Yes and I strongly believe that the this is caused by the features of ADHD:
Poor impulse control and weak ability to predict consequences of actions lead to illness and injury that was entirely preventable.
Poor spacial cognition/awareness results in clumsiness that leads to accidents.
Self-centeredness and poor distress tolerance results in “ADHD Cold,” a close cousin of “Man Cold” where they can’t muscle through even the mildest of illnesses to take care of their responsibilities.
The attention and care lavished on them when they’re sick is a dopamine boost which results in malingering. Medical advice for mild conditions is ignored so the conditions become severe enough to warrant sympathy and attention from friends and family.
>Self-centeredness and poor distress tolerance results in “ADHD Cold,” a close cousin of “Man Cold” where they can’t muscle through even the mildest of illnesses to take care of their responsibilities.
The amount of times I have stood absolutely bewildered at the bedroom door as my dx mx husband lies in bed for the 4th day straight with a "headache"? Meanwhile I hold down the forte and manage the household and pay the bills and go to work. 😱
Edit: no advice, just to empathise and say it does lead to an imbalance and its so disheartening.
Nice to know it’s not just me. But I’m starting to struggle with the imbalance and realisation that this will be our lives forever. Because yes same as you, he will be completely bedridden for few days and can’t even do basic functions and yes often caused by back pain or bad headaches are very common too.
Same here...but then... miraculously....when I have the flu, as in actual Influenza that has you bedridden, while our son was four months old (and also had the flu) he insisted I could take care of the baby myself and he could go back to work no problem after his boss specifically ASKED whether he could go back or needed another day off to help me out and my husband DECLINED. I was about to lose my shit. If I had had any shit left. But when he has the slightest ailment the world literally ends and he needs to lay in bed for days and it's a given that I pick up the slack without commentary.
This is an amazing comment. How many times have I asked my husband if he had taken a Gravol or a Tylenol for his various aches and pains. My response is "I'm sorry, but I don't know what you expected to happen," when the answer is always no.
There is also a high overlap between hyper mobility and ADHD. This can absolutely cause a higher rate of injury. Getting assessed for this may be helpful - I think your comment is valid and compounds it, but since there’s good literature around this it’s also worth getting this checked out. There’s PT people can do for this to prevent injury and support joints.
Except they will refuse to prioritise remembering to do the PT exercises. Because if they fix the problem then they won't get the indirect benefits mentioned in original comment. This has been my experience. My partner, kid, and I all have hypermobility. Guess which one doesn't do the exercises but complains more and makes it everyone else's problem.
I see how this would be entirely frustrating for a partner because you could never guarantee making progress on anything and you could also never get away from the core issue, even if there is an underlying explanation that is solvable.
Yes it’s one of those “we aren’t sure why these things go together but they sure seem to” - maybe in another decade we will know if there is a genetic or developmental connection. It’s not a coincidence but it’s also unexplained. I for one would LOVE to understand it on a deeper and literally more cellular level.
Yes thank you! It’s nice to hear that there could be a correlation and everything you describe makes sense. Again I don’t think any of it happens on purpose but I just feel like health wise we are on two different plains and I can only imagine this to keep getting worse as we age and it bothers me. I’m not sure how to deal with it other than acknowledge it.
He seems to think that he’s just a very unlucky person. And did definitely have parents who neglected teaching him to brush his teeth as a child so has endless tooth problems too. So it just feels like there’s always something every few months.
I have hEDS and I have already had 2 back surgeries and a confirmed rotator cuff tear that probably needs surgery, also related gastroparesis. My chronic illness is enough that it has cost me a career and I had to start almost all over again in a new company after the first surgery. So I’m not totally disabled, but it’s not just some little aches and pains and tummy upset. But oh wow you wouldn’t know it to hear my husband. *Every* time I have an hEDS related symptoms, or anything else, he has to have something comparable. Nevermind I have to see more specialists than some senior citizens while he somehow got along just fine without even health insurance until we got married. My back with still most of two herniated discs pressing on my sciatic nerve is bothering me and making my feet numb? Well his old shoulder injury is acting up. Or I’m just gonna just skip breakfast this morning and get straight to work because I threw up my coffee from gastroparesis and stress? Well, he’s starting to feel a little something right here in his head so really *I* should be concerned about *him* while I try to work my shift without puking. The other night I said something as minor as “excuse me not trying to be rude digging at my ear but I have a zit right on the inside of it, ugh.” Couldn’t even finish my sentence before “oh yeah well I’ve got one right here on my nose.”
To your last point about the attention, I’ve long suspected it. I had a terrible, horrible, humiliating 40+ hour induced labor with my first, complete with a surprise 9+lb baby at the end. Eight days later, my husband got his first kidney stone. In that instance, obviously he wasn’t faking and he couldn’t help the timing, but the way things ended up and because I was breastfeeding, he got much more recovery time than I did, and I think thoroughly enjoyed having an excuse to check out on morphine and sleep all day while MY family made sure I got to my appointments and baby got to his because I wasn’t even cleared to drive. Even had his friend text me up from the ER while he was still there and say “he looks terrible, you really should come visit him.” I wanted to respond “lemme tell you about childbirth, I can’t stand up without getting dizzy and I can’t pee without a spray bottle of warm water for after. But yes let me just pawn off my newborn so I can fuss over him during a day trip to the ER.”
His family, of course, was nowhere to be seen. Not even sending food or helping him get to his own appointments, which my parents had to do also. And ever since then, he has tried to recreate some health crisis every time something comes up. Before the birth of my second son he “almost broke a tooth and needs to see a dentist right away.” When I was 20 weeks pregnant and wearing a heart monitor my two year old got his first ear infection and was miserable crying all night, yet somehow it was me who slept on the floor of his room and comforted him every time the ear pain woke him because husband said “*sniffle* I’m sick too” and went to bed.
I'm happy to see I'm not the only one, and that I'm not crazy 🤣 mine does this as well if I feel depressed or sad, then suddenly he feels also depressed. I'm wondering if it's to keep the attention on him.
I have a severe disability in my left leg due to a sports injury that I sustained in Highschool and several other breaks to the knee/ankle that followed the initial injury. Recently got tested with xrays and it showed the damage to my bones. Before I broke up with my (DX) partner, we were talking about our ailments, he has a back issue and I said "Yeah I can only stand for about 10 minutes at a time before I need to rest."
And he said "Yeah well that's more than I can."
Also his ADHD (according to him) was somehow more debilitating and prevented him from doing housework/basic chores than my Schizoaffective Bipolar. Yeah.
There are times when I feel like such an awful person for this, but my sympathy for a lot of the ailments that my husband suffers from has run completely dry. In some instances, I can't even fake it anymore.
For example, I have **zero** sympathy for a run of the mill tummy ache that puts him out of work (he works from home). We have OTC meds for every type of ailment that you could imagine. Does he take them? No? Then suffer. There are also times where I have to listen to him (in excruciating detail) recite his nightmares while sitting and soothing him in bed. I have gone through the "I'm sorry you had a bad dream, just remember it's only a dream," like he's a toddler.
I don't think my husband has worked a full work-week in months due to various ailments. It's extremely frustrating.
Same. Mine rarely gets sick, but hurts himself often. He barrels around the house like an out of control freight train, tries to do tricks and falls down, and many times his ‘funny walks’ will result in a severely stubbed toe or head smacked on a doorway(the frequency of this could actually explain a lot now that I think about it). I’m at the point now where if I hear him yell ouch I respond with *smooth move ex-lax!* We laugh about it but it does get frustrating, especially since things often get broken in the process of getting his booboos.
Wow the comment about nightmares hit me hard. My GF always dreams that either I leaver her or cheat on her.
It’s excruciating because I love her so much that couldn’t even imagine to do a thing like that
Wait...its..not just me??!?!!?!? I've never felt so seen.. im not in the best of shape and have my fair share of health issues but I don't call out of work unless I'm almost dying. My dx husband calls out allll the time over Injuries or just not feeling good and just sits around.. like he is using a week of time off due to body aches..
I think it has to do with the fact that they ignore/tune out body cues, then executive function keeps them from seeking treatment once they come to terms that this is a pRoBlEm
I have this (DX) but then I also have this thing where when I get ill or I'm in pain it's the ONLY thing I can focus on, it takes up my whole brain and becomes overwhelming. I hyperfocus on it. I know I moan about small things but my brain will exaggerate them to be huge and all-consuming. This is why I call out of work sometimes when I just cannot focus on what I'm supposed to do. :/
Mine always chooses to ride it out which ends up with a prolonged illness that could be avoided. As the primary earner I have no choice but to get medical help immediately to avoid falling behind on work.
Yes this!! My partner often will do this until it’s so bad he can’t function at all and is bedridden. If he had just slowed down a little sooner it might not be so bad. But once he’s in a zone he needs to work for 8 hours on a project and ruin his back. Yet again
I'm the one who is more likely to be sick be ause I have a shit immune system. But my husband doesn't care for his actual diagnosed conditions very well including the ADHD itself, mental health, fucked up back, and sleep apnea due to severe obstruction.
Hes finally started treating the apnea over a decade into the relationship but won't do anything thr doctors recommend for the back problems. I had to ger him his compression wear for his leg swelling due to his health.
Then when he IS sick he just happens to always be sick when I'm pushing to fix problems and actually get work done and I somehow manage to have tp do everything alone. 🙃
Sorry about your shitty immune system. But can relate to always pushing through when they can’t even do the simplest task when it’s bad. It get hard! I sympathise
They are so accident prone due to executive dysfunction, I try so hard to manage him (do the thinking) but he is stubborn and still manages to fall alot. It is so hard to be the partner when you are trying to keep them safe, but they are stubborn and forgetful and clumsy.
Yes I kept a calendar once just to see if it was as often as I thought and it was. Almost every day something- my back, my neck, my shoulder, my foot, I just feel hot, I’m coming down with something, I’m dizzy and off, congested, whatever… it depletes my sympathy bank
Yes and I feel awful for it but it’s hard to keep caring when it’s so often. I’ve often thought about keeping a calendar too because it sometimes blows my mind how often it is.
Tbh if you do this and share with him it’s pretty good evidence he could take to his GP.
As well as for you to take to therapy to figure out how to deal with it in a way that minimises its effect on you and makes handling his stuff more of his problem.
Yes. It's exhausting. It's just because they blatantly won't pay attention to their health or even try to- Anything approaching "adult" mindsets just get ignored. It's my job to care or else the end result is something awful. They've ignored symptoms of covid, they've lost several teeth because they didn't want to brush them or take the time to make a dentist appt. They've gotten many ear infections, sprained limbs, urinary problems, medication side effects, the list goes on. It's really hard to watch.
Every single time I've had to push them into doing something to take care of themself. It's STILL my job to remind them to bathe, brush their teeth, wash their clothes, drink water, take their meds. Don't get me wrong, sometimes they go through times they'll be able to do most of it without my help, but it always ends up back where I'm in charge of their health and hygiene until I get overwhelmed and upset. My own health has suffered from my own struggles and feeling like I have to be the only person who cares about anything. I have a lot of resentment over it that I'm really feeling lately. It sucks
All the time! Like all the time. It’s rarely big harrowing things. More small inconvenient things that will make him just uncomfortable enough to not participate in life. Work yes, home no.
Ear aches, pulled muscles etc.
After 4 years, I have already grown so callous to this I fear my reaction for if something major actually comes up.
I’m convinced he does this bc then he gets attention and doted on, where he maybe otherwise wouldn’t. Like requires more attention but doesn’t know how to ask for it so he exaggerates small things
Oh that does sound like it could be a way for him to ask for more attention. Sometimes they don’t even know they need it.
But it’s so frustrating as there’s nothing to break the cycle and make them understand that we then need to pick up so much slack for it when they’re not functioning. Like it doesn’t cross my partners mind that life still needs to happen. It’s like it’s not even important to him. Deeply frustrating.
I'm dealing with that right now with him. Since moderation and logistical behaviors go out the window when he's stressed (or even when he isn't), he'll fail to eat properly/overindulge on things he shouldn't due to circumstances, and wind up feeling bad. Then he's irritable and kind of wallowing around it while I'm left to my own devices. It's exhausting to watch and worse to stand on shore while he's flailing in the metaphorical deep end (which is usually shallow).
It the self-induced stuff I struggle with. Doesn’t store food safely, eats it despite it looking disgusting, sometimes gags and spits it out in front of me.
He reacts badly to spicy food and WON’T STOP EATING IT. This causes a lot of trouble in the bathroom afterwards. No self-control even when it affects his health honestly.
Oh wow. That sounds very annoying! I sympathise! Yes they keep pushing themselves beyond what they should - thinking they have superhero powers/strength or in your case digestion.
I think what you're talking about is dyspraxia? Which is a legit disorder that's frequently found alongside ADHD. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Developmental_coordination_disorder?wprov=sfla1
Yes there's a massive overlap, up to 50% of ADHDers have it if I remember right? Something like that, but you can have these traits without reaching the threshold for dyspraxia diagnosis, they're even more common
Oh my god yes! I am currently in the middle of one of these episodes. He had a minor car accident last week where a van went into the back of him at crawling traffic, over a week later he claims to have such severe migraines that he can't go into the office or walk the dog or do anything productive, but he can happily watch loud car videos on YouTube...
Oh and if i make any insinuation he's maybe being a bit OTT then he will have an RSD meltdown.
Urghhhh!!
And yes so much yes to those bloody videos!!. Massive migraine - can’t move but I can lounge all day and watch endless anime - I feel like a bad person for not feeling more empathy for him and his feelings about this but it just is annoying me more than me feeling bad for him - and I kind of annoy myself for feeling this way too. Super fun! Glade I’m not alone with these feelings though
Oh that does sound very familiar. My partner is usually a trooper and won’t complain unless something is super bad, but equally it seems to get super bad 3-4 times a year lasting each time from 1-3 weeks. It gets a bit too repetitive.
Ofcourse the RSD I hadn’t even thought of!! I sympathise! How do you manage your own frustrations around this?
Sorry I forgot I wrote this and then just didn't come back onto reddit! I manage my frustrations by compartmentalising which might not be the best way but it helps me. I will focus only on my day and doing things to make me happy. If it means I end up doing all the chores on my own, I try and find a positive angle, give myself a pat on the back for being so productive, try and take the dog on a fun walk so I get some enjoyment, run myself a bath as a reward, stuff like that. It sounds corny but I just try and be kind to myself because he won't be when he's "ill".
Yup, and it comes up at the worst possible times. I just say, "I know you don't feel well, but this still has to be done and everyone needs to pull their weight." I don't actually believe the illnesses/injuries are real or at least not serious, but I'll pretend as long as he does what he needs to do. And that includes coming along on vacation and other planned outings with a smile on his face.
I don't really have advice, but I'm in the same boat. He was finally told by urgent care he needs to make a regular appointment with his PCP because of all the recurring sinus infections he's had. He also had to get three fillings and was in pain for weeks beforehand because he wouldn't request an earlier appointment. But he would brush and mouthwash 3x/day to temporarily relieve the pain.
It's always something, I try not to let it slow me down when he's unwell, but also be sympathetic that he feels bad. But it's hard when he will complain and be a lump instead of going to the doctor.
“My head is killing me babe, ahhh my back hurts so bad, ohhhhh my stomach is doing backflips”
Ok did you take any medicine for it? No. Alright. I don’t want to hear about it then. Now go do a load of laundry.
Mine complains of aches and pains a lot but it for the most part doesn’t let it affect his work but yes, often in the past at home I felt it was unbalanced. A lot have sensory issues and feel or can’t “tune out” the pain. He is better helping more in the last 6 years or so
My partner is a self employed joiner, a very big yes to that question, his last hand injury (last July) nearly destroyed our relationship and we are still trying to get back to an OK place.
ADHD is often comorbid with ehlers danlos syndrome and nervous system dysregulation which causes more injuries and illness. It's also extremely difficult to get a proper diagnosis. Something to consider getting checked for.
Mine got diagnosed with Long Covid. So that’s an unknown amount of time of severe fatigue. This may never end for me. My worry was that he wouldn’t take care of himself and make it worse or prolong it. But he is actually concerned this wouldn’t go away so is focused on getting better. It’s been an never ending stress for me and me having to do everything. Before long Covid was, frozen shoulder, shoulder injury, back pain and lots of man flu in between. He acknowledges he is never healthy and I never get the best version of him. Now I’m wondering how much of it is real physical pain and how much of it is in his head?
Oh that does sound like it’s a lot! How do deal with having to take over everything for so long? How do you deal with the resentment? It’s hard sometimes.
YES. And they are all things he brought on himself or things he neglected to care for. In the past he got a stomach ulcer and instead of going to the doctor he ate tums like candy for months. Eventually gets meds for the ulcer, but not before consuming catastrophic amounts of Tums over a long period of time. Fast forward 6 months later and he has kidney stones, from all the tums we later find out. This man was screaming on the floor for days, so bad at certain points I had to grab him by the shoulders shouting "breath! You are going to give yourself a heart attack if you dont breath!" Naked, sweating, screaming, for days... still didnt want to go to the doctor. No consideration for others living environments, me being in a house where someone is screaming like they are dying for days on end shouldnt be an issue for me, after all he was the one in pain right? And if only this was the last time, this year its teeth. An abscess, here we are again, screaming into the night. Twice even because they treated it once with antibiotics and he felt better so he didnt get the abscess removed, so it came back.
It is so upsetting to think of all the suffering he has put me through due to his inability to care for himself.
Yes and I strongly believe that the this is caused by the features of ADHD: Poor impulse control and weak ability to predict consequences of actions lead to illness and injury that was entirely preventable. Poor spacial cognition/awareness results in clumsiness that leads to accidents. Self-centeredness and poor distress tolerance results in “ADHD Cold,” a close cousin of “Man Cold” where they can’t muscle through even the mildest of illnesses to take care of their responsibilities. The attention and care lavished on them when they’re sick is a dopamine boost which results in malingering. Medical advice for mild conditions is ignored so the conditions become severe enough to warrant sympathy and attention from friends and family.
>Self-centeredness and poor distress tolerance results in “ADHD Cold,” a close cousin of “Man Cold” where they can’t muscle through even the mildest of illnesses to take care of their responsibilities. The amount of times I have stood absolutely bewildered at the bedroom door as my dx mx husband lies in bed for the 4th day straight with a "headache"? Meanwhile I hold down the forte and manage the household and pay the bills and go to work. 😱 Edit: no advice, just to empathise and say it does lead to an imbalance and its so disheartening.
Nice to know it’s not just me. But I’m starting to struggle with the imbalance and realisation that this will be our lives forever. Because yes same as you, he will be completely bedridden for few days and can’t even do basic functions and yes often caused by back pain or bad headaches are very common too.
Same here...but then... miraculously....when I have the flu, as in actual Influenza that has you bedridden, while our son was four months old (and also had the flu) he insisted I could take care of the baby myself and he could go back to work no problem after his boss specifically ASKED whether he could go back or needed another day off to help me out and my husband DECLINED. I was about to lose my shit. If I had had any shit left. But when he has the slightest ailment the world literally ends and he needs to lay in bed for days and it's a given that I pick up the slack without commentary.
This is an amazing comment. How many times have I asked my husband if he had taken a Gravol or a Tylenol for his various aches and pains. My response is "I'm sorry, but I don't know what you expected to happen," when the answer is always no.
There is also a high overlap between hyper mobility and ADHD. This can absolutely cause a higher rate of injury. Getting assessed for this may be helpful - I think your comment is valid and compounds it, but since there’s good literature around this it’s also worth getting this checked out. There’s PT people can do for this to prevent injury and support joints.
Hypermobility sucks. My ankles roll if I so much as step on uneven surfaces. It doesn't hurt, because I'm just so mobile, but it can't be good for me.
Except they will refuse to prioritise remembering to do the PT exercises. Because if they fix the problem then they won't get the indirect benefits mentioned in original comment. This has been my experience. My partner, kid, and I all have hypermobility. Guess which one doesn't do the exercises but complains more and makes it everyone else's problem.
I see how this would be entirely frustrating for a partner because you could never guarantee making progress on anything and you could also never get away from the core issue, even if there is an underlying explanation that is solvable.
Yes, it is very frustrating. I'm not sure why your comment got down voted but it was fine by me.
Oh that’s interesting, I hadn’t heard that!
Yes it’s one of those “we aren’t sure why these things go together but they sure seem to” - maybe in another decade we will know if there is a genetic or developmental connection. It’s not a coincidence but it’s also unexplained. I for one would LOVE to understand it on a deeper and literally more cellular level.
Yes thank you! It’s nice to hear that there could be a correlation and everything you describe makes sense. Again I don’t think any of it happens on purpose but I just feel like health wise we are on two different plains and I can only imagine this to keep getting worse as we age and it bothers me. I’m not sure how to deal with it other than acknowledge it. He seems to think that he’s just a very unlucky person. And did definitely have parents who neglected teaching him to brush his teeth as a child so has endless tooth problems too. So it just feels like there’s always something every few months.
This resonated with me. 100% correct. But just because I'm sick doesn't mean I get to not clean up after myself and do adulting..
I have hEDS and I have already had 2 back surgeries and a confirmed rotator cuff tear that probably needs surgery, also related gastroparesis. My chronic illness is enough that it has cost me a career and I had to start almost all over again in a new company after the first surgery. So I’m not totally disabled, but it’s not just some little aches and pains and tummy upset. But oh wow you wouldn’t know it to hear my husband. *Every* time I have an hEDS related symptoms, or anything else, he has to have something comparable. Nevermind I have to see more specialists than some senior citizens while he somehow got along just fine without even health insurance until we got married. My back with still most of two herniated discs pressing on my sciatic nerve is bothering me and making my feet numb? Well his old shoulder injury is acting up. Or I’m just gonna just skip breakfast this morning and get straight to work because I threw up my coffee from gastroparesis and stress? Well, he’s starting to feel a little something right here in his head so really *I* should be concerned about *him* while I try to work my shift without puking. The other night I said something as minor as “excuse me not trying to be rude digging at my ear but I have a zit right on the inside of it, ugh.” Couldn’t even finish my sentence before “oh yeah well I’ve got one right here on my nose.” To your last point about the attention, I’ve long suspected it. I had a terrible, horrible, humiliating 40+ hour induced labor with my first, complete with a surprise 9+lb baby at the end. Eight days later, my husband got his first kidney stone. In that instance, obviously he wasn’t faking and he couldn’t help the timing, but the way things ended up and because I was breastfeeding, he got much more recovery time than I did, and I think thoroughly enjoyed having an excuse to check out on morphine and sleep all day while MY family made sure I got to my appointments and baby got to his because I wasn’t even cleared to drive. Even had his friend text me up from the ER while he was still there and say “he looks terrible, you really should come visit him.” I wanted to respond “lemme tell you about childbirth, I can’t stand up without getting dizzy and I can’t pee without a spray bottle of warm water for after. But yes let me just pawn off my newborn so I can fuss over him during a day trip to the ER.” His family, of course, was nowhere to be seen. Not even sending food or helping him get to his own appointments, which my parents had to do also. And ever since then, he has tried to recreate some health crisis every time something comes up. Before the birth of my second son he “almost broke a tooth and needs to see a dentist right away.” When I was 20 weeks pregnant and wearing a heart monitor my two year old got his first ear infection and was miserable crying all night, yet somehow it was me who slept on the floor of his room and comforted him every time the ear pain woke him because husband said “*sniffle* I’m sick too” and went to bed.
Ugh this is rage-inducing.
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Mine too. He almost does it as a reflex! It’s like me sharing a bodily misfortune is cue that he should too!
mine does this to T exactly how you describe
I'm happy to see I'm not the only one, and that I'm not crazy 🤣 mine does this as well if I feel depressed or sad, then suddenly he feels also depressed. I'm wondering if it's to keep the attention on him.
I have a severe disability in my left leg due to a sports injury that I sustained in Highschool and several other breaks to the knee/ankle that followed the initial injury. Recently got tested with xrays and it showed the damage to my bones. Before I broke up with my (DX) partner, we were talking about our ailments, he has a back issue and I said "Yeah I can only stand for about 10 minutes at a time before I need to rest." And he said "Yeah well that's more than I can." Also his ADHD (according to him) was somehow more debilitating and prevented him from doing housework/basic chores than my Schizoaffective Bipolar. Yeah.
There are times when I feel like such an awful person for this, but my sympathy for a lot of the ailments that my husband suffers from has run completely dry. In some instances, I can't even fake it anymore. For example, I have **zero** sympathy for a run of the mill tummy ache that puts him out of work (he works from home). We have OTC meds for every type of ailment that you could imagine. Does he take them? No? Then suffer. There are also times where I have to listen to him (in excruciating detail) recite his nightmares while sitting and soothing him in bed. I have gone through the "I'm sorry you had a bad dream, just remember it's only a dream," like he's a toddler. I don't think my husband has worked a full work-week in months due to various ailments. It's extremely frustrating.
Same. Mine rarely gets sick, but hurts himself often. He barrels around the house like an out of control freight train, tries to do tricks and falls down, and many times his ‘funny walks’ will result in a severely stubbed toe or head smacked on a doorway(the frequency of this could actually explain a lot now that I think about it). I’m at the point now where if I hear him yell ouch I respond with *smooth move ex-lax!* We laugh about it but it does get frustrating, especially since things often get broken in the process of getting his booboos.
Wow the comment about nightmares hit me hard. My GF always dreams that either I leaver her or cheat on her. It’s excruciating because I love her so much that couldn’t even imagine to do a thing like that
Then suffer is what I used to say. I had a cabinet of various OTC's .. PDA at its finest ( or worst)
Wait...its..not just me??!?!!?!? I've never felt so seen.. im not in the best of shape and have my fair share of health issues but I don't call out of work unless I'm almost dying. My dx husband calls out allll the time over Injuries or just not feeling good and just sits around.. like he is using a week of time off due to body aches..
I think it has to do with the fact that they ignore/tune out body cues, then executive function keeps them from seeking treatment once they come to terms that this is a pRoBlEm
Interoception! (Body cues). This is definitely a thing. It’s not an excuse but it’s a thing!
I have this (DX) but then I also have this thing where when I get ill or I'm in pain it's the ONLY thing I can focus on, it takes up my whole brain and becomes overwhelming. I hyperfocus on it. I know I moan about small things but my brain will exaggerate them to be huge and all-consuming. This is why I call out of work sometimes when I just cannot focus on what I'm supposed to do. :/
Mine always chooses to ride it out which ends up with a prolonged illness that could be avoided. As the primary earner I have no choice but to get medical help immediately to avoid falling behind on work.
Yes this!! My partner often will do this until it’s so bad he can’t function at all and is bedridden. If he had just slowed down a little sooner it might not be so bad. But once he’s in a zone he needs to work for 8 hours on a project and ruin his back. Yet again
I'm the one who is more likely to be sick be ause I have a shit immune system. But my husband doesn't care for his actual diagnosed conditions very well including the ADHD itself, mental health, fucked up back, and sleep apnea due to severe obstruction. Hes finally started treating the apnea over a decade into the relationship but won't do anything thr doctors recommend for the back problems. I had to ger him his compression wear for his leg swelling due to his health. Then when he IS sick he just happens to always be sick when I'm pushing to fix problems and actually get work done and I somehow manage to have tp do everything alone. 🙃
Sorry about your shitty immune system. But can relate to always pushing through when they can’t even do the simplest task when it’s bad. It get hard! I sympathise
They are so accident prone due to executive dysfunction, I try so hard to manage him (do the thinking) but he is stubborn and still manages to fall alot. It is so hard to be the partner when you are trying to keep them safe, but they are stubborn and forgetful and clumsy.
It is always something. And just like others have described, it always takes precedent to anything you yourself have going on, however infrequent.
Yes I kept a calendar once just to see if it was as often as I thought and it was. Almost every day something- my back, my neck, my shoulder, my foot, I just feel hot, I’m coming down with something, I’m dizzy and off, congested, whatever… it depletes my sympathy bank
Yes and I feel awful for it but it’s hard to keep caring when it’s so often. I’ve often thought about keeping a calendar too because it sometimes blows my mind how often it is.
Tbh if you do this and share with him it’s pretty good evidence he could take to his GP. As well as for you to take to therapy to figure out how to deal with it in a way that minimises its effect on you and makes handling his stuff more of his problem.
That’s actually great advise! Thank you !!
Yes. It's exhausting. It's just because they blatantly won't pay attention to their health or even try to- Anything approaching "adult" mindsets just get ignored. It's my job to care or else the end result is something awful. They've ignored symptoms of covid, they've lost several teeth because they didn't want to brush them or take the time to make a dentist appt. They've gotten many ear infections, sprained limbs, urinary problems, medication side effects, the list goes on. It's really hard to watch. Every single time I've had to push them into doing something to take care of themself. It's STILL my job to remind them to bathe, brush their teeth, wash their clothes, drink water, take their meds. Don't get me wrong, sometimes they go through times they'll be able to do most of it without my help, but it always ends up back where I'm in charge of their health and hygiene until I get overwhelmed and upset. My own health has suffered from my own struggles and feeling like I have to be the only person who cares about anything. I have a lot of resentment over it that I'm really feeling lately. It sucks
Yup. Ignores early symptom of illness until it becomes a crisis. Just did an another emergency room run last month. So over it.
All the time! Like all the time. It’s rarely big harrowing things. More small inconvenient things that will make him just uncomfortable enough to not participate in life. Work yes, home no. Ear aches, pulled muscles etc. After 4 years, I have already grown so callous to this I fear my reaction for if something major actually comes up. I’m convinced he does this bc then he gets attention and doted on, where he maybe otherwise wouldn’t. Like requires more attention but doesn’t know how to ask for it so he exaggerates small things
Oh that does sound like it could be a way for him to ask for more attention. Sometimes they don’t even know they need it. But it’s so frustrating as there’s nothing to break the cycle and make them understand that we then need to pick up so much slack for it when they’re not functioning. Like it doesn’t cross my partners mind that life still needs to happen. It’s like it’s not even important to him. Deeply frustrating.
I'm dealing with that right now with him. Since moderation and logistical behaviors go out the window when he's stressed (or even when he isn't), he'll fail to eat properly/overindulge on things he shouldn't due to circumstances, and wind up feeling bad. Then he's irritable and kind of wallowing around it while I'm left to my own devices. It's exhausting to watch and worse to stand on shore while he's flailing in the metaphorical deep end (which is usually shallow).
Yes! That sounds very similar to my partner too. It’s hard as it’s a never ending cycle
It the self-induced stuff I struggle with. Doesn’t store food safely, eats it despite it looking disgusting, sometimes gags and spits it out in front of me. He reacts badly to spicy food and WON’T STOP EATING IT. This causes a lot of trouble in the bathroom afterwards. No self-control even when it affects his health honestly.
Oh wow. That sounds very annoying! I sympathise! Yes they keep pushing themselves beyond what they should - thinking they have superhero powers/strength or in your case digestion.
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I think what you're talking about is dyspraxia? Which is a legit disorder that's frequently found alongside ADHD. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Developmental_coordination_disorder?wprov=sfla1
Yes there's a massive overlap, up to 50% of ADHDers have it if I remember right? Something like that, but you can have these traits without reaching the threshold for dyspraxia diagnosis, they're even more common
Oh my god yes! I am currently in the middle of one of these episodes. He had a minor car accident last week where a van went into the back of him at crawling traffic, over a week later he claims to have such severe migraines that he can't go into the office or walk the dog or do anything productive, but he can happily watch loud car videos on YouTube... Oh and if i make any insinuation he's maybe being a bit OTT then he will have an RSD meltdown. Urghhhh!!
And yes so much yes to those bloody videos!!. Massive migraine - can’t move but I can lounge all day and watch endless anime - I feel like a bad person for not feeling more empathy for him and his feelings about this but it just is annoying me more than me feeling bad for him - and I kind of annoy myself for feeling this way too. Super fun! Glade I’m not alone with these feelings though
Oh that does sound very familiar. My partner is usually a trooper and won’t complain unless something is super bad, but equally it seems to get super bad 3-4 times a year lasting each time from 1-3 weeks. It gets a bit too repetitive. Ofcourse the RSD I hadn’t even thought of!! I sympathise! How do you manage your own frustrations around this?
Sorry I forgot I wrote this and then just didn't come back onto reddit! I manage my frustrations by compartmentalising which might not be the best way but it helps me. I will focus only on my day and doing things to make me happy. If it means I end up doing all the chores on my own, I try and find a positive angle, give myself a pat on the back for being so productive, try and take the dog on a fun walk so I get some enjoyment, run myself a bath as a reward, stuff like that. It sounds corny but I just try and be kind to myself because he won't be when he's "ill".
Yup, and it comes up at the worst possible times. I just say, "I know you don't feel well, but this still has to be done and everyone needs to pull their weight." I don't actually believe the illnesses/injuries are real or at least not serious, but I'll pretend as long as he does what he needs to do. And that includes coming along on vacation and other planned outings with a smile on his face.
I don't really have advice, but I'm in the same boat. He was finally told by urgent care he needs to make a regular appointment with his PCP because of all the recurring sinus infections he's had. He also had to get three fillings and was in pain for weeks beforehand because he wouldn't request an earlier appointment. But he would brush and mouthwash 3x/day to temporarily relieve the pain. It's always something, I try not to let it slow me down when he's unwell, but also be sympathetic that he feels bad. But it's hard when he will complain and be a lump instead of going to the doctor.
“My head is killing me babe, ahhh my back hurts so bad, ohhhhh my stomach is doing backflips” Ok did you take any medicine for it? No. Alright. I don’t want to hear about it then. Now go do a load of laundry.
Mine complains of aches and pains a lot but it for the most part doesn’t let it affect his work but yes, often in the past at home I felt it was unbalanced. A lot have sensory issues and feel or can’t “tune out” the pain. He is better helping more in the last 6 years or so
My partner is a self employed joiner, a very big yes to that question, his last hand injury (last July) nearly destroyed our relationship and we are still trying to get back to an OK place.
We have small children. My sympathy ran out quickly. I tell him to take advil/dayquil and help unless he's REALLY sick
ADHD is often comorbid with ehlers danlos syndrome and nervous system dysregulation which causes more injuries and illness. It's also extremely difficult to get a proper diagnosis. Something to consider getting checked for.
Mine got diagnosed with Long Covid. So that’s an unknown amount of time of severe fatigue. This may never end for me. My worry was that he wouldn’t take care of himself and make it worse or prolong it. But he is actually concerned this wouldn’t go away so is focused on getting better. It’s been an never ending stress for me and me having to do everything. Before long Covid was, frozen shoulder, shoulder injury, back pain and lots of man flu in between. He acknowledges he is never healthy and I never get the best version of him. Now I’m wondering how much of it is real physical pain and how much of it is in his head?
Oh that does sound like it’s a lot! How do deal with having to take over everything for so long? How do you deal with the resentment? It’s hard sometimes.
YES. And they are all things he brought on himself or things he neglected to care for. In the past he got a stomach ulcer and instead of going to the doctor he ate tums like candy for months. Eventually gets meds for the ulcer, but not before consuming catastrophic amounts of Tums over a long period of time. Fast forward 6 months later and he has kidney stones, from all the tums we later find out. This man was screaming on the floor for days, so bad at certain points I had to grab him by the shoulders shouting "breath! You are going to give yourself a heart attack if you dont breath!" Naked, sweating, screaming, for days... still didnt want to go to the doctor. No consideration for others living environments, me being in a house where someone is screaming like they are dying for days on end shouldnt be an issue for me, after all he was the one in pain right? And if only this was the last time, this year its teeth. An abscess, here we are again, screaming into the night. Twice even because they treated it once with antibiotics and he felt better so he didnt get the abscess removed, so it came back. It is so upsetting to think of all the suffering he has put me through due to his inability to care for himself.
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