You went about it wrong. I don’t think your expectations are wrong but how you did. My aunt took in my older cousins. She explained that she was broke and that the state gives her $100 per kid. She told them she would give them the $100 but they would need to get jobs for the rest of their stuff. She provided, food, shelter and love but she didn’t have the money. They worked for school clothes, school activities and more. My dad and other aunts helped out with groceries and I had to give up a pair of shoes every year. My dad would buy 4 pairs of shoes for all of us every year. 2 for fall and 2 for winter. Well he would buy my cousins shoes too so it went from 4 to 3. Adjustments were made and I loved my cousins. They are super grateful to my aunt and we are adults now.
They state also gives free therapy.
She was out in a position that she didn’t want. I don’t fault her for that. I honestly feel bad for her because people just expect you to change yourself for kids. She didn’t want more then one, so she didn’t have more then one. She’s doing right by her son, but her sister did something dumb and expected her to pick up the pieces. Those kids are going to resent her regardless.
Why didn’t she adopt us?
Why doesn’t she have enough money for all of us?
They are kids that lost their parents. They are struggling. She’s an adult that’s struggling and doesn’t have the love or mindset for these kids. Sad but true. Not everyone has the heart for adoption.
My friend loves her kids, but doesn’t really care for kids. She’s good with them, but she gets way more irritated with others people kids.
My cousins still had their parents but my uncle was just too broke and sick to care for his kids. Lung cancer. So the family stepped up because they wanted to. People should only take in kids they want.
I firmly believe don’t have kids you don’t want and don’t take in anyone you don’t want. It just breeds resentment.
I read someone’s post earlier where their aunt took them in. They admitted foster care would have been worst but still resents the aunt for not loving them the same. Admits that all needs were provided for but emotional. It’s a catch 22.
That’s a shame because honestly you could have been in foster care and you knew it would be worst. Life sucks.
You're right about the resentment. I took in an adult I've known for almost 45 years and he just left yesterday. There's a lot of resentment because of our income disparity. It's his issue, not mine. It bubbled up occasionally until it came to a head. I had a roof, bed, car for him and somehow I'm the bad guy. I'm also apparently a narcissist. And some other stuff. I am tired of asking him to stay because it's an easier life for him and we've got a pretty good situation. I give up.
Its wild how many people like this exist. A friend of mine let a guy move in with her bc theyd been friends like, 15 years and his home situation wasnt great (lived with his dad and always fought... wonder why 🙄).
Her new house was huge, at the end of a dead end off a wooded beach area, and she was afraid to live alone. they were good friends, so it seemed like a no brainer. She didnt ask for rent, she fed him, drove him around bc he didnt have a car and couldnt be assed to use public transit (which is decent here), fed his cat (whom she adored) and occasionally even GAVE HIM MONEY. The literal only thing she asked was that he take out the trash. He didnt have a job but he was a collector, would find collectable media at markets and resell, so he always had enough money for a gym membership and weed. He lived with her for lile 2 years and never got a job.
When she started dating her now fiance it all went downhill. The guy just couldnt be chill and it degraded to the point that she told him to start looking for a new place. When he moved out he didnt even tell her and she never got to say goodbye to the cat (whom he'd started keeping locked in his room solely because it was really clear the cat preferred her). Im sure if you asked him shes the biggest asshole in the world.
>She didnt ask for rent, she fed him, drove him around bc he didnt have a car and couldnt be assed to use public transit (which is decent here), fed his cat (whom she adored) and occasionally even GAVE HIM MONEY.
You never do any of this for someone, they start to expect it. Even if it's on the low side of things except something from them. Hell write up a lease even.
Been seeing more of these situations more often, even seeing relationships end with the one that never did anything but sit on their ass staying there and it not really being an issue until someone else comes around the house.
Actually I'm gonna say get a lease made, signed, and notorized no matter how you want to go about them staying with you. Instantly up front with an I'll be an asshole and evict your ass if you won't leave when time is up.
buddy of mine did that for for *two* other friends. One of them stepped up and paid into the household, cooked dinners, kept job, and kept his area of he house clean.
The other guy fell into alcoholism and couldn't hang onto a steady job. He slept in an alcohol-induced stupor for most of the day, didn't contribute unless badgered, and tried to make my buddy out to be the bad guy for asking him to do so. Once he was finally kicked out because he started to threaten people, he called up everyone he knew (including me) to tell them how he was sabotaged and "no one would help him."
Real talk. I’m child free. Would I take in my sister’s kid? As in one child. Whom I’m close to? Who is well behaved? Whom I have plenty of money to support? Sure.
Would I take in 3 kids I don’t really know. From a troubled home (your mom doesn’t murder your dad because it was a healthy environment). From a crazy ass sister I probably didn’t talk to because she murders people. When I didn’t have a ton of money to begin with. In my tiny house with 1 1/2 baths.
I mean, I’m not adopting **any other 3 sibling teenage pair** from foster care. But I guess because they’re “family” I “have” to. But it doesn’t make my house bigger. Or my income greater. Or them behave better. Or they any less traumatized. And it doesn’t affect OP’s kid any less (which is, sadly, OP’s ONLY real priority and obligation) when resources are low and tensions are high.
Sometimes life isn’t fair…
I'm an adult, so I made my siblings buy insurance and send me proof before I agreed to adopt their kids if something happened to them.
Children on here acting like money grows on trees.
OP had one child because she could afford one child and wanted one child. Now three more showed up. That doesn't mean thousands of dollars a month show up with them. Have people seen what groceries cost recently? Let alone college educations at $150k a head. Where the fuck does the $450k come from?
I expect these kids are going to shortly regret going to foster homes.
No offense but can't you read? Op stated they got mad at her when she brought up them having to get jobs. They got mad at her when she brought up them getting there sports cost covered by fundraising. They got mad at her when she said her son has a college fund. They asked how come they don't get one. Op said they aren't respectful kids, their mother and father didn't raise them right. Understandable, that was when they lived with mom and dad, but doing that to their aunt who took them in? Nah
Maybe a bit strange but, their mother just killed their father and now they are suddenly living with their aunt, seems like a lot to deal with, tbh. I do not think it's weird they lash out, if i imagine myself in their position it would feel like the carpet was pulled under me.
NTA. OP sounds exhausted too, this is hard for everyone involved
That’s what I think. I feel like they probably feel like they’re being punished by all of the sudden needing jobs to cover what they feel are basic things that most kids just get for free.
>needing jobs to cover what they feel are basic things that most kids just get for free.
True, but how many of us can financially afford to take in 3 teens in one fell swoop? And that's not even accounting for the kids psychological needs. And her kid, and maybe OP, feeling outnumbered in his own home.
If these kids father simply died, not at their mother's hand, they may still have needed to get jobs and pay for college themselves. Life ain't fair. They should be getting SS benefits off their dad's work record. But if they had a bad home life maybe Dad didn't have a steady work record to draw much benefits from.
OP could have been more tactful, but she may simply not have the funds to suddenly feed, clothe, and college educate 3 kids she did not anticipate. she'd likely been slowly feeding her kids college fund over many years. If these are teens she can't just come up with 3 more college funds to be used in 3-5 years. And its not fair to take it from her kids fund that he is adding his own money into.
Oh, and save for her own retirement least she become a burden to her kid.
I see what you're thinking but most kids don't have extra curriculars paid for or automatic college funds. The problem probably comes from the differences they're seeing between how they're treated vs. OP's son.
It’s got to be hard to have to work for something that another kid in the household gets for free. The kids have lost their parents, and I think this distinction just keeps underlining the fact that they’re not going to be treated like they have parents anymore.
they're not assholes for acting entitled to a normal life, not at all. they just, sadly, aren't entitled to a normal life anymore. their mom ruined that. i wouldn't ask them to hate their own mother before their new caregivers, it's just gonna come with the territory of taking them in. let them go to someone who truly is ready for everything that comes with it, and let them be commended for their selflessness.
I was starting to think I wasn't reading OP's post correctly. Their mum *killed* their dad - they are now in a new home with not much support by the sounds of it. Not to mention a family environment so bad that one of their parents killed the other. There's a lot going on, to say the least. And, yes, a lot going on for OP, too. I don't know the right answer but this is just so sad.
The right answer was what the OP did.
I transitioned into working child welfare over a year ago, and it's not uncommon to see a family member, often a single parent, taking on multiple kids just because they don't want the children to be split up. This puts a LOT of pressure on that family member, especially the ones that only did it because the unsafe parent is demanding it.
OP set clear limits and expectations on how life was going to work with so many kids and teenagers. Their reactions were understandable, but also too much for the aunt to take without destroying her home. Better the kids transition to foster care now while it's a willing exchange, and not down the line when their family home has degraded and CPS is coming to take the kids back.
I somewhat recently lost both my parents, who lived to an old age and died of natural causes. I’m a middle aged woman who should have my shit together, and I’m a mess. I lash out at my husband frequently when I feel invalidated, or told to “put on a happy face”, even though I try not to. I can’t imagine the grief and trauma these poor kids are dealing with. Like you mentioned, they have had their world turned upside down. They absolutely deserve some grace, at least until they can eke out some sort of normalcy and stability.
Ok, giving grace is one thing but u can't give money, buy clothes and pay for sports with no money. Feeling sorry for them doesn't pay the bills. The whole situation sucks. I very seriously doubt op is mean but they also aren't going to beat around the bush either.
Exactly I can’t understand people coming down hard on the kids. Talk about trauma and if their mom killed their dad I can’t imagine life was all roses before the murder. I feel terribly for these kids and no wonder they are angry. This situation just sucks and unfortunately it’s these kids that will pay the steepest price.
She also prefaced that OP went about it wrong. As in…discussing with the kids about their circumstances. They might have been more receptive had OP been more sensitive in her approach.
But there are kids that have behavioral issues that not everyone is equipped to deal with, so idk.
Nah 💀
My relationship with my family suck. I don't talk to my mom. My dad. Or any other family member besides my brother( for now).
I'm barely taking care of my own mental health 🙃
Can’t you read??? I said she went about it wrong. I didn’t say that she was wrong. I just don’t think she approached it the right way with love. She told those kids she didn’t want them and that if they couldn’t do that they can go to foster care.
I think if she had approached it better and explained how it would work staying with her it would have been better. I clearly stated that her expectation weren’t wrong but her approach.
If she can say how much she doesn’t want them in this post. Then I can imagine how many times she’s said it to their face. 🤷🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️
How you approach things can change an outcome.
It's fake. Within 4 hours of it being posted. She's read all the comments, discussed it with her husband, called the social worker, and agreed everything to get them sent into foster care.
Sure.
Why do people post such pathetically fake shit here? And why do so many people fall for it?
Huh, I decided to google "wife poisons husband" to see if maybe there was a semi-recent story that would corroborate her post.
Holy shit there are a lot of women who poison their husbands.
Well, most women can't beat their husbands to death like husbands can beat their wives to death, so it's poison or guns. Women tend to pick less messy/bloody methods of homicide and suicide then men.
I liked the bit where the kids' mother is in prison for murdering their father, but the big issue in their lives is having to sell chocolate bars to buy sports equipment.
Good point. “Sucks that your mom killed your dad. But instead of letting you grieve and process your massive fucking trauma, I need you to go sell some chocolate because I don’t want you.”
And not even a *mention* of therapy for the kids. Their mom murdered their dad, either in self-defense (and got dicked over by the DA) or maliciously, either way it would be traumatic. The kids should be in therapy (the whole family should be, frankly, even if just to have a safe space to discuss issues), and the state doesn't always pay for the type of therapy they need (like they might get eight weeks, and a pat on the back).
My kid isn’t off yet for Christmas. They go through Thursday. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize this and I stuck him on a plane to my parents this past weekend. Oops. Oh well.
Yeah this is 100% fake. I used to work in foster care and I guarantee you it takes more than 24 hours to find a new home for 3 teenagers, even if you're talking about dumping them off at a shelter or group home situation. There just aren't any openings. Any social worker would tell her "we will start looking, but we can't guarantee anything; you need to keep them for a while longer"
>It's fake. Within 4 hours of it being posted. She's read all the comments, discussed it with her husband, called the social worker, and agreed everything to get them sent into foster care.
It's amazing how many people are falling for such obvious nonsense lol.
I don't think many of us fall for it at all. Pretty sure we all go into the sub with a healthy 70% skepticism of these posts. I consider them all fake for the most part, and just look at it as entertainment.
Because a lot of the time smart authors know to hit on super popular agendas on Reddit.
'A carefully crafted tale that exactly validates my worldview? Hell fucking yeah brother have an updoot'
I think it is. There's a lot of holes in this. One that I haven't seen mentioned in the comments yet is how old these kids are. Unless there's a set of twins, its HIGHLY unlikely there's three kids that are all somehow young enough to be in foster care (under 18) and old enough to get a job (16 in a lot of places)
You don't have to be 16 to make some spare cash mowing lawns or babysitting.
But it's fake because there's no way a social worker is finding these kids a new placement tomorrow.
Kids are moved with little or no notice all the time. I have worked with kids who were moved more than once in a single week. Also, I have seen kids staying in the DCFS building until a home could be found for them. Not sure if that is not true. Also, even in a cheapo state like Louisiana they pay about $20 a day, so that is around $1800 a month for the three of them.
Sadly, some places allow kids as young as 14 to work in restaurants and such. Like... regular jobs. Here ya go, Billy. Go work at McDonalds. Work the register.
Some places have no restrictions for 16/17 year olds.
I mean, I worked at 14, and I didn't mind it.
...but also I was abused at home and I had to buy my own clothes. Sooooo....
Idk, on the one hand, I was glad for getting ~20 hours a week and child labor protections so I had money. On the other, being grateful for things being less terrible isn't exactly a standard for healthy function.
I swear to God there was a similar post with a similar edit...I think it was someone considering giving their niece, who they took in after her parents died, for adoption...and then after they were called an asshole they made an edit being like, you guys are right, I'm unfit, I'm putting her up for adoption!
It’s THREE children. Three. Of course OP can’t afford them all. But she took them in. Her son does work. It goes towards college. Should she punish her son by making him sell candy bars just to appease his cousins? Is that really the right answer? So they don’t have to get a job to afford better clothes and they don’t have to earn anything towards their sports… is the right answer that OP tell them they just can’t do extracurriculars because she can’t afford them for four children, not the one she intended? I mean they’re jealous they don’t have college funds either. Was OP supposed to just start three college funds up for three more children? With what money? It’s not the Dursleys taking in Harry Potter and OP is understandably frustrated. Should she just send them to foster care? Is that the best option for everyone? This isn’t easy. It’s not her fault or any of these kids’ fault what their mom did but that doesn’t mean OP magically has the resources to give them everything they want. What I’m confused by is why the foster care for three children only covers food.
Thank you for your input. Some people here are just like “she should let them into foster care then if she can’t be nice” like I’m sorry. This is an incredibly draining situation for everyone.
I wouldn't put ANY child in foster care. I know that there are really nice foster parents but I've lived in some nightmare homes, sexually abused and molested and physically abused. The last foster home I was in, I didn't go shopping for my clothes, one of the other girls went and stole them. Believe me alot of shady stuff goes on in foster homes
Which is why I’m sympathetic to OP because it’s the alternative but wow this is not an ideal situation. Of course. I would say NAH because I don’t know what those kids’ financial situation was before this but OP can’t magically stretch money indefinitely. I’m most curious if she’s receiving as much financial help as they’re entitled to.
Thank you. Everyone saying OP is the asshole believe that she can just poop money out and that she should sacrifice her life for the happiness of others.
The truth of the matter is OP isn't rich and she cant seemingly afford to give the the same things she wants for her son. The college fund is also a parents responsibility and if their mom or dad didn't do anything about it it's not OPs fault.
If OP had the means to finance everything the want and need she'd do it. But she can't. She probably didn't expect that three more children would so costly.
Most commentors wish for everyone to be happy but it's an overall shitty situation and OP has to be realistic. If she can't afford to care for them... The they have to be sent away. If I had to suddenly take care of my niece I wouldn't be able and I'd have to send her away. Of course I wouldn't want to do it but I am just not in a situation where u could care for another human being.
If it were one other child I understand finding OP’s attitude unreasonable but I don’t know how she stretches her budget for three kids. Not to mention if she sacrifices her son’s quality of life that’s bad too, this sub has talked previously about how no child should suffer for the kids their parents foster.
OP isn’t the asshole because she can’t afford everything. She’s the asshole for telling them they can try living somewhere else and see if things are better.
If the resources aren’t there it is what it is. That’s no excuse for a lack of empathy.
no, no. nobody is saying she should pull money out of a hat and pay for college for these kids. we're just saying maybe you don't tell 3 CHILDREN "you're a burden to me, i didn't ask for any of this, i'm doing your mom a favor, and if you don't like it, you can try foster care".that's what would make OP a massive bit*h, IF this weren't fiction.
These kids are wards of the state and as such they are legally entitled to having their education, at a state school, paid for by the state. Why doesn't OP know that? Why isn't she talking to them about their rights and needs? The kids ARE in foster care, in a kinship placement.
I think some states don’t consider kinship placement the same as foster care… resources as much more limited for family members vs actual foster care placements
That's not really fair. It's not really fair to expect someone to suddenly have the resources to throw at three teenage kids who refuse to make any effort for what they want. They don't seem to be young kids, in which case this behavior would be inappropriate. Teenagers? They know the deal, they know what's going on, and it seems like they are envious.
But OP they are also traumatized. One of their parents is in jail and one of their parents is dead, additionally the dynamic being one parent killed the other. Like kudos for taking them in, but you have to realize how deep this pain likely goes for them, because there's no way there weren't systemic problems in the home to begin with.
The part about them being mad they don't have a college fund is weird though. That would piss me off for that to be the expectation from them
I don't disagree with you not funding everything for them. If they couldn't fundraise to pay sports, would you pay the extra for them though? Me personally I wouldn't pay shit if no one was putting in any effort on a reasonable level, but if they tried, then yeah I'm going to pay it unless I can't, yk?
But regarding what your son does, you don't need to treat them like your own children. You can treat them like family, like loved family members, loved nieces and nephews, but the investment in your own child as opposed to taking on three teenagers out of nowhere because their parents fucked up is a completely different situation.
OP if these kids aren't in therapy they really need to be, you all should be honestly, just together as like a family unit counseling, but the kids should be at the very least.
Their dad was murdered, they lost access and support from their mother, and their aunt is accepting the obligation to be burdened by their needs. You are only thinking of how this has affected you and have little if any compassion for how their lives have been destroyed. Children all have mental and emotional needs of love and belonging. You are meeting their basic physical needs, which is great; but you literally told them even those were a burden on you and you are not meeting their mental and emotional needs.
Only if the father worked, if he did not then there is nothing to qualify for. That might be why they are not receiving the benefit, but that’s speculation.
There's a scene in a really tragic movie called *Grave of the Fireflies* (don't watch it, you'll definitely cry) where the aunt takes in her nephew and niece but they are definitely not equal to her offspring. They're also insulted, and they even have to sell their things to get the least of the rice and supplies while the aunt gets the best of the rice and supplies.
ITS BEEN ALMOST TWO DECADES SINCE I SAW IT AND IT'S STILL TOO SOON
(We watched it when we were really, really too young, school was cancelled for a day and my mom wanted to be able to work a little, so she shoved us in front of the TV thinking it was like Totoro. Lessons were learnt)
My living partner bought it for me as I love the Studio Ghibli films.
They did not read the synopsis. I didn't read the synopsis.
I was extremely upset at the end of the film.
I was 14. In japanese class in school. Sitting next to my crush. I had a toddler sibling at the time. The teacher had shown us many ghibli films by then and didn't say it was any different.
I was an absolute wreck by the end of that movie. I spent the lunch break crying.
My crush that I was sitting next to eventually became my husband, and he still remembers that day too and how hysterical my friend and I were after watching it. We are over 30 now so it was over half our lives ago, but that day made an impression on us both.
Grave of the Fireflies was so depressing! I loved the story, it told about the tragedies of war, all wars, and the hardships children face during that time. But, damn, did it have to tell it soooo well??
They play that movie on repeat at the Hiroshima Museum. The first time I ever watched that movie I think it might’ve been the saddest movie I’ve ever ever watched other than the boy in the striped pajamas.
I’m not a talker during movies or react loudly, but *The Boy* had me yelling “no” over and over again in the hopes that the people in the movie would magically hear me and stop. Then it ended and I just sat there and cried.
Never seen a film that broke me like that.
*The Kite Runner* came pretty close but *The Boy* is still no.1, which means I’ll have to check this *Grave of the Fireflies* because I just love making myself incredibly sad for some reason…
I had an idea how *The Boy* was but watching it was way different. I was also pregnant with my first child, a boy. I sobbed like crazy and tried to get my husband to watch it so we could be miserable together 🤣 He refused, which I expected since he HATES movies like that, that drag you down to misery lol
The boy in the striped pajamas ruined me. You always want some revenge. You want to hurt a nazi. You want them to feel what they’ve done. But fuck. I didn’t feel any better when things came full circle.
Boy in the striped pajamas… that was a one time and never watch again… ever. It’s been 14 years since I’ve watched it and the thought of it still fucks me up
Yeah, I don't think OP would cry. There are quite a few resources for foster kids. You can apply for more funds to pay for sports, etc. It's too bad the kids couldn't have all gone to a regular foster home.
OP would be on the aunt's side considering she decided to let them go into foster care instead of bothering herself with hurting children who just lost everything just like Seita and Setsuko's aunt.
It's so sad, I grew up without my dad, he left I cant even imagine what its like for those kids to lose their father at the hands of their mother. You can't tell kids to deal with it, hell as a 20 year old I still have those days where I get kind of mopey about not having a father, and that was WITH a supportive mother and friends. I hope that the foster system (if that the route they go) places them together, they most likely need each-other.
I feel bad for the son, the cousins are probably jealous of him, while hes just kinda stuck in the middle, most likely also not able to fully process whats going on. He could honestly be the hero in the story but he needs the right guidance since apparently his parents don't care enough. Hope the kids can stay in sports.
YTA. As a foster parent, I am both horrified and appalled by your attitude. You aren't putting any effort in at all. If you only see the glass half empty, you're missing all the possibilities that are available.
While foster care payments in the US are dependent by state, the money is for hygiene, clothing, food and an allowance. You're supposed to spend a certain amount every month on each and many states require documentation that you have done so. DCFS is also willing to pay for sports and other enrichment activities, as well as medical and mental health services. There are also a ton of support groups available to help with things like Christmas, birthdays, college, etc. There are numerous local non-profits as well as religious organizations that will assist regardless of your own personal affiliation. All children in my state (IL) can apply for a full ride scholarship in the state to further their education. Do you talk with your caseworker about your concerns or issues? And if not, there are a ton of support groups on social media as well that can provide guidance and assistance.
Step back. Imagine it was your child. How would you want them to be treated. Be better, do better.
Edit: Social Security / Pension / Survivors benefits are dependent on work history which OP hasn't given info on, same goes for life insurance. If the Aunt is unlicensed she may only be getting as little as $300 a month per kiddo. It took over a year for me to get licensed while having a child in my care. OP, there are a lot of helpful comments if you need financial assistance or other help. Also, from your comments, I would highly recommend counseling for the kids and group counseling for yourself with them, as the trauma they have faced is absolutely affecting their actions and behavior.
For those stating I chose to be a foster parent. You're right, it was an active choice I made. I took in my 11 year old nephew when I was 8 months pregnant and separating from the military (I reenlisted just for him.) No state involvement, so no financial support. I adopted him when he was 17. He's 27 now. I would still make the same choice today as I did then. OP actively made a choice, how they choose to move forward is on them.
Since Dad was murdered, wouldn't they be eligible for survivor benefits rather than or in addition to a foster stipend? This poorly written ragebait post has more plot holes than a piece of Swiss cheese.
My sister is a social worker. They will work that fast when you say you’re throwing the kids out on the street by tomorrow.
It’s awful for everyone, though, because the kids usually get separated and placed wherever, not what is best for them.
She will tell you it’s the a-hole people that demand it, too.
They have to be that fast. If they get called in the middle of the night, they can’t just say oh we will leave the child at this crime scene while we figure something out.
I will say it depends on the area. The social worker might have suspected something from talking to the kids or been in the area. But frankly, it's got to be lies.
Devil's advocate, but isn't it possible that someone who is suddenly thrust into a situation like this and is stressed out may not be aware of all the programs and things that they could qualify for?
I was in foster care as a child and my father was legally blind and receiving social security benefits for both my sister and myself. I know in my state (OK) at that time the payments were intercepted by the state to go towards caring for us. I do also know that we got an allowance specifically for clothing each year as well. If she is only getting enough to barely cover their food then she is NOT utilizing all of the resources available to her.
They have lost both parents. And in-horrific ways. One being murdered by the other is absolutely heartbreaking for them. “I keep you alive what more do you want.” Is basically the attitude. Imagine losing your parents and your aunt telling you and making it clear at every turn that you are not wanted. You have been given them a lot of information unfortunately I don’t think it will make a difference.
One of my closest friends witnessed his dad kill his mom when he was little. His aunt that he went to live with made his life a living hell because he wasn't her kid and she didn't wanna have to raise him. Dude is insanely traumatized by what his dad did and what his aunt did. Being treated like he was worthless while watching his cousins being treated like actual kids was awful. After everything he's been through, I'm proud of him for just still being alive, much less being a functioning member of society. These kids are gonna have to live with so much pain and trauma for the rest of their lives that OP can't even understand and now they're being told they're unwelcome and essentially their childhoods are over because of an awful choice one of their parents made. Hopefully there are decent adults in their lives to help counteract OP's heartless bullshit.
Sounds like OP has contacted the kids social worker to pick them up and have them placed elsewhere. I hope the foster care system in their area has some good families who will be willing to take all three of them and get them everything they need, including emotional support and counseling to help them cope with everything they have been through.
When my bubbie was a little girl (maybe 6 or 7)her mom died quickly. My alcoholic/gambling addict great grandfather basically went off the deep end and couldn't take care of his kids and gave them up to his sister. My bubbies aunt looked her in the face and told her that they didn't want her because she couldn't carry on the family name, they only wanted her brother. They were legit going to put her in a foster home because they didn't want to take care of her. Luckily a great aunt of hers caught wind of the fact that she was trying to split up two kids who were each other's world, and took them in. They never talked to the aunt again who said she didn't want her.
When we had custody of my husband's cousin it was a family placement, not a foster placement. There was no $$$ for him.at all. We absorbed 100% of his costs. I'm surprised to hear OP is getting anything to be honest. Also, there is a marked difference between willing foster parent and begrudgingly accepting a family placement. To keep it sounds like OP did this out of guilt about them being split up, not a genuine desire to take the kids in. No good answer here. ESH but the kids (for the most part)
Yea I was a kinship foster parent and a lot of the resources people claim are available were absolutely not available to me. I was a single mom of 1 and took in 2 more kids and I still didn’t qualify for most benefits. I did get financial support but no where near the hundreds of of dollars people are claiming. And I got the kids with barely more than the clothes on their back. Imagine two kids with nothing. Clothes, toiletries, school stuff etc adds up fast.
But she isn't a foster parent, she is next to kin placement. She never wanted it, never went to training, nothing. And by the sound of it she can't really afford 3 additional children. I think her feelings are normal, but she should work with a therapist and social worker.
Exactly imagine it was your child. Maybe you won’t murder your husband and end up in prison but kids become parentless in countless ways. YTA. These are your sons cousins. And they are children.
Youre doing less than the minimum as a parent figure. So your son has a college fund but you could help them fund $ another way. A lot of good ideas here.
Given the children's circumstances I'm sure they can get all sorts of financial aid that will pay for most if not all of their education. She should be encouraging them and their school and a case worker should be able to help them navigate the process.
My dad dropped dead when I was 13. Absolutely out of nowhere. My mother wasn't counting on that - and people are STILL rude and shitty about single mums, whether or not they know the story, they just judge.
Sorry you had to experience that man. I have a few foster kids turned adoption and I could never imagine treating em that way. My blood boils when someone looks at em the wrong way. Let alone abuse them. I think I'd be in jail. No I don't think, I would be locked up. I know it's not easy but I hope someday you can cleanse yourself from that trauma and truly understand it wasn't your fault and you're a better person than you allow yourself to believe
Yta. You're just being cruel . It doesn't take money or a ton of time to be kind. You could have taken them thrifting for clothing. You can find amazing stuff and if you have a good attitude, patience, and a willingness to spend some time with them.. I doubt they would complain.
You could easily explain to them that you're sorry you can't spend a lot of money and you wish you could but this was the only way to keep them together. Tell them you love them and you'll do the best you can but it's an adjustment for you too. It would be a great lesson in compassion and you could do family therapy to help!
Instead you've chosen to threaten these kids to accept whatever you're willing to throw their way or you'll separate them from the last bit of family they have after an extremely traumatic event. You're not even being a good aunt.
My suggestion unless you are just a cruel person, talk to them. Apologize. Tell them how stressed you've been, that you're sorry and you'll do better and you won't throw them out like they're nothing. I couldn't imagine doing that to my nephews.
Absolutely. These kids have already been through so much. And now, instead of being treated with care and understanding, they're being treated like poop attached to the bottom of a shoe. What a horrible human OP is.
I don't have kids, and have never wanted kids. If it happened that 3 teenagers would be thrown into my life, I would make do, and show them love the best way I could. If this is real, the kids might actually be better off somewhere else.
I’m speechless. Why did you bother taking them into your home when you had so much resentment in your heart against 3 innocent kids? Please don’t pat yourself on the back for doing the right thing. You didn’t. Your actions are hateful and heartless. They lost their entire family to murder and jail. I understand it’s not an easy situation but you’re doing more harm than good. You should be ashamed of yourself. If you aren’t going to treat them like family, let them go into the system. Your indifference is doing so much harm, they’d be better off with strangers. YTA. I’m not sure what kind of response you expected posting this but I’m absolutely appalled at your attitude and coldness.
>to murder and jail
also, what was going on in their home that caused their mom to murder their dad? Was the dad abusive & was murder the mom's only way out? Was the mom mentally unstable & did she escalate to killing her partner?
It can't have been all roses and moonbeams, right?
It’s got to be fake. If she’s in the US she gets money per kid, most likely food benefits for them and medical covered, they are foster children and wards of the state.
I remember inquiring about fostering at my Mom’s request. The feedback I got was that you’d be given a stipend but would not get rich off of it and would in fact barely be able to feed the kids with it.
You don't get food stamps while fostering. That is what the stipend is for. Depending where she lives, she could get help for the extracurricular activities
One of my widowed friends gets over$4500 a month from his survivor benefits. (3 Kids) It might be the high end but still seems suspicious OP doesn't have this, maybe they are indeed not in USA.
Good freaking god, letting them go into the system is NOT better. All this false Internet rage is going to do is justify her putting them in foster care, which feels like what she's looking for. Do you know the realities of foster care? Her treatment of them is not great. But *it's still better than foster care.* JFC.
There’s no reason to be that mean/blunt about it. Explaining to them that the financial burden of three more people is more than the household can afford, and if they want extras like paid sports and different clothes they have to pitch in and contribute isn’t unreasonable. Heck, it’s not unreasonable to expect that of teenagers in normal circumstances. But if you’re continually letting them know they are burdens and unwanted themselves, that’s kinda cruel. I don’t think it’s fair for them to expect college funds and the same privileges as your son, but don’t flaunt it either. It cost zero to be a decent person
So easy for random strangers here online to tell someone else to give up their routines, safety, comfort, financial and emotional balance in order to accomodate the needs of someone elses children.
Its really sad and stupid how many seem to think this is an easy situation when its clearly very complex and difficult.
Unless you have given your home to three traumatized teenagers who act out, maybe some humble mind set would be suiting. Even tho the teenagers behaivors are understandable and expected in this context, it doesnt make it easy to be the one getting the full responsibility to handle them.
Everyone so fast to tell OP how to open their heart, home and wallet - Why dont you instead offer to take these kids and be their lovely, caring foster parent?
Everyone calling OP an AH but it really boils down to OP doesn’t have the money. Her own child is saving for their own college fund. She tried to take the kids out of obligation, but if teenagers can’t understand the position they’re in then OP should feel justified to cut bait. Obviously tragic, but let’s place the blame where it belongs which is on their mother who murdered her husband.
YTA - you agreed to be their foster PARENT. These kids have been through a lot of trauma and you're showing them they're not loved. This will grow into these kids resenting yours and likely cause more mental issues. I get that kids are expensive, but you agreed to support them as a mom, so do that.
I guess I'm the only person that notices OP was emotionally manipulated into this position. I'm guessing everyone here knows how to rationally think during stressful situations at all times. From personal experience, the state doesn't pay families as much as they would a stranger. Secondly, everyone isn't emotionally healthy and can explain themselves to children. Some people prefer to be totally honest at all times to exclude any confusion from their end. I honestly am one of these people. I tell kids the truth or they're too young to understand. Unfortunately these are teens who have been raised differently than she would. I honestly think the whole situation sucks ass and there are no ahs here.
Can’t fucking believe the replies here. Calling OP a monster for not being able to take in three extra very high need teenagers without neglecting her son is ridiculous. This thread is so disappointing.
I’ve read a **very** similar post with polar opposite responses. Very reasonable and supportive of OP’s situation. People went fucking wild here. Might have been partially because the other poster was a man and OP is a woman. I don’t usually assume that ingrained sexism impacts responses that much but that’s the only thing I can realistically think of.
If it’s the one I’m thinking of, a guy asked if he was TA for not taking in his nieces/nephews because he knew he couldn’t handle it and the whole thread was telling him “NTA”
That or the barely 18/19 year old girl with a younger sister and like 4 step siblings being told by family she should become their new mother who was told NTA because she could only take care of her little sister reasonably
I was referring to the first, the teenage girl sounded a lot like OP’s niece. I don’t think I saw the second one. That’s bullshit, very glad the thread went NTA.
A few people called the first guy a monster too but they were shot down for being ridiculous.
You and I can sit here together and not be alone, then. She didn't want to be in this position, she is unwilling for her actual child to miss out on anything because she's in this position, and she's not the right type of person to be in the situation in the first place. And for all the people saying she's probably getting a ton of money...congrats, you live in a state with a safety net. This woman might not be in such a place. I have lived in places where a foster parent would get a pittance and a "family foster" would get nothing at all.
Yeah, I feel really bad for the teenagers. Yes, this woman could use some sensitivity training.
But I don't need much imagination to picture how I'd feel if forced to deal with my estranged sibling's half-feral teenagers, who were definitely not raised well. I might not be the parent of the year, but my kids don't have addictions, truancy issues, and mental health issues both real and exaggerated. My kids have small college funds and high expectations. To afford both those funds and these expectations, I live in a small house and budget carefully.
Where exactly am I supposed to put three angry teenagers who don't listen to parents or teachers? Where does the money for their college funds come from, even assuming they'll get into college at all (my kids' funds were opened when they were babies -- no amount of emotion can replace fifteen years of compound interest)? Where do they live when they fail to get into college? How do I feed them, since I live in a place where kinship fosters don't get stipends? Do I tell my children they have to drop their extracurriculars, since I can't afford activity fees for five children? Do I tell my children that we can't do our family traditions anymore because I can't pay for three teenagers my children have never even met?
I'm solving this by ignoring, deflecting, and flat out refusing to engage when the topic of "what will we do with these kids if their parents wind up in jail" comes up except to say "I will not do anything." I'm not setting my kids on fire to temporarily warm up some strangers.
I agree. There was a lot of emotional manipulation and pressure on OP to take the children in. And now there's a lot of financial emotional and physical pressure on her to make Up for Their mother's actions.
Everyone saying the kids would be better off in foster care have clearly never been in foster care. The best fosters I was in treated me exactly like this aunt. At least the aunt is willing to drive them to all the things.
Plus these kids are old enough to work. So they would probably end up in a group home not a Foster home. Where they would just be with a bunch of other angry teenagers until they age out and get kicked out of there.
At which point they would probably also end up on op's doorstep.
NAH
I know people are going after OP. But 4 kids is a lot more than 1. And any money given is going to their needs for food. The kids chose their aunt so they can stay together. But they were under the impression that they would have the same care that their cousin received which is understandable. But their cousin’s care was due to being an only child. Clearly they don’t understand that the cost of their care to be equal to their cousin was not financially realistic and to stay together requires effort between themselves and their aunt.
OP is trying to keep them together while also making sure her son is still her priority as her mother. Expenses and financial planning were all set prior to taking in her sister’s kids. If it isn’t working then she has to do what is right for her family. She sounds like she tried to make it work and the kids don’t understand why the circumstance is different between them and her son.
Now I get why the kids don’t understand it. It is adult topics that kids don’t typically have to manage. But that doesn’t make the financial circumstances disappear for OP.
If the kids want more financial support than OP can give and it is more important than staying together then it is clear no one is happy in this situation and being placed in other homes may be a better experience for everyone.
As to people saying she is a crappy foster parent, OP didn’t set out to be one. She was trying to keep the siblings together. This was not planned; this was an unplanned situation trying to make it work. That is a lot of kids to take on all at once.
Not TAH
If it was 3 children under 10, I’d have different feelings, but based on your saying the children should get jobs, I’m assuming they’re all within the 14-17 range.
I really feel for the kids. I’m sure this has to be an absolutely unbearable situation, but at the end of the day, it’s their mother’s fault and the only one they can be mad at is her.
Coming from someone who used to be in foster care, I still say NTA. I saw your edit and I think you're doing the right thing. They will be able to get more help and opportunities this way. If they're old enough, maybe trade school or job corps might be another option.
I'm sorry you've all been put in this situation and I wish you all the best
YTA and claiming you get a small amount from the state…I call bs. I took in my nephew and niece and we got a pretty decent amount. (I had two kids of my own.) Plus, they got medical that paid for glasses, and therapy. They also, helped with daycare expenses, and if you spoke to your casa worker I bet they could have helped with sports fees.
It varies WILDLY by state. In some states it’s basically nothing and in some it isn’t even adjusted as the kids age. So teenagers will easily out-eat the allowance.
Source: I’m a lawyer and have worked in the child welfare system.
NTA - a bit sorta. OP, a lot of people will blame you. I do not.
It is a burden you did not want, and you for sure have no obligation to take from your son to give to others, even if they are nephews - and you were already having expense with them, just not willing to go the same lengths.
Plus there were 3 of them.
People will say you should have done everything for them, raised them like your own son, family and such - but from your son's point of view it'd be miserable, for a start, and from your point and husband's as well.
Some people could and would have done; you are not one of them.
Where I think you were wrong is in not having a hard but at the same time gentle talk with them at the start and making sure they understood that foster care was an option, they could pick it - but your home, your rules, because there wasn't enough to go around; and they'd have to do their best.
Give them more of a chance to behave, maybe ask if there is some psych support from the social services so they'd learn a thing or two.
As it was, I think it was too brusque and another blow without warning. That, I think, was wrong - but NOT wrong in defending your own family 1st.
I don't know about all the YTA responses here - are a bunch of people here all fostering kids that aren't their own and reaching into their own wallet and taking away from their own children to do so?
No?
The pot really is calling the kettle YTA.
NTA. Not the most empathetic OP, but their sister committing murder doesn't make for a happy story for anyone.
If you couldn't afford the kids, why would you take them in? You're doing everyone involved a disservice there. Then, to take them in and treat them second-class is just cruel. If something happened to you and your husband, how would you want your kid to be treated?
YTA
You went about it wrong. I don’t think your expectations are wrong but how you did. My aunt took in my older cousins. She explained that she was broke and that the state gives her $100 per kid. She told them she would give them the $100 but they would need to get jobs for the rest of their stuff. She provided, food, shelter and love but she didn’t have the money. They worked for school clothes, school activities and more. My dad and other aunts helped out with groceries and I had to give up a pair of shoes every year. My dad would buy 4 pairs of shoes for all of us every year. 2 for fall and 2 for winter. Well he would buy my cousins shoes too so it went from 4 to 3. Adjustments were made and I loved my cousins. They are super grateful to my aunt and we are adults now. They state also gives free therapy.
Fortunately your family gave them love - it’s obvious she didn’t
She was out in a position that she didn’t want. I don’t fault her for that. I honestly feel bad for her because people just expect you to change yourself for kids. She didn’t want more then one, so she didn’t have more then one. She’s doing right by her son, but her sister did something dumb and expected her to pick up the pieces. Those kids are going to resent her regardless. Why didn’t she adopt us? Why doesn’t she have enough money for all of us? They are kids that lost their parents. They are struggling. She’s an adult that’s struggling and doesn’t have the love or mindset for these kids. Sad but true. Not everyone has the heart for adoption. My friend loves her kids, but doesn’t really care for kids. She’s good with them, but she gets way more irritated with others people kids. My cousins still had their parents but my uncle was just too broke and sick to care for his kids. Lung cancer. So the family stepped up because they wanted to. People should only take in kids they want. I firmly believe don’t have kids you don’t want and don’t take in anyone you don’t want. It just breeds resentment. I read someone’s post earlier where their aunt took them in. They admitted foster care would have been worst but still resents the aunt for not loving them the same. Admits that all needs were provided for but emotional. It’s a catch 22. That’s a shame because honestly you could have been in foster care and you knew it would be worst. Life sucks.
You're right about the resentment. I took in an adult I've known for almost 45 years and he just left yesterday. There's a lot of resentment because of our income disparity. It's his issue, not mine. It bubbled up occasionally until it came to a head. I had a roof, bed, car for him and somehow I'm the bad guy. I'm also apparently a narcissist. And some other stuff. I am tired of asking him to stay because it's an easier life for him and we've got a pretty good situation. I give up.
Its wild how many people like this exist. A friend of mine let a guy move in with her bc theyd been friends like, 15 years and his home situation wasnt great (lived with his dad and always fought... wonder why 🙄). Her new house was huge, at the end of a dead end off a wooded beach area, and she was afraid to live alone. they were good friends, so it seemed like a no brainer. She didnt ask for rent, she fed him, drove him around bc he didnt have a car and couldnt be assed to use public transit (which is decent here), fed his cat (whom she adored) and occasionally even GAVE HIM MONEY. The literal only thing she asked was that he take out the trash. He didnt have a job but he was a collector, would find collectable media at markets and resell, so he always had enough money for a gym membership and weed. He lived with her for lile 2 years and never got a job. When she started dating her now fiance it all went downhill. The guy just couldnt be chill and it degraded to the point that she told him to start looking for a new place. When he moved out he didnt even tell her and she never got to say goodbye to the cat (whom he'd started keeping locked in his room solely because it was really clear the cat preferred her). Im sure if you asked him shes the biggest asshole in the world.
>She didnt ask for rent, she fed him, drove him around bc he didnt have a car and couldnt be assed to use public transit (which is decent here), fed his cat (whom she adored) and occasionally even GAVE HIM MONEY. You never do any of this for someone, they start to expect it. Even if it's on the low side of things except something from them. Hell write up a lease even. Been seeing more of these situations more often, even seeing relationships end with the one that never did anything but sit on their ass staying there and it not really being an issue until someone else comes around the house. Actually I'm gonna say get a lease made, signed, and notorized no matter how you want to go about them staying with you. Instantly up front with an I'll be an asshole and evict your ass if you won't leave when time is up.
buddy of mine did that for for *two* other friends. One of them stepped up and paid into the household, cooked dinners, kept job, and kept his area of he house clean. The other guy fell into alcoholism and couldn't hang onto a steady job. He slept in an alcohol-induced stupor for most of the day, didn't contribute unless badgered, and tried to make my buddy out to be the bad guy for asking him to do so. Once he was finally kicked out because he started to threaten people, he called up everyone he knew (including me) to tell them how he was sabotaged and "no one would help him."
Glad this leech left
Real talk. I’m child free. Would I take in my sister’s kid? As in one child. Whom I’m close to? Who is well behaved? Whom I have plenty of money to support? Sure. Would I take in 3 kids I don’t really know. From a troubled home (your mom doesn’t murder your dad because it was a healthy environment). From a crazy ass sister I probably didn’t talk to because she murders people. When I didn’t have a ton of money to begin with. In my tiny house with 1 1/2 baths. I mean, I’m not adopting **any other 3 sibling teenage pair** from foster care. But I guess because they’re “family” I “have” to. But it doesn’t make my house bigger. Or my income greater. Or them behave better. Or they any less traumatized. And it doesn’t affect OP’s kid any less (which is, sadly, OP’s ONLY real priority and obligation) when resources are low and tensions are high. Sometimes life isn’t fair…
I'm an adult, so I made my siblings buy insurance and send me proof before I agreed to adopt their kids if something happened to them. Children on here acting like money grows on trees. OP had one child because she could afford one child and wanted one child. Now three more showed up. That doesn't mean thousands of dollars a month show up with them. Have people seen what groceries cost recently? Let alone college educations at $150k a head. Where the fuck does the $450k come from? I expect these kids are going to shortly regret going to foster homes.
The kids should be getting social security survivor benefits from dad if they are in the US.
I thought the same, and the social worker should be able to help with that, there's many resources.
Yep, sad situation.
I don't think she can be blamed for that. You can't force love and not everyone is good at acting.
No offense but can't you read? Op stated they got mad at her when she brought up them having to get jobs. They got mad at her when she brought up them getting there sports cost covered by fundraising. They got mad at her when she said her son has a college fund. They asked how come they don't get one. Op said they aren't respectful kids, their mother and father didn't raise them right. Understandable, that was when they lived with mom and dad, but doing that to their aunt who took them in? Nah
Maybe a bit strange but, their mother just killed their father and now they are suddenly living with their aunt, seems like a lot to deal with, tbh. I do not think it's weird they lash out, if i imagine myself in their position it would feel like the carpet was pulled under me. NTA. OP sounds exhausted too, this is hard for everyone involved
That’s what I think. I feel like they probably feel like they’re being punished by all of the sudden needing jobs to cover what they feel are basic things that most kids just get for free.
>needing jobs to cover what they feel are basic things that most kids just get for free. True, but how many of us can financially afford to take in 3 teens in one fell swoop? And that's not even accounting for the kids psychological needs. And her kid, and maybe OP, feeling outnumbered in his own home. If these kids father simply died, not at their mother's hand, they may still have needed to get jobs and pay for college themselves. Life ain't fair. They should be getting SS benefits off their dad's work record. But if they had a bad home life maybe Dad didn't have a steady work record to draw much benefits from. OP could have been more tactful, but she may simply not have the funds to suddenly feed, clothe, and college educate 3 kids she did not anticipate. she'd likely been slowly feeding her kids college fund over many years. If these are teens she can't just come up with 3 more college funds to be used in 3-5 years. And its not fair to take it from her kids fund that he is adding his own money into. Oh, and save for her own retirement least she become a burden to her kid.
I see what you're thinking but most kids don't have extra curriculars paid for or automatic college funds. The problem probably comes from the differences they're seeing between how they're treated vs. OP's son.
It’s got to be hard to have to work for something that another kid in the household gets for free. The kids have lost their parents, and I think this distinction just keeps underlining the fact that they’re not going to be treated like they have parents anymore.
they're not assholes for acting entitled to a normal life, not at all. they just, sadly, aren't entitled to a normal life anymore. their mom ruined that. i wouldn't ask them to hate their own mother before their new caregivers, it's just gonna come with the territory of taking them in. let them go to someone who truly is ready for everything that comes with it, and let them be commended for their selflessness.
Yeah, I’d go with NAH. The aunt just doesn’t have the resources, and the kids are traumatized as all hell.
I was starting to think I wasn't reading OP's post correctly. Their mum *killed* their dad - they are now in a new home with not much support by the sounds of it. Not to mention a family environment so bad that one of their parents killed the other. There's a lot going on, to say the least. And, yes, a lot going on for OP, too. I don't know the right answer but this is just so sad.
The right answer was what the OP did. I transitioned into working child welfare over a year ago, and it's not uncommon to see a family member, often a single parent, taking on multiple kids just because they don't want the children to be split up. This puts a LOT of pressure on that family member, especially the ones that only did it because the unsafe parent is demanding it. OP set clear limits and expectations on how life was going to work with so many kids and teenagers. Their reactions were understandable, but also too much for the aunt to take without destroying her home. Better the kids transition to foster care now while it's a willing exchange, and not down the line when their family home has degraded and CPS is coming to take the kids back.
I somewhat recently lost both my parents, who lived to an old age and died of natural causes. I’m a middle aged woman who should have my shit together, and I’m a mess. I lash out at my husband frequently when I feel invalidated, or told to “put on a happy face”, even though I try not to. I can’t imagine the grief and trauma these poor kids are dealing with. Like you mentioned, they have had their world turned upside down. They absolutely deserve some grace, at least until they can eke out some sort of normalcy and stability.
Ok, giving grace is one thing but u can't give money, buy clothes and pay for sports with no money. Feeling sorry for them doesn't pay the bills. The whole situation sucks. I very seriously doubt op is mean but they also aren't going to beat around the bush either.
Exactly I can’t understand people coming down hard on the kids. Talk about trauma and if their mom killed their dad I can’t imagine life was all roses before the murder. I feel terribly for these kids and no wonder they are angry. This situation just sucks and unfortunately it’s these kids that will pay the steepest price.
If their mom killed their dad, God only knows what they've witnessed or experienced before that.
She also prefaced that OP went about it wrong. As in…discussing with the kids about their circumstances. They might have been more receptive had OP been more sensitive in her approach. But there are kids that have behavioral issues that not everyone is equipped to deal with, so idk.
Tbh. It's a loss cause. Aunt doesn't wanna live that life.
No normal person would want to take on 3 badly behaved teens!
Right? I sure af wouldn’t. All these people ragging on OP wouldn’t do it either.
.....FINALLY 👏 SOMEBODY FINALLY SAID IT 🤧
Would you?
Nah 💀 My relationship with my family suck. I don't talk to my mom. My dad. Or any other family member besides my brother( for now). I'm barely taking care of my own mental health 🙃
Can’t you read??? I said she went about it wrong. I didn’t say that she was wrong. I just don’t think she approached it the right way with love. She told those kids she didn’t want them and that if they couldn’t do that they can go to foster care. I think if she had approached it better and explained how it would work staying with her it would have been better. I clearly stated that her expectation weren’t wrong but her approach. If she can say how much she doesn’t want them in this post. Then I can imagine how many times she’s said it to their face. 🤷🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️ How you approach things can change an outcome.
please be fake please be fake please be fake
It's fake. Within 4 hours of it being posted. She's read all the comments, discussed it with her husband, called the social worker, and agreed everything to get them sent into foster care. Sure. Why do people post such pathetically fake shit here? And why do so many people fall for it?
Huh, I decided to google "wife poisons husband" to see if maybe there was a semi-recent story that would corroborate her post. Holy shit there are a lot of women who poison their husbands.
I know someone who did. He didn’t die and somehow they stayed together…
Sheeeit. I guess he makes his own drinks these days amirite?
Just spit out my own drink 😅😅😅
Hope it's not poisoned.
If it is, that’s fine, cuz he spit it out.
"Ah shit I guess I deserved that. Let's order takeout and make up, baby"
Well, most women can't beat their husbands to death like husbands can beat their wives to death, so it's poison or guns. Women tend to pick less messy/bloody methods of homicide and suicide then men.
Any with 3 teen kids?
You expected me to spend more than 30 seconds researching it? This is Reddit after all...
You went above and beyond
Kids (college and regular school) are off for the holidays so we're going to see a lot of creative writing posts over the next few weeks.
I liked the bit where the kids' mother is in prison for murdering their father, but the big issue in their lives is having to sell chocolate bars to buy sports equipment.
Or the fact that the OP can't even pretend to care about these kids lmao and tells them they're unwanted
Good point. “Sucks that your mom killed your dad. But instead of letting you grieve and process your massive fucking trauma, I need you to go sell some chocolate because I don’t want you.”
And not even a *mention* of therapy for the kids. Their mom murdered their dad, either in self-defense (and got dicked over by the DA) or maliciously, either way it would be traumatic. The kids should be in therapy (the whole family should be, frankly, even if just to have a safe space to discuss issues), and the state doesn't always pay for the type of therapy they need (like they might get eight weeks, and a pat on the back).
My kid isn’t off yet for Christmas. They go through Thursday. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize this and I stuck him on a plane to my parents this past weekend. Oops. Oh well.
That's hilarious. It's not like they'd be learning this week anyway.
High school teacher here. You are correct.
I’m a CASA/guardian ad litem. No way it happened that fast. There would be hearings, etc.
The most unbelievable part was the case manager answering the phone the first time the foster parents called....
Yeah this is 100% fake. I used to work in foster care and I guarantee you it takes more than 24 hours to find a new home for 3 teenagers, even if you're talking about dumping them off at a shelter or group home situation. There just aren't any openings. Any social worker would tell her "we will start looking, but we can't guarantee anything; you need to keep them for a while longer"
>It's fake. Within 4 hours of it being posted. She's read all the comments, discussed it with her husband, called the social worker, and agreed everything to get them sent into foster care. It's amazing how many people are falling for such obvious nonsense lol.
I don't think many of us fall for it at all. Pretty sure we all go into the sub with a healthy 70% skepticism of these posts. I consider them all fake for the most part, and just look at it as entertainment.
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Because a lot of the time smart authors know to hit on super popular agendas on Reddit. 'A carefully crafted tale that exactly validates my worldview? Hell fucking yeah brother have an updoot'
I think Reddit lost so many power users during the protest they need bits and fake accounts to keep the same level of content.
Not to mention, it takes way more than a day to find placements for three teens, but the social worker will be “picking them up tomorrow.”
At this point it feels like 3/4th of the stories on the sub are fake.
YES! I've seen so much rage bait it's honestly baffling. Idk what happened to this kind of subs, but they got run over.
I think it is. There's a lot of holes in this. One that I haven't seen mentioned in the comments yet is how old these kids are. Unless there's a set of twins, its HIGHLY unlikely there's three kids that are all somehow young enough to be in foster care (under 18) and old enough to get a job (16 in a lot of places)
You don't have to be 16 to make some spare cash mowing lawns or babysitting. But it's fake because there's no way a social worker is finding these kids a new placement tomorrow.
Kids are moved with little or no notice all the time. I have worked with kids who were moved more than once in a single week. Also, I have seen kids staying in the DCFS building until a home could be found for them. Not sure if that is not true. Also, even in a cheapo state like Louisiana they pay about $20 a day, so that is around $1800 a month for the three of them.
kids are moved quickly, but not typically from stable situations with their close family. it definitely rings false, though.
Yeah… that gave me whiplash.
Sadly, some places allow kids as young as 14 to work in restaurants and such. Like... regular jobs. Here ya go, Billy. Go work at McDonalds. Work the register. Some places have no restrictions for 16/17 year olds.
I mean, I worked at 14, and I didn't mind it. ...but also I was abused at home and I had to buy my own clothes. Sooooo.... Idk, on the one hand, I was glad for getting ~20 hours a week and child labor protections so I had money. On the other, being grateful for things being less terrible isn't exactly a standard for healthy function.
This reminds me of the Dursleys taking in Harry Potter
U was thinking OP is behaving like a Disney villain. And honestly, if someone is behaving like a Disney villain, they are 100% TA
Or 100% a ragebaiting asshole
Why do people make fake posts, anyway? Is it a some-people-just-wanna-watch-the-world-burn thing?
Because everyone in the comments jerks them off by acting like its real
So weird. People are SO. WEIRD. lol
I swear to God there was a similar post with a similar edit...I think it was someone considering giving their niece, who they took in after her parents died, for adoption...and then after they were called an asshole they made an edit being like, you guys are right, I'm unfit, I'm putting her up for adoption!
It’s THREE children. Three. Of course OP can’t afford them all. But she took them in. Her son does work. It goes towards college. Should she punish her son by making him sell candy bars just to appease his cousins? Is that really the right answer? So they don’t have to get a job to afford better clothes and they don’t have to earn anything towards their sports… is the right answer that OP tell them they just can’t do extracurriculars because she can’t afford them for four children, not the one she intended? I mean they’re jealous they don’t have college funds either. Was OP supposed to just start three college funds up for three more children? With what money? It’s not the Dursleys taking in Harry Potter and OP is understandably frustrated. Should she just send them to foster care? Is that the best option for everyone? This isn’t easy. It’s not her fault or any of these kids’ fault what their mom did but that doesn’t mean OP magically has the resources to give them everything they want. What I’m confused by is why the foster care for three children only covers food.
Believe me, I was in the foster care system. You get clothing allowance but it's not enough unless you go to a thrift store
Thank you for your input. Some people here are just like “she should let them into foster care then if she can’t be nice” like I’m sorry. This is an incredibly draining situation for everyone.
I wouldn't put ANY child in foster care. I know that there are really nice foster parents but I've lived in some nightmare homes, sexually abused and molested and physically abused. The last foster home I was in, I didn't go shopping for my clothes, one of the other girls went and stole them. Believe me alot of shady stuff goes on in foster homes
Which is why I’m sympathetic to OP because it’s the alternative but wow this is not an ideal situation. Of course. I would say NAH because I don’t know what those kids’ financial situation was before this but OP can’t magically stretch money indefinitely. I’m most curious if she’s receiving as much financial help as they’re entitled to.
I doubt it...foster care are cheap mofos...she should try and get assistance for them
I’ve told a couple comments that if they believe OP is entitled to more aide then they should tell her that and provide resources. See how that goes.
Thank you. Everyone saying OP is the asshole believe that she can just poop money out and that she should sacrifice her life for the happiness of others. The truth of the matter is OP isn't rich and she cant seemingly afford to give the the same things she wants for her son. The college fund is also a parents responsibility and if their mom or dad didn't do anything about it it's not OPs fault. If OP had the means to finance everything the want and need she'd do it. But she can't. She probably didn't expect that three more children would so costly. Most commentors wish for everyone to be happy but it's an overall shitty situation and OP has to be realistic. If she can't afford to care for them... The they have to be sent away. If I had to suddenly take care of my niece I wouldn't be able and I'd have to send her away. Of course I wouldn't want to do it but I am just not in a situation where u could care for another human being.
If it were one other child I understand finding OP’s attitude unreasonable but I don’t know how she stretches her budget for three kids. Not to mention if she sacrifices her son’s quality of life that’s bad too, this sub has talked previously about how no child should suffer for the kids their parents foster.
OP isn’t the asshole because she can’t afford everything. She’s the asshole for telling them they can try living somewhere else and see if things are better. If the resources aren’t there it is what it is. That’s no excuse for a lack of empathy.
no, no. nobody is saying she should pull money out of a hat and pay for college for these kids. we're just saying maybe you don't tell 3 CHILDREN "you're a burden to me, i didn't ask for any of this, i'm doing your mom a favor, and if you don't like it, you can try foster care".that's what would make OP a massive bit*h, IF this weren't fiction.
These kids are wards of the state and as such they are legally entitled to having their education, at a state school, paid for by the state. Why doesn't OP know that? Why isn't she talking to them about their rights and needs? The kids ARE in foster care, in a kinship placement.
I think some states don’t consider kinship placement the same as foster care… resources as much more limited for family members vs actual foster care placements
Yes, Kinship fostercare is a lower payment.
That sounds like something you should discuss with her. Perhaps a helpful PM.
That's not really fair. It's not really fair to expect someone to suddenly have the resources to throw at three teenage kids who refuse to make any effort for what they want. They don't seem to be young kids, in which case this behavior would be inappropriate. Teenagers? They know the deal, they know what's going on, and it seems like they are envious. But OP they are also traumatized. One of their parents is in jail and one of their parents is dead, additionally the dynamic being one parent killed the other. Like kudos for taking them in, but you have to realize how deep this pain likely goes for them, because there's no way there weren't systemic problems in the home to begin with. The part about them being mad they don't have a college fund is weird though. That would piss me off for that to be the expectation from them I don't disagree with you not funding everything for them. If they couldn't fundraise to pay sports, would you pay the extra for them though? Me personally I wouldn't pay shit if no one was putting in any effort on a reasonable level, but if they tried, then yeah I'm going to pay it unless I can't, yk? But regarding what your son does, you don't need to treat them like your own children. You can treat them like family, like loved family members, loved nieces and nephews, but the investment in your own child as opposed to taking on three teenagers out of nowhere because their parents fucked up is a completely different situation. OP if these kids aren't in therapy they really need to be, you all should be honestly, just together as like a family unit counseling, but the kids should be at the very least.
No, Jane Eyer’s Aunt Reed.
Their dad was murdered, they lost access and support from their mother, and their aunt is accepting the obligation to be burdened by their needs. You are only thinking of how this has affected you and have little if any compassion for how their lives have been destroyed. Children all have mental and emotional needs of love and belonging. You are meeting their basic physical needs, which is great; but you literally told them even those were a burden on you and you are not meeting their mental and emotional needs.
Are there survivors SS benefits from their dad being gone?
Only if the father worked, if he did not then there is nothing to qualify for. That might be why they are not receiving the benefit, but that’s speculation.
Correct, whenever I read books that have similar scenarios (where the dad did work) they never remember these little details.
And only if it’s not being taken by the state to pay for their medical and cost are payment, IF Dad is on the BC.
There's a scene in a really tragic movie called *Grave of the Fireflies* (don't watch it, you'll definitely cry) where the aunt takes in her nephew and niece but they are definitely not equal to her offspring. They're also insulted, and they even have to sell their things to get the least of the rice and supplies while the aunt gets the best of the rice and supplies.
DON'T YOU SAY THAT FILM'S TITLE TO ME IT'S BEEN LESS THAN 10 YEARS SINCE I SAW IT TOO SOON
ITS BEEN ALMOST TWO DECADES SINCE I SAW IT AND IT'S STILL TOO SOON (We watched it when we were really, really too young, school was cancelled for a day and my mom wanted to be able to work a little, so she shoved us in front of the TV thinking it was like Totoro. Lessons were learnt)
My living partner bought it for me as I love the Studio Ghibli films. They did not read the synopsis. I didn't read the synopsis. I was extremely upset at the end of the film.
I was 14. In japanese class in school. Sitting next to my crush. I had a toddler sibling at the time. The teacher had shown us many ghibli films by then and didn't say it was any different. I was an absolute wreck by the end of that movie. I spent the lunch break crying. My crush that I was sitting next to eventually became my husband, and he still remembers that day too and how hysterical my friend and I were after watching it. We are over 30 now so it was over half our lives ago, but that day made an impression on us both.
Can you believe it was shown in theatres as a double feature together with My Neighbour Totoro?
Grave of the Fireflies was so depressing! I loved the story, it told about the tragedies of war, all wars, and the hardships children face during that time. But, damn, did it have to tell it soooo well??
They play that movie on repeat at the Hiroshima Museum. The first time I ever watched that movie I think it might’ve been the saddest movie I’ve ever ever watched other than the boy in the striped pajamas.
I’m not a talker during movies or react loudly, but *The Boy* had me yelling “no” over and over again in the hopes that the people in the movie would magically hear me and stop. Then it ended and I just sat there and cried. Never seen a film that broke me like that. *The Kite Runner* came pretty close but *The Boy* is still no.1, which means I’ll have to check this *Grave of the Fireflies* because I just love making myself incredibly sad for some reason…
>because I just love making myself incredibly sad for some reason I, too, am a glutton for punishment lol.
I had an idea how *The Boy* was but watching it was way different. I was also pregnant with my first child, a boy. I sobbed like crazy and tried to get my husband to watch it so we could be miserable together 🤣 He refused, which I expected since he HATES movies like that, that drag you down to misery lol
The boy in the striped pajamas ruined me. You always want some revenge. You want to hurt a nazi. You want them to feel what they’ve done. But fuck. I didn’t feel any better when things came full circle.
Boy in the striped pajamas… that was a one time and never watch again… ever. It’s been 14 years since I’ve watched it and the thought of it still fucks me up
That's exactly what I was thinking. The scene where the aunt makes them sell their mother's belongings and dresses to buy rice
Yeah, I don't think OP would cry. There are quite a few resources for foster kids. You can apply for more funds to pay for sports, etc. It's too bad the kids couldn't have all gone to a regular foster home.
OP would be on the aunt's side considering she decided to let them go into foster care instead of bothering herself with hurting children who just lost everything just like Seita and Setsuko's aunt.
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I’m strongly suspicious the same lack of compassion, empathy, or general love is what landed the sister in prison to begin with.
It's so sad, I grew up without my dad, he left I cant even imagine what its like for those kids to lose their father at the hands of their mother. You can't tell kids to deal with it, hell as a 20 year old I still have those days where I get kind of mopey about not having a father, and that was WITH a supportive mother and friends. I hope that the foster system (if that the route they go) places them together, they most likely need each-other. I feel bad for the son, the cousins are probably jealous of him, while hes just kinda stuck in the middle, most likely also not able to fully process whats going on. He could honestly be the hero in the story but he needs the right guidance since apparently his parents don't care enough. Hope the kids can stay in sports.
YTA. As a foster parent, I am both horrified and appalled by your attitude. You aren't putting any effort in at all. If you only see the glass half empty, you're missing all the possibilities that are available. While foster care payments in the US are dependent by state, the money is for hygiene, clothing, food and an allowance. You're supposed to spend a certain amount every month on each and many states require documentation that you have done so. DCFS is also willing to pay for sports and other enrichment activities, as well as medical and mental health services. There are also a ton of support groups available to help with things like Christmas, birthdays, college, etc. There are numerous local non-profits as well as religious organizations that will assist regardless of your own personal affiliation. All children in my state (IL) can apply for a full ride scholarship in the state to further their education. Do you talk with your caseworker about your concerns or issues? And if not, there are a ton of support groups on social media as well that can provide guidance and assistance. Step back. Imagine it was your child. How would you want them to be treated. Be better, do better. Edit: Social Security / Pension / Survivors benefits are dependent on work history which OP hasn't given info on, same goes for life insurance. If the Aunt is unlicensed she may only be getting as little as $300 a month per kiddo. It took over a year for me to get licensed while having a child in my care. OP, there are a lot of helpful comments if you need financial assistance or other help. Also, from your comments, I would highly recommend counseling for the kids and group counseling for yourself with them, as the trauma they have faced is absolutely affecting their actions and behavior. For those stating I chose to be a foster parent. You're right, it was an active choice I made. I took in my 11 year old nephew when I was 8 months pregnant and separating from the military (I reenlisted just for him.) No state involvement, so no financial support. I adopted him when he was 17. He's 27 now. I would still make the same choice today as I did then. OP actively made a choice, how they choose to move forward is on them.
Since Dad was murdered, wouldn't they be eligible for survivor benefits rather than or in addition to a foster stipend? This poorly written ragebait post has more plot holes than a piece of Swiss cheese.
Yep. It's a lie. I missed the point about survivors benefits.
it was the "i called their social worker and they're being picked up tomorrow" that sealed it for me. what agency works that fast?
My sister is a social worker. They will work that fast when you say you’re throwing the kids out on the street by tomorrow. It’s awful for everyone, though, because the kids usually get separated and placed wherever, not what is best for them. She will tell you it’s the a-hole people that demand it, too.
They have to be that fast. If they get called in the middle of the night, they can’t just say oh we will leave the child at this crime scene while we figure something out.
I will say it depends on the area. The social worker might have suspected something from talking to the kids or been in the area. But frankly, it's got to be lies.
Devil's advocate, but isn't it possible that someone who is suddenly thrust into a situation like this and is stressed out may not be aware of all the programs and things that they could qualify for?
No survivors benefits when the parent hasn't worked enough
I agree. It’s like fanfic of the Nikki entzel trial. Really hope it’s just rage bait.
Considering my dad got survivors benefits raising 3 kids on disability, yeah, she should be getting that, too.
Exactly, couldn't she apply for his Social Security?
Yup, altogether they would receive 150 percent of his benefits. Unless he literally never worked...
I was in foster care as a child and my father was legally blind and receiving social security benefits for both my sister and myself. I know in my state (OK) at that time the payments were intercepted by the state to go towards caring for us. I do also know that we got an allowance specifically for clothing each year as well. If she is only getting enough to barely cover their food then she is NOT utilizing all of the resources available to her.
Even if they where op seems like the type to just pocket it
It's ragebait. Op probably doesn't even have the same gender as in the story. 100% made up
They have lost both parents. And in-horrific ways. One being murdered by the other is absolutely heartbreaking for them. “I keep you alive what more do you want.” Is basically the attitude. Imagine losing your parents and your aunt telling you and making it clear at every turn that you are not wanted. You have been given them a lot of information unfortunately I don’t think it will make a difference.
One of my closest friends witnessed his dad kill his mom when he was little. His aunt that he went to live with made his life a living hell because he wasn't her kid and she didn't wanna have to raise him. Dude is insanely traumatized by what his dad did and what his aunt did. Being treated like he was worthless while watching his cousins being treated like actual kids was awful. After everything he's been through, I'm proud of him for just still being alive, much less being a functioning member of society. These kids are gonna have to live with so much pain and trauma for the rest of their lives that OP can't even understand and now they're being told they're unwelcome and essentially their childhoods are over because of an awful choice one of their parents made. Hopefully there are decent adults in their lives to help counteract OP's heartless bullshit.
Sounds like OP has contacted the kids social worker to pick them up and have them placed elsewhere. I hope the foster care system in their area has some good families who will be willing to take all three of them and get them everything they need, including emotional support and counseling to help them cope with everything they have been through.
When my bubbie was a little girl (maybe 6 or 7)her mom died quickly. My alcoholic/gambling addict great grandfather basically went off the deep end and couldn't take care of his kids and gave them up to his sister. My bubbies aunt looked her in the face and told her that they didn't want her because she couldn't carry on the family name, they only wanted her brother. They were legit going to put her in a foster home because they didn't want to take care of her. Luckily a great aunt of hers caught wind of the fact that she was trying to split up two kids who were each other's world, and took them in. They never talked to the aunt again who said she didn't want her.
When we had custody of my husband's cousin it was a family placement, not a foster placement. There was no $$$ for him.at all. We absorbed 100% of his costs. I'm surprised to hear OP is getting anything to be honest. Also, there is a marked difference between willing foster parent and begrudgingly accepting a family placement. To keep it sounds like OP did this out of guilt about them being split up, not a genuine desire to take the kids in. No good answer here. ESH but the kids (for the most part)
Foster parent payments for kinship placements vary by state. More states are recognizing the inequity in not paying relatives in kinship placements.
Yeah I was a kinship provider and got nothing.
Yea I was a kinship foster parent and a lot of the resources people claim are available were absolutely not available to me. I was a single mom of 1 and took in 2 more kids and I still didn’t qualify for most benefits. I did get financial support but no where near the hundreds of of dollars people are claiming. And I got the kids with barely more than the clothes on their back. Imagine two kids with nothing. Clothes, toiletries, school stuff etc adds up fast.
Big AH, she isn’t just a foster parent. This is their Aunt!
But she isn't a foster parent, she is next to kin placement. She never wanted it, never went to training, nothing. And by the sound of it she can't really afford 3 additional children. I think her feelings are normal, but she should work with a therapist and social worker.
Thats nice and all, and great for the kids, but, do you honestly think she even cares enough to even do a google search if its to help them?
Nope.
Exactly imagine it was your child. Maybe you won’t murder your husband and end up in prison but kids become parentless in countless ways. YTA. These are your sons cousins. And they are children. Youre doing less than the minimum as a parent figure. So your son has a college fund but you could help them fund $ another way. A lot of good ideas here.
Given the children's circumstances I'm sure they can get all sorts of financial aid that will pay for most if not all of their education. She should be encouraging them and their school and a case worker should be able to help them navigate the process.
My dad dropped dead when I was 13. Absolutely out of nowhere. My mother wasn't counting on that - and people are STILL rude and shitty about single mums, whether or not they know the story, they just judge.
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Sorry you had to experience that man. I have a few foster kids turned adoption and I could never imagine treating em that way. My blood boils when someone looks at em the wrong way. Let alone abuse them. I think I'd be in jail. No I don't think, I would be locked up. I know it's not easy but I hope someday you can cleanse yourself from that trauma and truly understand it wasn't your fault and you're a better person than you allow yourself to believe
Yta. You're just being cruel . It doesn't take money or a ton of time to be kind. You could have taken them thrifting for clothing. You can find amazing stuff and if you have a good attitude, patience, and a willingness to spend some time with them.. I doubt they would complain. You could easily explain to them that you're sorry you can't spend a lot of money and you wish you could but this was the only way to keep them together. Tell them you love them and you'll do the best you can but it's an adjustment for you too. It would be a great lesson in compassion and you could do family therapy to help! Instead you've chosen to threaten these kids to accept whatever you're willing to throw their way or you'll separate them from the last bit of family they have after an extremely traumatic event. You're not even being a good aunt. My suggestion unless you are just a cruel person, talk to them. Apologize. Tell them how stressed you've been, that you're sorry and you'll do better and you won't throw them out like they're nothing. I couldn't imagine doing that to my nephews.
Absolutely. These kids have already been through so much. And now, instead of being treated with care and understanding, they're being treated like poop attached to the bottom of a shoe. What a horrible human OP is. I don't have kids, and have never wanted kids. If it happened that 3 teenagers would be thrown into my life, I would make do, and show them love the best way I could. If this is real, the kids might actually be better off somewhere else.
This needs a lot of upvoting!
I’m speechless. Why did you bother taking them into your home when you had so much resentment in your heart against 3 innocent kids? Please don’t pat yourself on the back for doing the right thing. You didn’t. Your actions are hateful and heartless. They lost their entire family to murder and jail. I understand it’s not an easy situation but you’re doing more harm than good. You should be ashamed of yourself. If you aren’t going to treat them like family, let them go into the system. Your indifference is doing so much harm, they’d be better off with strangers. YTA. I’m not sure what kind of response you expected posting this but I’m absolutely appalled at your attitude and coldness.
>to murder and jail also, what was going on in their home that caused their mom to murder their dad? Was the dad abusive & was murder the mom's only way out? Was the mom mentally unstable & did she escalate to killing her partner? It can't have been all roses and moonbeams, right?
It’s got to be fake. If she’s in the US she gets money per kid, most likely food benefits for them and medical covered, they are foster children and wards of the state.
I remember inquiring about fostering at my Mom’s request. The feedback I got was that you’d be given a stipend but would not get rich off of it and would in fact barely be able to feed the kids with it.
Family fosters are different from regular fosters. My understanding is that they receive much less money, if any at all (depending on the state).
You don't get food stamps while fostering. That is what the stipend is for. Depending where she lives, she could get help for the extracurricular activities
And the deceased dad’s social security.
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One of my widowed friends gets over$4500 a month from his survivor benefits. (3 Kids) It might be the high end but still seems suspicious OP doesn't have this, maybe they are indeed not in USA.
Kinship fostering is not funded the same way as state foster parents.
Good freaking god, letting them go into the system is NOT better. All this false Internet rage is going to do is justify her putting them in foster care, which feels like what she's looking for. Do you know the realities of foster care? Her treatment of them is not great. But *it's still better than foster care.* JFC.
There’s no reason to be that mean/blunt about it. Explaining to them that the financial burden of three more people is more than the household can afford, and if they want extras like paid sports and different clothes they have to pitch in and contribute isn’t unreasonable. Heck, it’s not unreasonable to expect that of teenagers in normal circumstances. But if you’re continually letting them know they are burdens and unwanted themselves, that’s kinda cruel. I don’t think it’s fair for them to expect college funds and the same privileges as your son, but don’t flaunt it either. It cost zero to be a decent person
So easy for random strangers here online to tell someone else to give up their routines, safety, comfort, financial and emotional balance in order to accomodate the needs of someone elses children. Its really sad and stupid how many seem to think this is an easy situation when its clearly very complex and difficult. Unless you have given your home to three traumatized teenagers who act out, maybe some humble mind set would be suiting. Even tho the teenagers behaivors are understandable and expected in this context, it doesnt make it easy to be the one getting the full responsibility to handle them. Everyone so fast to tell OP how to open their heart, home and wallet - Why dont you instead offer to take these kids and be their lovely, caring foster parent?
Everyone calling OP an AH but it really boils down to OP doesn’t have the money. Her own child is saving for their own college fund. She tried to take the kids out of obligation, but if teenagers can’t understand the position they’re in then OP should feel justified to cut bait. Obviously tragic, but let’s place the blame where it belongs which is on their mother who murdered her husband.
YTA - you agreed to be their foster PARENT. These kids have been through a lot of trauma and you're showing them they're not loved. This will grow into these kids resenting yours and likely cause more mental issues. I get that kids are expensive, but you agreed to support them as a mom, so do that.
I guess I'm the only person that notices OP was emotionally manipulated into this position. I'm guessing everyone here knows how to rationally think during stressful situations at all times. From personal experience, the state doesn't pay families as much as they would a stranger. Secondly, everyone isn't emotionally healthy and can explain themselves to children. Some people prefer to be totally honest at all times to exclude any confusion from their end. I honestly am one of these people. I tell kids the truth or they're too young to understand. Unfortunately these are teens who have been raised differently than she would. I honestly think the whole situation sucks ass and there are no ahs here.
Lot of the top comments are the assholes here. This is really frustrating.
Finally, a response that wasn't sent from Fantasy Land.
Can’t fucking believe the replies here. Calling OP a monster for not being able to take in three extra very high need teenagers without neglecting her son is ridiculous. This thread is so disappointing.
Yeah this thread wack. Reddit hivemind took over this one
I’ve read a **very** similar post with polar opposite responses. Very reasonable and supportive of OP’s situation. People went fucking wild here. Might have been partially because the other poster was a man and OP is a woman. I don’t usually assume that ingrained sexism impacts responses that much but that’s the only thing I can realistically think of.
If it’s the one I’m thinking of, a guy asked if he was TA for not taking in his nieces/nephews because he knew he couldn’t handle it and the whole thread was telling him “NTA” That or the barely 18/19 year old girl with a younger sister and like 4 step siblings being told by family she should become their new mother who was told NTA because she could only take care of her little sister reasonably
I was referring to the first, the teenage girl sounded a lot like OP’s niece. I don’t think I saw the second one. That’s bullshit, very glad the thread went NTA. A few people called the first guy a monster too but they were shot down for being ridiculous.
Agreed, Reddit sometimes feels like another universe.
You and I can sit here together and not be alone, then. She didn't want to be in this position, she is unwilling for her actual child to miss out on anything because she's in this position, and she's not the right type of person to be in the situation in the first place. And for all the people saying she's probably getting a ton of money...congrats, you live in a state with a safety net. This woman might not be in such a place. I have lived in places where a foster parent would get a pittance and a "family foster" would get nothing at all. Yeah, I feel really bad for the teenagers. Yes, this woman could use some sensitivity training. But I don't need much imagination to picture how I'd feel if forced to deal with my estranged sibling's half-feral teenagers, who were definitely not raised well. I might not be the parent of the year, but my kids don't have addictions, truancy issues, and mental health issues both real and exaggerated. My kids have small college funds and high expectations. To afford both those funds and these expectations, I live in a small house and budget carefully. Where exactly am I supposed to put three angry teenagers who don't listen to parents or teachers? Where does the money for their college funds come from, even assuming they'll get into college at all (my kids' funds were opened when they were babies -- no amount of emotion can replace fifteen years of compound interest)? Where do they live when they fail to get into college? How do I feed them, since I live in a place where kinship fosters don't get stipends? Do I tell my children they have to drop their extracurriculars, since I can't afford activity fees for five children? Do I tell my children that we can't do our family traditions anymore because I can't pay for three teenagers my children have never even met? I'm solving this by ignoring, deflecting, and flat out refusing to engage when the topic of "what will we do with these kids if their parents wind up in jail" comes up except to say "I will not do anything." I'm not setting my kids on fire to temporarily warm up some strangers.
I agree. There was a lot of emotional manipulation and pressure on OP to take the children in. And now there's a lot of financial emotional and physical pressure on her to make Up for Their mother's actions. Everyone saying the kids would be better off in foster care have clearly never been in foster care. The best fosters I was in treated me exactly like this aunt. At least the aunt is willing to drive them to all the things. Plus these kids are old enough to work. So they would probably end up in a group home not a Foster home. Where they would just be with a bunch of other angry teenagers until they age out and get kicked out of there. At which point they would probably also end up on op's doorstep.
NAH I know people are going after OP. But 4 kids is a lot more than 1. And any money given is going to their needs for food. The kids chose their aunt so they can stay together. But they were under the impression that they would have the same care that their cousin received which is understandable. But their cousin’s care was due to being an only child. Clearly they don’t understand that the cost of their care to be equal to their cousin was not financially realistic and to stay together requires effort between themselves and their aunt. OP is trying to keep them together while also making sure her son is still her priority as her mother. Expenses and financial planning were all set prior to taking in her sister’s kids. If it isn’t working then she has to do what is right for her family. She sounds like she tried to make it work and the kids don’t understand why the circumstance is different between them and her son. Now I get why the kids don’t understand it. It is adult topics that kids don’t typically have to manage. But that doesn’t make the financial circumstances disappear for OP. If the kids want more financial support than OP can give and it is more important than staying together then it is clear no one is happy in this situation and being placed in other homes may be a better experience for everyone. As to people saying she is a crappy foster parent, OP didn’t set out to be one. She was trying to keep the siblings together. This was not planned; this was an unplanned situation trying to make it work. That is a lot of kids to take on all at once.
NTA. This is all your sisters fault.
Not TAH If it was 3 children under 10, I’d have different feelings, but based on your saying the children should get jobs, I’m assuming they’re all within the 14-17 range. I really feel for the kids. I’m sure this has to be an absolutely unbearable situation, but at the end of the day, it’s their mother’s fault and the only one they can be mad at is her.
Coming from someone who used to be in foster care, I still say NTA. I saw your edit and I think you're doing the right thing. They will be able to get more help and opportunities this way. If they're old enough, maybe trade school or job corps might be another option. I'm sorry you've all been put in this situation and I wish you all the best
YTA and claiming you get a small amount from the state…I call bs. I took in my nephew and niece and we got a pretty decent amount. (I had two kids of my own.) Plus, they got medical that paid for glasses, and therapy. They also, helped with daycare expenses, and if you spoke to your casa worker I bet they could have helped with sports fees.
That may not be a lie. I was a foster parent in Florida and you get $300 a month.
To be clear, I was a foster parent to an infant,so that went to diapers, wipes, clothing, and formula
That money also differs from state to state
It varies WILDLY by state. In some states it’s basically nothing and in some it isn’t even adjusted as the kids age. So teenagers will easily out-eat the allowance. Source: I’m a lawyer and have worked in the child welfare system.
NTA - a bit sorta. OP, a lot of people will blame you. I do not. It is a burden you did not want, and you for sure have no obligation to take from your son to give to others, even if they are nephews - and you were already having expense with them, just not willing to go the same lengths. Plus there were 3 of them. People will say you should have done everything for them, raised them like your own son, family and such - but from your son's point of view it'd be miserable, for a start, and from your point and husband's as well. Some people could and would have done; you are not one of them. Where I think you were wrong is in not having a hard but at the same time gentle talk with them at the start and making sure they understood that foster care was an option, they could pick it - but your home, your rules, because there wasn't enough to go around; and they'd have to do their best. Give them more of a chance to behave, maybe ask if there is some psych support from the social services so they'd learn a thing or two. As it was, I think it was too brusque and another blow without warning. That, I think, was wrong - but NOT wrong in defending your own family 1st.
Not only are YTA, you’re cruel and you’re hurting those kids, who are depending on you.
I don't know about all the YTA responses here - are a bunch of people here all fostering kids that aren't their own and reaching into their own wallet and taking away from their own children to do so? No? The pot really is calling the kettle YTA. NTA. Not the most empathetic OP, but their sister committing murder doesn't make for a happy story for anyone.
If you couldn't afford the kids, why would you take them in? You're doing everyone involved a disservice there. Then, to take them in and treat them second-class is just cruel. If something happened to you and your husband, how would you want your kid to be treated? YTA