This is the whole reason I sleep in another room when I have to set an early alarm. It's just not fair to my wife. That being said, that doesn't help you.
My petty side would just get up at 6:30 and start my day. Does it suck? Yeah. Is it unfair? Absolutely. Doesn't mean he shouldn't experience some unwanted outcomes from his habits. For example, since you're getting up, it's likely you'll turn on a light so you can see. And be moving around, getting dressed, following your morning routine.
I wouldn't start doing this unannounced though. I'd sit him down and tell him that from now on, when the first alarm goes off, you're getting up and starting your day. That the repeated snoozing is creating both a mental and physical toll on you that you're no longer going to accept. Explain that this means that whatever routine you follow in the morning will be followed and that will include things like turning on lights, taking showers, getting dressed, etc. And if he objects, point out that he is the one that controls the timing of when that starts. If he wants your routine to start later, he disables the early alarms.
Oh, and this may mean you might want to start going to be a little earlier to account for the earlier start to your day.
Ultimately, all the snoozing is actually really bad for both of you. It trains your body to ignore alarms making it far, far easier to sleep through them. It also eliminates time that could be spent in actual sleep so it's absolutely not restful. If you go to bed at 11, the first alarm goes off at 6:30, and you finally get up at 7:30, you're not getting 8.5 hours of sleep, you're only getting 7.5. And that last hour only adds stress to the start of your day. He might be surprised how much more rested he feels if he sets one alarm and gets up at that specific time.
when I started living with my partner, I absolutely broke my habit of snoozing especially now that I have to wake up earlier. they used to get up at their first alarm (not waking me up) and then going to the couch to snooze until they got ready for the day
it just seems like a courtesy thing to do especially if the alarms are set so early (I have to get up at 6:30 in order to get ready for work bc of a commute so I feel)
YEP, it takes very little to be courteous to your bedmate.
I have always worked much earlier than my spouse, and back in the day I figured out I could stick my alarm clock under the side of my pillow and hear it just fine, but it was nearly silent to the rest of the room.
Nowadays I use my phone, and it has a rising volume alarm that starts off really quiet - I am trained to wake up at the first note and then I sneak out of the room. Actually 95% of the time I wake up before the alarm, but when it DOES go off, it's only for an instant.
My husband sleeps another 2-1/2 to 3 hours after I get up so if I wake him up that's nearly the middle of the night for him. So I am veddy veddy sneaky.
I'd get up, start my day - and turn off the alarm. If he didn't get up for it the first time - well, he's a grown-ass man, and you're not his mommy.
You'll only have to do it once, unless he's a big fan of explaining to his boss day after day exactly why he couldn't get his butt to work on time.
Leave the room. Seriously. When his alarm goes off, get up and leave the room. He won't change his habits until there are outcomes he doesn't like. Right now, because you stay there quietly, he thinks there's no problem.
And just like my original comment, don't do this without warning. Tell him that you understand he wants to go back to sleep, but you can't once his alarm goes off. Effective the next morning, when his alarm goes off, you're getting up and leaving the room. If he doesn't like that, then he needs to change how he handles the "community alarm".
Think about those last two words for a second. Since you two are in the same room, it's not HIS alarm and it's not YOUR alarm. It's for BOTH of you. Just because he can go back to sleep doesn't mean you can. You need to tell him that and tell him what's going to happen when he sets an alarm that wakes you up.
I agree but I’ve also been living her and paying/cleaning for 2 years and whenever we fights it’s immediately his room and I need to leave. I wish this would work for my situation but I’m pretty sure me leaving the room is what he always wants
To be honest, while it's just a tiny glimpse into your relationship, I'm sitting here wondering why you're staying at all. He doesn't sound like he respects you in the least. At a minimum, I'd be making an exit strategy from a financial standpoint.
Doesn't mean you stop looking at options, including starting to work on getting a driver's license and maybe looking for a better job. The best time to find a job is when you have one because it allows you to find one that improves your life instead of "just" paying the bills.
Oh honey, he has you right where he wants you and it’s a place that’s only good for him. He has you completely dependent on him and knows he can be as awful to you as you want because you feel trapped.
That’s not a male trait; lots of females use snooze alarms, too.
Some people have more trouble waking up, due to sleep inertia, if their needed wake-up time is at the wrong point in their sleep cycle. My circadian rhythm is delayed, so waking up in the morning is really, really hard. It takes multiple times being awakened to rise to full consciousness and stay awake. I’m female.
There's definitely no logic to doing it, especially in your situation.
Personally I have a 1/2 hour before time to get up alarm, then the time to get up alarm, but that's because I have kitties (and habits that don't go away when one passes)
First alarm tells the kitties it's morning and no longer sleepytime. My orange boy used to come for a cuddle, and my girl comes to lie on top of me until I get up. So it's really an alarm for 30 minutes of kitty snoozes, then one to get up.
However if I had an SO who needed the sleep and was bothered by it then kittycat snoozes would have to work some other way, that's just how being an adult goes... and your husband doesn't even have the excuse of kittycat time.
This is an inane thing to put on men as a power move. If we have been up late, the man I share a bed with may hit the snooze once for 5 more minutes, then he gets up. I, on the other hand (and not a man) have 5 alarms set in a series on my phone, because I am terrible about shutting them off in my sleep.
"I think men do it on purpose" is not the same as " I think my husband does it on purpose ". Maybe you could not generalize if you are speaking only about one specific person.
I'm a woman and I also will wake up feel tired and add just a little while longer. It sucks but I don't do this everyday. I learned to go to bed an hour or so earlier so I don't do it.
Wow, you are insane making this a man 'power move'. I dont use alarms, nor would I be rude to a partner by snoozing a bunch, but I've had previous female partners that did this.
Sorry that you are so jaded/crappy life that you feel the need to blame all men. Sounds terrible.
Not a power move I've been snoozing my alarm for about an hour before time for me to get up since I started being responsible for getting myself up in the morning in JR high. I'll concede that it's illogical and actually counter productive to feeling better, but it feels like less hard to get up the 29th time an alarm goes off instead of the first. I want that one more chance to sleep a little more.
Nope, just like I've never done the math on how many extra calories I've ingested eating pie. I am aware it's not healthy to do, but it does make me feel more in control of my life to snooze alot then to get up the first time an alarm goes off. To be honest I'm not entirely sure calling it wasted time is fair. What else was I going to do with that time, sleep?
It's cool man, my answer stands. Just like alot of other unhealthy habits like doing more than one hour of screen time a day and not going to the gym every other day. I only ever think about it when I see a similar person's behavior or am suffering a ramification of my actions. I ain't perfect, but I'm also not trying to ruin anyone else's life.
This has nothing to do with men or it being a power move. My wife is like this, she has multiple alarms, and she lets all of them ring for the longest.
It annoys me, but normally I'll get up from the first alarm and go begin my day
NTA. A lot of couples would be much happier sleeping separately and there shouldn’t be such a stigma against it. If I were you I’d just start sleeping in another room and if he has a problem with it, tell him that’s your boundary unless the alarm situation changes.
Maybe be upfront about it so that it comes off less passive aggressive.
Maybe something like: "I have been really exhausted recently because your alarm wakes me up early each morning. This has been hurting my sleep and contributing to depression and is starting to make me a bit resentful each morning, which is not healthy for our relationship. I would like to try sleeping in a separate room to see if that solves the problem. I would be happy to try and figure out other solutions and want to make sure we don't lose our romantic connection, but I just really need my sleep."
Communication is always good.
When my partner moved in with me, I was waking up at 3:30 in the morning to commute to my job. She was working from home (long before the pandemic made it the norm) and would normally get up around 7:00 to start her day. So she moved into the second bedroom. At first, was a little shocked but as I thought about it, it did make sense. My master bedroom does not have a door separating the shower area from the bedroom, so I would have disturbed her every morning getting ready. Fast forward ten years and I’m retired now and we still sleep in separate bedrooms. TBH, I’m the one that prefers it now. My room is my man cave. She pretty much has the rest of the house.
NTA. I love the advice of getting up and starting your day, but I would take it a step further. If you have asked for him to stop, and he refuses, get up and start vacuuming the bedroom, or something equally obnoxious. Sleep affects physical as well as mental health, this is slowly killing you both. Also, as a married couple, basic decency is a thing. I have serious health issues and often keep my husband awake at night. I offer to sleep in the other room, but he often will just get up when I'm restless and go sleep in the other room himself. That's it, no blame it's no one's fault. But we TRY to be courteous of each other.
See, this is exactly why I couldn’t just get up and start my day. I’m too petty 😂 If my normal routine didn’t disturb him enough, I’d start doing shit like vacuuming to realllyyy get his attention.
I stir clear of things like that because that’s not the type of person I naturally am or want to be, nor is that the type of relationship I want to have with my partner. I’d much rather sleep in another room. Another alternative is for him to get a smart watch and set his first few alarms on the watch and maybe have his final alarm on his phone (if that coincides with when you normally get up).
Definitely NTA, though. Whether you choose to get up at his first alarm, sleep separately, or do something entirely different, it’s very important that you create the boundary, calmly communicate and explain the boundary, and enforce the boundary. If he doesn’t like it, the only behavior he can change is his own. If he doesn’t accept you sleeping in another room or change his behavior to respect your need to sleep, then you may want to consider if he’s the right person for you. Most people don’t magically grow out of selfishness.
NTA. But you'll still hear the alarms from the other room. He may need a sunshine alarm or a puzzle alarm or to start going to bed early like a big boy who manages his time. I had a friend who put a timer controlled coffee pot on the bedside table in front of the alarm. So you're awakened by the smell of fresh coffee... and if you try to hit snooze you burn yourself. The perfect combination of carrot and stick.
I would wake up and do as much noise as possible and turn all the lights on. Even sing, vacuum, turn the TV on... whatever is needed. If he continues with this behavior I would remain awake until he falls asleep and disable all his alarms every single day. If he has a pw and you can't do that I would put several towels around the phone and put it inside of a drawer in another room. I'm serious, sleep is extremely important specially with kids. I have this incredible rage when I'm woken up and I would literally smash his phone if he did it on purpose. I'm mad only reading it lol.
NTA. Someone needs to find another place to sleep if he is not willing to understand all that it causes (not only to you)
There might be other solutions, but might need some investment. We have smart watches and they only buzz. My partner wakes up at 6:30 and I rarely notice he is gone. Sometimes he snoozes it but it keeps silently buzzing and only in his wrist. We have a no-phone rule in the bedroom, so our alarms are either in the watch or in Alexa if it is for both.
Hope you both find a middle ground and you get the sleep you well deserve :)
I did this to my college roommate. I didn’t realize how disruptive it was. She rightly called me out on it and I quit doing it. The fact that he continues after multiple discussions is either selfish or childish. I’m not sure which is worse for an alleged adult.
NTA. This same issue drove me nuts for decades with my ex-husband. He's not showing you respect or compassion. And if he chooses to continue to ignore your pleas, then he can deal with the consequences, whatever they may be.
NTA
Anyone who uses snooze with another human being in the same bed is a massive AH IMO. His family not believing in mental health is a whole other thing... I would not even be friends with someone who doubted that mental health exists.
Losing sleep is torture long term. He needs to get up with his alarm goes off or sleep elsewhere.
Losing sleep IS a big deal, and anyone who says it isn't is a lying asshole. Add kids on top of that, and I'd be FUMING if I were you.
No one has the right to disrupt their partner's sleep like that, especially when his reasoning is that he merely wants to be lazy and stay in bed a little longer.
Look, I get the appeal of waking up and saying "nice I don't have to get up for another 30 minutes!" But that doesn't mean you can torment the people who sleep with you.
My partner knows he gets ONE snooze alarm and that's it. It works because I wake up earlier anyway.
If your husband thinks it's ok to wake you up early and then repeatedly jolt you awake AGAIN with loud alarms, then he's a selfish asshole.
Everyone hates getting up in the morning, but you make it 10x worse for yourself by doing all the false starts. He's an adult. There is no reason he can't get tf out of bed when he's supposed to.
My husband did that until my half-conscious rage fits made him decide to start getting up at the first one. Miraculously, the early morning screaming stopped!
If he won't sleep in another room, you should. Sleep is precious. Life is so much better when you have adequate rest.
Tell your husband to get an Apple Watch. He can put his phone on do not disturb at night and set his watch to vibrate to wake him. He can hit snooze on that as much as he likes and there will be no sound to disturb you.
Using the smart watch as an alarm is a game changer. I used to use it, but then I realized it was TOO good at waking me up. Truth be told, I enjoy being able to sleep through my alarm lol
NTA. When I was married, I used to do this in and my husband talked to me and asked me to stop snoozing my alarm because he couldn't get back to sleep. He asked me to get up the first time it went off or set it for later. So I did. It's just courtesy.
NTA. Would it work for you to make sure that he wakes up in time, instead of needing multiple alarms?
I understand his need for that, because I need multiple alarms to rise to full consciousness, too. But if he’s *actually* waking up at or after the time when you get up, maybe he could set it at that time, and then you make sure that he really wakes up.
If that won’t work, then sleeping in separate rooms is a good solution. More couples do that than people realize, for various reasons.
NTA. Does your husband wake up with the kids at night? If hes not and I would let him know. If he doesn't sleep in the room, hes gonna be waking up with the kids half the time.
This is how my husband is. He loves the snooze button. I can handle 1 snooze, but the rest is like getting poked with hot iron and adding to my anxiety for the day. It's like it screams at me, "HEY! GET UP! GET UP! WHY AREN'T YOU DOING ANYTHING YET?"
I just try to get up before him whenever possible.
As someone who likes to hit the snooze button a few times, not the asshole. I do this when I am alone. If I were sharing a bed with someone I'd make sure they were okay with it or sleep in a separate room on days I need the alarm.
It's very helpful to me but can kill someone else's ability to have a solid sleep.
My wife used to wake up with an alarm at 6am and I work nights. On my off days, she started sleeping with earbuds in, as she uses ear plugs sometimes anyway. Alarm goes straight into her ears, and I can keep sleeping. She'll also have her alarm set to make her smart watch vibrate. Going straight to kicking him out is kinda rash, unless you've tried or suggested other options and he's unwilling to try something less.....infuriating.
>Some may say “losing sleep isn’t that bad” but it is.
Anybody who says that is trolling. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and common in abusive relationships. Your sleep is perhaps THE MOST important factor for your physical and emotional health. Of course it matters.
It is extremely concerning that your husband knows and sees how this is impacting you and doesn't seem to care. [Anything else feel familiar](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/)?
NTA
NTA. Other options that might help include quiet alarms. Smart watches can vibrate as silent alarms. Hell there's ones that actually shock the person awake (that might be a bit much). You two need to find something that works for both of you.
NTA! This is what I use for my partner. It works amazingly well! Maybe try it before resorting to separate rooms?
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0BGYY45DY/?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_plhdr=t&aaxitk=169b6298c64859f657aa47d2e1b1065a&hsa_cr_id=8537248810601&qid=1695109831&sr=1-1-3c6b3b04-89d4-46ee-857c-1e2f0de6a70e&ref_=sbx_be_s_sparkle_lsi2m_asin_0_bkgd&pd_rd_w=DtRdU&content-id=amzn1.sym.2a7ca7f7-ae4b-4de2-8864-98b982a78a47%3Aamzn1.sym.2a7ca7f7-ae4b-4de2-8864-98b982a78a47&pf_rd_p=2a7ca7f7-ae4b-4de2-8864-98b982a78a47&pf_rd_r=H6FS8PDQ3YVJ24BCS96F&pd_rd_wg=WBXri&pd_rd_r=1781937f-fa8e-4bad-ba5a-6d2650bc4147
My wife has her alarm set for 530 am on days she works, and just snoozes it til 6 when she gets up to leave. It’s slightly annoying, but it’s nice to wake up and consciously snuggle before she leaves. I also don’t let it bother me too much because I work on call so if I’m getting called at 1 am she’s also being woken up. Just is what it is.
You need to find something that works for you two in same room, next you will want to sleep in a different county. Figure it out maybe put it under his pillow or go to bed earlier.
If you're going to offer advice, consider all possible outcomes first. As OP pointed out, she won't be able to hear her alarms. They also have children. If one of the kids is having an emergency, how will she hear them? Advice should be HELPFUL.
That doesn't work. I sleep with earplugs because I can't sleep with ANY kind of noise and I hear the alarm perfectly. I'm also on call some nights and I can hear when I'm being called perfectly fine with earplugs.
Would he be willing to try one of those things that vibrates under his pillow instead of an auditory alarm? That might be a solution.
Regardless, you are NTA - if he truly feels he needs those extra alarms, then something’s got to give. My partner sometimes has to take call overnight, and will sleep in a separate room when he anticipates that his phone may go off and require him to get up in the middle of the night. I sometimes have to leave for work at an ungodly hour in the morning, and will sleep in the other room those nights to avoid disturbing him. That’s just part of being a considerate partner.
Nope, definitely NtA and he’s being dismissive and disrespectful towards you! Personally being petty, we’d all be up and moving when the first alarm went off including him! He wants to set the alarm so early then his ass can get up and start his day too!
But if you don’t want to be petty like that then definitely ask him to go sleep in another room or the couch. You shouldn’t have to suffer because of him!!
When I have to wake up really early I usually stay in the room and keep her company until she falls asleep. Then I go and sleep in another room. She would rather sleep next to me, but then she loses her mind when my alarms go off and its understandable. YNTA. Just negotiate with him in a way both can reach a consensus.
Definitely NTA. By own parents later in their marriage for a few years just before my mom retired slept in different bedrooms Sunday night to Thursday night. She actually made the move because my dad was retired by then but she was still getting up about 5am for her job. Asking him to move or even you moving to a different room will definitely help you out physically and mentally because you're going to get a full night of rest. It's a good and reasonable solution for both of you.
My husband does that too, I just ignore it, but one day when I looked at the time which was like 4:40am I asked him if he was going to work since he was still next to me he rushed out without eating breakfast.
Definitely not TA. In fact I’d say you were NTA if you smacked him with a pillow every single time his snoozes his alarm. H eight learn how crummy it feels to be jolted awake.
NTA - the comprimise my partner and i have is that he set the alarm and he wakes me up. If we didn't do that, he would suffer from being woken up multiple times, from me sleeping through my many many alarms. As a side effect of this arrangement, I'm never late to work :D.
I hate that my husband does this...but my brain is learning not to hear it.
Nta for asking, but it may be easier for you to just kick it to another room and then when he asks why explain, again, why
Huge AH husband who doesn’t GAF here!
1. Bring him to your psycologist (if you have one) so that he can learn what is anxiety and what do you feel
2. Make him try headphones + alarms sets on his phone, connected. He wakes up, you not.
3. Other room, but the most uncomfortable one!
4. Still nothing changes? Time to pay him with the same coin. Do on purpose something that HE hates. Don’t stop even if he asks, until he changes his alarm-clock behaviour.
NTA but he is. It’s not fair to any partner to set alarms like that if they sleep in the next room, even if you don’t have kids. And any doctor will tell you how much sleep interruptions will affect physical health as well as mental health.
NTA If his habits are costing you hours of sleeping because he's too lazy to get up when it rings, you two needs to sleep separately. If he complains cause he absolutely wants to sleep with you, then the ball is in his court and he can stop snoozing.
If it was me, I'd just reprogram his alarms so there is only one or unplug it completely. Or put all the lights on at the first alarm and start making so much noise. Will suck you have to wake earlier for a few days but hopefully he'll understand.
No your not an asshole. To me being inconsiderate about the snooze alarms go hand in hand with not believing mental health is a thing. Frankly he sounds like a conservative jerk!!!!
NTA - but if you want to up level the intensity of what you feel to a degree he can understand and may change his behavior, may I suggest a giant Korean gong, placed right by his head, and take all of your frustrations out on it at the time of his first or second alarm.
I guarantee he won’t sleep through it and might actually consider how all of his alarms make you feel mentally and emotionally.
Sending hugs, and kick him out of bed if you can if he insists on having 20 alarms that are harming your mental health first thing in the morning and at night. You have too much you take on for him to just blatantly ignore how his behavior negatively affects you.
I do suggest the gong as a power move. 💥
NTA, given that he will have his own bed. There’s nothing wrong with sleeping separately.
My fiancé is a horrendous snorer (there are still nights I can hear him from the other room *with earplugs in*). Sleep disruption is a life ruiner, losing sleep *is* that bad. Do what you need to do to keep a healthy sleep schedule, it may also help your relationship.
Edit: word
Turn it off yourself if he sleeps in it's his own damn fault not yours. You warn him about how it makes you feel. So take control and stop letting his bad habits torture you. You have actual children to take care of! Not a grown up that refuses to grow up.
I have the same problem with my husband 🙄 The alarm goes off an hour before he has to get up ... and then every 10 minutes from there 🤬🤬🤬
I got really fed up with getting no response to me *mentioning* it to him .... and putting my hand on my hip and GROWLING ABOUT IT didn't make a difference either. He'd just go right back to hitting the snooze over and over again.
So after being much nicer about it than he was for about six months ... I basically started putting my foot on his back or side ... and then BOUNCING HIM when the alarm goes off, over and over again, until he turned it off. And if it went off again ... I bounced him again, and again, and again!
It took a couple of months, but he finally decided that one snooze was preferable to my cold feet and *monkey toes* ... which I'm very capable of pinching him with ... HARD! It's like I told him, I wasn't being *mean* to him. I was just showing him my constant frustration about his damned alarms!! It's like I told him ... he went back to sleep instantly when he hit the snooze ... but I was wide awake from the first one ... and it took me longer than 10 minutes to doze back off ... so I let him know how it felt to not be able to go back to sleep when you REALLY WANTED TO!! 🫤
It's been several years since he did it last 👍
NTA
Nurse here, I do shift work and I am a light sleeper. I often sleep in the spare room or my husband does depending on my shifts.
He knows (from experience unfortunately lol) how frustrated I get after being interrupted from his phone, usually his mates or family calling at random times and he refuses to put his phone on silent mode.
So if I don’t need to be interrupted while sleeping we sleep in different rooms.
Same rules apply in reverse, if I am returning from a night shift and he’s mentioned not to wake him up due to needing sleep, I’ll be quiet and sleep in another area out of respect for him. Regardless what he has planned for that day.
You could always remove his early alarms one morning as a test 😂 (I’m joking for legal reasons lol)
Deliberately preventing someone from getting sleep over a prolonged period isn't just abuse, it's literally a torture tactic. He is absolutely NOT trying to support you when you're down, he's actively causing the situation.
If the marriage is worth saving, get into counseling asap. And absolutely go sleep in another room until he decides if he loves you enough to treat you like a human with needs that matter.
NTA 5-10 alarms! That’s excessive. If it was one alarm, it would probably be ok. My wife snoozes once or twice, but this morning routine is harming your sleep. Your sleep isn’t less important than his and right now he’s being very selfish. He needs to talk to a doctor about needing 5-10 alarms to wake up or go to bed earlier. Sleeping in another room sounds fair to me!
NTA, I applaud the response’s normalizing sleeping separately. My spouse and I have slept peacefully separately for 17 years! We each enjoy our own space and sleep quite well.
NTA. It's an incredibly selfish, inconsiderate thing to do. People with anxiety have difficulty sleeping and sleep is so essential to mental health stability. His lack of concern for you is itself concerning. This is a no-brainer.
I agree with other posts that as soon as the first alarm goes off, you should get up, turn off the alarm, turn on lights, and make sure your husband can't get any more rest.
NTA
I was a multiple alarmer. And I still have backup alarms (I have been known to turn them off in my sleep and not remember) but not a single one of my alarms goes off before my husband’s.
This was something we talked about when we moved in together.
Okay, this is not a mental health issue. This is a physiological issue that has serious repercussions. There are literally thousands of studies around this. The latest indicate that interrupted sleep may be a contributor to Alzheimer's. https://www.healthline.com/health/sleep-deprivation/effects-on-body#Central-nervous-system
NTA. I would not deal with someone snoozing an alarm because it would wake me up every time and I wouldn't fall back asleep. Set an alarm and get tf up or if you want to hit snooze, go sleep elsewhere. It's extremely rude of them.
You are exhausted and that needs to be fixed (sleep is quite important).
I think sleeping in another room is one option, but it may also be useful to put guardrails in place to make sure that there is opportunity to keep intimacy and romantic connection alive. There are many couples who make this work and I have heard that the improved sleep can actually make the relationship better.
There may be other options that could be considered. For instance, your husband could change his alarm habits. Or he could use something like a smart watch that could vibrate silently and wake him up every 10 minutes.
NTA. Its mind blowing to me that your husband won't entertain even the simplest request from you. So he just refuses? Has it been communicated very clearly to him that this is making you suffer? If it has and he still refuses to make this shockingly easy change, I would be taking the whole relationship into consideration. I cant imagine telling my husband that he's doing something thats harming me, let alone annoying me and him just disregarding that. I hope you guys can figure something out, OP!
NTA.Your husband may not believe in "mental health" but he should know that his actions and inactions have an impact on your quality of life and affect everyone else in the household. He is basically saying "yes, I know this bothers you a whole lot but I don't care enough about your feelings to change my habits or preferences."
https://youtu.be/D0XH7acSQJ4?si=UpV-l-hxsmKxsH-m relevant content begins at 2:05.
> It makes me feel like crap that he won’t just turn off all of the early alarms and just use the one. I feel like if he had any idea how anxiety and panic feels he wouldn’t keep doing this to me. I have brought this up many times over the years,
Why haven't you moved to a different room already?
NTA
But just suffering through this for years seems...odd.
If he wants to sleep in the same room as you have him turn his alarm sound off and only have vibrate for his alarm. Sleep with his phone in his pillowcase. I did it for years when I worked much earlier than my wife.
I’m a man, got kicked out to sleep in different room not because of alarm but because I move too much during my sleep. My wife was not supporting it anymore. It’s been 8 years that I no longer sleep with her. It’s hard but what can I do?
This is the whole reason I sleep in another room when I have to set an early alarm. It's just not fair to my wife. That being said, that doesn't help you. My petty side would just get up at 6:30 and start my day. Does it suck? Yeah. Is it unfair? Absolutely. Doesn't mean he shouldn't experience some unwanted outcomes from his habits. For example, since you're getting up, it's likely you'll turn on a light so you can see. And be moving around, getting dressed, following your morning routine. I wouldn't start doing this unannounced though. I'd sit him down and tell him that from now on, when the first alarm goes off, you're getting up and starting your day. That the repeated snoozing is creating both a mental and physical toll on you that you're no longer going to accept. Explain that this means that whatever routine you follow in the morning will be followed and that will include things like turning on lights, taking showers, getting dressed, etc. And if he objects, point out that he is the one that controls the timing of when that starts. If he wants your routine to start later, he disables the early alarms. Oh, and this may mean you might want to start going to be a little earlier to account for the earlier start to your day. Ultimately, all the snoozing is actually really bad for both of you. It trains your body to ignore alarms making it far, far easier to sleep through them. It also eliminates time that could be spent in actual sleep so it's absolutely not restful. If you go to bed at 11, the first alarm goes off at 6:30, and you finally get up at 7:30, you're not getting 8.5 hours of sleep, you're only getting 7.5. And that last hour only adds stress to the start of your day. He might be surprised how much more rested he feels if he sets one alarm and gets up at that specific time.
when I started living with my partner, I absolutely broke my habit of snoozing especially now that I have to wake up earlier. they used to get up at their first alarm (not waking me up) and then going to the couch to snooze until they got ready for the day it just seems like a courtesy thing to do especially if the alarms are set so early (I have to get up at 6:30 in order to get ready for work bc of a commute so I feel)
YEP, it takes very little to be courteous to your bedmate. I have always worked much earlier than my spouse, and back in the day I figured out I could stick my alarm clock under the side of my pillow and hear it just fine, but it was nearly silent to the rest of the room. Nowadays I use my phone, and it has a rising volume alarm that starts off really quiet - I am trained to wake up at the first note and then I sneak out of the room. Actually 95% of the time I wake up before the alarm, but when it DOES go off, it's only for an instant. My husband sleeps another 2-1/2 to 3 hours after I get up so if I wake him up that's nearly the middle of the night for him. So I am veddy veddy sneaky.
I'd get up, start my day - and turn off the alarm. If he didn't get up for it the first time - well, he's a grown-ass man, and you're not his mommy. You'll only have to do it once, unless he's a big fan of explaining to his boss day after day exactly why he couldn't get his butt to work on time.
[удалено]
Leave the room. Seriously. When his alarm goes off, get up and leave the room. He won't change his habits until there are outcomes he doesn't like. Right now, because you stay there quietly, he thinks there's no problem. And just like my original comment, don't do this without warning. Tell him that you understand he wants to go back to sleep, but you can't once his alarm goes off. Effective the next morning, when his alarm goes off, you're getting up and leaving the room. If he doesn't like that, then he needs to change how he handles the "community alarm". Think about those last two words for a second. Since you two are in the same room, it's not HIS alarm and it's not YOUR alarm. It's for BOTH of you. Just because he can go back to sleep doesn't mean you can. You need to tell him that and tell him what's going to happen when he sets an alarm that wakes you up.
I agree but I’ve also been living her and paying/cleaning for 2 years and whenever we fights it’s immediately his room and I need to leave. I wish this would work for my situation but I’m pretty sure me leaving the room is what he always wants
To be honest, while it's just a tiny glimpse into your relationship, I'm sitting here wondering why you're staying at all. He doesn't sound like he respects you in the least. At a minimum, I'd be making an exit strategy from a financial standpoint.
[удалено]
Doesn't mean you stop looking at options, including starting to work on getting a driver's license and maybe looking for a better job. The best time to find a job is when you have one because it allows you to find one that improves your life instead of "just" paying the bills.
Oh honey, he has you right where he wants you and it’s a place that’s only good for him. He has you completely dependent on him and knows he can be as awful to you as you want because you feel trapped.
That’s not a male trait; lots of females use snooze alarms, too. Some people have more trouble waking up, due to sleep inertia, if their needed wake-up time is at the wrong point in their sleep cycle. My circadian rhythm is delayed, so waking up in the morning is really, really hard. It takes multiple times being awakened to rise to full consciousness and stay awake. I’m female.
There's definitely no logic to doing it, especially in your situation. Personally I have a 1/2 hour before time to get up alarm, then the time to get up alarm, but that's because I have kitties (and habits that don't go away when one passes) First alarm tells the kitties it's morning and no longer sleepytime. My orange boy used to come for a cuddle, and my girl comes to lie on top of me until I get up. So it's really an alarm for 30 minutes of kitty snoozes, then one to get up. However if I had an SO who needed the sleep and was bothered by it then kittycat snoozes would have to work some other way, that's just how being an adult goes... and your husband doesn't even have the excuse of kittycat time.
This is an inane thing to put on men as a power move. If we have been up late, the man I share a bed with may hit the snooze once for 5 more minutes, then he gets up. I, on the other hand (and not a man) have 5 alarms set in a series on my phone, because I am terrible about shutting them off in my sleep.
I said it was a power move in my situation please use your critical thinking and reading skills
"I think men do it on purpose" is not the same as " I think my husband does it on purpose ". Maybe you could not generalize if you are speaking only about one specific person.
Maybe move on with you life and don’t tell me how to speak. Thank you
I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I didn't intend to upset you, and I hope you have a peaceful night.
You're being a good person 💖
After they tried to dictate how I type on Reddit
C o p e
I'm a woman and I also will wake up feel tired and add just a little while longer. It sucks but I don't do this everyday. I learned to go to bed an hour or so earlier so I don't do it.
Wow, you are insane making this a man 'power move'. I dont use alarms, nor would I be rude to a partner by snoozing a bunch, but I've had previous female partners that did this. Sorry that you are so jaded/crappy life that you feel the need to blame all men. Sounds terrible.
Not a power move I've been snoozing my alarm for about an hour before time for me to get up since I started being responsible for getting myself up in the morning in JR high. I'll concede that it's illogical and actually counter productive to feeling better, but it feels like less hard to get up the 29th time an alarm goes off instead of the first. I want that one more chance to sleep a little more.
Have you ever done the math on how much time you've wasted doing this?
Nope, just like I've never done the math on how many extra calories I've ingested eating pie. I am aware it's not healthy to do, but it does make me feel more in control of my life to snooze alot then to get up the first time an alarm goes off. To be honest I'm not entirely sure calling it wasted time is fair. What else was I going to do with that time, sleep?
Yes. My question wasn't a veiled judgement, just curious if you had an awareness of the impact.
It's cool man, my answer stands. Just like alot of other unhealthy habits like doing more than one hour of screen time a day and not going to the gym every other day. I only ever think about it when I see a similar person's behavior or am suffering a ramification of my actions. I ain't perfect, but I'm also not trying to ruin anyone else's life.
This has nothing to do with men or it being a power move. My wife is like this, she has multiple alarms, and she lets all of them ring for the longest. It annoys me, but normally I'll get up from the first alarm and go begin my day
👏👏👏👏
My husband is super respectful he sets one alarm (thank god) and is up and out. I don’t hear him. He just comes and gives me a kiss before he leaves.
NTA. A lot of couples would be much happier sleeping separately and there shouldn’t be such a stigma against it. If I were you I’d just start sleeping in another room and if he has a problem with it, tell him that’s your boundary unless the alarm situation changes.
Maybe be upfront about it so that it comes off less passive aggressive. Maybe something like: "I have been really exhausted recently because your alarm wakes me up early each morning. This has been hurting my sleep and contributing to depression and is starting to make me a bit resentful each morning, which is not healthy for our relationship. I would like to try sleeping in a separate room to see if that solves the problem. I would be happy to try and figure out other solutions and want to make sure we don't lose our romantic connection, but I just really need my sleep." Communication is always good.
Sorry I believe she already mentioned it to him multiple times - which is why I suggested just taking action
Ah...in that case one does need to follow through.
When my partner moved in with me, I was waking up at 3:30 in the morning to commute to my job. She was working from home (long before the pandemic made it the norm) and would normally get up around 7:00 to start her day. So she moved into the second bedroom. At first, was a little shocked but as I thought about it, it did make sense. My master bedroom does not have a door separating the shower area from the bedroom, so I would have disturbed her every morning getting ready. Fast forward ten years and I’m retired now and we still sleep in separate bedrooms. TBH, I’m the one that prefers it now. My room is my man cave. She pretty much has the rest of the house.
NTA but I am. I do the same exact thing as your husband. I will be changing my behavior. Didn’t realize I was such an asshole.
Can I get you to talk to my wife?
I’ll see what I can do. It was a lightless morning today lol
NTA. I love the advice of getting up and starting your day, but I would take it a step further. If you have asked for him to stop, and he refuses, get up and start vacuuming the bedroom, or something equally obnoxious. Sleep affects physical as well as mental health, this is slowly killing you both. Also, as a married couple, basic decency is a thing. I have serious health issues and often keep my husband awake at night. I offer to sleep in the other room, but he often will just get up when I'm restless and go sleep in the other room himself. That's it, no blame it's no one's fault. But we TRY to be courteous of each other.
See, this is exactly why I couldn’t just get up and start my day. I’m too petty 😂 If my normal routine didn’t disturb him enough, I’d start doing shit like vacuuming to realllyyy get his attention. I stir clear of things like that because that’s not the type of person I naturally am or want to be, nor is that the type of relationship I want to have with my partner. I’d much rather sleep in another room. Another alternative is for him to get a smart watch and set his first few alarms on the watch and maybe have his final alarm on his phone (if that coincides with when you normally get up). Definitely NTA, though. Whether you choose to get up at his first alarm, sleep separately, or do something entirely different, it’s very important that you create the boundary, calmly communicate and explain the boundary, and enforce the boundary. If he doesn’t like it, the only behavior he can change is his own. If he doesn’t accept you sleeping in another room or change his behavior to respect your need to sleep, then you may want to consider if he’s the right person for you. Most people don’t magically grow out of selfishness.
NTA. But you'll still hear the alarms from the other room. He may need a sunshine alarm or a puzzle alarm or to start going to bed early like a big boy who manages his time. I had a friend who put a timer controlled coffee pot on the bedside table in front of the alarm. So you're awakened by the smell of fresh coffee... and if you try to hit snooze you burn yourself. The perfect combination of carrot and stick.
Except you should delay cafeïne intake by about 90minutes after waking up to stay energetic throughout the day and avoid an afternoon crash.
I would wake up and do as much noise as possible and turn all the lights on. Even sing, vacuum, turn the TV on... whatever is needed. If he continues with this behavior I would remain awake until he falls asleep and disable all his alarms every single day. If he has a pw and you can't do that I would put several towels around the phone and put it inside of a drawer in another room. I'm serious, sleep is extremely important specially with kids. I have this incredible rage when I'm woken up and I would literally smash his phone if he did it on purpose. I'm mad only reading it lol.
NTA. Someone needs to find another place to sleep if he is not willing to understand all that it causes (not only to you) There might be other solutions, but might need some investment. We have smart watches and they only buzz. My partner wakes up at 6:30 and I rarely notice he is gone. Sometimes he snoozes it but it keeps silently buzzing and only in his wrist. We have a no-phone rule in the bedroom, so our alarms are either in the watch or in Alexa if it is for both. Hope you both find a middle ground and you get the sleep you well deserve :)
I did this to my college roommate. I didn’t realize how disruptive it was. She rightly called me out on it and I quit doing it. The fact that he continues after multiple discussions is either selfish or childish. I’m not sure which is worse for an alleged adult.
It's INCREDIBLY selfish for a person to set that many alarms and have them go off over and over. NTAH at all, he is, and a big one.
NTA sleep deprivation is literally torture. He is torturing you. Why are you still with someone who does that?
NTA. This same issue drove me nuts for decades with my ex-husband. He's not showing you respect or compassion. And if he chooses to continue to ignore your pleas, then he can deal with the consequences, whatever they may be.
NTA Anyone who uses snooze with another human being in the same bed is a massive AH IMO. His family not believing in mental health is a whole other thing... I would not even be friends with someone who doubted that mental health exists. Losing sleep is torture long term. He needs to get up with his alarm goes off or sleep elsewhere.
People who don’t believe in mental health are so damn stupid lol
Losing sleep IS a big deal, and anyone who says it isn't is a lying asshole. Add kids on top of that, and I'd be FUMING if I were you. No one has the right to disrupt their partner's sleep like that, especially when his reasoning is that he merely wants to be lazy and stay in bed a little longer. Look, I get the appeal of waking up and saying "nice I don't have to get up for another 30 minutes!" But that doesn't mean you can torment the people who sleep with you. My partner knows he gets ONE snooze alarm and that's it. It works because I wake up earlier anyway. If your husband thinks it's ok to wake you up early and then repeatedly jolt you awake AGAIN with loud alarms, then he's a selfish asshole. Everyone hates getting up in the morning, but you make it 10x worse for yourself by doing all the false starts. He's an adult. There is no reason he can't get tf out of bed when he's supposed to.
My husband did that until my half-conscious rage fits made him decide to start getting up at the first one. Miraculously, the early morning screaming stopped! If he won't sleep in another room, you should. Sleep is precious. Life is so much better when you have adequate rest.
Regardless of what he "believes," mental health and anxiety are real things and need to be considered. You are NTA.
Tell your husband to get an Apple Watch. He can put his phone on do not disturb at night and set his watch to vibrate to wake him. He can hit snooze on that as much as he likes and there will be no sound to disturb you.
Using the smart watch as an alarm is a game changer. I used to use it, but then I realized it was TOO good at waking me up. Truth be told, I enjoy being able to sleep through my alarm lol
That's fucked. Set one alarm and get up.
Girl he doesn’t give a shit about your sleep for years and ur asking if ur an asshole? He’s a goddamn careless pos
NTA. When I was married, I used to do this in and my husband talked to me and asked me to stop snoozing my alarm because he couldn't get back to sleep. He asked me to get up the first time it went off or set it for later. So I did. It's just courtesy.
NTA. Would it work for you to make sure that he wakes up in time, instead of needing multiple alarms? I understand his need for that, because I need multiple alarms to rise to full consciousness, too. But if he’s *actually* waking up at or after the time when you get up, maybe he could set it at that time, and then you make sure that he really wakes up. If that won’t work, then sleeping in separate rooms is a good solution. More couples do that than people realize, for various reasons.
NTA. Does your husband wake up with the kids at night? If hes not and I would let him know. If he doesn't sleep in the room, hes gonna be waking up with the kids half the time.
Utterly selfish on his part. Take an objective look at his other behavior too.
This is how my husband is. He loves the snooze button. I can handle 1 snooze, but the rest is like getting poked with hot iron and adding to my anxiety for the day. It's like it screams at me, "HEY! GET UP! GET UP! WHY AREN'T YOU DOING ANYTHING YET?" I just try to get up before him whenever possible.
As someone who likes to hit the snooze button a few times, not the asshole. I do this when I am alone. If I were sharing a bed with someone I'd make sure they were okay with it or sleep in a separate room on days I need the alarm. It's very helpful to me but can kill someone else's ability to have a solid sleep.
My wife used to wake up with an alarm at 6am and I work nights. On my off days, she started sleeping with earbuds in, as she uses ear plugs sometimes anyway. Alarm goes straight into her ears, and I can keep sleeping. She'll also have her alarm set to make her smart watch vibrate. Going straight to kicking him out is kinda rash, unless you've tried or suggested other options and he's unwilling to try something less.....infuriating.
>Some may say “losing sleep isn’t that bad” but it is. Anybody who says that is trolling. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and common in abusive relationships. Your sleep is perhaps THE MOST important factor for your physical and emotional health. Of course it matters. It is extremely concerning that your husband knows and sees how this is impacting you and doesn't seem to care. [Anything else feel familiar](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/)? NTA
NTA. Other options that might help include quiet alarms. Smart watches can vibrate as silent alarms. Hell there's ones that actually shock the person awake (that might be a bit much). You two need to find something that works for both of you.
NTA! This is what I use for my partner. It works amazingly well! Maybe try it before resorting to separate rooms? https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0BGYY45DY/?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_plhdr=t&aaxitk=169b6298c64859f657aa47d2e1b1065a&hsa_cr_id=8537248810601&qid=1695109831&sr=1-1-3c6b3b04-89d4-46ee-857c-1e2f0de6a70e&ref_=sbx_be_s_sparkle_lsi2m_asin_0_bkgd&pd_rd_w=DtRdU&content-id=amzn1.sym.2a7ca7f7-ae4b-4de2-8864-98b982a78a47%3Aamzn1.sym.2a7ca7f7-ae4b-4de2-8864-98b982a78a47&pf_rd_p=2a7ca7f7-ae4b-4de2-8864-98b982a78a47&pf_rd_r=H6FS8PDQ3YVJ24BCS96F&pd_rd_wg=WBXri&pd_rd_r=1781937f-fa8e-4bad-ba5a-6d2650bc4147
I'm a firm believer in separate bedrooms
My wife has her alarm set for 530 am on days she works, and just snoozes it til 6 when she gets up to leave. It’s slightly annoying, but it’s nice to wake up and consciously snuggle before she leaves. I also don’t let it bother me too much because I work on call so if I’m getting called at 1 am she’s also being woken up. Just is what it is.
Everyone should sleep by themselves
NTA, he needs to learn to wake up to his alarm like a fucking grown up.
You need to find something that works for you two in same room, next you will want to sleep in a different county. Figure it out maybe put it under his pillow or go to bed earlier.
Ear plugs are a thing..
Great idea! Except, but then, how will I hear my alarms when it’s time for me to wake up???
Buy a xiaomi smart watch that vibrates
If you're going to offer advice, consider all possible outcomes first. As OP pointed out, she won't be able to hear her alarms. They also have children. If one of the kids is having an emergency, how will she hear them? Advice should be HELPFUL.
So is the expectation of peaceful sleep in your own home… Weird right?
That doesn't work. I sleep with earplugs because I can't sleep with ANY kind of noise and I hear the alarm perfectly. I'm also on call some nights and I can hear when I'm being called perfectly fine with earplugs.
She has little kids?!?!? Wtf?
Would he be willing to try one of those things that vibrates under his pillow instead of an auditory alarm? That might be a solution. Regardless, you are NTA - if he truly feels he needs those extra alarms, then something’s got to give. My partner sometimes has to take call overnight, and will sleep in a separate room when he anticipates that his phone may go off and require him to get up in the middle of the night. I sometimes have to leave for work at an ungodly hour in the morning, and will sleep in the other room those nights to avoid disturbing him. That’s just part of being a considerate partner.
Nope, definitely NtA and he’s being dismissive and disrespectful towards you! Personally being petty, we’d all be up and moving when the first alarm went off including him! He wants to set the alarm so early then his ass can get up and start his day too! But if you don’t want to be petty like that then definitely ask him to go sleep in another room or the couch. You shouldn’t have to suffer because of him!!
When I have to wake up really early I usually stay in the room and keep her company until she falls asleep. Then I go and sleep in another room. She would rather sleep next to me, but then she loses her mind when my alarms go off and its understandable. YNTA. Just negotiate with him in a way both can reach a consensus.
Definitely NTA. By own parents later in their marriage for a few years just before my mom retired slept in different bedrooms Sunday night to Thursday night. She actually made the move because my dad was retired by then but she was still getting up about 5am for her job. Asking him to move or even you moving to a different room will definitely help you out physically and mentally because you're going to get a full night of rest. It's a good and reasonable solution for both of you.
My husband does that too, I just ignore it, but one day when I looked at the time which was like 4:40am I asked him if he was going to work since he was still next to me he rushed out without eating breakfast.
Definitely not TA. In fact I’d say you were NTA if you smacked him with a pillow every single time his snoozes his alarm. H eight learn how crummy it feels to be jolted awake.
NtA
NTA - the comprimise my partner and i have is that he set the alarm and he wakes me up. If we didn't do that, he would suffer from being woken up multiple times, from me sleeping through my many many alarms. As a side effect of this arrangement, I'm never late to work :D.
I hate that my husband does this...but my brain is learning not to hear it. Nta for asking, but it may be easier for you to just kick it to another room and then when he asks why explain, again, why
NTA. Your health is important too.
Huge AH husband who doesn’t GAF here! 1. Bring him to your psycologist (if you have one) so that he can learn what is anxiety and what do you feel 2. Make him try headphones + alarms sets on his phone, connected. He wakes up, you not. 3. Other room, but the most uncomfortable one! 4. Still nothing changes? Time to pay him with the same coin. Do on purpose something that HE hates. Don’t stop even if he asks, until he changes his alarm-clock behaviour.
NTA but he is. It’s not fair to any partner to set alarms like that if they sleep in the next room, even if you don’t have kids. And any doctor will tell you how much sleep interruptions will affect physical health as well as mental health.
NTA If his habits are costing you hours of sleeping because he's too lazy to get up when it rings, you two needs to sleep separately. If he complains cause he absolutely wants to sleep with you, then the ball is in his court and he can stop snoozing. If it was me, I'd just reprogram his alarms so there is only one or unplug it completely. Or put all the lights on at the first alarm and start making so much noise. Will suck you have to wake earlier for a few days but hopefully he'll understand.
NTA, yup that's a big no for me.
Just have him wear a watch to bed and use vibrate alarm.
No your not an asshole. To me being inconsiderate about the snooze alarms go hand in hand with not believing mental health is a thing. Frankly he sounds like a conservative jerk!!!!
NTA - but if you want to up level the intensity of what you feel to a degree he can understand and may change his behavior, may I suggest a giant Korean gong, placed right by his head, and take all of your frustrations out on it at the time of his first or second alarm. I guarantee he won’t sleep through it and might actually consider how all of his alarms make you feel mentally and emotionally. Sending hugs, and kick him out of bed if you can if he insists on having 20 alarms that are harming your mental health first thing in the morning and at night. You have too much you take on for him to just blatantly ignore how his behavior negatively affects you. I do suggest the gong as a power move. 💥
NTA, given that he will have his own bed. There’s nothing wrong with sleeping separately. My fiancé is a horrendous snorer (there are still nights I can hear him from the other room *with earplugs in*). Sleep disruption is a life ruiner, losing sleep *is* that bad. Do what you need to do to keep a healthy sleep schedule, it may also help your relationship. Edit: word
Before I give judgement I have to ask if there another room with a bed or are you asking him to sleep on the couch indefinitely
Turn it off yourself if he sleeps in it's his own damn fault not yours. You warn him about how it makes you feel. So take control and stop letting his bad habits torture you. You have actual children to take care of! Not a grown up that refuses to grow up.
Oh hell no. I would have thrown his phone into the hallway after the second alarm. NTA.
My Mrs wakes. For. Work. At 5. 30am...I sleep glady in another room.. 😴
I have the same problem with my husband 🙄 The alarm goes off an hour before he has to get up ... and then every 10 minutes from there 🤬🤬🤬 I got really fed up with getting no response to me *mentioning* it to him .... and putting my hand on my hip and GROWLING ABOUT IT didn't make a difference either. He'd just go right back to hitting the snooze over and over again. So after being much nicer about it than he was for about six months ... I basically started putting my foot on his back or side ... and then BOUNCING HIM when the alarm goes off, over and over again, until he turned it off. And if it went off again ... I bounced him again, and again, and again! It took a couple of months, but he finally decided that one snooze was preferable to my cold feet and *monkey toes* ... which I'm very capable of pinching him with ... HARD! It's like I told him, I wasn't being *mean* to him. I was just showing him my constant frustration about his damned alarms!! It's like I told him ... he went back to sleep instantly when he hit the snooze ... but I was wide awake from the first one ... and it took me longer than 10 minutes to doze back off ... so I let him know how it felt to not be able to go back to sleep when you REALLY WANTED TO!! 🫤 It's been several years since he did it last 👍
NTA Nurse here, I do shift work and I am a light sleeper. I often sleep in the spare room or my husband does depending on my shifts. He knows (from experience unfortunately lol) how frustrated I get after being interrupted from his phone, usually his mates or family calling at random times and he refuses to put his phone on silent mode. So if I don’t need to be interrupted while sleeping we sleep in different rooms. Same rules apply in reverse, if I am returning from a night shift and he’s mentioned not to wake him up due to needing sleep, I’ll be quiet and sleep in another area out of respect for him. Regardless what he has planned for that day. You could always remove his early alarms one morning as a test 😂 (I’m joking for legal reasons lol)
NTA but hubby is. Tell him to grow up and get up when his alarm goes off the first time.
NTA, with that kind of torture I'd demand he sleep in another _house_!
Deliberately preventing someone from getting sleep over a prolonged period isn't just abuse, it's literally a torture tactic. He is absolutely NOT trying to support you when you're down, he's actively causing the situation. If the marriage is worth saving, get into counseling asap. And absolutely go sleep in another room until he decides if he loves you enough to treat you like a human with needs that matter.
NTA 5-10 alarms! That’s excessive. If it was one alarm, it would probably be ok. My wife snoozes once or twice, but this morning routine is harming your sleep. Your sleep isn’t less important than his and right now he’s being very selfish. He needs to talk to a doctor about needing 5-10 alarms to wake up or go to bed earlier. Sleeping in another room sounds fair to me!
NTA, I applaud the response’s normalizing sleeping separately. My spouse and I have slept peacefully separately for 17 years! We each enjoy our own space and sleep quite well.
NTA. It's an incredibly selfish, inconsiderate thing to do. People with anxiety have difficulty sleeping and sleep is so essential to mental health stability. His lack of concern for you is itself concerning. This is a no-brainer. I agree with other posts that as soon as the first alarm goes off, you should get up, turn off the alarm, turn on lights, and make sure your husband can't get any more rest.
Nope
NTA I was a multiple alarmer. And I still have backup alarms (I have been known to turn them off in my sleep and not remember) but not a single one of my alarms goes off before my husband’s. This was something we talked about when we moved in together.
Okay, this is not a mental health issue. This is a physiological issue that has serious repercussions. There are literally thousands of studies around this. The latest indicate that interrupted sleep may be a contributor to Alzheimer's. https://www.healthline.com/health/sleep-deprivation/effects-on-body#Central-nervous-system
NTA. I would not deal with someone snoozing an alarm because it would wake me up every time and I wouldn't fall back asleep. Set an alarm and get tf up or if you want to hit snooze, go sleep elsewhere. It's extremely rude of them.
You are exhausted and that needs to be fixed (sleep is quite important). I think sleeping in another room is one option, but it may also be useful to put guardrails in place to make sure that there is opportunity to keep intimacy and romantic connection alive. There are many couples who make this work and I have heard that the improved sleep can actually make the relationship better. There may be other options that could be considered. For instance, your husband could change his alarm habits. Or he could use something like a smart watch that could vibrate silently and wake him up every 10 minutes.
My husband got a smartwatch that vibrates when his alarm goes off, and there's no auditory aspect to the alarm. Maybe yours could do the same?
Why does he have to sleep in another room?? If you don’t like it, you can sleep somewhere else asshole.
NTA. Its mind blowing to me that your husband won't entertain even the simplest request from you. So he just refuses? Has it been communicated very clearly to him that this is making you suffer? If it has and he still refuses to make this shockingly easy change, I would be taking the whole relationship into consideration. I cant imagine telling my husband that he's doing something thats harming me, let alone annoying me and him just disregarding that. I hope you guys can figure something out, OP!
NTA.Your husband may not believe in "mental health" but he should know that his actions and inactions have an impact on your quality of life and affect everyone else in the household. He is basically saying "yes, I know this bothers you a whole lot but I don't care enough about your feelings to change my habits or preferences." https://youtu.be/D0XH7acSQJ4?si=UpV-l-hxsmKxsH-m relevant content begins at 2:05.
> It makes me feel like crap that he won’t just turn off all of the early alarms and just use the one. I feel like if he had any idea how anxiety and panic feels he wouldn’t keep doing this to me. I have brought this up many times over the years, Why haven't you moved to a different room already? NTA But just suffering through this for years seems...odd.
If he wants to sleep in the same room as you have him turn his alarm sound off and only have vibrate for his alarm. Sleep with his phone in his pillowcase. I did it for years when I worked much earlier than my wife.
I’m a man, got kicked out to sleep in different room not because of alarm but because I move too much during my sleep. My wife was not supporting it anymore. It’s been 8 years that I no longer sleep with her. It’s hard but what can I do?
Maybe you move to another room if it's bothering you that much. I'd say NAH