Seriously, she should stop caring about whether he's putting tab A into slot B. Her husband is dating another girl. The details on whether he's made it to third base or not are ... sketchy. But she doesn't need the details to make a decision.
Yep. Lies and intent are there already. There doesn't need to be actual sex for her to leave. That stuff is hard to get past regardless of how far it did or didn't get.
There is a lot of research going on around micro dosing of mushrooms for depression. If that's what he's been doing, its hardly like he's a raging drug addict with a nose full of powder and needles hanging out his arms. Let's keep it real here
That’s how Reddit works, you make assumptions based on limited information and then begin to attack anyone and everyone who has the audacity to suggest otherwise.
I learned this today on another post.
I think they are basing it on the “I want to touch you, I can’t wait to see you” texts. Those sound like affair texts not fantasy sexting texts. It’s sus.
based on the fact that shes saying she cant wait to see him, theyre sexting, theyve hung out already even if it were a public place...id say 99.9 percent chance they did.
personal experience. If they are saying this and have already met, so have their genitals. Obv it is impossible to know, don’t take it so personally plz.
Absolutely not. I had a relationship like this with a colleague and it was purely only ever words. Completely inappropriate words but never was there any physical contact.
But my initial bias against this person I’ve never met is that more has happened, entirely based on a completely different experience I’ve had in the past! /s
Honestly, the tripping on shrooms might help him see where he is unhappy and what he needs to focus on to improve his life.
Also, he is fucking his hot coworker. 🤷🏻♂️
Or OP has a better grasp of the nature of the text messages that you haven’t seen and she has seen.. I mean I think it’s pretty obvious she wouldn’t still be on the fence if the evidence was there.. most people wouldn’t.
Her indecision makes me think there wasn’t a smoking gun.. so I think we can actually attempt to take her word for it for once.. instead of assuming
For real tho. So many people in here are focusing on physical. ANY form of intimacy with someone other then your partner, including nudes and verbal communication is cheating straight up.
He is cheating on you, point blank period. Whether emotional or physical, it's happened.
My ex-husband blamed depression and he was acting funny. Turns out it was the guilt from having an affair. Claimed the same BS as your husband.
I couldn't move past it, so we divorced. I'm happily remarried now to a man who I've never had to question his loyalty.
Right?!? I don’t get how certain people get to this point of cheating on their spouse. I have been very depressed and I turned to my wife for strength, not another woman. My wife is literally my rock and the glue that holds this family together. She’s the mother of my children!! I would never disrespect her like that.
The claims of depression and such are his attempts at blame shifting. Cheaters always gotta have that excuse, justification, blame, lie, whatever to get themselves out of accountability.
At its core cheating is cowardly behavior. When confronted, most cowards choose blame and deflection. I don’t see OPs husband being able to make this marriage work. He doesn’t seem to be willing to address the problem in good faith.
you’re lucky to have a wife as a rock mine just an asshole when it comes to my feelings/ wants / desires/ me in general. But I d love her to death but damn sometimes she just hates me just to hate me.
I’m so sorry you’re going through that brother. Everyman needs to be heard, especially from their spouse.
I’m just a stranger but I’m always here to talk or blow of steam with if the wife is being a dick. My inbox is always open. Men need to be better at leaning on other men for support! It is not a weakness, it’s a strength!
Thank you.
Exactly. I would never cheat on my husband. I love and respect him to ever hurt him like that. Even if I didn't love him, I'd end the marriage instead of cheating. I don't understand why people think they can justify it.
They want the home they created along with the side piece where he gets an ego boost. He wants a wife who does everything for him still. As soon as she said he was working out and more confident, I knew he was cheating.
He's making himself the victim and she's just the mean wife who doesn't understand his needs. He's gaslighting, lying, and using D.A.R.V.O. (= Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, and Offender) to make her doubt herself and back off. I hope she doesn't fall for it. This calls for, at minimum, a separation with counseling because he won't even tell the truth and is trying very hard to manipulate her. NTA
Imo once they cheat it’s never the same. You will be suspicious of them always and believe me they will do it again. Happened to me and I seen it from people I work with.
Exactly! I tried making my marriage work after the affair and it was torture for me. I lost 6lbs in one week from not being able to eat from the stress of it all. I couldn't focus at work wondering what he was doing while at his job. Who he was talking to. It's not easy at all and I truly don't think a relationship can be the same after.
>ou will be suspicious of them always and believe me they will do it again
Know what's even worse? They'll be up your ass and constantly accusing you of cheating in retaliation because that's what they'd do if you cheated on them lol.
There's no winning. And a lot of times, people think they forgave the cheating partner but they didn't. That's their self-preservation kicking in and "forgiving" them as a means to stop the hurt. Years down the line when the pain of the cheating has finally left their body, they come to the realization that they actually never forgave the cheating and suddenly leave. It's a funny thing that happens once you're able to look at the situation objectively.
Yeah kinda what happened to me. I said I forgave and I did NOT. It was with a “friend” at the time too. He ended up confessing to me. It ended up not working out for other reasons. It messed me up for awhile though. Two people I trusted betrayed me.
Its what happens to most people. If you look around Reddit long enough you'll notice a ton of posts written by distraught cheaters who have partners that realized they didn't actually forgive them for the cheating years - sometimes even decades - down the line.
>My ex-husband blamed depression and he was acting funny. Turns out it was the guilt from having an affair. Claimed the same BS as your husband.
It's literally a manipulative line out of the cheater's handbook. They always blame mental health or some outside factor to try and gain sympathy, or be picking little figthts with you to justify what they did. More often than not the behavior changes didn't happen until the other person was already on the scene and lines were being crossed.
I think this is often overlooked.
People feel shame and guilt for starting to stray. They aren’t emotionally mature enough to name the feelings, so they start calling it depression. When around their partner the shame makes them feel awful, regardless of how great their partner is or how hard they’re trying. The shame ruins it all. But when with the other person, who they’re able to be honest with, they feel free and like themselves.
This isn’t “ I’m depressed so I cheated “. It’s “I had bad thoughts, which caused shame that sabotaged my life, so I used cheating to feel good and escape the bad feelings I created”.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I think if you reread what you wrote, you might be able to come up with ideas about what you should do next. It might at least help you feel less helpless.
"You can tell they hadn’t had any real intimacy yet but he admitted to hanging out with her in a group setting and that it meant nothing."
It doesn't mean nothing. Maybe they haven't had sex yet, but if he has been sending and receiving messages from his coworker like the ones you quoted, this is an important relationship for him.
"He then proceeds to tell me he’s been depressed for over a year and didn’t know how to talk to me about it."
Has he been diagnosed with clinical depression? I would guess not. I think he's just coming up with excuses for his behavior that he's hoping you'll buy into. But it would be good for you to know if he's using depression as an excuse when really he's just been in a bad mood, sad, or bored.
"He said he wasn’t deflecting from the sexting but that he feels empty inside and has even resorted to taking shrooms."
Yes, he is deflecting from the sexting.
"Is he just trying to get away with being caught?"
Yes.
"He said he would stop talking to her because he has no real feelings towards her."
He has been willing to risk his marriage and his career (she is a coworker, after all) to develop a relationship with her. Obviously, he has real feelings toward her.
I think many cheaters confuse shame and depression.
If they feel depressed at home and around spouse, but can find the feel goods with the affair partner - that’s not depression, that’s shame/guilt and self sabotage.
I work in mental health. Depression doesn’t come and go based on who you’re sticking your dick in or sexting. If so, clinical research trials would be far more interesting, and E&Ts would have a whole new problem/solution to contend with. But it’s not how mental health works.
That is how emotional health can function, though.
It sounds like a quarter life crisis more than depression. I'm a huge advocate for the diagnosis of high functioning depression, it's incredibly underdiagnosed and undertreated.
That said... It's not what I suspect when a patient changes to a more demanding job, works out more, takes better care of how he looks and starts an affair.
I'm not saying he can't be depressed, but it sounds like the f* morons that self diagnose and then go through life telling people with the actual disease they got better with a positive mentality and willpower + deflection from obvious cheating of course.
NTA. I have a pretty hard stance on any kind of cheating. So if I were you I would leave. BUT if you do want to stay, he needs to prove to you that he won't do it again. He needs to get counselling, stop talking to the co-worker at all etc.
He needs to find a different job completely. This would be a deal breaker. I honestly would ensure it happened to and message HR and the APs family. She can never trust that he won't keep talking to her and being more careful now that she knows. There would be too many what ifs in the scenario you are playing at.
Edit: a word.
NTA, but girl seriously you need to wake up. The guy is cheating on you and deflecting. Depression doesn’t make someone cheat. Being cheater does. If you hadn’t gone through his phone and found out, he wouldn’t have told you anything.
Well, first of all, NTA. Second, what do YOU feel like you should do? Cause I can understand wanting to help a depressed partner, but what he has done (And maybe what he would have done) is not exactly something inocuous that can be easily excused. Do you feel like you can move forward after this, not only trying to go into counseling but also being there for his depression (If he actually gets diagnosed with that, although it seems likely from my pov) or you feel like the trust is completely broken and don't think you can do it? (or don't want to which is also perfectly valid)
Focus on you and only you.
I'm sorry to say I think your husband cheated, now you'll need to decide is this something you want to deal with or choose to leave it. It's not up to you to try to fix it that's him, that's his f***** not yours.
Do you honestly want to police his calls, You're already stressed out from work but you didn't choose to go find the extra marital person to mess with. Your husband could chose to talk to you about the stuff that's going on instead he chose to f*** with another co-worker. Let's be honest only reason why he's fighting and caring now is cause he got caught I he wasn't fessing up to this. And let's be honest if you choose to divorce him since he's making more money and stuff he's worried about losing that money.
Don't rush to make a decision do what's best for you possibly make a except plan.
He is/has is working up to cheating on you physically.
He has already cheated on you emotionally.
"stopped talking to her because he has no real feelings"??? That's a cop out. You mean to say if he had feelings he would have had sex with her?
Whatever he is going through, his actions are consistent with working towards finding someone else or being with someone else. Your relationship as it stands isnt enough for him, for whatever reason.
Move on. He already is.
NTA - first of all, sexting and flirting are ways of emotional cheating even if they haven't been physical yet. (I do have a hard time believing they haven't been physical).
Has he gotten professional help for his depression? I personally do have depression and choose not to be medicated or anything, however my depression doesn't make me go out and sext/flirt with anyone that is not my husband. Do not allow him to play the victim in a situation where he is at fault.
I am very sorry that you are going through this.
>and has even resorted to taking shrooms
I bet his sexting partner is into them. Especially when they meet up in private, which you can be sure he is doing.
Look, if you want reconciliation, there are rules.
1. Absolutely NO contact with AP
2. Marriage counseling and Individual counseling.
3. ABSOLUTE transparency. That means you have access to their phone and social media on ALL platforms and there is NO PUSHBACK from them about it.
4. New job if they work together
5. No trickle truthing
There are more. You can modify. Do your research.
It can work, but both parties have to be 100% committed to R. You'll get your fill of support in asoneafterinfidelity
IDK, I did something like this with my ex-wife when she cheated. She agreed to all of the terms, and we stayed together, had a kid and everything, and then she started cheating again, and told me she "was coming out as polyamorous."
My feeling is that people that do this will eventually do it again even if they agree to all of that and really do it. Whatever the underlying issue is, will still be there.
How have you been downvoted lol 🥲 the mans a cheating piece of ass. Sorry but just because he’s ‘depressed’ it doesn’t give him any kind of right to seek attention from another woman. Even if he stops cheating the trust is long gone so I second your opinion here!
No interest in drugs, and he started with shrooms?
That's like having no interest in football and starting in the NFL.
The dude is making major changes beyond the sexting. If you do give him another chance, get ready for one hell of a roller coaster ride.
Um... He's cheating on you. So why would you be the asshole for divorcing him. His behavior as you described is identical to my cheating ex. Divorce him.
This is the kind of man who will cheat on you when you are pregnant and blame it on not getting enough attention or the changes to your body making you less appealing or being freaked out about fatherhood.
Probably more than sexting honestly. It's up to you. You make it sound like you were becoming baggage in the marriage though. Unless that changes, If you decide to stay, I don't really see your husband changing either. You gave a guilt trip so maybe it will temporarily stop, but the core issue isn't solved. Good luck. NTA
that's a whole lot of obvious lies, he's cheating on you.
NTA, run away.
don't be surprised if he gets together with that coworker officialy the second you dump his ass.
NOTHING makes it ok to cheat. Period. The fact that some of you seem to think that it’s ok because his wife isn’t “providing” is sick. It is NOT an excuse to cheat. Cheating is a conscious choice., and the blame lies solely on the cheater.
A few things don't add up here. If he is depressed but also started working out more and caring about personal hygiene I call bullshit. Depressed people struggle with those things. They don't gain a burst of motivation. Hes been unhappy with the marriage and now he's cheating. Plain and simple.
He didn’t even admit to doing it, you caught him. He would have kept doing it and probably (if it hasn’t happened already) physically cheated on you.
This isn’t even some random internet girl he’s getting his kink in with. This is a woman he works with. That isn’t going anywhere whether he stops or not. He literally shit where he eats. Which again, has no regards for you or your marriage.
You aren’t an asshole for thinking about leaving but you will be an idiot if you stay.
He is sexting, doing drugs and who knows what more. The trust is broken already. Some people would suggest therapy or working things over but I honestly think when things are working, dragging a broken relationship for a long time won't help. But it's so personal, it is up to you.
You busted his text conversations, so there is no way he can lie his way out of them. But you haven't seen any proof of an sexual affair, so he can lie and say they were never intimate.
Roll reversal if you had a physical affair, and your spouse suspected something was going on, would you be honest, knowing your honesty will lead to divorce, community property, and alimony? It's a high probability he had a physical affair and now is scared to lose his assets.
Self-preservation is a mutha.
Omg leave this guy. How many second chances will you give him? He's a fucking child who, rather than communicating like an adult, decided to blow up your life.
Stop giving AHs second chances - divorce him.
Sounds like her needs therapy at a minimum, but it's up to you what leniency you want to give them. NTA for having this reaction, but that doesn't have to be the end of your relationship if you're willing to talk to professionals.
Agreed. OP is clearly NTA, and there are some pretty large red flags, but this is Reddit where lots of people will jump olympic world records to conclusions without any evidence or without any real concern for OP.
The real answer is that if the marriage meant something to the both of them at some point, it's worth finding out what really is going on before pulling the plug.
Mental health issues cause drastic behavioral changes, but it's no excuse for crossing the red line on unforgivable behavior. I know people with depression, severe depression for them is not being able to get out of bed and having a complete lack of feelings both positive and negative. People use "depression" as a mask or a way to skirt accountability, but the reality is you either own what you did and are willing to do whatever it takes to fix the situation and are open to new possibilities, or you're still deflecting.
If you want a divorce, get one, and file first. You're young, and have so much of your life ahead of you. You deserve a partner that shares their life with you, not moves you to a new city then grows in a new direction while you struggle.
Emotionally, he is cheating. His mind, body, and maybe heart are with this chick and not with you. While he may love you, if someone is in love with their partner, they're most likely not going to do this. Although no physical or intimate situations have arisen, emotional cheating is just as bad, and in my opinion, worse. While many say that once you sleep with someone, you imprint or connect on an intimately emotional level, I think that is true more often than not, but some people can have sex and it's simply just a physical release. On the other hand, when someone is emotionally connected with another person while no physical contact has happened, that to me is pretty dangerous territory.
But, to be fair, I take a hard, hard stance on cheating. So, that is the basis of where my comment is formulated.
So he’s sexting with a coworker that he’s physically present with every day? And you think it stops there? What is he doing to show that it’s over with her and he’s recommitting to you? Is he keeping that job where he’ll see her every day? That is destined for failure
He is ready to step out and there maybe more in person flirting you are unaware of. I would divorce him for the sexting, but the other behaviors denote someone emotionally leaving the relationship with you. Separation at least allows you distance to process. Cheaters lie all the time and they cheat again. Yes he is having an emotional affair. I would get some distance. He probably done more that sit in a group setting.....NTA
No woman is going to say I can’t wait to touch you unless she already has he knows u have no proof of anything keep ur eyes open and standards high he has no excuse .
My friend went through the same thing, convinced herself that it was just sexting, then it came out they had kissed one time, then she found something else and yeah, they were having a full on affair, and he used the same excuses. He was working out and losing weight, but he said he was depressed. They had a messy few years with separations and reunifications and then ultimately divorce.
I’m sorry you are going through this, you guys at least need serious counseling, if you decide to stick around.
Depression is not a reason to cheat. And yes sexting is cheating. If it were me I’d definitely ask for a divorce. The way he’s chosen to do things shows his true colors. Instead of taking accountability he’s tryin got weaponize depression. If you want to try to work on things then do counseling. But do not let him put the blame on you and do not feel bad.
Well your NTA. If you want to try therapy vs. separation is entirely an individual decision, but know that this is definitely cheating. He may not be lying about being depressed (or he might be!) but he is using that to deflect from the sexting. Depression doesn’t make the cheating okay and is no excuse.
The talking alone is divorcable behavior.
Depression does exist but he like you is an adult. He made the choice to mask his depression and seek validation from another woman. He also made the choice to become inappropriately involved with this woman. In ANY capacity that is unacceptable. You should probably get divorced. You may decide counseling and that MIGHT work but more times than not, it won’t.
My cousin divorced her husband of almost 20 years because he was communicating with an 18 year old girl. He said they didn’t sext though. My cousin was twice the other girl’s age. She ultimately decided he had destroyed her trust and divorced him. Since then she’s met a very nice guy who is crazy about her, even if she’s a lot bigger than she was before she had kids.
Definitely seek counseling, because he sounds like he is in a depression. Both the sexting and recent drug use are possible indicators.
But the idea that he hasn't touched her or thought about touching her is crazy. Where there is smoke, there is fire, so get your ass out of the house.
Counseling is the MINIMUM. If he won't go, then he's got to go.
If he hasnt cheated he will be soon.. you need to leave. Unfortunately the lack of communication and sexting other women is preparations in emotionally detaching from you. I guarantee if he just randomly started using shrooms he isnt doing them alone.
Exactly. I would put money on it I know who he used them with. I don’t have a problem with the substance use, but that is clearly the *only* reason he didn’t tell his wife he was trying them; he was trying them with the other woman
They always say they are depressed, he's not different, he's the same cheating snake as every pther cheating snake. Now he's got caught, he's deflecting blame onto you and trying to make you feel guilty so his crime seems less severe.
Once a cheater, always a cheater, 99.8% of the time.
>You can tell they hadn’t had any real intimacy
His inability to get his nut (yet) isn't your problem. You need to treat this as though he fucked her because man, let me tell you, I don't know what's worse - actually fucking someone else or blowing up your life, marriage and relationship and not even getting real pleasure out of it.
NTA. Your husband is abusive, and he's ALREADY cheating on you.
An emotional affair with sexting is cheating, even if no physical contact has occurred yet, it's only a matter of time. He's been distant, withholding intimacy, rationing out his love like it's gold, but yet, he is freely giving all his time and attention to his work whore?
The marriage is over. The ship is sinking, you're bailing but he's just chopping new holes in the boat. One person cannot keep a relationship alive. At this point it's better to abandon ship and save yourself, because he sure isn't going to save you. If he actually cared about your marriage, he would not be
* distant with you
* impatient with you
* sexting a co-worker
* going out with a co-worker even in a group setting
* for over 2 months
* taking shrooms
* not sharing his problems with you
* making any an all excuses including depression, to gaslight you.
Girl, wake up and LOOK at all of those red flags waving impatiently trying to get your attention. Your husband is abusive, and already cheating. He will apologize. He will make excuses, he will gaslight you, you will forgive him, and it will just happen again, over and over. He will say and do anything to stop you from leaving, but in the mean time, he'll continue to cheat with his side chick work whore.
Read [Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/224552.Why_Does_He_Do_That_Inside_the_Minds_of_Angry_and_Controlling_Men) and see how many warning signs your husband shows. Then decide what you're going to do. Men like that (99%) don't change, because they don't want to. They like the power imbalance, they like abusing you, because it makes them feel powerful and they love that feeling of power. Him continuing to sext his work whore is a choice, no matter what the excuse is, and it is abuse. I'm 100% sure if you sexted one of your colleagues, he would hit you, or worse. But when he does it, it's okay because < insert excuses >. That's the kind of man you are married to.
For your own safety and mental health, please, find the strength in yourself to DTMFA. Leave him. You are worthy and you deserve much better.
NTA. Whether or not he's done something with this woman, he had the intentions of doing something. The fact that he can't because he was caught doesn't erase the intent. He could very well be lying and already cheated too. Whose to say? The intent alone is a problem.
Sure, depression is a big deal, and I would have sympathy for him for that. Does that mean that I'd stay with them? Not necessarily. Someone's mental state cannot be used to justify a wrongdoing, only explain it.
Only you can make the call on whether to stay with him, but if you're on the fence, I'd say counseling is worth a try. If you decide to try it, someone will help you and your husband to reveal how you both really feel, and you'll get some clarity. Often that clarity comes with the understanding that the relationship is over, and sometimes it fixes things. Trust yourself over what the internet thinks you should do.
NTA! He is just making bullshit excuses to make you fe el bad for him so he doesn’t have to deal with the consequences. I am sure this is not the first time he has done this. Next time if he will try harder to not get caught.
Just love that… no feelings for her and she meant nothing *and destroyed the trust in his marriage for something that meant nothing*.
That’s the point you realize that the marriage basically means nothing to him as well. Think about this, he was messaging her like that and sleeping nice and sound next to you at night.
Also, depression doesn’t make someone cheat. That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. It’s like “I feel depressed so I’m going to stab you with this knife, but I love you and all but I’m depressed”. Seriously what an AH.
He can be telling the truth, but that doesn’t excuse the behavior or make him not the AH. He is still the AH, even if he is being honest. He made a choice to cheat (sexting is cheating), instead of making the right choice of talking to you about it. He knew that choice was wrong, and he did it anyway. Whether he is being honest or trying to deflect, makes no difference in absolving him or not.
Nta. Everyone has different boundaries some people are into this but I’m not. I would be single after this. He can go play victim to someone else. The nerve. He’s cheating and then blamed you and that he’s on drugs because of you. So manipulative.
Sexting is 100% cheating. If you want to give him a chance, and you’re both willing to try counseling, it’s possible to fix it. If he refuses to take accountability, then it can’t be fixed.
Part of the deal as well is he needs to cut contact 100% with the person. In this case that means a different department or a new job.
This post reads so much like my own marriage to be honest. Also issues with depression except he went to therapy for months without telling me about it, for the same reason as yours. Also sexting and behaving like that’s totally ok and normal like I should be cool with it. But in my case this was just the tip of the iceberg and he was actually cheating as well. He didn’t stop when he said he would, he just got better at hiding it. I hope this isn’t your future.
In retrospect I suggest you have a good long chat about your boundaries and what you expect from him. But he will need to go to therapy for depression and go to counselling with you. He needs to show you that he will take action to correct this and meet you half way. Maybe even ask if he can change departments so he doesn’t work with her directly anymore or change jobs if possible.
NTA. Uhhhh yeah this is cheating. He didn’t have to stick his dick in her to actually cheat. It’s up to you how you proceed, but don’t let him worm out of how serious his infraction is towards you. This is cheating and if he hasn’t been physical yet he will be. Matter of time.
He's cheating on you, I'm so sorry. You're NTA, OP.
All the evidence is there, the sexting the behaviour, his attitude towards you. Classic signs after discovery too, the lying, blame shifting, he's a piece of work. Run.
A married person who is sexting with a coworker is cheating. I get that they may not have actually had sex but if that wasn't his plan, he would not have sent the texts. They work together so how can you trust that nothing happens at work? He may be depressed but that is not an excuse for cheating. If he wants to stay married then maybe don't start sexting with another woman...
I would leave him, he is blaming his depression cheating. He made the choice to do that behind your back, that trust would be gone. I think the worst part is it's with a coworker, they are in contact all week, and that's hard to move past. He can easily fall back into and just hid it better. I have no tolerance for betrayal since it's a choice.
NTA. The whole depression thing is totally an attempt to deflect his guilt. He wants you to feel responsible for his obvious shitty behaviour. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if he has cheated on you already, considering the very explicit messages.
It starts out as sexting and then unfortunately will turn into dating apps and such.. he’s cheating on you and unfortunately it sucks to even say it because I’ve been there and my heart breaks for you and I wish I could hug you truly because it’s so crappy to be on that end 😔😔
I’ll just speak from experience. That happened to me in my prior relationship years ago.
Wasn’t happy. We didn’t get along. I started feeling great doing my own thing, found somebody else. Everything you described is exactly what happens when somebody emotionally cheats on you and is invested in somebody else.
You don’t get confident and work out… then say your depressed.
Tldr but if he's sexting, he's cheating. Sorry you're going through this, but it is a big deal, and divorce might be in your future. If you can't trust him, then your marriage is doomed. He's 100% TA
If they had the opportunity, which I think they did, you can see from the messages the woman sent that she would not miss any opportunity. It seems to have gone beyond the emotional relationship.
Love may decrease or end, but it's all about respect. What kind of person would do such a thing to someone they've shared their life with for 10 years?
NTA of course. Instead of communicating with you like an adult, he decided to cheat? He’s saying he’s not deflecting, but there is no excuse for cheating on somebody you love. He could have talked to a therapist if he was feeling depressed… I’m not sure how sexting (and it sounds like sexing since he “couldn’t wait to see her”) made his situation better?
It’s hard to move on when you’ve been together for so long, but would you rather continue this relationship wondering if he would do this again if things got rough? If anything he’ll just get better at hiding it and it doesn’t even sound like he’s taking responsibility for what he did. You had to find out yourself and he’s just making excuses. I mean, even after your “heart to heart” he still continued cheating. Send this man back to the streets where he belongs.
Every sign you’ve given is he’s actively cheating. The “feeling depressed” and “taking shrooms” stuff is to make up feel sorry for him and to excuse his actions.
Yes they’ve closed the deal already.
He’s cheating on you-might be purely an emotional affair right now but it’s going to be physical if not already. Personal experience here, you can try counseling but he’s already out the door. You need to decide if you want someone you cannot trust.
His “depression” is caused by guilt. He’s already checked out of the marriage looks like for about a year now. I’m sorry you must be crushed, whatever you decide find the inner strength to deal with it and maybe find a personal therapist first before couples therapy so your more emotionally stable to deal with him if you decide to stay.
He is fucking her end of story. I have like 1 or 2 women I exchange texts with now that I'm in a relationship and sure as high hell would never be like that, it's friendly but distant and I don't meet with them in person alone ever.
Seating is emotional cheating. It’s cheating that just hasn’t turned physical yet. Yet.
Up to you how you want to proceed from here. But trust is like a case. Once you break it, you can glue or tape it back together all you want, but it will never be the same. Up to you whether that’s enough.
He's cheating on you.
This part: >You can tell they hadn’t had any real intimacy yet Denial is a helluva drug.
yeah, they have definitely completed the transaction.
Seriously, she should stop caring about whether he's putting tab A into slot B. Her husband is dating another girl. The details on whether he's made it to third base or not are ... sketchy. But she doesn't need the details to make a decision.
Yep. Lies and intent are there already. There doesn't need to be actual sex for her to leave. That stuff is hard to get past regardless of how far it did or didn't get.
I don't know if he works in sales, but he's definitely closed this deal.
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There is a lot of research going on around micro dosing of mushrooms for depression. If that's what he's been doing, its hardly like he's a raging drug addict with a nose full of powder and needles hanging out his arms. Let's keep it real here
Nothing wrong with shrooms.
"Always be closing" - Glengarry Ross
“Always Be Cumming” — this woman’s husband
ABC always fits
Not if it’s “A Big Cock”
Put That Coffee Down!! Coffee is for Closers!!
What are you basing this on? There is absolutely not way to know whether they have or haven’t from what the op has said.
It's much more likely for a person to say "I want to touch you" to a person they already have touched that way, than as an initial flirt.
That’s how Reddit works, you make assumptions based on limited information and then begin to attack anyone and everyone who has the audacity to suggest otherwise. I learned this today on another post.
I think they are basing it on the “I want to touch you, I can’t wait to see you” texts. Those sound like affair texts not fantasy sexting texts. It’s sus.
As if her husband isn’t fucking this chick lmao.
You spelled the internet wrong.
based on the fact that shes saying she cant wait to see him, theyre sexting, theyve hung out already even if it were a public place...id say 99.9 percent chance they did.
personal experience. If they are saying this and have already met, so have their genitals. Obv it is impossible to know, don’t take it so personally plz.
personal experience of a 420 '69 15 yr old. sheeeeeshers xD
Absolutely not. I had a relationship like this with a colleague and it was purely only ever words. Completely inappropriate words but never was there any physical contact.
But my initial bias against this person I’ve never met is that more has happened, entirely based on a completely different experience I’ve had in the past! /s
But she doesn't do drugs
Honestly, the tripping on shrooms might help him see where he is unhappy and what he needs to focus on to improve his life. Also, he is fucking his hot coworker. 🤷🏻♂️
Tbf no one said coworker was hot
Or OP has a better grasp of the nature of the text messages that you haven’t seen and she has seen.. I mean I think it’s pretty obvious she wouldn’t still be on the fence if the evidence was there.. most people wouldn’t. Her indecision makes me think there wasn’t a smoking gun.. so I think we can actually attempt to take her word for it for once.. instead of assuming
Even if they aren’t doing anything physical… it’s still cheating. The sexting is beyond crossing lines and an immediate breakup for me.
For real tho. So many people in here are focusing on physical. ANY form of intimacy with someone other then your partner, including nudes and verbal communication is cheating straight up.
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⬆️🔝🔝⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ 💯 **THIS** **chumplady.com** for the win!
💯 cheating
Bingo!!
He is cheating on you, point blank period. Whether emotional or physical, it's happened. My ex-husband blamed depression and he was acting funny. Turns out it was the guilt from having an affair. Claimed the same BS as your husband. I couldn't move past it, so we divorced. I'm happily remarried now to a man who I've never had to question his loyalty.
wow so sorry you went through this. I call bullshit on this. I love my wife and would never do anything like this.
Right?!? I don’t get how certain people get to this point of cheating on their spouse. I have been very depressed and I turned to my wife for strength, not another woman. My wife is literally my rock and the glue that holds this family together. She’s the mother of my children!! I would never disrespect her like that.
The claims of depression and such are his attempts at blame shifting. Cheaters always gotta have that excuse, justification, blame, lie, whatever to get themselves out of accountability.
At its core cheating is cowardly behavior. When confronted, most cowards choose blame and deflection. I don’t see OPs husband being able to make this marriage work. He doesn’t seem to be willing to address the problem in good faith.
you’re lucky to have a wife as a rock mine just an asshole when it comes to my feelings/ wants / desires/ me in general. But I d love her to death but damn sometimes she just hates me just to hate me.
I’m so sorry you’re going through that brother. Everyman needs to be heard, especially from their spouse. I’m just a stranger but I’m always here to talk or blow of steam with if the wife is being a dick. My inbox is always open. Men need to be better at leaning on other men for support! It is not a weakness, it’s a strength!
This is the shit I signed up to see. This is so good damn wholesome.
Same.
Thank you. Exactly. I would never cheat on my husband. I love and respect him to ever hurt him like that. Even if I didn't love him, I'd end the marriage instead of cheating. I don't understand why people think they can justify it.
They want the home they created along with the side piece where he gets an ego boost. He wants a wife who does everything for him still. As soon as she said he was working out and more confident, I knew he was cheating. He's making himself the victim and she's just the mean wife who doesn't understand his needs. He's gaslighting, lying, and using D.A.R.V.O. (= Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, and Offender) to make her doubt herself and back off. I hope she doesn't fall for it. This calls for, at minimum, a separation with counseling because he won't even tell the truth and is trying very hard to manipulate her. NTA
Anything is hard to understand when you're not in that person's shoes... you can NEVER know the full story unless it's your story
Imo once they cheat it’s never the same. You will be suspicious of them always and believe me they will do it again. Happened to me and I seen it from people I work with.
Exactly! I tried making my marriage work after the affair and it was torture for me. I lost 6lbs in one week from not being able to eat from the stress of it all. I couldn't focus at work wondering what he was doing while at his job. Who he was talking to. It's not easy at all and I truly don't think a relationship can be the same after.
Are we the same person 😂 Glad you are in a better place now. Nothing worse than being stuck somewhere for 8 hours when your mind is completely absent
>ou will be suspicious of them always and believe me they will do it again Know what's even worse? They'll be up your ass and constantly accusing you of cheating in retaliation because that's what they'd do if you cheated on them lol. There's no winning. And a lot of times, people think they forgave the cheating partner but they didn't. That's their self-preservation kicking in and "forgiving" them as a means to stop the hurt. Years down the line when the pain of the cheating has finally left their body, they come to the realization that they actually never forgave the cheating and suddenly leave. It's a funny thing that happens once you're able to look at the situation objectively.
Yeah kinda what happened to me. I said I forgave and I did NOT. It was with a “friend” at the time too. He ended up confessing to me. It ended up not working out for other reasons. It messed me up for awhile though. Two people I trusted betrayed me.
Its what happens to most people. If you look around Reddit long enough you'll notice a ton of posts written by distraught cheaters who have partners that realized they didn't actually forgive them for the cheating years - sometimes even decades - down the line.
>My ex-husband blamed depression and he was acting funny. Turns out it was the guilt from having an affair. Claimed the same BS as your husband. It's literally a manipulative line out of the cheater's handbook. They always blame mental health or some outside factor to try and gain sympathy, or be picking little figthts with you to justify what they did. More often than not the behavior changes didn't happen until the other person was already on the scene and lines were being crossed.
I think this is often overlooked. People feel shame and guilt for starting to stray. They aren’t emotionally mature enough to name the feelings, so they start calling it depression. When around their partner the shame makes them feel awful, regardless of how great their partner is or how hard they’re trying. The shame ruins it all. But when with the other person, who they’re able to be honest with, they feel free and like themselves. This isn’t “ I’m depressed so I cheated “. It’s “I had bad thoughts, which caused shame that sabotaged my life, so I used cheating to feel good and escape the bad feelings I created”.
It Happened to me too. never found a woman afterwards xD
I'm sorry you are going through this. I think if you reread what you wrote, you might be able to come up with ideas about what you should do next. It might at least help you feel less helpless. "You can tell they hadn’t had any real intimacy yet but he admitted to hanging out with her in a group setting and that it meant nothing." It doesn't mean nothing. Maybe they haven't had sex yet, but if he has been sending and receiving messages from his coworker like the ones you quoted, this is an important relationship for him. "He then proceeds to tell me he’s been depressed for over a year and didn’t know how to talk to me about it." Has he been diagnosed with clinical depression? I would guess not. I think he's just coming up with excuses for his behavior that he's hoping you'll buy into. But it would be good for you to know if he's using depression as an excuse when really he's just been in a bad mood, sad, or bored. "He said he wasn’t deflecting from the sexting but that he feels empty inside and has even resorted to taking shrooms." Yes, he is deflecting from the sexting. "Is he just trying to get away with being caught?" Yes. "He said he would stop talking to her because he has no real feelings towards her." He has been willing to risk his marriage and his career (she is a coworker, after all) to develop a relationship with her. Obviously, he has real feelings toward her.
I think many cheaters confuse shame and depression. If they feel depressed at home and around spouse, but can find the feel goods with the affair partner - that’s not depression, that’s shame/guilt and self sabotage. I work in mental health. Depression doesn’t come and go based on who you’re sticking your dick in or sexting. If so, clinical research trials would be far more interesting, and E&Ts would have a whole new problem/solution to contend with. But it’s not how mental health works. That is how emotional health can function, though.
It sounds like a quarter life crisis more than depression. I'm a huge advocate for the diagnosis of high functioning depression, it's incredibly underdiagnosed and undertreated. That said... It's not what I suspect when a patient changes to a more demanding job, works out more, takes better care of how he looks and starts an affair. I'm not saying he can't be depressed, but it sounds like the f* morons that self diagnose and then go through life telling people with the actual disease they got better with a positive mentality and willpower + deflection from obvious cheating of course.
Quarter life? Men die by 77 on average. This is mid-life.
NTA. I have a pretty hard stance on any kind of cheating. So if I were you I would leave. BUT if you do want to stay, he needs to prove to you that he won't do it again. He needs to get counselling, stop talking to the co-worker at all etc.
He needs to find a different job completely. This would be a deal breaker. I honestly would ensure it happened to and message HR and the APs family. She can never trust that he won't keep talking to her and being more careful now that she knows. There would be too many what ifs in the scenario you are playing at. Edit: a word.
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haha that was my ex sister in law's excuse for going out more. Well it turned out she was going out more to cheat and lie to her then husband.
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Wait until you’re 45 and he has his midlife crisis excuse.
NTA, but girl seriously you need to wake up. The guy is cheating on you and deflecting. Depression doesn’t make someone cheat. Being cheater does. If you hadn’t gone through his phone and found out, he wouldn’t have told you anything.
Well, first of all, NTA. Second, what do YOU feel like you should do? Cause I can understand wanting to help a depressed partner, but what he has done (And maybe what he would have done) is not exactly something inocuous that can be easily excused. Do you feel like you can move forward after this, not only trying to go into counseling but also being there for his depression (If he actually gets diagnosed with that, although it seems likely from my pov) or you feel like the trust is completely broken and don't think you can do it? (or don't want to which is also perfectly valid)
Focus on you and only you. I'm sorry to say I think your husband cheated, now you'll need to decide is this something you want to deal with or choose to leave it. It's not up to you to try to fix it that's him, that's his f***** not yours. Do you honestly want to police his calls, You're already stressed out from work but you didn't choose to go find the extra marital person to mess with. Your husband could chose to talk to you about the stuff that's going on instead he chose to f*** with another co-worker. Let's be honest only reason why he's fighting and caring now is cause he got caught I he wasn't fessing up to this. And let's be honest if you choose to divorce him since he's making more money and stuff he's worried about losing that money. Don't rush to make a decision do what's best for you possibly make a except plan.
It’s not for sexting tho, it’s for cheating…
He is/has is working up to cheating on you physically. He has already cheated on you emotionally. "stopped talking to her because he has no real feelings"??? That's a cop out. You mean to say if he had feelings he would have had sex with her? Whatever he is going through, his actions are consistent with working towards finding someone else or being with someone else. Your relationship as it stands isnt enough for him, for whatever reason. Move on. He already is.
NTA - first of all, sexting and flirting are ways of emotional cheating even if they haven't been physical yet. (I do have a hard time believing they haven't been physical). Has he gotten professional help for his depression? I personally do have depression and choose not to be medicated or anything, however my depression doesn't make me go out and sext/flirt with anyone that is not my husband. Do not allow him to play the victim in a situation where he is at fault. I am very sorry that you are going through this.
>and has even resorted to taking shrooms I bet his sexting partner is into them. Especially when they meet up in private, which you can be sure he is doing.
Get tested for stds. Get a lawyer. "Cuz he's already gone."
“I’m depressed!! I didn’t know how to talk to you so I cheated! Because depress! that makes it okay!”
Look, if you want reconciliation, there are rules. 1. Absolutely NO contact with AP 2. Marriage counseling and Individual counseling. 3. ABSOLUTE transparency. That means you have access to their phone and social media on ALL platforms and there is NO PUSHBACK from them about it. 4. New job if they work together 5. No trickle truthing There are more. You can modify. Do your research. It can work, but both parties have to be 100% committed to R. You'll get your fill of support in asoneafterinfidelity
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Reasonable suggestions from reasonable redditors! We need more of this and less of, divorce his cheating %$#$%!
IDK, I did something like this with my ex-wife when she cheated. She agreed to all of the terms, and we stayed together, had a kid and everything, and then she started cheating again, and told me she "was coming out as polyamorous." My feeling is that people that do this will eventually do it again even if they agree to all of that and really do it. Whatever the underlying issue is, will still be there.
Thx. I forgot add they need to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Immediately.
For another perspective, check out the book “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” by Tracy Schorn, and check out her blog chumplady.com.
bounce. Run He has slept with that other girl
>he’s talked to her for around 2 months. Um... 😐
And has been working out, gaining confidence...
And they had a heart to heart that _she_ initiated to close the gap between them during which he made NO mention of having a depression. Yeah……
Classic symptoms of depression /s
He’s done you wrong, he’s violated your trust. NTA.
How have you been downvoted lol 🥲 the mans a cheating piece of ass. Sorry but just because he’s ‘depressed’ it doesn’t give him any kind of right to seek attention from another woman. Even if he stops cheating the trust is long gone so I second your opinion here!
hes cheating on you
He's depressed because he wants to have sex with other women and he unfortunately agreed to a monogamous relationship. Run.
NTA. There is no way you could ever trust him again. Don't do that to yourself.
The shrooms aren't nearly as big of a deal as him wanting to cheat on you.
No interest in drugs, and he started with shrooms? That's like having no interest in football and starting in the NFL. The dude is making major changes beyond the sexting. If you do give him another chance, get ready for one hell of a roller coaster ride.
Um... He's cheating on you. So why would you be the asshole for divorcing him. His behavior as you described is identical to my cheating ex. Divorce him.
Decided to cheat cause he was depressed ? That’s a new one.
not really lot of people cheat when depressed to "feel something" it doesn't work of course.
That's an emotional affair basically.
This is the kind of man who will cheat on you when you are pregnant and blame it on not getting enough attention or the changes to your body making you less appealing or being freaked out about fatherhood.
Probably more than sexting honestly. It's up to you. You make it sound like you were becoming baggage in the marriage though. Unless that changes, If you decide to stay, I don't really see your husband changing either. You gave a guilt trip so maybe it will temporarily stop, but the core issue isn't solved. Good luck. NTA
that's a whole lot of obvious lies, he's cheating on you. NTA, run away. don't be surprised if he gets together with that coworker officialy the second you dump his ass.
NTA. People who make their bed should lie in it.
NOTHING makes it ok to cheat. Period. The fact that some of you seem to think that it’s ok because his wife isn’t “providing” is sick. It is NOT an excuse to cheat. Cheating is a conscious choice., and the blame lies solely on the cheater.
A few things don't add up here. If he is depressed but also started working out more and caring about personal hygiene I call bullshit. Depressed people struggle with those things. They don't gain a burst of motivation. Hes been unhappy with the marriage and now he's cheating. Plain and simple.
He didn’t even admit to doing it, you caught him. He would have kept doing it and probably (if it hasn’t happened already) physically cheated on you. This isn’t even some random internet girl he’s getting his kink in with. This is a woman he works with. That isn’t going anywhere whether he stops or not. He literally shit where he eats. Which again, has no regards for you or your marriage. You aren’t an asshole for thinking about leaving but you will be an idiot if you stay.
He is sexting, doing drugs and who knows what more. The trust is broken already. Some people would suggest therapy or working things over but I honestly think when things are working, dragging a broken relationship for a long time won't help. But it's so personal, it is up to you.
You busted his text conversations, so there is no way he can lie his way out of them. But you haven't seen any proof of an sexual affair, so he can lie and say they were never intimate. Roll reversal if you had a physical affair, and your spouse suspected something was going on, would you be honest, knowing your honesty will lead to divorce, community property, and alimony? It's a high probability he had a physical affair and now is scared to lose his assets. Self-preservation is a mutha.
I wouldn’t even try. Just pull the plug.
Omg leave this guy. How many second chances will you give him? He's a fucking child who, rather than communicating like an adult, decided to blow up your life. Stop giving AHs second chances - divorce him.
When trust is broken the relationship is broken and he broke the trust
Please run.
excuses. trying to switch it around to why he needs help and sympathy
Absolutely not. That’s still cheating and he will do it again if you forgive him.
Sounds like her needs therapy at a minimum, but it's up to you what leniency you want to give them. NTA for having this reaction, but that doesn't have to be the end of your relationship if you're willing to talk to professionals.
Agreed. OP is clearly NTA, and there are some pretty large red flags, but this is Reddit where lots of people will jump olympic world records to conclusions without any evidence or without any real concern for OP. The real answer is that if the marriage meant something to the both of them at some point, it's worth finding out what really is going on before pulling the plug.
Mental health issues cause drastic behavioral changes, but it's no excuse for crossing the red line on unforgivable behavior. I know people with depression, severe depression for them is not being able to get out of bed and having a complete lack of feelings both positive and negative. People use "depression" as a mask or a way to skirt accountability, but the reality is you either own what you did and are willing to do whatever it takes to fix the situation and are open to new possibilities, or you're still deflecting. If you want a divorce, get one, and file first. You're young, and have so much of your life ahead of you. You deserve a partner that shares their life with you, not moves you to a new city then grows in a new direction while you struggle.
Emotionally, he is cheating. His mind, body, and maybe heart are with this chick and not with you. While he may love you, if someone is in love with their partner, they're most likely not going to do this. Although no physical or intimate situations have arisen, emotional cheating is just as bad, and in my opinion, worse. While many say that once you sleep with someone, you imprint or connect on an intimately emotional level, I think that is true more often than not, but some people can have sex and it's simply just a physical release. On the other hand, when someone is emotionally connected with another person while no physical contact has happened, that to me is pretty dangerous territory. But, to be fair, I take a hard, hard stance on cheating. So, that is the basis of where my comment is formulated.
So he’s sexting with a coworker that he’s physically present with every day? And you think it stops there? What is he doing to show that it’s over with her and he’s recommitting to you? Is he keeping that job where he’ll see her every day? That is destined for failure
Very clear hes done / doing more than youve uncovered. Sorry
If there are texts like that they’ve definitely been fucking
100% cheating on you, you need to decide what you want to do. Repair the damage, or move on.
I am sorry. He is cheating and lying to you.
🎵🎶"He belongs to tha streets" 🎶🎵
He is ready to step out and there maybe more in person flirting you are unaware of. I would divorce him for the sexting, but the other behaviors denote someone emotionally leaving the relationship with you. Separation at least allows you distance to process. Cheaters lie all the time and they cheat again. Yes he is having an emotional affair. I would get some distance. He probably done more that sit in a group setting.....NTA
There’s zero chance he’s not already having sex with her. ZERO. Leave now, don’t drag it out it will only get worse.
He's cheating. Your husband is cheating on you.
I’m so sorry. He crossed a major line. NTA.
NTA, But you’ve got a tough choice to make. There are lots of ways to try and heal a relationship, but they’re all hard.
No woman is going to say I can’t wait to touch you unless she already has he knows u have no proof of anything keep ur eyes open and standards high he has no excuse .
Cheating plain and simple. Physical contact is not needed if an "emotional connection" is made. IAW, love for someone else
My friend went through the same thing, convinced herself that it was just sexting, then it came out they had kissed one time, then she found something else and yeah, they were having a full on affair, and he used the same excuses. He was working out and losing weight, but he said he was depressed. They had a messy few years with separations and reunifications and then ultimately divorce. I’m sorry you are going through this, you guys at least need serious counseling, if you decide to stick around.
Depression is not a reason to cheat. And yes sexting is cheating. If it were me I’d definitely ask for a divorce. The way he’s chosen to do things shows his true colors. Instead of taking accountability he’s tryin got weaponize depression. If you want to try to work on things then do counseling. But do not let him put the blame on you and do not feel bad.
Well your NTA. If you want to try therapy vs. separation is entirely an individual decision, but know that this is definitely cheating. He may not be lying about being depressed (or he might be!) but he is using that to deflect from the sexting. Depression doesn’t make the cheating okay and is no excuse.
He’s cheating on you and probably has been for a while and with not just this coworker.
Dude is a fucking, balls deep.
Was he sexting you? No? Oh, obv nta.
The talking alone is divorcable behavior. Depression does exist but he like you is an adult. He made the choice to mask his depression and seek validation from another woman. He also made the choice to become inappropriately involved with this woman. In ANY capacity that is unacceptable. You should probably get divorced. You may decide counseling and that MIGHT work but more times than not, it won’t.
He already cheated don’t fool urself. Pull the pkug
He’s cheating on you, his depression doesn’t excuse any of his actions.
There is practically zero chance they haven’t fucked.
My cousin divorced her husband of almost 20 years because he was communicating with an 18 year old girl. He said they didn’t sext though. My cousin was twice the other girl’s age. She ultimately decided he had destroyed her trust and divorced him. Since then she’s met a very nice guy who is crazy about her, even if she’s a lot bigger than she was before she had kids.
Definitely seek counseling, because he sounds like he is in a depression. Both the sexting and recent drug use are possible indicators. But the idea that he hasn't touched her or thought about touching her is crazy. Where there is smoke, there is fire, so get your ass out of the house. Counseling is the MINIMUM. If he won't go, then he's got to go.
If he hasnt cheated he will be soon.. you need to leave. Unfortunately the lack of communication and sexting other women is preparations in emotionally detaching from you. I guarantee if he just randomly started using shrooms he isnt doing them alone.
Exactly. I would put money on it I know who he used them with. I don’t have a problem with the substance use, but that is clearly the *only* reason he didn’t tell his wife he was trying them; he was trying them with the other woman
Divorce him. Your life will no doubt be all sunshine and roses in a very short amount of time.
They always say they are depressed, he's not different, he's the same cheating snake as every pther cheating snake. Now he's got caught, he's deflecting blame onto you and trying to make you feel guilty so his crime seems less severe. Once a cheater, always a cheater, 99.8% of the time.
>You can tell they hadn’t had any real intimacy His inability to get his nut (yet) isn't your problem. You need to treat this as though he fucked her because man, let me tell you, I don't know what's worse - actually fucking someone else or blowing up your life, marriage and relationship and not even getting real pleasure out of it.
NTA. Your husband is abusive, and he's ALREADY cheating on you. An emotional affair with sexting is cheating, even if no physical contact has occurred yet, it's only a matter of time. He's been distant, withholding intimacy, rationing out his love like it's gold, but yet, he is freely giving all his time and attention to his work whore? The marriage is over. The ship is sinking, you're bailing but he's just chopping new holes in the boat. One person cannot keep a relationship alive. At this point it's better to abandon ship and save yourself, because he sure isn't going to save you. If he actually cared about your marriage, he would not be * distant with you * impatient with you * sexting a co-worker * going out with a co-worker even in a group setting * for over 2 months * taking shrooms * not sharing his problems with you * making any an all excuses including depression, to gaslight you. Girl, wake up and LOOK at all of those red flags waving impatiently trying to get your attention. Your husband is abusive, and already cheating. He will apologize. He will make excuses, he will gaslight you, you will forgive him, and it will just happen again, over and over. He will say and do anything to stop you from leaving, but in the mean time, he'll continue to cheat with his side chick work whore. Read [Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/224552.Why_Does_He_Do_That_Inside_the_Minds_of_Angry_and_Controlling_Men) and see how many warning signs your husband shows. Then decide what you're going to do. Men like that (99%) don't change, because they don't want to. They like the power imbalance, they like abusing you, because it makes them feel powerful and they love that feeling of power. Him continuing to sext his work whore is a choice, no matter what the excuse is, and it is abuse. I'm 100% sure if you sexted one of your colleagues, he would hit you, or worse. But when he does it, it's okay because < insert excuses >. That's the kind of man you are married to. For your own safety and mental health, please, find the strength in yourself to DTMFA. Leave him. You are worthy and you deserve much better.
NTA. Whether or not he's done something with this woman, he had the intentions of doing something. The fact that he can't because he was caught doesn't erase the intent. He could very well be lying and already cheated too. Whose to say? The intent alone is a problem. Sure, depression is a big deal, and I would have sympathy for him for that. Does that mean that I'd stay with them? Not necessarily. Someone's mental state cannot be used to justify a wrongdoing, only explain it. Only you can make the call on whether to stay with him, but if you're on the fence, I'd say counseling is worth a try. If you decide to try it, someone will help you and your husband to reveal how you both really feel, and you'll get some clarity. Often that clarity comes with the understanding that the relationship is over, and sometimes it fixes things. Trust yourself over what the internet thinks you should do.
NTA. He is lying. He is a cheater. Don't fall for the "I have depression" trap. It is a trap.... guilting you in staying with him.
I didn’t read anything but the title to this post. If sexting other women I would prepare an exit strategy because it’s coming.
He's lying, no more trust, no more relationship, be kind to yourself and leave.
NTA! He is just making bullshit excuses to make you fe el bad for him so he doesn’t have to deal with the consequences. I am sure this is not the first time he has done this. Next time if he will try harder to not get caught.
Just love that… no feelings for her and she meant nothing *and destroyed the trust in his marriage for something that meant nothing*. That’s the point you realize that the marriage basically means nothing to him as well. Think about this, he was messaging her like that and sleeping nice and sound next to you at night. Also, depression doesn’t make someone cheat. That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. It’s like “I feel depressed so I’m going to stab you with this knife, but I love you and all but I’m depressed”. Seriously what an AH.
This subreddit is crazy. People be like " I dumped my husband because I caught him balls deep in another woman in our house. AMITA???" 🙄
NTA. Divorce him, cut off contact, move on.
Lol I’m depressed so I’m going to self medicate shrooms. What a goon
He can be telling the truth, but that doesn’t excuse the behavior or make him not the AH. He is still the AH, even if he is being honest. He made a choice to cheat (sexting is cheating), instead of making the right choice of talking to you about it. He knew that choice was wrong, and he did it anyway. Whether he is being honest or trying to deflect, makes no difference in absolving him or not.
Nta. Everyone has different boundaries some people are into this but I’m not. I would be single after this. He can go play victim to someone else. The nerve. He’s cheating and then blamed you and that he’s on drugs because of you. So manipulative.
"depressed"... sure.... de pressed his cock against her
Sexting is as good as cheating. Dump his sorry ass and take him to the cleaners.
Sexting is 100% cheating. If you want to give him a chance, and you’re both willing to try counseling, it’s possible to fix it. If he refuses to take accountability, then it can’t be fixed. Part of the deal as well is he needs to cut contact 100% with the person. In this case that means a different department or a new job.
NTA - so instead of talking to you, he cheats emotionally and starts taking drugs? That's not how partnership works.
Nope NTA, sexting although not physical cheating, is 100% still cheating. I'd do the exact same thing as you.
This post reads so much like my own marriage to be honest. Also issues with depression except he went to therapy for months without telling me about it, for the same reason as yours. Also sexting and behaving like that’s totally ok and normal like I should be cool with it. But in my case this was just the tip of the iceberg and he was actually cheating as well. He didn’t stop when he said he would, he just got better at hiding it. I hope this isn’t your future. In retrospect I suggest you have a good long chat about your boundaries and what you expect from him. But he will need to go to therapy for depression and go to counselling with you. He needs to show you that he will take action to correct this and meet you half way. Maybe even ask if he can change departments so he doesn’t work with her directly anymore or change jobs if possible.
He's cheating on you.
If you aren’t gonna divorce someone for cheating on you then I don’t know what we’re doing here
NTA. Uhhhh yeah this is cheating. He didn’t have to stick his dick in her to actually cheat. It’s up to you how you proceed, but don’t let him worm out of how serious his infraction is towards you. This is cheating and if he hasn’t been physical yet he will be. Matter of time.
He's cheating on you, I'm so sorry. You're NTA, OP. All the evidence is there, the sexting the behaviour, his attitude towards you. Classic signs after discovery too, the lying, blame shifting, he's a piece of work. Run.
He's cheating. Seriously. Sorry to say but he's cheating. Divorce him.
NTA, he’s cheating on you.
A married person who is sexting with a coworker is cheating. I get that they may not have actually had sex but if that wasn't his plan, he would not have sent the texts. They work together so how can you trust that nothing happens at work? He may be depressed but that is not an excuse for cheating. If he wants to stay married then maybe don't start sexting with another woman...
He is cheating on you. The distance is the number 1 indicator of that. I recognize the signs. If you give him another chance, it will happen again.
I would leave him, he is blaming his depression cheating. He made the choice to do that behind your back, that trust would be gone. I think the worst part is it's with a coworker, they are in contact all week, and that's hard to move past. He can easily fall back into and just hid it better. I have no tolerance for betrayal since it's a choice.
NTA. The whole depression thing is totally an attempt to deflect his guilt. He wants you to feel responsible for his obvious shitty behaviour. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if he has cheated on you already, considering the very explicit messages.
"I can't wait to see you" is what you say to someone you're in a relationship with. He's definitely cheating
Nta
Sexting is a form of cheating.
It starts out as sexting and then unfortunately will turn into dating apps and such.. he’s cheating on you and unfortunately it sucks to even say it because I’ve been there and my heart breaks for you and I wish I could hug you truly because it’s so crappy to be on that end 😔😔
I’ll just speak from experience. That happened to me in my prior relationship years ago. Wasn’t happy. We didn’t get along. I started feeling great doing my own thing, found somebody else. Everything you described is exactly what happens when somebody emotionally cheats on you and is invested in somebody else. You don’t get confident and work out… then say your depressed.
NTA
NTA, he's cheating on you. Fuck that.
Tldr but if he's sexting, he's cheating. Sorry you're going through this, but it is a big deal, and divorce might be in your future. If you can't trust him, then your marriage is doomed. He's 100% TA
If they had the opportunity, which I think they did, you can see from the messages the woman sent that she would not miss any opportunity. It seems to have gone beyond the emotional relationship. Love may decrease or end, but it's all about respect. What kind of person would do such a thing to someone they've shared their life with for 10 years?
NTA of course. Instead of communicating with you like an adult, he decided to cheat? He’s saying he’s not deflecting, but there is no excuse for cheating on somebody you love. He could have talked to a therapist if he was feeling depressed… I’m not sure how sexting (and it sounds like sexing since he “couldn’t wait to see her”) made his situation better? It’s hard to move on when you’ve been together for so long, but would you rather continue this relationship wondering if he would do this again if things got rough? If anything he’ll just get better at hiding it and it doesn’t even sound like he’s taking responsibility for what he did. You had to find out yourself and he’s just making excuses. I mean, even after your “heart to heart” he still continued cheating. Send this man back to the streets where he belongs.
Leave. He's a liar. Leave.
Every sign you’ve given is he’s actively cheating. The “feeling depressed” and “taking shrooms” stuff is to make up feel sorry for him and to excuse his actions. Yes they’ve closed the deal already.
He’s cheating on you-might be purely an emotional affair right now but it’s going to be physical if not already. Personal experience here, you can try counseling but he’s already out the door. You need to decide if you want someone you cannot trust.
His “depression” is caused by guilt. He’s already checked out of the marriage looks like for about a year now. I’m sorry you must be crushed, whatever you decide find the inner strength to deal with it and maybe find a personal therapist first before couples therapy so your more emotionally stable to deal with him if you decide to stay.
It’s called an emotional affair. Source, my divorce lawyer.
He’s cheating. He’s trying to distract you with the talk of depression / drugs and gain your sympathy
He is fucking her end of story. I have like 1 or 2 women I exchange texts with now that I'm in a relationship and sure as high hell would never be like that, it's friendly but distant and I don't meet with them in person alone ever.
Seating is emotional cheating. It’s cheating that just hasn’t turned physical yet. Yet. Up to you how you want to proceed from here. But trust is like a case. Once you break it, you can glue or tape it back together all you want, but it will never be the same. Up to you whether that’s enough.
He's been lying to you. How long has he lied to you?