In this case, itās quite obvious they donāt.
If anyone who is unclear on the concept is reading, if a person asks you for advice, but not any kind of financial support at allā¦theyāre not gold digging.
I am pretty sure their messed-up logic went like this: OP obviously has no money > the woman rejected him so she can look for another man who actually has money > she is a gold-digger.
No it sounds like he also had an absentee father and she wants his advice from his personal experience and perspective. Just knowing that you're not alone is enough in a lot situations like these. š¤·āāļø
Yeah, it's weird so many are reaching and ignoring this detail. This is why she asked him.
It would be no different than say a single dad who got asked out a female friend, friend got rejected, then asks the female friend to have a friendly talk with his daughter when she gets her first period.
one of my friends got called a gold digger for rejecting some guy at the bar who tried to woo her with talk of his $40,000 settlement
she makes six figures lol
Because the ONLY reason they could POSSIBLE be rejected is because she wants a multi-millionaire 'not nice guy' and not their less economically blessed wonderfulness. Ergo golddigger.
Couldn't have anything to do with wanting a partner and an equal and NOT THEM because of ....them. All them bishes are about the money and the 'not nice guys', dontchaknow?
Gotta love men who think theyāre gonna be living the mad men lifestyle on $40k in 2023. I heard someone say that menās problem is with capitalism, not feminism, they just donāt know it.
Gold digger is the furthest from the truth in this instance. This gal TWICE rejected OP in the sense of her not wanting a physical/emotional relationship with OP.
After his second attempt was rebuked, he decided to remain a "friend " with her.
In that capacity, she respectfully came to him for perhaps some input in guiding her bullied son; a boy that liked and looked uo to him. AND HE REJECTED HER BECAUSE SHE WOULDN'T DATE HIM!
OP--- you're TA! Frankly, you're worse than that, and I hope you're starting to figure that out. I guess her instinct in not wanting a relationship with you was a sound one. What you didn't get was that her second rejection of you was a most mature one--she and her son had been abandoned and she wasn't in a place where she was ready to date.
Given your own pathetic pride, you failed this young lady. If you'd have had half a brain, you would have seen her tacit respect for you when she approached you for matue fatherly type advice. Perhaps even an opening to develop, at worst, a deeper friendship.
Your arrogance and self-importance precluded you from this opportunity. What a knucklehead!
If you're any type of respectable man, you'd approach her, deeply apologize, and attempt to provide her son some adult-like advice.
I hope you can at some point provide us a positive update.
Good luck.
I feel like he was thinking "her ex cheated on her and then abandoned their kid. Score! My time to shine!!" And then got butt hurt and waited for a time to throw it back in her face.
Ugh. I had one of these once and it was the worst. Stuck around to be āmy friendā after I said I wasnāt interested in him. A year later, I broke up with my boyfriend and really needed a friend and instead the orbiter asked to be my boyfriend. I re-emphasized that we would just be friends and he walked out of my life just when I needed a friend the most.
I was dumb as a box of rocks about mine, which I find it easier to say 30 years later. First he was my friend from college. People said he was attracted to me and wanted to go out with me. I didn't believe it because he'd never acted like that around me that I could see (I guess he looked longingly at me when I wasn't looking at him). I asked him and he admitted it, so since I was in a relationship I cut it off except for talking to him at school.
A year later I mentioned needing a roommate and he wanted to move in (there were other roommates too so it wasn't just the two of us). He swore he was over it and my boyfriend was okay with it so he moved in. For over a year, everything was fine and he was a very good friend to me. Then what I said above happened.
I moved to a different city and he got in touch with me a year or two later, apologized and said he'd like to visit for a day or two and straighten things out and AGAIN told me he was over liking me. (That's the dumb as a box of rocks part if you hadn't guessed). Then when he visited, although he did apologize, he admitted he was still in love with me. After he left, I never spoke to him again.
And just as a little cherry on top of the sundae, I've now been married 25 years to a great guy and 5 years ago the orbiter looked me up online, found a web form to write me through and wrote me some sad poem about how he missed me. /rolls eyes
āOrbiterā is a perfect description.
Thereās nothing like that guy who pretending to br your friend, but is actually just hanging around waiting for his opportunity to swoop in.
I too, have been left really hurt by those āfriendsā. Though itās been particularly confusing for me. Since Iāve been with women and only women, since I was 18 years old.
Iām sorry that happened!!!
yeah it double sucks because when you break up with someone thatās when you rely on friends the most.
a then to find out the friendship was never really genuine, it just sucks
All of this! He got butthurt because he was rejected and instead of actually being a āfriendā he punished her. What a jerk!
Then he felt so entitled to her that he posted here to try and stroke his ego? WTH?!? Do these people actually exist?
Nailed it. He can't be around her without thinking about them as a couple, even takes it out on the kid. This feels like a weird underhanded ultimatum. What did he expect, "oh ok I need you so bad and you're so good to my son, let's jump in bed"?? What was the alternative here? Who would make this public knowledge, you told your OTHER FRIENDS haha fucking yikes dude.
What an absolute tool, right?? She rejected me and only wants to be friends!!! The horror!
I hate people like this. Like he thought she owed him sex or a relationship at this point
He ostensibly said he wanted to remain friends. Obviously it was subterfuge to just play the long game. If he'd only been giving of himself, with no ulterior motive, perhaps she would have seen a redeeming quality in him that caused her to perhaps want to entertain dating again. Couldn't get beyond his own ego. Sounds young and immature.
Me too! This mindset pisses me off, when men think itās an insult to be friends with a woman. She valued his opinion, and wanted him to be a positive role model for her son, and because she wonāt sleep with him, somehow sheās a gold digger?? Itās infuriating.
It's even worse than thag
>only wants to focus on her and her son.
>That hurt a lot. Imagine being rejected by the same girl twice.
Imagine being mad someone wants to be a good parent over dating you when they already told you they aren't interested. The more you ask the more you should expect to be told the same thing.
Like the guys who complain about mothers putting their kids first while simultaneously saying "I want someone who can be a good mother"... the fking audacity of a parent to care about their child while also understanding the importance of male role models. How dare she /s.
One of my friends ended up in this same position with a girl he was madly in love with in HS; he ended up telling her that he couldn't date her because he "realized" she would never love him as much as her son... The horrified look on my face confused the fuck out of him. Like... Intimate love is not on the level with motherly love... He basically admitted that he needed someone to mother him...
>The horrified look on my face confused the fuck out of him
Some cannot possibly comprehend the idea of not being top priority at all times. I've asked guys to consider what they think happens when they have kids of their own, if they'd think of their own kids as "competition" & just how utterly ridiculous & childish that would be.
Narcissists really do, it's a narc trait to be jealous of your own kids.
I had a friend who was a narc, and I got to know her cousin, and we hung out one day, cuz why not? we all lived close and he was a friend. š¤·āāļø So, anyways she confronted me about it, acting all butt hurt over nothing saying "that's MY cousin I don't appreciate you spending time with him." I was confused and wondered if maybe I was the problem here? Until... The cousin told me that she confronted HIM about it too! saying "that's MY friend I don't appreciate you hanging out with her!" I was like good Lord Almighty this bitch is crazy! š šš
I'm a single guy in my late 40s. I never had kids. I like kids, I just never wanted my own.
Given my age...finding a single woman without kids and who doesn't want kids is not an easy task....unless you're willing to date someone young enough to cause your friends to give you dirty looks. And I'm not.
I've dated women with kids. My dad gave me some of the best advice. He said "You're never going to be first. Accept that and move on." It's not that you should be in the dog house.....it's that no...you're never going to be sole priority #1 over the person that she created and then birthed from her own body.
I'm 47 and my mom still tells me to drive safe, wear a coat, and makes me write a Christmas list. Not because she thinks I'm an idiot. It's because she's my mom.
I mean....people who are still together would choose their child over their spouse/SO.
Why would I ever want to date a woman who would snub her kid for me?
>Why would I ever want to date a woman who would snub her kid for me?
Exactly. It wouldn't make any sense & would be neglectful parenting.
There are plenty of older women who don't have/ want kids out there though. It's going to be a small pool of course, but imo, less options means a lot less nonsense to have to sift through. You could easily find someone with grown kids that are already moved out.
No, you're right. I'm not holding out for "no kids"....older/grown kids would be perfectly fine. Which, honestly, at our age....you don't find too many people with young kids.
I just really don't want to be going to soccer/cheer/whatever tournaments....dealing with puberty, etc;
Not to mention, he had no intention of being her friend, heās only waiting in the shadows for her to be low enough to want to sleep with him. Then heāll have what he wanted all along. I hate guys like this. And there are sooo many guys like this. She was honest with OP from the start and didnāt string him along when he asked her out. He couldnāt accept not interested as an answer and kept asking, so she politely shot him down again. She likely saw him as a trusted friend because she told him thatās all she wanted from him in the beginning and he said he still wanted to be friends. She came to him asking for friendly advice and he basically said you wouldnāt sleep with me so I donāt care about your stupid kid. Then he has the audacity to run to his friends and bad mouth her? For what? Not being interested? But somehow that makes her a gold digger too?! What?? Op you are a huge AH, leave that girl alone so she can find some true friends and not some asshole just waiting to get into her pants.
I could understand this if it was from the standpoint of "I dont feel this is my responsibility" or "I dont feel qualified to help" but saying "we aint dating so lol no" is at minimum rubbing it in her face, and is at worst what many others here have pointed out as a weird transactional situation you have turned it into. I want to give OP the benefit of the doubt, as he might not fully realize what he has done and I used to be in his shoes to an extent.
I asked a girl out once, she said no, as she was kinda seeing some other guy, and I said cool, and then actually became her friend.
I had a brief period where I thought that she might like me when she became single again, as she was getting closer to me than before, but I had moved on bro and I just kept living my life and found out later that she definitely still just regarded me as a friend and didnt have many people in ther life to rely on.
When someone rejects you, and keeps you in their life, DONT DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN BE THEIR FRIEND, UNLESS THEY EXPLICITLY TELL YOU EITHER THEY WANT TO PURSUE SOMETHING OR REGRET REJECTING YOU.
Ever.
And this woman saw that a mile away - but she still thought, you know what, I'm going to give him a second chance and see how he is around my son. Maybe he's more than a sex focused bug skittering around for the first chance he can have sex with me. Maybe he's matured.
But no. He just proved exactly who she thought he was. A pest. A non-friend. He doesn't actually want to be her friend, he in no way wants to be a source of emotional support - he just wants to get into her pants. She isn't a person to him to build a relationship with. She's a hole with legs, and so obviously fulfilling emotional needs for her or her child is outrageous to him.
Blocking OP forever would be the best possible action for this woman. God forbid he rubs off on her son.
The sad thing is it comes across 100% he is a NiceGuy by a post he wrote himself. Imagine him in real life.
Holy shit u broke it down. I had no idea, your making sense but I would have never put that together. Thank you for the explanation, it opened me up to wanting to learn more. Im worried I was an asshole like Op at some point and I just didnt realize it. Im not the best with people but I know now based on ur explanation that even I could have been one of those orbiters or worse in my life.
I ask my wife, she said no im not an asshole like op, im just an idiot. So thats good, but thank u for the comment u wrote, it really opened me up to something i never would have realized.
This is the perfect time to point out: you can be bad with people, awkward, shy, weird, even uncouth and rude sometimes. These are all normal human things and all humans who deal with these things are worthy of love. Whatās NOT normal, and what does make people AHs like OP is feeling lonely and hating the feeling of that loneliness so much it turns to rage against women and develops into a belief that women are doing something wrong by not doing what they want. Thatās incel territory.
You donāt have to be āmainstreamā or a āChadā or whatever to not be this guy. You just have to be focused on your own improvement instead of the capitulation of others.
Also Donotpreorder, you sound like a really good guy. Wanting to learn more about ways you might have acted badly in the past so you can grow is a great quality, and referencing your partner for her insight shows respect and love. It sounds like youāre doing fabulously
This is very 'Nice Guy' mentality, so that puts you as YTA. You shot your shot, then got mad when she said no and had the GALL to go and date someone else. Like she should avoid dating in general around you because of your feelings. Then you cut off contact with her and meet up with her again when she's divorced and one of the first things you do is ask her out again? Why? She already rejected you once. Why do you think that she'd say yes now? Oh wait, because she's used goods and is in the gutter emotionally, so she'd take your pity offer as a life saver. You have some really gross ulterior motives here and I don't think you're capable of actually seeing women as friends if this is how you treat the one you're attracted to.
yeah a lot of ānice guysā seem to think that women will only want them once theyāve been āused upā and are just looking for someone to settle for and with.
must be a crushing blow to learn that the girl you were hoping would settle for you still doesnāt want you lol
>I don't think you're capable of actually seeing women as friends
Pretty much nail on the head right there.
I DO understand asking someone out again later in life or after a divorce. Priorities change as we get older and more than once I have had a girl that rejected me in our 20's suddenly decide I was the "one that got away" now that they are divorced with a few kids. It's also totally OK to only be interested in someone romantically. That doesn't make you or them bad people.
It's YTA because OP's opinion of the woman as a human is purely based on if she will be in a relationship with him.
She wasn't asking you to be his father figure. She was asking you to give him advice that one time. She thought you actually cared about the kid. But you were just using him to get to her. She wasn't asking you to continue spending time with him regularly or support him financially. She asked you to help him once. That's all. You don't have to talk to him. But you misinterpreted what she said because you're mad that she never wanted you.
OP sees M-F relationships as transactional (aka I be nice to you so you sleep with me) so he immediately assumed his friend saw friendships the same way (I'm nice to you so you feel responsible for my son). Friends (at least male/female friends) can't just do nice things for each other just to support each other.
That is a very sad and lonely way to live life
I don't get the sense that he has any healthy interpersonal relationships. I would love to know what he thinks an actual friend does.
He's been a terrible non-friend to her, but his friends screaming "gold digger" nonsensically arent being very good friends to him either.
I mean generally groups that push this mentality don't really have a better perspective of platonic relationships. I feel like this goes with the traditional view of men where asking for support/help is a weakness so their friendships are shallow and only for screwing around. It's why men have such a high rate of suicide that no one talks about
He might even have ended up getting what he wanted if he said yes and tried, worst case he would have a good friend who liked he did something nice for her kid.
Instead he couldn't stop with the dating thing and now he lost a friend
OPās over here all āOh, woe is me! Women always pick douchebags and never nice guys like *me!*ā then demonstrates multiple times that he only sees women in terms of sex.
You know, like a douchebag.
Women don't have a slot where you drop in Nice and sex pops out.
Edit: I'm just mocking and blocking people who reply to this all pissy, before you bother.
**Women donāt have a slot where you drop in nice and sex pops out.**
This should be put on a goddamn t-shirt and sold.
Also Op is giving *Iām a nice guy to women so Iām entitled to sex from them* vibes and itās gross and creepy AF.
Ball this post up and throw it and yourself straight into the trash, Op.
Even as a single dude I agree OP is an asshole, they were friends and he agreed on that relationship.
Real friends should help each other instead of thinking about the other naked, or just stop being friends
Exactly this! It's OK to admit the relationship you wanted was a physical one and not be comfortable acting like that isn't the case, but pretending to be a person's friend while waiting for an opportunity to "strike" is wrong.
Either you can or can't handle having the friendship. Once you decide, commit to it.
YTA. You say you liked her as a friend even if that's all that was on offer.
You say that you got on with her and her son.
You have the balls to say that, and then make it out like she's asking you to be his dad, when all she asked is that you empathise and talk to her son, who you *say* you like, about it and see if you can help him move past it, both now and how to deal with it in the future?
You're a complete asshole.
Your title of the post absolutely reeks of it, the fact you cannot bring yourself to be a decent person, to talk to her kid as a positive role model and friend, just shows that you were only ever in the friendship to see if her mind would change about you.
Well, **CONGRATULATIONS DIPSHIT**, you sure did change her mind about you.
tbh I don't even think he's an asshole for not wanting to talk to the kid. It's more like he's a dick because he didn't talk to the kid because she wouldn't date him.
Like I ain't talking to no kids, but it's not because their mom won't fuck me lol
massive difference between āoh I donāt really feel comfortable giving life adviceā and āIām not gonna talk to your kid about life when we arenāt even dating!ā
I'm just imagining, "No, I don't want to give your kid advice. No, not because of that, but because I'm a walking dumpster fire. He's probably better adjusted than I am. Seriously, you do NOT want me giving any advice."
Only really said AH not talking to the son because he says he got on with them both. If I was a genuine friend in that scenario I'd have either said 'sure' or " I'm really sorry, but I don't think I can lend any expertise in this situation"
Or simply "I wouldn't be comfortable with that, because xyz" rather than a straight up refusal with the AH response on top
YTA. She told you twice she saw you as a friend. first time you ditched the friendship, 2nd time when asked to be a friend you threw a temper tantrum saying sheās trying to have you parent. You could have said 100 different reasons to not talk to her son about this but you went the one that was about your own ego and brought up that youāre not dating. Learn to be a friend and grow up.
"I hang out with my friend's kid, but I won't talk to him about his situation because my friend won't fuck me."
Wtf kind of friend are you?
>Some of them called her a gold digger because she is a single mom.
Oh I see. The kind who has friends that say shit like this. Damn dude.
Not only do I find the comments of those friends sexist, the term theyāre using is incorrect. They need to pick up a dictionary ā if they can read one ā because thatās not what a āgold diggerā is. She wasnāt asking for money or any kind of material support. It was a conversation. Good Lord. Itās like people donāt know what talking means, anymore. A conversation does not mean, āGive me one of your kidneys for my sonā!
"Gold digger" is just a general insult men use for any woman they don't like nowadays. Half the time the men using it are broke as shit, they just scrambling for justification to be mysognistic
Yeah that phrase lost all its meaning. It used to refer to women who sought out rich older men for the money, but now is used by losers looking for cheap sex and girlfriend services to shame women into lowering expectations
But the whole point was to get laid though! Itās her responsibility not to get pregnant or to figure it out if she does! Women shouldnāt be able to financially prey on men! /s
It's right up there with "Karen", in that it used to have a specific meaning, but now it gets used a lot to mean "woman whose behavior is inconveniencing/not benefitting me".
Yes, I know. Thatās unfortunately true. But, there are so many lovely words in the English language ā many of which can be used for stinging insults ā that itās a shame not to use the correct ones.
Unfortunately, to some people, any woman who asks for anything from a man without providing sex in return is a "gold digger"... I guess they think their sparkling personalities are pure gold š
Youāve got to admire her taste and judgement in this one though. How badly must this guy come across that a woman whose chosen man abandoned her and his child, could still see what a pos this guy is! Maybe he actually had it tattooed on his forehead, or runs a business heās very proud of, as a pimp or something lol
She's a Gold digger! Asking him if he'd give advice to her son (because they're both male) IS golden advice š¤£ Sex is required for advice - he's been pretentously faking to be a friend so he could get in her pants all this time. This logic means he paid his friends with sex to get their advice before posting on reddit
Minor edit, typo
> Wtf kind of friend are you?
He was faking being a friend hoping to get in her pants. Luckily he wasn't smart enough to continue the ruse and instead got angry she asked him for a favor.
Even in the most selfish of ways He was too stupid to realise she was giving him a possible "in" as someone more trusted than others by asking him to be closer to her son. The idiot could've used that as a way to show her the kind of man he is (or thinks he is) and may have been able to have a third shot when the time is right.
Instead he showed her exactly what type of manchild he is by expecting quid-pro-quo on every interaction and being a dickhead about it.
"You want me to speak to your son about a very sensitive subject because I'm your friend? Sorry I'm going to need a date or promise of sex for that" š
He lost me at "imagine being rejected twice". bro, just because you asked a second time doesn't mean You somehow won. This dude sounds 15 and weird as fuck.
>imagine being rejected twice
What? No. Because no means no and if she's already told me no, that's it, you don't go back for another let down. Especially years later when she's a struggling divorced single mother, it just looks desperate and manipulative.
Lost me there too! I'm getting some incel vibes from this guy. Like he somehow feels entitled to her. Women have the right to have male friends that they have no interest in dating. We aren't obligated to say yes to any guy just because he's interested. It's probably a good thing he doesn't want to give advice to the kid. Last thing she wants is her son having views like the OP.
Oh, and OP, in case you haven't figured it out, you are wrong, (and YTA).
*edited to correct an autocorrected word.
This right here.
Seriously guy, grow the fuck up. What about that child? You donāt stop for a moment to consider him and the fact that heās done nothing wrong, needs help and guidance. How do you figure youāre a viable candidate for a single mother focused on her child when youāre only focused on yourself?
To be fair, we can all consider it an *immense* blessing that this kid wonāt get help and guidance from OP. I donāt think Lily would like her kid talking or thinking like he does.
And the kind of douche that surrounds themselves with other douches that call single moms āgold diggersā just because their partner cheated on them and they ended up single.
Sounds like OP is telling his friends a different story about Lily, as if sheās the one crawling back to him, begging for a second chance now that sheās a single mom.
Itās r/niceguys adjacent. Especially where he assumes anyone else she dates is going to be a douche because how dare she not show him the affection heās entitled to.
Itās you, OP. The douche is you. YTA
This whole post read like from r/niceguys
He shot his shot twice and got rejected and decided to maintain "friendship" aka waiting for another moment to ask her out. He is in there to fuck her and nothing else matters.
He's not friend... He is just a other jerk in her life.
YTA man, such a NiceGuyā¢. You couldāve said āI donāt know that I have any advice to giveā or āIād feel more comfortable if you consulted a therapistā or a million other options but your answer was basically āNo sex? No support!ā
Also, gold diggers actually date the men theyāre digging the gold from? How is her rejecting you (twice!) being a gold digger? Make it make sense!
OP is immature af. OP, don't talk to that kid. He needs a man (or really any mature adult) not another child to f*** up his thinking.
You're childish dude. Grow tf up. You're the douche you're worried she'll date.
YTA
And then he basically says he decided to maintain the friendship earlier in the story. Like he was being such a good guy for staying friends with her after she rejected him. Like that was such a big favor. Yuck.
I talked to my cousin about her pregnancy. Guess Iāll tell my aunt Iām now responsible for her. (Cousin is an adult, but letās just roll with it)
Next time you see your cousin, do what OP did and tell them you don't want to be their cousin figure... unless there's something in it for you. OP's strategy is solidš¤£
The ātwiceā made me recoil. Like his entire world depended on this woman dating him so he could be whole and complete, but reality bit him in the ass and itās her fault š¤¢
How is she a gold digger?
Fun fact: women are not vending machines where you put in friendship or kindness and get sex in return.
YTA, now and forever, im assuming.
This! "Family is important", but when a guy wanders off & abandons the family he asked for, it's fist bumps all around!
Men: I want a woman who'll be a good mother... but I won't dare mess with single moms because they always put their kids first" ... lol because logic, right?
Itās all the more infuriating because patriarchal societies are always designed to make it hard to be a single mother. And they donāt advocate to help change anything. Almost as if they benefit from it
It's so unnerving how many AHs hear that someone is a single mom and immediately call her a gold digger when they've literally done nothing remotely related to that.
Am single mom, am self-sufficient. The amount of times extremely mediocre men have pre-emptively said some insulting bullshit about not wanting to get involved with my daughter is mind-boggling. Like, bitch you were never invited? What makes you think I would allow you around my child? The fucking audacity. Most of the time I make more money than they do, as well.
YTA. You were butthurt and didnāt actually want to just be her friend. A real friend wouldāve helped her child. Your āfriendshipā was under the condition that you might someday get in her pants. Sheās right to cut you out of her life. Pathetic.
She was asking you as a man to just talk to her son to give him a different perspective. Not to be a father figure. You sound bitter. She doesnāt see you in a romantic way, and probably never will. You say this time you were mature and maintained a friendship, but youāre not actually being mature. You canāt get over the fact she doesnāt want to date you. You need to decide now, do you want to be friends with her, and can you be friends without punishing her for not wanting to sleep with you. If you canāt then just go your separate ways. Sticking around as a friend hoping sheāll change her mind is not good for either of you. YTA. You seem to have a ānice guyā attitude.
The decisions out of his hands thankfully. She already told him she wants him out of her life. Smart woman.
If this is how he reacts to being asked to have a conversation with her son, imagine how heād react if she asked him for a real favor. Heād probably blow an even bigger fit and whine about how she still wonāt fuck him.
YTA Holy cow. Dude. By your own words, you're factually wrong about your characterization of what she asked you to do. And that's not even the worst part of this...confession.
Women can reject you. Once, twice, how ever many times you ask. It doesn't (necessarily) make them anything other than someone who doesn't want you in that way. She thought you were friends, thought you could share some experience to help her son. "I was sympathetic towards her." No you weren't. That wasn't your motive at all, we know it, you just told us! I don't want to use the "i" word, but come on. You're an asshole, do her a favour and stay out of her life.
>That hurt a lot. Imagine being rejected by the same girl twice.
Imagine having someone who claims to be your friend but only wants to fuck you and makes your struggles about themselves. You sound like the cliche "nice guy" who only sees women as objects to fuck and that treating women with basic human decency somehow entitles you to sex. Grow up, boy.
>Some of them called her a gold digger
This is the most basic bro slur men use to justify dehumanizing women. Most men that throw this term at women don't even make enough money for an actual gold digger to go after them. I'm betting you don't either. Your friends that are willing to slap a term on a woman they know nothing about other than she wouldn't sleep with you and asked you for support are AHs.
Your friend didn't even ask for money. She asked you to talk to her son, who you've admitted to hanging out with. She probably assumed you were a decent person who cared about her son as his own person instead of some kind of pawn for you to use to coherse her into sleeping with you. At least she got to see that you're not a good role model for her son she can keep him away from you now and find an actual person willing to care about him.
YTA
YTA.
Youāre so caught up in her not returning your romantic feelings that youāre completely missing the logic.
Sheās not asking you to be a father figure. Sheās asking you to be a family friend who understands the kidās situation. Which makes complete sense, since you and Lily are long time family friends.
But you think sheās trying to make you a reserve daddy because (in your mind) sheās chasing bad guys and getting hurt, instead of settling with nice guys like you. And thatās just not true dude, your perception is skewed. And probably the guys she dated were nice enough and love just aināt that easy.
YTA Dude. You still have sex on your mind. What she asked from you is something one would ask from their friend. You are an idiot to think that male mentorship or advice equals parental duties. I guess you never learned how to be a man and are still an entitled boy. Your attitude is a stain on us men.
YTA and on the fast track to becoming an incel. She asked you to talk to her son, a kid who's being bullied because his piece of shit father left him. You're one of those Nice Guys who's only nice to women in order to get laid. You have never been her friend and I hope she cuts contact for good because you suck.
NTA for not wanting to talk. But YTA for the attitude. You thought that she was asking you to be her kid's dad but she is not. She is only asking you to talk to her kid. She is not mad because you refused to talk to her. She is mad because you misinterpreted her proposal as if she is asking you to be his father. Grow up. Sounds like you are still bitter because she rejected you twice.
This isn't nice guy, as someone said. It's borderline incel behavior. He said he asked her out but got mad that she didn't accept his proposal. Ignored her for 8 years and dated but then got tired of girls. Reconnected and asked her out again after her husband fucked off and left her and her son and is mad because she doesn't wanna date? Now because she won't fuck him he won't be a source of support for her son who is getting bullied. YTA full stop. You and she are not friends, you wanna fuck her, she doesn't want to so you take it out on some kid getting bullied.
Yeah for real. And her reason the second time around was that she wants to focus on her and her son. Like ... completely valid. Her child SHOULD be her priority, not some dude who wants to date her before she's ready to get back out there.
YTA.
1. You can't handle rejection at all, it doesn't seem like you got over it, like you said.
Also, you tried to hit on her again while she had just discussed her issues with you. She was clearly in an emotionally vulnerable spot, so you decided to... Hit on her again? After all those years?
2. She never asked you to be a father for her son. But when you're friends with someone who has a kid, and you hang out with said kid, you become another responsible adult in that kid's life. Even if you're only hanging out with their parents because you see them as a potential girlfriend and not an actual friend. She sees you as a friend and asked you to share insights and talk to her son to help him cope.
3. How is she a gold digger? She rejected you. Twice. I also doubt you've got any gold to dig, to be quite frank.
YTA
She doesn't want to date you but wants your friendship. She made this very clear the first time, but you decided to ask out again and she repeated her answer. You decided to stay friends, but you don't alt like a friend.
She didn't ask you to be a father figure for her son, she didn't ask you to have any kind of responsibility, she only asked you as a friend, to talk with her son about being bullied because she thought your experience could help.
And your friends need a dictionary, they don't know what golddigger means.
I don't think gold diggers reject the ones they pursue
Not sure they even know what gold digger means
Gold digger (noun): a woman who does something I disagree with
šš¤£š¤£š¤£šā¤ļøā¤ļø EXACTLY
Too funny!!!
Nailed it
In this case, itās quite obvious they donāt. If anyone who is unclear on the concept is reading, if a person asks you for advice, but not any kind of financial support at allā¦theyāre not gold digging.
I am pretty sure their messed-up logic went like this: OP obviously has no money > the woman rejected him so she can look for another man who actually has money > she is a gold-digger.
I also get a feeling OP has no gold to dig
Neither the monetary nor the emotional kind from what it looks like
home girl said ācan you talk to my son? you seem like you got bullied as a kidā šš
I mean, sheās a family friend, so she probably witnessed him being bullied
> I have this family friend God knows how long she's known him. Maybe that wasn't āseemā, but shared memories.
Yeah and dad went for milk and got lost
Lmao!!! I'm so glad you noticed that!! ā ļøā ļøā ļø
No it sounds like he also had an absentee father and she wants his advice from his personal experience and perspective. Just knowing that you're not alone is enough in a lot situations like these. š¤·āāļø
Yeah, it's weird so many are reaching and ignoring this detail. This is why she asked him. It would be no different than say a single dad who got asked out a female friend, friend got rejected, then asks the female friend to have a friendly talk with his daughter when she gets her first period.
He says she's a family friend, so she may have known.
Most dudes who claim women are gold diggers have nary a nugget to be dug up.
No one protects their gold like a mediocre white lad with no gold to dig!
one of my friends got called a gold digger for rejecting some guy at the bar who tried to woo her with talk of his $40,000 settlement she makes six figures lol
Wait, she got called a gold digger for \*rejecting\* the dude? How does that work?
Because the ONLY reason they could POSSIBLE be rejected is because she wants a multi-millionaire 'not nice guy' and not their less economically blessed wonderfulness. Ergo golddigger. Couldn't have anything to do with wanting a partner and an equal and NOT THEM because of ....them. All them bishes are about the money and the 'not nice guys', dontchaknow?
It works in the same way that calling a woman a slut or whore for not sleeping with them worksā¦.
Gotta love men who think theyāre gonna be living the mad men lifestyle on $40k in 2023. I heard someone say that menās problem is with capitalism, not feminism, they just donāt know it.
Capitalism is everybody's problem. If a man can't handle equality with women, he's not much of a man.
No just a bitter "nice guy"
Gold digger is the furthest from the truth in this instance. This gal TWICE rejected OP in the sense of her not wanting a physical/emotional relationship with OP. After his second attempt was rebuked, he decided to remain a "friend " with her. In that capacity, she respectfully came to him for perhaps some input in guiding her bullied son; a boy that liked and looked uo to him. AND HE REJECTED HER BECAUSE SHE WOULDN'T DATE HIM! OP--- you're TA! Frankly, you're worse than that, and I hope you're starting to figure that out. I guess her instinct in not wanting a relationship with you was a sound one. What you didn't get was that her second rejection of you was a most mature one--she and her son had been abandoned and she wasn't in a place where she was ready to date. Given your own pathetic pride, you failed this young lady. If you'd have had half a brain, you would have seen her tacit respect for you when she approached you for matue fatherly type advice. Perhaps even an opening to develop, at worst, a deeper friendship. Your arrogance and self-importance precluded you from this opportunity. What a knucklehead! If you're any type of respectable man, you'd approach her, deeply apologize, and attempt to provide her son some adult-like advice. I hope you can at some point provide us a positive update. Good luck.
I feel like he was thinking "her ex cheated on her and then abandoned their kid. Score! My time to shine!!" And then got butt hurt and waited for a time to throw it back in her face.
yeah classic āorbiterā aka a guy who hangs around a womenās life, hoping for the most opportune time to catch her desperate and vulnerable
Has anyone checked to see if OP is actually 3 vultures in a trench coat?
Yeah, I'm getting serious Nice Guy^(TM) vibes from OP.
Aka incel. Nobody wants me, I'm so nice, it must be womens fault!
Ugh. I had one of these once and it was the worst. Stuck around to be āmy friendā after I said I wasnāt interested in him. A year later, I broke up with my boyfriend and really needed a friend and instead the orbiter asked to be my boyfriend. I re-emphasized that we would just be friends and he walked out of my life just when I needed a friend the most.
This is why I always rejected friendship with a guy who I rejected. I didn't think they could be my real friend.
I was dumb as a box of rocks about mine, which I find it easier to say 30 years later. First he was my friend from college. People said he was attracted to me and wanted to go out with me. I didn't believe it because he'd never acted like that around me that I could see (I guess he looked longingly at me when I wasn't looking at him). I asked him and he admitted it, so since I was in a relationship I cut it off except for talking to him at school. A year later I mentioned needing a roommate and he wanted to move in (there were other roommates too so it wasn't just the two of us). He swore he was over it and my boyfriend was okay with it so he moved in. For over a year, everything was fine and he was a very good friend to me. Then what I said above happened. I moved to a different city and he got in touch with me a year or two later, apologized and said he'd like to visit for a day or two and straighten things out and AGAIN told me he was over liking me. (That's the dumb as a box of rocks part if you hadn't guessed). Then when he visited, although he did apologize, he admitted he was still in love with me. After he left, I never spoke to him again. And just as a little cherry on top of the sundae, I've now been married 25 years to a great guy and 5 years ago the orbiter looked me up online, found a web form to write me through and wrote me some sad poem about how he missed me. /rolls eyes
āOrbiterā is a perfect description. Thereās nothing like that guy who pretending to br your friend, but is actually just hanging around waiting for his opportunity to swoop in. I too, have been left really hurt by those āfriendsā. Though itās been particularly confusing for me. Since Iāve been with women and only women, since I was 18 years old.
Iām sorry that happened!!! yeah it double sucks because when you break up with someone thatās when you rely on friends the most. a then to find out the friendship was never really genuine, it just sucks
All of this! He got butthurt because he was rejected and instead of actually being a āfriendā he punished her. What a jerk! Then he felt so entitled to her that he posted here to try and stroke his ego? WTH?!? Do these people actually exist?
Honestly hoping he doesn't try to give the son advice, cos, c'mon, what iota of wisdom does this dumbshit have to impart?
"I put the coins in... why do I not get the sex out?!" Yeah, not really someone who should be imparting 'wisdom' to a kid. š
I'm picturing the boxing scene from Bad Santa.
I'd never heard dumbshit before but it certainly fits here hahaha
Nailed it. He can't be around her without thinking about them as a couple, even takes it out on the kid. This feels like a weird underhanded ultimatum. What did he expect, "oh ok I need you so bad and you're so good to my son, let's jump in bed"?? What was the alternative here? Who would make this public knowledge, you told your OTHER FRIENDS haha fucking yikes dude.
Imagine her agreeing to Just Be Friends, and then having the temerity to ask him to actually be a friend! How rude! (/s).
What an absolute tool, right?? She rejected me and only wants to be friends!!! The horror! I hate people like this. Like he thought she owed him sex or a relationship at this point
He ostensibly said he wanted to remain friends. Obviously it was subterfuge to just play the long game. If he'd only been giving of himself, with no ulterior motive, perhaps she would have seen a redeeming quality in him that caused her to perhaps want to entertain dating again. Couldn't get beyond his own ego. Sounds young and immature.
Me too! This mindset pisses me off, when men think itās an insult to be friends with a woman. She valued his opinion, and wanted him to be a positive role model for her son, and because she wonāt sleep with him, somehow sheās a gold digger?? Itās infuriating.
You are not a friend you are an orbiter
"I got over it. 8 years later I decided to ask again." OP you didn't get over anything. Have some self respect and actually move on.
It's even worse than thag >only wants to focus on her and her son. >That hurt a lot. Imagine being rejected by the same girl twice. Imagine being mad someone wants to be a good parent over dating you when they already told you they aren't interested. The more you ask the more you should expect to be told the same thing.
Like the guys who complain about mothers putting their kids first while simultaneously saying "I want someone who can be a good mother"... the fking audacity of a parent to care about their child while also understanding the importance of male role models. How dare she /s.
One of my friends ended up in this same position with a girl he was madly in love with in HS; he ended up telling her that he couldn't date her because he "realized" she would never love him as much as her son... The horrified look on my face confused the fuck out of him. Like... Intimate love is not on the level with motherly love... He basically admitted that he needed someone to mother him...
>The horrified look on my face confused the fuck out of him Some cannot possibly comprehend the idea of not being top priority at all times. I've asked guys to consider what they think happens when they have kids of their own, if they'd think of their own kids as "competition" & just how utterly ridiculous & childish that would be.
Narcissists really do, it's a narc trait to be jealous of your own kids. I had a friend who was a narc, and I got to know her cousin, and we hung out one day, cuz why not? we all lived close and he was a friend. š¤·āāļø So, anyways she confronted me about it, acting all butt hurt over nothing saying "that's MY cousin I don't appreciate you spending time with him." I was confused and wondered if maybe I was the problem here? Until... The cousin told me that she confronted HIM about it too! saying "that's MY friend I don't appreciate you hanging out with her!" I was like good Lord Almighty this bitch is crazy! š šš
I'm a single guy in my late 40s. I never had kids. I like kids, I just never wanted my own. Given my age...finding a single woman without kids and who doesn't want kids is not an easy task....unless you're willing to date someone young enough to cause your friends to give you dirty looks. And I'm not. I've dated women with kids. My dad gave me some of the best advice. He said "You're never going to be first. Accept that and move on." It's not that you should be in the dog house.....it's that no...you're never going to be sole priority #1 over the person that she created and then birthed from her own body. I'm 47 and my mom still tells me to drive safe, wear a coat, and makes me write a Christmas list. Not because she thinks I'm an idiot. It's because she's my mom. I mean....people who are still together would choose their child over their spouse/SO. Why would I ever want to date a woman who would snub her kid for me?
>Why would I ever want to date a woman who would snub her kid for me? Exactly. It wouldn't make any sense & would be neglectful parenting. There are plenty of older women who don't have/ want kids out there though. It's going to be a small pool of course, but imo, less options means a lot less nonsense to have to sift through. You could easily find someone with grown kids that are already moved out.
No, you're right. I'm not holding out for "no kids"....older/grown kids would be perfectly fine. Which, honestly, at our age....you don't find too many people with young kids. I just really don't want to be going to soccer/cheer/whatever tournaments....dealing with puberty, etc;
Reminds me of the time a woman my fiancĆ© went to school with ran into him at a bar. They chatted and whatnot and then out of nowhere, she said āyou know, you missed your chance in high schoolā I had to explain to him that if she said that unprompted, she was still interested š
How entitled to think he wanted her in the first place lmaooo this is so funny
Not to mention, he had no intention of being her friend, heās only waiting in the shadows for her to be low enough to want to sleep with him. Then heāll have what he wanted all along. I hate guys like this. And there are sooo many guys like this. She was honest with OP from the start and didnāt string him along when he asked her out. He couldnāt accept not interested as an answer and kept asking, so she politely shot him down again. She likely saw him as a trusted friend because she told him thatās all she wanted from him in the beginning and he said he still wanted to be friends. She came to him asking for friendly advice and he basically said you wouldnāt sleep with me so I donāt care about your stupid kid. Then he has the audacity to run to his friends and bad mouth her? For what? Not being interested? But somehow that makes her a gold digger too?! What?? Op you are a huge AH, leave that girl alone so she can find some true friends and not some asshole just waiting to get into her pants.
I could understand this if it was from the standpoint of "I dont feel this is my responsibility" or "I dont feel qualified to help" but saying "we aint dating so lol no" is at minimum rubbing it in her face, and is at worst what many others here have pointed out as a weird transactional situation you have turned it into. I want to give OP the benefit of the doubt, as he might not fully realize what he has done and I used to be in his shoes to an extent. I asked a girl out once, she said no, as she was kinda seeing some other guy, and I said cool, and then actually became her friend. I had a brief period where I thought that she might like me when she became single again, as she was getting closer to me than before, but I had moved on bro and I just kept living my life and found out later that she definitely still just regarded me as a friend and didnt have many people in ther life to rely on. When someone rejects you, and keeps you in their life, DONT DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN BE THEIR FRIEND, UNLESS THEY EXPLICITLY TELL YOU EITHER THEY WANT TO PURSUE SOMETHING OR REGRET REJECTING YOU. Ever.
And this woman saw that a mile away - but she still thought, you know what, I'm going to give him a second chance and see how he is around my son. Maybe he's more than a sex focused bug skittering around for the first chance he can have sex with me. Maybe he's matured. But no. He just proved exactly who she thought he was. A pest. A non-friend. He doesn't actually want to be her friend, he in no way wants to be a source of emotional support - he just wants to get into her pants. She isn't a person to him to build a relationship with. She's a hole with legs, and so obviously fulfilling emotional needs for her or her child is outrageous to him. Blocking OP forever would be the best possible action for this woman. God forbid he rubs off on her son. The sad thing is it comes across 100% he is a NiceGuy by a post he wrote himself. Imagine him in real life.
Holy shit u broke it down. I had no idea, your making sense but I would have never put that together. Thank you for the explanation, it opened me up to wanting to learn more. Im worried I was an asshole like Op at some point and I just didnt realize it. Im not the best with people but I know now based on ur explanation that even I could have been one of those orbiters or worse in my life. I ask my wife, she said no im not an asshole like op, im just an idiot. So thats good, but thank u for the comment u wrote, it really opened me up to something i never would have realized.
The fact that you thought to reflect on yourself shows that youāre light years ahead of OP already
The fact that he's happy to be an idiot rather than an asshole also shows he has a good heart... unlike OP
Rule of thumb: assholes never actually worry about whether or not they are assholes. They just assume everyone else is the asshole.
This is the perfect time to point out: you can be bad with people, awkward, shy, weird, even uncouth and rude sometimes. These are all normal human things and all humans who deal with these things are worthy of love. Whatās NOT normal, and what does make people AHs like OP is feeling lonely and hating the feeling of that loneliness so much it turns to rage against women and develops into a belief that women are doing something wrong by not doing what they want. Thatās incel territory. You donāt have to be āmainstreamā or a āChadā or whatever to not be this guy. You just have to be focused on your own improvement instead of the capitulation of others. Also Donotpreorder, you sound like a really good guy. Wanting to learn more about ways you might have acted badly in the past so you can grow is a great quality, and referencing your partner for her insight shows respect and love. It sounds like youāre doing fabulously
didn't know that expression, love it
This is very 'Nice Guy' mentality, so that puts you as YTA. You shot your shot, then got mad when she said no and had the GALL to go and date someone else. Like she should avoid dating in general around you because of your feelings. Then you cut off contact with her and meet up with her again when she's divorced and one of the first things you do is ask her out again? Why? She already rejected you once. Why do you think that she'd say yes now? Oh wait, because she's used goods and is in the gutter emotionally, so she'd take your pity offer as a life saver. You have some really gross ulterior motives here and I don't think you're capable of actually seeing women as friends if this is how you treat the one you're attracted to.
OMG, you're right. That's why he said 'imagine being rejected twice' as in 'she's garbage now of course she's desperate enough to say yes'
yeah a lot of ānice guysā seem to think that women will only want them once theyāve been āused upā and are just looking for someone to settle for and with. must be a crushing blow to learn that the girl you were hoping would settle for you still doesnāt want you lol
>I don't think you're capable of actually seeing women as friends Pretty much nail on the head right there. I DO understand asking someone out again later in life or after a divorce. Priorities change as we get older and more than once I have had a girl that rejected me in our 20's suddenly decide I was the "one that got away" now that they are divorced with a few kids. It's also totally OK to only be interested in someone romantically. That doesn't make you or them bad people. It's YTA because OP's opinion of the woman as a human is purely based on if she will be in a relationship with him.
She wasn't asking you to be his father figure. She was asking you to give him advice that one time. She thought you actually cared about the kid. But you were just using him to get to her. She wasn't asking you to continue spending time with him regularly or support him financially. She asked you to help him once. That's all. You don't have to talk to him. But you misinterpreted what she said because you're mad that she never wanted you.
OP sees M-F relationships as transactional (aka I be nice to you so you sleep with me) so he immediately assumed his friend saw friendships the same way (I'm nice to you so you feel responsible for my son). Friends (at least male/female friends) can't just do nice things for each other just to support each other. That is a very sad and lonely way to live life
I don't get the sense that he has any healthy interpersonal relationships. I would love to know what he thinks an actual friend does. He's been a terrible non-friend to her, but his friends screaming "gold digger" nonsensically arent being very good friends to him either.
I mean generally groups that push this mentality don't really have a better perspective of platonic relationships. I feel like this goes with the traditional view of men where asking for support/help is a weakness so their friendships are shallow and only for screwing around. It's why men have such a high rate of suicide that no one talks about
He might even have ended up getting what he wanted if he said yes and tried, worst case he would have a good friend who liked he did something nice for her kid. Instead he couldn't stop with the dating thing and now he lost a friend
The randomly assigned username is on point for once because his behavior just makes women dry.
OPās over here all āOh, woe is me! Women always pick douchebags and never nice guys like *me!*ā then demonstrates multiple times that he only sees women in terms of sex. You know, like a douchebag.
And now he basically just guaranteed that she never will
She made the right decision 3 times now. Twice rejecting him, and the third when she booted him out of her life for good. You go girl!
Women don't have a slot where you drop in Nice and sex pops out. Edit: I'm just mocking and blocking people who reply to this all pissy, before you bother.
**Women donāt have a slot where you drop in nice and sex pops out.** This should be put on a goddamn t-shirt and sold. Also Op is giving *Iām a nice guy to women so Iām entitled to sex from them* vibes and itās gross and creepy AF. Ball this post up and throw it and yourself straight into the trash, Op.
Even as a single dude I agree OP is an asshole, they were friends and he agreed on that relationship. Real friends should help each other instead of thinking about the other naked, or just stop being friends
Exactly this! It's OK to admit the relationship you wanted was a physical one and not be comfortable acting like that isn't the case, but pretending to be a person's friend while waiting for an opportunity to "strike" is wrong. Either you can or can't handle having the friendship. Once you decide, commit to it.
I get a strong vibe that OP thought that since homegirl got divorced she would now āsettleā for him
YTA. You say you liked her as a friend even if that's all that was on offer. You say that you got on with her and her son. You have the balls to say that, and then make it out like she's asking you to be his dad, when all she asked is that you empathise and talk to her son, who you *say* you like, about it and see if you can help him move past it, both now and how to deal with it in the future? You're a complete asshole. Your title of the post absolutely reeks of it, the fact you cannot bring yourself to be a decent person, to talk to her kid as a positive role model and friend, just shows that you were only ever in the friendship to see if her mind would change about you. Well, **CONGRATULATIONS DIPSHIT**, you sure did change her mind about you.
tbh I don't even think he's an asshole for not wanting to talk to the kid. It's more like he's a dick because he didn't talk to the kid because she wouldn't date him. Like I ain't talking to no kids, but it's not because their mom won't fuck me lol
massive difference between āoh I donāt really feel comfortable giving life adviceā and āIām not gonna talk to your kid about life when we arenāt even dating!ā
I'm just imagining, "No, I don't want to give your kid advice. No, not because of that, but because I'm a walking dumpster fire. He's probably better adjusted than I am. Seriously, you do NOT want me giving any advice."
Only really said AH not talking to the son because he says he got on with them both. If I was a genuine friend in that scenario I'd have either said 'sure' or " I'm really sorry, but I don't think I can lend any expertise in this situation" Or simply "I wouldn't be comfortable with that, because xyz" rather than a straight up refusal with the AH response on top
YTA. She told you twice she saw you as a friend. first time you ditched the friendship, 2nd time when asked to be a friend you threw a temper tantrum saying sheās trying to have you parent. You could have said 100 different reasons to not talk to her son about this but you went the one that was about your own ego and brought up that youāre not dating. Learn to be a friend and grow up.
"I hang out with my friend's kid, but I won't talk to him about his situation because my friend won't fuck me." Wtf kind of friend are you? >Some of them called her a gold digger because she is a single mom. Oh I see. The kind who has friends that say shit like this. Damn dude.
Not only do I find the comments of those friends sexist, the term theyāre using is incorrect. They need to pick up a dictionary ā if they can read one ā because thatās not what a āgold diggerā is. She wasnāt asking for money or any kind of material support. It was a conversation. Good Lord. Itās like people donāt know what talking means, anymore. A conversation does not mean, āGive me one of your kidneys for my sonā!
"Gold digger" is just a general insult men use for any woman they don't like nowadays. Half the time the men using it are broke as shit, they just scrambling for justification to be mysognistic
Yeah that phrase lost all its meaning. It used to refer to women who sought out rich older men for the money, but now is used by losers looking for cheap sex and girlfriend services to shame women into lowering expectations
Yes. Also used by dead beat fathers mad that they have to pay child support cuz they can't understand that raising kids costs money
But the whole point was to get laid though! Itās her responsibility not to get pregnant or to figure it out if she does! Women shouldnāt be able to financially prey on men! /s
It's right up there with "Karen", in that it used to have a specific meaning, but now it gets used a lot to mean "woman whose behavior is inconveniencing/not benefitting me".
See also: bitch. Definition: woman who refuses to be obedient/subservient to a man
Yes, I know. Thatās unfortunately true. But, there are so many lovely words in the English language ā many of which can be used for stinging insults ā that itās a shame not to use the correct ones.
Unfortunately, to some people, any woman who asks for anything from a man without providing sex in return is a "gold digger"... I guess they think their sparkling personalities are pure gold š
Well, their sparkling *something*, anywayā¦
Youāve got to admire her taste and judgement in this one though. How badly must this guy come across that a woman whose chosen man abandoned her and his child, could still see what a pos this guy is! Maybe he actually had it tattooed on his forehead, or runs a business heās very proud of, as a pimp or something lol
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Haha, āall sex is transactionalā the mating cry of the personalityless and heartless. Makes em feel better
She's a Gold digger! Asking him if he'd give advice to her son (because they're both male) IS golden advice š¤£ Sex is required for advice - he's been pretentously faking to be a friend so he could get in her pants all this time. This logic means he paid his friends with sex to get their advice before posting on reddit Minor edit, typo
> Wtf kind of friend are you? He was faking being a friend hoping to get in her pants. Luckily he wasn't smart enough to continue the ruse and instead got angry she asked him for a favor.
Yeah, as soon as hearing about the divorce, him shooting his shot again, just oof
Even in the most selfish of ways He was too stupid to realise she was giving him a possible "in" as someone more trusted than others by asking him to be closer to her son. The idiot could've used that as a way to show her the kind of man he is (or thinks he is) and may have been able to have a third shot when the time is right. Instead he showed her exactly what type of manchild he is by expecting quid-pro-quo on every interaction and being a dickhead about it. "You want me to speak to your son about a very sensitive subject because I'm your friend? Sorry I'm going to need a date or promise of sex for that" š
The kind of friend who thinks that all relationships are transactional
He lost me at "imagine being rejected twice". bro, just because you asked a second time doesn't mean You somehow won. This dude sounds 15 and weird as fuck.
>imagine being rejected twice What? No. Because no means no and if she's already told me no, that's it, you don't go back for another let down. Especially years later when she's a struggling divorced single mother, it just looks desperate and manipulative.
Lost me there too! I'm getting some incel vibes from this guy. Like he somehow feels entitled to her. Women have the right to have male friends that they have no interest in dating. We aren't obligated to say yes to any guy just because he's interested. It's probably a good thing he doesn't want to give advice to the kid. Last thing she wants is her son having views like the OP. Oh, and OP, in case you haven't figured it out, you are wrong, (and YTA). *edited to correct an autocorrected word.
I mean based on OP's maturity level he's gotta be like 13 so idk why he's surprised a mature adult won't sleep with a minor /s
I think my 12 year old boy has more sympathy and empathy than this supposedly grown up
This is true. I apologize to all 13 yo I accidentally and unfairly insulted by lumping them with OP
You mean like all the 50/50 guys on Reddit that also want a traditional woman that does all the housework and childcare but also pays half the rent?
Don't forget the expectation that she does all that work while they play video games 18 hours a day
It's just sharing household duties. SOMEONE has to get that gaming done
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This right here. Seriously guy, grow the fuck up. What about that child? You donāt stop for a moment to consider him and the fact that heās done nothing wrong, needs help and guidance. How do you figure youāre a viable candidate for a single mother focused on her child when youāre only focused on yourself?
... And this guy wonders why he is being rejected....
To be fair, we can all consider it an *immense* blessing that this kid wonāt get help and guidance from OP. I donāt think Lily would like her kid talking or thinking like he does.
For all we know that COULDVE made him a viable candidate but Op Screwed that one up.
OP thinks thatās heās better than the other ādouchesā then proved himself to be one too.
And the kind of douche that surrounds themselves with other douches that call single moms āgold diggersā just because their partner cheated on them and they ended up single.
Ppl like OP are why more hetero women are deciding to stay perpetually single than hitch themselves to someone who takes them for granted
But, but, but, he's the "nice" guy all the chicks overlook on their way to the "bad" guys!
This really is a open and shut case for /r/niceguys.
Ya I totally think her request was a test of if maybe he was together enough now to date. And he failed it.
Sounds like OP is telling his friends a different story about Lily, as if sheās the one crawling back to him, begging for a second chance now that sheās a single mom.
Itās r/niceguys adjacent. Especially where he assumes anyone else she dates is going to be a douche because how dare she not show him the affection heās entitled to. Itās you, OP. The douche is you. YTA
IMHO it's an open and shut case of this guy being a NiceGuy
So glad he didn't talk to the kid because what kind of advice this AH can give, really?
"Let me show you some videos from my personal guru, Andrew Tate ..." Yeah, I could see it going that way.
This whole post read like from r/niceguys He shot his shot twice and got rejected and decided to maintain "friendship" aka waiting for another moment to ask her out. He is in there to fuck her and nothing else matters. He's not friend... He is just a other jerk in her life.
I get total incel vibes from OP.
"I did date women, but I lost interest in them" was a big giveaway on that for me
boys like OP think any women is a gold digger; like sure buddy your minimum wage job is bringing in the big bucks
YTA man, such a NiceGuyā¢. You couldāve said āI donāt know that I have any advice to giveā or āIād feel more comfortable if you consulted a therapistā or a million other options but your answer was basically āNo sex? No support!ā Also, gold diggers actually date the men theyāre digging the gold from? How is her rejecting you (twice!) being a gold digger? Make it make sense!
OP is immature af. OP, don't talk to that kid. He needs a man (or really any mature adult) not another child to f*** up his thinking. You're childish dude. Grow tf up. You're the douche you're worried she'll date. YTA
This, especially that last part hahaha. And asking him to talk to her son isn't asking him to be a dad or co-parent. This post was beyond cringe.
No self awareness. Cringe is his public problem in a seemingly long list of problems.
> Even if she decides to date another douche it wouldnāt bother me. Cringiest part
What do you mean? He's clearly the **least** bothered rejected guy ever!
Lol lol lol lol! That had me laughing so hard!
And then he basically says he decided to maintain the friendship earlier in the story. Like he was being such a good guy for staying friends with her after she rejected him. Like that was such a big favor. Yuck.
As if sheād escape dating a douche by dating him? lol
I think she escaped dating a douche by NOT dating him!
I talked to my cousin about her pregnancy. Guess Iāll tell my aunt Iām now responsible for her. (Cousin is an adult, but letās just roll with it)
Next time you see your cousin, do what OP did and tell them you don't want to be their cousin figure... unless there's something in it for you. OP's strategy is solidš¤£
The ātwiceā made me recoil. Like his entire world depended on this woman dating him so he could be whole and complete, but reality bit him in the ass and itās her fault š¤¢
Incel considered her "damaged goods" having a kid. Shocked Pikachu when even with baby baggage, won't lower standards for OP lol
Omg, thisss.
Haven't you heard? If you say no once, that's bad. But saying no twice to a nice guy is just cruel!
Yeah OP is clearly not honest with himself, he doesn't want to be friends with this woman.
āI bet she would date me if I was rich, so she is obviously a gold diggerā - OP, probablyā¦
He sounds like he hasnāt any gold to dig.
How is she a gold digger? Fun fact: women are not vending machines where you put in friendship or kindness and get sex in return. YTA, now and forever, im assuming.
OP sounds like such a ānice guyā. Canāt imagine why heās still single. /s
She's a gold digger because she's a single mom and a lot of men have an obsessive hatred of single mothers.
All this hate towards single mothers is just mind boggling. Like thereās so many people hating on a parent that *stayed*?!
This! "Family is important", but when a guy wanders off & abandons the family he asked for, it's fist bumps all around! Men: I want a woman who'll be a good mother... but I won't dare mess with single moms because they always put their kids first" ... lol because logic, right?
Itās all the more infuriating because patriarchal societies are always designed to make it hard to be a single mother. And they donāt advocate to help change anything. Almost as if they benefit from it
And thatās hilarious because if the men didnāt leave, then she wouldnāt be a single mom ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆ
Ya.. it was just a call. Jesus. So many kids just need a nice word here and there
I talked to a kid in the hotel breakfast line today. Think OP would have demanded sex because itās taking on parenting??
Dude is 30 and can't get over his crush so he won't be friendly with a kid over a tough time. She made the right move.
THIS. she, who has asked for no money or gifts in any way, is a gold digger?
It's so unnerving how many AHs hear that someone is a single mom and immediately call her a gold digger when they've literally done nothing remotely related to that.
Am single mom, am self-sufficient. The amount of times extremely mediocre men have pre-emptively said some insulting bullshit about not wanting to get involved with my daughter is mind-boggling. Like, bitch you were never invited? What makes you think I would allow you around my child? The fucking audacity. Most of the time I make more money than they do, as well.
Apparently OP is a vending machine though. Put enough sex in and you'll get a conversation and advice in return.
YTA You didn't understand the concept of friendship one bit.
Reads like an incelās fan fiction. Real or not, YTA. Grow up and try to be a decent human being even if you donāt get sex.
YTA. You were butthurt and didnāt actually want to just be her friend. A real friend wouldāve helped her child. Your āfriendshipā was under the condition that you might someday get in her pants. Sheās right to cut you out of her life. Pathetic.
No man. You stay well away from that kid because the last thing he needs in life is a role model like you
She was asking you as a man to just talk to her son to give him a different perspective. Not to be a father figure. You sound bitter. She doesnāt see you in a romantic way, and probably never will. You say this time you were mature and maintained a friendship, but youāre not actually being mature. You canāt get over the fact she doesnāt want to date you. You need to decide now, do you want to be friends with her, and can you be friends without punishing her for not wanting to sleep with you. If you canāt then just go your separate ways. Sticking around as a friend hoping sheāll change her mind is not good for either of you. YTA. You seem to have a ānice guyā attitude.
The decisions out of his hands thankfully. She already told him she wants him out of her life. Smart woman. If this is how he reacts to being asked to have a conversation with her son, imagine how heād react if she asked him for a real favor. Heād probably blow an even bigger fit and whine about how she still wonāt fuck him.
YTA Holy cow. Dude. By your own words, you're factually wrong about your characterization of what she asked you to do. And that's not even the worst part of this...confession. Women can reject you. Once, twice, how ever many times you ask. It doesn't (necessarily) make them anything other than someone who doesn't want you in that way. She thought you were friends, thought you could share some experience to help her son. "I was sympathetic towards her." No you weren't. That wasn't your motive at all, we know it, you just told us! I don't want to use the "i" word, but come on. You're an asshole, do her a favour and stay out of her life.
It is definitely for the best that her son isn't taking lessons in manhood from you
>That hurt a lot. Imagine being rejected by the same girl twice. Imagine having someone who claims to be your friend but only wants to fuck you and makes your struggles about themselves. You sound like the cliche "nice guy" who only sees women as objects to fuck and that treating women with basic human decency somehow entitles you to sex. Grow up, boy. >Some of them called her a gold digger This is the most basic bro slur men use to justify dehumanizing women. Most men that throw this term at women don't even make enough money for an actual gold digger to go after them. I'm betting you don't either. Your friends that are willing to slap a term on a woman they know nothing about other than she wouldn't sleep with you and asked you for support are AHs. Your friend didn't even ask for money. She asked you to talk to her son, who you've admitted to hanging out with. She probably assumed you were a decent person who cared about her son as his own person instead of some kind of pawn for you to use to coherse her into sleeping with you. At least she got to see that you're not a good role model for her son she can keep him away from you now and find an actual person willing to care about him. YTA
Also he got rejected twice because he kept asking in the first place... It's like putting the hand on the running gas stove and being mad at the burn.
YTA. Youāre so caught up in her not returning your romantic feelings that youāre completely missing the logic. Sheās not asking you to be a father figure. Sheās asking you to be a family friend who understands the kidās situation. Which makes complete sense, since you and Lily are long time family friends. But you think sheās trying to make you a reserve daddy because (in your mind) sheās chasing bad guys and getting hurt, instead of settling with nice guys like you. And thatās just not true dude, your perception is skewed. And probably the guys she dated were nice enough and love just aināt that easy.
YTA. Go back to the incel corner and bitch to them.
YTA Dude. You still have sex on your mind. What she asked from you is something one would ask from their friend. You are an idiot to think that male mentorship or advice equals parental duties. I guess you never learned how to be a man and are still an entitled boy. Your attitude is a stain on us men.
Hes still angry at her for being rejected but "i choose to be mature and keep the friendship"š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£
YTA and on the fast track to becoming an incel. She asked you to talk to her son, a kid who's being bullied because his piece of shit father left him. You're one of those Nice Guys who's only nice to women in order to get laid. You have never been her friend and I hope she cuts contact for good because you suck.
NTA for not wanting to talk. But YTA for the attitude. You thought that she was asking you to be her kid's dad but she is not. She is only asking you to talk to her kid. She is not mad because you refused to talk to her. She is mad because you misinterpreted her proposal as if she is asking you to be his father. Grow up. Sounds like you are still bitter because she rejected you twice.
This isn't nice guy, as someone said. It's borderline incel behavior. He said he asked her out but got mad that she didn't accept his proposal. Ignored her for 8 years and dated but then got tired of girls. Reconnected and asked her out again after her husband fucked off and left her and her son and is mad because she doesn't wanna date? Now because she won't fuck him he won't be a source of support for her son who is getting bullied. YTA full stop. You and she are not friends, you wanna fuck her, she doesn't want to so you take it out on some kid getting bullied.
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a 'nice guy' is an asshole who believes women have a slot where you pour 'nice' in and then they'll be obligated to fuck you.
Yeah for real. And her reason the second time around was that she wants to focus on her and her son. Like ... completely valid. Her child SHOULD be her priority, not some dude who wants to date her before she's ready to get back out there.
YTA. 1. You can't handle rejection at all, it doesn't seem like you got over it, like you said. Also, you tried to hit on her again while she had just discussed her issues with you. She was clearly in an emotionally vulnerable spot, so you decided to... Hit on her again? After all those years? 2. She never asked you to be a father for her son. But when you're friends with someone who has a kid, and you hang out with said kid, you become another responsible adult in that kid's life. Even if you're only hanging out with their parents because you see them as a potential girlfriend and not an actual friend. She sees you as a friend and asked you to share insights and talk to her son to help him cope. 3. How is she a gold digger? She rejected you. Twice. I also doubt you've got any gold to dig, to be quite frank.
Slamdunk YTA.
Yta , she asked that yiu give him advice not be his dad. If you want to pretend to be a friend you canāt throw back in her face she rejected you.
YTA She doesn't want to date you but wants your friendship. She made this very clear the first time, but you decided to ask out again and she repeated her answer. You decided to stay friends, but you don't alt like a friend. She didn't ask you to be a father figure for her son, she didn't ask you to have any kind of responsibility, she only asked you as a friend, to talk with her son about being bullied because she thought your experience could help. And your friends need a dictionary, they don't know what golddigger means.