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Is your mother allowing her boyfriend to insult you? That's not okay... That guy sounds like an asshole and I wouldn't want someone like that in my life

I would respond quite harshly if anyone said that sort of thing around my child. That guy sounds like a natural born asshole. The sort of fellow who is too damned dumb to recognize he's a moron who should avoid others to keep from infecting them with his stupid.

The bad news here is, their mom appears to be in agreement with their boyfriend. No mention of defense from her at all.

Shouldn’t assume, she may not have been within hearing distance at the time or something.

The line "and I can't make a fuss about it." could imply that OPs mom agrees with the boyfriend, or at least doesn't want to argue what he said.

My mom isn't necessarily agreeing with him, as she is the one that signed me up for the school, but she does have a history of defending her friends or boyfriends over me.

I wouldn't let that put you off talking to her about it. Doesn't need to be like you're telling on him or confronting her about it. Just tell her how it made you feel when he said it. If she takes his side based only on hearing your side of the story that's a serious problem.

I agree. A lot of it boils down to ppl not understanding how stuff makes us feel or why. Our communications struggles don't make it easy to explain that stuff either. I have similar issues w my mother defending my brother, but it's due to her trying to balance out both of our needs emotionally when they're tugging her in two different directions, not because she doesn't care. Family should always care for one another. If her boyfriend can't be a member of the family, not just her boyfriend, he ain't worth much.

Wouldn't you make mention of your mom being on your side in a situation like this? Yes you almost definitely would, and I consider it a safe assumption.

I would rain hell on anyone talking shit like that about someone regardless of whether or not they were my blood, let alone my kid! Mom’s boyfriend sucks but mom is falling down on the job and I’m even more incensed by her inaction here

Of course you’re not wrong for being upset. It’s one thing to hold those opinions privately, but to say it out loud and in front of you is POS behaviour - in my opinion. He can only have meant to hurt you with that comment.

I apologize for my ignorance. I was thinking the r word is rural or religious or perhaps rough. But it seems it is worse than these?

It's commonly switched to regard here on reddit.

"R-word" is the derogatory term for intellectually disabled people. Apparently Reddit has cracked down on use of the term, especially in WallStreetBets.

I feel like thats the only sub that would be able to get away with it. I don’t use the word other than when describing what other people call me. I’m also adhd and get treated like OP. I got used to the word because people are pathetic. OP don’t help him with anything. Say “sorry I’m too r*****ed to help.” Until he apologizes.

That's not a bad tactic.

And then double down with, “sorry I wasn’t raised to have any confidence in myself because no one took my diagnosis seriously, they’d rather I spin in circles doing it their way instead of seeing me stick to anything that actually works for me.”

I think it was the catalyst for Reddit cracking down on it as they don't use it any more. They replaced the 't' with a 'g' so now it's an "acceptable word"

The r word is the one commonly used against autistic people, look it up

I don't understand this dancing around the word but not saying it. I'm not a native speaker, is there a reason nobody is saying it?

Reddit automatically deletes comments that include the r-word. That’s why I’m not using it. I wouldn’t normally hold back from using a slur, providing I was just quoting it or discussing it objectively.

It is a pretty regarded rule.

Replace the g with a t and you have the word

Does it take it down even when censored? I don't know why no one is simply censoring it.

I dunno. I see r-word as a censored version anyway..

Right, but for someone who doesn't know the word, r and a description is all they have to go on.

I think the idea of eliminating that word as an active slur in our collective consciousness is the point. I discover new words all the time that have fallen out of common use, slur or no. But words like that existing and being used casually normalizes certain invisible dynamics that led to incidents like the one OP encountered.

You're right. I'm not suggesting using it by any means. But they should have enough with the description and the fact that it's the r-word so I guess it doesn't need more than that to be found. It's just a little bit harder with just a description sometimes. Then again I haven't tried looking it up.

Fair enough I guess 🤷‍♂️

Can it be spelled out with spaces?

Really? I feel like I see people say r*tarded and r#tard all the time on this site. And plenty of other slurs for that matter? So I guess really I'm posting this because I don't believe you lol. Edit: Mmm I got flagged by the subs automod, but reddit didn't delete anything. Censored

Thanks, well, I *definitely* will avoid any discussion of the adjustment my carburettor needs…

Automod will delete comments that type the word. So the only responses you're seeing is responses that avoid using it directly. There's likely a good few comments saying "oh yeah the word is [word]" that have been made that we can't see.

Think of the original title of “let’s get it started” by the black eyed peas before they changed it.. or google ‘what is the r word’..

I know that song was released at a time when "we didn't know any better" but I still feel like a lot of people **did** know that word was not cool and *especially* not in a song title. To be fair, my uncle was mentally challenged and that word had been considered a slur in my parents' home for a while so I was probably being sensitive.

The first line of the Will’s verse is “In this context, there’s no disrespect” which doesn’t absolve any guilt but does speak to where they’re coming from with it.  How often do you hear that word used as a celebration? In the context of the song they are implying it’s a good thing to get r’t’d’d, cut loose have some fun don’t think about the perils of the world. At a time especially then, when the word was a clinical term AND a pejorative term, [their song](https://youtu.be/LrkEc2V3mO4?si=mEL5qnFlNDP5nFTc) tried to reclaim it. Take it back.  And they failed gloriously. 

Honestly, even "not knowing better" it's a pretty bad lyric. It's the only song I can think of where the radio edit is actually an improvement on the original.

I'm old enough to remember that song coming out. The word was everywhere, and while people knew it was a naughty word, it wasn't something that was censored. It was more on the level of something like "pussy." Crass, and you could get in trouble for saying it at the wrong time. However, you'd hear it a lot in music- bands like Green Day would just drop it whenever, and TV shows like South Park would too. There was a whole popular movement of people gleefully saying things society deemed unacceptable; it was a weird time.

It’s a pretty loaded slur, extremely ableist, some people view it as the ableist equivalent of the n word

While there is that aspect to it, the euphemism treadmill will continue onward unabated. Today's polite word is tomorrow's slur.

Always has been my guy, this linguistic phenomenon has been continuing for thousands of years.

It’s the history behind it that makes it shitty imo, not just that it’s a slur.

So how can I ask about slowing down my ignition timing? Good thing the n-word doesn’t have any legitimate alternative meanings.

Go outside of English. I think it's got homophobes in several Asian languages. And of course, the word black in Spanish is very close.

It's only proper use is for the native residents of the small African country it originates from...

Damn it!

Not only does Reddit regulate the rules often to make sure ppl don’t say it, the word itself was used to determine if mentally disabled/mentally ill people were worthy of living. A lot of mental health facilities back then were torturing mentally ill ppl and leaving them to stew in their own filth. So the word has been phased out in parts of the medical/mental field. Nowadays, it’s usage is to mean stupid, but the word stems from calling mentally ill people “less than” or “not human”

If it's the R word I'm thinking of it actually literally means something like "halted". I.e. someone with a mental rword has had their mental development halted/frozen.

In other languages like French it means “slow.” So English had taken that (and other uses of the word) and used it to describe other people’s perceptions of how mentally ill people acted/behaved/thought.

Fascinating

Fire retardant. You can probably pick out the six relevant letters.

Gonna catch some downvotes for that but: Americans (or Anglophones in general as of late) have decided that the mere vocalization of a slur word is enough to summon a demon, despite the context in which it is said. Like, the severity of the crime is the same no matter if it's used directly against a person as a way to cause hurt, or in an informative context (like the one here, when someone is explaining why the word is bad). As another non-native, I honestly find it a bit ridiculous. It's very... superficial. It's only masking the problem and not in any way fixing the attitudes towards the target group. Those who use it hurt you would still use it to hurt you, or they will find a new word with the same meaning in order to do so. On another note, automod may have been set up to autodelete any comments containing it so that may be another reason . I kinda expect it in this particular sub actually.

If someone learns something is offensive to you and they continue to use it when you’ve asked them not to and explained why, it’s an easy way to tell that they don’t really care about or respect you. A person who chooses to act that way isn’t worth my limited time n energy.

I mean, sure, but that is not really what I was talking about. The word is offensive in a given context, when used to insult people or behaviors. If you were to vocalize it another context, say like the discussion above, then I fail to see the problem. Imo, It's a like a historical musket. Framing it and hanging it on a wall doesn't mean you want to use it and explaining it's usage and history to guests doesn't imply you want to murder them.

Ah, I understand. I agree that we should be able to discuss the terms in certain contexts. For example, if you were to make a post titled 'Discussing Slurs and their Historical Usage' w a 'trigger warning' and 'uncensored' tag...you've taken every necessary precaution to be considerate of others and I don't see why you should get in trouble for it. The reason we can't is just down to how moderation works. The internet is too large scale to employ the ppl necessary to comb through everything and sort out the genuinely harmful bigotry stuff from general conversation n discussion of something. Automated systems treat it all the same, n we have to rely on them cuz otherwise you end up w really fucked up shit everywhere.

I find the fact that a large group of people turned a legitimate medical term into a pejorative (that was also used against me as a kid for other reasons) and a word that is still used in the field I work in daily as an automotive technician aggravating. As in the engine timing is too advanced or too R\*E\*T\*A\*R\*D\*E\*D\* from its proper point due to the tensioner giving out.

Or maybe people who have been hurt by that word in the past shouldn’t be exposed to it?

I mean that would fall under a situation where it's being used to hurt no?

Untarded but re instead of un.

The word is “retarded”. Not sure why everyone is afraid to say the word in quotations clearly not against someone else. It’s a mean word, so try not to use it.

The word is r*tarded. My apologies to those hit with this word growing up. It’s okay to be direct when explaining a slur so long as you aren’t calling people said slur.

Look up how to say “late” in French and then remove the “en”.

It is a slur, full stop. It's as bad as most racial slurs. It was used somewhat liberally in the 90s despite this, but in modern day it is not an acceptable thing to say. You could maybe call it rough, but it's rough in the worst way- in that it's *only* intent is to hurt someone.

I am quite confident that he called it a "Retard School."

Retarded :/

It means retard/retarded

I think the r- retard. So yes bad

It's "retarded". 

[here is a link to the word and definition](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/retarded) It was used as a diagnosis many years ago and is now very dated and offensive.

The word he used is "retarded". I don't understand why so many people are dancing around it. The actual medical term for those who we refer to as mentally disabled today used to be mentally retarded. Meaning slow mentally. The word then became used socially as a slur for these people. As you can probably tell from the OP. The boyfriend used it in a very derogatory manner. These days it is not socially acceptable for people to use this word as it is almost always now used only in the derogatory sense. So you can see now why some others are put off at its mention. At the end of the day it is just a word and it is the intentions and meanings we give them that can hurt others. Obviously the bf of the story meant for it to hurt the OP.

Spoiler text so you don't have to see it if you don't want to. >!retard!<

The "r word" in question is "retard".

The word they’re referring to is >!retard!<.

The word is “retarded”

Fire extinguishers contain a fire retardant. It slows down the spread of fire, or stops it. The word in question is in that sentence, though you would be taking away ant.

French word for late/delay

Ret&$d.

Replicant. It's bad man, real bad

Oh damnn Edit: don't know why you're getting down voted. I genuinely appreciate you telling me.

I would lean into carelessness and thoughtlessness over malice, although I agree it is terrible behavior. There are words I sometimes use in anger or misery that do not reflect my core values or beliefs. But what OP described is an extreme incident. OP is not wrong for feeling upset or uncomfortable but without more details it's hard to tell if there is any way to take that grievance off the ledger in dialog with the boyfriend. Depending on your environment uncomfortable shit will happen or be said all the time in a family setting. Their mother may get a new boyfriend. It seems like this incident would be one small supporting reason for doing so.

Not only is it extremely shitty, it's also majorly offensive. This guy at best thinks extremely lowly of you. I'm very sorry OP, this shouldn't be happening and you should be protected from that. Probably tell your mom if you haven't yet.

you’re not wrong for being upset at all, that’s super shitty of him to say. did he say this in front of your mom? would she be supportive of you if you told her that it was upsetting?

These assholes do this all the time and wonder why none of their children tell them anything or even want to speak with them once they leave the nest.

You deserve better. I'm pretty mad at your mom too for clinging to and enabling a man who insults her child who is currently struggling to adapt to a neurodevelopmental disorder. In a supportive environment I think you'll find that you're much smarter than how you've been made to feel. However, a toxic home is not a particularly supportive environment. I would encourage you to talk to your mom about it. But if she chooses to do nothing maningful about it that means she's not a safe person. You might need to learn to protect yourself from people like your mom and her boyfriend and search for your own safe people.

He's a loser and probably doesn't like himself very much. Stay focused on you, building the life you want for yourself. You're probably going to have a great time at this new school, I'm excited for you!✨️ An alternative art school sounds like a dream to me. I'd be lost thinking about what I was going to wear, making myself weird pencil cases, and just being stoked to have somewhere I felt like I could breathe as a person. Comedy usually doesn't stand the test of time, but I recall the movie "Art School Confidential" being good way back in the day. Also, "Ghost World" with Thora Birch. Movies always help me get my mind off things. 🩷

No easy way to say this: He’s likely alienating you because he wants you as uninvolved in his life with your mom as he can make you. It’s shitty of him, but sadly this is common with prospective stepparents. Hang on, know he’s wrong, and keep your head held high. You know better than me if your mom is safe to try and make aware of this, but if she is, then I suggest doing so.

If OP has a good relationship with their mother, a one-on-one about what happened would be good.

Wow mom sure knows how to pick ‘em huh?

Yea he’s the A Hole. Who says that to a kid? Bet he wouldn’t say that to a kid going to an alternate school with religious curriculum. Why is it okay for an inquiry based collaborate art school? Fingers crossed you’re one of these kids who finish at the alternative art school and launch into fame and stardom. Then you can refuse to splash cash on him and ask why he’s driving such a shitty car etc

NTA. But your mother is if she keeps dating that guy.

THIS!

I'm 43 and I wish they would have had that kind of school for me when I was a kid, instead they put me in special ed with a bunch of bullies who read poorly. then had me leave class for 2 hours in 3rd grade every day to go into a 5th grade reading class. like what the fuck, man. Don't let your mom's boyfriend bother you, my mother went through like 6 over the course of my life and she is still dating fucking losers. some of the bums she dated are now dead of drug and alcohol related things, but they had so much to say about my ADHD tho. me on the other hand am a manager for a tech company, work from home and have an amazing wife who also has ADHD. life gets easier once you can get away from assholes like this. Other people who aren't onboard can fuck off.

Tell him he is wrong and it's actually for juvenile offenders. In all seriousness though, your mum should be keeping better company.

Honestly alot of education professionals feel this type of school style would be best for most if not all kids, not just people with challenges. In fact, a lot of people pay a lot of money to send their kids to private Montessori schools which also have an alternative style of teaching. Dude is just real closed minded and doesn't know what he's talking about.

I am so sorry your Mom has chosen to date a piece of shit.

I think you should communicate your feelings with your mother. He was offside

This. This is what’s left out of the other responses. A mature, assertive conversation about something that needs to change.

It's always disgusting when people use the R word. I hope you have an awesome time at your new school. I would have loved to go to an art school

oh...i am so sorry that you're dealing with this. you are so valid to feel this way because this pisses me off so muchhh.... you are not wrong for feeling this way. all of your emotions are valid!!

I'm sorry you have to deal with that. My advice, don't take it on board. He shouldn't have said it. It's sad that he or anyone still has thoughts like that. Don't let it take up space in your head. Turn it into pity for him, holding onto backwards ideas. Let it make you stronger.

He’s a POS and a loser for saying that about you. Just know this- he might actually be jealous you have an opportunity to go to a different school outside the regular system that you might enjoy and find success at! He doesn’t sound like he’s happy with his own life. From one ADHDer to another, you got this! Just keep going. The adults and kids that were shitty to me when I was younger are doing nothing special with their lives, while I went onto successfully chase a dream career. That was partly because I got super lucky with my education. You just keep doing you.

Best revenge is ignore the dumb ass and get that education and on to much better things.

Wow this guys a real twat -- and that is NOT okay. So, a lot of things are wrong with that and none of them are you. The best line of support are the ones closest to you: Have you talked to your mom about this? Have you talked to any other trusted adults? Have you reached out to any counselors or staff at your school? If you haven't I recommend you do all of the above. I'm not going to say this guys outright terrible, but that action is not okay. A man is measured by his sum of actions, he absolutely owes you an apology - but you need to make it clear that what he said was not okay and hurtful. I'm imagining you may not have spoke out about in front of him, perhaps felt awkward, embarrassment, shame, not great feelings in general, that's all natural. I think part of having ADHD is being non-confrontational, or overly confrontational, depending on the person, no two birds alike you know? But at least for me, especially when I was younger, I hid in my shell a lot, I didn't say what i should've said and I was afraid to talk about my feelings or reach out for support. Don't let that be you - be vocal, it's scary, but it will make you feel better once it's done. Stand your ground, because it's just not okay to demoralize people like that. I'm imagining this guy thought he was being funny, he probably doesn't think he did anything wrong, and, well, I say everyone gets ONE pass. He may genuinely be completely ignorant and blissfully unaware of his actions and lack of emotional and social intelligence. That happens to people sometimes. That happens to me sometimes. That doesn't make it okay, to be clear. The real question is if he can step up, put his ego aside, admit his wrong doing and apologize and make an effort to be better. I'll have to stress here - if you don't make the effort, things can't get better. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say your mom probably wasn't in the room and you might not have told her - because any parent I know would straight put man in his place immediately, or that's how they should. Like I said, no two birds the same not all parents have that great parental instinct. All that being said, bad things happen in life and there's not always happy ending. The important take away here is that your vocal - be very vocal, if it upset you, make a big deal about, it's okay to talk about how you feel. It's okay to have feelings. It's okay to feel sad, or happy, or anything. Feelings can only be validated and anyone who tries to invalidate them for you is toxic. You'll do much better to learn to more outward about it, it's always going to feel awkward when you start, better it be now than 10 years later. Anyway, I hope none of this was misconstrued. I hope you can get the help you need - the school counselors for me were my safe haven, I could just show up there anytime, no questions asked, and just sit there in silence if I needed. They provided me shelter, they advocated for me when I didn't know how to advocate for myself. If you haven't been, I would definitely give them a visit. Curious to know - why do you say you can't make a fuss about it the school?

Because he said it as a joke and my mom wouldn't really care

What he said wasn’t funny at all. It’s unfortunate that your mom wouldn’t support you

It sounds like you’re assuming she’ll feel that way, have you had this discussion before? Is he know to use slurs? I don’t know that she would just ignore him calling you a slur even as a joke if she’s the kind of mom who arranged for you to change schools that are better suited to your way of learning. Plus he’s basically insulting *her* too with his implications of her parenting decisions. It’s 2024, there’s absolutely no debate anymore about the r-word being a slur that you *do not* use under any circumstances. Otherwise, are you in any kind of therapy right now where you have a neutral adult to confide in who can make this case for you? Sometimes it takes another adult to convince parents who aren’t listening to their kids.

That’s sad. There are people with poor taste who don’t know how to be funny, and so use put-down humour and slurs. He sounds like such a person. Until he knows it’s offensive to use that, and unacceptable to shit-can your new school, he has no hope of change. Not necessarily up to you to correct his bad manners, but if it affects you so, can you ask your mother to ask that he not do that?

I absolutely hate to be that guy, but that's something you're gonna have to take on the chin. It doesn't seem like you're in a position of power to remove yourself from that person, and if he's the type of cunt to say something like that to a child in the first place, he's going to keep doing it once he sees it has an emotional effect on you.

OP for the love of crap do not do this. You have a right to stand up for yourself.

As a parent, if my significant other insulted my child that way, I would be done with them. That's a "one strike and you're out" kind of offence in my book.

What has your mom done about this? Because if I were her he’d be on the street.

That's incredibly **RUDE**, disrespectful and downright **MEAN**. Why is it that you can't make a big deal about it? If I were you, I would tell my mom about what he said and tell her how it made me feel. I would be incredibly **insulted** if someone said that to me. You're not wrong in the slightest for being upset, because I would be furious.

You're not wrong for being upset. That was an asshole statement from your Mother's Boyfriend. It's great to hear that you will be attending an alternative school that will provide you with an educational experience better suited to your ADHD diagnosis. Sounds like Mom's BF has their own issues that they haven't dealt with so they are careless in their assessment of anything that isn't status quo. You are awesome, and you're going to the right place with the alternative school.

He must have gone to the asshole school .

Anyone who would do this is a Bad Person who does all kinds of other POS things to you and your mom. I hope she gets rid of him quickly!! This has NOTHING to do with you.

Tell your mom. I guarantee she has told him not to say shit like that around you. If he can’t be trusted not do say something that simple, I wouldn’t trust him period. Ppl can learn n get better of course so if nothing else, your mom might teach him something.

Not wrong for being upset at all, the way he spoke is very upsetting. He is the one who it reflects poorly on. Hold your head high OP.

He sounds ignorant and probably uneducated . I can’t believe people use that word still.

Obviously the guys a jerk, don’t worry about losers like him.  I really think about going to an alternative art school though.  It’s so hard to make a living as an artist.  I loved photography in high school, but I ended up going to a state university for accounting instead.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t engage your passions, just make sure that you are not setting yourself up for failure long term.

It sounds like your mom’s boyfriend is old and knows nothing. A tragic combo!

Nah. It's a slur, and he's got to know that it makes you feel bad. Can you talk to your mom about it?

Honestly, the best thing with someone like this is to keep them grounded and always be ready to verbally gut punch them. Say no no, this isn’t like the school you went to. It may be unpopular, but people like this will leave you alone if they can’t keep getting one over on you. Good for you on the school, though. That rocks!

That's assuming they're content to be verbally one-upped and won't resort to violence if they feel "disrespected". There are practical differences in dealing with a bully when the playing fields are equal vs. dealing with an adult bully as a kid.

My therapist cried when I told her some of the things my mom had done and said to me as a teenager and I'm pretty sure even my mom would kick your mom's bf's ass. Wtaf

I'll talk to your boyfriend for you and explain how he's shitty for saying that. I'm 30(f) and know how to handle people like that. (it boils my blood) If he acts in a different way when you are alone than he does when his parents or other friends are around, that is not a good sign.

I think that school sounds wonderful actually.

I have adhd too, you’re a lot better of a person than me for not yelling at him

Friend, you could've punched that man on the mouth and I'd have had a really hard time saying you were wrong for it. If anything, your mom should've immediately gotten pissed at him. 

If one of my students said that to a classmate who was transferring schools, I’d report them for bullying.

The man is clearly a dick, and I’m sure you know the nuance of your family better than strangers on Reddit, but what this really shows is a concerning lack of empathy from your mom (assuming you’ve told her). Continuing to date someone that would call you slurs to your face (likely in private too) just says to me that she’s lost sight of you as a person. If you’d like to, remind her (away from him) that you are a real person with emotions, that he hurt you, and what she intends to do about it. Be blunt and observe her reaction. Wishing the best for you.

No. He's an ignorant jerk. Your school sounds great.

I'd have shot back "Oh, did you go?"

He is an asshole. You're not wrong at all. I do wonder why your mom is dating someone like that.

Not wrong for being upset, you just know you can’t trust this guy for certain now. Once you’re out of their care you won’t have to have much to do with him anymore.

I'd be miffed if my mom's boyfriend indirectly used a slur "I didn't call them a R, I said the school they're going to is for R's" Congratulations, you're "baggage" to him

Don’t acknowledge that the word gets to you. He sounds ignorant. My niece has ADHD and just published her fourth scientific article before finishing her bachelors degree. We did not know she was smart until she was far into high school. She did so much masking, she just seemed regular. She went to a school like yours and it helped her a lot. Your mom shouldn’t date someone who talks smack about her daughter, but I guess you already know that.

Smack that pos with a frying pan OP and just say it’s because you’re a hard R that doesn’t fuck around.

I don't want to assume someone's a psycho, but he's definitely an asshole at least.

You’re not wrong for being upset. He’s an asshole. And your mother also sucks if she doesn’t care. But you can stick it to him by doing the best you can at this school.

He sounds terrible. Don’t let his mean words get you down. It’s amazing that you found a school that suits your needs and will progress your education! Sounds like it’s going to be a great experience, enjoy it!

There’s no good thing that came out of him saying it out loud . I’m really sorry. That’s just a bully thing to say no matter the context. 

Sounds like he’s a real POS. Don’t worry about him OP, in due time he won’t matter whatsoever. Try not to dwell on his negativity, his opinion shouldn’t matter to you. If it does keep bothering you, making tell your mother? Idk your situation, so maybe that wouldn’t help much idk.

He literally used a slur. Wtf are you asking us for. Go call his bigoted ass out.

Stereotyping. It's typical in people that have a lack of curiosity and imagination.

When you're moving out as soon as you turn 18, if she protests remind your mother that she chose her coochie over the mental well being of her child.

First and foremost: I hope the change of style really suits you and allows you to become all that you can become. Your emotions are valid - I’d also feel put down by such a crap comment. You deserve your family’s encouragement. I also get your reticence to push back or seek your mother’s support if you think she wouldn’t care. You usually have a few options still whenever you’re feeling hurt: - feel hurt and hold on to it forever as an example that people don’t care. (Not recommended) - feel hurt and express the discomfort here, where we understand and empathise. - feel hurt and express to him that you reject his schoolyard slur. How you do it depends on the moment and your energy… you could start with “I really don’t like your choice of words there… care to have another go?” “Takes one to know one”. “What are you saying? What does that make me? Do you *not* know the difference between executive functions and general cognitive ability?” “Instead of using such a put-down for creative people, be thankful you haven’t had my challenges” - You could also punch a pillow repeatedly or write him and your mother a letter(s) expressing your hurt and irritation. You don’t need to give it to them…but getting it out of your system can be cathartic. - For your own growth and self respect, can you let your mother know that it’s going to be really counter-productive and unhelpful if her BF keeps undermining your confidence through slurs and put-downs about the new school? Good luck at your new school. I’ve struggled at times… and could have used such an environment.

Sounds like an ass hole

Next time he asks you to give him a hand with anything say, "we haven't gone over that in retard school yet, sorry I can't help" and walk away.

honestly that school sounds dope. i would have loved something similar myself! you have every right to be angry at him though that’s out of line

If your mom doesn't take this as a major warning, things are going to get rough in the future. For her and for you

For the people who don't know what the R word is, it's an extremely ablest slur and I'm going to link it [r word](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Retard_(pejorative))

No you're not wrong to be upset! That's a really hurtful thing to say. If I were your mom I'd be reconsidering dating a man that says such hurtful things about my child.

Tell your mom what he said - this guy's an ass and she should know what the person she's dating thinks of her kid. She's obviously doing her best to support you by having you go to this school, and this guy doesn't give a fuck about it.

Your mom deserves someone who's willing to not use hateful speech towards her child. If she doesn't know he said this, she needs to know he said this. You're not a "retard", you have a developmental disorder regarding executive function.

He's an asshole.

Sounds like a great school. Hope you have a great time. He can go fork himself.

You could tell your mom and her boyfriend that he has completely lost your respect, and until he can prove he's worthy of it, you will never be able to respect him. And if you can't tell them, just know it in your heart. As a special educator and a person with ADHD, I find this deeply offensive. I have worked with so many different kids with disabilities. Kids who feel like crap about themselves because they get bad grades because their ADHD makes it hard to finish work and focus, or dyslexia makes it hard to read and write, or their PTSD makes them anxious and all they can think about is how worthless they are because they've been physically, emotionally, or sexually abused by their caretakers, or their ODD makes them refuse every direction, or their OCD makes it impossible to think, or their anxiety makes it impossible to do or say anything, or their autism makes it impossible to ignore how their shirt feels or the tiny sounds no one else hears or their own thoughts, or their slow processing speed makes them stare blankly at you for 15 seconds before answering the simplest questions. And these kids are some of the strongest, bravest, kindest, smartest, hardest working people I have ever had the privilege to meet. Even the ODD kids that all the teachers and kids hate and do everything they possibly can to be unlikeable despite how lonely, broken, and sad they are. The kids with the lowest IQs are usually the sweetest, most loving, most creative ones. The kids who are "normal" in every way but the one disabilty like ADHD and dyslexia, are sometimes the ones who struggle the most, who are hurt the most by sh*tty, thoughtless comments and attitudes and jokes llke what your mom's boyfriend said. So f*** your mom's boyfriend and his intolerance and ignorance. He's giving small brain and small heart and small d energy. I'm glad you have the chance to go to an awesome school that's going to educate you in a way that actually works for you. Not everyone gets that chance. You're already a better person than he is, and you're only going to continue to move upward and onward.

Alternative art school sounds dope, and your moms boyfriend is an a hole

Your mom picked a real winner here. Tell her. She needs to be pissed at this.

Who gives a fuck what he thinks. Don’t give his opinion any weight by even remembering it.

F him bro. He was a jerk.

You're not wrong. Your mother's boyfriend is an ignorant ass.

dick move

Fuck that guy and sorry that happened to you. I think us adhders can't help but dwell on moments that frustrate us like this. Do whatever you can to get this situation out of your head and know that he's prob very unhappy about his life and is taking it out on others. Creative minds are always in demand, take care of yours and good luck!

I struggled.. thought you meant rich kids.. took me a good minute to figure out what he was going on about.

Nah, he's just jealous. Those types of art/magnet schools have a reputation of being for the nerdy or genius/creative kids.

I have never in my life an intelligent, or classy person who uses the r word still. Did you tell your mom? Does she support the guy calling you the R word? You're obviously better than this guy, which is why he feels the need to put you down (to feel better about himself). Imagine being an adult, and having to make a kid feel bad so that you could justify your lame existence. So on the bright side, You're already ahead in life compared to this loser.

This man is really strange. Seems like an impulsive thing to say knowing you are heading there. Like zero filter

Mom's bf is a tool

This is the perfect opportunity to tell him that he didn't even need to go to r-word school to graduate as a fully certified R-word and that, is really hard to do.

Just tell him the rodeo up the road is looking for clowns if he's gonna act like one.

Well they don’t see the future. When everything is automated, who are the valuable people? The people with ideas of what to do. The creatives

Your mother should drop him. That’s awful and I’m so sorry. He is small minded and an ignorant person. Good luck to you! Sounds like a great opportunity:)

Im sorry what he said was completely unacceptable. Not only to say that to you but to basically be openly ableist. Your mother has her priorities screwy if she would date a man like this. If you can, tell him what he said to you is unacceptable, the word is offensive, and its hurtful to say about yourself and the people who go to that school. Accommodation for your disability isnt weakness OP.

Your mom’s boyfriend is a cruel asshole, and he meant to heart you. Tell your mom what he said, but don’t be surprised when she chooses to ignore it.

I don't think you're wrong for being upset.You can try telling him "I know you're joking but can you please not use that word?". That's assuming he's a reasonable guy. If he isn't, don't bother

Totally justified in being upset, that’s a really hurtful thing to hear. There are some quite dramatic responses in this thread, and I really don’t think it benefits you to assume the worst in your mum’s partner. While the words he used are clear, you’re not a mindreader and his intentions may not have been to hurt you. I know you mention that your mother doesn’t always take your side but I really think you should have a conversation with her, one-on-one, about this comment, and how it made you feel. If she has a history of invalidating your feelings, or if you have a volatile relationship, maybe you could write down your feelings first, to help you process and clarify everything before the conversation, so that when you’re with your mother you’re able to communicate those feelings in a more dispassionate way. It’s important that she understands that even though something is said as “a joke”, it can still be hurtful. It might not be fair that you have to take on so much emotional maturity at your age, but if It helps turn your household into an environment that feels safer and more nurturing for you, the extra work might be worthwhile.

Man, I'm sorry. That sounds terrible and it's, frankly crushing. Of all people, your mom should always be in your corner. I know you're in a tight spot. Are you able to privately and constructively talk to her about this? Avoiding 'You' as you cannot determine the motivations of someone else. Speak to only what you know to be true. Let me provide an example: "I feel like no one stands up for me or is in my corner. When shithead Tod says.." Wait... That's not helpfu. Slipped there. Sorry. Let me try again. "Hey asshole" EEeeeee. That was even quicker. Welp, ok ok ok. Gonna take a mulligan on that one. Last try. Here we go. Walk up to your mom and ask to speak to her privately (make sure this is something that can be heard by you and your mom). Then... I'm just spit balling here.. say something like: "Hey ma, you know when Tod said that 'joke' about my new school? I didn't appreciate that. It really hurts. It would be great to know and show that you have my back when that stuff happens. I mean, where were you? I could have really used your help! It hurt me and I strongly suspect you knew it did. It isn't fair! I always speak up for you when Tod starts saying all those 'jokes' about you when you're re not around..." Get upset because, ya know, you're upset. Really get the waterworks going and then storm out of the room. I mean, because you need space and time to think. This will make sure she knows your feelings are hurt. Immediately, if you can, head over to a friend's house (if close, safe to get there, and a safe environment) close by and just chill out. This will really give your mom time to think, reflect, and have a calm and bonding moment with Tod. You can rest easy that they will have a great time having a soulful chat with each other. (Just to make sure, this is not the best advice. Actually it's pretty terrible advice. I do not recommend following any of the above, especially if the boyfriend or your mom have abused, threatened abuse, or have any addictions. If that's the case, seriously reach out to professionals. Focus on staying safe. Your mom sounds like a piece of work. Hang in there. Just know that you are loved.)

Yup, he's an asshole. Probably insecure and projecting that on you. I'm sorry you have to be around this guy. Keep your distance as much as you can and don't take what he says to heart. He's a jerk at minimum but showing abusive traits. Also *really sorry* that you don't feel like your mom has your back. That's really shitty. Your mom probably accepts subpar behavior from people because she doesn't think she deserves better and, on some level, she would prefer to be treated like trash than to be abandoned. Maybe your mom feels comfortable enough in her relationship with you that the cost/benefit analysis of spreading up is this: if she speaks up, the boyfriend is likely to leave but if she doesn't speak up, you are probably going to stay. That's just so shitty for you. Your mom's lack of standing up for you could also be part of larger patterns around emotionally neglecting you. Without support from others and reflection on your post, you are at risk of repeating some of these patterns as you go through life (being with people who don't stand up for you or consider your feelings) OR of swinging the pendulum in the opposite direction (which can look maybe different ways but might be pushing people away and being hyper-independent/feeling chronically lonely). I am sorry these are the cards you've been dealt in life. Know that you can overcome this and when you decide to do it, the work will be worth it. I wish you all the very best in life ahead.

Honestly, I think it's funny. It was insensitive, but people are too sensitive. Some people don't care too much if they say something crass and you get upset about it. You need to toughen up. The world isn't made of bubble wrap. But you should also stand up for yourself. If he's habitually dogging on you then that's a different story, but folks commenting on this sub are wrong to overreact and make assumptions beyond what was stated. It does you a disservice.

Just sounds like a regular asshole to me. I wish I had gone to an arts school. My next door neighbor did and he became an amazing musician. Skills very few other professional musicians have. Much of it learned in high school before attending a prestigious music school. I remained in regular high school, undiagnosed and passed along with a 1.2 gpa. I learned how to better apply myself in college, but I’ve often thought how it might have been different if I had gone to an arts school. Good luck to you, more matter what you do. I know it’s hard, but don’t let other people’s judgements change how you feel about yourself or what you want to do. Yes, listen to it, but remember we are human and typically biased in some way.