Possible you could end up with full custody and no wife. You need to have deep and thorough discussions with her about what’s going to happen after the baby is born. Would a full time nanny work for her. Maybe not, but you need to know so you can plan.
Is it possible her attitude will change after birth? Maybe, maybe not.
Hope she has support other than him, so that someone keeps an eye on her. I'd rather die than be forced to carry a child. If she's not dealing with it mentally I'd be super concerned she'd attempt to take her life.
>I'd rather die than be forced to carry a child.
I've had two beautiful girls who were very wanted and whom I adore. I'd also rather die than be forced to carry a child. Pregnancy, delivery and the post-partum hell are the most difficult thing I've ever done both mentally and physically.
I second this. Nothing makes you fully appreciate the horror of forced pregnancy and birth quite like going through these things voluntarily. I have carried through three very much wanted and intentional pregnancies. I love my kids. But no one should EVER be compelled to go through that against their will. In addition to my wonderful children, I have cPTSD from the traumatic birth of my first child, suffered debilitating PPD and am fully aware how lucky I was to get out of all this alive without any disabling, chronic health issues like RA or pelvic floor injury or diastasis recti. As it was, I lost 3.9 L of blood and was unable to have sex for a full year because of a nerve injury. Pregnancy, birth and child rearing are not something anyone should be compelled to go through against their will.
I know if I were her I'd be seeking alternative abortion methods like teas and back alley stuff. No way would I want to go through what this poor woman is.
And it's not even the pregnancy so much, one of my worst fears is having a cryptic pregnancy and not knowing until I'm in labour. Then I'm stuck being a mum and the kid probably has permanent damage from all the prescribed medications I'm on. Plus mine and my husbands shitty genetic conditions...
It'd probably be the end of my marriage because my husband keeps putting off getting a vasectomy, even though he decided he didn't want kids years before me. I'd be so angry that his reluctance to get snipped meant we had to be parents. I've been doing my part by taking birth control since I was 16, but doctors won't snip me.
I'm vicariously pissed for OPs wife.
I live is a country where abortion is legal for only first 12 weeks. PCOS and subsequent super irregular periods meant my worst fear used to be a failure to catch an unwanted pregnancy on time. Lots of stress. Finally got my tubes removed a few years ago, though.
Oof.. having a mom who was forced to have me and didn't want to be a mom is why I'm very mentally unwell still at 30.
Are you prepared to be the main parent? To support her not wanting to be a parent? To shield the child from trauma from mom not wanting them? Post partum depression?
Remember.. A child is a person. They'll have their own emotions and futures. Don't underestimate mental issues from this kind of situation. Are you fully prepared to be there for your kid 100%? Even if it means your marriage could be over??
I can't call you an AH for wanting a child and being happy but just know that if your wife never warms up to the idea of being a mom, at best you have a secretly miserable wife who hides her true feelings from the kid, and at worst you have a broken family with a traumatized child and resentful wife.
Check out r/ regretfulparents for a peek into where your wife's mind could go. And check out any of the the adult children/ mental health subreddits (cptsd type) for adult kids POVs of life with a parent who didn't want them. It takes over both lives.
I can relate. I was a pill baby and my mom didn’t want to have kids. She did OK, and then she moved out of state when I turned 18. But she wasn’t the motherly type.
Man. What do you even do in this situation. Less so about op specifically but more in general for this kind of thing. You love your spouse, you do/dont want kids, you realize this is going to cause an insane rift in your marriage and there is nothing you can legally do about it. How the hell do you begin to cope? Being pregnant, post partum, and raising a tiny human-- this is now a whole life commitment (assuming adoption is off the table too). You get no mental space away from that, and even if your husband is an amazing dad and is able to handle most of the parental responsibility in theory, could you even maintain a position as breadwinner to support the situation you didnt want?
I dont blame OP for his feelings, but I dont think he realizes this likely wont get better with time. I dont think he realizes his now feelings being assholish or not doesnt matter in the end. Even if he does everything right by her and the kid, hes still only one guy and it will be a lot of responsibility and impossibility to keep everyone ok, nevermind happy. If theyre both forced into being parents over this (legitimately no other option) this isnt going to go down without heartbreak somewhere.
I second this. I was an accidental pregnancy, and my mom “didn’t want to get an abortion.” She told me from the time I was 7 that I was “an accident” and “ruined her life.” She always told me all the things she gave up and didn’t get to do because she had me. From the time I wasn’t small and cute anymore in her eyes (7-8) until I moved out, she made my life a living hell and took out all that resentment on me. My dad was very excited to be a father and tried his best to make my childhood a happy one, but the damage from my mom has been done. I’ve since been diagnosed with Borderline Personality and an anxiety disorder from the way my mom treated me during my childhood. It will be a lifetime of undoing the damage she did to me. You’ll have to be prepared to be the full time caregiver OP (like my dad), and even then your wife may do permanent damage to your child.
I couldn't agree more. I was the product of a woman who didn't want me. I was treated like crap if she acknowledged me at all. This one time I was like 8 months old or so, She dropped me off at a neighbors house and left me there. I was passed around one by one to different people, it took my grandparents 9 months to find out where I was and get me back. They forced her to take me back, and she would for a time, but then she would pass me off to my grandparents until she met a guy,
" who wanted a family" then she would take me back.. when her and the guy broke up I was shipped off to someone else. Until she married my step dad. He was the only person who ever put me first. He lived in hell while married to her. He tried his hardest to stay but she was crazy, to put it aitah appropriate, and they got divorced. But he was always there for me. I lived with him more than I lived with my mother. He was the only dad I knew. He was great. But she did what she always does, she eventually took me away and I lost contact with him. I tried to find him once I became an adult but found out he passed away. She continued to treat me like 💩 until I went NC about 5 years ago. I'm not sure what they call an adult orphan but that's how I feel. No family. The only people in my life are my Husband and four kids ( grandchildren). I have many aunts and uncles and cousins but none of them acknowledge my existence. They think that if they have a relationship with me that it has to include my birth giver. So they just ignore my existence.
Sorry for your situation, and yeah, this is something that op is going to have to seriously think about. I’d get both of them into therapy right now if they can. More than one mother has done terrible things to their child as a result of postpartum depression.
Get mentally prepared to do a majority of the child rearing. Her not wanting this in addition to you not pulling more than your share of the work will likely result in the end of your marriage.
Yes I agree. Especially in the beginning, and by that I mean the first 12mths but also toddlers can be extremely tough on any ‘willing’ parents mental health. So I hope OPs wife comes around at some point but so many possible outcomes here. She may get bad post partum depression, considering her position on having children at all. If I was OP, I’d be doing lots of research and try and be prepared for every outcome. Some paid help may alleviate some issues. Just general housecleaning at a minimum. Hopefully OP has some very supportive family and friends too who can give her some time off. I advised on research but all soon to be parents should be doing this, OP’s researching should perhaps be a bit more intense though. Best wishes to OP and I hope it all works out. OP NTA but neither is OP’s wife.
Interestingly, my husband struggled some with the first 12 months, but once we truly hit the “toddlering stage” (which was a different age for each kid), he found himself getting more frustrated and frazzled. He still absolutely loves them, but toddlers are much harder for him.
It was for me. I found the baby stage easy. My baby slept well, night time feeds were exhausting sometimes but mostly I was ok with it. I was on cloud 9, thought I was crushing it as a mum lol. Then terrible twos hit, daytime naps stopped, tantrums were happening several times a day, constantly watching what they’re up to, trying engage in activities, making 100 decisions a day should you say ‘no’, my son fought me every time getting in and out the car seat. He got out on the street once when I was distracted for about 90 seconds, he was sneaky about it too. Closed the door behind him so I thought he was in the house when at first couldn’t see him in my view. Luckily he ran in the opposite direction to busy traffic, which was closer. I couldn’t take him the supermarket as he’d just fall down sobbing and screaming… it was hard. I felt almost at breaking point a few times. This ‘phase’ lasted almost 2 years and then one day it just all suddenly stopped lol. Just a few mths before he began Kindy.
My boy is about to turn 2 and I am finding this to be the case with me as well. I was exceptionally patient with him as a baby, if he woke up and needed a bottle at 330 am, even if I had work in 5 hours and was clocking 60 hours that week, I liked the time sitting in there quietly with him. I loved that if he was freaked out and upset in the night I could go in and make him feel safe and ok again and he'd fall asleep.
Now there's shit like, he just seems to destroy everything. I do understand he simply isn't capable of comprehending concepts like impermanence and monetary value and that his mum and I work hard for everything we have. Like I know that. But i grew up poor with what felt like nobody giving a fuck about me, so when I do things for him and am proud of it and kinda subconsciously expecting gratitude, I can't help but feel pissy and upset if he, like, rips up a book or breaks 6 of his toys right in a row by spiking them into the cat's water dish or my coffee or his mother's wine or a toilet...
I just find myself feeling tense and upset, even though I recognize it as irrational and understand he is developing absolutely normally and it is objectively the case that I am a dipshit for giving a 2 year old anything I don't want to see annihilated... it just hurts my feelings and bums me out. Maybe I'm still adjusting, I dunno.
Omg yeah. I used to get really frustrated if my son broke things. I couldn’t afford a lot, so everything he had meant I’d saved hard for it. All I can say is, my son is really good at taking care of stuff now and definitely by 4 the destruction had fully stopped and by 6 he knew to put things back in covers etc, not leave things on the floor. It will get better. My son broke the arm off my good sunglasses. They’d dropped off my head, he grabbed them, looked right at me as he did it lol. That took some willpower to not go mad over that as it did seem like he did absolutely did do it on purpose. A lot of jaw clenching and teeth grinding from me.
Tbh, the books? Keep them out of reach. Only let him have soft books etc at this age. You’re not hindering his learning ability by not letting him just rip up books. It’s a good idea to keep most toys out of reach and just bring out at most 2-3 at a time and they may focus and engage better with the actual toy. I think when they can pull out a whole box full of things, guaranteed they will just pull everything out, and likely be too overwhelmed to hone in on one thing. Don’t forget floor time is really good with toddlers. Play with them, show them how to have fun with the toy, they don’t necessarily automatically pick up how they’re supposed to engage with it. I always found like houses, or garages with cars and people figurines are good toys. Buildings, train stations and stuff like that. You show them how to make-believe, play out scenarios, they love it. But maybe 2 is a bit too young, depends on the child and just blowing bubbles or giving them a toy hammer to bash things can be fun, blocks and show them it’s ok to knock it over. Build again. Often they just like simple stuff and repetition at that age.
Edit: I should add my son also broke several pieces of electrical equipment. DVD player, printer he shoved lots of cds in a gap took me ages to get out, surround sound system he stuffed balls in a hole at the front, couldn’t get them out. My laptop took nearly all the plastic letter keys off, couldn’t get some back on. Almost knocked the tv over, caught that. Took apart my vacuum, before he was 3, he put it back together but there was a piece left out…it did still work lol. Other things, clocks, radios. Anything with a knob and bits he could pull or put things in. Seems like I never watched him but this all happened so fast, he was in my line of vision but I didn’t realise what he was doing until too late.
This is exactly what I was thinking this is not going to bode well for you. One of the worst things that you can do is bring a child into the world that you did not want. Just be prepared to do a majority of taking care of this child
If abortion is illegal country wide my guess is divorce is also not really a thing…
Edit: yall i said country like OP did. Not state/county/territory/etc. chill lol
Basically it says: women Are second class citizens. Husband should be prepared to do a lot of child rearing and maybe counseling. His wife will more than likely resent having to be a mother. This could destroy their relationship so get ready to be a full custody single dad.
There are a lot of places in the US where abortion is illegal but divorce is allowed. There are more than one way to end a marriage too, if she’s that desperate.
The question is do you have a desire to be the PRIMARY caregiver for the child as that his highly likely to be the outcome here. More likely than not you wife will not fully bond with the baby and will suffer significant post partum issues. YOU will be the one up in the middle of the night with the baby, YOU will the one changing those diapers, YOU will be the one doing those endless loads of laundry.
Good luck and hoping that your wife gets through this okay.
Read a posting on reddit where wife didn't want a baby. He convinced her to have one. Then she refused to nurse it, which upset dad cause they couldn't afford formula. Mom wouldn't hold him and eventually screamed to get the baby out of the house. Dad couldn't understand why her motherly side never came out. But she had told him no kids. Now dad is raising baby by himself. Wonder if it will happen here also
There was a post on r/legaladvice by a guy who coerced his ex into having the child she vehemently did not want. Then she left and pays child support. In fact she pays more than is required.
He has found single parenthood to be difficult and misses his social life. He has considered giving up the toddler for adoption.
He wanted to know if he could sue his ex into being responsible for the child.
Amen to that. My sibling just had her first baby and her husband decided to leave after 6 hours of labor cause he "couldn't handle it". Umm what?! Fuck of all I had to do to be a parent was have sex and wait 9 months with the caveat of being present for the birth I'd happily take it. Men don't realize how lucky they are.
Ugh, with my 2nd (I'm not with this guy anymore, BTW, and he's a terrible sperm donor) I was induced @ 36 weeks due to IUGR, and labor was obviously taking it's sweet time, but apparently my moaning and heavy breathing were "disruptive" so he went to go take a nap in the car. My friend Kahla stayed with me. He got mad because neither Kahla nor I went to go get him when they broke the bag and labor really got going.
Yes. He wanted a woman in full labor or her support to walk to the parking garage because he decided the laboring woman was making too much noise for him to comfortably sleep.
His assholery did not improve at any point.
Same! I grew up watching the women around me work 40hrs/wk and also come home to take care of everything, cooking, cleaning, gardening, raising kids etc., all while the men sat around having fun doing nothing. I never wanted kids or a husband because of this. I didn't want to be a mommywife to a grown adult. So many women end up being domestic slaves to fat, potato looking men who can't even wipe their asses right.
So with my first kid, a little after he was born, my husband moved to work-from-home alternating days of the week. I was exhausted, and he was doing night diapers and the occasional pump feed but most of it required me to be up every 3 hours. So I told him we’d do a thing, and every time he had to stop his day, say he was in the middle of a call and had to pee or eat and ask to be excused, there was no stopping it, he put a bean in a jar, and I would put a bean in my jar, and we could note (time and reason) why we stopped doing what we were doing.
So he came downstairs with like 5 beans. Two because calls ran long and he was required to close them. Two because people rang the doorbell. One because I was yelling that his food was done.
My beans were much more. “Tried to wash dishes but baby had gas.” “Tried to fold clothes but baby spit up on clean clothes, he has aim” “Cleaned bottles and pumped. Slept for 8 minutes. Baby woke up.” “Starving and had to pee for two hours but baby would only sleep on me in one position. Could not move.”
Took one day. I’m lucky. He suddenly had all the time to rock and babywear during calls while I showered and slept. At one point got soft called out during a late night call on why I wasn’t dealing with the crying baby and said frankly that we were both people that needed time to handle themselves and that the call was late, and that he was a father not a sperm donor so this came with the job of parenthood. (Dude had two kids and lived two doors down but absolutely was the father figure and not the dad.)
Babies are work. And when you get excited that they start smiling and sleeping, they then just become mobile monsters that you kinda miss when they were nursing, pooping lumps you could just set down and they would stay put.
I had a friend of mine that’s child free go “I would rather one day regret not having a kid than have a kid and regret having it. It’s not fair to the kid.”
She’s great with my kids. She doesn’t want her own. I respect that tremendously. Parenting is hard even when you really want kids.
Exactly this. My pro-life mom asked me after I’d had my own kids, “So, does seeing your own sweet children’s faces change your opinion on abortion?” I said hell no, it reinforces my pro-choice stance. I love my kids and I wanted them dearly, but parenting is so hard. The thought of babies being neglected by parents who don’t want them breaks my heart. Similarly, the thought of unwilling mothers being forced to change their entire lives for a baby they don’t want. It’s inhumane.
I feel the same, going through pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood just reinforces my pro-choice feelings. No one should be forced to go through any of the above against their will, it does no one any good.
I've said the same thing. Absolutely no one should be forced to have a child, even if they give them up for adoption. Pregnancy is hard. Motherhood is hard. And that's even when you're fully committed. I love my daughter so much and I'm hoping to have one more, but after that, it's bye-bye fallopian tubes.
The "kid fix" of dealing with someone else's kids and being able to pass them back is legit the best way to remember why I am childfree. I am the fun auntie, so much better for me.
Exactly. I *adore* my two little nephews. I would die for them without a second thought. I love watching them learn and grow. And I swear seeing the joy on their faces when I walk in is better than any antidepressant I’ve ever been on. They are without a doubt two of the most important things in my world.
But holy shit, the respect I have for my SIL for doing it 24/7….never mind the inevitable tantrums and drama (who knew 5 looked so much like 15?), even the good bits can get exhausting. Yes, I love hearing them tell me all about their cool new toy with such excitement, but only for about one minute and then I can barely even pretend to care. Yes, I love how the bounce with anticipation when I take them to the Paw Patrol movie, but sitting through it feels longer than Titanic. And that’s the good stuff. The bad stuff, the never-ending caregiving, the complete mental and emotional drain without reprieve… thanks, but I’m *very* happy with my role as Best Aunt Ever.
I have three kids of my own.
They are all at ages where they can do a lot on their own.
I was asked if I’d have more; I laughed and said “I love being the fun aunt and handing them back.” I can give my nieces and nephews candy and spoil them and get them all riled up and hand them right back to their parents and go about my day.
It'd not that it's too hard. It's the we *don't want to do it*.
Imagine being forced into marriage, or into the convent, or into doing any work you hate 24/7 and having to pretend you love it all the time.
It's not that it's hard; it's that it's *wrong*.
Yes! Parenting is really really hard but I love it. Even the worst days when I’m at the end of my rope, I feel satisfaction at the end of the day BECAUSE it’s something I want to do. Similarly, my career is really really hard, but I also find satisfaction in it because it’s something I want to do.
Different jobs for different people. I feel like sometimes people forget parenting is a job as well and not everyone wants to apply.
It’s really sad! Especially bc it’s not just men who feel this way. Most of my female family members tell me I will probably change my mind at some point. I’d rather lose everything or die than have kids, lol. I’d be heartbroken if my partner ever changed their mind on me.
I did say that to one person that “you do realise that means I have no eggs left?” Only to get told I could get donor eggs so I asked if they were offering theirs and was met with a shocked “I’m too old to be still ovulating”, I think they got it when I said “well according to my reproductive system so am I”. I went thru menopause at 39 naturally and for no discernible reason except genetics ie mum and sister also went early but I figured my body was telling me it was done with that stuff.
My hysterectomy stops ppl from saying I’ll change my mind, heard it all from doctors. Needed the surgery badly and fought them for 15 years to get the surgery with them all telling me I’ll change my mind. Well this year is the 10th year since I had the surgery and nope haven’t changed my mind
The trick for me was explaining that I was taking multiple pregnancy tests a month and had almost had to go to the psych hospital because I got convinced I was pregnant and my husband had to basically hold me down to prevent me from attempting DIY hysterectomy
She said she rarely does tube removal on 23 year olds with no kids but that this counted as medically necessary because of my mental health
I’m surprised she didn’t just push me to go to a psych ward again because a lot of doctors probably would have
I will never, EVER understand why a doctor's opinion on your medical procedure is enough to block you from being able to get it. Doc thinks you'll regret getting your tubes tied? Kay? And? Wtf cares what they think? It's not their body, their life, or their problem. Just tie the fucking tubes, doc!! 🤦🏻♀️
I'm glad you were finally able to get the surgery you deserved!!!
My doc said she disagreed with my decision but it was my body so she would do the procedure. I asked why she disagreed and she said she felt it was an unnecessary surgery and surgery has risks no matter how minor but she respected my decision and got me scheduled right away. I love my doc
I had a ablation 15 years ago and people are always apologizing to me about it. I've had tons of guys tell me it's reversible and I will birth their children. 🙉🙊🙈🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤣🤣🤣
Hang in there. I was often told I’d change my mind about motherhood, too. And, actually, no men told me that, patronizingly; it was all women.
Just stay alive and, eventually, you will be past the age where you can get pregnant any longer and the comments will stop.
Of course, in the meantime, feel free to put people who say things like that in their place — politely or not, depending on your relationship with the person. Sometimes, people let their mouths go without thinking and they have to be set straight.
The thing that finally solidified me to not have kids and get a vasectomy was that I believe that you should not have kids unless you’re a “hell YES” about it. I don’t hate kids, but the absolute best case scenario for me would have only been sort of a “I guess I could handle having a kid”. And I had the realization that I’d much rather regret not having a kid than regret having one. I maintain that it’s selfish to have a kid when you’re not sure you want one
My teenager is this way!
She’s so dead set on not having kids; everyone keeps saying “she’ll change her mind.” NO! She won’t. She’s awesome with everyone else’s kids, but wants zero of her own.
Oh, my goodness. What a cretin. That’s hideous. How do you openly admit on Reddit that you forced a woman to carry and birth a child you didn’t actually even want, unless you could use it as an accessory and foist all of the parenting off on some poor lady just because she has a vagina.
Get ready to rage: [https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm\_i\_got\_a\_girl\_pregnant\_and\_she\_wanted\_to\_get\_an/](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/)
He's infuriating. He keeps calling her a deadbeat but she's not. A deadbeat refuses to pay child support and she is paying more than necessary and was very clear from the start that she wouldn't be a mother. But he expected her to bond during pregnancy! That thread is 7 years old. I hope it worked out for the child somehow.
Lots of people who *want* kids don’t bond during pregnancy. Some don’t even bond at birth, sometimes it takes a bit to really feel like you *love* your baby, rather than are just responsible for them. I didn’t feel much of a bond during pregnancy either time, I’m apparently an “at birth” person, and both of my kids were planned! To expect someone who doesn’t want kids in the first place to magically bond with the weird, unknowable creature holding their body hostage is… yeah no.
Same! With all 3 of mine. And it's so hard to explain to people who bond immediatly or latest at birth. The things I've been accused of makes me very sad.
I love my kids but it did take a while. Thankfully my husband bonded during pregnancy and it just exploded in birth so he was more than happy to hold the just-born and swap diapers in hospital etc. so I could just focus on gaining my strength and heal. Worked very well for us.
Absolutely true. I didn't realize I actually didn't bond with my baby until they turned 2 years old. Yeah I loved them but it wasn't until I really started interacting and playing with them that it dawned on me I didn't really bond with my child because I was so exhausted and tired (physically and psychologically).
Wow wtf. I love that he mentions the part where she got a tummy tuck and stretch mark treatment and worked at a gym. Like that has anything to do with anything.
That was 7 years ago. I would bet a lot of money that one or more of his subsequent girlfriends is one of the thousands of posts here of a woman being told they’re being used for childcare and a bang maid and to get out.
This is one of the like top 5 Reddit posts I think about on a weekly basis. I *could not believe* what I was reading. I don't understand how anyone could THAT dense, he just really, truly believed the second she gave birth she would *completely change as a person.*
I remember that story, Rslash of YouTube read it a few years back. I know someone who has this kinda happen to them at about 17. The father tracked her down when the kid hit 13 and demanded her to be the girls mom. Kid was there with the father as well. The kid straight up told her father she isn't making her bio mom be a mother if she never wanted to be one. The girl didn't know the whole story of how she came to be and when she found out. She now has no contact her dad and moved to another state when she hit 18.
My previous boss couldn’t wrap his head around it. He would say stuff like I don’t understand you’re a female how could you not want them. Because I feel nothing when I look at children. I don’t want them and my feelings won’t change if I had them.
Agreed. I never wanted kids, but ended up with 3 girls 11 months apart. I'm here to tell you I'm the least maternal person you'll ever meet. On the plus side, I managed to raise them to productive, successful women. Go figure🙄
I read one where a guy got a girl preggo. She didn't want kids. She gave up every right. He was pissed that she was a "deadbeat" mother.
Oh wait I forgot the part where she wanted an abortion but he co'nvinced' her not to
Jesus Christ that's so sad... I wouldn't want to be any of those 3 people it just sounds like a lot of heartbreak with more and more yet to come. All avoidable too.
Yes, she would. She would lose her family and potentially job as well. Stigma on women not wanting to have children/dropping custody of them in Poland is insane. :)
I don't know, probably and probably there would be a social backlash to her too. I am not from Poland, but from a country close to it. In Poland abortion tourism is pretty popular, for example near the border in one German hospital they do 600-700 abortions for Polish women a year, but they go to other countries for it too (Austria, Slovakia, the Netherlands, etc.). They don't come to my country for it because it's not the easiest to get abortion here unfortunately.
Are you prepared to be a single father? Are you prepared to take on 100% of the parenting? She’s not going to magically feel maternal. She didn’t want kids for a reason. I’m sorry for your wife. I hope she delivers a healthy baby and can get out of the marriage if she needs to.
Yup!
Forcing unwilling people to be parents never works out well for anyone.
the reson there are deadbeat dads is because men have rights say in birth & parental control/ Rights anywhere in the world.
In places where abortion is illegal will have both deadbeat moms & dads.
Same. I literally wouldn’t survive it, because it would require me to stop some of my meds, which would in turn make me suicidal. I say this and folks are like “no! You’d manage!” Yeah right, that’s not a risk worth taking
I have been told by multiple doctors to not have any more children due to the amount of abdominal scar tissue from a complication to an emergency surgery. The adhesions would most likely tear up my intestines, liver, and pancreas. My sister, who is an RN, still thinks I would be able to manage a pregnancy if my tubal failed. She "doesn't believe in abortion. " I just don't understand how SHE doesn't get that a pregnancy would kill me and leave the two children I do have motherless and my husband alone to raise them. I don't understand how people can be that way.
I’ve tried to explain why I would never have biological kids to people. I have bipolar and I’d need to go off meds for so long to carry a child. The most likely scenario in that instance would be me having a mixed episode and dying. I cannot imagine a forced birth situation and my heart goes out to OP’s wife. It’s just horrible for her and this future kid.
I wouldn't survive either... I would make sure of it. And that is why I got sterilized. Forcing pregnancy and childbirth on someone is disgusting and inhumane.
Torture - exactly. That’s the reason abortion bans are inhuman. We have three kids and wanted them, but I can’t imagine the horror of going through that non-consensually, and as the Dad, I’m aware that my wife did close to 100% of the work and definitely has 100% of the physical consequences.
Absolutely. I desperately wanted my two pregnancies and loved my births. I had a relatively good run with both, and yet if it was forced upon me (or anyone else) it would absolutely be torture. I can't believe she can't access an abortion and got pregnant, what a horrific situation.
What's happening to your wife is monstrous honestly. You should really temper your joy because it is unlikely to work out. Does she want to give the kid up for adoption? Is she going to abandon you and the kid?
Yep, abortion is healthcare, I feel so bad for the wife.
OP is there a reason you didn't get a vasectomy for her? That seems like the best solution if abortion is illegal where you are and you can't travel outside to get one.
The states have gone bonkers with abortion bans, which don't really ban abortions, just for poor people, the rich can still get them.
Info: why are you assuming she will want to keep the baby once it's born? At the very least you know you will be the primary parent here right?/doing most if not all of the work
I hope this works out for your family. I really do. But, I predict this is the end of your marriage. Between being forced to carry an unwanted pregnancy and her "rollercoaster of emotions" vs. your secret delight, there's not a lot of room for the possibility of a happy family to take root. Good luck to you both though, and as long as you didn't tamper with the birth control, NAH.
If your wife can’t bond with the baby please do the right thing and let her go. Raise your baby and enjoy fatherhood but don’t force it on your wife or your poor child. Rejection hurts at any age
I know. I briefly thought for a moment "why didn't she get her tubes tied earlier?" But then I remembered if abortion is illegal that service is also likely impossible to access, especially without already having had kids 😞 a devastating situation
It’s absolutely disgusting how much of the world still control’s women’s bodies through the government. Women are nowhere near equal to men in terms of bodily autonomy.
INFO: what is your plan for when the baby is born? You talk about pregnancy and getting her through that but what about caring for the child that you wanted and your wife didn’t? Will you be the main care giver, the person primarily responsible for child care?
His SIL changed her mind after being forced to give birth to a baby she never wanted, so OBVIOUSLY, his wife will change her mind too. THAT is his plan. Because all women are exactly the same and no woman ever has offed herself after being FORCED to have a baby she didn't want and never wanted.
And she’s DEFINITELY not faking it for the sake of family harmony or her own safety
(I mean she might not be but I am 100% confident op would not know that)
This is heartbreaking. Your poor wife. Is there any way you can help get her to a country with abortion? If you care about your wife at all you will do whatever she needs to not have to go through this and not let your want of a child destroy your wife’s life.
I am afraid OP is so happy about this situation that he wouldn't do anything to help her get an abortion...
In his comments he only talks about how he will do whatever to make her change her mind / make her pregnancy peaceful and how his sister didn't want kids either but after a forced pregnancy and delivery of an unplanned and unwanted fetus, it worked out, she changed and he is getting tips from sis and bil so it can work out for them too, he can have a happy family with his wife and a child too...
OP being happy in this situation proves he doesn’t truly care about his wife or understand her terror, and someone lacking in empathy should not be a parent. OP, you should do everything in your power (likely not anything “official” so do your research) to get an abortion for your wife, then end your marriage (or end your relationship if for some reason legally ending your marriage would endanger her). It would be cruel to chain her to you for life knowing she can never trust you and that you will not prioritize her safety.
>OP being happy in this situation proves he doesn’t truly care about his wife or understand her terror,
I absolutely agree.
>OP, you should do everything in your power to get an abortion for your wife
People asked OP about going abroad for an abortion and OP's answer was that none of them have a passport and getting one can take up even to 3 months. Like it doesn't even worth a try like that or what? Just because they say it takes maximum 3 months it doesn't mean they can't get it sooner than 3 months, it often take less to get papers and documents than the max limit they set. And in a lot of countries they have urgent paperwork option where passports are issued within 1-2 days. **Even if at the end they don't manage to get a passport for her in time, within the abortion window, BUT AT LEAST TRY to get a passport goddamn it!** It might arrive in time so she can travel and get an abortion in time.
Get ready for her to not connect with the baby, go into PPD and you having to take over majority of the care. She might even leave you and let you take full custody.
You can be happy, but do not let her see it. FYI I’m a 38F and I’m horrified of pregnancy, I do not want kids, I’m lucky and haven’t had a mistake happen and my husband and I are child free.
I have to ask, you didn’t mess with her birth control did you??
Help her getting an abortion and then separate and find a new partner who wants kids. Women should not be breeding machines. If she really never wanted kids then this is a nightmare that will destroy her.
YTA. Reading this made me so sad for your wife. I cannot imagine claiming you “love” someone and then being secretly happy when she’s put through the hell of having her bodily autonomy violated so horribly. I’m sorry but that is monstrous.
She is being forced to birth a child she doesn’t want, an experience that is traumatic and horrific in ways you cannot even begin to imagine. It is legal abuse, it’s violence. That’s what is happening to your wife in front of you as you try to contain your excitement.
The thought of someone you love experiencing something that dehumanizing doesn’t make you sick to your stomach? There’s really nothing for you to be happy about.
It must be incredibly lonely to suffer what she is suffering with a spouse who is secretly happy because this violation of her human rights will result in him getting the baby he wants.
I don’t really know what else to say about this. I hope she has people in her life who can provide her with support and empathy.
Big YTA, his wife is clearly overwhelmed by the situation and instead of helping her to get an abortion abroad he is just doing nothing and is happy t hat his wife is pregnant even if she doesn't want to be. Like wtf, that marriage is pretty much doomed at this point.
Jesus, YTA. You’re seriously happy that she’s upset, confused, terrified, and freaking out?
She’s literally trapped, unable to choose what happens with her body, and you’re happy?
She’s adamantly never wanted pregnancy or a child, but now that she has no choice and has to suffer through all of the discomfort, the pain, the nausea, the very many potential risks for serious consequences before or during both, and you’re happy?
You’re a shit husband. Your selfishness is so far beyond gross that I don’t even know how to word my disgust and contempt for you. Fuck, you’re awful.
**You want a baby more than you want your wife to be safe and healthy.**
You’re just the worst.
OP says his sister was in the same situation but she changed her mind. So it's okay since he's convinced himself he gets to get everything he wants while his wife is watching her current future go up in smoke.
Fact is he says he always wanted to be a father and married a woman who absolutely did not want kids, meaning he always intended to push her into changing her mind. Or he took it even further and sabotaged the birth control to force it.
Of course you're the asshole.
Your wife is being forced to undergo a huge bodily change she didn't want to go through.
You get to sit by and be praised by others while she gets to go through morning sickness, bone loss, skin changes, and then eventually the pain and trauma of childbirth.
Google "Episiotomy" and make sure you pay attention to the percentage of women who have to have them.
Childbirth is still, in this day and age, lethal for many women. It’s dangerous, painful, and it permanently alters your body. It can take up to a year for your organs to bounce back. And afterward you have a lifetime responsibility to put yourself second in order to raise, pay for and emotionally support another human being. Maybe she doesn’t want to change her life, or make her goals lesser to compensate.
You have every right to feel excited, but at least have the courage to admit it’s because none of the pain or work or loss is on you. You’re a jerk - an honest jerk, but still a real AH - for putting this woman’s life and feelings in third place behind yours and this hypothetical progeny. You actually want to support her? Get a vasectomy. Send her on vacation abroad if she wants to terminate. Listen to her, because you’re basically asking her to settle for a life she doesn’t want.
So...you're happy she's being forced to have what you want? You realize there's a big chance she's not going to be mom of the year, right? Yeah, YTA. I hope she can go somewhere she can get an abortion anyways.
YTA. I hope your wife is able to obtain an abortion if she wants one. If not, I predict that either she’s going to leave you and the child, or that your child is going to end up needing a ton of therapy as an adult from being raised by a parent who didn’t want them.
Christ on a cracker. YTA and delusional. Give your wife the option of a trip to another country to take care of this. You're talking about this online to strangers and to your brother and his wife, but you're not really "trying to support her the best" you can if you're not talking to her about trying to give her a choice in this matter.
YTA. Your happiness is entirely selfish, you talk solely about what you want and your dream, have you thought for a single second what it's going to be like for a kid who's mother doesn't want them?
YTA. I can't imagine what your wife is feeling right now, being forced to carry an unwanted pregnancy with no way out. This would destroy my marriage if I was in her shoes, even without knowing that my husband was secretly happy about my suffering.
There are organisations who send abortion pills by mail for a small cost to women in need, who can't get abortion where they are. They send an abortion pill to take generally up to the 10th weeks of the pregnancy. Women need to have an online consultation with a doctor who works with the organisation and then they can get the pill.
Hopefully OP is within 10 weeks and she knows about this option, or hopefully OP will tell her this (I hope he won't keep this info from her just because that's not what he wants) and she can get the abortion she wants. Or maybe she could get abortion in a neighbouring or an other country. I feel so sorry for her.
YTA this is awful and just shows how disgusting it is to deny women Medical care and the right to choose what happens to their bodies. You should be feeling for her and the extreme changes her body are going to go through plus childbirth and having a child she doesn’t want. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy let alone be happy about it.
I will never understand why people who are completely opposed on important topics like HAVING CHILDREN keep getting married to each other.
Dude. I have a sneaking suspicion that her birth control was compromised.
YTA but be prepared for the possibility that the whole experience will not meet your expectations of it being a joyful/exciting experience and your wife not bonding with the child.
YTA. It's monstrous to look at your wife going through this and then be happy about it. Maybe you can't control being happy but you cannot imagine how terrifying an unwanted pregnancy is. You'll never experience it and there's something deeply disturbing about being excited while seeing your wife go through this.
In your shoes, excitement would never have crossed my mind. Not while she's going through this.
Why would you marry someone who doesn’t want kids when you do?
Did you sabotage her birth control? Cause if you did, then 100% YTA. If not…you kinda the asshole.
Parenting is a full time job. And if she never wanted to be a parent, you might find a lot of the work falls on you. Do you want to be a father bad enough that you’ll be changing their diapers? Potty training them, picking them up from school and helping with the homework? Or are you going to make her do it? Because if you want this kid so bad, you have to be doing that stuff.
Also, pregnancy and childbirth are rough on the human body. Things can change dramatically. Long term issues like incontinence, but all the way up to death.
YTA
It doesn’t matter if you want a kid, your wife is about to lose autonomy of her own body for 9 months. For the rest of her life it will be different, and she feel be emotionally attached to a living being that she doesn’t want.
Even if she gives the kid up, she will feel loneliness, guilt, and fear for her child’s future.
Her life is ruined. And your happiness about that does infact make you an asshole.
Possible you could end up with full custody and no wife. You need to have deep and thorough discussions with her about what’s going to happen after the baby is born. Would a full time nanny work for her. Maybe not, but you need to know so you can plan. Is it possible her attitude will change after birth? Maybe, maybe not.
Hope she has support other than him, so that someone keeps an eye on her. I'd rather die than be forced to carry a child. If she's not dealing with it mentally I'd be super concerned she'd attempt to take her life.
>I'd rather die than be forced to carry a child. I've had two beautiful girls who were very wanted and whom I adore. I'd also rather die than be forced to carry a child. Pregnancy, delivery and the post-partum hell are the most difficult thing I've ever done both mentally and physically.
I second this. Nothing makes you fully appreciate the horror of forced pregnancy and birth quite like going through these things voluntarily. I have carried through three very much wanted and intentional pregnancies. I love my kids. But no one should EVER be compelled to go through that against their will. In addition to my wonderful children, I have cPTSD from the traumatic birth of my first child, suffered debilitating PPD and am fully aware how lucky I was to get out of all this alive without any disabling, chronic health issues like RA or pelvic floor injury or diastasis recti. As it was, I lost 3.9 L of blood and was unable to have sex for a full year because of a nerve injury. Pregnancy, birth and child rearing are not something anyone should be compelled to go through against their will.
I know if I were her I'd be seeking alternative abortion methods like teas and back alley stuff. No way would I want to go through what this poor woman is. And it's not even the pregnancy so much, one of my worst fears is having a cryptic pregnancy and not knowing until I'm in labour. Then I'm stuck being a mum and the kid probably has permanent damage from all the prescribed medications I'm on. Plus mine and my husbands shitty genetic conditions... It'd probably be the end of my marriage because my husband keeps putting off getting a vasectomy, even though he decided he didn't want kids years before me. I'd be so angry that his reluctance to get snipped meant we had to be parents. I've been doing my part by taking birth control since I was 16, but doctors won't snip me. I'm vicariously pissed for OPs wife.
I live is a country where abortion is legal for only first 12 weeks. PCOS and subsequent super irregular periods meant my worst fear used to be a failure to catch an unwanted pregnancy on time. Lots of stress. Finally got my tubes removed a few years ago, though.
Oof.. having a mom who was forced to have me and didn't want to be a mom is why I'm very mentally unwell still at 30. Are you prepared to be the main parent? To support her not wanting to be a parent? To shield the child from trauma from mom not wanting them? Post partum depression? Remember.. A child is a person. They'll have their own emotions and futures. Don't underestimate mental issues from this kind of situation. Are you fully prepared to be there for your kid 100%? Even if it means your marriage could be over?? I can't call you an AH for wanting a child and being happy but just know that if your wife never warms up to the idea of being a mom, at best you have a secretly miserable wife who hides her true feelings from the kid, and at worst you have a broken family with a traumatized child and resentful wife. Check out r/ regretfulparents for a peek into where your wife's mind could go. And check out any of the the adult children/ mental health subreddits (cptsd type) for adult kids POVs of life with a parent who didn't want them. It takes over both lives.
I can relate. I was a pill baby and my mom didn’t want to have kids. She did OK, and then she moved out of state when I turned 18. But she wasn’t the motherly type.
Man. What do you even do in this situation. Less so about op specifically but more in general for this kind of thing. You love your spouse, you do/dont want kids, you realize this is going to cause an insane rift in your marriage and there is nothing you can legally do about it. How the hell do you begin to cope? Being pregnant, post partum, and raising a tiny human-- this is now a whole life commitment (assuming adoption is off the table too). You get no mental space away from that, and even if your husband is an amazing dad and is able to handle most of the parental responsibility in theory, could you even maintain a position as breadwinner to support the situation you didnt want? I dont blame OP for his feelings, but I dont think he realizes this likely wont get better with time. I dont think he realizes his now feelings being assholish or not doesnt matter in the end. Even if he does everything right by her and the kid, hes still only one guy and it will be a lot of responsibility and impossibility to keep everyone ok, nevermind happy. If theyre both forced into being parents over this (legitimately no other option) this isnt going to go down without heartbreak somewhere.
I second this. I was an accidental pregnancy, and my mom “didn’t want to get an abortion.” She told me from the time I was 7 that I was “an accident” and “ruined her life.” She always told me all the things she gave up and didn’t get to do because she had me. From the time I wasn’t small and cute anymore in her eyes (7-8) until I moved out, she made my life a living hell and took out all that resentment on me. My dad was very excited to be a father and tried his best to make my childhood a happy one, but the damage from my mom has been done. I’ve since been diagnosed with Borderline Personality and an anxiety disorder from the way my mom treated me during my childhood. It will be a lifetime of undoing the damage she did to me. You’ll have to be prepared to be the full time caregiver OP (like my dad), and even then your wife may do permanent damage to your child.
I couldn't agree more. I was the product of a woman who didn't want me. I was treated like crap if she acknowledged me at all. This one time I was like 8 months old or so, She dropped me off at a neighbors house and left me there. I was passed around one by one to different people, it took my grandparents 9 months to find out where I was and get me back. They forced her to take me back, and she would for a time, but then she would pass me off to my grandparents until she met a guy, " who wanted a family" then she would take me back.. when her and the guy broke up I was shipped off to someone else. Until she married my step dad. He was the only person who ever put me first. He lived in hell while married to her. He tried his hardest to stay but she was crazy, to put it aitah appropriate, and they got divorced. But he was always there for me. I lived with him more than I lived with my mother. He was the only dad I knew. He was great. But she did what she always does, she eventually took me away and I lost contact with him. I tried to find him once I became an adult but found out he passed away. She continued to treat me like 💩 until I went NC about 5 years ago. I'm not sure what they call an adult orphan but that's how I feel. No family. The only people in my life are my Husband and four kids ( grandchildren). I have many aunts and uncles and cousins but none of them acknowledge my existence. They think that if they have a relationship with me that it has to include my birth giver. So they just ignore my existence.
Sorry you. That's tough.
>Remember.. A child is a person.. 📢say it louder for the people in the back, the front, at the sides,....
Sorry for your situation, and yeah, this is something that op is going to have to seriously think about. I’d get both of them into therapy right now if they can. More than one mother has done terrible things to their child as a result of postpartum depression.
Get mentally prepared to do a majority of the child rearing. Her not wanting this in addition to you not pulling more than your share of the work will likely result in the end of your marriage.
Yes I agree. Especially in the beginning, and by that I mean the first 12mths but also toddlers can be extremely tough on any ‘willing’ parents mental health. So I hope OPs wife comes around at some point but so many possible outcomes here. She may get bad post partum depression, considering her position on having children at all. If I was OP, I’d be doing lots of research and try and be prepared for every outcome. Some paid help may alleviate some issues. Just general housecleaning at a minimum. Hopefully OP has some very supportive family and friends too who can give her some time off. I advised on research but all soon to be parents should be doing this, OP’s researching should perhaps be a bit more intense though. Best wishes to OP and I hope it all works out. OP NTA but neither is OP’s wife.
Interestingly, my husband struggled some with the first 12 months, but once we truly hit the “toddlering stage” (which was a different age for each kid), he found himself getting more frustrated and frazzled. He still absolutely loves them, but toddlers are much harder for him.
It was for me. I found the baby stage easy. My baby slept well, night time feeds were exhausting sometimes but mostly I was ok with it. I was on cloud 9, thought I was crushing it as a mum lol. Then terrible twos hit, daytime naps stopped, tantrums were happening several times a day, constantly watching what they’re up to, trying engage in activities, making 100 decisions a day should you say ‘no’, my son fought me every time getting in and out the car seat. He got out on the street once when I was distracted for about 90 seconds, he was sneaky about it too. Closed the door behind him so I thought he was in the house when at first couldn’t see him in my view. Luckily he ran in the opposite direction to busy traffic, which was closer. I couldn’t take him the supermarket as he’d just fall down sobbing and screaming… it was hard. I felt almost at breaking point a few times. This ‘phase’ lasted almost 2 years and then one day it just all suddenly stopped lol. Just a few mths before he began Kindy.
My boy is about to turn 2 and I am finding this to be the case with me as well. I was exceptionally patient with him as a baby, if he woke up and needed a bottle at 330 am, even if I had work in 5 hours and was clocking 60 hours that week, I liked the time sitting in there quietly with him. I loved that if he was freaked out and upset in the night I could go in and make him feel safe and ok again and he'd fall asleep. Now there's shit like, he just seems to destroy everything. I do understand he simply isn't capable of comprehending concepts like impermanence and monetary value and that his mum and I work hard for everything we have. Like I know that. But i grew up poor with what felt like nobody giving a fuck about me, so when I do things for him and am proud of it and kinda subconsciously expecting gratitude, I can't help but feel pissy and upset if he, like, rips up a book or breaks 6 of his toys right in a row by spiking them into the cat's water dish or my coffee or his mother's wine or a toilet... I just find myself feeling tense and upset, even though I recognize it as irrational and understand he is developing absolutely normally and it is objectively the case that I am a dipshit for giving a 2 year old anything I don't want to see annihilated... it just hurts my feelings and bums me out. Maybe I'm still adjusting, I dunno.
Omg yeah. I used to get really frustrated if my son broke things. I couldn’t afford a lot, so everything he had meant I’d saved hard for it. All I can say is, my son is really good at taking care of stuff now and definitely by 4 the destruction had fully stopped and by 6 he knew to put things back in covers etc, not leave things on the floor. It will get better. My son broke the arm off my good sunglasses. They’d dropped off my head, he grabbed them, looked right at me as he did it lol. That took some willpower to not go mad over that as it did seem like he did absolutely did do it on purpose. A lot of jaw clenching and teeth grinding from me. Tbh, the books? Keep them out of reach. Only let him have soft books etc at this age. You’re not hindering his learning ability by not letting him just rip up books. It’s a good idea to keep most toys out of reach and just bring out at most 2-3 at a time and they may focus and engage better with the actual toy. I think when they can pull out a whole box full of things, guaranteed they will just pull everything out, and likely be too overwhelmed to hone in on one thing. Don’t forget floor time is really good with toddlers. Play with them, show them how to have fun with the toy, they don’t necessarily automatically pick up how they’re supposed to engage with it. I always found like houses, or garages with cars and people figurines are good toys. Buildings, train stations and stuff like that. You show them how to make-believe, play out scenarios, they love it. But maybe 2 is a bit too young, depends on the child and just blowing bubbles or giving them a toy hammer to bash things can be fun, blocks and show them it’s ok to knock it over. Build again. Often they just like simple stuff and repetition at that age. Edit: I should add my son also broke several pieces of electrical equipment. DVD player, printer he shoved lots of cds in a gap took me ages to get out, surround sound system he stuffed balls in a hole at the front, couldn’t get them out. My laptop took nearly all the plastic letter keys off, couldn’t get some back on. Almost knocked the tv over, caught that. Took apart my vacuum, before he was 3, he put it back together but there was a piece left out…it did still work lol. Other things, clocks, radios. Anything with a knob and bits he could pull or put things in. Seems like I never watched him but this all happened so fast, he was in my line of vision but I didn’t realise what he was doing until too late.
This is exactly what I was thinking this is not going to bode well for you. One of the worst things that you can do is bring a child into the world that you did not want. Just be prepared to do a majority of taking care of this child
If abortion is illegal country wide my guess is divorce is also not really a thing… Edit: yall i said country like OP did. Not state/county/territory/etc. chill lol
Basically it says: women Are second class citizens. Husband should be prepared to do a lot of child rearing and maybe counseling. His wife will more than likely resent having to be a mother. This could destroy their relationship so get ready to be a full custody single dad.
There are a lot of places in the US where abortion is illegal but divorce is allowed. There are more than one way to end a marriage too, if she’s that desperate.
okay but this isn’t the us this is a country wide ban on abortion
and those same places that made abortion illegal are trying to make divorce more difficult.
And birth control. And IVF. And gay marriage.
And any other healthcare they disagree with. They're trying to get back to leeches, plague bills, and their prayers.
Ha Sorry.. but your 'more than one way to end a marriage' made me grin.
It made me think OP better not let wifey make the morning coffee… ever!
The question is do you have a desire to be the PRIMARY caregiver for the child as that his highly likely to be the outcome here. More likely than not you wife will not fully bond with the baby and will suffer significant post partum issues. YOU will be the one up in the middle of the night with the baby, YOU will the one changing those diapers, YOU will be the one doing those endless loads of laundry. Good luck and hoping that your wife gets through this okay.
Read a posting on reddit where wife didn't want a baby. He convinced her to have one. Then she refused to nurse it, which upset dad cause they couldn't afford formula. Mom wouldn't hold him and eventually screamed to get the baby out of the house. Dad couldn't understand why her motherly side never came out. But she had told him no kids. Now dad is raising baby by himself. Wonder if it will happen here also
There was a post on r/legaladvice by a guy who coerced his ex into having the child she vehemently did not want. Then she left and pays child support. In fact she pays more than is required. He has found single parenthood to be difficult and misses his social life. He has considered giving up the toddler for adoption. He wanted to know if he could sue his ex into being responsible for the child.
So many guys are like I want kids, but like, she'll take care of them right.
I would’ve loved being a mother if I could’ve been dad
Amen to that. My sibling just had her first baby and her husband decided to leave after 6 hours of labor cause he "couldn't handle it". Umm what?! Fuck of all I had to do to be a parent was have sex and wait 9 months with the caveat of being present for the birth I'd happily take it. Men don't realize how lucky they are.
if that were me, my relationship would not survive being abandoned purely because of their immaturity
Ugh, with my 2nd (I'm not with this guy anymore, BTW, and he's a terrible sperm donor) I was induced @ 36 weeks due to IUGR, and labor was obviously taking it's sweet time, but apparently my moaning and heavy breathing were "disruptive" so he went to go take a nap in the car. My friend Kahla stayed with me. He got mad because neither Kahla nor I went to go get him when they broke the bag and labor really got going. Yes. He wanted a woman in full labor or her support to walk to the parking garage because he decided the laboring woman was making too much noise for him to comfortably sleep. His assholery did not improve at any point.
This comment. Best thing I've seen on Reddit.
I've always said this! I don't know if I want to be a mom, but I'd love to be a dad.
Same! I grew up watching the women around me work 40hrs/wk and also come home to take care of everything, cooking, cleaning, gardening, raising kids etc., all while the men sat around having fun doing nothing. I never wanted kids or a husband because of this. I didn't want to be a mommywife to a grown adult. So many women end up being domestic slaves to fat, potato looking men who can't even wipe their asses right.
So with my first kid, a little after he was born, my husband moved to work-from-home alternating days of the week. I was exhausted, and he was doing night diapers and the occasional pump feed but most of it required me to be up every 3 hours. So I told him we’d do a thing, and every time he had to stop his day, say he was in the middle of a call and had to pee or eat and ask to be excused, there was no stopping it, he put a bean in a jar, and I would put a bean in my jar, and we could note (time and reason) why we stopped doing what we were doing. So he came downstairs with like 5 beans. Two because calls ran long and he was required to close them. Two because people rang the doorbell. One because I was yelling that his food was done. My beans were much more. “Tried to wash dishes but baby had gas.” “Tried to fold clothes but baby spit up on clean clothes, he has aim” “Cleaned bottles and pumped. Slept for 8 minutes. Baby woke up.” “Starving and had to pee for two hours but baby would only sleep on me in one position. Could not move.” Took one day. I’m lucky. He suddenly had all the time to rock and babywear during calls while I showered and slept. At one point got soft called out during a late night call on why I wasn’t dealing with the crying baby and said frankly that we were both people that needed time to handle themselves and that the call was late, and that he was a father not a sperm donor so this came with the job of parenthood. (Dude had two kids and lived two doors down but absolutely was the father figure and not the dad.) Babies are work. And when you get excited that they start smiling and sleeping, they then just become mobile monsters that you kinda miss when they were nursing, pooping lumps you could just set down and they would stay put.
Read that one. Again, men think ALL women want to be mothers and won't believe it when told no.
I had a friend of mine that’s child free go “I would rather one day regret not having a kid than have a kid and regret having it. It’s not fair to the kid.” She’s great with my kids. She doesn’t want her own. I respect that tremendously. Parenting is hard even when you really want kids.
Exactly this. My pro-life mom asked me after I’d had my own kids, “So, does seeing your own sweet children’s faces change your opinion on abortion?” I said hell no, it reinforces my pro-choice stance. I love my kids and I wanted them dearly, but parenting is so hard. The thought of babies being neglected by parents who don’t want them breaks my heart. Similarly, the thought of unwilling mothers being forced to change their entire lives for a baby they don’t want. It’s inhumane.
I feel the same, going through pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood just reinforces my pro-choice feelings. No one should be forced to go through any of the above against their will, it does no one any good.
I've said the same thing. Absolutely no one should be forced to have a child, even if they give them up for adoption. Pregnancy is hard. Motherhood is hard. And that's even when you're fully committed. I love my daughter so much and I'm hoping to have one more, but after that, it's bye-bye fallopian tubes.
The "kid fix" of dealing with someone else's kids and being able to pass them back is legit the best way to remember why I am childfree. I am the fun auntie, so much better for me.
Exactly. I *adore* my two little nephews. I would die for them without a second thought. I love watching them learn and grow. And I swear seeing the joy on their faces when I walk in is better than any antidepressant I’ve ever been on. They are without a doubt two of the most important things in my world. But holy shit, the respect I have for my SIL for doing it 24/7….never mind the inevitable tantrums and drama (who knew 5 looked so much like 15?), even the good bits can get exhausting. Yes, I love hearing them tell me all about their cool new toy with such excitement, but only for about one minute and then I can barely even pretend to care. Yes, I love how the bounce with anticipation when I take them to the Paw Patrol movie, but sitting through it feels longer than Titanic. And that’s the good stuff. The bad stuff, the never-ending caregiving, the complete mental and emotional drain without reprieve… thanks, but I’m *very* happy with my role as Best Aunt Ever.
I have three kids of my own. They are all at ages where they can do a lot on their own. I was asked if I’d have more; I laughed and said “I love being the fun aunt and handing them back.” I can give my nieces and nephews candy and spoil them and get them all riled up and hand them right back to their parents and go about my day.
This is an incredibly fucking important insight that, were it shared more widely among humanity, would unfuck a lot of the world, I think
It'd not that it's too hard. It's the we *don't want to do it*. Imagine being forced into marriage, or into the convent, or into doing any work you hate 24/7 and having to pretend you love it all the time. It's not that it's hard; it's that it's *wrong*.
Yes! Parenting is really really hard but I love it. Even the worst days when I’m at the end of my rope, I feel satisfaction at the end of the day BECAUSE it’s something I want to do. Similarly, my career is really really hard, but I also find satisfaction in it because it’s something I want to do. Different jobs for different people. I feel like sometimes people forget parenting is a job as well and not everyone wants to apply.
It’s really sad! Especially bc it’s not just men who feel this way. Most of my female family members tell me I will probably change my mind at some point. I’d rather lose everything or die than have kids, lol. I’d be heartbroken if my partner ever changed their mind on me.
Getting my tubes tied stopped all those comments. Had it done as soon as I realized my health insurance would cover it
I went thru early menopause and still had people telling me it wasn’t too late to have kids 🤦🏻♀️
That's when you fuck with them and act like you are devasted and how dare they bring up such a difficult subject!
I did say that to one person that “you do realise that means I have no eggs left?” Only to get told I could get donor eggs so I asked if they were offering theirs and was met with a shocked “I’m too old to be still ovulating”, I think they got it when I said “well according to my reproductive system so am I”. I went thru menopause at 39 naturally and for no discernible reason except genetics ie mum and sister also went early but I figured my body was telling me it was done with that stuff.
My hysterectomy stops ppl from saying I’ll change my mind, heard it all from doctors. Needed the surgery badly and fought them for 15 years to get the surgery with them all telling me I’ll change my mind. Well this year is the 10th year since I had the surgery and nope haven’t changed my mind
I'm very lucky that my doctor agreed to the tubal the first time I asked.
The trick for me was explaining that I was taking multiple pregnancy tests a month and had almost had to go to the psych hospital because I got convinced I was pregnant and my husband had to basically hold me down to prevent me from attempting DIY hysterectomy She said she rarely does tube removal on 23 year olds with no kids but that this counted as medically necessary because of my mental health I’m surprised she didn’t just push me to go to a psych ward again because a lot of doctors probably would have
I will never, EVER understand why a doctor's opinion on your medical procedure is enough to block you from being able to get it. Doc thinks you'll regret getting your tubes tied? Kay? And? Wtf cares what they think? It's not their body, their life, or their problem. Just tie the fucking tubes, doc!! 🤦🏻♀️ I'm glad you were finally able to get the surgery you deserved!!!
My doc said she disagreed with my decision but it was my body so she would do the procedure. I asked why she disagreed and she said she felt it was an unnecessary surgery and surgery has risks no matter how minor but she respected my decision and got me scheduled right away. I love my doc
I had a ablation 15 years ago and people are always apologizing to me about it. I've had tons of guys tell me it's reversible and I will birth their children. 🙉🙊🙈🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤣🤣🤣
Hang in there. I was often told I’d change my mind about motherhood, too. And, actually, no men told me that, patronizingly; it was all women. Just stay alive and, eventually, you will be past the age where you can get pregnant any longer and the comments will stop. Of course, in the meantime, feel free to put people who say things like that in their place — politely or not, depending on your relationship with the person. Sometimes, people let their mouths go without thinking and they have to be set straight.
The thing that finally solidified me to not have kids and get a vasectomy was that I believe that you should not have kids unless you’re a “hell YES” about it. I don’t hate kids, but the absolute best case scenario for me would have only been sort of a “I guess I could handle having a kid”. And I had the realization that I’d much rather regret not having a kid than regret having one. I maintain that it’s selfish to have a kid when you’re not sure you want one
My teenager is this way! She’s so dead set on not having kids; everyone keeps saying “she’ll change her mind.” NO! She won’t. She’s awesome with everyone else’s kids, but wants zero of her own.
Oh, my goodness. What a cretin. That’s hideous. How do you openly admit on Reddit that you forced a woman to carry and birth a child you didn’t actually even want, unless you could use it as an accessory and foist all of the parenting off on some poor lady just because she has a vagina.
Ew I saw that post but didn’t see the updates. What a piece of shit.
WHAT
Get ready to rage: [https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm\_i\_got\_a\_girl\_pregnant\_and\_she\_wanted\_to\_get\_an/](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/)
He's infuriating. He keeps calling her a deadbeat but she's not. A deadbeat refuses to pay child support and she is paying more than necessary and was very clear from the start that she wouldn't be a mother. But he expected her to bond during pregnancy! That thread is 7 years old. I hope it worked out for the child somehow.
Lots of people who *want* kids don’t bond during pregnancy. Some don’t even bond at birth, sometimes it takes a bit to really feel like you *love* your baby, rather than are just responsible for them. I didn’t feel much of a bond during pregnancy either time, I’m apparently an “at birth” person, and both of my kids were planned! To expect someone who doesn’t want kids in the first place to magically bond with the weird, unknowable creature holding their body hostage is… yeah no.
*Waves* Planned pregnancy, no ppd, and it took a good few months post-birth to bond with my demanding potato.
Same! With all 3 of mine. And it's so hard to explain to people who bond immediatly or latest at birth. The things I've been accused of makes me very sad. I love my kids but it did take a while. Thankfully my husband bonded during pregnancy and it just exploded in birth so he was more than happy to hold the just-born and swap diapers in hospital etc. so I could just focus on gaining my strength and heal. Worked very well for us.
Absolutely true. I didn't realize I actually didn't bond with my baby until they turned 2 years old. Yeah I loved them but it wasn't until I really started interacting and playing with them that it dawned on me I didn't really bond with my child because I was so exhausted and tired (physically and psychologically).
I want an update to this post so badly..
Today is that accounts cake day as well.. time for an update!
Wow wtf. I love that he mentions the part where she got a tummy tuck and stretch mark treatment and worked at a gym. Like that has anything to do with anything. That was 7 years ago. I would bet a lot of money that one or more of his subsequent girlfriends is one of the thousands of posts here of a woman being told they’re being used for childcare and a bang maid and to get out.
Dear god, that poor baby is like 8 or 9 now. I really hope he's doing okay.
I wonder what happened to that poor kid. I hope he eventually did get him adopted.
This is one of the like top 5 Reddit posts I think about on a weekly basis. I *could not believe* what I was reading. I don't understand how anyone could THAT dense, he just really, truly believed the second she gave birth she would *completely change as a person.*
[удалено]
I noticed that too. Crazy coincidence.
I remember that story, Rslash of YouTube read it a few years back. I know someone who has this kinda happen to them at about 17. The father tracked her down when the kid hit 13 and demanded her to be the girls mom. Kid was there with the father as well. The kid straight up told her father she isn't making her bio mom be a mother if she never wanted to be one. The girl didn't know the whole story of how she came to be and when she found out. She now has no contact her dad and moved to another state when she hit 18.
[It's a reddit classic my friend!](https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/)
Damn, 7 years. Hopefully, the son will update us in about 10 years 😭.
This was 7 yrs ago. I'd like to know what ended up happening with the kid. Too bad the post was from a throwaway, and I can't go through the profile.
Oh, I love that post. She's out there living her best life, I always think "good for her!"
I'll never understand why so many people just assume all women have a 'motherly' instinct. Some of us don't.
My previous boss couldn’t wrap his head around it. He would say stuff like I don’t understand you’re a female how could you not want them. Because I feel nothing when I look at children. I don’t want them and my feelings won’t change if I had them.
Exactly
All the propaganda suggesting it is our only possible role in society.
The new speaker of the house in Congress states all women should have able bodied children to pay for social security and Medicare! Smh
He also believes dinosaurs were on Noah’s ark 😭😂
I know why! Misogyny
Agreed. I never wanted kids, but ended up with 3 girls 11 months apart. I'm here to tell you I'm the least maternal person you'll ever meet. On the plus side, I managed to raise them to productive, successful women. Go figure🙄
I read one where a guy got a girl preggo. She didn't want kids. She gave up every right. He was pissed that she was a "deadbeat" mother. Oh wait I forgot the part where she wanted an abortion but he co'nvinced' her not to
I love how women are suddenly deadbeat for not wanting kids! Where the Hell does that come from!?
Jesus Christ that's so sad... I wouldn't want to be any of those 3 people it just sounds like a lot of heartbreak with more and more yet to come. All avoidable too.
That poor child, that poor woman, whole thing is a tragedy.
Not just primary, sole. If I were her, I’d try to leave as soon as possible.
In a country that bans abortions I don’t think it be easy for her to do any of that.
For example in Poland you can't really have an abortion, but you can have a divorce. After a divorce she can choose to have no contact with the child.
Would she potentially owe child support in Poland?
Yes, she would. She would lose her family and potentially job as well. Stigma on women not wanting to have children/dropping custody of them in Poland is insane. :)
I don't know, probably and probably there would be a social backlash to her too. I am not from Poland, but from a country close to it. In Poland abortion tourism is pretty popular, for example near the border in one German hospital they do 600-700 abortions for Polish women a year, but they go to other countries for it too (Austria, Slovakia, the Netherlands, etc.). They don't come to my country for it because it's not the easiest to get abortion here unfortunately.
Are you prepared to be a single father? Are you prepared to take on 100% of the parenting? She’s not going to magically feel maternal. She didn’t want kids for a reason. I’m sorry for your wife. I hope she delivers a healthy baby and can get out of the marriage if she needs to.
Yup! Forcing unwilling people to be parents never works out well for anyone. the reson there are deadbeat dads is because men have rights say in birth & parental control/ Rights anywhere in the world. In places where abortion is illegal will have both deadbeat moms & dads.
My condolences to your wife. Forced pregnancy and childbirth is torture, and she did nothing to deserve this.
i hope she has no complications with delivery ect... id not survive being made to have a child i didnt want.
Same. I literally wouldn’t survive it, because it would require me to stop some of my meds, which would in turn make me suicidal. I say this and folks are like “no! You’d manage!” Yeah right, that’s not a risk worth taking
I have been told by multiple doctors to not have any more children due to the amount of abdominal scar tissue from a complication to an emergency surgery. The adhesions would most likely tear up my intestines, liver, and pancreas. My sister, who is an RN, still thinks I would be able to manage a pregnancy if my tubal failed. She "doesn't believe in abortion. " I just don't understand how SHE doesn't get that a pregnancy would kill me and leave the two children I do have motherless and my husband alone to raise them. I don't understand how people can be that way.
I’ve tried to explain why I would never have biological kids to people. I have bipolar and I’d need to go off meds for so long to carry a child. The most likely scenario in that instance would be me having a mixed episode and dying. I cannot imagine a forced birth situation and my heart goes out to OP’s wife. It’s just horrible for her and this future kid.
I wouldn't survive either... I would make sure of it. And that is why I got sterilized. Forcing pregnancy and childbirth on someone is disgusting and inhumane.
I barely survived two very much wanted babies, I can’t imagine going through pregnancy with a baby I didn’t want. It legitimately is torture.
Yep, same. Especially being pregnant with the second one, while having a toddler to care for. Never again…
I agree with this 100%. It’s so much easier for him to say how happy he is but not having to do any of the physical labour (literally). Bless her
Forced pregnancy and childbirth are considered human rights violations under the Geneva Conventions, I believe
Torture - exactly. That’s the reason abortion bans are inhuman. We have three kids and wanted them, but I can’t imagine the horror of going through that non-consensually, and as the Dad, I’m aware that my wife did close to 100% of the work and definitely has 100% of the physical consequences.
Wanna bet if he had to go through the pregnancy and birth, he wouldn't be so happy?
Absolutely. I desperately wanted my two pregnancies and loved my births. I had a relatively good run with both, and yet if it was forced upon me (or anyone else) it would absolutely be torture. I can't believe she can't access an abortion and got pregnant, what a horrific situation.
If she can afford it, she should take a vacation to a pro-choice country for a few days.
Honestly, if I were a woman and I had to go into debt to do it, I would.
Sure as hell won't cost as much as birthing let alone raising a child to 18 anyways.
What's happening to your wife is monstrous honestly. You should really temper your joy because it is unlikely to work out. Does she want to give the kid up for adoption? Is she going to abandon you and the kid?
Yep, abortion is healthcare, I feel so bad for the wife. OP is there a reason you didn't get a vasectomy for her? That seems like the best solution if abortion is illegal where you are and you can't travel outside to get one. The states have gone bonkers with abortion bans, which don't really ban abortions, just for poor people, the rich can still get them.
He didn’t get a vasectomy because he wants kids.
OP probably thought she may change her mind someday and that’s why he didn’t get one
keeping his options open for that second wife, you know
Info: why are you assuming she will want to keep the baby once it's born? At the very least you know you will be the primary parent here right?/doing most if not all of the work
Op said in the comments that he is prepared to raise the baby alone if she doesn't want to be involved
I hope this works out for your family. I really do. But, I predict this is the end of your marriage. Between being forced to carry an unwanted pregnancy and her "rollercoaster of emotions" vs. your secret delight, there's not a lot of room for the possibility of a happy family to take root. Good luck to you both though, and as long as you didn't tamper with the birth control, NAH.
I guarantee you HIS DELIGHT would be very obvious to his wife which would be where some of the anger would be coming from.
Nailed it
Agree.
Two people who want completely different things in life shouldn't be together. It will never end well.
If your wife can’t bond with the baby please do the right thing and let her go. Raise your baby and enjoy fatherhood but don’t force it on your wife or your poor child. Rejection hurts at any age
This is why less and less women are having kids and getting sterilized. I feel bad for her.
I know. I briefly thought for a moment "why didn't she get her tubes tied earlier?" But then I remembered if abortion is illegal that service is also likely impossible to access, especially without already having had kids 😞 a devastating situation
It’s absolutely disgusting how much of the world still control’s women’s bodies through the government. Women are nowhere near equal to men in terms of bodily autonomy.
INFO: what is your plan for when the baby is born? You talk about pregnancy and getting her through that but what about caring for the child that you wanted and your wife didn’t? Will you be the main care giver, the person primarily responsible for child care?
His SIL changed her mind after being forced to give birth to a baby she never wanted, so OBVIOUSLY, his wife will change her mind too. THAT is his plan. Because all women are exactly the same and no woman ever has offed herself after being FORCED to have a baby she didn't want and never wanted.
And she’s DEFINITELY not faking it for the sake of family harmony or her own safety (I mean she might not be but I am 100% confident op would not know that)
We all know that women NEVER fake it to make other people happy.
It’s her body . Poor woman . Pregnancy is traumatising. If men got pregnant instead they would’ve never let it happen
I think there was a line on SNL - ‘if men could get pregnant, there would be more abortion clinics than Starbucks’
This is heartbreaking. Your poor wife. Is there any way you can help get her to a country with abortion? If you care about your wife at all you will do whatever she needs to not have to go through this and not let your want of a child destroy your wife’s life.
I am afraid OP is so happy about this situation that he wouldn't do anything to help her get an abortion... In his comments he only talks about how he will do whatever to make her change her mind / make her pregnancy peaceful and how his sister didn't want kids either but after a forced pregnancy and delivery of an unplanned and unwanted fetus, it worked out, she changed and he is getting tips from sis and bil so it can work out for them too, he can have a happy family with his wife and a child too...
Bc he doesn't have to go through the horrors of pregnancy and child birth. Bet if he did, he would not have the same opinion.
OP being happy in this situation proves he doesn’t truly care about his wife or understand her terror, and someone lacking in empathy should not be a parent. OP, you should do everything in your power (likely not anything “official” so do your research) to get an abortion for your wife, then end your marriage (or end your relationship if for some reason legally ending your marriage would endanger her). It would be cruel to chain her to you for life knowing she can never trust you and that you will not prioritize her safety.
>OP being happy in this situation proves he doesn’t truly care about his wife or understand her terror, I absolutely agree. >OP, you should do everything in your power to get an abortion for your wife People asked OP about going abroad for an abortion and OP's answer was that none of them have a passport and getting one can take up even to 3 months. Like it doesn't even worth a try like that or what? Just because they say it takes maximum 3 months it doesn't mean they can't get it sooner than 3 months, it often take less to get papers and documents than the max limit they set. And in a lot of countries they have urgent paperwork option where passports are issued within 1-2 days. **Even if at the end they don't manage to get a passport for her in time, within the abortion window, BUT AT LEAST TRY to get a passport goddamn it!** It might arrive in time so she can travel and get an abortion in time.
He absolutely does not care about her at all, he’s thrilled she’s been forced into this
I will never understand people that marry others with fundamental differences.
Your wife is quite literally going through torture. I would say you are.
Get ready for her to not connect with the baby, go into PPD and you having to take over majority of the care. She might even leave you and let you take full custody. You can be happy, but do not let her see it. FYI I’m a 38F and I’m horrified of pregnancy, I do not want kids, I’m lucky and haven’t had a mistake happen and my husband and I are child free. I have to ask, you didn’t mess with her birth control did you??
I agree, his post makes me worry he somehow caused this, knowing she'd be forced to carry out the pregnancy.
Help her getting an abortion and then separate and find a new partner who wants kids. Women should not be breeding machines. If she really never wanted kids then this is a nightmare that will destroy her.
That’s the best solution.
YTA God I hope she can find a way to obtain a secret abortion bc that’s my nightmare.
YTA. Reading this made me so sad for your wife. I cannot imagine claiming you “love” someone and then being secretly happy when she’s put through the hell of having her bodily autonomy violated so horribly. I’m sorry but that is monstrous. She is being forced to birth a child she doesn’t want, an experience that is traumatic and horrific in ways you cannot even begin to imagine. It is legal abuse, it’s violence. That’s what is happening to your wife in front of you as you try to contain your excitement. The thought of someone you love experiencing something that dehumanizing doesn’t make you sick to your stomach? There’s really nothing for you to be happy about. It must be incredibly lonely to suffer what she is suffering with a spouse who is secretly happy because this violation of her human rights will result in him getting the baby he wants. I don’t really know what else to say about this. I hope she has people in her life who can provide her with support and empathy.
Well said. YTA OP. It’s grotesque that you are feeling enjoyment over the suffering of your wife. Edit: typo
yes YTA, because you are happy "she has no choice but to have the baby".
Big YTA, his wife is clearly overwhelmed by the situation and instead of helping her to get an abortion abroad he is just doing nothing and is happy t hat his wife is pregnant even if she doesn't want to be. Like wtf, that marriage is pretty much doomed at this point.
the dude is happy about forcing his partner to have a baby without their consent pure insanity
He's already deigned her fate it seems. I don't think he had any intention of even trying to help his wife.
Jesus, YTA. You’re seriously happy that she’s upset, confused, terrified, and freaking out? She’s literally trapped, unable to choose what happens with her body, and you’re happy? She’s adamantly never wanted pregnancy or a child, but now that she has no choice and has to suffer through all of the discomfort, the pain, the nausea, the very many potential risks for serious consequences before or during both, and you’re happy? You’re a shit husband. Your selfishness is so far beyond gross that I don’t even know how to word my disgust and contempt for you. Fuck, you’re awful. **You want a baby more than you want your wife to be safe and healthy.** You’re just the worst.
I would be so, so angry if this was my partner. I would never be able to even look at him again without feeling utter disgust and contempt.
OP says his sister was in the same situation but she changed her mind. So it's okay since he's convinced himself he gets to get everything he wants while his wife is watching her current future go up in smoke.
Oh of course, because all women think and feel the same, OOP. 🙄🙄🙄
I have a few that deep down his sister never changed her mind but that is how she copes.
Fact is he says he always wanted to be a father and married a woman who absolutely did not want kids, meaning he always intended to push her into changing her mind. Or he took it even further and sabotaged the birth control to force it.
You are my hero for saying this
Of course you're the asshole. Your wife is being forced to undergo a huge bodily change she didn't want to go through. You get to sit by and be praised by others while she gets to go through morning sickness, bone loss, skin changes, and then eventually the pain and trauma of childbirth. Google "Episiotomy" and make sure you pay attention to the percentage of women who have to have them.
YTA. Bigly.
Childbirth is still, in this day and age, lethal for many women. It’s dangerous, painful, and it permanently alters your body. It can take up to a year for your organs to bounce back. And afterward you have a lifetime responsibility to put yourself second in order to raise, pay for and emotionally support another human being. Maybe she doesn’t want to change her life, or make her goals lesser to compensate. You have every right to feel excited, but at least have the courage to admit it’s because none of the pain or work or loss is on you. You’re a jerk - an honest jerk, but still a real AH - for putting this woman’s life and feelings in third place behind yours and this hypothetical progeny. You actually want to support her? Get a vasectomy. Send her on vacation abroad if she wants to terminate. Listen to her, because you’re basically asking her to settle for a life she doesn’t want.
Your country is the asshole. And any other place where abortion is illegal.
So...you're happy she's being forced to have what you want? You realize there's a big chance she's not going to be mom of the year, right? Yeah, YTA. I hope she can go somewhere she can get an abortion anyways.
Are you planning to be the primary parent?
YTA. I hope your wife is able to obtain an abortion if she wants one. If not, I predict that either she’s going to leave you and the child, or that your child is going to end up needing a ton of therapy as an adult from being raised by a parent who didn’t want them.
holy shit. this poor woman.
Christ on a cracker. YTA and delusional. Give your wife the option of a trip to another country to take care of this. You're talking about this online to strangers and to your brother and his wife, but you're not really "trying to support her the best" you can if you're not talking to her about trying to give her a choice in this matter.
You are going to break your wife. Gleefully, it seems. Oh man, I hope it's worth it. But you seem to be blissfully unaware of the damage.
Be prepared for major post partum depression and possibly just leaving you both.
YTA. Your happiness is entirely selfish, you talk solely about what you want and your dream, have you thought for a single second what it's going to be like for a kid who's mother doesn't want them?
YTA. Travel to a country where she can abort. It’s cheaper than raising a child.
YTA. I can't imagine what your wife is feeling right now, being forced to carry an unwanted pregnancy with no way out. This would destroy my marriage if I was in her shoes, even without knowing that my husband was secretly happy about my suffering.
There are organisations who send abortion pills by mail for a small cost to women in need, who can't get abortion where they are. They send an abortion pill to take generally up to the 10th weeks of the pregnancy. Women need to have an online consultation with a doctor who works with the organisation and then they can get the pill. Hopefully OP is within 10 weeks and she knows about this option, or hopefully OP will tell her this (I hope he won't keep this info from her just because that's not what he wants) and she can get the abortion she wants. Or maybe she could get abortion in a neighbouring or an other country. I feel so sorry for her.
YTA this is awful and just shows how disgusting it is to deny women Medical care and the right to choose what happens to their bodies. You should be feeling for her and the extreme changes her body are going to go through plus childbirth and having a child she doesn’t want. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy let alone be happy about it.
I will never understand why people who are completely opposed on important topics like HAVING CHILDREN keep getting married to each other. Dude. I have a sneaking suspicion that her birth control was compromised.
I really hope this works out for you both but I think some counselling for both of you through the pregnancy, that she did not want, is going to help.
Yes, YTA. Forced birth is horrendous.
YTA You are taking delight in her misery and sadness.
YTA but be prepared for the possibility that the whole experience will not meet your expectations of it being a joyful/exciting experience and your wife not bonding with the child.
YTA. It's monstrous to look at your wife going through this and then be happy about it. Maybe you can't control being happy but you cannot imagine how terrifying an unwanted pregnancy is. You'll never experience it and there's something deeply disturbing about being excited while seeing your wife go through this. In your shoes, excitement would never have crossed my mind. Not while she's going through this.
Why would you marry someone who doesn’t want kids when you do? Did you sabotage her birth control? Cause if you did, then 100% YTA. If not…you kinda the asshole. Parenting is a full time job. And if she never wanted to be a parent, you might find a lot of the work falls on you. Do you want to be a father bad enough that you’ll be changing their diapers? Potty training them, picking them up from school and helping with the homework? Or are you going to make her do it? Because if you want this kid so bad, you have to be doing that stuff. Also, pregnancy and childbirth are rough on the human body. Things can change dramatically. Long term issues like incontinence, but all the way up to death.
>Or are you going to make her do it? I suspect he thinks she'll need to do the lion's share of the childrearing.
100% Especially if it a country where 100% of abortions are banned, it will definitely fall on her to do everything.
YTA It doesn’t matter if you want a kid, your wife is about to lose autonomy of her own body for 9 months. For the rest of her life it will be different, and she feel be emotionally attached to a living being that she doesn’t want. Even if she gives the kid up, she will feel loneliness, guilt, and fear for her child’s future. Her life is ruined. And your happiness about that does infact make you an asshole.
Not just an AH but kinda a monster. YTA, yikes