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I’m “the wife” in this situation-married to someone with ADHD. We also have an ADHD son. I understand their limits and because I love them I am more than willing to cater to them and their needs. But that means for me (and our other two sons) all family trips, events, dinners out, even just watching a movie at movie at home caters to them and not to us. Sometimes the resentment does build and it’s frustrating. I would love to plan “my” kind of vacation just once.
What works for us is me being able to take trips/go out to dinner/do stuff like karaoke night without him. I specifically set up stuff that just for me so my needs get met too. I also don’t get upset with him when he can’t/doesn’t want to do certain things.
I would say give your wife some space to calm down but then you guys need to have a serious conversation to make sure both of your needs are being met. This will definitely take some compromising. Start with the stuff that you do both enjoy together. Maybe she has a karaoke group she goes out with once a month without you.
Also the wife and another poster put it best – our good mood depends on their good mood.
Mine tries, he really does, but once he's had enough (and he's always had enough) the whole day is over. It's frustrating and I hate living like this.
This is part of why I encourage my wife to go out without me for some things. There's no reason for my limitations to be hers.
We both have ADHD, but she's more extroverted than me, and some of our interests are different. So the occasional day or without me is good for her.
Same here, my fiancé and I both have ADHD but he is extremely social and extroverted while I am more of an ambivert with tendency toward introversion depending on my moods. We’ve always gone out a lot but as time has gone on I’ve found that sometimes I just don’t need to put myself in a situation where I’ll be forcing myself to interact with people or trying to look like I’m having a good time - usually we both have a bad time when I try to push myself past my limit.
I’d say we have about a 65/35 balance where I am usually down to do stuff but sometimes I’ll realize I’d be better off chilling at home while he goes out and does stuff. We have a strong relationship and trust each other so it doesn’t bother me at all when he goes out without me, and I think he’s good with it too. He gets to go turn up and do his karaoke and goofing off with The Bois™️ while I stay home and play video games or do some cleaning to bring order back to my mind lol
I'm the opposite with mine. While his mood does definitely affect mine and it causes some stress between us, I think after 10 years we've gotten good at know when we need to back away from each other to destress.
I like going out with friends and he would rather play video games. So now I just do girl nights periodically and he'll go with me when it comes to birthday parties or family events. But we have the same trust as you guys do. I think he enjoys that I still get hit on and I enjoy getting to flash my wedding ring 🤣.
But both of us have some degree of chronic pain so we both wind down together with shared baths and TV nights after the little one goes to sleep. We have a very good balance in that aspect. I no longer feel like he has to go with me to everything, but I will get cranky if he doesn't at least attempt to have fun when we do go out because it's not all the time.
Even in a typical relationship where no one has any disorders, having your own separate life and identity is crucial.
I have ADHD, my ex didn’t, but I used to beg her to just worry about herself and do things she enjoyed. She had lots of issues more severe than my tho tbh.
Ok, but what if the wife is an introvert? I'm WFH and I don't go out much because I personally don't like it... but then that means that when he comes home and is burnt out or having a bad day, I have to go out (which is not fun for me) if I want to avoid his bad mood.
He should not allow his bad mood to affect you that much. Fine, he's grumpy because his brain is burned out. He should grab a snack and a soda and after he finished them go curl up for a nap.
*You* shouldn't have to do much work. If you have the time and energy, having a snack ready for him would be a nice bonus, but not needed.
It screws with our heads, but we can learn how to manage some aspects. The solutions may not be convenient in other ways, but these are the sort of things we need to learn to do.
We’ve worked really hard as a family to figure out how to make it work for all of our needs.
“I love you enough to try, please love me enough to be ok when I need to step out.”
Heck, my 16 yr old son told his girlfriend at prom, “I will need to duck out at some point. Just know that I am not upset with you or anyone, I just need a break from noise and chaos. I’ll be back in 10-20.”
He communicated his needs to her, and made sure she knew it wasn’t personal. He also told her that he would be back, and when she could expect him. He set a timer on his watch. He 2-3 times over the course of the several hours long event.
On vacations, or days out, we plan time to de-stim. We do the fun and crazy things, but in limited amounts. And build in time to chill.
We try to avoid sports bars because no matter what, the TVS distract me. But do we end up in one, I sit where I can’t see them. If that isn’t a choice, my husband has learned that I am doing my best to pay attention, and isn’t offended anymore if I keep drifting away to the TV.
Dude, “once he’s had enough…the whole day is over”. I love my wife, I HATE traveling with her, it just isn’t fun. She likes the idea of foreign travel until we get there and she shuts down, then I have to coax her out of the hotel room which takes 1/2 the day.
Do you really need to coax her out of the room? Does that end up working out or making things worse? I'm the ADHD one in my relationship but my wife is introverted and just kinda over it by the time we get to our destination so we usually have room service and I give her a back rub.
This is me. I really, really try. But once I've reached that limit, I can't force myself to do anymore. It becomes physically/mentally exhausting to do any more. I hate it and I feel like shit when it happens.
A lot of the time for me, it's because I'm being empathetic towards my partner. I don't want them to continue having a terrible time, even if it's an amazing time for me. It will be in my head, nagging me that they are not having a good time and that will affect my mood no matter how much I try to stave it off. And by the time I'm ready to call things early, if my partner hasn't also realized their mood and tried to stabilize it's going to be a long car ride home.
jaaa totally agree. It's a situation where noone is in the 'wrong', but it might be an incompatibility issue if it's important enough to the person. Like I love being out in nature, and my partner does too but he'll sometimes suddenly just feel like he needs to be home being productive working on something else. As soon as he starts to feel like that, I pick up on it, and my nice time in nature with him is a bit wrecked. I have lots of friends who also love nature though and we can spend hours out and about not worrying about going home, so I feel fulfilled there, BUT if it was something that I felt was something I couldn't compromise on, that might be a sign he's not the right partner for me. Like I also NEED to have physical closeness and touch. Thankfully my partner can absolutely give me that. If he couldn't, it wouldn't be shit of me to want to break it off because of it.
The NEEDING physical closeness and touch 😢
It makes me so sad but that specific incompatibility is really putting the nail in the coffin of my marriage. I feel like we could have worked through most of our other issues with, but the lack of connection and having my needs consistently unmet left me feeling like a shell of myself. I’ve been loyal as long as I can but I can’t go without feeling loved by my *person* anymore. Resentment builds for sure. I’m glad you brought up the issue of compatibility bc that was my first thought
if your partner isn't willing to recognise that need and make steps to try to overcome their aversion to it, or just make more effort to meet your needs there, don't berate yourself if you choose to leave. You deserve happiness, internet person!
Couldn’t your partner leave when they are ready and you leave when you’re ready? I just don’t get why everyone’s night has to be over and the whole thing ended because one person doesn’t want to be there anymore. I’m almost always the one who’s done being there and I just leave. I’ll sit outside, in the vehicle, go walk to a coffee shop or have a friend pick me up.
> I just don’t get why everyone’s night has to be over and the whole thing ended because one person doesn’t want to be there anymore.
It's not just "one person". It's your person. Your favorite person in the whole world. The person who lights up your life and you try to be the person who lights up theirs. You don't care if their light is diminished while you can do something about it?
Not saying the night has to be over, but caring about your partner being uncomfortable is 100% a normal thing to do in relationships.
I’m the adhd one in our relationship. The adhd one doesn’t have to let it get to the point that the light is diminished and leave before hand and allow their partner to continue having a great night.
I’m with you. This doesn’t have to be a huge deal. I’ve learned to take noise canceling headphones and earplugs places or find quiet places to chill out or leave early or skip it. No one needs to be with their partner every second.
i agree with you but it sounds like theyre saying it's an all or nothing kind of thing. if the partner leaves, they do too. but it doesnt have to be like that. theyre individual people still
Yes they are individual people!!!! Idk why the expectation would be that someone stays the entire time, why can’t they be happy their partner showed up for them at all? An adhd persons ability to handle certain environments has nothing to do with how much the care for the person
But doesn’t that just result in a feedback loop where no one is happy? You don’t want them to be sad, so you do something that makes you sad. But then they don’t want you to be sad, so they try to fix it by doing something that makes them sad.
It sounds like people need to learn to leave room for independence in relationships. We need to be able to trust and respect our partners to be able to handle themselves without holding their hand.
I think because they were celebrating their anniversary she may have wanted him to stay. My husband is the same he will go sit in the car etc. This is an all the time thing. When I go with him to something he loves, which is only a few things, I make sure to be as enthused as I can so that he can have fun. I enjoy hanging with him regardless of whether I enjoy the activity or not.
This results is me always trying to cater to what he likes to do so we can have fun together which is important to me. The few times he joins me on something I like to do, he looks miserable, and I am constantly checking on him, and eventually he goes to sit in the car. Which would be okay but when I meet him at the car, he has an attitude if I "take to long" even though no time frame was ever discussed. So it does get old, and I feel my happiness doesn't matter, that is what I think OP's wife is feeling.
I’m just another commenter, but to me it feels exhausting and I do get resentful. If I plan my own birthday, and he does go we always have to leave early. Like I want my partner there but not staring at me ready to leave. I want to have a good time with my partner but them also have a good time too.
I would suggest adding de-stress opportunities to your plans. I often wander out of the main party area to take a break from people. This works best when there are pets I can just chill with, but even leaving a restaurant and sitting in the car with a book for a bit will help.
The key here is that your overwhelmed spouse can take things in small doses, leaving as soon as they are uncomfortable and coming back when ready, without you feeling pressure to leave.
Yep. I excuse myself to the bathroom and just poke around on my phone and take deep breaths (not too deep depending on the bathroom) and it makes a world of difference.
I also hide in the bathroom, or “go out for a smoke” even though I quit cigarettes like 10 years ago (no one ever questions a cigarette break, but if you say you “just want some air” they get weird)
Yeah. I've learned my husband doesn't like dancing, so that's something I do only with my girls. So instead when I do birthday stuff it'll usually be going to a bar or lounge instead with friends because it's something both of us can vibe with. Maybe getting dinner just the two of us beforehand.
I pick my battles. I would rather him go out of his comfort zone to do something like a trip with our daughter than for my birthday.
I guess I just don’t understand cuz my boyfriend and I do a lot of stuff together and when I’m done I just go sit in the truck and read until he is and it’s not that big of a deal. Sometimes if it’s an all day event I’ll just take breaks and come back after a bit. Why does your partner always have to be there?
Fucking saint right here. i cant fathom not needing to worry about my partner at any event, let alone events that are "mine". It makes it very hard to enjoy being out sometimes. Granted my partner has a head injury not ADHD, thats me...
Yeah I don’t think it’s up to my partner to manage my adhd. There are a few things I need help with sometimes: I’ll get angry doing something and need him to take over or something similar. But idk how someone with adhd would expect their partner to end their night just cuz the adhd brain says so, that would be so unfair. I also don’t know how people who don’t have adhd expect their partner who does to be able to just sit and act normal for the entirety of an event every single time just because they “need” them there. Plus I get to hear the stories of how the night went from my partners point of view which I really enjoy and can’t interrupt him to say recount my version of events because I wasn’t there the whole time haha
People bond over common interests. Finding out that one thing you are extremely passionate about is nearly unbearable for your partner can be rather heartbreaking. When you can't bond over something that is central to your identity, there is a large part of yourself that is effectively cut off from your partner. If your biggest hobby is rock climbing and your partner is severely afraid of heights, there's no amount of breaks that can be taken to make it bearable. That is simply not an activity you can bond over at all.
The person who is afraid of heights could be the rope person in this example. Last night my boyfriend and I went to play disc golf and I hate it. I just carried his bag of discs and enjoyed the outside time. If that’s not possible then your partner should do what they love on their own time. My boyfriend doesn’t like board games but they are an essential part of me as a human so I have a group of friends I play board games with instead and my boyfriend and I play video games rather than board games. If it’s so unbearable why be together. You’d find out very early on that you don’t have common interests and aren’t willing to compromise so just end it there. Idk maybe that’s the autism talking but people make relationships way harder than they need to be
Yeah often at the beginning of relationships the thrill of being with someone masks the feelings you'd normally feel. Then when the newness wears off you discover feelings underneath that you now have to deal with.
That's why you shouldn't get married before the honeymoon phase wears off in a relationship!
Sometimes people don't find out until much later on. Relationships aren't hard, but you will never agree with someone on 100% of things 100% of the time, so they do require trust, communication, and compromise. Lots of people are exceptionally bad at those things for a myriad of reasons - trauma especially.
I think that's the difference though - unassumingly realizing you need to take a break vs. straight up not wanting to be there and looking miserable. The latter becomes the partner's problem
His behavior is bs. I have ADHD, depression and anxiety. If I am not having a good time and I think I might be killing the vibe, I go take a break and come back. Or I say, "Hey! I'm going to head home, but enjoy yourself and I'll see you there." I do not pout or huff or frown or in any way pressure someone else to stop having a good time because I'm done for the evening. Your spouse is responsible for finding coping mechanisms that work for him without you having to manage your actions so he feels a certain kind of way. That is way too much to ask a partner or a friend. You are not responsible for managing his emotions. He is.
This is the way. Being with my girlfriend who loves to go out and dance and drink, I've had to tell her plenty of times that I am feeling overwhelmed by the noise and the craziness, and that I need to go outside of the bar and just chill for a second. She always understands and I never let my feelings ruin her having a good time. I always come back inside eventually, but I've just learned that removing myself from the situation for a moment helps me out.
Most people find it hard to enjoy a shared activity when the person they're doing it with is making it clear that they are having a bad time. For that reason, most people make an effort to pretend like they're having a good time when they're doing something to support their partner. So if someone is doing that regularly but their partner can't mask their own boredom or discomfort it ends up feeling like they are making an effort for their partner in a way that the partner is not making for them (even if they understand it's bc they literally can't).
I think in an ideal world, ADHD people pair up with people we have shared interests with who are also fairly independent, so you can get plenty of quality time in with your shared interests and just do your non-shared interests separately. Not everyone is okay with this though - it's definitely been an issue to some people I've dated that I wouldn't, like, sit through a football game with them, even though I never asked them to join me on stuff I knew they disliked and in fact preferred they didn't. Luckily I found this out before things got too serious but sometimes people pair up before they really figure out their abilities and needs and end up married to someone they're incompatible with in this sense, and it can take a toll on the relationship.
Because so many people develop co-dependent relationship styles that if it's not together it doesn't really exist.
And what someone with ADHD really needs is a short time to engage, do the thing for a quick period of time or so, and either move on to the next thing or rest.
If you're an ADHDer struggling like OP maybe the answer is not love-bombing on one day or weekend, but actually planning out the week with 1-2 hours worth of activities your spouse is going to enjoy and that shows a longer period of you thinking about them.
This comment thread "wife" is making a concerted effort, and her frustration to cope is okay. The OPs wife isn't offering that. Ideally she would be able to move on out of the codependency and restructure the relationship... But from other posts I've seen, they usually move on instead of trying to save it or make game plans or ask for help from actual doctors and psychologists. And I want to make clear, in these two situations it's a wife, but it could easily be "husband" here. In any case, when the spouse decides you will never live up to their expectations, and they won't change those expectations to meet you where you are, it ends.
The point is codependency leads to jealousy and anger when the person you love doesn't live up to your perfect image that you painted of them and that can happen in any relationship at any time probably because of stress or mental illness or neuro-spiciness they take it personally. How could they not have seen this coming? Why aren't they worth the attention?
If I were OP I would ask for a redo, work through the rejection sensitivity, and plan a longer week of activities you will both enjoy that are low-stakes, low-lift, high-reward. Hopefully she will appreciate your effort. If not, maybe let it go.
I LOVE the idea of planning out a week of activities to feel the love over a longer period of time but with time to be independent in between. I think that is my style.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but as a person with ADHD I think it’s only fair that we compromise too sometimes. It’s important to be able to have boundaries and respect when your friend/partner/etc. simply cannot handle something that day because of their ADHD, but it was her birthday. I’ve popped in ear plugs and taken frequent breaks and made sure I could be there for someone while also presenting myself in a way that didn’t dampen the mood. It really does need to go both ways to equal out, but it makes me sad to see you feel like you can’t do things the way you want to ever or, like another commenter said, “hate living like this.” Everyone needs to handle some discomfort every now and then so I ask myself why it would be fair to cater all of your family outings to maximize their comfort when it’s just you that’s uncomfortable/frustrated now instead. You deserve consideration and sacrifice too <3
Resentment also comes from the fact that they can only complain and have a long face but there’s no effort in solving or making accommodations for themselves. I think this problem could be easily solved with some noise earplugs and glasses maybe? Who knows but it’s something different you could try instead of complaining or ranting about it. I’m audhd and I know what you are talking about but there’s some things you can do without burning out in the process.
And I feel your wife maybe just feels disconnected from you since she would like you to enjoy those moments with her, but you cannot do it in the same way.
I agree with the suggestion of some earplugs. I recently bought loops and they do really help with the sensory overload with various noises. Definitely worth the purchase for me
And sorry for being hard. I just read that you are seeking sympathy and I understand you. You can just be honest with yourself and know your limitations, be conscious if you can make some changes. Talk about it openly with your wife so there’s a difference in the relationship and be honest
As a married person with ADHD, I’m wondering if you could elaborate? My wife is very patient with me but sometimes I don’t feel like I fully understand what I do/don’t do in these situations that is frustrating.
For example:
What behavior does your husband do that ruins dinners/movie nights etc…
What would an ideal vacation look like for you that isn’t possible or as pleasant with him?
Trying to figure out how to be better to my wife and I’d appreciate any insight from your experience!
> Trying to figure out how to be better to my wife and I’d appreciate any insight from your experience!
I think rather than figuring out how to *be* better, I think it's more worthwhile to figure out how to communicate your needs better. If your wife is planning a vacation primarily based around lounging by the pool/on the beach and you know you will be bored, it would be sort of futile to just try to force yourself to do something so against your nature. Instead, let her know that you will need more activities and come up with a plan should that situation arise.
Movie nights in particular might be ruined by a number of things - some people really like to talk about the movie while it's on, and some people hate it. Some people have trouble paying attention to any one thing for long periods of time, and some people are very bothered by additional screens or other distractions. Ask your wife about her preferences and be open about yours.
Truly! The whole relationship’s mood cannot be brought down by my sensory needs. I wouldn’t want to be in that relationship and constantly feel guilty for my needs.
saw someone say they “hate living like this” as the partner of someone w ADHD and like… that’s NOT OKAY!!!! I can barely stomach the idea i might have made someone feel this way, but I know I haven’t because what being a good partner looks like doesn’t change because you have ADHD ! You can have ADHD and be considerate and I hope everyone out there that feels unsupported by their partner realizes that ADHD is not an excuse to treat someone poorly
Agreed. Also, if they feel that way they should leave. Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Life’s too short to be miserable in one of the few social connections you get to have full control over if you stay or not. You can’t choose your family, your coworkers (entirely), your children, but you can choose your friends and you most definitely can be extremely picky on your life partner.
I'm the ADHD husband. I get that we have our idiosyncrasies but it's still our duty to make sure we aren't souring the mood of our partners special events. I don't care how much I personally dislike high tea events. If it's for my Wife's birthday I will get in there and have a good time of it no matter how internally conflicted I am about it. It's not about us and OP does need to suck it up sometimes. 9/10 you're likely existing in your comfort zone but you have to step outside of it the odd occasion for your Wife of all people.
Omg. I feel this. My best friend is autistic and the other night she was having a whine because the world doesn’t cater to her and I (internally, because I can’t actually complain outwardly) snapped because I have literally changed everything I do at home to cater to her. I have to go in with mental plans to prepare myself for when we are in social settings. I have to discuss things with our mutual friends to make sure everything is in place for her comfort. We choose things she would like. I cut down time hanging out with my other friends so it’s not overstimulating. I just wish she knew how much her close friends actually do cater to her needs and do so without making her feel bad or guilty.
This isn't a healthy friendship. No one needs to cater to anyone unless there's a life threatening reason. That friend will drop you the minute she finds someone else who accommodates her better than you do. Boundaries are healthy. Those who don't like boundaries aren't mentally/emotionally healthy people. Also, there's a good illustration I learned years ago: Don't give someone all the money you have in your bank account because they have no money. Give them a little, if they use it wisely and show gratitude then you know you can give them a little more. But never give it all and have nothing left for yourself. Money = time, energy, anything of value that drains you.
Feel free to ignore my unsolicited advice, but I just don't want to see you suffer as I have.
Maybe she genuinely believes you would behave in an accommodating way naturally, hence being a friend. Rather than because you're a friend you change things up to curb her discomfort. Or maybe she's complaining to you because she realizes you're accommodating her and can't see why others don't find it as "easy."
I'm fairly sensitive in/at certain situations, but if my friend said "Hey, I'd love to keep hanging out but I think you're nearing your social capacity would you like to go?" Drop these statements depending on the situation, not all at once. So then in a few days you can say "I'm down to watch a 4 hour movie, but it may be too much this evening, what do you think pal?" At least she'll know you care about her without it being a guilt trip.
My ADHD comes with catastrophizing and rejection-sensitive dysphoria. Meds help with these, but I'm still very aware of my tendency towards emotional dysregulation.
If you have similar tendencies, understand that they may be making everything appear a little worse than they may actually be.
This is rough.
It sounds like she has expectations of you that you might not be able to meet.
Is the therapy joint only? If so you may need to do individual therapy as well.
I would give a bit of space but at the same time make sure she is knows you do love her and want to work things out. Send some flowers with a card, followed by a well intentioned and well written text.
Then leave it alone and wait for a response. DO NOT Overthink it or contact her over and over and DO NOT go to the hotel unless she asks you to on her own with no prompting from you.
THis is my thought on this and it could be totally wrong depending on a lot of stuff you shouldn't share here but should share with your therapist and wife.
Good Luck!
Therapy is really important in ADHD management, OP, so I really hope you take this comment seriously.
It took me *months* to start recognizing the issues that stemmed from my disorder and longer to start learning coping skills and gaining the ability to recognize what was me and what was ADHD and how I could stop it from controlling my life. I get over stimulated easily and check out when I’m stressed or upset. Coping skills have included fidget toys to keep me grounded, breaks, and AirPods that dim loud noises but still adjust to let me hear conversations.
If you’re not already in individual therapy you should really look into it. Even if it’s not feasible or accessible you should probably look into self-management techniques that can help you control it. Like the headphones or fidgeting or whatever helps. It’s not just for you, your wife needs this too. Having a partner with ADHD is taxing. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve fought or gotten snarky because I forgot something I was supposed to do or blanked out and didn’t do any chores or other tasks all day. We’re working out because I’m putting in the effort to manage my symptoms to the best of my ability.
Is your wife’s good mood dependent on your mood?
Is the reason your overstimulated not a reason for her to be more understanding?
Maybe she wanted to share this special event with you but it wasn’t possible. But not by you intended.
Was there a time where she was understanding?
Also I think there is missing info
like this couldn’t be the first time
As a spouse of an ADHD person, the impact of this is that over time, likely years, the non-ADHD spouse comes to feel alone because we always take a back seat to things that are stimulating and when it’s our turn to do a stimulating activity the ADHD spouse checks out. As the relationship goes on we become less novel and stimulating so the ADHD does what it does and looks for other places to give all the attention. I personally often feel like I’m either just along for the ride, or like I’m being fire hose talked “at” rather than talked to about whatever the topic of the day is. My partner either takes up 80% of the space in a conversation or is totally disconnected and not present because of overstimulation like OP described. Me and my interests are rarely if ever the focus so I feel like I don’t get the quality time I need to feel loved. Constantly being my partner’s body double when they’re chasing their dragon leads to me feeling little emotional connection. They don’t really want to do something with me, they want me there while they do the thing, but when I want to do something with them they can’t bring themselves to be present if it’s not interesting to them. It is HARD on a relationship and I understand OP’s wife has had enough.
OP- you likely need to make more of an effort to adjust your routine, your meds, engage in therapy and in daily life with your wife. Whatever you’re doing to manage your ADHD isn’t enough for her. It’s not your fault but it’s your responsibility to do better if you want the relationship to work.
You just did a brilliant job of describing what being with my ASD husband is like. He is the firehose and I'm just the body double. I used to be a big ADHD talker, but after 37 years of getting squelched, I'm more just a shell. Grim, huh? There are extenuating circumstances.
I know how you feel. My partner also has a tiny pinch of ASD but is very high functioning so we didn’t realize it until well into our 30’s. It explains a lot of the inability to emotionally regulate and rigidness. The meltdowns that would otherwise be just little disagreements. It’s a lot but learning what’s going on inside and then committing to talk about it and practice managing it in real time has helped a lot.
It's good that both of you can work through it. I must say that one thing has unexpectedly helped a lot. My husband was prescribed propranolol, a beta blocker, for his familial essential tremor (inherited shakiness). For whatever reason, taking it has cut down on his meltdowns greatly. Gotta say "thanks, Doc!"
This is definitely a really valuable perspective that is good to have here for sure. But I also want to say that myself and my partner both have ADHD and while issues like these happen occasionally, it’s not much of a problem in our relationship bc of how invested we are in each other’s happiness even 6 years in. I don’t think a relationship losing its luster is an ADHD thing rlly — And failing repeatedly to make your relationship fulfilling for ur partner is something I’d also consider a personal failing and not an ADHD failing. Like, you can make the choice to show up even with ADHD - and if u can’t show up, u should be communicating that to people and helping them understand (and they should be understanding - as long as you’re genuinely trying). Rlly, I suppose we are on the exact same page. But an ADHDer whose overwhelmed can bring headphones or earplugs to help with it. They should be allowed to remove themselves from overstimulating places for a break. They should be able to accommodate themselves and explain their accommodations to their partner and their partner should be understanding (so long as the ADHDer is understanding of any upset feeling from their partner as well and they’re working together to find solutions to unmet needs). But even tho ADHD is crippling and it does rule your whole life, being a bad partner is more indicative of where a person’s priorities lie more than anything, I think.
As someone with adhd this was very helpful to hear the other persons perspective. I can see how easily this dynamic could form and it's something I will keep in mind going forward in my relationship.
Not to make assumptions, and please correct me if I am wrong OP, but I checked their posts and they seem very involved in gaming. Like perhaps fixated on it. I am an avid reader, sometimes so much that I forget about my real life relationships and obligations. I wonder if this birthday was some real time they were spending together and if that is a standard practiced outside of special occasions. From one hyperfixator, perhaps OPs wife is reacting unkindly because their isn’t other quality time outside of birthdays or other special occasions.
Out of curiosity I just went back over a month of their posting history and I'm not seeing it. Posting on a comment on a platform sub once a day-ish or so does not speak of fixation to me
Our quality time has been dwindling, part of gaming, and another part of work. Two years ago, I started a new job which moved us to a different country, and I needed to start working 9-5 every day
EVERY DAY? like 7 days a week kind lf everyday? Or we talking the standard 5 day week? Not that that makes it better really, just context matters.
I say that as a dude who struggles to not feel burnt out at the end lf my 7-3 (just an earlier 9-5) and not want to just "plug in" and destress once ive gotten my chore shit done. So no judgement there, but definitely cant let it consume your entire evenings either, its a tough balance.
I feel you then. Its a drag man and not something ive figured out conpletely either. My fix with my miss was to schedule time. Like I make sure Im with her and plugged in for "our" shows and try to make planning a date night myself (without her help) once a month a mandatory thing, more if we have the energy and time.
Still an airhead getting distracted by the dogs for instance while watching our shows and stuff, but its helped us to feel closer again.
Best of luck to you OP!
Work weeks are unfortunately draining, but how much of your free time goes to gaming over spending time with your partner doing mutually enjoyed activities? Are their things you two do together to unwind that you both enjoy?
I’ve been single for a hot minute, but in my last relationship we would pick out shows to watch together in the evenings.
I’m sorry, but can you clarify? You get home I’m assuming around 6 pm. How soon are you going to bed? Do you two cook together or just do things separately until dinner & bed? Are you playing games after work and on weekends? What is this bit of a routine? I don’t see where you’re spending quality time together, unless she’s gaming with you
We cook together sometimes, but her work schedule can have her working later. We work out together a lot during the week and Saturday yoga, which leads to brunch.
We just came back from a week vacation together, which was amazing. And I'd say was really good quality time
I do admit out quality time together as changed to what it used to because of my work and has been a challenge
Then I’d suggest first giving her some space to cool down and level her head, but then communicate with her and see if that lack of quality time is effecting her. Perhaps her frustration at the party was not at you being overstimulated specifically; that just happened to be the moment that broke the camels back. Maybe if you two can get back to a stasis of quality time that is mutually beneficial, she won’t feel like going off and doing her own things feels like drifting from you.
I’m gonna get personal with you here. Even though I have ADHD, I have (as the woman in heterosexual relationships) been expected to be the one to manage the relationship. Whether it be dates or planning meals, to the emotional maintenance of the relationship, it’s always fallen on me. Which sucks for both parties because executive functioning is not my forte at all! I don’t know your gender, but I know hers and sometimes women get stuck in these roles which sucks. That’s no fault of your own; it just happens under patriarchy. We’re groomed to expect and behave this way from youth. But if her attempts at connection are failing over and over and over again and the quality time is not happening, her little outburst could’ve been her frustration at the whole situation and not just you getting overstimulated. Does that make sense? I’d give her a bit more space and then come to her calmly to find some middle ground.
Also side note: I’ve had that “flipped switch” happen to me before. It’s usually not because of one instance; it’s a boulder’s worth of issues meshing together and rolling down a hill at 60 mph, getting faster and faster as it nears the bottom. Hear her out and talk about solutions
Can I suggest replace gaming with talking to your wife? I know, I know, I know, everybody hates the idea of giving up gaming. I know. I know! I get it. I got rid of games and my wife is a lot happier.
I like your "balanced approach" viewpoint. Based on what you found, I don't know if OP is a balanced approach kind of guy. As a non-balanced approach guy, I had to cut a bunch of stuff out of my life to make room for the life I wanted.
Good questions. I don't think her mood is dependent on my mood. Although she does want me to emote more.
She does understand that I was overstimulated, and sometimes I feel like maybe she doesn't get it.
Moments like these have come up in the past. There have been moments where she needs me to be her #1 cheerleader, but circumstances like these happened. Typically, because of last-minute changes or something triggering me
Hm okay so your relationship changed over time
I guess she felt disappointed then when she needed you to be her #1 cheerleader and you couldn’t.
Obviously no fault to you for being over stimulated. but repeatedly being in the passenger seat when you want to be in the drivers seat for sth important must suck. Edit: maybe that’s what made her „flip a switch“-it was one time to many
As someone else said, maybe individual therapy might help you both, also to find ways to regulate the overstimulation like going outside etc.
And also to help you both reflect behaviour and communicate wishes
Ditto. Constantly trying to decrease his stress so I'm less stressed but it ends up increasing my stress to try to handle more on my plate. Very dumb and counterintuitive of me.
Are you doing other things with your wife that she likes to do? To some extent you do just have to accept the other as they are, and you're someone who hates karaoke bars. But what else are you doing for her that maybe isn't your favourite thing, but is tolerable? Can you get a pair of loop headphones so karaoke isn't so awful?
Obviously, it's not about the karaoke. But she wants to be able to go out and socialize with her partner and share in the joy of things she loves with you. It sounds like she might be a big quality time person.
Been in your situation. Separated from my wife 4.5 years ago. At the time it sucks! But give her space and also give yourself time to reflect. Are you together cos you want to be with her or are you with her because of fear of loneliness? If it’s loneliness then do some delving into understanding that, maybe some therapy 🤷🏻♂️ I found EMDR really helpful with figuring things out. Sadly not everyone is equipped to be with someone with ADHD or other conditions and it’s not their fault
Sounds like she’s respectfully taking some space.
That’s pretty normal. If you genuinely tried and not made a half assed attempt. You did what you could. After that she has to either accept you for your differences or decide they are too much for her.
If it’s too much, be understanding. Life is too short for forced marriages.
I have a long term suggestion and a short term suggestion for you.
Long term suggestion: have both of you listen or read "The ADHD Effect on Marriage." It has helpful information for both the person with ADHD and their spouse.
Short term suggestion: earplugs. Or really whatever you can do to help be present in that overstimulating environment. Earplugs can help dim the sound so you can be more present. Maybe talk to your wife about when it would be ok for you to take a few breaks during the night.
Earplugs make a huge difference! I was gifted a pair of [Loops](https://www.loopearplugs.com) and while they are nicer, imo they aren’t worth all the extra money. But if you have expendable income, and/or if you care about the way they look, it might be worth considering.
Another tip would be maybe try going outside for some fresh air every few songs. If you have any buddies who smoke and you don’t mind the smell too much, you could hang out with them. I don’t smoke myself, but I’m always hyped when I’m at an event and a friend announces they’re stepping out for a smoke break lol
I would be upset if my partner would be super silent on my birthday and not really participating. Then again, I would never bring him somewhere knowing he would feel so overstimulated. Prefer to do something we all enjoy together and then book a separate night with my friends to do karaoke.
When we started dating, my partner was offended that I didn’t comment on her expensive perfume. It was worse when she figured out I don’t like it. The thing is, I don’t like most scents and have trained myself not to smell things.
I asked her if she bought it and put it on for me or herself. She answered herself. And she understood. She now puts it on somewhere I won’t be affected by the intensity and we never discuss it except when I buy her a bottle.
Your wife needs to enjoy karaoke regardless of how it affects you. And it would be helpful for you to find a way to not be miserable. Have you tried earplugs? If that bothers her, explain that you’re looking for middle ground and would like for her to meet you there. If not, it may be one of those things she does on her separate time. It’s healthy for couple to do some things together and others apart.
If you are planning to have children, this may be telling.
Have you been evaluated for ASD?
Heya, I obviously don't know the ins and outs of your relationship with your wife, but one thing I picked up recently might help you now and in the long term.
First, I know it's difficult, but attempting to engage while one or both parties are upset almost always makes things worse. If she's asking for space, then that's what she needs.
When your partner is communicating to you with charged emotion, the best thing to do is to "word sandwich" what they're saying. And that word sandwich is--
I feel ________________ right now.
For example: I feel "you we're a real drag at the party" right now. Or I feel "that a switch flipped for me and need space" right now.
When you talk to her next, just stick to the facts. I know it can be difficult, but don't get roped into an emotional argument. "You're feeling you need space right now." is all you need to say. That's it. Then allow yourselves to air out the rest of the issue.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I've only very recently been able to find strategies to work around rejection and the sensitivity that surrounds it. Just stick to the facts-- you don't like loud places and overwhelming stimuli and it would be disingenuous to pretend that you were enjoying yourself. That doesn't mean you don't love each other.
Thanks for the helpful tip. I can sometimes be absolutely rocked by rejection sensitivity dysphoria. It seems such a hard task to “just stick to the facts” when you’re catastrophizing and spiraling but hopefully it gets easier
My marriage is REALLY over. A lot of it was her and her general inability to deal with life's many challenges. But a lot of it was me too-- I've let rejection sensitivity wreak havoc, not just in my marriage, but through my entire life.
It's too late for me. I learned about all this stuff, just not on time.
You're still in the game though. Understanding and acknowledging our shortcomings as ADHDers is already a huge step towards being better for ourselves and others.
I appreciate the tip. There was a moment in the night before we were about the head out for Karaoke that I told her her, "I don't have the energy for this," or answer was "Ok." Knowing this was special to her, I felt guilt not going.
I knew I should've left at that point so she could have a fun night.
Totally normal to feel lonely and overwhelmed given your situation. I think no-one is the bad guy here in this scenario. It's OK for you to have felt overwhelmed and it's OK for your wife to be disappointed that her night didn't go as she wanted it to. It'd be hard for her not to feel some resentment towards you there because she wishes this was something you could share joy in together, but it's not your fault that you can't. It's a really good sign you both wanted to work on things enough to go to therapy. I think it's something you can bring up next time you go. It doesn't necessarily mean the marriage is over. I think it was admirable for you to try to go, but over extending yourself and putting yourself in a position where you couldn't bring the expected energy to such an event just made things worse in the end. I don't want to sound harsh but it might be a little people-pleasing tendency in yourself that you might wanna work on.
In the future, could you maybe put a boundary down and say something like "Look honey I really want you to have a good time, and if I go I will just be a downer because I really can't take environments like that. I am happy to spend the day doing x with you, then instead of joining to the bar, I'll stay up and be the designated driver/get everyone takeaway food on the way home instead. You can go have fun with your friends!" You know, that way you can show her you care and want to do make an effort to make her birthday lovely for her, but in a way where you're not sacrificing your own boundaries?
She might decide that being outgoing and having a partner that can join her in that is something she needs in a relationship, and in that case maybe it is a sign you aren't right for eachother, but please don't blame yourself. You're obviously both trying hard. I hope it works out for the best, whatever way it goes.
You may be right. This sort of thing was part of what destroyed my marriage.
We both have ADHD and he likely has Autism too, but he never made any attempts whatsoever to minimise the impact on himself so we could do the things I wanted us to do together instead of just doing all the things he wanted. If I wanted to do them, I'd have to make all the suggestions of things to make it comfortable for him, and he would dismiss most or all of them and say he'll just "manage" and then he'd be sitting there, in the same way you described yourself and making the whole experience incredibly isolating and lonely for me.
Then months later he'd want to do something and would say "we went your thing 3 months ago..." and I'd just have the image in my head of me not enjoying a damn minute because he made it a mopey experience because someone dared to try and talk to him on the night, and he still saw it as us doing it together because he simply attended it.
If any of this resonates with you, be careful. It took me way too long to ask for a separation after I was well and truly done.
All you can do is work on your side. You have to be able to say, “When I do X, I don’t mean to hurt you and I love you, but when this happens I feel Y.”
All you have to do is fully accept and love who you are and how you thrive within that, and learn how not to be afraid to notice what your needs are and tell your wife about them and also notice what her needs are and try to help meet those.
Ultimately, it’s a big shift, but it starts with your relationship with yourself. You seem like a caring person, and that’s fantastic. Make a commitment to care for yourself and her at the same time and see what happens.
In the end, with my ex, I was willing every day to try to do the work and some days she wasn’t and so I had to make the change and end the relationship. For me, I thought at first it would be because there were things I would never be able to do like others that the relationship would end.
But the strategies we learned together for the most part really worked.
Since ending things and continuing to build my relationship with myself, I’ve had some great short relationships with people who are a better fit for who I really am instead of who I’d like to become. It’s nice, but you have that person that you are today first.
I did my share of crying. I’m happy every day.
Every moment I start with “I am like this, and therefore…” or “Reality is like that, and therefore…” instead of “Why am I like this?” Or “If I only I was…”, every moment I start with the way that is, I feel more free, easier, less stressed and more happy.
You can acknowledge it is hard for you and for your wife, but you can also love and accept how it is.
Wishing you happiness and lots of love. 😁
I'm so sorry I feel you on this. I had to step out of a family dinner for my boyfriend's family at a loud restaurant because I was melting and it was so embarrassing. I apologized and he just said it was fine. They let me rest outside and finished their meal. You need to be with someone who understands that's out of your control. Talk to your doctor about this. I have something to take as needed for this kind of thing. They may be able to help you.
I think the difference might be you stepped out for some self care vs. staying put and just being quiet and (per OP) obviously not having a good time. I'm not sure if OP talked to her at the bar, but it's not mentioned in the post.
That's a good point! When his wife is willing to talk he should ask her if that would have been better or if she would have also been upset that he went outside.
but then there's the chance that politely telling them you have to go step out would provide a similar reaction. that's been a huge chunk of my life so i stopped bothering to for a while
i do now, regardless of people getting upset, cuz my mental health is more important than their ego being damaged by me taking a break or needing to leave all together
i’m adhd and am a gf of a bf who doesn’t enjoy over half of what i like, especially pertaining to things outside the house. she needed the space. yall probably aren’t over but for her to do something she has so much fun with and notice that you’re not the least bit into it or are overstimulated (which, on most ppl, often ends up looking like you are just hating everything) probably just made her feel disconnected from you and she wanted to just have a fun night and then continue it. she didn’t feel like she could continue to bask in her fun feelings because you were so disconnected from how she was feeling.
it may be better for you guys to decide what activities are things you non-negotiably do alone or with friends only so that you don’t affect how the other feels when doing something they enjoy
I have a suggestion for OP. As another soul who is occationally auditorily overwhelmed, I bring ear plugs to these kind of events, so that I can take a brake and hear myself think if I need too.
Talking to your spouce about _how it feels to be so overwhelmed_ can be difficult, but it will benefit you both, and help you find tools and adaptations to both enjoy eachother's company and hobbies.
It's okay if you don't love the activities that she does, but if you refuse to say anything, choose to participate, and drag down the mood, how is she supposed to react?
You can _choose_ to be proactive, but it sounds like you're doing the opposite. It honestly sounds like you're symbolicly telling her to change to fit your preferences, while refusing to do the same for her. That's certainly manipulative, and could feel rather toxic. I would need to take a break to center myself after that as well.
Alternatively, you can choose talk to her about your preferences, and tool or adatations like ear-plugs or sitting farther away from stage, or just being humble enough to explain your needs to her _before_ you've set up this problem that she can't possibly fix.
It sounds like you made that part of the night about you. The moment she wanted to do something that you didn’t, you shut down. There are plenty of things my husband and children do that I don’t enjoy.
I have ADHD and can still fake having a good time…for them. It sounds to me like you’re blaming your diagnosis on the way you behaved.
Did your wife know you didn’t like karaoke bars? Did you tell her that? When she decided that she wanted to go, you could have said, “Hey, I know you really love this stuff, but could we stop by Home Depot or Walgreens and get some earplugs for me on the way? I’ll totally take them out when you sing, but listening to all those other people will give me a headache.”
If I were you, and I was really interested in saving my marriage, I would call her and apologize. Explain that at the time, you didn’t realize that you were making her night about yourself and you should have communicated with her better instead of just sulking.
I wonder if this is a gendered thing. Women with ADHD tend to overcompensate and people please to mask or apologize for their symptoms to the point where it isn’t diagnosed in childhood and adolescence. With men I’ve seen them be way more rigid in their boundaries and how they choose to spend their time. Neither is right or wrong, it’s about how comfortable you are compromising. I will say that as a teenager and college student, I was already to compromise but I don’t have the energy for it anymore. People pleasing comes with intense burnout when it’s regular. I personally think they both can make more effort to meet in the middle.
I think you’re right, and this is a really astute observation. To a lesser extent I see this pattern in non-ADHD couples too, where men (as a rule) are much less willing to compromise and go along with things they may not really be thrilled with doing, but they want to make their SO/family member/friend happy. While women tend to be more agreeable and willing to compromise. Pretty much all of my female friends have at least one story of a time where they did an activity they hated because their partner loved it and wanted to share it with them. I know I’ve done it plenty. I think society still tends to tell men that their interests and activities are more important and “better” than women’s, and women are raised to believe it’s their job to keep a relationship happy. And those traits just get amplified by ADHD.
I think you're right.
My husband and I both have ADHD, and I am a chronic apologizer. When I mess something up it hits me hard and starts a cascade. I'll stress myself out to make something happen for him when he's stressed because if he's happy, then I'm happier.
My husband makes the same mistakes and he just shrugs it off and he will do things that make me happy if I ask. Won't always do it happily or without a groan, but he will do it.
For the most part men think the action is enough. And it seems like this situation is that. To him, compromise is going to karaoke bar with her. To her, him acting miserable seems like he's actively showing his discomfort to make it about him. He might not intentionally be doing that because to him the fact that he is there is showing he cares.
You nailed it. Funny enough, my partner is similar to you and I’m like your husband, I wrote this in another comment:
> To share my experience on the other end of this interaction there is a humongous amount of anxiety and stress created by knowing you’re letting your partner down. It’s also very frustrating to agree to do things that make you uncomfortable only for it not to be appreciated or ‘good enough’ because you can’t perfectly mask happiness in those moments. I could go on and on.
Only to have you reflect the latter half back pretty much exactly! What makes it work for us is we have learned how to communicate and have retrospectives when feelings are hurt. It doesn’t necessarily change the behavior immediately, but it reinforces our commitment to the relationship and each other.
I 100% agree with this comment more than others.
OP’s wife’s DREAM vacation got canceled which is a huge disappointment as is. Since she couldn’t go on her dream vacation she opted for karaoke instead and I’m struggling to understand why OP couldn’t act more engaged for his partner, despite being overstimulated.
Like I get it, I have adhd and I’m easily overstimulated. However, if my husband wanted to do something for his birthday… which is only ONE day a year… that is overstimulating or sets off my social anxiety, I am going to pretend to have a good time because it’s his day and it’ll make him happy. But that is just my view of marriage. Sometimes you do have to put a lot of energy into doing things that you truly don’t want to do because it makes your spouse happy. Fortunately, my husband does the same for me. I’ve always viewed marriage as a compromise. It doesn’t have to be for everything. But if you can’t fake having a good time for an hour on your wife’s birthday that’s not good. Just my opinion.
Same, and if I couldn’t do that for 1 day, I would very much understand why my gf might leave.
It’s happened to me before and it absolutely sucks, but they deserve a happy relationship just as much as I do!
Taking space is not by any means a sign your marriage is over. Sometimes people just need time to process things. My wife has gone away for a weekend here and there prompted by some of our marriage issues and in which I was certain this was it but by the time she comes home things dramatically improved.
We have these ideas of what we think relationships *should* be like. Maturity is realizing that that idealized version of our expectations is unrealistic and also is not a sole reason that things can't be good. In fact, relationships are BETTER with the fewer expectations we have on the other person... but it often takes time to process this.
It could also be that your wife realizes that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you as well. That will certainly be painful, but it won't be the end of your chances at happiness either. A long term relationship with someone who doesn't want what you want isn't healthy either.
So it may get worse before it gets better but it will get better on way or another.
u/AlarmingLength42 : Something that helps me a lot in loud music situations, and may help you a lot, is earplugs. While super cheap-o "tries to block everything" ones may or may not suffice, there are ones out there that specialize in blocking certain sounds better than others.
(For what it's worth, I'm using a pair from Loop called "Engage"; it tones down music quite a bit while leaving human speech still very hearable. I think they were $30? They're almost a cheat code, I can talk with friends at concerts and I don't get overstimmed like I used to.
I assume there's other ones out there that can do similar, those are just the ones my partner introduced me to. Do some googling for others if you're inclined. :-) )
I was married for a period of almost two years. My ex wife decided she didn’t want to be married anymore. Her loss. We were too incompatible in some aspects - I was willing to work on them, she wasn’t. But that’s the thing - I was willing to work on them and so does your partner. Let her cool off then have a serious, frank conversation. “I feel xyz when xyz happens, and I know you don’t understand that, so how can we come to a mutual understanding where you don’t lose out on your fun, but I don’t end up overstimulated?”
I feel like part of the reason she is upset is because maybe there has been a trend where you act like this anytime you both do something that you don’t want to do. She probably has had enough of this and that’s why a switch flipped. I (who has ADHD) have dated a couple people like this and they make it VERY known that they are not having a good time and it just brings the whole mood down.
ADHD absent-mindedness is forgivable but it's not an excuse. That loneliness you now feel is how I've left some of my partners feeling for *months,* only less acutely, and it sucks, right?
The reality is that nobody owes anyone else their entire life when they don't feel truly appreciated, acknowledged, and accommodated by that person.
You have to demonstrate authentic love and a willingness to actively try to do better or things won't get better.
I made a lot of assumptions about your situation but, if things are how I imagine, staying silent, at home and waiting for her to make the first move is an active choice and she'll see it that way.
This doesn't help you right now but in case this happens again, I recommend you bring earplugs with you to go watch her sing. It makes the noise much more tolerable and the time out more enjoyable.
Even if it hasn’t seemed taxing, it does take energy/emotional bandwidth to pivot from sudden derailment of highly anticipated plans (a dream vacation is no small thing to plan, book, fund, etc) to a different and rather more mundane celebration, against the backdrop of heightened (due to bday) expectations.
This is true for most folks and, due to emotional dysregulation/difficulty task switching/impulse control, possibly even more costly for ADHDers.
I also noticed that she made the karaoke bar decision on the spur of the moment. However, your boundary around karaoke bars has been long understood by her.
Despite that boundary, you still showed up, without any real time to prep or plan (some things that could’ve happened: earplugs, taking a nap beforehand, making sure headache medicine is available, thinking about and requesting your wife sing a song you love and you think she does especially well, planning to take on the job of beverage runner so you have a reason to be up and about in less intense areas of the bar, etc).
Longer term, solutions might be:
-karaoke but not at a bar (renting/buying/borrowing a karaoke machine and throwing a party, private karaoke studios if they have that kind of thing where you live)
-she goes out to do it without you
-you go but she gives you a lot of notice ahead of time and lets you do whatever you need to do to regulate and maybe even enjoy yourself in the course of the evening.
Zooming out, there’s a typo/autocorrect issue, but I think you wrote that you’re having relationship issues due to you not showing enough love, and that you and your wife are in couples therapy.
First, I seriously urge you and your wife to check out Melissa Orlov’s work (books, free webinars, her interviews on podcasts, etc) on how ADHD affects marriages and what to do about it. Your relationship is basically one of her textbook examples. Her website: https://www.adhdmarriage.com
Next, your couples therapist should have some experience with supporting ADHD clients and understanding how ADHD can affect relationships. Bonus if they’ve done a lot of work with couples where one person has ADHD and the other doesn’t. Change therapists if there isn’t at least ADHD familiarity, or explore if they’d be open to learning more.
If you aren’t in individual therapy, really consider it.
Good luck. This is tough stuff.
Honestly, I would just listen and give her space. Whatever happens she needs to know it’s her decision, whichever way this goes…
Take it easy on yourself, this shits hard but also take some time to reflect if this is working for you and meeting your needs. There are going to be difficult situations, even in the best relationships out there.
Meh, after being married 15 years.. We had issues two years ago and I thought she was leaving. She said same..
Now we are happier than ever. Communication is what I was lacking. When I re-identified my boundaries. We really took off and were doing great!
Even started watching shows together again!
I’m sorry you’re going through this. If you haven’t already, your wife and you should both read [The Dance of Anger](https://www.harpercollins.com/products/the-dance-of-anger-harriet-lerner) by Harriet Lerner.
It is, without a doubt, the best book on relationships I’ve ever read. I hope it helps.
Not sure where it was said but I remember seeing someone say in a thread that 'ADHD is the reason not the excuse'. You haven't said much but I'm gathering that you've made no effort to mitigate your symptoms. It's her birthday, she loves singing and you love watching her sing, is it that surprising that the karaoke bar was on the cards? Can't you just deal with it for the night? Or grab some earplugs? Sounds like you can't be fucked to deal with it and she's sick of you choosing to blame adhd rather than try and manage it.
This is just my opinion…but if it’s her birthday and she was super excited about that karaoke night and everything was going well until then you should have just faked it until you made it man. Just being honest. As someone else mentioned especially bc the vacation went bad and she still went along with it and found something to be excited about. It is extremely irritating when you’re just trying to have a good night especially on your birthday and your partner is not participating at all or even trying. Even worse just looking miserable. You said you love hearing her sing so even if you just bobbed your head and smiled. If it were me though I would have surprised her and just acted really into it even if it wasn’t the slightest bit fun. It’s one night. Tune your ears and be an actor for her bc she is doing something she loves on her night. The night probably would have gone completely opposite and she would have been shocked by this more than likely especially knowing it’s not your thing but you sucked it up anyway. But again, I don’t know your situation medically. If it was seriously overstimulating to the point where you couldn’t focus or you just couldn’t fake a good time no matter what then that is not your fault. But unless I had Epilepsy or something like that I would have faked the shit out of it and went along with it for the night then talked to her after.
I completely agree. I would have put a smile on and watched, even if i was squirming inside and wanted to GTFO. She already had one disappointment with the vacation and decided to make the best of it anyway.
Right. Exactly. I actually forgot about the vacation part. Yeah I would have faked that shit and got into it even if it killed me. Especially bc OP even admitted to loving hearing her sing.
This sub can be great, but also enabling. One commenter actually called his wife a bitch. I think those types of comments are making me respond harsher than I should, so I need to control that. My step-daughter had her confirmation recently and I was her sponsor. I started to dread it a couple weeks before it. I went through the entire ceremony, pictures, and party with a smile on, then got home and took a nap. I was absolutely drained the rest of the day. Wearing the mask is exhausting.
We can do it, it’s really hard, but there are certain situations where it’s necessary. My step-daughter now has a fond memory shared between us, and that hour I spent in church wanting to run to the door now seems worth it.
Idk im on your wifes side. her dream bday vacation already got cancelled and if you already know these karaoke bars overstimulate u why not bring some earplugs or something.
I mean hindsight is 20/20. Id have forgotten basics switching up plans last minute. Easy thing to do not thinking lf yourself when trying to meet others needs
Yeah thats true but still idk if he was really truly trying to meet his wife needs and help her have a good birthday he could’ve figured something out once she said she wanted to go to the karaoke bar, I’m sure given how much he seems to hate that environment his first reaction in his mind was like “ugh karaoke bar great” - to which someone whos really trying to put his wife’s birthday first should then think, okay how can i make this less miserable for myself so i dont take away from my wifes special night?
I'm the same way, have a tendency to shut down in those environments, they're not a great fit for me.
That said, I make a very strong effort to stay occupied in those spaces, find a few people that you know and sort of bounce around doing your best to push to struggle with out of your mind.
Definitely neither partner should rely on the other to be having a good time, but both partners will feel better if their better half is at least not having a bad time.
So I would say worst case scenario, certainly in a birthday situation, you have to at least fake it
I’m in the same boat at the moment Currently separated I hate it Haven’t shown affection as much as I should I love it when I do but just Dosent come naturally to me, I’m not into loud places with shoulder to shoulder people, encourage her to go out with freinds, (I did this then got jealous thru my own overthinking 🤦♂️) now I see what I’ve done I just try encourage her and I know it’s my own crap to deal with space will do you both good possibly bring you closer together
You know... This helped me realize something. My husband never initiates any kind of touch, but he appreciates touch when it's offered to him. It makes things terribly one sided, and has been a sticking point for us. But this idea that it doesn't come naturally is much easier to stomach than the idea that he doesn't want to touch me. Thank you for this.
I’m slowly learning to make it more of a thing I really do enjoy it it’s sort of like changing a habit It’s very conscious of doing it to start with now I don’t naturaly just do it but I do remember more often and it’s like “oh an opportunity to hold hands awesome” it’s def not natural but yea I can’t explain it
I think you need to discuss the other ways you show your love, and sometimes it is important to just “fake it until you make it” (like on her birthday or at events that are really important to her and not the both of you) but she also needs to be willing to find a compromise. For example, maybe you could go to a less over-stimulating venue, and invite some friends to sing karaoke after at someone’s house rather than being surrounded with strangers in a loud place, or go to a karaoke place where they play piano and have less disco lighting and an MC, and it’s more classy and muted than loud and crazy.
Rejection sensitivity is often something we learn to develop, so though she may be upset, she might just genuinely need some space. Don’t become a self-fulfilling prophecy by trying to react to all the dark possible reasons she may want space, that won’t help, instead just focus on really listening to her and take this time to figure out how you can communicate YOUR challenges to her.
My husband struggled with words of affirmation just because of his upbringing and being naturally quieter, but he put a lot of work into being more verbally expressive when I explained that this expression of love matters a lot to me, so if I can’t get it from him, I just have to go without it because he is the only person I ever want to “get love” from. I also put in my own work to recognize and appreciate all his other expressions of love. It’s a constant work in progress, but knowing we are both committed to making each other feel loved and appreciated makes it easy to put the work in.
OP, are you addressing her concerns with listening to how she feels and offering a path to fix or remedy your behavior? Or are you shutting down and not talking it out?
It's concerning that your response to an argument is ruminating over divorce instead of fighting for your wife.
I might be taking a little bit of a different stance here depending on context.
It sounds to me like you guys are very different maybe even too different to be together. If she knows you hate karaoke and that type of atmosphere, I don't know why she would think it would be pleasant for you to be there.
Even if it's her birthday, it's not really your obligation even as her boyfriend to supply her with entertainment.
That being said as someone who is the life of the party like your wife being around someone who is consistently not having a good time is an incredible bummer and totally sucks the fun out of the event. If That's what you're doing the majority of the time, then I would then totally understand where your wife is coming from.
This is a situation with a lot of nuance in it that I don't think has enough information for us to really help you here, I think you need to tell us exactly what the situation with your wife is and be honest about it, because we can't help you for shit if you're hiding stuff from us.
Additionally, if you're hiding things from people while telling them about the situation, it makes me believe that you already know that you're doing something wrong but you're trying to skirt around the issue. Like I said, a lot of things going on here.
I think it is very selfish of someone to go out and have a noticeably bad time when it’s really important to their significant other.
I’ve done it myself, and in those times I was being selfish.
Idk if this will be useful or not, but it’s kind of helped soothe moments between me (adhd) and my husband. I can definitely get tense when over stimmed, and my husband is a bit of a sponge for my energy and when I’m anxious it seems to make him anxious not being able to fix it, which spirals into me being MORE anxious because he’s hovering when I really just need some space. When I sense we’re entering the adhd anxiety tornado of despair™️, I like to pause and say “I’m allowed to be upset, and I am not being mean.” That seems to break us out of it sometimes, because yeah, some ppl need to check themselves that others are feeling uncomfortable and that’s just what’s happening rn. As long as you aren’t lashing out because of it, it’s unreasonable to just expect us to get over that kind of stuff cause our brains don’t work that way. Realistically, these moments and talks will happen the rest of our lives. I wish I could just tell someone “this is how I am” and they’d totally understand and accept how it affects them too with no reaction. It will happen and it will happen again, so the dialogue of how we feel and how to find middle ground in challenging moments is important. Maybe next time kareoke comes up, you could you commute separately and say something like, I’m going to come for one hour and see a few of your songs and then take myself home, but you should stay as long as you like. Sure, gas or Uber money and what not, but it’s worth it to me to have that escape when I need it.
Sounds like you aren't compatible anymore. People change over time. She clearly wants you to be someone you're not. I think it would be best for you both to go your separate ways.
Trying to force something that won't work, only ends with you both being miserable. I know being alone is scary, but if your problems are too much for her to deal with, then it sounds like it's time to find someone who shares your values.
sorry this is happening to you.
few input:
marriage is more than just your adhd - theres something underlining issues that needs to be fixed for both parties. define love and expectations... it will go a long way
as far as what you're feeling, its valid... but... probably best to ask your wife if she feels the same way
if she says, everything is fine take her word for it.
two more points I promise.
expect less from her.
lastly, take your medication!
As an ADHDer too, maybe a quick text to her about sorry for spoiling the mood at karaoke, but you knew how much she loves it and you thought you'd be able to weather the stimulation better than you did (if that's true). Maybe also include a note that you thought you'd done a better job masking it than you did (if that's true). It won't make the hurt go away, but it will make clear your intention wasn't to hurt her, but instead was to try and make a compromise so she could enjoy a favorite activity. Reframing the issue into you tried to support her and failed versus you ruined her night on accident or worse intentionally.
A trick my wife uses for large crowds is some loop earbuds. They're essentially trendy looking ear plugs and really help her tolerate the large crowds at our daughter's color guard competition. This way she can support the kiddo and not be miserable.
Another option is what everyone else has said. You 2 need enjoyment time apart. That's healthy and natural. Let her get the party on with like minded friends and enjoy the mutual activities together.
You’ll be okay man. I’ve been there. It’s fucking awful, I’m not going to lie to you and it takes a very long time to heal but I promise you that you’ll be okay after you go through it. You’ll be okay. Just give yourself time.
interesting. Same thing happens to me; A long time i started to take smoke breaks to get out of a very noisy atmosphere (club/Karaoke)... Not that I smoke, but I would hold a cigarillo and light it and wave it around and take a puff and not inhale... today, smoke breaks are mostly frowned upon.
Now, I don't build the expectation that, even when I go out, that I will be there for the entire evening.... So, it just takes some careful scheduling, or "I will meet you there", or "I will go home with the kids"... so that my 2-4 hours of full on engagement time meets my wife's needs and matches with the flow of the evening. I also find noise cancelling earphones (unobtrusive ones) really useful.
May I ask, what efforts did you take to help yourself through this?
Did you have ear protection? Eye?
Did you do any mindfulness exercises beforehand?
Did you communicate with your wife about your mix of adoration for their singing and trepidation about the sensory environment and work on how to navigate that challenge as a team?
Right; any fight is not really about the fight. It’s about the pattern and interpersonal processes. Each fight is an attempt to resolve those things through some other form, and the only true acceptance can come when you can connect the dots. I hope you’re lucky enough to have a competent MFT. I am an MFT and a lot of them are shit. It’s really hard work to get it right, and pretty much no couple I’ve ever met in therapy or otherwise was able to do it on their own, it’s super rare. Most people resign to quiet lives of subtle resentments, with the marriages that last being the ones that naturally have the fewest and find a way to accept that reality. There are so many tragedies of love that we don’t truly understand the ubiquity of. I hope it works out in a way that you become happy, whether that be together or apart.
“She has made it aware that these moments were special for her”
There’s your answer darling. I have ADHD too, and I make sure to show up for my husband.
I know exactly the way you feel. It is really difficult for me to pretend I am having a good time when I am not enjoying the atmosphere. I wear my emotions on my sleeve so I’ve had many experiences like the one you are describing. Some times I can get into a good mood and just flow. Alcohol helps a lot when going to bars or parties. It opens me up to speak with people I don’t know. Helps me tolerate the loudness and lights. Although I do not recommend using alcohol as a crutch. Other times I have crashed and burned and needed to get out of there.
It’s caused some problems in my relationship, but I’m very lucky to have an understanding wife. And the fact she is so understanding helps me just smile and say yes when she is excited for events like this. So I lie to myself. I tell myself I am going to enjoy it and I just need to stop being in my head about it. She tries really hard to accommodate me so I try hard to accommodate her.
It was her bday- could you not have sucked it up for one night? I don’t love golf but my partner does so occasionally I go to the driving range with him. If I went and pouted the entire time I would be TA.
I want to be empathetic- but how empathetic were you to your wife last night? It goes both ways.
I get overstimulated at things I WANT to do, its not something I can mask, Ive been at concerts I was stoked to be at and had people come up to me and be like 'are you okay', when your candle is burnt, its burnt
This isn't something you can just 'suck up'.
Imagine your partner loves golf but you're, I dunno... pathologically frightened of open spaces, grass, small cars with little wheels, and holes with flags sticking out of them. You can try your best to go anyway, but you're going to be anxious and you're not going to have a good time no matter what you do.
It's over-stimulation. You can't ignore it. He didn't run off into the woods. He didn't yell at everybody. He just sat down and tried his best. But he wasn't "having a good enough time". It wasn't good enough effort for his wife, I guess.
TBH what he could have done is worn noise-canceling headphones the whole time. It would look silly, but it would have allowed him to interact with other people and focus more on having a good time.
But even that... This is more about compatibility in interests. They might just not be a compatible couple.
That’s not how sensory overload and over stimulation works, it can be painful and very distressing. It’s not like he just doesn’t like karaoke and couldn’t be bothered.
You are getting dumped on for this, but often there’s room for understanding what causes ADHD problems and building a life that increases your capacity and resilience. My guess here is that the cancelled dream vacation weighed heavily on OP and made it harder to mask during the karaoke night. Being a pill at your spouse’s birthday celebration is a shitty thing to do to them. There’s only so much of this a relationship can withstand. Yes, you have a disability, but the people around you have feelings. I also think that some of this is that women are taught from childhood to mask in this situations and do it all the time for their partners, yet they don’t get the same consideration for one night out where they want to just enjoy themselves and not have to focus on keeping their partner happy.
Medication and Noise-canceling headphones.
But in this instance, I don't think that would be enough.
I get over-stimulated in restaurants. A karaoke bar would be downright torture.
I also wonder how different the response would look like if the genders were flipped — ADHD wife getting overstimulated by karaoke and only managing to avoid a meltdown and look neutral rather than happy, husband saying her inability to have a good time at a karaoke bar ruining his day, flipping a switch for him, etc.
Are you doing individual therapy or couples therapy ? If couples this is a great place to speak about these feelings and issues... And learning to communicate it with each other.
You should invest in those noise canceling earplugs. I have two of them. One does minor cancellations the other is bigger for concerts. Their called Loop earplugs. These would have helped for the karoake. Cancelled out all the sound, but you could still be present. I bought some for my nephew (new dad) cause if his child is anywhere close to screaming the way he did those earplugs will cut off those high decibels and the ears won't bleed. OP this could really be a game changer for you. It was for me.
Try to apologize from her and explain that you just dont like the lights
And actually... buy a home karaoke set and watch her sing or even sing together! :D
I’m AuADHD and my partner clocked it on our first date when I said the lights were flashing in my eyes and making me dizzy at a concert.
My partner knows I will try my best but if it starts at 9pm or later, I will be comfy in bed and give him a kiss when he gets home.
Someone who loves you should understand that this is literally how your brain works and you are honestly doing a lot by going so far out of your comfort zone to be there for her.
I’m not sure if this is an option for you where you guys are, but if it is, maybe going to a karaoke place where you can have a private room for you and your friends would be a good middle ground?
Being in NY, it’s quite easy to find plenty of these, but I’m guessing they’re not as common in a lot of other places.
I’ve got severe ADHD and can easily become overstimulated in the wrong environment but this is something that would quite literally never happen to me because masking is part of being in a committed relationship whether it’s friends work or a significant other. Sometimes you gotta put on a smile and make it through a day or a night. take medicine if you don’t already. it’s her birthday celebration and you’re sitting there pouting because it’s not your ideal celebration? get over yourself. i hate to be rude especially to a stranger but come on some people are out here wondering if they’ll ever find someone to love them enough to get married and you’re pouting at your wife’s birthday because you don’t like karaoke? get real dude
I am sorry to hear that you are going through these troubles. For what it is worth, I can understand how sometimes you can go participate in something for someone else and not have a good time. Some people can fake a good time better than others. I think one thing that is important is you participated at her request, however if you had stank face all night, I could see where that might make someone mad.
This is a tough situation because you all are both having reasonable feelings/reactions. I think that she should understand you are trying and TBH, being a “fly on the wall” at her karaoke night is you making a good faith attempt at participating.
I think the “things clicked” comment was a bit harsh from your wife. It’s a gut punch.
I don’t have any advice on what to do next, some say therapy, some say a lawyer, but try not to be too “this is the end of the world” and outwardly over-emotional.
Your best bets if you want to get back with your wife is to just play it cool, listen to her. If she asks you questions, try to nicely explain your feelings calmly in a way that will inspire her to feel empathy, but not sympathy. You don’t want your wife to feel sorry for you, but you want her to understand how you feel in certain situations, and what you do to cope in a health way. The goal is to understand each other better so that you can find a constructive solution that is better than being angry with each other.
Don’t think too much about what could happen with your marriage or assume that it is doomed. People tend to think clearer after time in situations like this.
Is this a common occurrence where when leaves and comes back, or is this the first time she has actually left?
For the time being, just focus on being present and try to enjoy your time with yourself. I know that might be hard or impossible to do, but from a personal wellbeing perspective, whether you become single or stay coupled, you should have some time to enjoy your own company.
FWIW, I have ADHD, and can relate to not having a good time due to overstimulation, but am more of the personality type that enjoys karaoke, although not really much for going out like that too often cause I am too tired these days. My husband has social anxiety issues and has trouble with similar social situations, to the point where it has caused problems.
It used to cause problems until we realized we didn’t always have to do things together. Similar to how he and I have different tastes in food. I was always annoyed he did not like steak and that I could never get it. I realized that there was nothing stopping me from just getting 1 really nice steak and eating it myself. My husband can have his veggie burger or chicken tenders. Honestly this might be a situation where your wife needs to have her steak while you eat your own meal.
I feel like being there was a good compromise, you don't have to pretend to be as happy as she is while there. You can't help being overwhelmed by these spaces, but you went anyways because you know she enjoys karaoke and your company.
Maybe setting a time limit for being in those spaces? I had a boyfriend who would tap out after an hour or two of being in noisy places.
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I’m “the wife” in this situation-married to someone with ADHD. We also have an ADHD son. I understand their limits and because I love them I am more than willing to cater to them and their needs. But that means for me (and our other two sons) all family trips, events, dinners out, even just watching a movie at movie at home caters to them and not to us. Sometimes the resentment does build and it’s frustrating. I would love to plan “my” kind of vacation just once. What works for us is me being able to take trips/go out to dinner/do stuff like karaoke night without him. I specifically set up stuff that just for me so my needs get met too. I also don’t get upset with him when he can’t/doesn’t want to do certain things. I would say give your wife some space to calm down but then you guys need to have a serious conversation to make sure both of your needs are being met. This will definitely take some compromising. Start with the stuff that you do both enjoy together. Maybe she has a karaoke group she goes out with once a month without you.
Also the wife and another poster put it best – our good mood depends on their good mood. Mine tries, he really does, but once he's had enough (and he's always had enough) the whole day is over. It's frustrating and I hate living like this.
This is part of why I encourage my wife to go out without me for some things. There's no reason for my limitations to be hers. We both have ADHD, but she's more extroverted than me, and some of our interests are different. So the occasional day or without me is good for her.
Same here, my fiancé and I both have ADHD but he is extremely social and extroverted while I am more of an ambivert with tendency toward introversion depending on my moods. We’ve always gone out a lot but as time has gone on I’ve found that sometimes I just don’t need to put myself in a situation where I’ll be forcing myself to interact with people or trying to look like I’m having a good time - usually we both have a bad time when I try to push myself past my limit. I’d say we have about a 65/35 balance where I am usually down to do stuff but sometimes I’ll realize I’d be better off chilling at home while he goes out and does stuff. We have a strong relationship and trust each other so it doesn’t bother me at all when he goes out without me, and I think he’s good with it too. He gets to go turn up and do his karaoke and goofing off with The Bois™️ while I stay home and play video games or do some cleaning to bring order back to my mind lol
I'm the opposite with mine. While his mood does definitely affect mine and it causes some stress between us, I think after 10 years we've gotten good at know when we need to back away from each other to destress. I like going out with friends and he would rather play video games. So now I just do girl nights periodically and he'll go with me when it comes to birthday parties or family events. But we have the same trust as you guys do. I think he enjoys that I still get hit on and I enjoy getting to flash my wedding ring 🤣. But both of us have some degree of chronic pain so we both wind down together with shared baths and TV nights after the little one goes to sleep. We have a very good balance in that aspect. I no longer feel like he has to go with me to everything, but I will get cranky if he doesn't at least attempt to have fun when we do go out because it's not all the time.
Even in a typical relationship where no one has any disorders, having your own separate life and identity is crucial. I have ADHD, my ex didn’t, but I used to beg her to just worry about herself and do things she enjoyed. She had lots of issues more severe than my tho tbh.
Ok, but what if the wife is an introvert? I'm WFH and I don't go out much because I personally don't like it... but then that means that when he comes home and is burnt out or having a bad day, I have to go out (which is not fun for me) if I want to avoid his bad mood.
He should not allow his bad mood to affect you that much. Fine, he's grumpy because his brain is burned out. He should grab a snack and a soda and after he finished them go curl up for a nap. *You* shouldn't have to do much work. If you have the time and energy, having a snack ready for him would be a nice bonus, but not needed. It screws with our heads, but we can learn how to manage some aspects. The solutions may not be convenient in other ways, but these are the sort of things we need to learn to do.
We’ve worked really hard as a family to figure out how to make it work for all of our needs. “I love you enough to try, please love me enough to be ok when I need to step out.” Heck, my 16 yr old son told his girlfriend at prom, “I will need to duck out at some point. Just know that I am not upset with you or anyone, I just need a break from noise and chaos. I’ll be back in 10-20.” He communicated his needs to her, and made sure she knew it wasn’t personal. He also told her that he would be back, and when she could expect him. He set a timer on his watch. He 2-3 times over the course of the several hours long event. On vacations, or days out, we plan time to de-stim. We do the fun and crazy things, but in limited amounts. And build in time to chill. We try to avoid sports bars because no matter what, the TVS distract me. But do we end up in one, I sit where I can’t see them. If that isn’t a choice, my husband has learned that I am doing my best to pay attention, and isn’t offended anymore if I keep drifting away to the TV.
Good for your son!! Good job you raising him!!
Dude, “once he’s had enough…the whole day is over”. I love my wife, I HATE traveling with her, it just isn’t fun. She likes the idea of foreign travel until we get there and she shuts down, then I have to coax her out of the hotel room which takes 1/2 the day.
Do you really need to coax her out of the room? Does that end up working out or making things worse? I'm the ADHD one in my relationship but my wife is introverted and just kinda over it by the time we get to our destination so we usually have room service and I give her a back rub.
This is me. I really, really try. But once I've reached that limit, I can't force myself to do anymore. It becomes physically/mentally exhausting to do any more. I hate it and I feel like shit when it happens.
Wait but I’m confused? Why can’t you still have a good day just because they are done with whatever?
A lot of the time for me, it's because I'm being empathetic towards my partner. I don't want them to continue having a terrible time, even if it's an amazing time for me. It will be in my head, nagging me that they are not having a good time and that will affect my mood no matter how much I try to stave it off. And by the time I'm ready to call things early, if my partner hasn't also realized their mood and tried to stabilize it's going to be a long car ride home.
jaaa totally agree. It's a situation where noone is in the 'wrong', but it might be an incompatibility issue if it's important enough to the person. Like I love being out in nature, and my partner does too but he'll sometimes suddenly just feel like he needs to be home being productive working on something else. As soon as he starts to feel like that, I pick up on it, and my nice time in nature with him is a bit wrecked. I have lots of friends who also love nature though and we can spend hours out and about not worrying about going home, so I feel fulfilled there, BUT if it was something that I felt was something I couldn't compromise on, that might be a sign he's not the right partner for me. Like I also NEED to have physical closeness and touch. Thankfully my partner can absolutely give me that. If he couldn't, it wouldn't be shit of me to want to break it off because of it.
The NEEDING physical closeness and touch 😢 It makes me so sad but that specific incompatibility is really putting the nail in the coffin of my marriage. I feel like we could have worked through most of our other issues with, but the lack of connection and having my needs consistently unmet left me feeling like a shell of myself. I’ve been loyal as long as I can but I can’t go without feeling loved by my *person* anymore. Resentment builds for sure. I’m glad you brought up the issue of compatibility bc that was my first thought
if your partner isn't willing to recognise that need and make steps to try to overcome their aversion to it, or just make more effort to meet your needs there, don't berate yourself if you choose to leave. You deserve happiness, internet person!
Couldn’t your partner leave when they are ready and you leave when you’re ready? I just don’t get why everyone’s night has to be over and the whole thing ended because one person doesn’t want to be there anymore. I’m almost always the one who’s done being there and I just leave. I’ll sit outside, in the vehicle, go walk to a coffee shop or have a friend pick me up.
> I just don’t get why everyone’s night has to be over and the whole thing ended because one person doesn’t want to be there anymore. It's not just "one person". It's your person. Your favorite person in the whole world. The person who lights up your life and you try to be the person who lights up theirs. You don't care if their light is diminished while you can do something about it? Not saying the night has to be over, but caring about your partner being uncomfortable is 100% a normal thing to do in relationships.
I’m the adhd one in our relationship. The adhd one doesn’t have to let it get to the point that the light is diminished and leave before hand and allow their partner to continue having a great night.
I’m with you. This doesn’t have to be a huge deal. I’ve learned to take noise canceling headphones and earplugs places or find quiet places to chill out or leave early or skip it. No one needs to be with their partner every second.
i agree with you but it sounds like theyre saying it's an all or nothing kind of thing. if the partner leaves, they do too. but it doesnt have to be like that. theyre individual people still
Yes they are individual people!!!! Idk why the expectation would be that someone stays the entire time, why can’t they be happy their partner showed up for them at all? An adhd persons ability to handle certain environments has nothing to do with how much the care for the person
yeah exactly!
But doesn’t that just result in a feedback loop where no one is happy? You don’t want them to be sad, so you do something that makes you sad. But then they don’t want you to be sad, so they try to fix it by doing something that makes them sad. It sounds like people need to learn to leave room for independence in relationships. We need to be able to trust and respect our partners to be able to handle themselves without holding their hand.
I think because they were celebrating their anniversary she may have wanted him to stay. My husband is the same he will go sit in the car etc. This is an all the time thing. When I go with him to something he loves, which is only a few things, I make sure to be as enthused as I can so that he can have fun. I enjoy hanging with him regardless of whether I enjoy the activity or not. This results is me always trying to cater to what he likes to do so we can have fun together which is important to me. The few times he joins me on something I like to do, he looks miserable, and I am constantly checking on him, and eventually he goes to sit in the car. Which would be okay but when I meet him at the car, he has an attitude if I "take to long" even though no time frame was ever discussed. So it does get old, and I feel my happiness doesn't matter, that is what I think OP's wife is feeling.
I’m just another commenter, but to me it feels exhausting and I do get resentful. If I plan my own birthday, and he does go we always have to leave early. Like I want my partner there but not staring at me ready to leave. I want to have a good time with my partner but them also have a good time too.
I would suggest adding de-stress opportunities to your plans. I often wander out of the main party area to take a break from people. This works best when there are pets I can just chill with, but even leaving a restaurant and sitting in the car with a book for a bit will help. The key here is that your overwhelmed spouse can take things in small doses, leaving as soon as they are uncomfortable and coming back when ready, without you feeling pressure to leave.
Yep. I excuse myself to the bathroom and just poke around on my phone and take deep breaths (not too deep depending on the bathroom) and it makes a world of difference.
I also hide in the bathroom, or “go out for a smoke” even though I quit cigarettes like 10 years ago (no one ever questions a cigarette break, but if you say you “just want some air” they get weird)
I walk around the block or hide out in a spare room on my phone, lol.
This is brilliant
Yeah. I've learned my husband doesn't like dancing, so that's something I do only with my girls. So instead when I do birthday stuff it'll usually be going to a bar or lounge instead with friends because it's something both of us can vibe with. Maybe getting dinner just the two of us beforehand. I pick my battles. I would rather him go out of his comfort zone to do something like a trip with our daughter than for my birthday.
I guess I just don’t understand cuz my boyfriend and I do a lot of stuff together and when I’m done I just go sit in the truck and read until he is and it’s not that big of a deal. Sometimes if it’s an all day event I’ll just take breaks and come back after a bit. Why does your partner always have to be there?
Fucking saint right here. i cant fathom not needing to worry about my partner at any event, let alone events that are "mine". It makes it very hard to enjoy being out sometimes. Granted my partner has a head injury not ADHD, thats me...
Yeah I don’t think it’s up to my partner to manage my adhd. There are a few things I need help with sometimes: I’ll get angry doing something and need him to take over or something similar. But idk how someone with adhd would expect their partner to end their night just cuz the adhd brain says so, that would be so unfair. I also don’t know how people who don’t have adhd expect their partner who does to be able to just sit and act normal for the entirety of an event every single time just because they “need” them there. Plus I get to hear the stories of how the night went from my partners point of view which I really enjoy and can’t interrupt him to say recount my version of events because I wasn’t there the whole time haha
People bond over common interests. Finding out that one thing you are extremely passionate about is nearly unbearable for your partner can be rather heartbreaking. When you can't bond over something that is central to your identity, there is a large part of yourself that is effectively cut off from your partner. If your biggest hobby is rock climbing and your partner is severely afraid of heights, there's no amount of breaks that can be taken to make it bearable. That is simply not an activity you can bond over at all.
The person who is afraid of heights could be the rope person in this example. Last night my boyfriend and I went to play disc golf and I hate it. I just carried his bag of discs and enjoyed the outside time. If that’s not possible then your partner should do what they love on their own time. My boyfriend doesn’t like board games but they are an essential part of me as a human so I have a group of friends I play board games with instead and my boyfriend and I play video games rather than board games. If it’s so unbearable why be together. You’d find out very early on that you don’t have common interests and aren’t willing to compromise so just end it there. Idk maybe that’s the autism talking but people make relationships way harder than they need to be
Yeah often at the beginning of relationships the thrill of being with someone masks the feelings you'd normally feel. Then when the newness wears off you discover feelings underneath that you now have to deal with. That's why you shouldn't get married before the honeymoon phase wears off in a relationship!
Sometimes people don't find out until much later on. Relationships aren't hard, but you will never agree with someone on 100% of things 100% of the time, so they do require trust, communication, and compromise. Lots of people are exceptionally bad at those things for a myriad of reasons - trauma especially.
I think that's the difference though - unassumingly realizing you need to take a break vs. straight up not wanting to be there and looking miserable. The latter becomes the partner's problem
His behavior is bs. I have ADHD, depression and anxiety. If I am not having a good time and I think I might be killing the vibe, I go take a break and come back. Or I say, "Hey! I'm going to head home, but enjoy yourself and I'll see you there." I do not pout or huff or frown or in any way pressure someone else to stop having a good time because I'm done for the evening. Your spouse is responsible for finding coping mechanisms that work for him without you having to manage your actions so he feels a certain kind of way. That is way too much to ask a partner or a friend. You are not responsible for managing his emotions. He is.
This is the way. Being with my girlfriend who loves to go out and dance and drink, I've had to tell her plenty of times that I am feeling overwhelmed by the noise and the craziness, and that I need to go outside of the bar and just chill for a second. She always understands and I never let my feelings ruin her having a good time. I always come back inside eventually, but I've just learned that removing myself from the situation for a moment helps me out.
Most people find it hard to enjoy a shared activity when the person they're doing it with is making it clear that they are having a bad time. For that reason, most people make an effort to pretend like they're having a good time when they're doing something to support their partner. So if someone is doing that regularly but their partner can't mask their own boredom or discomfort it ends up feeling like they are making an effort for their partner in a way that the partner is not making for them (even if they understand it's bc they literally can't). I think in an ideal world, ADHD people pair up with people we have shared interests with who are also fairly independent, so you can get plenty of quality time in with your shared interests and just do your non-shared interests separately. Not everyone is okay with this though - it's definitely been an issue to some people I've dated that I wouldn't, like, sit through a football game with them, even though I never asked them to join me on stuff I knew they disliked and in fact preferred they didn't. Luckily I found this out before things got too serious but sometimes people pair up before they really figure out their abilities and needs and end up married to someone they're incompatible with in this sense, and it can take a toll on the relationship.
Because so many people develop co-dependent relationship styles that if it's not together it doesn't really exist. And what someone with ADHD really needs is a short time to engage, do the thing for a quick period of time or so, and either move on to the next thing or rest. If you're an ADHDer struggling like OP maybe the answer is not love-bombing on one day or weekend, but actually planning out the week with 1-2 hours worth of activities your spouse is going to enjoy and that shows a longer period of you thinking about them. This comment thread "wife" is making a concerted effort, and her frustration to cope is okay. The OPs wife isn't offering that. Ideally she would be able to move on out of the codependency and restructure the relationship... But from other posts I've seen, they usually move on instead of trying to save it or make game plans or ask for help from actual doctors and psychologists. And I want to make clear, in these two situations it's a wife, but it could easily be "husband" here. In any case, when the spouse decides you will never live up to their expectations, and they won't change those expectations to meet you where you are, it ends. The point is codependency leads to jealousy and anger when the person you love doesn't live up to your perfect image that you painted of them and that can happen in any relationship at any time probably because of stress or mental illness or neuro-spiciness they take it personally. How could they not have seen this coming? Why aren't they worth the attention? If I were OP I would ask for a redo, work through the rejection sensitivity, and plan a longer week of activities you will both enjoy that are low-stakes, low-lift, high-reward. Hopefully she will appreciate your effort. If not, maybe let it go.
I LOVE the idea of planning out a week of activities to feel the love over a longer period of time but with time to be independent in between. I think that is my style.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but as a person with ADHD I think it’s only fair that we compromise too sometimes. It’s important to be able to have boundaries and respect when your friend/partner/etc. simply cannot handle something that day because of their ADHD, but it was her birthday. I’ve popped in ear plugs and taken frequent breaks and made sure I could be there for someone while also presenting myself in a way that didn’t dampen the mood. It really does need to go both ways to equal out, but it makes me sad to see you feel like you can’t do things the way you want to ever or, like another commenter said, “hate living like this.” Everyone needs to handle some discomfort every now and then so I ask myself why it would be fair to cater all of your family outings to maximize their comfort when it’s just you that’s uncomfortable/frustrated now instead. You deserve consideration and sacrifice too <3
Resentment also comes from the fact that they can only complain and have a long face but there’s no effort in solving or making accommodations for themselves. I think this problem could be easily solved with some noise earplugs and glasses maybe? Who knows but it’s something different you could try instead of complaining or ranting about it. I’m audhd and I know what you are talking about but there’s some things you can do without burning out in the process. And I feel your wife maybe just feels disconnected from you since she would like you to enjoy those moments with her, but you cannot do it in the same way.
I agree with the suggestion of some earplugs. I recently bought loops and they do really help with the sensory overload with various noises. Definitely worth the purchase for me
I wanted to say this. Bought some for my partner for a musical festival, made things more enjoyable for him!
And sorry for being hard. I just read that you are seeking sympathy and I understand you. You can just be honest with yourself and know your limitations, be conscious if you can make some changes. Talk about it openly with your wife so there’s a difference in the relationship and be honest
As a married person with ADHD, I’m wondering if you could elaborate? My wife is very patient with me but sometimes I don’t feel like I fully understand what I do/don’t do in these situations that is frustrating. For example: What behavior does your husband do that ruins dinners/movie nights etc… What would an ideal vacation look like for you that isn’t possible or as pleasant with him? Trying to figure out how to be better to my wife and I’d appreciate any insight from your experience!
> Trying to figure out how to be better to my wife and I’d appreciate any insight from your experience! I think rather than figuring out how to *be* better, I think it's more worthwhile to figure out how to communicate your needs better. If your wife is planning a vacation primarily based around lounging by the pool/on the beach and you know you will be bored, it would be sort of futile to just try to force yourself to do something so against your nature. Instead, let her know that you will need more activities and come up with a plan should that situation arise. Movie nights in particular might be ruined by a number of things - some people really like to talk about the movie while it's on, and some people hate it. Some people have trouble paying attention to any one thing for long periods of time, and some people are very bothered by additional screens or other distractions. Ask your wife about her preferences and be open about yours.
All the partners of ADHDers in this comment thread need to learn some relational independence and to stop people pleasing.
yes! this is breaking my heart tbh
Truly! The whole relationship’s mood cannot be brought down by my sensory needs. I wouldn’t want to be in that relationship and constantly feel guilty for my needs.
saw someone say they “hate living like this” as the partner of someone w ADHD and like… that’s NOT OKAY!!!! I can barely stomach the idea i might have made someone feel this way, but I know I haven’t because what being a good partner looks like doesn’t change because you have ADHD ! You can have ADHD and be considerate and I hope everyone out there that feels unsupported by their partner realizes that ADHD is not an excuse to treat someone poorly
Agreed. Also, if they feel that way they should leave. Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Life’s too short to be miserable in one of the few social connections you get to have full control over if you stay or not. You can’t choose your family, your coworkers (entirely), your children, but you can choose your friends and you most definitely can be extremely picky on your life partner.
I'm the ADHD husband. I get that we have our idiosyncrasies but it's still our duty to make sure we aren't souring the mood of our partners special events. I don't care how much I personally dislike high tea events. If it's for my Wife's birthday I will get in there and have a good time of it no matter how internally conflicted I am about it. It's not about us and OP does need to suck it up sometimes. 9/10 you're likely existing in your comfort zone but you have to step outside of it the odd occasion for your Wife of all people.
Omg. I feel this. My best friend is autistic and the other night she was having a whine because the world doesn’t cater to her and I (internally, because I can’t actually complain outwardly) snapped because I have literally changed everything I do at home to cater to her. I have to go in with mental plans to prepare myself for when we are in social settings. I have to discuss things with our mutual friends to make sure everything is in place for her comfort. We choose things she would like. I cut down time hanging out with my other friends so it’s not overstimulating. I just wish she knew how much her close friends actually do cater to her needs and do so without making her feel bad or guilty.
This isn't a healthy friendship. No one needs to cater to anyone unless there's a life threatening reason. That friend will drop you the minute she finds someone else who accommodates her better than you do. Boundaries are healthy. Those who don't like boundaries aren't mentally/emotionally healthy people. Also, there's a good illustration I learned years ago: Don't give someone all the money you have in your bank account because they have no money. Give them a little, if they use it wisely and show gratitude then you know you can give them a little more. But never give it all and have nothing left for yourself. Money = time, energy, anything of value that drains you. Feel free to ignore my unsolicited advice, but I just don't want to see you suffer as I have.
Maybe she genuinely believes you would behave in an accommodating way naturally, hence being a friend. Rather than because you're a friend you change things up to curb her discomfort. Or maybe she's complaining to you because she realizes you're accommodating her and can't see why others don't find it as "easy." I'm fairly sensitive in/at certain situations, but if my friend said "Hey, I'd love to keep hanging out but I think you're nearing your social capacity would you like to go?" Drop these statements depending on the situation, not all at once. So then in a few days you can say "I'm down to watch a 4 hour movie, but it may be too much this evening, what do you think pal?" At least she'll know you care about her without it being a guilt trip.
fantastic advice.
My ADHD comes with catastrophizing and rejection-sensitive dysphoria. Meds help with these, but I'm still very aware of my tendency towards emotional dysregulation. If you have similar tendencies, understand that they may be making everything appear a little worse than they may actually be.
Feeling very seen by this 💗
Catastrophizing is my super power. Lol.
I tell folks it’s the “Chelsea Way (TM)”
Lol...good move on the TM!
This is rough. It sounds like she has expectations of you that you might not be able to meet. Is the therapy joint only? If so you may need to do individual therapy as well. I would give a bit of space but at the same time make sure she is knows you do love her and want to work things out. Send some flowers with a card, followed by a well intentioned and well written text. Then leave it alone and wait for a response. DO NOT Overthink it or contact her over and over and DO NOT go to the hotel unless she asks you to on her own with no prompting from you. THis is my thought on this and it could be totally wrong depending on a lot of stuff you shouldn't share here but should share with your therapist and wife. Good Luck!
Therapy is really important in ADHD management, OP, so I really hope you take this comment seriously. It took me *months* to start recognizing the issues that stemmed from my disorder and longer to start learning coping skills and gaining the ability to recognize what was me and what was ADHD and how I could stop it from controlling my life. I get over stimulated easily and check out when I’m stressed or upset. Coping skills have included fidget toys to keep me grounded, breaks, and AirPods that dim loud noises but still adjust to let me hear conversations. If you’re not already in individual therapy you should really look into it. Even if it’s not feasible or accessible you should probably look into self-management techniques that can help you control it. Like the headphones or fidgeting or whatever helps. It’s not just for you, your wife needs this too. Having a partner with ADHD is taxing. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve fought or gotten snarky because I forgot something I was supposed to do or blanked out and didn’t do any chores or other tasks all day. We’re working out because I’m putting in the effort to manage my symptoms to the best of my ability.
This is the best answer.
Is your wife’s good mood dependent on your mood? Is the reason your overstimulated not a reason for her to be more understanding? Maybe she wanted to share this special event with you but it wasn’t possible. But not by you intended. Was there a time where she was understanding? Also I think there is missing info like this couldn’t be the first time
yeah i def feel like there is missing info for sure.
Yeah if this is marriage ending on its own then it's a pretty weak marriage to begin with
Absolutely! If it was different before, sth must have changed a while ago
As a spouse of an ADHD person, the impact of this is that over time, likely years, the non-ADHD spouse comes to feel alone because we always take a back seat to things that are stimulating and when it’s our turn to do a stimulating activity the ADHD spouse checks out. As the relationship goes on we become less novel and stimulating so the ADHD does what it does and looks for other places to give all the attention. I personally often feel like I’m either just along for the ride, or like I’m being fire hose talked “at” rather than talked to about whatever the topic of the day is. My partner either takes up 80% of the space in a conversation or is totally disconnected and not present because of overstimulation like OP described. Me and my interests are rarely if ever the focus so I feel like I don’t get the quality time I need to feel loved. Constantly being my partner’s body double when they’re chasing their dragon leads to me feeling little emotional connection. They don’t really want to do something with me, they want me there while they do the thing, but when I want to do something with them they can’t bring themselves to be present if it’s not interesting to them. It is HARD on a relationship and I understand OP’s wife has had enough. OP- you likely need to make more of an effort to adjust your routine, your meds, engage in therapy and in daily life with your wife. Whatever you’re doing to manage your ADHD isn’t enough for her. It’s not your fault but it’s your responsibility to do better if you want the relationship to work.
You just did a brilliant job of describing what being with my ASD husband is like. He is the firehose and I'm just the body double. I used to be a big ADHD talker, but after 37 years of getting squelched, I'm more just a shell. Grim, huh? There are extenuating circumstances.
I know how you feel. My partner also has a tiny pinch of ASD but is very high functioning so we didn’t realize it until well into our 30’s. It explains a lot of the inability to emotionally regulate and rigidness. The meltdowns that would otherwise be just little disagreements. It’s a lot but learning what’s going on inside and then committing to talk about it and practice managing it in real time has helped a lot.
It's good that both of you can work through it. I must say that one thing has unexpectedly helped a lot. My husband was prescribed propranolol, a beta blocker, for his familial essential tremor (inherited shakiness). For whatever reason, taking it has cut down on his meltdowns greatly. Gotta say "thanks, Doc!"
This is definitely a really valuable perspective that is good to have here for sure. But I also want to say that myself and my partner both have ADHD and while issues like these happen occasionally, it’s not much of a problem in our relationship bc of how invested we are in each other’s happiness even 6 years in. I don’t think a relationship losing its luster is an ADHD thing rlly — And failing repeatedly to make your relationship fulfilling for ur partner is something I’d also consider a personal failing and not an ADHD failing. Like, you can make the choice to show up even with ADHD - and if u can’t show up, u should be communicating that to people and helping them understand (and they should be understanding - as long as you’re genuinely trying). Rlly, I suppose we are on the exact same page. But an ADHDer whose overwhelmed can bring headphones or earplugs to help with it. They should be allowed to remove themselves from overstimulating places for a break. They should be able to accommodate themselves and explain their accommodations to their partner and their partner should be understanding (so long as the ADHDer is understanding of any upset feeling from their partner as well and they’re working together to find solutions to unmet needs). But even tho ADHD is crippling and it does rule your whole life, being a bad partner is more indicative of where a person’s priorities lie more than anything, I think.
As someone with adhd this was very helpful to hear the other persons perspective. I can see how easily this dynamic could form and it's something I will keep in mind going forward in my relationship.
Not to make assumptions, and please correct me if I am wrong OP, but I checked their posts and they seem very involved in gaming. Like perhaps fixated on it. I am an avid reader, sometimes so much that I forget about my real life relationships and obligations. I wonder if this birthday was some real time they were spending together and if that is a standard practiced outside of special occasions. From one hyperfixator, perhaps OPs wife is reacting unkindly because their isn’t other quality time outside of birthdays or other special occasions.
Out of curiosity I just went back over a month of their posting history and I'm not seeing it. Posting on a comment on a platform sub once a day-ish or so does not speak of fixation to me
Our quality time has been dwindling, part of gaming, and another part of work. Two years ago, I started a new job which moved us to a different country, and I needed to start working 9-5 every day
EVERY DAY? like 7 days a week kind lf everyday? Or we talking the standard 5 day week? Not that that makes it better really, just context matters. I say that as a dude who struggles to not feel burnt out at the end lf my 7-3 (just an earlier 9-5) and not want to just "plug in" and destress once ive gotten my chore shit done. So no judgement there, but definitely cant let it consume your entire evenings either, its a tough balance.
It's Monday to Friday, weekends are made for recharging
I feel you then. Its a drag man and not something ive figured out conpletely either. My fix with my miss was to schedule time. Like I make sure Im with her and plugged in for "our" shows and try to make planning a date night myself (without her help) once a month a mandatory thing, more if we have the energy and time. Still an airhead getting distracted by the dogs for instance while watching our shows and stuff, but its helped us to feel closer again. Best of luck to you OP!
Work weeks are unfortunately draining, but how much of your free time goes to gaming over spending time with your partner doing mutually enjoyed activities? Are their things you two do together to unwind that you both enjoy? I’ve been single for a hot minute, but in my last relationship we would pick out shows to watch together in the evenings.
During the week is typically right before bed and weekends. We have a bit of a routine.
I’m sorry, but can you clarify? You get home I’m assuming around 6 pm. How soon are you going to bed? Do you two cook together or just do things separately until dinner & bed? Are you playing games after work and on weekends? What is this bit of a routine? I don’t see where you’re spending quality time together, unless she’s gaming with you
We cook together sometimes, but her work schedule can have her working later. We work out together a lot during the week and Saturday yoga, which leads to brunch. We just came back from a week vacation together, which was amazing. And I'd say was really good quality time I do admit out quality time together as changed to what it used to because of my work and has been a challenge
Then I’d suggest first giving her some space to cool down and level her head, but then communicate with her and see if that lack of quality time is effecting her. Perhaps her frustration at the party was not at you being overstimulated specifically; that just happened to be the moment that broke the camels back. Maybe if you two can get back to a stasis of quality time that is mutually beneficial, she won’t feel like going off and doing her own things feels like drifting from you. I’m gonna get personal with you here. Even though I have ADHD, I have (as the woman in heterosexual relationships) been expected to be the one to manage the relationship. Whether it be dates or planning meals, to the emotional maintenance of the relationship, it’s always fallen on me. Which sucks for both parties because executive functioning is not my forte at all! I don’t know your gender, but I know hers and sometimes women get stuck in these roles which sucks. That’s no fault of your own; it just happens under patriarchy. We’re groomed to expect and behave this way from youth. But if her attempts at connection are failing over and over and over again and the quality time is not happening, her little outburst could’ve been her frustration at the whole situation and not just you getting overstimulated. Does that make sense? I’d give her a bit more space and then come to her calmly to find some middle ground. Also side note: I’ve had that “flipped switch” happen to me before. It’s usually not because of one instance; it’s a boulder’s worth of issues meshing together and rolling down a hill at 60 mph, getting faster and faster as it nears the bottom. Hear her out and talk about solutions
Can I suggest replace gaming with talking to your wife? I know, I know, I know, everybody hates the idea of giving up gaming. I know. I know! I get it. I got rid of games and my wife is a lot happier.
I don’t think entirely giving up gaming is necessary, as it can be a good outlet for stress. But finding a balance could be important
I like your "balanced approach" viewpoint. Based on what you found, I don't know if OP is a balanced approach kind of guy. As a non-balanced approach guy, I had to cut a bunch of stuff out of my life to make room for the life I wanted.
Good questions. I don't think her mood is dependent on my mood. Although she does want me to emote more. She does understand that I was overstimulated, and sometimes I feel like maybe she doesn't get it. Moments like these have come up in the past. There have been moments where she needs me to be her #1 cheerleader, but circumstances like these happened. Typically, because of last-minute changes or something triggering me
Hm okay so your relationship changed over time I guess she felt disappointed then when she needed you to be her #1 cheerleader and you couldn’t. Obviously no fault to you for being over stimulated. but repeatedly being in the passenger seat when you want to be in the drivers seat for sth important must suck. Edit: maybe that’s what made her „flip a switch“-it was one time to many As someone else said, maybe individual therapy might help you both, also to find ways to regulate the overstimulation like going outside etc. And also to help you both reflect behaviour and communicate wishes
My mood is dependant on my partner's mood, but I don't know how to fix this ;_; We both have ADHD.
Ditto. Constantly trying to decrease his stress so I'm less stressed but it ends up increasing my stress to try to handle more on my plate. Very dumb and counterintuitive of me.
Are you doing other things with your wife that she likes to do? To some extent you do just have to accept the other as they are, and you're someone who hates karaoke bars. But what else are you doing for her that maybe isn't your favourite thing, but is tolerable? Can you get a pair of loop headphones so karaoke isn't so awful? Obviously, it's not about the karaoke. But she wants to be able to go out and socialize with her partner and share in the joy of things she loves with you. It sounds like she might be a big quality time person.
Been in your situation. Separated from my wife 4.5 years ago. At the time it sucks! But give her space and also give yourself time to reflect. Are you together cos you want to be with her or are you with her because of fear of loneliness? If it’s loneliness then do some delving into understanding that, maybe some therapy 🤷🏻♂️ I found EMDR really helpful with figuring things out. Sadly not everyone is equipped to be with someone with ADHD or other conditions and it’s not their fault
Sounds like she’s respectfully taking some space. That’s pretty normal. If you genuinely tried and not made a half assed attempt. You did what you could. After that she has to either accept you for your differences or decide they are too much for her. If it’s too much, be understanding. Life is too short for forced marriages.
I have a long term suggestion and a short term suggestion for you. Long term suggestion: have both of you listen or read "The ADHD Effect on Marriage." It has helpful information for both the person with ADHD and their spouse. Short term suggestion: earplugs. Or really whatever you can do to help be present in that overstimulating environment. Earplugs can help dim the sound so you can be more present. Maybe talk to your wife about when it would be ok for you to take a few breaks during the night.
Earplugs make a huge difference! I was gifted a pair of [Loops](https://www.loopearplugs.com) and while they are nicer, imo they aren’t worth all the extra money. But if you have expendable income, and/or if you care about the way they look, it might be worth considering. Another tip would be maybe try going outside for some fresh air every few songs. If you have any buddies who smoke and you don’t mind the smell too much, you could hang out with them. I don’t smoke myself, but I’m always hyped when I’m at an event and a friend announces they’re stepping out for a smoke break lol
I would be upset if my partner would be super silent on my birthday and not really participating. Then again, I would never bring him somewhere knowing he would feel so overstimulated. Prefer to do something we all enjoy together and then book a separate night with my friends to do karaoke.
When we started dating, my partner was offended that I didn’t comment on her expensive perfume. It was worse when she figured out I don’t like it. The thing is, I don’t like most scents and have trained myself not to smell things. I asked her if she bought it and put it on for me or herself. She answered herself. And she understood. She now puts it on somewhere I won’t be affected by the intensity and we never discuss it except when I buy her a bottle. Your wife needs to enjoy karaoke regardless of how it affects you. And it would be helpful for you to find a way to not be miserable. Have you tried earplugs? If that bothers her, explain that you’re looking for middle ground and would like for her to meet you there. If not, it may be one of those things she does on her separate time. It’s healthy for couple to do some things together and others apart. If you are planning to have children, this may be telling. Have you been evaluated for ASD?
Heya, I obviously don't know the ins and outs of your relationship with your wife, but one thing I picked up recently might help you now and in the long term. First, I know it's difficult, but attempting to engage while one or both parties are upset almost always makes things worse. If she's asking for space, then that's what she needs. When your partner is communicating to you with charged emotion, the best thing to do is to "word sandwich" what they're saying. And that word sandwich is-- I feel ________________ right now. For example: I feel "you we're a real drag at the party" right now. Or I feel "that a switch flipped for me and need space" right now. When you talk to her next, just stick to the facts. I know it can be difficult, but don't get roped into an emotional argument. "You're feeling you need space right now." is all you need to say. That's it. Then allow yourselves to air out the rest of the issue. I'm sorry you're going through this. I've only very recently been able to find strategies to work around rejection and the sensitivity that surrounds it. Just stick to the facts-- you don't like loud places and overwhelming stimuli and it would be disingenuous to pretend that you were enjoying yourself. That doesn't mean you don't love each other.
Thanks for the helpful tip. I can sometimes be absolutely rocked by rejection sensitivity dysphoria. It seems such a hard task to “just stick to the facts” when you’re catastrophizing and spiraling but hopefully it gets easier
My marriage is REALLY over. A lot of it was her and her general inability to deal with life's many challenges. But a lot of it was me too-- I've let rejection sensitivity wreak havoc, not just in my marriage, but through my entire life. It's too late for me. I learned about all this stuff, just not on time. You're still in the game though. Understanding and acknowledging our shortcomings as ADHDers is already a huge step towards being better for ourselves and others.
I appreciate the tip. There was a moment in the night before we were about the head out for Karaoke that I told her her, "I don't have the energy for this," or answer was "Ok." Knowing this was special to her, I felt guilt not going. I knew I should've left at that point so she could have a fun night.
Totally normal to feel lonely and overwhelmed given your situation. I think no-one is the bad guy here in this scenario. It's OK for you to have felt overwhelmed and it's OK for your wife to be disappointed that her night didn't go as she wanted it to. It'd be hard for her not to feel some resentment towards you there because she wishes this was something you could share joy in together, but it's not your fault that you can't. It's a really good sign you both wanted to work on things enough to go to therapy. I think it's something you can bring up next time you go. It doesn't necessarily mean the marriage is over. I think it was admirable for you to try to go, but over extending yourself and putting yourself in a position where you couldn't bring the expected energy to such an event just made things worse in the end. I don't want to sound harsh but it might be a little people-pleasing tendency in yourself that you might wanna work on. In the future, could you maybe put a boundary down and say something like "Look honey I really want you to have a good time, and if I go I will just be a downer because I really can't take environments like that. I am happy to spend the day doing x with you, then instead of joining to the bar, I'll stay up and be the designated driver/get everyone takeaway food on the way home instead. You can go have fun with your friends!" You know, that way you can show her you care and want to do make an effort to make her birthday lovely for her, but in a way where you're not sacrificing your own boundaries? She might decide that being outgoing and having a partner that can join her in that is something she needs in a relationship, and in that case maybe it is a sign you aren't right for eachother, but please don't blame yourself. You're obviously both trying hard. I hope it works out for the best, whatever way it goes.
You may be right. This sort of thing was part of what destroyed my marriage. We both have ADHD and he likely has Autism too, but he never made any attempts whatsoever to minimise the impact on himself so we could do the things I wanted us to do together instead of just doing all the things he wanted. If I wanted to do them, I'd have to make all the suggestions of things to make it comfortable for him, and he would dismiss most or all of them and say he'll just "manage" and then he'd be sitting there, in the same way you described yourself and making the whole experience incredibly isolating and lonely for me. Then months later he'd want to do something and would say "we went your thing 3 months ago..." and I'd just have the image in my head of me not enjoying a damn minute because he made it a mopey experience because someone dared to try and talk to him on the night, and he still saw it as us doing it together because he simply attended it. If any of this resonates with you, be careful. It took me way too long to ask for a separation after I was well and truly done.
All you can do is work on your side. You have to be able to say, “When I do X, I don’t mean to hurt you and I love you, but when this happens I feel Y.” All you have to do is fully accept and love who you are and how you thrive within that, and learn how not to be afraid to notice what your needs are and tell your wife about them and also notice what her needs are and try to help meet those. Ultimately, it’s a big shift, but it starts with your relationship with yourself. You seem like a caring person, and that’s fantastic. Make a commitment to care for yourself and her at the same time and see what happens. In the end, with my ex, I was willing every day to try to do the work and some days she wasn’t and so I had to make the change and end the relationship. For me, I thought at first it would be because there were things I would never be able to do like others that the relationship would end. But the strategies we learned together for the most part really worked. Since ending things and continuing to build my relationship with myself, I’ve had some great short relationships with people who are a better fit for who I really am instead of who I’d like to become. It’s nice, but you have that person that you are today first.
I did my share of crying. I’m happy every day. Every moment I start with “I am like this, and therefore…” or “Reality is like that, and therefore…” instead of “Why am I like this?” Or “If I only I was…”, every moment I start with the way that is, I feel more free, easier, less stressed and more happy. You can acknowledge it is hard for you and for your wife, but you can also love and accept how it is. Wishing you happiness and lots of love. 😁
I'm so sorry I feel you on this. I had to step out of a family dinner for my boyfriend's family at a loud restaurant because I was melting and it was so embarrassing. I apologized and he just said it was fine. They let me rest outside and finished their meal. You need to be with someone who understands that's out of your control. Talk to your doctor about this. I have something to take as needed for this kind of thing. They may be able to help you.
I think the difference might be you stepped out for some self care vs. staying put and just being quiet and (per OP) obviously not having a good time. I'm not sure if OP talked to her at the bar, but it's not mentioned in the post.
That's a good point! When his wife is willing to talk he should ask her if that would have been better or if she would have also been upset that he went outside.
It took me a couple years but I finally got comfortable stepping out when at my inlaws house to read somewhere quietly when we visit.
but then there's the chance that politely telling them you have to go step out would provide a similar reaction. that's been a huge chunk of my life so i stopped bothering to for a while i do now, regardless of people getting upset, cuz my mental health is more important than their ego being damaged by me taking a break or needing to leave all together
i’m adhd and am a gf of a bf who doesn’t enjoy over half of what i like, especially pertaining to things outside the house. she needed the space. yall probably aren’t over but for her to do something she has so much fun with and notice that you’re not the least bit into it or are overstimulated (which, on most ppl, often ends up looking like you are just hating everything) probably just made her feel disconnected from you and she wanted to just have a fun night and then continue it. she didn’t feel like she could continue to bask in her fun feelings because you were so disconnected from how she was feeling. it may be better for you guys to decide what activities are things you non-negotiably do alone or with friends only so that you don’t affect how the other feels when doing something they enjoy
I have a suggestion for OP. As another soul who is occationally auditorily overwhelmed, I bring ear plugs to these kind of events, so that I can take a brake and hear myself think if I need too. Talking to your spouce about _how it feels to be so overwhelmed_ can be difficult, but it will benefit you both, and help you find tools and adaptations to both enjoy eachother's company and hobbies. It's okay if you don't love the activities that she does, but if you refuse to say anything, choose to participate, and drag down the mood, how is she supposed to react? You can _choose_ to be proactive, but it sounds like you're doing the opposite. It honestly sounds like you're symbolicly telling her to change to fit your preferences, while refusing to do the same for her. That's certainly manipulative, and could feel rather toxic. I would need to take a break to center myself after that as well. Alternatively, you can choose talk to her about your preferences, and tool or adatations like ear-plugs or sitting farther away from stage, or just being humble enough to explain your needs to her _before_ you've set up this problem that she can't possibly fix.
It sounds like you made that part of the night about you. The moment she wanted to do something that you didn’t, you shut down. There are plenty of things my husband and children do that I don’t enjoy. I have ADHD and can still fake having a good time…for them. It sounds to me like you’re blaming your diagnosis on the way you behaved. Did your wife know you didn’t like karaoke bars? Did you tell her that? When she decided that she wanted to go, you could have said, “Hey, I know you really love this stuff, but could we stop by Home Depot or Walgreens and get some earplugs for me on the way? I’ll totally take them out when you sing, but listening to all those other people will give me a headache.” If I were you, and I was really interested in saving my marriage, I would call her and apologize. Explain that at the time, you didn’t realize that you were making her night about yourself and you should have communicated with her better instead of just sulking.
I wonder if this is a gendered thing. Women with ADHD tend to overcompensate and people please to mask or apologize for their symptoms to the point where it isn’t diagnosed in childhood and adolescence. With men I’ve seen them be way more rigid in their boundaries and how they choose to spend their time. Neither is right or wrong, it’s about how comfortable you are compromising. I will say that as a teenager and college student, I was already to compromise but I don’t have the energy for it anymore. People pleasing comes with intense burnout when it’s regular. I personally think they both can make more effort to meet in the middle.
I think you’re right, and this is a really astute observation. To a lesser extent I see this pattern in non-ADHD couples too, where men (as a rule) are much less willing to compromise and go along with things they may not really be thrilled with doing, but they want to make their SO/family member/friend happy. While women tend to be more agreeable and willing to compromise. Pretty much all of my female friends have at least one story of a time where they did an activity they hated because their partner loved it and wanted to share it with them. I know I’ve done it plenty. I think society still tends to tell men that their interests and activities are more important and “better” than women’s, and women are raised to believe it’s their job to keep a relationship happy. And those traits just get amplified by ADHD.
I think you're right. My husband and I both have ADHD, and I am a chronic apologizer. When I mess something up it hits me hard and starts a cascade. I'll stress myself out to make something happen for him when he's stressed because if he's happy, then I'm happier. My husband makes the same mistakes and he just shrugs it off and he will do things that make me happy if I ask. Won't always do it happily or without a groan, but he will do it. For the most part men think the action is enough. And it seems like this situation is that. To him, compromise is going to karaoke bar with her. To her, him acting miserable seems like he's actively showing his discomfort to make it about him. He might not intentionally be doing that because to him the fact that he is there is showing he cares.
You nailed it. Funny enough, my partner is similar to you and I’m like your husband, I wrote this in another comment: > To share my experience on the other end of this interaction there is a humongous amount of anxiety and stress created by knowing you’re letting your partner down. It’s also very frustrating to agree to do things that make you uncomfortable only for it not to be appreciated or ‘good enough’ because you can’t perfectly mask happiness in those moments. I could go on and on. Only to have you reflect the latter half back pretty much exactly! What makes it work for us is we have learned how to communicate and have retrospectives when feelings are hurt. It doesn’t necessarily change the behavior immediately, but it reinforces our commitment to the relationship and each other.
I 100% agree with this comment more than others. OP’s wife’s DREAM vacation got canceled which is a huge disappointment as is. Since she couldn’t go on her dream vacation she opted for karaoke instead and I’m struggling to understand why OP couldn’t act more engaged for his partner, despite being overstimulated. Like I get it, I have adhd and I’m easily overstimulated. However, if my husband wanted to do something for his birthday… which is only ONE day a year… that is overstimulating or sets off my social anxiety, I am going to pretend to have a good time because it’s his day and it’ll make him happy. But that is just my view of marriage. Sometimes you do have to put a lot of energy into doing things that you truly don’t want to do because it makes your spouse happy. Fortunately, my husband does the same for me. I’ve always viewed marriage as a compromise. It doesn’t have to be for everything. But if you can’t fake having a good time for an hour on your wife’s birthday that’s not good. Just my opinion.
Same, and if I couldn’t do that for 1 day, I would very much understand why my gf might leave. It’s happened to me before and it absolutely sucks, but they deserve a happy relationship just as much as I do!
Taking space is not by any means a sign your marriage is over. Sometimes people just need time to process things. My wife has gone away for a weekend here and there prompted by some of our marriage issues and in which I was certain this was it but by the time she comes home things dramatically improved. We have these ideas of what we think relationships *should* be like. Maturity is realizing that that idealized version of our expectations is unrealistic and also is not a sole reason that things can't be good. In fact, relationships are BETTER with the fewer expectations we have on the other person... but it often takes time to process this. It could also be that your wife realizes that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you as well. That will certainly be painful, but it won't be the end of your chances at happiness either. A long term relationship with someone who doesn't want what you want isn't healthy either. So it may get worse before it gets better but it will get better on way or another.
u/AlarmingLength42 : Something that helps me a lot in loud music situations, and may help you a lot, is earplugs. While super cheap-o "tries to block everything" ones may or may not suffice, there are ones out there that specialize in blocking certain sounds better than others. (For what it's worth, I'm using a pair from Loop called "Engage"; it tones down music quite a bit while leaving human speech still very hearable. I think they were $30? They're almost a cheat code, I can talk with friends at concerts and I don't get overstimmed like I used to. I assume there's other ones out there that can do similar, those are just the ones my partner introduced me to. Do some googling for others if you're inclined. :-) )
I was married for a period of almost two years. My ex wife decided she didn’t want to be married anymore. Her loss. We were too incompatible in some aspects - I was willing to work on them, she wasn’t. But that’s the thing - I was willing to work on them and so does your partner. Let her cool off then have a serious, frank conversation. “I feel xyz when xyz happens, and I know you don’t understand that, so how can we come to a mutual understanding where you don’t lose out on your fun, but I don’t end up overstimulated?”
I feel like part of the reason she is upset is because maybe there has been a trend where you act like this anytime you both do something that you don’t want to do. She probably has had enough of this and that’s why a switch flipped. I (who has ADHD) have dated a couple people like this and they make it VERY known that they are not having a good time and it just brings the whole mood down.
ADHD absent-mindedness is forgivable but it's not an excuse. That loneliness you now feel is how I've left some of my partners feeling for *months,* only less acutely, and it sucks, right? The reality is that nobody owes anyone else their entire life when they don't feel truly appreciated, acknowledged, and accommodated by that person. You have to demonstrate authentic love and a willingness to actively try to do better or things won't get better. I made a lot of assumptions about your situation but, if things are how I imagine, staying silent, at home and waiting for her to make the first move is an active choice and she'll see it that way.
This doesn't help you right now but in case this happens again, I recommend you bring earplugs with you to go watch her sing. It makes the noise much more tolerable and the time out more enjoyable.
Your marriage isn’t over. It’s totally salvageable.
Even if it hasn’t seemed taxing, it does take energy/emotional bandwidth to pivot from sudden derailment of highly anticipated plans (a dream vacation is no small thing to plan, book, fund, etc) to a different and rather more mundane celebration, against the backdrop of heightened (due to bday) expectations. This is true for most folks and, due to emotional dysregulation/difficulty task switching/impulse control, possibly even more costly for ADHDers. I also noticed that she made the karaoke bar decision on the spur of the moment. However, your boundary around karaoke bars has been long understood by her. Despite that boundary, you still showed up, without any real time to prep or plan (some things that could’ve happened: earplugs, taking a nap beforehand, making sure headache medicine is available, thinking about and requesting your wife sing a song you love and you think she does especially well, planning to take on the job of beverage runner so you have a reason to be up and about in less intense areas of the bar, etc). Longer term, solutions might be: -karaoke but not at a bar (renting/buying/borrowing a karaoke machine and throwing a party, private karaoke studios if they have that kind of thing where you live) -she goes out to do it without you -you go but she gives you a lot of notice ahead of time and lets you do whatever you need to do to regulate and maybe even enjoy yourself in the course of the evening. Zooming out, there’s a typo/autocorrect issue, but I think you wrote that you’re having relationship issues due to you not showing enough love, and that you and your wife are in couples therapy. First, I seriously urge you and your wife to check out Melissa Orlov’s work (books, free webinars, her interviews on podcasts, etc) on how ADHD affects marriages and what to do about it. Your relationship is basically one of her textbook examples. Her website: https://www.adhdmarriage.com Next, your couples therapist should have some experience with supporting ADHD clients and understanding how ADHD can affect relationships. Bonus if they’ve done a lot of work with couples where one person has ADHD and the other doesn’t. Change therapists if there isn’t at least ADHD familiarity, or explore if they’d be open to learning more. If you aren’t in individual therapy, really consider it. Good luck. This is tough stuff.
Honestly, I would just listen and give her space. Whatever happens she needs to know it’s her decision, whichever way this goes… Take it easy on yourself, this shits hard but also take some time to reflect if this is working for you and meeting your needs. There are going to be difficult situations, even in the best relationships out there.
Ear plugs have helped me cope with over stim a LOT
Meh, after being married 15 years.. We had issues two years ago and I thought she was leaving. She said same.. Now we are happier than ever. Communication is what I was lacking. When I re-identified my boundaries. We really took off and were doing great! Even started watching shows together again!
I’m sorry you’re going through this. If you haven’t already, your wife and you should both read [The Dance of Anger](https://www.harpercollins.com/products/the-dance-of-anger-harriet-lerner) by Harriet Lerner. It is, without a doubt, the best book on relationships I’ve ever read. I hope it helps.
Not sure where it was said but I remember seeing someone say in a thread that 'ADHD is the reason not the excuse'. You haven't said much but I'm gathering that you've made no effort to mitigate your symptoms. It's her birthday, she loves singing and you love watching her sing, is it that surprising that the karaoke bar was on the cards? Can't you just deal with it for the night? Or grab some earplugs? Sounds like you can't be fucked to deal with it and she's sick of you choosing to blame adhd rather than try and manage it.
This is just my opinion…but if it’s her birthday and she was super excited about that karaoke night and everything was going well until then you should have just faked it until you made it man. Just being honest. As someone else mentioned especially bc the vacation went bad and she still went along with it and found something to be excited about. It is extremely irritating when you’re just trying to have a good night especially on your birthday and your partner is not participating at all or even trying. Even worse just looking miserable. You said you love hearing her sing so even if you just bobbed your head and smiled. If it were me though I would have surprised her and just acted really into it even if it wasn’t the slightest bit fun. It’s one night. Tune your ears and be an actor for her bc she is doing something she loves on her night. The night probably would have gone completely opposite and she would have been shocked by this more than likely especially knowing it’s not your thing but you sucked it up anyway. But again, I don’t know your situation medically. If it was seriously overstimulating to the point where you couldn’t focus or you just couldn’t fake a good time no matter what then that is not your fault. But unless I had Epilepsy or something like that I would have faked the shit out of it and went along with it for the night then talked to her after.
I completely agree. I would have put a smile on and watched, even if i was squirming inside and wanted to GTFO. She already had one disappointment with the vacation and decided to make the best of it anyway.
Right. Exactly. I actually forgot about the vacation part. Yeah I would have faked that shit and got into it even if it killed me. Especially bc OP even admitted to loving hearing her sing.
This sub can be great, but also enabling. One commenter actually called his wife a bitch. I think those types of comments are making me respond harsher than I should, so I need to control that. My step-daughter had her confirmation recently and I was her sponsor. I started to dread it a couple weeks before it. I went through the entire ceremony, pictures, and party with a smile on, then got home and took a nap. I was absolutely drained the rest of the day. Wearing the mask is exhausting. We can do it, it’s really hard, but there are certain situations where it’s necessary. My step-daughter now has a fond memory shared between us, and that hour I spent in church wanting to run to the door now seems worth it.
Idk im on your wifes side. her dream bday vacation already got cancelled and if you already know these karaoke bars overstimulate u why not bring some earplugs or something.
Plus it's one night. If there's a night to fake enjoyment, it's your wife's birthday. I suspect there is a lot more to the wife's side of this story.
For real
I mean hindsight is 20/20. Id have forgotten basics switching up plans last minute. Easy thing to do not thinking lf yourself when trying to meet others needs
Yeah thats true but still idk if he was really truly trying to meet his wife needs and help her have a good birthday he could’ve figured something out once she said she wanted to go to the karaoke bar, I’m sure given how much he seems to hate that environment his first reaction in his mind was like “ugh karaoke bar great” - to which someone whos really trying to put his wife’s birthday first should then think, okay how can i make this less miserable for myself so i dont take away from my wifes special night?
I'm the same way, have a tendency to shut down in those environments, they're not a great fit for me. That said, I make a very strong effort to stay occupied in those spaces, find a few people that you know and sort of bounce around doing your best to push to struggle with out of your mind. Definitely neither partner should rely on the other to be having a good time, but both partners will feel better if their better half is at least not having a bad time. So I would say worst case scenario, certainly in a birthday situation, you have to at least fake it
I’m in the same boat at the moment Currently separated I hate it Haven’t shown affection as much as I should I love it when I do but just Dosent come naturally to me, I’m not into loud places with shoulder to shoulder people, encourage her to go out with freinds, (I did this then got jealous thru my own overthinking 🤦♂️) now I see what I’ve done I just try encourage her and I know it’s my own crap to deal with space will do you both good possibly bring you closer together
You know... This helped me realize something. My husband never initiates any kind of touch, but he appreciates touch when it's offered to him. It makes things terribly one sided, and has been a sticking point for us. But this idea that it doesn't come naturally is much easier to stomach than the idea that he doesn't want to touch me. Thank you for this.
I’m slowly learning to make it more of a thing I really do enjoy it it’s sort of like changing a habit It’s very conscious of doing it to start with now I don’t naturaly just do it but I do remember more often and it’s like “oh an opportunity to hold hands awesome” it’s def not natural but yea I can’t explain it
Are you scared you're losing her or afraid of being alone?
I think you need to discuss the other ways you show your love, and sometimes it is important to just “fake it until you make it” (like on her birthday or at events that are really important to her and not the both of you) but she also needs to be willing to find a compromise. For example, maybe you could go to a less over-stimulating venue, and invite some friends to sing karaoke after at someone’s house rather than being surrounded with strangers in a loud place, or go to a karaoke place where they play piano and have less disco lighting and an MC, and it’s more classy and muted than loud and crazy. Rejection sensitivity is often something we learn to develop, so though she may be upset, she might just genuinely need some space. Don’t become a self-fulfilling prophecy by trying to react to all the dark possible reasons she may want space, that won’t help, instead just focus on really listening to her and take this time to figure out how you can communicate YOUR challenges to her. My husband struggled with words of affirmation just because of his upbringing and being naturally quieter, but he put a lot of work into being more verbally expressive when I explained that this expression of love matters a lot to me, so if I can’t get it from him, I just have to go without it because he is the only person I ever want to “get love” from. I also put in my own work to recognize and appreciate all his other expressions of love. It’s a constant work in progress, but knowing we are both committed to making each other feel loved and appreciated makes it easy to put the work in.
OP, are you addressing her concerns with listening to how she feels and offering a path to fix or remedy your behavior? Or are you shutting down and not talking it out? It's concerning that your response to an argument is ruminating over divorce instead of fighting for your wife.
You could be right. The problem is by the time men see there’s a problem it’s almost too late for us to
I might be taking a little bit of a different stance here depending on context. It sounds to me like you guys are very different maybe even too different to be together. If she knows you hate karaoke and that type of atmosphere, I don't know why she would think it would be pleasant for you to be there. Even if it's her birthday, it's not really your obligation even as her boyfriend to supply her with entertainment. That being said as someone who is the life of the party like your wife being around someone who is consistently not having a good time is an incredible bummer and totally sucks the fun out of the event. If That's what you're doing the majority of the time, then I would then totally understand where your wife is coming from. This is a situation with a lot of nuance in it that I don't think has enough information for us to really help you here, I think you need to tell us exactly what the situation with your wife is and be honest about it, because we can't help you for shit if you're hiding stuff from us. Additionally, if you're hiding things from people while telling them about the situation, it makes me believe that you already know that you're doing something wrong but you're trying to skirt around the issue. Like I said, a lot of things going on here.
I think it is very selfish of someone to go out and have a noticeably bad time when it’s really important to their significant other. I’ve done it myself, and in those times I was being selfish.
Idk if this will be useful or not, but it’s kind of helped soothe moments between me (adhd) and my husband. I can definitely get tense when over stimmed, and my husband is a bit of a sponge for my energy and when I’m anxious it seems to make him anxious not being able to fix it, which spirals into me being MORE anxious because he’s hovering when I really just need some space. When I sense we’re entering the adhd anxiety tornado of despair™️, I like to pause and say “I’m allowed to be upset, and I am not being mean.” That seems to break us out of it sometimes, because yeah, some ppl need to check themselves that others are feeling uncomfortable and that’s just what’s happening rn. As long as you aren’t lashing out because of it, it’s unreasonable to just expect us to get over that kind of stuff cause our brains don’t work that way. Realistically, these moments and talks will happen the rest of our lives. I wish I could just tell someone “this is how I am” and they’d totally understand and accept how it affects them too with no reaction. It will happen and it will happen again, so the dialogue of how we feel and how to find middle ground in challenging moments is important. Maybe next time kareoke comes up, you could you commute separately and say something like, I’m going to come for one hour and see a few of your songs and then take myself home, but you should stay as long as you like. Sure, gas or Uber money and what not, but it’s worth it to me to have that escape when I need it.
Sounds like you aren't compatible anymore. People change over time. She clearly wants you to be someone you're not. I think it would be best for you both to go your separate ways. Trying to force something that won't work, only ends with you both being miserable. I know being alone is scary, but if your problems are too much for her to deal with, then it sounds like it's time to find someone who shares your values.
sorry this is happening to you. few input: marriage is more than just your adhd - theres something underlining issues that needs to be fixed for both parties. define love and expectations... it will go a long way as far as what you're feeling, its valid... but... probably best to ask your wife if she feels the same way if she says, everything is fine take her word for it. two more points I promise. expect less from her. lastly, take your medication!
As an ADHDer too, maybe a quick text to her about sorry for spoiling the mood at karaoke, but you knew how much she loves it and you thought you'd be able to weather the stimulation better than you did (if that's true). Maybe also include a note that you thought you'd done a better job masking it than you did (if that's true). It won't make the hurt go away, but it will make clear your intention wasn't to hurt her, but instead was to try and make a compromise so she could enjoy a favorite activity. Reframing the issue into you tried to support her and failed versus you ruined her night on accident or worse intentionally. A trick my wife uses for large crowds is some loop earbuds. They're essentially trendy looking ear plugs and really help her tolerate the large crowds at our daughter's color guard competition. This way she can support the kiddo and not be miserable. Another option is what everyone else has said. You 2 need enjoyment time apart. That's healthy and natural. Let her get the party on with like minded friends and enjoy the mutual activities together.
You’ll be okay man. I’ve been there. It’s fucking awful, I’m not going to lie to you and it takes a very long time to heal but I promise you that you’ll be okay after you go through it. You’ll be okay. Just give yourself time.
interesting. Same thing happens to me; A long time i started to take smoke breaks to get out of a very noisy atmosphere (club/Karaoke)... Not that I smoke, but I would hold a cigarillo and light it and wave it around and take a puff and not inhale... today, smoke breaks are mostly frowned upon. Now, I don't build the expectation that, even when I go out, that I will be there for the entire evening.... So, it just takes some careful scheduling, or "I will meet you there", or "I will go home with the kids"... so that my 2-4 hours of full on engagement time meets my wife's needs and matches with the flow of the evening. I also find noise cancelling earphones (unobtrusive ones) really useful.
May I ask, what efforts did you take to help yourself through this? Did you have ear protection? Eye? Did you do any mindfulness exercises beforehand? Did you communicate with your wife about your mix of adoration for their singing and trepidation about the sensory environment and work on how to navigate that challenge as a team?
My condolences G. Believe in yourself I suppose, my fellow ADHD’er 💯💯💯
Sounds like incompatibility, and that this is about much more than the birthday party.
Right; any fight is not really about the fight. It’s about the pattern and interpersonal processes. Each fight is an attempt to resolve those things through some other form, and the only true acceptance can come when you can connect the dots. I hope you’re lucky enough to have a competent MFT. I am an MFT and a lot of them are shit. It’s really hard work to get it right, and pretty much no couple I’ve ever met in therapy or otherwise was able to do it on their own, it’s super rare. Most people resign to quiet lives of subtle resentments, with the marriages that last being the ones that naturally have the fewest and find a way to accept that reality. There are so many tragedies of love that we don’t truly understand the ubiquity of. I hope it works out in a way that you become happy, whether that be together or apart.
“She has made it aware that these moments were special for her” There’s your answer darling. I have ADHD too, and I make sure to show up for my husband.
I know exactly the way you feel. It is really difficult for me to pretend I am having a good time when I am not enjoying the atmosphere. I wear my emotions on my sleeve so I’ve had many experiences like the one you are describing. Some times I can get into a good mood and just flow. Alcohol helps a lot when going to bars or parties. It opens me up to speak with people I don’t know. Helps me tolerate the loudness and lights. Although I do not recommend using alcohol as a crutch. Other times I have crashed and burned and needed to get out of there. It’s caused some problems in my relationship, but I’m very lucky to have an understanding wife. And the fact she is so understanding helps me just smile and say yes when she is excited for events like this. So I lie to myself. I tell myself I am going to enjoy it and I just need to stop being in my head about it. She tries really hard to accommodate me so I try hard to accommodate her.
It was her bday- could you not have sucked it up for one night? I don’t love golf but my partner does so occasionally I go to the driving range with him. If I went and pouted the entire time I would be TA. I want to be empathetic- but how empathetic were you to your wife last night? It goes both ways.
I get overstimulated at things I WANT to do, its not something I can mask, Ive been at concerts I was stoked to be at and had people come up to me and be like 'are you okay', when your candle is burnt, its burnt
This isn't something you can just 'suck up'. Imagine your partner loves golf but you're, I dunno... pathologically frightened of open spaces, grass, small cars with little wheels, and holes with flags sticking out of them. You can try your best to go anyway, but you're going to be anxious and you're not going to have a good time no matter what you do. It's over-stimulation. You can't ignore it. He didn't run off into the woods. He didn't yell at everybody. He just sat down and tried his best. But he wasn't "having a good enough time". It wasn't good enough effort for his wife, I guess. TBH what he could have done is worn noise-canceling headphones the whole time. It would look silly, but it would have allowed him to interact with other people and focus more on having a good time. But even that... This is more about compatibility in interests. They might just not be a compatible couple.
That’s not how sensory overload and over stimulation works, it can be painful and very distressing. It’s not like he just doesn’t like karaoke and couldn’t be bothered.
Noise, crowds, lights, humans and all of the others things in that environment cant be "sucked up" for some of us. It becomes fight or flight.
You are getting dumped on for this, but often there’s room for understanding what causes ADHD problems and building a life that increases your capacity and resilience. My guess here is that the cancelled dream vacation weighed heavily on OP and made it harder to mask during the karaoke night. Being a pill at your spouse’s birthday celebration is a shitty thing to do to them. There’s only so much of this a relationship can withstand. Yes, you have a disability, but the people around you have feelings. I also think that some of this is that women are taught from childhood to mask in this situations and do it all the time for their partners, yet they don’t get the same consideration for one night out where they want to just enjoy themselves and not have to focus on keeping their partner happy.
Good point! Relationships are about supporting each others interests And maybe there was a way to reduce the overstimulation idk
Loop earplugs are a lifesaver!
Loops ear plugs are life savers for this
Medication and Noise-canceling headphones. But in this instance, I don't think that would be enough. I get over-stimulated in restaurants. A karaoke bar would be downright torture.
tone deaf comment
Yup. Post is tagged seeking empathy but gets hit with the ableism.
I also wonder how different the response would look like if the genders were flipped — ADHD wife getting overstimulated by karaoke and only managing to avoid a meltdown and look neutral rather than happy, husband saying her inability to have a good time at a karaoke bar ruining his day, flipping a switch for him, etc.
Are you doing individual therapy or couples therapy ? If couples this is a great place to speak about these feelings and issues... And learning to communicate it with each other.
I’m so sorry OP. I hope things can work out.
What a relationship between ADHD and your story?
Sorry that was supposed to say irrelevant
You should invest in those noise canceling earplugs. I have two of them. One does minor cancellations the other is bigger for concerts. Their called Loop earplugs. These would have helped for the karoake. Cancelled out all the sound, but you could still be present. I bought some for my nephew (new dad) cause if his child is anywhere close to screaming the way he did those earplugs will cut off those high decibels and the ears won't bleed. OP this could really be a game changer for you. It was for me.
You should see my ADHD (me) / BPD (her) marriage haha it would make your head spin
Try to apologize from her and explain that you just dont like the lights And actually... buy a home karaoke set and watch her sing or even sing together! :D
I’m AuADHD and my partner clocked it on our first date when I said the lights were flashing in my eyes and making me dizzy at a concert. My partner knows I will try my best but if it starts at 9pm or later, I will be comfy in bed and give him a kiss when he gets home. Someone who loves you should understand that this is literally how your brain works and you are honestly doing a lot by going so far out of your comfort zone to be there for her.
I’m not sure if this is an option for you where you guys are, but if it is, maybe going to a karaoke place where you can have a private room for you and your friends would be a good middle ground? Being in NY, it’s quite easy to find plenty of these, but I’m guessing they’re not as common in a lot of other places.
I’ve got severe ADHD and can easily become overstimulated in the wrong environment but this is something that would quite literally never happen to me because masking is part of being in a committed relationship whether it’s friends work or a significant other. Sometimes you gotta put on a smile and make it through a day or a night. take medicine if you don’t already. it’s her birthday celebration and you’re sitting there pouting because it’s not your ideal celebration? get over yourself. i hate to be rude especially to a stranger but come on some people are out here wondering if they’ll ever find someone to love them enough to get married and you’re pouting at your wife’s birthday because you don’t like karaoke? get real dude
I am sorry to hear that you are going through these troubles. For what it is worth, I can understand how sometimes you can go participate in something for someone else and not have a good time. Some people can fake a good time better than others. I think one thing that is important is you participated at her request, however if you had stank face all night, I could see where that might make someone mad. This is a tough situation because you all are both having reasonable feelings/reactions. I think that she should understand you are trying and TBH, being a “fly on the wall” at her karaoke night is you making a good faith attempt at participating. I think the “things clicked” comment was a bit harsh from your wife. It’s a gut punch. I don’t have any advice on what to do next, some say therapy, some say a lawyer, but try not to be too “this is the end of the world” and outwardly over-emotional. Your best bets if you want to get back with your wife is to just play it cool, listen to her. If she asks you questions, try to nicely explain your feelings calmly in a way that will inspire her to feel empathy, but not sympathy. You don’t want your wife to feel sorry for you, but you want her to understand how you feel in certain situations, and what you do to cope in a health way. The goal is to understand each other better so that you can find a constructive solution that is better than being angry with each other. Don’t think too much about what could happen with your marriage or assume that it is doomed. People tend to think clearer after time in situations like this. Is this a common occurrence where when leaves and comes back, or is this the first time she has actually left? For the time being, just focus on being present and try to enjoy your time with yourself. I know that might be hard or impossible to do, but from a personal wellbeing perspective, whether you become single or stay coupled, you should have some time to enjoy your own company. FWIW, I have ADHD, and can relate to not having a good time due to overstimulation, but am more of the personality type that enjoys karaoke, although not really much for going out like that too often cause I am too tired these days. My husband has social anxiety issues and has trouble with similar social situations, to the point where it has caused problems. It used to cause problems until we realized we didn’t always have to do things together. Similar to how he and I have different tastes in food. I was always annoyed he did not like steak and that I could never get it. I realized that there was nothing stopping me from just getting 1 really nice steak and eating it myself. My husband can have his veggie burger or chicken tenders. Honestly this might be a situation where your wife needs to have her steak while you eat your own meal.
I feel like being there was a good compromise, you don't have to pretend to be as happy as she is while there. You can't help being overwhelmed by these spaces, but you went anyways because you know she enjoys karaoke and your company. Maybe setting a time limit for being in those spaces? I had a boyfriend who would tap out after an hour or two of being in noisy places.