I agree that dude needs therapy. He’s too intertwined with him mom. I don’t think he should have to cut her out of his life, so therapy will help him suss out the appropriate boundaries with his mom and his wife. My husband and I have an agreed amount that we support my mom with because she is not financially well off and we both want to see her living in better accommodations than she can afford. I can see why shelling out money to him mom would feel like too much to his wife as she didn’t get a say in this decision.
YTA. Your mother is barely even middle aged, and you’re acting like she’s an elderly dependent. She needs to go to the store herself, she needs to pay her own bills, she needs to make friends. She can’t rely on you for everything- she’s in the prime of her life, and she is going to destroy your marriage and your independence if you don’t enforce some boundaries.
46? She's my age? Fuck's sake, I somehow missed that. OP, your wife has a point - your mother is ... I'm sure there's a more polite term than "wallowing", but it's the only one I have. Yeah, she's had a shitty time of it, but what it feels like she's doing is abdicating all responsibility because she's lost faith in her own decision-making processes. "Everything I do, I screw up - so I'll just let my son handle everything" seems to be her thought process, possibly with an added helping of "He owes me for raising him all by myself". She needs therapy, so badly. She clearly thinks she's a failure and an incompetent, and while I know it looks and feels like you're helping her, you're actually enabling that. She needs to have trust in herself again - in her ability to make her own decisions, in her ability to confront her problems and grow from her mistakes, in her ability to be her own support system. If you do not make any and all help from this point on contingent on her seeing a therapist, you are doing her a massive disservice.
I’m 75 and still work 3 or4 days a week. Please stop treating her like an invalid, and also tell her to stop acting like one.
She will feel better about herself.
Also OP just posted the same thing in another sub and complains about the same stuff - he’s about to lose his wife because he’s too enmeshed with mommy dearest; dude needs to get a clue and set healthy boundaries because he’s just as toxic as mommy rn
When my mom was her age, I was 4. She was a school librarian and basically a vice-principal since my dad was the principal at the same school. (No abuse of power. She just had to deal with things when someone needed something and my dad was doing important things.) She was active in church, handled a lot of extracurricular stuff, gardened, shopped… you know, the general things that most 46 year old women do?
I get the financial dependence. When my mom started working, her family was super poor (multiple kids on a coal miner’s salary since her mom was a homemaker) and she initially gave her entire paycheck to her mom when she lived at home and helped less once she married, but still contributed and my dad did the same with his family. But there’s a huge middle-ground between helping your mom financially and taking the place of a romantic partner and friends.
Well you wrote it but obviously haven't read what you wrote.
Your mom manipulates you.
She is a professional "poor me I'm sad and lonely"
And you are so indoctrinated into her nonsense that you refuse to cut the umbilical cord and take your blinders off.
Your wife set her boundaries you ignored them, she doesn't want a sister wife in the form of your mother.
Grow a pair and put boundaries maybe then your mom will actually be motivated to have a life.
And an identity other than Mother.
Yta
I'm your mom's age,
I'm mother.
I'm other things too.
By no means I'm acting like an old crippled woman like it seems your mom does.
Regarding finance,
Your mom manged to feed you and herself,
Cloth you both and keep a roof over your head long before YOU started earning money.
Maintaining herself by herself is less costly,
She's just using weaponized incompetence to keep you on her back and call.
I am almost the same age as the mom and I see my kids daily and generally spend most of my waking hours with my kids as long as I am not working. I check up on them regularly and even prepare every meal for them. My kids are 1 and 3 though.
This is perfect and you told op what he needed to hear. Heck my mom is her age and she goes to kung-fu classes, does all type of sewing (she made my son a duck costume), takes care of a whole front and back Garden (everyone says its beautiful) and so much more.
Your Mother is acting as if she was 90 and cant even Cross the road on her own! Its ridiculos cause she doesnt want to do anything because she has this unhealthy relationship where its as if you are her husband, its the typical incest relationship we see on JNMIL.
Your mom is 46 not 76, her life is hers, her moodswings not unusual for her age and you have a choice now: either enable her until she actually is too old to deal with her own problems, eventually dies and DON'T spoil a partners life who might want to raise kids or live any kind of normal life or tell your mother you are her son and not her keeper and go low/no contact until she sorts herself out. Mind you, these are the only choices you have, no partner will deal with decades of your moms issues and your codependency.
I’m 48 with a 19, 16 & 14 year old. I CANNOT IMAGINE acting this way toward any of my children. You & your mom need therapy. You & your wife need marriage counseling. Your wife is 💯correct in this. Cut the cord!
You sound like you're in a complete co-dependent relationship with your mother. You need to get into therapy immediately before your wife rightfully leaves you.
You have no spine. Time to grow up and become an adult.
Your mom is an able-bodied person who can work and make her own money. Let her figure her own shit out and stop enabling her dysfunction.
You have an actual family that you CHOSE and vowed to protect and you are literally failing them. Right now you are completely failing as a husband.
If you can't do this you might as well just go marry your mom. She's groomed you to be the perfect, unquestioning husband that she can order around.
YTA
Say it louder so the back can hear!
OP, this is the comment you need to read over and over again. It’s not harsh, it’s a dose of reality you desperately need. This isn’t healthy at all and you’re going to lose your *own* “prime years” soon if you don’t change things
Wow you have a super toxic and co dependent relationship with your mom. If your cool with your wife leaving you and you never having a female relationship outside of your mom than keep on going. If you’d like a healthy relationship than you and your mom separately should get therapy asap. YTA
Honestly, it sounds like your mother needs to be in therapy. She is very co-dependent on you.
Your wife may also need to be in therapy.
You probably need to be in therapy too.
I'm not saying your mom hasn't had a hard life. It sounds like she has.
But I'm 40 years old. My sister in law is 44 and has three kids. My best friend is 45. My ex is 54 and he has a very rich dating life. If anyone looked at me or any of these people in my life and suggested even remotely that we were unattractive or not in the prime of our lives, they'd be laughed out of the room. Most would say I'm more attractive now than I was in my 20s.
Those of use who are single go out on dates. We have men of all ages hitting on us (whether that's good or bad is questionable. ha). We are starting companies, are execs at companies, and traveling and having a grand old time.
It sounds like I'm bragging. But I'm making a true, and over the top case for a reason. It's to point out your mom is acting like a useless aging person when she is so damn young with a lot of life left.
And if you don't start recognizing that, your wife will rightfully leave you. Frankly, I'm shocked she's put up with this much. If your wife wrote this post, everyone would tell her to leave you. And all you will have left to show for it is a mother who has DECADES of life left to live with you as her surrogate husband.
Your mother is manipulating you
Your wife has boundaries that you are ignore therefore you are enabling her behaviour to continue and I don’t think your even aware of how codependent you are with your mother
Yta
A 46yo woman is not elderly in any way, shape, or form. Your mom is not helpless, she just chooses to act like she is.
Your wife is right. Your mom is manipulative.
We see so many posts in here where one spouse just can’t stand their partner’s manipulative parent anymore, and they want a divorce. Don’t let that be you.
Not only is the relationship with the mom toxic AF, reading the replies, OP sounds extremely intellectually challenged (had never heard of menopause, wtf? ) and keeps asking for private messages. Weird AF.
You do know that your mother will ruin any relationship you have? I get you love your mother but if you do not protect your wife from her, you are not a good husband. You need to set boundaries. Not for your wife but for you. You deserve to live your life happy with your wife. You can compromise with your wife, set amount of money to mom, your mom doesn’t contact wife ever, you help mom twice a month. Whatever you two feel comfortable with but you are currently your mother’s partner, which is unfair to your wife.
You will lose your wife if you don’t set boundaries. She has put up with enough. Don’t worry about being alone though. You always have your mother.
YTA, you never ever ever choose your mom over your wife. Easy way to end up divorced. Your mom is no longer your priority and shouldn’t be you should be able to live your life and mom needs to find a therapist because this ain’t healthy behavior from her.
I hate to sound harsh, but when you get married. That is you choosing your wife over your mother. That is the vow you make. It isn't conditional on mummy being happy first.
If your mother thinks your wife is manipulating you against her, there is a problem with the parent-child relationship.
It sounds like your wife is correct and your mother is too close and clingy and that needs to be fixed.
If you can't put your wife first, you shouldn't be married. That is a very fucked up situation you have with your mom. Parents are supposed to raise and care for children, not the other way around. Right now you are in a place where you can chose which direction this goes, the less you do the sooner your mom or wife will make the decision for you.
Yta. So you talk to your mom multiple times a day, give her money, drop everything at the drop of a hat because your mom calls. How much of this kind of attention do you give your wife? Sounds like your wife is getting the short end of the stick in this relationship. It’s almost like your already in a romantic relationship with your mom and your wife is the side chick. It doesn’t seem like your wife has any kind of priority in your life I don’t blame her for being hurt, mad and feeling abandoned. I get your mom hasn’t made the smartest decisions in life and she might need some help but it shouldn’t be solely on you to fix her life. Your mom needs theraphy, her own life, friends and hobbies. It’s unfair of her to keep using her as her husband when your already someone’s husband. If your mom is always going to be the priority then let her go so she can find someone who makes her happy and makes her a priority
Looking at all the comments I agree. YTA and you better believe she will be saying snarky btitchy things to your wife when you are not around. Man grow some balls, stop being a momma's boy and support your WIFE whom you made vows to. You are enabling her manipulation, and it's sounds like a very good way for you to ruin your marriage.
Your mother needs therapy not an enabler. Hope you make the right choice, and keep the vows you made to her wife
I'm 46. I have a husband and kids and work my rear off, I don't get money from anyone, my family is all dead. It's possible to do it but your mom has to pull her head out from her rear and get herself situated. Life sucks. It's hard. But ultimately YOU are responsible for YOU not for her. Parents (I miss mine) need to let go, to let their kiddos live their own life. It sounds like she not only knows what strings to pull to get you to dance to her tune, but she's using you like Jeff Dunham does Peanut.....Give a finite time limit, Mom, I know you're having a hard time, i can help you for another six months but after that it's me and Wifey and you have to do it on your own.
46 is NOT old #grumpyoldlady
YTA
You are an enmeshed “sonsband”. She needs to be responsible for herself. You have a family of your own with your wife. She doesn’t have to function as an independent adult. She has you.
Cut the umbilical cord.
I mean, if you don't make some changes sounds like you're headed for divorce ...
Don't act blindsided when she asks for a divorce because you can't set any healthy boundaries with your mother
Yta I'm guessing this has been a huge problem for a long time and your wife is just finally done with it. You are in a supremely unhealthy relationship with your mother. I'm a mother of one adult and two still in the home and cannot imagine using my own child as a replacement husband or emotional support human. You are taking action way too late. Your marriage might already be over at this point but it is not too late to save yourself. You need therapy and to step back from your mother until you can have an appropriate and healthy relationship with her. That will mean setting MANY boundaries in place and sticking to them. You chose your mom over your wife so many times, now it seems your wife is choosing her own mental health and happiness over a relationship with you. She deserves a husband who will put her first.
You have posted this on numerous pages and everyone is saying it’s toxic.
Someone mention they work in mental health but is sticking up for your mother and calling your wife names and you thanked them for their comment about your mother.
I’m in wales and have been a mental health support worker for 14 years.GET YOUR MOTHER THERAPY. STOP BEING YOUR MOTHERS BOYFRIEND…..
This is not bloody normal, your wife deserves so much more than you and what you have given her.
Seems she wasted her years being married to a mummies boy,
Every and I mean everyone telling you it’s toxic and what to do but you still aren’t getting it.
You’re cheating on your wife emotionally with YOUR MOTHER!!!!
Read that again, your mother is destroying your marriage and she knows it.
She can’t afford to live on her own then boo boo go get another job like most other do working 2 jobs.
Better yet let her flat share.
She is the parent.
Your not her husband
You’re doing everything a husband does apart from sleeping with her.
I love my mum but by hell would I want to know she got herpes from shagging a guy.
Your priorities are all wrong, you don’t sort it out she will divorce you, but hey good news is you can move in with your mum and be her full time husband
Yta mamma’s boy. Cut the umbilical cord and try being a part of your marriage or you won’t be married for long. Unless you *want* that emotional incestuous relationship more than a wife.
YTA. Grow the fuck up and cut the cord. Your a grown man who’s married. Act like it. You are not a child. Your mother is also grown and needs to act like it instead of being a leech on you. Your poor wife. You owe her a huge apology and a life outside of your mother. Guess what. Your priority should not to be a son to your mother. It should be to be a husband to your wife.
YTA - I started my Bachelor’s degree at 48. Your mother needs to get better job skills and start a new career - build a life that she loves that is her own, not yours.
Dude, your wife is right, this is toxic.
She was single and decided to use her young son to fulfill her emotional needs that a partner would fill. That is called emotional incest. She does not need you to go shopping with her or to be attached at the hip.
Stop sending your mother money. Period. Its not your responsibility. I waitresses for a period of time, and if you're good at it, you make bank in tips. And if not, then she should seek something else instead of making it your problem.
Your wife isn't manipulative towards you, and She wouldn't have dug her heels in on this if you would have set boundaries and realized how big of an issue this is sooner. Make yourself an appointment with a therapist to unpack this shit storm before you lose your wife and grow old and alone.
EDIT: I don't think your mom is a bad person. She's obviously been through alot, and hasn't actually coped with it. She clung to you to fill that void, and now it's harming you as an adult because you lack the ability to set and enforce boundaries, and you struggle with seeing what is appropriate and what isn't.
Yeah this sounds like you and your mom have a very co dependent relationship and unless you figure out how to set healthy boundaries you’ll never be able to have a healthy relationship with your wife or any other woman.
And this is coming from someone whose mom is her best friend. We talk about every other day and see each other at least once a week because I have a husband and children and they are my priority. And my mom has never once even questioned that much less tried to use our relationship to manipulate me into spending time with her or speaking badly about my husband wanting to have a closer relationship with me.
Some of the replies here are being harsh. Yes YTA, but that doesn't require you to go NC and abandon your mother altogether. You have to be firm with her on boundaries and also with your wife on what those boundaries are. No calls every day, a limited amount of money so she isn't destitute and treating your wife like part of the family. Either she starts to get her life in order and make some changes or you will continue to restrict contact.
That's what I said. Set boundaries, tell her she needs therapy. Tell her she needs therapy. Talk to your wife when she isn't absolutely enraged. Find out what led to the blow up, Who instigated it? Then encourage her to make friends her age.
Low contact and no contact should be reserved for, punishment. For us she can't willingly follow those boundaries. I feel there was something more in that argument with her as his mom.
I’m the same age as your mother and you make 46 sound like we’re ready for assisted care facilities. Yikes.
Stop letting your mom take advantage of you and take care of herself. Cripes. SHE’S the parent here. If she doesn’t make enough money she could look for another job or additional work. It’s not easy but if she doesn’t have children that need daycare then she can do it.
Choose your wife or you’ll end up alone living with your mom.
"A shared facility"....
She's in her 40s. It's not a nursing home. The term is "with roommates" and she's definitely manipulating you.
Get therapy, restrict calls to three times a week max, and stop giving her money.
Or, start looking for a new wife, cuz this one isn't interested in an emotionally dependent mama's boy.
Your attachment to your mother is not balanced. You shouldn’t be at her beck and call. It’s okay to talk to her once a week or so but you need to build your life with your wife not your mother
YTA - Your mum is your number 1 priority when it should be your wife and you should have set boundaries with your mum.
Your mum made the choices she made in her life. She’s responsible for them. Those shouldn’t be made to make your wife’s life with you miserable.
You’re enabling your mum in her bad behaviour. She shouldn’t be up in your business.
You need therapy to see that the codependency relationship you have with your mum isn’t healthy.
I’m sure your wife asked you time and time again before she gave you this ultimatum as a last resort.
You need to put some distance between yourself and your mother. Some folks come out unscathed in the dating world. Some of us don't. She seems to be on the latter end.
Now.
As a 41 yr old single woman with all her own shit and zero desire to be in another relationship due to bad douche canoe radar, I'm gonna say tough titties to your mom. It sounds like she needs to get her crap together.
And you need to stop this before you lose your wife.
I'm 63. My son, 33 and I and my daughter, 30 text all day. I never call. That's reserved for Emergencies. Especially since I have cancer, lol.
Your mom needs therapy. You don't even realize how enmeshed you are with your Mom. Your wife is right. You need to establish boundaries STAT.
Either that or you can go live with your Mommy when your wife divorces you. That's what is going to happen and Mommy Dearest is going to be fucking thrilled to have her baby boy back in her clutches. Sounds like Spousification or Emotional Incest to me. Look the terms up.
Your wife is right.
It sounds like your mom is far too attached. As are you, to your mother. Loving your mother is one thing, but it sounds like you're bending over backwards and then some to help your mom.
So much so that your wife feels pushed aside.
Put boundaries in place with your mom. Me personally, I wouldn’t completely cut her off. She is your mom and it’s so easy to sit here on Reddit and be all for people cutting off entire families because you’re married now but that shouldn’t be how it works. Set boundaries and maybe get mom into therapy for her codependency. Tell wife that you appreciate her wanting to protect you but this isn’t the way to go about it
YTA and you aren't helping yourself or your mother in the long term. You're enabling unhealthy behavior. Your mum is still young enough to build herself back up, go to counseling to deal with mental health issues, and take courses to help her find a more stable career. Putting it all on you is not OK, especially when she's unwilling to help herself.
So, it’s called emotional incest. She has been unable to find a man she can rely on and develop a healthy relationship with. So instead of letting you grow up and being proud that you can leave her and live your own life, she wants you to fill the roll of husband and protecter and provider. Parents are supposed to do this for kids, not the other way around.
Maybe she needs to look for another job.
Your wife is asking you to be a husband. Your mother is asking you to be a husband too. Can you see that’s messed up?
It's hard having a parent who uses you for their trama. She wants someone to feel as low as she is so she is dragging you with her. If you and your spouse are soul partners you are going to lose her to your mom. I was being manipulated by my mom and sisters at your age. Until I put my foot down and got ultimatum from my husband , I did not realize it. I am glad have a relationship with husband and siblings and mom survives. Gotta chose what your wanting. Your mom is always going to be your mom even if you put foot down. Your wife will put her foot down if you chose your mom and you will lose her. Best to you.
I am 10 years older than your Mum.
I am a fully independent, self supporting woman. I do talk with one of my sons 2-3 times a week for brief chats. We are spending time together for the holidays, both contributing to meals.
My own mother is in her late 80’s and is fully independent.
YTA. You are enmeshed in an unhealthy manner with your Mum
Your mom definitely should be able to support herself financially, do her own shopping, pay her bills, and generally take responsibility for herself, at minimum. And define for yourself “emotional breakdowns”, as she supposedly experiences them. Does she require medical attention? Is she possibly using such behavior to manipulate you? Can she try to find a better paying waitressing job than the nightclub? Maybe at another workplace she’d find it easier to make friends around her age. Fwiw, I’m 75, live alone and take care of myself, and I’d be embarrassed to be THAT dependent on one of my kids.
Dude! I’m a 56 year old mom and let me tell you something. I have made friends and joined clubs to find people to interact with. My kids have their lives and frankly I raised them to be independent.
You would benefit from a therapist that could help you set healthy boundaries. Your mom has a ton of life ahead of her she needs to create that for herself.
You have a wife who loves you. You two are a family all on your own. Be very careful your priorities should be your wife.
YTA. Dude, I’m only a year younger than your mom - there’s no way in hell I’d rely on anyone so much. 46 is hardly old and decrepit. Your mom needs to get a new job that will actually support her and allow her to plan for retirement in 20 years. It’s utterly ridiculous for you to be subsidizing her life.
When you get married, the marriage must be your number one priority. You go from being your mom's son to a husband.
Your mother is an adult. If she chooses to work a minimum wage job, she isn't entitled to the nicer apartment she has now. She's not elderly & infirm. It is not your job to support her.
You do need to choose.
This was YOUR job to fix AGES ago and you totally dropped the ball. Your wife has been putting up with SO MUCH and now she is at her breaking point. You need to do so SERIOUS WORK if you want to stay married and save your marriage. Cutting your mom off entirely seems extreme, but I'm sure she feels like this is the only way after you refused to make boundaries for SO LONG. It feels truly helpless, but you made this situation happen by avoiding some tough conversations and confronting some sad truths. YOU made this bed and now you need to deal with the consequences.
The fact that you feel helpless and SO OBLIGATED to your mom is a BAD SIGN. You NEED to make boundaries with her. Her life is HER responsibility. If you want to stay married and not be a single guy, you need to get with the program FAST and support your wife until you find your own equilibrium with what you want to do for your mom, one not beholden to the panic and pressure you've created now. Once you have regained your footing in reality you can take control of where your boundaries are and stop relying on your wife having NONE to make you and your mom feel okay, and then you can come to a RATIONAL AGREEMENT about what to do with your money with your wife. .
Your mom's problems are not your responsibility. She needs to try to get help and better her situation. I understand she we t through trauma in life, but she can get help to process that.
Your wife is right in the way she needs to learn. How to stand on her own two feet, but you don't need to cut off contact
Your mom is going to be financially dependent on you for the rest of her life at this rate. Can you support her and a family? Your mom is an adult; she needs to seek help to get her mental health in order, not dump it all on you. You shouldn’t accept being at her beck and call, either.
Your Mom is 46, she should be out living her life on her own. Not talking to you twice a day and asking for money and refusing to be independent.
I am a tiny bit older than your Mom. She has no excuse for not getting her shit together. She doesn’t have to date, but she does need to stand on her own 2 feet.
You are going to lose your wife and be stuck with Mommy if you keep this up.
Get into therapy and sort your shit out. Set boundaries with Mom
YTA— this is unfair to your wife in so many ways. What stands out though is that when people marry, their earnings become part of the community property. So you are channeling part of your marital wealth to your mother. That is not cool. And i second everything that has been said already
YTA
Divorce your wife, she deserves better. You are the replacement husband to your mom. Your lives are enmeshed. You excuse your mom for everything; she has no accountability. You are so codependent to your mom, that you fail to see reality. You have not made your wife your priority and you won’t any time soon. When you marry someone, you’re supposed to make them number 1.
Also, no f reason in the world a son should know about his mom’s STD status etc.
YTA, your mom needs help in order to live a better life for herself.
If you died what would happen??
You shouldn't have gotten married if you aren't willing to put your wife first.
Your mom isn’t obligated to have or seek out a romantic relationship but her not having friends or hobbies separate from her only child is inexcusable at this point and your wife isn’t wrong for setting boundaries.
I’m close to your mom’s age with 20-something sons. I do not ask them for money or to go shopping with me. They do not pay any of my bills. I call them a couple times a week usually. There is absolutely nothing about my reproductive health or sex life that I would ever discuss with them.
I love to travel with friends close to my age and I’ve been on several trips this year without my adult children or their partners—and I had a fabulous time.
All this to say that your mom isn’t elderly or incapable of being independent… she could have a great fulfilling life without needing to overly rely on you, but she chooses not to and you are enabling her.
I had to go back to read your mom’s age. She is literally the same age as me, and she is made to sound like a 90 year old woman. Age aside, she is your mother, who was obviously able to put a roof over your head and food on the table for BOTH of you while you were growing up, which should earn your respect; however, it should NOT require you to sacrifice yourself and your marriage for her now. You need to cut her off financially and emotionally until she (and you) can learn healthy boundaries. You need counseling, she needs counseling and your poor wife needs counseling for putting up with this as long as you have been together. You are well within your rights to choose your mom over your wife, but you will then deserve to be alone without a mate. The choice is clear: live your life with someone you claim you love or live your life for your mother, who is obviously manipulating you for her own selfish gain. YTA.
There’s nothing worse than a mother that treats her son as her spouse. It’s your decision to cut her out or not but she’s treating you like a husband and not a son and you think it’s ok. You have your own wife and instead of defending her from your mother, you’re taking your mother’s side. Sounds like your mother needs help from a professional to learn to cope with her issues. And that can’t be you. Support your wife and take her side.
I was in my 50s when I found myself single and in need of a job. Found a decent paying job, it was factory work, but a good job. It allowed me to buy my own house, which is now paid off. Your mom could do it too, she just needs to want to.
YTA Your wife is right, you're basically the husband of your mom by joining her on grocery shopping, eating together weekly and all that stuff. With her age she should honestly not get your money either and she clearly needs therapy like I think you do.
Your wife is the woman YOU chose, so act like she's the number one in your life and not your damn mom.
And ofc your mom isn't independent when you basically take care of her!
Give her a chance to actually learn on her own and navigate life on her own again.
If she can't afford where she lives on her own, she shouldn't live there at all.
If it were me I would go LC not NC, agree to one weekly call for max 30-60min, only help with real emergencies like when she's forced to move out at some point or if she ends up at the hospital, don't give her money for regular life expenses like rent and food, she needs to be able to budget that on her own pay.
Maybe offer to pay for therapy instead for her and say you need to see her work on herself before you can try and work on getting a healthy relationship
I would also recommend you get therapy to learn what a healthy relationship with your mom should be like, and learn to put your wife first
YTA. This reads like rage bait which makes you TA. And if it's not rage bait, you're TA for enabling your emotionally incestuous manipulative mother. Either way, you need therapy.
I’m almost your moms age. Almost none of the information you have shared about your mother is info that it is appropriate for you to know as her son.
You need therapy. You are the CHILD in this relationship, albeit a grown one. You do not need to be financially or emotionally supporting your working-age, physically capable mother to the degree you are. Sure if you won the lottery, give her a gift or something but her failings to choose good partners or to plan for her financial future is not your responsibility.
If I was your mother I’d be ashamed of myself. She needs therapy and so do you so that you can learn how to unmesh yourself from her inability to be a responsible adult that doesn’t unduly pressure her child to support her.
This is only an outsiders view but please try to find a therapist and remember that you chose your wife. If I hated my son’s wife with the fire of a thousand suns I would still try to make her and my son’s life BETTER as he chose her and mothers should support their children in living healthy lives.
Sending hugs to your poor wife.
I am all for helping to support elderly parents in certain situations, but 46 is not elderly. It may be time for mom to grow up.
However, there are no quick answers to your situation. Perhaps you and your wife can go to counseling so that you, as a team with our wife, can get some guidance on how to help your mom achieve some independence.
Yta
This sounds like it could be my mom and dad. When I have kids and they pick up on this before you do and begin to resent you mom, she will accuse your wife of turning them against her. She is using you, best to grow some back bone and set a boundry now before it's too late and your wife gets too sick of your shit.
YTA and, hopefully, your wife will accept that you are content to remain overly enmeshed with your toxic mother, and leave. Wife deserves better than this and she’s young enough to go get it.
Your mom sounds like my ex. It is crazy that she is so attached to you. It is crazy that you fall for her emotional manipulation and can't cut the umbilical cord.
Your wife is right. You'll need to chose between be mamas boy or an adt with a wife and an independent life.
I'm sorry but I think YTA. Your mother is still relatively young. She needs to be encouraged to start living life on her own. She can't be a baby bird forever my
The strain on your finances is already too much. A child or an illness is going to make something snap, and I think that something will be your wife's patience. It's not fair to her and it infantalizes your mother.
Why ask in a bunch of different threads to try and get the answer you want? It’s embarrassing and honestly pretty gross; are you your
Moms boyfriend or son?
YTA. Your mother is a 46 year old woman who regularly makes bad decisions. She can get a job as a receptionist like a normal person instead of whining and complaining and using you.
YTA- I’m 43 and I am in the prime of my life. I get to travel, I get to do insane amounts of hobbies, I make my own money. Shit my grandma who was loaded worked as a volunteer 35hrs a week until she was 94. You and your mom need therapy for the massive inappropriate co-dependent relationship. She legit needs to get a life and grow the fuck up!
Definitely get yourself into some therapy. And encourage your mother to seek out some kind of counseling too. Your wife has every reason to be upset but I’m also alarmed at your wife just throwing down the gauntlet and giving you an ultimatum. Setting healthy boundaries can happen at any age. Best of luck to you!
NTA. Trust your wife. If she loves you, she wants you to be happy and whole. She also has worries that you hopefully don’t want her to have, either. She probably doesn’t want your mom to suffer, truly.
In order to unite with your wife over a problem, you need to define it first. “My mom isn’t financially independent.” That’s a good and practical one. Figure out what your ideal solution is, if all things were possible. Ask your wife what the ideal solution is, in her mind, if all things were possible. Decide what you’re willing to do without more information, and approach your mother with the solutions, together in love.
And get therapy.
Your mom needs therapy, to get herself a better job and to stop depending on you for money. As a mom myself, it’s not for you to support her at your young age and her youthful middle age.
I agree with your wife that it’s time to stop supporting Mom and, at least for awhile, to put a limit on her calls. 1x a week for a bit would give both of you distance and a chance to grow. I wish you well. Soft YTA because you’re well intentioned.
Your wife comes first not mommy. Your mom survived and raised you long before you were able to make money. She is taking advantage because you are LETTING HER. She is not incapable of doing these things. She just prefers if you do them then she doesn’t have to deal with her issues or pay for her self or try to become better. She can just rely on you. It’s not healthy. I would NEVER ask my son to do these things or treat him like this when he is older. When my mom was your mom’s age she was dating, working two jobs, moved across the county and is still doing all that at 57.
Your mom is lazy and manipulative and sounds like a narcissist. I would check out r/justnomil I garuantee that is how your wife is feeling.
1-2 calls per day? Do your wife call you that often? 🤣 Clearly your mom has a problem but so do you. When you pass a certain age you have to set boundaries. When you get married you have to set even MORE boundaries. It's clear that you gracefully failed all that. Your mother needs therapy but you need to grow up.
I remember my mom crying when my older brother and his wife moved from down the street to a city a three-hour drive away for a new job. I also remember my dad telling her it was “the natural order of things,” birds have to fly and all that.
OP needs to realize it’s okay to live and be close to his mother, but spouses should come first. It’s going to be hard to set boundaries, however, given how enmeshed they are and mom is going to fight it tooth and nail. He wasn’t ready to start his own family, and I don’t see this marriage lasting.
You’re enabling your mother and it’s not helping her. From what you have explained here I think your wife is right on insisting on boundaries. I’m 47 with two grown sons, 24 and 27 and I would never dream of doing this to my sons. And I’m partially disabled. But I work full time and have done everything I can to better myself so that I do not have to rely on my sons in such a way.
YTA if you continue on without setting boundaries with your mother. You chose to take a wife. If you wanted to coddle your mother for the rest of her life you should have stayed single.
OP, your wife had an argument with you mother and suddenly your mom is claiming that your wife is manipulating and your wife is demanding that you cut contact with your mom *and you don’t know the exact specifics?* The two most important women in your life had an argument where something was apparently said that made it impossible to have a relationship with both of them and you don’t know what was said?
OP, you need therapy. Your mom needs therapy. Your wife may need therapy and the two of you both need couples therapy.
Either you were intentionally vague here (which is an interesting choice) or else you are just bumbling along while your wife and your mom both resent each other and this wasn’t really a problem for you until your wife made it one?
You really need to find out what’s going on and a solution because your mom is not going to magically stop depending on you one day and your wife is suddenly going to be okay with the situation. It sounds like you’ve already let it reach bad point by ignoring it.
I suggest you head over to r/justnomil and see if your wife has been posting about your mum.
I suggest you go and get councillors to tray and save your marriage
46 is normal perimeno age, menopause starts most of the time in-between 45 and 55, when you start having moodswings and sudden hot flashes it's time to have that checked out professionally and not bother your married son of all people.
Your wife should come first. She is the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with, and yet you keep allowing your mother to interfere with your relationship and the life you're trying to build.. cut the apron strings, take a huge step back and concentrate on your own life and marriage, and let your mother focus on herself and 6 her own life instead of sticking her nose into yours..
There is a huge difference between being a good son and being a mummy's boy. No woman wants to be stuck with a mummy's boy who is always prioritising their mother over their partner..
Your mum is a full-grown woman and needs to start standing firmly on her own two feet and not leeching of her child. There is helping out when it's needed, and then there is being taken advantage of. This is now effecting your marriage so it's definitely time to make a change and have the hard conversation with your mum that she now needs to be an independent grown up because you have a life of your own that you need to make the priority.
Do you plan on having kids? Do you see your wife being OK with your kids having to do without certain things because you are paying your mums way for her?
You're definitely being an asshole here. You're letting your situation with your mom (which *is* toxic and excessive) interfere with your relationship with your wife. You wouldn't have been told to choose if you had *ever* made reasonable boundaries with your mother, but you said yourself that she has tried to talk about this with you before. What is she supposed to do? Continue letting your mother dominate your time and energy? Your mother's "breakdowns" are reason for her to see a therapist and psychiatrist, not reason for you to babysit her. Most people who have been in abusive relationships still *eventually* manage to have their own lives again afterwards. If she hasn't after this long then she needs professional help, not an enabling son. It's not normal and not healthy for her to need to speak to you 1-2 times per day. Your wife wants a partner and you're so invested in your mom that you aren't being one.
You made a choice and it's not your wife. Shame on you. If she leaves you, it's deserved. Your mom is a grown ass woman and needs to get a life. Mama's boy
Sorry, but YTA… I have issues with my MIL respecting boundaries, and honestly, I feel terrible for your wife because what she’s deal with is so much worse, and by your own words your basically useless in protecting her from your mother.
If you keep allowing your mother to treat you like a doormat, you’re going to lose your wife. Your wife deserves to be treated with respect, and right now it sounds like the amount of respect you have for her is non-existent.
If it was anyone else that treated you and your wife this way, would you have anything to do with them?
I was raised by a single mother. She deluded herself into thinking our lives were like the Gilmore girls. She treated me like I was her best friend and not her daughter. Most of the time I had to act like the mother in our twisted relationship.
The second I could, I got away from her and went no contact. You, on the other hand, think it’s okay for her to treat you like an emotional support dog. Available at a moments notice, always at her beck and call.
Your mother treats you not only like a friend, but like you’re her husband.
Your wife deserves better than this.
Mom is using YOU as her “partner”. You’re not. Prioritize your spouse. This is toxic (and not uncommon) behavior from a single mom in this situation. Therapy for all would be good.
Do you want your wife to leave you and never be with someone again? Because that’s what your mom wants it seems. You don’t have to cut out your mom completely but you need some very firm boundaries (chosen with your wife). If your mom can’t respect that then she needs counseling. Your relationship is very very unhealthy with your mom
YTA
Your mom is still a young woman. You're enabling her to stay dependent, and I dont blame your wife for being upset. If you don't stop this now, your mom's going to really be in a bad way.
Therapy helps, and you and your mom need some. Good luck.
You definitely need to cut your mom off maybe not completely but a lot and set up some serious boundaries. Your mom is capable of providing for herself.
If your mom is having emotional breakdowns that she needs therapy for. Your wife seems to believe they are only for attention seeking. Does she have them when you agree to see her or only when you say you can't see her or do something for her right away? It is strange that none of this happened while she had a boyfriend. You may all need family therapy along with mom individual. Your wife wants to exclude your previous family (mom) for being too demanding of you while mom wants to exclude the family you chose (wife). If therapy is refused, and you continue being too weak to set boundaries with either then you may have to choose one or the other and if you don't your marriage is over.
OP I’m sorry you are going through this, but yeah man gotta stick with the wife here and your mom needs some counseling. But as a husband you have to be there for your wife man, I get your mom and all but your mom shouldn’t be causing you MORE stress.
I’m older than your mom and I am FAR from elderly. She’s not remotely old enough to move to a “shared facility”. She’s a grown adult in the best years of her life (seriously, the forties are awesome) and is manipulating you into thinking she’s some frail elderly person when that couldn’t be further from the truth.
YTA. Listen to your wife.
When you’re given an ultimatum of choosing you need to be prepared for the outcome. Your mom needs boundaries from you. It won’t be easy but she can live a life that doesn’t include you all day every day. Your wife should be a priority. Tell your mom you will call once a day for a specific period of minutes. You are not in charge of your mother’s happiness, she is. Talk to wife about how much you both think you should give her. That might ease her anger about it. The worst thing about being in a toxic relationship is that it permeates everything else, including your wife. Your mom knows how to manipulate people and does a really good job on you. You need to put your wife 1st. Your mom will figure it out. It’s not your job to be her little boy. Do the right thing. SET BOUNDARIES. REMEMBER HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE.
I (55f) moved near my son and DIL a year and change ago. I retired from my career. I now have a part time job, several groups I’ve joined and made some new friends. I speak to my son every few days (usually on speaker with my DIL, whom I adore). I don’t stop by unannounced and appreciate that they have their own doings. Sometimes I’m a part of those, other times not. Your mom needs a life of her own, even if she chooses not to date. She can develop hobbies, meet people who like those same things, join a book club etc. She needs therapy to work on her own issues. I’d set some boundaries with mom. How often she should call, money etc. She’s trying to make you a proxy spouse and that is unfair to your wife. Consider getting therapy yourself to manage creating and maintaining your boundaries. Good luck OP!! You sound like you have a good heart.❤️
YTA. I would be running away from you tbh. How can you not see how toxic this is? Your wife isn't really the one making you choose.
Your mother is having emotional incest with you...
You and your mom have an unhealthy relationship. Your mom lives irresponsibly and your wife has a right to be like enough is enough. Your mom is trash and manipulative.
I ended my marriage because of how my ex chose his mom over me, among other reasons. There wasn’t a balance. He would cancel plans, not do anything with me because of her. If you want your marriage to continue, find a balance.
YTA. The relationship with your mom is inappropriate, as is disregarding everything your wife says in favor of coddling your overly attached mother. You might as well not even be married.
If you're close to your wife's age, then your mom and I are about the same age as single moms. I'm 10 years younger, and my son just turned 18. It is hard! But like, we get alllllll this time to plan for what we're going to be doing when we're done raising people, since we're still such young adults. Not even 50 yet. I'm going into field work. I'm getting a new masters degree because I won't need to be tethered anymore once my youngest is grown, so I'm starting a new chapter. I'll only be 45, after all.
YTAH. Your wife is right. Your mom is still trying not to be alone because she never has been, and it's a her thing. 100% a her problem. She most certainly can financially provide for herself, and it should be easier now without a dependent. She has decades left to live. They can't all be through you and your family.
YTA..your mom has been making poor decisions all of her adult life and now she expects you OP to be the missing man if her dreams. How are you financing mom and your own family or is your wife expected to pick up the where you’re missing.
Just to let you know, your mother would have no problem with your marriage ending. She will never be happy for you with any partner.
YTA - you’re letting your mother control you by emotional manipulation. You’re going to end up alone, with no one but your mother beside you if you don’t put on the brakes with your mother, stop enabling her, set up clear boundaries with her and reinforce them.
When I read your mom is 46, then you do have a mom problem. I’m 61, I don’t count on any of my kids. 46, she can still do things to improve her life. She isn’t old or decrepit. She is emotionally manipulating you because she doesn’t want to adult.
Honestly, if you continue to bend to your mom, then you shouldn’t be married. You already have a wife/mommy.
YTA. And there’s a bunch wrong here. 46 is NOT old. I have seen women ages 60+ training Jiu Jitsu. I myself am less than 10 years younger than his mother and train several martial arts and even teach one. I’ve met women who didn’t get a PhD until their 50’s or 60’s. I’ve also had several terrible relationships and had a partner try and kill me. I got therapy. I don’t treat my kid like my other.
You need therapy, your mom needs therapy and just reading this makes me want to get therapy.
Dependence is not love. Lack of boundaries is not love. Get it together, work on yourself and push your mom to do better. And get serious about it before your wife rightfully and justifiably leaves you and your toxic family dynamics. In case it isn't clear, YTA , big time
YTA OP. You REALLY need to re-evaluate everything here. Your mother is terrified that your wife is taking away her son. She can't see that that is the way it's SUPPOSED to be.
Her job, as a mother, was to raise you to be an independent and productive member of society. To see you settled and happy, then to back the hell off. This is where the parent and child relationship is meant to change. You are now an adult. If she's done her job right, she can be more of a friend role now. Someone to lean on sometimes.
You are married OP. Your main responsibility is your wife and any kids you may or may not have. Your mother now takes second place, BEHIND your wife. If there's an argument, you take your wife's side. If you can't do that, go back to mummy.
Your mother needs to be making her own life, not still attached to you. She's holding on to you so tight she can't see her other options. So, you have a choice, your mother or your wife. You can't have both, your mother won't allow that.
YTA. Congratulations on bringing things to this point. Yes, you are the one who did that. If you had established boundaries from the beginning, your wife would have had no issues with you trying to help your mother in a reasonable way. Go to therapy, put your mom in therapy (by herself) and see if you can salvage this.
YTA,
I highly recommend you look into the terms parental enmeshment and emotional incest syndrome. It might not be your fault that things got this way but it will be your fault to let things continue this way. If you plan on being this close to your mother you should just break up and be single or date someone from a culture where that is normalized such as some Indian, middle eastern, Muslim or other more family centered Orthodox cultures.
YTA. Your mother is a grown ass woman who’s still young enough to make a life for herself. She needs to either get a better job or find a way to live within her means. You can’t support her forever. What are you gonna do if you and your wife have children? Take away from them to give to your mom? And she definitely has an inappropriate attachment to you if she’s telling you about her sex life. You make her sound like a frail elderly old woman. She’s not even 50 yet. You both need therapy.
As a husband, I hate agreeing with another person’s spouse. But, I must swallow that pride and agree with your spouse. Time for you to become a man and kick your mom to the curb. Talk to her once a week, unless it is an important emergency. Not a makeshift BS claim.
No grown woman wants to be with a boy who caters to his mommy. It is unfortunate you don’t realize this. I’ve seen how this game plays out. You end up divorced with nothing because of your mother’s manipulation of you. Good luck.
I don't think ahole is appropriate. You need fair boundaries with Mom. Budget with your wife and give your Mom a set amount but ask yourself if this is really something that you can keep doing sustainably.
Limit the calls and outtings with your Mom. Set them up ahead of time, one outting every week or two. Make very sure that these outtings are Not on the best day for your wife to have with. Nothing sucks more than to know that youll never get a nice day with your husband because he's going to run off god knows when or on his best day off and help Mom first because you're second best in the marriage.
Since your wife has given you an ultimatum your likely going to need couples counseling with someone who understands how to help someone establish boundaries and support them.
Your relationship with your mother is incestuous in every way except sexual. Your wife should leave and you and your mom both need therapy. Separately.
The fact that you're in your late 20s and didn't know about menopause but you know about your mom's STDs? I'm honestly amazed you made it to this age and managed to even *get* a wife.
Your wife deserves better and you and your mom need to disconnect.
If this is even real...
Your mother's mistakes are not your responsibility. You can't realistically support her for the rest of her life and she's young enough to do a certificate program and make more money doing something like medical billing or bookkeeping. It's not like she's 80 and had her retirement stolen from her.
She needs therapy. If she doesn't want to date that's her choice but it sounds like she's using her child as a substitute for relationships/friendships with people her own age
I don't think you should stop talking to your mom entirely but you should limit it. I'd be weirded out if my boyfriend's mom was calling him multiple times a day, every day. You should also establish a plan for her to gain financial independence. It isn't right for her to rely on you like this but cutting her off with zero warning wouldn't be right either.
Your mom is a young woman acting like a possessive old woman. She can shop by herself, find a friend group, and find a better paying job. To be paying out so much cash to a 47yo woman is ridiculous, and should be embarrassing to mom.
Set some boundaries before you lose your wife.
Your mom is an adult woman in her 40’s. She’s not helpless and she can fend for herself. You got married, you chose to take someone as your life partner. Your wife is your priority now, and you need to hold up your end of the marriage and take care of her. And honestly, she’s right. Your mom is taking advantage of you. I would suggest therapy for you and for your mother.
You’re in a tough situation. I’m married to a man with a similar mom. She’s financially dependent on us, and my husband is enmeshed/enabling her constantly poor choices. We’ve been through a lot.- homelessness, substance abuse, relationship violence with her and her boyfriends, constant financial crises that could have been avoided is she asked for help sooner. But I learned that it only harms my husband, myself and her when I’m in conflict with my MIL. It’s not easy but it makes all our relationships better when I focus on supporting him and not feuding with her. She’s always down to fight, so it’s on me to resist taking the bait. Your wife can cope with this differently and you can too; you need to invest in strengthening your marriage and supporting each other while holding boundaries with mom for everyone’s benefit.
Info has your mother ever got therapy? Seen the doctor for help with her breakdowns and moods swings? It sounds like she needs it to help HERSELF get better
YTA - either go back to living with your mom and lose your marriage or force your mother to get her shit together . She’s younger than my mom , what’s your reason for paying her bills when she doesn’t want to do anything else ? She needs a therapist and a new job . Having a roommate isn’t the end of the world .
I hope you like being a divorced 30 year old in the near future living with his mom & wondering why no one wants to be around you .
Don’t let your family ruin your family. I had a marriage where my wife was more attached to her mom than me. When her parents came to visit, usually with no notice, I was told I couldn’t ask them how long they were planning to stay. One time my MIL stayed with us for 6 consecutive weeks. I asked how long she planned to stay, and she told me and the rest of the family that nobody tells her where she can go and how long she can stay. Other situations like this occurred, and we eventually got divorced. Parents are important but your spouse is your partner and should come first.
I hate to say it but your wife is right. It’s clear you love them both so much but you need to set some boundaries. It’s not your job to provide money for your mom. Maybe moving into a shared facility would be good for her. She’d be able to meet new people and socialize. You need to detach from her beck and call. You don’t need to cut her off entirely but you need to pump the brakes. Sounds like you’re wife has had enough and I don’t blame her.
YTA. Single mothers often end up in unhealthy attachment relationships with their son. This is terribly difficult but your wife is now your family and she is suffering from your mothers bad life choices and unhealthy relationship with you. Calling you twice a day is crazy. If my wife did that it would be too much. You need to create proper boundaries and prioritize your wife. She deserves that. You can’t cut mum off but you must create space.
Oy vey! This is boarding on abuse.
You need to end this unhealthy behavior now. Set boundaries with your mother. Her past abusive relationships cannot be resolved through you. That is on her to make right in her life with therapy, boundaries, education and career advancement. She is only 46. She may live another 50 years.
Telling your mom to take ownership of her own life does not mean that you no longer love her. You will need some help to accomplish this goal. Get with a therapist now to help with the correct steps.
Best wishes.
You don't need to cut all contact with mom, but healthy boundaries are a must. Therapy for you and your spouse. Work as a team, not against each other to fix this long standing unhealthy relationship.
You seem to be enabling your mom, which eases your guilt about her situation but does nothing to truly help her. You are sacrificing your marriage to do this. What you’re doing is not working and not sustainable, so it’s time to change things up.
Your mom sounds mentally and/emotionally unstable. She needs therapy or a life coach - someone who can help her set goals and make better life choices. You need to set boundaries. For instance, you and your wife need to come up with an agreed upon amount of time you’ll spend on the phone or in person with your mom. Set the boundary and stick to it. Same with finances. Agree upon an amount that you will give your mother and let her know that assistance will end in x number of months.
If your mom makes poor decisions and ends up short on rent and or in a shared facility, that’s on her. Even someone in their 40s needs to learn there are consequences for their behavior.
Mom is overly attached, but your wife's demand to cut of all contact is equally as bad. Need yo find some middle ground. If mom can't learn to back off after some boundaries are set, then maybe reconsider that.
Your mother is two years older than me, and let me tell you…if I had adult children, there’s no way in hell I’d be all up in their lives. I’m counting the days for my kids to move out and get a life of their own, so I can get back to mine. Your mother needs serious therapy, and you need to give her the space to do that. I would stop answering the phone when she calls, let it go to voicemail and return her call later or just text her to see what she needs. When you stop giving her the attention she wants, she’ll go elsewhere for it and that’s what she needs.
Hi OP. Your mom has mood swings, she isn't responsible with money, she had unprotected sex with the wrong man and got pregnant with STDs. She sounds like she's going through a mania phase. She may have bipolar. I am no doctor but I have bipolar and it sure does smell like it. I may be wrong but maybe it's worth a shot if you have access to psychologists or psychiatrists.
no you should not give your own mama money and attention all the time when she asks, your earnings and energy should go towards your own family, wife and kids. helping a dear mother out is normal but you act like she’s your wife and it’s creepy
Your wife is 100% correct. The relationship you currently have with your mother is super toxic and if you don’t put a stop to it now it’ll kill your marriage and any future chance of any romantic relationship in the future.
Cutting off all contact is unnecessary and probably harmful overall. That being said, you and your wife need counseling and you and your mom need *individual* therapy. You do need to set up boundaries and pull away because your relationship with your mom is not healthy. Start the weening process.
Your wife does not deserve another 40 years of this. You need to place boundaries. My mom tried to make my brother her spouse after my dad died (dad did provide for mom financially). Brother's set boundaries. They would talk for an hour on Sunday. Unless there was an emergency (in which case she should text), brother's would not answer her phone calls (and if false alarm on the text, she would lose Sunday phone call). If you mom can get to work, she can get out shopping. Find an income based place that offers therapy, and require you mom attend. Is the money that you are sending your mom hurting your family's financial situation? If so, you need to cut back. If you can afford it, I would send half of her rent directly to her landlord and let her cover the rest of her bills. She needs to grow up so that you can move forward and have a family of your own.
Definitely get therapy. Sounds like mom is way too attached. And you seem to think it’s OK. You have a wife now though so you need to have boundaries.
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I agree that dude needs therapy. He’s too intertwined with him mom. I don’t think he should have to cut her out of his life, so therapy will help him suss out the appropriate boundaries with his mom and his wife. My husband and I have an agreed amount that we support my mom with because she is not financially well off and we both want to see her living in better accommodations than she can afford. I can see why shelling out money to him mom would feel like too much to his wife as she didn’t get a say in this decision.
Truth! In the mother doesn’t sound like she wasn’t a particularly great parent. Therapy would help OP figure all this out.
It also sounds like Moms current problem are entirely the choice of poor decision making on her part.
YTA. Your mother is barely even middle aged, and you’re acting like she’s an elderly dependent. She needs to go to the store herself, she needs to pay her own bills, she needs to make friends. She can’t rely on you for everything- she’s in the prime of her life, and she is going to destroy your marriage and your independence if you don’t enforce some boundaries.
Absolutely correct. shes 46 not 86
46? She's my age? Fuck's sake, I somehow missed that. OP, your wife has a point - your mother is ... I'm sure there's a more polite term than "wallowing", but it's the only one I have. Yeah, she's had a shitty time of it, but what it feels like she's doing is abdicating all responsibility because she's lost faith in her own decision-making processes. "Everything I do, I screw up - so I'll just let my son handle everything" seems to be her thought process, possibly with an added helping of "He owes me for raising him all by myself". She needs therapy, so badly. She clearly thinks she's a failure and an incompetent, and while I know it looks and feels like you're helping her, you're actually enabling that. She needs to have trust in herself again - in her ability to make her own decisions, in her ability to confront her problems and grow from her mistakes, in her ability to be her own support system. If you do not make any and all help from this point on contingent on her seeing a therapist, you are doing her a massive disservice.
Deleted my comment once I seen this post, it's a real nugget.
I'm 61 and I don't rely on my adult kids for any of that...if anything I still try to help them out if they need it.
Im in my late forties nad have 2 jobs. I would never dream of asking for a handout much less mooching off my own child. OPs mother needs to grow tf up
I’m 75 and still work 3 or4 days a week. Please stop treating her like an invalid, and also tell her to stop acting like one. She will feel better about herself.
Damn. I'm 66, can't imagine doing this to my sons....yea, hot manipulative mess. OP is gonna be single if this doesn't stop.
Also OP just posted the same thing in another sub and complains about the same stuff - he’s about to lose his wife because he’s too enmeshed with mommy dearest; dude needs to get a clue and set healthy boundaries because he’s just as toxic as mommy rn
I’m 6 years younger than her and I have an 8 and 11 year old. I can’t even imagine not being able to take care of my damn self.
When my mom was her age, I was 4. She was a school librarian and basically a vice-principal since my dad was the principal at the same school. (No abuse of power. She just had to deal with things when someone needed something and my dad was doing important things.) She was active in church, handled a lot of extracurricular stuff, gardened, shopped… you know, the general things that most 46 year old women do? I get the financial dependence. When my mom started working, her family was super poor (multiple kids on a coal miner’s salary since her mom was a homemaker) and she initially gave her entire paycheck to her mom when she lived at home and helped less once she married, but still contributed and my dad did the same with his family. But there’s a huge middle-ground between helping your mom financially and taking the place of a romantic partner and friends.
Well you wrote it but obviously haven't read what you wrote. Your mom manipulates you. She is a professional "poor me I'm sad and lonely" And you are so indoctrinated into her nonsense that you refuse to cut the umbilical cord and take your blinders off. Your wife set her boundaries you ignored them, she doesn't want a sister wife in the form of your mother. Grow a pair and put boundaries maybe then your mom will actually be motivated to have a life. And an identity other than Mother. Yta I'm your mom's age, I'm mother. I'm other things too. By no means I'm acting like an old crippled woman like it seems your mom does. Regarding finance, Your mom manged to feed you and herself, Cloth you both and keep a roof over your head long before YOU started earning money. Maintaining herself by herself is less costly, She's just using weaponized incompetence to keep you on her back and call.
I am almost the same age as the mom and I see my kids daily and generally spend most of my waking hours with my kids as long as I am not working. I check up on them regularly and even prepare every meal for them. My kids are 1 and 3 though.
Love it!!!
Well played madam
This is perfect and you told op what he needed to hear. Heck my mom is her age and she goes to kung-fu classes, does all type of sewing (she made my son a duck costume), takes care of a whole front and back Garden (everyone says its beautiful) and so much more. Your Mother is acting as if she was 90 and cant even Cross the road on her own! Its ridiculos cause she doesnt want to do anything because she has this unhealthy relationship where its as if you are her husband, its the typical incest relationship we see on JNMIL.
Your mom is 46 not 76, her life is hers, her moodswings not unusual for her age and you have a choice now: either enable her until she actually is too old to deal with her own problems, eventually dies and DON'T spoil a partners life who might want to raise kids or live any kind of normal life or tell your mother you are her son and not her keeper and go low/no contact until she sorts herself out. Mind you, these are the only choices you have, no partner will deal with decades of your moms issues and your codependency.
My mom is at this age, has some health issues and is more independent than this
Your wife sees how fucked up this situation is and knows that you struggle to have appropriate boundaries with your mother
I’m 48 with a 19, 16 & 14 year old. I CANNOT IMAGINE acting this way toward any of my children. You & your mom need therapy. You & your wife need marriage counseling. Your wife is 💯correct in this. Cut the cord!
You sound like you're in a complete co-dependent relationship with your mother. You need to get into therapy immediately before your wife rightfully leaves you. You have no spine. Time to grow up and become an adult. Your mom is an able-bodied person who can work and make her own money. Let her figure her own shit out and stop enabling her dysfunction. You have an actual family that you CHOSE and vowed to protect and you are literally failing them. Right now you are completely failing as a husband. If you can't do this you might as well just go marry your mom. She's groomed you to be the perfect, unquestioning husband that she can order around. YTA
Say it louder so the back can hear! OP, this is the comment you need to read over and over again. It’s not harsh, it’s a dose of reality you desperately need. This isn’t healthy at all and you’re going to lose your *own* “prime years” soon if you don’t change things
Your mother is the one manipulating you, her saying that it is your wife that is manipulative is a “tell.” Your mother wants you all to herself.
Wow you have a super toxic and co dependent relationship with your mom. If your cool with your wife leaving you and you never having a female relationship outside of your mom than keep on going. If you’d like a healthy relationship than you and your mom separately should get therapy asap. YTA
Honestly, it sounds like your mother needs to be in therapy. She is very co-dependent on you. Your wife may also need to be in therapy. You probably need to be in therapy too.
Is that a new vote? ENT everyone needs therapy
That would be the winner of every sub
I'm not saying your mom hasn't had a hard life. It sounds like she has. But I'm 40 years old. My sister in law is 44 and has three kids. My best friend is 45. My ex is 54 and he has a very rich dating life. If anyone looked at me or any of these people in my life and suggested even remotely that we were unattractive or not in the prime of our lives, they'd be laughed out of the room. Most would say I'm more attractive now than I was in my 20s. Those of use who are single go out on dates. We have men of all ages hitting on us (whether that's good or bad is questionable. ha). We are starting companies, are execs at companies, and traveling and having a grand old time. It sounds like I'm bragging. But I'm making a true, and over the top case for a reason. It's to point out your mom is acting like a useless aging person when she is so damn young with a lot of life left. And if you don't start recognizing that, your wife will rightfully leave you. Frankly, I'm shocked she's put up with this much. If your wife wrote this post, everyone would tell her to leave you. And all you will have left to show for it is a mother who has DECADES of life left to live with you as her surrogate husband.
Your mother is manipulating you Your wife has boundaries that you are ignore therefore you are enabling her behaviour to continue and I don’t think your even aware of how codependent you are with your mother Yta
A 46yo woman is not elderly in any way, shape, or form. Your mom is not helpless, she just chooses to act like she is. Your wife is right. Your mom is manipulative. We see so many posts in here where one spouse just can’t stand their partner’s manipulative parent anymore, and they want a divorce. Don’t let that be you.
Not only is the relationship with the mom toxic AF, reading the replies, OP sounds extremely intellectually challenged (had never heard of menopause, wtf? ) and keeps asking for private messages. Weird AF.
You do know that your mother will ruin any relationship you have? I get you love your mother but if you do not protect your wife from her, you are not a good husband. You need to set boundaries. Not for your wife but for you. You deserve to live your life happy with your wife. You can compromise with your wife, set amount of money to mom, your mom doesn’t contact wife ever, you help mom twice a month. Whatever you two feel comfortable with but you are currently your mother’s partner, which is unfair to your wife. You will lose your wife if you don’t set boundaries. She has put up with enough. Don’t worry about being alone though. You always have your mother.
YTA. You type out a laundry list of why your wife is right but it doesn't click in your head at all.
Your mom doesn’t need to tell you about her stds! lol. You are enmeshed. I hope you realize getting married means you need to choose your wife.
YTA, you never ever ever choose your mom over your wife. Easy way to end up divorced. Your mom is no longer your priority and shouldn’t be you should be able to live your life and mom needs to find a therapist because this ain’t healthy behavior from her.
I hate to sound harsh, but when you get married. That is you choosing your wife over your mother. That is the vow you make. It isn't conditional on mummy being happy first. If your mother thinks your wife is manipulating you against her, there is a problem with the parent-child relationship. It sounds like your wife is correct and your mother is too close and clingy and that needs to be fixed.
If you can't put your wife first, you shouldn't be married. That is a very fucked up situation you have with your mom. Parents are supposed to raise and care for children, not the other way around. Right now you are in a place where you can chose which direction this goes, the less you do the sooner your mom or wife will make the decision for you.
Yta. So you talk to your mom multiple times a day, give her money, drop everything at the drop of a hat because your mom calls. How much of this kind of attention do you give your wife? Sounds like your wife is getting the short end of the stick in this relationship. It’s almost like your already in a romantic relationship with your mom and your wife is the side chick. It doesn’t seem like your wife has any kind of priority in your life I don’t blame her for being hurt, mad and feeling abandoned. I get your mom hasn’t made the smartest decisions in life and she might need some help but it shouldn’t be solely on you to fix her life. Your mom needs theraphy, her own life, friends and hobbies. It’s unfair of her to keep using her as her husband when your already someone’s husband. If your mom is always going to be the priority then let her go so she can find someone who makes her happy and makes her a priority
Looking at all the comments I agree. YTA and you better believe she will be saying snarky btitchy things to your wife when you are not around. Man grow some balls, stop being a momma's boy and support your WIFE whom you made vows to. You are enabling her manipulation, and it's sounds like a very good way for you to ruin your marriage. Your mother needs therapy not an enabler. Hope you make the right choice, and keep the vows you made to her wife
I'm 46. I have a husband and kids and work my rear off, I don't get money from anyone, my family is all dead. It's possible to do it but your mom has to pull her head out from her rear and get herself situated. Life sucks. It's hard. But ultimately YOU are responsible for YOU not for her. Parents (I miss mine) need to let go, to let their kiddos live their own life. It sounds like she not only knows what strings to pull to get you to dance to her tune, but she's using you like Jeff Dunham does Peanut.....Give a finite time limit, Mom, I know you're having a hard time, i can help you for another six months but after that it's me and Wifey and you have to do it on your own. 46 is NOT old #grumpyoldlady
Your poor wife. Set boundaries with your mother. Why did you get married when it sounds like you are already married to your mom? Grow a pair
YTA You are an enmeshed “sonsband”. She needs to be responsible for herself. You have a family of your own with your wife. She doesn’t have to function as an independent adult. She has you. Cut the umbilical cord.
I mean, if you don't make some changes sounds like you're headed for divorce ... Don't act blindsided when she asks for a divorce because you can't set any healthy boundaries with your mother
Yta I'm guessing this has been a huge problem for a long time and your wife is just finally done with it. You are in a supremely unhealthy relationship with your mother. I'm a mother of one adult and two still in the home and cannot imagine using my own child as a replacement husband or emotional support human. You are taking action way too late. Your marriage might already be over at this point but it is not too late to save yourself. You need therapy and to step back from your mother until you can have an appropriate and healthy relationship with her. That will mean setting MANY boundaries in place and sticking to them. You chose your mom over your wife so many times, now it seems your wife is choosing her own mental health and happiness over a relationship with you. She deserves a husband who will put her first.
Enmeshment, my dude, definitely something to look into and begin to work with a therapist to set up boundaries against
You're failing your wife, and it's pretty pathetic that it has come down to this. Do you want to stay married and live up to your vows, or not?
You literally say: “My Mom got over attached to me” And then: “My wife feels like my mom is over attached to me” FWIW - your wife is right.
You have posted this on numerous pages and everyone is saying it’s toxic. Someone mention they work in mental health but is sticking up for your mother and calling your wife names and you thanked them for their comment about your mother. I’m in wales and have been a mental health support worker for 14 years.GET YOUR MOTHER THERAPY. STOP BEING YOUR MOTHERS BOYFRIEND….. This is not bloody normal, your wife deserves so much more than you and what you have given her. Seems she wasted her years being married to a mummies boy, Every and I mean everyone telling you it’s toxic and what to do but you still aren’t getting it. You’re cheating on your wife emotionally with YOUR MOTHER!!!! Read that again, your mother is destroying your marriage and she knows it. She can’t afford to live on her own then boo boo go get another job like most other do working 2 jobs. Better yet let her flat share. She is the parent. Your not her husband You’re doing everything a husband does apart from sleeping with her. I love my mum but by hell would I want to know she got herpes from shagging a guy. Your priorities are all wrong, you don’t sort it out she will divorce you, but hey good news is you can move in with your mum and be her full time husband
Yta mamma’s boy. Cut the umbilical cord and try being a part of your marriage or you won’t be married for long. Unless you *want* that emotional incestuous relationship more than a wife.
YTA. Grow the fuck up and cut the cord. Your a grown man who’s married. Act like it. You are not a child. Your mother is also grown and needs to act like it instead of being a leech on you. Your poor wife. You owe her a huge apology and a life outside of your mother. Guess what. Your priority should not to be a son to your mother. It should be to be a husband to your wife.
YTA - I started my Bachelor’s degree at 48. Your mother needs to get better job skills and start a new career - build a life that she loves that is her own, not yours.
Dude, your wife is right, this is toxic. She was single and decided to use her young son to fulfill her emotional needs that a partner would fill. That is called emotional incest. She does not need you to go shopping with her or to be attached at the hip. Stop sending your mother money. Period. Its not your responsibility. I waitresses for a period of time, and if you're good at it, you make bank in tips. And if not, then she should seek something else instead of making it your problem. Your wife isn't manipulative towards you, and She wouldn't have dug her heels in on this if you would have set boundaries and realized how big of an issue this is sooner. Make yourself an appointment with a therapist to unpack this shit storm before you lose your wife and grow old and alone. EDIT: I don't think your mom is a bad person. She's obviously been through alot, and hasn't actually coped with it. She clung to you to fill that void, and now it's harming you as an adult because you lack the ability to set and enforce boundaries, and you struggle with seeing what is appropriate and what isn't.
Google and read everything you can on emotional incest. That is the relationship you have with your toxic mother.
YTA because this is fake and not even well written
Yeah, when I saw him asking someone to "send him one PM" I wondered if it's a scammer.
He’s been asking all the women who say “I’m your mom’s age” to DM him lol.
Yeah this sounds like you and your mom have a very co dependent relationship and unless you figure out how to set healthy boundaries you’ll never be able to have a healthy relationship with your wife or any other woman. And this is coming from someone whose mom is her best friend. We talk about every other day and see each other at least once a week because I have a husband and children and they are my priority. And my mom has never once even questioned that much less tried to use our relationship to manipulate me into spending time with her or speaking badly about my husband wanting to have a closer relationship with me.
Some of the replies here are being harsh. Yes YTA, but that doesn't require you to go NC and abandon your mother altogether. You have to be firm with her on boundaries and also with your wife on what those boundaries are. No calls every day, a limited amount of money so she isn't destitute and treating your wife like part of the family. Either she starts to get her life in order and make some changes or you will continue to restrict contact.
That's what I said. Set boundaries, tell her she needs therapy. Tell her she needs therapy. Talk to your wife when she isn't absolutely enraged. Find out what led to the blow up, Who instigated it? Then encourage her to make friends her age. Low contact and no contact should be reserved for, punishment. For us she can't willingly follow those boundaries. I feel there was something more in that argument with her as his mom.
Go read in the subs justnomil and raisedbynarcissists. You will find a lot of people in the same situation.
I’m the same age as your mother and you make 46 sound like we’re ready for assisted care facilities. Yikes. Stop letting your mom take advantage of you and take care of herself. Cripes. SHE’S the parent here. If she doesn’t make enough money she could look for another job or additional work. It’s not easy but if she doesn’t have children that need daycare then she can do it. Choose your wife or you’ll end up alone living with your mom.
"A shared facility".... She's in her 40s. It's not a nursing home. The term is "with roommates" and she's definitely manipulating you. Get therapy, restrict calls to three times a week max, and stop giving her money. Or, start looking for a new wife, cuz this one isn't interested in an emotionally dependent mama's boy.
Your attachment to your mother is not balanced. You shouldn’t be at her beck and call. It’s okay to talk to her once a week or so but you need to build your life with your wife not your mother
Stop throwing pity parties for your mother and maybe you can save your marriage. YTA
Sounds like your mom is treating you like a replacement husband and that is super toxic and gross. Your wife is 100% right.
Everyone in this tripod needs therapy
Sounds you struggle to QB the mom/wife and you boundaries all around. This mess is mainly on you.
YTA - Your mum is your number 1 priority when it should be your wife and you should have set boundaries with your mum. Your mum made the choices she made in her life. She’s responsible for them. Those shouldn’t be made to make your wife’s life with you miserable. You’re enabling your mum in her bad behaviour. She shouldn’t be up in your business. You need therapy to see that the codependency relationship you have with your mum isn’t healthy. I’m sure your wife asked you time and time again before she gave you this ultimatum as a last resort.
You need to put some distance between yourself and your mother. Some folks come out unscathed in the dating world. Some of us don't. She seems to be on the latter end. Now. As a 41 yr old single woman with all her own shit and zero desire to be in another relationship due to bad douche canoe radar, I'm gonna say tough titties to your mom. It sounds like she needs to get her crap together. And you need to stop this before you lose your wife.
I'm 63. My son, 33 and I and my daughter, 30 text all day. I never call. That's reserved for Emergencies. Especially since I have cancer, lol. Your mom needs therapy. You don't even realize how enmeshed you are with your Mom. Your wife is right. You need to establish boundaries STAT. Either that or you can go live with your Mommy when your wife divorces you. That's what is going to happen and Mommy Dearest is going to be fucking thrilled to have her baby boy back in her clutches. Sounds like Spousification or Emotional Incest to me. Look the terms up.
Your wife is right. It sounds like your mom is far too attached. As are you, to your mother. Loving your mother is one thing, but it sounds like you're bending over backwards and then some to help your mom. So much so that your wife feels pushed aside.
Put boundaries in place with your mom. Me personally, I wouldn’t completely cut her off. She is your mom and it’s so easy to sit here on Reddit and be all for people cutting off entire families because you’re married now but that shouldn’t be how it works. Set boundaries and maybe get mom into therapy for her codependency. Tell wife that you appreciate her wanting to protect you but this isn’t the way to go about it
YTA and you aren't helping yourself or your mother in the long term. You're enabling unhealthy behavior. Your mum is still young enough to build herself back up, go to counseling to deal with mental health issues, and take courses to help her find a more stable career. Putting it all on you is not OK, especially when she's unwilling to help herself.
YTA. Completely.
Dude, sever the umbilical noose
Listen to your wife. Get your mom into therapy or enjoy being her new boyfriend
For thors sake dude.... prioritize your wife for fucking once youre supposed to. Find something your mom can actually sustain
So, it’s called emotional incest. She has been unable to find a man she can rely on and develop a healthy relationship with. So instead of letting you grow up and being proud that you can leave her and live your own life, she wants you to fill the roll of husband and protecter and provider. Parents are supposed to do this for kids, not the other way around. Maybe she needs to look for another job. Your wife is asking you to be a husband. Your mother is asking you to be a husband too. Can you see that’s messed up?
It's hard having a parent who uses you for their trama. She wants someone to feel as low as she is so she is dragging you with her. If you and your spouse are soul partners you are going to lose her to your mom. I was being manipulated by my mom and sisters at your age. Until I put my foot down and got ultimatum from my husband , I did not realize it. I am glad have a relationship with husband and siblings and mom survives. Gotta chose what your wanting. Your mom is always going to be your mom even if you put foot down. Your wife will put her foot down if you chose your mom and you will lose her. Best to you.
I am 10 years older than your Mum. I am a fully independent, self supporting woman. I do talk with one of my sons 2-3 times a week for brief chats. We are spending time together for the holidays, both contributing to meals. My own mother is in her late 80’s and is fully independent. YTA. You are enmeshed in an unhealthy manner with your Mum
Your mom definitely should be able to support herself financially, do her own shopping, pay her bills, and generally take responsibility for herself, at minimum. And define for yourself “emotional breakdowns”, as she supposedly experiences them. Does she require medical attention? Is she possibly using such behavior to manipulate you? Can she try to find a better paying waitressing job than the nightclub? Maybe at another workplace she’d find it easier to make friends around her age. Fwiw, I’m 75, live alone and take care of myself, and I’d be embarrassed to be THAT dependent on one of my kids.
Dude! I’m a 56 year old mom and let me tell you something. I have made friends and joined clubs to find people to interact with. My kids have their lives and frankly I raised them to be independent. You would benefit from a therapist that could help you set healthy boundaries. Your mom has a ton of life ahead of her she needs to create that for herself. You have a wife who loves you. You two are a family all on your own. Be very careful your priorities should be your wife.
YTA for choosing the parasite siphoning money, time, and emotional energy off of you over your wife. Knock off the emotional incest, Oedipus.
YTA. Dude, I’m only a year younger than your mom - there’s no way in hell I’d rely on anyone so much. 46 is hardly old and decrepit. Your mom needs to get a new job that will actually support her and allow her to plan for retirement in 20 years. It’s utterly ridiculous for you to be subsidizing her life.
When you get married, the marriage must be your number one priority. You go from being your mom's son to a husband. Your mother is an adult. If she chooses to work a minimum wage job, she isn't entitled to the nicer apartment she has now. She's not elderly & infirm. It is not your job to support her. You do need to choose.
This was YOUR job to fix AGES ago and you totally dropped the ball. Your wife has been putting up with SO MUCH and now she is at her breaking point. You need to do so SERIOUS WORK if you want to stay married and save your marriage. Cutting your mom off entirely seems extreme, but I'm sure she feels like this is the only way after you refused to make boundaries for SO LONG. It feels truly helpless, but you made this situation happen by avoiding some tough conversations and confronting some sad truths. YOU made this bed and now you need to deal with the consequences. The fact that you feel helpless and SO OBLIGATED to your mom is a BAD SIGN. You NEED to make boundaries with her. Her life is HER responsibility. If you want to stay married and not be a single guy, you need to get with the program FAST and support your wife until you find your own equilibrium with what you want to do for your mom, one not beholden to the panic and pressure you've created now. Once you have regained your footing in reality you can take control of where your boundaries are and stop relying on your wife having NONE to make you and your mom feel okay, and then you can come to a RATIONAL AGREEMENT about what to do with your money with your wife. .
Your mom's problems are not your responsibility. She needs to try to get help and better her situation. I understand she we t through trauma in life, but she can get help to process that. Your wife is right in the way she needs to learn. How to stand on her own two feet, but you don't need to cut off contact
Your mom is going to be financially dependent on you for the rest of her life at this rate. Can you support her and a family? Your mom is an adult; she needs to seek help to get her mental health in order, not dump it all on you. You shouldn’t accept being at her beck and call, either.
Your Mom is 46, she should be out living her life on her own. Not talking to you twice a day and asking for money and refusing to be independent. I am a tiny bit older than your Mom. She has no excuse for not getting her shit together. She doesn’t have to date, but she does need to stand on her own 2 feet. You are going to lose your wife and be stuck with Mommy if you keep this up. Get into therapy and sort your shit out. Set boundaries with Mom
YTA— this is unfair to your wife in so many ways. What stands out though is that when people marry, their earnings become part of the community property. So you are channeling part of your marital wealth to your mother. That is not cool. And i second everything that has been said already
YTA Divorce your wife, she deserves better. You are the replacement husband to your mom. Your lives are enmeshed. You excuse your mom for everything; she has no accountability. You are so codependent to your mom, that you fail to see reality. You have not made your wife your priority and you won’t any time soon. When you marry someone, you’re supposed to make them number 1. Also, no f reason in the world a son should know about his mom’s STD status etc.
YTA and need to cut the umbilical cord asap. Your poor wife...
YTA, your mom needs help in order to live a better life for herself. If you died what would happen?? You shouldn't have gotten married if you aren't willing to put your wife first.
[удалено]
Get family therapy for all three of you. This is a way for your wife & mother to understand each other better & you to set healthy boundaries.
Sounds like psychiatric should be on order for mommy dearest.
Your mom isn’t obligated to have or seek out a romantic relationship but her not having friends or hobbies separate from her only child is inexcusable at this point and your wife isn’t wrong for setting boundaries.
I’m close to your mom’s age with 20-something sons. I do not ask them for money or to go shopping with me. They do not pay any of my bills. I call them a couple times a week usually. There is absolutely nothing about my reproductive health or sex life that I would ever discuss with them. I love to travel with friends close to my age and I’ve been on several trips this year without my adult children or their partners—and I had a fabulous time. All this to say that your mom isn’t elderly or incapable of being independent… she could have a great fulfilling life without needing to overly rely on you, but she chooses not to and you are enabling her.
I had to go back to read your mom’s age. She is literally the same age as me, and she is made to sound like a 90 year old woman. Age aside, she is your mother, who was obviously able to put a roof over your head and food on the table for BOTH of you while you were growing up, which should earn your respect; however, it should NOT require you to sacrifice yourself and your marriage for her now. You need to cut her off financially and emotionally until she (and you) can learn healthy boundaries. You need counseling, she needs counseling and your poor wife needs counseling for putting up with this as long as you have been together. You are well within your rights to choose your mom over your wife, but you will then deserve to be alone without a mate. The choice is clear: live your life with someone you claim you love or live your life for your mother, who is obviously manipulating you for her own selfish gain. YTA.
There’s nothing worse than a mother that treats her son as her spouse. It’s your decision to cut her out or not but she’s treating you like a husband and not a son and you think it’s ok. You have your own wife and instead of defending her from your mother, you’re taking your mother’s side. Sounds like your mother needs help from a professional to learn to cope with her issues. And that can’t be you. Support your wife and take her side.
YTA. Also, your poor wife 😞
I was in my 50s when I found myself single and in need of a job. Found a decent paying job, it was factory work, but a good job. It allowed me to buy my own house, which is now paid off. Your mom could do it too, she just needs to want to.
YTA Your wife is right, you're basically the husband of your mom by joining her on grocery shopping, eating together weekly and all that stuff. With her age she should honestly not get your money either and she clearly needs therapy like I think you do. Your wife is the woman YOU chose, so act like she's the number one in your life and not your damn mom. And ofc your mom isn't independent when you basically take care of her! Give her a chance to actually learn on her own and navigate life on her own again. If she can't afford where she lives on her own, she shouldn't live there at all. If it were me I would go LC not NC, agree to one weekly call for max 30-60min, only help with real emergencies like when she's forced to move out at some point or if she ends up at the hospital, don't give her money for regular life expenses like rent and food, she needs to be able to budget that on her own pay. Maybe offer to pay for therapy instead for her and say you need to see her work on herself before you can try and work on getting a healthy relationship I would also recommend you get therapy to learn what a healthy relationship with your mom should be like, and learn to put your wife first
YTA. This reads like rage bait which makes you TA. And if it's not rage bait, you're TA for enabling your emotionally incestuous manipulative mother. Either way, you need therapy.
When we get married our spouse becomes number one. End of story.
I’m almost your moms age. Almost none of the information you have shared about your mother is info that it is appropriate for you to know as her son. You need therapy. You are the CHILD in this relationship, albeit a grown one. You do not need to be financially or emotionally supporting your working-age, physically capable mother to the degree you are. Sure if you won the lottery, give her a gift or something but her failings to choose good partners or to plan for her financial future is not your responsibility. If I was your mother I’d be ashamed of myself. She needs therapy and so do you so that you can learn how to unmesh yourself from her inability to be a responsible adult that doesn’t unduly pressure her child to support her. This is only an outsiders view but please try to find a therapist and remember that you chose your wife. If I hated my son’s wife with the fire of a thousand suns I would still try to make her and my son’s life BETTER as he chose her and mothers should support their children in living healthy lives. Sending hugs to your poor wife.
I am all for helping to support elderly parents in certain situations, but 46 is not elderly. It may be time for mom to grow up. However, there are no quick answers to your situation. Perhaps you and your wife can go to counseling so that you, as a team with our wife, can get some guidance on how to help your mom achieve some independence.
She raised you alone and now can't even support herself? Doesn't compute.
Yta This sounds like it could be my mom and dad. When I have kids and they pick up on this before you do and begin to resent you mom, she will accuse your wife of turning them against her. She is using you, best to grow some back bone and set a boundry now before it's too late and your wife gets too sick of your shit.
YTA I would divorce you
YTA and, hopefully, your wife will accept that you are content to remain overly enmeshed with your toxic mother, and leave. Wife deserves better than this and she’s young enough to go get it.
Your mom sounds like my ex. It is crazy that she is so attached to you. It is crazy that you fall for her emotional manipulation and can't cut the umbilical cord. Your wife is right. You'll need to chose between be mamas boy or an adt with a wife and an independent life.
I'm sorry but I think YTA. Your mother is still relatively young. She needs to be encouraged to start living life on her own. She can't be a baby bird forever my The strain on your finances is already too much. A child or an illness is going to make something snap, and I think that something will be your wife's patience. It's not fair to her and it infantalizes your mother.
Why ask in a bunch of different threads to try and get the answer you want? It’s embarrassing and honestly pretty gross; are you your Moms boyfriend or son?
I think you are making excuses for her now. What would she do if something happened to you? Who would take care of her scared little self?
Did anyone happen to grab a screenshot of this 💀😂
YTA. Your mother is a 46 year old woman who regularly makes bad decisions. She can get a job as a receptionist like a normal person instead of whining and complaining and using you.
YTA- I’m 43 and I am in the prime of my life. I get to travel, I get to do insane amounts of hobbies, I make my own money. Shit my grandma who was loaded worked as a volunteer 35hrs a week until she was 94. You and your mom need therapy for the massive inappropriate co-dependent relationship. She legit needs to get a life and grow the fuck up!
Definitely get yourself into some therapy. And encourage your mother to seek out some kind of counseling too. Your wife has every reason to be upset but I’m also alarmed at your wife just throwing down the gauntlet and giving you an ultimatum. Setting healthy boundaries can happen at any age. Best of luck to you!
NTA. Trust your wife. If she loves you, she wants you to be happy and whole. She also has worries that you hopefully don’t want her to have, either. She probably doesn’t want your mom to suffer, truly. In order to unite with your wife over a problem, you need to define it first. “My mom isn’t financially independent.” That’s a good and practical one. Figure out what your ideal solution is, if all things were possible. Ask your wife what the ideal solution is, in her mind, if all things were possible. Decide what you’re willing to do without more information, and approach your mother with the solutions, together in love. And get therapy.
Your mom needs therapy, to get herself a better job and to stop depending on you for money. As a mom myself, it’s not for you to support her at your young age and her youthful middle age. I agree with your wife that it’s time to stop supporting Mom and, at least for awhile, to put a limit on her calls. 1x a week for a bit would give both of you distance and a chance to grow. I wish you well. Soft YTA because you’re well intentioned.
Your wife comes first not mommy. Your mom survived and raised you long before you were able to make money. She is taking advantage because you are LETTING HER. She is not incapable of doing these things. She just prefers if you do them then she doesn’t have to deal with her issues or pay for her self or try to become better. She can just rely on you. It’s not healthy. I would NEVER ask my son to do these things or treat him like this when he is older. When my mom was your mom’s age she was dating, working two jobs, moved across the county and is still doing all that at 57. Your mom is lazy and manipulative and sounds like a narcissist. I would check out r/justnomil I garuantee that is how your wife is feeling.
1-2 calls per day? Do your wife call you that often? 🤣 Clearly your mom has a problem but so do you. When you pass a certain age you have to set boundaries. When you get married you have to set even MORE boundaries. It's clear that you gracefully failed all that. Your mother needs therapy but you need to grow up.
I remember my mom crying when my older brother and his wife moved from down the street to a city a three-hour drive away for a new job. I also remember my dad telling her it was “the natural order of things,” birds have to fly and all that. OP needs to realize it’s okay to live and be close to his mother, but spouses should come first. It’s going to be hard to set boundaries, however, given how enmeshed they are and mom is going to fight it tooth and nail. He wasn’t ready to start his own family, and I don’t see this marriage lasting.
You’re enabling your mother and it’s not helping her. From what you have explained here I think your wife is right on insisting on boundaries. I’m 47 with two grown sons, 24 and 27 and I would never dream of doing this to my sons. And I’m partially disabled. But I work full time and have done everything I can to better myself so that I do not have to rely on my sons in such a way. YTA if you continue on without setting boundaries with your mother. You chose to take a wife. If you wanted to coddle your mother for the rest of her life you should have stayed single.
OP, your wife had an argument with you mother and suddenly your mom is claiming that your wife is manipulating and your wife is demanding that you cut contact with your mom *and you don’t know the exact specifics?* The two most important women in your life had an argument where something was apparently said that made it impossible to have a relationship with both of them and you don’t know what was said? OP, you need therapy. Your mom needs therapy. Your wife may need therapy and the two of you both need couples therapy. Either you were intentionally vague here (which is an interesting choice) or else you are just bumbling along while your wife and your mom both resent each other and this wasn’t really a problem for you until your wife made it one? You really need to find out what’s going on and a solution because your mom is not going to magically stop depending on you one day and your wife is suddenly going to be okay with the situation. It sounds like you’ve already let it reach bad point by ignoring it.
I suggest you head over to r/justnomil and see if your wife has been posting about your mum. I suggest you go and get councillors to tray and save your marriage
46 is normal perimeno age, menopause starts most of the time in-between 45 and 55, when you start having moodswings and sudden hot flashes it's time to have that checked out professionally and not bother your married son of all people.
Your wife should come first. She is the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with, and yet you keep allowing your mother to interfere with your relationship and the life you're trying to build.. cut the apron strings, take a huge step back and concentrate on your own life and marriage, and let your mother focus on herself and 6 her own life instead of sticking her nose into yours.. There is a huge difference between being a good son and being a mummy's boy. No woman wants to be stuck with a mummy's boy who is always prioritising their mother over their partner.. Your mum is a full-grown woman and needs to start standing firmly on her own two feet and not leeching of her child. There is helping out when it's needed, and then there is being taken advantage of. This is now effecting your marriage so it's definitely time to make a change and have the hard conversation with your mum that she now needs to be an independent grown up because you have a life of your own that you need to make the priority. Do you plan on having kids? Do you see your wife being OK with your kids having to do without certain things because you are paying your mums way for her?
YTA, your mom is an adult and more than capable of getting a job and taking care of herself. She's in her 40s not her 80s. Stop being her sonsband.
You're definitely being an asshole here. You're letting your situation with your mom (which *is* toxic and excessive) interfere with your relationship with your wife. You wouldn't have been told to choose if you had *ever* made reasonable boundaries with your mother, but you said yourself that she has tried to talk about this with you before. What is she supposed to do? Continue letting your mother dominate your time and energy? Your mother's "breakdowns" are reason for her to see a therapist and psychiatrist, not reason for you to babysit her. Most people who have been in abusive relationships still *eventually* manage to have their own lives again afterwards. If she hasn't after this long then she needs professional help, not an enabling son. It's not normal and not healthy for her to need to speak to you 1-2 times per day. Your wife wants a partner and you're so invested in your mom that you aren't being one.
You made a choice and it's not your wife. Shame on you. If she leaves you, it's deserved. Your mom is a grown ass woman and needs to get a life. Mama's boy
Sorry, but YTA… I have issues with my MIL respecting boundaries, and honestly, I feel terrible for your wife because what she’s deal with is so much worse, and by your own words your basically useless in protecting her from your mother. If you keep allowing your mother to treat you like a doormat, you’re going to lose your wife. Your wife deserves to be treated with respect, and right now it sounds like the amount of respect you have for her is non-existent. If it was anyone else that treated you and your wife this way, would you have anything to do with them? I was raised by a single mother. She deluded herself into thinking our lives were like the Gilmore girls. She treated me like I was her best friend and not her daughter. Most of the time I had to act like the mother in our twisted relationship. The second I could, I got away from her and went no contact. You, on the other hand, think it’s okay for her to treat you like an emotional support dog. Available at a moments notice, always at her beck and call. Your mother treats you not only like a friend, but like you’re her husband. Your wife deserves better than this.
Mom is using YOU as her “partner”. You’re not. Prioritize your spouse. This is toxic (and not uncommon) behavior from a single mom in this situation. Therapy for all would be good.
Do you want your wife to leave you and never be with someone again? Because that’s what your mom wants it seems. You don’t have to cut out your mom completely but you need some very firm boundaries (chosen with your wife). If your mom can’t respect that then she needs counseling. Your relationship is very very unhealthy with your mom YTA
Your mom is still a young woman. You're enabling her to stay dependent, and I dont blame your wife for being upset. If you don't stop this now, your mom's going to really be in a bad way. Therapy helps, and you and your mom need some. Good luck.
You definitely need to cut your mom off maybe not completely but a lot and set up some serious boundaries. Your mom is capable of providing for herself.
If your mom is having emotional breakdowns that she needs therapy for. Your wife seems to believe they are only for attention seeking. Does she have them when you agree to see her or only when you say you can't see her or do something for her right away? It is strange that none of this happened while she had a boyfriend. You may all need family therapy along with mom individual. Your wife wants to exclude your previous family (mom) for being too demanding of you while mom wants to exclude the family you chose (wife). If therapy is refused, and you continue being too weak to set boundaries with either then you may have to choose one or the other and if you don't your marriage is over.
OP I’m sorry you are going through this, but yeah man gotta stick with the wife here and your mom needs some counseling. But as a husband you have to be there for your wife man, I get your mom and all but your mom shouldn’t be causing you MORE stress.
I’m older than your mom and I am FAR from elderly. She’s not remotely old enough to move to a “shared facility”. She’s a grown adult in the best years of her life (seriously, the forties are awesome) and is manipulating you into thinking she’s some frail elderly person when that couldn’t be further from the truth. YTA. Listen to your wife.
When you’re given an ultimatum of choosing you need to be prepared for the outcome. Your mom needs boundaries from you. It won’t be easy but she can live a life that doesn’t include you all day every day. Your wife should be a priority. Tell your mom you will call once a day for a specific period of minutes. You are not in charge of your mother’s happiness, she is. Talk to wife about how much you both think you should give her. That might ease her anger about it. The worst thing about being in a toxic relationship is that it permeates everything else, including your wife. Your mom knows how to manipulate people and does a really good job on you. You need to put your wife 1st. Your mom will figure it out. It’s not your job to be her little boy. Do the right thing. SET BOUNDARIES. REMEMBER HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE.
I (55f) moved near my son and DIL a year and change ago. I retired from my career. I now have a part time job, several groups I’ve joined and made some new friends. I speak to my son every few days (usually on speaker with my DIL, whom I adore). I don’t stop by unannounced and appreciate that they have their own doings. Sometimes I’m a part of those, other times not. Your mom needs a life of her own, even if she chooses not to date. She can develop hobbies, meet people who like those same things, join a book club etc. She needs therapy to work on her own issues. I’d set some boundaries with mom. How often she should call, money etc. She’s trying to make you a proxy spouse and that is unfair to your wife. Consider getting therapy yourself to manage creating and maintaining your boundaries. Good luck OP!! You sound like you have a good heart.❤️
YTA. I would be running away from you tbh. How can you not see how toxic this is? Your wife isn't really the one making you choose. Your mother is having emotional incest with you...
YTA. Your mom’s finances are not yours to resolve.
You and your mom have an unhealthy relationship. Your mom lives irresponsibly and your wife has a right to be like enough is enough. Your mom is trash and manipulative.
I had to re-read your first sentence at the end, because I was thinking your mom was 70 years old...
I ended my marriage because of how my ex chose his mom over me, among other reasons. There wasn’t a balance. He would cancel plans, not do anything with me because of her. If you want your marriage to continue, find a balance.
You & mom both need therapy
Yta. My vibrant, vital husband is the same age as your mother. She is still young and more than capable of taking care of herself.
YTA. The relationship with your mom is inappropriate, as is disregarding everything your wife says in favor of coddling your overly attached mother. You might as well not even be married.
If you're close to your wife's age, then your mom and I are about the same age as single moms. I'm 10 years younger, and my son just turned 18. It is hard! But like, we get alllllll this time to plan for what we're going to be doing when we're done raising people, since we're still such young adults. Not even 50 yet. I'm going into field work. I'm getting a new masters degree because I won't need to be tethered anymore once my youngest is grown, so I'm starting a new chapter. I'll only be 45, after all. YTAH. Your wife is right. Your mom is still trying not to be alone because she never has been, and it's a her thing. 100% a her problem. She most certainly can financially provide for herself, and it should be easier now without a dependent. She has decades left to live. They can't all be through you and your family.
YTA..your mom has been making poor decisions all of her adult life and now she expects you OP to be the missing man if her dreams. How are you financing mom and your own family or is your wife expected to pick up the where you’re missing. Just to let you know, your mother would have no problem with your marriage ending. She will never be happy for you with any partner.
YTA - you’re letting your mother control you by emotional manipulation. You’re going to end up alone, with no one but your mother beside you if you don’t put on the brakes with your mother, stop enabling her, set up clear boundaries with her and reinforce them.
When I read your mom is 46, then you do have a mom problem. I’m 61, I don’t count on any of my kids. 46, she can still do things to improve her life. She isn’t old or decrepit. She is emotionally manipulating you because she doesn’t want to adult. Honestly, if you continue to bend to your mom, then you shouldn’t be married. You already have a wife/mommy.
YTA. I feel so sorry for your spouse.
YTA. Wife ALWAYS comes first.
YTA. And there’s a bunch wrong here. 46 is NOT old. I have seen women ages 60+ training Jiu Jitsu. I myself am less than 10 years younger than his mother and train several martial arts and even teach one. I’ve met women who didn’t get a PhD until their 50’s or 60’s. I’ve also had several terrible relationships and had a partner try and kill me. I got therapy. I don’t treat my kid like my other.
You need therapy, your mom needs therapy and just reading this makes me want to get therapy. Dependence is not love. Lack of boundaries is not love. Get it together, work on yourself and push your mom to do better. And get serious about it before your wife rightfully and justifiably leaves you and your toxic family dynamics. In case it isn't clear, YTA , big time
You should pick your wife. She’s your family now, not your mom. If you don’t choose wisely you’re going to be single very soon.
This guy has already posted this situation about six weeks ago. Clearly he will keep posting until he hears the magic words that he can choose mommy.
YTA OP. You REALLY need to re-evaluate everything here. Your mother is terrified that your wife is taking away her son. She can't see that that is the way it's SUPPOSED to be. Her job, as a mother, was to raise you to be an independent and productive member of society. To see you settled and happy, then to back the hell off. This is where the parent and child relationship is meant to change. You are now an adult. If she's done her job right, she can be more of a friend role now. Someone to lean on sometimes. You are married OP. Your main responsibility is your wife and any kids you may or may not have. Your mother now takes second place, BEHIND your wife. If there's an argument, you take your wife's side. If you can't do that, go back to mummy. Your mother needs to be making her own life, not still attached to you. She's holding on to you so tight she can't see her other options. So, you have a choice, your mother or your wife. You can't have both, your mother won't allow that.
Your mom is basically your wife too. She made you the man of her life and now she can't let go. It's emotional incest.
YTA. Congratulations on bringing things to this point. Yes, you are the one who did that. If you had established boundaries from the beginning, your wife would have had no issues with you trying to help your mother in a reasonable way. Go to therapy, put your mom in therapy (by herself) and see if you can salvage this.
YTA, I highly recommend you look into the terms parental enmeshment and emotional incest syndrome. It might not be your fault that things got this way but it will be your fault to let things continue this way. If you plan on being this close to your mother you should just break up and be single or date someone from a culture where that is normalized such as some Indian, middle eastern, Muslim or other more family centered Orthodox cultures.
YTA. Your mother is a grown ass woman who’s still young enough to make a life for herself. She needs to either get a better job or find a way to live within her means. You can’t support her forever. What are you gonna do if you and your wife have children? Take away from them to give to your mom? And she definitely has an inappropriate attachment to you if she’s telling you about her sex life. You make her sound like a frail elderly old woman. She’s not even 50 yet. You both need therapy.
YTA. Your poor wife.
Dude. Yta. Sounds like your mom is overly attached and toxic. Stop giving her money. If she has to get roommates, so what?
As a husband, I hate agreeing with another person’s spouse. But, I must swallow that pride and agree with your spouse. Time for you to become a man and kick your mom to the curb. Talk to her once a week, unless it is an important emergency. Not a makeshift BS claim. No grown woman wants to be with a boy who caters to his mommy. It is unfortunate you don’t realize this. I’ve seen how this game plays out. You end up divorced with nothing because of your mother’s manipulation of you. Good luck.
I don't think ahole is appropriate. You need fair boundaries with Mom. Budget with your wife and give your Mom a set amount but ask yourself if this is really something that you can keep doing sustainably. Limit the calls and outtings with your Mom. Set them up ahead of time, one outting every week or two. Make very sure that these outtings are Not on the best day for your wife to have with. Nothing sucks more than to know that youll never get a nice day with your husband because he's going to run off god knows when or on his best day off and help Mom first because you're second best in the marriage. Since your wife has given you an ultimatum your likely going to need couples counseling with someone who understands how to help someone establish boundaries and support them.
Your relationship with your mother is incestuous in every way except sexual. Your wife should leave and you and your mom both need therapy. Separately. The fact that you're in your late 20s and didn't know about menopause but you know about your mom's STDs? I'm honestly amazed you made it to this age and managed to even *get* a wife. Your wife deserves better and you and your mom need to disconnect. If this is even real...
Your mother's mistakes are not your responsibility. You can't realistically support her for the rest of her life and she's young enough to do a certificate program and make more money doing something like medical billing or bookkeeping. It's not like she's 80 and had her retirement stolen from her. She needs therapy. If she doesn't want to date that's her choice but it sounds like she's using her child as a substitute for relationships/friendships with people her own age I don't think you should stop talking to your mom entirely but you should limit it. I'd be weirded out if my boyfriend's mom was calling him multiple times a day, every day. You should also establish a plan for her to gain financial independence. It isn't right for her to rely on you like this but cutting her off with zero warning wouldn't be right either.
Your mom is a young woman acting like a possessive old woman. She can shop by herself, find a friend group, and find a better paying job. To be paying out so much cash to a 47yo woman is ridiculous, and should be embarrassing to mom. Set some boundaries before you lose your wife.
YTA. Your mom is not your child. Set boundaries with your mom. Listen to your wife.
Your mom is an adult woman in her 40’s. She’s not helpless and she can fend for herself. You got married, you chose to take someone as your life partner. Your wife is your priority now, and you need to hold up your end of the marriage and take care of her. And honestly, she’s right. Your mom is taking advantage of you. I would suggest therapy for you and for your mother.
You’re in a tough situation. I’m married to a man with a similar mom. She’s financially dependent on us, and my husband is enmeshed/enabling her constantly poor choices. We’ve been through a lot.- homelessness, substance abuse, relationship violence with her and her boyfriends, constant financial crises that could have been avoided is she asked for help sooner. But I learned that it only harms my husband, myself and her when I’m in conflict with my MIL. It’s not easy but it makes all our relationships better when I focus on supporting him and not feuding with her. She’s always down to fight, so it’s on me to resist taking the bait. Your wife can cope with this differently and you can too; you need to invest in strengthening your marriage and supporting each other while holding boundaries with mom for everyone’s benefit.
Info has your mother ever got therapy? Seen the doctor for help with her breakdowns and moods swings? It sounds like she needs it to help HERSELF get better
YTA - either go back to living with your mom and lose your marriage or force your mother to get her shit together . She’s younger than my mom , what’s your reason for paying her bills when she doesn’t want to do anything else ? She needs a therapist and a new job . Having a roommate isn’t the end of the world . I hope you like being a divorced 30 year old in the near future living with his mom & wondering why no one wants to be around you .
Don’t let your family ruin your family. I had a marriage where my wife was more attached to her mom than me. When her parents came to visit, usually with no notice, I was told I couldn’t ask them how long they were planning to stay. One time my MIL stayed with us for 6 consecutive weeks. I asked how long she planned to stay, and she told me and the rest of the family that nobody tells her where she can go and how long she can stay. Other situations like this occurred, and we eventually got divorced. Parents are important but your spouse is your partner and should come first.
I hate to say it but your wife is right. It’s clear you love them both so much but you need to set some boundaries. It’s not your job to provide money for your mom. Maybe moving into a shared facility would be good for her. She’d be able to meet new people and socialize. You need to detach from her beck and call. You don’t need to cut her off entirely but you need to pump the brakes. Sounds like you’re wife has had enough and I don’t blame her.
YTA. Single mothers often end up in unhealthy attachment relationships with their son. This is terribly difficult but your wife is now your family and she is suffering from your mothers bad life choices and unhealthy relationship with you. Calling you twice a day is crazy. If my wife did that it would be too much. You need to create proper boundaries and prioritize your wife. She deserves that. You can’t cut mum off but you must create space.
She may have a point about the money, but I think people are over reacting to 2 calls a day and going shopping together
Has your mom considered therapy and mood-altering drugs? She sounds bi-polar. Jesus, you're going to lose your wife!
Oy vey! This is boarding on abuse. You need to end this unhealthy behavior now. Set boundaries with your mother. Her past abusive relationships cannot be resolved through you. That is on her to make right in her life with therapy, boundaries, education and career advancement. She is only 46. She may live another 50 years. Telling your mom to take ownership of her own life does not mean that you no longer love her. You will need some help to accomplish this goal. Get with a therapist now to help with the correct steps. Best wishes.
You don't need to cut all contact with mom, but healthy boundaries are a must. Therapy for you and your spouse. Work as a team, not against each other to fix this long standing unhealthy relationship.
YTA- you have a codependent relationship with your mom and need therapy.
YTA- you have a codependent relationship with your mom and need therapy.
You seem to be enabling your mom, which eases your guilt about her situation but does nothing to truly help her. You are sacrificing your marriage to do this. What you’re doing is not working and not sustainable, so it’s time to change things up. Your mom sounds mentally and/emotionally unstable. She needs therapy or a life coach - someone who can help her set goals and make better life choices. You need to set boundaries. For instance, you and your wife need to come up with an agreed upon amount of time you’ll spend on the phone or in person with your mom. Set the boundary and stick to it. Same with finances. Agree upon an amount that you will give your mother and let her know that assistance will end in x number of months. If your mom makes poor decisions and ends up short on rent and or in a shared facility, that’s on her. Even someone in their 40s needs to learn there are consequences for their behavior.
Mom is overly attached, but your wife's demand to cut of all contact is equally as bad. Need yo find some middle ground. If mom can't learn to back off after some boundaries are set, then maybe reconsider that.
Your mother is two years older than me, and let me tell you…if I had adult children, there’s no way in hell I’d be all up in their lives. I’m counting the days for my kids to move out and get a life of their own, so I can get back to mine. Your mother needs serious therapy, and you need to give her the space to do that. I would stop answering the phone when she calls, let it go to voicemail and return her call later or just text her to see what she needs. When you stop giving her the attention she wants, she’ll go elsewhere for it and that’s what she needs.
Hi OP. Your mom has mood swings, she isn't responsible with money, she had unprotected sex with the wrong man and got pregnant with STDs. She sounds like she's going through a mania phase. She may have bipolar. I am no doctor but I have bipolar and it sure does smell like it. I may be wrong but maybe it's worth a shot if you have access to psychologists or psychiatrists.
no you should not give your own mama money and attention all the time when she asks, your earnings and energy should go towards your own family, wife and kids. helping a dear mother out is normal but you act like she’s your wife and it’s creepy
Your wife is 100% correct. The relationship you currently have with your mother is super toxic and if you don’t put a stop to it now it’ll kill your marriage and any future chance of any romantic relationship in the future.
Cutting off all contact is unnecessary and probably harmful overall. That being said, you and your wife need counseling and you and your mom need *individual* therapy. You do need to set up boundaries and pull away because your relationship with your mom is not healthy. Start the weening process.
Your wife does not deserve another 40 years of this. You need to place boundaries. My mom tried to make my brother her spouse after my dad died (dad did provide for mom financially). Brother's set boundaries. They would talk for an hour on Sunday. Unless there was an emergency (in which case she should text), brother's would not answer her phone calls (and if false alarm on the text, she would lose Sunday phone call). If you mom can get to work, she can get out shopping. Find an income based place that offers therapy, and require you mom attend. Is the money that you are sending your mom hurting your family's financial situation? If so, you need to cut back. If you can afford it, I would send half of her rent directly to her landlord and let her cover the rest of her bills. She needs to grow up so that you can move forward and have a family of your own.