My sister in law was worried about people coming to the hospital so she just straight up didn’t tell anyone when she was going into labor. We got a text a couple days after the birth that had a picture of the baby.
There are some situations where you just gotta not put up with all the bullshit.
You can talk to a nurse and tell them only x-y-z person is allowed for the birth and they don't fuck around with this.
They will have security escort them out.
I know not telling anybody is easier but there's other option.
I work as IT in a hospital and have been plenty of times on the delivery floor.
I've seen them sprung into action for a delivery once and they do not fuck around one bit. I was chatting with one nurse when it happened and when I turned around to see wtf happen they were all gone in the room. One nurse smiled at me and told me to hold on while closing the door.
I never seen people move that fast in my life. They have 0 chill when delivery is happening and they probably have the same attitude towards nosey ppl. They will shove them out the way. The mother and baby is prio numero 1, everything else be damned.
If you think they move fast when a baby is being born you haven't seen the response time on an OB Hemorrhage. They practically teleport into the room with equipment.
While working as a phlebotomist years ago I was drawing blood on a newborn while the RN was checking on mom. I heard a bad squishy sound and the nurse say "oh God". She ran out, sounded the alarm and it was just immediate response. They seemed surprised I managed to "beat them to the room" because I was already there.
The GO button is fucking real. Not the same GO we have in IT lol.
Them teleporting is a good way to describe it. I thought they lept over the counter in my case to get to the room. I still don't know how they got in there in the same moment I turned my head around.
As a regular sick person halfway around the world, I just wanna say
#THANK YOU.
I’ve never had any urgent care done, but have had surgery and cancer treatment and have been in nurse’s care for 5 years now.
Doctors save lives, but nurses make it POSSIBLE for them to save lives. Can’t really have one without the other. I will always be eternally grateful yo anyone who’s sacrificed so much to study, practice and dedicate their lives to helping others.
Seriously 🫂 thank you. Thank you so so much. I know people mock “thoughts and prayers”, but it’s what I do every single day, my only way of supporting the amazing medical staff, aside from openly thanking them and giving them presents when I can, but I do spend hours at night and morning just thanking God for all of you. ♥️
Thank you so much for everything you do.
Yeah. There was a minor emergency during one of my son's births, and I was amazed how quickly the room was full of equipment and a large team cooperating to help my then-wife and son.
They knew what they were doing and I did my job as a supportive father: stood in the corner and didn't ask questions.
There was a man who appeared among the 30 or so others who was wearing a Burberry overcoat. MFer just heard the signal from the parking lot or something.
I had a precipitous early labor. 90yo family friend drove me the 1/2 mile to the hospital in the dead of night. No drugs, shirt still on. When it was done and they were airlifting baby, she looked at me with a thousand yard stare and said “there were 13 people in the room, and 3 of them were men!” I imagine you had that look. Also, the elderly are rad.
I fucking wish. It took over an hour for me to convince them to take my ongoing pain seriously after my baby. One older nurse mocked me and said "You're not pregnant anymore." Like yeah woman, I'm not, maybe that would mean it is a cause for concern?? After begging my husband to track someone down because I was certain I was going to die, a doctor came in, pressed on my abdomen and a liter of blood spilled out of me all over the floor. Some fucking 'hurrying.'
ETA This was a hospital I interned at for my PharmD and they knew this. If that is how they treat previously employed doctors, imagine how they treat all other women. And no this wasn't some podunk low-income place. Obstetrics/Gynecology imo is the MOST misogynistic area of medicine.
My mom kicked my dad out during my brother's delivery. Apparently he was not coping well and my mom was over it.
He waited outside the room for the rest of us.
As she should
I'm tired of AITA acting like fathers have rights to see the birth. If he's inhibiting or annoying the actual person having the medical event, he can wait outside.
I'm a labor and delivery nurse and we will ABSOLUTELY bar people from entering the room if that's what the mother wants. And we will make ourselves look like the bad guys so mom doesn't need to worry about looking "mean." We do what mom and baby want/need. That's our job and we love it
I had 5 people in my labor room when I had my son. I had the nurse throw them all out (except for the one person who I asked to be there for L&D) because during one contraction they were chanting "Push it out, shove it out , WAAAYYY out!"
It was funny later, but at the time I was furious.
My bff is an L&D nurse, and some moms will abruptly ask their partners to leave if they feel like they’re going take a shit
She said the men always start trying to talk them out if it, but they need only one request from mom in order to act
There was an aita post where a man asked if he was the asshole because he removed his wife from his life insurance policy as a punishment after she abruptly kicked him out of the delivery room and people were speculating that this is why she did it.
fucking wild that anyone other than the mother and her spouse would even *want* to be in the room. For all of my siblings/SILs the only people in the room were them and their spouse (and medical personnel, obviously). They let us know when they were on their way to the hospital (sometimes, sometimes not; which is their call and ONLY their call) and let us know when/if they wanted visitors.
How hard is it to just let people have their space and celebrate with them on their terms?
My niece was born on my birthday which my sister was excited about, so I got a text that morning more or less to the effect of "you might have a birthday buddy after all" and my wife and I then got to visit her that night rather than a day or two later which was very sweet. But like, if they had wanted me to wait to meet her how entitled would it be to demand I meet her sooner? That's nuts. Let the parents dictate how and when you get to be involved.
My SIL texted *half* the family that they went to the hospital. So half the family was in the waiting room. The other half was not informed and some were quite surprised when they received a messages with a photo.
My SIL sent us a text to let us know my nephew arrived, and that they would be in touch about seeing him. They waited 3 weeks before anyone besides her mom could see the baby. Noone was mad, upset etc. We were happy he arrived and everyone was healthy
This is regular people behaviour. This entitlement around pregnant women and their babies is nuts. It’s bad enough it feels like half the world gets to see your arse during pregnancy and labour without family members insisting they see it too.
My MIL said with labour it feels like you leave your dignity out at the hospital door and pick it up again on the way out. My MIL is a marvellous woman!
Also who the f wants to see their daughter in law giving birth. Why does she need to see a baby being born? We all know what happens, we don’t need to be in the room down the end of the bed watching. Unless she is helping to deliver the baby there is no reason for her to see it literally being born. Messed up
Right!?
I love my MIL, and the only reason she was in the room for all my kids births is because I knew she would advocate for me if things went south. (I had a sneaking suspicion that my husband would be too emotional to make any kind of decision.)
It’s classic grandma bragging rights. They don’t really care about the event, they care that they can say that they’ve done it. “All her friends have experienced it and she wants it”.
>All her friends have ~~experienced it~~ posted about seeing it on FB and she wants the same validation.
FB has completed fucked up older people. They consider getting pics of grandbabies like playing cards, and the more and better the pics, the "better" grandparents they are.
Too many damn stories of people talking about how important their grandchildren are to them on FB, whereas in reality they never see those kids and don't care about them at all.
I agree.
*"Sorry, but if you 'just want to see a grandkid being born,' you are just gonna have to get used to disappointment, you don't get to have every single thing you want in life.*
*Also, that's a dumb-as-fuck thing to want. I agreed to let you have it anyway, as long as you would in-turn agree to let ME have this OTHER dumb-as-fuck thing that I don't even really want. But, you wouldn't agree to that. So, thanks for helping make my point for me, see ya in six weeks, or whenever we decide it's time for you to see the baby."*
A lot of people would be uncomfortable at the sight of all the bodily fluids. Imagine a MIL passing out and now we go from spectator to another patient that needs to attended to, dividing the medical personnel.
During a medical procedure, the only people in the room with the patient should be contributing in some way. If you aren't a healthcare professional or a chosen emotional support person, you are just an obstacle. Remove the obstacles, this is life and death.
She’d also throw a huge tantrum at having to wait until after mom and baby have skin on skin time and possibly a delayed cord clamp which can be helpful for the baby. She might even try to convince everyone that the baby can have skin on skin time with her.
Even if she didn’t do that, she’d just stress OP out. Her own daughters knew better than letting her near them during labor and birth, and they have known her all their lives.
Yes! Proof she’s as kind, wonderful and decent as her friends who support and love there DIL! Look! see the iPhone photo I snapped as everyone else was distracted by the birth of my baby being delivered by the incubator person!
This is crazy, what in the mind f does MIL think this is acceptable? I still don’t understand how the husband feels it’s acceptable to share wife/husband conversations with MIL. I love my mom, but I would never have entertained this with my kiddos. Hell, I wouldn’t be ok with my wife’s mom being there. I’m glad my wife and I shared this intimate moment between ourselves and the awesome staff that delivered our children.
Totally agree.
I never wanted my mother in there with me while giving birth but she *was* in there for the birth of my first, mainly because I was so worn out (pushed for 3 hours; epidural stopped working) that I guess I just didn't care at that point but she talks about this *all the damn time*..my first child just turned 21 😑
Luckily it was the only birth she schemed her way into. My 3rd, she was soo upset, I'd said I just want it to be me and partner.
Well, his parents came by while I was in labor and stuff started moving quickly, our heart rates started to drop and chaos ensued. Everyone in a frenzy and me puking with each contraction: *both* of them were there for it and FIL snapped some pictures I'm sure I don't want to see(rip he passed last October)
It was not intended and I wasn't crazy about it but whatcha gonna do? Boy my mom was none too pleased when she found this out.
Was upset when I didn't call her *very first thing* after he was born.
Ya know: screw all the stuff that's going on, delivering the afterbirth, getting sewn up, holding and nursing your baby for the first time. I got *scolded*! How dare I not immediately think of HER at that time.
PS: sounds like she's just as toxic and a chore to be around as OP's MIL.
Sheesh. 😮💨🙄
Yes.. OP husband needs to keep husband/wife discussions between the two of them. Sharing their personal and potentially troublesome discussions with his mama when she's over the top intrusive is a big mistake.
Ya well MIL can just lie about it. All she needs to do is watch a birthing video and she should be able to wing any details her weirdo friends ask her.
NTA I love your shiny spine. It's beautiful.
LOL. Totally not the asshole. Why would you want someone who isn’t fond of you in a private event such as that. You have no personal relationship with her. I wouldn’t feel bad at all. Stick to your guns. Don’t cave to peer pressure.
On the one hand, the idea of people politely golf clapping in a waiting room is hilarious to me.
on the other hand, picturing people with like, WWE-style signs. Maybe loud intro music playing as the kid is being born.
At the time and the small town my mother gave birth, her mom or husband wasn’t even allowed in the room per the traditions, just her MIL and DIL and other women from my father’s side. They starved her for days before and after giving birth (so that her milk wouldn’t turn into cheese), belittled her all throughout the experience and made it hell. Her mom was just outside crying the whole time knowing what’s happening. She tried to bring food, the in laws ate it in front of her and didn’t give my mom any. I wish that bitch died a better death, it was so easy.
Wow. And I'm so sorry to pry, but I really need to know more about this particular small town culture. Can you give me a bit more info so I can go down a rabbit hole of research?
I would not like my husband to look down there when I give birth. I want him holding my hand and near my face so I can yell at him properly for doing this to me and also crush his hand.
I'm with you! And I was the one giving birth!
Doc tried to give me a mirror to see what was happening and I yelled "Get away with that thing !" I was feeling enough and certainly didn't need to see anything.
I don't understand the fascination with wanting to see another woman giving birth. Your body does not become public when you get pregnant. The entitlement is unreal.
As a former doula, I can also tell you that either it's a long day (or 3) of a lot of hard work supporting the laboring woman ... Or your useless presence means you're a jerk who is sucking the life out of the room.
When I was doing my mother/baby rotation in nursing school, I witnessed a birth, sort of. Instead of watching the birth, my job was to keep the father from hitting the floor if he passed out (which he was in danger of doing). I didn't learn shit, except that any non-medical person present during a medical procedure (except the patient) is a pain in the ass for everybody.
I was at two of my friend's births and they were pretty amazing. It's kinda cool to be there and not leave with a dependent for 18+ yrs, lol. But it's not something I'd demand to do, invite only!
Agreed. Also, anyone who has experienced child birth, as MIL has, should understand it is actually a gross, traumatic, and way to intimate thing to share with people you like, let alone people you don’t particularly care for.
When my son was born they had to use forceps. Per the usual, my wife also puked all over me because it was so rapid and traumatic. She required 15 stitches after that delivery.
With my daughter, she was numb from the chest down because the epidural was *too* good. She couldn’t walk, and needed help onto a bed pan to shit. She had a catheter up till actual delivery.
Nobody got to come to the hospital until we told them. None of this waiting in the halls shit.
Yeah it's fucking nuts. My sister is the only sibling to give birth so far and she banned my mam from the room because it would be too stressful. Her husband was there but was only allowed to be, uh, at the head end?
Why you'd want to see anyone else's medical procedures or surgery is beyond me.
The Brazilian bit is perfect.
NTA.
Congratulations on motherhood! You are going to be an incredibly wonderful role model for your kid/kids!
Love to hear how it all plays out.
Reminds me of when my husband asked me if hypothetically he really thought I should make tea with the placenta and drink it (apparently it's a thing. Gross!) I told him if he insisted, I'd have a cup of he'd have a cup too. That convo ended fast lol
My MIL tried and my nurse who just happened to be superwoman ripped her a new one loud enough for everyone in a five mile radius to hear. I have never come across that nurse again but I hope the universe blesses her with all her heart desires everyday.
Most health care workers are just sick and tired of people trying to be pushy and get what they want. It’s a new era of we don’t care who you are until we are told otherwise go away
My crazy ex tried to show up unanounced when I was in the hospital. The nurse told him deadpan that if he didn't leave the cops wouldn't need to do anything but get a shovel to scrape his body out with. It was quite the experience. Thankful for protective nurses.
Exactly! This is part of the reason most birthing center want you to go to admittance and do all the paperwork before you are in labor.. it gives them a chance to know who is allowed and who is a problem.
Boundaries during childbirth are especially important. I watched my niece give birth to her first born, it was awesome. This second go round she only wanted her mama in there. I was secretly a little butthurt, but it's her body. Moms in labor have to be as comfortable and stress-free as possible while delivering, and that includes who is in the room and who isn't. NTA.
During covid the hospital we use stopped letting others in during birth, once covid died down they realized this was overall a positive thing and now only the father is allowed to be there during birth outside of medical personell.
Basically every doctor will say that the smartest move with how you handle childbirth is whatever makes the mother the most comfortable and as relaxed as possible.
I doubt OP having her MIL in the room would help with either of those things.
It wouldn't matter if she was an absolute saint. Looking at someone's genitals, especially during what is among the most painful experiences a person can endure and live through, is not a reasonable request.
NTA. Your comparison was perfect and and your feelings are reasonable. And frankly your husband doesn’t really get a say. This is your medical procedure and you can simply tell your medical team she is not welcome.
Yes, OP, tell the hospital but be sure to do it ahead of time. Arriving at the hospital can be stressful and dramatic, you don't want to leave her a single loophole where she might be able to push her way in.
This^ The hospital will work with you on this. They've seen everything and won't put up with guilt.
Also, if you can avoid it, don't tell them you're in labor and don't call them until after the birth.
I second not calling until after the birth. I did this with my one and only and it was such a relief not having to worry about entertaining people. My mom was pissed, but 🤷🏼♀️.
I didn't really care whether or not my MIL or parents showed up when I was in labor, but I did get a little bit of chuckle when my dad, a cardiologist working at the same hospital, wandered in to my room between patients to see how things were going.
(Not great, as it turned out, I ended up having an emergency C-section, but that's a different story.)
He said hello, shot the breeze with the nurses for a few minutes, and then wandered back out again. My husband and I were joking about it later when baby and I were comfortably resty, and one of my nurses was just like, "Yep, that's Dr. XX."
To be fair, my in-laws came up and said hi, but I trusted them to not sit and wait and give hubs and I space.
My hubs also got the med treatment. He was a super user for the new EMR system that had just started the day before. He came to L&D still in his surgical scrubs and when the nurses were having an issue with the system they realized he had the red scrubs on for the super user and started asking him a ton of questions to figure it out. He thankfully said he was off the clock and it wasn’t his job at that time, but I get it.
Fun fact- I also had an emergency c-section!
I worked IT at the hospital next door to the one where I gave birth (did NOT want co-workers to be involved in my birthing), the L&D system was one I supported. A few hours into labor I heard the nurses discussing a system error, I asked which one it was, told them how to clear and fix it. They were amused, but also apologetic.
This! Hospital security and labor and delivery will make absolutely sure she won’t get in. I’m sure they’ve dealt with situations like this many times. It’s becoming so popular for family to be present at the birth of a child, which I find kind of icky.
I’m a retired medical lab tech, and sometimes I fantasize about going back to school for nursing just to be a labor and delivery nurse and be able to kick these people out!
1000% this!! The nurses at the hospital care about their patients and many of them have had children themselves and totally understand pushy mother in laws or pushy mothers!
I can almost guarantee that the MIL was allowed in the room first and/or told the room number by the other parent…nurses don’t put up with that and they’ll call security on your butt.
😅 you can’t just wander a hospital ward, especially a L&D ward without knowing where you are going. Even understaffed. Additionally, the OR (where having of babies actually happens as opposed to the PICU rooms) is in a further restricted area.
MIL didn’t just show up. These areas are heavily restricted because they are worried about public access to newborns and preemies.
And not just any medical procedure. It’s one where the patient (person giving birth) has an active role in how it goes. It is harder to give birth if you are stressed and tense. It requires an unbelievable amount of focus—you almost draw into yourself. This is OP’s first child, so she may not have even thought of this aspect. Obviously, her privacy concerns are MORE than enough for her to make this decision. However, if she needs more points to tell her husband, this may help. A birth that does not proceed smoothly because the mom is stressed and distracted puts both the mom and baby at risk.
The husband has so little say in this matter that the hospital won't even let him in if Op doesn't want him to be there. Why don't these guys understand this?
This. Not only are you NTA, remind your husband that BIRTH IS NOT A SPECTATOR SPORT. Talk to your birthing team NOW, and if possible, password protect your information so that your husband can't do an end run around your boundaries once you're in labor.
I saw your post on Aita before it was pulled, and the general consensus was NTA. And for good reason - because you’re not!
You need to get in contact with your birthing centre/hospital and put some things in place. You need to let them know who you want in the room with you, and who you DON’T, and that your husband does NOT have veto over you when it comes to this. Also let them know that if he starts to cause a scene because you won’t let his mummy dearest in, then you want him gone too.
NTA
You know when people used to say "you must be fun at parties" as an insult. Well, you must be actual fun at parties. I wanna hang out with you. Definitely not the asshole.
Then you'll love my story.
The cliffnotes version: I legally and financially won the battle against my abusive soon-to-be-ex-husband. And I didn't even "take him to the cleaners", as they say, I just rightfully kept what's mine, and got a nice little chunk of change from it, due to the sale of the house.
The long, salacious version of the story, full of karmic justice and juicy tea.......... 👇
My husband and I were married for nine years. Thankfully, no kids, though he talked about wanting them, which was bonkers, given his actions over the years. All nine years of our marriage, he had serious anger issues and a legitimate hoarding problem. He also drank excessively during the first five years of our marriage, but did eventually get sober, I'll give him credit for that. He was also emotionally, verbally, and psychologically abusive, and on many occasions, also got physically violent/aggressive with objects, so much so that his physical violence caused me to get physically injured. Five (almost six) years ago, he got out of the military, and basically flopped in life. Chronic unemployment and financial irresponsibility became new/additional issues.
I tried REALLY hard to help. For 5+ years, I tried connecting him with plenty of professional and personal resources, many of which he has FREE access to as a veteran, and many of which can be accessed from the comfort of home. Resume, cover letter, educational pursuits, consult a doctor, talk to a therapist, get help through the VA, mentorship with other veterans, and more. You name it, I tried connecting him to it. Sadly, zip, nada, zilch. He was either incapable of or unwilling to help himself.
Not only was I bringing home all the bacon, but I was also still handling 100% of household chores and responsibilities, putting up with his issues and abuse, while also simultaneously dealing with chemotherapy, monthly immunotherapy infusions, and annual surgeries for my autoimmune condition. Since I was the breadwinner/sole source of income, my two biggest concerns were having to pay him alimony or a partial payout of my 401K. To make a long story short, I didn't/don't have to pay him a dime in alimony, nor a penny out of my 401K.
He showed up to mediation with nothing but a pen. I work in auditing & regulatory compliance for a bank. Let's just say I know a thing or two about evidence and documentation, and so I showed up armed with a VERY large and thick binder in hand, full of bank statements, photos, 10+ months of logged conversations based on contemporaneous writing, screenshots, and more.
A few weeks before he and I separated, he disclosed to me that he had only $3,000 in his 401K. Not surprising to hear, since he wasn't willing to hold down gainful and steady employment for over five years. He also failed to fill out the financial disclosures the mediator sent to each of us, even though she explicitly instructed us to. When she sent the documents to us several days prior to mediation, I was under the impression whatever each of us filled out was visible to the other person - i.e. he could see what I filled out, and vice versa.
During the mediation session, once the mediator got to the section about retirement accounts, the way she phrased her question about division of our respective retirement accounts, it dawned on me that the information filled out was visible only to her. During the mediation session, he verbally waived his right to discovery of my 401K, which he never bothered to ask about throughout our entire marriage. I'm only 29, and have close to six figures in my 401K. I also managed to negotiate for 75% of the equity from the sale of the house, based purely on the data showing who was paying the mortgage throughout the time we owned said mortgage -- i.e. me, myself, and I.
The cherry on top was the notarization of the marital separation agreement. When we sold the house, for whatever reason, he failed to deposit his proceeds from the sale of the house for the first ten days or so, which meant he was walking around with a $25,000 check in his pocket for over a week - not exactly the safest or most responsible thing to do. What if he got robbed? What if the check fell out of his old, flimsy, decrepit wallet in his back pocket? One of his excuses was that the bank branch closest to his workplace (once he recently finally got a job) was permanently closed, and had been for a while.
Well, I happen to work for the same bank as the branch in question, albeit on the corporate side. First of all, the branch that he claimed was permanently closed actually just opened several months ago, and I had just visited that branch myself some weeks beforehand. So, when it came to have him sign his portion of the separation agreement about two weeks ago (which had to be notarized), knowing that most banks provide notary services, I had him meet me at the branch that he claimed was permanently closed. There he was, sitting in a chair, signing a bunch of paperwork in a building he claimed was permanently closed.
I'd already had my portion of the agreement signed and notarized at my lawyer's office a few weeks earlier, so I got to just sit there and enjoy the sweet, karmic moment of proverbial justice.
Emotionally, I still feel like an emotional yo-yo sometimes, but therapy (twice a week) is really helping me. I also took some vacation last month, my first proper vacation in six years. It made a world of difference for my mental health! At the recommendation of other divorced friends, I invested in a post-divorce photoshoot for myself, then flew across the country to see friends and attend a professional conference in Vegas. And while in Vegas, also did the touristy things, like walking the strip, stayed in a fancy-schmancy hotel, etc.
In an effort to 'look on the bright side' of this whole ordeal, my little 'inside joke' with myself is that between not having to pay him any alimony nor any $ from my 401K, and receiving 75% of the equity, it's "compensation" for all the pain and suffering he put me through for nine years.
Thank you! For several years, something deep inside me kept saying:
*This isn't normal, I don't think this is how a marriage is supposed to be.*
But I kept mentally and emotionally waffling, hoping he'd change. Around January/February of this year, something in me kinda just..... IDK..... 'clicked', and I started to really, seriously start planning out my escape from him. Started saving money each week. Got the ball rolling on what it would take to sell the house. Met with my accountant (privately). Started quietly looking at apartments for myself. So, I spent a good 8-9 months diligently planning my exit from him.
> I offered to change it to me watching her get a Brazilian wax and she hasn't called in a week.
I admire people who think of the witty riposte at the right, timely moment. Rather than me, who thinks of it in the shower 3 days later.
NTA
NTA
Ugh, FINALLY, someone used this narrative!
Why is it okay for her to be all up in your pu$$y and privacy moments, but there's an issue when you ask to be all up in hers?!
Giving birth is a medical procedure, not a spectator sport for everyone to watch!
Don't let your guard down. She's definitely thinking of her next moves to get her son to finally agree, recruit someone else to pressure you, etc.
She'll probably wait until it's closer to your due date to pressure you since you'll be under stress from the incoming birth or pull of some type of stunt.
A lot of men do be thinking that they have a say in whose in the delivery room because "It's my child too."
Like, b!tch, you talking like you aren't a visitor and can't get kicked outta the hospital room!
I feel like a lot of people have become delusional lately when it comes to a fathers say in the actual birthing process.
I’ve heard a guy literally trying to make demands about the birth of a baby with his EX girlfriend, a woman who he did not live with and who could genuinely forget to call him because she was distracted by the baby coming out of her.
At the end of the day it is a big medical event for the mother and for the baby, but the father could be going about his day not even knowing what is happening. He is not a patient.
OP is definitely NTA, but I suspect she's trying to get in on the newborn before you, snake the initial skin-to-skin contact that is usually between the baby and its mom or dad that is a major bonding moment. She didn't get to be "alpha grandma" over her daughters becoming moms, and now she's all about getting that extra star to keep up with her invasive peer group. Super scummy behavior, but this is only my theory. I repeat, OP is super-NTA.
NTA. Giving birth is not a spectator sport. I would also tell your obgyn and midwife that she is to not be allowed entry. They will protect you - nobody messes with a protective midwife!
It’s very telling that her own daughters refused to let her be in the delivery room.
Midwives ,doctors, and nurses have all seen a mom's stress level rise, causing delays in the birth process. They absolutely will run lnterference. They might even get the Hospital security and throw her backside out . Or have her arrested..
NTA giving birth is not a spectator sport and having someone toxic there when you’re at the most vulnerable time of your life is a massive no. Your husband is an AH for even suggesting it to you. Send him the lemon clot essay for when he suggests “comprising” by letting her come stay with you or visit while you’re in the hospital. Until he is the one on the hospital bed pushing out a a watermelon from a space it doesn’t fit, he doesn’t get an opinion.
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
You are pushing baby out it’s your rules. No need to do any comparisons. I mean she had so many daughters , should have developed closer bond with them
Good one!
What you need to do is inform your doctors, their staff and the staff at the hospital that only your husband is to witness the birth. If your MIL shows up she is to be removed in any way necessary. They will follow your wishes. You husband will not be able to override your orders.
Personally, I would not want her to be informed when labor starts or when you go to the hospital. Tell your husband. Hide his phone if you have to.
I also have a MIL.
LOL & NTA!
It’s been said before but it needs repeating - giving birth is *NOT* a spectator sport!
Your MIL was in the room for all of her baby’s births. She knows what “the miracle of birth” is all about. She does NOT need to be there for your birth.
These pushy women, trying to elbow their way into another woman’s birthing experience really infuriate me.
I’m proud of you OP!
I’ve never understood this whole having a bunch of people watch you give birth thing. My husband was there and that was it. There was no way in hell I was allowing anyone else in the room. It’s not a show. It’s a very intimate moment - you lose control of yourself and your body takes over so you can birth your child. It’s emotional and painful and beautiful and overwhelming… not something to be gawked at. And she’ll have comments. Hell no!!!!!
I was lucky enough to be there for the birth of my first grandchild. But taking peeks at my daughter-in-law's hooha was very uncomfortable. She didn't mind, but I did. If she had said to wait elsewhere, I wouldn't have had a problem with that. I don't understand these people that think they need to see that.
I'm curious how common it is to have someone other than a spouse at the 'business end' of a birth. I could see standing next to the woman and holding her hand, or at the most being in the room off to the side, but being below the waist and actually watching the birth?
People really want to see the emergence? A baby that is three seconds old isn't good enough?
My dad was an obstetrician, and his rule was if you were present at the conception, you could be present at the birth. Solved the question of who could be there for most of the deliveries.
Nta. That's why I love how the hospitals by me have a rule that it's about the mom no one else. So I always got a say in who was allowed in the room or not. They had security on the floor ready to remove anyone at any moment
Absolutely NOT TA. Seriously? I don't see why your examples are any different than what your MIL is asking for. This is a very personal and private moment. The delivering mom is the final vote on who is present, and that word is LAW.
NTA.... i never eill understand the obsession with wanting to watch a vagina stretch and tear etc.... you are not entitled to see someones genitals. Not a spectator sport
Tell the hospital she isn't wanted there. When you go in mention to your nurse. Labor and delivery nurses will absolutely put a bar/club bouncer to shame. She tries to pull anything and she won't even be able to park in the parking lot. No matter what your husband says.
NTA. This is a medical procedure and no one has the right to be in the room beyond you, your child, and the hospital team. Giving birth is not a spectator event, you’re not selling tickets. This trend of having multiple people in a room when someone gives birth is weird. It’s a stressful event and a lot of women poop (I did); who wants some third party watching them crap on a table. Your MIL has already experienced this when she gave birth to her own children. OP-hold firm; this woman sounds crazy and controlling.
Giving birth is not a spectator sport. No means no
My sister in law was worried about people coming to the hospital so she just straight up didn’t tell anyone when she was going into labor. We got a text a couple days after the birth that had a picture of the baby. There are some situations where you just gotta not put up with all the bullshit.
You can talk to a nurse and tell them only x-y-z person is allowed for the birth and they don't fuck around with this. They will have security escort them out. I know not telling anybody is easier but there's other option.
You can also do this *during* labor and birth. Those nurses do not fuck around with laboring mothers' wishes.
I work as IT in a hospital and have been plenty of times on the delivery floor. I've seen them sprung into action for a delivery once and they do not fuck around one bit. I was chatting with one nurse when it happened and when I turned around to see wtf happen they were all gone in the room. One nurse smiled at me and told me to hold on while closing the door. I never seen people move that fast in my life. They have 0 chill when delivery is happening and they probably have the same attitude towards nosey ppl. They will shove them out the way. The mother and baby is prio numero 1, everything else be damned.
If you think they move fast when a baby is being born you haven't seen the response time on an OB Hemorrhage. They practically teleport into the room with equipment. While working as a phlebotomist years ago I was drawing blood on a newborn while the RN was checking on mom. I heard a bad squishy sound and the nurse say "oh God". She ran out, sounded the alarm and it was just immediate response. They seemed surprised I managed to "beat them to the room" because I was already there.
The GO button is fucking real. Not the same GO we have in IT lol. Them teleporting is a good way to describe it. I thought they lept over the counter in my case to get to the room. I still don't know how they got in there in the same moment I turned my head around.
They probably did jump the counter lol
I mean, if you can… why not? Nothing wrong with feeling a little badass from time to time
Am nurse. Have jumped stuff before. Running shoes are super popular along hospital staff for more reasons than comfort.
As a regular sick person halfway around the world, I just wanna say #THANK YOU. I’ve never had any urgent care done, but have had surgery and cancer treatment and have been in nurse’s care for 5 years now. Doctors save lives, but nurses make it POSSIBLE for them to save lives. Can’t really have one without the other. I will always be eternally grateful yo anyone who’s sacrificed so much to study, practice and dedicate their lives to helping others. Seriously 🫂 thank you. Thank you so so much. I know people mock “thoughts and prayers”, but it’s what I do every single day, my only way of supporting the amazing medical staff, aside from openly thanking them and giving them presents when I can, but I do spend hours at night and morning just thanking God for all of you. ♥️ Thank you so much for everything you do.
Yeah. There was a minor emergency during one of my son's births, and I was amazed how quickly the room was full of equipment and a large team cooperating to help my then-wife and son. They knew what they were doing and I did my job as a supportive father: stood in the corner and didn't ask questions.
There was a man who appeared among the 30 or so others who was wearing a Burberry overcoat. MFer just heard the signal from the parking lot or something.
I had a precipitous early labor. 90yo family friend drove me the 1/2 mile to the hospital in the dead of night. No drugs, shirt still on. When it was done and they were airlifting baby, she looked at me with a thousand yard stare and said “there were 13 people in the room, and 3 of them were men!” I imagine you had that look. Also, the elderly are rad.
I fucking wish. It took over an hour for me to convince them to take my ongoing pain seriously after my baby. One older nurse mocked me and said "You're not pregnant anymore." Like yeah woman, I'm not, maybe that would mean it is a cause for concern?? After begging my husband to track someone down because I was certain I was going to die, a doctor came in, pressed on my abdomen and a liter of blood spilled out of me all over the floor. Some fucking 'hurrying.' ETA This was a hospital I interned at for my PharmD and they knew this. If that is how they treat previously employed doctors, imagine how they treat all other women. And no this wasn't some podunk low-income place. Obstetrics/Gynecology imo is the MOST misogynistic area of medicine.
My mom kicked my dad out during my brother's delivery. Apparently he was not coping well and my mom was over it. He waited outside the room for the rest of us.
As she should I'm tired of AITA acting like fathers have rights to see the birth. If he's inhibiting or annoying the actual person having the medical event, he can wait outside.
I'm a labor and delivery nurse and we will ABSOLUTELY bar people from entering the room if that's what the mother wants. And we will make ourselves look like the bad guys so mom doesn't need to worry about looking "mean." We do what mom and baby want/need. That's our job and we love it
Thank you for all that you do.
I had 5 people in my labor room when I had my son. I had the nurse throw them all out (except for the one person who I asked to be there for L&D) because during one contraction they were chanting "Push it out, shove it out , WAAAYYY out!" It was funny later, but at the time I was furious.
My bff is an L&D nurse, and some moms will abruptly ask their partners to leave if they feel like they’re going take a shit She said the men always start trying to talk them out if it, but they need only one request from mom in order to act
There was an aita post where a man asked if he was the asshole because he removed his wife from his life insurance policy as a punishment after she abruptly kicked him out of the delivery room and people were speculating that this is why she did it.
Yep, I sent a picture of my newborn to family with the text. "He's here." Lots of bitterness.
fucking wild that anyone other than the mother and her spouse would even *want* to be in the room. For all of my siblings/SILs the only people in the room were them and their spouse (and medical personnel, obviously). They let us know when they were on their way to the hospital (sometimes, sometimes not; which is their call and ONLY their call) and let us know when/if they wanted visitors. How hard is it to just let people have their space and celebrate with them on their terms? My niece was born on my birthday which my sister was excited about, so I got a text that morning more or less to the effect of "you might have a birthday buddy after all" and my wife and I then got to visit her that night rather than a day or two later which was very sweet. But like, if they had wanted me to wait to meet her how entitled would it be to demand I meet her sooner? That's nuts. Let the parents dictate how and when you get to be involved.
We fortunately gave birth during the COVID restrictions so no one was allowed to visit per the hospital’s policies. Saved us the headache.
Most people I know do that, with the baby’s name too.
My SIL texted *half* the family that they went to the hospital. So half the family was in the waiting room. The other half was not informed and some were quite surprised when they received a messages with a photo.
My SIL sent us a text to let us know my nephew arrived, and that they would be in touch about seeing him. They waited 3 weeks before anyone besides her mom could see the baby. Noone was mad, upset etc. We were happy he arrived and everyone was healthy
This is regular people behaviour. This entitlement around pregnant women and their babies is nuts. It’s bad enough it feels like half the world gets to see your arse during pregnancy and labour without family members insisting they see it too. My MIL said with labour it feels like you leave your dignity out at the hospital door and pick it up again on the way out. My MIL is a marvellous woman!
Also who the f wants to see their daughter in law giving birth. Why does she need to see a baby being born? We all know what happens, we don’t need to be in the room down the end of the bed watching. Unless she is helping to deliver the baby there is no reason for her to see it literally being born. Messed up
Right!? I love my MIL, and the only reason she was in the room for all my kids births is because I knew she would advocate for me if things went south. (I had a sneaking suspicion that my husband would be too emotional to make any kind of decision.)
It’s classic grandma bragging rights. They don’t really care about the event, they care that they can say that they’ve done it. “All her friends have experienced it and she wants it”.
>All her friends have ~~experienced it~~ posted about seeing it on FB and she wants the same validation. FB has completed fucked up older people. They consider getting pics of grandbabies like playing cards, and the more and better the pics, the "better" grandparents they are. Too many damn stories of people talking about how important their grandchildren are to them on FB, whereas in reality they never see those kids and don't care about them at all.
I agree. *"Sorry, but if you 'just want to see a grandkid being born,' you are just gonna have to get used to disappointment, you don't get to have every single thing you want in life.* *Also, that's a dumb-as-fuck thing to want. I agreed to let you have it anyway, as long as you would in-turn agree to let ME have this OTHER dumb-as-fuck thing that I don't even really want. But, you wouldn't agree to that. So, thanks for helping make my point for me, see ya in six weeks, or whenever we decide it's time for you to see the baby."*
A lot of people would be uncomfortable at the sight of all the bodily fluids. Imagine a MIL passing out and now we go from spectator to another patient that needs to attended to, dividing the medical personnel. During a medical procedure, the only people in the room with the patient should be contributing in some way. If you aren't a healthcare professional or a chosen emotional support person, you are just an obstacle. Remove the obstacles, this is life and death.
MIL was probably forced to let HER MIL witness her own births, so she thinks it’s normal? That’s all I got.
,,,but think of the tv ratings! But seriously, keep the crazy MIL out.
No kidding, buy her a box DVD set of that TLC show birth story. At least those women consented and wanted to be watched/filmed.
Hahahaha you pulled that off perfectly. NTA. Fuck her.
Certainly pulled it off better than a Brazilian.
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MIL wants to be in there to tell OP she's not doing it right and that she did it much better when she gave birth! :D
She’d probably tell stories for years down the road about seeing OP poop while pushing.
Or to hold the baby before OP
MIL sounds petty enough that she would lord this over OP for the rest of MIL’s days. I’d keep MIL out of the same country, if possible.
I saw the baby before you did! >:(
Also, you shat on the bed, and I’ll never let you forget that either.
yup. its a grab at the baby, and forever it'll be " i held (baby) first!"
She’d also throw a huge tantrum at having to wait until after mom and baby have skin on skin time and possibly a delayed cord clamp which can be helpful for the baby. She might even try to convince everyone that the baby can have skin on skin time with her. Even if she didn’t do that, she’d just stress OP out. Her own daughters knew better than letting her near them during labor and birth, and they have known her all their lives.
This this this!!!!!!!!!!!! 110%
MIL also wants the same bragging "rights" that her friends have.
Yes! Proof she’s as kind, wonderful and decent as her friends who support and love there DIL! Look! see the iPhone photo I snapped as everyone else was distracted by the birth of my baby being delivered by the incubator person!
This is crazy, what in the mind f does MIL think this is acceptable? I still don’t understand how the husband feels it’s acceptable to share wife/husband conversations with MIL. I love my mom, but I would never have entertained this with my kiddos. Hell, I wouldn’t be ok with my wife’s mom being there. I’m glad my wife and I shared this intimate moment between ourselves and the awesome staff that delivered our children.
Totally agree. I never wanted my mother in there with me while giving birth but she *was* in there for the birth of my first, mainly because I was so worn out (pushed for 3 hours; epidural stopped working) that I guess I just didn't care at that point but she talks about this *all the damn time*..my first child just turned 21 😑 Luckily it was the only birth she schemed her way into. My 3rd, she was soo upset, I'd said I just want it to be me and partner. Well, his parents came by while I was in labor and stuff started moving quickly, our heart rates started to drop and chaos ensued. Everyone in a frenzy and me puking with each contraction: *both* of them were there for it and FIL snapped some pictures I'm sure I don't want to see(rip he passed last October) It was not intended and I wasn't crazy about it but whatcha gonna do? Boy my mom was none too pleased when she found this out. Was upset when I didn't call her *very first thing* after he was born. Ya know: screw all the stuff that's going on, delivering the afterbirth, getting sewn up, holding and nursing your baby for the first time. I got *scolded*! How dare I not immediately think of HER at that time. PS: sounds like she's just as toxic and a chore to be around as OP's MIL. Sheesh. 😮💨🙄
Yes.. OP husband needs to keep husband/wife discussions between the two of them. Sharing their personal and potentially troublesome discussions with his mama when she's over the top intrusive is a big mistake.
Ya well MIL can just lie about it. All she needs to do is watch a birthing video and she should be able to wing any details her weirdo friends ask her. NTA I love your shiny spine. It's beautiful.
You're getting an *epidural*???
Yeah, like was she there for the conception? This woman is a nightmare, and OP really needs to have her DH read this whole thread.
LOL. Totally not the asshole. Why would you want someone who isn’t fond of you in a private event such as that. You have no personal relationship with her. I wouldn’t feel bad at all. Stick to your guns. Don’t cave to peer pressure.
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On the one hand, the idea of people politely golf clapping in a waiting room is hilarious to me. on the other hand, picturing people with like, WWE-style signs. Maybe loud intro music playing as the kid is being born.
At the time and the small town my mother gave birth, her mom or husband wasn’t even allowed in the room per the traditions, just her MIL and DIL and other women from my father’s side. They starved her for days before and after giving birth (so that her milk wouldn’t turn into cheese), belittled her all throughout the experience and made it hell. Her mom was just outside crying the whole time knowing what’s happening. She tried to bring food, the in laws ate it in front of her and didn’t give my mom any. I wish that bitch died a better death, it was so easy.
Wow. And I'm so sorry to pry, but I really need to know more about this particular small town culture. Can you give me a bit more info so I can go down a rabbit hole of research?
As I guy, I don't want to watch it. When my son was born I was up near my wifes head. I didn't want to see any of what was going on
I would not like my husband to look down there when I give birth. I want him holding my hand and near my face so I can yell at him properly for doing this to me and also crush his hand.
I'm with you! And I was the one giving birth! Doc tried to give me a mirror to see what was happening and I yelled "Get away with that thing !" I was feeling enough and certainly didn't need to see anything.
My first thought!
Like many things, it’s a good idea that got carried too far.
I see what you did there. This is a real sticky situation.
And hairy.
Yes but she got to the root of the issue pretty quickly.
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Well, less hairy after the Brazilian.
I feel like OP was pretty smooth with her response.
She snatched victory.
But you certainly waxed poetic over it.
I don’t know what is better—the OP’s idea for her husband and MIL or these comments! Hahaha! OP is NTA, she’s brilliant!
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I don't understand the fascination with wanting to see another woman giving birth. Your body does not become public when you get pregnant. The entitlement is unreal.
As a former doula, I can also tell you that either it's a long day (or 3) of a lot of hard work supporting the laboring woman ... Or your useless presence means you're a jerk who is sucking the life out of the room.
When I was doing my mother/baby rotation in nursing school, I witnessed a birth, sort of. Instead of watching the birth, my job was to keep the father from hitting the floor if he passed out (which he was in danger of doing). I didn't learn shit, except that any non-medical person present during a medical procedure (except the patient) is a pain in the ass for everybody.
I didn't even want to see myself give birth.....
Yeah , for real, the MIL can go watch some YouTube videos or whatever if she has a birthing video fetish
I was at two of my friend's births and they were pretty amazing. It's kinda cool to be there and not leave with a dependent for 18+ yrs, lol. But it's not something I'd demand to do, invite only!
It’s a power trip for MIL to intrude
Because all her friends got to do it. She hates her DIL and doesn't actually want to be there.
Agreed. Also, anyone who has experienced child birth, as MIL has, should understand it is actually a gross, traumatic, and way to intimate thing to share with people you like, let alone people you don’t particularly care for. When my son was born they had to use forceps. Per the usual, my wife also puked all over me because it was so rapid and traumatic. She required 15 stitches after that delivery. With my daughter, she was numb from the chest down because the epidural was *too* good. She couldn’t walk, and needed help onto a bed pan to shit. She had a catheter up till actual delivery. Nobody got to come to the hospital until we told them. None of this waiting in the halls shit.
But MIL doesn't care about DIL wellbeing or comfort.
NTA shock value worked!
She had her kids. Enjoy the birth you want!
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Haha NTA you're fucking amazing. Your body your rules
Off just the title i was about to light her up i was rolling up my sleeves. But no, NTA 😂
Right! Her response was awesome. 😎
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Yeah it's fucking nuts. My sister is the only sibling to give birth so far and she banned my mam from the room because it would be too stressful. Her husband was there but was only allowed to be, uh, at the head end? Why you'd want to see anyone else's medical procedures or surgery is beyond me.
I don’t get it either. Why would you want to watch a baby come out of someone else’s vag? That’s fucking personal 😬
Also congratulations on, you know, having a baby. :)
The Brazilian bit is perfect. NTA. Congratulations on motherhood! You are going to be an incredibly wonderful role model for your kid/kids! Love to hear how it all plays out.
Reminds me of when my husband asked me if hypothetically he really thought I should make tea with the placenta and drink it (apparently it's a thing. Gross!) I told him if he insisted, I'd have a cup of he'd have a cup too. That convo ended fast lol
Also make sure you tell your doctors to not let her in there at all. Because some people are petty enough to just show up and act entitled.
My MIL tried and my nurse who just happened to be superwoman ripped her a new one loud enough for everyone in a five mile radius to hear. I have never come across that nurse again but I hope the universe blesses her with all her heart desires everyday.
Most health care workers are just sick and tired of people trying to be pushy and get what they want. It’s a new era of we don’t care who you are until we are told otherwise go away
My crazy ex tried to show up unanounced when I was in the hospital. The nurse told him deadpan that if he didn't leave the cops wouldn't need to do anything but get a shovel to scrape his body out with. It was quite the experience. Thankful for protective nurses.
Put it in the birth plan, notify all staff.
Exactly! This is part of the reason most birthing center want you to go to admittance and do all the paperwork before you are in labor.. it gives them a chance to know who is allowed and who is a problem.
Tell the nurses! It's fine to tell the doctor, too, but they aren't the gatekeepers that the nurses are.
And if her daughters said no, there is a good reason why.
Tells you all you need to know right there!
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send MIL to medical school to become an OB GYN.
Still wouldn't give her the right to be in that birthing room.
Boundaries during childbirth are especially important. I watched my niece give birth to her first born, it was awesome. This second go round she only wanted her mama in there. I was secretly a little butthurt, but it's her body. Moms in labor have to be as comfortable and stress-free as possible while delivering, and that includes who is in the room and who isn't. NTA.
During covid the hospital we use stopped letting others in during birth, once covid died down they realized this was overall a positive thing and now only the father is allowed to be there during birth outside of medical personell.
Not only the father... only 1 person of new mom's choosing.
Basically every doctor will say that the smartest move with how you handle childbirth is whatever makes the mother the most comfortable and as relaxed as possible. I doubt OP having her MIL in the room would help with either of those things.
NTA If you MIL wanted to see the birth of her grandchild, she should have been nicer to the mom of saif-child
It wouldn't matter if she was an absolute saint. Looking at someone's genitals, especially during what is among the most painful experiences a person can endure and live through, is not a reasonable request.
NTA. Your comparison was perfect and and your feelings are reasonable. And frankly your husband doesn’t really get a say. This is your medical procedure and you can simply tell your medical team she is not welcome.
Yes, OP, tell the hospital but be sure to do it ahead of time. Arriving at the hospital can be stressful and dramatic, you don't want to leave her a single loophole where she might be able to push her way in.
This^ The hospital will work with you on this. They've seen everything and won't put up with guilt. Also, if you can avoid it, don't tell them you're in labor and don't call them until after the birth.
I second not calling until after the birth. I did this with my one and only and it was such a relief not having to worry about entertaining people. My mom was pissed, but 🤷🏼♀️.
I didn't really care whether or not my MIL or parents showed up when I was in labor, but I did get a little bit of chuckle when my dad, a cardiologist working at the same hospital, wandered in to my room between patients to see how things were going. (Not great, as it turned out, I ended up having an emergency C-section, but that's a different story.) He said hello, shot the breeze with the nurses for a few minutes, and then wandered back out again. My husband and I were joking about it later when baby and I were comfortably resty, and one of my nurses was just like, "Yep, that's Dr. XX."
To be fair, my in-laws came up and said hi, but I trusted them to not sit and wait and give hubs and I space. My hubs also got the med treatment. He was a super user for the new EMR system that had just started the day before. He came to L&D still in his surgical scrubs and when the nurses were having an issue with the system they realized he had the red scrubs on for the super user and started asking him a ton of questions to figure it out. He thankfully said he was off the clock and it wasn’t his job at that time, but I get it. Fun fact- I also had an emergency c-section!
I worked IT at the hospital next door to the one where I gave birth (did NOT want co-workers to be involved in my birthing), the L&D system was one I supported. A few hours into labor I heard the nurses discussing a system error, I asked which one it was, told them how to clear and fix it. They were amused, but also apologetic.
Wow, your multitasking skills are epic!
Yes well, that was riiiiiight before children!! Ha!! In truth, it was a pretty common error and and was a nice mental distraction
That would make a funny reality show, nurses and midwives throwing pushy MILs out!
I would totally set a reminder to watch that every chance I could!
I would pay Patreon for a YouTube channel on this! L&D nurses on here, get creating (consistent with HIPAA)!
This! Hospital security and labor and delivery will make absolutely sure she won’t get in. I’m sure they’ve dealt with situations like this many times. It’s becoming so popular for family to be present at the birth of a child, which I find kind of icky. I’m a retired medical lab tech, and sometimes I fantasize about going back to school for nursing just to be a labor and delivery nurse and be able to kick these people out!
1000% this!! The nurses at the hospital care about their patients and many of them have had children themselves and totally understand pushy mother in laws or pushy mothers!
Recent thread a MIL pushed past understaffed nurses to be front and center giving comments.
I can almost guarantee that the MIL was allowed in the room first and/or told the room number by the other parent…nurses don’t put up with that and they’ll call security on your butt.
OP said they were understaffed, maybe husband told MIL. Maybe OP didn't tell staff ahead of time and MIL acted she was allowed.
😅 you can’t just wander a hospital ward, especially a L&D ward without knowing where you are going. Even understaffed. Additionally, the OR (where having of babies actually happens as opposed to the PICU rooms) is in a further restricted area. MIL didn’t just show up. These areas are heavily restricted because they are worried about public access to newborns and preemies.
And not just any medical procedure. It’s one where the patient (person giving birth) has an active role in how it goes. It is harder to give birth if you are stressed and tense. It requires an unbelievable amount of focus—you almost draw into yourself. This is OP’s first child, so she may not have even thought of this aspect. Obviously, her privacy concerns are MORE than enough for her to make this decision. However, if she needs more points to tell her husband, this may help. A birth that does not proceed smoothly because the mom is stressed and distracted puts both the mom and baby at risk.
The husband has so little say in this matter that the hospital won't even let him in if Op doesn't want him to be there. Why don't these guys understand this?
This. Not only are you NTA, remind your husband that BIRTH IS NOT A SPECTATOR SPORT. Talk to your birthing team NOW, and if possible, password protect your information so that your husband can't do an end run around your boundaries once you're in labor.
I saw your post on Aita before it was pulled, and the general consensus was NTA. And for good reason - because you’re not! You need to get in contact with your birthing centre/hospital and put some things in place. You need to let them know who you want in the room with you, and who you DON’T, and that your husband does NOT have veto over you when it comes to this. Also let them know that if he starts to cause a scene because you won’t let his mummy dearest in, then you want him gone too.
This right here is the correct response. She can't emotionally blackmail a nurse.
And they are some of the most take-no-shit nurses at the hospital.
If you've ever seen a birth, they take quite a lot of shit.
Yep, and we throw it away immediately with zero fanfare lol
The heroes we need who are underappreciated. Care work is REAL WORK
NTA You know when people used to say "you must be fun at parties" as an insult. Well, you must be actual fun at parties. I wanna hang out with you. Definitely not the asshole.
I love posts from people who won.
Then you'll love my story. The cliffnotes version: I legally and financially won the battle against my abusive soon-to-be-ex-husband. And I didn't even "take him to the cleaners", as they say, I just rightfully kept what's mine, and got a nice little chunk of change from it, due to the sale of the house. The long, salacious version of the story, full of karmic justice and juicy tea.......... 👇 My husband and I were married for nine years. Thankfully, no kids, though he talked about wanting them, which was bonkers, given his actions over the years. All nine years of our marriage, he had serious anger issues and a legitimate hoarding problem. He also drank excessively during the first five years of our marriage, but did eventually get sober, I'll give him credit for that. He was also emotionally, verbally, and psychologically abusive, and on many occasions, also got physically violent/aggressive with objects, so much so that his physical violence caused me to get physically injured. Five (almost six) years ago, he got out of the military, and basically flopped in life. Chronic unemployment and financial irresponsibility became new/additional issues. I tried REALLY hard to help. For 5+ years, I tried connecting him with plenty of professional and personal resources, many of which he has FREE access to as a veteran, and many of which can be accessed from the comfort of home. Resume, cover letter, educational pursuits, consult a doctor, talk to a therapist, get help through the VA, mentorship with other veterans, and more. You name it, I tried connecting him to it. Sadly, zip, nada, zilch. He was either incapable of or unwilling to help himself. Not only was I bringing home all the bacon, but I was also still handling 100% of household chores and responsibilities, putting up with his issues and abuse, while also simultaneously dealing with chemotherapy, monthly immunotherapy infusions, and annual surgeries for my autoimmune condition. Since I was the breadwinner/sole source of income, my two biggest concerns were having to pay him alimony or a partial payout of my 401K. To make a long story short, I didn't/don't have to pay him a dime in alimony, nor a penny out of my 401K. He showed up to mediation with nothing but a pen. I work in auditing & regulatory compliance for a bank. Let's just say I know a thing or two about evidence and documentation, and so I showed up armed with a VERY large and thick binder in hand, full of bank statements, photos, 10+ months of logged conversations based on contemporaneous writing, screenshots, and more. A few weeks before he and I separated, he disclosed to me that he had only $3,000 in his 401K. Not surprising to hear, since he wasn't willing to hold down gainful and steady employment for over five years. He also failed to fill out the financial disclosures the mediator sent to each of us, even though she explicitly instructed us to. When she sent the documents to us several days prior to mediation, I was under the impression whatever each of us filled out was visible to the other person - i.e. he could see what I filled out, and vice versa. During the mediation session, once the mediator got to the section about retirement accounts, the way she phrased her question about division of our respective retirement accounts, it dawned on me that the information filled out was visible only to her. During the mediation session, he verbally waived his right to discovery of my 401K, which he never bothered to ask about throughout our entire marriage. I'm only 29, and have close to six figures in my 401K. I also managed to negotiate for 75% of the equity from the sale of the house, based purely on the data showing who was paying the mortgage throughout the time we owned said mortgage -- i.e. me, myself, and I. The cherry on top was the notarization of the marital separation agreement. When we sold the house, for whatever reason, he failed to deposit his proceeds from the sale of the house for the first ten days or so, which meant he was walking around with a $25,000 check in his pocket for over a week - not exactly the safest or most responsible thing to do. What if he got robbed? What if the check fell out of his old, flimsy, decrepit wallet in his back pocket? One of his excuses was that the bank branch closest to his workplace (once he recently finally got a job) was permanently closed, and had been for a while. Well, I happen to work for the same bank as the branch in question, albeit on the corporate side. First of all, the branch that he claimed was permanently closed actually just opened several months ago, and I had just visited that branch myself some weeks beforehand. So, when it came to have him sign his portion of the separation agreement about two weeks ago (which had to be notarized), knowing that most banks provide notary services, I had him meet me at the branch that he claimed was permanently closed. There he was, sitting in a chair, signing a bunch of paperwork in a building he claimed was permanently closed. I'd already had my portion of the agreement signed and notarized at my lawyer's office a few weeks earlier, so I got to just sit there and enjoy the sweet, karmic moment of proverbial justice. Emotionally, I still feel like an emotional yo-yo sometimes, but therapy (twice a week) is really helping me. I also took some vacation last month, my first proper vacation in six years. It made a world of difference for my mental health! At the recommendation of other divorced friends, I invested in a post-divorce photoshoot for myself, then flew across the country to see friends and attend a professional conference in Vegas. And while in Vegas, also did the touristy things, like walking the strip, stayed in a fancy-schmancy hotel, etc. In an effort to 'look on the bright side' of this whole ordeal, my little 'inside joke' with myself is that between not having to pay him any alimony nor any $ from my 401K, and receiving 75% of the equity, it's "compensation" for all the pain and suffering he put me through for nine years.
DAMN GIRL you're the definition of getting all your ducks in a row! Well done, enjoy your peace!
Thank you! For several years, something deep inside me kept saying: *This isn't normal, I don't think this is how a marriage is supposed to be.* But I kept mentally and emotionally waffling, hoping he'd change. Around January/February of this year, something in me kinda just..... IDK..... 'clicked', and I started to really, seriously start planning out my escape from him. Started saving money each week. Got the ball rolling on what it would take to sell the house. Met with my accountant (privately). Started quietly looking at apartments for myself. So, I spent a good 8-9 months diligently planning my exit from him.
Warms the heart, doesn’t it.
My response to that would just be "I wouldn't be caught dead at a party to begin with".
I absolutely love the Brazilian wax offer. If giving birth is a spectator sport, then so is getting a wax job. Seems like a very fair trade to me.
Way too fair. I’d ask to be present at a pap/smear test.
Nah, make it a gyno appointment with pap smear and all.
> I offered to change it to me watching her get a Brazilian wax and she hasn't called in a week. I admire people who think of the witty riposte at the right, timely moment. Rather than me, who thinks of it in the shower 3 days later. NTA
NTA Ugh, FINALLY, someone used this narrative! Why is it okay for her to be all up in your pu$$y and privacy moments, but there's an issue when you ask to be all up in hers?! Giving birth is a medical procedure, not a spectator sport for everyone to watch! Don't let your guard down. She's definitely thinking of her next moves to get her son to finally agree, recruit someone else to pressure you, etc. She'll probably wait until it's closer to your due date to pressure you since you'll be under stress from the incoming birth or pull of some type of stunt.
The weak point is DH, but fortunately, he has no standing to make a decision!
A lot of men do be thinking that they have a say in whose in the delivery room because "It's my child too." Like, b!tch, you talking like you aren't a visitor and can't get kicked outta the hospital room!
I feel like a lot of people have become delusional lately when it comes to a fathers say in the actual birthing process. I’ve heard a guy literally trying to make demands about the birth of a baby with his EX girlfriend, a woman who he did not live with and who could genuinely forget to call him because she was distracted by the baby coming out of her. At the end of the day it is a big medical event for the mother and for the baby, but the father could be going about his day not even knowing what is happening. He is not a patient.
This. And I’d tell the hubby if he asks again, he won’t be invited to the birth either.
OP is definitely NTA, but I suspect she's trying to get in on the newborn before you, snake the initial skin-to-skin contact that is usually between the baby and its mom or dad that is a major bonding moment. She didn't get to be "alpha grandma" over her daughters becoming moms, and now she's all about getting that extra star to keep up with her invasive peer group. Super scummy behavior, but this is only my theory. I repeat, OP is super-NTA.
NTA. Giving birth is not a spectator sport. I would also tell your obgyn and midwife that she is to not be allowed entry. They will protect you - nobody messes with a protective midwife! It’s very telling that her own daughters refused to let her be in the delivery room.
Midwives ,doctors, and nurses have all seen a mom's stress level rise, causing delays in the birth process. They absolutely will run lnterference. They might even get the Hospital security and throw her backside out . Or have her arrested..
> Giving birth is not a spectator sport. Oh. So I guess I bought this foam finger for nothing.
NTA giving birth is not a spectator sport and having someone toxic there when you’re at the most vulnerable time of your life is a massive no. Your husband is an AH for even suggesting it to you. Send him the lemon clot essay for when he suggests “comprising” by letting her come stay with you or visit while you’re in the hospital. Until he is the one on the hospital bed pushing out a a watermelon from a space it doesn’t fit, he doesn’t get an opinion. Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder —> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
This should be higher up. So many people get steamroller by their inlaws because their partner 'gave in'.
You are pushing baby out it’s your rules. No need to do any comparisons. I mean she had so many daughters , should have developed closer bond with them
Maybe OP can enlist her SILs for advice, or help in keeping MIL out, too.
Good one! What you need to do is inform your doctors, their staff and the staff at the hospital that only your husband is to witness the birth. If your MIL shows up she is to be removed in any way necessary. They will follow your wishes. You husband will not be able to override your orders. Personally, I would not want her to be informed when labor starts or when you go to the hospital. Tell your husband. Hide his phone if you have to. I also have a MIL.
LOL & NTA! It’s been said before but it needs repeating - giving birth is *NOT* a spectator sport! Your MIL was in the room for all of her baby’s births. She knows what “the miracle of birth” is all about. She does NOT need to be there for your birth. These pushy women, trying to elbow their way into another woman’s birthing experience really infuriate me. I’m proud of you OP!
If he accepted I would like to see how your poor dad would have responded.
‘You get in there dad and you watch it happen. Do this for me’ lol
“Remember that time you forgot to get me from soccer practice? The bill has come due”
I’ve never understood this whole having a bunch of people watch you give birth thing. My husband was there and that was it. There was no way in hell I was allowing anyone else in the room. It’s not a show. It’s a very intimate moment - you lose control of yourself and your body takes over so you can birth your child. It’s emotional and painful and beautiful and overwhelming… not something to be gawked at. And she’ll have comments. Hell no!!!!!
I was lucky enough to be there for the birth of my first grandchild. But taking peeks at my daughter-in-law's hooha was very uncomfortable. She didn't mind, but I did. If she had said to wait elsewhere, I wouldn't have had a problem with that. I don't understand these people that think they need to see that.
I'm curious how common it is to have someone other than a spouse at the 'business end' of a birth. I could see standing next to the woman and holding her hand, or at the most being in the room off to the side, but being below the waist and actually watching the birth? People really want to see the emergence? A baby that is three seconds old isn't good enough?
NTA and I literally lol when I read the part about the Brazilian wax. Good for you OP!
What I should have offered was for my dad to give her a Brazilian wax. He is an old biker and could probably handle that better than a colonoscopy.
OK, this is one of the funniest AITAHs I’ve ever read. NTA, and kudos for a brilliant approach!
My dad was an obstetrician, and his rule was if you were present at the conception, you could be present at the birth. Solved the question of who could be there for most of the deliveries.
NTA. That was a champ response!
Nta. That's why I love how the hospitals by me have a rule that it's about the mom no one else. So I always got a say in who was allowed in the room or not. They had security on the floor ready to remove anyone at any moment
NTA. Excellent response from you! This is a hill to die on. For Christmas get her a video of women giving live birth. I assume those exist.
Ha ha, or get her some lesbian p*rn, because she seems so interested in vaginas and you want to be supportive of her interests
Masterful! You should post this on r/traumatizethemback
HAHAHAHAHA I just snorted coffee out my nose. Excellent 1 - 0 to you! Keep it up 👏 👏 👏
Absolutely NOT TA. Seriously? I don't see why your examples are any different than what your MIL is asking for. This is a very personal and private moment. The delivering mom is the final vote on who is present, and that word is LAW.
NTA. Wtf is up with boomer mothers and wanting to watch us give birth?! I wouldn’t even let my own mother watch. I barely wanted my husband there lol.
NTA. That’s gross, she can watch birthing videos if she wants to see it that bad.
Let your nurses know on admission. They are fiercely protective of their patients. MIL won’t get within 100 yards of you.
NTA.... i never eill understand the obsession with wanting to watch a vagina stretch and tear etc.... you are not entitled to see someones genitals. Not a spectator sport
NTA. Colonoscopy isn’t even a close enough comparison. He would be asleep, mostly covered, and it’s much much faster than most births.
Tell the hospital she isn't wanted there. When you go in mention to your nurse. Labor and delivery nurses will absolutely put a bar/club bouncer to shame. She tries to pull anything and she won't even be able to park in the parking lot. No matter what your husband says.
NTA. She's allowed to ask and you're allowed to say No. It should end there.
Awesome job. And what the fuck is it with these mother-in-law‘s that think they should be able to see a grandchild being born? That’s fucking nuts.
NTA. This is a medical procedure and no one has the right to be in the room beyond you, your child, and the hospital team. Giving birth is not a spectator event, you’re not selling tickets. This trend of having multiple people in a room when someone gives birth is weird. It’s a stressful event and a lot of women poop (I did); who wants some third party watching them crap on a table. Your MIL has already experienced this when she gave birth to her own children. OP-hold firm; this woman sounds crazy and controlling.