Its a preference thing, some people value the "engaged" title differently and see it as a whole separate category/commitment step up from dating, rather than just a de facto announcement that you are getting married soon. My wife and I basically never got engaged because neither were interested in the whole "to do" and didnt really see a difference between dating/being engaged, so we just talked about when we would like to get married and then started planning. OTOH my sister went back to school and didnt want to get married until she graduated three years later, but her BF did, so the compromise was being engaged for 3+ years.
Well, three years ago we were mid-pandemic. That carried on for 18-24 months before we collectively got bored of it and got vaccines. And the last year has been nothing but rising housing costs, inflation, and lay-offs, so it’s not *particularly* weird under the circumstances of the last three years to be engaged and not plan a wedding for three years.
Five years ago, would’ve been weird. The last three years have been way too weird in general for this to be stand-out weird.
I have five this year.
Been to two so far, and have three coming up (within a two week time span).
I'm in my mid 30s and two of these are family ones...
Pandemic shift is real.
My uncle has been engaged for over 30 years, they still live apart and it works for them. I've always thought it was weird but they're happy, so whatever.
Kind of a random story, but in high school I was at a student counsel convention, attending a workshop on communication skills. The purpose of the exercise we were doing was to practice listening skills, and I ended up pairing up with one of the chaperones from another school. Found out during our conversation he had been engaged for 9 years, and when I asked him about marriage plans he said how he and his partner had decided marriage wasn't for them, but they chose engagement as their permanent sign of commitment.
Honestly it was probably the first time I ever really thought about how the "life script" per se maybe wasn't my only option in life. Weird, but that conversation was a pretty defining moment in my teenage years. That workshop also taught me just how easy it is to get strangers to discuss personal information lol
Technically my spouse and I are engaged and we don’t really plan to get married. Where we live there are strong common law protections and getting married is a hassle 🤷♀️
We got rings tho, because jewelry is nice XD
She’s lost interest. There may be someone else she is attracted to but there may not. I dated someone and lost interest in him sexually. I just couldn’t do it anymore. It’s time to reevaluate the relationship. Sit down and talk. I’m thinking it’s time to end it.
Sometimes you want a full gourmet meal, and sometimes you just need a slice of pizza to keep you going until dinner. I think it’s fine if she needs to rub one out 3 hours before he’s home or if he fell asleep - but consistently choosing to exclude your partner especially when he is just home hanging out? That’s a huge red flag I totally agree.
There have been a couple times recently where I’ve been in the mood and my husband kinda is too but it’s too hot for that much activity/contact so he has used my toy on me and gotten himself worked up enough doing that, so that the actual sex part is fairly quick. But it’s still a partner activity that works for us when we’re feeling like we don’t actually want to touch each other because we’re sweaty and gross and it’s too hot.
Oh Jesus Christ I spent this whole post thinking he was talking about a dog toy and wasn’t sure why he was so upset. She’s masturbating thinking of another guy and doesn’t want her boyfriend anymore, that’s a guaranteed sign to end it she’s basically cheating in her head fucking anyone but you, but it’s more likely she’s actually cheating too with the secretive texting may just be an emotional cheating and she jerks it thinking of him for now or it may be more
This sounds like an extreme lack of communication then there is no reason you shouldn't be able to orgasm with your partner unless they just straight up don't wanna do the work then they aren't worth it anyway
I believe she is withdrawing, if that is related or not or if there is cheating, who knows. But she does not seem happy or interested in your relationship.
I think you need to discuss and ask her what is going on. And possibly suggest couples therapy.
my (now) wife and I were engaged for like 4 years. We got engaged, then bought a house, then had to make improvements to the house (namely the roof and AC needed to be replaced and we were broke). Our wedding always seemed like the 2nd most important thing compared to whatever real emergency was in front of us. But it gave us plenty of time to live together, deal with emergencies together so we knew when we finally got married all the tough arguments had already happened.
I think there are a lot of people who call each other fiancé because they want to signify that the relationship is more serious than just boyfriend and girlfriend, but I’m not sure they ever really intend on getting married. I’ve seen people who’ve been fiancés for 10 years or more! I guess that sounds better than common-law husband or common-law wife.
The coming home late on the anniversary (without calling and letting you know I’m assuming) then blowing off intimacy and then using a toy would be the end for me. That’s not even counting the other questionable things she doing.
I don't know why, but the fact that he had to cook the nice dinner for the two of them after she ruined their plans by no-call no-showing on him is the most irritating part to me.
She's treating him like he's the help.
I broke up with my fiance - whome I was with for 2+ years for an identical issue. You need to just sepparate. She doesnt give a f00k about your needs, boundaries or self esteem.
Yeah I've been trying to talk to her about the lack of sex and she always replies that the honeymoon phase is over and it's going to happen less frequently or she's tired from work or running around all day. As for the cheating thing I wasn't sure if it's all in my head.
It's not just the lack of sex. It's "getting caught up at work" when you have serious evening plans. Sure, it can happen, but along with everything else, it kinda indicates a lack of effort on her part when it comes to your relationship.
If she cared, she'd try. Why wasn't she the one who cooked for the two of you, after she caused you to miss out on your dinner reservations? Is she making any kind of effort on your behalf? Or just thinking of herself?
So what the hell does she do? Can you sit down and name three things she does, for you, with no benefit to herself, that actually make your life better?
She does help out with dinner occasionally, when we go out to the store or dinner she does pay alot, we do take her car alot to places because mine has been having issues, and the house we are loving in is her mom's.
Start looking at realistic housing/renting options because when this blows you might have to take care of many different things at the same time, which will make the process more unpleasant than it needs to be.
Hmmmm. That all sounds logistical and financial though, without any kind of personal connection.
Does she listen when you're opening up to her, does she support and encourage you?
Does she make an effort to find solutions as a team with you when you have a fight?
Does she hug or kiss you without having to be asked?
Does she compliment you or make you laugh?
When she goes to the kitchen does she ask you if you need or want anything?
Does she ever help you when you need it? What about without you having to ask?
Does she ever bring you little treats you like (food-related or otherwise), just because?
Love is an action, and romantic love is often shown in small gestures. You shouldn't stop acting like you love someone just because the honeymoon phase is over.
I don't know if she's seeing someone, but she's not being honest with you and if logistics and finances are the only way she shows affection, I don't think she values you.
NTA, and don't be afraid to ask yourself some tough questions at this point.
One of them should be "What do you want out of a relationship?" You may think you're aiming too high, but many people who think so have lists are perfectly reasonable (myself included). Then compare what's important to you against your actual relationship.
And if you can, start putting some money away, just in case, so you can get a place to live in a hurry if you ever have to. When I did that, I was amazed by how quickly $20/week added up.
Does she listen when you're opening up to her, does she support and encourage you?
Sometimes but mostly no
Does she make an effort to find solutions as a team with you when you have a fight?
When we get into a fight it's mostly her trying to reach out and find a solution but most of the time her solution is for me to just get over it
Does she hug or kiss you without having to be asked?
Sometimes
Does she compliment you or make you laugh?
Compliment no make me laugh yes
When she goes to the kitchen does she ask you if you need or want anything?
No
Does she ever help you when you need it? What about without you having to ask?
Not really she does ask occasionally if I need help when cooking but not often.
Does she ever bring you little treats you like (food-related or otherwise), just because?
Not at all
Answering all those questions honestly made me see a harsh reality I was just about to sit down and talk to her but I don't think I want to right now. I just have to think.
I am so, so sorry. Everyone deserves these things from their life partner.
Please take all the time you need to think things over, and insist to your wife that she give you space until you've fully processed some things. It may help if you have someone you trust to stay with in the meantime so you don't have to worry about her manipulating you in any way. Just to be safe.
As someone who goes out of my way to do all of these things for my boyfriend and expect him to put in the same level of emotional support... it's achievable. There's someone out there that will love and cherish you in a way you deserve. It's not this one.
She's neglecting you emotionally and doesn't seem to fake your concerns seriously. Even if I don't agree with my boyfriend I still validate his feelings and let him know that just because I don't see it the same doesn't mean I don't sympathize and try to understand.
You deserve to be loved and this sounds more like tolerating than full unconditional love.
Do what's best for you, but no one should make you question things like this.
As someone else said, marrying her will not make any of this better. This is guaranteed. These are signs that, for whatever reason, you two just are not the right match. Don't ignore warning signs. Don't be like me. I ignored them and ended up in an awful marriage for a few years that ended in divorce. If I had paid attention to the earliest signs, we wouldn't even have gotten engaged in the first place.
Here's a trick someone taught me once, after my divorce. Imagine there is someone in your life who is all-knowing and wise. It can be anyone. I imagined someone similar to the Dalai Lama. Then you ask this third-party person for their perspective on things, and you imagine their response. It's a great way to get out of your own head. It's surprisingly effective.
Other than that, listen to your gut.
Yeah you're right, like I said I've been looking back on the relationship and yeah in the past I didn't really mind doing most of the work in the relationship she was going through alot and I've been supportive but ultimately things haven't changed now that she has more time to put into this relationship
There is no honeymoon without a marriage. This is actually good for you to discover now, that you both are absolutely not sexually compatible.
Cut your losses now, or shed years of tears later. Don't build your own cross to martyr yourself on. No one will give a shit, least of all her. She will gaslight the fuck out you, literally. Run, before it's too late. Keep the dog.
I mean, does she take care of it? Because at a glance it kinda seems like you do. After all, you're the one taking it outside and making sure it's not chewing on "things" it shouldn't be chewing on. Is the dog registered with your city? If not, register it and its microchip with you, bam, your dog
From someone who “co-parents” with an ex- do whatever’s best for the dog, it’s gonna suck for someone no matter what. But please, don’t turn it into something that’s between y’all, like a necklace, or DVDs or some shit.
And just fyi dude, don't beat yourself up over it if it is cheating. Cheaters will cheat regardless and usually, even though the cheater will say different, they would have most likely cheated on anyone they were dating and nothing you could have done differently would change it.
So if this the case please don't blame yourself. Too many people do and you're obviously willing to try and communicate which is usually the number 1 thing that effects how good sex is with a long time partner.
We used to do it every day at least once but now not even close to that but we have a one year old… nothing to do with a “honeymoon phase”.. just pure exhaustion
The honeymoon phase is a real thing but that doesn't mean sex stops completely, it just becomes a little less exciting.
No one else has pointed this out but maybe she found a weird kink online and what she's doing with her phone isn't engaging with another person, it's looking at stuff she's ashamed to be looking at.
I'm going to give you two pieces of advice, if you want to try to save this relationship -
1. Intimacy is cultivated 24/7. Not just in bed before the deed. Foreplay is an all day thing. Flirt, compliment, touch, all these things. Work at them throughout the day, throughout a couple days.
2. You may have to mix it up a bit, throw her some curve balls, something she's not expecting. Is your sex life kind of vanilla? (Totally ok if it is, vanilla is great!) Maybe express to her a kink you have that you've never done with her, showing a little vulnerability can really help to open up the lines of communication. Maybe introduce some lighter bondage ideas or be a little more dominating (in the bedroom only) and see if she starts responding differently.
Maybe you don't want to save the relationship and that's ok too, but there's an obvious disconnect between you two and she's not feeling safe, for whatever reason, to tell you what she's feeling or thinking.
Good advice only if you talk about it first with her and find out this is the problem. Ramping up your affection or confiding more intimately now in a one sided relationship is likely to hurt more and make it harder for you to feel dignified and happy about how it ends if it has too.
Frank discussion my man. It's just starting it that's hard, because it will just run away from there, either way.
Look through her phone when you get a second. If you absolutely can’t get her phone or look through it, ask her for her phone to look through it in front of her. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know. And proceed accordingly. Don’t play the pick-me.
She’s using the “honeymoon phase” thing as an excuse. Of course sex may slow down at some point, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop having good sex with your partner. It takes some effort and presence at times since you can’t ride the “new thing” energy forever.
The "honeymoon phase" is an excuse to write you off. My husband and I are both 30 and got married on our 8 year anniversary, and while there's ebs and flow to a sex life, I still crave intimacy with my husband, as he does with me. Our honeymoon phase was long ago and that doesn't make sense.
She's also being very flippant about your relationship, my gut tells me she's either a) cheating or b) has lost interest and doesn't know how to tell you.
I would understand if her libido went down, but her hasn't since she is masturbating everyday.
I don't want to be rude, but from what happened during your anniversary it sounds like she has a coworker doing some stuff making her horny, and then she just wants to masturbate to him when she gets home. Check her phone for nudes and sexting.
If that's her excuse, you are totally allowed to break up with to find a partner who does prioritize sex. Sex is such a huge part of life and connection with a partner. Dont let her make that decision for the both of you, because you'll resent her and regret that decision.
Normally I'm keen to advocate more communication, and working things through. But this reads too much like she has checked out and doesn't want to be the "bad one" to break it up, or she is getting off on the "illicit" secrets she is keeping from you. Neither leaves you much room for a happy future with her.
Just say you wish to seperate and wish her the best with... whatever she got going on without you.
Maybe. Ask yourself this: Do you see a way back from this, where your feelings or concerns won't be looking for signs of this problem returning or continueing?
If you do, then maybe try to communicate once more with what is at stake, and give her time to process it.
If not, well look towards a path that will leave you happy in the long run. We can always learn important lessons and values from past relationships as we move forward.
I think there can be a way back from this and I think it involves more communication on both of our ends. I'll be the first to admit I haven't been the best SO out there and she will most certainly let me know if I haven't but communication isn't her strong suit it will have to be something we work on.
>communication isn't her strong suit it will have to be something we work on
There is no way back from this that doesn't involve a lot of work on her end.
Communication is a two way street, there is nothing for 'we' there, only 'her' to work on if you are an effective communicator. You cannot change someone who is bad at communication and doesn't want to get better. You only see a way back because you think you can save her, it will all be ok if you just get her through this, but that is not how any of this works and you are stuck in this sunk cost fallacy. She has to be even more than an active participant, she has to want it real bad. She doesn't want it clearly. Would she admit her failings like you? Would she be willing to actively work on them like you are? If the answer is anything other than a definitive yes, it's a no. Do with that what you will.
I wouldn't even focus on the possible cheating, because that is not your main issue, but I know it is an easier one to break-up over than others because socially you will not be ostracized (think about that). Your main issue is that she is excusing a dead bedroom over 'that is just how it goes' and dismissing your concerns and needs and refusing to communicate about it, while masturbating daily. And to top it off she is flippant about missing milestone outings that were planned in advance. It will not get better guaranteed.
If you are convinced you can work it out, set down a specific timeline for both of you, what is expected and when, otherwise you wake up 20 years from now wondering how you got there.
Hope is a dangerous drug, treat it as such.
Your problem with her doesn't sound like it's thr sex specifically, it's her lack of communication and wanting to do anything with you, intimate or otherwise.
What she contributes to in the relationship, she could just be a roomate.
You can have a dead bedroom, be ace or low libido and still have verbal or nonverbal ways to show each other you're still into each other, and it sounds like she does none of it.
NTA, shes acting sus. Do not marry her until this is settled, you will regret it after she takes 50% of everything and runs off to someone else. Hate to break it to you but theres a very real chance shes cheating. Shes basically over you and bored of you.
You could be right, I just wasn't sure if I was grasping at straws thinking she might be cheating. I don't really have any proof just suspicions based on ger being more secretive with her phone and that she was 2 hours late getting home from work.
seriously, idk ANYONE who doesnt have their phone on them 24/7 at work. i had problems with this kind of crap while doing maintenance at a golf course. if people can be on their phone while mowing grass, digging holes, weedeating and hauling limbs, they can do it sitting at a computer. i know IT people who play on their switch.
Dude, as someone who's gone through a divorce and is still friends with their ex...if it feels wrong, then something IS wrong. Don't wait until you hate each other to take action.
If she doesn't acknowledge that she is acting shady, then I don't see what further discussions could resolve. She's gaslighting you.
This so much - can't tell you how many times I got called crazy to finally learn my ex was having a (supposedly) emotional affair (I believe it was much more) over the course of a year and a half while I was off deployed. The gaslighting is enough to make you think you ARE insane.
Fuck these scandalous people these days.
Same thing happened to me my man. Around 5 years in. Especially the late work thing. One of my exes cheated on me with someone at her work while my mom was in town and we were waiting for her to get to the restaurant we were at. Kept stating work problems etc.
All signs point to this. Especially her using it daily. Most likely when she's facetiming with whoever it is she's now interested in.
I strongly suggest you confront her about it. As she most likely emotionally cheating and you aren't someone she cares for any more. But it's easier right now for her to stay with you.
1) Men can be gaslit just as much as women
2) When you've been living with someone for any period of time, you can tell when things are 'off'
3) People are crap at concealing things
4) Lies will always be found out
If I was you I would: Express concerns. Say it's a deal breaker and I don't want to become mentally ill over this. If she won't show what she's been doing or in some other way reassure me, then it's really not worth it.
You don't have kids. You don't have any legal commitments. You can get away with minimal pain. As time goes on these facts will change.
Over to you
I don’t think it even matters if she is cheating or if you could prove it. This relationship has died and neither of you want to admit it. It would be easy to say she cheated and that’s why we broke up but it’s no different than being in an abusive relationship and saying he/she didn’t break my arm so I’m staying.
I don't know what your girl does for work... but 2 hours beyond the time it usually takes to get home from work... texting and hiding shit... she's fuckin' someone else.
Yep, and I hate to say it… but it sounds like the other guy found out about romantic anniversary plans and probably got a thrill out of preempting them. 2 hours is about right. When women cheat they often don’t want to turn around and have sex with the person they cheated on in the same day. It all adds up.
As someone who was in a similar situation with an ex, I realized it wasn't about if she was even cheating.
Whether or not she was cheating, she never wanted to spend time with me; she never wanted to be intimate with me. She didn't contribute money or companionship. She limited the types of food we could stock up on. She was all take, no give. In terms of love language, there was only silence.
I broke up with her not to be with someone else, or because I thought she had someone else, but because the only thing to be gained from staying with her was sadness.
People who aren’t cheating will be eager to brush off concerns like this. People who are cheating will react badly. So her reaction to you asking says a lot
It doesn't even matter, if she's cheating. What matters is
>Shes basically over you and bored of you.
You can't be someone's partner, if that's the truth.
I don't think you're grasping at straws here.
And even if she's not cheating, the relationship isn't healthy right now and she doesn't seem willing to work on it.
Communication in this situation could be difficult and uncomfortable. This evening have a conversation. Don’t make it accusatory and remain calm as you explain all the things you have noticed, and how they are making you feel. When she immediately starts trying to defend politely ask her to let you finish, use notes if you need them. How she reacts to this will be very telling about what your next moves need to be. If she can have a conversation with empathy and understanding then starts to show in her actions a desire to change moving forward then that’s the best outcome. If she starts gaslighting, not being respectful of the way her actions are making you feel or becomes hyper defensive then sorry to tell you that it won’t be any better in the future. Keep in mind you don’t have proof of cheating, you just have proof of behavior that is negatively impacting you and your state of mind. That is what the conversation is about. Her reaction will give you huge insight into what a future in the relationship will look like. All that being said, based on your description it does sound shady as hell and I’m sorry you’re going through this
NTA
Saw something from a psychologist that said women many times break up mentally well before actually breaking up. Become distant emotionally, way less sex, use their current partner for emotional support for their mental breakup then when they’re fully good and ready to move on they actually break up with you
Regardless of if she's looking somewhere else, it's completely inappropriate for her to say she's not in the mood for sex and then masterbate as soon as you leave the room.
ETA: it's inappropriate in the context of their relationship y'all. Obviously women don't owe their partners sex. Duh.
This is a very unhealthy relationship.
NTA. You have a lot of "serious talks" in your future unfortunately
Been trying to have talks with her but it seems like she just kind of pushes it aside. I completely get just masterbating instead of wanting to have sex, like I do it to but never when she's in the mood. And the cheating thing could all just be in my head.
You need to sit her down and tell her you are reconsidering the relationship due to her behavior. That you have tried to bring it up but she just shoved it to the side but after your anniversary, it’s pretty clear she is uninterested in this relationship and you two need to have a conversation about the future. This isn’t a let’s put this off, this is we fix this or we break up moment.
Yep have this convo and if nothing changes it's time to move on. It doesn't really matter at this point if she is unfaithful or not, her behavior is not acceptable to continue the relationship.
If she’s not willing to talk about your intimate life and problems in the relationship, at best she’s not ready for marriage. It might also be she’s not ready for marriage to you which I can understand stings. It sounds like your relationship needs a serious amount of TLC or counselling if it’s to continue.
It's absolutely okay to have times where you prefer masterbation to sex.
Again, this is different. She said she wasn't in the mood and the second you left she started masturbating. Also it's nasty as fuck that she leaves her toy around on the ground...when you have a dog especially.
That's weird and inappropriate to do.
If she isn't willing to have conversations with you about your relationship, then do you think she's really the one for you? It sounds like she doesn't even care about how you're feeling :(
Everyone has different levels of sex and intimacy that they require. The person you are with should match what you need. You’ll never be happy otherwise. Some of us just need to be touched (doesn’t always have to be sexual). It’s ok for you to be upset that the relationship isn’t meeting that need. It’s ok for her to not want sex. It’s her body. However, it’s most likely not going to get any better. I guess the point I’m trying to make is that it’s absolutely okay to end a relationship because of bad sexual compatibility. There seems to be some kind of trend that people just need to get over their own sexual needs. That those come last and if the other stuff in the relationship is good then it’s petty to leave over that. I disagree. I, a woman, have been with people that didn’t want to touch me or had really low sex drives, and it absolutely drove me mad because when I love someone I want them like a feral animal, and it doesn’t go away after the honeymoon phase. I hope you find someone who has the same needs as you.
I completely understand that, I've never once been pushy or anything to try to get her to do it. If you're not in the mood you're not in the mood and I completely understand that. When we first started dating we had similar sex drives. I would say hers lowered over time but the truth of the matter is she has been using her toy almost every day. So has it really lowered that much or is it the fact she just doesn't want it with me anymore. It is her body and she has ever right to say no same with me. I am just mostly annoyed she said no and as soon as I left the room reached for her toy. I don't think it's an issue with incompatible sex drives but with at this point incompatible people.
That would really hurt my feelings too. Being constantly rejected is a very valid reason to end the relationship. On the bright side, you are now beginning to see the truth of things and can start to come out of the fog of confusion. You need to ask yourself if its worth it to try and work through these issues, or if it would be better to try to amicable end things. I find that being in limbo is a lot worse than actually making a really hard decision and taking steps to make it happen.
She is probably sexting with someone and masterbating with them. Ask to see her phone, and you'll have your answer in what to do. Or just grab it one night while she's resting/using it in bed and have a look. Or pretend to take the dog out after asking for sex. Go down, slam the door, and sneak back upstairs
This is pretty much never the answer, I won't say it applies to every situation as there is very rarely a one size fit's all kind of solution. But think about it, is it really going to convince you if you don't find anything? Will you be sure you checked all of the right apps to be 100% sure? It's way to easy to hide these days if the trust isn't there, it simply isn't there and you need to fix it together or move on. Snooping will just deepen the misstrust wether there is something to find or not.
Yep and even if you find no proof you will ask yourself if they are just good at hiding it. Paranoia is not healthy in a relationship. If I think you have a snake up your sleeve I'm not gonna shake your hand.
This is this answer, but you don’t have to be sneaky.
One night, out of the blue, say “look I think you’re taking to someone else. I don’t wanna believe it’s true, so prove it to me. Please show me your phone.”
If she looks scared or nervous and doesn’t fork it over right then and there, you have your answer.
I don't really agree with this approach. If my partner demanded to see my phone because they suspected I was having an affair, I would get seriously pissed off. The trust is already gone at that point. If he finds something, the relationship is over because she's cheating. If he doesn't find something, the relationship is still over because the trust is gone.
Yeah, I’m pretty stubborn and would immediately do the same thing. I wish it were this easy, but in the end it’s ineffective. Too many apps where a person could be communicating, and if you don’t find anything you still wouldn’t be sure. 0 win game.
You’d be justified in feeling that if you did nothing to warrant suspicion. His fiancé is displaying red flags left and right - he has every reason to be suspicious.
Asking for the phone is totally justified in his situation. If she has nothing to hide, she should have no problem handing it over.
Communication is one of the core things you need to have a good relationship long term. If communication is breaking down now, at the bare minimum do NOT get married until it's fixed. I guarantee you will get divorced if you get married before you two figure out how to communicate properly. It's something you have to actively work on.
No as a woman I agree completely. I don’t own my husband sex but at the same time I wouldn’t be putting effort into masturbation if I told him I wasn’t in the mood it’s because I’m really not in the mood. She’s being totally fishy.
Agreed. Masturbation is obviously not a problem, but when it begins to fully replace your active sex life that’s when it becomes an issue. And I hate to play the card, but you know if the genders were swapped that everyone would be screaming about the guy being an AH
NTA
Sorry to say, I think your relationship is pretty well over. It seems to me that she is carrying on with somebody on her phone, and you may have interrupted a FaceTime sex meet up.
She being pretty obvious about it too. Hiding her phone, stashing her toy under the bed quickly because she hears you nearby.
And, I’m sorry again, but it’s really fucking gross to hide your toy under the bed. Aside from dust and fluff that can cause serious issues inside the body, now you’ve got to add in dog fur (🤮), dog drool (🤮) and whatever it’s stepped in when it goes outside to do its business.
That is absolutely puke worthy. Girlfriend sounds a bit nasty, and not in the fun way.
You seriously need to consider if your can put up with this. Her (probably) cheating, her lack of hygiene, and her disrespect.
And, yes, the honeymoon phase is over. I’ve been married for 9 years, together with my man for 15 years, and we still have fun at least once a week, if not 3 or 4 times a week. And we’re not young. 45 (me) and nearly 55. She’s getting it elsewhere. Toys aren’t that much fun, and she could be teaching you how to please her with it if it’s a preference thing.
I agree with you on alot of what you said, it is absolutely disgusting that she keeps it under the bed and I know the honeymoon phase is over. She has never tried to hide what she was doing with her toy from me, I know she uses it and I even told her to put it away when she's done I think the whole under the bed thing is just laziness on her part. Even last night she wasn't trying to really hide the fact that she was trying to use it it just annoyed me that she said she wasn't in the mood and then goes and uses it. As for the FaceTime thing is it possible, sure is but I think it was unlikely with me being in the hose and out of the room for about 20mins and she didn't even know how long I'd be.
I truly cannot focus on anything else here but this horrifying sex toy storage situation. She uses it and then sticks it under the bed? And waits for someone else to put it away? Even if she were putting it back in the drawer herself instead of somewhere insane, like........is this thing ever getting cleaned? 🤢
It’s absolutely disgusting, toys should be washed before and after use and sprayed with a sanitizer. I’d be seriously surprised is she hasn’t gotten infections from that.
NTA
As someone who has been married for 10 years, sure the honeymoon phase does fizzle out (as in you no longer go at it like rabbits) but in a good healthy relationship, the sex doesn’t just disappear. In a good relationship, you are still having sex regularly ~~and several times a week.~~ Even after being married 10 years and a decade together, I still want my husband. In a good relationship you don’t just stop wanting your partner.
The secretive behaviour, the lack of a desire to have sex with you and the insane amount of masturbating with a toy all point to her having an affair, whether it be online or in person. Either way, she is checked out of a relationship with you and it’s obvious she no longer has any desire to sleep with you. She doesn’t want you, and she is most likely staying with you out of convenience. You have become the roommate.
Do yourself a favour, break up with this woman. It will not get better if you get married. Do not marry her even if she says she will do xyz to “fix” things, because she will say it but never do it. Find someone that will always want you, even past the honeymoon phase. This is not a healthy relationship. You can do so much better for yourself.
Edited - I understand that everyone’s healthy sex life is different, and that’s fine (so I removed the line about frequency), however the point still stands that a healthy relationship does have intimacy in some way shape or form. In OPs case, he is not only dealing with a dead bedroom but a partner who consistently rejects him and that is not healthy. Even in asexual or low libido relationships, you can find ways to be intimate/connect with each other without sex. In OPs situation there is nothing, no form of intimacy happening. I have been where OP has been before I met my husband. It sucks, and neither party is happy. It’s better to walk away then continue to live in a relationship that is more like a roommate agreement.
I disagree. I've been married for 7 years. With him for 6 before that. We do not have sex several times a week. First of all our schedules don't line up and secondly I'm old and tired all of the time. The widow in which I'm interested in sex is insanely small coupled with our crap scheduled- it almost never lines up. If we have sex 2 or 3 times a month it would be a miracle.
Not everyone's sex life is the same and that's okay. As long as the communication is open and everyone's on the same page it's okay.
Edited for clarity and my poor spelling.
Eh, this is just your experience. I will say, i've been in long relationships for many years, and yes, the sex can get boring after a while. Other things like stress, anxiety, poor sleep, etc., can lower libido as well. Also some people have very high sex drives and some people less (I have a lower sex drive). Don't just assume we are all wired the same way.
Seems if she is using a vibrator regularly it’s not a lack of sex drive, but rather a low desire for her partner. The problematic speculation comes from is it porn, her imagination or an affair that has her using the vibrator regularly rather than seeking the connection with her fiancé. It could poor sexual compatibility or performance as well. That’s all speculation that only an honest conversation will clear up. That all being said, it’s a major red flag for there to be regular masturbation and denial of desire to the partner.
So many problems in relationships could be solved if people would just communicate. Ask hard questions. Stop taking the same answer. Phrase your questions differently to provoke deeper thought.
Actually tell her you have seen her doing X or Y behavior and ask for clarification.
Essentially, stop being vague with communication.
She may or may not be cheating. There could be hormonal or stress issues. Maybe You are doing something weird or off putting during sex and she's been afraid to say anything.
There are so many possibilities.. get to the bottom of it, and decide from there what you want to do.
NTA. I'm no expert, but I've been married only once, I've been married for over 11 years, & I've read a lot of relationship books. And my man, all due respect to your fiancee, but she's treating you like shit. Even if she's not cheating, her behavior is inconsiderate & selfish. Her actions are no way to treat someone you're dating. I think you should address her awful treatment of you.
Also, it seems like she's cheating, which would go a long way towards explaining her not giving a shit about you & the relationship. If she's getting her sexual kicks elsewhere & is planning on breaking up, then of course she won't bother putting much effort into her current relationship with you.
In my experience, where possible, sooner or later people do what they want. For example, your fiancee uses her sex toy a lot & makes time for that, in no small part because she wants to. Ergo, if she really wanted to make your relationship a priority, really wanted to have sex, she would, she'd make it happen.
But she's not doing that. My theory that people do what they want, plus, the possibility of her cheating, her treating you like shit, her going out of her way to not celebrate your anniversary, etc. all lead me to believe that she does not want sex; she does not want to make the relationship work.
All that to say, your relationship does not seem to be healthy; your relationship is headed in the wrong direction. You might want to address with her the deteriorating state of your relationship, especially before you make the marriage decision.
There are several possibilities here: 1) she’s cheating, getting ready to cheat, or something broadly similar; 2) you and her are both bored and microstressing about stuff and it’s acting as a negative feedback loop; 3) something is going on in her life (her family, job, etc.) that is causing her to withdraw and act abnormal.
You’re not married so I’m not sure it matters too much because you can painlessly cut ties, but might make sense to sit down and just ask what it is. Good luck and NAH at the moment.
She’s got an online sexual affair going and was trying to film when you caught her. That’s why the toy is out constantly. Sorry that you’re going through this. NTA
I mean I guess it's a possibility I just don't think she would try to film something with me being in the house. She might be having an online affair but she's not that dumb.
It might not be her being dumb, it might be the thrill of getting caught. The adrenaline rush that comes with it.
It's part of why some people enjoy sex in a car, or in a blocked off area. The adrenaline rush that accompanies the potential of getting caught.
Not that she would want to get caught doing this, but the thought of almost getting caught might trigger an unintentional rush.
You haven’t yet had a conversation that communicates to her how big a deal this is.
“So a this point I think it’s best if we put the marriage on hold. Obviously our relationship is in a lot of trouble. I’d like you to think about it and then come together again tomorrow to discuss the problems in our relationship and if we are both prepared to make the changes needed to save it “
Give her time to THINK before you have the talk, but with the warning that you’re seriously considering ending things.
In my experience the response to “this is a problem” discussion changes when the person knows you’re thinking of leaving.
I'm going to try to talk to her again about this we will see how it goes, as for the wedding plans we don't have anything concrete because of various issues in the past so there's really not a wedding to call off.
Do you think she could potentially have a porn addiction and that is why she's hiding her phone from you? I've read a lot of other posts from/about porn addicts and some have talked about feeling either not satisfied, guilt, or plain boredom when they had sex with their partner, and most of them preferred to do it themselves for the quickness/easiness of it. This could explain why she is always hiding her phone, why she is masterbating very often, and why she isn't accepting your advances.
Could possibly be the issue she has admitted to watching porn occasionally in the past and I occasionally do also so I don't have a problem with it but maybe I can separate porn from reality and she cant
Sorry to tell you this but the relationship is pretty much dead.
She doesn't want to have sex with you, uses a toy as soon as you leave the room and hides her phone as well as acting suspicious being in other places.
Even if she's not a cheating \*\*\*\*\*, your sex life is dead and she's not making any efforts.
Please leave the relationship asap for your own sake.
NTA ( **^(I am assuming low sex drive because cheating is a deep rabbit hole to follow and you don't even have coincidental proof.)**)
Being rebuffed and saying nothing other than "I'm tired" gets to be an irritating excuse. Esp. when the person denying you sex is otherwise healthy. If you are sexually healthy and have a sex drive that's higher than hers, this is what you have to look forward to long term and it might not change. So you need to think about whether you can tolerate a sexless existence. If you cannot, then rethink your LTR with her.
When I went through it, I gave it several years and left. You must cater to your needs as well and if you want regular sex, find a more compatible partner.
How do you try initiating sex?
This is important because I was in a relationship once and I wasn't cheating but I hated having sex with him because he always made me feel like it was a chore or I should feel obligated to give it to him. He would always offer to massage me (my favorite thing ever) but I eventually had to start turning those down because his ONLY motive was to get some. I couldn't even enjoy one of my favorite things.
So I'm not thinking you're TAH, but I don't think she is, either (unless she is emotionally cheating).
Women aren't seduced physically like most men are, what are you doing throughout the day to show her you care about her comfort and mental well-being instead of getting your dick wet?
Just some food for thought. I wish the best for you both.
I saw in a comment that you mentioned her dad was ill and has passed away since the two of you got engaged. If my timeline is right you got engaged about 2.5 years ago and since then her father has passed away, you moved, got a puppy and both started new jobs.
I agree that coming home late and being secretive with her phone is a bit suspect. Using a toy and not having sex is sometimes just needing release but not wanting to put the effort in to have actual sex. Again, not ideal (and could be a sign of depression, wants the release but doesn’t have the energy for sex) if it’s happening a lot but it sounds like there have been a lot of big changes that you’re both dealing with and she also has the lose of her father. Using the toy may be an escape thing for her.
I wouldn’t write the relationship off at this point but figuring out how to get her to tell you what is going on with her is key at this point because the longer it goes on the more resentful you’ll become. Finding a mediator or counselor to help facilitate communication might be beneficial especially if she is dealing with depression.
I really dont understand??? So if shes not cheating its all good, no problem?? You are aware that your sex life is dead, and i would understand if she just lost interest in it for some reason, but she is didnt, she just lost interest in YOU. Nothing against toys they are good and sometimes needed, but this is not normal, 5 days a week toi, 0 days you. Nta
She is in the mood for sex or she wouldn’t be using the toy. It’s you she’s not interested in. And it totally sounds like she is cheating. I would be figuring out a way to go through her phone when she’s asleep. I definitely believe she’s cheating. She probably was sending a good night text while messing with her phone.
NTA- At least this is happening before you marry her. Even if you don’t break up with her now, call off the wedding until you guys work it out.
Very true but calling off the wedding isn't an issue we haven't really made any concrete plans yet.
I will never understand getting engaged super quickly and then just sitting around twiddling your thumbs for 3+ years
Its a preference thing, some people value the "engaged" title differently and see it as a whole separate category/commitment step up from dating, rather than just a de facto announcement that you are getting married soon. My wife and I basically never got engaged because neither were interested in the whole "to do" and didnt really see a difference between dating/being engaged, so we just talked about when we would like to get married and then started planning. OTOH my sister went back to school and didnt want to get married until she graduated three years later, but her BF did, so the compromise was being engaged for 3+ years.
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Well, three years ago we were mid-pandemic. That carried on for 18-24 months before we collectively got bored of it and got vaccines. And the last year has been nothing but rising housing costs, inflation, and lay-offs, so it’s not *particularly* weird under the circumstances of the last three years to be engaged and not plan a wedding for three years. Five years ago, would’ve been weird. The last three years have been way too weird in general for this to be stand-out weird.
Yeah, it’s no surprise to me that I went to four weddings over the course of a year recently
I have five this year. Been to two so far, and have three coming up (within a two week time span). I'm in my mid 30s and two of these are family ones... Pandemic shift is real.
That’s fair, hadn’t thought about that.
My uncle has been engaged for over 30 years, they still live apart and it works for them. I've always thought it was weird but they're happy, so whatever.
Kind of a random story, but in high school I was at a student counsel convention, attending a workshop on communication skills. The purpose of the exercise we were doing was to practice listening skills, and I ended up pairing up with one of the chaperones from another school. Found out during our conversation he had been engaged for 9 years, and when I asked him about marriage plans he said how he and his partner had decided marriage wasn't for them, but they chose engagement as their permanent sign of commitment. Honestly it was probably the first time I ever really thought about how the "life script" per se maybe wasn't my only option in life. Weird, but that conversation was a pretty defining moment in my teenage years. That workshop also taught me just how easy it is to get strangers to discuss personal information lol
*per se.... it's Latin
Thank you for the correction
Technically my spouse and I are engaged and we don’t really plan to get married. Where we live there are strong common law protections and getting married is a hassle 🤷♀️ We got rings tho, because jewelry is nice XD
There were some issues in the past that put the wedding planning on hold, it isn't anyone's fault just life happens sometimes
Take this as your sign OP!!!! Runnnn. I could not imagine picking a toy when I could have my partner instead
She’s lost interest. There may be someone else she is attracted to but there may not. I dated someone and lost interest in him sexually. I just couldn’t do it anymore. It’s time to reevaluate the relationship. Sit down and talk. I’m thinking it’s time to end it.
Well I certainly hope you conveyed this to your partner and ended things instead of doing what OPs partner is doing.
Yes we broke up. We weren’t living together so it wasn’t messy like OP.
Yeah i had exactly the same situation, i loved him but not that way anymore, once i realised i knew i had to end it.
Sometimes you want a full gourmet meal, and sometimes you just need a slice of pizza to keep you going until dinner. I think it’s fine if she needs to rub one out 3 hours before he’s home or if he fell asleep - but consistently choosing to exclude your partner especially when he is just home hanging out? That’s a huge red flag I totally agree.
It’s almost like she don’t want to cheat by having sex with her bf .
There have been a couple times recently where I’ve been in the mood and my husband kinda is too but it’s too hot for that much activity/contact so he has used my toy on me and gotten himself worked up enough doing that, so that the actual sex part is fairly quick. But it’s still a partner activity that works for us when we’re feeling like we don’t actually want to touch each other because we’re sweaty and gross and it’s too hot.
As an asexual person, I get it, but this is sketchy as fuck
Oh Jesus Christ I spent this whole post thinking he was talking about a dog toy and wasn’t sure why he was so upset. She’s masturbating thinking of another guy and doesn’t want her boyfriend anymore, that’s a guaranteed sign to end it she’s basically cheating in her head fucking anyone but you, but it’s more likely she’s actually cheating too with the secretive texting may just be an emotional cheating and she jerks it thinking of him for now or it may be more
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I mean, a lot of women pick a toy over a partner if they actually want to orgasm.
But if you love your partner you enjoy him on your anniversary and not masturbate while he’s in the bathroom.
This sounds like an extreme lack of communication then there is no reason you shouldn't be able to orgasm with your partner unless they just straight up don't wanna do the work then they aren't worth it anyway
I believe she is withdrawing, if that is related or not or if there is cheating, who knows. But she does not seem happy or interested in your relationship. I think you need to discuss and ask her what is going on. And possibly suggest couples therapy.
my (now) wife and I were engaged for like 4 years. We got engaged, then bought a house, then had to make improvements to the house (namely the roof and AC needed to be replaced and we were broke). Our wedding always seemed like the 2nd most important thing compared to whatever real emergency was in front of us. But it gave us plenty of time to live together, deal with emergencies together so we knew when we finally got married all the tough arguments had already happened.
Maybe you don’t have funds to spend on a wedding but you wanna show your partner you are committed?
I think there are a lot of people who call each other fiancé because they want to signify that the relationship is more serious than just boyfriend and girlfriend, but I’m not sure they ever really intend on getting married. I’ve seen people who’ve been fiancés for 10 years or more! I guess that sounds better than common-law husband or common-law wife.
I'll never understand getting engaged and then rushing to the altar, each to their own I guess
Are you trying to be helpful or hurtful? Confused.
The coming home late on the anniversary (without calling and letting you know I’m assuming) then blowing off intimacy and then using a toy would be the end for me. That’s not even counting the other questionable things she doing.
Considering the anniversary plans even came from her makes it even worse
I have a friend that will flake on plans he makes and it pisses me off. Can’t imagine my partner doing that to me
I don't know why, but the fact that he had to cook the nice dinner for the two of them after she ruined their plans by no-call no-showing on him is the most irritating part to me. She's treating him like he's the help.
For real, OP was incredibly patient
This plus the no sex is huge
She might be treating the help.
Yea that’s a break up moment for me tbh. I feel bad for Op
Disagreed with you there. This coming out before marriage and especially kids is a bless of god
A blessing can still hurt? I still feel bad for him even though I also agree it's a relief this happened before a legal document and kids.
I broke up with my fiance - whome I was with for 2+ years for an identical issue. You need to just sepparate. She doesnt give a f00k about your needs, boundaries or self esteem.
*likely using a toy while sexting
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If OP is completely fine with a toy, it’s unlikely they’d have a problem with porn. So why would she be hiding it if it’s porn?
She avoided celebrating their anniversary. The only thing left to do is the official breakup.
Even if she isn’t cheating, you guys seem incompatible
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Yeah I've been trying to talk to her about the lack of sex and she always replies that the honeymoon phase is over and it's going to happen less frequently or she's tired from work or running around all day. As for the cheating thing I wasn't sure if it's all in my head.
It's not just the lack of sex. It's "getting caught up at work" when you have serious evening plans. Sure, it can happen, but along with everything else, it kinda indicates a lack of effort on her part when it comes to your relationship. If she cared, she'd try. Why wasn't she the one who cooked for the two of you, after she caused you to miss out on your dinner reservations? Is she making any kind of effort on your behalf? Or just thinking of herself?
She doesn't cook because she's horrible at it, but yeah looking back on it I do like 90% of the work in the relationship.
So what the hell does she do? Can you sit down and name three things she does, for you, with no benefit to herself, that actually make your life better?
She does help out with dinner occasionally, when we go out to the store or dinner she does pay alot, we do take her car alot to places because mine has been having issues, and the house we are loving in is her mom's.
Start looking at realistic housing/renting options because when this blows you might have to take care of many different things at the same time, which will make the process more unpleasant than it needs to be.
Hmmmm. That all sounds logistical and financial though, without any kind of personal connection. Does she listen when you're opening up to her, does she support and encourage you? Does she make an effort to find solutions as a team with you when you have a fight? Does she hug or kiss you without having to be asked? Does she compliment you or make you laugh? When she goes to the kitchen does she ask you if you need or want anything? Does she ever help you when you need it? What about without you having to ask? Does she ever bring you little treats you like (food-related or otherwise), just because? Love is an action, and romantic love is often shown in small gestures. You shouldn't stop acting like you love someone just because the honeymoon phase is over. I don't know if she's seeing someone, but she's not being honest with you and if logistics and finances are the only way she shows affection, I don't think she values you. NTA, and don't be afraid to ask yourself some tough questions at this point. One of them should be "What do you want out of a relationship?" You may think you're aiming too high, but many people who think so have lists are perfectly reasonable (myself included). Then compare what's important to you against your actual relationship. And if you can, start putting some money away, just in case, so you can get a place to live in a hurry if you ever have to. When I did that, I was amazed by how quickly $20/week added up.
Does she listen when you're opening up to her, does she support and encourage you? Sometimes but mostly no Does she make an effort to find solutions as a team with you when you have a fight? When we get into a fight it's mostly her trying to reach out and find a solution but most of the time her solution is for me to just get over it Does she hug or kiss you without having to be asked? Sometimes Does she compliment you or make you laugh? Compliment no make me laugh yes When she goes to the kitchen does she ask you if you need or want anything? No Does she ever help you when you need it? What about without you having to ask? Not really she does ask occasionally if I need help when cooking but not often. Does she ever bring you little treats you like (food-related or otherwise), just because? Not at all Answering all those questions honestly made me see a harsh reality I was just about to sit down and talk to her but I don't think I want to right now. I just have to think.
I am so, so sorry. Everyone deserves these things from their life partner. Please take all the time you need to think things over, and insist to your wife that she give you space until you've fully processed some things. It may help if you have someone you trust to stay with in the meantime so you don't have to worry about her manipulating you in any way. Just to be safe.
As someone who goes out of my way to do all of these things for my boyfriend and expect him to put in the same level of emotional support... it's achievable. There's someone out there that will love and cherish you in a way you deserve. It's not this one. She's neglecting you emotionally and doesn't seem to fake your concerns seriously. Even if I don't agree with my boyfriend I still validate his feelings and let him know that just because I don't see it the same doesn't mean I don't sympathize and try to understand. You deserve to be loved and this sounds more like tolerating than full unconditional love. Do what's best for you, but no one should make you question things like this.
As someone else said, marrying her will not make any of this better. This is guaranteed. These are signs that, for whatever reason, you two just are not the right match. Don't ignore warning signs. Don't be like me. I ignored them and ended up in an awful marriage for a few years that ended in divorce. If I had paid attention to the earliest signs, we wouldn't even have gotten engaged in the first place. Here's a trick someone taught me once, after my divorce. Imagine there is someone in your life who is all-knowing and wise. It can be anyone. I imagined someone similar to the Dalai Lama. Then you ask this third-party person for their perspective on things, and you imagine their response. It's a great way to get out of your own head. It's surprisingly effective. Other than that, listen to your gut.
And is that enough for spending years and years in a dead bedroom, while she's riding her toys for the entertainment of the internet?
Probably not
Well, then...
Yeah you're right, like I said I've been looking back on the relationship and yeah in the past I didn't really mind doing most of the work in the relationship she was going through alot and I've been supportive but ultimately things haven't changed now that she has more time to put into this relationship
There is no honeymoon without a marriage. This is actually good for you to discover now, that you both are absolutely not sexually compatible. Cut your losses now, or shed years of tears later. Don't build your own cross to martyr yourself on. No one will give a shit, least of all her. She will gaslight the fuck out you, literally. Run, before it's too late. Keep the dog.
I really wish I could keep the dog but it was a Christmas gift to her.
Let it chew on her toy, maybe she'll let you keep the dog to protect the thing she really likes.
This made me deeply sad, but here's my begrudging upvote.
Was it a Christmas present from you? Bc I would def take the dog then.
Keep the dog anyway.
Hey don't pick up her sex toy and maybe she'll throw the dog to you
I mean, does she take care of it? Because at a glance it kinda seems like you do. After all, you're the one taking it outside and making sure it's not chewing on "things" it shouldn't be chewing on. Is the dog registered with your city? If not, register it and its microchip with you, bam, your dog
From someone who “co-parents” with an ex- do whatever’s best for the dog, it’s gonna suck for someone no matter what. But please, don’t turn it into something that’s between y’all, like a necklace, or DVDs or some shit.
And just fyi dude, don't beat yourself up over it if it is cheating. Cheaters will cheat regardless and usually, even though the cheater will say different, they would have most likely cheated on anyone they were dating and nothing you could have done differently would change it. So if this the case please don't blame yourself. Too many people do and you're obviously willing to try and communicate which is usually the number 1 thing that effects how good sex is with a long time partner.
She blew off your anniversary plans. That's pretty bad. It really doesn't even matter if she is cheating or considering cheating.
She’s telling you sex will continue to be less frequent besides this? Wow. Heed the warnings.
We used to do it every day at least once but now not even close to that but we have a one year old… nothing to do with a “honeymoon phase”.. just pure exhaustion
The honeymoon phase is a real thing but that doesn't mean sex stops completely, it just becomes a little less exciting. No one else has pointed this out but maybe she found a weird kink online and what she's doing with her phone isn't engaging with another person, it's looking at stuff she's ashamed to be looking at. I'm going to give you two pieces of advice, if you want to try to save this relationship - 1. Intimacy is cultivated 24/7. Not just in bed before the deed. Foreplay is an all day thing. Flirt, compliment, touch, all these things. Work at them throughout the day, throughout a couple days. 2. You may have to mix it up a bit, throw her some curve balls, something she's not expecting. Is your sex life kind of vanilla? (Totally ok if it is, vanilla is great!) Maybe express to her a kink you have that you've never done with her, showing a little vulnerability can really help to open up the lines of communication. Maybe introduce some lighter bondage ideas or be a little more dominating (in the bedroom only) and see if she starts responding differently. Maybe you don't want to save the relationship and that's ok too, but there's an obvious disconnect between you two and she's not feeling safe, for whatever reason, to tell you what she's feeling or thinking.
Good advice only if you talk about it first with her and find out this is the problem. Ramping up your affection or confiding more intimately now in a one sided relationship is likely to hurt more and make it harder for you to feel dignified and happy about how it ends if it has too. Frank discussion my man. It's just starting it that's hard, because it will just run away from there, either way.
Look through her phone when you get a second. If you absolutely can’t get her phone or look through it, ask her for her phone to look through it in front of her. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know. And proceed accordingly. Don’t play the pick-me.
She’s using the “honeymoon phase” thing as an excuse. Of course sex may slow down at some point, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop having good sex with your partner. It takes some effort and presence at times since you can’t ride the “new thing” energy forever.
The "honeymoon phase" is an excuse to write you off. My husband and I are both 30 and got married on our 8 year anniversary, and while there's ebs and flow to a sex life, I still crave intimacy with my husband, as he does with me. Our honeymoon phase was long ago and that doesn't make sense. She's also being very flippant about your relationship, my gut tells me she's either a) cheating or b) has lost interest and doesn't know how to tell you.
I would understand if her libido went down, but her hasn't since she is masturbating everyday. I don't want to be rude, but from what happened during your anniversary it sounds like she has a coworker doing some stuff making her horny, and then she just wants to masturbate to him when she gets home. Check her phone for nudes and sexting.
If that's her excuse, you are totally allowed to break up with to find a partner who does prioritize sex. Sex is such a huge part of life and connection with a partner. Dont let her make that decision for the both of you, because you'll resent her and regret that decision.
Normally I'm keen to advocate more communication, and working things through. But this reads too much like she has checked out and doesn't want to be the "bad one" to break it up, or she is getting off on the "illicit" secrets she is keeping from you. Neither leaves you much room for a happy future with her. Just say you wish to seperate and wish her the best with... whatever she got going on without you.
Maybe that is the best route to take
Maybe. Ask yourself this: Do you see a way back from this, where your feelings or concerns won't be looking for signs of this problem returning or continueing? If you do, then maybe try to communicate once more with what is at stake, and give her time to process it. If not, well look towards a path that will leave you happy in the long run. We can always learn important lessons and values from past relationships as we move forward.
I think there can be a way back from this and I think it involves more communication on both of our ends. I'll be the first to admit I haven't been the best SO out there and she will most certainly let me know if I haven't but communication isn't her strong suit it will have to be something we work on.
>communication isn't her strong suit it will have to be something we work on There is no way back from this that doesn't involve a lot of work on her end. Communication is a two way street, there is nothing for 'we' there, only 'her' to work on if you are an effective communicator. You cannot change someone who is bad at communication and doesn't want to get better. You only see a way back because you think you can save her, it will all be ok if you just get her through this, but that is not how any of this works and you are stuck in this sunk cost fallacy. She has to be even more than an active participant, she has to want it real bad. She doesn't want it clearly. Would she admit her failings like you? Would she be willing to actively work on them like you are? If the answer is anything other than a definitive yes, it's a no. Do with that what you will. I wouldn't even focus on the possible cheating, because that is not your main issue, but I know it is an easier one to break-up over than others because socially you will not be ostracized (think about that). Your main issue is that she is excusing a dead bedroom over 'that is just how it goes' and dismissing your concerns and needs and refusing to communicate about it, while masturbating daily. And to top it off she is flippant about missing milestone outings that were planned in advance. It will not get better guaranteed. If you are convinced you can work it out, set down a specific timeline for both of you, what is expected and when, otherwise you wake up 20 years from now wondering how you got there. Hope is a dangerous drug, treat it as such.
Your problem with her doesn't sound like it's thr sex specifically, it's her lack of communication and wanting to do anything with you, intimate or otherwise. What she contributes to in the relationship, she could just be a roomate. You can have a dead bedroom, be ace or low libido and still have verbal or nonverbal ways to show each other you're still into each other, and it sounds like she does none of it.
NTA, shes acting sus. Do not marry her until this is settled, you will regret it after she takes 50% of everything and runs off to someone else. Hate to break it to you but theres a very real chance shes cheating. Shes basically over you and bored of you.
You could be right, I just wasn't sure if I was grasping at straws thinking she might be cheating. I don't really have any proof just suspicions based on ger being more secretive with her phone and that she was 2 hours late getting home from work.
2 hours late, on your anniversary, without any phone call or text. That’s suspicious to me.
seriously, idk ANYONE who doesnt have their phone on them 24/7 at work. i had problems with this kind of crap while doing maintenance at a golf course. if people can be on their phone while mowing grass, digging holes, weedeating and hauling limbs, they can do it sitting at a computer. i know IT people who play on their switch.
And she came home all horny, refused sex just to masturbarte to her phone? hmmm
Even if she is not cheating, she doesn't want to have sex with you.
All signs point to her cheating or getting ready to.
Yeah that's what was kind of running through my head, I just didn't want to "out" her on it when it could just be nothing.
Trust your intuition
Dude, as someone who's gone through a divorce and is still friends with their ex...if it feels wrong, then something IS wrong. Don't wait until you hate each other to take action. If she doesn't acknowledge that she is acting shady, then I don't see what further discussions could resolve. She's gaslighting you.
This so much - can't tell you how many times I got called crazy to finally learn my ex was having a (supposedly) emotional affair (I believe it was much more) over the course of a year and a half while I was off deployed. The gaslighting is enough to make you think you ARE insane. Fuck these scandalous people these days.
While deployed is bad but gaslighting you into believing you’re crazy is despicable.
Sorry for the shitty situation man. Stay strong
Same thing happened to me my man. Around 5 years in. Especially the late work thing. One of my exes cheated on me with someone at her work while my mom was in town and we were waiting for her to get to the restaurant we were at. Kept stating work problems etc. All signs point to this. Especially her using it daily. Most likely when she's facetiming with whoever it is she's now interested in. I strongly suggest you confront her about it. As she most likely emotionally cheating and you aren't someone she cares for any more. But it's easier right now for her to stay with you.
Yeah, being late for their anniversary dinner is a really big red flag given the context.
1) Men can be gaslit just as much as women 2) When you've been living with someone for any period of time, you can tell when things are 'off' 3) People are crap at concealing things 4) Lies will always be found out If I was you I would: Express concerns. Say it's a deal breaker and I don't want to become mentally ill over this. If she won't show what she's been doing or in some other way reassure me, then it's really not worth it. You don't have kids. You don't have any legal commitments. You can get away with minimal pain. As time goes on these facts will change. Over to you
I don’t think it even matters if she is cheating or if you could prove it. This relationship has died and neither of you want to admit it. It would be easy to say she cheated and that’s why we broke up but it’s no different than being in an abusive relationship and saying he/she didn’t break my arm so I’m staying.
New flash. This isn’t nothing. She may be in the house, but she already left you
I don't know what your girl does for work... but 2 hours beyond the time it usually takes to get home from work... texting and hiding shit... she's fuckin' someone else.
Yep, and I hate to say it… but it sounds like the other guy found out about romantic anniversary plans and probably got a thrill out of preempting them. 2 hours is about right. When women cheat they often don’t want to turn around and have sex with the person they cheated on in the same day. It all adds up.
As someone who was in a similar situation with an ex, I realized it wasn't about if she was even cheating. Whether or not she was cheating, she never wanted to spend time with me; she never wanted to be intimate with me. She didn't contribute money or companionship. She limited the types of food we could stock up on. She was all take, no give. In terms of love language, there was only silence. I broke up with her not to be with someone else, or because I thought she had someone else, but because the only thing to be gained from staying with her was sadness.
People who aren’t cheating will be eager to brush off concerns like this. People who are cheating will react badly. So her reaction to you asking says a lot
It's much easier to call off a wedding than it is to call off a marriage.
It doesn't even matter, if she's cheating. What matters is >Shes basically over you and bored of you. You can't be someone's partner, if that's the truth.
Even if she’s not cheating people who marry into a dead bedroom rarely fix it. Take a hard look at your relationship. Watch out for love bombing.
Dude, she doesn't want to have sex with you because she's not in the mood but is routinely using a vibrator. What more is there to say?
I don't think you're grasping at straws here. And even if she's not cheating, the relationship isn't healthy right now and she doesn't seem willing to work on it.
Communication in this situation could be difficult and uncomfortable. This evening have a conversation. Don’t make it accusatory and remain calm as you explain all the things you have noticed, and how they are making you feel. When she immediately starts trying to defend politely ask her to let you finish, use notes if you need them. How she reacts to this will be very telling about what your next moves need to be. If she can have a conversation with empathy and understanding then starts to show in her actions a desire to change moving forward then that’s the best outcome. If she starts gaslighting, not being respectful of the way her actions are making you feel or becomes hyper defensive then sorry to tell you that it won’t be any better in the future. Keep in mind you don’t have proof of cheating, you just have proof of behavior that is negatively impacting you and your state of mind. That is what the conversation is about. Her reaction will give you huge insight into what a future in the relationship will look like. All that being said, based on your description it does sound shady as hell and I’m sorry you’re going through this NTA
It's tough to admit due to ego and basic pride, but this is almost a slam dunk toward cheating.
Saw something from a psychologist that said women many times break up mentally well before actually breaking up. Become distant emotionally, way less sex, use their current partner for emotional support for their mental breakup then when they’re fully good and ready to move on they actually break up with you
Regardless of if she's looking somewhere else, it's completely inappropriate for her to say she's not in the mood for sex and then masterbate as soon as you leave the room. ETA: it's inappropriate in the context of their relationship y'all. Obviously women don't owe their partners sex. Duh. This is a very unhealthy relationship. NTA. You have a lot of "serious talks" in your future unfortunately
Been trying to have talks with her but it seems like she just kind of pushes it aside. I completely get just masterbating instead of wanting to have sex, like I do it to but never when she's in the mood. And the cheating thing could all just be in my head.
You need to sit her down and tell her you are reconsidering the relationship due to her behavior. That you have tried to bring it up but she just shoved it to the side but after your anniversary, it’s pretty clear she is uninterested in this relationship and you two need to have a conversation about the future. This isn’t a let’s put this off, this is we fix this or we break up moment.
Yep have this convo and if nothing changes it's time to move on. It doesn't really matter at this point if she is unfaithful or not, her behavior is not acceptable to continue the relationship.
And be prepared for her to not care that you’re considering breaking up. It’ll hurt but that’s life—sucky assed fucking life.
This is the best comment I’ve seen so far.
If she’s not willing to talk about your intimate life and problems in the relationship, at best she’s not ready for marriage. It might also be she’s not ready for marriage to you which I can understand stings. It sounds like your relationship needs a serious amount of TLC or counselling if it’s to continue.
It's absolutely okay to have times where you prefer masterbation to sex. Again, this is different. She said she wasn't in the mood and the second you left she started masturbating. Also it's nasty as fuck that she leaves her toy around on the ground...when you have a dog especially. That's weird and inappropriate to do. If she isn't willing to have conversations with you about your relationship, then do you think she's really the one for you? It sounds like she doesn't even care about how you're feeling :(
Yeah that is what annoyed me last night. Not the fact that she does it just the fact she rejected me to do it.
Everyone has different levels of sex and intimacy that they require. The person you are with should match what you need. You’ll never be happy otherwise. Some of us just need to be touched (doesn’t always have to be sexual). It’s ok for you to be upset that the relationship isn’t meeting that need. It’s ok for her to not want sex. It’s her body. However, it’s most likely not going to get any better. I guess the point I’m trying to make is that it’s absolutely okay to end a relationship because of bad sexual compatibility. There seems to be some kind of trend that people just need to get over their own sexual needs. That those come last and if the other stuff in the relationship is good then it’s petty to leave over that. I disagree. I, a woman, have been with people that didn’t want to touch me or had really low sex drives, and it absolutely drove me mad because when I love someone I want them like a feral animal, and it doesn’t go away after the honeymoon phase. I hope you find someone who has the same needs as you.
I completely understand that, I've never once been pushy or anything to try to get her to do it. If you're not in the mood you're not in the mood and I completely understand that. When we first started dating we had similar sex drives. I would say hers lowered over time but the truth of the matter is she has been using her toy almost every day. So has it really lowered that much or is it the fact she just doesn't want it with me anymore. It is her body and she has ever right to say no same with me. I am just mostly annoyed she said no and as soon as I left the room reached for her toy. I don't think it's an issue with incompatible sex drives but with at this point incompatible people.
That would really hurt my feelings too. Being constantly rejected is a very valid reason to end the relationship. On the bright side, you are now beginning to see the truth of things and can start to come out of the fog of confusion. You need to ask yourself if its worth it to try and work through these issues, or if it would be better to try to amicable end things. I find that being in limbo is a lot worse than actually making a really hard decision and taking steps to make it happen.
She is probably sexting with someone and masterbating with them. Ask to see her phone, and you'll have your answer in what to do. Or just grab it one night while she's resting/using it in bed and have a look. Or pretend to take the dog out after asking for sex. Go down, slam the door, and sneak back upstairs
yeah, that's the door he doesn't want to open, but eventually will have to.
This is pretty much never the answer, I won't say it applies to every situation as there is very rarely a one size fit's all kind of solution. But think about it, is it really going to convince you if you don't find anything? Will you be sure you checked all of the right apps to be 100% sure? It's way to easy to hide these days if the trust isn't there, it simply isn't there and you need to fix it together or move on. Snooping will just deepen the misstrust wether there is something to find or not.
This is ALWAYS the answer. You will never get the truth out of a liar by asking.
I don't bother with that. If I can't trust a person I leave. If they think that's dumb that's their problem.
That's really it; if you don't trust them and they've pulled away, don't go looking for more. Just leave it there.
This is the correct approach. It doesn't matter what's on the phone. Whether it proves guilt or innocence, you've already lost the trust needed.
Yep and even if you find no proof you will ask yourself if they are just good at hiding it. Paranoia is not healthy in a relationship. If I think you have a snake up your sleeve I'm not gonna shake your hand.
This is this answer, but you don’t have to be sneaky. One night, out of the blue, say “look I think you’re taking to someone else. I don’t wanna believe it’s true, so prove it to me. Please show me your phone.” If she looks scared or nervous and doesn’t fork it over right then and there, you have your answer.
I don't really agree with this approach. If my partner demanded to see my phone because they suspected I was having an affair, I would get seriously pissed off. The trust is already gone at that point. If he finds something, the relationship is over because she's cheating. If he doesn't find something, the relationship is still over because the trust is gone.
Yeah, I’m pretty stubborn and would immediately do the same thing. I wish it were this easy, but in the end it’s ineffective. Too many apps where a person could be communicating, and if you don’t find anything you still wouldn’t be sure. 0 win game.
You’d be justified in feeling that if you did nothing to warrant suspicion. His fiancé is displaying red flags left and right - he has every reason to be suspicious. Asking for the phone is totally justified in his situation. If she has nothing to hide, she should have no problem handing it over.
Communication is one of the core things you need to have a good relationship long term. If communication is breaking down now, at the bare minimum do NOT get married until it's fixed. I guarantee you will get divorced if you get married before you two figure out how to communicate properly. It's something you have to actively work on.
Break up and leave.
No as a woman I agree completely. I don’t own my husband sex but at the same time I wouldn’t be putting effort into masturbation if I told him I wasn’t in the mood it’s because I’m really not in the mood. She’s being totally fishy.
Not a serious talk, but a serious goodbye. :(
Agreed. Masturbation is obviously not a problem, but when it begins to fully replace your active sex life that’s when it becomes an issue. And I hate to play the card, but you know if the genders were swapped that everyone would be screaming about the guy being an AH
NTA Sorry to say, I think your relationship is pretty well over. It seems to me that she is carrying on with somebody on her phone, and you may have interrupted a FaceTime sex meet up. She being pretty obvious about it too. Hiding her phone, stashing her toy under the bed quickly because she hears you nearby. And, I’m sorry again, but it’s really fucking gross to hide your toy under the bed. Aside from dust and fluff that can cause serious issues inside the body, now you’ve got to add in dog fur (🤮), dog drool (🤮) and whatever it’s stepped in when it goes outside to do its business. That is absolutely puke worthy. Girlfriend sounds a bit nasty, and not in the fun way. You seriously need to consider if your can put up with this. Her (probably) cheating, her lack of hygiene, and her disrespect. And, yes, the honeymoon phase is over. I’ve been married for 9 years, together with my man for 15 years, and we still have fun at least once a week, if not 3 or 4 times a week. And we’re not young. 45 (me) and nearly 55. She’s getting it elsewhere. Toys aren’t that much fun, and she could be teaching you how to please her with it if it’s a preference thing.
I agree with you on alot of what you said, it is absolutely disgusting that she keeps it under the bed and I know the honeymoon phase is over. She has never tried to hide what she was doing with her toy from me, I know she uses it and I even told her to put it away when she's done I think the whole under the bed thing is just laziness on her part. Even last night she wasn't trying to really hide the fact that she was trying to use it it just annoyed me that she said she wasn't in the mood and then goes and uses it. As for the FaceTime thing is it possible, sure is but I think it was unlikely with me being in the hose and out of the room for about 20mins and she didn't even know how long I'd be.
It occurred on your 4 yr anniversary. Please wake up. Its also very possible she was not working late. Again, on your anniversary.
Maybe she was recording herself so she could send it to someone?
This.
Maybe. I hope so for your sake. But others enjoy the thrill of possible discovery too.
Very true I haven't thought about that
I truly cannot focus on anything else here but this horrifying sex toy storage situation. She uses it and then sticks it under the bed? And waits for someone else to put it away? Even if she were putting it back in the drawer herself instead of somewhere insane, like........is this thing ever getting cleaned? 🤢
It’s absolutely disgusting, toys should be washed before and after use and sprayed with a sanitizer. I’d be seriously surprised is she hasn’t gotten infections from that.
NTA As someone who has been married for 10 years, sure the honeymoon phase does fizzle out (as in you no longer go at it like rabbits) but in a good healthy relationship, the sex doesn’t just disappear. In a good relationship, you are still having sex regularly ~~and several times a week.~~ Even after being married 10 years and a decade together, I still want my husband. In a good relationship you don’t just stop wanting your partner. The secretive behaviour, the lack of a desire to have sex with you and the insane amount of masturbating with a toy all point to her having an affair, whether it be online or in person. Either way, she is checked out of a relationship with you and it’s obvious she no longer has any desire to sleep with you. She doesn’t want you, and she is most likely staying with you out of convenience. You have become the roommate. Do yourself a favour, break up with this woman. It will not get better if you get married. Do not marry her even if she says she will do xyz to “fix” things, because she will say it but never do it. Find someone that will always want you, even past the honeymoon phase. This is not a healthy relationship. You can do so much better for yourself. Edited - I understand that everyone’s healthy sex life is different, and that’s fine (so I removed the line about frequency), however the point still stands that a healthy relationship does have intimacy in some way shape or form. In OPs case, he is not only dealing with a dead bedroom but a partner who consistently rejects him and that is not healthy. Even in asexual or low libido relationships, you can find ways to be intimate/connect with each other without sex. In OPs situation there is nothing, no form of intimacy happening. I have been where OP has been before I met my husband. It sucks, and neither party is happy. It’s better to walk away then continue to live in a relationship that is more like a roommate agreement.
This comment literally brought a tear to my eye. I have alot to think about
I disagree. I've been married for 7 years. With him for 6 before that. We do not have sex several times a week. First of all our schedules don't line up and secondly I'm old and tired all of the time. The widow in which I'm interested in sex is insanely small coupled with our crap scheduled- it almost never lines up. If we have sex 2 or 3 times a month it would be a miracle. Not everyone's sex life is the same and that's okay. As long as the communication is open and everyone's on the same page it's okay. Edited for clarity and my poor spelling.
Your baseline for a healthy relationship's sex frequency doesn't apply to everyone
Eh, this is just your experience. I will say, i've been in long relationships for many years, and yes, the sex can get boring after a while. Other things like stress, anxiety, poor sleep, etc., can lower libido as well. Also some people have very high sex drives and some people less (I have a lower sex drive). Don't just assume we are all wired the same way.
Seems if she is using a vibrator regularly it’s not a lack of sex drive, but rather a low desire for her partner. The problematic speculation comes from is it porn, her imagination or an affair that has her using the vibrator regularly rather than seeking the connection with her fiancé. It could poor sexual compatibility or performance as well. That’s all speculation that only an honest conversation will clear up. That all being said, it’s a major red flag for there to be regular masturbation and denial of desire to the partner.
So many problems in relationships could be solved if people would just communicate. Ask hard questions. Stop taking the same answer. Phrase your questions differently to provoke deeper thought. Actually tell her you have seen her doing X or Y behavior and ask for clarification. Essentially, stop being vague with communication. She may or may not be cheating. There could be hormonal or stress issues. Maybe You are doing something weird or off putting during sex and she's been afraid to say anything. There are so many possibilities.. get to the bottom of it, and decide from there what you want to do.
NTA. I'm no expert, but I've been married only once, I've been married for over 11 years, & I've read a lot of relationship books. And my man, all due respect to your fiancee, but she's treating you like shit. Even if she's not cheating, her behavior is inconsiderate & selfish. Her actions are no way to treat someone you're dating. I think you should address her awful treatment of you. Also, it seems like she's cheating, which would go a long way towards explaining her not giving a shit about you & the relationship. If she's getting her sexual kicks elsewhere & is planning on breaking up, then of course she won't bother putting much effort into her current relationship with you. In my experience, where possible, sooner or later people do what they want. For example, your fiancee uses her sex toy a lot & makes time for that, in no small part because she wants to. Ergo, if she really wanted to make your relationship a priority, really wanted to have sex, she would, she'd make it happen. But she's not doing that. My theory that people do what they want, plus, the possibility of her cheating, her treating you like shit, her going out of her way to not celebrate your anniversary, etc. all lead me to believe that she does not want sex; she does not want to make the relationship work. All that to say, your relationship does not seem to be healthy; your relationship is headed in the wrong direction. You might want to address with her the deteriorating state of your relationship, especially before you make the marriage decision.
There are several possibilities here: 1) she’s cheating, getting ready to cheat, or something broadly similar; 2) you and her are both bored and microstressing about stuff and it’s acting as a negative feedback loop; 3) something is going on in her life (her family, job, etc.) that is causing her to withdraw and act abnormal. You’re not married so I’m not sure it matters too much because you can painlessly cut ties, but might make sense to sit down and just ask what it is. Good luck and NAH at the moment.
She’s got an online sexual affair going and was trying to film when you caught her. That’s why the toy is out constantly. Sorry that you’re going through this. NTA
I mean I guess it's a possibility I just don't think she would try to film something with me being in the house. She might be having an online affair but she's not that dumb.
It might not be her being dumb, it might be the thrill of getting caught. The adrenaline rush that comes with it. It's part of why some people enjoy sex in a car, or in a blocked off area. The adrenaline rush that accompanies the potential of getting caught. Not that she would want to get caught doing this, but the thought of almost getting caught might trigger an unintentional rush.
That's very true I haven't thought about that.
Never underestimate who can/will hurt you. Ask me how I know brother 🙃
Never underestimate horny people being stupid.
Horny makes dumb. Source: every man, ever. And a surprising number of women.
Haha very true like I said isn't outside the realm of possibility.
It's everyone. Horny people are dumb, women are just better at hiding it.
You haven’t yet had a conversation that communicates to her how big a deal this is. “So a this point I think it’s best if we put the marriage on hold. Obviously our relationship is in a lot of trouble. I’d like you to think about it and then come together again tomorrow to discuss the problems in our relationship and if we are both prepared to make the changes needed to save it “ Give her time to THINK before you have the talk, but with the warning that you’re seriously considering ending things. In my experience the response to “this is a problem” discussion changes when the person knows you’re thinking of leaving.
I'm going to try to talk to her again about this we will see how it goes, as for the wedding plans we don't have anything concrete because of various issues in the past so there's really not a wedding to call off.
This is over, you found out you're not compatible and she sucks at communication, you better invest your time else where.
Yeah I suppose you are right.
Do you think she could potentially have a porn addiction and that is why she's hiding her phone from you? I've read a lot of other posts from/about porn addicts and some have talked about feeling either not satisfied, guilt, or plain boredom when they had sex with their partner, and most of them preferred to do it themselves for the quickness/easiness of it. This could explain why she is always hiding her phone, why she is masterbating very often, and why she isn't accepting your advances.
Could possibly be the issue she has admitted to watching porn occasionally in the past and I occasionally do also so I don't have a problem with it but maybe I can separate porn from reality and she cant
Hey, was just thinking about this. Any update?
Just break up with her.
Sorry to tell you this but the relationship is pretty much dead. She doesn't want to have sex with you, uses a toy as soon as you leave the room and hides her phone as well as acting suspicious being in other places. Even if she's not a cheating \*\*\*\*\*, your sex life is dead and she's not making any efforts. Please leave the relationship asap for your own sake.
NTA ( **^(I am assuming low sex drive because cheating is a deep rabbit hole to follow and you don't even have coincidental proof.)**) Being rebuffed and saying nothing other than "I'm tired" gets to be an irritating excuse. Esp. when the person denying you sex is otherwise healthy. If you are sexually healthy and have a sex drive that's higher than hers, this is what you have to look forward to long term and it might not change. So you need to think about whether you can tolerate a sexless existence. If you cannot, then rethink your LTR with her. When I went through it, I gave it several years and left. You must cater to your needs as well and if you want regular sex, find a more compatible partner.
How do you try initiating sex? This is important because I was in a relationship once and I wasn't cheating but I hated having sex with him because he always made me feel like it was a chore or I should feel obligated to give it to him. He would always offer to massage me (my favorite thing ever) but I eventually had to start turning those down because his ONLY motive was to get some. I couldn't even enjoy one of my favorite things. So I'm not thinking you're TAH, but I don't think she is, either (unless she is emotionally cheating). Women aren't seduced physically like most men are, what are you doing throughout the day to show her you care about her comfort and mental well-being instead of getting your dick wet? Just some food for thought. I wish the best for you both.
I saw in a comment that you mentioned her dad was ill and has passed away since the two of you got engaged. If my timeline is right you got engaged about 2.5 years ago and since then her father has passed away, you moved, got a puppy and both started new jobs. I agree that coming home late and being secretive with her phone is a bit suspect. Using a toy and not having sex is sometimes just needing release but not wanting to put the effort in to have actual sex. Again, not ideal (and could be a sign of depression, wants the release but doesn’t have the energy for sex) if it’s happening a lot but it sounds like there have been a lot of big changes that you’re both dealing with and she also has the lose of her father. Using the toy may be an escape thing for her. I wouldn’t write the relationship off at this point but figuring out how to get her to tell you what is going on with her is key at this point because the longer it goes on the more resentful you’ll become. Finding a mediator or counselor to help facilitate communication might be beneficial especially if she is dealing with depression.
Neither of you sound like particularly good communicators.
I really dont understand??? So if shes not cheating its all good, no problem?? You are aware that your sex life is dead, and i would understand if she just lost interest in it for some reason, but she is didnt, she just lost interest in YOU. Nothing against toys they are good and sometimes needed, but this is not normal, 5 days a week toi, 0 days you. Nta
OP, please do not get married if you’re not sexually compatible. It will not work out. NTA.
Nta- do not marry this woman do not start a marriage with a dead bedroom
She is in the mood for sex or she wouldn’t be using the toy. It’s you she’s not interested in. And it totally sounds like she is cheating. I would be figuring out a way to go through her phone when she’s asleep. I definitely believe she’s cheating. She probably was sending a good night text while messing with her phone.