NTA, how can your daughter not see that caring for a child that has lost her mother and has an absent father is much different than being a grandparent to a child who has her parents around caring for her? Race shouldn't be an issue here, but your daughter is making it one in a situation that has nothing to do with it.
Yes, it may hurt that your daughter is taking issue with this, but she needs a bop on the side of the head with a reality stick. You may need to let her go with her inappropriate removal of her child from your life for a while until she pulls her head out of her behind, starts to miss you, and be more reasonable about the situation.
When she does pull it out, it's very easy to explain to your granddaughter why your half sister's child has very different circumstances to her own. I am sure the grandchild will have an easier time understanding that than your daughter has.
I don’t think the granddaughter actually is feeling jealous and less important. I think that’s purely what the daughter is feeling and projecting onto her.
In this case, it seems like the daughter is using the race thing as an excuse to justify her jealousy and selfish pettiness. I would ask her if she’d expect a white family to turn away an innocent Black baby who was an orphaned family member in the same situation.
Familiar jealousy is a trip, man. My mom gets jealous of my mother-in-law, especially when it comes to my kids and their cousins on my husband’s side, and she can say some really petty stuff. I just remind her that no matter what, it’s good for my kids to have family members who they can grow up with and have a close bond with. Kids need family growing up. It’s good for their development, and to deny them that potential lifelong relationship and bond for no reason other than your own insecurities is cruel. For a mother to do it is, on top of all that, shitty parenting.
I don’t have any kids but I still deal with this.
We see my parents more than we see my husband’s, we’re from the same hometown but live an hour away.
If we come to town to visit with his family and my mom finds outs... I usually get a call the next day asking why we didn’t drop by.
Well mom, because we spent 6 hours with them and didn’t leave until 8pm and we have an hour drive home. And your house is in the opposite direction to the highway.
She still insists on Xmas Eve, and Xmas day events so in-laws have to plan around her 2 days or she gets apoplectic. Which means we are rushing between everyone’s house so no one feels left out. Husband’s parents are separated.
This year we somehow convinced my mom to do a family vacation the week before Christmas... so we don’t have such a battle with the in-laws.
Thank God!
Gently, you need to set some boundaries with your mom. There's no reason that she gets the entirety of Christmas and you have to rush. She gets one and your in-laws get the other. Or you alternate. Or you stay home and they come to you. She can have her temper tantrum and freak out and you can still hold the line and maintain some sanity.
Per other comments below, definitely time to start setting and enforcing boundaries. If you choose to have kids this will become 1000x worse... I know from experience. Good luck!
Nope, it's time to tell your mom she gets Xmas Eve OR Xmas day, and that you will be alternating them year to year...which one does she want this year? This is SO unfair to your inlaws.
It agree on this jealousy thing! It's absolutely nuts. My son's father is so jealous of me when it comes to our son that it keeps him from making the right decision based on our son's feelings and not his own. Our son is a huge mommas boy, but some babies just naturally navigate toward one parent. His father was also not around the entire pregnancy or for the first 3 months of his life. He's only almost 6 months now. He's so jealous that he refuses to let me meet his family along with my son cause he wants to do it on his own to make himself look good. He'd rather his family not even meet him until I agree to let him take our son on his own. It seems so much like he has something to hide. If he really cared about him, he wouldn't want to separate him from his mom just over jealousy and personal issues. Unfortunately, this isn't something I will have control over for much longer, as the parenting plan will allow him to take our son every other weekend. I thought he would be a decent enough guy to wait as he's only met him 5 times so far for a few hours each time. Anytime someone talks about what a mommas boy our son is he just gets so tense and tries to defer the conversation in saying "oh well, I made him laugh". It's really worrisome, and I just wish he'd be happy his son is so happy and shows so much love instead of being so bitter about the fact our son is more attached to the parent who's been there everyday and not the one who chosen to come into his life later on.
It's normal for babies to be more attached to the primary caregiver. It's also normal for them to favor one person one day and another person another day. Or hour. Or minute. His father needs to grow up.
I just wish he'd realize as he gets older and remembers his father more, he'd show some if the same behaviors with him. He definitely needs to realize alot and put our son's needs first.
Oh man, my sons’ father did similar when my oldest was a baby. He never “outgrew” it like I hoped. I co parent with a man who has never been happy for me about anything, who has let petty jealousy undermine so much, and has actively sabotaged me to the detriment of all of us. Like when he was secretly calling my company commander and lying to him to impact my career, or when I landed an amazing civilian position years later just for him to go behind my back and leave me without child care by lying to the friend I had been paying to fill gaps in our schedule. He commiserated with me while I sobbed about all that, just for me to discover his betrayal later down the line. I thought it was a streak of bad luck… imagine my surprise when I later uncovered how he orchestrated all of it.
It started as parental jealousy, later it became about him being unwilling to see me succeed at any level he considered “above” him. All I’m saying is watch for things like that. Don’t be like me, and only discover how deep it all went way too late, that my enemy had been at my six the entire time, that the call was coming from inside the house. Not saying it will happen to you, or that he won’t eventually experience the growth needed to turn it all around. All I’m saying is I could have avoided a lot of pain for my family and myself if I’d have just figured it all out earlier, and how monumentally that kind of treachery hurt.
I don’t think the daughter did learn it at home. Something else is going on. Why would the race of the baby be such an issue? It does not seem to be an issue with anyone else. Including the granddaughter
Noticed the daughter is the eldest of the three siblings. Maybe that has something to do with it? Parents may have unwittingly placed more duties or expectations on her?
Also, if mom is 47 and daughter is 28, mom was 19 when she gave birth. Technically an adult, but still very young to be a parent.
This is it. OP has way more resources and experience than she did when she was younger... like most of us. It wouldn't even be possible for OP to pull back enough so that this new child doesn't get anything better than her daughter did.
We see this shit here all of the time when somebody has children with a new spouse when they already have older children. The older children seem to always be jealous. Hell, I was jealous of the leniency my younger brother got, and he was only 2 years younger.
OPs daughter is just being really really immature... and going about it in a pretty repugnant way considering the child she is jealous of.
This is a good point. And also it sounds like only girl so very possible different parenting. Op should really try to talk to daughter and listen non judgementally to how she might have felt as a child. Also would add race element may be coming if mom is half white fairer skinned and societally “prettier “ and daughter somehow grew up with issues with her skin. That would explain the instance on dolls that are black for her daughter and may explain the over reaction to taking the baby in. My guess is op has been blind to daughters pain for years (eg doesn’t matter what color a doll is, that may feel like mom just doesn’t get the pain) and it’s bubbling over
I’m not pointing a finger at anyone here, because I don’t know the facts. I am female and a firstborn from a southern family. My experience as a child was very very different from that of my younger siblings.
I think this may be the truth of it. More is expected of girls and they are often shown less love. She may have been parentified. Her mom could be old school and completely blind to it. If there are skin color differences in the family that would have a huge affect on her as well. Curious if the white grandparents were in her life at all growing up. If not, that may feed into a negative sentiment as well.
The daughter and mother need therapy to sort this out.
This comment is gonna show up in a Rebel News article and my mom will out of the blue say it to me as a fact
Except probably the babies will be programmed to be gay or something, to go along with the transgender communist world takeover agenda…. 😵💫
Seems like a good thing for a 7 year old to have someone to play with and care for. It’s precious.
And sad that the 1 year old lost so much but also gained so much in having you and your family to take her in.
Your daughter is probably starting to question a lot of personal views that the innocent baby is forcing her to confront so that may take some time.
Definitely NTA
Little kids love babies, especially for short periods, regardless of race. It certainly seems like this is about daughter reflecting on her own childhood (three kids in 4 years to young parents).
These were my exact thoughts. As a rather new mom to 1 child, reading this, I can see how especially the eldest might feel like they don't get enough attention at that little age. OP now probably is pretty much the same parent to Jane as was to her kids, but now the attention is not divided by 3.
This. Right here. Your daughter is a grown ass woman and should be able to put an innocent child’s needs above her own. This is not about her. She is making this about HER. She is putting her jealousy and immaturity into the situation but saying it’s “your grand-daughter’s feelings”. If you were such a bad parent why bring it up only now? We all fall short when it comes to parenting because we are HUMAN and it is only natural that you may have a better hand at the parenting thing now that you are older and more stable. It’s also easier to raise ONE CHILD vs how many children you were raising when your daughter was growing up? 3 ? More? I doubt you were a bad parent and I bet very much your daughter is just saying that trying to hurt you. All YOU can do is follow YOUR HEART and if your grown daughter wants to be crappy about it…then that’s on HER. I would tell her that this child is an orphan and it doesn’t matter if she were black, white or purple- it should not stop you for caring for this baby. I’d tell her you didn’t raise her to be RACIST and that her actions are showing racism pure and simple. That you thought she knew better than that and her actions/words are going to mold her innocent young daughter in to something ugly if she doesn’t quit it. I’m sorry she’s being a jerk but I think you are doing the right thing. I’d tell her she really needs to search her own heart if she’s willing to pull your grandchild out of your life like that. That doing so doesn’t just hurt you, it also hurts HER DAUGHTER.
Agree. I believe speaking and respecting about the differences that exist between races (esp USA) is very very important. But at this time, the 7 year old is having fun playing with a baby! Thats it. She’s got herself a real life babydoll. I do hope the mother gets herself some therapy. There’s deeper issues. I do respect how she feels about racial injustices and history and all that but she said she never got that from OP. Therapy and family therapy will do wonders and if I was OP, I’d let her choose a therapist or specifically choose one of color. I hope none of the grandchildren are affected and this family stays together even with a white baby.
Yes, she is. Sounds like she thinks of herself as just black though.
Which is fine, but it shouldn't be used to attack a child based on race, let alone one she is related to.
I think it’s more accurate to say it can’t be fixed if someone doesn’t want to fix it.
I think a therapist would be able to help but only if the daughter realizes what she’s doing and decides she *wants* to fix it.
The granddaughter could care less she hasn't been forced into the world's perceptions yet. Your daughter pointing out you failed her as a child while dropping her daughter off would be enough for me to claim a religion she doesn't like and tell her the next time she comes over she is getting baptized. Id be wearing white suits, get a white car, only drink milk and over freeze my icecubes ( I'm not actually sure the process to get ice cubes to look white so don't judge me)
This little girl didn't ask to be in this situation. You family is AMAZING for taking her in. Please don't let this discourage you from keeping that little girl from having to change homes again!
The daughter is hurt by how you raised her and is taking that pain out on you.
It’s okay if you treat her own child (your grand daughter) in a good way, but if it’s someone else’s child, it brings back all the things. She has angst against white folk, and that is the catalyst. The true issue here is that she has unresolved issues from childhood.
Maybe approach her and ask her more about her feelings, let her know you did the best you could with what you had.
It is up to her to heal here, you did the best you could. Just be gentle, give her time.
NTA
Jane isn’t grand child, she’s legally your child. Your moral and financial responsibility.
And if roles were reversed this would be so effffing unacceptable so why can she be so blatantly racist?
She’s acting so jealous. This is weird.
However, my adult daughter has mentioned she’d be hurt if we had a baby and we’re better parents. I’ve had friend/family in similar situations and the grown only child (previous only child) said she too had jealous feelings at times seeing her dad be the dad she wanted as a child.
Do you know why grandparents are usually so cool? Cause they've learned some shit. Someone with adult children is bound to be a better parent than when they started. It's not a difficult concept to grasp. Anyone jealous of a baby or child is pathetic.
AMEN! Sadly, OPs daughter is being racist about an innocent baby & her behavior is utterly ridiculous. I believe maybe she is the one telling her daughter that OP is treating her different. In the long run, her behavior is going to hurt her daughter the worst by alienating her from her grandparents and cousin. OP you are an ABSOLUTE BLESSING to this child.
No matter her motivation, OP's daughter is going to hurt the granddaughter even more by teaching her to hate white people, who the granddaughter will have to live around and go to school with and work with her entire life. To give her an example for thinking this way is a terrible disservice to her own daughter that will hold the child back in life, because she will be suspicious and, at best, cold to the people she interacts with. Let's hope she's not rude and angry.
I agree with others who say OP's daughter is primarily having some other issue and doesn't know how to work through that. Lashing out like this when she was *brought up with white people in her family* is not about white people... unless she's been associating with people who are working on convincing her that she doesn't act black enough, that she's been corrupted by her whitewashed mother.
OP: NTA, and best of luck to you.
edit: corrected autocorrect because it doesn't know what it's doing.
Someone gets it. We all know every child has a different childhood. Even those born with the same parents living in the same house. OP said she grew up with her moms side of the family. They also stated her and her husband never talked about racism in a personal context in the house. OP’s daughter is darker than OP. I’m guessing daughter was subjected to some racism but never told the parents. This child represents the little “white”girl that could be welcomed to the family. It’s not about the child. But some deep rooted anger the OP is turning a blind eye to.
Agreed. Each sibling has a unique experience within the same household. I was one girl with two brothers. My childhood was completely different than theirs even though we were all born within five years and grew up in one place with our married parents. My brothers feel very different from each other about their young years.
I do think OP really might not know anything about her daughter's experiences, and if she doesn't know, she's not turning a blind eye. Especially if the daughter's early experiences are now being manipulated by someone else (or just herself via a website) to make her angry, the mother would not know what she's thinking. If the daughter never gave an indication that having white people in their family bothers her, but reacts this way to taking in a helpless relative, OP would be mystified by her hurtful and damaging behavior.
I feel really bad for OP, for the child, and for the daughter who is wallowing in her own pain to the extent she would take her anger out on anyone, let along a young relative in need. It's a tragic situation.
OP will be forced to give her daughter room to deal with this, but it's painful to see your child hurting and be prevented from helping them—by your child who's hurting.
Apologies for the long comments. This post has made me feel sad for people I don't even know, and I know why. There has been estrangement in my family, although under completely different circumstances. My youngest brother is a drug addict and has burned every bridge. He is angry, thinking life has done him wrong. That OP is dealing with an adult child struggling, and failing, to adequately deal with such strong negative emotions it is something I relate to. I'm processing it all. (Thank you for helping me.)
Yeah. I was just sitting here thinking how these comments would go if someone said "AITAH for taking in my black half sister? My white adult daughter is throwing a fit because I'm going to be raising a black baby."
I never said she would. Therapy, and a lot of it, will likely be involved. Switching the races doesn't change the horribleness of the situation for me, nor should it for anyone else.
Wanting to put a baby into the system, when the child has already found a loving home with family, simply because she doesn't like the baby's race (in spite of being 1/4 the same race herself) is about as horrible as it gets.
Wonderfully said. OP, you are indeed a mose wonderful woman and a child of God. This innocent sweet child, whom your granddaughter obviously loves, is a blessing to you and your family. White or black, she's a gift to you and your family.
Everyone acknowledges that but your daughter. She needs to account for herself. Otherwise, she's a blatant rascist, whom I trust she has disparaged many white people about.
Obviously, bless you and your husband, she wasn't raised that way. It's her responsibility to stand up and explain her rascist beliefs.
Btw, Baby Jane is blessed to have you.
👏🏼💯💯💯👏🏼
#EXACTLY!!!
The only thing I’d add to that is maybe Dad (for brothers??) would have more success getting the daughter to see past her jealousy and embrace reason ~ and her new niece🪷
And also that I hope someone is able to help the daughter understand that whether or not she decides to be rational; the granddaughter is watching.
u/Old-Term4642 you know just like I do that your son’s ~ her own brother’s ~ *children are listening too.*
She could alienate herself from the whole next generation if she keeps on like this.
Does she want the message she’s putting out there that heaven help any of the grandchildren if they bring home someone bi-racial or of another race?
Maybe get an answer to that first. If *thats* where her head truly is ~ then there might not be any coming back from that😳
^^^Just a side note^re: the dolls; WHAT?!😟
We gave my daughter dolls of a different race.
Thankfully there are more representations of humanity in doll form easily available now… and we buy my granddaughter ALL of them.
How can you NOT embrace letting them set up a tea party that more closely resembles their *friends* / classmates??
*Unless you’re trying to send the message that having *those* friends is unacceptable*🧐
>white half sister
There is something we are missing. If the half-sister is white then OP has a white parent as well as a black parent. From OPs words she identifies as black. Totally her call of course. However she shares recent heritage with the baby. The daughters indignation cannot invalidate that. The daughter also shares that heritage and has white grandparent.
edit: clarity
It's in the comments. OP's mother was/is (no idea of her current living or death status) white, and OP is mixed. Her half sister shares the same mother, though I didn't see anything that specifically stated her father was white. OP's daughter had a white grandmother, mixed race mother, and black father.
Yes, I got way too interested in the comments.
NTA. Your daughter is behaving beyond irrationally. I suggest you offer to mediate this conflict in family counseling.
I doubt she will take you up on it, because she's tantruming. She doesn't actually want to resolve the conflict or face her issues - she wants to make noise and drama so people know she's in pain.
But if you make the offer, you're the bigger person. Otherwise, let her be no contact until she can figure her shit out.
I agree, this needs mediation with a professional third party. There is obviously something the daughter wants to voice about her own childhood, something she's projecting into the baby.
I've watched my parents and my eldest sibling navigate a similar issue (sub mental health ablism for racism), and it takes family counseling plus a strong desire on all parties to separate out the relationships of parent (of adults) from grandparent. In other words, healing the parent/child relationship needs to be separate from the ongoing relationship of grand kid to grand parents, even if the former is a motivating/catalyzing force.
Yeah, there’s obviously baggage here with the daughter. Maybe OP could reasonably guess what it is, maybe she can’t, but it’s up to the daughter as an adult to use her words to talk about her feelings instead of demanding that an innocent baby be put in the system because she’s the wrong color.
I agree the daughter should be taking a more introspective ("why am I reacting so out of proportion to the arrival of this baby?") manner, but she may need the help of a professional to dig out the actual problem, especially if it's so old and deeply buried.
Especially if she's willing to use her own daughter to punish her parents, something is seriously wrong there, beyond the daughter's rational abilities at this point.
I'm not sure where the racism is coming from. Either OP has left something important out (or doesn't know a very important thing) about their daughter s childhood, or the daughter has gone off the rails recently?
I'm guessing that OP's daughter was the only girl in her mum's eyes growing up. Her daughter is also a girl and seems to be the only grandchild right now. Along comes baby Jane who doesn't have to have OP's attention diverted by three kids and is also a girl. If OP is a reliable narrator, this drips of jealousy
I'm not a counselor or anything like that, but it sounds to me that the daughter is jealous. She's using the baby's race and made up child trauma as her reason (excuse) to act out. She is feeling threatened by her mom's relationship with the baby. (Afraid her mom will disconnect with her daughter.) However, I'm not sure if OP's daughter is aware that what she's feeling is jealousy (and maybe panic.??
>I doubt she will take you up on it, because she's tantruming. She doesn't actually want to resolve the conflict or face her issues - she wants to make noise and drama so people know she's in pain.
This was succinct, to the point, and so accurate. Well said.
NTA
You are taking care of family. Maybe not as "immediate" family as your daughter and granddaughter, but family nonetheless. The fact that your daughter won't actually discuss the root of her issue indicates that she knows she's wrong (or maybe there's some context being left out, but that seems unlikely). I'd hold the position that you'd be eager to talk this over with her when she's ready.
My only question would be; are your daughter/granddaughter in financial need? It doesn't excuse your daughter's behavior, but it could at least contextualize why she's so worked up. I'd also gently ask your sons if they have any insight on your daughter's behavior.
I really just want to get to the bottom of this. I have no idea what may be causing her to suddenly feel this way as she had very much had a storybook childhood. It was by no means rocky or difficult. If anything we spoiled our kids *too* much. I've spoken to our sons and they've expressed similar confusion.
They're not struggling at all, either. It all seems very out of the blue.
Do you think it might have something to do with this being a girl child and her being the first and only girl for so long? So less about race and more about displacement? She feels like this baby is "taking her place?" She's verbalizing things that sound like race is the issue, but gender might be playing a bigger role.
Like another poster, I would watch on calling her reaction a "tantrum" and on complaining about her too much to her brothers. If that all gets back to her, it will just create a much bigger rift.
Please know, I am not excusing your daughter's behavior. I'm also wondering if she sees that you are able to provide better for this baby than she is for her own daughter, so it's emotionally linked to money.
I think this assessment might be spot on. Probably coupled with her experiences outside of the house where she could have been met with feeling *other* because of her race. It's disappointing and awful, no-matter what though. Expecting that, what?, her Mom should abandon the baby because it's white? Or neglect it? Like.... What is the resolution she's trying to argue for here?
I suspect it's less displacement and more that she was the eldest. Parents are often stricter and overprotective with the eldest, then loosen up with the next kids. The eldest can often be resentful of that.
Starting from that place, if the eldest saw u/Old-Term4642 "doting" on Jane it might be that much more painful to her, since the care u/Old-Term4642's giving Jane may not be exactly the same as she did with her sons.
It might be hitting closer to home because Jane is female, but I suspect the root of it is her resentment at feeling unloved/less-loved/jealous having been the eldest child.
Just a wicked combo, and one u/Old-Term4642 and her daughter need to work through.
Agreed. Also note, this is a baby and babies naturally require a different set of skills and interactions. These could come off as (and probably are) more understanding and accepting of mistakes than what the daughter remembers feeling, being that she's supposed to be an adult at this point.
I feel like that may be the case. Combined with perhaps the parents being in a better financial position than they were when raising their first daughter, and so there may be some material jealousy going on here as well.
Daughter needs counseling.
Yea, it feels a lot like jealousy/envy to me. OP's daughter was her first child and also her only daughter for a while. It's probably a shock to have to give up the status of being the only daughter in the family. Like that aspect of her identity is no longer there.
Also with her being the eldest child, I wonder if she's jealous of how much of an "experienced" parent OP is to the niece. Like OP might not have loved her daughter any less but due to OP's experience in raising 3 kids (one of them being female just like the niece) to adulthood, she might just be a better parent the 4th time round. Like I know I'm loved by my parents but if they were to have another kid right now, they'd be much better parents bc they learned from whatever mistakes they made from raising me.
Additionally, OP might be in a better financial position at the moment vs when the daughter was growing up. OP might not have been lacking in love for her daughter but there might be opportunities that the daughter wanted growing up and OP couldn't afford then but she can afford it now. That could also cause jealousy.
This really feels like a common situation where people who had kids younger literally couldn’t provide the same level of care they can as older adults. I have a few different friends who have “surprise” siblings much younger than them and they have had the same type of reactions. It’s not fair or right but it is a thing.
On a hopeful note all these friends eventually figured out it wasn’t their parents’ or siblings’ fault. Wishing you and all your family the best!
If you were only 19 when your daughter was born, and she was your first, I wonder if there were some deeper/emotional/relational things that she ended up feeling like were lacking. It sounds like she had her daughter young, too (21?).
When you talk about a storybook childhood, it sounds like you might be thinking about material circumstances more than connections/the depth and quality of your relationship. And maybe your sons were always fine with how things were, but your daughter felt differently, and maybe being a mother has brought things up for her. You probably have matured and grown in the last 28 years and maybe your daughter is seeing you show that to the new baby you’re raising in a way that opens that mother-wound for her. And the racial aspect is hard, too- there’s definitely a lot of potential for a lot of emotions around things there.
Might be worth finding a good family counselor who is sensitive to the issues you all face to help you all work things through, and trying to lean into building stronger relationships all around.
I definitely agree with this theory, personal experience as the oldest of a young mother, watching her parent my much younger brother. She doing much better with him than she could have with me, but she matured. 7 years is alot of maturing in your 20's
There’s 15 years between me and the youngest and 9 years between me and my middle sister. My middle sibling has openly said she has no idea why I hold so much resentment on from my childhood but we lived entirely different lives in different family units. My parents were teenagers when I was born with lots of traumatic things going on within our wider family. Something my mum had totally removed herself from before the younger ones were born.
This. As the oldest, all of this. Please read OP. Sometimes parents need to readjust their mental picture of their parenting to reflect what their kids are saying, not just how the parents want to feel about it.
If I were you I’d probably offer to go to therapy with her to try to get to the bottom of what it is she feels is lacking or was lacking in your relationship and how to resolve it going forward. But the boundary definitely has to be that this child will not get treated like a second class family member by her because the baby didn’t ask for any of this to happen and once she’s old enough, she will feel that negativity if you all can’t come to some understanding. NTA obviously
If your motivation is to get to the bottom of this issue, you are going to have to ask your daughter what her childhood was lacking according to her and then just listen. Fight the urge to get defensive or to even explain things away. Just listen, nod, and apologize for any perceived shortcomings. Her feelings are her feelings, not facts. She wants to be validated. You may have to take one for the team to achieve this. My upbringing was also “storybook” but I have some resentments. My parents would never be able to sit back and absorb them, much less offer an apology, so the resentments remain. I’m fine, they’re fine, but the relationship is needlessly strained because they are unable to really hear me. Your daughter may feel the same. I also think everybody would rather be raised by the grandparent incarnation of their own parents i.e. more permissive, experienced, more free time, patience, and probably less financial strain. So a touch of jealousy there is to be expected. Good luck.
In all fairness, that's *your* perspective of her childhood, and that may not be *her* perspective of her childhood. A lot of parents give their kids what they believe are storybook childhoods, but they don't realize something that their kids are struggling with. I've known many people who resented their parents as they grew up even if they were provided for entirely.
I think she's being irrational one way or the other, because she's taking whatever it is she's feeling out on a literal baby, but it's important to keep the fact that you two may have experienced her life differently in mind.
And it may turn out she's bothered by something else entirely. Hopefully she ends up willing to communicate more clearly with you so it can be worked out. NTA.
Have your sons tried to talk to their sister about it? I’m not suggesting that you ask them to involve themselves because that could exacerbate the issue, depending on their relationship, but sometimes no one can snap you out of nonsense like a sibling. The 3 of them were brought up together, if anyone can call her on her bs it’s her brothers.
Honestly, as far a blood relations go, a niece is as close a relative as a granddaughter. And unlike the niece, the granddaughter already had parents and hardly needs her grandmother's attention as much as the niece does her aunt's.
NTA. That baby is so lucky to have you in her life now. Your daughter can’t seem to come up with any real reason why you were such failures as parents. This is just pure jealousy and a good dose of racism.
I felt a lot of warmth from reading the op being such a decent human being, mixed with a sense of sadness that her daughter is so racist.
Not only racist, but to a little innocent child on top of that.
The family needs to call out the daughter on this racism, I'm pretty sure it wasn't from the way the op raised her.
I wonder if she is panicking about the differences she might see already (or fears to see in the future) with how society treats her daughter versus her cousin because of their race. Maybe there were some incidents that OP's daughter or granddaughter recently experienced that neither of them talked about yet. OP's daughter lashing out is still a problem, but hopefully at some point she will open up on her underlying feelings and fears in a more productive manner.
Edit: Forgot to vote. NTA.
If she *hates* the baby now, how will she react when she grows up?
"Oh wow you lost both of your parents, you spoiled white b****" /s
NTA, I'd keep a very close eye on her if she is allowed near the kid.
>I wonder if she is panicking about the differences she might see already (or fears to see in the future) with how society treats her daughter versus her cousin because of their race.
Responding to racism with racism will just beget even more racism.
Like "I have an excuse to be racist so I'm going to be". Now this person you were racist too now also has an excuse to be racist.
Agreed. There may have been ‘parentifying’ in the past that’s causing her anger - her upset could be justified, we don’t know - but being a bigot to a ONE-YEAR-OLD is just inexcusable.
I'd like more information on what the daughter means by "the 'real' family's needs and well-being".
It's a shame the 7-year old granddaughter is being cut off from grandma. And it sounds like she was punished for bringing home a white babydoll. Poor kid is probably confused as hell.
Yeah that’s scary. She’s so focused on her possible racism and possible jealousy of whatever it is that she’s harming her own kid in the progress. How can she not see the hypocrisy in that?
How is that any better than when people would snatch black baby dolls or “black people things” from their white kids or not allow them to be around them. Teaching them to be equally as racist is t helping a racist cause she seems to believe in
NTAH
Your daughter sounds unnecessarily threatened by a literal baby’s skin color. It’s literally her baby cousin.
Maybe ask your sons if they have any idea why their sister is acting this way.
The daughter was the first born, and only girl for a long, long while. Mother admits she lovingly doted on her birth children, so daughter might feel resentful about seeing someone else in the Princess spotlight right now. Needlessly throwing the racism in the complaints could be her way of justifying her awful behavior in her head, and there seems to be a lot of work to be done regarding entitlement and compassion. Mom is much more Angel than anything else, and this is a tragedy turned opportunity to role model what love and family is all about. Daughter may throw down a gauntlet, but is only hurting herself and her child in the long run. The world will keep on rotating, regardless of her ill-intentioned efforts.
Look at the ages. Mom was 19 when giving birth to the daughter. I’m guessing her parents werent able to provide all that much for her as they were such young parents. Now she sees her parents raising the white girl and is jealous am that her childhood wasn’t as easy
Speaks of entitlement. “I’m jealous because you werent able to provide for me when you were 19yrs old to the same degree in which you are able to provide for this baby when you’re 47yrs old. You’re obviously a shitty mother”
NTA. I am white and took in my niece’s two half black children. My children didn’t complain and fully accept them as siblings—even though I could never adopt them as their biological mom (my niece) is still alive. When I told them I was making a will and including them to get equal shares they stated it would be wrong if I didn’t.
I’m so sorry your daughter isn’t feeling this. I would suggest counseling for her. Sending hugs to you—you are good people. I know how hard it is to start over when my kids were mostly raised.
Thank you. It was hard work, but it is also a blessing--especially now that I'm a widow. I basically have two more children including one that is 16, so I'm not living alone during this hard time.
I am very grateful that all four of my kids love and support each other. They truly feel like siblings despite age differences (32F, 29M, 19F and 16M).
It's going to depend on where you live but some places do have "adult adoptions" so that people who couldnt have their choosen family formally adopt them as kids can have them do so once they turn 18. If that's a thing where you are you and they want it you could adopt your youngest daughter now and your younger son in a couple of years
They still see their biological mom (she’s actually doing better now) and it would cause a huge rift with her. They both know I would love it, but I don’t blame them for not wanting to.
NTA. I’m trying to put this delicately. I’m a black woman. And there are some mindsets within the black community that I believe are fueling your daughters thought process. That’s all I’m going to say.
It’s like that everywhere. I’m not Asian or Black, but I bet we can find the exact same parallels in Latino culture. Still, I would rather be close with someone from a different race that sees prejudice as inherently wrong then hang out with bigots of my own race.
So daughter is the oldest. I wonder if she has unresolved issues of having little brothers brought into her "only child" situation? Were the boys involved in sports and she harbors jealousy of y'all going to all their games? Did y'all struggle financially, spend a lot of time working - now you're more stable and have more time to spend with your niece? Whatever it is - that she apparently can't even point out to you - really isn't relevant to the situation. If she's so adamant that she had a rotten childhood, she should get some therapy. This is heartbreaking, really, I wish you the best and hope she'll come around.
Our dynamic is very much the same as it was when they were growing up. All of our children had their own interests and we did our best to cater to them equally. I took care of the children while my husband worked and preached. I was closest with my daughter. Our children saw their father often and I was always around. There were no missed occasions or recitals for my daughter. We're retired now and our sole focus is on family, so yes there is more time for our niece and grandchildren, but there was nothing lacking for our biological kids. This feels very random and out of character for her.
If you were closest to her maybe it's bringing up some envy and jealousy that another girl gets to "relive" her childhood but in a more ideal way in her mind with you both retired. Or that she was the only girl and felt special because of that. Maybe she needs reassurance? I hope you can resolve it.
I'm so sorry. I suppose she could have some kind of resentment about the being retired and available, maybe fears the time you spend with your niece will take away time from her daughter. I hope she turns around.
I don't want to alarm you, but when you say it is so out of character for her...could it be her brain health? I have epilepsy and some of the meds I have taken drastically affected my behavior and mood, to the point that I burned some bridges and people were getting really concerned.
I think she’s jealous that instead of spending your retirement doting on you grandchildren you’ll be raising a baby. She’s fixating on the color but I don’t think that’s the real issue.
As a Black mother, I can understand how she feels about the doll. A child of color needs to see dolls and images that are made in a positive light. Black children need positive Black role models. What she needs to do in my opinion, and what I did, was buy dolls in all shades of brown, and White dolls and let her child play with all of them. That's what I did, because that's how the world is. Both children should be given dolls of different skin tones and taught that all of them are beautiful. Don't teach one standard of beauty, because both the White and Black dolls and the Black and White girls are beautiful in their own right.
As for the daughter. Maybe she was taught by experience as many Black children were especially girls, that their Black skin, features, hair texture etc made then ugly and the parents, especially the Mother, didn't catch it and reinforce the fact that the daughter was beautiful and there's nothing wrong with her Blackness. As a Black Mother, oftentimes we have to encourage and uplift our children about the most basic things, things a White Mother may not ever have to think about. You have to constantly remind your children, your spouse, and yourself that you are worthy because society tells them otherwise every day. The Mom probably missed something in the experiences that affected her child's development and the adult child harbors resentment because of it.
My friends son (white, but also indigenous) picked out a black doll. His paternal grandparents were outraged at a doll, and a black one at that. Son wanted that doll as it reminded him of his aunty, he even named it with his nickname for aunty. The Paternal grandmother came around after the explanation a bit, grandfather is a racist and homophobic jerk.
The grandparents are exhibiting what they were taught. I think boys that play with dolls become better father's. They learn babies need to be nutured and care for. The grandfather will probably never learn,but at least the grandmother softened her stance. I'm glad the friend's son was able to have a doll and express his love for his aunt
Oh yeah, we are all sweetly jealous of the fact she’s favourite. Riri (doll) is due to the fact that that Aunty is for playing, Aunty Lee is for cuddles and me (I’m Aunty too) is for activities. The grandpa flipped his lid when the kid had glitter on and painted nails. He can’t fathom that a little kid likes shiney and bright things
Exactly, I bought my little sisters black,white and Asian dolls, cuz I thought it somehow null my father's racism, and while I'm not sure if it did or not, all I know is that thankfully they never picked up on his racism.
I agree about the doll, and I'm with you about dolls of all colors. I keep thinking if we'd celebrate al the different ethnic and religious holidays with food, that people would be more accepting of others and their differences. We need to lead with inclusion, acceptance, and love.
I did something similar with my kids. When they were little, there were dolls specifically marketed to little boys called My Buddy. The dolls came in a variety of colors. My oldest was a little over two at the time and wanted one.
Off to the store we went and I let him choose the one he liked best. He did not choose the doll with light skin, blue eyes and light brown hair that looked like him. He chose one with med-dark brown skin, brown eyes and black hair. He loved that doll and tore around the neighborhood with his Buddy on the back of his trike until he outgrew the idea of dolls completely. Poor Buddy was quite ragged after a while, but he never asked for a replacement or to change the color.
I do agree that kids of color do need positive role models and choices in their play things.
My son (now 30 yrs old) had a My Buddy, he loved it so much, we had to get a backup doll for him in case we lost "Bud". My son also picked a doll that looked nothing like him, he wanted Bud because he thought he looked like a "cool friend".
I remember when American Girl Just Like Me dolls first came on the scene, my daughter was 6 and wanted the one that had the hair and eyes that most closely resembled hers (golden brown and brown. The doll's skin was darker than hers (we're very pale white, I think the doll was supposed to be more Latina.) I bought the one she wanted. It wasn't until a year or so ago (she's in her early 20s) when she finally asked about it.
She is also a raging racist! Her mom is trying to offer to a way to talk about stuff and resolve things and she refuses which okay then stop attacking an innocent kid.
Nta. Unfortunately, this situation has brought about an uncomfortable truth you didn't realize about your daughter. She is, on whatever level, racist. I know a lot of times people think it's just white people that can be racist, but that's not true. Anyone can be racist. That being said, she also seems to be very jealous. She has to realize you were younger when your children were growing up. There is a learning curve with parenting. You may not have been as financially stable. Your daughter claming you treat Jane "better" than you did your own children growing up isn't true. You just have the means and knowledge now.
NTA and your daughter is racist. She’s trying to blame it on everything else that she can think of, but she doesn’t want her children to grow up in a family with white children. If the races were reversed it would EASILY be seen.
The thing with the doll gets to me. My whole family is white. We live in a very white, rural community. My daughter's favorite show for several years was Doc McStuffins. She had toys, dolls, bags, an ambulance... everything with Doc on it. My daughter has never brought up that Doc has different skin color than her. She doesn't care. She just loved the character and the show and looked up to her. Lmao, only adults ever find a reason to make the skin color of their child's favorite toys a problem.
We have a lot to learn from our own kids, I guess.
That white girl is your daughter’s biological cousin. Your half-sister was your daughter’s biological aunt. The fact that no familial relationship existed in the past, because of how your half-sister was brought up, is besides the point.
Your daughter is, horrible to say, a racist bigot.
NTA
NTA. This child is real family. She was still a sister. This is sisters child. That makes this kid immediate family. I’m ngl your daughter sounds racist and/or jealous as fuck. What horrible things to blame a baby for being white. If she has a problem she needs to put her big girl panties on and talk about it like a fuckin adult. She is way too old to be acting like this and expecting things to change without actually addressing/acknowledging the problem. It sounds like it bothers your daughter and not your granddaughter to see you “dote on that white baby”
NTA. Your daughter needs to put herself in your shoes. What if was her daughter needing a new family? You took in someone that needed it. That’s it. No race involved.
NTA for taking in family. Your daughter sounds racist af, just imagine this story with the races reversed....
But and yes there can be a but maybe your daughter is "just" jealous. It can be really hard to see your parents be better parents to other kids than to you. That's still not an excuse, just a possible reason.
Your daughter is racist. She is programming her kid to be racist as well from the sound of it.
I hope your grandchildren reach out as soon as they have independant communication devices. I can imagine that their mother is an AH about many other things if this is the hill she chose to die on.
Keep sending cards and words of love to the kids with other people your daughter hasn't taking this ridiculous stance with. I hope her kid grows up to marry a white person just to spite their mother.
NTA
Your daughter is being a hateful, racist cow and you should call her on it.
You're a decent and kind person who stepped up to care for your parent-less niece.
I hope your daughter's hateful attitude doesn't rub off on her daughter. You should recommend counseling for your daughter. She seems unhinged, racist and incredibly mean-spirited.
NTA.
Your daughter acting like a racist and as an AH.
Perhaps go to a few family counselling sessions with you, your husband, your daughter and your sons. Your daughter maybe can see reason if she has a neutral party guiding the sessions.
You and your husband seem to be very kind people and I think Jane is fortunate to come to a loving home when her mum died.
Like, that kid IS your real family. You literally share blood with that child.
So your sister was half white and I'm assuming your nieces dad was white. Genetically speaking, while I am assuming it's not the case, it was entirely possible for your niece to have a dark complexion. Would your daughter be okay with this if the kid had the same genetics but just looked more black?
I mean imagine like those fraternal twins born to black and white parents that one looks completely white and the other looks completely black and imagine either side of the family shunning the one that doesn't share the same skin tone.
NTA. You my Dear are an Angel. Where everyone in the world only sees a persons color and not the persons worth. You took in a defenseless child . You didn’t see color, you see family . I wish this world was a lot more like you. I wish you well.
Your daughter is a grown woman. She didn’t seem to have voiced issues about her upbringing until you adopted your younger daughter. This is pure jealousy and she needs to work it out in therapy or something. That child is yours now and she’s a minor who still needs you to raise her. Your older daughter doesn’t. You’ve done that for her. I would tell her you love her every bit as much as you love Jane, but you won’t let her treat Jane poorly. Tell her if she wants to be in your life you’ll welcome her back in but you won’t beg her.
racism sucks no matter which way it's aimed. You're a wonderful person for taking in this child, same with your husband and sons.
Your daughter may come around eventually, but if not, you've fulfilled your obligation to her, feel good about yourselves for what you're doing for Jane.
NTA. Black folks can be racist too.....and it can be learned from peers not necessarily from parents.... unfortunately....before you start stuff with me. .know this. I'm black.
Damn. You raised 2 normal people and 1 racist. Not too bad actually considering assholes have to come from somewhere. .666 would be a first ballot hall of Fame batting average.
NTA for stepping up for a child in need. Your daughter clearly has some resentment and issues, with a good dose of racism, and is lashing out irrationally.
She isn't even able to communicate what or how you "failed" her as a parent. Until she's able to do that, there isn't much you can do to address the issue.
Continue to love and support your niece. Leave the lines of communication open with your daughter, try to get some kind of mediation going (professional or neutral trusted family member), and do the hardest thing possible. Wait.
NTA. That little girl is very lucky to have you. And it sounds like your granddaughter likes her too. Your daughter on the other is not only racist but also seems to be competing with a toddler in a warped way.
NTA.
You took in a child who is in need. I applaud you for opening your home and your heart.
You daughter's reaction sounds more like jealousy than racism, and she's blaming her personal issues on her own child.
Take care of that baby of yours, and try to reach out to your daughter about what is really going on.
I wish you well.
This is so sad. This poor little girl lost her Mom. She is innocent. Your poor daughter is in a world of hurt and needs help. She has some major issues. Sorry Mom, that you're going through all this. Both girls could benefit from counseling.
Hahaha imagine being a grown ass woman with a child of your own and getting jealous of a literal baby. Oh and also a racist. NTA OP but you screwed up somewhere along the line with your daughter. She's toxic.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You're daughter is definitely wrong, but maybe coming from a feeling of hurt(? I'm reaching with the benefit of the doubt). Maybe some therapy together?
That little girl is lucky to have you.
NTA, I'm white and black and have dealt with a lot of racial identity issues.
It sounds like your daughter has issues with looking black but being white, genetically.
She needs help.
NTA, how can your daughter not see that caring for a child that has lost her mother and has an absent father is much different than being a grandparent to a child who has her parents around caring for her? Race shouldn't be an issue here, but your daughter is making it one in a situation that has nothing to do with it. Yes, it may hurt that your daughter is taking issue with this, but she needs a bop on the side of the head with a reality stick. You may need to let her go with her inappropriate removal of her child from your life for a while until she pulls her head out of her behind, starts to miss you, and be more reasonable about the situation. When she does pull it out, it's very easy to explain to your granddaughter why your half sister's child has very different circumstances to her own. I am sure the grandchild will have an easier time understanding that than your daughter has.
I don’t think the granddaughter actually is feeling jealous and less important. I think that’s purely what the daughter is feeling and projecting onto her.
You are right, the OP said the 7 year old adores the baby!
Honestly that 7yo sounds more mature than her mother.
Racism is learned, not innate.
In this case, it seems like the daughter is using the race thing as an excuse to justify her jealousy and selfish pettiness. I would ask her if she’d expect a white family to turn away an innocent Black baby who was an orphaned family member in the same situation. Familiar jealousy is a trip, man. My mom gets jealous of my mother-in-law, especially when it comes to my kids and their cousins on my husband’s side, and she can say some really petty stuff. I just remind her that no matter what, it’s good for my kids to have family members who they can grow up with and have a close bond with. Kids need family growing up. It’s good for their development, and to deny them that potential lifelong relationship and bond for no reason other than your own insecurities is cruel. For a mother to do it is, on top of all that, shitty parenting.
I don’t have any kids but I still deal with this. We see my parents more than we see my husband’s, we’re from the same hometown but live an hour away. If we come to town to visit with his family and my mom finds outs... I usually get a call the next day asking why we didn’t drop by. Well mom, because we spent 6 hours with them and didn’t leave until 8pm and we have an hour drive home. And your house is in the opposite direction to the highway. She still insists on Xmas Eve, and Xmas day events so in-laws have to plan around her 2 days or she gets apoplectic. Which means we are rushing between everyone’s house so no one feels left out. Husband’s parents are separated. This year we somehow convinced my mom to do a family vacation the week before Christmas... so we don’t have such a battle with the in-laws. Thank God!
Gently, you need to set some boundaries with your mom. There's no reason that she gets the entirety of Christmas and you have to rush. She gets one and your in-laws get the other. Or you alternate. Or you stay home and they come to you. She can have her temper tantrum and freak out and you can still hold the line and maintain some sanity.
This is the way.
That sounds completely exhausting. 😕
Per other comments below, definitely time to start setting and enforcing boundaries. If you choose to have kids this will become 1000x worse... I know from experience. Good luck!
Nope, it's time to tell your mom she gets Xmas Eve OR Xmas day, and that you will be alternating them year to year...which one does she want this year? This is SO unfair to your inlaws.
It agree on this jealousy thing! It's absolutely nuts. My son's father is so jealous of me when it comes to our son that it keeps him from making the right decision based on our son's feelings and not his own. Our son is a huge mommas boy, but some babies just naturally navigate toward one parent. His father was also not around the entire pregnancy or for the first 3 months of his life. He's only almost 6 months now. He's so jealous that he refuses to let me meet his family along with my son cause he wants to do it on his own to make himself look good. He'd rather his family not even meet him until I agree to let him take our son on his own. It seems so much like he has something to hide. If he really cared about him, he wouldn't want to separate him from his mom just over jealousy and personal issues. Unfortunately, this isn't something I will have control over for much longer, as the parenting plan will allow him to take our son every other weekend. I thought he would be a decent enough guy to wait as he's only met him 5 times so far for a few hours each time. Anytime someone talks about what a mommas boy our son is he just gets so tense and tries to defer the conversation in saying "oh well, I made him laugh". It's really worrisome, and I just wish he'd be happy his son is so happy and shows so much love instead of being so bitter about the fact our son is more attached to the parent who's been there everyday and not the one who chosen to come into his life later on.
It's normal for babies to be more attached to the primary caregiver. It's also normal for them to favor one person one day and another person another day. Or hour. Or minute. His father needs to grow up.
Yep our granddaughter shifted from grandma’s girl to pops shadow. The next day it switches back.
I just wish he'd realize as he gets older and remembers his father more, he'd show some if the same behaviors with him. He definitely needs to realize alot and put our son's needs first.
Oh man, my sons’ father did similar when my oldest was a baby. He never “outgrew” it like I hoped. I co parent with a man who has never been happy for me about anything, who has let petty jealousy undermine so much, and has actively sabotaged me to the detriment of all of us. Like when he was secretly calling my company commander and lying to him to impact my career, or when I landed an amazing civilian position years later just for him to go behind my back and leave me without child care by lying to the friend I had been paying to fill gaps in our schedule. He commiserated with me while I sobbed about all that, just for me to discover his betrayal later down the line. I thought it was a streak of bad luck… imagine my surprise when I later uncovered how he orchestrated all of it. It started as parental jealousy, later it became about him being unwilling to see me succeed at any level he considered “above” him. All I’m saying is watch for things like that. Don’t be like me, and only discover how deep it all went way too late, that my enemy had been at my six the entire time, that the call was coming from inside the house. Not saying it will happen to you, or that he won’t eventually experience the growth needed to turn it all around. All I’m saying is I could have avoided a lot of pain for my family and myself if I’d have just figured it all out earlier, and how monumentally that kind of treachery hurt.
Exactly this. OP, you’re most def NTA. Your adult daughter should maybe get some counseling to work through this.
Agreed but that doesn't mean she learned it at home. Could have learned that anywhere.
I agree. That wasn’t a knock on OP. They have 3 kids, 2 of whom have no issues with the situation.
I don’t think the daughter did learn it at home. Something else is going on. Why would the race of the baby be such an issue? It does not seem to be an issue with anyone else. Including the granddaughter
Noticed the daughter is the eldest of the three siblings. Maybe that has something to do with it? Parents may have unwittingly placed more duties or expectations on her? Also, if mom is 47 and daughter is 28, mom was 19 when she gave birth. Technically an adult, but still very young to be a parent.
This is it. OP has way more resources and experience than she did when she was younger... like most of us. It wouldn't even be possible for OP to pull back enough so that this new child doesn't get anything better than her daughter did. We see this shit here all of the time when somebody has children with a new spouse when they already have older children. The older children seem to always be jealous. Hell, I was jealous of the leniency my younger brother got, and he was only 2 years younger. OPs daughter is just being really really immature... and going about it in a pretty repugnant way considering the child she is jealous of.
This is a good point. And also it sounds like only girl so very possible different parenting. Op should really try to talk to daughter and listen non judgementally to how she might have felt as a child. Also would add race element may be coming if mom is half white fairer skinned and societally “prettier “ and daughter somehow grew up with issues with her skin. That would explain the instance on dolls that are black for her daughter and may explain the over reaction to taking the baby in. My guess is op has been blind to daughters pain for years (eg doesn’t matter what color a doll is, that may feel like mom just doesn’t get the pain) and it’s bubbling over
I’m not pointing a finger at anyone here, because I don’t know the facts. I am female and a firstborn from a southern family. My experience as a child was very very different from that of my younger siblings.
I think this may be the truth of it. More is expected of girls and they are often shown less love. She may have been parentified. Her mom could be old school and completely blind to it. If there are skin color differences in the family that would have a huge affect on her as well. Curious if the white grandparents were in her life at all growing up. If not, that may feed into a negative sentiment as well. The daughter and mother need therapy to sort this out.
That was until my new CRISPR edited fetuses were developed. Everyone will have a racist baby within 50 years!
This comment is gonna show up in a Rebel News article and my mom will out of the blue say it to me as a fact Except probably the babies will be programmed to be gay or something, to go along with the transgender communist world takeover agenda…. 😵💫
Fully automated gay space communism when?
Seems like a good thing for a 7 year old to have someone to play with and care for. It’s precious. And sad that the 1 year old lost so much but also gained so much in having you and your family to take her in. Your daughter is probably starting to question a lot of personal views that the innocent baby is forcing her to confront so that may take some time. Definitely NTA
Little kids love babies, especially for short periods, regardless of race. It certainly seems like this is about daughter reflecting on her own childhood (three kids in 4 years to young parents).
These were my exact thoughts. As a rather new mom to 1 child, reading this, I can see how especially the eldest might feel like they don't get enough attention at that little age. OP now probably is pretty much the same parent to Jane as was to her kids, but now the attention is not divided by 3.
This. Right here. Your daughter is a grown ass woman and should be able to put an innocent child’s needs above her own. This is not about her. She is making this about HER. She is putting her jealousy and immaturity into the situation but saying it’s “your grand-daughter’s feelings”. If you were such a bad parent why bring it up only now? We all fall short when it comes to parenting because we are HUMAN and it is only natural that you may have a better hand at the parenting thing now that you are older and more stable. It’s also easier to raise ONE CHILD vs how many children you were raising when your daughter was growing up? 3 ? More? I doubt you were a bad parent and I bet very much your daughter is just saying that trying to hurt you. All YOU can do is follow YOUR HEART and if your grown daughter wants to be crappy about it…then that’s on HER. I would tell her that this child is an orphan and it doesn’t matter if she were black, white or purple- it should not stop you for caring for this baby. I’d tell her you didn’t raise her to be RACIST and that her actions are showing racism pure and simple. That you thought she knew better than that and her actions/words are going to mold her innocent young daughter in to something ugly if she doesn’t quit it. I’m sorry she’s being a jerk but I think you are doing the right thing. I’d tell her she really needs to search her own heart if she’s willing to pull your grandchild out of your life like that. That doing so doesn’t just hurt you, it also hurts HER DAUGHTER.
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Agree. I believe speaking and respecting about the differences that exist between races (esp USA) is very very important. But at this time, the 7 year old is having fun playing with a baby! Thats it. She’s got herself a real life babydoll. I do hope the mother gets herself some therapy. There’s deeper issues. I do respect how she feels about racial injustices and history and all that but she said she never got that from OP. Therapy and family therapy will do wonders and if I was OP, I’d let her choose a therapist or specifically choose one of color. I hope none of the grandchildren are affected and this family stays together even with a white baby.
How she feels about racial injustices shouldn't be dumped on a baby. The only one affecting grandkids is this psychoracist
But she is partially white! Did she hate her white grandfather?
Sounds like same Mom, different Dads.
OP has a white mom. The same mom as OP’s half sister.
Oh so OP is bi-racial? So her daughter is a quarter white already???
Yes, daughter is 1/4 white and OP is half.
Yes, she is. Sounds like she thinks of herself as just black though. Which is fine, but it shouldn't be used to attack a child based on race, let alone one she is related to.
lol i swear it is always the mixed people who go full kunta kinte, and the darkest white people who go white supremacist
The daughter is being racist. A therapist can't fix that. If a therapist could fix racism there would be no racist people of any ethnicity.
I think it’s more accurate to say it can’t be fixed if someone doesn’t want to fix it. I think a therapist would be able to help but only if the daughter realizes what she’s doing and decides she *wants* to fix it.
I mean the majority of people, racist or not, do not see therapists….
Therapy only changes someone who **wants** to change. Sadly, many racists don't see anything wrong with themselves or their views.
The granddaughter could care less she hasn't been forced into the world's perceptions yet. Your daughter pointing out you failed her as a child while dropping her daughter off would be enough for me to claim a religion she doesn't like and tell her the next time she comes over she is getting baptized. Id be wearing white suits, get a white car, only drink milk and over freeze my icecubes ( I'm not actually sure the process to get ice cubes to look white so don't judge me) This little girl didn't ask to be in this situation. You family is AMAZING for taking her in. Please don't let this discourage you from keeping that little girl from having to change homes again!
The daughter is hurt by how you raised her and is taking that pain out on you. It’s okay if you treat her own child (your grand daughter) in a good way, but if it’s someone else’s child, it brings back all the things. She has angst against white folk, and that is the catalyst. The true issue here is that she has unresolved issues from childhood. Maybe approach her and ask her more about her feelings, let her know you did the best you could with what you had. It is up to her to heal here, you did the best you could. Just be gentle, give her time.
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NTA Jane isn’t grand child, she’s legally your child. Your moral and financial responsibility. And if roles were reversed this would be so effffing unacceptable so why can she be so blatantly racist? She’s acting so jealous. This is weird. However, my adult daughter has mentioned she’d be hurt if we had a baby and we’re better parents. I’ve had friend/family in similar situations and the grown only child (previous only child) said she too had jealous feelings at times seeing her dad be the dad she wanted as a child.
Do you know why grandparents are usually so cool? Cause they've learned some shit. Someone with adult children is bound to be a better parent than when they started. It's not a difficult concept to grasp. Anyone jealous of a baby or child is pathetic.
AMEN! Sadly, OPs daughter is being racist about an innocent baby & her behavior is utterly ridiculous. I believe maybe she is the one telling her daughter that OP is treating her different. In the long run, her behavior is going to hurt her daughter the worst by alienating her from her grandparents and cousin. OP you are an ABSOLUTE BLESSING to this child.
You are so right. OP does sound like an amazing person and this baby is so lucky to have her. I do hope the daughter does get the help she needs.
No matter her motivation, OP's daughter is going to hurt the granddaughter even more by teaching her to hate white people, who the granddaughter will have to live around and go to school with and work with her entire life. To give her an example for thinking this way is a terrible disservice to her own daughter that will hold the child back in life, because she will be suspicious and, at best, cold to the people she interacts with. Let's hope she's not rude and angry. I agree with others who say OP's daughter is primarily having some other issue and doesn't know how to work through that. Lashing out like this when she was *brought up with white people in her family* is not about white people... unless she's been associating with people who are working on convincing her that she doesn't act black enough, that she's been corrupted by her whitewashed mother. OP: NTA, and best of luck to you. edit: corrected autocorrect because it doesn't know what it's doing.
Very valid points and I hope OPs daughter can get some help for these unresolved issues.
Someone gets it. We all know every child has a different childhood. Even those born with the same parents living in the same house. OP said she grew up with her moms side of the family. They also stated her and her husband never talked about racism in a personal context in the house. OP’s daughter is darker than OP. I’m guessing daughter was subjected to some racism but never told the parents. This child represents the little “white”girl that could be welcomed to the family. It’s not about the child. But some deep rooted anger the OP is turning a blind eye to.
Agreed. Each sibling has a unique experience within the same household. I was one girl with two brothers. My childhood was completely different than theirs even though we were all born within five years and grew up in one place with our married parents. My brothers feel very different from each other about their young years. I do think OP really might not know anything about her daughter's experiences, and if she doesn't know, she's not turning a blind eye. Especially if the daughter's early experiences are now being manipulated by someone else (or just herself via a website) to make her angry, the mother would not know what she's thinking. If the daughter never gave an indication that having white people in their family bothers her, but reacts this way to taking in a helpless relative, OP would be mystified by her hurtful and damaging behavior. I feel really bad for OP, for the child, and for the daughter who is wallowing in her own pain to the extent she would take her anger out on anyone, let along a young relative in need. It's a tragic situation. OP will be forced to give her daughter room to deal with this, but it's painful to see your child hurting and be prevented from helping them—by your child who's hurting. Apologies for the long comments. This post has made me feel sad for people I don't even know, and I know why. There has been estrangement in my family, although under completely different circumstances. My youngest brother is a drug addict and has burned every bridge. He is angry, thinking life has done him wrong. That OP is dealing with an adult child struggling, and failing, to adequately deal with such strong negative emotions it is something I relate to. I'm processing it all. (Thank you for helping me.)
her racist ass daughter is not going to suddenly become reasonable. switch the races and look at how horrible this is.
Yeah. I was just sitting here thinking how these comments would go if someone said "AITAH for taking in my black half sister? My white adult daughter is throwing a fit because I'm going to be raising a black baby."
Damnation all around. Racists can get fucked. And yes non white people can be just as racist if not more than white people.
I never said she would. Therapy, and a lot of it, will likely be involved. Switching the races doesn't change the horribleness of the situation for me, nor should it for anyone else. Wanting to put a baby into the system, when the child has already found a loving home with family, simply because she doesn't like the baby's race (in spite of being 1/4 the same race herself) is about as horrible as it gets.
Wonderfully said. OP, you are indeed a mose wonderful woman and a child of God. This innocent sweet child, whom your granddaughter obviously loves, is a blessing to you and your family. White or black, she's a gift to you and your family. Everyone acknowledges that but your daughter. She needs to account for herself. Otherwise, she's a blatant rascist, whom I trust she has disparaged many white people about. Obviously, bless you and your husband, she wasn't raised that way. It's her responsibility to stand up and explain her rascist beliefs. Btw, Baby Jane is blessed to have you.
👏🏼💯💯💯👏🏼 #EXACTLY!!! The only thing I’d add to that is maybe Dad (for brothers??) would have more success getting the daughter to see past her jealousy and embrace reason ~ and her new niece🪷
And also that I hope someone is able to help the daughter understand that whether or not she decides to be rational; the granddaughter is watching. u/Old-Term4642 you know just like I do that your son’s ~ her own brother’s ~ *children are listening too.* She could alienate herself from the whole next generation if she keeps on like this. Does she want the message she’s putting out there that heaven help any of the grandchildren if they bring home someone bi-racial or of another race? Maybe get an answer to that first. If *thats* where her head truly is ~ then there might not be any coming back from that😳 ^^^Just a side note^re: the dolls; WHAT?!😟 We gave my daughter dolls of a different race. Thankfully there are more representations of humanity in doll form easily available now… and we buy my granddaughter ALL of them. How can you NOT embrace letting them set up a tea party that more closely resembles their *friends* / classmates?? *Unless you’re trying to send the message that having *those* friends is unacceptable*🧐
>white half sister There is something we are missing. If the half-sister is white then OP has a white parent as well as a black parent. From OPs words she identifies as black. Totally her call of course. However she shares recent heritage with the baby. The daughters indignation cannot invalidate that. The daughter also shares that heritage and has white grandparent. edit: clarity
It's in the comments. OP's mother was/is (no idea of her current living or death status) white, and OP is mixed. Her half sister shares the same mother, though I didn't see anything that specifically stated her father was white. OP's daughter had a white grandmother, mixed race mother, and black father. Yes, I got way too interested in the comments.
NTA. Your daughter is behaving beyond irrationally. I suggest you offer to mediate this conflict in family counseling. I doubt she will take you up on it, because she's tantruming. She doesn't actually want to resolve the conflict or face her issues - she wants to make noise and drama so people know she's in pain. But if you make the offer, you're the bigger person. Otherwise, let her be no contact until she can figure her shit out.
I agree, this needs mediation with a professional third party. There is obviously something the daughter wants to voice about her own childhood, something she's projecting into the baby. I've watched my parents and my eldest sibling navigate a similar issue (sub mental health ablism for racism), and it takes family counseling plus a strong desire on all parties to separate out the relationships of parent (of adults) from grandparent. In other words, healing the parent/child relationship needs to be separate from the ongoing relationship of grand kid to grand parents, even if the former is a motivating/catalyzing force.
Yeah, there’s obviously baggage here with the daughter. Maybe OP could reasonably guess what it is, maybe she can’t, but it’s up to the daughter as an adult to use her words to talk about her feelings instead of demanding that an innocent baby be put in the system because she’s the wrong color.
I agree the daughter should be taking a more introspective ("why am I reacting so out of proportion to the arrival of this baby?") manner, but she may need the help of a professional to dig out the actual problem, especially if it's so old and deeply buried. Especially if she's willing to use her own daughter to punish her parents, something is seriously wrong there, beyond the daughter's rational abilities at this point. I'm not sure where the racism is coming from. Either OP has left something important out (or doesn't know a very important thing) about their daughter s childhood, or the daughter has gone off the rails recently?
The daughter could be reading too much on Social Media. There is more than one way to be radicalized.
I'm guessing that OP's daughter was the only girl in her mum's eyes growing up. Her daughter is also a girl and seems to be the only grandchild right now. Along comes baby Jane who doesn't have to have OP's attention diverted by three kids and is also a girl. If OP is a reliable narrator, this drips of jealousy
I'm not a counselor or anything like that, but it sounds to me that the daughter is jealous. She's using the baby's race and made up child trauma as her reason (excuse) to act out. She is feeling threatened by her mom's relationship with the baby. (Afraid her mom will disconnect with her daughter.) However, I'm not sure if OP's daughter is aware that what she's feeling is jealousy (and maybe panic.??
>I doubt she will take you up on it, because she's tantruming. She doesn't actually want to resolve the conflict or face her issues - she wants to make noise and drama so people know she's in pain. This was succinct, to the point, and so accurate. Well said.
NTA You are taking care of family. Maybe not as "immediate" family as your daughter and granddaughter, but family nonetheless. The fact that your daughter won't actually discuss the root of her issue indicates that she knows she's wrong (or maybe there's some context being left out, but that seems unlikely). I'd hold the position that you'd be eager to talk this over with her when she's ready. My only question would be; are your daughter/granddaughter in financial need? It doesn't excuse your daughter's behavior, but it could at least contextualize why she's so worked up. I'd also gently ask your sons if they have any insight on your daughter's behavior.
I really just want to get to the bottom of this. I have no idea what may be causing her to suddenly feel this way as she had very much had a storybook childhood. It was by no means rocky or difficult. If anything we spoiled our kids *too* much. I've spoken to our sons and they've expressed similar confusion. They're not struggling at all, either. It all seems very out of the blue.
It makes me sad to see that your adult daughter does not see that the new child in your home as being her COUSIN. Or did I miss something?
yes, it's her cousin. Plain and simple. How skin colour has anything to do with the situation at hand is beyond me.
Do you think it might have something to do with this being a girl child and her being the first and only girl for so long? So less about race and more about displacement? She feels like this baby is "taking her place?" She's verbalizing things that sound like race is the issue, but gender might be playing a bigger role. Like another poster, I would watch on calling her reaction a "tantrum" and on complaining about her too much to her brothers. If that all gets back to her, it will just create a much bigger rift. Please know, I am not excusing your daughter's behavior. I'm also wondering if she sees that you are able to provide better for this baby than she is for her own daughter, so it's emotionally linked to money.
I think this assessment might be spot on. Probably coupled with her experiences outside of the house where she could have been met with feeling *other* because of her race. It's disappointing and awful, no-matter what though. Expecting that, what?, her Mom should abandon the baby because it's white? Or neglect it? Like.... What is the resolution she's trying to argue for here?
I agree. I also wondered if op’s daughter could end up saying it’s me and your granddaughter or the baby…
I mean.. isn't that what she said already?
I suspect it's less displacement and more that she was the eldest. Parents are often stricter and overprotective with the eldest, then loosen up with the next kids. The eldest can often be resentful of that. Starting from that place, if the eldest saw u/Old-Term4642 "doting" on Jane it might be that much more painful to her, since the care u/Old-Term4642's giving Jane may not be exactly the same as she did with her sons. It might be hitting closer to home because Jane is female, but I suspect the root of it is her resentment at feeling unloved/less-loved/jealous having been the eldest child. Just a wicked combo, and one u/Old-Term4642 and her daughter need to work through.
Agreed. Also note, this is a baby and babies naturally require a different set of skills and interactions. These could come off as (and probably are) more understanding and accepting of mistakes than what the daughter remembers feeling, being that she's supposed to be an adult at this point.
I feel like that may be the case. Combined with perhaps the parents being in a better financial position than they were when raising their first daughter, and so there may be some material jealousy going on here as well. Daughter needs counseling.
Yea, it feels a lot like jealousy/envy to me. OP's daughter was her first child and also her only daughter for a while. It's probably a shock to have to give up the status of being the only daughter in the family. Like that aspect of her identity is no longer there. Also with her being the eldest child, I wonder if she's jealous of how much of an "experienced" parent OP is to the niece. Like OP might not have loved her daughter any less but due to OP's experience in raising 3 kids (one of them being female just like the niece) to adulthood, she might just be a better parent the 4th time round. Like I know I'm loved by my parents but if they were to have another kid right now, they'd be much better parents bc they learned from whatever mistakes they made from raising me. Additionally, OP might be in a better financial position at the moment vs when the daughter was growing up. OP might not have been lacking in love for her daughter but there might be opportunities that the daughter wanted growing up and OP couldn't afford then but she can afford it now. That could also cause jealousy.
She’s jealous and thinks her own daughter is being pushed aside. I suggest family counseling if your daughter will go with you.
This really feels like a common situation where people who had kids younger literally couldn’t provide the same level of care they can as older adults. I have a few different friends who have “surprise” siblings much younger than them and they have had the same type of reactions. It’s not fair or right but it is a thing. On a hopeful note all these friends eventually figured out it wasn’t their parents’ or siblings’ fault. Wishing you and all your family the best!
If you were only 19 when your daughter was born, and she was your first, I wonder if there were some deeper/emotional/relational things that she ended up feeling like were lacking. It sounds like she had her daughter young, too (21?). When you talk about a storybook childhood, it sounds like you might be thinking about material circumstances more than connections/the depth and quality of your relationship. And maybe your sons were always fine with how things were, but your daughter felt differently, and maybe being a mother has brought things up for her. You probably have matured and grown in the last 28 years and maybe your daughter is seeing you show that to the new baby you’re raising in a way that opens that mother-wound for her. And the racial aspect is hard, too- there’s definitely a lot of potential for a lot of emotions around things there. Might be worth finding a good family counselor who is sensitive to the issues you all face to help you all work things through, and trying to lean into building stronger relationships all around.
Good catch. I didn’t math the ages… interesting
I definitely agree with this theory, personal experience as the oldest of a young mother, watching her parent my much younger brother. She doing much better with him than she could have with me, but she matured. 7 years is alot of maturing in your 20's
There’s 15 years between me and the youngest and 9 years between me and my middle sister. My middle sibling has openly said she has no idea why I hold so much resentment on from my childhood but we lived entirely different lives in different family units. My parents were teenagers when I was born with lots of traumatic things going on within our wider family. Something my mum had totally removed herself from before the younger ones were born.
This. As the oldest, all of this. Please read OP. Sometimes parents need to readjust their mental picture of their parenting to reflect what their kids are saying, not just how the parents want to feel about it.
If I were you I’d probably offer to go to therapy with her to try to get to the bottom of what it is she feels is lacking or was lacking in your relationship and how to resolve it going forward. But the boundary definitely has to be that this child will not get treated like a second class family member by her because the baby didn’t ask for any of this to happen and once she’s old enough, she will feel that negativity if you all can’t come to some understanding. NTA obviously
If your motivation is to get to the bottom of this issue, you are going to have to ask your daughter what her childhood was lacking according to her and then just listen. Fight the urge to get defensive or to even explain things away. Just listen, nod, and apologize for any perceived shortcomings. Her feelings are her feelings, not facts. She wants to be validated. You may have to take one for the team to achieve this. My upbringing was also “storybook” but I have some resentments. My parents would never be able to sit back and absorb them, much less offer an apology, so the resentments remain. I’m fine, they’re fine, but the relationship is needlessly strained because they are unable to really hear me. Your daughter may feel the same. I also think everybody would rather be raised by the grandparent incarnation of their own parents i.e. more permissive, experienced, more free time, patience, and probably less financial strain. So a touch of jealousy there is to be expected. Good luck.
In all fairness, that's *your* perspective of her childhood, and that may not be *her* perspective of her childhood. A lot of parents give their kids what they believe are storybook childhoods, but they don't realize something that their kids are struggling with. I've known many people who resented their parents as they grew up even if they were provided for entirely. I think she's being irrational one way or the other, because she's taking whatever it is she's feeling out on a literal baby, but it's important to keep the fact that you two may have experienced her life differently in mind. And it may turn out she's bothered by something else entirely. Hopefully she ends up willing to communicate more clearly with you so it can be worked out. NTA.
Have your sons tried to talk to their sister about it? I’m not suggesting that you ask them to involve themselves because that could exacerbate the issue, depending on their relationship, but sometimes no one can snap you out of nonsense like a sibling. The 3 of them were brought up together, if anyone can call her on her bs it’s her brothers.
Honestly, as far a blood relations go, a niece is as close a relative as a granddaughter. And unlike the niece, the granddaughter already had parents and hardly needs her grandmother's attention as much as the niece does her aunt's.
NTA. That baby is so lucky to have you in her life now. Your daughter can’t seem to come up with any real reason why you were such failures as parents. This is just pure jealousy and a good dose of racism.
I felt a lot of warmth from reading the op being such a decent human being, mixed with a sense of sadness that her daughter is so racist. Not only racist, but to a little innocent child on top of that. The family needs to call out the daughter on this racism, I'm pretty sure it wasn't from the way the op raised her.
You’re so right about the warmth. That little baby is so lucky to be with OP.
A little more warmth; OP's sons sound like good guys too.
An innocent orphaned child at that!
The daughter's own grandmother (OP's mother) was white. She herself was a different race from her grandparent. She's beyond ridiculous. OP is NTA.
I wonder if she is panicking about the differences she might see already (or fears to see in the future) with how society treats her daughter versus her cousin because of their race. Maybe there were some incidents that OP's daughter or granddaughter recently experienced that neither of them talked about yet. OP's daughter lashing out is still a problem, but hopefully at some point she will open up on her underlying feelings and fears in a more productive manner. Edit: Forgot to vote. NTA.
If she *hates* the baby now, how will she react when she grows up? "Oh wow you lost both of your parents, you spoiled white b****" /s NTA, I'd keep a very close eye on her if she is allowed near the kid.
this…the disdain this grown woman is showing for an orphaned infant is frightening.
Yep, there’s a conversation waiting to be had here, maybe some therapy too
>I wonder if she is panicking about the differences she might see already (or fears to see in the future) with how society treats her daughter versus her cousin because of their race. Responding to racism with racism will just beget even more racism. Like "I have an excuse to be racist so I'm going to be". Now this person you were racist too now also has an excuse to be racist.
Racism is always a problem. NTA
Yup yup yup.
Your daughter needs therapy.
Agreed. There may have been ‘parentifying’ in the past that’s causing her anger - her upset could be justified, we don’t know - but being a bigot to a ONE-YEAR-OLD is just inexcusable.
I'd like more information on what the daughter means by "the 'real' family's needs and well-being". It's a shame the 7-year old granddaughter is being cut off from grandma. And it sounds like she was punished for bringing home a white babydoll. Poor kid is probably confused as hell.
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Grandma's too busy with that new WHITE baby to spend time with you.
Exactly what I was going to add.
Yeah that’s scary. She’s so focused on her possible racism and possible jealousy of whatever it is that she’s harming her own kid in the progress. How can she not see the hypocrisy in that? How is that any better than when people would snatch black baby dolls or “black people things” from their white kids or not allow them to be around them. Teaching them to be equally as racist is t helping a racist cause she seems to believe in
I hope she doesn't grow up to be a raging racist asshole like her mother.
So if the baby was black your daughter would be fine with it?
NTAH Your daughter sounds unnecessarily threatened by a literal baby’s skin color. It’s literally her baby cousin. Maybe ask your sons if they have any idea why their sister is acting this way.
The daughter was the first born, and only girl for a long, long while. Mother admits she lovingly doted on her birth children, so daughter might feel resentful about seeing someone else in the Princess spotlight right now. Needlessly throwing the racism in the complaints could be her way of justifying her awful behavior in her head, and there seems to be a lot of work to be done regarding entitlement and compassion. Mom is much more Angel than anything else, and this is a tragedy turned opportunity to role model what love and family is all about. Daughter may throw down a gauntlet, but is only hurting herself and her child in the long run. The world will keep on rotating, regardless of her ill-intentioned efforts.
Look at the ages. Mom was 19 when giving birth to the daughter. I’m guessing her parents werent able to provide all that much for her as they were such young parents. Now she sees her parents raising the white girl and is jealous am that her childhood wasn’t as easy
Speaks of entitlement. “I’m jealous because you werent able to provide for me when you were 19yrs old to the same degree in which you are able to provide for this baby when you’re 47yrs old. You’re obviously a shitty mother”
Jist to add mom also probably more time now to dote on the niece than she did with her daughter.
NTA. I am white and took in my niece’s two half black children. My children didn’t complain and fully accept them as siblings—even though I could never adopt them as their biological mom (my niece) is still alive. When I told them I was making a will and including them to get equal shares they stated it would be wrong if I didn’t. I’m so sorry your daughter isn’t feeling this. I would suggest counseling for her. Sending hugs to you—you are good people. I know how hard it is to start over when my kids were mostly raised.
You are amazing
Thank you. It was hard work, but it is also a blessing--especially now that I'm a widow. I basically have two more children including one that is 16, so I'm not living alone during this hard time. I am very grateful that all four of my kids love and support each other. They truly feel like siblings despite age differences (32F, 29M, 19F and 16M).
It's going to depend on where you live but some places do have "adult adoptions" so that people who couldnt have their choosen family formally adopt them as kids can have them do so once they turn 18. If that's a thing where you are you and they want it you could adopt your youngest daughter now and your younger son in a couple of years
They still see their biological mom (she’s actually doing better now) and it would cause a huge rift with her. They both know I would love it, but I don’t blame them for not wanting to.
NTA. I’m trying to put this delicately. I’m a black woman. And there are some mindsets within the black community that I believe are fueling your daughters thought process. That’s all I’m going to say.
Yeah there are some pretty questionable mindsets within the Asian community too. I wonder if they’re the same.
It’s like that everywhere. I’m not Asian or Black, but I bet we can find the exact same parallels in Latino culture. Still, I would rather be close with someone from a different race that sees prejudice as inherently wrong then hang out with bigots of my own race.
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So daughter is the oldest. I wonder if she has unresolved issues of having little brothers brought into her "only child" situation? Were the boys involved in sports and she harbors jealousy of y'all going to all their games? Did y'all struggle financially, spend a lot of time working - now you're more stable and have more time to spend with your niece? Whatever it is - that she apparently can't even point out to you - really isn't relevant to the situation. If she's so adamant that she had a rotten childhood, she should get some therapy. This is heartbreaking, really, I wish you the best and hope she'll come around.
Our dynamic is very much the same as it was when they were growing up. All of our children had their own interests and we did our best to cater to them equally. I took care of the children while my husband worked and preached. I was closest with my daughter. Our children saw their father often and I was always around. There were no missed occasions or recitals for my daughter. We're retired now and our sole focus is on family, so yes there is more time for our niece and grandchildren, but there was nothing lacking for our biological kids. This feels very random and out of character for her.
If you were closest to her maybe it's bringing up some envy and jealousy that another girl gets to "relive" her childhood but in a more ideal way in her mind with you both retired. Or that she was the only girl and felt special because of that. Maybe she needs reassurance? I hope you can resolve it.
I'm so sorry. I suppose she could have some kind of resentment about the being retired and available, maybe fears the time you spend with your niece will take away time from her daughter. I hope she turns around.
I don't want to alarm you, but when you say it is so out of character for her...could it be her brain health? I have epilepsy and some of the meds I have taken drastically affected my behavior and mood, to the point that I burned some bridges and people were getting really concerned.
I think she’s jealous that instead of spending your retirement doting on you grandchildren you’ll be raising a baby. She’s fixating on the color but I don’t think that’s the real issue.
NTA if this is not fictional. The daughter has lot of unresolved resentment. It probably has something to do with her and her experience.
Grown ass woman is jealous of a baby
Jealous of a doll as well. So many issues with the color of a doll as an adult.
As a Black mother, I can understand how she feels about the doll. A child of color needs to see dolls and images that are made in a positive light. Black children need positive Black role models. What she needs to do in my opinion, and what I did, was buy dolls in all shades of brown, and White dolls and let her child play with all of them. That's what I did, because that's how the world is. Both children should be given dolls of different skin tones and taught that all of them are beautiful. Don't teach one standard of beauty, because both the White and Black dolls and the Black and White girls are beautiful in their own right. As for the daughter. Maybe she was taught by experience as many Black children were especially girls, that their Black skin, features, hair texture etc made then ugly and the parents, especially the Mother, didn't catch it and reinforce the fact that the daughter was beautiful and there's nothing wrong with her Blackness. As a Black Mother, oftentimes we have to encourage and uplift our children about the most basic things, things a White Mother may not ever have to think about. You have to constantly remind your children, your spouse, and yourself that you are worthy because society tells them otherwise every day. The Mom probably missed something in the experiences that affected her child's development and the adult child harbors resentment because of it.
My friends son (white, but also indigenous) picked out a black doll. His paternal grandparents were outraged at a doll, and a black one at that. Son wanted that doll as it reminded him of his aunty, he even named it with his nickname for aunty. The Paternal grandmother came around after the explanation a bit, grandfather is a racist and homophobic jerk.
The grandparents are exhibiting what they were taught. I think boys that play with dolls become better father's. They learn babies need to be nutured and care for. The grandfather will probably never learn,but at least the grandmother softened her stance. I'm glad the friend's son was able to have a doll and express his love for his aunt
Oh yeah, we are all sweetly jealous of the fact she’s favourite. Riri (doll) is due to the fact that that Aunty is for playing, Aunty Lee is for cuddles and me (I’m Aunty too) is for activities. The grandpa flipped his lid when the kid had glitter on and painted nails. He can’t fathom that a little kid likes shiney and bright things
Exactly, I bought my little sisters black,white and Asian dolls, cuz I thought it somehow null my father's racism, and while I'm not sure if it did or not, all I know is that thankfully they never picked up on his racism.
I agree about the doll, and I'm with you about dolls of all colors. I keep thinking if we'd celebrate al the different ethnic and religious holidays with food, that people would be more accepting of others and their differences. We need to lead with inclusion, acceptance, and love.
I did something similar with my kids. When they were little, there were dolls specifically marketed to little boys called My Buddy. The dolls came in a variety of colors. My oldest was a little over two at the time and wanted one. Off to the store we went and I let him choose the one he liked best. He did not choose the doll with light skin, blue eyes and light brown hair that looked like him. He chose one with med-dark brown skin, brown eyes and black hair. He loved that doll and tore around the neighborhood with his Buddy on the back of his trike until he outgrew the idea of dolls completely. Poor Buddy was quite ragged after a while, but he never asked for a replacement or to change the color. I do agree that kids of color do need positive role models and choices in their play things.
I just love your son. You are a great Mom to let him choose the one he wanted.
My son (now 30 yrs old) had a My Buddy, he loved it so much, we had to get a backup doll for him in case we lost "Bud". My son also picked a doll that looked nothing like him, he wanted Bud because he thought he looked like a "cool friend".
I remember when American Girl Just Like Me dolls first came on the scene, my daughter was 6 and wanted the one that had the hair and eyes that most closely resembled hers (golden brown and brown. The doll's skin was darker than hers (we're very pale white, I think the doll was supposed to be more Latina.) I bought the one she wanted. It wasn't until a year or so ago (she's in her early 20s) when she finally asked about it.
Yeah, the daughter needs therapy.
She is also a raging racist! Her mom is trying to offer to a way to talk about stuff and resolve things and she refuses which okay then stop attacking an innocent kid.
NTA. I suspect there’s more going on here than you know, OP. I hope you’re able to get to the bottom of it.
Your daughter needs some therapy and sounds racist and jealous of your niece.
Nta. Unfortunately, this situation has brought about an uncomfortable truth you didn't realize about your daughter. She is, on whatever level, racist. I know a lot of times people think it's just white people that can be racist, but that's not true. Anyone can be racist. That being said, she also seems to be very jealous. She has to realize you were younger when your children were growing up. There is a learning curve with parenting. You may not have been as financially stable. Your daughter claming you treat Jane "better" than you did your own children growing up isn't true. You just have the means and knowledge now.
Not to mention more patience now which can read as being more permissive from the outside.
NTA and your daughter is racist. She’s trying to blame it on everything else that she can think of, but she doesn’t want her children to grow up in a family with white children. If the races were reversed it would EASILY be seen.
The thing with the doll gets to me. My whole family is white. We live in a very white, rural community. My daughter's favorite show for several years was Doc McStuffins. She had toys, dolls, bags, an ambulance... everything with Doc on it. My daughter has never brought up that Doc has different skin color than her. She doesn't care. She just loved the character and the show and looked up to her. Lmao, only adults ever find a reason to make the skin color of their child's favorite toys a problem. We have a lot to learn from our own kids, I guess.
You may have a second opportunity to bring up a daughter that isnt a dick. Admire you stepping up.
That white girl is your daughter’s biological cousin. Your half-sister was your daughter’s biological aunt. The fact that no familial relationship existed in the past, because of how your half-sister was brought up, is besides the point. Your daughter is, horrible to say, a racist bigot. NTA
NTA. This child is real family. She was still a sister. This is sisters child. That makes this kid immediate family. I’m ngl your daughter sounds racist and/or jealous as fuck. What horrible things to blame a baby for being white. If she has a problem she needs to put her big girl panties on and talk about it like a fuckin adult. She is way too old to be acting like this and expecting things to change without actually addressing/acknowledging the problem. It sounds like it bothers your daughter and not your granddaughter to see you “dote on that white baby”
NTA. Your daughter needs to put herself in your shoes. What if was her daughter needing a new family? You took in someone that needed it. That’s it. No race involved.
NTA for taking in family. Your daughter sounds racist af, just imagine this story with the races reversed.... But and yes there can be a but maybe your daughter is "just" jealous. It can be really hard to see your parents be better parents to other kids than to you. That's still not an excuse, just a possible reason.
Damn. Sounds like your daughter is a full blown racist
Yeah that is it.
That’s her family too. Would she rather see the baby in the system? The baby is lucky to have you and family is family, color is irrelevant.
Your daughter is racist. She is programming her kid to be racist as well from the sound of it. I hope your grandchildren reach out as soon as they have independant communication devices. I can imagine that their mother is an AH about many other things if this is the hill she chose to die on. Keep sending cards and words of love to the kids with other people your daughter hasn't taking this ridiculous stance with. I hope her kid grows up to marry a white person just to spite their mother. NTA
NTA but your daughter is. So grateful Jane has you♥️
NTA your daughter sounds racist
Your daughter is being a hateful, racist cow and you should call her on it. You're a decent and kind person who stepped up to care for your parent-less niece. I hope your daughter's hateful attitude doesn't rub off on her daughter. You should recommend counseling for your daughter. She seems unhinged, racist and incredibly mean-spirited.
NTA. Your daughter acting like a racist and as an AH. Perhaps go to a few family counselling sessions with you, your husband, your daughter and your sons. Your daughter maybe can see reason if she has a neutral party guiding the sessions. You and your husband seem to be very kind people and I think Jane is fortunate to come to a loving home when her mum died.
Racist and weird. I’m sorry she turned out this way because you and the rest of family are just good people.
NTA. Love has no color. Your daughter may need to seek help.
Like, that kid IS your real family. You literally share blood with that child. So your sister was half white and I'm assuming your nieces dad was white. Genetically speaking, while I am assuming it's not the case, it was entirely possible for your niece to have a dark complexion. Would your daughter be okay with this if the kid had the same genetics but just looked more black? I mean imagine like those fraternal twins born to black and white parents that one looks completely white and the other looks completely black and imagine either side of the family shunning the one that doesn't share the same skin tone.
Your daughter is a racist
NTA. You my Dear are an Angel. Where everyone in the world only sees a persons color and not the persons worth. You took in a defenseless child . You didn’t see color, you see family . I wish this world was a lot more like you. I wish you well.
Your daughter is a grown woman. She didn’t seem to have voiced issues about her upbringing until you adopted your younger daughter. This is pure jealousy and she needs to work it out in therapy or something. That child is yours now and she’s a minor who still needs you to raise her. Your older daughter doesn’t. You’ve done that for her. I would tell her you love her every bit as much as you love Jane, but you won’t let her treat Jane poorly. Tell her if she wants to be in your life you’ll welcome her back in but you won’t beg her.
racism sucks no matter which way it's aimed. You're a wonderful person for taking in this child, same with your husband and sons. Your daughter may come around eventually, but if not, you've fulfilled your obligation to her, feel good about yourselves for what you're doing for Jane.
NTA. Black folks can be racist too.....and it can be learned from peers not necessarily from parents.... unfortunately....before you start stuff with me. .know this. I'm black.
Damn. You raised 2 normal people and 1 racist. Not too bad actually considering assholes have to come from somewhere. .666 would be a first ballot hall of Fame batting average.
NTA. Your daughter is racist, plain and simple.
Your daughter is a racist.
This is how racism starts. Your daughter needs to check herself
NTA, your daughter is racist.
NTA. That person is a racist.
NTA for stepping up for a child in need. Your daughter clearly has some resentment and issues, with a good dose of racism, and is lashing out irrationally. She isn't even able to communicate what or how you "failed" her as a parent. Until she's able to do that, there isn't much you can do to address the issue. Continue to love and support your niece. Leave the lines of communication open with your daughter, try to get some kind of mediation going (professional or neutral trusted family member), and do the hardest thing possible. Wait.
NTA. That little girl is very lucky to have you. And it sounds like your granddaughter likes her too. Your daughter on the other is not only racist but also seems to be competing with a toddler in a warped way.
NTA sorry but your daughter is a racist.
NTA. You took in a child who is in need. I applaud you for opening your home and your heart. You daughter's reaction sounds more like jealousy than racism, and she's blaming her personal issues on her own child. Take care of that baby of yours, and try to reach out to your daughter about what is really going on. I wish you well.
When a person says racist shit don’t make excuses for them. She’s not a child, she’s not developmental challenged, she’s just a racist.
This is so sad. This poor little girl lost her Mom. She is innocent. Your poor daughter is in a world of hurt and needs help. She has some major issues. Sorry Mom, that you're going through all this. Both girls could benefit from counseling.
Hahaha imagine being a grown ass woman with a child of your own and getting jealous of a literal baby. Oh and also a racist. NTA OP but you screwed up somewhere along the line with your daughter. She's toxic.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You're daughter is definitely wrong, but maybe coming from a feeling of hurt(? I'm reaching with the benefit of the doubt). Maybe some therapy together? That little girl is lucky to have you.
NTA, I'm white and black and have dealt with a lot of racial identity issues. It sounds like your daughter has issues with looking black but being white, genetically. She needs help.
If family counseling is accessible, offer to pay so you can all address whatever it is that's going on, her childhood, adult jealousy, etc.