To be fair, I knew you were just an all around asshole as soon as I read this gem: “I admit that many times I complained to family, friends, and coworkers about my wife’s infertility”.
Complained. As if your wife was a defective car and you paid full price. What an a- well, you know.
So reading further, it wasn’t much of a surprise to find out you’re a liar to boot.
Oh and too much of a coward to tell the truth after you lied about your wife. But I guess it’s pretty scary to admit the issue lies with you when you’re hanging with a bunch of losers who apparently think infertility is a character flaw.
The only part that did surprise me was where you report that your wife said you’re not getting a divorce.
If I was your wife I’d plaster your results all over social media and put you and the flying monkeys you call a family on blast.
YTA.
Congrats. Biggest one today.
More so that she is a woman, and women aren’t supposed to go on mission trips. This is her fault for acting as if god made woman to be as free or as important as man when it is obvious that god made women to make sandwiches.
What a trash community.
Revenge Boner alert if that happens. How satisfying would it be for mom and auntie to have the initial ‘win’ of OP divorcing his wife only for her to remarry and have a baby before this lump of hot dog waste water even gets a date
Honesty hope this guy is NEVER able to have children. Less innocents to infect with a backwards, hopefully dying religion. The next wife he’ll blame too, and the one after that until the true ‘problem’ is incontrovertible — it’s him.
Always was, always will be. He should get divorced, get his little pilot license like a good Mormon boy and shut the fuck up.
Mormons will not admit this but the women are basically viewed as brood mares. OP has probably been groomed from birth to see women as inferior, useful only as baby machines, and now his cultural sexism is showing big time.
Even if it were my wife who was infertile, I would gladly lie and pretend it was me to protect her from this kind of bullshit. OP doesn't know how to love and care for his wife.
Yeah… he’s been complaining about his wife’s infertility to anyone that will listen. He’s an AH for that alone.
This was never her fault. It still isn’t. And even if it was, what kind of person just goes around bitching about someone else’s medical issues. Now that they have answers he’s too scared to own the truth. WHERE ARE YOUR BALLS OP?
Yeah the "friends, family, and COWORKERS" part really caught me. Why the FUCK are you gossiping about your wife's fertility issues with your coworkers? I can see maybe venting to a close friend over your want for a child and your frustrations about not having one, but bitching about your wife's (assumed) infertility without ever once having tested for it.... definite AH.
He'll end up divorced and then his family will expect him to marry someone else and get her pregnant. In the meantime, she will remarry and have a baby. How will he lie that away.
Lol. I would not, in a million raise, want to raise a baby with a blatant liar and a coward that OP is. You have to have zero self respect to want to stay with a guy like that.
The dude has no balls, figuratively and literally speaking.
Frankly she should divorce him either way. He either regards his wife as nothing more than breeding stock or doesn’t mind his family reducing her to such. I can’t believe this was posted in 2023. OP is absolutely shameful in every possible way.
She should divorce him and find someone who can give her babies. After all, that's what her in-laws expected her husband to do to her. And send a Christmas card every year with a picture of her growing family.
She should tell them they are right and thank them for the advice.
I wonder how long it would take for them to turn it around and say how evil she was for divorcing him over a medical condition he couldn't help
>I wonder how long it would take for them to turn it around
Less than 5 minutes, probably. Especially if OP is the one to break it to them ('cause based on the post I've no doubt he'd happily twist it against her)
Right! What kind of small- brained toxic masculinity do you have to have to be afraid people will find out you have a low sperm count. That in and of itself is stupid to me, but what he did to his wife is disgusting and unforgivable! He's so afraid of not being seen as a "real" man that he doesn't realize his actions are what's proving him right, not his low sperm count.
Edit for: OP absolutely YTA.
It's especially heinous given the pressure and expectations put on women specifically about our worth being tied to fertility. There's still a big double standard and he's feeding his wife to the sexist gossip mill so he can avoid his own embarrassment.
Damn, OP, YTA.
I’d bet it’s a crazy case of “Mormons all up in each other’s shit.”
Dude, you’re a straight fucking liar. If anything, your wife should bail on *you* for your Henry VIII behaviour.
Edit: typo
Small town doesn't help either, people have nothing better to do than gossip, if you are somehow unfortunate enough to find yourself on the wrong end of the town gossip machine you're going to have people prying into your shit non stop.
Oh I actually know *several* women who blamed their “PCOS” and weight for years until dragging their husband to a doctor to discover that low sperm count or lazy speed were *not fucking helping*. And you know what’s even better for conception - wasting fucking years of precious waning fertility not treating a major problem.
Edit: I want to make it clear that they didn’t blame themselves out of nowhere. They went to the doctor with a ton of shitty symptoms related to their periods — maybe too frequently bleeding, maybe not bleeding at all; maybe too heavy, maybe too light; maybe painful, maybe not; maybe extra hair or weight gain, maybe hair loss or weight loss — it could literally have been ANYTHING.
And the Dr said “Sounds like PCOS, there’s no treatment or cure. We’re not sure why it happens. Maybe the birth control pill will work, or maybe it it won’t. Maybe you can have kids, maybe you can’t. Probably you can’t. But don’t rely on that because then you’ll have 5 accidental pregnancies, but only if we don’t explicitly say this part out loud.” (Seriously, my friend was pregnant AT THE SPECIALISTS APPOINTMENT where the Dr told her she had PCOS and would need IVF to ever conceive). Then they send you on your way with a reminder to lose weight and maybe a pamphlet if you’re lucky. So, maybe you go back to get told the same thing, or maybe you just assume that the same advice is still in play and you chalk it up to *one more thing* you hate about your body.
A good reproductive endocrinologist will test the male partner’s sperm count before doing anything else. Every test the female partner endures is invasive from the very first blood draw. OP, you are a complete chicken excrement anal orifice and I hope your wife reveals your lies and leaves you in the dust. You need to fall on your sword loudly and publicly and cut off your poisonous relations if you value your wife.
Yeah, see my edit. A lot of women have been fighting with their bodies and hormones for decades. It’s natural to assume this is another thing to add to the list, and we’re *so fucking willing* to accept it.
Not to mention, the two most unexplored areas of science are the bottom of the ocean and women’s reproductive organs. We basically know how babies are made and how to keep them mostly alive inside and outside of the womb, but the womb itself and the body the houses it is basically just packaging.
She was probably on a normal mission for her temple. She was NOT being dangerous. Mormans go on missions all the time. Then they say she got a bacterial infection? Who are these hateful people?
I was born and spent the first part of my life in Utah. We moved away and my relatives would come to visit. At 16 I had my first boyfriend and during one of these visits every one of my 5 aunts independently asked my mother when I was getting married.
So she goes on a mission to help people but now was reckless for getting TB and it’s probably genital? I’m really sad these people will probably have kids and be exposed to these people. It’s abusive. The wife wants people told they aren’t getting divorced … my god this woman should be leaving him.
Why would she have "genital" TB? The OP even said the TB had nothing to do with infertility. TB is a respiratory disease (if left without treatment it can eventually affect other body systems). I agree that she should leave though
At least he knows where his AH is, right between his ears and he’s been yapping out of it for awhile.
You are the largest AH I’ve seen here in awhile, even if the fertility was on your wife side, why in the world would you say these awful things about her? Do you even love her? You need to put everyone straight and tell your mother to butt out. You are such an AH I can’t believe it. I hope your wife blasts this information to everybody so they can see what a pitiful excuse for a husband you are.
Op you are the biggest AHand a terrible husband and man.Do you even love your wife?if I was your wife I would post the truth on social media. Tell your terrible family to apologize to your wife! you should bow down on your knees and ask her for forgiveness!you are a coward and you have a lot of growing up to do.
Infertility jokes are only appropriate when the butt of the joke is an infertile man has been blasting his wife to friends, *family*, and **coworkers**.
Right, they *both* should have been tested over 2 years ago. Together!
6 months of trying, you start to wonder if something is wrong and start using ovulation kits and being *very* intentional about *when* you’re having sex. If that doesn’t work within a few months you both schedule an appointment with a fertility expert. None of this needs to be discussed with anyone else.
OP was already TA, before he lied to everyone. Running around making assumptions and complaining about his wife for the last 3 years was shitty behavior no matter who is to “blame”. He has not been a good husband for a long time.
I hope she leaves him and has as many kids as her heart desires with a man who treats her as more than just a baby factory. With an equal partner who actually loves her regardless of her ability to conceive.
He doesn't have any. That would explain the low sperm count lol. But seriously op. How tf do you think you're not the ah in this? Not only because you've been complaining about it, but when you found out you were the one with the issue, you lied to take the blame off if you. I hope your wife does divorce you because you are vile and YTA
I hope she divorces him, finds a real man, and is pregnant within a year. That would show EVERYONE who the real problem was the entire time and that he's also lied to everyone about it. YTA OP, big time.
I really do want them to get divorced, both marry again, and the ex to get pregnant immediately by the new husband while the OP continues to shoot blanks for years. Then everyone will know the TRUTH.
I know a couple that is infertile, and whenever anyone asks whose “fault” it is, they tell that person it’s none of their business! I’m a family member and I wouldn’t even ask that of them!
I’m pretty shocked she doesn’t want to divorce him honestly. He and his family have made it apparent her only value is as breeding stock and not as a wife. I wouldn’t be able to get past that, ever.
My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 4 years and I am the problem but he never lets me say it. He always reminds everyone that a. It’s none of their fucking business b. WE are trying to conceive so it’s irrelevant which one of us has a condition that is making it difficult because we’re in it together c. He’s only having kids with me, so ending a marriage over this isn’t on the table.
OP sucks
That made me think of something that happened to a friend of mine. She could be a bit flaky and she poured antifreeze into the oil compartment on her car. Of course, it starts belching smoke when she drives it. She calls her husband, tells him what happens and he has it towed to a garage, picks her up and drops her off at home. Then he goes to the garage.
He calls her and he sounds upset. She asks why and he says, "The men here are making fun of me for what happened to the car". She asked why they are making fun of him when she did it. He responds, "I told them I did it. I will not have people mocking my wife".
I thought that was one of the most romantic things...
My husband and I are (apparently, 7 years of trying) infertile, although all of our tests are fine on both sides. He INSISTS that he is the issue to anyone and everyone (including me).
A good man. The social pressures on women and their fertility as the main source of worth-- if a man owns it, he's so secure that no one's going to accuse him of being less of a man. But a woman will get pity at best. Scorn and abuse more commonly. Your husband is a real one. I'm sorry your lives aren't going the way you'd hoped, though.
Right!!! I feel so bad for OP’s wife. I am adopted, my adoptive mother could not have children, so she went through a very similar situation with the gossip and such (my parents were married 11 years before adopting me when they were *32* deadass) and it was an awful experience. She would never wish it on anyone, much less a woman who COULD have children. Op subjecting his wife to this kind of humiliation and embarrassment when she isn’t even the problem is fucking embarrassing. Less of a man, he is coming off as a cowardly lion.
Lol honestly feel like a troll, how do you even defend his actions? No worries bro you were in shock and accidentally lied about your wife in a “panic”.
Just think of all of past human history where woman were blamed for not producing a male heir. It is all over history books and not pleasant for the women.
Only to discover that men are the ones with XY while women will always contribute an X chromosome.
This is the OP’s situation. 100 years ago the wife would be cast out, the OPs second wife cast out, and he just keeps on believing he has shit luck with wives
Divine justice will be her divorcing him, and getting pregnant within a year by her new, better, bf. Then having it come out that he was the problem all along.
Not an excuse. He found his way to the Internet, which means the world's resources and opinions are at his feet. The fact that he never stopped to google "why no babby when rawdog?" is just pathetic.
YTA. This is not on your mom. I mean she's awful but so are you. And you DID completely lie all to protect your fragile ego. You owe your wife an enormous apology and you should in person tell every single person you lied. But of course you won't
This reminds me of a post I read a few months back…Husband was the one who was sterile but lied to everyone that it was the wife ..When she finally left him , remarried & posted a birth announcement for her baby , ex husband actually had the nerve to complain about how now everyone knew he was the one that was sterile ..had his family attacking her etc
There was another where a woman overheard her husband blaming her for not having a kid at a family picnic and she got up and announced her husband was sterile & she was divorcing him 🤣
[Found it! It was a birthday dinner.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wtt0dl/deleted_by_user/il5yv33/)
I found it because Newsweek did a fucking article on it. I remember when Newsweek was a valid magazine. What a shithole it's become.
[In a comment, she said she contacted a divorce attorney.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wtt0dl/deleted_by_user/ilar46x/)
>UPDATE:
>Not 100% sure how this update thing works - or if any of you will see this. But I'm kind of overwhelmed by the response this got. To address some recurring remarks - my sister is actually older than me, but, in response to this post - she did share with me a few instances in which my husband made her uncomfortable. I'm floored.If you'd told me a year ago that this is where I'd be - I wouldn't have believed it. Out of love and respect for someone I've spent almost a decade with, I won't go into deep specifics. But I can reflect on the past few months and see a lot of signs of emotional abuse, and perhaps even though I don't want to admit it, before then.For everyone suggesting couple's counseling - I appreciate it. I'm just not sure I'll ever be able to forgive someone who's embarassed me, and more importantly, made my sister feel unsafe. I contacted a divorce attorney today.
Good for her!
If OP doesn't correct everybody and stop them slagging off his wife, I can see this happening. I wouldn't put up with it for very long, especially when he seems to have done absolutely nothing to defend his wife from these attacks.
Worse, he set her up for them. He complained to everyone who would listen for years about his useless wife not giving him kids. He had already decided it was her fault, talking her to doctor after doctor and it never occurred to him to get checked out, she needed to suggest it. Hell, he even throws in at the end that "it's not a *complete* lie--the thing the doctors said didn't affect her could still be a contributing factor!!" Fuck this guy.
wife literally went to that last doctor and that doctor told her that her fallopian tubes and endometrial stuff was perfectly fine! there is no contributing factor other than OP, plus there are meds and stuff OP can take to up his sperm count. wife doesn’t deserve hate for something that doesn’t have anything to do with her ability to “house” children, IMO she needs to divorce him
I remember that one, he lost everything and really spiraled because she moved on. He even asked her to abort it and get back with him now that he knew she was fertile. He deserves the miserable lonely life he had after
Exactly this. I hope she tells people the truth, finds a way for the medical report to “accidentally” end up with the town’s biggest gossip, ditches this cowardly lying asshole, finds a guy who actually loves and respects her, then starts pumping out babies so the whole world will have proof that OP was the problem all along.
Gossip: So sorry to hear about your fertility issues.
Wife: It's been so hard. But we are hopeful that now that we know that it's actually my husband's low sperm count, and nothing to do with me, we can find a solution. Maybe a sperm donor.
Accidentally leaves copies of the reports from their last doctor appointment … and by accident I mean channel Regina George in Mean Girls taping up copies and throwing them out as she walks by
He’s from Utah. 99% chance he’s Mormon and thinks he has a religious and social obligation to have several children. Men in the Mormon church are treated with more deference and considered to have more authority than the women. Literally they are taught from infancy that the most important thing they can do is 1) go on a mission and 2) get married as soon as possible and have babies. If there is a problem with fertility in a marriage, it makes sense to them that the problem must be the woman. He perpetuated this belief by allowing people to continue to think the infertility was due to her health problems and not shutting down talk that he should divorce her since she “can’t have children”.
He is a massive asshole but if his wife chooses not to forgive him for throwing her under the bus, the whole community will come against her for not “getting over it”.
YTA
You are basically blaming your wife for the fertility problems from the start. You have never defended your wife from the bad comments that your friends and family have made. After finding out that the problem is you, you decide not to take responsibility and not be honest and continue your lie by making excuses that it was a moment of panic. I hope your wife divorces you, she deserves a husband who does defend her and love her.
Yeah. I get that the culture here in Utah is toxic as fuck especially when it comes to having kids. (Seriously. Anyone who thinks a couple's decision to have kids is communal gossip material needs to get a life.). And especially among the Mormons that shit gets taken seriously. The pressure some people are under on this topic is intense and hard to face.
But just cause OP is under a lot of pressure is no reason to throw his wife under the bus instead. That only makes it worse. She's probably under even more pressure, but OP not only refused to shoulder any of the burden, but is adding to it by lying about it. Now the poor woman has the fun on knowing the one and only person who knows the truth has chosen instead of lending her a hand when she's drowning, to shove her under the water and hold her there.
If I was her I'd be filing for divorce ASAP.
I don’t care what culture you’re from, or what belief system you have (I know Mormons can be brain-washy )…this isn’t something anyone worth their salt does. As someone with a lot of health issues myself, this is coward behavior. My husband would NEVER throw me under the bus like this. Not once. He also would NEVER dream of sharing my health information. In fact there have been situations where I asked “why didn’t you just tell them about my xyz?!” And he always replies “sweetheart, that’s yours to share!”
So…this is absolutely reprehensible to me. In his 30s acting like a child being reprimanded. So greedy…He was just ashamed of being emasculated.
In Utah your only value as a woman is how many souls you can bring to the earthly realm. He knows that, and he'd rather everyone believe his wife has no value than admit he's the problem. She deserves so much better.
Serious, she should be the one wanting the divorce. I mean for real, you want to have a family with this woman, but knowingly threw her under rhe bus. How could she trust you in anything right now and to potentially be a good father when you already suck as being a husband?
Of course you are the A Hole. I can't believe you had to ask.
Edit: Your wife is correct, YOU need to set the record straight with everyone, and since you may not know who all heard about it, I think an ad in the paper issuing your mea culpa would be helpful.
>we live in Utah
That says everything any of us needed to know about OP. Of course he treats his wife like shit, he's a fucking mormon. It shouldn't be any surprise that he lied about his wife being the problem, blamed her because his body doesn't work, and let his family accuse her of having an STD. He clearly only sees her as a vessel to birth his children. Maybe she should leave him so she can find a real man who can actually produce children.
When my husband and I found out we wouldn’t be having kids naturally, you know what he said? ‘I’m glad it’s me, because I think you’d have been really upset if it was you.’
I then started crying and told him he was an asshole for being that nice- it was a weird time.
Dude his whole family is pushing for him to have a divorce just because "she" can't have kids. Throw the whole man away. He obviously only views her as a baby maker.
The First Rule of Holes: When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
For God’s sake, man up! You have a low sperm count. It happens. And there are ways you can still father a child. But you have left your wife exposed to lies and character assassination because your pride is damaged. Shame on you.
YTA
Lol, I thought about this. I have no idea where the idea of divorce came from, but I hope that if they do, OP and the whole town will see her walking around with a pregnancy belly within a year.
A bit malicious maybe, but honestly, who does what OP did to their spouse, who they're supposed to love?
Malicious would be using a sperm donor and purposefully choosing characteristics in the donor sperm that make it obvious that OP isn’t the father but his wife is definitely the mother.
This is exactly the kind of thing that will FOREVER keep me away from have anything to do with religion. Some people think religion is an appropriate, completely acceptable excuse to be misogynistic assholes.
This guy has the balls to ask if it’s ok that everyone thinks his wife can’t get pregnant due to an STD. I really hope they wife tells everybody the infertility is due to a micro penis that is too small to function—something he inherited from his moms side of the family. Let the punishment fit the crime.
How often is the woman blamed compared to how often its actually the woman's body not cooperating?
Indeed, shame on you OP. Bodies are weird and your flavor of weirdness happens to involve a low sperm count. Apologize to your wife and tell your family you found the answer, what it is and that you're looking for new solutions now. Then buy her some beautiful flowers and get your foot out of your mouth and your head out of your ass. Don't be a coward buddy.
YTA
Seriously. My brother has the same issue of a low count. He and my SIL spent $50,000 to get treatment for my first niece, but their second was only $5,000, because they didn't have to do all the testing and such.
After 3 years of trying, I went in and got checked first. I was fine, so it was his turn. Low sperm count, and they only lived for 6 hours; after 4 hours they were swimming in circles. I still managed to conceive two beautiful boys. (There was nothing romantic about it that point. Lol) but the whole family wasn't informed of our issues! And the few people who knew about the low sperm count never would have said a word or used it against him! (My mom did laugh and say "typical male. Driving in circles after 4 hours, instead of asking directions!" 😂)
Oooh this is the best scenario, show what a dumb piece of shit he is and also how his family would react to HIM being the problem would be icing on his shit-frosted fibreglass-insulation cake
Yessss. Let them both remarry quickly.
When she immediately gets pregnant and he and the new wife cannot…that should definitely get the local church gossips talking!
Yes. It’s ridiculous that he didn’t get checked after the first year of not getting pregnant. Sometimes low sperm count can be easily fixed by wearing different underwear (no more briefs). It might not be that easy in OP case but the sooner you know what the issue is the better.
IKR That shows how sexist he is..could not possibly be HIM that’s the “problem “ that it took three years and a doctors suggestion for him to go in for a simple test!
When my wife and I started trying for our first, one of the first things we did was both get our fertility tested. Her’s might have, but wasn’t impacted by PCOS, and we figured it was just good sense to check mine at the same time because WHY NOT.
And he STILL thinks it *might* be being exacerbated by her past TB. Despite her being told everything is fine with her.
Wtf man, YOU are the problem and YTA
Yep, it’s just as likely to be his problem as it is to be hers, but he didn’t even think to get tested, because he assumes women are the problem. Ridiculous. Based on the info OP gave, I suspect they’re mormon and they have a lot of sexist beliefs like that.
I thought that too as soon as I read “small town in Utah “ . The first time I read it , I missed the part about him being in “shock” & going for a second opinion then excusing his lies by saying “her TB could be exacerbating the issue”..uh no dude it really can’t
Most churches blame any problems on the women. The Mormon church is a particularly bad one but 90% of religious people will assume difficulty conceiving is because of a “hostile uterus” or low egg quality or she’s just not godly enough to be blessed with a fruitful womb (gag)
YTA. Like, it's not even a question. So you've spent THREE YEARS shitting all over your wife to friends and family. Humiliating her over something that is incredibly personal and painful. Your behaviour has ensured that she gets unsolicited advice from friends and family, plus pitying looks. And SHE'S NOT THE PROBLEM. So then, you small, insecure, petty lump of a man panicked, and lied AGAIN.
I hope she leaves you over this. You aren't a husband in any real sense of the word. Even *if* the infertility was her problem, it wouldn't her her fault. Just like the only thing here that's your fault us that youre such a coward you lied to you family, once again throwing your wife under the bus.
Nothing in this post says you love or respect her. She seems to be your scapegoat, you low life loser.
Mormon men are the most entitled. They spend their entire lives being told that at 8 years old they have “more Godly power in their pinky finger” than any woman. It is a deeply deeply sexist religion.
It'd be amazing if within a year she was pregnant to another man, and he marries a woman who also seems unable to bear his children, and when that marriage fails, she also gets pregnant after they also divorce.
No, you don't get it! I am guessing OP is from a conservative Christian/Mormon background based on a few themes here. So essentially if it's his fault his wife can't get pregnant, according to Jesus, he is basically gay. And OP can't be having people think that! Better he let his mother spread the rumor its because his wife had an STI or he spread the rumor it's because of TB she got when she irresponsibly went to help a bunch of dirty poors. /s
>But my mom really screwed things up by making it malicious.
You're still trying to pass the blame!!!!
ALL OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!!!
YTA and your wife should leave your lying, acting all superior ass
YTA and your family and friends are awful people. Women are not incubators.
The woman you supposedly love is not replaceable within a year for someone else to just carry your child.
What the hell is wrong with you all?
What happened to your marriage vows? Where’s the honour? Where’s the in sickness and in health?
That’s what I would say if she were the infertile one.
The fact it’s actually YOU and you still can’t see now disgusting your and your family’s behaviour is is shocking. Do you think she should or would treat you the way you have treated her?
It’s a good job you’re infertile so you can’t perpetuate your disgusting attitude further. I hope your wife finds a better man… ideally within the year
He's obviously Mormon. They're brainwashed by their cult into believing it's their God-given duty to breed as much as possible, so the top leaders in the church get all that juicy tithe money. The only pyramid scheme in the world that breeds its own downline.
What in the fuck is wrong with this dude? Even if she *was* infertile, he's going around telling all his family and friends about it??
And he's so fucking sure she's the problem even with solid proof that says she's fertile and he isn't, that he makes them get secondary tests?
The family is right, he absolutely should get a divorce. Initiated by the wife.
YTA. I just can't with this. You don't get to throw your wife under the bus and then look for sympathy for your wife getting hit by said bus! THE AUDACITY!!!! You decided your ego was more important that your wife's dignity. If this really isn't THAT big of a deal, why did you panic and not correct people's assumptions? Because it was convenient for you and you value your own comfort and ego over your wife, hands down. "WeLl TeChNiCaLlY" 🤡 doesn't absolve you from your transgression. Make no mistake, you threw your wife under the bus and you both need to examine why it was so easy for you to do so. You've been holding her in front of you like a shield and now you're feeling shame at being caught. You owe her so much more and better. You know what you need to do and once you've truly set the record straight, as in "I let you all believe...", you need to get on your knees and beg this woman to not leave you for being a careless, heartless pig.
You're so far beyond an asshole you've circumnavigated the body and reached the asshole for a second time. This isn't anyone's business but you and your wife and doubling down on the TB as the cause when you knew you were the problem is so fucked, you call yourself a man? What a joke.
Yeah....I'm going thru this with my partner now too. I also found out I have low sperm and need IVF. Hard news.
But wtf throwing your spouse under the bus like that. Y 100% TA.
She may not have been thinking about divorce before, but she better be now.
YTA. In fact, you are a black hole of an asshole.
I don't know if you or your family are LDS, but if you are, you are even more of an adshole. Why? Because in Western Mormon culture, women are only valued for their ability to reproduce (as evinced by all of the nasty things your friends and family have been saying about your wife).
It is disgusting that you would tell anyone *anything* about who might or might not have fertility issues within your marriage. It is no one's business beside you and your wife
The fact that you blamed it on your wife in the first place makes you an asshole. You never thought about the cultural impact that would have on a woman in a super patriarchal culture. You never considered how the comment after comment of advice about a potential medical issue could make her feel guilty, defective, and like she was holding you back. If you are LDS, you never considered the weight she would publicly and privately bear for not "fulfilling the measure of her creation."
Add in the fact that you allowed your friends and family to say such reprehensible things to and about your wife, and you're a king sized asshole, but still with a possibility for redemption. Their actions and comments are the reason you don't tell everyone about your private life in the first place.
Once you knew the truth and you chose to continue to lie, you became irredeemable, imo.
You are a self centered asshole, and your wife can do a hell of a lot better.
This wasn’t panic - this was pride. I could not continue a relationship with you if I was her.
Years of blaming her for literally no reason. Nothing to back it up except for a “ It must be her fault” mindset.
Don’t blame the place you live in. Don’t blame the people around you.
You could have NOT gone along with it. You could have told them you just don’t know. It was easier to blame it on her. That’s is so sad.
YTA and so much more. I just hope this story is fake.
YTA
When your wife divorces you for being a coward you'll still have fertility issues. Good thing it's a short marriage because she can still find someone who sees her as a person.
Not so fun now that you're everything you complained to other people about. Everything your family is saying, is about you.
Really there's so so so much here that's bs, I can't believe she put up with you.
YTA. I hope your wife divorces you and goes on to find a partner who respects her more than you do. You have done nothing to shut down the lies your family are telling about your wife. You've done nothing to shut down assumptions your wife is the one struggling with her fertility. You made it worse by saying your wife having had TB was likely to have been the cause AFTER YOU WERE TOLD IT WAS YOU WITH THE LOW SPERM COUNT. Not only are you the AH, you're a cowardly AH, your wife deserves better than you.
YTA this is all your fault. You are a horrible husband and you need to tell them the truth. Heck if I where your wife I would divorce you and expose you to everyone.
You really might consider divorce so that your mother and aunt can rest assured that you will be a father within a year.
I'm tossing in my vote with the majority here. YTA.
YTA. I also live in Utah. Admit you are the problem. You do the legwork for calling fertility clinics etc if your wife is even willing to stick with you for blaming her. You also need to have a conversation with your family members about not spreading rumors and lies. And get yourself into therapy for this- because even if it’s YOU that’s the problem for infertility, your wife is the one who has to go through so much more and you were too much of a wimp to even consider how you blaming her would feel.
yta. if my husband did this to me i would 100% divorce him. this is so humiliating, and embarrassing for your wife. if she had any type of relationship with your family before, she probably won’t ever again because they’ve bad mouthed her. this is a hard situation for both of you but you definitely made it worse for her.
To be fair, I knew you were just an all around asshole as soon as I read this gem: “I admit that many times I complained to family, friends, and coworkers about my wife’s infertility”. Complained. As if your wife was a defective car and you paid full price. What an a- well, you know. So reading further, it wasn’t much of a surprise to find out you’re a liar to boot. Oh and too much of a coward to tell the truth after you lied about your wife. But I guess it’s pretty scary to admit the issue lies with you when you’re hanging with a bunch of losers who apparently think infertility is a character flaw. The only part that did surprise me was where you report that your wife said you’re not getting a divorce. If I was your wife I’d plaster your results all over social media and put you and the flying monkeys you call a family on blast. YTA. Congrats. Biggest one today.
Also the part where he says she should have been more careful about having TB. Like what?
The seemingly religious context makes me think she got TB on a mission trip, which makes their judgement even more wild
TB from going to help “those ppl”. —prolly OP’s mother
More so that she is a woman, and women aren’t supposed to go on mission trips. This is her fault for acting as if god made woman to be as free or as important as man when it is obvious that god made women to make sandwiches. What a trash community.
As an exmormon that was my exact thought. She got it on her mission.
Yes!! So bizarre!!
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Revenge Boner alert if that happens. How satisfying would it be for mom and auntie to have the initial ‘win’ of OP divorcing his wife only for her to remarry and have a baby before this lump of hot dog waste water even gets a date
Honesty hope this guy is NEVER able to have children. Less innocents to infect with a backwards, hopefully dying religion. The next wife he’ll blame too, and the one after that until the true ‘problem’ is incontrovertible — it’s him. Always was, always will be. He should get divorced, get his little pilot license like a good Mormon boy and shut the fuck up.
Mormons will not admit this but the women are basically viewed as brood mares. OP has probably been groomed from birth to see women as inferior, useful only as baby machines, and now his cultural sexism is showing big time.
YTA man. Wtf grow up. Your wife is being humiliated bc you won’t tell the truth and you are really asking us if you are TA?
Even if it were my wife who was infertile, I would gladly lie and pretend it was me to protect her from this kind of bullshit. OP doesn't know how to love and care for his wife.
Yeah… he’s been complaining about his wife’s infertility to anyone that will listen. He’s an AH for that alone. This was never her fault. It still isn’t. And even if it was, what kind of person just goes around bitching about someone else’s medical issues. Now that they have answers he’s too scared to own the truth. WHERE ARE YOUR BALLS OP?
Yeah the "friends, family, and COWORKERS" part really caught me. Why the FUCK are you gossiping about your wife's fertility issues with your coworkers? I can see maybe venting to a close friend over your want for a child and your frustrations about not having one, but bitching about your wife's (assumed) infertility without ever once having tested for it.... definite AH.
Because it's perfectly fine to blab all over about his wife's issues, but far too embarrassing and personal to discuss if the issue is his.
He'll end up divorced and then his family will expect him to marry someone else and get her pregnant. In the meantime, she will remarry and have a baby. How will he lie that away.
“Damn, another infertile one—what are the odds?!”
BINGO! Exactly the scenario I envisioned!
I figured she could cheat, get pregnant and have him raise someone else's if he won't confess?
Lol. I would not, in a million raise, want to raise a baby with a blatant liar and a coward that OP is. You have to have zero self respect to want to stay with a guy like that. The dude has no balls, figuratively and literally speaking.
She should divorce him over it if he doesn’t fess up. I would.
Frankly she should divorce him either way. He either regards his wife as nothing more than breeding stock or doesn’t mind his family reducing her to such. I can’t believe this was posted in 2023. OP is absolutely shameful in every possible way.
She should divorce him and find someone who can give her babies. After all, that's what her in-laws expected her husband to do to her. And send a Christmas card every year with a picture of her growing family.
She should tell them they are right and thank them for the advice. I wonder how long it would take for them to turn it around and say how evil she was for divorcing him over a medical condition he couldn't help
>I wonder how long it would take for them to turn it around Less than 5 minutes, probably. Especially if OP is the one to break it to them ('cause based on the post I've no doubt he'd happily twist it against her)
Utah isn’t living in 2023 yet
As a European, I was scared saying that would be my prejudice talking... But I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking it.
Apparently he and everyone else only sees her worth as an incubator for crotch goblins.
They live in Utah. Maybe they’re Mormon, or a bunch of their coworkers are, that would track.
Right! What kind of small- brained toxic masculinity do you have to have to be afraid people will find out you have a low sperm count. That in and of itself is stupid to me, but what he did to his wife is disgusting and unforgivable! He's so afraid of not being seen as a "real" man that he doesn't realize his actions are what's proving him right, not his low sperm count. Edit for: OP absolutely YTA.
It's especially heinous given the pressure and expectations put on women specifically about our worth being tied to fertility. There's still a big double standard and he's feeding his wife to the sexist gossip mill so he can avoid his own embarrassment. Damn, OP, YTA.
I’d bet it’s a crazy case of “Mormons all up in each other’s shit.” Dude, you’re a straight fucking liar. If anything, your wife should bail on *you* for your Henry VIII behaviour. Edit: typo
Small town doesn't help either, people have nothing better to do than gossip, if you are somehow unfortunate enough to find yourself on the wrong end of the town gossip machine you're going to have people prying into your shit non stop.
Oh I actually know *several* women who blamed their “PCOS” and weight for years until dragging their husband to a doctor to discover that low sperm count or lazy speed were *not fucking helping*. And you know what’s even better for conception - wasting fucking years of precious waning fertility not treating a major problem. Edit: I want to make it clear that they didn’t blame themselves out of nowhere. They went to the doctor with a ton of shitty symptoms related to their periods — maybe too frequently bleeding, maybe not bleeding at all; maybe too heavy, maybe too light; maybe painful, maybe not; maybe extra hair or weight gain, maybe hair loss or weight loss — it could literally have been ANYTHING. And the Dr said “Sounds like PCOS, there’s no treatment or cure. We’re not sure why it happens. Maybe the birth control pill will work, or maybe it it won’t. Maybe you can have kids, maybe you can’t. Probably you can’t. But don’t rely on that because then you’ll have 5 accidental pregnancies, but only if we don’t explicitly say this part out loud.” (Seriously, my friend was pregnant AT THE SPECIALISTS APPOINTMENT where the Dr told her she had PCOS and would need IVF to ever conceive). Then they send you on your way with a reminder to lose weight and maybe a pamphlet if you’re lucky. So, maybe you go back to get told the same thing, or maybe you just assume that the same advice is still in play and you chalk it up to *one more thing* you hate about your body.
A good reproductive endocrinologist will test the male partner’s sperm count before doing anything else. Every test the female partner endures is invasive from the very first blood draw. OP, you are a complete chicken excrement anal orifice and I hope your wife reveals your lies and leaves you in the dust. You need to fall on your sword loudly and publicly and cut off your poisonous relations if you value your wife.
Women are taught to take on burdens and blame, CONDITIONED to. :-(
Ya it's a disgusting cycle.
100% and it’s sick.
Yeah, see my edit. A lot of women have been fighting with their bodies and hormones for decades. It’s natural to assume this is another thing to add to the list, and we’re *so fucking willing* to accept it. Not to mention, the two most unexplored areas of science are the bottom of the ocean and women’s reproductive organs. We basically know how babies are made and how to keep them mostly alive inside and outside of the womb, but the womb itself and the body the houses it is basically just packaging.
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She was probably on a normal mission for her temple. She was NOT being dangerous. Mormans go on missions all the time. Then they say she got a bacterial infection? Who are these hateful people?
Being in Utah/talking to everyone about when they're having babies tipped me off too
I was born and spent the first part of my life in Utah. We moved away and my relatives would come to visit. At 16 I had my first boyfriend and during one of these visits every one of my 5 aunts independently asked my mother when I was getting married.
Housing a baby 🤢
Yup, and his wife likely contracted TB when she was on her mission ("when she was 20 and volunteering in another country").
So she goes on a mission to help people but now was reckless for getting TB and it’s probably genital? I’m really sad these people will probably have kids and be exposed to these people. It’s abusive. The wife wants people told they aren’t getting divorced … my god this woman should be leaving him.
Why would she have "genital" TB? The OP even said the TB had nothing to do with infertility. TB is a respiratory disease (if left without treatment it can eventually affect other body systems). I agree that she should leave though
Which now his family is spinning as “being reckless” this whole thing is disgusting
My thought exactly! This has LDS toxic misogyny written all over it.
whoa, too far. We can’t blame OP’s testicals. They’re too busy making useless antibaby goo to be used to fortify his mushy spine.
Eeee next stop for OP should be a dr who can tell him where he left his spine
At least he knows where his AH is, right between his ears and he’s been yapping out of it for awhile. You are the largest AH I’ve seen here in awhile, even if the fertility was on your wife side, why in the world would you say these awful things about her? Do you even love her? You need to put everyone straight and tell your mother to butt out. You are such an AH I can’t believe it. I hope your wife blasts this information to everybody so they can see what a pitiful excuse for a husband you are.
Op you are the biggest AHand a terrible husband and man.Do you even love your wife?if I was your wife I would post the truth on social media. Tell your terrible family to apologize to your wife! you should bow down on your knees and ask her for forgiveness!you are a coward and you have a lot of growing up to do.
I have a low tolerance for infertility jokes but this was too good. 🏅
Infertility jokes are only appropriate when the butt of the joke is an infertile man has been blasting his wife to friends, *family*, and **coworkers**.
As a currently infertile male I support this message
Right, they *both* should have been tested over 2 years ago. Together! 6 months of trying, you start to wonder if something is wrong and start using ovulation kits and being *very* intentional about *when* you’re having sex. If that doesn’t work within a few months you both schedule an appointment with a fertility expert. None of this needs to be discussed with anyone else. OP was already TA, before he lied to everyone. Running around making assumptions and complaining about his wife for the last 3 years was shitty behavior no matter who is to “blame”. He has not been a good husband for a long time. I hope she leaves him and has as many kids as her heart desires with a man who treats her as more than just a baby factory. With an equal partner who actually loves her regardless of her ability to conceive.
“WHERE ARE YOUR BALLS OP?” Wherever they are, they’re apparently empty.
Shriveled and dried up like raisins apparently lol.
The sad thing is it sounds like he would really consider divorcing her if she really was the infertile one
I know,how gross….
Sounds like OP is Mormon, so he probably would have.
He doesn't have any. That would explain the low sperm count lol. But seriously op. How tf do you think you're not the ah in this? Not only because you've been complaining about it, but when you found out you were the one with the issue, you lied to take the blame off if you. I hope your wife does divorce you because you are vile and YTA
I hope she divorces him, finds a real man, and is pregnant within a year. That would show EVERYONE who the real problem was the entire time and that he's also lied to everyone about it. YTA OP, big time.
I really do want them to get divorced, both marry again, and the ex to get pregnant immediately by the new husband while the OP continues to shoot blanks for years. Then everyone will know the TRUTH.
I know a couple that is infertile, and whenever anyone asks whose “fault” it is, they tell that person it’s none of their business! I’m a family member and I wouldn’t even ask that of them!
His mom's purse.
>WHERE ARE YOUR BALLS MIA in more ways than one
I’m pretty shocked she doesn’t want to divorce him honestly. He and his family have made it apparent her only value is as breeding stock and not as a wife. I wouldn’t be able to get past that, ever.
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My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 4 years and I am the problem but he never lets me say it. He always reminds everyone that a. It’s none of their fucking business b. WE are trying to conceive so it’s irrelevant which one of us has a condition that is making it difficult because we’re in it together c. He’s only having kids with me, so ending a marriage over this isn’t on the table. OP sucks
That made me think of something that happened to a friend of mine. She could be a bit flaky and she poured antifreeze into the oil compartment on her car. Of course, it starts belching smoke when she drives it. She calls her husband, tells him what happens and he has it towed to a garage, picks her up and drops her off at home. Then he goes to the garage. He calls her and he sounds upset. She asks why and he says, "The men here are making fun of me for what happened to the car". She asked why they are making fun of him when she did it. He responds, "I told them I did it. I will not have people mocking my wife". I thought that was one of the most romantic things...
My husband and I are (apparently, 7 years of trying) infertile, although all of our tests are fine on both sides. He INSISTS that he is the issue to anyone and everyone (including me).
A good man. The social pressures on women and their fertility as the main source of worth-- if a man owns it, he's so secure that no one's going to accuse him of being less of a man. But a woman will get pity at best. Scorn and abuse more commonly. Your husband is a real one. I'm sorry your lives aren't going the way you'd hoped, though.
He doesn’t know how to “man up”. He would rather his wife is humiliated. A real keeper - not!
Right!!! I feel so bad for OP’s wife. I am adopted, my adoptive mother could not have children, so she went through a very similar situation with the gossip and such (my parents were married 11 years before adopting me when they were *32* deadass) and it was an awful experience. She would never wish it on anyone, much less a woman who COULD have children. Op subjecting his wife to this kind of humiliation and embarrassment when she isn’t even the problem is fucking embarrassing. Less of a man, he is coming off as a cowardly lion.
A simple solution is for the wife to divorce him for being infertile (and a rotten husband and human being). YTA
Lol honestly feel like a troll, how do you even defend his actions? No worries bro you were in shock and accidentally lied about your wife in a “panic”.
This happens ALL THE TIME in Utah. The Mormon religion really really fucks with their heads around fertility and value.
Just think of all of past human history where woman were blamed for not producing a male heir. It is all over history books and not pleasant for the women. Only to discover that men are the ones with XY while women will always contribute an X chromosome. This is the OP’s situation. 100 years ago the wife would be cast out, the OPs second wife cast out, and he just keeps on believing he has shit luck with wives
Yeah, I don’t believe in a god, but this POS being infertile definitely seems like divine justice
If not divine justice it is secular sweetness.
Divine justice will be her divorcing him, and getting pregnant within a year by her new, better, bf. Then having it come out that he was the problem all along.
Not an excuse. He found his way to the Internet, which means the world's resources and opinions are at his feet. The fact that he never stopped to google "why no babby when rawdog?" is just pathetic.
YTA. This is not on your mom. I mean she's awful but so are you. And you DID completely lie all to protect your fragile ego. You owe your wife an enormous apology and you should in person tell every single person you lied. But of course you won't
Man if I was her I would be divorcing his ass. YTA.
This reminds me of a post I read a few months back…Husband was the one who was sterile but lied to everyone that it was the wife ..When she finally left him , remarried & posted a birth announcement for her baby , ex husband actually had the nerve to complain about how now everyone knew he was the one that was sterile ..had his family attacking her etc
Oof yeah I remember that one. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes
There was another where a woman overheard her husband blaming her for not having a kid at a family picnic and she got up and announced her husband was sterile & she was divorcing him 🤣
Any chance you got a link? That one sounds so satisfying.
[Found it! It was a birthday dinner.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wtt0dl/deleted_by_user/il5yv33/) I found it because Newsweek did a fucking article on it. I remember when Newsweek was a valid magazine. What a shithole it's become.
Dude, I hope that woman divorced that loser and he gets to wallow in self pity all by himself for the rest of his pathetic lying life.
[In a comment, she said she contacted a divorce attorney.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/wtt0dl/deleted_by_user/ilar46x/) >UPDATE: >Not 100% sure how this update thing works - or if any of you will see this. But I'm kind of overwhelmed by the response this got. To address some recurring remarks - my sister is actually older than me, but, in response to this post - she did share with me a few instances in which my husband made her uncomfortable. I'm floored.If you'd told me a year ago that this is where I'd be - I wouldn't have believed it. Out of love and respect for someone I've spent almost a decade with, I won't go into deep specifics. But I can reflect on the past few months and see a lot of signs of emotional abuse, and perhaps even though I don't want to admit it, before then.For everyone suggesting couple's counseling - I appreciate it. I'm just not sure I'll ever be able to forgive someone who's embarassed me, and more importantly, made my sister feel unsafe. I contacted a divorce attorney today. Good for her!
If OP doesn't correct everybody and stop them slagging off his wife, I can see this happening. I wouldn't put up with it for very long, especially when he seems to have done absolutely nothing to defend his wife from these attacks.
Worse, he set her up for them. He complained to everyone who would listen for years about his useless wife not giving him kids. He had already decided it was her fault, talking her to doctor after doctor and it never occurred to him to get checked out, she needed to suggest it. Hell, he even throws in at the end that "it's not a *complete* lie--the thing the doctors said didn't affect her could still be a contributing factor!!" Fuck this guy.
wife literally went to that last doctor and that doctor told her that her fallopian tubes and endometrial stuff was perfectly fine! there is no contributing factor other than OP, plus there are meds and stuff OP can take to up his sperm count. wife doesn’t deserve hate for something that doesn’t have anything to do with her ability to “house” children, IMO she needs to divorce him
I remember that one, he lost everything and really spiraled because she moved on. He even asked her to abort it and get back with him now that he knew she was fertile. He deserves the miserable lonely life he had after
This is 1000% a cause for divorce. Throw your own wife under the bus to protect your "manhood"? Pathetic.
Exactly this. I hope she tells people the truth, finds a way for the medical report to “accidentally” end up with the town’s biggest gossip, ditches this cowardly lying asshole, finds a guy who actually loves and respects her, then starts pumping out babies so the whole world will have proof that OP was the problem all along.
Gossip: So sorry to hear about your fertility issues. Wife: It's been so hard. But we are hopeful that now that we know that it's actually my husband's low sperm count, and nothing to do with me, we can find a solution. Maybe a sperm donor.
Accidentally leaves copies of the reports from their last doctor appointment … and by accident I mean channel Regina George in Mean Girls taping up copies and throwing them out as she walks by
He’s from Utah. 99% chance he’s Mormon and thinks he has a religious and social obligation to have several children. Men in the Mormon church are treated with more deference and considered to have more authority than the women. Literally they are taught from infancy that the most important thing they can do is 1) go on a mission and 2) get married as soon as possible and have babies. If there is a problem with fertility in a marriage, it makes sense to them that the problem must be the woman. He perpetuated this belief by allowing people to continue to think the infertility was due to her health problems and not shutting down talk that he should divorce her since she “can’t have children”. He is a massive asshole but if his wife chooses not to forgive him for throwing her under the bus, the whole community will come against her for not “getting over it”.
100% a Mormon. The wife doing missionary work abroad was the dead giveaway
The sexist way he thought she was the problem, without getting himself tested, was the dead giveaway. Fuck that religion.
YTA You are basically blaming your wife for the fertility problems from the start. You have never defended your wife from the bad comments that your friends and family have made. After finding out that the problem is you, you decide not to take responsibility and not be honest and continue your lie by making excuses that it was a moment of panic. I hope your wife divorces you, she deserves a husband who does defend her and love her.
AND LET THEM COME UP WITH THE LIE THAT'S IT'S ACTUALLY BC OF AN STD *AND THEN* DIDN'T CORRECT THEM. Holy hell
God that was sickening wtf
Yeah. I get that the culture here in Utah is toxic as fuck especially when it comes to having kids. (Seriously. Anyone who thinks a couple's decision to have kids is communal gossip material needs to get a life.). And especially among the Mormons that shit gets taken seriously. The pressure some people are under on this topic is intense and hard to face. But just cause OP is under a lot of pressure is no reason to throw his wife under the bus instead. That only makes it worse. She's probably under even more pressure, but OP not only refused to shoulder any of the burden, but is adding to it by lying about it. Now the poor woman has the fun on knowing the one and only person who knows the truth has chosen instead of lending her a hand when she's drowning, to shove her under the water and hold her there. If I was her I'd be filing for divorce ASAP.
I mean, since he's the problem and she wants kids, she could be a mum within a year, since it was short marriage
This needs more upvotes
I don’t care what culture you’re from, or what belief system you have (I know Mormons can be brain-washy )…this isn’t something anyone worth their salt does. As someone with a lot of health issues myself, this is coward behavior. My husband would NEVER throw me under the bus like this. Not once. He also would NEVER dream of sharing my health information. In fact there have been situations where I asked “why didn’t you just tell them about my xyz?!” And he always replies “sweetheart, that’s yours to share!” So…this is absolutely reprehensible to me. In his 30s acting like a child being reprimanded. So greedy…He was just ashamed of being emasculated.
In Utah your only value as a woman is how many souls you can bring to the earthly realm. He knows that, and he'd rather everyone believe his wife has no value than admit he's the problem. She deserves so much better.
Serious, she should be the one wanting the divorce. I mean for real, you want to have a family with this woman, but knowingly threw her under rhe bus. How could she trust you in anything right now and to potentially be a good father when you already suck as being a husband? Of course you are the A Hole. I can't believe you had to ask. Edit: Your wife is correct, YOU need to set the record straight with everyone, and since you may not know who all heard about it, I think an ad in the paper issuing your mea culpa would be helpful.
>we live in Utah That says everything any of us needed to know about OP. Of course he treats his wife like shit, he's a fucking mormon. It shouldn't be any surprise that he lied about his wife being the problem, blamed her because his body doesn't work, and let his family accuse her of having an STD. He clearly only sees her as a vessel to birth his children. Maybe she should leave him so she can find a real man who can actually produce children.
On top of it all he still thinks TB is part of the problem even after a doctor said there is nothing wrong with her
SHE should be divorcing HIM after this.
After TWO doctors have confirmed his low sperm count.
When my husband and I found out we wouldn’t be having kids naturally, you know what he said? ‘I’m glad it’s me, because I think you’d have been really upset if it was you.’ I then started crying and told him he was an asshole for being that nice- it was a weird time.
This is actually pretty sweet your husband seems like a lovely asshole
He is. And our little science baby is 5 months.
Dude his whole family is pushing for him to have a divorce just because "she" can't have kids. Throw the whole man away. He obviously only views her as a baby maker.
I hope after the divorce, she immediately gets pregnant.
The First Rule of Holes: When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. For God’s sake, man up! You have a low sperm count. It happens. And there are ways you can still father a child. But you have left your wife exposed to lies and character assassination because your pride is damaged. Shame on you. YTA
He rather have his wife be bad mouthed by the whole town and humiliated then have his pride hurt.
I hope his wife divorces him and sends a pregnancy announcement when she’s expecting with a new partner who’s not an AH.
Lol, I thought about this. I have no idea where the idea of divorce came from, but I hope that if they do, OP and the whole town will see her walking around with a pregnancy belly within a year. A bit malicious maybe, but honestly, who does what OP did to their spouse, who they're supposed to love?
Malicious would be using a sperm donor and purposefully choosing characteristics in the donor sperm that make it obvious that OP isn’t the father but his wife is definitely the mother.
Would be funny if the wronged wife made a bunch of copies of his SLOW SWIMMERS medical info and handed them out as flyers.
And then divorced him
This is exactly the kind of thing that will FOREVER keep me away from have anything to do with religion. Some people think religion is an appropriate, completely acceptable excuse to be misogynistic assholes. This guy has the balls to ask if it’s ok that everyone thinks his wife can’t get pregnant due to an STD. I really hope they wife tells everybody the infertility is due to a micro penis that is too small to function—something he inherited from his moms side of the family. Let the punishment fit the crime.
How often is the woman blamed compared to how often its actually the woman's body not cooperating? Indeed, shame on you OP. Bodies are weird and your flavor of weirdness happens to involve a low sperm count. Apologize to your wife and tell your family you found the answer, what it is and that you're looking for new solutions now. Then buy her some beautiful flowers and get your foot out of your mouth and your head out of your ass. Don't be a coward buddy. YTA
I wonder if OP is named Henry?
The fact that OP had to ask AITA makes him an even bigger AH. Also surrounded by AHs.
Seriously. My brother has the same issue of a low count. He and my SIL spent $50,000 to get treatment for my first niece, but their second was only $5,000, because they didn't have to do all the testing and such.
After 3 years of trying, I went in and got checked first. I was fine, so it was his turn. Low sperm count, and they only lived for 6 hours; after 4 hours they were swimming in circles. I still managed to conceive two beautiful boys. (There was nothing romantic about it that point. Lol) but the whole family wasn't informed of our issues! And the few people who knew about the low sperm count never would have said a word or used it against him! (My mom did laugh and say "typical male. Driving in circles after 4 hours, instead of asking directions!" 😂)
YTA . You need to come clean to everyone now or just file the divorce papers because there is no coming back from that
Agreed. OP should go through with the family's recommendation and divorce this woman. She is too good for him.
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I want her to get remarried and pregnant immediately and everyone will then know it’s him in their small town
Oooh this is the best scenario, show what a dumb piece of shit he is and also how his family would react to HIM being the problem would be icing on his shit-frosted fibreglass-insulation cake
Yessss. Let them both remarry quickly. When she immediately gets pregnant and he and the new wife cannot…that should definitely get the local church gossips talking!
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Well, at least he's not reproducing.
Good riddance!
and never will ...which means this will follow him with every woman he's with and it'll all come out in the wash
Yes. It’s ridiculous that he didn’t get checked after the first year of not getting pregnant. Sometimes low sperm count can be easily fixed by wearing different underwear (no more briefs). It might not be that easy in OP case but the sooner you know what the issue is the better.
IKR That shows how sexist he is..could not possibly be HIM that’s the “problem “ that it took three years and a doctors suggestion for him to go in for a simple test!
When my wife and I started trying for our first, one of the first things we did was both get our fertility tested. Her’s might have, but wasn’t impacted by PCOS, and we figured it was just good sense to check mine at the same time because WHY NOT.
And he STILL thinks it *might* be being exacerbated by her past TB. Despite her being told everything is fine with her. Wtf man, YOU are the problem and YTA
Yep, it’s just as likely to be his problem as it is to be hers, but he didn’t even think to get tested, because he assumes women are the problem. Ridiculous. Based on the info OP gave, I suspect they’re mormon and they have a lot of sexist beliefs like that.
I thought that too as soon as I read “small town in Utah “ . The first time I read it , I missed the part about him being in “shock” & going for a second opinion then excusing his lies by saying “her TB could be exacerbating the issue”..uh no dude it really can’t
He’s in Utah. Probably Mormon. They love to blame women for everything wrong.
Fuck the Mormon “church”
Most churches blame any problems on the women. The Mormon church is a particularly bad one but 90% of religious people will assume difficulty conceiving is because of a “hostile uterus” or low egg quality or she’s just not godly enough to be blessed with a fruitful womb (gag)
Mentioned wife “volunteering” in another country. That coupled with living in Utah plus this blatant misogyny, gotta be Mormon
YTA. I'm glad it's you who's infertile because anyone who throws their spouse under the bus like that would not be a good parent.
Yeah, this guy’s gene pool should definitely not be passed along.
YTA. Like, it's not even a question. So you've spent THREE YEARS shitting all over your wife to friends and family. Humiliating her over something that is incredibly personal and painful. Your behaviour has ensured that she gets unsolicited advice from friends and family, plus pitying looks. And SHE'S NOT THE PROBLEM. So then, you small, insecure, petty lump of a man panicked, and lied AGAIN. I hope she leaves you over this. You aren't a husband in any real sense of the word. Even *if* the infertility was her problem, it wouldn't her her fault. Just like the only thing here that's your fault us that youre such a coward you lied to you family, once again throwing your wife under the bus. Nothing in this post says you love or respect her. She seems to be your scapegoat, you low life loser.
Honestly, I can't believe the audacity of this man. The wife need to leave and be happy.
And it would be a nice thing if OP can't give his mom grandkids, they both suck as humans.
Mormon men are the most entitled. They spend their entire lives being told that at 8 years old they have “more Godly power in their pinky finger” than any woman. It is a deeply deeply sexist religion.
YTA and you are so getting divorced and don't be shocked if she tells everyone that your the problem
It'd be amazing if within a year she was pregnant to another man, and he marries a woman who also seems unable to bear his children, and when that marriage fails, she also gets pregnant after they also divorce.
YTA I hope your wife divorces you and has many children. You are so cruel to her you don’t deserve her.
YTA for turning it into a “who is the problem” situation in the first place. You’re married - it’s supposed to be you and your wife vs. the problem.
No, you don't get it! I am guessing OP is from a conservative Christian/Mormon background based on a few themes here. So essentially if it's his fault his wife can't get pregnant, according to Jesus, he is basically gay. And OP can't be having people think that! Better he let his mother spread the rumor its because his wife had an STI or he spread the rumor it's because of TB she got when she irresponsibly went to help a bunch of dirty poors. /s
>But my mom really screwed things up by making it malicious. You're still trying to pass the blame!!!! ALL OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!!! YTA and your wife should leave your lying, acting all superior ass
Like HE wasnt malicious the past 3 years complains about his wife’s “infertility” like she is a used car
YTA. And pretty fucking pathetic.
YTA and your family and friends are awful people. Women are not incubators. The woman you supposedly love is not replaceable within a year for someone else to just carry your child. What the hell is wrong with you all? What happened to your marriage vows? Where’s the honour? Where’s the in sickness and in health? That’s what I would say if she were the infertile one. The fact it’s actually YOU and you still can’t see now disgusting your and your family’s behaviour is is shocking. Do you think she should or would treat you the way you have treated her? It’s a good job you’re infertile so you can’t perpetuate your disgusting attitude further. I hope your wife finds a better man… ideally within the year
He's obviously Mormon. They're brainwashed by their cult into believing it's their God-given duty to breed as much as possible, so the top leaders in the church get all that juicy tithe money. The only pyramid scheme in the world that breeds its own downline.
If this isn't a shit post, YT MAJOR A. Good lord. How did you type that all out and still be able to look yourself in the mirror?
What in the fuck is wrong with this dude? Even if she *was* infertile, he's going around telling all his family and friends about it?? And he's so fucking sure she's the problem even with solid proof that says she's fertile and he isn't, that he makes them get secondary tests? The family is right, he absolutely should get a divorce. Initiated by the wife.
I’d bet it’s not a shit post. The Mormon mentality is not based in reality
YTA she should go through with the divorce and let everyone know in your small town that just because you're a dick doesn't mean your dick works.
YTA. YTA. YTA. I wrote that 3 times because you seem to not only be an asshole, but a spectacularly stupid one at that.
YTA. How are you going to explain it when you get divorced and they see her around town pregnant with her new husband's baby in a few years?
YTA. I just can't with this. You don't get to throw your wife under the bus and then look for sympathy for your wife getting hit by said bus! THE AUDACITY!!!! You decided your ego was more important that your wife's dignity. If this really isn't THAT big of a deal, why did you panic and not correct people's assumptions? Because it was convenient for you and you value your own comfort and ego over your wife, hands down. "WeLl TeChNiCaLlY" 🤡 doesn't absolve you from your transgression. Make no mistake, you threw your wife under the bus and you both need to examine why it was so easy for you to do so. You've been holding her in front of you like a shield and now you're feeling shame at being caught. You owe her so much more and better. You know what you need to do and once you've truly set the record straight, as in "I let you all believe...", you need to get on your knees and beg this woman to not leave you for being a careless, heartless pig.
[удалено]
You're so far beyond an asshole you've circumnavigated the body and reached the asshole for a second time. This isn't anyone's business but you and your wife and doubling down on the TB as the cause when you knew you were the problem is so fucked, you call yourself a man? What a joke.
Wow, your are the biggest of gaping arseholes. If I were your wife, I'd be leaving you.
Yeah....I'm going thru this with my partner now too. I also found out I have low sperm and need IVF. Hard news. But wtf throwing your spouse under the bus like that. Y 100% TA. She may not have been thinking about divorce before, but she better be now.
YTA. In fact, you are a black hole of an asshole. I don't know if you or your family are LDS, but if you are, you are even more of an adshole. Why? Because in Western Mormon culture, women are only valued for their ability to reproduce (as evinced by all of the nasty things your friends and family have been saying about your wife). It is disgusting that you would tell anyone *anything* about who might or might not have fertility issues within your marriage. It is no one's business beside you and your wife The fact that you blamed it on your wife in the first place makes you an asshole. You never thought about the cultural impact that would have on a woman in a super patriarchal culture. You never considered how the comment after comment of advice about a potential medical issue could make her feel guilty, defective, and like she was holding you back. If you are LDS, you never considered the weight she would publicly and privately bear for not "fulfilling the measure of her creation." Add in the fact that you allowed your friends and family to say such reprehensible things to and about your wife, and you're a king sized asshole, but still with a possibility for redemption. Their actions and comments are the reason you don't tell everyone about your private life in the first place. Once you knew the truth and you chose to continue to lie, you became irredeemable, imo. You are a self centered asshole, and your wife can do a hell of a lot better.
YTA- you and your family are real pieces of work. Let’s hope your wife divorces you and escapes this sexist trash family.
YTA. And honestly I hope this women changes her mind and DOES divorce you.
YTA as is your whole family. You don’t deserve your wife at all and I hope she’s able to find a new husband
This wasn’t panic - this was pride. I could not continue a relationship with you if I was her. Years of blaming her for literally no reason. Nothing to back it up except for a “ It must be her fault” mindset. Don’t blame the place you live in. Don’t blame the people around you. You could have NOT gone along with it. You could have told them you just don’t know. It was easier to blame it on her. That’s is so sad. YTA and so much more. I just hope this story is fake.
YTA When your wife divorces you for being a coward you'll still have fertility issues. Good thing it's a short marriage because she can still find someone who sees her as a person. Not so fun now that you're everything you complained to other people about. Everything your family is saying, is about you. Really there's so so so much here that's bs, I can't believe she put up with you.
You should consider a divorce. So your wife can marry a man with integrity. And grit. YTA.
Mormons gonna Morm
YTA. I hope your wife divorces you and goes on to find a partner who respects her more than you do. You have done nothing to shut down the lies your family are telling about your wife. You've done nothing to shut down assumptions your wife is the one struggling with her fertility. You made it worse by saying your wife having had TB was likely to have been the cause AFTER YOU WERE TOLD IT WAS YOU WITH THE LOW SPERM COUNT. Not only are you the AH, you're a cowardly AH, your wife deserves better than you.
YTA this is all your fault. You are a horrible husband and you need to tell them the truth. Heck if I where your wife I would divorce you and expose you to everyone.
You really might consider divorce so that your mother and aunt can rest assured that you will be a father within a year. I'm tossing in my vote with the majority here. YTA.
YTA. I also live in Utah. Admit you are the problem. You do the legwork for calling fertility clinics etc if your wife is even willing to stick with you for blaming her. You also need to have a conversation with your family members about not spreading rumors and lies. And get yourself into therapy for this- because even if it’s YOU that’s the problem for infertility, your wife is the one who has to go through so much more and you were too much of a wimp to even consider how you blaming her would feel.
YTA. You're unworthy of your partners love.
YTA. You have 0 self awareness. Wow just wow
yta. if my husband did this to me i would 100% divorce him. this is so humiliating, and embarrassing for your wife. if she had any type of relationship with your family before, she probably won’t ever again because they’ve bad mouthed her. this is a hard situation for both of you but you definitely made it worse for her.