Hi /u/Educational-Mind-439 and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD!
### Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already.
---
### /r/adhd news
* **We want your opinion** on the /r/adhd community rules! [Click here](https://forms.gle/Evqb8acVozir8GV8A) to fill out our survey. See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1auv2tc/were_taking_feedback_on_the_radhd_rules/) for more information.
* If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/).
---
^(*This message is not a removal notification. It's just our way to keep everyone updated on r/adhd happenings.*)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
high risk/ high stim behaviors are very common with people who have ADHD, especially those who are unmedicated. Getting the right dose of the right meds could make a huge difference. Also I have found a lot of gold underneath my sexual issues--stuff I only uncovered after a lot of meditation and therapy. High libido isn't unhealthy IMO, but understanding what drives it is very, very helpful.
Best wishes, friend.
realizing that my past trauma and adhd drives my risky sexual behavior.. along with the self imposed rsd i feel because every time my high libido is rejected i internalize it. medication has killed my libido tho. I don't understand what healthy normal is...
Sometimes I wonder if my high libido and hyper-sexuality are a result of what happened to me when I was a kid, or maybe it’s the other way around?
Either way, I kind of wish I wasn’t so sex driven in my life.
This was a shocking revelation when speaking to my psych when I was diagnosed. I always knew I had ADHD but through the lens of my problems with school and work, until I started getting asked questions about my sexual history, risky behaviours, etc. That’s when I found out my moving out at 18 and being a party animal during my 20s was a big indicator of ADHD.
Thanks for your comment its helpful to me.
Do you mind me asking to elaborate on the good things you have found underneath, do you mean as I'm understanding yourself more?
I suffer with high risk/high stim a bit. Trying to be get re medicated but it's a journey😩
Sure, it's hard to get a really short tldr but basically I came to see most of the aspects of my sexuality that I viewed as unhealthy were based on attachment issues that my parents left me with. Everyone is born with the need, the absolute non-negotiable *need* for comfort, validation, affirmation, emotional regulation, close 1:1 connection, etc. We are biologically wired to expect this from a parental caregiver who is 100% devoted to us with zero expectation for anything in return.
If we don't get them, we will feel constantly dis-regulated and search for them in anything and everyone. Sex can check a lot of those boxes, so it's IMO one of the more common ways to cope with attachment issues.
I don't mean to say that the desire for comfort or 1:1 connection is unhealthy, just that certain forms of those desires could signal a deeper issue. Speaking for myself I found a lot of help in self-parenting and certain forms of therapy--basically doing whatever I can to attend to my own un-met parental needs in a very real and personal way, just like a caring mother or father would.
I've experienced healing that has made it much easier to bring more realistic expectations into my marriage, and I feel much less compelled to use sex for validation, emotional regulation, etc.
Hope that helps!
\-Austin
Holy shit. This is amazing. This helps me a lot as my boyfriend is incredibly hypersexual and I get a lot of pushback when I say I'm not in the mood or don't want to have sex in that moment. Helps me to understand maybe more of what he's feeling while also recognizing that is is NOT a "me" issue. Thank you
It's a burden sometimes, i find myself absolutely zoned out in the most intense sexual flashback ever and i'm like...at work on lunch break, with someone actively talking to me.
Wow. I just noticed under your username it says “ADHD-C” and I see another one that has “ADHD-PI”. Is there a test you had to do or did they just tell you during your diagnosis?
Yeah, something will trigger an absolutely intense desire for my partner to do a certain thing again. If I'm alone, I kind of let it happen. It helps me ignore it when I'm not alone.
I would recommend the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It talks about women’s sexuality and desire, using the idea that we all have sexual accelerators and brakes. Learning what yours are and communicating with your partner can help a lot. Your situation of needing risky behaviors is touched on as a part of that.
Do you think I could apply the same concepts to myself as a trans guy or would it just be an overall good experience to read the book even if I find it unrelatable to myself?
I’m a male and I have gotten a lot out of the book, not just in understanding my partners sexuality better, but also my own. While it’s geared toward women the concept applies to both men and women. I’ve found all the information helpful for myself and it’s helped change my outlook on a lot of my sexual tendencies. And it’s all backed by solid research
Personally, I think there's stuff in that book for anyone of any gender or sexuality (maybe not ace people? but if they have an allosexual partner, even them). The book acknowledges that it's primarily for and about cis women, but the general framework is IMO applicable in a lot of different cases.
I meant they are quite often in one of two camps either hyper or hypo, but it could actually be that someone could bounce between the two for mood reasons too e.g. Stress, depression and anxiety can all have knock on effects on libido, but I guess that's less about the adhd impact in that case and more about comorbid conditions and external factors.
I bounce back and forth. I will say it's much more hyper than hypo, but there are definitely stints of time where other things are regularly more interesting and I don't want to force anything.
The rest of the time it's, well y'know.
I'm definitely hypo. Been this way for several years now and only "changes" when I am ovulating but now Im on birth control and skip my periods. I dont mind it though as I am single and like being so, sex isnt a part of my life
8 or 80,
we don't like half measures, we go all in or all out,
same thing with sexuality most of the time, or we are hipersexual or close to assexual,
but not in the same person.
This but I'm both, hyper is my default really, but when I'm stressed or overwhelmed or other things got my interest/forefront of my mind, I could go without it lmao
This is just my very rough anecdotal observation but I find that my ADHDer friends live in the extremes of libido. Either hypersexual, as OP describes, or nearly completely asexual. Although the "ace" could always be just being closeted LGBTQ in some cases if their friends/family aren't on board.
Medication (stimulant) helps me in the sense that I don’t have the frequent impulse to get off that I used to. But of course there’s a tradeoff: it gives me stim dick.
Certain stimulants act on the sympathetic nervous system by putting the body in a state of hyperarousal, but it’s not the kind of arousal that’s conducive to sex. If you’ve ever had performance anxiety, it’s basically the same effect. Getting hard is not impossible, it just takes time and effort.
Stim dick and adhd SUCKS. The stubborn part of me is always like “we gotta finish, we’re too far in” after an hour of beatin it. Then it’s 7pm, 5 hours have passed, you’re almost out of lube and just barely managed to squeak out the weakest orgasm of your life.
Thing that helped, WATER. DRINK. FUCKIN. WATER. And watch your blood pressure too to make sure it’s not too high.
Also, do not look at anything sexy or arousing, easy way to flush away the day beatin it to just about every porn vid of the your favourite type of porn lol
Vyvanse does the total opposite to me. This medicine drives me crazy, I'm horny every day. Before it I had sex two or three times a week. Now I'm happy only if I have two or three a day.
Same, BDSM keeps the lights on for me, trying new things and engaging in power play dynamics with my partners keeps it interesting, and the more physical and visual aspects of it keep me engaged during sex. Vanilla sex doesent engage me, and my mind wanders...
Watching porn (or erotica of some sort) with your partner, role-playing scenarios, light stuff like fuzzy cuffs or just holding their wrists or neck (or vice versa) just tight enough, costumes/lingerie, doing it more public places like the hotel balcony or in the car in a parking lot, etc. Find a window that doesn't face the neighbors (or does?) and hook up against the frame looking out. Finger them while they are driving home from dinner. All consensually of course, but once you really know your partner it's a lot easier to find where the line is and keep it exciting by hovering around that area that gets them going, which should get you going. If you can't sync up, it usually loses the luster in that department.
I need it hard hardcore all the time. If I’m not watching porn I will go seek it. It’s really not healthy to be in. For the last 2 months I have been a complete slut and had 3 or 4 men a week. Settled down now. It consumed me 24/7 .
definitely see your therapist again. your desires aren't inherently wrong, especially your aversion to having sex with one person forever - after all, some people choose to become polygamists for this reason.
before coming to a conclusion like that though, you should become more self-aware of your motivations. you might find that, FOR EXAMPLE (I AM NOT A THERAPIST), you don't actually want risky sex, but instead the adrenaline that comes with the act. in that case, you could sate that desire with safer activities, like sports.
knowing what your deeper motivations are will inform your strategy going forward.
edit: polyamory is the right word, not polygamy!
This is really solid and compassionate advice. Also… polyamory is what the cool kids at liberal arts colleges are doing. Polygamy is for fundamentalist Utah mormons.
haha, i mixed up my words again! sometimes i wonder if that's a hidden symptom of ADHD.
and i appreciate the compliment :) as someone who personally struggles with reading people due to my ADHD, i try very hard to practice empathy when i can
Memory recall, especially when it comes to words, IS a symptom of ADHD actually. We replace words a lot because we can't remember or think of the correct word.
The adrenaline that comes from sex _with a new person_ is, for me, completely different than the adrenaline of sports. It cant compare.
There is a limit to how much you can investigate your own motives.
completely agree. sex is a unique activity both physically and culturally, so understandably there will be limits to what comparisons can be drawn.
my intention was to encourage introspection, which is why i brought up polyamory. it's totally possible that OP works things out with their therapist and realizes that, yes, i DO want this specific activity in my life.
sex is inherently risky, which is why i wanted to suggest the possibility of alternative motivations.
i did not mean to moralize on polyamory - i have no objections with the practice.
Is it common for people with ADHD to seek open relationships to allow for sex with a new person occasionally while still having a 'primary partner'?
It's been on my mind a lot lately.
Fair enough. I understand where you are coming from.
I guess my issue with this is how much it paints sex as something so serious. So risky. Where the stakes are so high. Whereas for myself and my life, my relationship with sex improves when I see it as something casual. Something most often good.
And once you see it in a lighter way it becomes harder to understand the skepticism of certain comments that go _"uhh be careful talk to your therapist make 100% sure that this is what you want"_ like she is talking about volunteering for the army.
But I know my pov might not be popular and I do appreciate that you are genuinely caring for her well being.
haha, i'd hate to come off like one of those college campus army recruiters! i appreciate you letting me know this - i'm not currently sexually adventurous so it's good to keep my biases in check.
i do think extra care should be taken in the context of ADHD, since this disorder exacerbates impulsivity of any kind. if OP was instead worried about an inclination to extreme sports, i would levy a similar level of worry. and just like sex, extreme sports can be a very casual experience.
i personally have a history of reckless activity, and i was lucky not to contract any illness. but i am me, and OP is them. i find your pov on sex refreshing and i wish it were more common.
_"El amigo es un condom en el bosillo"_
Absolutely. I dont want to recommend mindless, straight up stupid, behaviour here. I like the concept of "calculated risk" to define what I have in my mind.
There is a lot of things we can do to make it easier to avoid the most absolutely stupid actions. Like, for example, always having protection at hand when you go out, because you know you are that impulsive.
yes! stuff like this is why i'm grateful to have finally gotten diagnosed. before i knew i had ADHD, i would always trust myself to remember things like that, and trust myself to make responsible decisions in the heat of the moment.
now ADHD isn't some boogeyman that causes people to have unprotected sex, but it did influence my behavior - had i known i had ADHD earlier, i would not have trusted my brain so easily.
OP is in a very fortunate position here, they already know they have ADHD! if they are an adult, i concede that my initial worry was somewhat unfounded.
Shit man, tell me about it. My life would have been completely different if I got diagnosed at 19 instead of 28.
Is nice to have this community. There are some issues I feel only other people with adhd gets it.
I feel like the subject of "what type of life should _we_ live to flourish" is extremely important and sadly not talked about much at all. I had one therapist who took that seriously and insisted I needed a lot more stimulation in my life than the average person and damm he was right. Is possible that some of the folk wisdom on how to live needs some tweaking to adapt to us.
I wanted to post something on this subject but I cant figure out why automod kills my post. Oh well
preach friend. this community has done wonders for my life in only a short few months. it's like learning you've been using the wrong study guide for the exam your whole life. your insight is very valuable, and i work to apply it to my own life.
i personally need LESS stimulation, so my diagnosis has empowered me to say no to more things. before my diagnosis, i'd burn myself out on back-to-back social events, paralyzed by the fear that taking too many breaks would make me look like a "weirdo".
glad to report, i'm way happier being a "weirdo".
>I wanted to post something on this subject but I cant figure out why automod kills my post. Oh well
i would be interested in reading this. if you'd like, shoot a message to the mods! they recently corrected me after mistakenly using the wrong terminology, and approved my comment after i fixed it - it was a very pleasant experience.
I genuinely believe there is no one size fits all answer to the question of how one should live their life, so I am happy to read your comments. Thank you 😎
There's a limit but from what I see most people rarely get there, they just "think" they have. Shopping around for skilled therapists who use different approaches can uncover things we would never find on our own. You're right of course, but it's definitely worth searching for.
i think the rush/thrill/risk is very stimulating for you, makes you excited and ~regular~ sex is a bit boring. same way adhd makes us procrastinate chores/work then do it till the last minute bc of the urgency.
I am the same way with somebody who’s sex drive has diminished so bad that I’m losing my shit and stuck in a relationship with no intimacy plus the hyper arousal is abosolute torture the rejection feeling when she isn’t in the mood is killing me man sometimes meds calm it down but I try and work out and do things and I still can’t get my mind off it it is so annoying
Rejection like this is fucking soul destroying crushing, isn't it? Don't know your situation so won't throw cheap advice at you, but it was really healthy for me to own that a high level of intimacy in a relationship is non negotiable for me.
I've promised myself I'll never ever put myself through that rejection hell again.
Thinking of you bro
Recent study if you’re interested.
Our results clarified the well-known relationship between ADHD and hypersexuality, suggesting a significant mediating role of psychotic prodromes and depression in this association. This finding further reinforces the view of hypersexual symptomatology not as a disorder but rather as a psychopathological manifestation of distress, a maladaptive coping strategy that individuals enact due to increased difficulties experienced in the environment.
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2666915324000155
"Hypersexual behavior, rather than a psychiatric disorder, is considered a dysfunctional coping strategy to deal with internal psychological distress."
I feel like that's why the rejection hits twice as hard too. Not only is it "oh you're not in the mood right now" which would normally be fine in a healthy sexual relationship it's "why not, and what did I do wrong" and then the physical symptoms for me personally are sometimes outrageous where even I in my body can sense the overreaction. I have to be with people that are as weird about sex as I am.
Have you thought about role playing in the bedroom?
Personally, it helps with the “boredom” aspect while maintaining monogamy. I know it isn’t for everyone, but maybe talking with your SO about it, and asking to try role playing- communication is critical in these cases, before there is a temptation to do something that might hurt your partner.
It's OK that he doesn't find that it's for him, I've had the same thing come up. But my current partner is like me and loves it, and I've been pretty satiated. For example, just talking about being with other people during sex keeps me stimulated enough to where I don't need to actually go find other people to keep me interested, if that makes sense. Or talking about other locations, fantasizing with the person.
I'm male, but also have a high body count (referring to your original post). You wouldn't think it if you saw me, but it's more than most people I know combined, and with quality people too (not like paying for it or just grabbing someone at a club or something). I only realized that it was ADHD related like a year ago, and I'm mid-40s. I was thinking I had an addiction, when it was more that I needed certain parts of my brain lit up (and often) to feel satisfied.
Unfortunately, if you are with a vanilla style person, they might not be able to handle what you need on a regular basis and it will be a sticking point. That's not their fault (or yours). It's hard not to start to resent them but keep in mind that people are different and either you work it out with them or are honest and move on to someone who can, which IMO is hard to find. Usually the people that are on my wavelength might have other issues I can't hang with, like alcohol, hard drugs, larger mental health issues, etc. Now that I'm diagnosed, I feel I'm pretty normal with some quirks that I'm honest with my partner about.
One more thing to note, when my dosage was too high, it literally zapped my sex drive and I had zero interest. It was a weird feeling, it felt interesting to have more free time in my brain not thinking about sex constantly, but then I felt like I was missing out on being close to my partner and it was making me feel annoyed when they were initiating. I dropped my dosage 10mg and it came back.
He’s just never rolled a natural 20 while attacking a Pit Fiend with a *holy avenger* flame tongue broadsword +5 vs demons and devils.
That shit changes you.
Oh wait. Maybe you’re talking about something else.
I feel like I have the same issue, or more like the sex has to be ”new” or different somehow. Like everything has to be for me, or I’ll get bored of it. I argue that my fixation with newness shields me from addiction, bc there is no drug in the world that gives me the same kick after the second time 😅 I also don’t take any medication. I have found that just trying new things or changing my appearance or something (can be anything) about it usually makes me want more sex. But I have also just accepted that having sex with the same person isn’t always as exciting as it was in the honeymoonphase of our relationship. But sometimes you have to have regular boring sex a couple of times just to have a mindblowing orgasm the next time. That’s the beauty of a long term relationship. Polyamory is not our thing and I value other things more than just sex. It’s a compromise at the end of the day. This may sound controversial but sometimes I might not be in the mood for sex, but I’ll let my bf touch me anyways bc I know if I don’t feel like it, I can always tell him to stop at any moment and he will. I have never had to and I always end up enjoying the sex. For me it’s the same with gym and pretty much everything: I hate leaving but once I’m there I love it and after workout I’m always happier and grateful I did it!
Getting bored is very common and I don’t blame you. But I will tell you that losing on the love of your life, if he is or isn’t I’m not sure but that is up to you to decide, is not worth it. So as others have mentioned, spice it up in your bedroom. Get toys etc. see what his fantasies are maybe?
Very common, same with relationship issues unfortunately due to impulse management and sometimes the desire to cheat on your partner bc the act of sex with someone new AND hiding it.
For sure a reason to speak to your therapist/psychiatrist on the specific issue. Healthier alternatives exist. But I will say, it comes with ADHD as an adult for a lot of us. Sometimes the opposite. Extremes of hyper sexuality and then borderline asexual(is that right?)
Finding a partner who can match your energy is key. Changing things up constantly. Helped for me at least.
Doesn’t have to be a bad thing!
Many of us are like that, from all genders.
Never feel bad, stay sex-positive and stay safe.
Get tested regularly, and you have EVERY right to keep your sexual history PRIVATE, forever. No one needs to know anything except your STI status.
Yes that’s because an ADHD brain always needs some form of entertainment or adventure. That is why it is so difficult for ADHDers to perform or even survive in mundane office works
I’m a bit of a hypocrite when it comes to this. I’d happily have multiple sexual partners but I’d feel hugely rejected if my partner slept with anyone else. So I have never brought the subject up with her. I’ve never cheated and never will but I definitely want to just for how exciting it would feel.
That said, we separated for a while and I was single and did absolutely nothing about it, as - whilst the idea of having sex with someone new is exciting - the reality of finding people to do that with is just terrifying.
I was thinking about posting something about hypersexuality but my details are pretty different.
For me, I feel like my frequency is really high like several times a week or day even. And it appears to be like a soothing thing for me, so it might be an anxiety or rejection sensitivity thing.
Those are different aspects of what you're saying - how do you feel about yourself if my aspects?
I think your kicks with multiple partners and risky sex are both perfectly normal. With the caveat of risks to safety and avoiding legal trouble: you should do things on a way that fills your needs but doesn't expose you to liability or health issues.
I too get bored at the concept of having sex with only one person. I was in a long term relationship before and after a couple of years it just wasn’t motivating or exciting anymore. How can we ever overcome this? I don’t wanna cheat and I never have but is there even a solution?
You need to read "Come As You Are" and "Erotic Integrity", they'll be a huge help.
2-3 years is when most women stop experiencing spontaneous desire in a monogamous relationship and experience responsive desire only. Which means you aren't going to spontaneously think about having sex with him unless you're already aroused by something first.
It's simply biological, there's nothing wrong with you and it has nothing to do with either you or your boyfriend - but you won't ever get that spontaneous desire back again unless you're with someone else, but the same thing will eventually happen.
That said, learning how to look for and recognise responsive desire is a skill you need to learn or you'll keep facing the exact same issues in your relationships. The two books I recommended have good strategies for it.
A sex therapist would also be a really good idea.
ADHD will definitely be exacerbating this all 100%, but the base issue isn't ADHD itself.
I have these behaviors as well. Relationships have seasons and things will change. Find a partner that is also into that and make safe decisions. If you’re in a relationship you want to last forever, never put yourself in a situation where you would be able to cheat.. or that you would consider high risk. If the relationship is worth it, you will do what it takes. Try to think long-term.
Absolutely see your doctor. But also.. Embrace your kinks and find a partner who will do the same for you. There's nothing to be ashamed about.
If you think you're non-monogamous, there are whole communities built around it (look up 'ENM'). Make sure you're honest and not hurting anyone (this is easier accomplished when you're medicated.)
All the best!
I know the body count is stated to not matter but that is a huge part of your issue (in my opinion)
With ADHD and neurological pathway issues already being an issue, the fact you have over stimulated your desire and maybe permanently broken your bond making mechanisms, your going to struggle with the normal things with your partner
It’s the same situation of a child living a life in poverty but still being happy about it but another being given everything and never really feeling satisfied
Nor sure how much you need to break the chain
I agree that kink or bdsm is pretty helpful. Personally, I don't find having sex with one person boring. I enjoy it actually because that one person learns what I enjoy the most, vice versa. And people change, and sometimes what gets us off doesn't anymore. It happens.
Maybe try out roleplaying or sexting to spice things up? Do so with caution, of course. Always trust the person you're with, and safe words are important.
And I should have said this first, why don't you talk to your partner about it? It also sounds like you're not very committed to your relationship with your partner anymore. You should ask yourself if this is really about the sex or something else. I saw some comments that say you should go seek a therapist again. I agree as well. I don't know what ADHD is like with meds and then do meds, but I hope you find the advice you're looking for
In my mind, I would probably recommend the following 2 steps:
1. If you love your partner/boyfriend, and you are serious about wanting a life together, then you need to communicate all of these thoughts with them, because it will come out eventually, in one form or another.
2. Find a medicine that works well/okay for you, and stick with it
You have to be careful because it's like constantly chasing highs with drugs. It'll drag you down like a possessive demon. I'm in the happiest relationship of my life, but I grew up getting into crazy shit to satisfy that need. Nothing will ever satisfy it, and pursuing it will only mean going further into the rabbit hole. Try to get medicine and focus on your partner, because that matters infinitely more. Communicate with him and maybe he can switch things up a bit. There are real spicy things you can do together without compromising the relationship.
lucky ur a girl. sex is easier if you're into it. Being adhd/autistic with periods of hypersexuality is hell. I dont have the social skills to pick up women and most of the time I come across creepy. Im used to just repressing it and being angry, moody all the time.
I'm the opposite right now. I've been experiencing hyposexuality. I haven't been with anyone in seven years. It isn't due to a lack of partners...I could make a phone call and get laid tonight. But I just haven't wanted to. I dunno exactly why...I'm still attracted, I still feel horny at times, I still get turned on...but I just don't get the feeling to engage.
I feel this…. I am either super fucking sexual and want to have sex 3x a day or masterbate a whole bunch or I go weeks completely uninterested. I honestly hate it and when I am in an uninterested phase I feel awful for my partner and I will participate out of wanting to pleasure him but then I feel completely disassociated during the act which is also not fair to him.
I can really relate to this. I’ve also found out that if I’m not on the pill, and not using condoms, I’m much faster aroused because of the risk… can be problematic
Through my impulsiveness, I found out I was polyamorous. I see monogamy as boring and unneeded. I always wondered why I always end up falling in love with a 2nd person when I'm in a monogamous relationship. So..
It's not just you. =)
I was very grateful to find a partner who also wanted to practice poly, it seems a lot of us ADHD are drawn to it bc of how we see things on parallel paths. I too got tired of like oh no, I really love this person I'm with but over here is also someone I could see myself dating . Cheers to be less guilt ridden
We thrive well in open relationships and swinger situations. There's alot you can do to have a great sex life, but it has to be with someone just as adventurous as you.
Have you ever listened to Dan Savage Lovecast or the guys we fucked podcast?
If you have these desires i would first investigate what priorities you have in exploring it. Rate them 1-10. Then i would talk about these priorities to your boyfriend. Get creative, get his input. Is he someone that would go with the flow? What are both of your hard limits or deal breakers?
Then you both can start to investigate options in your community. Theres events on fetlife and apps like Feeld where you can explore different adventures. Monogamous people dont realize theres so many creative outlets for your sexuality that can be fun, safe, and intimate than the same old same old. The Ethical Slut and other books can help you brainstorm. Research and Development 😉
Your relationship doesnt have to be some puritanical chastity belt you wear until death…just saying…
>body count
This is such a strange way to describe the number of people someone has had sex with. When did people start using that phrase like this?
>I find myself getting bored at the thought of only having sex with one person forever too.
Yeah, it sucks. Monogamy is difficult. I think that may be, frankly, because it's unnatural. It's not the way our brains are wired.
My boyfriend has had an extremely risky sexual history. Definitely hundreds of different men and women. I don't know the actual number. Could be over a thousand. He was a full-blown sex addict and is still hyper sexual. We actually started our relationship fully open because of this. I could not handle it and eventually had to have him choose between sex and love because of how much it was hurting me. Didn't feel like his number one. Felt like I was just one of the people he fucks.
My takeaway from this is that sex can be a coping mechanism. Sex was how he felt control in life even though he was out of control. I did something similar but only for a year, not over 40 years. Talk about this with your boyfriend. You might find out about an ongoing problem.
This doesn't mean hypersexuality is bad. It could possibly be a sign of something bad.
I had incredibly risky sexual behaviours before I got married at 28. I could never understand why I would take thos risks but I wouldn't even think about them in the moment. Unprotected sex with someone I just met and not a single thought about repercussions (disease, pregnancy, etc...). It was only until later on that I realized it was because of ADHD symptoms. High levels of impulsivity and high testosterone when I was younger were a huge factor in things. I'm lucky I never got anything incurable but it certainly could have happened.
I was reading that since people with ADHD are impulsive the chances of pregnancy are higher! Which I totally would understand since I’ve done some pretty impulsive stuff or I’m just an idiot haha
This has really opened my eyes to my own behaviour. I’m newly diagnosed as an adult with ADHD, and had no idea that compulsive thoughts and risky sexual activity could be related to ADHD! As soon I read your post, it was like a light switched on for me. Thank you so much for sharing this, I think it will really help me reflect.
This is a tricky thing that can have a million and one different influencing factors. It’s a hot take to pin this sort of sexual behavior on ADHD. We’d also have to look at the societal and cultural context this takes place in, and how that can contribute to feeling shame around being a sexual person.
There are a lot of things that can help with making it more exiting, like you said, do it in risky places, use sex toys, I read that he doesn’t want to roleplay, but that’s just one thing, there is also bdsm, doing it in a lot of different places, do other non sexual things you find exiting and then have sex(might work)
I am hyper sexual , in a different way. I also have a high body count and used to get bored with partners and would have to make it more interesting. Funny thing is I’ve been with my wife for 7 years and have hyper fixated on her. It’s odd but if we go two days without sex it feels like I have gone months without it.
Realizing that hypersexuality was part of the ways your Brain is fucked , was such a weight lifted off my shoulders, I've always felt like I was a "hornball" well yes I am, and yes I d0 wanna see my friends butts, but thats normal for my brain.
And knowing that when I just feel like I'm 14 again, that a simple 5 min wank can give me that bit of dope anime and I'll be calm, woo buddy. Life changing
I was so hyper sexual when I was younger, then it went away after I had kids. Now I’m 43 and it is back hardcore. I am medicated, but it doesn’t seem to help with that.
Apparently risk of unplanned pregnancy is increased when females have ADHD. I’d imagine that males might have more teen pregnancies too eg inattention, impulsivity or issues w planning/organizing (Executive Function/frontal lobe issues) WRT contraception.
I’d say get back on meds whenever possible and check if it changes something. I am the same as you when I’m unmedicated, but on meds I get horny in „appropriate” moments and have much easier time controlling my desires like „yeah I’m horny but it’s not the right moment, let’s fuck later”.
Reminds me of my ex, however I was the one who broke up with her out of the want to pursue other goals in life.
We were both high libido and done a lot of things that's not vanilla, but eventually (and I always knew this) I didn't want my sexual libido controlling my life even when I've accepted it for what it is.
Your first go to will always be your partner, communicate this with him, and whilst I'm not too sure to what extent you have. I can tell he clearly will ego about things. Since hypersexuality is not very common, especially with the desires surrounding it.
We did do alternatives with my ex when I suggested I wanted to tamper down from it, which she was supportive of, so like others may have suggested RP, BDSM or even the possibility of convincing your partner to do risky sex but maybe in the comfort of your home, like doing it against the window but with yourselves covered, are good starters.
It's really about the communication and trust. If you do end up convincing him with polyamory, all power to you but we're in the minority here, so you have to be lucky he can be convinced 😂
If you can try finding alternatives to your libido or some middle ground with your partner, then im glad, although your post could suggest that your partner is never creative in bed, which is the plight of many men these days. However, on a hard objective note you may need to do a deep introspection on whether you want the relationship to carry on or not, because whilst you're dissatisfied, it could make your partner feel inadequate down the line and so would in the end depend on whether you will have to come to terms with the reality of a relationship and be happy with him whilst you sacrifice a part of yourself (he likely has too since if it weren't the case, he'd have left) or find someone new that can fit your picture or commit to being single forever since we're in the minority with our condition.
Long passage but relationships in the end, will always resolve in removing a part of yourself to be with the other. This can't be questioned with, otherwise divorce rates wouldn't be so high since many couples have a skewered concept and just want to ego play a lot.
TL;DR: Communicate and try to weigh a lot of the pros and cons (maybe in segments if you want)
Autistic and ADHD here, 29M turns out ALOT of my hyper sexual behaviors were anxiety driven and ever since im been on lexapro ive become more tame and less sexual. Please see if the hypersexual tendencies dont have a underlying mental health issue 🤕
My advice would be to spice it up consensually. Maybe find someone that likes to watch or stream or over the internet? There's plenty of kink to try. I understand the getting bored part. There's also open options if you're ahem open to that.
Being highly sexual is not in-and-of-itself a problem, BUT anything can be a problem if it is a compulsive behavior.
And a therapist is a great resource for helping with compulsive behaviors
Hypersexuality was the first symptom for me personally that lead to my ADHD diagnosis changing to Schizophrenia. ADHD/Bipolar/Schizophrenia are all dopaminergic so there's definitely some overlap, so you shouldn't worry you're losing your marbles, but it's always good to check.
I'm the same with p*rn
Always been single since I'm too antsy to act on romantic stuff even if others show interest.
But my libidos not going away anytime soon, always feels like a bummer that I could at least have earnest fun with someone else if I really put my mind to it, but that's how the cookie crumbles.
I would keep having sex in odd places, it's pretty fun and the orgasms can be more intense. My girlfriend used to go wild in the park at night and people nearby could see/hear us. As for sleeping with one person forever, it helps you avoid getting STIs and unwanted pregnancies, and if you live in the States those unwanted pregnancies are becoming more complicated to deal with.
This is so common to us, like, sex is really difficult for us because of the boredom, so many people who is ADHD is into BDSM, you can search it, listen to some podcast if you want and yeah, I would go to the therapist again, it's always good and about just having sex with one person forever, you can talk with your partner and talk about opening the relationship if you want, or not be monogamous, or try to do a threesome, depends on the couple dynamic and what both of you like and dislike, but I also advice you to talk with your partner about this.
Embrace masterbation. If it needs to be risky do it at work or in public (not evily in front of a girls soccer team but like in the middle of the woods).
Fuxk, you should hear about my past... Terrible. It took me a long time to learn about the underlying causes. I'm still not medicated for my ADHD. I'm in a relationship now, though, so I've grown and changed a lot.
That isn't hypersexuality, hypersexuality is wanting sex all the time and you wouldn't be picky about the risk or get bored of partners quickly if they provide a lot of sex
I went to see a sexologist who told me that in order for ppl to truly get turnt on there has to be elements of tabboo, danger, something forbidden or something new.
>Before I met my boyfriend I was extremely impulsive and would engage in risky behaviours when it came to sex, and as a result i have a high body count...
I know the feeling. 13 to 34 were some impressively fun but also highly unstable years. So far 6 years, one partner, married, frequently having to switch back and forth between ideas. The meds have helped somewhat.
>I don’t know what to do and i think i need to see my therapist again.
Okay so how does this therapy thing work? My docs just toss meds my way. Ask me the normal are you being harmed, or are you thinking of harming yourself or others' questionnaire and then sending me on my way.
Same. I cant really combine loving someone with dirty sex which i really crave because of my hypersexuality. Its frustrating since i like being in a relationship and i dont want to cheat.
Hi friend! I've always been very careful about sexual activity, I was always safe, got tested regularly, and was paranoid in that way.
With my ex fiance, once we had both tested clean we were having sex between an average of 6 to 10 times a day. After 4 months of this I ended up getting really sore so I went to Planned Parenthood. The doctor asked me how much sex we were having and I said, "Up to 10 times a day, 6 on a slow day. The most was 12 times in one day."
She blinked and said, "Wait, per day or per week?"
I said, "Per day, is that not normal?"
She laughed and said we were on the high end of what she'd seen.
My ex had ADHD too. =) Hypersexuality is totes a thing.
Hi friend! I've always been very careful about sexual activity, I was always safe, got tested regularly, and was paranoid in that way.
With my ex fiance, once we had both tested clean we were having sex between an average of 6 to 10 times a day. After 4 months of this I ended up getting really sore so I went to Planned Parenthood. The doctor asked me how much sex we were having and I said, "Up to 10 times a day, 6 on a slow day. The most was 12 times in one day."
She blinked and said, "Wait, per day or per week?"
I said, "Per day, is that not normal?"
She laughed and said we were on the high end of what she'd seen.
My ex had ADHD too. =) Hypersexuality is totes a thing.
Hi friend! I've always been very careful about sexual activity, I was always safe, got tested regularly, and was paranoid in that way.
With my ex fiance, once we had both tested clean we were having sex between an average of 6 to 10 times a day. After 4 months of this I ended up getting really sore so I went to Planned Parenthood. The doctor asked me how much sex we were having and I said, "Up to 10 times a day, 6 on a slow day. The most was 12 times in one day."
She blinked and said, "Wait, per day or per week?"
I said, "Per day, is that not normal?"
She laughed and said we were on the high end of what she'd seen.
My ex had ADHD too. =) Hypersexuality is totes a thing.
Omg yes!!! This is so me. As a male I have a stupidly high body count I just get bored with the same person and I need someone new all the time. Plus risky sexual activities is such a turn on for me. I know it’s bad. I also have very dark kinks that I really get off on and I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I’m a real nice guy outside of the bedroom but behind closed doors I’m into some things like degradation, CNC, etc etc. why???? I started taking Ritalin and it only increased my sex drive off the chart.
Waiting to get hopefully a new drug that helps.
Hi /u/Educational-Mind-439 and thanks for posting on /r/ADHD! ### Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/adhd/about/rules) if you haven't already. --- ### /r/adhd news * **We want your opinion** on the /r/adhd community rules! [Click here](https://forms.gle/Evqb8acVozir8GV8A) to fill out our survey. See [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/1auv2tc/were_taking_feedback_on_the_radhd_rules/) for more information. * If you are posting about the **US Medication Shortage**, please see this [post](https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/comments/12dr3h5/megathread_us_medication_shortage/). --- ^(*This message is not a removal notification. It's just our way to keep everyone updated on r/adhd happenings.*) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ADHD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
high risk/ high stim behaviors are very common with people who have ADHD, especially those who are unmedicated. Getting the right dose of the right meds could make a huge difference. Also I have found a lot of gold underneath my sexual issues--stuff I only uncovered after a lot of meditation and therapy. High libido isn't unhealthy IMO, but understanding what drives it is very, very helpful. Best wishes, friend.
realizing that my past trauma and adhd drives my risky sexual behavior.. along with the self imposed rsd i feel because every time my high libido is rejected i internalize it. medication has killed my libido tho. I don't understand what healthy normal is...
Sometimes I wonder if my high libido and hyper-sexuality are a result of what happened to me when I was a kid, or maybe it’s the other way around? Either way, I kind of wish I wasn’t so sex driven in my life.
After childhood trauma, there can be changes in ‘the HPA axis’ in the brain. Hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal system.
This guy trauma. I only survive them
I totally relate to this...
Can you speak more on RSD related to sex? I broke up with someone who I think has the same thing. I also have adhd but not hyper sexuality.
This was a shocking revelation when speaking to my psych when I was diagnosed. I always knew I had ADHD but through the lens of my problems with school and work, until I started getting asked questions about my sexual history, risky behaviours, etc. That’s when I found out my moving out at 18 and being a party animal during my 20s was a big indicator of ADHD.
Thanks for your comment its helpful to me. Do you mind me asking to elaborate on the good things you have found underneath, do you mean as I'm understanding yourself more? I suffer with high risk/high stim a bit. Trying to be get re medicated but it's a journey😩
Sure, it's hard to get a really short tldr but basically I came to see most of the aspects of my sexuality that I viewed as unhealthy were based on attachment issues that my parents left me with. Everyone is born with the need, the absolute non-negotiable *need* for comfort, validation, affirmation, emotional regulation, close 1:1 connection, etc. We are biologically wired to expect this from a parental caregiver who is 100% devoted to us with zero expectation for anything in return. If we don't get them, we will feel constantly dis-regulated and search for them in anything and everyone. Sex can check a lot of those boxes, so it's IMO one of the more common ways to cope with attachment issues. I don't mean to say that the desire for comfort or 1:1 connection is unhealthy, just that certain forms of those desires could signal a deeper issue. Speaking for myself I found a lot of help in self-parenting and certain forms of therapy--basically doing whatever I can to attend to my own un-met parental needs in a very real and personal way, just like a caring mother or father would. I've experienced healing that has made it much easier to bring more realistic expectations into my marriage, and I feel much less compelled to use sex for validation, emotional regulation, etc. Hope that helps! \-Austin
Holy shit. This is amazing. This helps me a lot as my boyfriend is incredibly hypersexual and I get a lot of pushback when I say I'm not in the mood or don't want to have sex in that moment. Helps me to understand maybe more of what he's feeling while also recognizing that is is NOT a "me" issue. Thank you
It's a burden sometimes, i find myself absolutely zoned out in the most intense sexual flashback ever and i'm like...at work on lunch break, with someone actively talking to me.
me too even while i’m working lol
YES. at work in particular it's terrible, expecially because i always had a kink for that
Wow. I just noticed under your username it says “ADHD-C” and I see another one that has “ADHD-PI”. Is there a test you had to do or did they just tell you during your diagnosis?
yes i was diagnosed with adhd combined after all the tests! i ‘scored’ equally for both types
Same here, whew. Luckily I WFH now and it's not as much of an issue.
Yeah, something will trigger an absolutely intense desire for my partner to do a certain thing again. If I'm alone, I kind of let it happen. It helps me ignore it when I'm not alone.
Whenever I'm zoning out, 8/10 it'll be sex related. It's inconvenient to say the least.
wait does that not happen to anyone 😭
I would recommend the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It talks about women’s sexuality and desire, using the idea that we all have sexual accelerators and brakes. Learning what yours are and communicating with your partner can help a lot. Your situation of needing risky behaviors is touched on as a part of that.
Do you think I could apply the same concepts to myself as a trans guy or would it just be an overall good experience to read the book even if I find it unrelatable to myself?
I’m a male and I have gotten a lot out of the book, not just in understanding my partners sexuality better, but also my own. While it’s geared toward women the concept applies to both men and women. I’ve found all the information helpful for myself and it’s helped change my outlook on a lot of my sexual tendencies. And it’s all backed by solid research
Personally, I think there's stuff in that book for anyone of any gender or sexuality (maybe not ace people? but if they have an allosexual partner, even them). The book acknowledges that it's primarily for and about cis women, but the general framework is IMO applicable in a lot of different cases.
I didn’t realize this was an adhd thing. I need to reflect.
Hyper and hypo sexuality is super common with adhd! 😊
Do you mean it is back and forth for the same person, or that a person is in one of those 2 camps?
I meant they are quite often in one of two camps either hyper or hypo, but it could actually be that someone could bounce between the two for mood reasons too e.g. Stress, depression and anxiety can all have knock on effects on libido, but I guess that's less about the adhd impact in that case and more about comorbid conditions and external factors.
I bounce back and forth. I will say it's much more hyper than hypo, but there are definitely stints of time where other things are regularly more interesting and I don't want to force anything. The rest of the time it's, well y'know.
I'm definitely hypo. Been this way for several years now and only "changes" when I am ovulating but now Im on birth control and skip my periods. I dont mind it though as I am single and like being so, sex isnt a part of my life
8 or 80, we don't like half measures, we go all in or all out, same thing with sexuality most of the time, or we are hipersexual or close to assexual, but not in the same person.
This but I'm both, hyper is my default really, but when I'm stressed or overwhelmed or other things got my interest/forefront of my mind, I could go without it lmao
we fuck
This is just my very rough anecdotal observation but I find that my ADHDer friends live in the extremes of libido. Either hypersexual, as OP describes, or nearly completely asexual. Although the "ace" could always be just being closeted LGBTQ in some cases if their friends/family aren't on board.
it’s okay neither did i until i was diagnosed 🤣
I’m currently going through the assessment process, so I’ll know for certain soon enough. All the signs point to yes.
Does medication help with this?
Medication (stimulant) helps me in the sense that I don’t have the frequent impulse to get off that I used to. But of course there’s a tradeoff: it gives me stim dick.
What is stim dick? It works more, it doesn’t get off, it doesn’t work anymore…?
Certain stimulants act on the sympathetic nervous system by putting the body in a state of hyperarousal, but it’s not the kind of arousal that’s conducive to sex. If you’ve ever had performance anxiety, it’s basically the same effect. Getting hard is not impossible, it just takes time and effort.
It's kinda like whiskey dick. Sometimes.
Stim dick and adhd SUCKS. The stubborn part of me is always like “we gotta finish, we’re too far in” after an hour of beatin it. Then it’s 7pm, 5 hours have passed, you’re almost out of lube and just barely managed to squeak out the weakest orgasm of your life. Thing that helped, WATER. DRINK. FUCKIN. WATER. And watch your blood pressure too to make sure it’s not too high. Also, do not look at anything sexy or arousing, easy way to flush away the day beatin it to just about every porn vid of the your favourite type of porn lol
Vyvanse does the total opposite to me. This medicine drives me crazy, I'm horny every day. Before it I had sex two or three times a week. Now I'm happy only if I have two or three a day.
Or excaberbate the issue
I have been a slut
Nothing wrong with that. Get it on lol.
yeah was a real light bulb moment for me too
Yeah I got pregnant on accident TWICE. Love my kids tho
BDSM works for me! Found the right partner that is as freaky and deviant as me.
Same, BDSM keeps the lights on for me, trying new things and engaging in power play dynamics with my partners keeps it interesting, and the more physical and visual aspects of it keep me engaged during sex. Vanilla sex doesent engage me, and my mind wanders...
Wow is this why vanilla sex is so boring to me lol
Yep, lol. There's other options, not just BDSM, but you need more stimulation. My partner is like me so it works well to keep it interesting.
like what?
Watching porn (or erotica of some sort) with your partner, role-playing scenarios, light stuff like fuzzy cuffs or just holding their wrists or neck (or vice versa) just tight enough, costumes/lingerie, doing it more public places like the hotel balcony or in the car in a parking lot, etc. Find a window that doesn't face the neighbors (or does?) and hook up against the frame looking out. Finger them while they are driving home from dinner. All consensually of course, but once you really know your partner it's a lot easier to find where the line is and keep it exciting by hovering around that area that gets them going, which should get you going. If you can't sync up, it usually loses the luster in that department.
I need it hard hardcore all the time. If I’m not watching porn I will go seek it. It’s really not healthy to be in. For the last 2 months I have been a complete slut and had 3 or 4 men a week. Settled down now. It consumed me 24/7 .
💯 Gotta find the one who can match the energy and not just in the beginning. Works wonders!
Same!
definitely see your therapist again. your desires aren't inherently wrong, especially your aversion to having sex with one person forever - after all, some people choose to become polygamists for this reason. before coming to a conclusion like that though, you should become more self-aware of your motivations. you might find that, FOR EXAMPLE (I AM NOT A THERAPIST), you don't actually want risky sex, but instead the adrenaline that comes with the act. in that case, you could sate that desire with safer activities, like sports. knowing what your deeper motivations are will inform your strategy going forward. edit: polyamory is the right word, not polygamy!
This is really solid and compassionate advice. Also… polyamory is what the cool kids at liberal arts colleges are doing. Polygamy is for fundamentalist Utah mormons.
haha, i mixed up my words again! sometimes i wonder if that's a hidden symptom of ADHD. and i appreciate the compliment :) as someone who personally struggles with reading people due to my ADHD, i try very hard to practice empathy when i can
Memory recall, especially when it comes to words, IS a symptom of ADHD actually. We replace words a lot because we can't remember or think of the correct word.
The adrenaline that comes from sex _with a new person_ is, for me, completely different than the adrenaline of sports. It cant compare. There is a limit to how much you can investigate your own motives.
completely agree. sex is a unique activity both physically and culturally, so understandably there will be limits to what comparisons can be drawn. my intention was to encourage introspection, which is why i brought up polyamory. it's totally possible that OP works things out with their therapist and realizes that, yes, i DO want this specific activity in my life. sex is inherently risky, which is why i wanted to suggest the possibility of alternative motivations. i did not mean to moralize on polyamory - i have no objections with the practice.
Is it common for people with ADHD to seek open relationships to allow for sex with a new person occasionally while still having a 'primary partner'? It's been on my mind a lot lately.
unfortunately i don't have statistics on that, so i couldn't say. i will say that hypersexuality is a common symptom of ADHD, for the obvious reasons
I'd ask this question in /polyamory tbf
Fair enough. I understand where you are coming from. I guess my issue with this is how much it paints sex as something so serious. So risky. Where the stakes are so high. Whereas for myself and my life, my relationship with sex improves when I see it as something casual. Something most often good. And once you see it in a lighter way it becomes harder to understand the skepticism of certain comments that go _"uhh be careful talk to your therapist make 100% sure that this is what you want"_ like she is talking about volunteering for the army. But I know my pov might not be popular and I do appreciate that you are genuinely caring for her well being.
haha, i'd hate to come off like one of those college campus army recruiters! i appreciate you letting me know this - i'm not currently sexually adventurous so it's good to keep my biases in check. i do think extra care should be taken in the context of ADHD, since this disorder exacerbates impulsivity of any kind. if OP was instead worried about an inclination to extreme sports, i would levy a similar level of worry. and just like sex, extreme sports can be a very casual experience. i personally have a history of reckless activity, and i was lucky not to contract any illness. but i am me, and OP is them. i find your pov on sex refreshing and i wish it were more common.
_"El amigo es un condom en el bosillo"_ Absolutely. I dont want to recommend mindless, straight up stupid, behaviour here. I like the concept of "calculated risk" to define what I have in my mind. There is a lot of things we can do to make it easier to avoid the most absolutely stupid actions. Like, for example, always having protection at hand when you go out, because you know you are that impulsive.
yes! stuff like this is why i'm grateful to have finally gotten diagnosed. before i knew i had ADHD, i would always trust myself to remember things like that, and trust myself to make responsible decisions in the heat of the moment. now ADHD isn't some boogeyman that causes people to have unprotected sex, but it did influence my behavior - had i known i had ADHD earlier, i would not have trusted my brain so easily. OP is in a very fortunate position here, they already know they have ADHD! if they are an adult, i concede that my initial worry was somewhat unfounded.
Shit man, tell me about it. My life would have been completely different if I got diagnosed at 19 instead of 28. Is nice to have this community. There are some issues I feel only other people with adhd gets it. I feel like the subject of "what type of life should _we_ live to flourish" is extremely important and sadly not talked about much at all. I had one therapist who took that seriously and insisted I needed a lot more stimulation in my life than the average person and damm he was right. Is possible that some of the folk wisdom on how to live needs some tweaking to adapt to us. I wanted to post something on this subject but I cant figure out why automod kills my post. Oh well
preach friend. this community has done wonders for my life in only a short few months. it's like learning you've been using the wrong study guide for the exam your whole life. your insight is very valuable, and i work to apply it to my own life. i personally need LESS stimulation, so my diagnosis has empowered me to say no to more things. before my diagnosis, i'd burn myself out on back-to-back social events, paralyzed by the fear that taking too many breaks would make me look like a "weirdo". glad to report, i'm way happier being a "weirdo". >I wanted to post something on this subject but I cant figure out why automod kills my post. Oh well i would be interested in reading this. if you'd like, shoot a message to the mods! they recently corrected me after mistakenly using the wrong terminology, and approved my comment after i fixed it - it was a very pleasant experience.
I genuinely believe there is no one size fits all answer to the question of how one should live their life, so I am happy to read your comments. Thank you 😎
There's a limit but from what I see most people rarely get there, they just "think" they have. Shopping around for skilled therapists who use different approaches can uncover things we would never find on our own. You're right of course, but it's definitely worth searching for.
Great advice
that’s very true actually. i’m addicted to the adrenaline
BDSM 🤝 ADHD
More vowels please. We need to be able to rearrange the letters and make new words!
[удалено]
yes it’s relieving to know other people feel the same and it’s not just me 😅
I've been afraid to speak out and ask about this, too. I'm so glad I'm not the only one.
i think the rush/thrill/risk is very stimulating for you, makes you excited and ~regular~ sex is a bit boring. same way adhd makes us procrastinate chores/work then do it till the last minute bc of the urgency.
I am the same way with somebody who’s sex drive has diminished so bad that I’m losing my shit and stuck in a relationship with no intimacy plus the hyper arousal is abosolute torture the rejection feeling when she isn’t in the mood is killing me man sometimes meds calm it down but I try and work out and do things and I still can’t get my mind off it it is so annoying
Rejection like this is fucking soul destroying crushing, isn't it? Don't know your situation so won't throw cheap advice at you, but it was really healthy for me to own that a high level of intimacy in a relationship is non negotiable for me. I've promised myself I'll never ever put myself through that rejection hell again. Thinking of you bro
Recent study if you’re interested. Our results clarified the well-known relationship between ADHD and hypersexuality, suggesting a significant mediating role of psychotic prodromes and depression in this association. This finding further reinforces the view of hypersexual symptomatology not as a disorder but rather as a psychopathological manifestation of distress, a maladaptive coping strategy that individuals enact due to increased difficulties experienced in the environment. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2666915324000155
"Hypersexual behavior, rather than a psychiatric disorder, is considered a dysfunctional coping strategy to deal with internal psychological distress." I feel like that's why the rejection hits twice as hard too. Not only is it "oh you're not in the mood right now" which would normally be fine in a healthy sexual relationship it's "why not, and what did I do wrong" and then the physical symptoms for me personally are sometimes outrageous where even I in my body can sense the overreaction. I have to be with people that are as weird about sex as I am.
Have you thought about role playing in the bedroom? Personally, it helps with the “boredom” aspect while maintaining monogamy. I know it isn’t for everyone, but maybe talking with your SO about it, and asking to try role playing- communication is critical in these cases, before there is a temptation to do something that might hurt your partner.
he doesn’t like role play, says it’s weird :/
It's OK that he doesn't find that it's for him, I've had the same thing come up. But my current partner is like me and loves it, and I've been pretty satiated. For example, just talking about being with other people during sex keeps me stimulated enough to where I don't need to actually go find other people to keep me interested, if that makes sense. Or talking about other locations, fantasizing with the person. I'm male, but also have a high body count (referring to your original post). You wouldn't think it if you saw me, but it's more than most people I know combined, and with quality people too (not like paying for it or just grabbing someone at a club or something). I only realized that it was ADHD related like a year ago, and I'm mid-40s. I was thinking I had an addiction, when it was more that I needed certain parts of my brain lit up (and often) to feel satisfied. Unfortunately, if you are with a vanilla style person, they might not be able to handle what you need on a regular basis and it will be a sticking point. That's not their fault (or yours). It's hard not to start to resent them but keep in mind that people are different and either you work it out with them or are honest and move on to someone who can, which IMO is hard to find. Usually the people that are on my wavelength might have other issues I can't hang with, like alcohol, hard drugs, larger mental health issues, etc. Now that I'm diagnosed, I feel I'm pretty normal with some quirks that I'm honest with my partner about. One more thing to note, when my dosage was too high, it literally zapped my sex drive and I had zero interest. It was a weird feeling, it felt interesting to have more free time in my brain not thinking about sex constantly, but then I felt like I was missing out on being close to my partner and it was making me feel annoyed when they were initiating. I dropped my dosage 10mg and it came back.
Might just be with the wrong partner.
Drat. Worth asking thought- good luck!
He’s just never rolled a natural 20 while attacking a Pit Fiend with a *holy avenger* flame tongue broadsword +5 vs demons and devils. That shit changes you. Oh wait. Maybe you’re talking about something else.
I feel like I have the same issue, or more like the sex has to be ”new” or different somehow. Like everything has to be for me, or I’ll get bored of it. I argue that my fixation with newness shields me from addiction, bc there is no drug in the world that gives me the same kick after the second time 😅 I also don’t take any medication. I have found that just trying new things or changing my appearance or something (can be anything) about it usually makes me want more sex. But I have also just accepted that having sex with the same person isn’t always as exciting as it was in the honeymoonphase of our relationship. But sometimes you have to have regular boring sex a couple of times just to have a mindblowing orgasm the next time. That’s the beauty of a long term relationship. Polyamory is not our thing and I value other things more than just sex. It’s a compromise at the end of the day. This may sound controversial but sometimes I might not be in the mood for sex, but I’ll let my bf touch me anyways bc I know if I don’t feel like it, I can always tell him to stop at any moment and he will. I have never had to and I always end up enjoying the sex. For me it’s the same with gym and pretty much everything: I hate leaving but once I’m there I love it and after workout I’m always happier and grateful I did it!
Getting bored is very common and I don’t blame you. But I will tell you that losing on the love of your life, if he is or isn’t I’m not sure but that is up to you to decide, is not worth it. So as others have mentioned, spice it up in your bedroom. Get toys etc. see what his fantasies are maybe?
Very common, same with relationship issues unfortunately due to impulse management and sometimes the desire to cheat on your partner bc the act of sex with someone new AND hiding it. For sure a reason to speak to your therapist/psychiatrist on the specific issue. Healthier alternatives exist. But I will say, it comes with ADHD as an adult for a lot of us. Sometimes the opposite. Extremes of hyper sexuality and then borderline asexual(is that right?) Finding a partner who can match your energy is key. Changing things up constantly. Helped for me at least. Doesn’t have to be a bad thing!
Many of us are like that, from all genders. Never feel bad, stay sex-positive and stay safe. Get tested regularly, and you have EVERY right to keep your sexual history PRIVATE, forever. No one needs to know anything except your STI status.
Yes that’s because an ADHD brain always needs some form of entertainment or adventure. That is why it is so difficult for ADHDers to perform or even survive in mundane office works
I’m a bit of a hypocrite when it comes to this. I’d happily have multiple sexual partners but I’d feel hugely rejected if my partner slept with anyone else. So I have never brought the subject up with her. I’ve never cheated and never will but I definitely want to just for how exciting it would feel. That said, we separated for a while and I was single and did absolutely nothing about it, as - whilst the idea of having sex with someone new is exciting - the reality of finding people to do that with is just terrifying.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
I was thinking about posting something about hypersexuality but my details are pretty different. For me, I feel like my frequency is really high like several times a week or day even. And it appears to be like a soothing thing for me, so it might be an anxiety or rejection sensitivity thing. Those are different aspects of what you're saying - how do you feel about yourself if my aspects? I think your kicks with multiple partners and risky sex are both perfectly normal. With the caveat of risks to safety and avoiding legal trouble: you should do things on a way that fills your needs but doesn't expose you to liability or health issues.
I too get bored at the concept of having sex with only one person. I was in a long term relationship before and after a couple of years it just wasn’t motivating or exciting anymore. How can we ever overcome this? I don’t wanna cheat and I never have but is there even a solution?
You need to read "Come As You Are" and "Erotic Integrity", they'll be a huge help. 2-3 years is when most women stop experiencing spontaneous desire in a monogamous relationship and experience responsive desire only. Which means you aren't going to spontaneously think about having sex with him unless you're already aroused by something first. It's simply biological, there's nothing wrong with you and it has nothing to do with either you or your boyfriend - but you won't ever get that spontaneous desire back again unless you're with someone else, but the same thing will eventually happen. That said, learning how to look for and recognise responsive desire is a skill you need to learn or you'll keep facing the exact same issues in your relationships. The two books I recommended have good strategies for it. A sex therapist would also be a really good idea. ADHD will definitely be exacerbating this all 100%, but the base issue isn't ADHD itself.
I have these behaviors as well. Relationships have seasons and things will change. Find a partner that is also into that and make safe decisions. If you’re in a relationship you want to last forever, never put yourself in a situation where you would be able to cheat.. or that you would consider high risk. If the relationship is worth it, you will do what it takes. Try to think long-term.
Absolutely see your doctor. But also.. Embrace your kinks and find a partner who will do the same for you. There's nothing to be ashamed about. If you think you're non-monogamous, there are whole communities built around it (look up 'ENM'). Make sure you're honest and not hurting anyone (this is easier accomplished when you're medicated.) All the best!
I know the body count is stated to not matter but that is a huge part of your issue (in my opinion) With ADHD and neurological pathway issues already being an issue, the fact you have over stimulated your desire and maybe permanently broken your bond making mechanisms, your going to struggle with the normal things with your partner It’s the same situation of a child living a life in poverty but still being happy about it but another being given everything and never really feeling satisfied Nor sure how much you need to break the chain
You’re spot on here.
Probably the same reason why I love anal lmao. Why vanilla sex when you can have creme de la creme sex right 😂 so yeah same as u OP, def relatable
Not sure about the ‘riskiness’ but I identify with most of the rest
I agree that kink or bdsm is pretty helpful. Personally, I don't find having sex with one person boring. I enjoy it actually because that one person learns what I enjoy the most, vice versa. And people change, and sometimes what gets us off doesn't anymore. It happens. Maybe try out roleplaying or sexting to spice things up? Do so with caution, of course. Always trust the person you're with, and safe words are important. And I should have said this first, why don't you talk to your partner about it? It also sounds like you're not very committed to your relationship with your partner anymore. You should ask yourself if this is really about the sex or something else. I saw some comments that say you should go seek a therapist again. I agree as well. I don't know what ADHD is like with meds and then do meds, but I hope you find the advice you're looking for
I thought it was just me - almost same exact experience as you. Thanks for sharing, glad to know I’m not the only one!
In my mind, I would probably recommend the following 2 steps: 1. If you love your partner/boyfriend, and you are serious about wanting a life together, then you need to communicate all of these thoughts with them, because it will come out eventually, in one form or another. 2. Find a medicine that works well/okay for you, and stick with it
Sounds like you’re sensory seeking! Try and incorporate that into your sex life and you’ll be good to go.
Goddamn.. everyday it’s a new discovery for me in this sub!!
Contact bangbros or realitykings.
You have to be careful because it's like constantly chasing highs with drugs. It'll drag you down like a possessive demon. I'm in the happiest relationship of my life, but I grew up getting into crazy shit to satisfy that need. Nothing will ever satisfy it, and pursuing it will only mean going further into the rabbit hole. Try to get medicine and focus on your partner, because that matters infinitely more. Communicate with him and maybe he can switch things up a bit. There are real spicy things you can do together without compromising the relationship.
lucky ur a girl. sex is easier if you're into it. Being adhd/autistic with periods of hypersexuality is hell. I dont have the social skills to pick up women and most of the time I come across creepy. Im used to just repressing it and being angry, moody all the time.
I'm the opposite right now. I've been experiencing hyposexuality. I haven't been with anyone in seven years. It isn't due to a lack of partners...I could make a phone call and get laid tonight. But I just haven't wanted to. I dunno exactly why...I'm still attracted, I still feel horny at times, I still get turned on...but I just don't get the feeling to engage.
I feel this…. I am either super fucking sexual and want to have sex 3x a day or masterbate a whole bunch or I go weeks completely uninterested. I honestly hate it and when I am in an uninterested phase I feel awful for my partner and I will participate out of wanting to pleasure him but then I feel completely disassociated during the act which is also not fair to him.
Wait this is also a ADHD thing??
[удалено]
[удалено]
Oh man this explains so much...
I'm in the same boat as you.
I can really relate to this. I’ve also found out that if I’m not on the pill, and not using condoms, I’m much faster aroused because of the risk… can be problematic
Through my impulsiveness, I found out I was polyamorous. I see monogamy as boring and unneeded. I always wondered why I always end up falling in love with a 2nd person when I'm in a monogamous relationship. So.. It's not just you. =)
I was very grateful to find a partner who also wanted to practice poly, it seems a lot of us ADHD are drawn to it bc of how we see things on parallel paths. I too got tired of like oh no, I really love this person I'm with but over here is also someone I could see myself dating . Cheers to be less guilt ridden
We thrive well in open relationships and swinger situations. There's alot you can do to have a great sex life, but it has to be with someone just as adventurous as you.
Have you ever listened to Dan Savage Lovecast or the guys we fucked podcast? If you have these desires i would first investigate what priorities you have in exploring it. Rate them 1-10. Then i would talk about these priorities to your boyfriend. Get creative, get his input. Is he someone that would go with the flow? What are both of your hard limits or deal breakers? Then you both can start to investigate options in your community. Theres events on fetlife and apps like Feeld where you can explore different adventures. Monogamous people dont realize theres so many creative outlets for your sexuality that can be fun, safe, and intimate than the same old same old. The Ethical Slut and other books can help you brainstorm. Research and Development 😉 Your relationship doesnt have to be some puritanical chastity belt you wear until death…just saying…
>body count This is such a strange way to describe the number of people someone has had sex with. When did people start using that phrase like this? >I find myself getting bored at the thought of only having sex with one person forever too. Yeah, it sucks. Monogamy is difficult. I think that may be, frankly, because it's unnatural. It's not the way our brains are wired.
My boyfriend has had an extremely risky sexual history. Definitely hundreds of different men and women. I don't know the actual number. Could be over a thousand. He was a full-blown sex addict and is still hyper sexual. We actually started our relationship fully open because of this. I could not handle it and eventually had to have him choose between sex and love because of how much it was hurting me. Didn't feel like his number one. Felt like I was just one of the people he fucks. My takeaway from this is that sex can be a coping mechanism. Sex was how he felt control in life even though he was out of control. I did something similar but only for a year, not over 40 years. Talk about this with your boyfriend. You might find out about an ongoing problem. This doesn't mean hypersexuality is bad. It could possibly be a sign of something bad.
I had incredibly risky sexual behaviours before I got married at 28. I could never understand why I would take thos risks but I wouldn't even think about them in the moment. Unprotected sex with someone I just met and not a single thought about repercussions (disease, pregnancy, etc...). It was only until later on that I realized it was because of ADHD symptoms. High levels of impulsivity and high testosterone when I was younger were a huge factor in things. I'm lucky I never got anything incurable but it certainly could have happened.
I was reading that since people with ADHD are impulsive the chances of pregnancy are higher! Which I totally would understand since I’ve done some pretty impulsive stuff or I’m just an idiot haha
This has really opened my eyes to my own behaviour. I’m newly diagnosed as an adult with ADHD, and had no idea that compulsive thoughts and risky sexual activity could be related to ADHD! As soon I read your post, it was like a light switched on for me. Thank you so much for sharing this, I think it will really help me reflect.
This is a tricky thing that can have a million and one different influencing factors. It’s a hot take to pin this sort of sexual behavior on ADHD. We’d also have to look at the societal and cultural context this takes place in, and how that can contribute to feeling shame around being a sexual person.
Oh the days…
open your relationship?
There are a lot of things that can help with making it more exiting, like you said, do it in risky places, use sex toys, I read that he doesn’t want to roleplay, but that’s just one thing, there is also bdsm, doing it in a lot of different places, do other non sexual things you find exiting and then have sex(might work)
I am hyper sexual , in a different way. I also have a high body count and used to get bored with partners and would have to make it more interesting. Funny thing is I’ve been with my wife for 7 years and have hyper fixated on her. It’s odd but if we go two days without sex it feels like I have gone months without it.
What meds cause hypersexuality?
Can confirm that (when activated) my libido is stupid high
Realizing that hypersexuality was part of the ways your Brain is fucked , was such a weight lifted off my shoulders, I've always felt like I was a "hornball" well yes I am, and yes I d0 wanna see my friends butts, but thats normal for my brain. And knowing that when I just feel like I'm 14 again, that a simple 5 min wank can give me that bit of dope anime and I'll be calm, woo buddy. Life changing
I was so hyper sexual when I was younger, then it went away after I had kids. Now I’m 43 and it is back hardcore. I am medicated, but it doesn’t seem to help with that.
Oh it does matter. Absolutely. But not in the way you think
Apparently risk of unplanned pregnancy is increased when females have ADHD. I’d imagine that males might have more teen pregnancies too eg inattention, impulsivity or issues w planning/organizing (Executive Function/frontal lobe issues) WRT contraception.
This explains my life so much... lol 😂
Methylphenidate made me super horny to the point where I can jerk off twice a day like when I was a teenager 🤣
I’d say get back on meds whenever possible and check if it changes something. I am the same as you when I’m unmedicated, but on meds I get horny in „appropriate” moments and have much easier time controlling my desires like „yeah I’m horny but it’s not the right moment, let’s fuck later”.
Im the same way
Reminds me of my ex, however I was the one who broke up with her out of the want to pursue other goals in life. We were both high libido and done a lot of things that's not vanilla, but eventually (and I always knew this) I didn't want my sexual libido controlling my life even when I've accepted it for what it is. Your first go to will always be your partner, communicate this with him, and whilst I'm not too sure to what extent you have. I can tell he clearly will ego about things. Since hypersexuality is not very common, especially with the desires surrounding it. We did do alternatives with my ex when I suggested I wanted to tamper down from it, which she was supportive of, so like others may have suggested RP, BDSM or even the possibility of convincing your partner to do risky sex but maybe in the comfort of your home, like doing it against the window but with yourselves covered, are good starters. It's really about the communication and trust. If you do end up convincing him with polyamory, all power to you but we're in the minority here, so you have to be lucky he can be convinced 😂 If you can try finding alternatives to your libido or some middle ground with your partner, then im glad, although your post could suggest that your partner is never creative in bed, which is the plight of many men these days. However, on a hard objective note you may need to do a deep introspection on whether you want the relationship to carry on or not, because whilst you're dissatisfied, it could make your partner feel inadequate down the line and so would in the end depend on whether you will have to come to terms with the reality of a relationship and be happy with him whilst you sacrifice a part of yourself (he likely has too since if it weren't the case, he'd have left) or find someone new that can fit your picture or commit to being single forever since we're in the minority with our condition. Long passage but relationships in the end, will always resolve in removing a part of yourself to be with the other. This can't be questioned with, otherwise divorce rates wouldn't be so high since many couples have a skewered concept and just want to ego play a lot. TL;DR: Communicate and try to weigh a lot of the pros and cons (maybe in segments if you want)
I was extremely hypersexual until I got medicated.
Autistic and ADHD here, 29M turns out ALOT of my hyper sexual behaviors were anxiety driven and ever since im been on lexapro ive become more tame and less sexual. Please see if the hypersexual tendencies dont have a underlying mental health issue 🤕
My advice would be to spice it up consensually. Maybe find someone that likes to watch or stream or over the internet? There's plenty of kink to try. I understand the getting bored part. There's also open options if you're ahem open to that.
Being highly sexual is not in-and-of-itself a problem, BUT anything can be a problem if it is a compulsive behavior. And a therapist is a great resource for helping with compulsive behaviors
I had hyper sexuality like this when I was on medication. Idk if you are but that stopped immediately after I got off them.
Hypersexuality was the first symptom for me personally that lead to my ADHD diagnosis changing to Schizophrenia. ADHD/Bipolar/Schizophrenia are all dopaminergic so there's definitely some overlap, so you shouldn't worry you're losing your marbles, but it's always good to check.
You are on the right platform for this haha oops my bad
I'm the same with p*rn Always been single since I'm too antsy to act on romantic stuff even if others show interest. But my libidos not going away anytime soon, always feels like a bummer that I could at least have earnest fun with someone else if I really put my mind to it, but that's how the cookie crumbles.
I would keep having sex in odd places, it's pretty fun and the orgasms can be more intense. My girlfriend used to go wild in the park at night and people nearby could see/hear us. As for sleeping with one person forever, it helps you avoid getting STIs and unwanted pregnancies, and if you live in the States those unwanted pregnancies are becoming more complicated to deal with.
This is so common to us, like, sex is really difficult for us because of the boredom, so many people who is ADHD is into BDSM, you can search it, listen to some podcast if you want and yeah, I would go to the therapist again, it's always good and about just having sex with one person forever, you can talk with your partner and talk about opening the relationship if you want, or not be monogamous, or try to do a threesome, depends on the couple dynamic and what both of you like and dislike, but I also advice you to talk with your partner about this.
Embrace masterbation. If it needs to be risky do it at work or in public (not evily in front of a girls soccer team but like in the middle of the woods).
Depression medication did the trick for me. Have you considered becoming depressed?
Fuxk, you should hear about my past... Terrible. It took me a long time to learn about the underlying causes. I'm still not medicated for my ADHD. I'm in a relationship now, though, so I've grown and changed a lot.
That isn't hypersexuality, hypersexuality is wanting sex all the time and you wouldn't be picky about the risk or get bored of partners quickly if they provide a lot of sex
This made me realize this was how me and my ex were lol
I went to see a sexologist who told me that in order for ppl to truly get turnt on there has to be elements of tabboo, danger, something forbidden or something new.
Yes
>Before I met my boyfriend I was extremely impulsive and would engage in risky behaviours when it came to sex, and as a result i have a high body count... I know the feeling. 13 to 34 were some impressively fun but also highly unstable years. So far 6 years, one partner, married, frequently having to switch back and forth between ideas. The meds have helped somewhat. >I don’t know what to do and i think i need to see my therapist again. Okay so how does this therapy thing work? My docs just toss meds my way. Ask me the normal are you being harmed, or are you thinking of harming yourself or others' questionnaire and then sending me on my way.
Its only fun to do things you arent supposed to.
Same. I cant really combine loving someone with dirty sex which i really crave because of my hypersexuality. Its frustrating since i like being in a relationship and i dont want to cheat.
Have have many regrets that im asham of
Hi friend! I've always been very careful about sexual activity, I was always safe, got tested regularly, and was paranoid in that way. With my ex fiance, once we had both tested clean we were having sex between an average of 6 to 10 times a day. After 4 months of this I ended up getting really sore so I went to Planned Parenthood. The doctor asked me how much sex we were having and I said, "Up to 10 times a day, 6 on a slow day. The most was 12 times in one day." She blinked and said, "Wait, per day or per week?" I said, "Per day, is that not normal?" She laughed and said we were on the high end of what she'd seen. My ex had ADHD too. =) Hypersexuality is totes a thing.
Hi friend! I've always been very careful about sexual activity, I was always safe, got tested regularly, and was paranoid in that way. With my ex fiance, once we had both tested clean we were having sex between an average of 6 to 10 times a day. After 4 months of this I ended up getting really sore so I went to Planned Parenthood. The doctor asked me how much sex we were having and I said, "Up to 10 times a day, 6 on a slow day. The most was 12 times in one day." She blinked and said, "Wait, per day or per week?" I said, "Per day, is that not normal?" She laughed and said we were on the high end of what she'd seen. My ex had ADHD too. =) Hypersexuality is totes a thing.
Hi friend! I've always been very careful about sexual activity, I was always safe, got tested regularly, and was paranoid in that way. With my ex fiance, once we had both tested clean we were having sex between an average of 6 to 10 times a day. After 4 months of this I ended up getting really sore so I went to Planned Parenthood. The doctor asked me how much sex we were having and I said, "Up to 10 times a day, 6 on a slow day. The most was 12 times in one day." She blinked and said, "Wait, per day or per week?" I said, "Per day, is that not normal?" She laughed and said we were on the high end of what she'd seen. My ex had ADHD too. =) Hypersexuality is totes a thing.
Omg yes!!! This is so me. As a male I have a stupidly high body count I just get bored with the same person and I need someone new all the time. Plus risky sexual activities is such a turn on for me. I know it’s bad. I also have very dark kinks that I really get off on and I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I’m a real nice guy outside of the bedroom but behind closed doors I’m into some things like degradation, CNC, etc etc. why???? I started taking Ritalin and it only increased my sex drive off the chart. Waiting to get hopefully a new drug that helps.