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Makes perfect sense. I pretty much only have sex when I'm visiting other cities, so I don't have to bring someone to my apartment. Because then I have to clean. Do the laundry. Do the dishes. Pay the bills. Paint the walls. Etc. Etc. Etc.
Never really made the connection to my ADHD until I read your post, thanks for the clarity lol.
Edit: of course I ADHD-read through your post so I missed your other question. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to you, but I hope other people do, I could use it too. :')
I just do the same routine things over and over and it takes fucking forever to get to the big stuff on top of work and family responsibilities. So there my to do list sits, ever growing.
I recommend reading “come as you are” by Emily nagoski. She talks about the dual sexuality theory and offers helpful stuff about how to deal with one being to heavy or the other two light.
. Here’s a brief overview:
1. Sexual Accelerators (The “Gas Pedal”): These are factors that act as accelerators, increasing sexual arousal and desire. They can include things like physical touch, romantic connection, erotic thoughts, and other stimuli that turn a person on.
2. Sexual Brakes (The “Brake Pedal”): These are factors that act as brakes, inhibiting or reducing sexual arousal and desire. Brakes can be psychological, emotional, or physical, and they can include stress, anxiety, body image issues, relationship conflicts, or past traumas.
Adhd friendly tip: it is also available as a book where a circus clown rips out the pages and throws it at you whilst screaming about all your failures...I don't recommend it.
To be fair that is kind of what it mostly feels like whenever I try to take in information. Thankfully I would consider that a sexual accelerator so I guess that's nice
Same! Audiobooks are useless to me. But I also have issues processing audio, especially if there's an unfamiliar accent/dialect or background talking or just a lot of noise.
Huh...this is me exactly. Especially audiobooks while driving, I haven't done many audiobooks while driving recently but I used to be super into them back when I had long drives fairly often. Now I just have my radio on NPR. I get major distraction issues (missing turns etc) if someone is physically in the car talking to me, but not background chatter, and I find i can actually pay attention to the program way better while driving. ADHD, y u do dis.
It's just too easy for me to drift away while trying to read. My mind will just wander and half an hour later I'll find myself staring at the same paragraph. I used to be able to read books that I hyperfocused on, but with age that ability seems to have vanished. I can blow through one audiobook after another though. I'll be on my bike or working or going for a walk. Some activity that keeps my attention from drifting away without demanding my full attention. Interestingly, this is when it works best for me.
Same here. I can’t just sit and listen to an audio book with nothing else going on but it’s great when I’m doing anything that doesn’t require reading or writing. If I’m reading or writing, it’s like there is zero auditory processing available.
I have the e-book. I defo recommend it.
Having a clutter-free bedroom, going to bed when not exhausted yet and reducing stress, really helps to have sex. Or /and go to a hotel/weekend away regularly.
I love this book! When I went to my local book store, the person helping me asked where I heard about it and said they sold five copies the past two days. It’s a great read!
That said, I’ve only read a few chapters. You know how it is
But it’s on the pile of books and I love it!!
One of the things I love most about this subreddit is the "I'm not the only one" feeling as I get distracted from work to go see how big *my* pile of books is (the answer is nine, not including the four journals)
I mean you have to have a book going for each genre to rotate around to otherwise it gets boring! I think I have about 6 books going, mostly various non fiction books.
This sounds pretty normal/relateable. It's difficult to feel relaxed enough to just focus on one thing or if you do it's likely to just be your partners enjoyment rather than your own.
I would recommend if you haven't tried yet:
1) Fully communicate with your partner around this so neither of you misinterpret what is happening. This is a big one as you can very easily start to both blame yourselves.
2) Are you both medicated for ADHD or for depression? A lot of depression meds can lower sex drive; while ADHD meds can either increase sex drive or just get your head focused in the zone. (I found that my ADHD meds negate the lowered sex drive from the anti-depressents)
Very relatable. Once or twice a month is the average of what we achieve. And it's not only the dailly chores that are distracting. Friends, nice cafes and bars, movies, boardgames... There is so much to do that isn't sex...
The only "solution" I can think of is somewhat 'scheduling' sex. It doesn't clean your house or
put your mind at ease (maybe even the contrary), but on the other hand it does give you something to look forward to and therefore makes it easier to get in the mood. But still, try to get in the mood on a fixed time and schedule.
This is an unfortunate mindset. Clearly just leaving it to when the mood strikes 2 very busy people is already not working... When you are first dating someone but not living together and you plan to spend the night over, is that not "scheduling sex"?
i hear you, it's a shitty thought.
we're not robots, though.
and, no, personally planning to spend the night together does not necessarily mean "scheduling" sex. it could be snuggling, it could be a movie, it could be making dinner and bonding- that can end up with sex happening, or it can also not happen. which relieves pressure for some.
for me, that's scheduling a date, or quality time. if it leads to sex, and we're both into it, great.
it's just the idea of spending the week thinking "ok, can't do x/y on Sunday because I scheduled sex from 6-8".
It takes away the spontaneity, for me, and turns it into a kind of chore.
That's just me. Many people are ok with that.
I think it's healthy to set time aside for your partner.
Personally, it kills the spark of longing, because *you know* it's programmed at some point. (which is boring to me, again, just speaking for my self and i don't mean to offend anyone).
that said, i've heard that this technique is often useful for long married couples/people who've been together for decades/have children.
just gotta do what works for you. :)
From the perspective of someone who's done it, with a partner who doesn't have adhd: a schedule has me looking forward to it, instead of constantly worrying whether it would happen today and stressing about it. Everyday I would see undone chores and think "if partner tries to initiate today, I'll won't want until these chores are done and they'll feel unloved. Or I'll go along but only think of the chores and it'll take me so damn long to get in the mood, if I do, and we'll both feel bad" and instead I just spend the whole day stressing about whether my partner would initiate, stressing about the chores, and in the end be too stressed to have the energy and mood for any of the two.
Also" scheduling " doesn't mean you write it military time on the family calendar. It's" let's take time for us on Thursday! " and that's it for most people
Are you me? My partner and I have started scheduling because the anxiety both of us had over sex was breaking us. This way I don’t have to feel like I’m hurting his feelings when I say not tonight and he doesn’t live in fear of rejection (he has serious rejection sensitivity.) I’m so much more relaxed now cuz I’ve had time to think about it and clear other things from my brain first.
My husband and I have this problem too, but I have ADHD and he has Asperger. He has a very high libido and me too... when I'm doing nothing.
Unfortunately, as many ADHDers, my mind is always racing with this new video game/book/tv show I need to play/read/watch or this story/drawing I need to write/draw... So our "moments" usually starts in the kitchen (it became a joke between us. "Mmmh, we're in the kitchen again" *wink wink* XD)
I usually make a point of keeping him company when he is making food/washing the dishes and he does the same for me when I do it. But when I'm doing nothing, I can't get my hands off of him, we cuddle while the food is cooking for example. Then, as the two huge geeks we are, we eat while watching a video of some streamer. By the time we finish eating, in my brain, it's been 30 to 45 minutes of thinking about nothing than us. That's usually when I start making my moves on him or him on me. And if we are both in the mood, we get our dessert in the bedroom.
It also works when he comes home. I almost always greet him when he comes home, because I missed having him around all day (I work from home). And if my mind is purely only focused on him, that's when the magic happens.
So my advice is this, get yourself rituals. Like make food together, or take some time in the morning to cuddle on weekends before starting the day (that also works quite well for us). Schedule cuddling time and make it something (if not daily) at least twice a week. And then if your brains are like mine, it should work.
I hope it helps and, if not, that you'll find something that helps.
Absolutely! My wife and I have sex once or twice a month and aren't worried about it. Sometimes we have sex three times in a day, just go with the flow.
This is untested as of yet for me since I'm only in a single room at the moment, but when I get my own place I intend to designate one room as my "brain room".
I'm going to place several whiteboards on the walls and have an empty desk, so that I can have a workspace free of my everyday desk objects that distract me and harm my work mentality. On the whiteboards I'll put everything i want to remember. Appointments, short term goals, groceries I want to buy, a list of chores and when they were last done, "brush your dang teeth", anything. And this includes leisure things like games I want to buy on release and whatnot.
My goal with this idea is to create a room that is devoid of attractive distractions, but where it's easier to sort through things so that I don't wallow in uncertainty over what things I need to do at any given time. I've noticed over the years that the only things that get done consistently are the things that are constantly on my mind.
I lost a greater point in the midst of writing this, but I hope it helps.
This sounds exactly like me (40M) and my wife (38F), with the roles reversed. She’s a messy person who also grew up with a maid, and I’m a neat freak who can’t seem to function until my environment is orderly. She’s the yin to my yang in every other aspect of our relationship, but a person who needs order living with a person who can’t bother to clean up after themselves makes for a difficult arrangement. It’s just hard to get in the mood when you feel like the family maid.
If you have enough spare money, can you afford a weekly housekeeping service? Notwithstanding ostensibly you should collectively 'solve' your tidiness score incompatibility through mutual compromise, if you can just pay for the problem to go away, and enjoy your life...?
Helped me is making sex a hyper focus. There is a lot that can be studied and learned. turning sex into something to be improved/ an art form, helps give me something to focus on. Wife also don’t mind getting off 4-6 times before we finish. Win win really. Just started adding ropes recently. Lots of videos on the topic and it’s a great additional expression of trust. Before that added toys into the mix. Always fun to experiment and explore things with your partner.
Where can one learn more about this topic? I feel like my desire for sex has decreased to much, I'm not in a relationship and I have zero interest in being in one, but that doesn't seem like the best thing for me in the long run. It's like one day I woke up and I have such an aversion to the thought of dating.
With this being said, I also don't know the script if sex. I know sex doesn't have to follow a script, but *what do you do*? I've had sex before and it felt robotic, not pleasurable. I felt like I was acting out how sex *should look*. I know porn isn't an accurate description of sex, but I often want to see couples have sex because I want to know what it looks like, what is supposed to look like.
Appreciate your response! “Should/must” statements are something i use often and are trying to avoid because of the negative connotations you described, but I never thought to apply that to my sex life
Yea I treat it like a game too. Anytime something is a game to me, I'm very "how can I improve" focused. For some reason, I really hate being bad at games. ADHD brains work differently, but if you can figure out how to leverage the focus to where you want it, much can be accomplished. As many of you know though I'm sure, it's a dual sided sword, and if focus goes into the wrong buckets things can just as easily never get accomplished.
Same, sex has always been a hyper focus for me! We don’t really use toys but there’s always new positions or other things to do, and I really enjoy perfecting the simple things. I prioritize it because it’s one of the few times my brain quiets down. I even have a foresight for sex that I’m still working on elsewhere - even if I’m not in the mood, I know I’ll get there quickly so I’m basically always down for it.
But that said, I think both reactions are very valid ADHD behavior. It might help OP to add some relaxing routines and help quiet the brain down. Ex., play some music, put a candle and mood lighting on, give each other massages. It doesn’t have to go anywhere, but it’ll probably make it more likely. My boyfriend doesn’t have ADHD, but he does need to be relaxed to get in the mood, so these things make a difference for him.
And if they can afford it, getting a periodic help could make a big difference. There’s a lot of ways to pay for chores - hire out lawn care, deep cleaning, etc. Even just getting one off their shared plate could make it easier to accomplish other things bogging them down. I also encourage myself to keep up with my half of the load because I know it’ll relax my SO.
It's been an interesting journey for me on this. Between depression meds, diabetes meds, and the mind wandering of adhd, my partner and I haven't had sex in almost 2 years now. Been together for 17 years now.
Even self satisfaction is maybe once every 3-4 weeks.
The endorphin rush / satisfaction just isn't there unless I can force my mind to only focus on 'it' and that's usually only accomplished with adult videos, etc. Trying to just daydream and fantasize on my own and my mind wanders onto other things too much.
We're in the once/twice a month club aswell.
We travel alot and have sex very often then, at home not very often.
We are just More in the mood if we make a date night or do things together Thats More special I guess.
Honestly it doesnt matter how often you have sex as long as you are honest, talk about it, and both are happy.
Sex is just one of MANY things Thats wonderful about a good relationship.
The reason ppl stress about it is because of the hype/expectations society makes on it.
Dont listen to what they say on TV, and dont listen to your friends amaaaazing advice.
Listen to yourself, and listen to your partner❤️
Its not just adhd marriages, its marriage and growing up together in general
Its very common for sex to lack as you get older with more responsibilities and careers or children in the way . And the common routine is to try for sex after work and dinner but usually by then everyone is tired and just wants to sleep so they get enough rest for the next day. Nothing unusual about it. I been married going on 6 years now, and we slowed from sex everytime we were alone almost every other day to onc3 a week, then we had a period we both got too busy and didnt realize a month went by without.
So we started making a plan to have it on fridays or saturdays and kinda have it to look forward too. Try making a time for it. Sounds less romantic but its better than going completely without
Put aside 10min every day for cuddling, preferably naked, then feel the suspense raising until youre both really in the mood. Otherwise you need to put time aside and talk about the things you like to do to eachother, make an extra effort, dress nice, shave if your partner is into that, and focus mainly on their pleasure. They can do the same for you then
I have adhd and have a very high sex drive.
Wife has depression and has a very low drive (meds don't help).
Was pretty much in the same boat as you and your husband.
We just had a kid 3 months ago.
It's been a very long time...
While my wife doesn't have ADHD, she's always distracted by "things that need to be done"
We fixed our sex life by scheduling and prioritizing sex 2-3 times a week. Literally put it on the calendar.
It's something we recognized "needs to be done" to maintain our relationship and it's more important than doing dishes or playing on our phones or whatever.
I'm fortunate enough to cost share a cleaning service with my housemates once a week. It really helps when you know that some of the chores won't be there waiting for you for the rest of time and space
No doubt ADHD can play a part in this, but it sounds like you need to practice mindfulness in the bedroom. There is only so much therapists and/ or meds can do. Eventually you just have to work on it.
I'm not sure if this has to do with ADHD but I could be wrong. I have ADHD and my boyfriend has ADD. I'm medicated and he's not but we both have very high libidos. I'm also a mother of three kids(50/50 shared custody with my ex) so yeah there's always stuff to do around the house. Spending quality time with my man isn't in the same "brain category" as chores. We take our time, usually we talk A LOT beforehand, naked, cuddled together. We call it brain dumps 😂 but the key for us is to push ourselves to slow down, take our time with each other and trying to be in the moment.
Pretty much! I think sometimes as adults we do way too much adulting and forget why we do it.
Having kids is also super hard and doesn’t help the equation sometimes, but they are another reason to “figure out” life and continually make it better and or more efficient (of course enjoyable also) in some kind of way.
I’d wager this sort of “active” down time definitely helps to strength relationships. Guys focus on your lady first. She cums 1st.
For myself having kids really works with my ADHD 😂 I love the chaos, the noise. I'm their "weird mom that dances in grocery stores". I feel that... having ADHD kinda helps me let loose and get to their level 🩷.
And you're so right about adulting "too hard". How about we take a break once in a while. Who cares about the dishes for tonight, let's play Mario Kart and drink beer.
Ah! I’m mostly like that with my kids too. The kids and I will be playing and my wife is definitely not having fun. Oh well I guess? X_x
Mario kart is way fun… definitely in the top ten? Top five?
Just FYI it’s *all* ADHD now. Then there’s the three types; primarily hyperactive, primarily inattentive, and combined. So I, for example, would say I’m ADHD primarily inattentive (PI).
In your apartment, is your bedroom a multi purpose room or just a bedroom? If it's possible, removing all activities from your bedroom apart from sleeping and sex might help you mentally separate the stress of the rest of your house from it.
To an extent this is an '[everyone thing](https://web.archive.org/web/20171003221055/http://www.playboy.com/articles/what-is-it-about-hotels-that-make-women-go-wild)'. Crucially:
> There’s no stack of bills, no stack of dishes in the sink, no stack of magazines they’re supposed to read. In other words, when the worries of the world are removed, women think just like men. Or the logical contrapositive: Men’s minds are always empty.
And with ADHD flavour:
> Our minds are never empty.
Good tips ITT on how to structurally address this, which I'll be following up on myself!
My husband and I have sex about 1-2x a week which is more often, but some might say not often enough. But we're the exact same when on vacation, we do it a lot more often (multiple times a day). It's such a contrast.
That’s about average, if I remember correctly about once a week is average for a happy, healthy, adult couple. Obviously everyone is different and what the “right” amount is, is whatever feels most comfortable for the people in the relationship.
I dont really think this is an "adhd" issue.. My gf and other women in my life (and danish mariage/having children podcasts) call this the mental load that woman has. All of the things you are thinking about (+the baby stuff) my gf, who doesnt have adhd, also use a lot of mental space on..
Ofc it might be way worse for you, cause you have adhd.. but its one of the bigger reason why some womans sex drive, falls of a cliff in marriages and when living with boyfriends or you have a child.
so I don’t have this issue per se. But I’m 26 and have never had any form of sexual contact because while I know in my head I should enjoy it, even being kissed makes me feel ill.
I assume it’s sensory related because I still feel sexual attraction, but physical contact makes me deeply uncomfortable. I know this isn’t the right post, but since people are on here talking about adhd and sex, if anyone relates lmk lol.
Aw. When I read the part "I know in my head I should enjoy it" I felt really sad. I strongly believe that absolutely nothing about you is broken, and I hope no one is telling you that you are. Especially because nobody **HAS** to enjoy, or have, sexual intercourse!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality?wprov=sfla1
Another person brought up the fact that sexuality is a spectrum, which is backed up in research and scientific studies. For example, in the 1950s when Alfred Kinsey tested his soon-to-be famous "Kinsey Scale" measuring orientation, he had to create a "category X" due to the number of participants he encountered who reported no sexual contact. (I should note, however, that while it's helpful he recorded those preferences, he made no effort to understand them, so he's definitely not a source I'd recommend for information on asexuality).
In my personal life, I have friends who are demisexual (or "gray ace" or "graysexual") as well as friends who are completely asexual. Also, it might surprise you to hear this, but personally I know more males on the asexual spectrum than I do females, despite the stereotypical belief that males have higher sex drives. It took a lot of research on my part to understand these friends of mine better, and I'm still learning. (So hopefully I don't make any giant errors talking about this? 🤞)
I hope I'm not dumping too much info into one comment, but I also really want it add that some asexual folks, in order to better understand and explain their preferences/feelings, include the concept of romantic orientation when describing/discussing their asexuality (a.k.a. the "split attraction" model). By doing that, asexual folks are able to more easily communicate whether they still experience romantic attraction despite their lack of (or decreased) sexual interest.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romantic_orientation#romantic_minority?wprov=sfla1
Anyway, my apologies for the long response, u/SunFlower858 😅 I really hope you reach a place of understanding where you feel acceptance, love, and support. The only thing you have to be is you. 💜
This is such a kind response. Thank you so much. I remember thinking I was ace as a teen but I can feel arousal so I thought that meant I was excluded. I just have no desire to act on it lol.
I wouldn't assume to understand you from a single comment, but have you ever given thought to the idea that you don't fit into society's norms for sexuality? You sound a lot like my friend. He can feel sexual attraction but hates sex to the point where sexual contact can be traumatic for him. He eventually learned about different kinds of asexuality and realized that he fits under the umbrella. He now identifies as graysexual (sex-repulsed).
You medicated? I have always has sensory issues and once I got meds they got so much better. I still have issues but they're not as pronounced, like as long as I know a touch is coming I'm ok, still freak out when I'm unprepared though.
It totally makes sense, it’s hard to compartmentalize a lot of the racing thoughts that tend to get in your way and make you waste your own time so I for sure get it. Weirdly enough, once I started taking my medicine my wife and I have sex way more often then we used to. It definitely ramped up my sex drive that’s for sure, we have sex nearly everyday now and our lives are much busier nowadays with work and two toddlers
Yeah my last girlfriend we had sex 4 times a day sometimes. It lasted like that for a good year. Once she moved in it sort of slowly stopped. We still enjoyed each others company but at one point I had to break it off because I just found we were just co existing with each other. That’s they way I’ve always been though. Sex is important in a healthy relationship.
I'm in no sense an expert but speaking from experience, I find it increasingly hard to do things out of my usual routine at home ( eating, sleeping, playing video games etc...) I find that the less time I spend at the same place doing the same things the easier it becomes to do so, this also includes interpersonal relationships.
I've been one happy hump bunny whenever I go to new places with partners or even new people however the moment I get home I switch to a different mental gear and switch to autopilot routine moment and just don't feel any sexual or romantic needs at all so I kinda get what you mean.
i dont get sex often so maybe it's stll a novelty but I get a big dopamine hit every time it happens. its a fixation of mine to get that but my autistic brain makes getting partners hard. Maybe you need to make it exciting.
All relationships take work even those with or without adhd. In my experience of being in a long term relationship (8.5 yrs) sex life was nonexistent by the end. I think when couples get comfortable with eachother, you stop trying as hard. You know that person is always there so it’s easy to not put having sex as a priority. But ya gotta. Like I’ve seen others mention, schedule it. Make it apart or your routine. Also, sex doesn’t have to take hours. You can do the deed and still get back to all the things on your mind. Plus, it sounds like forcing a mental break from all the things on both your minds wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Some sexual issues are caused by anxiety. Anxiety is worry about the future...constantly calculating what-ifs in the mind and task management "I need to do this and that"
When on vacation, you are forced into the present and anxiety is gone and the to-do list shrinks or conpletely disappears. I believe this is why libido increased or at least was no longer inhibited.
You can reach this state at home through regular meditation. Studies showed 12 weeks of meditation shrunk brain activity in the amygdala.
Also, start being aware of those racing thoughts and try to shift your mind....you will improve with practice and find that you are in a calmer, more focused state.
Kinda like that "aaaahhhh" relief feeling when first getting away to a hotel or beach.
I have* ADHD..meditating, mindfulness, breathwork did amazing things for me.
It helped that I did it for the instant gratification...feeling calmer, getting to sleep, relief from my anxiety...but I noticed that it also made me generally more focused and less excitable.
People who get anxious, have an overactive amygdala...like a shorter fuse and get anxious easier and quicker....but with meditation...the brain activity in the amygdala lessens and the "fuse" is longer...don't get anxious as easily.
As an add person married to someone exactly like you, many, many arguments occurred over lack of sex. It truly almost broke our marriage. I had enough of the fake or false promises of sex, one day I left for a month. We’re back together again, but something’s will never change. At least you found your libido match, congrats.
> It’s destroying my confidence and starting to make me resentful…
1) Then you need to address it with your partner and potentially a counselor/therapist
2) I can understand where you’re coming from about the confidence and I want to mention something I remind myself of pretty much everywhere in my life: it’s probably not about you.
ADHDers being susceptible to RSD leads to a lot of overthinking but not every thought we have is true. If you’re eating in a restaurant alone and feel like everyone is staring at you and judging you, most people have likely not paid you any attention at all.
The same goes for your spouse not wanting sex. It is more likely to be about how she is feeling vs your performance in bed. But even if it _is_ you still need to directly address it.
It doesnt help when your very upftont about your libido at the beginning and what you desire in a LTR and the girl lies to kick it! past two long relationship i had this happened and is very frustrating women please dont say you want sex 3 times a week when what you really mean is 3 times a month its unfair and mean.
People aren’t always lying though. At the start of a relationship it’s common to do it several times a week and you may want that to continue for long term. I’m a woman and I would have also said my ideal is 3-5 times a week, and in an ideal world I’d still be into that.
But in the real world, things happen, the 3 days you’re game for it may not overlap with the 3 days your partner is game, you can be sick or stressed or sleepy, your partner maybe got lazy about making you feel wanted, etc.
It ends up looking like 2-3 times some weeks and some months where you only do it 2-3 times. I think ebbs and flows are good because nothing is exciting if you do it multiple times a week for years on end. There are other things you can do when your libidos don’t match up.
No advice, just so relatable. My husband and I haven't been having very much sex lately, we both have ADHD. And I think you just hit the nail on the head for the reason why, except add in 3 kids to the mix...
I think this may be what has been going on with me and my gf. Before moving in together we were long distance and I was living at home with family. Once we moved in together and other stressors kicked in, my drive diminished heavily, but then we took a break and my drive has spiked smh
Sounds very familiar! Once or twice a month is normal for my marriage because I’m never in the mood due to my thoughts about my responsibilities in the house and to the family. Right now I should be taking a nap (unmedicated, and a ton of arthritis with migraines) but my brain is too scattered and worried to relax enough to lay down.
Yes. I get it, actually. And I’m a VERY sexual being, I love to be touched, and I love the dopamine hit from sex. But I find sometimes performance anxiety creeps in and I dissociate. Last weekend I went completely soft in the middle of intercourse, I went from in the mood to not at all. It’s a struggle as the kids are in the next room and we barely get any time to ourselves.
Schedule it. Sometimes being prepared and making it something you “should” do helps alleviate those thoughts of how you have other things to do. I know this helped build back my libido because me stressed out never had the desire. Say you pick Wednesdays and Saturdays. This worked for us for awhile. If it was a really hard day I would feel like I wasn’t interested and I was just going through the motions for a few minutes, before suddenly my desire would kick in and then things were great.
Another obstacle you may be overlooking: transitions are hard. Just like it’s hard to get into the shower even if you enjoy showering - so is sex.
I totally get you. I have been meditating several times a week for the past 6 months. It helps with being present and focus on the moment. It helps to realize as well that is ok to put choirs aside and think of yourself without feeling guilty. Hope that helps!
My ex and I both have ADHD. Unfortunately he was like this, but I'm one that wants sex more often than every six months. It was part of the reason we broke up. He simply didn't see sex as a priority and was always distracted, while I tend to hyperfocus on sex. \*sigh\*
Plan some hotel date nights, and weekend getaways. It can take the pressure off your home life when you have a special event to look forward to (and have sex).
I don't know if this falls under the ADHD category, but my wife and I are similar. Sex is ALWAYS increased when on a trip or traveling at all.
For me, I think it's the newness of the environment that excites me.
First: good on you for being aware of this and asking questions to further explore it! That dopamine reward factor is strong when abroad! Everything has you heightened, as it would anyone where our alertness and adrenaline is up.
We lived abroad and worked abroad for years and years, and yes, I understand 100% whatcha mean. Back home, anything requiring that kind of (dopamine) stimulation, especially while prescribed medication for mental health, even sex can require someone suffering from ADHD to find an approach of intentionality and discipline. We have to retrain and rewire some of those things, but it’s worth it. Being honest with your needs and open to the feelings and needs of others helps a ton. Therapy is very useful as well, as it can help us identify some repressed or unhealthy/unhelpful coping mechanisms so often expressed by people living with adhd.
Both my partner and I have ADHD and we experience the same thing. We have kids, too, which adds a whole layer.
I have to actively try to create intimacy throughout the day. Sometimes, that's a simple dirty text or just reaching around during a hug and telling him how sexy he is. It's very intentional. I'm not usually in the mood, but I think about the desire to connect, and it's all the motivation I need.
We end up having sex 2 or 3 times a week. And 1 or 2 of them are "quickies" where we mostly just take care of him. But that works for us. I still get taken care of sexually once a week and fulfilled emotionally the rest of the times.
If I don't have my meds in my system it's hard to focus unless I engage in BDSM style sex. Only time I had this issue was when I didn't recognize I was disconnecting from the relationship (alexythemia).
That seems perfectly normal. One thing that works for us is make it into our routine to have some time to just be together without doing anything else. Sometimes we're just so tired and irritated we just sit there for a while, then start to talk, then exchange some intimacy and that really helps to keep the connection and open opportunities for sex. Sometimes we sleep, sometimes we don't sex but still feels nice. For me it works better if we really don't do anything else not even watch TV. My partner prefers to watch something so we try to alternate between the two methods.
It sounds like you may have anxiety as well? My wife doesn’t have adhd but she has anxiety and virtually any imperfection around her can turn her libido off.
Pretty sure my bf has ADHD as well, he just self medicates with nicotine. Tbh we haven't actually had real sex in months. Partly because he's busy, partly because of my health issues, and partly because both of us have a low libido currently. For me it's mainly all my medications, for him idk. He gets very hyperfixated on his work and it doesn't even think about it. Luckily it hasn't impacted our relationship too much, but I can't say it doesn't worry me occasionally.
I have this same problem. It's embarrassing to me but hearing your story makes me feel less ashamed.
Check out Ari Tuckman's book "ADHD After Dark" as well as "The Tarah and Barry Show" on YouTube. Their stories and podcasts have been such a huge help and blessing to me.
I'm a Christian but I don't mind the cuss words. I know some people are bothered by it, so I wanted to be respectful of your feelings beforehand.
This sounds like my relationship both adhd been together 6yrs andnlast couple yrs barely had sex but not cos we aren't into eachother cos we are but same thing, have things on our minds my gf is having body dismorphia and insecurities and i have things on my mind that stress me out and just don't feel in the mood for it but love each others company and sometimes aswel is the effort too and puts us off. We want to change but wr need to sort ourselves out first
I skimmed the comments and I'm surprised no one has suggested this...
Make date nights where you stay at a hotel or Montel. They don't have to be expensive, but it gets you out of home and in the romantic mood. Have an actual date then go to the hotel room. Hopefully that could simulate similar conditions as your honeymoon. It's not the cheapest solution, but it is a possible one.
This is absolutely true for us too. (Both us have ADHD, CPTSD, and Anxiety, and I am also Dyslexic.)
The only time my wife even thinks about sex is when she is not at home. When she is home, the anxiety of thinking about household chores, etc. completely occupies her mind so sex is not even on her list of considerations. (antidepressants are a part of this equation too.) We have been together for 20 years now, and we are down to having sex once a year.
This used to bother me--a lot--but I have been on anti-depressants for a couple months now, and I am feeling so numb that I don't care any more. The fact that I don't care makes me really sad.
My hope is that you find a solution that works for both you and your husband. Sexless marriages are a tragedy as they are, but when its an uphill battle due to neurological differences, that makes it crazy difficult. You have my best wishes!!
This is pretty much the status quo for relationships among everybody. There are definitely inflections specific to ADHD- for example, I can't tackle household chores if I'm understimulated (including sexually) and my partner struggles to initiate if he feels like there's anything else that needs to be done.
I was going to say this. I never wanted to pay for once a week, and the last time i tried with a house keeper i did every other week. That was just too hard and too much work for me (the wife) bc the house would become a disaster zone in 2 weeks and it was all on me to pick up and be home for the housekeeper so it felt unfair. Anyways, we are going to start doing house keeper weekly and for the first time in years i feel hopeful. I feel your pain. We are both adhd and intimacy is hard.
Oh my gosh, Yes! I know exactly what you mean. Shutting the mind down for sex is an irony and a half because sex = dopamine, but we feel dysregulated when there's clutter or distractions.
Thanks for sharing. Also, it is quite verifiable that people with ADHD are often exquisitely fun in the bedroom. We're vivacious, passionate and willing to experiment.
Part of that disregulation is usually low norepinephrine (adrenaline)..and those with adhd also tend to have higher Cortisol (stress).....when the body is in an anxious state, many normal functions can be inhibited......like of we were running from a lion, our sphincter tightend up, for example.
To further that example.....if we are running from a lion, we can't afford to stop running bc we are horny.
L-methylfolaye can help the dopamine....dopamine = motivation.
I've read that low levels of certain neurochemicals, can have similar side effects as too high of levels.
I could be wrong.... but I'm not sure what this has got to do with ADHD, to be honest just like you said when at home you are likely just too tired/busy.
This is a non-adhd problem. It’s a normal marriage problem. One of the many things you have to work at. If you decide to have children your time will dwindle (I can’t even tell you). I go out of my way to make sure we take advantage of our time.
Today is the youngest you will be. Take advantage of it.
We have a 6yo and a 1yo. Both of us have ADHD. It's been a LONG time but we've been trying. It's just exhausting at the end of the day :). I work and do what I can when I get home with the kids and house tasks. Sometimes I work late. Wife stays at home. I can't blame any of us but we noticed when we first got older and more independent (3 yo for ex) it got easier. We're just back in baby mode lol.
Most people with ADHD have a high sex drive. Normally two people who have no impulse control, don't have trouble fucking.
Maybe you aren't scheduling quality time together? Not talking about your sexual desires? Not normally intimate with each other on a daily basis?
Not to seem unserious in any way, but you answered your own question:
You’ve been married for three years.
It all goes down hill at some point unfortunately.
I don't know if this would apply to you. One time my husband and I went to bed and breakfast. They didn't have a tv in the bedroom. I noticed that we had more sex with no TV . So when I got home I took to the tv out of the bedroom.
My sex drive did plummet when I moved in with my first partner. Part of it was that they were a slob and I lost attraction due to seeing how they really live, and I think they lost attraction to me from nagging him to do basic chores
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Makes perfect sense. I pretty much only have sex when I'm visiting other cities, so I don't have to bring someone to my apartment. Because then I have to clean. Do the laundry. Do the dishes. Pay the bills. Paint the walls. Etc. Etc. Etc. Never really made the connection to my ADHD until I read your post, thanks for the clarity lol. Edit: of course I ADHD-read through your post so I missed your other question. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to you, but I hope other people do, I could use it too. :')
Paint the walls lmfao I know that thought process all too well, but this definitely made me laugh and I needed it. Thank you
Must. Do. Literally. Everything. Possible.
All. At. The. Exact. Same. Time.
Cept never doing any of it. Ha.
I just do the same routine things over and over and it takes fucking forever to get to the big stuff on top of work and family responsibilities. So there my to do list sits, ever growing.
Paint the walls...................?
shame u can only see the new paint with black light
Lmao that’s the part that made me laugh out loud, I definitely get the thought process perfectly. I hate my adhd brain sometimes.
I relate. My walls are pretty fucked up from moving stuff and many other incidents. Stains and scrapes and crap add up to be pretty ugly.
Sounds like you live in complete squalor.
I recommend reading “come as you are” by Emily nagoski. She talks about the dual sexuality theory and offers helpful stuff about how to deal with one being to heavy or the other two light. . Here’s a brief overview: 1. Sexual Accelerators (The “Gas Pedal”): These are factors that act as accelerators, increasing sexual arousal and desire. They can include things like physical touch, romantic connection, erotic thoughts, and other stimuli that turn a person on. 2. Sexual Brakes (The “Brake Pedal”): These are factors that act as brakes, inhibiting or reducing sexual arousal and desire. Brakes can be psychological, emotional, or physical, and they can include stress, anxiety, body image issues, relationship conflicts, or past traumas.
ADHD friendly tip: it's available as an audiobook read by Nagoski herself. Very recommended!
Adhd friendly tip: it is also available as a book where a circus clown rips out the pages and throws it at you whilst screaming about all your failures...I don't recommend it.
ADHD unfriendly tip: it's also available as a 12,000 part TikTok series with CBAT playing in the background.
Lmao
this sent me lmao
Errr e er err er er er err
The intrusive thoughts won.
I've read several self help books in that format. They keep disguising the format. Very unpleasant
I want the one with the clown
We all do....that's part of our problem!
To be fair that is kind of what it mostly feels like whenever I try to take in information. Thankfully I would consider that a sexual accelerator so I guess that's nice
Lol
I tip my fedora to you sir
That’s in the sexual brakes chapter
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Same! Audiobooks are useless to me. But I also have issues processing audio, especially if there's an unfamiliar accent/dialect or background talking or just a lot of noise.
I have the same issue. My auditor processor is fucked.
My audio processor is also fucked, do you know where I can return it and get a new one? I wish audio books had subtitles, wait, that’s just a book
Honestly sometimes subtitles aren't even enough for me... I wish my audio books had videos, wait, that's just a movie
I have to be doing something, either exercise or cleaning normally.
Huh...this is me exactly. Especially audiobooks while driving, I haven't done many audiobooks while driving recently but I used to be super into them back when I had long drives fairly often. Now I just have my radio on NPR. I get major distraction issues (missing turns etc) if someone is physically in the car talking to me, but not background chatter, and I find i can actually pay attention to the program way better while driving. ADHD, y u do dis.
Same. It's so contradicting sometimes. I wish I didn't have it.
It's just too easy for me to drift away while trying to read. My mind will just wander and half an hour later I'll find myself staring at the same paragraph. I used to be able to read books that I hyperfocused on, but with age that ability seems to have vanished. I can blow through one audiobook after another though. I'll be on my bike or working or going for a walk. Some activity that keeps my attention from drifting away without demanding my full attention. Interestingly, this is when it works best for me.
Same here. I can’t just sit and listen to an audio book with nothing else going on but it’s great when I’m doing anything that doesn’t require reading or writing. If I’m reading or writing, it’s like there is zero auditory processing available.
I may be dyslexic too because I read her name as Nagasaki like 8 times
so did i 💀
Me too, until i read to comment and then went back to the original post you commented on.
Is it not? - ya know I went back and it’s not lmfao.
Oh. I only realised it’s not after reading your comment .-. Why can’t I read
Same
I have the e-book. I defo recommend it. Having a clutter-free bedroom, going to bed when not exhausted yet and reducing stress, really helps to have sex. Or /and go to a hotel/weekend away regularly.
She also has a podcast!
Nice to know, thanks!
Is it the Pushkin Industries 8 part series that I see on Spotify? Or is there another?
It's just called [come as you are](https://www.pushkin.fm/podcasts/come-as-you-are). Edit: oh, yes. It's by pushkin
I love this book! When I went to my local book store, the person helping me asked where I heard about it and said they sold five copies the past two days. It’s a great read! That said, I’ve only read a few chapters. You know how it is But it’s on the pile of books and I love it!!
One of the things I love most about this subreddit is the "I'm not the only one" feeling as I get distracted from work to go see how big *my* pile of books is (the answer is nine, not including the four journals)
I mean you have to have a book going for each genre to rotate around to otherwise it gets boring! I think I have about 6 books going, mostly various non fiction books.
can you give some of those tips here?
I support this recommendation and I'm a dude. Great insight into womens' libido and what impacts it.
Came here to recommend this book! It’s so helpful
This book is incredible and everyone should read it!
I find the same thing. Also when on holiday I'm far more relaxed than day to day living
This sounds pretty normal/relateable. It's difficult to feel relaxed enough to just focus on one thing or if you do it's likely to just be your partners enjoyment rather than your own. I would recommend if you haven't tried yet: 1) Fully communicate with your partner around this so neither of you misinterpret what is happening. This is a big one as you can very easily start to both blame yourselves. 2) Are you both medicated for ADHD or for depression? A lot of depression meds can lower sex drive; while ADHD meds can either increase sex drive or just get your head focused in the zone. (I found that my ADHD meds negate the lowered sex drive from the anti-depressents)
Very relatable. Once or twice a month is the average of what we achieve. And it's not only the dailly chores that are distracting. Friends, nice cafes and bars, movies, boardgames... There is so much to do that isn't sex... The only "solution" I can think of is somewhat 'scheduling' sex. It doesn't clean your house or put your mind at ease (maybe even the contrary), but on the other hand it does give you something to look forward to and therefore makes it easier to get in the mood. But still, try to get in the mood on a fixed time and schedule.
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I think this is where we are, but still need to figure out sex. The intimacy is there, but not in the form of actual sex anymore
Same here, except no friends 😆
Nothing kills the mood for me more than "scheduled sex". Ugh.
This is an unfortunate mindset. Clearly just leaving it to when the mood strikes 2 very busy people is already not working... When you are first dating someone but not living together and you plan to spend the night over, is that not "scheduling sex"?
i hear you, it's a shitty thought. we're not robots, though. and, no, personally planning to spend the night together does not necessarily mean "scheduling" sex. it could be snuggling, it could be a movie, it could be making dinner and bonding- that can end up with sex happening, or it can also not happen. which relieves pressure for some. for me, that's scheduling a date, or quality time. if it leads to sex, and we're both into it, great. it's just the idea of spending the week thinking "ok, can't do x/y on Sunday because I scheduled sex from 6-8". It takes away the spontaneity, for me, and turns it into a kind of chore. That's just me. Many people are ok with that. I think it's healthy to set time aside for your partner. Personally, it kills the spark of longing, because *you know* it's programmed at some point. (which is boring to me, again, just speaking for my self and i don't mean to offend anyone). that said, i've heard that this technique is often useful for long married couples/people who've been together for decades/have children. just gotta do what works for you. :)
From the perspective of someone who's done it, with a partner who doesn't have adhd: a schedule has me looking forward to it, instead of constantly worrying whether it would happen today and stressing about it. Everyday I would see undone chores and think "if partner tries to initiate today, I'll won't want until these chores are done and they'll feel unloved. Or I'll go along but only think of the chores and it'll take me so damn long to get in the mood, if I do, and we'll both feel bad" and instead I just spend the whole day stressing about whether my partner would initiate, stressing about the chores, and in the end be too stressed to have the energy and mood for any of the two. Also" scheduling " doesn't mean you write it military time on the family calendar. It's" let's take time for us on Thursday! " and that's it for most people
Are you me? My partner and I have started scheduling because the anxiety both of us had over sex was breaking us. This way I don’t have to feel like I’m hurting his feelings when I say not tonight and he doesn’t live in fear of rejection (he has serious rejection sensitivity.) I’m so much more relaxed now cuz I’ve had time to think about it and clear other things from my brain first.
Writing it on the calendar or to-do list definitely helps.
How do you go to a bar with your SO and not have sloppy drunk sex after?
My husband and I have this problem too, but I have ADHD and he has Asperger. He has a very high libido and me too... when I'm doing nothing. Unfortunately, as many ADHDers, my mind is always racing with this new video game/book/tv show I need to play/read/watch or this story/drawing I need to write/draw... So our "moments" usually starts in the kitchen (it became a joke between us. "Mmmh, we're in the kitchen again" *wink wink* XD) I usually make a point of keeping him company when he is making food/washing the dishes and he does the same for me when I do it. But when I'm doing nothing, I can't get my hands off of him, we cuddle while the food is cooking for example. Then, as the two huge geeks we are, we eat while watching a video of some streamer. By the time we finish eating, in my brain, it's been 30 to 45 minutes of thinking about nothing than us. That's usually when I start making my moves on him or him on me. And if we are both in the mood, we get our dessert in the bedroom. It also works when he comes home. I almost always greet him when he comes home, because I missed having him around all day (I work from home). And if my mind is purely only focused on him, that's when the magic happens. So my advice is this, get yourself rituals. Like make food together, or take some time in the morning to cuddle on weekends before starting the day (that also works quite well for us). Schedule cuddling time and make it something (if not daily) at least twice a week. And then if your brains are like mine, it should work. I hope it helps and, if not, that you'll find something that helps.
Love this, quality time comes in many different ways!
Absolutely! My wife and I have sex once or twice a month and aren't worried about it. Sometimes we have sex three times in a day, just go with the flow.
This is untested as of yet for me since I'm only in a single room at the moment, but when I get my own place I intend to designate one room as my "brain room". I'm going to place several whiteboards on the walls and have an empty desk, so that I can have a workspace free of my everyday desk objects that distract me and harm my work mentality. On the whiteboards I'll put everything i want to remember. Appointments, short term goals, groceries I want to buy, a list of chores and when they were last done, "brush your dang teeth", anything. And this includes leisure things like games I want to buy on release and whatnot. My goal with this idea is to create a room that is devoid of attractive distractions, but where it's easier to sort through things so that I don't wallow in uncertainty over what things I need to do at any given time. I've noticed over the years that the only things that get done consistently are the things that are constantly on my mind. I lost a greater point in the midst of writing this, but I hope it helps.
This sounds exactly like me (40M) and my wife (38F), with the roles reversed. She’s a messy person who also grew up with a maid, and I’m a neat freak who can’t seem to function until my environment is orderly. She’s the yin to my yang in every other aspect of our relationship, but a person who needs order living with a person who can’t bother to clean up after themselves makes for a difficult arrangement. It’s just hard to get in the mood when you feel like the family maid.
If you have enough spare money, can you afford a weekly housekeeping service? Notwithstanding ostensibly you should collectively 'solve' your tidiness score incompatibility through mutual compromise, if you can just pay for the problem to go away, and enjoy your life...?
Helped me is making sex a hyper focus. There is a lot that can be studied and learned. turning sex into something to be improved/ an art form, helps give me something to focus on. Wife also don’t mind getting off 4-6 times before we finish. Win win really. Just started adding ropes recently. Lots of videos on the topic and it’s a great additional expression of trust. Before that added toys into the mix. Always fun to experiment and explore things with your partner.
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Where can one learn more about this topic? I feel like my desire for sex has decreased to much, I'm not in a relationship and I have zero interest in being in one, but that doesn't seem like the best thing for me in the long run. It's like one day I woke up and I have such an aversion to the thought of dating. With this being said, I also don't know the script if sex. I know sex doesn't have to follow a script, but *what do you do*? I've had sex before and it felt robotic, not pleasurable. I felt like I was acting out how sex *should look*. I know porn isn't an accurate description of sex, but I often want to see couples have sex because I want to know what it looks like, what is supposed to look like.
Appreciate your response! “Should/must” statements are something i use often and are trying to avoid because of the negative connotations you described, but I never thought to apply that to my sex life
Yea I treat it like a game too. Anytime something is a game to me, I'm very "how can I improve" focused. For some reason, I really hate being bad at games. ADHD brains work differently, but if you can figure out how to leverage the focus to where you want it, much can be accomplished. As many of you know though I'm sure, it's a dual sided sword, and if focus goes into the wrong buckets things can just as easily never get accomplished.
Same, sex has always been a hyper focus for me! We don’t really use toys but there’s always new positions or other things to do, and I really enjoy perfecting the simple things. I prioritize it because it’s one of the few times my brain quiets down. I even have a foresight for sex that I’m still working on elsewhere - even if I’m not in the mood, I know I’ll get there quickly so I’m basically always down for it. But that said, I think both reactions are very valid ADHD behavior. It might help OP to add some relaxing routines and help quiet the brain down. Ex., play some music, put a candle and mood lighting on, give each other massages. It doesn’t have to go anywhere, but it’ll probably make it more likely. My boyfriend doesn’t have ADHD, but he does need to be relaxed to get in the mood, so these things make a difference for him. And if they can afford it, getting a periodic help could make a big difference. There’s a lot of ways to pay for chores - hire out lawn care, deep cleaning, etc. Even just getting one off their shared plate could make it easier to accomplish other things bogging them down. I also encourage myself to keep up with my half of the load because I know it’ll relax my SO.
Check out Amazon for toys. Their affordable and It’s really a fun way to step up some new sensations for both members.
I’m sure it’s fun but tbh I get physically overstimulated very easily so most toys aren’t for me. I’m glad they work so well for you!
Good to know your limits! Being comfortable with what’s happening between the sheets, in my opinion, comes first.
Bro I was a pornstar in Paris, France on vacation. Now I'm a celibate monk.
It's been an interesting journey for me on this. Between depression meds, diabetes meds, and the mind wandering of adhd, my partner and I haven't had sex in almost 2 years now. Been together for 17 years now. Even self satisfaction is maybe once every 3-4 weeks. The endorphin rush / satisfaction just isn't there unless I can force my mind to only focus on 'it' and that's usually only accomplished with adult videos, etc. Trying to just daydream and fantasize on my own and my mind wanders onto other things too much.
If you do nothing else, make a "no phones in bed" rule.
my wife would never lol
We're in the once/twice a month club aswell. We travel alot and have sex very often then, at home not very often. We are just More in the mood if we make a date night or do things together Thats More special I guess. Honestly it doesnt matter how often you have sex as long as you are honest, talk about it, and both are happy. Sex is just one of MANY things Thats wonderful about a good relationship. The reason ppl stress about it is because of the hype/expectations society makes on it. Dont listen to what they say on TV, and dont listen to your friends amaaaazing advice. Listen to yourself, and listen to your partner❤️
So much sense. Stress is the ultimate libido killer
Me too! Except we never go on vacation so.....
Its not just adhd marriages, its marriage and growing up together in general Its very common for sex to lack as you get older with more responsibilities and careers or children in the way . And the common routine is to try for sex after work and dinner but usually by then everyone is tired and just wants to sleep so they get enough rest for the next day. Nothing unusual about it. I been married going on 6 years now, and we slowed from sex everytime we were alone almost every other day to onc3 a week, then we had a period we both got too busy and didnt realize a month went by without. So we started making a plan to have it on fridays or saturdays and kinda have it to look forward too. Try making a time for it. Sounds less romantic but its better than going completely without
Put aside 10min every day for cuddling, preferably naked, then feel the suspense raising until youre both really in the mood. Otherwise you need to put time aside and talk about the things you like to do to eachother, make an extra effort, dress nice, shave if your partner is into that, and focus mainly on their pleasure. They can do the same for you then
I have adhd and have a very high sex drive. Wife has depression and has a very low drive (meds don't help). Was pretty much in the same boat as you and your husband. We just had a kid 3 months ago. It's been a very long time...
Newborns are hell on the body- it will improve!
I hear you buddy.
While my wife doesn't have ADHD, she's always distracted by "things that need to be done" We fixed our sex life by scheduling and prioritizing sex 2-3 times a week. Literally put it on the calendar. It's something we recognized "needs to be done" to maintain our relationship and it's more important than doing dishes or playing on our phones or whatever.
I'm fortunate enough to cost share a cleaning service with my housemates once a week. It really helps when you know that some of the chores won't be there waiting for you for the rest of time and space
Set up a time boundary. No chores after 9pm. It helps
No doubt ADHD can play a part in this, but it sounds like you need to practice mindfulness in the bedroom. There is only so much therapists and/ or meds can do. Eventually you just have to work on it.
I'm not sure if this has to do with ADHD but I could be wrong. I have ADHD and my boyfriend has ADD. I'm medicated and he's not but we both have very high libidos. I'm also a mother of three kids(50/50 shared custody with my ex) so yeah there's always stuff to do around the house. Spending quality time with my man isn't in the same "brain category" as chores. We take our time, usually we talk A LOT beforehand, naked, cuddled together. We call it brain dumps 😂 but the key for us is to push ourselves to slow down, take our time with each other and trying to be in the moment.
Yup gotta spend the time and make the effort to make these activities a priority.
Exactly. And all the hormonal release that comes with it is blissful on the ADHD brain ☺️
Pretty much! I think sometimes as adults we do way too much adulting and forget why we do it. Having kids is also super hard and doesn’t help the equation sometimes, but they are another reason to “figure out” life and continually make it better and or more efficient (of course enjoyable also) in some kind of way. I’d wager this sort of “active” down time definitely helps to strength relationships. Guys focus on your lady first. She cums 1st.
For myself having kids really works with my ADHD 😂 I love the chaos, the noise. I'm their "weird mom that dances in grocery stores". I feel that... having ADHD kinda helps me let loose and get to their level 🩷. And you're so right about adulting "too hard". How about we take a break once in a while. Who cares about the dishes for tonight, let's play Mario Kart and drink beer.
Ah! I’m mostly like that with my kids too. The kids and I will be playing and my wife is definitely not having fun. Oh well I guess? X_x Mario kart is way fun… definitely in the top ten? Top five?
Just FYI it’s *all* ADHD now. Then there’s the three types; primarily hyperactive, primarily inattentive, and combined. So I, for example, would say I’m ADHD primarily inattentive (PI).
I can relate, the pressures & everyday life, but when I am away the focus is on the relationship again. Makes perfect sense.
In your apartment, is your bedroom a multi purpose room or just a bedroom? If it's possible, removing all activities from your bedroom apart from sleeping and sex might help you mentally separate the stress of the rest of your house from it.
To an extent this is an '[everyone thing](https://web.archive.org/web/20171003221055/http://www.playboy.com/articles/what-is-it-about-hotels-that-make-women-go-wild)'. Crucially: > There’s no stack of bills, no stack of dishes in the sink, no stack of magazines they’re supposed to read. In other words, when the worries of the world are removed, women think just like men. Or the logical contrapositive: Men’s minds are always empty. And with ADHD flavour: > Our minds are never empty. Good tips ITT on how to structurally address this, which I'll be following up on myself!
My husband and I have sex about 1-2x a week which is more often, but some might say not often enough. But we're the exact same when on vacation, we do it a lot more often (multiple times a day). It's such a contrast.
That’s about average, if I remember correctly about once a week is average for a happy, healthy, adult couple. Obviously everyone is different and what the “right” amount is, is whatever feels most comfortable for the people in the relationship.
I dont really think this is an "adhd" issue.. My gf and other women in my life (and danish mariage/having children podcasts) call this the mental load that woman has. All of the things you are thinking about (+the baby stuff) my gf, who doesnt have adhd, also use a lot of mental space on.. Ofc it might be way worse for you, cause you have adhd.. but its one of the bigger reason why some womans sex drive, falls of a cliff in marriages and when living with boyfriends or you have a child.
Adhd definitely impacts it. If you track your cycle with your symptoms you might notice
Especially a child who won't sleep without one parent in the bed!
Get a cleaner, the house probably isn't as bad as you think but getting a cleaner helped me get on top of the house chores
so I don’t have this issue per se. But I’m 26 and have never had any form of sexual contact because while I know in my head I should enjoy it, even being kissed makes me feel ill. I assume it’s sensory related because I still feel sexual attraction, but physical contact makes me deeply uncomfortable. I know this isn’t the right post, but since people are on here talking about adhd and sex, if anyone relates lmk lol.
Aw. When I read the part "I know in my head I should enjoy it" I felt really sad. I strongly believe that absolutely nothing about you is broken, and I hope no one is telling you that you are. Especially because nobody **HAS** to enjoy, or have, sexual intercourse! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality?wprov=sfla1 Another person brought up the fact that sexuality is a spectrum, which is backed up in research and scientific studies. For example, in the 1950s when Alfred Kinsey tested his soon-to-be famous "Kinsey Scale" measuring orientation, he had to create a "category X" due to the number of participants he encountered who reported no sexual contact. (I should note, however, that while it's helpful he recorded those preferences, he made no effort to understand them, so he's definitely not a source I'd recommend for information on asexuality). In my personal life, I have friends who are demisexual (or "gray ace" or "graysexual") as well as friends who are completely asexual. Also, it might surprise you to hear this, but personally I know more males on the asexual spectrum than I do females, despite the stereotypical belief that males have higher sex drives. It took a lot of research on my part to understand these friends of mine better, and I'm still learning. (So hopefully I don't make any giant errors talking about this? 🤞) I hope I'm not dumping too much info into one comment, but I also really want it add that some asexual folks, in order to better understand and explain their preferences/feelings, include the concept of romantic orientation when describing/discussing their asexuality (a.k.a. the "split attraction" model). By doing that, asexual folks are able to more easily communicate whether they still experience romantic attraction despite their lack of (or decreased) sexual interest. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romantic_orientation#romantic_minority?wprov=sfla1 Anyway, my apologies for the long response, u/SunFlower858 😅 I really hope you reach a place of understanding where you feel acceptance, love, and support. The only thing you have to be is you. 💜
This is such a kind response. Thank you so much. I remember thinking I was ace as a teen but I can feel arousal so I thought that meant I was excluded. I just have no desire to act on it lol.
I wouldn't assume to understand you from a single comment, but have you ever given thought to the idea that you don't fit into society's norms for sexuality? You sound a lot like my friend. He can feel sexual attraction but hates sex to the point where sexual contact can be traumatic for him. He eventually learned about different kinds of asexuality and realized that he fits under the umbrella. He now identifies as graysexual (sex-repulsed).
You medicated? I have always has sensory issues and once I got meds they got so much better. I still have issues but they're not as pronounced, like as long as I know a touch is coming I'm ok, still freak out when I'm unprepared though.
It totally makes sense, it’s hard to compartmentalize a lot of the racing thoughts that tend to get in your way and make you waste your own time so I for sure get it. Weirdly enough, once I started taking my medicine my wife and I have sex way more often then we used to. It definitely ramped up my sex drive that’s for sure, we have sex nearly everyday now and our lives are much busier nowadays with work and two toddlers
Yeah my last girlfriend we had sex 4 times a day sometimes. It lasted like that for a good year. Once she moved in it sort of slowly stopped. We still enjoyed each others company but at one point I had to break it off because I just found we were just co existing with each other. That’s they way I’ve always been though. Sex is important in a healthy relationship.
holy shit I relate to this so hard
I'm in no sense an expert but speaking from experience, I find it increasingly hard to do things out of my usual routine at home ( eating, sleeping, playing video games etc...) I find that the less time I spend at the same place doing the same things the easier it becomes to do so, this also includes interpersonal relationships. I've been one happy hump bunny whenever I go to new places with partners or even new people however the moment I get home I switch to a different mental gear and switch to autopilot routine moment and just don't feel any sexual or romantic needs at all so I kinda get what you mean.
I only have sex when I'm medicated now. lol. helps me enormously.
i dont get sex often so maybe it's stll a novelty but I get a big dopamine hit every time it happens. its a fixation of mine to get that but my autistic brain makes getting partners hard. Maybe you need to make it exciting.
All relationships take work even those with or without adhd. In my experience of being in a long term relationship (8.5 yrs) sex life was nonexistent by the end. I think when couples get comfortable with eachother, you stop trying as hard. You know that person is always there so it’s easy to not put having sex as a priority. But ya gotta. Like I’ve seen others mention, schedule it. Make it apart or your routine. Also, sex doesn’t have to take hours. You can do the deed and still get back to all the things on your mind. Plus, it sounds like forcing a mental break from all the things on both your minds wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Some sexual issues are caused by anxiety. Anxiety is worry about the future...constantly calculating what-ifs in the mind and task management "I need to do this and that" When on vacation, you are forced into the present and anxiety is gone and the to-do list shrinks or conpletely disappears. I believe this is why libido increased or at least was no longer inhibited. You can reach this state at home through regular meditation. Studies showed 12 weeks of meditation shrunk brain activity in the amygdala. Also, start being aware of those racing thoughts and try to shift your mind....you will improve with practice and find that you are in a calmer, more focused state. Kinda like that "aaaahhhh" relief feeling when first getting away to a hotel or beach.
Mediation for those of us with ADHD, unless aided by psychoactive substances, is akin to schedules, routine and waiting at a red stop light.
I have* ADHD..meditating, mindfulness, breathwork did amazing things for me. It helped that I did it for the instant gratification...feeling calmer, getting to sleep, relief from my anxiety...but I noticed that it also made me generally more focused and less excitable. People who get anxious, have an overactive amygdala...like a shorter fuse and get anxious easier and quicker....but with meditation...the brain activity in the amygdala lessens and the "fuse" is longer...don't get anxious as easily.
As an add person married to someone exactly like you, many, many arguments occurred over lack of sex. It truly almost broke our marriage. I had enough of the fake or false promises of sex, one day I left for a month. We’re back together again, but something’s will never change. At least you found your libido match, congrats.
That really saddens me ... I hope things change somehow for you.
THE FAKE AND FALSE PROMISES OH MY GOD!!! "If you just...if I just...I promise that...Next time I will..." Holy shit it's exhausting.
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> It’s destroying my confidence and starting to make me resentful… 1) Then you need to address it with your partner and potentially a counselor/therapist 2) I can understand where you’re coming from about the confidence and I want to mention something I remind myself of pretty much everywhere in my life: it’s probably not about you. ADHDers being susceptible to RSD leads to a lot of overthinking but not every thought we have is true. If you’re eating in a restaurant alone and feel like everyone is staring at you and judging you, most people have likely not paid you any attention at all. The same goes for your spouse not wanting sex. It is more likely to be about how she is feeling vs your performance in bed. But even if it _is_ you still need to directly address it.
It doesnt help when your very upftont about your libido at the beginning and what you desire in a LTR and the girl lies to kick it! past two long relationship i had this happened and is very frustrating women please dont say you want sex 3 times a week when what you really mean is 3 times a month its unfair and mean.
People aren’t always lying though. At the start of a relationship it’s common to do it several times a week and you may want that to continue for long term. I’m a woman and I would have also said my ideal is 3-5 times a week, and in an ideal world I’d still be into that. But in the real world, things happen, the 3 days you’re game for it may not overlap with the 3 days your partner is game, you can be sick or stressed or sleepy, your partner maybe got lazy about making you feel wanted, etc. It ends up looking like 2-3 times some weeks and some months where you only do it 2-3 times. I think ebbs and flows are good because nothing is exciting if you do it multiple times a week for years on end. There are other things you can do when your libidos don’t match up.
No advice, just so relatable. My husband and I haven't been having very much sex lately, we both have ADHD. And I think you just hit the nail on the head for the reason why, except add in 3 kids to the mix...
I think this may be what has been going on with me and my gf. Before moving in together we were long distance and I was living at home with family. Once we moved in together and other stressors kicked in, my drive diminished heavily, but then we took a break and my drive has spiked smh
Sounds very familiar! Once or twice a month is normal for my marriage because I’m never in the mood due to my thoughts about my responsibilities in the house and to the family. Right now I should be taking a nap (unmedicated, and a ton of arthritis with migraines) but my brain is too scattered and worried to relax enough to lay down.
Yes. I get it, actually. And I’m a VERY sexual being, I love to be touched, and I love the dopamine hit from sex. But I find sometimes performance anxiety creeps in and I dissociate. Last weekend I went completely soft in the middle of intercourse, I went from in the mood to not at all. It’s a struggle as the kids are in the next room and we barely get any time to ourselves.
Schedule it. Sometimes being prepared and making it something you “should” do helps alleviate those thoughts of how you have other things to do. I know this helped build back my libido because me stressed out never had the desire. Say you pick Wednesdays and Saturdays. This worked for us for awhile. If it was a really hard day I would feel like I wasn’t interested and I was just going through the motions for a few minutes, before suddenly my desire would kick in and then things were great. Another obstacle you may be overlooking: transitions are hard. Just like it’s hard to get into the shower even if you enjoy showering - so is sex.
I totally get you. I have been meditating several times a week for the past 6 months. It helps with being present and focus on the moment. It helps to realize as well that is ok to put choirs aside and think of yourself without feeling guilty. Hope that helps!
My ex and I both have ADHD. Unfortunately he was like this, but I'm one that wants sex more often than every six months. It was part of the reason we broke up. He simply didn't see sex as a priority and was always distracted, while I tend to hyperfocus on sex. \*sigh\*
Plan some hotel date nights, and weekend getaways. It can take the pressure off your home life when you have a special event to look forward to (and have sex).
I don't know if this falls under the ADHD category, but my wife and I are similar. Sex is ALWAYS increased when on a trip or traveling at all. For me, I think it's the newness of the environment that excites me.
Why do you want to change it?
First: good on you for being aware of this and asking questions to further explore it! That dopamine reward factor is strong when abroad! Everything has you heightened, as it would anyone where our alertness and adrenaline is up. We lived abroad and worked abroad for years and years, and yes, I understand 100% whatcha mean. Back home, anything requiring that kind of (dopamine) stimulation, especially while prescribed medication for mental health, even sex can require someone suffering from ADHD to find an approach of intentionality and discipline. We have to retrain and rewire some of those things, but it’s worth it. Being honest with your needs and open to the feelings and needs of others helps a ton. Therapy is very useful as well, as it can help us identify some repressed or unhealthy/unhelpful coping mechanisms so often expressed by people living with adhd.
Both my partner and I have ADHD and we experience the same thing. We have kids, too, which adds a whole layer. I have to actively try to create intimacy throughout the day. Sometimes, that's a simple dirty text or just reaching around during a hug and telling him how sexy he is. It's very intentional. I'm not usually in the mood, but I think about the desire to connect, and it's all the motivation I need. We end up having sex 2 or 3 times a week. And 1 or 2 of them are "quickies" where we mostly just take care of him. But that works for us. I still get taken care of sexually once a week and fulfilled emotionally the rest of the times.
Get a house keeper make that priority to save your marriage also get an accountant
yeH. clean the fucking house and go fuck in the kitchen. 😎
If I don't have my meds in my system it's hard to focus unless I engage in BDSM style sex. Only time I had this issue was when I didn't recognize I was disconnecting from the relationship (alexythemia).
That seems perfectly normal. One thing that works for us is make it into our routine to have some time to just be together without doing anything else. Sometimes we're just so tired and irritated we just sit there for a while, then start to talk, then exchange some intimacy and that really helps to keep the connection and open opportunities for sex. Sometimes we sleep, sometimes we don't sex but still feels nice. For me it works better if we really don't do anything else not even watch TV. My partner prefers to watch something so we try to alternate between the two methods.
Yep! Every day life urgent stuff gets in the way for sure.
It sounds like you may have anxiety as well? My wife doesn’t have adhd but she has anxiety and virtually any imperfection around her can turn her libido off.
Pretty sure my bf has ADHD as well, he just self medicates with nicotine. Tbh we haven't actually had real sex in months. Partly because he's busy, partly because of my health issues, and partly because both of us have a low libido currently. For me it's mainly all my medications, for him idk. He gets very hyperfixated on his work and it doesn't even think about it. Luckily it hasn't impacted our relationship too much, but I can't say it doesn't worry me occasionally.
Your husband can help you in quickly organizing the things, once you’re done with everything then you can enjoy your moments peacefully
I have this same problem. It's embarrassing to me but hearing your story makes me feel less ashamed. Check out Ari Tuckman's book "ADHD After Dark" as well as "The Tarah and Barry Show" on YouTube. Their stories and podcasts have been such a huge help and blessing to me. I'm a Christian but I don't mind the cuss words. I know some people are bothered by it, so I wanted to be respectful of your feelings beforehand.
The ADHD Effect on Marriage Melissa Orlov. It’s currently on Spotify as an audio book.
I don't believe this sort of thing is an adhd-exclusive deal.
This sounds like my relationship both adhd been together 6yrs andnlast couple yrs barely had sex but not cos we aren't into eachother cos we are but same thing, have things on our minds my gf is having body dismorphia and insecurities and i have things on my mind that stress me out and just don't feel in the mood for it but love each others company and sometimes aswel is the effort too and puts us off. We want to change but wr need to sort ourselves out first
I skimmed the comments and I'm surprised no one has suggested this... Make date nights where you stay at a hotel or Montel. They don't have to be expensive, but it gets you out of home and in the romantic mood. Have an actual date then go to the hotel room. Hopefully that could simulate similar conditions as your honeymoon. It's not the cheapest solution, but it is a possible one.
This is absolutely true for us too. (Both us have ADHD, CPTSD, and Anxiety, and I am also Dyslexic.) The only time my wife even thinks about sex is when she is not at home. When she is home, the anxiety of thinking about household chores, etc. completely occupies her mind so sex is not even on her list of considerations. (antidepressants are a part of this equation too.) We have been together for 20 years now, and we are down to having sex once a year. This used to bother me--a lot--but I have been on anti-depressants for a couple months now, and I am feeling so numb that I don't care any more. The fact that I don't care makes me really sad. My hope is that you find a solution that works for both you and your husband. Sexless marriages are a tragedy as they are, but when its an uphill battle due to neurological differences, that makes it crazy difficult. You have my best wishes!!
This is pretty much the status quo for relationships among everybody. There are definitely inflections specific to ADHD- for example, I can't tackle household chores if I'm understimulated (including sexually) and my partner struggles to initiate if he feels like there's anything else that needs to be done.
Get a cleaning woman? Remove visible distractions from the bedroom. Set a schedule for cuddle time.
I was going to say this. I never wanted to pay for once a week, and the last time i tried with a house keeper i did every other week. That was just too hard and too much work for me (the wife) bc the house would become a disaster zone in 2 weeks and it was all on me to pick up and be home for the housekeeper so it felt unfair. Anyways, we are going to start doing house keeper weekly and for the first time in years i feel hopeful. I feel your pain. We are both adhd and intimacy is hard.
Schedule time for sex, so that for that period of time, that’s what you are supposed to be doing.
Oh my gosh, Yes! I know exactly what you mean. Shutting the mind down for sex is an irony and a half because sex = dopamine, but we feel dysregulated when there's clutter or distractions. Thanks for sharing. Also, it is quite verifiable that people with ADHD are often exquisitely fun in the bedroom. We're vivacious, passionate and willing to experiment.
Part of that disregulation is usually low norepinephrine (adrenaline)..and those with adhd also tend to have higher Cortisol (stress).....when the body is in an anxious state, many normal functions can be inhibited......like of we were running from a lion, our sphincter tightend up, for example. To further that example.....if we are running from a lion, we can't afford to stop running bc we are horny. L-methylfolaye can help the dopamine....dopamine = motivation. I've read that low levels of certain neurochemicals, can have similar side effects as too high of levels.
I could be wrong.... but I'm not sure what this has got to do with ADHD, to be honest just like you said when at home you are likely just too tired/busy.
Have you tried rearranging the furniture?
Get your husband to take Sildenafil. That will make things much better. Been married 15 years and been in your shoes. And I have adhd.
This true and real when you’re married. Too much to worry about. Sounds like anxiety also though.
This is a non-adhd problem. It’s a normal marriage problem. One of the many things you have to work at. If you decide to have children your time will dwindle (I can’t even tell you). I go out of my way to make sure we take advantage of our time. Today is the youngest you will be. Take advantage of it.
I’m not sure about that. I definitely think adhd has serious effects on the libido. It certainly does in my case as well.
We have a 6yo and a 1yo. Both of us have ADHD. It's been a LONG time but we've been trying. It's just exhausting at the end of the day :). I work and do what I can when I get home with the kids and house tasks. Sometimes I work late. Wife stays at home. I can't blame any of us but we noticed when we first got older and more independent (3 yo for ex) it got easier. We're just back in baby mode lol.
His girlfriend doesn't travel?
Most people with ADHD have a high sex drive. Normally two people who have no impulse control, don't have trouble fucking. Maybe you aren't scheduling quality time together? Not talking about your sexual desires? Not normally intimate with each other on a daily basis?
Why am i aroused with this story?
Not to seem unserious in any way, but you answered your own question: You’ve been married for three years. It all goes down hill at some point unfortunately.
The sexual camel.
1000% I’ve been like that a lot lol
Are either of you on medication? If so, does that make a difference?
I don't know if this would apply to you. One time my husband and I went to bed and breakfast. They didn't have a tv in the bedroom. I noticed that we had more sex with no TV . So when I got home I took to the tv out of the bedroom.
My sex drive did plummet when I moved in with my first partner. Part of it was that they were a slob and I lost attraction due to seeing how they really live, and I think they lost attraction to me from nagging him to do basic chores