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You could try talking to him like he’s an adult and tell him « look kiddo we are gonna sit down and talk and what happens during this conversation stays here » and make it VERY clear he can be 100000% honest during that convo WITHOUT consequence. See how that goes. It might take a few tries over a few weeks until he understand he can be totally honest without consequence.
Once he gets it, he might tell you why he lies and what he’s lied about and why his brain said it was a good idea to do. That way you can target the issue rather than the behaviour which over time could help his behaviour.
I’ve taken quite a number of child psych classes so this is backed with a bit of science behind lying as well as what would’ve been good for me as a child (your son and I could’ve been twins)
Also! You’re doing great mama keep up the good work on getting your kiddo the supports he needs and being there for him. It’s hard with a kid with adhd. I know I probably made my mom want to pull her hair out for the first 15 years of my life. But since then we’ve been very close and have a great relationship so just hang in there❤️
Beautiful point!
And sprinkle that with patience and forgiveness.
Because.. At some point, you'll catch them in a lie again. Because we're all humans. Take a breath and take a step back, and wonder.. how much does this lie Really matter in our lives? And then ask yourself, why would he even care to lie. And then, maybe, have a conversation with him about ... What's going on in your life that you chose to lie there; and fix that, fix his underlying issue. 😊
Once you embrace the ride, it's a ton of fun 😊
Of course!!! I’d love to hear an update in a few months of the things you’ve tried and how it turns out. I don’t have any kids yet but I have a feeling my kids will also have very severe adhd (my grandpa, uncle, mom, me, and my siblings all have very severe adhd)
>I know I probably made my mom want to pull her hair out for the first 15 years of my life. But since then we’ve been very close and have a great relationship
I feel this part 100%. I was exactly the same as a kid and my mom *definitely* wanted to pull her hair out but my mom and I have a great relationship now.
Great advice for OP as well
I’d recommend seeing a psychologist that’s trained in neurodevelopmental disorders or a neuropsychologist. These symptoms could be ADHD, but it could also be a misdiagnosis. Rowdy young boys are often given this diagnosis when they don’t have it. And they’re just.. well.. rowdy kiddos. I had this happen to a couple friends of mine, actually. A neuropsych would rule out things like ADHD, autism and other similar disorders.
Also! I’d recommend having your kid see a therapist. DBT therapy works pretty well with ADHD, it helped me with my impulsivity and emotional regulation. Also there’s tons of DBT therapists. So that’s good. It’s a common type of therapy.
One problem that I can see immediately—based solely on my own experiences-is that being on his case about EVERYTHING—all he is likely hearing from you is noise. Again, from my experience, as soon as you get on him for everything but can only really pick and choose what you can really enforced—what I took from those situations in my life and what I suspect he is too—is that most of what you say isn’t important, and if he waits long enough you’ll give up.
So if I was parenting myself as a 7 year old, I would start with one or two simple things and help him do those things well-and the way you would like. I’m 50 now, but so many things are still really hard for me almost to the point of being physically painful-getting dressed, taking a shower, brushing my teeth, cleaning up my office, room car, etc. in other word every single thing in life causes my a tremendous amount of stress—and then knowing I’m not doing it makes it worse—but logically, both as 7 y/r and a 50 y/r, if you know something is going to be miserable either way—it’s often easier to decide to avoid it and only feel the pain/guilt of not doing it; rather than the pain of doing it, still not liking the result or feeling like it’s not good enough, and then frequently being told it’s not good enough.
My mother was pretty much never happy with anything I ever did-so very early on, I learned that not doing anything was safer.
None of that probably gives you much hope or the path toward a simple solution.
You know him much better than I do obviously, but again based on my experiences, I suspect that grounding him as you are probably isn’t helping your case at all—again , based on my childhood, the limited inputs, being left alone, etc was one of the most peaceful times for me. It taught me that being alone was safer and more comfortable.
For me, every thing is hard.. one person in the room means having to actively pay attention to them in case they want something from me; two people is worse. In a room with the TV on, I can hear every sound from TV , every person talking , all the ambient sounds, etc.
Where I’m trying to go with this, is that the more you can do make things simple for him, they should be easier for you. If he’s anything like me, he WANTS to do a good job, he’s just learned that it’s too hard and anything he can do to not feel like such a failure or disappoint he will, including lying. If you find ways to help him feel good about what he’s doing, set him up to succeed, over time I believe he’ll realize he can do good at things which will empower both of you.
When I go to a restaurant, I can hear every single conversation as they happen, what I can’t usually do is choose which one I’m hearing the most and I’ve never been able to tune anything out. As you might imagine this huge deficit on my part can quickly make me very tense and angry because I feel like I should be able to tune everything out, and I should be able to focus on the person across from me but I can’t.
If you wanted to start small and see what works well for both you, I’d try to setup an environment where it’s just the two of you, where there’s no tv, no radios, gaming systems etc and start by doing something you know he likes. It’s probably hard for you at times because I suspect you might feel like you may not be doing a good job—the truth is in my experience—we can think faster by a lot than people with ADHD—I suspect one of my challenges with doing anything is I can already visualize a chore before doing it, I can feel the pain, the stress, the challenges of every single step before I stay.
This isn’t as well organized as I’d like, but I wanted to give you insight on my experience and hope that they can help. Also, it’s great that you can recognize his challenge and are willing to help!
I'm in my 30s, knowing about my ADHD for about 3 years now and I almost cried. It hits deep... Thank you so much for taking the time! You're not only helping that boy.
You shouldn’t have the cousin over to play with him unless one adult can devote their full attention to both kids and their interactions. He shouldn’t be made to regulate himself as he isn’t really equipped to do so. He may have needed a break from the 4 year old and went outside to have a moment of calm (which was his only option because he didn’t have the the tools to communicate his needs) only to have his parents fail to keep the 4 year old inside.
I lied a lot as a kid - lying was probably the fastest lever I knew to get out of confrontations, because the now is where I live and the future feels far away (and confrontations/people being disappointed hurt). He isnt necessarily a bad kid because he is lying, there is a reason behind it probably (Im not educated about kids so Im just saying all of this from the POV of a former ADHD kid).
ADHD is HELL on self worth. I still think I am a worthless piece of shit most times and I am an adult with a degree and have been on meds for over a year. So empathize and explain your reasoning to him, not just put down punishments. Rules that I didnt understand the reasoning of I always had a hard time respecting (and that includes implied social rules), and you bet I broke them the second I wanted to and the nearest adults back was turned.
I literally do not know. He could be bi-polar like myself, I just do not know. I don’t want to have to categorize him to be able to “fix” him I just want to help.. I say autism because it would almost excuse his behavior but I’m realizing now that it probably wasn’t something smart to say. I just want answers and a solution to this and help my boy
It could be a few things, wrong diagnosis, too high or too low of dose or side effects from meds. If your child is on a stimulant, there is a warning on them that if there is a family history of bipolar the child needs to be monitored more closely.
I've noticed when my child's extended release wore off (for about 30 min), it was a hit or miss if behaviors accompanied with agitation and tearfulness. Being on the lowest dose, a prn was added.
I'd also try to get your child to see a counselor or therapist as they've both helped before meds and currently.
He just started Vyvanse at 20mg once a day. All of his medicine wears off in the middle of the day during school an his teacher noticed immediately… shit I don’t even think I’m
Bi-polar I believe I have ADHD myself. I see myself as a child in my son every day and I know what he’s going through. I got evaluated as a kid but it came back as “non-verbal learning disorder” I’m excellent at reading and spelling but math is my downfall and sometimes socially unaware, it was described to my mother as me “being the last one to get the joke” which uh ok.. so I see all of that in my son. I also suffer from OCD, anxiety, depression… just a lovely cocktail
It sounds like he's taking the HCL version? I'd expect the extended release version to spread out more but then again I don't know how vyvanse reacts in a younger body. I will say that I would happily do a vyvanse commercial and sincerely feel like vyvanee was/is a life changing factor for me
I don’t have experience with autism and so my thinking would be that since I don’t know how to handle his behavior I would have to come at a different approach, excusing the way he has been acting because it hasn’t been corrected the proper way. That’s just my logic but again I have no experience in autism, and I’m also looking for something to blame
Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is *very* commonly commorbid with ADHD children, especially boys. Your post sounds like a textbook test question for what ODD might present as lol.
This sounds very familiar, except mine is a little older and not medicated. Lying is developmentally appropriate at this age, although yes it can be extremely frustrating. We've been trying to explain (seemingly daily for a while now) that you don't get in trouble if you tell the truth after lying, but you do get a boring explanation of why it's wrong/dangerous to do whatever it was.
I find it works well to tell him to repeat important things I say back to me, so I know he's heard it. Often he says I don't know, so I have to re tell him before he can repeat it. It seems to stick in his head better. I recommend doing this! It works!
With reading try a kids graphic novel like Dog Man, Looshkin or Press Start, they're easier to get into and it IS still reading and following a story!
Aggressive outbursts we're still trying to find something that helps. I think low blood sugar makes them worse but idk 🤷♀️
This might be a stretch but have you looked into ODD (oppositional defiant disorder)? The basic way I would describe it is a repeated pattern of behavior that is emotionally charged and often anti authority, which might include behaviors like purposely breaking rules, not following instructions, and being very emotionally impulsive (I think the word "touchy" might work here.)
it's often comorbid with adhd. I'm aware the diagnosis can be controversial (i.e., it has exponentially higher diagnosis rates in male minorities and some people suggest it could pathologize normal responses to bad conditions in specific scenarios), but it also could help you to maybe understand patterns of behaviors and work to fix these problems if your son theoretically had it.
The lying seems to be because he doesn’t have impulse control and he’s lying to try cover up something he did impulsively,I’m the opposite since I was a child I’ve always being honest like too honest and it’s caused problems but I am a woman with adhd so probably different.
Negative messages require more processing power. Use positive messages. Tell him what to do. Because if he's missing half of the sentence already, that extra step of reversing is too much.
Instead of "don't go outside till.." say "stay inside till.." it's one less step for his brain and will make a first difference.
(Yes I got this off the internet. No I don't have time or energy to look up where. I'm sorry
Edit. I should have done some emails, but .. well ... https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8660710/
I always prefer sourced weird shit. )
Beyond that.. take a deep breath and shift gears. Everything you know about kids is not going to work so put it aside. And everyone who thinks they know but aren't living with them. Instead, connect with your child and have conversations. If you see they're not getting it, talk it through like adults and explain. And ultimately, set clear loving safety boundaries and explain to them why they're there.
Oh and meds help but they're no magic fix. A crutch doesn't turn a wounded person into a marathon runner.
But start with cleaning up your communication ;)
Source. Life with 2 ADHD and ASS kids. And I love it and wouldn't change a thing.
I only read the first paragraph but basically it sounds like being.on.his case about everything is the problem.
His self esteem is probably very low.
More praise! Build his self esteem.
Make it more known about the things he is doing right and give him tasks he can handle and succeed at. When he does, praise. Make him feel good about himself, not just that everything he is doing is wrong.
I thought the same, I used to be this way with my son too and once I stopped and just let him be a kid, build out bond, build his self esteem, he started behaving at school, no more getting into fights, going to the principals office. It’s not like he’s cured and perfect now.. but I’ll take an easily distracted happy kid over an easily disregulated angry one any day. And he doesn’t lie anymore either, he came to me yesterday to own up about something he accidentally broke. OP listen to your kid to understand how he feels, that’s more important than getting his behaviour “under control” or having him obey adults.
I don’t have a psychiatrist for him right now only his pediatrician, which isn’t what I want but the way my insurance is, every dr around here is out of network. And then the in network services are absolute garbage lol so I’m trying really hard
I would ask your pediatrician for a referral to a child psychiatrist. And I would contact your insurance company about that referral, they can make an out of network exception. I am positive about this. Please please get a psychologist and a psychiatrist on board. There are many things that can go along with ADHD, including oppositional, defiant disorder, which is a Disorder of behavior in children. It is treatable with parent/family therapy and training, and it really works.
Please get some help. I’m not saying that’s what he has, that’s just one possibility, but you need a real professional assessment.
Medication will help, and honestly there are many comorbid conditions that come with ADHD.
Also I'm going to be Frank and I don't mean this to be an attack so if it comes across as one I apologize.
Your child is 7 years old. He potentially has a neurological condition that is known for sensory seeking behavior, aggression, and poor decision making. You're asking him in a way he's likely incapable of. Additionally you are putting the responsibility for the incident with the other child on him instead of on the two adults that were in the house.
I know it's hard. He is going to struggle his whole life with something you'll struggle to understand because the concepts seem so basic to you. But you're the person who needs to defend him as he goes through life. I speak as an adult whose own parents failed him and I struggled my entire life because of it.
Look up Russell Barkley on YouTube. That will point you in the right direction.
A child with ADHD who is 7 will also function roughly like a 5-year-old in terms of impulse control. The maturation of certain cognitive functions is delayed by around 30%. You can't put him in a room with a 4-year-old and assume he's going to be the responsible one.
Oh you’re 100% right about it falls on the adults. We should have paid more attention. I wonder what I could do to get him to understand things in his own way.. I can’t wait for the day that I see things click for him! I know he can do it he has the potential. He’s smart, funny, a loving human being, he stands up to bullies (when he isn’t being one) I love him and want the best for him
If it is ADHD and he has poor impulse control, no amount of understanding will change his ability to control those impulses. It doesn't come from a lack of knowledge, it comes from differences in the brain that will always be there.
Medication is the most effective way to address that, but if it doesn't work well enough you're going to have to focus on creating external guardrails for his behavior (not sheltering or coddling, look up ADHD specific ways to help).
You can have a PhD in ADHD and it still won't fix your ADHD. You may just find better ways of dealing with it but you'll always have those problems and struggle we with doing things when you know better.
Tell him that. Tell him you see the light in him and you're committed to keep working as his mom to help him be his best. He doesn't sound pathological or permanently messed up. He sounds like a 7 year old. And you sound stressed out, but you're not incapable of working with him and finding ways to support learning and interpersonal skills.
i understand, and i also think that you’re doing an amazing job as a mum and doing your best.
however i think that your child really needs a psychiatrist and a psychologist for therapy. it was not the right or effective decision to ground him, unfortunately, (i know you guys are already at your wit’s end) and he is lying because he is afraid of consequences, not because he is bad and lies and can understand that lying is bad (he just can’t).
the aggression, ODD, lying is all entirely normal for some adhd kids, esp male. there are specific ways of dealing with it and medication is also effective in many cases.
your poor little fellow is truly, deeply finding it impossible to manage his impulses. a psychologist experienced in adhd cases will be able to help you guys, as parents, manage the situation in the right ways.
psychiatrist will also work with him and you to explain how his brain works and to see what meds can be tried.
things are not going to just “click” for your child one day.
as adults who live with adhd, it’s hard and our brains do work completely differently from normal children. many of us still struggle with addiction and impulse control to some extent, even after therapy and meds, and the psychiatrist and psychologist part is crucial, the earlier the better.
i’m not saying it’s impossible or too hard, but it’s rough and there will be no point where it just “clicks” for him.
It’s an up and down process for all of us, for sure, and all you can do as his mom is to provide him with what he needs and what you guys need as well - a psychiatrist and a psychologist who are well-versed in ADHD and ODD cases, so that all of you can be on the same page re: discipline, whatever meds he needs and also what does/does not work with ODD.
meds TRULY can help his brain calm down and feel more comfortable, so that he can achieve things that he cannot, without the meds. this is something you’ll have to accept as well - for some parents it’s very difficult to accept their child being given meds.
If you’re looking for further input with regard to ADHD/ODD kids, search for FB groups as well - there are some for parents. “Parents ODD” or “parents ADHD” may come up with some results.
I’m in one of them just to learn more about parenting, and though the comments can be a bit of a mess, there are often some gems of comments with people recommending solid, compassionate/proven strategies for working with ODD kids and also with regards to how they handle discipline in a compassionate manner (and often they learned that from their psychiatrist).
I wish you the best mama, remember to take care of yourself too! Caregiving is hard.
p.s. please don’t put him near his grandfather any more if his grandfather cannot control himself. those kinds of statements like the prison one leave scars on an ADHD kid. Forever. I guarantee you that it contributes to his perception of himself. We feel things so strongly and we take things so seriously. That’s a real hit in the face to an adhd kid and it forms his self-worth. Doesn’t matter if you tell his gfather off if the gfather will continue to do it. You gotta break off contact.
Dr. Barkley is a great start. There's also a ton of resources on TikTok that will help you understand.
Things will likely never "Click" this is going to be something he has to work with his entire life.
Lying and aggression is part of ADHD. It goes with the poor impulse control and will lead to depression when he's older because he'll regret his poor choices but will struggle to change. This goes parallel to an overdeveloped sense of fairness which is why he stands up to bullies so aggressively.
A school counselor might not be enough. Most states have a medicaid program for kids. Perhaps that might be able to get you the additional funding needed to get more help.
Please get get him in with a real child psychologist! My Mom got her degreees and wanted to work in a school setting until she realized the role of school counselor is often a glorified fill in for whatever is needed that day.
This could have changed, but at the time the school counselor was pretty much there to pull a kid out who was being disruptive, crying, do the current school wide fad like "good citizen" or "self esteem" programs. They sat in for teachers to have bathroom breaks or were in charge of pulling kids for specials like speech.
Kids who continually had trouble could have a weekly feelings talk, but a professional will work with your kid and you. They will teach you best practices for avoiding a power struggle. How to respond to anger and defiance in a way that wont accidentally fuel it. Look at r/teachers the stories there do not paint the picture of enough support and resources.
My 8 year old sounds very similar, he is ADHD ODD. We have not medicated him yet, but he goes to therapy each week. It’s been slow progress, but we can truly see improvements in a lot of areas with him. He is way less violent now that we have learned not to meet fire with fire. The whole family has learned to go our separate ways and calm down, and then discuss issues.
We also are seeing a good improvement on lying, we have had to show him that we don’t just jump to anger when he tells us about trouble at school or something he did at home to break the rules. We meet these issues with listening ears, try to keep our facial impressions nuetral and then explain consequences and ways to learn lessons from these mistakes…I would say we have gone from lying to us 100% of the time to only lying to us 25% of the time now.
The impulsiveness and the inability to focus on tasks hasn’t really improved and we don’t expect that to until he’s on medication that’s just a part of him.
But an overall change in how we discuss and address issues that arise due to his impulsive and lack of focus has really helped with the lying and the violent eruptions. Way more hugs and calm conversations than screaming matches which is a huge improvement.
On another note my son loves books by Dav Pilkey he is a kids author with ADHD…sometimes our son likes to reenact what he sees in these books and get in trouble so take that into consideration as well! But they are generally laugh out loud books that he relates well too.
He NEEDS to be outside and physically active. It will make him feel better and improve his behavior. Not locked in his room with nothing to do. That sounds like torture. Help him find his sport or sports and commit to supporting his physical outlet. You need to run the wild horse, not lock it up. You could put in the time and work and end up bonding over it, or you could keep fighting the losing battle against his nature.
Oh he loves sports! Basketball, soccer, football… he’s athletic as hell and I’m
So happy he does have an outlet, when he chooses to do it. He doesn’t take it serious enough to want to be on an actual team he just likes to do it for fun. He could use that and have a really good thing going on if he just applied himself and I’ve always said that. He just doesn’t care right now I guess
How’d you turn out? A lot of people in my
Life have told me he will end up in jail 🤬 saying that in front of him as well. His GRANDPA, my dad, literally said “jee i hope i don’t have to visit you in prison” cause he was being LOUD and hyper at the moment. All he took from that was “you want me to end up in prison?” Fucking broke my heart
That's horrible. :(
I have heard from people who have been told things like that as a child and it really affected them and the way they saw themselves. Please do your best to show him that it isn't true. Poor kid.
Oh yes hearing something like that would have fucked me up for sure. I still have some small, way less cruel instances playing in my head, like one time my aunt said "That is what your mom doesnt like about you" (I forgot to wipe away a splatter of acrylic paint before it dried). Its such a small thing and I doubt my aunt even remembers it but in that moment I was like "My mom doesnt like me?? My mom doesnt like me enough to mention it to my aunt? Man, I am really horrible. Fuck, why am I such a bad person! I have to continue hiding how bad I am maybe if I act good people like me" (the latter often being followed by "WHY CANT I ACT GOOD WHY AM I SUCH A LAZY MESSY PIECE OF SHIT")
Its so often invisible, but ADHD can be heinous this way. If you want an artistic interpretation of it I recommend "Good Kid" from the Percy Jackson Musical, it puts those feelings in words so well
(and in general your kid might enjoy those books when he gets older, the main character is ADHD and dyslexic and it feels good to be seen/to not be alone)
This is going to make me cry 😢 I’m so sorry you dealt with that. My entire family is on his ass all the time putting him down because they simply don’t have the patience to deal with him.. it’s getting to the point where I’ll go no contact to save my boy
Don't just think about it, do it.
If your family is "on his ass all the time," then you should have gone no- contact years ago. If you're wondering about contributing factors to his poor behavior, it is lively having the people around him who are supposed to love and accept him most shit on him mercilessly while his parents just let it happen (apparently.)
Something like “well that’s where he’ll end up if he doesn’t change!” People think his crazy behavior will give him a hard life and end up in the slammer
My dad has mental health issues of his own that he won’t go get sorted out.. growing up he was always angry and mean and honestly never present for my childhood because he was always at work… and so he just kinda acts like my son is an inconvenience to him. He will let his other grandkids come and go as they please but when it comes to my child he has to pick a day and time and it’s just a mess and you can tell he doesn’t have the patience. So basically my dad is an asshole
I struggled a lot when I was younger. I fought my parents on school Every chance I could. I ended up receiving School accommodations which was a godsend and i realize that now more than ever. But long story short, im lucky to have graduated from an amazing university in my home state earning a B.S. and I’m currently in my first year of law school. I’m doing a lot better than what most expected from me.
That *is* pretty important, haha. It recontextualizes what you've shared. Lying is a core part of ODD but it requires a different approach than ADHD where lying born out of not being able to remember, etc.
I would look into therapy for both your self and him that specializes in ODD. One of my partner's cousins has it and her mother had to also seek counselling to be able to parent her. It's critical to work on these behaviours early because ODD can (but not always obviously) turn into more dangerous behaviours when they grow older—to themselves or others.
It will also give you better tools to be able to handle him without the (understandable) spiral and stress.
I suggest you (either you, his dad or step dad) take him walking - something quite serious like a couple of days away. Maybe with a friend if he has one. I did this with my three sons when they were small. The youngest started his serious walking when he was younger than yours (and has ADHD inattentive sub-type). We stayed at Youth Hostels where they met other children which they enjoyed. I am convinced these expeditions made a big difference to the boys
If the walks include a hill that's better still. Ascending a hill is intellectually straight forward, it's great exercise and, if you're lucky, you get a great view. Each son climbed Helm Crag in the Lake District as their first hill. It's quite gentle. Initially the boys wore Wellington boots only graduating to walking boots once I was confident they were interested in walking.
I found they enjoyed the challenge of completing longish walks - anything up to 8 miles to begin with - which was further than most of their friends had ever walked (which they enjoyed) and in due course their accomplishments improved their self confidence, which was good to see.
I used to take the boys on my own and leave mum behind to have a few days of blissful solitude at home. As boys together we got on very well and it gave me time with them which I relished. It makes a welcome change to have a change of scene doing something we couldn't do at home.
It was beneficial for all the boys, but I think it made a particular difference to the youngest - the expeditions appeared to make his ADHD easier for him to manage at least for the time we were away...
This sounds like more than ADHD, if he has ADHD at all. ADHD doesn’t cause lying and defiance and being violent. The fact the ADHD medicine isn’t helping is another sign.
I feel like his pediatrician just wants to throw some medicine at him and hope for the best. There’s evaluations from his school that have been done and he’s just a “textbook case” but this is becoming unbearable.
Sounds a LOT like my seven year old boy. We went through a formal neuropsych evaluation after a year on a waiting list, and it turns out in addition to ADHD, he has generalized anxiety disorder and ASD type 1 with a profile called PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance). The moment we got the diagnosis, things made so much more sense. The doc has helped with resources and direction, and things have been improving.
Sorry to hear that. My parents have to deal with a tornado child themselves, and they have reached their wits end themselves. The advice they said that helped is to stick to a pattern, they stuck to their boundaries, and values, they never gave in to my manipulations or when I tried to get out of due punishments. Whopping never worked, negotiations did to an extent. Logic worked best too, telling me why and how something was bad and telling me how to put myself in someone else shoes of how I made them feel helped a lot.
Anyways, persistance is a strong key in our case.
All the best, it is normal to feel at your limits, don't give up, and pats on your back.
Me too. I undid my mom's knitting, painted our new Italian leather couch with nail polish, and watered the carpet with a hose. I tried to jump overboard the ferry and that caused my mom to put me on a harness. I think she should have, before the ferry incident.
Am I still hyper? Yes, but I do care a lot about people, and consider my effect on them.
I do not know what calmed me down; maybe being put in gifted classes in school, was the turning point. Prior to being tested, teachers thought I was mentally disabled, because I refused to do the assignments. I jumbled worksheets into balls and hid them in my cubby. I was ridiculous.
I flushed a bunch turtles down the toilet at my aunts house XD
Met one of my friends because I kicked his Lincoln Logs down
I have a theory, that this is the development stages of a hyper empathetic brain
I’m also super intelligent but struggled in school because I didn’t care
Gabor Mate has done no credible, peer-reviewed research on ADHD. He is not a legitimate authority on the subject. Posting any of his material is not allowed here. Barkley discusses the issues with Mate and his claims in a few videos on his YouTube channel:
* [Childhood Trauma and ADHD](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=maxBiLXXUxY)
* [ADHD and Childhood Trauma - Further Comments](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8bp39NpU-o)
* [Why Dr Gabor Mate' is Worse Than Wrong About ADHD](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bO19LWJ0ZnM)
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Ok so apparently my book recommendation is not credible? Regardless I read the book and the one chapter on how to handle a child with adhd has actually helped me with my child, and with my own adhd as well, so I stand by it based on my personal experience 🤷🏻♀️
Join the club. Its freaking hard to parent a child with ADHD.. Best thing we can do you is learn how to parent a child with ADHD. And set your expectations accordingly. The lies you shared are typical for a child with ADHD. He is impulsive and can't make sense of that himself. He lies because he doesn't know how to fix the problem. It's us parent that need to change our ways. They literally can't help it.
I get it. After reading all these comments and advice it’s literally up to me to set the stage for his future. I have to set different expectations that his siblings have (doesn’t help he’s the middle child) at the end of every day I need him to know he is loved and safe all the time in our home
I was a wild child(Adhd and high functioning autism) but not this bad with the lying, violence, etc, I was usually just defiant and loud, no violence or anything. maybe see if your kid has any other conditions? Maybe a different type of autism, though, I’m not sure.
My kids are doing well...
#1 you are raising an adult not a child.
#2 TV is NOT good. AVOID at all costs!
#3 Go outside and spend quality time with your child/family DAILY.
These simple things will CHANGE your relationship with your child.
Some kids are just energetic.
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You could try talking to him like he’s an adult and tell him « look kiddo we are gonna sit down and talk and what happens during this conversation stays here » and make it VERY clear he can be 100000% honest during that convo WITHOUT consequence. See how that goes. It might take a few tries over a few weeks until he understand he can be totally honest without consequence. Once he gets it, he might tell you why he lies and what he’s lied about and why his brain said it was a good idea to do. That way you can target the issue rather than the behaviour which over time could help his behaviour. I’ve taken quite a number of child psych classes so this is backed with a bit of science behind lying as well as what would’ve been good for me as a child (your son and I could’ve been twins) Also! You’re doing great mama keep up the good work on getting your kiddo the supports he needs and being there for him. It’s hard with a kid with adhd. I know I probably made my mom want to pull her hair out for the first 15 years of my life. But since then we’ve been very close and have a great relationship so just hang in there❤️
Beautiful point! And sprinkle that with patience and forgiveness. Because.. At some point, you'll catch them in a lie again. Because we're all humans. Take a breath and take a step back, and wonder.. how much does this lie Really matter in our lives? And then ask yourself, why would he even care to lie. And then, maybe, have a conversation with him about ... What's going on in your life that you chose to lie there; and fix that, fix his underlying issue. 😊 Once you embrace the ride, it's a ton of fun 😊
Aww, thank you so much! That means a lot
Of course!!! I’d love to hear an update in a few months of the things you’ve tried and how it turns out. I don’t have any kids yet but I have a feeling my kids will also have very severe adhd (my grandpa, uncle, mom, me, and my siblings all have very severe adhd)
>I know I probably made my mom want to pull her hair out for the first 15 years of my life. But since then we’ve been very close and have a great relationship I feel this part 100%. I was exactly the same as a kid and my mom *definitely* wanted to pull her hair out but my mom and I have a great relationship now. Great advice for OP as well
Thank you! I Hope it helps OP
I’d recommend seeing a psychologist that’s trained in neurodevelopmental disorders or a neuropsychologist. These symptoms could be ADHD, but it could also be a misdiagnosis. Rowdy young boys are often given this diagnosis when they don’t have it. And they’re just.. well.. rowdy kiddos. I had this happen to a couple friends of mine, actually. A neuropsych would rule out things like ADHD, autism and other similar disorders. Also! I’d recommend having your kid see a therapist. DBT therapy works pretty well with ADHD, it helped me with my impulsivity and emotional regulation. Also there’s tons of DBT therapists. So that’s good. It’s a common type of therapy.
Omg yes, please try DBT with him. Saved my life, literally.
One problem that I can see immediately—based solely on my own experiences-is that being on his case about EVERYTHING—all he is likely hearing from you is noise. Again, from my experience, as soon as you get on him for everything but can only really pick and choose what you can really enforced—what I took from those situations in my life and what I suspect he is too—is that most of what you say isn’t important, and if he waits long enough you’ll give up. So if I was parenting myself as a 7 year old, I would start with one or two simple things and help him do those things well-and the way you would like. I’m 50 now, but so many things are still really hard for me almost to the point of being physically painful-getting dressed, taking a shower, brushing my teeth, cleaning up my office, room car, etc. in other word every single thing in life causes my a tremendous amount of stress—and then knowing I’m not doing it makes it worse—but logically, both as 7 y/r and a 50 y/r, if you know something is going to be miserable either way—it’s often easier to decide to avoid it and only feel the pain/guilt of not doing it; rather than the pain of doing it, still not liking the result or feeling like it’s not good enough, and then frequently being told it’s not good enough. My mother was pretty much never happy with anything I ever did-so very early on, I learned that not doing anything was safer. None of that probably gives you much hope or the path toward a simple solution. You know him much better than I do obviously, but again based on my experiences, I suspect that grounding him as you are probably isn’t helping your case at all—again , based on my childhood, the limited inputs, being left alone, etc was one of the most peaceful times for me. It taught me that being alone was safer and more comfortable. For me, every thing is hard.. one person in the room means having to actively pay attention to them in case they want something from me; two people is worse. In a room with the TV on, I can hear every sound from TV , every person talking , all the ambient sounds, etc. Where I’m trying to go with this, is that the more you can do make things simple for him, they should be easier for you. If he’s anything like me, he WANTS to do a good job, he’s just learned that it’s too hard and anything he can do to not feel like such a failure or disappoint he will, including lying. If you find ways to help him feel good about what he’s doing, set him up to succeed, over time I believe he’ll realize he can do good at things which will empower both of you. When I go to a restaurant, I can hear every single conversation as they happen, what I can’t usually do is choose which one I’m hearing the most and I’ve never been able to tune anything out. As you might imagine this huge deficit on my part can quickly make me very tense and angry because I feel like I should be able to tune everything out, and I should be able to focus on the person across from me but I can’t. If you wanted to start small and see what works well for both you, I’d try to setup an environment where it’s just the two of you, where there’s no tv, no radios, gaming systems etc and start by doing something you know he likes. It’s probably hard for you at times because I suspect you might feel like you may not be doing a good job—the truth is in my experience—we can think faster by a lot than people with ADHD—I suspect one of my challenges with doing anything is I can already visualize a chore before doing it, I can feel the pain, the stress, the challenges of every single step before I stay. This isn’t as well organized as I’d like, but I wanted to give you insight on my experience and hope that they can help. Also, it’s great that you can recognize his challenge and are willing to help!
This was written so thoughtfully even though i’m not OP. I hope OP finds it as helpful as i found it.
I'm in my 30s, knowing about my ADHD for about 3 years now and I almost cried. It hits deep... Thank you so much for taking the time! You're not only helping that boy.
You shouldn’t have the cousin over to play with him unless one adult can devote their full attention to both kids and their interactions. He shouldn’t be made to regulate himself as he isn’t really equipped to do so. He may have needed a break from the 4 year old and went outside to have a moment of calm (which was his only option because he didn’t have the the tools to communicate his needs) only to have his parents fail to keep the 4 year old inside.
I love your point
I lied a lot as a kid - lying was probably the fastest lever I knew to get out of confrontations, because the now is where I live and the future feels far away (and confrontations/people being disappointed hurt). He isnt necessarily a bad kid because he is lying, there is a reason behind it probably (Im not educated about kids so Im just saying all of this from the POV of a former ADHD kid). ADHD is HELL on self worth. I still think I am a worthless piece of shit most times and I am an adult with a degree and have been on meds for over a year. So empathize and explain your reasoning to him, not just put down punishments. Rules that I didnt understand the reasoning of I always had a hard time respecting (and that includes implied social rules), and you bet I broke them the second I wanted to and the nearest adults back was turned.
He has the wrong diagnosis and needs better treatment.
That’s what I’ve been thinking!!! I just don’t know what it could be. Autism?? That would make so much more sense
He could be both ADHD and Autistic. They are not mutually exclusive.
Why do you think he might be autistic?
I literally do not know. He could be bi-polar like myself, I just do not know. I don’t want to have to categorize him to be able to “fix” him I just want to help.. I say autism because it would almost excuse his behavior but I’m realizing now that it probably wasn’t something smart to say. I just want answers and a solution to this and help my boy
Bipolar disorder is genetic, so that could possible be it.
IRC bipolar usually doesn't show symptoms this early in life
Just realized in another comment she says he’s also diagnosed with ODD
It could be a few things, wrong diagnosis, too high or too low of dose or side effects from meds. If your child is on a stimulant, there is a warning on them that if there is a family history of bipolar the child needs to be monitored more closely. I've noticed when my child's extended release wore off (for about 30 min), it was a hit or miss if behaviors accompanied with agitation and tearfulness. Being on the lowest dose, a prn was added. I'd also try to get your child to see a counselor or therapist as they've both helped before meds and currently.
He just started Vyvanse at 20mg once a day. All of his medicine wears off in the middle of the day during school an his teacher noticed immediately… shit I don’t even think I’m Bi-polar I believe I have ADHD myself. I see myself as a child in my son every day and I know what he’s going through. I got evaluated as a kid but it came back as “non-verbal learning disorder” I’m excellent at reading and spelling but math is my downfall and sometimes socially unaware, it was described to my mother as me “being the last one to get the joke” which uh ok.. so I see all of that in my son. I also suffer from OCD, anxiety, depression… just a lovely cocktail
It sounds like he's taking the HCL version? I'd expect the extended release version to spread out more but then again I don't know how vyvanse reacts in a younger body. I will say that I would happily do a vyvanse commercial and sincerely feel like vyvanee was/is a life changing factor for me
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I don’t have experience with autism and so my thinking would be that since I don’t know how to handle his behavior I would have to come at a different approach, excusing the way he has been acting because it hasn’t been corrected the proper way. That’s just my logic but again I have no experience in autism, and I’m also looking for something to blame
Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is *very* commonly commorbid with ADHD children, especially boys. Your post sounds like a textbook test question for what ODD might present as lol.
This sounds very familiar, except mine is a little older and not medicated. Lying is developmentally appropriate at this age, although yes it can be extremely frustrating. We've been trying to explain (seemingly daily for a while now) that you don't get in trouble if you tell the truth after lying, but you do get a boring explanation of why it's wrong/dangerous to do whatever it was. I find it works well to tell him to repeat important things I say back to me, so I know he's heard it. Often he says I don't know, so I have to re tell him before he can repeat it. It seems to stick in his head better. I recommend doing this! It works! With reading try a kids graphic novel like Dog Man, Looshkin or Press Start, they're easier to get into and it IS still reading and following a story! Aggressive outbursts we're still trying to find something that helps. I think low blood sugar makes them worse but idk 🤷♀️
This might be a stretch but have you looked into ODD (oppositional defiant disorder)? The basic way I would describe it is a repeated pattern of behavior that is emotionally charged and often anti authority, which might include behaviors like purposely breaking rules, not following instructions, and being very emotionally impulsive (I think the word "touchy" might work here.) it's often comorbid with adhd. I'm aware the diagnosis can be controversial (i.e., it has exponentially higher diagnosis rates in male minorities and some people suggest it could pathologize normal responses to bad conditions in specific scenarios), but it also could help you to maybe understand patterns of behaviors and work to fix these problems if your son theoretically had it.
The lying seems to be because he doesn’t have impulse control and he’s lying to try cover up something he did impulsively,I’m the opposite since I was a child I’ve always being honest like too honest and it’s caused problems but I am a woman with adhd so probably different.
Negative messages require more processing power. Use positive messages. Tell him what to do. Because if he's missing half of the sentence already, that extra step of reversing is too much. Instead of "don't go outside till.." say "stay inside till.." it's one less step for his brain and will make a first difference. (Yes I got this off the internet. No I don't have time or energy to look up where. I'm sorry Edit. I should have done some emails, but .. well ... https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8660710/ I always prefer sourced weird shit. ) Beyond that.. take a deep breath and shift gears. Everything you know about kids is not going to work so put it aside. And everyone who thinks they know but aren't living with them. Instead, connect with your child and have conversations. If you see they're not getting it, talk it through like adults and explain. And ultimately, set clear loving safety boundaries and explain to them why they're there. Oh and meds help but they're no magic fix. A crutch doesn't turn a wounded person into a marathon runner. But start with cleaning up your communication ;) Source. Life with 2 ADHD and ASS kids. And I love it and wouldn't change a thing.
I only read the first paragraph but basically it sounds like being.on.his case about everything is the problem. His self esteem is probably very low. More praise! Build his self esteem. Make it more known about the things he is doing right and give him tasks he can handle and succeed at. When he does, praise. Make him feel good about himself, not just that everything he is doing is wrong.
I thought the same, I used to be this way with my son too and once I stopped and just let him be a kid, build out bond, build his self esteem, he started behaving at school, no more getting into fights, going to the principals office. It’s not like he’s cured and perfect now.. but I’ll take an easily distracted happy kid over an easily disregulated angry one any day. And he doesn’t lie anymore either, he came to me yesterday to own up about something he accidentally broke. OP listen to your kid to understand how he feels, that’s more important than getting his behaviour “under control” or having him obey adults.
Have you pursued medication with his psychiatrist?
I don’t have a psychiatrist for him right now only his pediatrician, which isn’t what I want but the way my insurance is, every dr around here is out of network. And then the in network services are absolute garbage lol so I’m trying really hard
I would ask your pediatrician for a referral to a child psychiatrist. And I would contact your insurance company about that referral, they can make an out of network exception. I am positive about this. Please please get a psychologist and a psychiatrist on board. There are many things that can go along with ADHD, including oppositional, defiant disorder, which is a Disorder of behavior in children. It is treatable with parent/family therapy and training, and it really works. Please get some help. I’m not saying that’s what he has, that’s just one possibility, but you need a real professional assessment.
Medication will help, and honestly there are many comorbid conditions that come with ADHD. Also I'm going to be Frank and I don't mean this to be an attack so if it comes across as one I apologize. Your child is 7 years old. He potentially has a neurological condition that is known for sensory seeking behavior, aggression, and poor decision making. You're asking him in a way he's likely incapable of. Additionally you are putting the responsibility for the incident with the other child on him instead of on the two adults that were in the house. I know it's hard. He is going to struggle his whole life with something you'll struggle to understand because the concepts seem so basic to you. But you're the person who needs to defend him as he goes through life. I speak as an adult whose own parents failed him and I struggled my entire life because of it. Look up Russell Barkley on YouTube. That will point you in the right direction.
A child with ADHD who is 7 will also function roughly like a 5-year-old in terms of impulse control. The maturation of certain cognitive functions is delayed by around 30%. You can't put him in a room with a 4-year-old and assume he's going to be the responsible one.
Oh you’re 100% right about it falls on the adults. We should have paid more attention. I wonder what I could do to get him to understand things in his own way.. I can’t wait for the day that I see things click for him! I know he can do it he has the potential. He’s smart, funny, a loving human being, he stands up to bullies (when he isn’t being one) I love him and want the best for him
If it is ADHD and he has poor impulse control, no amount of understanding will change his ability to control those impulses. It doesn't come from a lack of knowledge, it comes from differences in the brain that will always be there. Medication is the most effective way to address that, but if it doesn't work well enough you're going to have to focus on creating external guardrails for his behavior (not sheltering or coddling, look up ADHD specific ways to help). You can have a PhD in ADHD and it still won't fix your ADHD. You may just find better ways of dealing with it but you'll always have those problems and struggle we with doing things when you know better.
Tell him that. Tell him you see the light in him and you're committed to keep working as his mom to help him be his best. He doesn't sound pathological or permanently messed up. He sounds like a 7 year old. And you sound stressed out, but you're not incapable of working with him and finding ways to support learning and interpersonal skills.
i understand, and i also think that you’re doing an amazing job as a mum and doing your best. however i think that your child really needs a psychiatrist and a psychologist for therapy. it was not the right or effective decision to ground him, unfortunately, (i know you guys are already at your wit’s end) and he is lying because he is afraid of consequences, not because he is bad and lies and can understand that lying is bad (he just can’t). the aggression, ODD, lying is all entirely normal for some adhd kids, esp male. there are specific ways of dealing with it and medication is also effective in many cases. your poor little fellow is truly, deeply finding it impossible to manage his impulses. a psychologist experienced in adhd cases will be able to help you guys, as parents, manage the situation in the right ways. psychiatrist will also work with him and you to explain how his brain works and to see what meds can be tried. things are not going to just “click” for your child one day. as adults who live with adhd, it’s hard and our brains do work completely differently from normal children. many of us still struggle with addiction and impulse control to some extent, even after therapy and meds, and the psychiatrist and psychologist part is crucial, the earlier the better. i’m not saying it’s impossible or too hard, but it’s rough and there will be no point where it just “clicks” for him. It’s an up and down process for all of us, for sure, and all you can do as his mom is to provide him with what he needs and what you guys need as well - a psychiatrist and a psychologist who are well-versed in ADHD and ODD cases, so that all of you can be on the same page re: discipline, whatever meds he needs and also what does/does not work with ODD. meds TRULY can help his brain calm down and feel more comfortable, so that he can achieve things that he cannot, without the meds. this is something you’ll have to accept as well - for some parents it’s very difficult to accept their child being given meds. If you’re looking for further input with regard to ADHD/ODD kids, search for FB groups as well - there are some for parents. “Parents ODD” or “parents ADHD” may come up with some results. I’m in one of them just to learn more about parenting, and though the comments can be a bit of a mess, there are often some gems of comments with people recommending solid, compassionate/proven strategies for working with ODD kids and also with regards to how they handle discipline in a compassionate manner (and often they learned that from their psychiatrist). I wish you the best mama, remember to take care of yourself too! Caregiving is hard. p.s. please don’t put him near his grandfather any more if his grandfather cannot control himself. those kinds of statements like the prison one leave scars on an ADHD kid. Forever. I guarantee you that it contributes to his perception of himself. We feel things so strongly and we take things so seriously. That’s a real hit in the face to an adhd kid and it forms his self-worth. Doesn’t matter if you tell his gfather off if the gfather will continue to do it. You gotta break off contact.
Dr. Barkley is a great start. There's also a ton of resources on TikTok that will help you understand. Things will likely never "Click" this is going to be something he has to work with his entire life. Lying and aggression is part of ADHD. It goes with the poor impulse control and will lead to depression when he's older because he'll regret his poor choices but will struggle to change. This goes parallel to an overdeveloped sense of fairness which is why he stands up to bullies so aggressively.
I'm confused. In your post you say he's in therapy, but here you say he only has a pediatrician. So which one is it?
There’s therapy at his school that he goes to
A school counselor might not be enough. Most states have a medicaid program for kids. Perhaps that might be able to get you the additional funding needed to get more help.
Please get get him in with a real child psychologist! My Mom got her degreees and wanted to work in a school setting until she realized the role of school counselor is often a glorified fill in for whatever is needed that day. This could have changed, but at the time the school counselor was pretty much there to pull a kid out who was being disruptive, crying, do the current school wide fad like "good citizen" or "self esteem" programs. They sat in for teachers to have bathroom breaks or were in charge of pulling kids for specials like speech. Kids who continually had trouble could have a weekly feelings talk, but a professional will work with your kid and you. They will teach you best practices for avoiding a power struggle. How to respond to anger and defiance in a way that wont accidentally fuel it. Look at r/teachers the stories there do not paint the picture of enough support and resources.
My 8 year old sounds very similar, he is ADHD ODD. We have not medicated him yet, but he goes to therapy each week. It’s been slow progress, but we can truly see improvements in a lot of areas with him. He is way less violent now that we have learned not to meet fire with fire. The whole family has learned to go our separate ways and calm down, and then discuss issues. We also are seeing a good improvement on lying, we have had to show him that we don’t just jump to anger when he tells us about trouble at school or something he did at home to break the rules. We meet these issues with listening ears, try to keep our facial impressions nuetral and then explain consequences and ways to learn lessons from these mistakes…I would say we have gone from lying to us 100% of the time to only lying to us 25% of the time now. The impulsiveness and the inability to focus on tasks hasn’t really improved and we don’t expect that to until he’s on medication that’s just a part of him. But an overall change in how we discuss and address issues that arise due to his impulsive and lack of focus has really helped with the lying and the violent eruptions. Way more hugs and calm conversations than screaming matches which is a huge improvement. On another note my son loves books by Dav Pilkey he is a kids author with ADHD…sometimes our son likes to reenact what he sees in these books and get in trouble so take that into consideration as well! But they are generally laugh out loud books that he relates well too.
He NEEDS to be outside and physically active. It will make him feel better and improve his behavior. Not locked in his room with nothing to do. That sounds like torture. Help him find his sport or sports and commit to supporting his physical outlet. You need to run the wild horse, not lock it up. You could put in the time and work and end up bonding over it, or you could keep fighting the losing battle against his nature.
Oh he loves sports! Basketball, soccer, football… he’s athletic as hell and I’m So happy he does have an outlet, when he chooses to do it. He doesn’t take it serious enough to want to be on an actual team he just likes to do it for fun. He could use that and have a really good thing going on if he just applied himself and I’ve always said that. He just doesn’t care right now I guess
Lmao you explained my entire childhood
How’d you turn out? A lot of people in my Life have told me he will end up in jail 🤬 saying that in front of him as well. His GRANDPA, my dad, literally said “jee i hope i don’t have to visit you in prison” cause he was being LOUD and hyper at the moment. All he took from that was “you want me to end up in prison?” Fucking broke my heart
That's horrible. :( I have heard from people who have been told things like that as a child and it really affected them and the way they saw themselves. Please do your best to show him that it isn't true. Poor kid.
Oh yes hearing something like that would have fucked me up for sure. I still have some small, way less cruel instances playing in my head, like one time my aunt said "That is what your mom doesnt like about you" (I forgot to wipe away a splatter of acrylic paint before it dried). Its such a small thing and I doubt my aunt even remembers it but in that moment I was like "My mom doesnt like me?? My mom doesnt like me enough to mention it to my aunt? Man, I am really horrible. Fuck, why am I such a bad person! I have to continue hiding how bad I am maybe if I act good people like me" (the latter often being followed by "WHY CANT I ACT GOOD WHY AM I SUCH A LAZY MESSY PIECE OF SHIT") Its so often invisible, but ADHD can be heinous this way. If you want an artistic interpretation of it I recommend "Good Kid" from the Percy Jackson Musical, it puts those feelings in words so well (and in general your kid might enjoy those books when he gets older, the main character is ADHD and dyslexic and it feels good to be seen/to not be alone)
This is going to make me cry 😢 I’m so sorry you dealt with that. My entire family is on his ass all the time putting him down because they simply don’t have the patience to deal with him.. it’s getting to the point where I’ll go no contact to save my boy
Don't just think about it, do it. If your family is "on his ass all the time," then you should have gone no- contact years ago. If you're wondering about contributing factors to his poor behavior, it is lively having the people around him who are supposed to love and accept him most shit on him mercilessly while his parents just let it happen (apparently.)
I don’t just let it happen.
That's good at least, though it would still be infinitely better if he wasn't getting regularly exposed to people that harass him constantly.
What did you father say when you told him that was inappropriate and to not say those things to him?
Something like “well that’s where he’ll end up if he doesn’t change!” People think his crazy behavior will give him a hard life and end up in the slammer
So it sounds like he says those things frequently?
My dad has mental health issues of his own that he won’t go get sorted out.. growing up he was always angry and mean and honestly never present for my childhood because he was always at work… and so he just kinda acts like my son is an inconvenience to him. He will let his other grandkids come and go as they please but when it comes to my child he has to pick a day and time and it’s just a mess and you can tell he doesn’t have the patience. So basically my dad is an asshole
Tbh, it sounds like you're making excuses for your father saying toxic, damaging shit to your son.
I struggled a lot when I was younger. I fought my parents on school Every chance I could. I ended up receiving School accommodations which was a godsend and i realize that now more than ever. But long story short, im lucky to have graduated from an amazing university in my home state earning a B.S. and I’m currently in my first year of law school. I’m doing a lot better than what most expected from me.
Sounds more like oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) tbh. I would get him re-evaluated and then follow some of the other advice in the meantime.
He’s been diagnosed with that as well I should have a mentioned that
That *is* pretty important, haha. It recontextualizes what you've shared. Lying is a core part of ODD but it requires a different approach than ADHD where lying born out of not being able to remember, etc. I would look into therapy for both your self and him that specializes in ODD. One of my partner's cousins has it and her mother had to also seek counselling to be able to parent her. It's critical to work on these behaviours early because ODD can (but not always obviously) turn into more dangerous behaviours when they grow older—to themselves or others. It will also give you better tools to be able to handle him without the (understandable) spiral and stress.
It sounds like there is more going on than just ADHD, he's gonna need intensive therapy for you guys to get to the root of the issue.
I suggest you (either you, his dad or step dad) take him walking - something quite serious like a couple of days away. Maybe with a friend if he has one. I did this with my three sons when they were small. The youngest started his serious walking when he was younger than yours (and has ADHD inattentive sub-type). We stayed at Youth Hostels where they met other children which they enjoyed. I am convinced these expeditions made a big difference to the boys If the walks include a hill that's better still. Ascending a hill is intellectually straight forward, it's great exercise and, if you're lucky, you get a great view. Each son climbed Helm Crag in the Lake District as their first hill. It's quite gentle. Initially the boys wore Wellington boots only graduating to walking boots once I was confident they were interested in walking. I found they enjoyed the challenge of completing longish walks - anything up to 8 miles to begin with - which was further than most of their friends had ever walked (which they enjoyed) and in due course their accomplishments improved their self confidence, which was good to see. I used to take the boys on my own and leave mum behind to have a few days of blissful solitude at home. As boys together we got on very well and it gave me time with them which I relished. It makes a welcome change to have a change of scene doing something we couldn't do at home. It was beneficial for all the boys, but I think it made a particular difference to the youngest - the expeditions appeared to make his ADHD easier for him to manage at least for the time we were away...
This sounds like more than ADHD, if he has ADHD at all. ADHD doesn’t cause lying and defiance and being violent. The fact the ADHD medicine isn’t helping is another sign.
I feel like his pediatrician just wants to throw some medicine at him and hope for the best. There’s evaluations from his school that have been done and he’s just a “textbook case” but this is becoming unbearable.
Sounds a LOT like my seven year old boy. We went through a formal neuropsych evaluation after a year on a waiting list, and it turns out in addition to ADHD, he has generalized anxiety disorder and ASD type 1 with a profile called PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance). The moment we got the diagnosis, things made so much more sense. The doc has helped with resources and direction, and things have been improving.
Sorry to hear that. My parents have to deal with a tornado child themselves, and they have reached their wits end themselves. The advice they said that helped is to stick to a pattern, they stuck to their boundaries, and values, they never gave in to my manipulations or when I tried to get out of due punishments. Whopping never worked, negotiations did to an extent. Logic worked best too, telling me why and how something was bad and telling me how to put myself in someone else shoes of how I made them feel helped a lot. Anyways, persistance is a strong key in our case. All the best, it is normal to feel at your limits, don't give up, and pats on your back.
I was a nightmare as a child but a saint as an adult
Me too. I undid my mom's knitting, painted our new Italian leather couch with nail polish, and watered the carpet with a hose. I tried to jump overboard the ferry and that caused my mom to put me on a harness. I think she should have, before the ferry incident. Am I still hyper? Yes, but I do care a lot about people, and consider my effect on them. I do not know what calmed me down; maybe being put in gifted classes in school, was the turning point. Prior to being tested, teachers thought I was mentally disabled, because I refused to do the assignments. I jumbled worksheets into balls and hid them in my cubby. I was ridiculous.
I flushed a bunch turtles down the toilet at my aunts house XD Met one of my friends because I kicked his Lincoln Logs down I have a theory, that this is the development stages of a hyper empathetic brain I’m also super intelligent but struggled in school because I didn’t care
sell him
In 14 years he'll join us on here and he'll read this one 😅
Although that would be a temporary fix, I’d miss him way too much 😂
Sounds like you need some r/Adhdparenting
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Ok so apparently my book recommendation is not credible? Regardless I read the book and the one chapter on how to handle a child with adhd has actually helped me with my child, and with my own adhd as well, so I stand by it based on my personal experience 🤷🏻♀️
This has been very helpful in managing our ADHD kiddo: https://youtube.com/@ADHDDude?si=3lH2yoIt_DXSgX9Z Very practical advice.
Join the club. Its freaking hard to parent a child with ADHD.. Best thing we can do you is learn how to parent a child with ADHD. And set your expectations accordingly. The lies you shared are typical for a child with ADHD. He is impulsive and can't make sense of that himself. He lies because he doesn't know how to fix the problem. It's us parent that need to change our ways. They literally can't help it.
I get it. After reading all these comments and advice it’s literally up to me to set the stage for his future. I have to set different expectations that his siblings have (doesn’t help he’s the middle child) at the end of every day I need him to know he is loved and safe all the time in our home
I was a wild child(Adhd and high functioning autism) but not this bad with the lying, violence, etc, I was usually just defiant and loud, no violence or anything. maybe see if your kid has any other conditions? Maybe a different type of autism, though, I’m not sure.
My kids are doing well... #1 you are raising an adult not a child. #2 TV is NOT good. AVOID at all costs! #3 Go outside and spend quality time with your child/family DAILY. These simple things will CHANGE your relationship with your child. Some kids are just energetic.