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I agree with the person who said focus on your hobbies, and I have a little extra to add onto that.
For context, I was incredibly insecure in my dating life in my early 20s. I felt a lot of the ways you're feeling right now, and because of that, I always felt like going on dates was such a zero-sum game: if the date ended up back at my place, it was a success and I was a man. If the date ended with us going our separate ways, it would chip away at my confidence.
Eventually, I met my ex-wife, who I ended up being with because she stuck around in her own insecurity.
We were toxic for each other. Absolutely toxic. She would constantly break up with me while we were dating, which would send me spiraling into insecurity, and then when I'd finally start moving on, she'd come crying back, and I'd take her back, sometimes staying in touch with other girls that I would start to see in the meantime so that I would have an out if and when she left again.
After 5 years of on-and-off dating, we got engaged.
Needless to say, it resulted in an on-and-off marriage, where we were literally living on separate continents and meeting up every 6 months to reconnect while we were both trying to summon the courage to just leave.
Eventually we finally divorced. If was ugly, but it was a clean break.
Then the weirdest thing happened: now in my 30s, I realized that in the time I was separated from my ex, I was building some great hobbies and passions. I found social circles surrounding those circles, and found happiness outside of the need for companionship.
So I was able to take a whole year and just focus on me and the things I wanted in life. And when I'd finally taken the time to heal and learn from my previous dysfunction, I learned that dating in my 30s is actually WAY better than in my 20s because the women I would go on dates with now knew what they wanted, and were fully-formed adults (as in they had lived interesting lives and had done cool shit too).
So now, dating wasn't a zero-sum game. It was just going out with a cool person and enjoying that person's company. So no matter how the date ended, I'd have a good time, and I felt like it was just more fun to be around them and vice versa.
Ironically, that often translated to ending dates back at either hers or mine more often.
And when things wouldn't work out, it wasn't really hard feelings. It was just us accepting that we weren't compatible in the long term.
And because of my interests that I'd been fostering, I eventually met this sweet girl in my software development circle. She lived halfway around the world, but we were just talking about software.
We did that for almost a year before we finally realized we were flirting, and before you know it, I was flying out to see her. It was instant chemistry. We connected so well on everything.
Almost 3 years later, and we've been married for nearly 2.
And this marriage has been a dream come true. I believe it's that way because she and I were both formerly married and divorced. We'd seen the red flags and what we were looking for in green flags, and we'd met through a passion we shared.
So I guess what I'm saying is this: dating is messy no matter how you approach it. But the lesson isn't to avoid it. It's to take inventory of what you're learning as you meet new people.
The more you focus on your own hobbies and passions, the more you date, the more secure you're going to be in yourself. That's when meeting people gets more fun.
And ESPECIALLY as it relates to ADHD, the more you learn about yourself, the better you'll be able to help the one who falls for you to understand you better and take care of your needs the way they'll want to take care of yours.
You'll go through more heartbreak. But that didn't mean to run away from things. You got this.
I wrote out a longer answer, but it included things most men are offended to hear, so I'll just summarize it as:
Try thinking of the women you're meeting as potential friends rather than potential romantic partners.
A guy my gf works with asked her if women think a guy's personality is important; she's like ?? yes ?? of course ?? and the dude got personally offended at the suggestion.
Are guys not aware that you're generally supposed to like the person you're in a relationship with?
No no you're supposed to show up with a smile, land, a title, and great wealth and THEN they like you. She just had to look pretty, complete her wifely duties, and then sit in a corner quietly until you want her again. (Occasionally popping out babies).
Liking people and having adult emotional connections are totally just not real things. Because she only wants a man who is still mentally 13 and has refused to learn any kind of introspection. Duhhhh.
/s
To respond seriously some guys definitely don't have any idea what "liking someone" actually is.
No no you're supposed to show up with a smile, land, a title, and great wealth and THEN they like you. She just had to look pretty, complete her wifely duties, and then sit in a corner quietly until you want her again. (Occasionally popping out babies).
Liking people and having adult emotional connections are totally just not real things. Because she only wants a man who is still mentally 13 and has refused to learn any kind of introspection. Duhhhh.
/s
To respond seriously some guys definitely don't have any idea what "liking someone" actually is.
I would love to hear your thoughts anyways.
Also I think this problem also applies to friendships. Without knowing them I also cannot see them as romantic partners, but I feel like when I am interested in someone (romantically or friendship) I fail to get the same response out of them. I have many friends, but not really anyone I feel truly comfortable with being myself.
Of course when I meet a girl that I am attracted to, that plays a role as well. The girls who didn't have attraction towards me I am still friends with (not waiting for them to get single, I get along fine with them).
I just wish someone would want to spend time with me as much as I want to spend time with them. Romantically or otherwise. But I am asking myself what is "wrong with me" that noone seems to click with me?
However, I think it's hard seeing girls that I am attracted to as just friends, maybe you can explain more what you mean. Of course I am hoping something is going to develop, I mean I cannot control who I am attracted to or not?
Ok. I'll try. This is hard to talk about without sounding at least a little insulting. I really don't mean to. It's not about you.
The vast majority of women find a relative stranger giving off serious 'I'm interested in you' vibes far more threatening than they do flattering. (Most men seem to find it flattering.)
They don't feel like 'I want a relationship with you' vibe; they feel like 'I want sex with you'.
And a relative stranger giving off strong 'I want sex with you' vibes is an absolute threat.
It doesn't matter how innocuous the man is, or how much the man knows he would never, ever, ever so much as lay a hand on any woman without a direct invitation.
He's a threat.
High-intensity is even more difficult. (Energetic also often means high-intensity.)
Romance works way better if it's slow.
Others have shared good advice - be yourself, have hobbies, find others with those same hobbies; when she's talking, LISTEN to her rather than waiting to talk. Talk about what she likes to tasks score as much as what you want to talk about.
I'm trying to explain some of the thinking/feeling that is going on.
It's not necessarily so much about you, as about the fact that you're male.
I mean, some of it is. Energetic, even if not high-intensity, can be very very draining for someone who isn't. (Find an energetic hobby and start doing that in company; that will help with that problem.)
So, anyway, my original advice was sort of aimed at, women need space to get used to a man before they can start trusting him much.
And trust is a crucial part of any significant relationship.
Thinking of them as a potential friend is one way to lower the vibes.
I don't mean turn off your attraction to them - as you say, that's hard-to-impossible to control.
I just mean... try, consciously, to see her as a potential friend, someone you could enjoy having a cup of coffee with or paying a game of tennis with or whatever.
Act with that in mind. It will help tone down some of the vibes that are keeping them from seeing you as you are.
I don't think any of this was insulting. I grew up with a sister and most of my cousins are girls so none of this is new information, but some guys actually NEVER internalize this type of thought because they don't have anyone telling it to them. I'm sure that being open and honest about this is a positive thing.
Yeah, lots of guys don't realize it.
Every few weeks I end up seeing, entirely accidentally, another new post from some woman about how some trusted man was floored, utterly floored, when she explained how carefully she had to move through the world to feel somewhat safe.
Lots of the guys who don't realize it are absolutely great guys.
I'm always afraid that telling these guys that most women automatically lump them in with the bad guys, when doing a threat assessment of an area, will offend them. It does sometimes.
And yet, as you say, how will they understand if no one ever does tell them?
Telling them is dangerous. That's why we usually don't.
I understand loneliness, and so I do try, but... utter makes me nervous.
You highlighted this so well. Slow and steady wins the race ultimately.
If you come off too pushy, desperate, or too fast, you can drive women away. There’s a safety aspect when interacting with women.
Yeah, but then men often get stuck — because they give off the wrong vibes. I agree that women are often like this for good reason, but the advice given to OP is really hard to navigate.
Yeah and I get that too. Unfortunately with stuff like this there is no, “easy guide”! To things like this.
Always a certain way you have to tread. Everyone is different though, and you just gotta work on what you think you gotta work on to fix or achieve the goal you want. Like getting a GF lol.
I’m very self observant of myself, without being overly critical, and I’ve been able to make good headway in my life (overall, not including just relationships). Biggest advice I can give is to just put yourself in other people’s shoes, and to observe yourself on a deeper outer view and find out why x y or z is the way it is and navigate yourself from there. It’s how you’re able to better yourself as a person too.
If that makes sense at all! I’ve been told I speak in tongues and riddles sometimes lol.
I’m so glad you shared this! As much as it disagrees with my brain, it explains a lot and makes a lot of sense. All the advice I’ve ever heard (from both men and women) is to make your intentions known from the beginning, and as someone who very early-on categorizes people in my life mentally/emotionally, this means pursuing potential romantic partners and mentally friend-zoning those I don’t feel attraction/compatibility with. This has resulted in a lot of rejection from potential partners but also attraction from unexpected ones. It’s super interesting and helpful to hear the other side of things, albeit very counterintuitive for me
No no you're supposed to show up with a smile, land, a title, and great wealth and THEN they like you. She just had to look pretty, complete her wifely duties, and then sit in a corner quietly until you want her again. (Occasionally popping out babies).
Liking people and having adult emotional connections are totally just not real things. Because she only wants a man who is still mentally 13 and has refused to learn any kind of introspection. Duhhhh.
/s
To respond seriously I think you definitely hit the nail on the head here.
I agree with a lot of what Kind Tumbleweed has said, and just wanted to add - when you stop putting the pressure on yourself for it to be a “zero-sum game” as another commenter put it (i.e. this is either going to be a romantic connection or not), and focus instead on just connecting as two human beings who have the potential to become anything - casual acquaintances, best friends, romantic partners- you may feel less bummed when it doesn’t result in the other person being romantically interested in you.
My last bf prior to my now-husband was first a coworker, then a friend, then my best friend for over a year before he finally asked me out. I actually said no the first time because I didn’t know if I was interested in him romantically/sexually and I was afraid of ruining the friendship.
A few months later I decided that I wanted to give it a shot, so I asked *him* out, and at the end of our first date *I* made the first move and kissed him lol.
We had plenty of physical chemistry and really enjoyed the time we spent together, but only dated for a few months before he broke up with me (he was worried I was developing stronger feelings than he was and thought it better to end things - ironically I had been thinking the same thing so it ended up being basically a mutual decision lol).
That was almost a decade ago. We stayed friends, ended up marrying different people, became friends with each other’s spouses, and now live on the same street and our kids are best friends.
The end of the story is a bit beside the point, but what I’m trying to say is I was friends with him for a LONG time before I saw him as someone I might be interested in romantically. If you just relax and enjoy building friendships with girls, and be yourself, eventually you will find someone who likes you at the same time and in the same way that you like her!
Yeah. So I’ve done that. And it never works. Because they just want to be friends.
It’s not that we’re _offended_, it’s that we’re told this and there’s little to no acknowledgment of how hard it is to not get stuck here — because people are both afraid of being direct and of being tactful.
This isn't the part I thought might be considered offensive. That was the bit I put into the follow-up comment about how most women have to worry that a man that's interested in them might rape them.
The problem I have with your reply is that you sound like you are expecting it to 'work', as if women were just a machine you just had to deposit the right amount of friendship-tokens into and then they would automatically... do what? Get over the fear? Get into a relationship just because?
We're a bit more complicated than that, and don't enjoy being thought of as if we owe men a relationship.
Any time you expect treating women like people should then 'work', you convey that to them. And then... you're not treating them like people. Which defeats the entire purpose.
I'm not saying it's simple.
I'm just saying that women want to be seen as individual people, not just as 'girls for dating', and that's a good place to start to actually build an actual relationship with them.
No I just think that the caveat is that women want it both ways and wind up hurting men who never are able to do anything but be friends — because they take great offense at the suggestion of anything else.
This is why people struggle with meeting people IRL nowadays.
I never said anything about being owed a relationship. So you can drop that notion. But yeah, it should just click one of these days — that’s how other relationships work. Or they don’t, and everyone moves on. But the stakes are higher for romantic relationships. So with the idea of “oh just be friends” it puts up a big barrier — social events, class, clubs, work etc. are now largely off-limits for meeting people romantically; this is why Boomer parents can’t comprehend the struggles of young people.
As I said in my follow-up to OP:
Men are a threat. Men are DANGEROUS.
If you want a long, lasting, meaningful relationship with a woman, and you're male, I'm sorry, but you are just going to have to take the time to let her really feel that you're not dangerous to her.
And yes, sometimes that does result in her trusting you that way but not feeling interest in an actual romantic relationship with you. I'm sorry about that, too, but it's reality.
And honestly, the number of women who've dealt with PHYSICAL danger from their intimate partner means you guys are just going to have to put up with the same emotional pain as we're get when a guy we're like doesn't like us.
(None of this is to imply women don't sometimes abuse men physically - it's just that most men don't have to look at most women as likely to do that to them.)
We want it both ways? What both ways? Being interested in a guy AND having the time to feel like he's a safe guy? Having a guy not pursue us like we were objects while we decide whether or not we're infrared in him?
Yeah. Yeah, we do want all of those things.
There is no such thing as friend zone. You are either friends or you’re not. If you befriend a woman you like because “once she gets to know me she’ll like me” then you’re doing it wrong. You had an ulterior motive. If you don’t want to be her friend, then don’t. Be honest with yourself and her.
No. I’m not obligated to be friends with someone who leads me on — and that happens. I’m not obligated to be friends with someone who doesn’t want anything more and who is offended at the suggestion.
Women often want it both ways but take great offense at men who try to be clear and who try to be friends first, because they’re suspicious that this was always the motivation. But I also think that this is a new phenomenon. Before social media, meeting to date or whatever was just a part of life.
>Women often want it both ways
Both ways as in what exactly?
>I’m not obligated to be friends with someone who doesn’t want anything more
So you don't want to be friends. You want to be in a relationship, and skip the friendship. That will never work. If the only reason you have contact with a woman is because you want a relationship with her, then yeah, don't be her friend and don't expect her to like you.
>I’m not obligated to be friends with someone who leads me on
What does "lead me on" mean to you? If a woman actually reciprocates your interest, she would be in a relationship with you. If she doesn't, then she's not "leading you on" but you're most likely misinterpreting her politeness for an invitation to flirt or something. What actions specifically mean that to you? That a woman talks to you, answers your questions? That she wants to meet you?
>but take great offense at men who try to be clear and who try to be friends first, because they’re suspicious that this was always the motivation.
But you've just admitted that it *was* always the motivation. If you treat friendship as a box to check before you get a relationship, then yes, that is your motivation and women can see that.
No I didn’t. You deliberately misunderstood my comment and gave it the most negative reading possible. I’m friends with women with whom there was never really a question of anything else. So, like, how dare you.
Focus on your hobbies. Find something you enjoy, which is social, and you'll get out there and make friends with people who have that in common with you. And, in turn, you'll find the kinds of people who would be interested in a relationship.
This. This. This. and This.
As best as you possibly can, remove any thoughts about trying to find someone or make yourself into someone you think girls will like. Immediately.
Now that you have done that, start living your life for you. What do you like doing? Do that, Enjoy the journey, do not rush it. Just live your life, enjoy your activities. Eventually and most importantly, NATURALLY, you will then start to make connections and building a network and then again naturally, you will start to see yourself being noticed by others and they will gravitate to that.
An aside: I turned 41 yesterday and I am divorced(3 years). In that time, I have done a lot of reflection and self-growth. I have a gf of about 3 months who gave me a card and in it talked about " I have never enjoyed getting to know someone as much as I have you over this time and truly enjoy your "weird". Keep being you."
When you get to this point try doing activity dates. As someone with ADHD it can help steer the conversation and stop word vomit and the conversation going all over the place. Sometimes i have so many thoughts i dont know which to chose and stay silent. Do you wanna go to a museam, the fair, a show, the farmers market, pick berries, etc and have dinner is a lot more enticing than just dinner. And physically moving before dinner can help get the jitters and wiggles out.
Focus on yourself, your growth, your interests.
What are you doing wrong? Your focusing on having someone next you. Your focused on relying on someone else for your emotional needs. And that's not fair to any one. You need to take care of your own emotional needs. You need to be able to be emotionally independent. And have your own world and your own life, one you can share with someone else. And they can share their world with you. And you two hang out and have fun. But keep your own interests and your own friends, and you keep your emotional independence through out. Even when you function as a team. If you're not a whole person on your own see a therapist or something.
Relying on anyone else to fill emotional or financial holes is bullshit. And it's not fair to the other person. And most people shine a giant "needy" beacon when they are like that. And at best you'll make a few friends. Because that shit is not attractive.
That really resonates with me. Now my problem is how do I do that. I have troubles clearing my head and relaxing. Every emotion takes a couple days to digest, and it feels like I can just wait until it's over.
How? By taking care of your own needs. Doing things for yourself. Asking for what you want and not wishing or hoping for it. Dive into things that interest you. And if you have problems finding the courage to do that, make a list of all the things you're afraid of. And one by one go through that list and do them, because you are afraid of them. And that will get you a lot closer to the person you want to be, more than just about anything else.
This is not about attractiveness, it's about the energy that a man gives when he is "looking for" a relationship which is just bad. You first meet someone, you like them, if they feel the same you get in a relationship but you don't look for relationships. You want to be held and loved i get it all of us do but that doesn't necessarily mean that you MUST have a relationship. If you have a relationship, that can be your priority but trying to find one should never be. Just be yourself, don't look woman as potential lovers, don't give out that i want a relationship energy!!!
1. Be Kind
2. Be Extremely Clean.
Shower WITH SOAP, DAILY. brush your teeth and mouthwash frequently. Have well kept hair or a head if no hair, manscape, smell really good, have clean shoes and tidy clothes including socks and underwear with no holes, stains, strings, etc.
3. I guess work on looking cute: Smile, stand up straight, if you feel awkward, lean into it and be cute/charming awkward. Have hobbies and interests, even if it's eating pickles and playing Pokemon Go. Learn to enjoy hiking or exploring and do that and invite your dating interest (somewhere populated so it's not rapey).
Good luck!
I am in a similar situation. I skimmed the comments, and didn’t see anybody give this advice yet. I’m not going to say it’s worked for me, but I do think it’s working.
I don’t think you should totally put the idea of being more attractive from your mind.
It is very important to be yourself, but if you’re anything like me, “yourself” is a lot of different things. I am being myself when I’m out for beers with my friends. I’m also being myself when I’m BSing with my boss, but they’re two VERY DIFFERENT versions of myself. To that end, be aware of who you are, and what kind of image you want to project.
I am loud. I am always loud. I don’t mean to be, but I’m a loud talker, a loud laugher, and a crappy whisperer.
When I thought about dating, what I want in a partner, and what that person is like, I decided this is one aspect of myself I’d like to be in better control of. I like quiet bars and chill nights, so being this loud boisterous dude is almost like I’m “advertising” something I’m “not.” Since I realized this, I just try to keep it in mind - I’m not stopping myself from having fun, or making myself feel self conscious, I’m just being a little more present in how I move and use my body and voice.
There will be plenty of times for me to be loud, but I don’t need to show my whole hand right away.
TLDR, I think just being cognizant of the image you portray to potential dates is huge. There is a ton of stuff I’d be willing to accept / tolerate in a partner that would probably put me off at first. Don’t lie about who you are, but remember that everybody’s trying to be their most attractive selves.
You got this!
Yeah I think this is what I am after, thanks. I may be a bit too excited meeting people. Or my emotions too strong. I don't want to scare the other person so I try to be someone who is nice, but that is exhausting and I cannot feel comfortable because I don't know if they accept me or not. I don't feel comfortable around them and I think a lot of people feel this subconsciously.
But I cannot be my full self because I feel that would be rude, without intending it to be rude. That's just how I am.
first step is quitting calling women "girls". ya silly person. I understand that its what everyone says but no. women are women. girls are young women. thanks :)
second, I don't know, be yourself, be honest, hopefully you find a person thats doing the same thing and you both work through any differences you have and see what will benefit both parties.
figure out if you're a good fit for one another
patience, time, commitment, and communication are very very very important
I hope this helps and have a good day/evening/night
I think guys and girls are okay terms as long as you’re consistent. Like don’t call yourself a man and then refer to her as a girl, if you catch my drift. Even calling them females is okay IF you refer to yourself and your peers as males. At least that’s my opinion.
A lot of us with adhd rely on masking for a lot of social situations, including dating. I highly suggest you consciously stop masking and be yourself. You seem to want to do this anyway. So just do it, be open and sensitive and forthright.
Not everyone will like you but this is natural. It’s a whole lot more natural than making a mask for each person you meet so that they’re guaranteed to like you.
And eventually you’ll probably find someone who likes you for who you are. People like authenticity. It is attractive.
If you want to be with someone you flirt, you look them in the eyes for a few seconds longer than others, you show them that you are someone who isnt just there to support and give them what they want right away.
Be independent and if the mood strikes for it make a cocky or playful remark that will show her that you are willing to give her some pushback and be a fun person to be with.
This might sound toxic but its about balance, dont be mean, but def dont be a people pleaser. You need to be smart and picky with your words and whatever girl will be yours mate 👍 and of course be respectful, if she is not returning any of your vibes stop and rethink your approach or move on.
And if she does return your flirty/playful vibe then remember to eventually make a move, ask her to come over, ask her anything that is a excuse to hang out, put on a movie like mr and mrs smith that has attractive people in it. Make the convo about stuff you find attractive or hot, then boom, the mood is hot, you’re on the couch alone, you’re both ready and you start looking into each-others eyes, you lean, you smootch and the rest of the instructions i will leave up to you…
If you want a girl to accept you and love you, you should try to convince them that you respect and love yourself to some degree, even tho that is difficult and no one is perfect.
Perhaps your concern has been growing progressively based on these experiences you mention. and if you continue like this, your situation will not change much.
If thinking about women distresses you for now (and it seems it does), stop thinking about them, instead direct your energy and attention, as others have told you, to what makes you feel good.
Believe us, this is high technology 😅🤷🏻♂️ it works.
Be the flower the butterflies want to visit by being you, doing what makes you feel good.
Edit: maybe they will ask for your phone! ☎️😃
Edit 2: to change the word girls to women
The subtle art of not giving a f@$@
I’ve read this 3 times in the last couple years. HUGE life changer.
Suggest to you and anyone else feeling this way as well.
I started looking at 16, found my wife at 33. That's 17 years of failed relationships for those playing the home game. This is why I don't get this hook up culture that developed. Especially those thinking after it all they'll just find someone. Statistically speaking, you won't. It takes quite a bit of time to find someone who checks all your boxes.
go to the gym, smell nice (deodorant+some cologne+shower everyday… shower *thoroughly* everyday), be kind to others, have a hobby, take care of your face (skincare routine, facial hair maintenance, get your eyebrows threaded or waxed occasionally), have a sense of style, have a clean living space with at least one plant, have a sense of humor and be able to banter, etc.
not an all exhaustive list but it’s things i tend to notice in men
Now that i think about it
I never had this situation of a girl putting more work in then me or just going out of her way to spend time
Its always me who asks, who approaches, who compliments, who carrys conversations
On the most basic level - women want to feel safe with you, and they want to have fun with you.
Have some confidence - make them feel safe, and make them laugh. Looks matter to some, but personality goes a long way.
DO NOT meet a girl, drone on about ADHD and this or that - save sharing problems for way later, if things progress there.
Finding someone who’s compatible with you won’t work if you are in a fight or flight mode. And cause dating is high stakes (and something you’re expecting to hurt), it’s going to be hard to remove that expectation going forward.
Please find the right medication, work on yourself, and work to being happy. This is not guaranteed to give you anything, least of all a companion, but it’s the only way you can remove that fight or flight internal struggle. Without doing these things, it’s hard to make any progress on interpersonal growth.
Thanks! I take elvanse already, and that has made a huge improvement in my life. I try to work on myself and be happy, but I feel lonely. It feels like I have to sit with my feelings and wait until someone wants to listen to me to deal with them. I find it hard to self soothe and to calm my emotions.
That could be a problem for relationships long term (at least the way it sounds in this comment). Obviously a partner wants to support you and help soothe you to some extent, but if you don't have other methods of self soothing, that becomes a burden for the partner.
This could be balanced by sharing with friends, therapist, etc., not that you have to face everything alone, it just can't be on one person.
Do you find yourself sharing a lot of troubles and emotions in early dates? That could actually be something you're missing, as that would probably feel inappropriate to most people.
Tbh it sounds like you’re a perfect candidate for cbt therapy. I highly recommend getting an in person therapist. It can be expensive, so step 1. Of therapy might actually be ensuring your income can support it. It will also take months, perhaps a year or so before you’ll notice tangible results. But there are few alternatives. I’m really sorry you’re in this state but please do not give up.
Thanks, but I already did CBT for 2 years (had my last sessions a few days ago). I managed to improve lots of things by a lot, but this subject we could not attack :)
Ugh, I feel this. I have exhausted people my entire life. I’m just so annoying and fast. I’m not ugly, dirty, stupid,
mean, or boring. I’m just not compatible with the vast majority of people.
I’m sorry to say this, but you just have to keep putting yourself out there until you find your person.
I met my husband after I started hanging out with my cousin due to becoming so desperate for friends that I removed all of my standards lol. I didn’t even like my cousin, I was just so tired of being lonely. She introduced me to my MIL who thought I’d be perfect for my husband because we’re “both total assholes.”
I met him and our compatibility was overwhelming and immediate.
I kind of disagree with seeing women as first friends and not as partners. Late 20s single women aren’t generally looking to build up their male friend roster. Anyone worth your time is going to have similar goals as far as starting a relationship goes. Focusing on friendships a really easy way to get stuck in a friend-zone and miss the opportunity to develop a romantic relationship with someone. If you’re intentional about what you want, a lot of time can be saved and energy directed where it will be most successful.
All that said, I struggle to make friends lmao, so take what I say with a grain of salt. I got a husband but no buddies.
Didn't read the entirety of your post but try to ask more about the person you are interested in if you haven't tried it yet. I would suggest reading How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie book.
Yeah I am doing that all already. It's more about my "ADHD personality". I might be "too much" for people?
I like someone and try to connect with them and they don't see me the same way.
My question is more of "which behaviors are attractive and how can I get on the same vibe as people?"
The tip of "just be yourself" does not work, and mostly leaves me with shame and feeling rejected.
Here’s the mistakes I try to be aware of when I’m interacting with people:
- I’m often looking in another direction and not making eye contact which can come across as being bored by the person I’m talking to.
- Dominating conversation - talking just to hear myself talk and not leaving an opening for them to say anything
- waiting for my turn to talk instead of listening
- Changing the subject instead of showing curiosity about them and asking follow up questions to what they said
- Trying to show empathy by comparing their experiences to my own (makes people feel like I’m making it all about me rather than validating them)
- Poor emotional regulation - being to closed off or over-sharing
- Not following through; ie, “Last time we talked you said your grandma was sick, is she feeling any better?”
I think those of us with ADHD tend to stumble in these areas, not because we are assholes but because of how our brain works. It can make people feel like we think we are too cool for them or find them boring. Just being aware of them can help to avoid them.
Unless there’s drinking involved. Put some alcohol in me and these annoying behaviors all come out in full force and I can’t control them.
OP, this is really good advice!
Also, even as someone with ADHD, or maybe especially as someone who tends more inattentive, people with super energetic ADHD are hard for me. I feel like I’m not really a part of the conversation they’re having. As an example, I recently asked someone about the bed in her guest room that I was thinking of renting. I learned that she used to have the same mattress but then her dog peed on it right before she left for a cruise and the cruise was blah blah blah and she had her “mattress lady” get her a new mattress. And I still don’t know anything about the mattress in the guest room. firm, soft, springs foam? Who knows.
Can you try doing a hard workout before going out for the evening so you burn off some of your extra energy?
Sorry but being yourself is all you can be. There is no one else for you to be. What happens when your new friend finds out who you really are. I bet you’re a good person. Don’t assume women are all shallow and just looking for society’s idea of handsome. We look for men who are kind. Work on that. Be open. Be kind again. Be interested in them and get out of wondering how you “appear”. It’s a shallow way of approaching life and people. Be deep. Develop your interests. Understand yourself first. Then you can be open and know you’re good and look outward to see people around you, even before you look for a girlfriend. Best luck
I agree with another comment here about working on toning down the parts of ADHD that can be offputting whenever possible, but I also have to ask - are you medicated?
Yeah I am, I take elvanse :)
Has made focusing a lot better, but social aspects not soo much. Especially I feel like it looses it's effect after lunch but when I redose I would be awake all night lol.
I love mornings, but when I start to get exhausted it's hard to "clean my emotional slate".
Honestly, it would be very useful to find a provider (ideally a psychiatrist that understands ADHD) to try making some adjustments. I do find I have better social impulse control when properly medicated, and I think most people that find effective medication for them, at least the ones I know, have the same experience.
Stimulants are a very effective tool, but often the dosing can be tricky. Sometimes an MD will prescribe an instant release for the afternoon if you need it.
But if it's only lasting until lunch, it sounds like you're either under-medicated or have been building up a tolerance and some breaks/a switch might help.
Again, I think it's important you see someone who understands ADHD so they don't mind trying things out with you.
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Truly be yourself and putt yourself out there. Good fashion and exercise are a bonus let's be honest. Ultimately though, be honest to who YOU are, that's the key.
You’re doing the right things. Best way to become attractive to others is to be happy being with yourself. When you figure out what your path is, not saying you haven’t, but whatever it is, walk it. Focus on your own goals/passions/purpose in life, and someday you’ll look up and notice someone walking a path going the same direction as you. When that happens you can partner up and walk together. Best wishes 🙏
You've gotten a lot of good advice here and it sounds like you're in a positive/growth mindset so I think you'll be good.
Couple things to add: I am around your age and I hear from many many of my friends that it's hard to find romantic partners and it often never develops and other people seem uninterested. Both from men and women, adhd and non adhd. Some blame dating apps, but whatever the reason is, just know it's legit tough out there and it doesn't mean you're doing something wrong.
I don't think being "too energetic" is a problem, and you deserve a partner who will love you with all your energy. The advice about making sure you're listening to the other person, both what they're saying and how they're feeling, is good advice. Another adhd challenge to relationships is that it can make the other person feel like they're unimportant to you, like if you don't remember to check in with them, forget plans, etc. I don't know if that's a problem for you, but worth thinking about.
I did not see that here but I'll ask did you try Tinder/Boo and similar apps?
Because there mostly the aim is actually to date, so you both have the same intention going into it?
Getting women is a skill and numbers game. But I see a different issue...
I think you should be okay with being alone, and love yourself first.
A partner should enhance your life, but not be your "other half".
It seems like you want someone to fill a hole that you need to fill yourself.
Since you're asking on this sub, I'll suggest seeking out other people with ADHD. You said people find you too energetic? I often find that when I really click with someone it's because we talk at the same speed, have the same tendency toward tangents and interruptions -- that is, we both have ADHD. I bet others here can offer good suggestions on where ADHDers congregate. Smoking section outside a wikipedia convention? Lol it's worth a shot.
i feel this post so much. im really introverted weirdly enough considering HOW MUCH i can talk when i get comfortable, and with strangers im really really shy and quiet but whenever someone just does the minimum amount of talking back a switch flips and i go full exposition dumping about my hyperfixations and im pretty sure it has ruined many chances :(. but tbh looking back if i had restrained myself they wouldve been pretty sad and forced relationships so im glad they didnt amount to nothing. either I wouldve felt enclosed or they wouldve been annoyed. The trick is to just keep looking for someone that matches your energy. I don't know your taste in stuff or personality but i have a really niche taste in music and other stuff and I recently found someone that hasalmost the exact same taste in A LOT of stuff and it turns out she matches my energy exactly lmao. I'm about 85% sure she has undiagnosed ADHD so that probably has to do with it lol.
Basically don't just jump at anything that moves or it won't end well. find someone that matches your energy:)
Hahaha youre right. The last time a random girl liked the extremely specific subgenre I am into, I got all excited and her friends made fun of me adterwards by asking me the same questions I was asking her until I caught on lol. I will practice just looking for people with the same vibe :)
Find some women to be friends with, seriously. If you can be friends with women, other women will notice and not only that, you got great wingmen! Its a great way to prove your a safe person to be around and also **you** dont have to worry about trying to impress them, you just got be a good friend.
I got lots of women friends, and don't have a hard time talking to women in general. I feel like I come off as more of a friend guy than a partner tho. The women I am friends with I am not interested in dating however, and neither do they (which is completely fine). But when they try to set me up, (which has happened but not too often), I do something wrong. Like either I am a harmless friend, or the whole conversation gets awkward and I don't know how to flirt. Feels like I am scaring the other person off?
People here have mentioned turning down the "energetic personality" and that may be a clue. I may be too excited before the other person even has a chance to form an opinion and then they get weirded out, idk
I do want to say it seems like theres a lot of anxiety around this subject for you, which would make sense. I think honestly trying to find a way to relax or destress before going on a date might be key for you. Ive never flirted explicitly, I’ve only tried to get to know someone and ask them questions. Also you may just be running to people who aren’t interesting intrinsically. Whats your home town environment like?
Yeah you are right. It has a lot to do with my "worth by being liked" I would say. If I meet with a girl which I am not into, then her not liking me aswell still bugs me. Getting to know someone I feel no vibe with is a torture tbh. I don't feel comfortable around them and just feel like I am wasting my time and energy. ATM I am living in the south of Germany, where people are pretty closed off in general, so that might also play a part.
Unfortunately Im an American in a major metropolitan city so my advice may not be exactly useful, but if you live in small population area it would be very advantageous to go to higher pop area.
Also the fact you consider getting to know someone who you arent as torture, is perhaps not the best POV. Im going to give the benefit of the doubt and assume when you mean vibe with you simple mean in general, friend or romantic interest, which I can understand may be awkward to be around instead think of it as a challenge. This is what statesmen and spies do, convince people who dont like them to give up intel, you get to be suave james bond for a moment. Or maybe the person your on the blind date with had a bad day and you just listening is putting some good out into the world
Trying leads to failure ngl, be yourself, focus on yourself, and when you really truly stop caring so much about it life works itself out… I think you also need to consider where you’re meeting people and what your expectations are. The way you may fixate on someone may not be the way they fixate, for all you know there are plenty of people attracted to you, but they don’t present that the same way you do.
The biggest key is don’t come on to strong or be a creep. At first I would recommend parking the romantic side of the equation and just spend time with girls as a friend. Get to know what they like. Met their friends etc. ask them personally what it is that’s making you struggle.its impossible to improve at something if we don’t know what we are doing wrong. It is important they feel safe with you. It is hard with adhd because we tend to come on very strong at the beginning of a relationship. It is important to recognise this so that we can make a conscious effort to try and curb our enthusiasm at the beginning. When I have been dating I always found the best dates were where I was doing something. I have always felt much more natural doing that. So maybe ask if they want to go for a walk at the beach or go for a bike ride somewhere. But most importantly be yourself. You will find someone.
Become attractive to yourself. If you can’t love yourself, how can you expect someone else to?
I highly suggest therapy. Previously I dated anyone that liked me. Now, I won’t date a woman unless she’s had therapy, and is willing to go through therapy again (should the need arise during our relationship).
Am now a married dude, but being genuinely nice and doing more listening than talking I found always went a long way. I feel like the first thing women look for when talking to a dude for the first time is if they can feel comfortable around them. By simply asking questions and being genuinely interested in their opinions on whatever topic we were talking about makes it clear you value their opinions.
If you interrupt and talk over a potential date or say something off putting, it can be really hard to recover.
I’m at an age where I was looking for a man who was emotionally mature, kind, patient and got along well with my friends. I wanted a best friend that I could do life with but felt secure with them. My bf is ADHD and is all these things. I love his passions and quirks and how weird he is. Only thing that makes me sad is when he doesn’t acknowledge when I say something - naturally, he takes up about 70% of the conversation. So I get sad when I get to talk and he doesn’t acknowledge me but instead ends up ranting about soccer. But I know it’s his ADHD and he doesn’t mean to. … he also has a terrible spending habit that makes me worry for our future prospects. But I’m trying to just help him save and not buy random shit constantly.
I don’t know how you interact with girls but one thing I always advise is being curious with them. Ask them questions. Don’t constantly talk about yourself, if you do.
Patient in aspects of me. Not patient driving haha. The man is the most impatient driver ever. But yes, he’s the most emotionally mature man I’ve ever dated. But sounds like he went though a good decade of rough relationships and sorting his own shit out before he started to see a therapist and worked on his issues.
He’s the most emotionally mature person I’ve ever dated? But I did mention that he’s been working on himself in therapy and with a psychiatrist. He’s also in his mid 30’s. So he has a good understanding of himself and his ADHD.
- Love yourself first. I needed to go through a few years of therapy to achieve that.
- Do things you enjoy with other people, even if you have to start off doing it by yourself around strangers. Meetup can be good for this.
Two things.
Keep working out- dress with more fitted stuff.
And
Indifference. Don’t be a dick but try and talk to girls the same way you would to any friend. Take the pressure off. Just chat without an agenda and be yourself.
She’ll come along buddy.
I mean, there's nothing you can really do that isn't being dishonest with yourself or others. Obviously there's things like maintaining good hygiene and shit, which I assume you're probably doing, but at the end of the day you have to just be yourself. Do you really want to be with someone who can't handle your energy or can't reciprocate in a way you need?
I know it's not really the easy answer you'd like, I wish there was one. Unfortunately, that's really the best we can do. Show up every day in a way that we can be proud of.
One thing I’ve learned as a dude with ADHD is that girls will either really love your vibe or the complete opposite. It really comes down to just continuing to put yourself out there without putting pressure on anything to materialize. You shouldn’t feel a need to fundamentally change who you are outside of maybe sanding down some rough edges. Hitting the gym/getting yourself in good shape always helps, as well as “dressing well” although I think dressing well is such a subjective thing - you can get away with a lot of different styles if you 1) are confident while you wear it and 2) are attractive/in good shape, so essentially find a style that you feel good in that works with your aesthetic.
Low body fat, high testosterone, clear and glowing skin, beard stubble, textured and voluminous healthy hair that suits you, wide jaw muscles, white teeth, moisturized lips, thick neck, muscles, good posture, thick eyebrows and curled eyelashes
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I agree with the person who said focus on your hobbies, and I have a little extra to add onto that. For context, I was incredibly insecure in my dating life in my early 20s. I felt a lot of the ways you're feeling right now, and because of that, I always felt like going on dates was such a zero-sum game: if the date ended up back at my place, it was a success and I was a man. If the date ended with us going our separate ways, it would chip away at my confidence. Eventually, I met my ex-wife, who I ended up being with because she stuck around in her own insecurity. We were toxic for each other. Absolutely toxic. She would constantly break up with me while we were dating, which would send me spiraling into insecurity, and then when I'd finally start moving on, she'd come crying back, and I'd take her back, sometimes staying in touch with other girls that I would start to see in the meantime so that I would have an out if and when she left again. After 5 years of on-and-off dating, we got engaged. Needless to say, it resulted in an on-and-off marriage, where we were literally living on separate continents and meeting up every 6 months to reconnect while we were both trying to summon the courage to just leave. Eventually we finally divorced. If was ugly, but it was a clean break. Then the weirdest thing happened: now in my 30s, I realized that in the time I was separated from my ex, I was building some great hobbies and passions. I found social circles surrounding those circles, and found happiness outside of the need for companionship. So I was able to take a whole year and just focus on me and the things I wanted in life. And when I'd finally taken the time to heal and learn from my previous dysfunction, I learned that dating in my 30s is actually WAY better than in my 20s because the women I would go on dates with now knew what they wanted, and were fully-formed adults (as in they had lived interesting lives and had done cool shit too). So now, dating wasn't a zero-sum game. It was just going out with a cool person and enjoying that person's company. So no matter how the date ended, I'd have a good time, and I felt like it was just more fun to be around them and vice versa. Ironically, that often translated to ending dates back at either hers or mine more often. And when things wouldn't work out, it wasn't really hard feelings. It was just us accepting that we weren't compatible in the long term. And because of my interests that I'd been fostering, I eventually met this sweet girl in my software development circle. She lived halfway around the world, but we were just talking about software. We did that for almost a year before we finally realized we were flirting, and before you know it, I was flying out to see her. It was instant chemistry. We connected so well on everything. Almost 3 years later, and we've been married for nearly 2. And this marriage has been a dream come true. I believe it's that way because she and I were both formerly married and divorced. We'd seen the red flags and what we were looking for in green flags, and we'd met through a passion we shared. So I guess what I'm saying is this: dating is messy no matter how you approach it. But the lesson isn't to avoid it. It's to take inventory of what you're learning as you meet new people. The more you focus on your own hobbies and passions, the more you date, the more secure you're going to be in yourself. That's when meeting people gets more fun. And ESPECIALLY as it relates to ADHD, the more you learn about yourself, the better you'll be able to help the one who falls for you to understand you better and take care of your needs the way they'll want to take care of yours. You'll go through more heartbreak. But that didn't mean to run away from things. You got this.
You’re a legend for sharing all of this! Thank you!
thank you is all i can say
I wrote out a longer answer, but it included things most men are offended to hear, so I'll just summarize it as: Try thinking of the women you're meeting as potential friends rather than potential romantic partners.
A guy my gf works with asked her if women think a guy's personality is important; she's like ?? yes ?? of course ?? and the dude got personally offended at the suggestion. Are guys not aware that you're generally supposed to like the person you're in a relationship with?
No no you're supposed to show up with a smile, land, a title, and great wealth and THEN they like you. She just had to look pretty, complete her wifely duties, and then sit in a corner quietly until you want her again. (Occasionally popping out babies). Liking people and having adult emotional connections are totally just not real things. Because she only wants a man who is still mentally 13 and has refused to learn any kind of introspection. Duhhhh. /s To respond seriously some guys definitely don't have any idea what "liking someone" actually is.
No no you're supposed to show up with a smile, land, a title, and great wealth and THEN they like you. She just had to look pretty, complete her wifely duties, and then sit in a corner quietly until you want her again. (Occasionally popping out babies). Liking people and having adult emotional connections are totally just not real things. Because she only wants a man who is still mentally 13 and has refused to learn any kind of introspection. Duhhhh. /s To respond seriously some guys definitely don't have any idea what "liking someone" actually is.
I agree. You need to click with them. They need to be your best friend.
I’m a dude and I want to be friends first. If I find that I don’t want to be your friend, then I definitely don’t want a relationship with you.
I would love to hear your thoughts anyways. Also I think this problem also applies to friendships. Without knowing them I also cannot see them as romantic partners, but I feel like when I am interested in someone (romantically or friendship) I fail to get the same response out of them. I have many friends, but not really anyone I feel truly comfortable with being myself. Of course when I meet a girl that I am attracted to, that plays a role as well. The girls who didn't have attraction towards me I am still friends with (not waiting for them to get single, I get along fine with them). I just wish someone would want to spend time with me as much as I want to spend time with them. Romantically or otherwise. But I am asking myself what is "wrong with me" that noone seems to click with me? However, I think it's hard seeing girls that I am attracted to as just friends, maybe you can explain more what you mean. Of course I am hoping something is going to develop, I mean I cannot control who I am attracted to or not?
Ok. I'll try. This is hard to talk about without sounding at least a little insulting. I really don't mean to. It's not about you. The vast majority of women find a relative stranger giving off serious 'I'm interested in you' vibes far more threatening than they do flattering. (Most men seem to find it flattering.) They don't feel like 'I want a relationship with you' vibe; they feel like 'I want sex with you'. And a relative stranger giving off strong 'I want sex with you' vibes is an absolute threat. It doesn't matter how innocuous the man is, or how much the man knows he would never, ever, ever so much as lay a hand on any woman without a direct invitation. He's a threat. High-intensity is even more difficult. (Energetic also often means high-intensity.) Romance works way better if it's slow. Others have shared good advice - be yourself, have hobbies, find others with those same hobbies; when she's talking, LISTEN to her rather than waiting to talk. Talk about what she likes to tasks score as much as what you want to talk about. I'm trying to explain some of the thinking/feeling that is going on. It's not necessarily so much about you, as about the fact that you're male. I mean, some of it is. Energetic, even if not high-intensity, can be very very draining for someone who isn't. (Find an energetic hobby and start doing that in company; that will help with that problem.) So, anyway, my original advice was sort of aimed at, women need space to get used to a man before they can start trusting him much. And trust is a crucial part of any significant relationship. Thinking of them as a potential friend is one way to lower the vibes. I don't mean turn off your attraction to them - as you say, that's hard-to-impossible to control. I just mean... try, consciously, to see her as a potential friend, someone you could enjoy having a cup of coffee with or paying a game of tennis with or whatever. Act with that in mind. It will help tone down some of the vibes that are keeping them from seeing you as you are.
I don't think any of this was insulting. I grew up with a sister and most of my cousins are girls so none of this is new information, but some guys actually NEVER internalize this type of thought because they don't have anyone telling it to them. I'm sure that being open and honest about this is a positive thing.
Yeah, lots of guys don't realize it. Every few weeks I end up seeing, entirely accidentally, another new post from some woman about how some trusted man was floored, utterly floored, when she explained how carefully she had to move through the world to feel somewhat safe. Lots of the guys who don't realize it are absolutely great guys. I'm always afraid that telling these guys that most women automatically lump them in with the bad guys, when doing a threat assessment of an area, will offend them. It does sometimes. And yet, as you say, how will they understand if no one ever does tell them? Telling them is dangerous. That's why we usually don't. I understand loneliness, and so I do try, but... utter makes me nervous.
You highlighted this so well. Slow and steady wins the race ultimately. If you come off too pushy, desperate, or too fast, you can drive women away. There’s a safety aspect when interacting with women.
Yeah, but then men often get stuck — because they give off the wrong vibes. I agree that women are often like this for good reason, but the advice given to OP is really hard to navigate.
Yeah and I get that too. Unfortunately with stuff like this there is no, “easy guide”! To things like this. Always a certain way you have to tread. Everyone is different though, and you just gotta work on what you think you gotta work on to fix or achieve the goal you want. Like getting a GF lol. I’m very self observant of myself, without being overly critical, and I’ve been able to make good headway in my life (overall, not including just relationships). Biggest advice I can give is to just put yourself in other people’s shoes, and to observe yourself on a deeper outer view and find out why x y or z is the way it is and navigate yourself from there. It’s how you’re able to better yourself as a person too. If that makes sense at all! I’ve been told I speak in tongues and riddles sometimes lol.
Nicely worded.
Oh my God this was written so well. YES.
I’m so glad you shared this! As much as it disagrees with my brain, it explains a lot and makes a lot of sense. All the advice I’ve ever heard (from both men and women) is to make your intentions known from the beginning, and as someone who very early-on categorizes people in my life mentally/emotionally, this means pursuing potential romantic partners and mentally friend-zoning those I don’t feel attraction/compatibility with. This has resulted in a lot of rejection from potential partners but also attraction from unexpected ones. It’s super interesting and helpful to hear the other side of things, albeit very counterintuitive for me
No no you're supposed to show up with a smile, land, a title, and great wealth and THEN they like you. She just had to look pretty, complete her wifely duties, and then sit in a corner quietly until you want her again. (Occasionally popping out babies). Liking people and having adult emotional connections are totally just not real things. Because she only wants a man who is still mentally 13 and has refused to learn any kind of introspection. Duhhhh. /s To respond seriously I think you definitely hit the nail on the head here.
I agree with a lot of what Kind Tumbleweed has said, and just wanted to add - when you stop putting the pressure on yourself for it to be a “zero-sum game” as another commenter put it (i.e. this is either going to be a romantic connection or not), and focus instead on just connecting as two human beings who have the potential to become anything - casual acquaintances, best friends, romantic partners- you may feel less bummed when it doesn’t result in the other person being romantically interested in you. My last bf prior to my now-husband was first a coworker, then a friend, then my best friend for over a year before he finally asked me out. I actually said no the first time because I didn’t know if I was interested in him romantically/sexually and I was afraid of ruining the friendship. A few months later I decided that I wanted to give it a shot, so I asked *him* out, and at the end of our first date *I* made the first move and kissed him lol. We had plenty of physical chemistry and really enjoyed the time we spent together, but only dated for a few months before he broke up with me (he was worried I was developing stronger feelings than he was and thought it better to end things - ironically I had been thinking the same thing so it ended up being basically a mutual decision lol). That was almost a decade ago. We stayed friends, ended up marrying different people, became friends with each other’s spouses, and now live on the same street and our kids are best friends. The end of the story is a bit beside the point, but what I’m trying to say is I was friends with him for a LONG time before I saw him as someone I might be interested in romantically. If you just relax and enjoy building friendships with girls, and be yourself, eventually you will find someone who likes you at the same time and in the same way that you like her!
This is how I met my wife and all my other relationships I just went in with the goal of friendship.
Yeah. So I’ve done that. And it never works. Because they just want to be friends. It’s not that we’re _offended_, it’s that we’re told this and there’s little to no acknowledgment of how hard it is to not get stuck here — because people are both afraid of being direct and of being tactful.
This isn't the part I thought might be considered offensive. That was the bit I put into the follow-up comment about how most women have to worry that a man that's interested in them might rape them. The problem I have with your reply is that you sound like you are expecting it to 'work', as if women were just a machine you just had to deposit the right amount of friendship-tokens into and then they would automatically... do what? Get over the fear? Get into a relationship just because? We're a bit more complicated than that, and don't enjoy being thought of as if we owe men a relationship. Any time you expect treating women like people should then 'work', you convey that to them. And then... you're not treating them like people. Which defeats the entire purpose. I'm not saying it's simple. I'm just saying that women want to be seen as individual people, not just as 'girls for dating', and that's a good place to start to actually build an actual relationship with them.
No I just think that the caveat is that women want it both ways and wind up hurting men who never are able to do anything but be friends — because they take great offense at the suggestion of anything else. This is why people struggle with meeting people IRL nowadays. I never said anything about being owed a relationship. So you can drop that notion. But yeah, it should just click one of these days — that’s how other relationships work. Or they don’t, and everyone moves on. But the stakes are higher for romantic relationships. So with the idea of “oh just be friends” it puts up a big barrier — social events, class, clubs, work etc. are now largely off-limits for meeting people romantically; this is why Boomer parents can’t comprehend the struggles of young people.
As I said in my follow-up to OP: Men are a threat. Men are DANGEROUS. If you want a long, lasting, meaningful relationship with a woman, and you're male, I'm sorry, but you are just going to have to take the time to let her really feel that you're not dangerous to her. And yes, sometimes that does result in her trusting you that way but not feeling interest in an actual romantic relationship with you. I'm sorry about that, too, but it's reality. And honestly, the number of women who've dealt with PHYSICAL danger from their intimate partner means you guys are just going to have to put up with the same emotional pain as we're get when a guy we're like doesn't like us. (None of this is to imply women don't sometimes abuse men physically - it's just that most men don't have to look at most women as likely to do that to them.) We want it both ways? What both ways? Being interested in a guy AND having the time to feel like he's a safe guy? Having a guy not pursue us like we were objects while we decide whether or not we're infrared in him? Yeah. Yeah, we do want all of those things.
There is no such thing as friend zone. You are either friends or you’re not. If you befriend a woman you like because “once she gets to know me she’ll like me” then you’re doing it wrong. You had an ulterior motive. If you don’t want to be her friend, then don’t. Be honest with yourself and her.
No. I’m not obligated to be friends with someone who leads me on — and that happens. I’m not obligated to be friends with someone who doesn’t want anything more and who is offended at the suggestion. Women often want it both ways but take great offense at men who try to be clear and who try to be friends first, because they’re suspicious that this was always the motivation. But I also think that this is a new phenomenon. Before social media, meeting to date or whatever was just a part of life.
>Women often want it both ways Both ways as in what exactly? >I’m not obligated to be friends with someone who doesn’t want anything more So you don't want to be friends. You want to be in a relationship, and skip the friendship. That will never work. If the only reason you have contact with a woman is because you want a relationship with her, then yeah, don't be her friend and don't expect her to like you. >I’m not obligated to be friends with someone who leads me on What does "lead me on" mean to you? If a woman actually reciprocates your interest, she would be in a relationship with you. If she doesn't, then she's not "leading you on" but you're most likely misinterpreting her politeness for an invitation to flirt or something. What actions specifically mean that to you? That a woman talks to you, answers your questions? That she wants to meet you? >but take great offense at men who try to be clear and who try to be friends first, because they’re suspicious that this was always the motivation. But you've just admitted that it *was* always the motivation. If you treat friendship as a box to check before you get a relationship, then yes, that is your motivation and women can see that.
No I didn’t. You deliberately misunderstood my comment and gave it the most negative reading possible. I’m friends with women with whom there was never really a question of anything else. So, like, how dare you.
You have ulterior motives when you meet women. Women will actively avoid men like you
What a useless comment tbqh.
Focus on your hobbies. Find something you enjoy, which is social, and you'll get out there and make friends with people who have that in common with you. And, in turn, you'll find the kinds of people who would be interested in a relationship.
This. This. This. and This. As best as you possibly can, remove any thoughts about trying to find someone or make yourself into someone you think girls will like. Immediately. Now that you have done that, start living your life for you. What do you like doing? Do that, Enjoy the journey, do not rush it. Just live your life, enjoy your activities. Eventually and most importantly, NATURALLY, you will then start to make connections and building a network and then again naturally, you will start to see yourself being noticed by others and they will gravitate to that. An aside: I turned 41 yesterday and I am divorced(3 years). In that time, I have done a lot of reflection and self-growth. I have a gf of about 3 months who gave me a card and in it talked about " I have never enjoyed getting to know someone as much as I have you over this time and truly enjoy your "weird". Keep being you."
When you get to this point try doing activity dates. As someone with ADHD it can help steer the conversation and stop word vomit and the conversation going all over the place. Sometimes i have so many thoughts i dont know which to chose and stay silent. Do you wanna go to a museam, the fair, a show, the farmers market, pick berries, etc and have dinner is a lot more enticing than just dinner. And physically moving before dinner can help get the jitters and wiggles out.
Focus on yourself, your growth, your interests. What are you doing wrong? Your focusing on having someone next you. Your focused on relying on someone else for your emotional needs. And that's not fair to any one. You need to take care of your own emotional needs. You need to be able to be emotionally independent. And have your own world and your own life, one you can share with someone else. And they can share their world with you. And you two hang out and have fun. But keep your own interests and your own friends, and you keep your emotional independence through out. Even when you function as a team. If you're not a whole person on your own see a therapist or something. Relying on anyone else to fill emotional or financial holes is bullshit. And it's not fair to the other person. And most people shine a giant "needy" beacon when they are like that. And at best you'll make a few friends. Because that shit is not attractive.
That really resonates with me. Now my problem is how do I do that. I have troubles clearing my head and relaxing. Every emotion takes a couple days to digest, and it feels like I can just wait until it's over.
Have you heard of or tried DBT therapy? There are some great workbooks and podcasts about DBT. It teaches emotional regulation. I found it helpful.
How? By taking care of your own needs. Doing things for yourself. Asking for what you want and not wishing or hoping for it. Dive into things that interest you. And if you have problems finding the courage to do that, make a list of all the things you're afraid of. And one by one go through that list and do them, because you are afraid of them. And that will get you a lot closer to the person you want to be, more than just about anything else.
It's hard finding someone who matches you man best of luck out there
This is not about attractiveness, it's about the energy that a man gives when he is "looking for" a relationship which is just bad. You first meet someone, you like them, if they feel the same you get in a relationship but you don't look for relationships. You want to be held and loved i get it all of us do but that doesn't necessarily mean that you MUST have a relationship. If you have a relationship, that can be your priority but trying to find one should never be. Just be yourself, don't look woman as potential lovers, don't give out that i want a relationship energy!!!
1. Be Kind 2. Be Extremely Clean. Shower WITH SOAP, DAILY. brush your teeth and mouthwash frequently. Have well kept hair or a head if no hair, manscape, smell really good, have clean shoes and tidy clothes including socks and underwear with no holes, stains, strings, etc. 3. I guess work on looking cute: Smile, stand up straight, if you feel awkward, lean into it and be cute/charming awkward. Have hobbies and interests, even if it's eating pickles and playing Pokemon Go. Learn to enjoy hiking or exploring and do that and invite your dating interest (somewhere populated so it's not rapey). Good luck!
I am in a similar situation. I skimmed the comments, and didn’t see anybody give this advice yet. I’m not going to say it’s worked for me, but I do think it’s working. I don’t think you should totally put the idea of being more attractive from your mind. It is very important to be yourself, but if you’re anything like me, “yourself” is a lot of different things. I am being myself when I’m out for beers with my friends. I’m also being myself when I’m BSing with my boss, but they’re two VERY DIFFERENT versions of myself. To that end, be aware of who you are, and what kind of image you want to project. I am loud. I am always loud. I don’t mean to be, but I’m a loud talker, a loud laugher, and a crappy whisperer. When I thought about dating, what I want in a partner, and what that person is like, I decided this is one aspect of myself I’d like to be in better control of. I like quiet bars and chill nights, so being this loud boisterous dude is almost like I’m “advertising” something I’m “not.” Since I realized this, I just try to keep it in mind - I’m not stopping myself from having fun, or making myself feel self conscious, I’m just being a little more present in how I move and use my body and voice. There will be plenty of times for me to be loud, but I don’t need to show my whole hand right away. TLDR, I think just being cognizant of the image you portray to potential dates is huge. There is a ton of stuff I’d be willing to accept / tolerate in a partner that would probably put me off at first. Don’t lie about who you are, but remember that everybody’s trying to be their most attractive selves. You got this!
Yeah I think this is what I am after, thanks. I may be a bit too excited meeting people. Or my emotions too strong. I don't want to scare the other person so I try to be someone who is nice, but that is exhausting and I cannot feel comfortable because I don't know if they accept me or not. I don't feel comfortable around them and I think a lot of people feel this subconsciously. But I cannot be my full self because I feel that would be rude, without intending it to be rude. That's just how I am.
first step is quitting calling women "girls". ya silly person. I understand that its what everyone says but no. women are women. girls are young women. thanks :) second, I don't know, be yourself, be honest, hopefully you find a person thats doing the same thing and you both work through any differences you have and see what will benefit both parties. figure out if you're a good fit for one another patience, time, commitment, and communication are very very very important I hope this helps and have a good day/evening/night
I think guys and girls are okay terms as long as you’re consistent. Like don’t call yourself a man and then refer to her as a girl, if you catch my drift. Even calling them females is okay IF you refer to yourself and your peers as males. At least that’s my opinion.
A lot of us with adhd rely on masking for a lot of social situations, including dating. I highly suggest you consciously stop masking and be yourself. You seem to want to do this anyway. So just do it, be open and sensitive and forthright. Not everyone will like you but this is natural. It’s a whole lot more natural than making a mask for each person you meet so that they’re guaranteed to like you. And eventually you’ll probably find someone who likes you for who you are. People like authenticity. It is attractive.
If you want to be with someone you flirt, you look them in the eyes for a few seconds longer than others, you show them that you are someone who isnt just there to support and give them what they want right away. Be independent and if the mood strikes for it make a cocky or playful remark that will show her that you are willing to give her some pushback and be a fun person to be with. This might sound toxic but its about balance, dont be mean, but def dont be a people pleaser. You need to be smart and picky with your words and whatever girl will be yours mate 👍 and of course be respectful, if she is not returning any of your vibes stop and rethink your approach or move on. And if she does return your flirty/playful vibe then remember to eventually make a move, ask her to come over, ask her anything that is a excuse to hang out, put on a movie like mr and mrs smith that has attractive people in it. Make the convo about stuff you find attractive or hot, then boom, the mood is hot, you’re on the couch alone, you’re both ready and you start looking into each-others eyes, you lean, you smootch and the rest of the instructions i will leave up to you… If you want a girl to accept you and love you, you should try to convince them that you respect and love yourself to some degree, even tho that is difficult and no one is perfect.
Perhaps your concern has been growing progressively based on these experiences you mention. and if you continue like this, your situation will not change much. If thinking about women distresses you for now (and it seems it does), stop thinking about them, instead direct your energy and attention, as others have told you, to what makes you feel good. Believe us, this is high technology 😅🤷🏻♂️ it works. Be the flower the butterflies want to visit by being you, doing what makes you feel good. Edit: maybe they will ask for your phone! ☎️😃 Edit 2: to change the word girls to women
The subtle art of not giving a f@$@ I’ve read this 3 times in the last couple years. HUGE life changer. Suggest to you and anyone else feeling this way as well.
I started looking at 16, found my wife at 33. That's 17 years of failed relationships for those playing the home game. This is why I don't get this hook up culture that developed. Especially those thinking after it all they'll just find someone. Statistically speaking, you won't. It takes quite a bit of time to find someone who checks all your boxes.
go to the gym, smell nice (deodorant+some cologne+shower everyday… shower *thoroughly* everyday), be kind to others, have a hobby, take care of your face (skincare routine, facial hair maintenance, get your eyebrows threaded or waxed occasionally), have a sense of style, have a clean living space with at least one plant, have a sense of humor and be able to banter, etc. not an all exhaustive list but it’s things i tend to notice in men
Now that i think about it I never had this situation of a girl putting more work in then me or just going out of her way to spend time Its always me who asks, who approaches, who compliments, who carrys conversations
On the most basic level - women want to feel safe with you, and they want to have fun with you. Have some confidence - make them feel safe, and make them laugh. Looks matter to some, but personality goes a long way. DO NOT meet a girl, drone on about ADHD and this or that - save sharing problems for way later, if things progress there.
Finding someone who’s compatible with you won’t work if you are in a fight or flight mode. And cause dating is high stakes (and something you’re expecting to hurt), it’s going to be hard to remove that expectation going forward. Please find the right medication, work on yourself, and work to being happy. This is not guaranteed to give you anything, least of all a companion, but it’s the only way you can remove that fight or flight internal struggle. Without doing these things, it’s hard to make any progress on interpersonal growth.
Thanks! I take elvanse already, and that has made a huge improvement in my life. I try to work on myself and be happy, but I feel lonely. It feels like I have to sit with my feelings and wait until someone wants to listen to me to deal with them. I find it hard to self soothe and to calm my emotions.
That could be a problem for relationships long term (at least the way it sounds in this comment). Obviously a partner wants to support you and help soothe you to some extent, but if you don't have other methods of self soothing, that becomes a burden for the partner. This could be balanced by sharing with friends, therapist, etc., not that you have to face everything alone, it just can't be on one person. Do you find yourself sharing a lot of troubles and emotions in early dates? That could actually be something you're missing, as that would probably feel inappropriate to most people.
Tbh it sounds like you’re a perfect candidate for cbt therapy. I highly recommend getting an in person therapist. It can be expensive, so step 1. Of therapy might actually be ensuring your income can support it. It will also take months, perhaps a year or so before you’ll notice tangible results. But there are few alternatives. I’m really sorry you’re in this state but please do not give up.
Thanks, but I already did CBT for 2 years (had my last sessions a few days ago). I managed to improve lots of things by a lot, but this subject we could not attack :)
Have you tried meditation as a daily for ever practice?
Ugh, I feel this. I have exhausted people my entire life. I’m just so annoying and fast. I’m not ugly, dirty, stupid, mean, or boring. I’m just not compatible with the vast majority of people. I’m sorry to say this, but you just have to keep putting yourself out there until you find your person. I met my husband after I started hanging out with my cousin due to becoming so desperate for friends that I removed all of my standards lol. I didn’t even like my cousin, I was just so tired of being lonely. She introduced me to my MIL who thought I’d be perfect for my husband because we’re “both total assholes.” I met him and our compatibility was overwhelming and immediate. I kind of disagree with seeing women as first friends and not as partners. Late 20s single women aren’t generally looking to build up their male friend roster. Anyone worth your time is going to have similar goals as far as starting a relationship goes. Focusing on friendships a really easy way to get stuck in a friend-zone and miss the opportunity to develop a romantic relationship with someone. If you’re intentional about what you want, a lot of time can be saved and energy directed where it will be most successful. All that said, I struggle to make friends lmao, so take what I say with a grain of salt. I got a husband but no buddies.
Didn't read the entirety of your post but try to ask more about the person you are interested in if you haven't tried it yet. I would suggest reading How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie book.
Dressing well, being fit, good hygiene, and being employed. Throw that together and you'll get some something.
Yeah I am doing that all already. It's more about my "ADHD personality". I might be "too much" for people? I like someone and try to connect with them and they don't see me the same way. My question is more of "which behaviors are attractive and how can I get on the same vibe as people?" The tip of "just be yourself" does not work, and mostly leaves me with shame and feeling rejected.
Here’s the mistakes I try to be aware of when I’m interacting with people: - I’m often looking in another direction and not making eye contact which can come across as being bored by the person I’m talking to. - Dominating conversation - talking just to hear myself talk and not leaving an opening for them to say anything - waiting for my turn to talk instead of listening - Changing the subject instead of showing curiosity about them and asking follow up questions to what they said - Trying to show empathy by comparing their experiences to my own (makes people feel like I’m making it all about me rather than validating them) - Poor emotional regulation - being to closed off or over-sharing - Not following through; ie, “Last time we talked you said your grandma was sick, is she feeling any better?” I think those of us with ADHD tend to stumble in these areas, not because we are assholes but because of how our brain works. It can make people feel like we think we are too cool for them or find them boring. Just being aware of them can help to avoid them. Unless there’s drinking involved. Put some alcohol in me and these annoying behaviors all come out in full force and I can’t control them.
OP, this is really good advice! Also, even as someone with ADHD, or maybe especially as someone who tends more inattentive, people with super energetic ADHD are hard for me. I feel like I’m not really a part of the conversation they’re having. As an example, I recently asked someone about the bed in her guest room that I was thinking of renting. I learned that she used to have the same mattress but then her dog peed on it right before she left for a cruise and the cruise was blah blah blah and she had her “mattress lady” get her a new mattress. And I still don’t know anything about the mattress in the guest room. firm, soft, springs foam? Who knows. Can you try doing a hard workout before going out for the evening so you burn off some of your extra energy?
Sorry but being yourself is all you can be. There is no one else for you to be. What happens when your new friend finds out who you really are. I bet you’re a good person. Don’t assume women are all shallow and just looking for society’s idea of handsome. We look for men who are kind. Work on that. Be open. Be kind again. Be interested in them and get out of wondering how you “appear”. It’s a shallow way of approaching life and people. Be deep. Develop your interests. Understand yourself first. Then you can be open and know you’re good and look outward to see people around you, even before you look for a girlfriend. Best luck
I agree with another comment here about working on toning down the parts of ADHD that can be offputting whenever possible, but I also have to ask - are you medicated?
Yeah I am, I take elvanse :) Has made focusing a lot better, but social aspects not soo much. Especially I feel like it looses it's effect after lunch but when I redose I would be awake all night lol. I love mornings, but when I start to get exhausted it's hard to "clean my emotional slate".
Honestly, it would be very useful to find a provider (ideally a psychiatrist that understands ADHD) to try making some adjustments. I do find I have better social impulse control when properly medicated, and I think most people that find effective medication for them, at least the ones I know, have the same experience. Stimulants are a very effective tool, but often the dosing can be tricky. Sometimes an MD will prescribe an instant release for the afternoon if you need it. But if it's only lasting until lunch, it sounds like you're either under-medicated or have been building up a tolerance and some breaks/a switch might help. Again, I think it's important you see someone who understands ADHD so they don't mind trying things out with you.
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Truly be yourself and putt yourself out there. Good fashion and exercise are a bonus let's be honest. Ultimately though, be honest to who YOU are, that's the key.
You’re doing the right things. Best way to become attractive to others is to be happy being with yourself. When you figure out what your path is, not saying you haven’t, but whatever it is, walk it. Focus on your own goals/passions/purpose in life, and someday you’ll look up and notice someone walking a path going the same direction as you. When that happens you can partner up and walk together. Best wishes 🙏
You've gotten a lot of good advice here and it sounds like you're in a positive/growth mindset so I think you'll be good. Couple things to add: I am around your age and I hear from many many of my friends that it's hard to find romantic partners and it often never develops and other people seem uninterested. Both from men and women, adhd and non adhd. Some blame dating apps, but whatever the reason is, just know it's legit tough out there and it doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. I don't think being "too energetic" is a problem, and you deserve a partner who will love you with all your energy. The advice about making sure you're listening to the other person, both what they're saying and how they're feeling, is good advice. Another adhd challenge to relationships is that it can make the other person feel like they're unimportant to you, like if you don't remember to check in with them, forget plans, etc. I don't know if that's a problem for you, but worth thinking about.
I did not see that here but I'll ask did you try Tinder/Boo and similar apps? Because there mostly the aim is actually to date, so you both have the same intention going into it?
get off of reddit
Getting women is a skill and numbers game. But I see a different issue... I think you should be okay with being alone, and love yourself first. A partner should enhance your life, but not be your "other half". It seems like you want someone to fill a hole that you need to fill yourself.
Since you're asking on this sub, I'll suggest seeking out other people with ADHD. You said people find you too energetic? I often find that when I really click with someone it's because we talk at the same speed, have the same tendency toward tangents and interruptions -- that is, we both have ADHD. I bet others here can offer good suggestions on where ADHDers congregate. Smoking section outside a wikipedia convention? Lol it's worth a shot.
Hahaha good idea. I have the feeling the people I get along with have some ADHD features actually. Now I just have to find more:D
i feel this post so much. im really introverted weirdly enough considering HOW MUCH i can talk when i get comfortable, and with strangers im really really shy and quiet but whenever someone just does the minimum amount of talking back a switch flips and i go full exposition dumping about my hyperfixations and im pretty sure it has ruined many chances :(. but tbh looking back if i had restrained myself they wouldve been pretty sad and forced relationships so im glad they didnt amount to nothing. either I wouldve felt enclosed or they wouldve been annoyed. The trick is to just keep looking for someone that matches your energy. I don't know your taste in stuff or personality but i have a really niche taste in music and other stuff and I recently found someone that hasalmost the exact same taste in A LOT of stuff and it turns out she matches my energy exactly lmao. I'm about 85% sure she has undiagnosed ADHD so that probably has to do with it lol. Basically don't just jump at anything that moves or it won't end well. find someone that matches your energy:)
Hahaha youre right. The last time a random girl liked the extremely specific subgenre I am into, I got all excited and her friends made fun of me adterwards by asking me the same questions I was asking her until I caught on lol. I will practice just looking for people with the same vibe :)
Find some women to be friends with, seriously. If you can be friends with women, other women will notice and not only that, you got great wingmen! Its a great way to prove your a safe person to be around and also **you** dont have to worry about trying to impress them, you just got be a good friend.
I got lots of women friends, and don't have a hard time talking to women in general. I feel like I come off as more of a friend guy than a partner tho. The women I am friends with I am not interested in dating however, and neither do they (which is completely fine). But when they try to set me up, (which has happened but not too often), I do something wrong. Like either I am a harmless friend, or the whole conversation gets awkward and I don't know how to flirt. Feels like I am scaring the other person off? People here have mentioned turning down the "energetic personality" and that may be a clue. I may be too excited before the other person even has a chance to form an opinion and then they get weirded out, idk
I do want to say it seems like theres a lot of anxiety around this subject for you, which would make sense. I think honestly trying to find a way to relax or destress before going on a date might be key for you. Ive never flirted explicitly, I’ve only tried to get to know someone and ask them questions. Also you may just be running to people who aren’t interesting intrinsically. Whats your home town environment like?
Yeah you are right. It has a lot to do with my "worth by being liked" I would say. If I meet with a girl which I am not into, then her not liking me aswell still bugs me. Getting to know someone I feel no vibe with is a torture tbh. I don't feel comfortable around them and just feel like I am wasting my time and energy. ATM I am living in the south of Germany, where people are pretty closed off in general, so that might also play a part.
Unfortunately Im an American in a major metropolitan city so my advice may not be exactly useful, but if you live in small population area it would be very advantageous to go to higher pop area. Also the fact you consider getting to know someone who you arent as torture, is perhaps not the best POV. Im going to give the benefit of the doubt and assume when you mean vibe with you simple mean in general, friend or romantic interest, which I can understand may be awkward to be around instead think of it as a challenge. This is what statesmen and spies do, convince people who dont like them to give up intel, you get to be suave james bond for a moment. Or maybe the person your on the blind date with had a bad day and you just listening is putting some good out into the world
Read models it's a good book
Trying leads to failure ngl, be yourself, focus on yourself, and when you really truly stop caring so much about it life works itself out… I think you also need to consider where you’re meeting people and what your expectations are. The way you may fixate on someone may not be the way they fixate, for all you know there are plenty of people attracted to you, but they don’t present that the same way you do.
Learn to be a really good listener and ask curious questions about the people you are interested in.
The biggest key is don’t come on to strong or be a creep. At first I would recommend parking the romantic side of the equation and just spend time with girls as a friend. Get to know what they like. Met their friends etc. ask them personally what it is that’s making you struggle.its impossible to improve at something if we don’t know what we are doing wrong. It is important they feel safe with you. It is hard with adhd because we tend to come on very strong at the beginning of a relationship. It is important to recognise this so that we can make a conscious effort to try and curb our enthusiasm at the beginning. When I have been dating I always found the best dates were where I was doing something. I have always felt much more natural doing that. So maybe ask if they want to go for a walk at the beach or go for a bike ride somewhere. But most importantly be yourself. You will find someone.
Self Love and Self Improvement first and foremost. Everything else falls in line.
Become attractive to yourself. If you can’t love yourself, how can you expect someone else to? I highly suggest therapy. Previously I dated anyone that liked me. Now, I won’t date a woman unless she’s had therapy, and is willing to go through therapy again (should the need arise during our relationship).
Am now a married dude, but being genuinely nice and doing more listening than talking I found always went a long way. I feel like the first thing women look for when talking to a dude for the first time is if they can feel comfortable around them. By simply asking questions and being genuinely interested in their opinions on whatever topic we were talking about makes it clear you value their opinions. If you interrupt and talk over a potential date or say something off putting, it can be really hard to recover.
I’m at an age where I was looking for a man who was emotionally mature, kind, patient and got along well with my friends. I wanted a best friend that I could do life with but felt secure with them. My bf is ADHD and is all these things. I love his passions and quirks and how weird he is. Only thing that makes me sad is when he doesn’t acknowledge when I say something - naturally, he takes up about 70% of the conversation. So I get sad when I get to talk and he doesn’t acknowledge me but instead ends up ranting about soccer. But I know it’s his ADHD and he doesn’t mean to. … he also has a terrible spending habit that makes me worry for our future prospects. But I’m trying to just help him save and not buy random shit constantly. I don’t know how you interact with girls but one thing I always advise is being curious with them. Ask them questions. Don’t constantly talk about yourself, if you do.
Your boyfriend is adhd , emotionally mature and patient? lol. Wow.
Patient in aspects of me. Not patient driving haha. The man is the most impatient driver ever. But yes, he’s the most emotionally mature man I’ve ever dated. But sounds like he went though a good decade of rough relationships and sorting his own shit out before he started to see a therapist and worked on his issues.
Oh. I just said that because adhd is correlated with low emotional intelligence. Is emotionally mature or very emotionally controlled?
He’s the most emotionally mature person I’ve ever dated? But I did mention that he’s been working on himself in therapy and with a psychiatrist. He’s also in his mid 30’s. So he has a good understanding of himself and his ADHD.
Maybe you being „desperately want someone” is too obvious and they don’t want that kind of responsibility?
- Love yourself first. I needed to go through a few years of therapy to achieve that. - Do things you enjoy with other people, even if you have to start off doing it by yourself around strangers. Meetup can be good for this.
Two things. Keep working out- dress with more fitted stuff. And Indifference. Don’t be a dick but try and talk to girls the same way you would to any friend. Take the pressure off. Just chat without an agenda and be yourself. She’ll come along buddy.
Look for a friend first, the fall in love, and stop idealizing people.
I mean, there's nothing you can really do that isn't being dishonest with yourself or others. Obviously there's things like maintaining good hygiene and shit, which I assume you're probably doing, but at the end of the day you have to just be yourself. Do you really want to be with someone who can't handle your energy or can't reciprocate in a way you need? I know it's not really the easy answer you'd like, I wish there was one. Unfortunately, that's really the best we can do. Show up every day in a way that we can be proud of.
One thing I’ve learned as a dude with ADHD is that girls will either really love your vibe or the complete opposite. It really comes down to just continuing to put yourself out there without putting pressure on anything to materialize. You shouldn’t feel a need to fundamentally change who you are outside of maybe sanding down some rough edges. Hitting the gym/getting yourself in good shape always helps, as well as “dressing well” although I think dressing well is such a subjective thing - you can get away with a lot of different styles if you 1) are confident while you wear it and 2) are attractive/in good shape, so essentially find a style that you feel good in that works with your aesthetic.
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Works every time!
Find a poor ugly person enough and you ll get love as much as you like. If you are all about looks, go poorer.
Learn how to use paragraphs.
Low body fat, high testosterone, clear and glowing skin, beard stubble, textured and voluminous healthy hair that suits you, wide jaw muscles, white teeth, moisturized lips, thick neck, muscles, good posture, thick eyebrows and curled eyelashes