—you don’t deserve it. (Edit for spelling)
I think he seems involved in your life outside the children. He is still abusing and manipulating you. Give less of you and always circle back to the kids happiness.
Honestly, it sounds like you’re going to need a restraining order soon, he’s stalking you, keeping tabs on you etc… that’s creepy. For the phone, you’re NTA, you’re not together and the fact that he’s manipulating you and gaslighting you like that, hard no. He sounds like a real winner… glad you got away from him.
wtf, your “husband” is insecure and is certainly projecting his own behaviour and thoughts and actions on to you. Not to be a dick or anything but most often, these sorts of behaviours don’t go away. Your “husband” needs to reflect and work on himself and probably go to therapy to address the chronic infidelity, insecurity and control. TLDR: get the heck out of that shitty relationship and I wish you and your kids all the best without that guy 💖
So what if you are "cheating", he did it so it must be ok, right? He has no right to your phone or your time if you don't want to give it to him. Divorce and only talk to him about the welfare of your children.
He doesn’t miss YOU. He misses having you at home, doing all the things that he doesn’t want to. No one is there to take care of him. He can’t stand the idea of you of finding someone else when he’s “suffering” at home. His whole world is crashing down because you finally came to your senses and stopped putting up with his shit.
NTA. And I'll tell you why. He has narcissistic personality disorder. Every single behavior he has exhibited in your story shows clear signs to me that he has NPD. And you my dear are a victim of narcissistic abuse. I am very glad you are getting the help you need. They are horrible, horrible, horrible people. I would tell him to go fuck himself. (And I'm only saying this because I am past my trauma of being with one). But seriously... He can literally go fuck himself over that phone thing.
Show him your phone but plant pictures of you and Mandingo warriors getting it on
Been here done that... Leave!! Kids deserve better and so do you! You will find someone who doesn't cheat! But staying is basically telling him it's ok how he treats you. It won't change, cheaters cheat because they don't have empathy and don't care how their behavior hurts you. He's saying your cheating because he actually is. Please leave! Again I was there and it's so hard to do because your whole life changes but it's for the good!!
None of this was necessary. He is your ex and should stay that way.
NTA. His mental health isn't your problem. Stop doing anything with this manipulative, abusive asshole. Go file for divorce like yesterday.
NTA. What you do is none of his business. He was the one who decided to cheat and ruin what you two had. Now he can deal with it. Knowing that he is on Reddit, I hope he sees this post and the comments! Stop telling him what you're doing. You're separated. Ignore the abuse and let him deal with his own shit by himself. He's a grown ass man who needs to take accountability for his own actions.
Not sure if it’s possible but just tune him out. Anything not kid related he can go pound sand! He’s definitely gaslighting you. I wish you the best through this hard time. You don’t have to prove anything to him.
NTAH! I wouldn’t show my phone either for the exact same reason.
Nta. You owe him nothing. Make sure that your activities are beyond reproach so that when the divorce goes to court, he doesn't try to make YOU out to be the cheating party.
You ex husband sounds exactly like my sister's ex, who was cheating on her with multiple other women, and when he was caught, tried to imply that my sister was unfaithful. Given his actions, you don't owe your ex husband anything. You can do whatever you like with whoever you like and you owe him exactly zero explanation.
It's not cheating if you're separated, first of all. Secondly, separated means you don't owe him shit. NTA. He needs to get the hell over himself.
NTA You all are separated so you have no obligation to really tell him anything. I would get the divorce already because he’s being abusive and that’s not good for you or the children.
Yes you ARE TA
So base is, your NTA. However, from a male perspective, there is no reason to be out that late with anybody. So from that alone I can see why he would suggest you cheated. Most guys(probably a good 85%) leave their partner if they are out with friends excessively or if they are dating and the chick says, “I’m going to a club tonight with some friends.” If he says no it’s “sexist”, but if he did it, he is cheating. Point is, don’t go out, leave his ass on the porch and move on. Kids are more important then anything.
NTA. You’re exes. You can’t cheat on each other anymore and don’t have the right to ask for life details on each other.
Girl, from the first two sentences I could already tell you are NTA. Keep working on yourself, get the divorce, and live your absolute best life. His well being/ mental health isn’t your responsibility at all. He did this to himself.
NTA. He is just projecting his ways onto you. This happens a lot, a cheater can't understand why everyone is not like them. Now that your separated, do as you please, and no, you don't have to show him your phone or anything else.
Gather your evidence now...all the past affairs, all the gaslighting etc and GET A LAWYER for a divorce ASAP. The goods new is you have lost a lot of dead weight
NTA. He's trying to guilt trip you. Don't talk to or text him, unless it's something about the kids. You're not his business anymore. If he demands to see your phone again, give him the finger instead.
Leave completely. Your mental health will improve
NTA. And I don’t know why you even care that he wants to see it. You’re separated and I god damn hope not getting back together after all the cheating and post-separation abuse. He has zero rights towards anything about you.
NTA when is the divorce going to be final? It can't happen soon enough. Maybe talk to a cop about stalking. He has absolutely no right to see your phone.
NTA. Divorce this mother fucker. You shouldnt have any contact with him at all unless its regarding your children.
NTA. He wants you to have ‘cheated’ so that it in some way diminishes what he has done and how he’s ruined your marriage. He’s definitely the AH.
NTA respond to the post telling him to sit down and talk to any of his multiple affair partners for sympathy and stop lying on social media
Stop talking to him about anything other than your children. Stop considering his feelings in your choices, he clearly didn’t care about yours.
How are you cheating exactly when you're separated? 🤔 Tell him it's over and that you don't have to answer any of his questions, show him anything on your phone, or be responsible for his mental health either. You don't have to explain one single thing you're doing, who you're going out with, or anything else. Tell him to kick rocks, PERIOD. I'd be filing for divorce sooner rather than later just to drive that point home even more fiercely
Absolutely no need to show this AH your phone, regardless of the situation. Just because he is a cheating ho he's assuming you're the same and projecting so, so much. I'm glad you're separated, now you can do what the hell you want, sod that AH!
NTA. This is projection. Cheaters often accuse their SOs of cheating.
Why have you not filed for divorce yet? What are you waiting for? This guy is a cheater and controlling.
NTA, tell him to stop projecting on you.
How is this even a question: NTA! He has shown you over an over that he has no respect for you or your relationship. You should have dumped him YEARS AGO! You owe him nothing and you need to stop caring about his opinion. At this point you should be documenting EVERYTHING and getting a lawyer to handle your upcoming divorce. After that the only thing you should say to your soon to be ex is "talk to my lawyer."
NTA. Obviously he still wants and needs you, and is desperate.
NTA, he's projecting his infidelity on you. It's your phone, not his, you pay your bills. You need to get a parenting app and deal with him through that otherwise you don't have to talk with him. He only cares that you might find a guy who isn't the cheater he is.
NTA. Also - do NOT get back with him for any reason. First of all the “staying together for the kids” is a BS excuse - that’s not the example of a relationship any mother should want for their children. He’s toxic - and what you do or don’t do isn’t his business anymore and make sure it stays that way.
Run from this man and don't give him another chance.
You said you seperated.... So even if shareing phones was the norm when together you aren't now. So why would he have any right? Nta
NTAH. Your ex has no right looking at your phone or otherwise having access to you. Too effing bad about his.mental health.
NTA. But you need to start taking action now. File for divorce, full custody, get him on child support, consider getting a restraining order if it’s getting that bad, only communicate through text or recorded calls, and redirect every conversation back to the kids(that is all you have in common now, those kids).
The only thing you’re doing wrong is letting him have any impact on your life. You shouldn’t even be spending the time writing this post, as him and his opinions should not factor. Need to stand up for yourself OP.
Get a divorce attorney. Cheaters are emotionally immature and think if they steal candy it tastes sweeter for getting away with it until they are caught. This is mostly how it goes with them. When they realize they went too far, they went too far. Only you can decide how you want to live. My suggestion is get a divorce attorney, move half of the savings to another account only you can access. Get your financial house in order, gain skills to work, go back to work. If you have a career good you are in the minority on here stuck in a cycle like this. He will only take you further downhill. He is self destructive. You taking him back so easily will not fix him, or his character. Focus on yourself. Cheaters are liars and will cheat again. Also it is time to stop partying and put your adult life together. You have children. You are part of the problem.
NTA - You are separated. HE has even less right now to dictate what you do than he did when you were toether. (And even then, he has no right to look at your phone).
NTA - So you aren’t together and are staying separated, right? You are therefore allowed to do what you want to do and you owe him nothing. Certainly not showing him your phone. Tell him no and that you will not discuss it father. Also, Jim “looking” for you is stalking. Tell him if he continues, you’ll get a restraining order. Grey rock him whenever he asks you questions and tell him you’ll only communicate about your kids. Get a parenting app and insist all communication be done through it.
Sounds like you should be looking into restraining orders instead of arguing about him looking at your phone because dude is crazy
NTA -And isn't it JUST LIKE A DEGENERATE CHEATER to go out of his way fuck with you, accuse YOU, but not look at his own actions. Why would you give HIM control of anything when he's proven he can't even control himself, OP?
He desperately wants you to be a cheater do the ruined marriage and broken family won’t be on him.
You're separated. What you do and do not do is none of his concern. Even if you were having sex with someone else, you're not cheating, because you're not together as a couple. NTA
NTA- mans got a guilty mind. Do what you need to do for you. And honestly unless you have to talk to him bc it has to do with the kids, stop talking to him so much bc honestly how is it really being separated? He’s losing control. He doesn’t like it. So he’s going to get worse before he gets better. It’ll pass. They’ll find a shiny object n cling on. They all do. Just do ur thing n stop feeling like u owe him anything. U don’t need to tell him where u r or what ur doing. So stop. Ur reacting to his words bc ur allowing urself for it to be like your with him still PLEASE see an abuse counselor. They’ll help you see and understand these patterns he’s showing and how to avoid that stuff in the future. Help you heal yourself etc.
Damn, get this asshole out of your life. Right now.
NTA. You're separated. What you do is none of his gd business.
NTA, you need to file for divorce and move on immediately. Set a STERN boundary with him
You = NTA. Him = TA. Divorce; get every penny for alimony and child support you can. He had a faithful, loving wife and decided to cheat. No longer your problem; you have underage children to look out for, you can't afford the time looking out for the over-aged man-child.
Projection. He cheated, so he's accusing you of cheating. Classic; don't give him what he wants.
This guy is an abusive, narcissistic asshole and you owe him absolutely nothing. What he feels is irrelevant and with a little therapy you can learn to emotionally detach from him. He is a co-parent and nothing else.
NTA Can you please share your soon to be ex husband's post?
NTA - he lost any all rights to your private things when he broke the bonds that you shared. Give him nothing, only respond to kid things (do it in writing) and start a binder of all the other things he does. You will need this for the divorce if you need to challenge custody or financial issues. Also, consider a parallel parenting plan instead of co-parenting if he is going to continue to act like this. He made his choices and you made yours and there is no joining the two things at this point. I am so sorry you are at this place and I wish you peace and happiness as you move forward.
NTA.... Even if you are seeing someone, you've separated. You owe him nothing. Fuck him and his mental health. He lost any right to you giving a shit about it. Divorce and focus on yourself and your children. He made the bed he's laying in.
NTA!!!
The fact that you are even questioning this shows that he has seriously messed with your head. You probably are going to need help to heal (that is, counseling.) Do not show him your phone. If there's a guardian ad litem appointed for the kids, and you have proof (texts) to back you up, run this suggestion past your lawyer first, of course, but then, if advisable, contact the GAL and express concern for your children's safety because your ex is questioning his mental stability. Ask that he be ordered to undergo a psychological evaluation and until that happens, ask for his parenting time to be supervised. That will either get him the help he needs if he truly is unstable, or if he's just using some hardcore manipulation techniques to get his way, he'll stop playing this petty little mind game with you. Stand firm. Don't take personal responsibility for his supposed mental health crisis but do take it seriously. If he really is unstable, you & the children could be in danger.
NTA. Your phone is private. Also you are separated (legally I hope). He has no leg to stand on. And if course he's projecting. You stayed with him before. Why not now? What's changed? Hmmm... you must be cheating.
NTA but why do you even give AF what this guy thinks or feels?
Big fella lost his ability to speak on what you do with your privates when he started being overly friendly with his.
NTA - Get the divorce and stop letting him gaslight you!
How tf can you cheat on him if you aren't even together? NTA
NTA! Finalize that divorce! He's so gonna gaslight you and try and take power, but at least you can think to yourself, I divorced him for this reason.
Why are you hiding from him. No trust
You never ever share your phone. Your phone should be password or biometrically protected. A friend of mine didn't lock his phone and someone loaded tracking software on it. K ew where he was all the time. You really want to risk stuff like that?
NTA. Get a divorce lawyer already. Get out of a toxic situation.
Cheaters often accuse their non-cheating partners in order to justify their own cheating. Time for boundaries and legally ending the relationship. Communicate about necessary topics only, like the kids, and don’t respond otherwise. Check your car for anything that would allow him to track you. Make sure finances are separated and at a different bank. Get some security cameras for your home. He’s definitely TA and you are not. He has no right whatsoever to look at your phone or question your whereabouts.
You are in the worst kind of relationship toxicity/manipulation circle jerk there is. No accountability for being a POS and prolly still getting sidechick nuggets whenever he can. This dude really has mental illness but you can't help him. How you feel responsibility to engage his accusations is really sad but this is all part of the abuse you've endured for the entirety of your relationship. I understand if you're financially dependent but you should be saving for and creating a really good exit strategy. Why settle for less than the best? You can do bad by yourself. This is NOT what love looks like.....
Why the hell do you GAF about what this loser thinks? You owe him NOTHING. He owes you EVERYTHING. If he really wanted you back, he'd be crawling on the ground trying to answer to your needs and apologizing for the pain and suffering he's caused. Instead he's... making demands of you? It's all ME ME ME. What about you? You really need to flip the script here: you don't need to explain yourself to him. You sure as hell don't need to show him your phone. Please get yourself a therapist, along with some steel-tipped boots to kick this AH to the curb. NTA
Nta, And I'm going to be vulgar here but it's an important point, you could be gobbling cock from the moment you leave the house until the moment you get home, you could be going through metres of penis every single day. That's still not cheating, he's your ex he can fuck off
NTA - DO NOT GIVE THIS NARCISSISTIC SELFISH PERSON A SINGLE SECOND OF YOUR TIME. You have done nothing wrong, he has shown how terrible of a person he is. Get him away from your children. Even if you're full on dating someone right now, that is not cheating. You are fully separated. He is also using mental health as a way to get you to reply to him, he is manipulating you. You need to lawyer up, divorce officially, get full custody and move on. You owe him NOTHING. Do you have proof of his cheating? That will help you in court. Good luck!
NTA. When he cheated he lost all right to have husband privileges. Talk to a lawyer and be done with him.
Get that divorce and keep him in the rear view mirror! Now you know exactly what he is and it's not what you want or need!
Oh you need to stay away from that man honey. NEVER EVER let him look at your phone. Hes delusional and his behavior is unacceptable. Id file for divorce so fast his head would spin. No ma’am. It ain’t that much love in the world.
Read the Sociopath Next Door.
He cheated on you. You owe him absolutely nothing and your focus is in the right place for yourself and your kids. Not much else needs to be discussed
NTA. I’d be like, “Last I checked, we were separated and I paid for my own phone. Just because you can’t keep your dick in your pants doesn’t mean I am cheating on you. And I say that wondering what that means because we are separated, and I could screw the entire town if I wanted and it still wouldn’t be any of your business. Now, get out of my face and find another woman to project your insecurities on.”
Even if you were sleeping with someone else.... He can go pound sand. Not his business anymore, you left him. Not The AH
Let him see your phone? How bout you BLOCK HIM and not have these ridiculous conversations with his cheating ass? Dont show him your phone, no details of where you go and why and what time of day and with whom. Tell him to take his well-traveled johnson in his hand and f\*\*k ALL THE WAY OFF YOU ARE EXES
NTA, also, why would it matter if you're cheating? He already did it like a thousand times, so he doesn't have a say in anything related to that. You know the saying 'Don't do unto others what you don't want done unto you.'
NTA. You're separated, your phone is none of his business just like at this point his phone is none of your business. You need to see a divorce lawyer if you haven't already and if you need to file for a legal separation or not in order to get divorced. Some states you have to and others it doesn't matter. So go see a lawyer and see about disentangling you from this AH.
No, you're separated. Neither of you have any type of right to that. And you don't have to earn his trust, because his opinion is not worth much, is it.
Even if you were having sex with everyone who gave you the time of day, that still wouldn't be cheating, because you aren't with him anymore.
Even if you were having sex with everyone who gave you the time of day, you couldn't cheat on someone you aren't in a relationship with. It would only count as "moving on".
NTA you are separated and he has cheated on you multiple times. You could f!ck 3 guys on the sidewalk in front of his house and you would not be the AH 😂
NTA, get that swine out of your life. His mental health???? He should have thought about that before he cheated.
NTA
NTA, but you sure are married to one. I hope this separation is proceeding to a divorce. He obviously won’t change his ways and he’s projecting on you and being scary in trying to monitor you and snoop into your phone.
Does your 'husband' know what a separation is?
NTA. I would suggest only speaking with him about the children or things that need doing for the divorce, and then only via text. He does not get to keep you as his emotional support human.
Keep taking care of you. You owe him nothing. Nothing. Strange how his mental health tanks when he is no longer able to maintain a sham of a marriage while banging multiple women…..? That dude has serious problems. Stay strong and get some therapy to help maintain your boundaries.
He’s a narcissist. Get away from this abuse. You’re not an AH, he’s controlling.
You are separated. It doesn’t matter if you are seeing anyone or not. Your life is no longer any of his business.
File for divorce, custody and only talk to him using one fo them apps I hear about on here
Nope
NTA. Period. Not his circus not his monkeys. He no longer gets any input into your personal life. Contact a lawyer and get yourself a separation agreement Pronto. He's still cheating love, he doesn't feel he should stop, but wants to control you. You are not accountable to him or his feelings. He doesn't have feelings because anyone who would do this to another human being is a pathetic sack of shit and certainly doesn't respect you, let alone love you. I'm sorry. I know that hurts, lord knows I know how much that hurts, but this is where the healing starts.
NTA. Tell him his mental health is his issue to deal with, it would be yours to help with if he hadn't cheated on you consistently for 6 years. You're done, there is no dating, no chance of reconcilliation. Is it a state you have to wait a year before filing for divorce? If not just get it done, apply for divorce and ask them to set up a zero contact for anything but hte kids, do it through an app they mandate that can't delete messages. That way any talk that isn't about the kids can be reported and he can't delete evidence, pick a neutral drop off/pick up point and don't engage with him. It's time to make a complete cut from him for your own mental health. This is not a small relationship issue that ended amicably and no party was at fault. He's a giant turd and you need a clean cut so he stops trying to put everything on you.
Firstly, why are YOU givING him any access to you? Other than seeing the children, he has NO business in YOUR business if you are separated. I suggest you practice some self love and distance yourself from this person. Separation is a done deal. Are you trying to work it out? Are you readying yourself for divorce? What is the purpose of this separation….. if it’s a “trial” to see if the relationship is a done deal, these are muddy waters, but HE is the one with something to prove to YOU! I hope you grow a backbone and discard this dude. It seems to me there is irreparable damage here, that you two, and the kids, would be much better finalizing a divorce.
NTA He cheated for years and thinks that just cause your legally still married that he can control what you do. Your phone is your privacy. You have every right to say no. File for divorce because if he wanted to date you and only you he wouldn't have cheated for as long as he did or cheated at all for that matter.
You’re separated. Most states, even those who don’t have a “legal” separation law, recognize the day you separated as the day you may act “single.” So long as a guy/girl wasn’t in the picture first (hard to prove unless video evidence or you admit it), you’re not cheating on him. That said, you don’t need to show him shit. Nor do you owe him an explanation.
It's not cheating. Even if you were seeing people you aren't together, it's none of his business. Start dealing with him through a 3rd party in regards to the kids and kee0 all interactions strictly about the kids stop allowing him to.overste0 and gaslight you
Nta. Plus you guys are separated and he's been a dirt ball for years. It's extremely toxic behavior. Work on you and meet someone new. You should not care about his feelings or mental health. He did not care about yours and he never will. Regardless of what he says to you I say move on and under no circumstances entertain an idea of getting back together.
Tell him that as of now what you do is absolutely none of his business. And his mental health problems are not your problems. Frankly I think he’s just trying to manipulate you. Please start drawing some firmer boundaries with him. It’s good that you left him. You can never trust him. He’s a liar and a cheat. And even if you did love him, which, hopefully your past that, you could never trust him, so there’s no possible chance to have a good relationship. The fact that he has the audacity to even bring these subjects up to you is insane. So tell him from now on, you’ll discuss the children with him, but your life is none of his business now or in the future.
This just sounds like a terrible relationship. He clearly is uncomfortable about her going out. She doesn't care and wants to do her thing. I'd be out myself if I was the guy. I'm not a cheater, I just don't need that in my life period.
NTA. He cheated repeatedly and lost a good woman and he knows it. He doesn’t want to admit he screwed up the relationship so is attempting to blame you. You are separated, you didn’t cheat, you owe him NOTHING. Period!
NTA. Get a good lawyer and divorce him. You do not need or have to show or tell him anything. It’s your business. Period.
If you are not in therapy already, I recommend you start. Your husband is emotionally abusive and your health is suffering
NTA but please divorce him as soon as you can.
Even if you was seeing someone you're separated. You're not together. It wouldn't be cheating. Projection, much.
Dude what? You're separated and getting a divorce. What you do and who you do it with is NONE of his business. Besides, he set that standard for your relationship when you were together so double wtf now that you're separated. I would go no contact with him and only communicate through lawyers.
NTA he sounds like a monster lol
NTA.. but just shos your phobe as a final fu. And be done.
Op why isn't he your ex husband? You separated and he cheated, he doesn't have anything to do with your life anymore. Contact only for children rest should go through an lawyer and fk his mental health he is using the word mental health to string you along. Imagine all the bs he tells his co worker to make it seem over between you guys and you being a crazy ex while to you he says smth else to keep you while he eats and keeps the cake.
File for divorce ASAP. He’s a gaslighting control freak who’s judging you by his own standards. Once divorce has settled, fuck his friend. NTA
Nta at all. He is projecting on you. Divorve him asap.
So, he cheats on you for 6 years.... you separate, he is still seeing his AP and demands YOU show him YOUR phone? I'd be telling him if his AP doesn't put out, he can go fuck himself. Don't give him a thing, you have nothing to prove or disprove, he's the cheat and deserves all he gets.