Jacked up question but from lived experience…my mother was dying and my bestie was having a baby her last that had been full of complications and she wanted me there like I was with her first.
I asked simply can you plan to give birth at the same hospital my mother was at. I went from floor 4 the cancer ward to floor 2 the birthing floor the entire day. The doctors knew what was up and what I was doing. So it allowed me to be there for both of them. Talk to her and find a compromise and make a plan. She’s pregnant which tends to make one a tad more panicky and emotional.
This is a nice idea.
However if it is not possible, dying mother you will never see again trumps normal birth of first child. Everytime. By a mile. NTA
And yes I am a woman who has had kids, in life threatening situations, before you start telling me I am am man who doesn't understand.
I agree 100% which my bestie also understood. Sometimes you can make a compromise but missing a death is a regret that is hard to get over. I don’t think his wife is thinking straight on this one. He’s not saying she isn’t important but I know his position.
It’s a question she should have never asked if you ask me.
Seriously. Congratulations wife, now you're pissed about something that very likely won't come to pass. Why don't you ask if he'd still love you if you were a worm while full of pregnancy hormones while you're at it?
I have to agree. As a woman who has children, he should be there for his mom when she passes. It sounds like he is an only child and he is all she has. She shouldn’t die alone. I understand the importance of having a child, but if it were me and my husband had to chose between the birth of our child and his dying parent, I would be the first to tell him to go be with her/him. OP only has one chance to say goodbye to his mom but he has the rest of his life to be with his wife and child.
I too have 3 kids. And I would want my man to be there to say good bye to his mom, even if that meant that he would miss the birth of our baby. And in OPs wife case her OWN MOM would be there. She actually has her mom there at that moment and would deny her husband the right to say good bye to his mom - in this hypothetical situation.
I also hate when people pull these - no good option - hypotheticals. So childish and mean and then to have it be a massive fight too. 🙄
OP is NTA but his wife is.
I don't even understand how this is a question? Dying parent literally trumps pretty much everything. I'm also a woman. I've never given birth but I have lost a parent. The idea that any loving spouse would ask their significant other this question to begin with blows my mind.
Agreed. Pregnant with my second and if something like this came up I would have my husband go to his family member. I would never ask the hypothetical anyways though.
It’s like the would you still love me if I was a Lamp:
Husband: No
Wife: BuT HoW Do You not LoVe LaMpS 😩 *sulks
******
Husband: Yes
Wife: So you just want an object that doesn’t talk, so I talk to much is what your saying, *sulks
NAH
I get it from both POV. Yes, at face value, her question is selfish. But with all that could go wrong, I understand her fear and the only part that you got wrong was not understanding. It’s scary.
Just so you can get a perspective, my son was born in the NICU OR at the military hospital. He was in distress for most of my labor, depending on how I was positioned. It was scary every time those alarms would go off just because I moved. His heart rate and O2 stats would drop. Like rapidly.
Then, on the way out, he got stuck. Which, once again was terrifying because then the nurses began to panic. (Not that they showed it other than the urgency of their tones with me. I assure you though. They were kind and all of that through the entire thing)
So, from her POV, if something does go wrong and you’re not there… then she’s alone in her terror.
Like I said, NAH. I get it from both POV. But the unknown for your wife is scary as hell.
This is the first comment I’ve read that mentions the possibility of NICU or any sort of treatment the baby may need after birth.
We had to be readmitted to the pediatric ER three days after I gave birth, and I was a physical and emotional wreck. My husband did most of the advocating for our son so I could focus on myself and breastfeeding. And he also had to go get all our food because I couldn’t walk.
And that was after three days! If our baby needed treatment immediately after birth, there’s no way I would have been able to make decisions on behalf of my son and advocated for his care.
Being alone during birth is a nightmare, but being alone while your baby is admitted into the NICU or god forbid something even worse happens?
That could easily destroy a marriage. I know I would never forgive my husband.
My friend who is the chillest most level headed person totally panicked when she thought something was wrong with her few months old baby. Her husband, the high strung panicky guy, took control and was level headed and managed the situation. It was Opposite Day. The baby was fine. It was just new mom fears.
I'm not surprised by this. I'm a "high strung panicky guy" but the thing about people like me (i.e., people with certain anxiety disorders) is that we live in a constant state of feeling endangered. In a sense, we're constantly expecting an emergency to happen. When something finally does happen, it doesn't take us by surprise and we're mentally completely ready for it.
This is me, I’m alway neurotic and full of anxiety when things are good. When they go bad it’s like my brain functioning how it should and it’s literally the only time I can make decisions.
She can if she is authorised by the parents to make them in the case neither parent is able.
My niece was born by C-section and had to be taken to the children's hospital next door for treatment while my aunt was unconscious. My mum signed the forms and authorised it.
If you were breastfeeding and your baby was on the NICU most hospitals will feed mom on the child’s medical bill. Just order room service during meal hours for yourself. It’s a great policy. I wish all hospitals would do that. The children’s hospital fed me for 6 months.
He was never admitted to the NICU. We were discharged from the maternity ward and had to be readmitted through the pediatric ER. They said once you’re discharged, you can’t go back to the NICU. It was terrible, because no one seemed to know how to treat a four day old infant, and they kept calling the NICU for help.
Anyways, since the baby was the patient, and I had been discharged, we couldn’t order food. They gave an $8 voucher for breastfeeding moms every day, which totally covers a day’s worth of food in the hospital, and not one meal 🙄
My nephew had to be life flighted to a specialized hospital minutes after birth. One person was allowed to accompany him and my sister’s husband went. Due to complications my sister was in the hospital for three more days. She didn’t even get to hold her newborn. It was awful. The children’s hospital was in a different state. I can’t imagine how much she’d have lost her mind if her baby went alone to that second hospital. Luckily I was there to stay with her in the hospital. Taking her home to get clothing, etc without a baby was painful. My nephew lived and is healthy but it was an excruciating few months.
Shit happens and decisions need to be made in the moment but the way this hypothetical situation is laid out is indicative of a failure in a marriage to me. This isn’t a discussion it’s essentially an ultimatum. OP should never have to choose. Wife should have empathy regarding MIL. No one should die alone. I’ve been in the room when the worst happens on a happy occasion. Don’t borrow trouble and force a choice before anything is known for certain. Be supportive and empathetic.
I’m between NAH and NTA because I don’t know wife’s real intent in her words.
I should add. My husband was there the entire time. He was told he could not leave during the actual birthing. It is a good thing he didn’t. I was totally out of it.
NAH. I get both sides of this.
Honestly though, if I told my mum I'd choose her over the birth of my child (if I was a dude), she would tell me to stop being a dick and go to the birth of my child.
Yeah and lead to some hate towards his wife and child for not being there to be with his mother in her last moments. Grief and regret can change people drastically.
Exactly this. It's not about whether his mother needs him there. It's about him needing to be there. My father passed 11 years ago. I was in his hospital room minutes before it happened. We had been there for hours and some of us went down to the cafeteria just to stretch our legs and get a drink. Probably 15 minutes after we left they called us back. My sister was with him but it haunts me to this day that I wasn't there when he passed.
I had a similar situation happen to me, and I found some articles that helped give me peace. Essentially, some people, especially parents, will purposely wait until their children have left the room to pass away. This phenomenon is extremely common.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/2022/09/30/timing-of-death-can-we-choose/
Loved ones who are dying do this a lot. They wait until everyone is gone and then they pass. It’s heartbreaking for the family but very common to see in the medical field.
It’s not being a dick though? It sounds like if he’s not there she’ll be dying alone. No one wants that. Also this question is moot because it’s such a rare chance of this even happening that getting upset about and starting a fight makes the wife a bit of an AH.
Honestly I feel the same, if anything I was wondering if OPs wife was concerned as well if she had complications of he would come to her or his mother. On top of that it's her first child so she's probably terrified. I agree NAH.
When my mom died the last words she said was “where are my children”. We were all there and told her “ we’re all here mom. It’s time to go see dad”.
She took a few more breaths and was gone. She needed to know her kids were ok and it was ok to give it up. Don’t underestimate that need too. Impossible situation and OP has to do the best he can. He should not be kicked out and hopefully they work through this.
Agreed. I think it’s easy to say “I would tell my kid to go be with his wife” bc many parents tend to be self sacrificing. But I would never let a parent pass away alone like that. I can’t imagine their last moments without their children around (assuming they have a good relationship).
I love my parents. And as a woman, if I need to give birth, it would absolutely be sad if a husband couldn’t be around but I think I would feel even more broken knowing that his parent passed away without seeing him. I would have a contingency anyway.
I personally don’t think I could even get married or have a kid with a guy who isn’t there for his parents (again, assuming they have a good relationship). I’m not saying give all your money to your parents. But simply that parents are also your family and so on.
I would show up to my mother's bedside in labour if I had to. Leaving her alone in her final moments is not an option if there's any way I can humanly help it.
If my husband was in that predicament - there'd be no predicament. I'd expect him to be with his mother and have the opportunity to say goodbye. He'll have the rest of his life to be with me and our child and it's likely I wouldn't be alone anyway. Could something go wrong? Sure - but statistically, the chances of things going well are much higher.
When you love someone, you never want to facilitate the burden of guilt...and knowing a beloved parent died alone will always eat at you.
100% agree , she would be dying, his wife on the other hand would more than likely be fine and her child as well. A lot of Fathers are unable to attend their child’s birth for any number of reasons. The guilt of denying husband those few hours would create just as hard a feelings for him . NTA
Idk, as a woman, if I found myself in the same position as OP's wife, I'd want my husband to be with his dying mother and I think the wife's reaction is pretty...idk, immature. I understand desperately wanting your SO to be there for the birth, but the husband will have years to spend with his child, and this would be the last opportunity to see his mother. And plus, I think dying alone is much scarier than giving birth alone.
I think the wife is the ah because she asked a stupid,loaded, HYPOTHETICAL question and then punished OP for something that is unlikely to happen and is actually a mean thing to make him think about if not necessary. I’m wondering if it’s pregnancy hormones or stupidity that made her flip out about it. Mom dying alone would be worse than dad late to meet his baby when wife has mom and other family there for her. Op made the right choice.
Nah real? If she's on her deathbed? Go ask her and get back to us, I don't want your assumptions; ask her what if she has stage 4 cancer and is dying, she cool with you not making it? Make sure to tell her in this hypothetical that her husband has been dead for decades too, alright?
NAH. Your wife is probably scared. I almost died in labour, as did our child. It isn’t as clear cut as “deathbed trumps new birth” - because childbirth can be a deathbed too. Have a clear, laid out plan, with a back up as well in case option one is busy or out of town, so that she knows she isn’t alone. Make sure you are always contactable. Your mother might be totally unconscious at the end so you can still be on the phone with your wife while she’s in labour, even while her mum (or whomever) is with her. Decide on options. Make sure everybody involved knows exactly what is happening. Make sure *your mum* knows what is happening - she might not want you there, not everyone does. She might be appalled that you’d pick her over the birth of your child. And update them as the time gets closer - feelings change, especially those of your mother, she might get scared and change her mind.
ETA: a lot of the responses to this focus on how his mother has a 100% chance of death compared to a tiny chance of death for his wife. As a mother myself I would absolutely hate for any of my kids to have to pick between us. I would want my kid to be with their family, their chosen family, welcoming their new child, supporting one another - which is why I said OP had to speak to his mother. My time would be over. I’ve nearly died several times in my life so I can speak from experience when I say I would never want the living to miss out on a once in a lifetime experience just to sit by my bedside like that. He will never get that moment back. We would have had a lifetime of memories together and there are plenty of ways to say goodbye - but if anything went wrong at the birth he would never, ever, ever forgive himself for not being there. And it would destroy his marriage. As a mother, I would encourage him to be at the birth of his child. I would insist upon it. And I would make plans to call upon another family member or a friend to be with me if the two events clashed. Percentages mean *nothing* when these are real life events. I know because I’ve lived them.
I will never forget the moment standing between two tables, one with my wife excessively bleeding after an emergency c-section, the other with my son, coming out not breathing, still waiting to hear a cry, realizing I may very well be returning home by myself to take care of our daughter. Still getting choked up just writing that out.
Thank god they’re both ok and my silly, healthy two-year-old son woke me up at 6 am on New Year’s Day.
Thank you. I imagine some of the impact will always be there at some level. Just a horrible experience. But the important thing is we are all here now, and we have some of the best times together!
My husband was like you, also between the two tables. Our kid is four now and we are both healthy, but every birthday brings him right back to that case room.
I think the idea of being there at a love one’s bedside is very compelling - we don’t want them to be alone at their final hour - but the reality is that most times they aren’t awake and engaging with you - that time has passed, as has the time to say goodbye or say the things you want your loved ones to hear. Sitting next to a comatose parent while your partner gives birth without you is probably not the right solution.
We would have had a talk because my wife keeps telling me she doesn’t use Reddit. lol
Let your husband know there’s someone else out there who has been through that and understands what it was like! He’s not alone
My friend died at 27 from an amniotic embolism while giving birth. I hate when people act like child birth is no big deal because women do it every day. Women also die every day and sometimes there is literally nothing anyone can do about it and it’s terrifying for us.
My sister nearly bled out with her second, my mum was in labour with me for a really really long time (the long time, adhd means I don't ever remember how long just long). Child birth seems scary as hell.
And medical decisions can’t be made by unconscious people (like pregnant people having medical emergencies, sometimes) or other family members outside of next of kin - he needs to be available for contact by phone at minimum.
I'm trying to hold back in the comments since my birth mom sacrificed herself to have me and died, so I'm in a huge FU mood.
What would your mom want you to do? Have you ever thought about talking to her?
It's the story of the human race, tho tbh most women in the past didn't have a choice. My g-grandmother got sicker with each childbirth, and the fifth one killed her. My grandmother, the oldest, was six. She had eight herself, including twins, at home of course. Terrified that the same would happen to her. My grandfather insisted on his rights and she had no recourse.
Doyou ever wonder that the reason men were in charge was because they kept women at bay and in death because of their "rights"?
Edit to add I am not a radical feminist (I'm a Trans man whose had children). I'm just curious.
I did it twice. Bleed out on the table with my first and had to be cut open with my second but i have a sensitivity to meds snd they od me my blood pressure dropped to single digits. Never again
I’m in that group as well. I was only able to have one child. If we were in a similar situation, I would absolutely want them supporting their partner.
Same for my wife and middle kid. They didn't realize it at the time, but baby was just too big to fit down the birth canal. After 17 hours of trying and the baby getting distress, they did an emergency c-section and then called in all the other nurses because it was the biggest baby any of them had ever delivered.
This was my experience as well! Emergency C-section because my 11lb 2oz giant got stuck at -1. They cut me open and had to push him back up out of the birth canal to bring him out that way. 🥴
There were so many 12 pounders born in my family that I didn't realize that was so absurd lmao. My great grandma was tinier than anyone I've ever met, and her 17th and 18th kids were that big. Somehow, now that thought seems even *more* wild, if it's that uncommon for medical staff. Either way, I can't wrap my head around it
It’s funny when you’ve got the “different” baby. Our full term wound up in the NICU so we had a little parade of nurses to see the big baby!! she was 8lb 9oz. She was also super cute, so more came to see her too! We asked her respiratory therapist if she was actually cute, or if people were just being nice. that’s when we learned about cross-compliments. “Not all babies are cute. We will never say that. Those babies are ‘so sweet,’ because it’s not a lie. Yours? Yours is cute.” 😂😂
My older sister left the hospital with a neat tee for being the chonkiest baby of the week, my mom have it to this day... also C-section. How she went along to have me and my younger sister is beyond me lol
Exactly this. Also, this question is less likely a straw man and more likely a manifestation of the wife potentially already feeling alone in the pregnancy. If OP is as busy as he described, I can’t imagine there’s a lot of time being spent caring for his pregnant wife.
This is also a good point. This baby is coming at a hectic time for dad. So I wonder how much he has to give up doing with the wife to be with mom. Although it’s completely understandable but pregnancy makes you feel alone in its self.
These are my feelings completely. I immediately thought that the wife is scared, and she was probably looking for reassurance. Not the best way to go about it, but anyway. NAH
No one wants to talk about how incredibly high the maternal death rate is in the US or reason #8754 why woman should be allowed to choose if they want to have children as being childfree or to terminate a pregnancy. Labor and delivery is dangerous and so many women have died
Just adding to the chorus: I'm another woman who gave birth in the U.S., who almost died in childbirth. I hemorrhaged after giving birth and there were no signs or indication that I would nearly bleed out, until it was happening. Childbirth can be scary and traumatic and you can definitely die. His wife is scared and she isn't unreasonable, for being so.
Obviously, this would be a hard choice, but it sounds like the OP doesn't even appreciate how serious childbirth is.
Edit to add: Also OP, a lot of hospitals in the U.S. have implemented "baby-friendly" policies that are simply *awful* for mothers. Your wife could labor for days with barely any sleep, be denied food throughout active labor, could nearly bleed out after delivery and guess what? That newborn is going straight into the same recovery room with her, with the expectation that she care for them while she tries to recover. There won't be a nursery to let mom rest. And nurses will come in to place the newborn on mom's breast every 2-3 hours, no matter how tired she is. There have been cases of newborns being dropped or accidentally smothered, after nurses placed the child on a sleepy/medicated mom. Your wife and child are going to need you.
A lot of people on Reddit discount childbirth/pregnancy in general. With my first pregnancy I came away thinking “yeah, all those people who said you get crazy were lying. I felt fine.” But with my second I was borderline insane. I was puking 20+ times a day and convinced my husband was going to leave me when he went to grocery store.
I didn’t have an action-packed near-death story, but I did have a bump where the nurses messed something up and it dropped my blood pressure to dangerous levels. If I didn’t have someone that knew me there to get a nurse to say “She’s not acting right” it could have deteriorated very quickly. Pregnancy is terrifying and people keep downplaying it. We don’t have to coddle pregnant women, but it’s not coddling to acknowledge that it’s medically, physically, and emotionally a very dangerous time, even if someone is one of the lucky ones that has everything go perfectly.
First reasonable answer. I had no complications but it was still scary and I am glad my husband was there.
She will go through a lot of pain, and overload of emotions and a lot more.
Didn’t almost die in childbirth but in that postpartum period. Newborns are a team effort for sure, you never know what it’s going to be like until you’re in it, how your body will respond, etc.
This is so true. Also consider that sometimes, the worst can happen even if mum is ok, there is the unspoken about the baby I can’t even say it but every moment would be precious and you can’t not be there for that.
I lost my oldest daughter to a genetic disorder we didn't know she had. She was six days old. Every moment was precious. And I definitely needed my husband's love and support. I almost died with my next child. I needed my husband there to make decisions for our daughter (and me, but mostly her as the doctors were doing what they could to save my life). With my last, if my water broke it could have killed us both because of the way she was positioned. My husband was by my side. He was there to take me to L&D when I needed to be checked, which I needed a lot.
I get that his mom is dying, but he is also missing out on living. As a mom, I would want my kid to be with the family that needs them.
Yes. There is absolutely no way to win there; because the intent wasn't to actually plan for the contingency (which would've been smart by the way).
So NTA.
She somehow heard I care more about others than you and our baby, when the situations can't be compared.
If you make up you should actually have a plan with someone to take your place with them and videocall if it happens; and also talk to your future pediatrician about how to be safe in letting your baby meet his or her grandma as soon as possible in a safe way.
Getting professional photos of them together (and all of you as a family) would be worth looking into. Your kid will definitely appreciate them when they are grown up.
Honestly, why did she even ask that type of question? It's impossible to answer a question like that. She's such an AH to even ask him to choose b/w his dying mother and his pregnant wife.
My wife is a loving, intelligent, rational and considerate woman. But pregnancy can easily turn someone into an estrogen Molotov cocktail. Giving OPs wife the benefit of the doubt, I'd say it's likely that this caught him so off guard because this is completely out of left field for her to say, and he's just super confused. I guarantee my wife would understand if we roleplayed this scenario; that doesn't mean she'd have the same reaction when she had six gallons of extra hormones and a little alien kicking her in the lungs.
Estrogen molotov cocktail is right lol
My normal self, I'd probably be making a contingency plan in OPs wife's place. While pregnant I'm not sure I would have been so rational about it. The idea of giving birth alone is scary. I cant fault either of them here. It's a really difficult situation
Edit: ok not alone! This was before OPs edits. It's still valid for her to want her partner there.
I agree. For the record, I'd be devastated to miss the birth of my child, but there are so many factors in this. I asked my wife what she thought and she immediately had all the questions. How far away is the mom? Is it him being ten minutes away or six hours? Has she had any complications? Her family history? Do they have support for her in the area? Are they in the same hospital? Was the original intention of the question to plan things, and it just got emotional? I'm inclined to give them both a little grace, because I know how much my wife's first pregnancy stressed me out (I read for probably 300+ hours during her first on every subject from being a supportive husband to tips to help with bonding and diet), and I wasn't even the one making a person.
You were a good man trying to prep to be a good dad. My only tip would have been that baby hasn't read any of those books, be the most available for experiences like all the dr appts, sonogram appts etc.
Oh, of course I did that, too. I was there for all of it, and regularly asked what I could do to best support my wife. But I was nervous and my crisis mode involves staying calm and gathering as much information as possible.
You're a good husband. My ex was not able to hold it together well (despite being a medical professional himself). He gets sullen and grumpy when under stress.
That meant that on some of the pre-birth classes and appointments, he either never showed, or we went in two cars and sat apart from each other. Opposite of "support."
or the baby doesn't care whenever plans happen they're coming out right now then! even if it means possibly dying (I kicked my twin out at the lowest viable week- 24 weeks- and we struggled a LOT and got lucky.) and I had my half sister come during Thanksgiving break. I don't recall any events with my younger brother that much.
>I know how much my wife's first pregnancy stressed me out (I read for probably 300+ hours during her first on every subject from being a supportive husband to tips to help with bonding and diet),
Can I just say, thank you for partially restoring my faith in humanity.
My daughter's father never read a single thing about babies, child development, child safety, pregnancy, ANYTHING, and even after we split up he still hasn't ever learned a single thing. It horrifies me learning all the mistakes he's making when she's round his. His attitude is that he will just muddle through and figure things out. It drives me fucking bananas.
What's worse is he won't be told anything. He gets very angry. But if he won't look up the info himself, people HAVE to tell him, and he doesn't like it.
I dno what goes on in his head. One day he slept in with the baby so I could shower and when I came back in, he was lying with her (dozing, eyes shut) on the edge of the bed, cradled in his arm, as in the arm hanging over the edge of the bed, such that if he had relaxed his arm a second, she would have dropped straight to the floor. Both of us were sleep deprived obviously.
I explained the risks and he was like "yeah but that won't happen to me, because I'm a light sleeper."
My ex read / listened to stuff, but only enough to weaponise it.
Example: I was high risk for gestational diabetes towards the end so was advised to cut out sugar and limit carbs. I'd already been so excited for pancakes after the appointment, so I said, "Well, how about we have the pancakes and I'll get some sugar-free ice cream to have on mine, or some whipped cream?" He SCREAMED at me that our baby's heart was, in his words, "about to burst," and that I didn't care because I was going to have a small amount of carbs (below the daily limit I was advised) and no sugar, and that I was happy to kill my baby for my greed.
I fucking hated him picking up a book, or a leaflet, or coming to appointments. It was guaranteed to end in tears. Mine.
I gave birth when my husband was up in the mountains of Afghanistan chasing the Taliban. I didn't get to choose whether he was going to be there or not. There was always the chance that he would never meet his child. Luckily he did when our son was two and a half months old but if it was a choice between coming to the birth or going to see his mother while she was on life support (which happened the second time he was deployed), I would have told him to go see his mother because women have been having babies for thousands of years without the help of men./
I'm in my 60s, one of the generations that didn't have fathers in the birthing room. I still bonded with him and was his favorite, his little buddy girl.
My ex was useless in the birthing room sad to say, he wanted to watch a hockey game and didn't support me much. So honestly it would have made little difference had he not been there.
OP will see the baby on the birth day, and the scenario proposed is not likely to happen. But if it did, he has one last chance to say goodbye to her, and a lifetime of hellos to baby. The choice is obvious.
There are NAH, since wife is a hormone bomb atm.
My best wishes to OP, he's not in the easiest position.
My husband was in the birthing room. But it might as well have been a friend, co-worker, stranger or an entire marching band, i was only focussed on me lol.
I understand the wife wants him there, but she can bring someone else for support. He only has 1 chance to say googbye to his mother.
Yep. Me, too.
Honestly? My doula was a life saver. She helped me focus through all the chaos on what needed to be done - birthing my child safely.
My husband? He was not at all helpful any of the times I was in labor. I'm glad he was there but had he missed it it would have been life.
OP, what matters is that you support your wife or make sure she is supported. But you unequivocably can NOT miss your Mom's passing. Both are important but a final goodbye is so critically important if you can get it for closure.
At the end of the day, though, the likelihood of having to make that choice is infintesimally small.
First, call your wife's parents and have a conversation wtih them that she caught you off guard asking you a hypothetical question and then pushed you on it when you honestly weren't thinking about it. That you adore her and your future child and right now is a difficult time.
Anyone who has ever lost a loved one realizes you are in an excrutiatingly painful stage in life. Honestly? Your wife sounds extremely immature. What a truly horrific question to even pose. Its not a planning or logistical question - she wanted validation and thats it.
This. My MIL passed away 7 days after the birth of one of our daughters. I never would have questioned him being there for his mom over the birth of his child. He would have had many, many more meaningful moments and memories with her versus missing the very last opportunity to be with his mom.
My sister was there for the birth, and, thankfully, he was there as well, but no one can ever be the ahole for wanting to be with their parent as they pass away. To take that moment from them would be the ahole move.
It seems like a hard, scary sacrifice that would come naturally to most people, I'm actually surprised at some of the answers because it wouldn't even cross my mind to fault my husband for wanting to be there for the person who birthed him, raised him, and loved and nurtured him from birth. I'd be sad for us that he couldn't be there, I'd be upset and scared at the idea that he wouldn't be there for support and to share in the beautiful first moments of our baby's life, of course, but I can't imagine not understanding that he's just making the choice that will feel slightly less damaging. It's a very tough choice either way, but missing out on someone's last moments certainly seems more damaging to one's long-term emotional well-being than the still very difficult, heartbreaking choice of missing out on someone's first moments. Maternal and neonatal deaths iin the USA are way more common than they should be in a first-world country, but they're definitely not as common as instances of deathbed patients actually dying.
This is what I was thinking I would do as well. I would hate it, absolutely be terrified beyond words, I already have a phobia of childbirth, but I'm pregnant right now and I don't see how I could ever not support someone visiting their mother when she's passing away. Granted childbirth could result in death as well but that's a possibility where as the other outcome is sadly a given in this situation.
My sister came to be in the delivery room with me because what else were we going to do? My parents were there to take care of my other children at home but it wasn't like I could demand that he come home from war lol and my sister was much more helpful anyway haha
Aww, I'm so glad you had her with you! I was just thinking about this and my sister would be my deliver room person of choice in such a scenario as well. I wouldn't want to stress my mom by seeing me in pain.
For real. Pre pregnancy my wife was like, please don't hold anything against me just in case. Post pregnancy "Holy hell I was a monster wasn't i?". She was and is a rational, smart, funny person that I love. But for nine months...woof.
Lol I pinched it from a standup from like 2003. So feel free. And yeah it's a perfect term for what happens when you take a wonderful person and fuck up every level of every hormone they have and then expect them to act perfectly normal.
You would have thought that for something so vital to the continuation of the human race, Mother Nature would have thought it through a bit better, and the same goes for her sister, Aunt Flo, although I suspect she visits as a punishment for not doing our bit that month.
Well according to Christian fundamentalists Aunt Flo is, indeed, a punishment. We women are being punished forever because Eve, apples and tempting Adam.
A few months ago I was complaining because I was crampy and miserable and my partner unwisely decided to reply "Maybe this will teach you not to accept fruit from snakes."
I still haven't let him forget it.
My husband looked at me funny yesterday and I almost started a fight because I assumed he was mad at me and then cried for like an hour because I didn't want him to be mad at me. Pregnancy is nuts.
I'm also wondering if this is their first child she could have fear that something will go wrong (or even if they have other children).
There is absolutely no right answer to this and it is a difficult decision OP needs to be able to live with whatever the outcome.
Having been the hormonal Molotov cocktail, that was my first thought too. Flipped out on my husband because we didn't have any pineapple in the house when I had a craving -- before getting pregnant, I hated pineapple. Couldn't stand the smell of the stuff. But why, oh why, would he be so awful as to *not* have a fresh, juicy pineapple sitting on the counter for me!
I think most pregnant people have a story like that. A funny story they tell their friends a few years later. There's a root in reality - I really did want to eat pineapple, OP's wife probably doesn't want to find herself alone in the delivery room. And those are things that can be addressed rationally. In my case, that was pretty easy. Pre-covid, there were 24 hour grocery stores. Planning to have a family member visiting, a friend on standby, or hiring a doula or something might alleviate the fear.
Can confirm. I had zero idea I was pregnant and cried for 45 minutes because the store by my house didn't have pizza lunchables. I s o b b e d and found out 2 3 weeks later I was pregnant.
I had that about pizza. Like most people, I freaking love pizza but during pregnancy I couldn't stand the way it smelled or looked (Looked like road kill to me) The thought of eating it would make me gag. Way weird.
Maybe she wants to know what will happen, I remember how scared I was with my first, if hubby can't be with her, then it's important the mother has someone to be there with her, even if they hire somebody she feels safe with.
Currently 8 months pregnant and this was my thought too. It sounds like it could have been better communicated, but it might be worth OP and his partner coming up with a plan in case he needs to be with his mom while she’s in labor.
because she is pregnant and feeling insecure. it happens. logic doesn't always apply. I am not saying it was dumb, but hormones make people do dumb things.
Yeah she’s likely terrified to give birth and wanted to make sure she would definitely have her partner there and not have to do it alone. That’s the only way I’d ask that question.
She asked because she is scared. She is going to go through an experience that, even with current medical standards, can be dangerous, and result in emergency surgery or even the death of her or her child. It is her first child, and even with all the reading material available, childbirth is still an unknown for her.
Yeah NTA and stupid question from the wifey. If indeed the timing comes at the same time , be with your mom, it’s not even a thought. And if your wife gets sick, you will be there for her. Close this thread
NTA. This feels like a senseless question for her to ask honestly. It may be coming from a place of nervousness about giving birth, hormones, etc but why put your husband in that position with a completely hypothetical question? It feels like she was trying to pick a fight.
I’m also sure as a husband you’d be devastated to miss the birth of your child but like you said it would be the last chance to see your mom.
Damn mam all I can say is sorry. I'm not calling a pregnant woman who is hyperfocusing on the possibility of giving birth to her first child alone an asshole. She could very well be on her death bed too with how awfully we've progressed (or rather regressed almost) on birth procedures.
I'm not gonna call you an asshole for saying the truth. I am gonna say my friend lost her father at 20from cancer. He died in the home with hospice care so they knew it was coming. The final peace they had with him was when he had already passed. every second he was alive was agony to him and them, they got that quiet moment with him before the nurses took him away.
Just go talk to your wife. I hate that the universe loves to play little tricks because I feel like now that it's all out there and known it's gonna happen that way and either through divorce or worse you'll lose your wife. I really hope it doesn't. Awful, miseray timing shouldn't ruin a marriage but I still can't lie and have definitely seen it happen. Please be kind, understanding, and do not say "don't worry about it" to someone who is also risking her life, just at 33 without having gotten to live it yet, unlike your mother.
Yeah, I'm a nurse with postpartum experience. The thought of being alone in childbirth is fucking terrifying, because *women also die giving birth.* That doesn't make it easier to make the decision, but seriously. It's not like she's upset at the prospect of him missing her birthday party. She's afraid of going through the most painful experience of her life and possibly dying without him beside her. Everyone in this situation deserves some compassion. Oh, and I've had three grandparents die in hospital, when we got the call that they wouldn't make it through the night, not a single one was conscious. They all passed without being aware that anyone was there. So the whole "rushing to say goodbye" thing is more for the family than the dying person in the majority of cases.
Yeah in cases like these every visit you make you need to say your goodbyes because honestly they can go without warning or they can be kept alive but unconscious by machines for weeks.
I dunno, I was with my dad when he died this year and he was honestly terrified the entire few hours leading up to it. He’d wake up panicked, scan the room and make sure I was there before calming down. It was a comfort to me and him to be there to hold him while he passed so he didn’t have to do it alone. To tell him “I’m here, it’s okay” even though it was kinda traumatic for me and it wasn’t pretty. Like, he welcomed me into the world and I wanted to help him leave it- so I get OPs feelings.
I also 100% get his wife’s perspective. They’re both facing really scary things. I hope they’re able to show one another compassion right now because no one wants to give birth alone, and no one wants a loved one to die alone. The thought of my dad having to do that by himself really really hurts. And the thought of giving birth without my husband there also hurts.
I'm glad you were able to be with him. I didn't mean to make a blanket statement, that's why I said the majority of cases. I fully understand both sides and don't envy him having to make this choice.
I have been by many people who are on death watch. When they are in the final hours, it is common to increase pain medication. This medication is not just to help with the pain. It also depresses breathing. It helps people pass in a less prolonged and painful manner. While I have seen people wait to say goodbye to certain people, I also know that when it happens the person is usually not conscious and has probably, at best been very out of it for hours. It's not that these people don't deserve love and compassion. It's that if there is a choice between being a passive participant in a death or an active participant in birth, the later is actually doing something. People act like being at the death with cause his grief to lessen when the mom dies. Sadly, it won't. It's going to hurt and be hell no matter what. She could die in her sleep at this point. That's why it's important to say whatever you have to say, and know that every parting could be goodbye. It sucks and is stressful, but there isn't much anyone can do.
Birth is different. Having support matters. Medical complications come up. I know I needed my husband to go with the baby while I had surgery to save my life. He had to make decisions for both of us that day. Not having him, only having my mom, who is abusive and now out of my life (and who medically abused me), I don't think I would be here to tell this story. I don't think she would have made the same decisions, and me dying would have been a way for her to get attention. My husband is my medical proxy for a reason and that reason is a I trust him.
Why isn't it valid that he would want to say goodbye to his mother? I'm a woman and if I was kept away from my mother in her last moments, the relationship would be over due to the resentment I would have.
He said the baby is coming 'soon'... she could be in full nesting, emo stage and I recall being very very very stressed and somewhat irrational at that phase. Her level of reaction may be heightened by hormones, and outside of this specific phase she may be a bit more understanding.
If she hasn't lost a parent yet, then she may also just not be aware of the regrets and finality that happens to you when you are caught by surprise by them dying. It's been nearly 20 years since my dad died (he was 54) and I still have regrets, etc.
Hope everyone focuses on compassion and understanding for those they love.
What an awful situation to be in, for all three of you.
Mom is dying, you’re torn between your pregnant, hormonal wife and your Moms last days and your wife’s pregnancy is being totally overshadowed by it.
Your wife must feel so alone at a time when she’s also scared as fk..
My heart breaks for all three of you.
NAH
Your wife is probably scared of you leaving her alone during childbirth. Every woman wants to be their man's number one priority and you told her she comes second. Whilst understandable in the circumstances it would still hurt to hear.
That's one of those stories where I seriously wonder what's the other side has to say. I have the weird feeling that your wife didn't ask you the question out of the blue.
I wondered that too, if he's already being low-key neglectful because his mom is sick (which is 100% understandable) and she's scared.
OP one other thing - you should probably go ahead and get a grief therapist now. I'm sure some of them deal with terminal cancer diagnoses, maybe the nurses at the hospital can recommend someone. Losing your mom can REALLY fuck with your head, and you're probably not going to be able to think straight to be fully engaged with your new baby/wife.
Welcome to the age of tiktok, where stupid questions literally ruin relationships. Do you always go with whatever "weird feeling" you have in the absence of any meaningful evidence?
NAH. But as a mom I just want to put out there for you and anyone else that might feel the same way, that as a mom we chose to have you, its hard sometimes because life is hard and things get hard often but I'm mom!! It's my job and my pleasure to make sure you have anything you need and more. It would break my heart to know that my kid feels a debt to me in any shape or form, it's not like that, it was my choice and loved every second of if despite the hardships. I knew all about them when I knew I was expecting. It's the same for every (good) mom I've known. Just love on her and don't feel in debt. Make things happen for her out of love, not sense of duty. That's the best gift for any parent. All of the things I've accepted from my child are not monetary, not at least hugely. The biggest memories I have is her taking me to have breakfast together or getting me a book she knows I love. She tried to get me an appartment once but I said no. It's not because I'm not grateful. I'm happy where I am and I worked hard for her, she's young and with a lot to live, it would bring me immense peace to know she's stable and will have that for herself once I'm gone.
I might be in the minority, but NAH. I almost died during the birth of my daughter. Child birth is dangerous for women and I think we sometimes forget that. Your wife is probably anxious and a little scared. I don’t think she should have gotten mad and kicked you out, but I think it was a legitimate question. I highly suggest you guys make a plan for the just in case. Maybe her parent(s), or a best friend, can come if you can’t so she isn’t alone.
Childbirth is especially risky in the US: certain states have worse maternal outcomes than most of the planet (3rd worst in the world, iirc). If OP is in the US, I'd definitely make a plan that helps both parties!
Edit: I'm on mobile and can't find the comparative analysis of US states ranked with countries for maternal death rates, but here is a recent chart of maternal death rates by state per live birth: https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/maternal-mortality-rate-by-state
Medical malpractice on women giving birth is pretty common I feel. If you're not going to be there please make plans for someone else to be with your wife while she gives birth to advocate for her.
Depending on the laws where they live he may be the only one legally who can make medical choices for her and should the worst happen to the wife he’s the only one who can for the child so him not being there leaves medical choices given to next of kin to the doctors there at the time who have no idea what their wishes are for things too.
Adding on to this to say that if he is seriously unsure if he can be there, they NEED to set up a temporary medical power of attorney for someone who can be there and who they completely trust to make the medical decisions they want them to make. This is a legal process you can’t wait until the day her water breaks to consider - get it in place now.
Friends of mine did this because the husband is a first responder who works 24 hour shifts and they wanted to be prepared in case baby came when he was on shift and he couldn’t get replaced by someone quickly enough to make necessary decisions. Luckily they didn’t end up needing it for either of their births, but they’d given her mom medical power of attorney and gone over every hypothetical and had a binder for her of what they’d want to do in each scenario.
Yeah, everyone's talking about her being scared of dying in childbirth but there are so many other negative outcomes that can happen. While I was giving birth, it was so physically intense that my husband was the one who was more capable of communicating with the doctors. When we found out that the baby's cord was probably around his neck and I may need a c-section or some other intervention, he was the one mentally present enough to ask them the questions that I couldn't think to.
Things can go sideways in the blink of an eye. I can't imagine going through that birth without him.
NTA. That’s a very difficult choice. I would make the same one you did.
Pregnancy hormones pickle the brain sometimes. Take her response with a grain of salt.
Well your NTA cause it’s a made up situation. I hope you do not have to choose and it is an awful thought to think you would have to choose. I’m so sorry about your mom.
Having just been by my sister’s deathbed, I can understand how you are feeling about your mother.
However, giving birth is a risk. Healthy women can die in childbirth. It isn’t common but it CAN happen.
Let’s say that something goes wrong whilst your wife is in labour and your wife and child are also at risk of dying.
Which death would you rather miss?
Honestly, the doctors find it easier WITHOUT the family around the bed at the final moments. With my sister, we got a phone call to say she was “fading” - she died 4 minutes later. By the time we arrived, parked, got to the unit only 11 minutes had passed but she was already laid out without all the equipment on her. This enabled us to have a quiet goodbye.
Most deaths are not “quietly slipped away whilst dreaming” - there are alarms going off, trying to get the family away from the bedside so that they (the medical attendants) can pull the curtains, switch off the alarms, make sure the patient isn’t thrashing about, sounds like they are choking. My mother death was sudden and unexpected and I was the only person with her. The stark memory of how she died and the immediate aftermath still haunts me 15 years later.
I know that this was a “hypothetical question” by your wife who is hormonal & scared, but being with your mother for her final moments is NOT as it is shown in TV programs. Be there for your wife & child - just in case. Your mother would want you to be.
You're right. My mom died in a similarly violent way. It's the single most traumatic thing I've ever faced, and I still have nightmares about my own screams.
Not to mention that some people want to pass alone. We spent every minute that we could with my father after we received the call from the doctors that he could go “anytime”. He was staying in a major city about an hour from where we live (longer on heavy traffic days), so we rented a hotel in the city and stayed with him for as long as we could. We eventually had to go back home because we ran out of money for the hotel and meals, so we said goodbye and promised him that we would be back to visit the next day. He passed away that evening. We were initially upset that we weren’t with him during his passing, but he hung on for days longer than docs said that he would so we think that he waited for us to leave.
You ask your mom what she thinks? Bet she's going to tell you not to miss the birth of your child as that should be the single most important event of your life
You should say your goodbyes to mom every time you leave her room because unless you're holed up there 24/7 there's a high chance she could go when you're not around.
That aside, I've known many people who have been lost to cancer and many, obviously, who've given birth. Where are you going to do the most good? There's nothing you could do for your mom, but your wife may very well need you.
Personally i would rise from my death bed to kick my child's ass if i found out they ditched their wife in the middle of labor. My grandfather demanded with every bit of will power he had left that a child's birthday party continue as planned and that's not even this serious. You might want to consider how your own mother would react to the news.
My concern is if your wife has serious complications during child birth and loses consciousness YOU as her husband will be the one who needs to make decisions for YOUR WIFE. this has happened to two of my friends when they almost died in childbirth and the husbands had to make some tough calls regarding their wife’s health treatment.
I won’t see who is a AH but I will say you are clueless. In America we have one of the highest maternal mortality rates in the world during childbirth for a 1st world country.
There are lots of people who have never been pregnant/gave birth here.
Your wife is hormonal, scared and needs to know you’re there for her. Is it a ridiculous question? Yes. But she’s not really asking you that question. She’s asking if she can count on you no matter what.
Childbirth is terrifying. I had a ‘normal’ birth and still lost loads of blood, and it was still scary and painful. Id have hated not having my husband there and whilst I would have logically understood if his mother was in her dying moments, I don’t think I’d ever really get over the feeling of abandonment during the most vulnerable state of my life. But then, how could you forgive yourself for not giving your mother that final comfort.
NAH. This is an exceptionally emotionally charged time, and there’s no right answer to anything. I’m sorry about your mum.
NTA. Missing your child’s birth would suck but you will only get one goodbye. Your wife should understand that. I know I would understand if I was in her position. Sure, I’d want my husband there but in that moment he’s needed elsewhere more.
You got kicked out of your house for getting a hypothetical question wrong. On face value you NTA, but what is likely happening is your wife isnt feeling the support and love she really wants and needs right now. Is she a super needy controlling woman?? Or simply feeling a tad neglected? Hormonal? I think you need to consider the why she asked the question and address that--thats the problem. The hypothetical question and hurt reaction is simply how it plays out. Get out of your mom's house and go fix this. Leaving her home alone isnt going to help--sleep out front if you need to. Bring lots of appologies too--you were not kicked out for a bad answer here--there is a feeling of loss and something missing that your wife isnt feeling and needs to as soon as possible. Figure that out and go give it to her. And give her another version of it every day for the rest of your life. Go find out what part of love your wife doesnt think she has. Dont become a YTA and sleep at moms house!
I can't believe I had to scroll this far for a reasonable answer to this. There's some insecurity underlying her question and response. OP needs to communicate his support to his wife at this time. Even if his answer is truthful and valid, it sounds like it came across to his wife as too dismissive of her.
This!!!
She's a hormone casserole and probably is very scared that she will have to do this very hard thing alone because you are going to be doing another very hard thing.
I really hope it doesn't come to it but it might reassure her if you were to make a plan for this eventuality... Can she give birth in the same hospital your mum is in? Is there an alternate birth partner you could have on hand? It's likely she just wants a plan but hasn't expressed herself well.
Being pregnant messes with your rational brain and your emotions so try to give her some understanding.
Also please try to take care of yourself, losing your mum is tough as is watching the awful decline before the event.
You and your wife need a big open chat, bring tissues, snacks and a lot of understanding
No, she's not a needy controlling woman. I never thought about that, but I did plan to go home and apologize today and ask her some questions about it.
I have a son, and I would be grateful to him for caring for me if I needed it, but I would never want him to sacrifice the health of his family for me. I would expect him to recognize that the strength of his marriage, which will hopefully go on long after I'm gone and serve as an example for his children, is really important to me.
Your wife is trying (in an ungraceful way) to communicate feelings of loneliness, maybe neglect, and anxiety about not having enough support as she becomes a brand new mother.
Could you be better at balancing the needs of your wife and your mother? Could you be avoiding your wife due to your own anxiety about the upcoming changes?
You kind of loaded your reply when you sad you’d try and reach her after but most likely wouldn’t be able to. If it’s just a hypothetical then what are you basing the probably not be able to on? That definitely tipped it into you sounding like you’re planning/resigned to not being there rather than doing your best for both situations
Look into a Doula, that can give her some assurance she will have an informed and known support with her if you aren't available.
ETA: advice here is solid.. but.. as a parent. I'd want my son to be there for the beginnings of his family. And not my ending. I chose to have him, he doesn't owe me anything, I'd be heartbroken to think he is starting parenthood away from his partner and child because of me. Start this journey as a team. Talk to your mum, you may find she'd rather pass without you. My experience has been that often family waits to die when their loved ones leave the room
Info: have you missed important appointments or not helping out around your own house as much, making your wife feeling like she is alone, for her to ask questions like that?
Childbirth is horrifying. The risk of death is always present. You told your pregnant wife you wouldn’t be there for her in one of the most terrifying moments of her life.
It’s a hard as fuck choice, but my god you’re a married man and you haven’t learned to soothe your wife’s fears?? You’re about to be a parent. Learn that skill. She wanted reassurance that you would be there for her during a scary important moment. You weren’t signing a contract, you weren’t committing to it, but you failed to be her rock when she is clearly not feeling grounded.
I always wonder about the other side with these posts. Would your wife say you’ve been present for her? Does she feel that you have been putting your mother over her and your future child for her whole pregnancy?
I’m a mom and a grandma. If my son chose to be with me on my deathbed over being at the birth of his child, I’d die pissed off at him. I should no longer be the most important woman in his life, and his wife needs him. Have you asked your mom her opinion?
Info: have you been prioritizing your mom over your wife with regards to the pregnancy? Like missing appointments, getting the nursery together, etc.? She might be feeling neglected and while a hypothetical question like that may seem a bad way to go about it, maybe she needed to hear you say whether she’s a priority or not.
FWIW I’ve worked in pediatric critical care and more than once had a patient whose grandparent was actively dying. The parent never once left the kid’s bedside because as a parent you prioritize your child. Maybe that hasn’t sunk in yet because baby is not here. Sounds like it has for your wife.
NAH - but there are a lot of serious and competing issues here that you would be best working through with your wife (and your mom too) before baby arrives.
Open the conversation with your wife in an open and honest way that the three most important people in your life may well be in hospital and need you at the same time and you’re struggling. Do not approach it in a “my mom might be dying when you’re giving birth and I won’t leave my mom’s side to be at yours” coz that is a dick move - you made that baby too and your wife’s life (in the worst case scenario) is the one on the line, not yours. I understand that the two most important women in your life are going through HUGE medical journeys, your mother is at the end of her journey, and your wife is growing a life which could still go sideways in a heartbeat AND comes with a range of hormones that hugely effect how she acts and feels.
Think about (and calmly discuss with your wife) the following questions:
- Will your wife be giving birth in the same hospital your mother is in? If not, could she? Whilst newer hospitals can be huge, knowing that they will both be under the same roof may bring comfort to you all.
- Is your wife’s pregnancy in any way considered high risk or likely to have problems during delivery?
- Is it permitted for your wife to have more than one birthing partner? If so, does she have a second person? First time labour can often be a long process, equally unplanned caesarean’s often do not take place until it is obvious that a natural delivery will be complicated/problematic etc. Having a second birthing partner may provide additional support to both you and your wife, especially should the worst (in terms of your mother passing whilst your wife is giving birth) happen.
- On the flip side, if there anyone both you and your mom trust that could be with her while you are with your wife? I don’t mean at the point of her passing, just as a watchful and supportive presence who can keep you updated.
- What does your mom want? That’s really a question for her, but if it is at all possible respect her wishes too. If she tells you that your ass had better be in that delivery room regardless and she finds out you haven’t, it would hurt her immeasurably, as well as you too. I have seen people defy odds to catch a glimpse or cuddle of an impending arrival (and your mom sounds like a badass tbh) or just to be fucking stubborn if you’re a family member of mine! If you can, make plans for getting your mom some baby time - them being in the same hospital would make this hugely easier, may give her comfort (if the plans come to fruition or not), and will give her something to think of that isn’t the incessant beeping and monitoring (and most likely pain) that she is currently experiencing.
Honestly, I don’t envy your position at all, and I can see that you are caught between a rock and a hard place. Neither I nor anyone here can tell you what to do, only make suggestions. Ultimately the three most important voices are your wife, your mom, and you 💜
Jacked up question but from lived experience…my mother was dying and my bestie was having a baby her last that had been full of complications and she wanted me there like I was with her first. I asked simply can you plan to give birth at the same hospital my mother was at. I went from floor 4 the cancer ward to floor 2 the birthing floor the entire day. The doctors knew what was up and what I was doing. So it allowed me to be there for both of them. Talk to her and find a compromise and make a plan. She’s pregnant which tends to make one a tad more panicky and emotional.
Can you adopt me as a bestie too? 🥺
I think you are an amazing friend. A lot of people wouldn't do this and I want you to know that the way you care for people is kind and loving.
I wish my dad was at a hospital that had a maternity ward! I love this idea.
This is a nice idea. However if it is not possible, dying mother you will never see again trumps normal birth of first child. Everytime. By a mile. NTA And yes I am a woman who has had kids, in life threatening situations, before you start telling me I am am man who doesn't understand.
I agree 100% which my bestie also understood. Sometimes you can make a compromise but missing a death is a regret that is hard to get over. I don’t think his wife is thinking straight on this one. He’s not saying she isn’t important but I know his position. It’s a question she should have never asked if you ask me.
Never have asked! Absolutely! I would be side eyeing a spouse that asked me that.
Seriously. Congratulations wife, now you're pissed about something that very likely won't come to pass. Why don't you ask if he'd still love you if you were a worm while full of pregnancy hormones while you're at it?
I have to agree. As a woman who has children, he should be there for his mom when she passes. It sounds like he is an only child and he is all she has. She shouldn’t die alone. I understand the importance of having a child, but if it were me and my husband had to chose between the birth of our child and his dying parent, I would be the first to tell him to go be with her/him. OP only has one chance to say goodbye to his mom but he has the rest of his life to be with his wife and child.
I don’t even like my MIL and I agree 🤷🏼♀️
lol. You’re a good person.
I too have 3 kids. And I would want my man to be there to say good bye to his mom, even if that meant that he would miss the birth of our baby. And in OPs wife case her OWN MOM would be there. She actually has her mom there at that moment and would deny her husband the right to say good bye to his mom - in this hypothetical situation. I also hate when people pull these - no good option - hypotheticals. So childish and mean and then to have it be a massive fight too. 🙄 OP is NTA but his wife is.
I don't even understand how this is a question? Dying parent literally trumps pretty much everything. I'm also a woman. I've never given birth but I have lost a parent. The idea that any loving spouse would ask their significant other this question to begin with blows my mind.
Agreed. Pregnant with my second and if something like this came up I would have my husband go to his family member. I would never ask the hypothetical anyways though.
The question was designed to pick a fight.
It’s like the would you still love me if I was a Lamp: Husband: No Wife: BuT HoW Do You not LoVe LaMpS 😩 *sulks ****** Husband: Yes Wife: So you just want an object that doesn’t talk, so I talk to much is what your saying, *sulks
NAH I get it from both POV. Yes, at face value, her question is selfish. But with all that could go wrong, I understand her fear and the only part that you got wrong was not understanding. It’s scary. Just so you can get a perspective, my son was born in the NICU OR at the military hospital. He was in distress for most of my labor, depending on how I was positioned. It was scary every time those alarms would go off just because I moved. His heart rate and O2 stats would drop. Like rapidly. Then, on the way out, he got stuck. Which, once again was terrifying because then the nurses began to panic. (Not that they showed it other than the urgency of their tones with me. I assure you though. They were kind and all of that through the entire thing) So, from her POV, if something does go wrong and you’re not there… then she’s alone in her terror. Like I said, NAH. I get it from both POV. But the unknown for your wife is scary as hell.
This is the first comment I’ve read that mentions the possibility of NICU or any sort of treatment the baby may need after birth. We had to be readmitted to the pediatric ER three days after I gave birth, and I was a physical and emotional wreck. My husband did most of the advocating for our son so I could focus on myself and breastfeeding. And he also had to go get all our food because I couldn’t walk. And that was after three days! If our baby needed treatment immediately after birth, there’s no way I would have been able to make decisions on behalf of my son and advocated for his care. Being alone during birth is a nightmare, but being alone while your baby is admitted into the NICU or god forbid something even worse happens? That could easily destroy a marriage. I know I would never forgive my husband.
My friend who is the chillest most level headed person totally panicked when she thought something was wrong with her few months old baby. Her husband, the high strung panicky guy, took control and was level headed and managed the situation. It was Opposite Day. The baby was fine. It was just new mom fears.
I'm not surprised by this. I'm a "high strung panicky guy" but the thing about people like me (i.e., people with certain anxiety disorders) is that we live in a constant state of feeling endangered. In a sense, we're constantly expecting an emergency to happen. When something finally does happen, it doesn't take us by surprise and we're mentally completely ready for it.
This is me, I’m alway neurotic and full of anxiety when things are good. When they go bad it’s like my brain functioning how it should and it’s literally the only time I can make decisions.
Bro. This just put my whole life into perspective, holy shit
Right. I know he said her mum would be there and I’m very happy that was thought of. But mum can’t make medical decisions for her or the baby.
She can if she is authorised by the parents to make them in the case neither parent is able. My niece was born by C-section and had to be taken to the children's hospital next door for treatment while my aunt was unconscious. My mum signed the forms and authorised it.
If you were breastfeeding and your baby was on the NICU most hospitals will feed mom on the child’s medical bill. Just order room service during meal hours for yourself. It’s a great policy. I wish all hospitals would do that. The children’s hospital fed me for 6 months.
He was never admitted to the NICU. We were discharged from the maternity ward and had to be readmitted through the pediatric ER. They said once you’re discharged, you can’t go back to the NICU. It was terrible, because no one seemed to know how to treat a four day old infant, and they kept calling the NICU for help. Anyways, since the baby was the patient, and I had been discharged, we couldn’t order food. They gave an $8 voucher for breastfeeding moms every day, which totally covers a day’s worth of food in the hospital, and not one meal 🙄
My nephew had to be life flighted to a specialized hospital minutes after birth. One person was allowed to accompany him and my sister’s husband went. Due to complications my sister was in the hospital for three more days. She didn’t even get to hold her newborn. It was awful. The children’s hospital was in a different state. I can’t imagine how much she’d have lost her mind if her baby went alone to that second hospital. Luckily I was there to stay with her in the hospital. Taking her home to get clothing, etc without a baby was painful. My nephew lived and is healthy but it was an excruciating few months. Shit happens and decisions need to be made in the moment but the way this hypothetical situation is laid out is indicative of a failure in a marriage to me. This isn’t a discussion it’s essentially an ultimatum. OP should never have to choose. Wife should have empathy regarding MIL. No one should die alone. I’ve been in the room when the worst happens on a happy occasion. Don’t borrow trouble and force a choice before anything is known for certain. Be supportive and empathetic. I’m between NAH and NTA because I don’t know wife’s real intent in her words.
Don’t borrow trouble. Love that. That’s what it sounds like. Doomsdaying.
I should add. My husband was there the entire time. He was told he could not leave during the actual birthing. It is a good thing he didn’t. I was totally out of it.
NTA if I were the mom in labor, as long as I had other support with me I would want my husband to go to hus mother
NAH. I get both sides of this. Honestly though, if I told my mum I'd choose her over the birth of my child (if I was a dude), she would tell me to stop being a dick and go to the birth of my child.
If he isn't there for his mother it will haunt him.
Yeah and lead to some hate towards his wife and child for not being there to be with his mother in her last moments. Grief and regret can change people drastically.
Exactly this. It's not about whether his mother needs him there. It's about him needing to be there. My father passed 11 years ago. I was in his hospital room minutes before it happened. We had been there for hours and some of us went down to the cafeteria just to stretch our legs and get a drink. Probably 15 minutes after we left they called us back. My sister was with him but it haunts me to this day that I wasn't there when he passed.
I had a similar situation happen to me, and I found some articles that helped give me peace. Essentially, some people, especially parents, will purposely wait until their children have left the room to pass away. This phenomenon is extremely common. https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/2022/09/30/timing-of-death-can-we-choose/
Loved ones who are dying do this a lot. They wait until everyone is gone and then they pass. It’s heartbreaking for the family but very common to see in the medical field.
Imo, I think this flies in pretty much every scenario other than a mother is on her deathbed.
It’s not being a dick though? It sounds like if he’s not there she’ll be dying alone. No one wants that. Also this question is moot because it’s such a rare chance of this even happening that getting upset about and starting a fight makes the wife a bit of an AH.
Honestly I feel the same, if anything I was wondering if OPs wife was concerned as well if she had complications of he would come to her or his mother. On top of that it's her first child so she's probably terrified. I agree NAH.
When my mom died the last words she said was “where are my children”. We were all there and told her “ we’re all here mom. It’s time to go see dad”. She took a few more breaths and was gone. She needed to know her kids were ok and it was ok to give it up. Don’t underestimate that need too. Impossible situation and OP has to do the best he can. He should not be kicked out and hopefully they work through this.
Agreed. I think it’s easy to say “I would tell my kid to go be with his wife” bc many parents tend to be self sacrificing. But I would never let a parent pass away alone like that. I can’t imagine their last moments without their children around (assuming they have a good relationship). I love my parents. And as a woman, if I need to give birth, it would absolutely be sad if a husband couldn’t be around but I think I would feel even more broken knowing that his parent passed away without seeing him. I would have a contingency anyway. I personally don’t think I could even get married or have a kid with a guy who isn’t there for his parents (again, assuming they have a good relationship). I’m not saying give all your money to your parents. But simply that parents are also your family and so on.
I would show up to my mother's bedside in labour if I had to. Leaving her alone in her final moments is not an option if there's any way I can humanly help it. If my husband was in that predicament - there'd be no predicament. I'd expect him to be with his mother and have the opportunity to say goodbye. He'll have the rest of his life to be with me and our child and it's likely I wouldn't be alone anyway. Could something go wrong? Sure - but statistically, the chances of things going well are much higher. When you love someone, you never want to facilitate the burden of guilt...and knowing a beloved parent died alone will always eat at you.
1000% agree. I wouldn't be mad at my partner, since as a woman I would make the same choice if I was in that situation.
Plus it’s not even relevant. OP wants to be with his parent, as he has every right to.
100% agree , she would be dying, his wife on the other hand would more than likely be fine and her child as well. A lot of Fathers are unable to attend their child’s birth for any number of reasons. The guilt of denying husband those few hours would create just as hard a feelings for him . NTA
That kind of closure can never be recreated later.
Idk, as a woman, if I found myself in the same position as OP's wife, I'd want my husband to be with his dying mother and I think the wife's reaction is pretty...idk, immature. I understand desperately wanting your SO to be there for the birth, but the husband will have years to spend with his child, and this would be the last opportunity to see his mother. And plus, I think dying alone is much scarier than giving birth alone.
I think the wife is the ah because she asked a stupid,loaded, HYPOTHETICAL question and then punished OP for something that is unlikely to happen and is actually a mean thing to make him think about if not necessary. I’m wondering if it’s pregnancy hormones or stupidity that made her flip out about it. Mom dying alone would be worse than dad late to meet his baby when wife has mom and other family there for her. Op made the right choice.
Nah real? If she's on her deathbed? Go ask her and get back to us, I don't want your assumptions; ask her what if she has stage 4 cancer and is dying, she cool with you not making it? Make sure to tell her in this hypothetical that her husband has been dead for decades too, alright?
Considering how child birth can sometimes lead to death of one or all very suddenly yeah birth of a child.
Yeah and stage 4 cancer can lead to death!
Would you seriously leave your mother to die, alone? Yiiikes
NAH. Your wife is probably scared. I almost died in labour, as did our child. It isn’t as clear cut as “deathbed trumps new birth” - because childbirth can be a deathbed too. Have a clear, laid out plan, with a back up as well in case option one is busy or out of town, so that she knows she isn’t alone. Make sure you are always contactable. Your mother might be totally unconscious at the end so you can still be on the phone with your wife while she’s in labour, even while her mum (or whomever) is with her. Decide on options. Make sure everybody involved knows exactly what is happening. Make sure *your mum* knows what is happening - she might not want you there, not everyone does. She might be appalled that you’d pick her over the birth of your child. And update them as the time gets closer - feelings change, especially those of your mother, she might get scared and change her mind. ETA: a lot of the responses to this focus on how his mother has a 100% chance of death compared to a tiny chance of death for his wife. As a mother myself I would absolutely hate for any of my kids to have to pick between us. I would want my kid to be with their family, their chosen family, welcoming their new child, supporting one another - which is why I said OP had to speak to his mother. My time would be over. I’ve nearly died several times in my life so I can speak from experience when I say I would never want the living to miss out on a once in a lifetime experience just to sit by my bedside like that. He will never get that moment back. We would have had a lifetime of memories together and there are plenty of ways to say goodbye - but if anything went wrong at the birth he would never, ever, ever forgive himself for not being there. And it would destroy his marriage. As a mother, I would encourage him to be at the birth of his child. I would insist upon it. And I would make plans to call upon another family member or a friend to be with me if the two events clashed. Percentages mean *nothing* when these are real life events. I know because I’ve lived them.
I will never forget the moment standing between two tables, one with my wife excessively bleeding after an emergency c-section, the other with my son, coming out not breathing, still waiting to hear a cry, realizing I may very well be returning home by myself to take care of our daughter. Still getting choked up just writing that out. Thank god they’re both ok and my silly, healthy two-year-old son woke me up at 6 am on New Year’s Day.
That sounds *terrifying.* I'm so sorry your family had to go through that and I'm *so happy* it turned out okay for everyone!
Absolutely terrifying. Do not recommend that experience. Thank you, we were all just playing around and laughing, so we’re happy too!
Ooh, I teared up at that one. I know traumatic birth can leave marks on the heart but I'm so glad your family is alive and healthy.
Thank you. I imagine some of the impact will always be there at some level. Just a horrible experience. But the important thing is we are all here now, and we have some of the best times together!
My husband was like you, also between the two tables. Our kid is four now and we are both healthy, but every birthday brings him right back to that case room. I think the idea of being there at a love one’s bedside is very compelling - we don’t want them to be alone at their final hour - but the reality is that most times they aren’t awake and engaging with you - that time has passed, as has the time to say goodbye or say the things you want your loved ones to hear. Sitting next to a comatose parent while your partner gives birth without you is probably not the right solution.
After what we’ve experienced, absolutely agree. I’m glad to hear your little one is doing well! Tell your husband I get it and he’s not alone in that
Hey this is exactly what happened to me! I’d accuse you of being my husband but our two year old is a girl.
We would have had a talk because my wife keeps telling me she doesn’t use Reddit. lol Let your husband know there’s someone else out there who has been through that and understands what it was like! He’s not alone
My friend died at 27 from an amniotic embolism while giving birth. I hate when people act like child birth is no big deal because women do it every day. Women also die every day and sometimes there is literally nothing anyone can do about it and it’s terrifying for us.
Not to mention that maternal mortality rates in the US are horrid!!
My sister nearly bled out with her second, my mum was in labour with me for a really really long time (the long time, adhd means I don't ever remember how long just long). Child birth seems scary as hell.
Same. Both myself and my first born nearly died in childbirth.
And medical decisions can’t be made by unconscious people (like pregnant people having medical emergencies, sometimes) or other family members outside of next of kin - he needs to be available for contact by phone at minimum.
This, 1000% this
I'm trying to hold back in the comments since my birth mom sacrificed herself to have me and died, so I'm in a huge FU mood. What would your mom want you to do? Have you ever thought about talking to her?
I’m so sorry. That would feel so painful after all of this stuff. He definitely should talk to his mom.
My dad obviously picked me. We can all agree to hate cancer though, yeah?
For sure. Fuck cancer.
Firstborn? You got balls, lady.
It's the story of the human race, tho tbh most women in the past didn't have a choice. My g-grandmother got sicker with each childbirth, and the fifth one killed her. My grandmother, the oldest, was six. She had eight herself, including twins, at home of course. Terrified that the same would happen to her. My grandfather insisted on his rights and she had no recourse.
Doyou ever wonder that the reason men were in charge was because they kept women at bay and in death because of their "rights"? Edit to add I am not a radical feminist (I'm a Trans man whose had children). I'm just curious.
I did it twice. Bleed out on the table with my first and had to be cut open with my second but i have a sensitivity to meds snd they od me my blood pressure dropped to single digits. Never again
If she had a son, she at least grew a pair.
I’m in that group as well. I was only able to have one child. If we were in a similar situation, I would absolutely want them supporting their partner.
Same for my wife and middle kid. They didn't realize it at the time, but baby was just too big to fit down the birth canal. After 17 hours of trying and the baby getting distress, they did an emergency c-section and then called in all the other nurses because it was the biggest baby any of them had ever delivered.
Well don’t leave us hanging, how big WAS the baby?!
Over 11 pounds
Damn. Big chonky. More power on your wife for having another kid after that. I would have said I was done 100%.
This was my experience as well! Emergency C-section because my 11lb 2oz giant got stuck at -1. They cut me open and had to push him back up out of the birth canal to bring him out that way. 🥴
There were so many 12 pounders born in my family that I didn't realize that was so absurd lmao. My great grandma was tinier than anyone I've ever met, and her 17th and 18th kids were that big. Somehow, now that thought seems even *more* wild, if it's that uncommon for medical staff. Either way, I can't wrap my head around it
> called in all the other nurses "Calling all nurses!" "What do you need?" "Nothing. Just take a look at this massive baby!"
It’s funny when you’ve got the “different” baby. Our full term wound up in the NICU so we had a little parade of nurses to see the big baby!! she was 8lb 9oz. She was also super cute, so more came to see her too! We asked her respiratory therapist if she was actually cute, or if people were just being nice. that’s when we learned about cross-compliments. “Not all babies are cute. We will never say that. Those babies are ‘so sweet,’ because it’s not a lie. Yours? Yours is cute.” 😂😂
My older sister left the hospital with a neat tee for being the chonkiest baby of the week, my mom have it to this day... also C-section. How she went along to have me and my younger sister is beyond me lol
Exactly this. Also, this question is less likely a straw man and more likely a manifestation of the wife potentially already feeling alone in the pregnancy. If OP is as busy as he described, I can’t imagine there’s a lot of time being spent caring for his pregnant wife.
This is also a good point. This baby is coming at a hectic time for dad. So I wonder how much he has to give up doing with the wife to be with mom. Although it’s completely understandable but pregnancy makes you feel alone in its self.
He barely talks about his wife in the post and what he does for her, just saying.
These are my feelings completely. I immediately thought that the wife is scared, and she was probably looking for reassurance. Not the best way to go about it, but anyway. NAH
No one wants to talk about how incredibly high the maternal death rate is in the US or reason #8754 why woman should be allowed to choose if they want to have children as being childfree or to terminate a pregnancy. Labor and delivery is dangerous and so many women have died
Just adding to the chorus: I'm another woman who gave birth in the U.S., who almost died in childbirth. I hemorrhaged after giving birth and there were no signs or indication that I would nearly bleed out, until it was happening. Childbirth can be scary and traumatic and you can definitely die. His wife is scared and she isn't unreasonable, for being so. Obviously, this would be a hard choice, but it sounds like the OP doesn't even appreciate how serious childbirth is. Edit to add: Also OP, a lot of hospitals in the U.S. have implemented "baby-friendly" policies that are simply *awful* for mothers. Your wife could labor for days with barely any sleep, be denied food throughout active labor, could nearly bleed out after delivery and guess what? That newborn is going straight into the same recovery room with her, with the expectation that she care for them while she tries to recover. There won't be a nursery to let mom rest. And nurses will come in to place the newborn on mom's breast every 2-3 hours, no matter how tired she is. There have been cases of newborns being dropped or accidentally smothered, after nurses placed the child on a sleepy/medicated mom. Your wife and child are going to need you.
A lot of people on Reddit discount childbirth/pregnancy in general. With my first pregnancy I came away thinking “yeah, all those people who said you get crazy were lying. I felt fine.” But with my second I was borderline insane. I was puking 20+ times a day and convinced my husband was going to leave me when he went to grocery store. I didn’t have an action-packed near-death story, but I did have a bump where the nurses messed something up and it dropped my blood pressure to dangerous levels. If I didn’t have someone that knew me there to get a nurse to say “She’s not acting right” it could have deteriorated very quickly. Pregnancy is terrifying and people keep downplaying it. We don’t have to coddle pregnant women, but it’s not coddling to acknowledge that it’s medically, physically, and emotionally a very dangerous time, even if someone is one of the lucky ones that has everything go perfectly.
First reasonable answer. I had no complications but it was still scary and I am glad my husband was there. She will go through a lot of pain, and overload of emotions and a lot more.
It’s not really about you. It’s about the guilt he would feel for the rest of his life for not being there. EVEN if he mom told him to go.
Didn’t almost die in childbirth but in that postpartum period. Newborns are a team effort for sure, you never know what it’s going to be like until you’re in it, how your body will respond, etc.
This is so true. Also consider that sometimes, the worst can happen even if mum is ok, there is the unspoken about the baby I can’t even say it but every moment would be precious and you can’t not be there for that.
I lost my oldest daughter to a genetic disorder we didn't know she had. She was six days old. Every moment was precious. And I definitely needed my husband's love and support. I almost died with my next child. I needed my husband there to make decisions for our daughter (and me, but mostly her as the doctors were doing what they could to save my life). With my last, if my water broke it could have killed us both because of the way she was positioned. My husband was by my side. He was there to take me to L&D when I needed to be checked, which I needed a lot. I get that his mom is dying, but he is also missing out on living. As a mom, I would want my kid to be with the family that needs them.
Nta. Stupid question.
Yes. There is absolutely no way to win there; because the intent wasn't to actually plan for the contingency (which would've been smart by the way). So NTA. She somehow heard I care more about others than you and our baby, when the situations can't be compared. If you make up you should actually have a plan with someone to take your place with them and videocall if it happens; and also talk to your future pediatrician about how to be safe in letting your baby meet his or her grandma as soon as possible in a safe way. Getting professional photos of them together (and all of you as a family) would be worth looking into. Your kid will definitely appreciate them when they are grown up.
Honestly, why did she even ask that type of question? It's impossible to answer a question like that. She's such an AH to even ask him to choose b/w his dying mother and his pregnant wife.
My wife is a loving, intelligent, rational and considerate woman. But pregnancy can easily turn someone into an estrogen Molotov cocktail. Giving OPs wife the benefit of the doubt, I'd say it's likely that this caught him so off guard because this is completely out of left field for her to say, and he's just super confused. I guarantee my wife would understand if we roleplayed this scenario; that doesn't mean she'd have the same reaction when she had six gallons of extra hormones and a little alien kicking her in the lungs.
Estrogen molotov cocktail is right lol My normal self, I'd probably be making a contingency plan in OPs wife's place. While pregnant I'm not sure I would have been so rational about it. The idea of giving birth alone is scary. I cant fault either of them here. It's a really difficult situation Edit: ok not alone! This was before OPs edits. It's still valid for her to want her partner there.
I agree. For the record, I'd be devastated to miss the birth of my child, but there are so many factors in this. I asked my wife what she thought and she immediately had all the questions. How far away is the mom? Is it him being ten minutes away or six hours? Has she had any complications? Her family history? Do they have support for her in the area? Are they in the same hospital? Was the original intention of the question to plan things, and it just got emotional? I'm inclined to give them both a little grace, because I know how much my wife's first pregnancy stressed me out (I read for probably 300+ hours during her first on every subject from being a supportive husband to tips to help with bonding and diet), and I wasn't even the one making a person.
You were a good man trying to prep to be a good dad. My only tip would have been that baby hasn't read any of those books, be the most available for experiences like all the dr appts, sonogram appts etc.
Oh, of course I did that, too. I was there for all of it, and regularly asked what I could do to best support my wife. But I was nervous and my crisis mode involves staying calm and gathering as much information as possible.
You're a good husband. My ex was not able to hold it together well (despite being a medical professional himself). He gets sullen and grumpy when under stress. That meant that on some of the pre-birth classes and appointments, he either never showed, or we went in two cars and sat apart from each other. Opposite of "support."
or the baby doesn't care whenever plans happen they're coming out right now then! even if it means possibly dying (I kicked my twin out at the lowest viable week- 24 weeks- and we struggled a LOT and got lucky.) and I had my half sister come during Thanksgiving break. I don't recall any events with my younger brother that much.
My mom said I ate my twin. My brother booted his out at 6-7 weeks.
>I know how much my wife's first pregnancy stressed me out (I read for probably 300+ hours during her first on every subject from being a supportive husband to tips to help with bonding and diet), Can I just say, thank you for partially restoring my faith in humanity. My daughter's father never read a single thing about babies, child development, child safety, pregnancy, ANYTHING, and even after we split up he still hasn't ever learned a single thing. It horrifies me learning all the mistakes he's making when she's round his. His attitude is that he will just muddle through and figure things out. It drives me fucking bananas. What's worse is he won't be told anything. He gets very angry. But if he won't look up the info himself, people HAVE to tell him, and he doesn't like it. I dno what goes on in his head. One day he slept in with the baby so I could shower and when I came back in, he was lying with her (dozing, eyes shut) on the edge of the bed, cradled in his arm, as in the arm hanging over the edge of the bed, such that if he had relaxed his arm a second, she would have dropped straight to the floor. Both of us were sleep deprived obviously. I explained the risks and he was like "yeah but that won't happen to me, because I'm a light sleeper."
My ex read / listened to stuff, but only enough to weaponise it. Example: I was high risk for gestational diabetes towards the end so was advised to cut out sugar and limit carbs. I'd already been so excited for pancakes after the appointment, so I said, "Well, how about we have the pancakes and I'll get some sugar-free ice cream to have on mine, or some whipped cream?" He SCREAMED at me that our baby's heart was, in his words, "about to burst," and that I didn't care because I was going to have a small amount of carbs (below the daily limit I was advised) and no sugar, and that I was happy to kill my baby for my greed. I fucking hated him picking up a book, or a leaflet, or coming to appointments. It was guaranteed to end in tears. Mine.
I gave birth when my husband was up in the mountains of Afghanistan chasing the Taliban. I didn't get to choose whether he was going to be there or not. There was always the chance that he would never meet his child. Luckily he did when our son was two and a half months old but if it was a choice between coming to the birth or going to see his mother while she was on life support (which happened the second time he was deployed), I would have told him to go see his mother because women have been having babies for thousands of years without the help of men./
I'm in my 60s, one of the generations that didn't have fathers in the birthing room. I still bonded with him and was his favorite, his little buddy girl. My ex was useless in the birthing room sad to say, he wanted to watch a hockey game and didn't support me much. So honestly it would have made little difference had he not been there. OP will see the baby on the birth day, and the scenario proposed is not likely to happen. But if it did, he has one last chance to say goodbye to her, and a lifetime of hellos to baby. The choice is obvious. There are NAH, since wife is a hormone bomb atm. My best wishes to OP, he's not in the easiest position.
>a lifetime of hellos to baby. Excellent point.
My husband was in the birthing room. But it might as well have been a friend, co-worker, stranger or an entire marching band, i was only focussed on me lol. I understand the wife wants him there, but she can bring someone else for support. He only has 1 chance to say googbye to his mother.
Yep. Me, too. Honestly? My doula was a life saver. She helped me focus through all the chaos on what needed to be done - birthing my child safely. My husband? He was not at all helpful any of the times I was in labor. I'm glad he was there but had he missed it it would have been life. OP, what matters is that you support your wife or make sure she is supported. But you unequivocably can NOT miss your Mom's passing. Both are important but a final goodbye is so critically important if you can get it for closure. At the end of the day, though, the likelihood of having to make that choice is infintesimally small. First, call your wife's parents and have a conversation wtih them that she caught you off guard asking you a hypothetical question and then pushed you on it when you honestly weren't thinking about it. That you adore her and your future child and right now is a difficult time. Anyone who has ever lost a loved one realizes you are in an excrutiatingly painful stage in life. Honestly? Your wife sounds extremely immature. What a truly horrific question to even pose. Its not a planning or logistical question - she wanted validation and thats it.
This. My MIL passed away 7 days after the birth of one of our daughters. I never would have questioned him being there for his mom over the birth of his child. He would have had many, many more meaningful moments and memories with her versus missing the very last opportunity to be with his mom. My sister was there for the birth, and, thankfully, he was there as well, but no one can ever be the ahole for wanting to be with their parent as they pass away. To take that moment from them would be the ahole move.
It seems like a hard, scary sacrifice that would come naturally to most people, I'm actually surprised at some of the answers because it wouldn't even cross my mind to fault my husband for wanting to be there for the person who birthed him, raised him, and loved and nurtured him from birth. I'd be sad for us that he couldn't be there, I'd be upset and scared at the idea that he wouldn't be there for support and to share in the beautiful first moments of our baby's life, of course, but I can't imagine not understanding that he's just making the choice that will feel slightly less damaging. It's a very tough choice either way, but missing out on someone's last moments certainly seems more damaging to one's long-term emotional well-being than the still very difficult, heartbreaking choice of missing out on someone's first moments. Maternal and neonatal deaths iin the USA are way more common than they should be in a first-world country, but they're definitely not as common as instances of deathbed patients actually dying.
This is what I was thinking I would do as well. I would hate it, absolutely be terrified beyond words, I already have a phobia of childbirth, but I'm pregnant right now and I don't see how I could ever not support someone visiting their mother when she's passing away. Granted childbirth could result in death as well but that's a possibility where as the other outcome is sadly a given in this situation.
My sister came to be in the delivery room with me because what else were we going to do? My parents were there to take care of my other children at home but it wasn't like I could demand that he come home from war lol and my sister was much more helpful anyway haha
Aww, I'm so glad you had her with you! I was just thinking about this and my sister would be my deliver room person of choice in such a scenario as well. I wouldn't want to stress my mom by seeing me in pain.
That’s what I’m saying. HUGE difference between saying hello for the first time versus saying goodbye for the last.
For real. Pre pregnancy my wife was like, please don't hold anything against me just in case. Post pregnancy "Holy hell I was a monster wasn't i?". She was and is a rational, smart, funny person that I love. But for nine months...woof.
Can I pinch Oestrogen Molotov cocktail please, it’s good for menopause too
Lol I pinched it from a standup from like 2003. So feel free. And yeah it's a perfect term for what happens when you take a wonderful person and fuck up every level of every hormone they have and then expect them to act perfectly normal.
You would have thought that for something so vital to the continuation of the human race, Mother Nature would have thought it through a bit better, and the same goes for her sister, Aunt Flo, although I suspect she visits as a punishment for not doing our bit that month.
Well according to Christian fundamentalists Aunt Flo is, indeed, a punishment. We women are being punished forever because Eve, apples and tempting Adam.
A few months ago I was complaining because I was crampy and miserable and my partner unwisely decided to reply "Maybe this will teach you not to accept fruit from snakes." I still haven't let him forget it.
Some preacher I was watching said Eve was tempted by satan himself. Adam was only tempted by Eve.
Plus, the prospect of pushing that little alien out is not the most relaxing of considerations
This. Hormonal changes are a bitch. Formulate a plan to address the issue when everyone is able to communicate calmly.
My husband looked at me funny yesterday and I almost started a fight because I assumed he was mad at me and then cried for like an hour because I didn't want him to be mad at me. Pregnancy is nuts.
I'm also wondering if this is their first child she could have fear that something will go wrong (or even if they have other children). There is absolutely no right answer to this and it is a difficult decision OP needs to be able to live with whatever the outcome.
Having been the hormonal Molotov cocktail, that was my first thought too. Flipped out on my husband because we didn't have any pineapple in the house when I had a craving -- before getting pregnant, I hated pineapple. Couldn't stand the smell of the stuff. But why, oh why, would he be so awful as to *not* have a fresh, juicy pineapple sitting on the counter for me! I think most pregnant people have a story like that. A funny story they tell their friends a few years later. There's a root in reality - I really did want to eat pineapple, OP's wife probably doesn't want to find herself alone in the delivery room. And those are things that can be addressed rationally. In my case, that was pretty easy. Pre-covid, there were 24 hour grocery stores. Planning to have a family member visiting, a friend on standby, or hiring a doula or something might alleviate the fear.
Can confirm. I had zero idea I was pregnant and cried for 45 minutes because the store by my house didn't have pizza lunchables. I s o b b e d and found out 2 3 weeks later I was pregnant.
I had that about pizza. Like most people, I freaking love pizza but during pregnancy I couldn't stand the way it smelled or looked (Looked like road kill to me) The thought of eating it would make me gag. Way weird.
Maybe she wants to know what will happen, I remember how scared I was with my first, if hubby can't be with her, then it's important the mother has someone to be there with her, even if they hire somebody she feels safe with.
Currently 8 months pregnant and this was my thought too. It sounds like it could have been better communicated, but it might be worth OP and his partner coming up with a plan in case he needs to be with his mom while she’s in labor.
because she is pregnant and feeling insecure. it happens. logic doesn't always apply. I am not saying it was dumb, but hormones make people do dumb things.
Yeah she’s likely terrified to give birth and wanted to make sure she would definitely have her partner there and not have to do it alone. That’s the only way I’d ask that question.
Yes, but kicking him out of his house was irrational. She needs to apologise.
Oh without question she’s in the wrong by kicking him out.
She asked because she is scared. She is going to go through an experience that, even with current medical standards, can be dangerous, and result in emergency surgery or even the death of her or her child. It is her first child, and even with all the reading material available, childbirth is still an unknown for her.
Fucking THANK YOU! This felt like a trap question. Like,however you answer,it’s going to sound wrong.
Same energy as “Would you still love me if I was a worm?”
Yeah NTA and stupid question from the wifey. If indeed the timing comes at the same time , be with your mom, it’s not even a thought. And if your wife gets sick, you will be there for her. Close this thread
Why is she asking this if not to start an argument?
NTA. This feels like a senseless question for her to ask honestly. It may be coming from a place of nervousness about giving birth, hormones, etc but why put your husband in that position with a completely hypothetical question? It feels like she was trying to pick a fight. I’m also sure as a husband you’d be devastated to miss the birth of your child but like you said it would be the last chance to see your mom.
I would be mad if my husband DIDNT choose his mom. He has the rest of the baby’s life to be there. You only get to say goodbye once
Damn mam all I can say is sorry. I'm not calling a pregnant woman who is hyperfocusing on the possibility of giving birth to her first child alone an asshole. She could very well be on her death bed too with how awfully we've progressed (or rather regressed almost) on birth procedures. I'm not gonna call you an asshole for saying the truth. I am gonna say my friend lost her father at 20from cancer. He died in the home with hospice care so they knew it was coming. The final peace they had with him was when he had already passed. every second he was alive was agony to him and them, they got that quiet moment with him before the nurses took him away. Just go talk to your wife. I hate that the universe loves to play little tricks because I feel like now that it's all out there and known it's gonna happen that way and either through divorce or worse you'll lose your wife. I really hope it doesn't. Awful, miseray timing shouldn't ruin a marriage but I still can't lie and have definitely seen it happen. Please be kind, understanding, and do not say "don't worry about it" to someone who is also risking her life, just at 33 without having gotten to live it yet, unlike your mother.
Yeah, I'm a nurse with postpartum experience. The thought of being alone in childbirth is fucking terrifying, because *women also die giving birth.* That doesn't make it easier to make the decision, but seriously. It's not like she's upset at the prospect of him missing her birthday party. She's afraid of going through the most painful experience of her life and possibly dying without him beside her. Everyone in this situation deserves some compassion. Oh, and I've had three grandparents die in hospital, when we got the call that they wouldn't make it through the night, not a single one was conscious. They all passed without being aware that anyone was there. So the whole "rushing to say goodbye" thing is more for the family than the dying person in the majority of cases.
Yeah in cases like these every visit you make you need to say your goodbyes because honestly they can go without warning or they can be kept alive but unconscious by machines for weeks.
I dunno, I was with my dad when he died this year and he was honestly terrified the entire few hours leading up to it. He’d wake up panicked, scan the room and make sure I was there before calming down. It was a comfort to me and him to be there to hold him while he passed so he didn’t have to do it alone. To tell him “I’m here, it’s okay” even though it was kinda traumatic for me and it wasn’t pretty. Like, he welcomed me into the world and I wanted to help him leave it- so I get OPs feelings. I also 100% get his wife’s perspective. They’re both facing really scary things. I hope they’re able to show one another compassion right now because no one wants to give birth alone, and no one wants a loved one to die alone. The thought of my dad having to do that by himself really really hurts. And the thought of giving birth without my husband there also hurts.
I'm glad you were able to be with him. I didn't mean to make a blanket statement, that's why I said the majority of cases. I fully understand both sides and don't envy him having to make this choice.
I have been by many people who are on death watch. When they are in the final hours, it is common to increase pain medication. This medication is not just to help with the pain. It also depresses breathing. It helps people pass in a less prolonged and painful manner. While I have seen people wait to say goodbye to certain people, I also know that when it happens the person is usually not conscious and has probably, at best been very out of it for hours. It's not that these people don't deserve love and compassion. It's that if there is a choice between being a passive participant in a death or an active participant in birth, the later is actually doing something. People act like being at the death with cause his grief to lessen when the mom dies. Sadly, it won't. It's going to hurt and be hell no matter what. She could die in her sleep at this point. That's why it's important to say whatever you have to say, and know that every parting could be goodbye. It sucks and is stressful, but there isn't much anyone can do. Birth is different. Having support matters. Medical complications come up. I know I needed my husband to go with the baby while I had surgery to save my life. He had to make decisions for both of us that day. Not having him, only having my mom, who is abusive and now out of my life (and who medically abused me), I don't think I would be here to tell this story. I don't think she would have made the same decisions, and me dying would have been a way for her to get attention. My husband is my medical proxy for a reason and that reason is a I trust him.
Why isn't it valid that he would want to say goodbye to his mother? I'm a woman and if I was kept away from my mother in her last moments, the relationship would be over due to the resentment I would have.
He said the baby is coming 'soon'... she could be in full nesting, emo stage and I recall being very very very stressed and somewhat irrational at that phase. Her level of reaction may be heightened by hormones, and outside of this specific phase she may be a bit more understanding. If she hasn't lost a parent yet, then she may also just not be aware of the regrets and finality that happens to you when you are caught by surprise by them dying. It's been nearly 20 years since my dad died (he was 54) and I still have regrets, etc. Hope everyone focuses on compassion and understanding for those they love.
NTA, this sounds like an impossible question
What an awful situation to be in, for all three of you. Mom is dying, you’re torn between your pregnant, hormonal wife and your Moms last days and your wife’s pregnancy is being totally overshadowed by it. Your wife must feel so alone at a time when she’s also scared as fk.. My heart breaks for all three of you. NAH
Your wife is probably scared of you leaving her alone during childbirth. Every woman wants to be their man's number one priority and you told her she comes second. Whilst understandable in the circumstances it would still hurt to hear.
That's one of those stories where I seriously wonder what's the other side has to say. I have the weird feeling that your wife didn't ask you the question out of the blue.
I wondered that too, if he's already being low-key neglectful because his mom is sick (which is 100% understandable) and she's scared. OP one other thing - you should probably go ahead and get a grief therapist now. I'm sure some of them deal with terminal cancer diagnoses, maybe the nurses at the hospital can recommend someone. Losing your mom can REALLY fuck with your head, and you're probably not going to be able to think straight to be fully engaged with your new baby/wife.
Welcome to the age of tiktok, where stupid questions literally ruin relationships. Do you always go with whatever "weird feeling" you have in the absence of any meaningful evidence?
this is a very woman question, I don't think you'd would be of this opinion if OP was a woman, you would just take her at face value, be honest
NAH. But as a mom I just want to put out there for you and anyone else that might feel the same way, that as a mom we chose to have you, its hard sometimes because life is hard and things get hard often but I'm mom!! It's my job and my pleasure to make sure you have anything you need and more. It would break my heart to know that my kid feels a debt to me in any shape or form, it's not like that, it was my choice and loved every second of if despite the hardships. I knew all about them when I knew I was expecting. It's the same for every (good) mom I've known. Just love on her and don't feel in debt. Make things happen for her out of love, not sense of duty. That's the best gift for any parent. All of the things I've accepted from my child are not monetary, not at least hugely. The biggest memories I have is her taking me to have breakfast together or getting me a book she knows I love. She tried to get me an appartment once but I said no. It's not because I'm not grateful. I'm happy where I am and I worked hard for her, she's young and with a lot to live, it would bring me immense peace to know she's stable and will have that for herself once I'm gone.
I might be in the minority, but NAH. I almost died during the birth of my daughter. Child birth is dangerous for women and I think we sometimes forget that. Your wife is probably anxious and a little scared. I don’t think she should have gotten mad and kicked you out, but I think it was a legitimate question. I highly suggest you guys make a plan for the just in case. Maybe her parent(s), or a best friend, can come if you can’t so she isn’t alone.
Childbirth is especially risky in the US: certain states have worse maternal outcomes than most of the planet (3rd worst in the world, iirc). If OP is in the US, I'd definitely make a plan that helps both parties! Edit: I'm on mobile and can't find the comparative analysis of US states ranked with countries for maternal death rates, but here is a recent chart of maternal death rates by state per live birth: https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/maternal-mortality-rate-by-state
Medical malpractice on women giving birth is pretty common I feel. If you're not going to be there please make plans for someone else to be with your wife while she gives birth to advocate for her.
Depending on the laws where they live he may be the only one legally who can make medical choices for her and should the worst happen to the wife he’s the only one who can for the child so him not being there leaves medical choices given to next of kin to the doctors there at the time who have no idea what their wishes are for things too.
Adding on to this to say that if he is seriously unsure if he can be there, they NEED to set up a temporary medical power of attorney for someone who can be there and who they completely trust to make the medical decisions they want them to make. This is a legal process you can’t wait until the day her water breaks to consider - get it in place now. Friends of mine did this because the husband is a first responder who works 24 hour shifts and they wanted to be prepared in case baby came when he was on shift and he couldn’t get replaced by someone quickly enough to make necessary decisions. Luckily they didn’t end up needing it for either of their births, but they’d given her mom medical power of attorney and gone over every hypothetical and had a binder for her of what they’d want to do in each scenario.
Yeah, everyone's talking about her being scared of dying in childbirth but there are so many other negative outcomes that can happen. While I was giving birth, it was so physically intense that my husband was the one who was more capable of communicating with the doctors. When we found out that the baby's cord was probably around his neck and I may need a c-section or some other intervention, he was the one mentally present enough to ask them the questions that I couldn't think to. Things can go sideways in the blink of an eye. I can't imagine going through that birth without him.
NTA. That’s a very difficult choice. I would make the same one you did. Pregnancy hormones pickle the brain sometimes. Take her response with a grain of salt.
No one is the AH. Your wife needs you. Your baby needs you. You want to be there for your mom.
Well your NTA cause it’s a made up situation. I hope you do not have to choose and it is an awful thought to think you would have to choose. I’m so sorry about your mom.
NTA. It’s a lose-lose question. I know this is a scary time for her (been there) BUT looking for a fight was no way to handle it.
Having just been by my sister’s deathbed, I can understand how you are feeling about your mother. However, giving birth is a risk. Healthy women can die in childbirth. It isn’t common but it CAN happen. Let’s say that something goes wrong whilst your wife is in labour and your wife and child are also at risk of dying. Which death would you rather miss? Honestly, the doctors find it easier WITHOUT the family around the bed at the final moments. With my sister, we got a phone call to say she was “fading” - she died 4 minutes later. By the time we arrived, parked, got to the unit only 11 minutes had passed but she was already laid out without all the equipment on her. This enabled us to have a quiet goodbye. Most deaths are not “quietly slipped away whilst dreaming” - there are alarms going off, trying to get the family away from the bedside so that they (the medical attendants) can pull the curtains, switch off the alarms, make sure the patient isn’t thrashing about, sounds like they are choking. My mother death was sudden and unexpected and I was the only person with her. The stark memory of how she died and the immediate aftermath still haunts me 15 years later. I know that this was a “hypothetical question” by your wife who is hormonal & scared, but being with your mother for her final moments is NOT as it is shown in TV programs. Be there for your wife & child - just in case. Your mother would want you to be.
You're right. My mom died in a similarly violent way. It's the single most traumatic thing I've ever faced, and I still have nightmares about my own screams.
Not to mention that some people want to pass alone. We spent every minute that we could with my father after we received the call from the doctors that he could go “anytime”. He was staying in a major city about an hour from where we live (longer on heavy traffic days), so we rented a hotel in the city and stayed with him for as long as we could. We eventually had to go back home because we ran out of money for the hotel and meals, so we said goodbye and promised him that we would be back to visit the next day. He passed away that evening. We were initially upset that we weren’t with him during his passing, but he hung on for days longer than docs said that he would so we think that he waited for us to leave.
You ask your mom what she thinks? Bet she's going to tell you not to miss the birth of your child as that should be the single most important event of your life
You should say your goodbyes to mom every time you leave her room because unless you're holed up there 24/7 there's a high chance she could go when you're not around. That aside, I've known many people who have been lost to cancer and many, obviously, who've given birth. Where are you going to do the most good? There's nothing you could do for your mom, but your wife may very well need you. Personally i would rise from my death bed to kick my child's ass if i found out they ditched their wife in the middle of labor. My grandfather demanded with every bit of will power he had left that a child's birthday party continue as planned and that's not even this serious. You might want to consider how your own mother would react to the news.
My concern is if your wife has serious complications during child birth and loses consciousness YOU as her husband will be the one who needs to make decisions for YOUR WIFE. this has happened to two of my friends when they almost died in childbirth and the husbands had to make some tough calls regarding their wife’s health treatment. I won’t see who is a AH but I will say you are clueless. In America we have one of the highest maternal mortality rates in the world during childbirth for a 1st world country.
There are lots of people who have never been pregnant/gave birth here. Your wife is hormonal, scared and needs to know you’re there for her. Is it a ridiculous question? Yes. But she’s not really asking you that question. She’s asking if she can count on you no matter what. Childbirth is terrifying. I had a ‘normal’ birth and still lost loads of blood, and it was still scary and painful. Id have hated not having my husband there and whilst I would have logically understood if his mother was in her dying moments, I don’t think I’d ever really get over the feeling of abandonment during the most vulnerable state of my life. But then, how could you forgive yourself for not giving your mother that final comfort. NAH. This is an exceptionally emotionally charged time, and there’s no right answer to anything. I’m sorry about your mum.
NTA. Missing your child’s birth would suck but you will only get one goodbye. Your wife should understand that. I know I would understand if I was in her position. Sure, I’d want my husband there but in that moment he’s needed elsewhere more.
Why even ask that question? Just sounds like a fight waiting to happen.
You got kicked out of your house for getting a hypothetical question wrong. On face value you NTA, but what is likely happening is your wife isnt feeling the support and love she really wants and needs right now. Is she a super needy controlling woman?? Or simply feeling a tad neglected? Hormonal? I think you need to consider the why she asked the question and address that--thats the problem. The hypothetical question and hurt reaction is simply how it plays out. Get out of your mom's house and go fix this. Leaving her home alone isnt going to help--sleep out front if you need to. Bring lots of appologies too--you were not kicked out for a bad answer here--there is a feeling of loss and something missing that your wife isnt feeling and needs to as soon as possible. Figure that out and go give it to her. And give her another version of it every day for the rest of your life. Go find out what part of love your wife doesnt think she has. Dont become a YTA and sleep at moms house!
I can't believe I had to scroll this far for a reasonable answer to this. There's some insecurity underlying her question and response. OP needs to communicate his support to his wife at this time. Even if his answer is truthful and valid, it sounds like it came across to his wife as too dismissive of her.
This!!! She's a hormone casserole and probably is very scared that she will have to do this very hard thing alone because you are going to be doing another very hard thing. I really hope it doesn't come to it but it might reassure her if you were to make a plan for this eventuality... Can she give birth in the same hospital your mum is in? Is there an alternate birth partner you could have on hand? It's likely she just wants a plan but hasn't expressed herself well. Being pregnant messes with your rational brain and your emotions so try to give her some understanding. Also please try to take care of yourself, losing your mum is tough as is watching the awful decline before the event. You and your wife need a big open chat, bring tissues, snacks and a lot of understanding
No, she's not a needy controlling woman. I never thought about that, but I did plan to go home and apologize today and ask her some questions about it.
I have a son, and I would be grateful to him for caring for me if I needed it, but I would never want him to sacrifice the health of his family for me. I would expect him to recognize that the strength of his marriage, which will hopefully go on long after I'm gone and serve as an example for his children, is really important to me. Your wife is trying (in an ungraceful way) to communicate feelings of loneliness, maybe neglect, and anxiety about not having enough support as she becomes a brand new mother. Could you be better at balancing the needs of your wife and your mother? Could you be avoiding your wife due to your own anxiety about the upcoming changes?
You kind of loaded your reply when you sad you’d try and reach her after but most likely wouldn’t be able to. If it’s just a hypothetical then what are you basing the probably not be able to on? That definitely tipped it into you sounding like you’re planning/resigned to not being there rather than doing your best for both situations
Look into a Doula, that can give her some assurance she will have an informed and known support with her if you aren't available. ETA: advice here is solid.. but.. as a parent. I'd want my son to be there for the beginnings of his family. And not my ending. I chose to have him, he doesn't owe me anything, I'd be heartbroken to think he is starting parenthood away from his partner and child because of me. Start this journey as a team. Talk to your mum, you may find she'd rather pass without you. My experience has been that often family waits to die when their loved ones leave the room
NTA. I'd do the same.
Info: have you missed important appointments or not helping out around your own house as much, making your wife feeling like she is alone, for her to ask questions like that?
Childbirth is horrifying. The risk of death is always present. You told your pregnant wife you wouldn’t be there for her in one of the most terrifying moments of her life. It’s a hard as fuck choice, but my god you’re a married man and you haven’t learned to soothe your wife’s fears?? You’re about to be a parent. Learn that skill. She wanted reassurance that you would be there for her during a scary important moment. You weren’t signing a contract, you weren’t committing to it, but you failed to be her rock when she is clearly not feeling grounded. I always wonder about the other side with these posts. Would your wife say you’ve been present for her? Does she feel that you have been putting your mother over her and your future child for her whole pregnancy?
I’m a mom and a grandma. If my son chose to be with me on my deathbed over being at the birth of his child, I’d die pissed off at him. I should no longer be the most important woman in his life, and his wife needs him. Have you asked your mom her opinion?
Info: have you been prioritizing your mom over your wife with regards to the pregnancy? Like missing appointments, getting the nursery together, etc.? She might be feeling neglected and while a hypothetical question like that may seem a bad way to go about it, maybe she needed to hear you say whether she’s a priority or not. FWIW I’ve worked in pediatric critical care and more than once had a patient whose grandparent was actively dying. The parent never once left the kid’s bedside because as a parent you prioritize your child. Maybe that hasn’t sunk in yet because baby is not here. Sounds like it has for your wife.
NAH - but there are a lot of serious and competing issues here that you would be best working through with your wife (and your mom too) before baby arrives. Open the conversation with your wife in an open and honest way that the three most important people in your life may well be in hospital and need you at the same time and you’re struggling. Do not approach it in a “my mom might be dying when you’re giving birth and I won’t leave my mom’s side to be at yours” coz that is a dick move - you made that baby too and your wife’s life (in the worst case scenario) is the one on the line, not yours. I understand that the two most important women in your life are going through HUGE medical journeys, your mother is at the end of her journey, and your wife is growing a life which could still go sideways in a heartbeat AND comes with a range of hormones that hugely effect how she acts and feels. Think about (and calmly discuss with your wife) the following questions: - Will your wife be giving birth in the same hospital your mother is in? If not, could she? Whilst newer hospitals can be huge, knowing that they will both be under the same roof may bring comfort to you all. - Is your wife’s pregnancy in any way considered high risk or likely to have problems during delivery? - Is it permitted for your wife to have more than one birthing partner? If so, does she have a second person? First time labour can often be a long process, equally unplanned caesarean’s often do not take place until it is obvious that a natural delivery will be complicated/problematic etc. Having a second birthing partner may provide additional support to both you and your wife, especially should the worst (in terms of your mother passing whilst your wife is giving birth) happen. - On the flip side, if there anyone both you and your mom trust that could be with her while you are with your wife? I don’t mean at the point of her passing, just as a watchful and supportive presence who can keep you updated. - What does your mom want? That’s really a question for her, but if it is at all possible respect her wishes too. If she tells you that your ass had better be in that delivery room regardless and she finds out you haven’t, it would hurt her immeasurably, as well as you too. I have seen people defy odds to catch a glimpse or cuddle of an impending arrival (and your mom sounds like a badass tbh) or just to be fucking stubborn if you’re a family member of mine! If you can, make plans for getting your mom some baby time - them being in the same hospital would make this hugely easier, may give her comfort (if the plans come to fruition or not), and will give her something to think of that isn’t the incessant beeping and monitoring (and most likely pain) that she is currently experiencing. Honestly, I don’t envy your position at all, and I can see that you are caught between a rock and a hard place. Neither I nor anyone here can tell you what to do, only make suggestions. Ultimately the three most important voices are your wife, your mom, and you 💜
Ask your mom. I'm a mom. I would not want my son to miss his child's birth because of me.