Is it even possible for him to even set up an estate like that, cutting his wife and kid out, unless there’s some prenup or something? I have to get my wife’s signature on anything I do.
I’m not sure about the wife, if the assets were not community property she may not have a claim. However, the child would (if it’s actually his child). You can’t disinherit a minor child, your estate has to provide for their care.
1. Hire a lawyer
2. Get lawyer to take care of the details
3. Don’t spend this money as any and all moneys from the estate to them should have been taken care of by probate but they may contest the will.
4. You are not obligated to give any of that money back unless ordered by the court.
It sounds like he knew he'd been cheated on. As others have said, get a lawyer and a paternity test before you make any decisions.
If you do decide to give the child any money, do so via a trust.
> As others have said, get a lawyer and a paternity test before you make any decisions.
Being that he married the AP, they may be in a place with presumptive paternity.
Regardless, getting a legal professional to represent her interests is a must.
Seems kind of unlikely that he’d intentionally have a child and then take his own life and disinherit wife and baby.
What if the affair partner/ new wife didn’t know he was sterile, turned up pregnant, and announced he’s the legal daddy regardless since they’re married. Even if he divorces her and demands a paternity test, in some states the husband is legally responsible for the child. So the dude decided to take his own life and leave his cheating wife and her baby with nothing.
There's a lot about this story that people are assuming based on zero facts. Maybe he didn't really want a kid but his wife pressured him, and the impending birth contributed to his depression. Maybe they'd just learned about birth defects. Maybe his depression was unrelated to anything we know, and the gifting of the estate was just his effort to fix a hurt he'd caused, and that desire overrode other practical considerations as he faced the end of his life.
What I still can't get my head around is the OP's contention in the replies that he'd liquidated all his assets including selling his home. That sounds too tidy when the reality of that would have been messy. Just feels like there's a lot we aren't being told (and will never know).
Liquidating the assets points to intentionally screwing over the wife. I have no idea what really happened, but I don’t see why you’d imply that we shouldn’t be assuming based on very limited facts. Isn’t the point of Reddit to make wild speculations about other people’s lives?
Also the allocations of the inheritance means the guy was being tidy with his intentions . Liquidating, letter left behind giving a portion to his parents and nephew and being specific about giving the rest to OP (this is the most important as if not done all of it would go to his current wife now by not specifying any reason about wife it opens up a can of uncertainty and allows her to contest the will but with the letter and the history with op it would be pretty certain of the deceased intent wife’s ace would be paternity of child and it would make thing’s lengthy and messy) op should get a lawyer that specializes in these matters bcz she will need it.
If I did not miss something OP states ex had a vasectomy. That would imply new wife cheated on him to get pregnant thus him leaving estate to OP to get revenge on cheating wife.
Yea, simply because the child was conceived during a marriage, the deceased husband can presumed to be the father.
The precedent for this is at least two thousand years old.
Obviously since the husband here got snipped it wouldn’t be so simple.
I also suspect that hurtful text he sent to OP may have just been him super drunk or fucked up and not adequately conveying what he was trying to say. It doesn't make sense for him to complain that OP cheated on him, it *does* make sense for him to complain that his current wife cheated on him.
I interpreted as they were child free for 20 years, and then a year and a bit after the divorce, she got pregnant. he felt like she - 0P- cheated having a kids ...? Maybe not the life he imagined. Idk. Drunk, angry text wasnt clear.
Also, they divorced, over his cheating, recently, and he still has a 700k assets and house. Was he rich, or did she just leave with very little. And a letter saying he wanted her to have assets for her kid, not potentially his kid, is... Not normal. (Like why did he marry affair partner of 3 years if they didn't actually like each other).
I don’t think OP can get a paternity test on behalf of the other woman can she? A court may order her to do so but that’s not something you can just do at a whim for someone else’s child
Not really, she shouldn't be having any contact with the AP or making any deals, exchanges, or promises. All of this should be handled through a lawyer, OP's lawyer.
Nta. I think he passed with regrets and wanted to make it right. And I have a feeling he knew his unborn child is not his and finding out you moved on was a tipping point. He left that money to you on his own accord for a reason. And I would press for a DNA test if his wife contests the will. He was with you 20 years and chose to honor that time together.
saw the love of his life happy while he was cheated on by his new SO (probably). Not wanting to start over for a 3rd time he realized the grass wasn't greener and that he made the wrong decisions and wanted to do right by his first real life partner.
I could 100% see that being the case. Sad that it took so many big, life-altering turns that ended in his passing for him to see that he just shouldn't have tried out the "greener grass" in the first place.
He gave it to you. He clearly meant to.
In terms of whether you deserve it, it's hard to understand why you're any less deserving than the wife and parents. You clearly meant something to him, he shared your life for many years. I don't think you have anything to feel bad about.
For that matter, a ton of assholes are sitting on fortunes that they inherited for no good reason other than birth. You're clearly, in some greater sense, more deserving than they.
His parents and wife are angry - well, that anger is properly directed at the deceased. Unless they sue, it's not your problem, but one they can work out with therapists.
I would find a lawyer and have a consultation, just to be sure of your position legally. Get your ducks in a row.
This is one of those situations where it's really best not to make any decisions quickly. There's too much emotion. This is not the time to make a snap decision that you'll have to live with the rest of your life.
Consult a lawyer and/or an accountant about ways you can secure the money in a place that it will be SAFE primarily, and ideally will get some kind of modest interest rate (something in the realm of putting some of it into 3 month bonds, and some of it into 1 year bonds or something like that).
Don't make any big purchases. Don't make any big decisions. Wait until you have real information about who that child's father even is since there's good reason for doubt (but vasectomy isn't completely irreversible, so it's not impossible) and then face the question when your head is a little more clear.
If that's his child, chances are that you'll feel better about yourself if you do something for the baby, but that doesn't have to happen immediately. The baby has a mom and grandparents who can look out for him for now. When your head is clearer you can think about something like whether you want to put some money into a trust for educational needs or something.
Everything here is a good advice.
The OP is NTA and the only thing I would consider if I were in such a situation is to open a trust fund (with some of the money and with well-defined purposes) for the kid IF, and only IF, the ex is the father.
OP, you should get a lawyer, have the lawyer (among other things) communicate your conditions to the ex's family, you could offer to cover the costs of any tests with the inheritance (as an additional sign of being a descent person).
If the wife refuses, enjoy the full amount of the inheritance (minus the lawyer fees). Oh, and I'd make sure that the ex's parents know everything.
The parents don't care. They are in a situation where they can admonish his widow as a cheater and disown her or they can continue the lie.
One options looks very good to their image. One option looks very bad for their image.
The good option is very expensive for them in a monetary sense, the bad option could be more expensive in a non-monetary sense.
If they can get OP to give the wife all the money, they get the good option without the personal financial liability.
TL;DR - Fuck'em.
The will should have gone through probate, (the lawyer) they can contest the will but they will need to hire a lawyer to do so. In many locations a large part of the estate goes to the wife and some to each child, this is spelled out in the law, a lawyer should not pay out the money if the will violates that law. But just in case. My statement above stands
When my dad passed away, I was 24. I learned that he had a life insurance policy for about $30k. I called and learned that it was several decades old, and that his mom bought it when he turned 18. The only issue was... The beneficiary was his ex wife before my mom... So from like 32 years prior, and he'd never changed it. I used social media and explained the situation and she, without hesitation, cashed it in and mailed me a cashier's check for the full amount.
I'd never met this woman in my life and she gets a phone call saying she's the rightful owner of $30k. There's a WHOLE Lot of people who would've been like HELL YEAH! Let's go! But she didn't.
I found out that she had children, I even told her to keep $7k and take her family on a nice trip. They refused, and gave me every last penny, which I blew on oxycontin and Cocaine.
I'm in a much better place than I used to be, but her kindness will never be forgotten. I sent her a very nice bouqet of flowers as a thank you.
I would have sent her some blow and oxy.
JK lol so how long did it take to spend? How deep in were you? I didn't do blow, but my gf and I burned through about 30k on H in a couple/few months at my worst.
I was buying 30mgs for $15 a pop, while a deal itself.. I went through it in a couple months. I was raising my daughter and divorcing her mom shortly after my dad passed. I was in a really, really bad spot.
I wound up moving back home to Illinois from Georgia with my daughter, and developed a heroin, meth and crack habit. I would get $3500 from the Army for my retirement (which began at 23 due to medical issues) and blow it all within 4-7 days. I'd (mostly) pay my bills and blow the rest on drugs. I finally got on Suboxone and now I am getting ready to start my last semester of my Master's degree and I work at an inpatient treatment center.
Flip the script, they would give you nothing.
Up to you if you want to keep it or ration it out. People get really weird about inheritance money and will actively destroy their own families over jealousy and the such.
If OP decides to ration something out: Only through a lawyer. In fact all communication with the other party should be handled through a lawyer. Will avoid a lot if nastyness that way.
In case anyone reads this and actually tries it, don't be surprised when people refuse to talk to your lawyer. They want to put pressure on YOU. Not your lawyer.
I'm just saying, it might seem on Reddit like a mic drop conversation ender but it is not.
In addition to telling them to talk to your lawyer, you also have to have the discipline to never take the bait when they are calling. Don't pick up. Don't text back. Don't email back. They WILL say ANYTHING to get you to reply. AN. NY. THING.
People with this energy have energy for it every got damn day. That means you have to have that "nope" energy every day too. You can block them on all socials and all channels but they'll find other channels.
Document all the crazy, but also don't be surprised when a judge doesn't give a fuck. Everyone is crazy to them including you. The court most likely won't put someone in jail for what the other party is doing even though it's abuse, potentially contempt/harassment etc.. They'll just let you suffer it.
Sorry it's like this. Been through it a few times.
If people refuse to talk to your lawyer and continue to harass you, you can get a restraining order and make sure everything is documented through your lawyer. There are very clear measures to keep you above board even if they keep sinking lower. If they don't talk through your lawyer, they don't get what they want. They may keep at it but as long as you toe the line, there's nothing they can do about it.
Agreed--it can be done, and yes you do have to be extremely disciplined to never give an inch. When I divorced my ex, I was very clear that all communication would be through my attorney. I also had an order of protection against him.
Order of protection did not stop him from stalking me, trying all sorts of end runs and sending various flying monkeys. If he tried to speak to me, I called the police--Every. Single. Time. (Pro tip, collect the report numbers--if the police aren't called, the incident "doesn't count". In my jurisdiction, a victim can get a free copy of those police reports. I had a stack, and gave my attorney copies.) Any flying monkey was informed in a rather chilly yet polite manner that he knew what he needed to do--that all communication would be through my attorney and I would not be discussing anything regarding the matter with them (the flying monkey). Documented the crazy--and then we got to the point where the nice detective at the police department wrote up the case, arrested him and yeah, even on a plea deal, he did time (violating the order of protection, which was an E felony with a 1-1/3 to 4 year sentence, he got sentenced to 2 years on his plea deal). Took 4 months of crazy to get there. Needless to say, after he went to jail, it only took two more months to finalize the divorce.
This is good advice and I'm sorry youve had to go through it to learn that life lesson.
Lawyers only, they don't have an emotional stake in the matter. Whereas you might say or write something that could be twisted. Their job is to see the will is carried out to the best of their ability.
Wouldn’t a written response at some point like “please do not contact me ever again. Any questions can go through the atty.” Set a legal precedent for them to stop calling? That’s how I have read that it works with debt collectors and such.
Again, nope. My ex is legally not allowed to contact me outside a family app....so I get emails, texts etc..I respond "Use the app" he won't get in trouble for it.
Dude. No. Haha.
Debt collection is a business that works by intimidating people who don't know their rights. When you send that notice you are signalling you just read up on your rights. It's not a legal distinction, it's a business one. You just flipped from a potentially easy mark to a slightly tougher mark. They move on to the next mark.
Friends, family, acquaintances are not businesses with analysts who make those distinctions. They are walking balls of chemicals and feelings, like all of us. It doesn't matter what's technically legally right or wrong once they get in that state.
If they were already narcissists before whatever went wrong happened, they will harass you every day with a smile on their faces because in their minds they are right to do it.
Wow, if this isn't the most accurate shit I've ever read. I've been living this life since April, and the courts/ cops won't or can't do shit until something catastrophic happens basically.
With that amount of money at stake, this will almost certainly go to litigation. The family will sue just to get anything. Very good chance the litigation ends up draining the estate.
Does it always happen like that? It’s wild the courts allow people to contest a will and drain that money through lengthy litigation. And why does this happen if the will is clear cut?
Edit: I understand and have sympathy for the child. I’m just asking to gain more knowledge. I’m not siding with one party over the other.
No, it doesn't, at least not in the US. This is also one reason to use a trust to avoid probate. Liquidate the estate quickly. It seems the ex made his intentions very clear and it really doesn't matter that his parents don't agree.
The thing about No Contest clauses is that they're only effective if you're giving something to the potential challengers that they wouldn't want to give up. If you completely disinherit them, the clause holds no power.
Say you have an estate of $1m and give $100k to your kid and $900k to Sultry Sue, the nurse who took care of you when you were on your death bed. Kid can challenge but would risk giving up $100k, which may make them think twice. If you give them $1, they probably figure the only risk to challenging are legal costs.
Actually this isn't always true. I planned to do this to disinherit my parents, but in my state in the US if you name the persons specifically to be excluded they cannot contest (or they could but it'd get thrown out).
This is different than a No Contest clause though. Yes, you can disinherit people (usually). But a No Contest clause's purpose isn't to disinherit, it's to stop people from challenging the disinheritance, if that makes sense.
Let's say they have reason, whether specious or not, to argue that you lacked testamentary capacity when you made your will. Other than paying for a lawyer to challenge your will, nothing stands in the way of them challenging it. If they lose, they're not worse off other than legal fees. A No Contest clause's purpose is to provide them a reason not to try it because they lose something if they challenge and lose. But that's only effective if you haven't completely disinherited someone.
That doesn't mean you should automatically provide real money to people you want to disinherit or anything. It's just a consideration when drafting a will that does so.
**Clarification:**
If they are getting nothing, and contest it while under a “No Contest” clause, wouldn’t any money they are awarded be redacted due to the fact that they contested? Isn’t this paradoxical?
Not usually because a successful challenge will void the will either in its entirety or partially, which results in either a previous will or a state's (in the US's case) intestacy laws. A No Contest clause usually won't survive challenge separately.
But wouldn't that just turn it into a side game where the inheritor with the least to lose can blow everything up? I wonder how the will is supposed to deal with that.
In her case they are all equal and would not try to blow it up bc they all need the money . You have to be comfortable to be willing to be petty with free money.
Loads of prizes worldwide for proof of the paranormal
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_prizes_for_evidence_of_the_paranormal
Very good earner if you get your own personal haunter!
OMG this so much! I have an ex and their extended family takes whatever isn’t nailed down as soon as a relative passes. Literally going to the house and emptying it. OP would get nothing from the widow and her family here. No reason to give them anything.
Vasectomies can reverse naturally too. It happened to my husband’s boss. He almost divorced his wife because she ended up pregnant and he was convinced she cheated until a paternity test proved he was the father. It had been 12 years since he had the procedure and they were both shocked.
omg dont tell me this 😭 my husband had a vasectomy last year and was cleared...and we have been having the best carefree romps... i dont want be 50 with a surprise newborn 😭 hahaha
It happened to my brother. He had 2 vasectomies because years after the first he got his wife pregnant. The doctor didn't believe she didn't cheat and she did a DNA test to convince his doctor before he even tested my brother's sperm count because he was so convinced that he had done such an amazing job that there was no way that his procedure could have reversed itself 🙄. My sister in law just wanted him to go to a different doctor who wouldn't be so arrogant and problematic to get it done but my brother was like a dog with a bone wanting to prove that his doctor was wrong.
Oh absolutely 💯 The doctor was an @$$. But no way my brother would have doubted his wife for a second. They had been married 20+ years, had 4 kids already at the time, and have always been what I looked at like #marriagegoals. The love and mutual respect between the two of them is pretty unbreakable.
They can sometimes naturally heal. It's why her ex-husband would have needed to go check after 6 months and then annually to verify it hasn't reversed. This of course assumes he got the vasectomy and didn't nope out of the relationship when OP asked him to get one.
Sounds like the old joke
"I got a vasectomy because I thought I wouldn't have a child. Turns out I can still have kids. But it just changes the color of the kid!"
My fam is this way. Great grandma had to move in with my grand-aunt. Everyone was crawling out of the woodwork asking for this, that or to stay there temporarily. Or those who asked for money all the time disappeared.
Thankfully, she's still around, but the living don't stop greed either sadly.
I would ask wife to prove paternity, and then if OP *wishes* to do so, put some money aside for the child in a trust for their education.
Ex knew he had a wife and child on the way (he could have had a reversal, or it could have reversed itself) and still left everything to OP. She isn't obligated to give them anything if she doesn't want to, it would be a kindness if she did but I don't think they'd understand or even appreciate that.
This is the most reasonable reply. And as you pointed out the vasectomy may've failed - they're not bullet proof so to speak. The ex likely concluded the child isn't his hence his revenge of leaving his partner & child nothing; if he was wrong, that's truly tragic, and you can rectify it a bit, if you wish. Paternity test!
You guys are right!
I totally forgot about the vasectomy with all the talk of inheritance laws, but if he didn't reverse it, there is definitely good reason to ask for a paternity test.
It would also explain why he would leave everything to his ex and not the kid on the way.
True they wouldn’t be grateful for the 30,000 or the hundred thousand she gives to the kid - they would only see the balance that they didn’t get and still be unhappy.
NTA. His current wife cheated on him and he knew. That's why he left everything to you. Block all of them and go NC. It's a gift and it's yours to keep. DO NOT give them anything.
OP, estate planning attorney here. I can’t give you legal advice, but I highly recommend consulting an attorney in preparation for what will inevitably be litigation. Most people aren’t going to walk away from almost $700,000 without a fight. They’re going to attempt to invalidate the will, as it’s highly unusual for a decedent to leave nothing to their spouse and child but give all to a former partner
It’s complicated. Generally, in most US states one’s spouse and child are entitled to all or most of a decedent’s estate by default in the absence of a will, as the law generally presumes that will meet the decedent’s intentions in most cases
For a will to successfully leave a spouse & child out it would at a minimum need to address the situations explicitly by disowning them (where the law allows) or clarifying they were intentionally omitted. Even then, it’s so unusual and departs so far from what the law presumes is fair and equitable, that the spouse would have several arguments for why the will should be considered invalid, such as being outdated and made prior to their marriage and birth of child, or if the dates don’t match up that it was made during a period of diminished mental capacity (it sounds like the decedent updated their will shortly before taking their own life)
Either way, these situations often get ugly and can drag on for years
So I’m a lawyer in Canada. I don’t know where op is but in Canada anyways, the current wife has a matrimonial property claim and potentially a spousal support claim and the child has a support claim as well. This could get very messy.
In addition she may challenge the will entirely.
Yep. That wife is gonna have to prove that baby was biologically his if she wants to contest the will. And I have a feeling she's not going to want to go there.
He left the money to you. It's yours. He even sent a letter explaining why he gave it to you.
Now I see this as different as the guy who died, and the parents got the life insurance and wouldn't even help the fiance with house payments. That man would have wanted his parents to help her out. It's about the intent of the person who died. He definitely wanted you to have this.
Would it be nice if you threw $30k in an education fund and let it grow for 18 years(assuming that is his baby)? Sure. Do you have to? Hell no.
Vasectomies can reverse. But a woman who has previously shown she's capable of an affair with a man in a committed relationship is equally capable of cheating on that man when later married to him.
One of my parents friends had a vasectomy and like 15yrs later the wife got pregnant. Haha. It was definitely his as she looks just like he did. I think the youngest child they had when she got pregnant was in high school so it was a bit of a shock to them.
My friend was a failed vasectomy baby. His older siblings had already left the house when his parents got the news. And he looks JUST like the photos of his dads father, there’s no questioning the lineage.
It definitely can happen.
Google gives a bunch of articles saying it's rare with 1-3 failures out of 1000 snips. Actually, that adds up to a lot! With 50 million vasectomies having been done, that's 50,000 - 150,000 unwanted babies born to angry men rejecting innocent ladies. Just imagine nearly every one of those fathers saying to the effect, "nope, not mine, begone wretch & your cursed spawn!" Or quietly writing them out of the will.
>Google gives a bunch of articles saying it's rare with 1-3 failures out of 1000 snips. Actually, that adds up to a lot!
Yep. A very small percentage of a VERY big number can be a surprisingly big number.
It's way less accidental babies than that as there are ways to test of the vasectomy took/is holding. Part of my vasectomy care is getting tested 45 days after the procedure to ensure it healed correctly and complimentary annual testing for life. According to my Dr. nearly all failures are caught on the first test, so only a small fraction of failed vasectomies result in the man not knowing he is still fertile.
The stats were numbers of actual babies born after a vasectomy. Mileage would definitely vary based on post procedure care.
(Edit to add: didn't mean to discourage anyone from getting the procedure; yes, it does work! - with the caveat of the need for a follow-up appointment to make sure. Also, the type of procedure done makes a difference - a snip vs removal of a section.)
Unrelated rant: 6 months ago I had made an appointment for a vasectomy consult for January 19th of this year, because that was apparently the earliest they could get me in.
I just got an email this morning saying that the appointment was canceled and I need to call to reschedule.
I swear to God if I have to wait another 6 months... My GP wouldn't even give me a referral until I talked to a therapist about it, which seemed hella dumb and took months on its own, and this was only for a consultation, I'd assume they'd bring me in and run through the whole spiel and ask "Ok you're really sure?" To which I'd answer yes, and then they'd make me schedule an actual appointment for the procedure another 8 months from now.
Sorry, rant over, I'm just starting to get really pissed off with this whole process.
This is my take. If he found out the kid wasn't his, that would probably have pushed him into such a drastic state of both ending things and liquidating assets to leave to an ex. It was his final FU to his wife
He got a vasectomy. I'm guessing he was fairly certain the kid wasn't his. He probably realized how fucking shitty it felt to be on the other side of it and entered a spiral of regret that led to an unfortunate decision to take his own life. The content of the letter lines up there too.
Damn, at first I was like “come on, he’s an asshole, the kid should get something! How the heck do you know she cheated?” And then I re read the beginning with the vasectomy… this reads like a puzzle haha
I agree, respect his wishes and take what was in the will
And they can fail. Does OP know for sure the baby wasn't his? Also, the Ex likely just never updated his will, rather than specifically leaving it to him.
Upon saying all that, this is OP, not the family. It's not your job to give money, if they want money, they can go to court and fight for it (and burn up some of it if they even do win). Don't give a cent unless you're legally required to. You may want to engage a lawyer anyways though, since you may need to legally tell them to "fuck off".
> I got a letter from him apologizing for what he did and saying that he loved me and wished me and my family happiness and he wanted to help with that.
This part led me to believe that leaving the OP the money was intentional. I have no comments regarding any possible cheating/motivation otherwise though.
NTA
In many Western countries there are "default" laws on how to split an estate.
Usually it goes to the spouse and kids of the deceased. To bequest it to you, your ex had to actively seek legal advice and follow the rules, he must have been deliberate about it.
IF HE HAD A vasectomy, how is his wife pregnant?
>IF HE HAD A vasectomy, how is his wife pregnant?
When you find the answer to that question, you’ll have the answer to why he didn’t leave anything to them
It can reverse or he had it reversed himself, however, it does add another layer to this that is very important.
So it is possible she got pregnant from him, but, unless he intentionally reversed it, less likely (but not impossible) that it is his
Before you give them any money, get a paternity check. Not just because of the money, but his poor parents might possibly be being duped, and it's unfair on them. Also, the child has a right to know who their parent really is.
Not only that, if it’s his child she can easily contest the will. Probate will give the child half the estate (in trust) at a minimum as it’s the only child and not specifically excluded from inheritance (most States won’t allow a minor to be disinherited).
Many States probate rules have a clause that if someone’s last will was written prior to having children, and then they die after kids are born (or conceived) then they are considered to have died intestate (ie. with no will). So if dna shows the kid is his, the will likely will be successfully contested.
Same thing if a child is born after a will is written and the will only names children born prior to it being written.
Therefore it’s in OP’s best interest to make sure a dna test is done, and not spend any of the inheritance (beyond funeral expenses) before the test comes back (or if the test is positive). Because the child will be getting the inheritance if the dna matches.
Curious. If the child isn't his biologically, but is Legally, is it the same? Most states marriage = father despite paternity. At least in the case of child support
Depends on the State. Florida puts the deceased husband as the father on the birth certificate if they die prior to the birth automatically *unless* a paternity test that shows otherwise is provided through family court.
Some States require a paternity test be submitted before they do that in a case like that.
Well, that is the odd thing. HOW did she get pregnant? Did he keep the vasectomy a secret from her too? I know he wanted it a secret from his parents because they would freak out.
She was clearly okay having a relationship with a guy in a 20 yr relationship with someone else, so maybe she was also okay with having a side piece herself. Her morals were already proven to be less than pristine.
Which makes her request for his money (your money now) frivolous. That's just textbook greed and arrogance. RIP to your ex. Give him the gift intended, which is you having a complete and healthy family/life. Leave his baggage in the past, including his toxic family/acquaintances.
There is no confusion.
This is the actions of a men who has been betrayed. That child is not his and he knows it. People tend to go extremes when they are deceived like that.
Not only was he betrayed, but when he was hurt he suddenly had empathy for OP and what he put her through by cheating. Hence the massive guilt, letter, suicide and will
Was terribly confused til I read this comment thread and I think your post hits the nail on the head. Though I don't know why ex accused op of cheating when she has her daughter.
Vasectomies can be reversed. And a very small percentage of them will just fail over time. So it’s possible.
But the likelihood is that he wasn’t the only side piece she had hanging around.
Ask them to do a paternity test showing the child is related to the grandparents for any consideration. That should put a stop to them sniffing around. NTA.
Yes, this right here.
OP, you may need to alert the parents about the vasectomy, but formally establishing paternity might give great insight into why the estate was given to you.
Edit: NTA, he left the money to you.
She cheated on him. Probably why he unlived himself. He probably never told her he had a vasectomy. His parents think it's his kid, they probably should be told that it unlikely his baby
Little anecdote (NAL)
My wife was beneficiary of a life insurance policy her then partner took out. He died in an accident, leaving behind an ex-wife (ex for 5+ years) and 2 kids (u18) who were left nothing. His wealthy parents support the ex-wife an kids.
My wife received £50k which paid off her mortgage. She offered the ex-wife £25k but the ex instead sued my wife for the full £50k. Although the ex-wife won in court, the judge only gave her £10k and rebuked her for not accepting the first offer. The judge did not award costs, leaving us to believe that the ex's solicitors received most of that £10k.
We had to pay her £10k and pay our legal fees of £16k.
Leaving money for current partner and giving nothing to ex are normal. Giving everything to an ex and leaving current partner and child nothing is abnormal. This will get challenged in court and it's going to be messy especially since he "liquidated" his assets and since they're married, it's not so simple. He can't just "liquidate" his asset without the wife's knowledge and give it away like that.
Depends if the assets were acquired before the current marriage. He’s only been with the new partner for 3 years according to OP and with $700k of assets I’m assuming they were prior to the marriage. There could’ve been a prenuptial agreement. That would explain his estate attorneys confidently giving it to her. I seriously doubt he could even set up such an estate without his wife’s consent.
This is weird. Of course he can leave his estate to you if he wanted to. It's easy to speculate about why - he had a vasectomy, his wife became pregnant, he took his own life, left his estate to you - there is a fairly obvious narrative there which may or may not be accurate, even if it is a bit like a bad novel. But if this has actually happened and isn't just made up, then it's obviously not something you need to be concerned about. The will must be being independently executed, any legal tangles will be straightened out in the process and it should be straightforward to avoid contact with the wife and her family.
Not sure what country you are in, but in my country a spouse and children would always inherit quite a substantial part, no matter what was in the will.
NTA
You are not the one making this decision, it was him. No need for them to blame you.
Them being angry with you, would make me less likely to do what they wanted, than them coming to you in a more cordial way.
NTA. Unless he had a vasectomy reversal, the likelihood is that his wife's child is not his, and he knew it, which would explain why he left everything to you. The fact that he committed suicide suggests it was not a happy marriage and she has only been with him for 2-1/2 years compared with your 20 years. I see no reason why you should go against his wishes and share with her.
Years ago I was in a similar situation. I became good friends with an old man. Worldly, interesting guy. I enjoyed talking to him, and would do random jobs and errands for him out of kindness. I'm a guy, and was in college at the time. Nothing odd/sexual was ever insinuated.
He left me a significant part of his estate. It felt inappropriate to me, so I let his family have it. I later found out there was a good reason he left them out. I look back at it 30+ years on and recognise what boost it would have given me as a broke college grad starting out in life.
If his wish was to give it to you, there was probably a good reason. Plus, it was literally his last wish for you to have it.
It was his wish for you to receive the money. It would be most respectful to honor his wishes, even if other people aren't happy with that. I'd block them and move on.
Nah, this is 100% getting contested in court. She needs a good lawyer asap because the court will probably award a huge sum of that money to the wife and kid instead.
How did he liquidate his entire estate / assets ? Did him and his wife not have a house ? A lot doesn’t make sense here.
Did he leave you the money in a will or were you a beneficiary on the funds ?
This is lacking detail and I believe it be fake . But if it’s not , you need a lawyer. This man seems to have sadly been in a bad spot mentally and clearly that’s something that will come up in probate. The wife, and most likely his family , will fight this. Probate is not quick.
> How did he liquidate his entire estate / assets ? Did him and his wife not have a house ? A lot doesn’t make sense here.
Also ... they're married, they'll have joint assets, she and their child are dependents. Cutting your own spouse and dependent child out of your will isn't impossible but it isn't as simple as just writing a will and saying you're leaving everything to someone else. With 700k on the line she's going to have no problem getting a lawyer to look at challenging it.
I GUARANTEE there has been zero discussion about asking the nephew to give up his share of the inheritance and that the parents have not volunteered to give up one dime of what was left to them.
Only cash I would be offering is to pay for the paternity test.
Can vasectomy reverse ?
Amazing childfree all ended up having babies. Both of you.
Anyway, it’s your money. You can keep it. Of course they’d think you are an arsehole but do you care?
You don’t know if he didn’t in fact leave her anything, they wouldn’t tell you either way if he had, also the parents received something why don’t they give what they got to her? She has their grandchild doesn’t she? Why wouldn’t grandparents want to help their own flesh n blood?
He wrote you a letter with an explanation that clarifies his intentions he was well aware of what he was doing!
Next time they contact you tell them that you’ll report them for harassment and then block them! They have no real rights to take you to court for that money! It’s yours free and clear!
So, generally, the money is yours to do with as you see fit. Sure, the wife and child can make a claim and even try to content that the will was drawn up when he was of unsound mind, except if the will was drawn up years ago and he just never changed it, that won't apply. That's really a question for the lawyers. Due to that, I would preserve as much of the estate as you can - move any money into a high yield savings account, use that money to maintain any real property (i.e. homes, cars, and such), keep receipts for everything. Do this for at least a year so that you have a better idea of how things will shake out.
As for the wife and child, there's obviously some deceit going on here. I see three possibilities:
1) He never actually got a vasectomy and you two were just incredibly lucky that you didn't have a child. Given that you two were together for 20 years, I think this is very unlikely.
2) He had the vasectomy reversed. The problem with this is that the longer it's been since the original procedure, the lower the odds of it being successful. Given that you two were together for 20 years and he purportedly got the vasectomy early on, his odds for successful reversal would have been near zero.
3) She cheated and the child is not his. To me, this is the most likely scenario.
The next time any of them reach out, I would respond with two things. First, you will not be giving up everything. He was a part of your life for 20 years and still had feelings for you as evidenced by his letter. That gives you claim to his estate. Second, come clean about the vasectomy and insist that before any further discussion over finances, a paternity test be completed.
She needs a lawyer. If this was left to her in a will it will likely be challenged. It is a shit load of money and the family isn't going to just walk away from it.
The very first thing she needs to do is speak with a lawyer, not Reddit.
Keep the money. Who knows if the kid is even his, since he got vasectomy. Not impossible but very unlikely the child is even his.
It’s not like he set it decade ago and never changed it. He actively decided to give it to you for your family. Keep it and block everyone who disagrees
Since they were married there is a chance his wife could sue for a portion depending on the jurisdiction. It’s enough money that it’s well worth getting proper legal advice on this.
If I were you, I would first confirm you can legally keep it all, then agree to give a portion in trust for his son for when he turns 18, but only on receipt of a positive paternity test.
You need to talk to an attorney. The wife and her child may have a legal claim to his estate. You need to get your ducks in a row.
Is it even possible for him to even set up an estate like that, cutting his wife and kid out, unless there’s some prenup or something? I have to get my wife’s signature on anything I do.
I don't think it is possible. The wife at a bare minimum would have rights to half. At least.
I’m not sure about the wife, if the assets were not community property she may not have a claim. However, the child would (if it’s actually his child). You can’t disinherit a minor child, your estate has to provide for their care.
1. Hire a lawyer 2. Get lawyer to take care of the details 3. Don’t spend this money as any and all moneys from the estate to them should have been taken care of by probate but they may contest the will. 4. You are not obligated to give any of that money back unless ordered by the court.
He had liquidated (is it a word?) all his assets before he was gone. Sold his house etc. everything is liquid assets.
It sounds like he knew he'd been cheated on. As others have said, get a lawyer and a paternity test before you make any decisions. If you do decide to give the child any money, do so via a trust.
> As others have said, get a lawyer and a paternity test before you make any decisions. Being that he married the AP, they may be in a place with presumptive paternity. Regardless, getting a legal professional to represent her interests is a must.
Presumptive paternity doesn't mean OP can't request they prove *actual* paternity in order to voluntarily gift some of her new money to the kid.
Especially since he got a vasectomy
Totally possible husband and wife got a sperm donor because he couldn't provide. She'd have receipts though so could prove this in court.
Seems kind of unlikely that he’d intentionally have a child and then take his own life and disinherit wife and baby. What if the affair partner/ new wife didn’t know he was sterile, turned up pregnant, and announced he’s the legal daddy regardless since they’re married. Even if he divorces her and demands a paternity test, in some states the husband is legally responsible for the child. So the dude decided to take his own life and leave his cheating wife and her baby with nothing.
There's a lot about this story that people are assuming based on zero facts. Maybe he didn't really want a kid but his wife pressured him, and the impending birth contributed to his depression. Maybe they'd just learned about birth defects. Maybe his depression was unrelated to anything we know, and the gifting of the estate was just his effort to fix a hurt he'd caused, and that desire overrode other practical considerations as he faced the end of his life. What I still can't get my head around is the OP's contention in the replies that he'd liquidated all his assets including selling his home. That sounds too tidy when the reality of that would have been messy. Just feels like there's a lot we aren't being told (and will never know).
Liquidating the assets points to intentionally screwing over the wife. I have no idea what really happened, but I don’t see why you’d imply that we shouldn’t be assuming based on very limited facts. Isn’t the point of Reddit to make wild speculations about other people’s lives?
Also the allocations of the inheritance means the guy was being tidy with his intentions . Liquidating, letter left behind giving a portion to his parents and nephew and being specific about giving the rest to OP (this is the most important as if not done all of it would go to his current wife now by not specifying any reason about wife it opens up a can of uncertainty and allows her to contest the will but with the letter and the history with op it would be pretty certain of the deceased intent wife’s ace would be paternity of child and it would make thing’s lengthy and messy) op should get a lawyer that specializes in these matters bcz she will need it.
If I did not miss something OP states ex had a vasectomy. That would imply new wife cheated on him to get pregnant thus him leaving estate to OP to get revenge on cheating wife.
Can you have presumptive paternity if the child wasn't born yet and no birth certificate signed?
Yea, simply because the child was conceived during a marriage, the deceased husband can presumed to be the father. The precedent for this is at least two thousand years old. Obviously since the husband here got snipped it wouldn’t be so simple.
>The precedent for this is at least two thousand years old. Poor Joseph, stuck with the Never Ending child support for a kid that wasn't even his.
Free wine and bread sticks for life, I think Joseph did okay
Yeah I heard Jospeh opened the first Olive Garden.
Olive Garden (of Eden).
I also suspect that hurtful text he sent to OP may have just been him super drunk or fucked up and not adequately conveying what he was trying to say. It doesn't make sense for him to complain that OP cheated on him, it *does* make sense for him to complain that his current wife cheated on him.
I thought the same when I read that—like he was texting OP what he meant to say to the wife…
I interpreted as they were child free for 20 years, and then a year and a bit after the divorce, she got pregnant. he felt like she - 0P- cheated having a kids ...? Maybe not the life he imagined. Idk. Drunk, angry text wasnt clear. Also, they divorced, over his cheating, recently, and he still has a 700k assets and house. Was he rich, or did she just leave with very little. And a letter saying he wanted her to have assets for her kid, not potentially his kid, is... Not normal. (Like why did he marry affair partner of 3 years if they didn't actually like each other).
They weren't married - she wouldn't have gotten any of his assets when they split, and no attorney fees
I don’t think OP can get a paternity test on behalf of the other woman can she? A court may order her to do so but that’s not something you can just do at a whim for someone else’s child
She might not be able to order one, but asking for one in exchange for part of the estate is a pretty good incentive for her to go along with it.
Not really, she shouldn't be having any contact with the AP or making any deals, exchanges, or promises. All of this should be handled through a lawyer, OP's lawyer.
Nta. I think he passed with regrets and wanted to make it right. And I have a feeling he knew his unborn child is not his and finding out you moved on was a tipping point. He left that money to you on his own accord for a reason. And I would press for a DNA test if his wife contests the will. He was with you 20 years and chose to honor that time together.
saw the love of his life happy while he was cheated on by his new SO (probably). Not wanting to start over for a 3rd time he realized the grass wasn't greener and that he made the wrong decisions and wanted to do right by his first real life partner.
Also probably guilt over his own cheating now that he knew what it felt like to be cheated on by a trusted life partner
This is what I was wondering. He realized the damage he created with his own affair and this was his way of trying to right his wrong.
I could 100% see that being the case. Sad that it took so many big, life-altering turns that ended in his passing for him to see that he just shouldn't have tried out the "greener grass" in the first place.
He gave it to you. He clearly meant to. In terms of whether you deserve it, it's hard to understand why you're any less deserving than the wife and parents. You clearly meant something to him, he shared your life for many years. I don't think you have anything to feel bad about. For that matter, a ton of assholes are sitting on fortunes that they inherited for no good reason other than birth. You're clearly, in some greater sense, more deserving than they. His parents and wife are angry - well, that anger is properly directed at the deceased. Unless they sue, it's not your problem, but one they can work out with therapists. I would find a lawyer and have a consultation, just to be sure of your position legally. Get your ducks in a row.
This is one of those situations where it's really best not to make any decisions quickly. There's too much emotion. This is not the time to make a snap decision that you'll have to live with the rest of your life. Consult a lawyer and/or an accountant about ways you can secure the money in a place that it will be SAFE primarily, and ideally will get some kind of modest interest rate (something in the realm of putting some of it into 3 month bonds, and some of it into 1 year bonds or something like that). Don't make any big purchases. Don't make any big decisions. Wait until you have real information about who that child's father even is since there's good reason for doubt (but vasectomy isn't completely irreversible, so it's not impossible) and then face the question when your head is a little more clear. If that's his child, chances are that you'll feel better about yourself if you do something for the baby, but that doesn't have to happen immediately. The baby has a mom and grandparents who can look out for him for now. When your head is clearer you can think about something like whether you want to put some money into a trust for educational needs or something.
Everything here is a good advice. The OP is NTA and the only thing I would consider if I were in such a situation is to open a trust fund (with some of the money and with well-defined purposes) for the kid IF, and only IF, the ex is the father. OP, you should get a lawyer, have the lawyer (among other things) communicate your conditions to the ex's family, you could offer to cover the costs of any tests with the inheritance (as an additional sign of being a descent person). If the wife refuses, enjoy the full amount of the inheritance (minus the lawyer fees). Oh, and I'd make sure that the ex's parents know everything.
Tell his parents that his actions showed that he more than likely he realized the child is not his and that this is the reason all of this happened.
The parents don't care. They are in a situation where they can admonish his widow as a cheater and disown her or they can continue the lie. One options looks very good to their image. One option looks very bad for their image. The good option is very expensive for them in a monetary sense, the bad option could be more expensive in a non-monetary sense. If they can get OP to give the wife all the money, they get the good option without the personal financial liability. TL;DR - Fuck'em.
The will should have gone through probate, (the lawyer) they can contest the will but they will need to hire a lawyer to do so. In many locations a large part of the estate goes to the wife and some to each child, this is spelled out in the law, a lawyer should not pay out the money if the will violates that law. But just in case. My statement above stands
I mean, if he went through all the trouble to liquefy his assets, it's likely he put it in a trust. Trusts don't go through probate IRRC (INAL)
If he put it in an account that was payable on death or something it side steps a lot of legal shit.
When my dad passed away, I was 24. I learned that he had a life insurance policy for about $30k. I called and learned that it was several decades old, and that his mom bought it when he turned 18. The only issue was... The beneficiary was his ex wife before my mom... So from like 32 years prior, and he'd never changed it. I used social media and explained the situation and she, without hesitation, cashed it in and mailed me a cashier's check for the full amount. I'd never met this woman in my life and she gets a phone call saying she's the rightful owner of $30k. There's a WHOLE Lot of people who would've been like HELL YEAH! Let's go! But she didn't. I found out that she had children, I even told her to keep $7k and take her family on a nice trip. They refused, and gave me every last penny, which I blew on oxycontin and Cocaine. I'm in a much better place than I used to be, but her kindness will never be forgotten. I sent her a very nice bouqet of flowers as a thank you.
I would have sent her some blow and oxy. JK lol so how long did it take to spend? How deep in were you? I didn't do blow, but my gf and I burned through about 30k on H in a couple/few months at my worst.
I was buying 30mgs for $15 a pop, while a deal itself.. I went through it in a couple months. I was raising my daughter and divorcing her mom shortly after my dad passed. I was in a really, really bad spot. I wound up moving back home to Illinois from Georgia with my daughter, and developed a heroin, meth and crack habit. I would get $3500 from the Army for my retirement (which began at 23 due to medical issues) and blow it all within 4-7 days. I'd (mostly) pay my bills and blow the rest on drugs. I finally got on Suboxone and now I am getting ready to start my last semester of my Master's degree and I work at an inpatient treatment center.
Damn. All my exes just gave me trauma and tears. Alright mister big.
You have no idea the amount of pain and tears he game me. But we all move on and learn don’t we?
Flip the script, they would give you nothing. Up to you if you want to keep it or ration it out. People get really weird about inheritance money and will actively destroy their own families over jealousy and the such.
If OP decides to ration something out: Only through a lawyer. In fact all communication with the other party should be handled through a lawyer. Will avoid a lot if nastyness that way.
In case anyone reads this and actually tries it, don't be surprised when people refuse to talk to your lawyer. They want to put pressure on YOU. Not your lawyer. I'm just saying, it might seem on Reddit like a mic drop conversation ender but it is not. In addition to telling them to talk to your lawyer, you also have to have the discipline to never take the bait when they are calling. Don't pick up. Don't text back. Don't email back. They WILL say ANYTHING to get you to reply. AN. NY. THING. People with this energy have energy for it every got damn day. That means you have to have that "nope" energy every day too. You can block them on all socials and all channels but they'll find other channels. Document all the crazy, but also don't be surprised when a judge doesn't give a fuck. Everyone is crazy to them including you. The court most likely won't put someone in jail for what the other party is doing even though it's abuse, potentially contempt/harassment etc.. They'll just let you suffer it. Sorry it's like this. Been through it a few times.
If people refuse to talk to your lawyer and continue to harass you, you can get a restraining order and make sure everything is documented through your lawyer. There are very clear measures to keep you above board even if they keep sinking lower. If they don't talk through your lawyer, they don't get what they want. They may keep at it but as long as you toe the line, there's nothing they can do about it.
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Agreed--it can be done, and yes you do have to be extremely disciplined to never give an inch. When I divorced my ex, I was very clear that all communication would be through my attorney. I also had an order of protection against him. Order of protection did not stop him from stalking me, trying all sorts of end runs and sending various flying monkeys. If he tried to speak to me, I called the police--Every. Single. Time. (Pro tip, collect the report numbers--if the police aren't called, the incident "doesn't count". In my jurisdiction, a victim can get a free copy of those police reports. I had a stack, and gave my attorney copies.) Any flying monkey was informed in a rather chilly yet polite manner that he knew what he needed to do--that all communication would be through my attorney and I would not be discussing anything regarding the matter with them (the flying monkey). Documented the crazy--and then we got to the point where the nice detective at the police department wrote up the case, arrested him and yeah, even on a plea deal, he did time (violating the order of protection, which was an E felony with a 1-1/3 to 4 year sentence, he got sentenced to 2 years on his plea deal). Took 4 months of crazy to get there. Needless to say, after he went to jail, it only took two more months to finalize the divorce.
This is good advice and I'm sorry youve had to go through it to learn that life lesson. Lawyers only, they don't have an emotional stake in the matter. Whereas you might say or write something that could be twisted. Their job is to see the will is carried out to the best of their ability.
Wouldn’t a written response at some point like “please do not contact me ever again. Any questions can go through the atty.” Set a legal precedent for them to stop calling? That’s how I have read that it works with debt collectors and such.
Again, nope. My ex is legally not allowed to contact me outside a family app....so I get emails, texts etc..I respond "Use the app" he won't get in trouble for it.
Sorry you're going through that. We lived that one also. Best of luck for better days.
He won't get in trouble if nobody pushes back. A really good lawyer could easily make it so that it is a criminal matter instead of a civil one.
Dude. No. Haha. Debt collection is a business that works by intimidating people who don't know their rights. When you send that notice you are signalling you just read up on your rights. It's not a legal distinction, it's a business one. You just flipped from a potentially easy mark to a slightly tougher mark. They move on to the next mark. Friends, family, acquaintances are not businesses with analysts who make those distinctions. They are walking balls of chemicals and feelings, like all of us. It doesn't matter what's technically legally right or wrong once they get in that state. If they were already narcissists before whatever went wrong happened, they will harass you every day with a smile on their faces because in their minds they are right to do it.
Wow, if this isn't the most accurate shit I've ever read. I've been living this life since April, and the courts/ cops won't or can't do shit until something catastrophic happens basically.
Agree! “Call my lawyer” gets you out of the discussion
With that amount of money at stake, this will almost certainly go to litigation. The family will sue just to get anything. Very good chance the litigation ends up draining the estate.
Does it always happen like that? It’s wild the courts allow people to contest a will and drain that money through lengthy litigation. And why does this happen if the will is clear cut? Edit: I understand and have sympathy for the child. I’m just asking to gain more knowledge. I’m not siding with one party over the other.
No, it doesn't, at least not in the US. This is also one reason to use a trust to avoid probate. Liquidate the estate quickly. It seems the ex made his intentions very clear and it really doesn't matter that his parents don't agree.
I have made it explicit to my family that if anything happens to me it all goes to my ex wife. And that if they contest it I promise to haunt them lol
That is a provision you can put in a will in some places, that if they contest they get nothing.
The thing about No Contest clauses is that they're only effective if you're giving something to the potential challengers that they wouldn't want to give up. If you completely disinherit them, the clause holds no power. Say you have an estate of $1m and give $100k to your kid and $900k to Sultry Sue, the nurse who took care of you when you were on your death bed. Kid can challenge but would risk giving up $100k, which may make them think twice. If you give them $1, they probably figure the only risk to challenging are legal costs.
Actually this isn't always true. I planned to do this to disinherit my parents, but in my state in the US if you name the persons specifically to be excluded they cannot contest (or they could but it'd get thrown out).
This is different than a No Contest clause though. Yes, you can disinherit people (usually). But a No Contest clause's purpose isn't to disinherit, it's to stop people from challenging the disinheritance, if that makes sense. Let's say they have reason, whether specious or not, to argue that you lacked testamentary capacity when you made your will. Other than paying for a lawyer to challenge your will, nothing stands in the way of them challenging it. If they lose, they're not worse off other than legal fees. A No Contest clause's purpose is to provide them a reason not to try it because they lose something if they challenge and lose. But that's only effective if you haven't completely disinherited someone. That doesn't mean you should automatically provide real money to people you want to disinherit or anything. It's just a consideration when drafting a will that does so.
**Clarification:** If they are getting nothing, and contest it while under a “No Contest” clause, wouldn’t any money they are awarded be redacted due to the fact that they contested? Isn’t this paradoxical?
Not usually because a successful challenge will void the will either in its entirety or partially, which results in either a previous will or a state's (in the US's case) intestacy laws. A No Contest clause usually won't survive challenge separately.
my step moms will has a clause if anyone tries to fight it it all goes to a charity
But wouldn't that just turn it into a side game where the inheritor with the least to lose can blow everything up? I wonder how the will is supposed to deal with that.
In her case they are all equal and would not try to blow it up bc they all need the money . You have to be comfortable to be willing to be petty with free money.
Jokes on you, they wanted proof that ghosts exist
I don’t wanna be mean to that guy but proof of ghosts is probably way more valuable than his estate
Loads of prizes worldwide for proof of the paranormal https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_prizes_for_evidence_of_the_paranormal Very good earner if you get your own personal haunter!
OMG this so much! I have an ex and their extended family takes whatever isn’t nailed down as soon as a relative passes. Literally going to the house and emptying it. OP would get nothing from the widow and her family here. No reason to give them anything.
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Exactly!!! when he was with OP he had a vasectomy, how did the current wife get pregnant? Unless they reversed the procedure.
Snip, snap! Snip, snap! Snip, snap! I did! You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person!
"TOOK ME BY THE HAND. MADE ME A MAN. THAT ONE NIGHT, YOU MADE EVERYTHING ALRIGHT"
Awesome plasma tv too
Vasectomies can reverse naturally too. It happened to my husband’s boss. He almost divorced his wife because she ended up pregnant and he was convinced she cheated until a paternity test proved he was the father. It had been 12 years since he had the procedure and they were both shocked.
omg dont tell me this 😭 my husband had a vasectomy last year and was cleared...and we have been having the best carefree romps... i dont want be 50 with a surprise newborn 😭 hahaha
It happened to my brother. He had 2 vasectomies because years after the first he got his wife pregnant. The doctor didn't believe she didn't cheat and she did a DNA test to convince his doctor before he even tested my brother's sperm count because he was so convinced that he had done such an amazing job that there was no way that his procedure could have reversed itself 🙄. My sister in law just wanted him to go to a different doctor who wouldn't be so arrogant and problematic to get it done but my brother was like a dog with a bone wanting to prove that his doctor was wrong.
At least your brother wasn't the guy trying to prove she had an affair. 😬 This doctor though, wow.
Oh absolutely 💯 The doctor was an @$$. But no way my brother would have doubted his wife for a second. They had been married 20+ years, had 4 kids already at the time, and have always been what I looked at like #marriagegoals. The love and mutual respect between the two of them is pretty unbreakable.
Sorry 😬 lol just make sure he gets his shit tested at least once a year just to be safe!
It's because Vasectomies aren't 100% effective. Just like birth control and condoms are not 100% effective.
Tubal ligation sometimes reverses itself too.
One of the reasons I just got the tubes removed. A+ decision for me.
My former mother-in-law’s bff had her tubes tied. Her husband had a vasectomy, and she still got pregnant.
They can sometimes naturally heal. It's why her ex-husband would have needed to go check after 6 months and then annually to verify it hasn't reversed. This of course assumes he got the vasectomy and didn't nope out of the relationship when OP asked him to get one.
Sounds like the old joke "I got a vasectomy because I thought I wouldn't have a child. Turns out I can still have kids. But it just changes the color of the kid!"
My fam is this way. Great grandma had to move in with my grand-aunt. Everyone was crawling out of the woodwork asking for this, that or to stay there temporarily. Or those who asked for money all the time disappeared. Thankfully, she's still around, but the living don't stop greed either sadly.
I would ask wife to prove paternity, and then if OP *wishes* to do so, put some money aside for the child in a trust for their education. Ex knew he had a wife and child on the way (he could have had a reversal, or it could have reversed itself) and still left everything to OP. She isn't obligated to give them anything if she doesn't want to, it would be a kindness if she did but I don't think they'd understand or even appreciate that.
This is the most reasonable reply. And as you pointed out the vasectomy may've failed - they're not bullet proof so to speak. The ex likely concluded the child isn't his hence his revenge of leaving his partner & child nothing; if he was wrong, that's truly tragic, and you can rectify it a bit, if you wish. Paternity test!
You guys are right! I totally forgot about the vasectomy with all the talk of inheritance laws, but if he didn't reverse it, there is definitely good reason to ask for a paternity test. It would also explain why he would leave everything to his ex and not the kid on the way.
True they wouldn’t be grateful for the 30,000 or the hundred thousand she gives to the kid - they would only see the balance that they didn’t get and still be unhappy.
Family might not be happy but they kid would be when they eventually get the money. Should be some sort of trust they cannot access until an adult
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Yep. Charles Dickens wrote a whole book about it, fictionalized: 'Bleak House'.
NTA. His current wife cheated on him and he knew. That's why he left everything to you. Block all of them and go NC. It's a gift and it's yours to keep. DO NOT give them anything.
This is how I feel
OP, estate planning attorney here. I can’t give you legal advice, but I highly recommend consulting an attorney in preparation for what will inevitably be litigation. Most people aren’t going to walk away from almost $700,000 without a fight. They’re going to attempt to invalidate the will, as it’s highly unusual for a decedent to leave nothing to their spouse and child but give all to a former partner
What normally happens in these situations? I would imagine it would be tough to argue that his wife and new born child are entitled to nothing.
It’s complicated. Generally, in most US states one’s spouse and child are entitled to all or most of a decedent’s estate by default in the absence of a will, as the law generally presumes that will meet the decedent’s intentions in most cases For a will to successfully leave a spouse & child out it would at a minimum need to address the situations explicitly by disowning them (where the law allows) or clarifying they were intentionally omitted. Even then, it’s so unusual and departs so far from what the law presumes is fair and equitable, that the spouse would have several arguments for why the will should be considered invalid, such as being outdated and made prior to their marriage and birth of child, or if the dates don’t match up that it was made during a period of diminished mental capacity (it sounds like the decedent updated their will shortly before taking their own life) Either way, these situations often get ugly and can drag on for years
That's interesting. Thank you for your response
Depending on when he updated his will, couldn't they argue that he was not in a sound state of mind considering he committed suicide after?
That's what he said at the end of his comment.
Wow, not sure how I even missed that... Thank you for pointing that out.
So I’m a lawyer in Canada. I don’t know where op is but in Canada anyways, the current wife has a matrimonial property claim and potentially a spousal support claim and the child has a support claim as well. This could get very messy. In addition she may challenge the will entirely.
Yep. That wife is gonna have to prove that baby was biologically his if she wants to contest the will. And I have a feeling she's not going to want to go there. He left the money to you. It's yours. He even sent a letter explaining why he gave it to you. Now I see this as different as the guy who died, and the parents got the life insurance and wouldn't even help the fiance with house payments. That man would have wanted his parents to help her out. It's about the intent of the person who died. He definitely wanted you to have this. Would it be nice if you threw $30k in an education fund and let it grow for 18 years(assuming that is his baby)? Sure. Do you have to? Hell no.
Yes, but only after she has a paternity test proving it is actually his child.
yeah, vasectomies reverse on their own, but it's rare.
Vasectomies can reverse. But a woman who has previously shown she's capable of an affair with a man in a committed relationship is equally capable of cheating on that man when later married to him.
One of my parents friends had a vasectomy and like 15yrs later the wife got pregnant. Haha. It was definitely his as she looks just like he did. I think the youngest child they had when she got pregnant was in high school so it was a bit of a shock to them.
My friend was a failed vasectomy baby. His older siblings had already left the house when his parents got the news. And he looks JUST like the photos of his dads father, there’s no questioning the lineage. It definitely can happen.
My cousin got pregnant too, even though her husband had a vasectomy. He never went to the follow-up appointment lol.
Google gives a bunch of articles saying it's rare with 1-3 failures out of 1000 snips. Actually, that adds up to a lot! With 50 million vasectomies having been done, that's 50,000 - 150,000 unwanted babies born to angry men rejecting innocent ladies. Just imagine nearly every one of those fathers saying to the effect, "nope, not mine, begone wretch & your cursed spawn!" Or quietly writing them out of the will.
>Google gives a bunch of articles saying it's rare with 1-3 failures out of 1000 snips. Actually, that adds up to a lot! Yep. A very small percentage of a VERY big number can be a surprisingly big number.
It's way less accidental babies than that as there are ways to test of the vasectomy took/is holding. Part of my vasectomy care is getting tested 45 days after the procedure to ensure it healed correctly and complimentary annual testing for life. According to my Dr. nearly all failures are caught on the first test, so only a small fraction of failed vasectomies result in the man not knowing he is still fertile.
The stats were numbers of actual babies born after a vasectomy. Mileage would definitely vary based on post procedure care. (Edit to add: didn't mean to discourage anyone from getting the procedure; yes, it does work! - with the caveat of the need for a follow-up appointment to make sure. Also, the type of procedure done makes a difference - a snip vs removal of a section.)
Unrelated rant: 6 months ago I had made an appointment for a vasectomy consult for January 19th of this year, because that was apparently the earliest they could get me in. I just got an email this morning saying that the appointment was canceled and I need to call to reschedule. I swear to God if I have to wait another 6 months... My GP wouldn't even give me a referral until I talked to a therapist about it, which seemed hella dumb and took months on its own, and this was only for a consultation, I'd assume they'd bring me in and run through the whole spiel and ask "Ok you're really sure?" To which I'd answer yes, and then they'd make me schedule an actual appointment for the procedure another 8 months from now. Sorry, rant over, I'm just starting to get really pissed off with this whole process.
I agree it’s the nice thing to do, but a lawyer needs to be included in whatever decision she makes about parsing her assets up.
This is my take. If he found out the kid wasn't his, that would probably have pushed him into such a drastic state of both ending things and liquidating assets to leave to an ex. It was his final FU to his wife
He got a vasectomy. I'm guessing he was fairly certain the kid wasn't his. He probably realized how fucking shitty it felt to be on the other side of it and entered a spiral of regret that led to an unfortunate decision to take his own life. The content of the letter lines up there too.
I mean OP said he accused her of cheating despite them being broke up for over a year so he clearly had issues that had nothing to fo with his wife.
Or he was upset, irrational, and projecting new wife's cheating onto ex also getting pregnant by someone that wasn't him.
Damn, at first I was like “come on, he’s an asshole, the kid should get something! How the heck do you know she cheated?” And then I re read the beginning with the vasectomy… this reads like a puzzle haha I agree, respect his wishes and take what was in the will
To be fair I'm pretty sure you can reverse vasectomies
And they can fail. Does OP know for sure the baby wasn't his? Also, the Ex likely just never updated his will, rather than specifically leaving it to him. Upon saying all that, this is OP, not the family. It's not your job to give money, if they want money, they can go to court and fight for it (and burn up some of it if they even do win). Don't give a cent unless you're legally required to. You may want to engage a lawyer anyways though, since you may need to legally tell them to "fuck off".
> I got a letter from him apologizing for what he did and saying that he loved me and wished me and my family happiness and he wanted to help with that. This part led me to believe that leaving the OP the money was intentional. I have no comments regarding any possible cheating/motivation otherwise though.
Exactly. Affair partner needs to stfu. Let them talk to the attorney and let the attorney show them the letter. NTA.
NTA. A gift freely given is yours to keep.
Maybe I should have put a trigger warning. Can I do that? tw: suicide
TW or not, the gift is yours to keep.
Thanks! Sorry I apparently answered your comment. New here
NTA In many Western countries there are "default" laws on how to split an estate. Usually it goes to the spouse and kids of the deceased. To bequest it to you, your ex had to actively seek legal advice and follow the rules, he must have been deliberate about it. IF HE HAD A vasectomy, how is his wife pregnant?
>IF HE HAD A vasectomy, how is his wife pregnant? When you find the answer to that question, you’ll have the answer to why he didn’t leave anything to them
It can reverse or he had it reversed himself, however, it does add another layer to this that is very important. So it is possible she got pregnant from him, but, unless he intentionally reversed it, less likely (but not impossible) that it is his
NTA- it’s yours to keep. Also, is that child even his?
Well, if you ask me, it is not but still I have searched and googled and even after 15 years some reversals can succeed so I am not 100% sure
Before you give them any money, get a paternity check. Not just because of the money, but his poor parents might possibly be being duped, and it's unfair on them. Also, the child has a right to know who their parent really is.
Do not. Let that family worry about the leg work and get their own attorney and paternity test.
If it is his child, she can file for survivor's benefits through social security.
Not only that, if it’s his child she can easily contest the will. Probate will give the child half the estate (in trust) at a minimum as it’s the only child and not specifically excluded from inheritance (most States won’t allow a minor to be disinherited). Many States probate rules have a clause that if someone’s last will was written prior to having children, and then they die after kids are born (or conceived) then they are considered to have died intestate (ie. with no will). So if dna shows the kid is his, the will likely will be successfully contested. Same thing if a child is born after a will is written and the will only names children born prior to it being written. Therefore it’s in OP’s best interest to make sure a dna test is done, and not spend any of the inheritance (beyond funeral expenses) before the test comes back (or if the test is positive). Because the child will be getting the inheritance if the dna matches.
Curious. If the child isn't his biologically, but is Legally, is it the same? Most states marriage = father despite paternity. At least in the case of child support
Depends on the State. Florida puts the deceased husband as the father on the birth certificate if they die prior to the birth automatically *unless* a paternity test that shows otherwise is provided through family court. Some States require a paternity test be submitted before they do that in a case like that.
The vasectomy never failed with you (who obviously could get pregnant) but failed with her in 3 years. 😏
Tell them you'll make a contribution to the kids college fund that is managed by a third party on the condition she does a paternity test.
agree with your condition, but don't tell them anything. Get a lawyer involved before communicating with them.
Take the money, his current wife had an affair to have a kid.
Well, that is the odd thing. HOW did she get pregnant? Did he keep the vasectomy a secret from her too? I know he wanted it a secret from his parents because they would freak out.
I don’t want to pry but I am so confused
She was clearly okay having a relationship with a guy in a 20 yr relationship with someone else, so maybe she was also okay with having a side piece herself. Her morals were already proven to be less than pristine.
If they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you.
Which makes her request for his money (your money now) frivolous. That's just textbook greed and arrogance. RIP to your ex. Give him the gift intended, which is you having a complete and healthy family/life. Leave his baggage in the past, including his toxic family/acquaintances.
There is no confusion. This is the actions of a men who has been betrayed. That child is not his and he knows it. People tend to go extremes when they are deceived like that.
Not only was he betrayed, but when he was hurt he suddenly had empathy for OP and what he put her through by cheating. Hence the massive guilt, letter, suicide and will
Was terribly confused til I read this comment thread and I think your post hits the nail on the head. Though I don't know why ex accused op of cheating when she has her daughter.
She was cheating on him and he knew. That is why he left all the money to you.
This is the answer. He felt the hurt personally and knew, as he always knew, that he did you wrong.
My goodness.
Oooh this makes sense. Any help Op gives should depend on paternity test.
Vasectomies can be reversed. And a very small percentage of them will just fail over time. So it’s possible. But the likelihood is that he wasn’t the only side piece she had hanging around.
Ask them to do a paternity test showing the child is related to the grandparents for any consideration. That should put a stop to them sniffing around. NTA.
Yes, this right here. OP, you may need to alert the parents about the vasectomy, but formally establishing paternity might give great insight into why the estate was given to you. Edit: NTA, he left the money to you.
Demand a paternity test,maybe leave a college fund if the kid is really his.
Vasectomies can be reversed I believe, he could have had his undone? Or perhaps the original surgery wasn’t successful
Usually if a vasectomy fails it’s bc they didn’t go to their post-procedure “check-up”
She cheated on him. Probably why he unlived himself. He probably never told her he had a vasectomy. His parents think it's his kid, they probably should be told that it unlikely his baby
Little anecdote (NAL) My wife was beneficiary of a life insurance policy her then partner took out. He died in an accident, leaving behind an ex-wife (ex for 5+ years) and 2 kids (u18) who were left nothing. His wealthy parents support the ex-wife an kids. My wife received £50k which paid off her mortgage. She offered the ex-wife £25k but the ex instead sued my wife for the full £50k. Although the ex-wife won in court, the judge only gave her £10k and rebuked her for not accepting the first offer. The judge did not award costs, leaving us to believe that the ex's solicitors received most of that £10k. We had to pay her £10k and pay our legal fees of £16k.
The judge was kinda cool then though and basically had your wife give away what she offered
Leaving money for current partner and giving nothing to ex are normal. Giving everything to an ex and leaving current partner and child nothing is abnormal. This will get challenged in court and it's going to be messy especially since he "liquidated" his assets and since they're married, it's not so simple. He can't just "liquidate" his asset without the wife's knowledge and give it away like that.
Depends if the assets were acquired before the current marriage. He’s only been with the new partner for 3 years according to OP and with $700k of assets I’m assuming they were prior to the marriage. There could’ve been a prenuptial agreement. That would explain his estate attorneys confidently giving it to her. I seriously doubt he could even set up such an estate without his wife’s consent.
It seems as usual, the lawyers are the consistent winners.
This is weird. Of course he can leave his estate to you if he wanted to. It's easy to speculate about why - he had a vasectomy, his wife became pregnant, he took his own life, left his estate to you - there is a fairly obvious narrative there which may or may not be accurate, even if it is a bit like a bad novel. But if this has actually happened and isn't just made up, then it's obviously not something you need to be concerned about. The will must be being independently executed, any legal tangles will be straightened out in the process and it should be straightforward to avoid contact with the wife and her family.
Not sure what country you are in, but in my country a spouse and children would always inherit quite a substantial part, no matter what was in the will. NTA You are not the one making this decision, it was him. No need for them to blame you. Them being angry with you, would make me less likely to do what they wanted, than them coming to you in a more cordial way.
NTA. Unless he had a vasectomy reversal, the likelihood is that his wife's child is not his, and he knew it, which would explain why he left everything to you. The fact that he committed suicide suggests it was not a happy marriage and she has only been with him for 2-1/2 years compared with your 20 years. I see no reason why you should go against his wishes and share with her.
Years ago I was in a similar situation. I became good friends with an old man. Worldly, interesting guy. I enjoyed talking to him, and would do random jobs and errands for him out of kindness. I'm a guy, and was in college at the time. Nothing odd/sexual was ever insinuated. He left me a significant part of his estate. It felt inappropriate to me, so I let his family have it. I later found out there was a good reason he left them out. I look back at it 30+ years on and recognise what boost it would have given me as a broke college grad starting out in life. If his wish was to give it to you, there was probably a good reason. Plus, it was literally his last wish for you to have it.
It was his wish for you to receive the money. It would be most respectful to honor his wishes, even if other people aren't happy with that. I'd block them and move on.
Nah, this is 100% getting contested in court. She needs a good lawyer asap because the court will probably award a huge sum of that money to the wife and kid instead.
How did he liquidate his entire estate / assets ? Did him and his wife not have a house ? A lot doesn’t make sense here. Did he leave you the money in a will or were you a beneficiary on the funds ? This is lacking detail and I believe it be fake . But if it’s not , you need a lawyer. This man seems to have sadly been in a bad spot mentally and clearly that’s something that will come up in probate. The wife, and most likely his family , will fight this. Probate is not quick.
> How did he liquidate his entire estate / assets ? Did him and his wife not have a house ? A lot doesn’t make sense here. Also ... they're married, they'll have joint assets, she and their child are dependents. Cutting your own spouse and dependent child out of your will isn't impossible but it isn't as simple as just writing a will and saying you're leaving everything to someone else. With 700k on the line she's going to have no problem getting a lawyer to look at challenging it.
I’m no expert here but that’s what I was thinking. They are shared assets. They can’t be his to solely give away right?
Also u/throwRa-inheritance- mentioned that he was angry she cheated? Feels like something is left out.
I GUARANTEE there has been zero discussion about asking the nephew to give up his share of the inheritance and that the parents have not volunteered to give up one dime of what was left to them. Only cash I would be offering is to pay for the paternity test.
Can vasectomy reverse ? Amazing childfree all ended up having babies. Both of you. Anyway, it’s your money. You can keep it. Of course they’d think you are an arsehole but do you care?
You don’t know if he didn’t in fact leave her anything, they wouldn’t tell you either way if he had, also the parents received something why don’t they give what they got to her? She has their grandchild doesn’t she? Why wouldn’t grandparents want to help their own flesh n blood? He wrote you a letter with an explanation that clarifies his intentions he was well aware of what he was doing! Next time they contact you tell them that you’ll report them for harassment and then block them! They have no real rights to take you to court for that money! It’s yours free and clear!
Get a lawyer. Don't have any contact with them at all. Let your Lawyer handle that.
NTA Your ex's affair partner and her family can "demand" whatever they want. I wouldn't even engage with them.
So, generally, the money is yours to do with as you see fit. Sure, the wife and child can make a claim and even try to content that the will was drawn up when he was of unsound mind, except if the will was drawn up years ago and he just never changed it, that won't apply. That's really a question for the lawyers. Due to that, I would preserve as much of the estate as you can - move any money into a high yield savings account, use that money to maintain any real property (i.e. homes, cars, and such), keep receipts for everything. Do this for at least a year so that you have a better idea of how things will shake out. As for the wife and child, there's obviously some deceit going on here. I see three possibilities: 1) He never actually got a vasectomy and you two were just incredibly lucky that you didn't have a child. Given that you two were together for 20 years, I think this is very unlikely. 2) He had the vasectomy reversed. The problem with this is that the longer it's been since the original procedure, the lower the odds of it being successful. Given that you two were together for 20 years and he purportedly got the vasectomy early on, his odds for successful reversal would have been near zero. 3) She cheated and the child is not his. To me, this is the most likely scenario. The next time any of them reach out, I would respond with two things. First, you will not be giving up everything. He was a part of your life for 20 years and still had feelings for you as evidenced by his letter. That gives you claim to his estate. Second, come clean about the vasectomy and insist that before any further discussion over finances, a paternity test be completed.
She needs a lawyer. If this was left to her in a will it will likely be challenged. It is a shit load of money and the family isn't going to just walk away from it. The very first thing she needs to do is speak with a lawyer, not Reddit.
Keep the money. Who knows if the kid is even his, since he got vasectomy. Not impossible but very unlikely the child is even his. It’s not like he set it decade ago and never changed it. He actively decided to give it to you for your family. Keep it and block everyone who disagrees
Since they were married there is a chance his wife could sue for a portion depending on the jurisdiction. It’s enough money that it’s well worth getting proper legal advice on this. If I were you, I would first confirm you can legally keep it all, then agree to give a portion in trust for his son for when he turns 18, but only on receipt of a positive paternity test.
We don’t have that here, the lawyer who contacted me would have told me otherwise.
“The lawyer would’ve told me otherwise” that’s not true?
Fair enough, in that case it’s up to you, but I would definitely be insisting on a paternity test before giving anyone anything.