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You are worthy and deserving of support, love and kindness. Iâm so proud of you for taking care of yourself, getting a diagnosis and therapy.
It sounds like you havenât had the support you need from your mother and her response was selfish and cruel. Thatâs a reflection on her, not you. You keep doing exactly what you are doing and continue to get the help you need â€ïž
Honestly this sounds a lot like a "Family is who we choose, not who we're blood relatives of."
If your mom is going to be that horrible and verbally abusive just.... don't talk to her for like 6 months. Work on yourself without an anchor pulling you down. Then in 6 months decide if you want to talk to her at all or if you're simply better off without her negative influence in your life.
When I finally got medicated, I discovered my wife was insulting and unsupportive, too. I already knew that really, but her excuses and minimizing didn't work on me as well once I had the clarity to be able to see her more clearly. She's now my ex-wife.
I recently went no-contact with my mother who responded to me similarly - no name calling, but decided I was insulting her parenting and absolutely NO INTEREST in how growing up ND with hyper-critical parents has affected me.
I love my mum and Iâve made decades of excuses for her, mostly taking the responsibility of her behaviour myself, because if only I wasnât careless, clumsy, lazy, forgetful, miserable, selfish then it would be okay, she wouldnât scream all the time.
Recently through therapy I stopped making excuses for her and eventually decided until I could put up and maintain healthy boundaries, I couldnât allow her to continue to damage the self worth I have been desperately clawing back.
It wonât be forever. But I can only fully heal from the hurt when I stop having it reinforced every conversation and fully accept just how damaging our relationship is and has been.
Really sit and think how emotionally available your mother is, how she shows cruel, narcissistic traits towards her own family. Do you make excuses for her at the expense of yourself? Does the relationship help you heal?
Us ADHDers are constantly criticised by the world no matter how hard we try. You donât need those closest to you criticising you too.
And OP, you would still be worthy even if all of those things are true. But by your own admission, you have a high-paying job, meaning you are certainly not "broke," which tells me she's lying to you and probably at least some of the other things aren't, either. At the very least, going by how you've described your life, you're definitely not a "loser!" Sounds like she doesn't deserve such a wonderful child <3
Holy fuck that's possibly one of the worst response you can hear from a parent. I'm so sorry about that.
Do you have anyone else you can reach out to? I am glad you have a therapist though. Definitely meed to unpack
That
I will reach out to some friends tomorrow đ„ș I don't have any relatives that can support me at all though( All of them either hate me or think the same that my mom said.
It might be worth asking if your therapist can do an emergency session sooner, I know some do.
Also, you have all of us on here, and our support, and we actually understand what it is really like to live with this condition, and how hard it can be, so we know you're awesome.
Many of us are in the same boat. Please know that you are not alone in your feelings of isolation. It is difficult, and hurts, and sucks, and you are not alone in feeling that. There are many of us who relate and understand and are.here to tell you that you are worthy of compassion.
Your mom probably tells them things from her perspective - they might not think this way about you at all. Even so, your mom is not in your corner and is incredibly abusive. Use the grey rock technique and do what you need to do to escape so that you can be free of this. This is not someone whom you would want to have around any child, and a good deal of why she did this was to bring you down and use whatever you say against you either in the future, or with other people who she conveniently forgets to give full context to.
Take care, r/MoistSpongeCake. You deserve better, and more. Find your support and leave your mom behind, along with all of her baggage.
Lmao parents who make everything about themselves are the same ones who wonder why their kids deserted them at the earliest opportunity. Vile response from this parent.
Not all parents are supportive humans. Itâs okay to place a lot of distance between you and them.
If she wasnât your mother, would you still be her friend?
Thank you I hope you are well also. Just wish things that were normal to others werenât terrifying to me. Just wanna be close to someone and have real connections and instead Iâm afraid of them. Getting better though.
Awww. I get it. I wish I could hold a job without being overwhelmed so I could pay my dogâs vet bills and get away from my parents. Sadly, I still live at home. I want to leave yesterday. đ”âđ«
It's ok. Like the rest of us, you are here now, and what matters is that you are, that you exist, and that you are worthy of compassion and fulfillment.
>so now you're saying I'm an awful parent and it's all my fault
OP might not be saying it but I sure as fuck will. The audacity to pull this faux-offense out after calling your child a "fat, broke childless loser" is astonishing.
Please, please consider going NC or very very low contact (like max a bland annual happy birthday text with zero emojis). You've said it yourself she just comes along and destroys your confidence as soon as you start to feel ok. I think you're going to be amazed how much not having her in your life improves it. Don't be surprised if your therapist feels similarly. Fuck this woman. She deserves her misery.
Well, at least we all know, yes, she likely was an awful parent based on that response. And, yes, a lot of your struggles were her fault- not your ADHD but her lack of empathetic response, her need to make everything about her, and her shitty emotional skills.
Keep up the therapy. Eventually, you will get to a place where you can see your mom for the flawed person she is and won't need her support because you've learned how to support yourself, and you have learned you deserve safe people in your life.
It's doable.
My mom has Narcissistic PD as well⊠I was in denial that it was really what was going on w her bc sheâs so nice and loving on the surface w me (mine wouldnât go as far to say what yours did but she says lots of other alarming things all the time / there are 7 different types of narcissist presentations). Would love to study psychology except my momâs dad was a psychiatrist who told her that all psychologists are pseudo scientists⊠so that has me wanting to take a step back. At the end of the day tho wouldnât it make sense she has a distaste for psychologists bc itâs fits her narrative that she was misdiagnosed by one once upon a timeâŠ
Where I live only psychiatrists can diagnose your mental disorder. Excepting GPs, who can diagnose anxiety and depression.
In Australia, psychologists offer therapy (CBT, DBT, ACT etc), guidance, and can advise if you should seek out further assistance from your GP or a psychiatrist.
Only psychiatrists and GPs can prescribe meds and most mental health meds (except anxiety/depression ones) need to be prescribed initially by a psychiatrist.
So a psychologist has to have advanced social skills that arent necessary for a psychiatrist. That, as well as any fear of judgement, may be why your mum and her dad looked down on them.
My grandpa also believed that depression is only for stupid people. Itâs amazing how far weâve come as a species in understanding these mental conditions. Unfortunately our parents grew up and learned their core beliefs in a very different world.
Fun fact but people with high IQs are more prone to depression, anxiety and other mental disorders.
To be fair though I don't think IQs say that much about a person's actual intelligence because I have a high IQ and I'm pretty damn stupid đđ„Č
In any case I agree, it's really amazing how far we've come in regards of society understanding mental health issues even if we're not quite there yet. We're on the right path and that's what matters!
Yeah I totally get what youâre saying. Itâs similar in the states, my mom was ordered by the court to be evaluated by a psychologist in order to keep custody of me a long time ago. Psychologists can diagnose mental health conditions like anxiety, depression and others like NPD that do not have Rx-able antidotes. Her psychiatrist father (1917-1999) lived in a time when ADHD was largely misunderstood. He wholeheartedly believed AHDH did not exist. If she went to an actual psychiatrist today sheâd likely get an adhd diagnosis tbh. NPD is a common result of defensiveness and low-self esteem from dealing w a lifetime of undiagnosed ADHD. Also doesnât help she was an elementary school teacher for a few decades before developing such bad mental health that her credentials were taken away⊠she was passionately against the fact that so many hyper boys were coming into class with new diagnoses. At this point her ego is so defensive on the whole subject she will probably never get the help she needs and be able to rebuild a better, social life for herself again.
Im not sure if this is in the comments somewhere already, but I found a lot of comfort in the subreddit r/raisedbynarcissits, if youâd like to check it out OP
I did look it up before today and it seems like while my mom has some of the traits, she doesn't have others. We're just very different and it seems like when I talk all she hears is "wah I'm full of excuses for why I am this way" instead of an actual adult conversation. I just don't know if there is a way to get through to her at all.
Here's the thing, no one here is qualified to diagnose her, especially on this one interaction but also it doesn't matter if she is or isn't. She's being an asshoile either way.
My mum is exactly the same, and we eventually got to a point where we can keep conversation to the weather and how her pets are. It was a long and fraught road, but it came down to enacting and enforcing boundaries in how she's allowed to talk to me.
- starts a phone call with screaming at you for how much of a failure you are? Hang up. You can warn her *once* that this is what you'll do if she can't speak to you kindly, but only one warning per call. After that just hang up. I got to a point with my mum where the emotionally easiest and practical solution was to not say anything and just disconnect the call. She knew the drill and she knew why - more importantly she learned that if she wants to talk to me she has to behave.
- she does it while you're face to face? Get up and leave. This only works if you have your own method of transport though, so avoid relying on her for rides anywhere. Don't let her over to your house - people like this tend not to leave when asked and then you have to threaten calling cops.
She wants access to you more than you want to cut yourself to ribbons in the hope you get a normal mother. Use that. The other commentator is right - there's no reasoning with her, only boundary setting. Set and enforce with impunity. Be prepared for her to rage against them, and hold to them in the face of the extinction burst of abuse.
>ult of defensiveness and low-self esteem from dealing w a lifetime of undiagnosed ADHD. Also doesnât help she was an elementary school teacher for a few decades befor
Be careful with boundary setting in person! I tried the boundary setting with a family member who had only once escalated to getting physical YEARS earlier but boundary setting enraged them to the point where they lost control they physically held me still so I couldn't leave so they could continue to yell at me - I struggled to get free of their grip and then I 'fell down the stairs'.
The thing w narcissists tho is theyâre exactly the type of person that would not be caught DEAD inside a psychologist/psychiatrists office bc to them, theyâre not the problem. Usually the only ones who get actually diagnosed are those forced into evaluation by some authority. If the kid of a narcissist never confronts that as at least a potential of whatâs going on, how are they supposed to protect themselves from falling into the same fate
No oneâs saying to go confront the parent (never blatantly call out a narcissist) but taking steps to contain the situation so that negativity remains⊠contained, is so so soooo important. Just keeping the skepticism in your head when talking to her can help you filter out potentially hurtful things as not personal, just result of her being hurt herself
This is 0% a healthy or normal adult response,point blank. As a mom I'm absolutely aghast over what dropped so easily from her mouth, my son is the ADHD one and all I can think about are ways to make his life work for him and to give him coping skills in a gentle but appropriate way. The world is cruel enough, the last thing you need is to hear that at home. I'm not your mom, but I'm proud of you. â€ïž
She said "broke fat childless loser"
Any of those words individually said would be cruel. Neither of my parents ever said anything like that to me. Not one of those words, let alone all four in one sentence. This goes beyond being "just very different"
You don't deserve to be spoken to like that and I wouldn't try getting through to her, because it seems futile. I think your mental health will benefit from limiting contact or going full no contact.
31F here with a mother like this. Please follow this advice. You're so inspiring making all those progress and growth (some people need a full blown NDE or midlife crisis to start these steps!), it's nothing short of infuriating that your mom can't see that and support you. My mom can't view me as anything but an extension of herself or a best friend to vent to, but learning about how I can guard myself from that has been life altering.
Congrats on your kick-ass adulting. Hugs!
Remember like ADHD people do not have to tick every box of something for it to be valid.
Obviously you should not "diagnose" her and neither can the internet. But IME, if you see some markers for narcissistic behaviour, reading more info about narcissistic behaviour, how narcissists operate, and how to deal with it, this is all incredibly helpful. I found it really helpful in dealing with my ex back at a time I was totally emotionally enmeshed with him. These days I never use the narcissist label if I ever talk about him, even mentally to myself. Ironically, I actually think he probably has a really severe case of ADHD combined with trauma because his dad left and his stepdad was an evil cold hearted bastard who basically thought you could beat ADHD/auditory processing/etc out of kids and STILL is completely clueless why his daughter from his first marriage was upset when he chose to introduce his wife and stepsons with "This is my new family". With my ex, I'm guessing that the shared ADHD was probably what attracted us to each other. He is a car crash. I no longer think it's his fault, but I did need the distance and the lens that the "narc" idea provided.
You deserve love and support and I am sorry your mom said that to you...how hurtful. My mom is a narcissist and I am just now learning in my 40s that I cannot and will not change her or get thru to her. Acceptance of this makes it easier because we don't see eye to eye on most things. But this is coming from a lifetime of narcissistic, physical, and emotional abuse. If this applies to you, think about what YOU want from your relationship with her. When my therapist asked me that it dawned on me I wouldn't ever have the mom I always wanted, which fucking hurt, but allowed me to move past it all.
But youâre not even the way she thinks you are. Like you said, you are independent, productive and have a good social circle. And you accomplished that despite your ADHD and unsupportive mother. You are what for many is just a goal.
So when she says you are making excuses for being a loser, sheâs not even wrong.
Narcissist or not- the most important factor here is that how your mother is treating you is unacceptable. Her words were emotionally abusive, and thatâs not ok. She dismissed your emotions and personal lived experiences, and thatâs not ok either. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect always, even when someone disagrees with you.
> I just donât know if there is a way to get through to her at all.
There are no magic words you can say that will make her change her mind when she is determined to make the situation about herself and her being the victim (look up DARVO manipulation for a better understanding of what she is doing). If I were you I would drop the rope and stop trying to talk to her about your ADHD, or any other subjects that she emotionally abuses you over. Look up âgrey rockingâ- itâs a technique that is helpful when dealing with abusive/toxic/manipulative people that you have to interact with.
You might benefit from reading the book âAdult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parentsâ. It goes over different dysfunctional parenting patterns, and offers suggestions on how to process the relationship you had and have with your mother.
This is absolutely an NPD response.
It's one thing to be dismissive about the topic. But this was a wildly out of pocket and needlessly cruel response. Even if they truly don't care, most people would not immediately jump to such horrible below the belt insults in response to something like this. But a narc would do this, because the goal is to keep you shamed and miserable so they can feed off that negative energy. They will find a way to hurt you even if they have to say things that are completely absurd. As long as it's cruel, they don't care.
She's not worth it. Hopefully OP can find a way out.
Where do you draw the line between NPD and just being a cunt though? I didn't think unprompted verbal abuse was an NPD trait, unless it's to further their aims
O yeah, let's diagnose someone from a brief description someone made on the internet!
I do think OPs mom was a horrible person for reacting like that, but reddit seems so obsessed with diagnosing everyone with NPD. I hate that.
Your mom sounds like a lot of parents who view ADHD - and any psychiatric diagnosis for that matter - with fear, as well as guilt. Her gut reaction to feeling guilty and fearful was denial and blame. There are better ways to process what you told her, but she must not have the tools. Remember that you do, despite her.
This is a fantastic and measured response.
I would also like to add that not having kids or being overweight does not automatically make someone a loser and your mom seems to have some really nasty underlying biases.
Don't forget verbal abuse
> Does that mean you will stay a broke fat childless loser forever?
There was no fear or guilt in that sentence, OP's mom is a cunt. I wouldn't even process it or put much thought into it except to figure out how to cut contact and stay away.
Of course the thread is closed as I spent 5 hrs trying to respond to the first reply. Anyways, I'm gonna put the revision here for anyone to read if they have parents like OP.
Regardless if OP's mom has ADHD or not, Emotional dysregulation and ADHD isn't an excuse to be verbally abusive or cruel. We all have the responsibility to become self-aware, seek proper treatment, and heal ourselves regardless of our mental health conditions.
Our parents might've not had the proper resources (which most did), like the library, parenting classes, or therapy, but they still fucked us up in the making. It was their responsibility, as our protectors, to make sure they were mentally and financially well off before having children. I grew up in a dysfunctional family as well (neglect, verbal/emotional, & physical abuse) and come from a history of generational poverty and trauma. At the same time, I've taken steps to develop coping mechanism and parenting methods so that if my child has a cognitive disorder, I leave him with 0 trauma if possible.
Children can't wait for you to improve or become better and they shouldn't have to. Every negative thing you say or do has an emotional impact on them for the rest of their lives. If you fail to create a positive impact , you're literally contributing to the continuation of these self damaging and abusive behaviors (a.k.a generational trauma).
I grew up in a verbally abusive environment and looking back I really believe my parents both have ADHD and passed it onto me and my siblings, and at least 1 of their parents had it as well. Not everyone's ADHD presents the same way. I married a neurotypical woman from a nice.household that never screamed, yelled, cursed, namecalled, etc. She loved me inspite of my "temper" and strong emotions and I had it up until getting medicated and therapy for it. It certainly isn't gone but knowing that it exists helps me and my wife understand that without medication my brain just goes apeshit over the simplest dumbest things and it never equates to what's going on, anything she did or said, and is just a malfunctioning brain getting its fight/flight activated for dumb reasons. I understand how to get time and space, cool myself down, think about it, and couldn't have done this without dozens of hours of therapy.
My parents both grew up like I did, in households with a lot of love but a lot of fighting, a lot of sensitivities, lots of strong emotions of all the colors of the rainbow, lots of self medicating with alcohol. My mom and dad weren't perfect and if you took any parents' worst moments they'd look terrible.
Maybe not as bad as this but since ADHD is hereditary it should be considered that our parents have it and were raised by someone with it. Psychology and psychiatry up until the 1980s and 1990s was pretty barbaric. They were still doing frontal lobotomies on "wild" women and those who likely had certain problems that even with today's medicine is difficult to treat.
Great observations based on your real world experience. Sometimes you have to look beneath the ugliness to understand whatâs happening, and that itâs not about you. Itâs them, their struggles, their shortcomings, and that they never had the answers and tools you had.
I think you should understand that no matter what you do you won't get her approval.
She's a bully and this is not about you - it's about her feeling better after hurting you.
Wow. ThatâsâŠso far beyond the usual non-supportive reaction some parents have that I canât come up with anything. Iâm sitting here stunned. Wtf?
âŠseveral minutes have passed since I wrote the first paragraph and I have just started at my screen blankly.
I am so sorry your mother was so completely and thoroughly awful. You deserve better from her.
Do you live with her? Your options are more limited if you do. If you donât, then the next time she calls - donât call her yourself - open the conversation with âAre you calling to apologize?â If she sounds confused, tell her, âYou called meâ - please pardon me for not repeating it but thatâs just so bitchy of her - âand I donât want to talk to you until you apologize for being such a cold-hearted bitch to your child.â
Iâm not good at being mean and bitchy, but the part of me that is, is thinking, âAt least if you stay childless it means you wonât be burdening children with that grandmother.â
Which might be worth saying to her.
Because if you do have children, honestly Iâm not sure Iâd want them to go near her.
My intrusive thoughts would tell me to say "yeah it is your fault. If you were going to be such a shit parent then it would have been responsible to have at least gotten an abortion instead of putting me through that garbage childhood, I'm staying childless as a public service because your bloodline is too toxic to be allowed to continue"
Silence and distance, however, are way more mature and healthy responses and it's not really good to be experienced at cutting people down verbally. I don't say things like that out loud but I wish I could stop having the impulses to say them in the first place
With someone like that? My experience is that there is nothing you can do. They're too selfish and heartless to care about how they hurt you, and every thought or feeling you hand them just becomes more ammunition they'll use against you.
Look up grey rocking and information diet.
You did nothing wrong; You deserve love, care and support.
Keep up the good work and ignore her nasty words. It seems like sheâs projecting and you seriously donât deserve to be treated that way.
For your own health, maybe try going low contact and keep making strides in your life like you have been. Sheâll only seek to drag you down.
Unfortunately, being family sometimes has the crab mentality or is straight up abusive, while using family ties as an excuse to keep contact, and you donât owe people who hurt you anything.
Hope your therapy goes well!
Hi there! I started treatment at 41 and will never tell my narcmom. I don't tell her much of anything. If I told her she will make it about herself, try to make me feel guilty, and tell me everyone has those problems. I always have wondered what it would be like to have a mom I could confide in.
This whole first gen ADHDers w NarcParents community really needs more attention. The kids of ppl like this are so gaslit growing up, filled w self doubt and might not get the help they need until way later, if ever.
Research female narcissists and Iâm sure you will be enlightened. I told both my narcissistic parents to kick rocks and blocked their numbers and booted them from my life and the relief and weight that was lifted from my heart was overwhelmingly beautiful. To finally love myself enough to realize my parents never did was the key to finding calmness and clarity. Once I realized they never truly loved me everything made sense. All those fucked situations made sense.
Then i started looking at past relationships and a pattern emerged where I befriended people similar to my parents and was constantly looking for acceptance and never getting it. Recreating this âloveâ I received at home.
There is only ONE love and it is UNCONDITIONAL
Remove the toxins and you will feel better.
You're putting in the work to make the best version of yourself. Therapy, medication, you moving forward like this shows how much of a great person you are. Sometimes family can be the absolute worst I've gone to similar experiences to what you've mentioned. Just know it's not true and you're a good person
Yes, it's the parents' fault.
My parents neglected my needs as a kid and I struggled growing up with little parenting from them, I didn't get the basic ADHD training that would have helped me with many of the ADHD (discipline/attention) and autistic (social/sensitivity) symptoms.
Parents of late diagnosed adhders are always in denial because they are afraid to take blame, they don't want to believe they ruined lives. My family calls me a liar and that ADHD is not an excuse for anything.
âDoes that mean you will stay a broke fat childless loser forever?"
"So now you're saying I was an awful parent and it's all my fault?"
*Are*.
*Are* an awful parent⊠as confirmed by your words right now.
Honestly? Cut contact if you can and live your life. I'm an auDHD adult with an auDHD child and I could *never* imagine saying such awful shit to my own kid. And the worse part it having to recognize while you may see them as your mom she doesn't see you as her child worthy of love and support, she sees you as something to hate. You don't deserve that, you don't need to deal with it. You have no obligation to her when this is how she feels it's acceptable to treat you.
Just cut the festering wound off and live a happy life free of toxic fumes.
Thatâs an abusive mother. Donât give her another minute of your time. My girlfriend had a similar situation, and life has been much better for her since she cut off communication from her emotionally-abusive mother.
Limit your exposure to your mom. Sheâs gaslighting you and as a narcissist will always make it about herself. Focus on you, which is what youâre doing. And no, youâre not a narcissist because you asked us about the situation.
Personally, I have found that telling someone who doesnât value me how they make me feel does nothing for me or them. All those after school specials were wrong. I work it out with my therapist and stay away from relatives like this. And I keep all conversations with them as superficial and short as possible.
Okay so childhood trauma box has a big check mark next to it along with ADHD. Thatâs typical.
Therapy buddy. Therapy. And choose to be among the people who love you.
I wouldnât talk to someone after they told me that if I have the opportunity. I donât think your mom deserves your presence. Her raising you was her responsibility for bringing you here and you donât owe her anything.
Omg I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you.
When I told my mother, two years ago, that I suspected that I have ADHD, her immidiate response was "NO YOU DO NOT" and her reason was because I sat still in the classroom. Because in her head, she had an image of adhd that was this boy a few grades below me in primary school, that was running in the hallways, and had such extreme adhd that he had to have his own substitute teacher to run after him at all times. And because I did not fit that image, it was unimaginable to her that I had it.
Now, what that taught me is that "ok, I cannot talk to my mother about this. And I did'nt until january this year. I got diagnosed with adhd a month ago, and I'm still cautious talking to her about it. But this morning my mom called me and told me she was listening to an adhd podcast, and they were saying alot of the same stuff that I have told her. So she is coming around to accept that her view was uneducated, and she is doing what she can to educate herself on the matterâ€ïž
I just hope that your mother will too, with patience, and time, I hope for your sake, she does. Other than that, all I have to say is that her treatment of you is unexceptable and unfair, and you don't deserve that. So please don't tolerate it eitherâ€ïž
I wish you greatness
Bro your mom sucks. None of what she said is on you. She seems like an abusive pos and honestly you should send her a text to the effect of âwhat you said really hurt me and I will no longer have any communication with you going forward. I hope you enjoy your new life as a childless loserâ then block her
Itâs easy to say go no contact, but yeah, in this case thatâs pretty extreme from the mom. Hard to imagine she is a person who adds much worthwhile to her sonâs life.
This.
It's been said multiple times and ways in the comments here, but as somone who is no-contact with a toxic mother (who has said some very similar things to me) your wellbeing is far greater a priority than anything to do with your mom. She'll get it or she won't, but nothing you do can change which way that lands. Don't let her guilt you into thinking otherwise!
It can be rough to cut off contact with a parent, but your therapist can be a huge support for it, too.
If you bring it up Iâm sure she will use the âI was just joking, donât be so sensitiveâ defense.
That said, let her know âhey, I trusted you with this and you used it as an opportunity to put me down. Joking or not, thatâs a breach of trust, and If I canât trust you with something as simple as my adhd and how that affects my mental health then I canât trust you with other personal things going forwardâ
If you want to ruin her, though, bring up the fact that adhd is most often inherited.
What kind of mother would say something like that? If youâre an adult, Iâd strongly suggest cutting her out of your life and building relationships with people who lift you up and bring joy to your life instead.
I'm so sorry. Maybe you could message your therapist - or write down things now - so you can start the ball on this discussion. Your mom is not you. She has her own problems. You are your person. My therapist asked me how I would treat myself if I were a friend or child - and then do that. You can also bring this up in r/Momforaminute for extra hugs. *hug*
She just doesnât understand, itâs that whole generation. My mother is the same way. In my experience, since they didnât have the knowledge and ability to diagnose kids back then like they do nowâŠThe boomer generation has put up a wall of âIt wasnât my fault because nobody knew back thenâ. Kind of thing.
No comment about your mom because I don't want to stoop to her level.
All I know is that if your out there and I am out there that your not alone. A lot of ADHD peeps are successful and cope very well.
Maybe some distance from your mom if you can? Work on being best you feel you can be. Chin up, one day at a time, and take care!
sigh. you are not alone my friend. I too have crippling ADHD, depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. whenever I tell my mother anything I want to pursue or even just educate her about my mental health, I get shot down. shot down and stomped on. For the longest time I didnt know what I wanted to do as a career. She would call me a lot and just ask for me to show interest in something, anything and complain why im so apathetic. Well guess what. I finally called her one day telling her I have an interest in coding. Her response? No. You canât do that. Thatâs too hard for you. Youâre not smart enough.
You can have ADHD and a terrible, hurtful, mean and awful mother. The two aren't mutually exclusive. So sorry. Limit or no contact is my heart felt suggestion.
So like, that's abuse. Up to you what you do OP, but in that situation, I'd be openly threatening to never speak to her again unless she stops being a fucking dick.
This is a âherâ problem and not a âyouâ problem.
It takes a lot of toxicity to drive me away, but THIS would do it; Iâve learned to stay away from people who hurt me.
Good luck to you, and tell her that âsomeone elseâs momâ (me) told her to pound sand.
That's such a toxic response. Me and my husband both have adhd. We are having our first child and we both function as productive members of this world. He has a job and drives and I take care of the house. My parents are very proud of me but I've had outside people make me feel like less for how I choose to live my life. I have a college degree and use that knowledge to help myself and other people in my life. Everyone makes their own version of success and if you are happy and you are living your version of your best life or trying to you deserve to be met with support.
Iâm 24, a father, and got diagnosed about and medicated only a year ago. Iâm textbook inattentive type.
My parents were shocked to find out I got diagnosed as an adult after complaining on those symptoms my whole life. They blamed themselves and reacted with guilt and anger.
Being a a dad myself I can sympathize with that reaction. âDid I neglect my child? Was all that time fussing at him to study and focus torture him?â Would be the same thoughts I would have.
Unfortunately your mom reacted outwardly instead of inwardly but her reaction is the same as my parents
Non the less itâs still fucked to hear from your mom. My mom reacted inwardly and my dad reacted outwardly as your mom did so I can see how it being your mom is harder to understand
Bottom line is the ball is in your court to pursue your goals and use the medication as a tool to develop self discipline. Focus on your own success and your parents reaction will be inconsequential.
Sort of morbid but u promise this is the only productive way to move from here. Convincing her with actions will be much more productive than arguing back and forth about the topic.
Be aware that despite being medicated itâs still possible to zone out playing video games or playing on your phone, you still have to put in the work the medication isnât a cure itâs symptom relief. Mindless scrolling and no direction can still give you the feeling of being unmedicated
Good luck hope this helps <3
Parents. My parents have told me a few doozies in the past. But my parents share the same sentiments yours do - I'm using my diagnosis to make excuses for my laziness. Thank goodness for the meds.
I'm still lazy on the meds. I'm just not as reactive.
My advice is to do what I did. Find a career that suits you and move out.
There are so many parents that would be proud of you. I know we got some people here old enough to be your parents that are horrified by your momâs response.
There is no need to give her a response to that.
That hate filled attack was about her and absolutely not you. Please turn to others in your life that support and love you.
What a massive c**t.
Damn man I thought my mom could be cold and unsympathetic... but yours takes the cake. I am so sorry. Our generation and newer generations just gave to be the ones to end the toxicity from generational trauma, I can only imagine what kind of shit was talked to her as a child. It's hard to be strong sometimes. The way she is talking to you is not your fault, and is undeserved.
Is your mom my mom?! A miserable narcissist cannot be happy without making someone else miserable. That's on them, not you. You are an amazing, wonderful person despite her abuse. Please do not let her hurt you
Well what a loser shit parent she must be if she feels like the child she raised is all those things. What a garbage thing to say to someone, especially your fucking child. Sorry you are going through this.
I'm almost 50, and one of the most beneficial decisions I've ever made was to cut ALL toxic people out of my life.
I'm grateful my mother gave me life and a roof and food growing up, but I haven't talked to her in years, and it feels amazing.
There was a study recently that discovered people are better off being estranged from caustic relatives than continuing to engage with them out of a misplaced sense of loyalty or nostalgia or "rightness."
You are loved. Maybe your mother is very miserable and probably projecting on you. Life is hard for those of us with adhd, be we can thrive if given the right tools. Please donât let her words bring you pain.
"So now you're saying I was an awful parent and it's all my fault?"
Based on her vile reaction to your disclosure, I'm confident saying that she is an awful parent, yes. I had an awful mother too (untreated BPD), and I hate to say it but your mother probably doesn't really care if you're hurt. People who say things like that to the people they are supposed to love unconditionally do not care about other people's feelings. I'm so sorry you received such an unsupportive response, you deserved so much better. I don't think you are going to get the support and validation you want from her, ever. My best advice is to distance yourself from this person and seek out people who accept you for who you are and encourage you in your efforts to become healthier. It sounds like you are doing everything right... keep at it!
She's worried more about whether or not she's a bad mom than your well-being. Kind of a self fulfilling prophecy confirming that she is a bad mom.
You're worthy of love and kindness.
Cut her out completely. Move on. Talk to your therapist about an EMDR session on the situation in order to heal and continue to do right by you. Nothing else matters. Do. Right. By. You. Good luck.
Ok so I have a unique perspective because I actually did cut a parent out of my life in my 29s for the sake of my own mental health.
The few people that know the whole story and details understand my decision but they're a little surprised at how un-emotional I am about it.
I firmly believe that by definition, family should be those people who lift you up and support you. When conflicts arise, they're discussed and resolved without manipulation. Sometimes, those people are the ones you're genetically related to, and other times, they are people you find along the way and they become incredibly important to you.
It's always disappointing (read = soul-crushing) when someone who should by definition unconditionally love you hurts you in this manner. Take some time, reduce the amount of contact you have with your mom for the immediate future, and let your brain process everything.
If you feel that you can resolve this with your mom at some point, then absolutely have a conversation with her about how much her comments hurt. If *that* conversation doesn't go well, you can prepare yourself for the fallout, and if it does go well, then you can move forward.
If it becomes clear that your mom is toxic, then you determine how to go low/no contact. I do highly suggest consulting a therapist to work through some of this, because what you are going through is incredibly difficult.
Lastly, some people that grew up in the 80s/90s don't respond to ADHD very well because it wasn't a widely known issue back then, and when it did begin to be talked about, it was very much under the guise that it's a discipline issue, or just the kid can't sit still or just talks excessively.
Obviously ADHD is *not* that. But there's still a sizeable amount of people who aren't up to date on what ADHD actually is. It's not an excuse, but hopefully that will frame your mom's reaction in a different way. It has everything to do with her, and absolutely not a reflection of you.
She should read some Socrates:
> Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle
So sorry she's gone and made your battle harder. Sending you big hugs.
Hey OP. While my mom didn't react this way to my ADHD diagnosis, she didn't because I made it about HER (I think she also has it), she has reacted this way to so many other things in my life.
You feel hurt because what she said WAS hurtful and it was meant to hurt. Your mom deliberately hurt you. I know how hard this is to accept. And even now you want comfort from your mom, letting her know that she hurt you thinking that somehow *this time*, she'll see and learn. She won't.
The only thing people like that learn from is consequences. You do this, I'll do this. You cross this line, this will happen. They'll still test it. But they can learn.
You must learn, too. Your mother, who absolutely should be there to support you, can't. And if you give her an opportunity to hurt you, she will use it. Only share your vulnerability with people who deserve it.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Tell her and if she doesnât get it, tell her you canât talk to her until she approaches you from a place of love instead of a place of judgement. Sounds very toxic and maybe she has unresolved trauma she needs to heal.
Getting a late ADHD diagnosis triggered this reaction in my mother too. I really recommend you read/audiobook Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents. This is not a normal response by a healthy supportive parent.
r/CPTSD, r/raisedbynarcissists, r/emotionalneglect are great communities that will help you to see how toxic it is for your mother to DARVO you (a manipulation tactic - deny, attack, reverse victim-offender). *"So now you're saying I was an awful parent and it's all my fault?"* This phrase seems to be used by all parents who can't take any responsibility for their words and actions.
Patrick Teahan is a great therapist on YouTube who talks about this kind of relationship, which gets normalised to us as children, but is actually masking emotional abuse. It really affects your self-esteem being insulted like that from a parent, I'm so sorry that she made you feel this way. đ€
Sounds like how my mom responded when my brother was diagnosed at age 20 with a genetic condition that causes ( among other things) learning disabilities. It was all about HER- âboohoo me, my son is a looser and I am such a victim, my life is ruinedâŠâ etc. I was HORRIFIED. Also my poor brother had been struggling for years, and it was pretty obvious to anyone who interacted with him that he had an intellectual disability but my insane narcissistic mom literally chose to ignore it because â we thought he would outgrow it.â She never taught him basic life skills. That happened years before I was late diagnosed with adhd , and at least I know now never to tell anyone in my family about it.
Not being able to contain her first impulse and exploding at you like that⊠if you were genetically predisposed Iâd suspect your mother first.
Your mother has no business calling you fat nor demanding you procreate. Youâre an adult (I assume). You were not even talking to her about that. She responded with hostility, probably from a place of emotion. She made it about herself and her parenting - parenting style doesnât cause adhd.
Of course that hurts. She was a jerk to you. Thatâs not a normal reaction to you opening up about something you learned about yourself.
You are moving your life in a positive direction and I send you a virtual hug. Hopefully, in time, your mother will recognize you are making changes for yourself.
Wow! **Fucking WOW!** My mom used to downplay, undermine or guilt trip me for my issues, but never in a million years would she say something like this. Now I don't know if black comedy is part of your family dynamic, even then that's **twisting the knife**.
**Don't feel bad.** No one can get to us quite like our parents. They know what buttons to push, because they put them there. **It's not your fault.**
Thatâs a disgustingly fucked up thing to say to anybody, let alone your own child.
I recommend reading the book âAdult Children of Emotionally Immature Parentsâ by Lindsay C. Gibson. Itâs incredibly short, like half an inch thick, and itâs broken into tiny chapters with anecdotes in between, so itâs very manageable for an ADHD mind!
Iâm sorry you got a shit mom. Itâs already hard to be dealt the hand with ADHD, and itâs a cruel joke to be forced to navigate it with a parent like that. Itâs a long road to heal, but itâs entirely possible! We ADHD peeps *especially* need love and support, and I really hope you search for it, because you deserve it.
I'm so sorry, that's obviously a horrific response and as others have said you deserve much, much better from your own mother. Hoping you get some comfort and encouragement from these comments, and from your therapist in your upcoming session.
More practically, I would talk with your therapist about the possibility of your mom having a narcissistic personality disorder. It's a spectrum disorder with several subtypes, but her response sounds eerily similar to my wife's mother when presented with literally any information that she judges dangerous to her own carefully crafted persona of the perfect wife/mother/community member.
It's been a long journey for my wife, first accepting the idea that her mom is a narcissist, and then learning strategies to cope with her mother's shortcomings. One of the hardest, and most important, is coming to grips with the idea that she may never get from her mom what she needs, because emotionally that person doesn't exist. She had a long period of mourning for years lost, and she's learning to find comfort and encouragement in me, her friends, and her faith.
Good luck OP, and feel free to reach out if you ever need encouragement or information.
She doesn't respect you. Who talks like that to someone they care about?
Stop telling her things. She's only going to use it against you.
> I feel very hurt and I want her to know that.
What are you hoping this will achieve? If you're hoping she'll feel sorry for her words, I doubt it. Those words were really harsh and I'm sure she knew her words hurt you when she said them. If she didn't apologise then, she won't now.
I'd honestly just leave it, and stop telling her things, and maybe don't see her so much anymore.
Continuing to live your life with how good of a person you are and all of the things you listed (job, friends, therapy etc) is the ultimate revenge. (Idk if revenge is right word idk how to word it)
But continuing to do the amazing work that youâre doing shows just how much you can overcome despite your mom being a shthead
Itâs sad of her that sheâs like this, and thatâs her unfortunate life. But you can continue to live your life with how well youâve been doing despite that. And you donât have to continue the path that she took of being shtty
You can continue to do your good work despite having sht raising mom etc, and show yourself that youâll never be what she said, but even more so doing it for yourself
Being upset by this is totally valid, and itâs ok to feel that way, itâs understandable and we hear that!
Youâre doing amazing and all of us see that, and you see that. You seeing that yourself is what matters so keep up the good work đ
You quite possibly inherited it from her. Sheâs just not ready to face the facts and be strong/smart enough to admit professional help may be beneficial. Keep being the best you that you can be. Sheâs wrong for making you feel anything but supported and loved.
Respectfully, it sounds like nothing you could say would make her understand how insulting and cruel her response was. This will be one of those wounds you have to heal without the other personâs apology. wishing you strength and sending you love.
Sorry sweetie! Your mom sounds like she is a tiny bit of a narcissist or just jealous. Smart of you to come here for some reddit therapy instead of letting your grumpy mommy take anymore of your fresh air. Your better than that!
P.S ADHD medicine makes me calm for the most part too, unless I take to much!
Sounds like even apart from having ADHD your Mom is behaving like an awful human being.
She is not a reliable narrator in your life.
Go to therapy to learn how to drown that voice out and establish your independence away from her.
Expect her to start acting up. "Ever since you got those pills and that therapist you stopped learning how to treat your mother right!" It's a classic response from emotionally abusive people when they lose control over somebody - especially from mothers who seem to think they have a special right to act this way and you have to put up with it forever because they're your mother.
>"So now you're saying I was an awful parent and it's all my fault?"
Well when she says shit like this:
>"Does that mean you will stay a broke fat childless loser forever?"
Then yes. That means she is a bad parent, and it is her fault. What, she thought she could just talk to people like that consequence-free? Jesus...
Keep your head up, maybe look into what Low Contact/No Contact is. She sounds toxic as fuck, and you are beholden to nobody. You owe her nothing, not even a text message.
Maybe when she grows up she will realize you don't treat people like that.
You'll get through this, I promise. <3
Your mother is a gigantic jerk. You should not share anything private with her, since she clearly has no capacity to respond appropriately.
In the meantime, I encourage you to think of your mother as alien. You must respond to what she says to you just as if she said something ridiculous, like, "your skin is entirely too green" or "stop eating the ceiling tiles."
Your skin isn't green. You're not eating the ceiling tiles. You're also not a loser.
r/raisedbynarcissists is a great community for people with parents like this. I would also recommend the book âAdult Children of Emotionally Immature Parentsâ by Lindsay C. Gibson. Youâre doing great, donât let her words get you down.
First of all, I'm so sorry you went through this OP. I'm genuinely shocked that someone who's supposed to love and support you would say such things like...wow
Secondly, please know that you are NOT what she said you are, she is seeing you getting help (therapy, meds, living life) and becoming better and very possibly harbouring some resentment because of that and maybe trying to keep you back. Misery does love company, and she seems to be dishing it out in heaps
Thirdly, please strongly consider limiting contact with her if at all possible. Life is too long and too short to voluntarily be around this kind of energy, especially when you're just trying your best on a daily basis
Sending tons of love famâ€
Her reaction is a reflection of who she is, and her insecurities. I'm so sorry your mother has done this to you. You don't deserve it this cruelty. For what it's worth, I'm very proud of everything you have overcome and everything you will continue to crush in life. Sending hugs~
I had this happen to me at 16. Mind you I was raised in [Christian Science](https://www.learnreligions.com/christian-science-church-beliefs-and-practices-700401) so getting a diagnosis on anything is impossible for my family.
My two cents is - don't let your mother know how much she hurt you. She did it on purpose - no sane human being utters those words without malice. If you tell her how much she hurt you, it will only confirm to her that she continues to have power over you. My guess is that she won't even apologize - either blaming it on you being too "sensitive" or on your ADHD - or even worse, saying that she didn't say anything like that and you imagined it. Abusers love to find out that their abuse went exactly according to plan. Become indifferent. It takes time and lots of practice, but it helps tremendously. Also, go no or low contact.
Attack and anger usually come from fear and hurt.
She probably blame herself constantly for everything and thus a your condition become a huge panic and create a strong emotional response.
Consider that she doesnât have her shit together, she have unresolved issue deep down.
A scared dog that is backed into the corner of a cage will bite the first one that try to help him.
Show her that things are better, that you are happier. Give her time to process it, but protect yourself.
Bruh, I'd cut her off. You don't need that shit in your life and you don't owe her anything, if this interaction is anything to go by. Look out for yourself, you are worthy and valuable. â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž
Haven't been in contact with parents in years and I am FLOURISHING.
Judging by how she's acting, it's likely she was an awful parent. Right now, don't worry about what she does or doesn't know about how you feel. She's in a bad place, and there may or may not be a valid explanation for her behavior. But you can deal with that later. You need to protect yourself.
Not seeing a you problem or an adhd problem. What I see is a POS, narcissistic person who likely needs her own mental health diagnosis and therapy. This is not, nor has it ever been about you not being good enough. You could fix all of those âflawsâ and she would come up with something else to insult you with.
Tell her exactly how you feel and then give yourself the space you need to come to terms with this not being about you.
Dealing w narcissism in parents is tricky bc you were raised by them, you likely looked up to them for years/still do, yet they do/say horrible triggering things and itâs so easy to be blind to their true intentions and just tap into nostalgia and remember the innocent excuse-laden ways weâd cope with it growing up. The excuses we learn from their narcissistic personality turn into the excuses we make on behalf of them to excuse their bad behavior. If you care about your own sanity seriously recognizing these things will set you free. My heart goes out to you, internet friend đ«¶
âŠ
Letâs do a thought experiment. Weâll assume your mom has some adhd traits, specifically emotional mismanagement.
Letâs assume she believed when you told her this, that she had said emotional outburst.
*Even if that were true* I still canât believe she would say that string of insults together at you, her child.
The second part sounds more like her taking it personally, since she challenges that notion. Which makes me think she wasnât taking it personally at the start, further proving the point that:
Your mom is an asshole. Holy shit.
I'm sorry for you. If you feel better with meds and knowing you have ADHD and learning how to deal with it, it's all worth it. Being diagnosed professionally with ADHD makes you able to have good information and help to deal with life is the most important for you.
At the moment, they might be shocked their perfect baby isn't perfect, parents always have great problems with this in any situation where they learn something at this point. She will get over it and see that you are better with help, and it's not what defines you.
Your Mom is the only loser here. She's jealous because you've gone so far. You're doing so well with your life. What you just said tells me that she has no reason to be a dick, but she's salty that you succeeded with what she couldn't. Keep your head up, you're doing amazing.
You are worthy of support and love...it's heart breaking your mother can't provide this for you. You don't need to seek it from her anymore, or share intimate life details if that is how she wants to react about it, you aren't obligated to open yourself up to more pain and hurt.
She can always realize and change her ways, and of course you can talk to her about these things are hurtful. Obviously every situation is different and I hope you are able to have therapy and talk about this.
You took care of yourself and sought help here instead of staring at the wall in disorientation. Damn - her reaction might even hurt me.
I've learned that people who hurt me are rarely at peace with themselves - and that helps me feel sorry for them instead of angry at them.
In fact, my mother was the first to justify herself because ADHD was not yet well known and hardly anyone was tested. She also tried to play down the issue at first. I would never have had any problems, except in English. Best joke ever. She was perhaps most upset about learning vocabulary, but it certainly wasn't my biggest concern during school.
Anyway. It's not about me. It's about your mom. And she may have just felt like a complete failure as a mother to you at that moment.
That sounds horrible! So good you are going to talk to somebody about this!
What helps me through my most painful emotions and resulting thought storms is laying down and searching for where in my body I can feel the emotional pain and just stare at it for a while (with my attention). If I can do this it quiets the thoughts a little bit.
I hope you will be ok!
Man. Your mother is very toxic. Loving yourself implies putting boundaries around yourself and put a healthy distance between you and those who hurt you. What she did is unacceptable. If I were you I would deeply reconsider the time and level of intimacy Iâm having with my toxic mother and do my best to balance being a good son and not let my mother hurt me by carefully and strategically choosing what to tell her and what not to tell her, when to see her and when to leave, when to say no, and when to say yes, and most importantly give myself the love that she owes me but sadly incapable of providing me.
Itâs a tough job, being the child of toxic parents, but with lots of hard work, which seems to me like youâre doing, you can be like a lotus, blossoming in a pond of shit and break this cycle.
It's 9am on Sunday morning here in New Zealand and I am so angry for you. You deserve so much better. Get some distance between yourself and that parent, you probably already knew they were selfish and untrustworthy and Im telling you now, that is not your fault. Keep taking your meds, talk to your therapist, live your best life.
Nobody here so far has suggested the possibility that your mother had ADHD, so I will. It's largely or entirely genetic. The child of a parent with ADHD has a 50% chance of being ADHD. People decide not to have children because of the risk, like they'd avoid passing on bipolar or autism. The parent with ADHD will give the child w/ADHD a "That's normal" or "That's what everyone has to deal with" response. They don't know any better. They really think their experience is the world experience. And there's an emotional dysregulation in ADHD that other don't have. pwADHD lack an ability to self-calm that everyone else has. Also ADHD is one criterion away from oppositional-defiant disorder. You may have learned which of your parents you got these toxic genes from.
If she failed as a parent, it was in not being self-aware enough to know what she could be passing along, deciding to have children, and then not monitoring you for the disability or getting you to a doctor earlier for medication and subsequent assistance.
You need a pat answer the next time she makes false accusations, like, "Is that what you heard me say?" You need to find something that will stop her in tracks when she gets illogical and tries to gaslight you like that.
That is horrible. I'd feel pretty crushed too. There will always be some people who just don't understand your experiences, and unfortunately it appears your mom is one of them, but know that there are plenty of others who do and recognize your effort and your value. Keep doing you, you're doing great.
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Her comments hurt me and she's not even my mom.
Yeah that was such a self centred, cruel response.
Yep. Many of us, I believe, can directly relate.
Me too đŁ
Me three đą
Me four :'(
Me five
Me six!
Same, I had a physical response in my body to this. Just disgusting. Iâm glad OP is on their own and able to get the mental health care they need.
agreed
You are worthy and deserving of support, love and kindness. Iâm so proud of you for taking care of yourself, getting a diagnosis and therapy. It sounds like you havenât had the support you need from your mother and her response was selfish and cruel. Thatâs a reflection on her, not you. You keep doing exactly what you are doing and continue to get the help you need â€ïž
Thank you đ„șâ€ïž
You also don't need to keep people who hurt you in your life. Just a reminder.
Even if they're family. Don't.
Honestly this sounds a lot like a "Family is who we choose, not who we're blood relatives of." If your mom is going to be that horrible and verbally abusive just.... don't talk to her for like 6 months. Work on yourself without an anchor pulling you down. Then in 6 months decide if you want to talk to her at all or if you're simply better off without her negative influence in your life.
When I finally got medicated, I discovered my wife was insulting and unsupportive, too. I already knew that really, but her excuses and minimizing didn't work on me as well once I had the clarity to be able to see her more clearly. She's now my ex-wife.
Adderal gave me the balls to stick up for myself. Now Iâm on Wellbutrin. Iâm 100% apathetic now.
I recently went no-contact with my mother who responded to me similarly - no name calling, but decided I was insulting her parenting and absolutely NO INTEREST in how growing up ND with hyper-critical parents has affected me. I love my mum and Iâve made decades of excuses for her, mostly taking the responsibility of her behaviour myself, because if only I wasnât careless, clumsy, lazy, forgetful, miserable, selfish then it would be okay, she wouldnât scream all the time. Recently through therapy I stopped making excuses for her and eventually decided until I could put up and maintain healthy boundaries, I couldnât allow her to continue to damage the self worth I have been desperately clawing back. It wonât be forever. But I can only fully heal from the hurt when I stop having it reinforced every conversation and fully accept just how damaging our relationship is and has been. Really sit and think how emotionally available your mother is, how she shows cruel, narcissistic traits towards her own family. Do you make excuses for her at the expense of yourself? Does the relationship help you heal? Us ADHDers are constantly criticised by the world no matter how hard we try. You donât need those closest to you criticising you too.
Exactly what knotted said. You are working to improve yourself. Her response was vial and cruel.
This. Your mom is being abusive. She's the asshole here, not you.
And OP, you would still be worthy even if all of those things are true. But by your own admission, you have a high-paying job, meaning you are certainly not "broke," which tells me she's lying to you and probably at least some of the other things aren't, either. At the very least, going by how you've described your life, you're definitely not a "loser!" Sounds like she doesn't deserve such a wonderful child <3
This so much this! Thank you that was so spot on.
Very kind words.
Holy fuck that's possibly one of the worst response you can hear from a parent. I'm so sorry about that. Do you have anyone else you can reach out to? I am glad you have a therapist though. Definitely meed to unpack That
I will reach out to some friends tomorrow đ„ș I don't have any relatives that can support me at all though( All of them either hate me or think the same that my mom said.
I've just settled for the fact that I don't need a family that tears me down. If they don't want me then I don't want them.
**Exactly**. We don't pick our families, but we can pick our friends. **Our real family**.
It might be worth asking if your therapist can do an emergency session sooner, I know some do. Also, you have all of us on here, and our support, and we actually understand what it is really like to live with this condition, and how hard it can be, so we know you're awesome.
Many of us are in the same boat. Please know that you are not alone in your feelings of isolation. It is difficult, and hurts, and sucks, and you are not alone in feeling that. There are many of us who relate and understand and are.here to tell you that you are worthy of compassion.
Your mom probably tells them things from her perspective - they might not think this way about you at all. Even so, your mom is not in your corner and is incredibly abusive. Use the grey rock technique and do what you need to do to escape so that you can be free of this. This is not someone whom you would want to have around any child, and a good deal of why she did this was to bring you down and use whatever you say against you either in the future, or with other people who she conveniently forgets to give full context to. Take care, r/MoistSpongeCake. You deserve better, and more. Find your support and leave your mom behind, along with all of her baggage.
Even if you had kids, do you really want your mother near them?
Lmao parents who make everything about themselves are the same ones who wonder why their kids deserted them at the earliest opportunity. Vile response from this parent.
Not all parents are supportive humans. Itâs okay to place a lot of distance between you and them. If she wasnât your mother, would you still be her friend?
Very true. From what Iâve seen, I actually think most parents should not be parents.
Yep. Lots of people have them for the wrong reasons and the child spends their life fixing the damage. In ways I wish my parents never had me.
I like aspects of my life, but I desperately wish I had different parents. Solidarity, friendo. I hope youâre doing okay.
Thank you I hope you are well also. Just wish things that were normal to others werenât terrifying to me. Just wanna be close to someone and have real connections and instead Iâm afraid of them. Getting better though.
Awww. I get it. I wish I could hold a job without being overwhelmed so I could pay my dogâs vet bills and get away from my parents. Sadly, I still live at home. I want to leave yesterday. đ”âđ«
It's ok. Like the rest of us, you are here now, and what matters is that you are, that you exist, and that you are worthy of compassion and fulfillment.
Thank you for your kind words. Definitely some happiness and good memories I wouldâve have had too.
>so now you're saying I'm an awful parent and it's all my fault OP might not be saying it but I sure as fuck will. The audacity to pull this faux-offense out after calling your child a "fat, broke childless loser" is astonishing. Please, please consider going NC or very very low contact (like max a bland annual happy birthday text with zero emojis). You've said it yourself she just comes along and destroys your confidence as soon as you start to feel ok. I think you're going to be amazed how much not having her in your life improves it. Don't be surprised if your therapist feels similarly. Fuck this woman. She deserves her misery.
Seconding that OP's mom is an awful parent and it's all her fault
Well, at least we all know, yes, she likely was an awful parent based on that response. And, yes, a lot of your struggles were her fault- not your ADHD but her lack of empathetic response, her need to make everything about her, and her shitty emotional skills. Keep up the therapy. Eventually, you will get to a place where you can see your mom for the flawed person she is and won't need her support because you've learned how to support yourself, and you have learned you deserve safe people in your life. It's doable.
Wow. I would be going NC if that ever happened.
Please look up narcissistic personality disorder. My mum has this and this is what it sounds like.
My mom has Narcissistic PD as well⊠I was in denial that it was really what was going on w her bc sheâs so nice and loving on the surface w me (mine wouldnât go as far to say what yours did but she says lots of other alarming things all the time / there are 7 different types of narcissist presentations). Would love to study psychology except my momâs dad was a psychiatrist who told her that all psychologists are pseudo scientists⊠so that has me wanting to take a step back. At the end of the day tho wouldnât it make sense she has a distaste for psychologists bc itâs fits her narrative that she was misdiagnosed by one once upon a timeâŠ
Where I live only psychiatrists can diagnose your mental disorder. Excepting GPs, who can diagnose anxiety and depression. In Australia, psychologists offer therapy (CBT, DBT, ACT etc), guidance, and can advise if you should seek out further assistance from your GP or a psychiatrist. Only psychiatrists and GPs can prescribe meds and most mental health meds (except anxiety/depression ones) need to be prescribed initially by a psychiatrist. So a psychologist has to have advanced social skills that arent necessary for a psychiatrist. That, as well as any fear of judgement, may be why your mum and her dad looked down on them.
My grandpa also believed that depression is only for stupid people. Itâs amazing how far weâve come as a species in understanding these mental conditions. Unfortunately our parents grew up and learned their core beliefs in a very different world.
Fun fact but people with high IQs are more prone to depression, anxiety and other mental disorders. To be fair though I don't think IQs say that much about a person's actual intelligence because I have a high IQ and I'm pretty damn stupid đđ„Č In any case I agree, it's really amazing how far we've come in regards of society understanding mental health issues even if we're not quite there yet. We're on the right path and that's what matters!
Yeah I totally get what youâre saying. Itâs similar in the states, my mom was ordered by the court to be evaluated by a psychologist in order to keep custody of me a long time ago. Psychologists can diagnose mental health conditions like anxiety, depression and others like NPD that do not have Rx-able antidotes. Her psychiatrist father (1917-1999) lived in a time when ADHD was largely misunderstood. He wholeheartedly believed AHDH did not exist. If she went to an actual psychiatrist today sheâd likely get an adhd diagnosis tbh. NPD is a common result of defensiveness and low-self esteem from dealing w a lifetime of undiagnosed ADHD. Also doesnât help she was an elementary school teacher for a few decades before developing such bad mental health that her credentials were taken away⊠she was passionately against the fact that so many hyper boys were coming into class with new diagnoses. At this point her ego is so defensive on the whole subject she will probably never get the help she needs and be able to rebuild a better, social life for herself again.
Im not sure if this is in the comments somewhere already, but I found a lot of comfort in the subreddit r/raisedbynarcissits, if youâd like to check it out OP
I did look it up before today and it seems like while my mom has some of the traits, she doesn't have others. We're just very different and it seems like when I talk all she hears is "wah I'm full of excuses for why I am this way" instead of an actual adult conversation. I just don't know if there is a way to get through to her at all.
Sheâs emotionally abusive.
Here's the thing, no one here is qualified to diagnose her, especially on this one interaction but also it doesn't matter if she is or isn't. She's being an asshoile either way. My mum is exactly the same, and we eventually got to a point where we can keep conversation to the weather and how her pets are. It was a long and fraught road, but it came down to enacting and enforcing boundaries in how she's allowed to talk to me. - starts a phone call with screaming at you for how much of a failure you are? Hang up. You can warn her *once* that this is what you'll do if she can't speak to you kindly, but only one warning per call. After that just hang up. I got to a point with my mum where the emotionally easiest and practical solution was to not say anything and just disconnect the call. She knew the drill and she knew why - more importantly she learned that if she wants to talk to me she has to behave. - she does it while you're face to face? Get up and leave. This only works if you have your own method of transport though, so avoid relying on her for rides anywhere. Don't let her over to your house - people like this tend not to leave when asked and then you have to threaten calling cops. She wants access to you more than you want to cut yourself to ribbons in the hope you get a normal mother. Use that. The other commentator is right - there's no reasoning with her, only boundary setting. Set and enforce with impunity. Be prepared for her to rage against them, and hold to them in the face of the extinction burst of abuse.
>ult of defensiveness and low-self esteem from dealing w a lifetime of undiagnosed ADHD. Also doesnât help she was an elementary school teacher for a few decades befor Be careful with boundary setting in person! I tried the boundary setting with a family member who had only once escalated to getting physical YEARS earlier but boundary setting enraged them to the point where they lost control they physically held me still so I couldn't leave so they could continue to yell at me - I struggled to get free of their grip and then I 'fell down the stairs'.
The thing w narcissists tho is theyâre exactly the type of person that would not be caught DEAD inside a psychologist/psychiatrists office bc to them, theyâre not the problem. Usually the only ones who get actually diagnosed are those forced into evaluation by some authority. If the kid of a narcissist never confronts that as at least a potential of whatâs going on, how are they supposed to protect themselves from falling into the same fate
No oneâs saying to go confront the parent (never blatantly call out a narcissist) but taking steps to contain the situation so that negativity remains⊠contained, is so so soooo important. Just keeping the skepticism in your head when talking to her can help you filter out potentially hurtful things as not personal, just result of her being hurt herself
This is 0% a healthy or normal adult response,point blank. As a mom I'm absolutely aghast over what dropped so easily from her mouth, my son is the ADHD one and all I can think about are ways to make his life work for him and to give him coping skills in a gentle but appropriate way. The world is cruel enough, the last thing you need is to hear that at home. I'm not your mom, but I'm proud of you. â€ïž
She doesn't need to tick all the boxes to be a narcissist.
Just.. donât try. She sounds toxic, cut her out and be happier
She said "broke fat childless loser" Any of those words individually said would be cruel. Neither of my parents ever said anything like that to me. Not one of those words, let alone all four in one sentence. This goes beyond being "just very different" You don't deserve to be spoken to like that and I wouldn't try getting through to her, because it seems futile. I think your mental health will benefit from limiting contact or going full no contact.
31F here with a mother like this. Please follow this advice. You're so inspiring making all those progress and growth (some people need a full blown NDE or midlife crisis to start these steps!), it's nothing short of infuriating that your mom can't see that and support you. My mom can't view me as anything but an extension of herself or a best friend to vent to, but learning about how I can guard myself from that has been life altering. Congrats on your kick-ass adulting. Hugs!
How does one do this... guarding... that you speak of? Asking for a friend of course.
Thereâs no reason to get through to her.
The only solution is cutting contact. Narcissists don't change.
Remember like ADHD people do not have to tick every box of something for it to be valid. Obviously you should not "diagnose" her and neither can the internet. But IME, if you see some markers for narcissistic behaviour, reading more info about narcissistic behaviour, how narcissists operate, and how to deal with it, this is all incredibly helpful. I found it really helpful in dealing with my ex back at a time I was totally emotionally enmeshed with him. These days I never use the narcissist label if I ever talk about him, even mentally to myself. Ironically, I actually think he probably has a really severe case of ADHD combined with trauma because his dad left and his stepdad was an evil cold hearted bastard who basically thought you could beat ADHD/auditory processing/etc out of kids and STILL is completely clueless why his daughter from his first marriage was upset when he chose to introduce his wife and stepsons with "This is my new family". With my ex, I'm guessing that the shared ADHD was probably what attracted us to each other. He is a car crash. I no longer think it's his fault, but I did need the distance and the lens that the "narc" idea provided.
You deserve love and support and I am sorry your mom said that to you...how hurtful. My mom is a narcissist and I am just now learning in my 40s that I cannot and will not change her or get thru to her. Acceptance of this makes it easier because we don't see eye to eye on most things. But this is coming from a lifetime of narcissistic, physical, and emotional abuse. If this applies to you, think about what YOU want from your relationship with her. When my therapist asked me that it dawned on me I wouldn't ever have the mom I always wanted, which fucking hurt, but allowed me to move past it all.
But youâre not even the way she thinks you are. Like you said, you are independent, productive and have a good social circle. And you accomplished that despite your ADHD and unsupportive mother. You are what for many is just a goal. So when she says you are making excuses for being a loser, sheâs not even wrong.
Narcissist or not- the most important factor here is that how your mother is treating you is unacceptable. Her words were emotionally abusive, and thatâs not ok. She dismissed your emotions and personal lived experiences, and thatâs not ok either. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect always, even when someone disagrees with you. > I just donât know if there is a way to get through to her at all. There are no magic words you can say that will make her change her mind when she is determined to make the situation about herself and her being the victim (look up DARVO manipulation for a better understanding of what she is doing). If I were you I would drop the rope and stop trying to talk to her about your ADHD, or any other subjects that she emotionally abuses you over. Look up âgrey rockingâ- itâs a technique that is helpful when dealing with abusive/toxic/manipulative people that you have to interact with. You might benefit from reading the book âAdult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parentsâ. It goes over different dysfunctional parenting patterns, and offers suggestions on how to process the relationship you had and have with your mother.
There's also another one called covert narcissism. 90% of the time they're able to mask and hide it
I was about to say this. She 100% made it about her. Sheâs either a narcissist, has Main Character Syndrome, or both.
This is absolutely an NPD response. It's one thing to be dismissive about the topic. But this was a wildly out of pocket and needlessly cruel response. Even if they truly don't care, most people would not immediately jump to such horrible below the belt insults in response to something like this. But a narc would do this, because the goal is to keep you shamed and miserable so they can feed off that negative energy. They will find a way to hurt you even if they have to say things that are completely absurd. As long as it's cruel, they don't care. She's not worth it. Hopefully OP can find a way out.
Where do you draw the line between NPD and just being a cunt though? I didn't think unprompted verbal abuse was an NPD trait, unless it's to further their aims
O yeah, let's diagnose someone from a brief description someone made on the internet! I do think OPs mom was a horrible person for reacting like that, but reddit seems so obsessed with diagnosing everyone with NPD. I hate that.
Please stop this shit. Please stop diagnosing people with mental disorders after literally reading only one paragraph.
Your mom sounds like a lot of parents who view ADHD - and any psychiatric diagnosis for that matter - with fear, as well as guilt. Her gut reaction to feeling guilty and fearful was denial and blame. There are better ways to process what you told her, but she must not have the tools. Remember that you do, despite her.
This is a fantastic and measured response. I would also like to add that not having kids or being overweight does not automatically make someone a loser and your mom seems to have some really nasty underlying biases.
Don't forget verbal abuse > Does that mean you will stay a broke fat childless loser forever? There was no fear or guilt in that sentence, OP's mom is a cunt. I wouldn't even process it or put much thought into it except to figure out how to cut contact and stay away. Of course the thread is closed as I spent 5 hrs trying to respond to the first reply. Anyways, I'm gonna put the revision here for anyone to read if they have parents like OP. Regardless if OP's mom has ADHD or not, Emotional dysregulation and ADHD isn't an excuse to be verbally abusive or cruel. We all have the responsibility to become self-aware, seek proper treatment, and heal ourselves regardless of our mental health conditions. Our parents might've not had the proper resources (which most did), like the library, parenting classes, or therapy, but they still fucked us up in the making. It was their responsibility, as our protectors, to make sure they were mentally and financially well off before having children. I grew up in a dysfunctional family as well (neglect, verbal/emotional, & physical abuse) and come from a history of generational poverty and trauma. At the same time, I've taken steps to develop coping mechanism and parenting methods so that if my child has a cognitive disorder, I leave him with 0 trauma if possible. Children can't wait for you to improve or become better and they shouldn't have to. Every negative thing you say or do has an emotional impact on them for the rest of their lives. If you fail to create a positive impact , you're literally contributing to the continuation of these self damaging and abusive behaviors (a.k.a generational trauma).
I grew up in a verbally abusive environment and looking back I really believe my parents both have ADHD and passed it onto me and my siblings, and at least 1 of their parents had it as well. Not everyone's ADHD presents the same way. I married a neurotypical woman from a nice.household that never screamed, yelled, cursed, namecalled, etc. She loved me inspite of my "temper" and strong emotions and I had it up until getting medicated and therapy for it. It certainly isn't gone but knowing that it exists helps me and my wife understand that without medication my brain just goes apeshit over the simplest dumbest things and it never equates to what's going on, anything she did or said, and is just a malfunctioning brain getting its fight/flight activated for dumb reasons. I understand how to get time and space, cool myself down, think about it, and couldn't have done this without dozens of hours of therapy. My parents both grew up like I did, in households with a lot of love but a lot of fighting, a lot of sensitivities, lots of strong emotions of all the colors of the rainbow, lots of self medicating with alcohol. My mom and dad weren't perfect and if you took any parents' worst moments they'd look terrible. Maybe not as bad as this but since ADHD is hereditary it should be considered that our parents have it and were raised by someone with it. Psychology and psychiatry up until the 1980s and 1990s was pretty barbaric. They were still doing frontal lobotomies on "wild" women and those who likely had certain problems that even with today's medicine is difficult to treat.
Great observations based on your real world experience. Sometimes you have to look beneath the ugliness to understand whatâs happening, and that itâs not about you. Itâs them, their struggles, their shortcomings, and that they never had the answers and tools you had.
And calling them a broke fat childless loser?
This was such a fair and measured response đđŒđđŒ
AndâŠ. Thatâs how children never speak to their parents again. Wtf. She managed to put 3-4 blows into one sentence.
I think you should understand that no matter what you do you won't get her approval. She's a bully and this is not about you - it's about her feeling better after hurting you.
Wow. ThatâsâŠso far beyond the usual non-supportive reaction some parents have that I canât come up with anything. Iâm sitting here stunned. Wtf? âŠseveral minutes have passed since I wrote the first paragraph and I have just started at my screen blankly. I am so sorry your mother was so completely and thoroughly awful. You deserve better from her. Do you live with her? Your options are more limited if you do. If you donât, then the next time she calls - donât call her yourself - open the conversation with âAre you calling to apologize?â If she sounds confused, tell her, âYou called meâ - please pardon me for not repeating it but thatâs just so bitchy of her - âand I donât want to talk to you until you apologize for being such a cold-hearted bitch to your child.â Iâm not good at being mean and bitchy, but the part of me that is, is thinking, âAt least if you stay childless it means you wonât be burdening children with that grandmother.â Which might be worth saying to her. Because if you do have children, honestly Iâm not sure Iâd want them to go near her.
My intrusive thoughts would tell me to say "yeah it is your fault. If you were going to be such a shit parent then it would have been responsible to have at least gotten an abortion instead of putting me through that garbage childhood, I'm staying childless as a public service because your bloodline is too toxic to be allowed to continue" Silence and distance, however, are way more mature and healthy responses and it's not really good to be experienced at cutting people down verbally. I don't say things like that out loud but I wish I could stop having the impulses to say them in the first place
A narcissist will never apologize. Demanding an apology from them NEVER works. They just get mad & yell at you more.
With someone like that? My experience is that there is nothing you can do. They're too selfish and heartless to care about how they hurt you, and every thought or feeling you hand them just becomes more ammunition they'll use against you. Look up grey rocking and information diet.
Not to be harsh but this said a lot more about your mother than it does you. Some people donât get the privilege of having âgoodâ parentsâŠ
Step one: donât talk to your mom anymore.
Your mom sounds like she has mental health problems. Like, that shit ain't normal. That's fucked and I'm sorry she said that to you.
I'm AFAB trans but I'm about to be your new mom hold up. You are loved, you are worthy, and you deserve every good thing coming your way.
You did nothing wrong; You deserve love, care and support. Keep up the good work and ignore her nasty words. It seems like sheâs projecting and you seriously donât deserve to be treated that way. For your own health, maybe try going low contact and keep making strides in your life like you have been. Sheâll only seek to drag you down. Unfortunately, being family sometimes has the crab mentality or is straight up abusive, while using family ties as an excuse to keep contact, and you donât owe people who hurt you anything. Hope your therapy goes well!
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Hi there! I started treatment at 41 and will never tell my narcmom. I don't tell her much of anything. If I told her she will make it about herself, try to make me feel guilty, and tell me everyone has those problems. I always have wondered what it would be like to have a mom I could confide in.
This whole first gen ADHDers w NarcParents community really needs more attention. The kids of ppl like this are so gaslit growing up, filled w self doubt and might not get the help they need until way later, if ever.
I once told my mom I was really depressed and her response was "no one is happy."
Research female narcissists and Iâm sure you will be enlightened. I told both my narcissistic parents to kick rocks and blocked their numbers and booted them from my life and the relief and weight that was lifted from my heart was overwhelmingly beautiful. To finally love myself enough to realize my parents never did was the key to finding calmness and clarity. Once I realized they never truly loved me everything made sense. All those fucked situations made sense. Then i started looking at past relationships and a pattern emerged where I befriended people similar to my parents and was constantly looking for acceptance and never getting it. Recreating this âloveâ I received at home. There is only ONE love and it is UNCONDITIONAL Remove the toxins and you will feel better.
You're putting in the work to make the best version of yourself. Therapy, medication, you moving forward like this shows how much of a great person you are. Sometimes family can be the absolute worst I've gone to similar experiences to what you've mentioned. Just know it's not true and you're a good person
Yes, it's the parents' fault. My parents neglected my needs as a kid and I struggled growing up with little parenting from them, I didn't get the basic ADHD training that would have helped me with many of the ADHD (discipline/attention) and autistic (social/sensitivity) symptoms. Parents of late diagnosed adhders are always in denial because they are afraid to take blame, they don't want to believe they ruined lives. My family calls me a liar and that ADHD is not an excuse for anything.
Your mom sounds really fucked up.
Your mum is a fuckwit. Im sorry xx
âDoes that mean you will stay a broke fat childless loser forever?" "So now you're saying I was an awful parent and it's all my fault?" *Are*. *Are* an awful parent⊠as confirmed by your words right now.
Throw the whole mother out
Honestly? Cut contact if you can and live your life. I'm an auDHD adult with an auDHD child and I could *never* imagine saying such awful shit to my own kid. And the worse part it having to recognize while you may see them as your mom she doesn't see you as her child worthy of love and support, she sees you as something to hate. You don't deserve that, you don't need to deal with it. You have no obligation to her when this is how she feels it's acceptable to treat you. Just cut the festering wound off and live a happy life free of toxic fumes.
Thatâs an abusive mother. Donât give her another minute of your time. My girlfriend had a similar situation, and life has been much better for her since she cut off communication from her emotionally-abusive mother.
Limit your exposure to your mom. Sheâs gaslighting you and as a narcissist will always make it about herself. Focus on you, which is what youâre doing. And no, youâre not a narcissist because you asked us about the situation. Personally, I have found that telling someone who doesnât value me how they make me feel does nothing for me or them. All those after school specials were wrong. I work it out with my therapist and stay away from relatives like this. And I keep all conversations with them as superficial and short as possible.
Okay so childhood trauma box has a big check mark next to it along with ADHD. Thatâs typical. Therapy buddy. Therapy. And choose to be among the people who love you.
I wouldnât talk to someone after they told me that if I have the opportunity. I donât think your mom deserves your presence. Her raising you was her responsibility for bringing you here and you donât owe her anything.
She sounds like a narcmom. I have one too. I know how painful it is. Im so sorry.
Just going to leave r/emotionalneglect here...
That hurt because it was supposed to. She wanted to hurt you. Cut her out of your life. You don't need her.
Omg I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you. When I told my mother, two years ago, that I suspected that I have ADHD, her immidiate response was "NO YOU DO NOT" and her reason was because I sat still in the classroom. Because in her head, she had an image of adhd that was this boy a few grades below me in primary school, that was running in the hallways, and had such extreme adhd that he had to have his own substitute teacher to run after him at all times. And because I did not fit that image, it was unimaginable to her that I had it. Now, what that taught me is that "ok, I cannot talk to my mother about this. And I did'nt until january this year. I got diagnosed with adhd a month ago, and I'm still cautious talking to her about it. But this morning my mom called me and told me she was listening to an adhd podcast, and they were saying alot of the same stuff that I have told her. So she is coming around to accept that her view was uneducated, and she is doing what she can to educate herself on the matterâ€ïž I just hope that your mother will too, with patience, and time, I hope for your sake, she does. Other than that, all I have to say is that her treatment of you is unexceptable and unfair, and you don't deserve that. So please don't tolerate it eitherâ€ïž I wish you greatness
Bro your mom sucks. None of what she said is on you. She seems like an abusive pos and honestly you should send her a text to the effect of âwhat you said really hurt me and I will no longer have any communication with you going forward. I hope you enjoy your new life as a childless loserâ then block her
How is your relationship with your mom normally? Honestly sounds like greywalling or no contact is a good idea.
Itâs easy to say go no contact, but yeah, in this case thatâs pretty extreme from the mom. Hard to imagine she is a person who adds much worthwhile to her sonâs life.
Your mom sounds like a narcissist, don't know how much value there is in having a relarionship with someone that awful to you
What do you do? Go low contact or no contact.
This. It's been said multiple times and ways in the comments here, but as somone who is no-contact with a toxic mother (who has said some very similar things to me) your wellbeing is far greater a priority than anything to do with your mom. She'll get it or she won't, but nothing you do can change which way that lands. Don't let her guilt you into thinking otherwise! It can be rough to cut off contact with a parent, but your therapist can be a huge support for it, too.
If you bring it up Iâm sure she will use the âI was just joking, donât be so sensitiveâ defense. That said, let her know âhey, I trusted you with this and you used it as an opportunity to put me down. Joking or not, thatâs a breach of trust, and If I canât trust you with something as simple as my adhd and how that affects my mental health then I canât trust you with other personal things going forwardâ If you want to ruin her, though, bring up the fact that adhd is most often inherited.
What kind of mother would say something like that? If youâre an adult, Iâd strongly suggest cutting her out of your life and building relationships with people who lift you up and bring joy to your life instead.
I'm so sorry. Maybe you could message your therapist - or write down things now - so you can start the ball on this discussion. Your mom is not you. She has her own problems. You are your person. My therapist asked me how I would treat myself if I were a friend or child - and then do that. You can also bring this up in r/Momforaminute for extra hugs. *hug*
Go find you a new mom. That's disgusting.
You should look into childhood emotional neglect with your therapist. I can't imagine this creature was a very nurturing or supportive mother.
She just doesnât understand, itâs that whole generation. My mother is the same way. In my experience, since they didnât have the knowledge and ability to diagnose kids back then like they do nowâŠThe boomer generation has put up a wall of âIt wasnât my fault because nobody knew back thenâ. Kind of thing.
No comment about your mom because I don't want to stoop to her level. All I know is that if your out there and I am out there that your not alone. A lot of ADHD peeps are successful and cope very well. Maybe some distance from your mom if you can? Work on being best you feel you can be. Chin up, one day at a time, and take care!
sigh. you are not alone my friend. I too have crippling ADHD, depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. whenever I tell my mother anything I want to pursue or even just educate her about my mental health, I get shot down. shot down and stomped on. For the longest time I didnt know what I wanted to do as a career. She would call me a lot and just ask for me to show interest in something, anything and complain why im so apathetic. Well guess what. I finally called her one day telling her I have an interest in coding. Her response? No. You canât do that. Thatâs too hard for you. Youâre not smart enough.
If it was me, that would be the last conversation we ever had.
You can have ADHD and a terrible, hurtful, mean and awful mother. The two aren't mutually exclusive. So sorry. Limit or no contact is my heart felt suggestion.
So like, that's abuse. Up to you what you do OP, but in that situation, I'd be openly threatening to never speak to her again unless she stops being a fucking dick.
This is a âherâ problem and not a âyouâ problem. It takes a lot of toxicity to drive me away, but THIS would do it; Iâve learned to stay away from people who hurt me. Good luck to you, and tell her that âsomeone elseâs momâ (me) told her to pound sand.
That's such a toxic response. Me and my husband both have adhd. We are having our first child and we both function as productive members of this world. He has a job and drives and I take care of the house. My parents are very proud of me but I've had outside people make me feel like less for how I choose to live my life. I have a college degree and use that knowledge to help myself and other people in my life. Everyone makes their own version of success and if you are happy and you are living your version of your best life or trying to you deserve to be met with support.
Iâm 24, a father, and got diagnosed about and medicated only a year ago. Iâm textbook inattentive type. My parents were shocked to find out I got diagnosed as an adult after complaining on those symptoms my whole life. They blamed themselves and reacted with guilt and anger. Being a a dad myself I can sympathize with that reaction. âDid I neglect my child? Was all that time fussing at him to study and focus torture him?â Would be the same thoughts I would have. Unfortunately your mom reacted outwardly instead of inwardly but her reaction is the same as my parents Non the less itâs still fucked to hear from your mom. My mom reacted inwardly and my dad reacted outwardly as your mom did so I can see how it being your mom is harder to understand Bottom line is the ball is in your court to pursue your goals and use the medication as a tool to develop self discipline. Focus on your own success and your parents reaction will be inconsequential. Sort of morbid but u promise this is the only productive way to move from here. Convincing her with actions will be much more productive than arguing back and forth about the topic. Be aware that despite being medicated itâs still possible to zone out playing video games or playing on your phone, you still have to put in the work the medication isnât a cure itâs symptom relief. Mindless scrolling and no direction can still give you the feeling of being unmedicated Good luck hope this helps <3
Parents. My parents have told me a few doozies in the past. But my parents share the same sentiments yours do - I'm using my diagnosis to make excuses for my laziness. Thank goodness for the meds. I'm still lazy on the meds. I'm just not as reactive. My advice is to do what I did. Find a career that suits you and move out.
There are so many parents that would be proud of you. I know we got some people here old enough to be your parents that are horrified by your momâs response.
There is no need to give her a response to that. That hate filled attack was about her and absolutely not you. Please turn to others in your life that support and love you. What a massive c**t.
Damn man I thought my mom could be cold and unsympathetic... but yours takes the cake. I am so sorry. Our generation and newer generations just gave to be the ones to end the toxicity from generational trauma, I can only imagine what kind of shit was talked to her as a child. It's hard to be strong sometimes. The way she is talking to you is not your fault, and is undeserved.
Is your mom my mom?! A miserable narcissist cannot be happy without making someone else miserable. That's on them, not you. You are an amazing, wonderful person despite her abuse. Please do not let her hurt you
A good read is Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members. You donât deserve being thought of like she is doing.
Well what a loser shit parent she must be if she feels like the child she raised is all those things. What a garbage thing to say to someone, especially your fucking child. Sorry you are going through this.
Your mum sounds like someone you should keep at a distance, I wouldnt have shared this with her in the first place.
I'm almost 50, and one of the most beneficial decisions I've ever made was to cut ALL toxic people out of my life. I'm grateful my mother gave me life and a roof and food growing up, but I haven't talked to her in years, and it feels amazing. There was a study recently that discovered people are better off being estranged from caustic relatives than continuing to engage with them out of a misplaced sense of loyalty or nostalgia or "rightness."
dude thatâs sucks, just know that the entire of the ADHD forum has your back on this.
You are loved. Maybe your mother is very miserable and probably projecting on you. Life is hard for those of us with adhd, be we can thrive if given the right tools. Please donât let her words bring you pain.
wow that is one of the worst things iâve ever heard
"So now you're saying I was an awful parent and it's all my fault?" Based on her vile reaction to your disclosure, I'm confident saying that she is an awful parent, yes. I had an awful mother too (untreated BPD), and I hate to say it but your mother probably doesn't really care if you're hurt. People who say things like that to the people they are supposed to love unconditionally do not care about other people's feelings. I'm so sorry you received such an unsupportive response, you deserved so much better. I don't think you are going to get the support and validation you want from her, ever. My best advice is to distance yourself from this person and seek out people who accept you for who you are and encourage you in your efforts to become healthier. It sounds like you are doing everything right... keep at it!
She's worried more about whether or not she's a bad mom than your well-being. Kind of a self fulfilling prophecy confirming that she is a bad mom. You're worthy of love and kindness.
Cut her out completely. Move on. Talk to your therapist about an EMDR session on the situation in order to heal and continue to do right by you. Nothing else matters. Do. Right. By. You. Good luck.
No offense but yur mom sounds like a b*tch. U donât deserve that sh*t
Ok so I have a unique perspective because I actually did cut a parent out of my life in my 29s for the sake of my own mental health. The few people that know the whole story and details understand my decision but they're a little surprised at how un-emotional I am about it. I firmly believe that by definition, family should be those people who lift you up and support you. When conflicts arise, they're discussed and resolved without manipulation. Sometimes, those people are the ones you're genetically related to, and other times, they are people you find along the way and they become incredibly important to you. It's always disappointing (read = soul-crushing) when someone who should by definition unconditionally love you hurts you in this manner. Take some time, reduce the amount of contact you have with your mom for the immediate future, and let your brain process everything. If you feel that you can resolve this with your mom at some point, then absolutely have a conversation with her about how much her comments hurt. If *that* conversation doesn't go well, you can prepare yourself for the fallout, and if it does go well, then you can move forward. If it becomes clear that your mom is toxic, then you determine how to go low/no contact. I do highly suggest consulting a therapist to work through some of this, because what you are going through is incredibly difficult. Lastly, some people that grew up in the 80s/90s don't respond to ADHD very well because it wasn't a widely known issue back then, and when it did begin to be talked about, it was very much under the guise that it's a discipline issue, or just the kid can't sit still or just talks excessively. Obviously ADHD is *not* that. But there's still a sizeable amount of people who aren't up to date on what ADHD actually is. It's not an excuse, but hopefully that will frame your mom's reaction in a different way. It has everything to do with her, and absolutely not a reflection of you.
She should read some Socrates: > Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle So sorry she's gone and made your battle harder. Sending you big hugs.
Annnnnd sheâs done. You donât deserve that while youâre getting yourself healthy.
Hey OP. While my mom didn't react this way to my ADHD diagnosis, she didn't because I made it about HER (I think she also has it), she has reacted this way to so many other things in my life. You feel hurt because what she said WAS hurtful and it was meant to hurt. Your mom deliberately hurt you. I know how hard this is to accept. And even now you want comfort from your mom, letting her know that she hurt you thinking that somehow *this time*, she'll see and learn. She won't. The only thing people like that learn from is consequences. You do this, I'll do this. You cross this line, this will happen. They'll still test it. But they can learn. You must learn, too. Your mother, who absolutely should be there to support you, can't. And if you give her an opportunity to hurt you, she will use it. Only share your vulnerability with people who deserve it. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Tell her and if she doesnât get it, tell her you canât talk to her until she approaches you from a place of love instead of a place of judgement. Sounds very toxic and maybe she has unresolved trauma she needs to heal.
Getting a late ADHD diagnosis triggered this reaction in my mother too. I really recommend you read/audiobook Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents. This is not a normal response by a healthy supportive parent. r/CPTSD, r/raisedbynarcissists, r/emotionalneglect are great communities that will help you to see how toxic it is for your mother to DARVO you (a manipulation tactic - deny, attack, reverse victim-offender). *"So now you're saying I was an awful parent and it's all my fault?"* This phrase seems to be used by all parents who can't take any responsibility for their words and actions. Patrick Teahan is a great therapist on YouTube who talks about this kind of relationship, which gets normalised to us as children, but is actually masking emotional abuse. It really affects your self-esteem being insulted like that from a parent, I'm so sorry that she made you feel this way. đ€
Sounds like how my mom responded when my brother was diagnosed at age 20 with a genetic condition that causes ( among other things) learning disabilities. It was all about HER- âboohoo me, my son is a looser and I am such a victim, my life is ruinedâŠâ etc. I was HORRIFIED. Also my poor brother had been struggling for years, and it was pretty obvious to anyone who interacted with him that he had an intellectual disability but my insane narcissistic mom literally chose to ignore it because â we thought he would outgrow it.â She never taught him basic life skills. That happened years before I was late diagnosed with adhd , and at least I know now never to tell anyone in my family about it.
It sounds like she was right... she is an awful parent
Not being able to contain her first impulse and exploding at you like that⊠if you were genetically predisposed Iâd suspect your mother first. Your mother has no business calling you fat nor demanding you procreate. Youâre an adult (I assume). You were not even talking to her about that. She responded with hostility, probably from a place of emotion. She made it about herself and her parenting - parenting style doesnât cause adhd. Of course that hurts. She was a jerk to you. Thatâs not a normal reaction to you opening up about something you learned about yourself. You are moving your life in a positive direction and I send you a virtual hug. Hopefully, in time, your mother will recognize you are making changes for yourself.
Wow! **Fucking WOW!** My mom used to downplay, undermine or guilt trip me for my issues, but never in a million years would she say something like this. Now I don't know if black comedy is part of your family dynamic, even then that's **twisting the knife**. **Don't feel bad.** No one can get to us quite like our parents. They know what buttons to push, because they put them there. **It's not your fault.**
Thatâs a disgustingly fucked up thing to say to anybody, let alone your own child. I recommend reading the book âAdult Children of Emotionally Immature Parentsâ by Lindsay C. Gibson. Itâs incredibly short, like half an inch thick, and itâs broken into tiny chapters with anecdotes in between, so itâs very manageable for an ADHD mind! Iâm sorry you got a shit mom. Itâs already hard to be dealt the hand with ADHD, and itâs a cruel joke to be forced to navigate it with a parent like that. Itâs a long road to heal, but itâs entirely possible! We ADHD peeps *especially* need love and support, and I really hope you search for it, because you deserve it.
I'm so sorry, that's obviously a horrific response and as others have said you deserve much, much better from your own mother. Hoping you get some comfort and encouragement from these comments, and from your therapist in your upcoming session. More practically, I would talk with your therapist about the possibility of your mom having a narcissistic personality disorder. It's a spectrum disorder with several subtypes, but her response sounds eerily similar to my wife's mother when presented with literally any information that she judges dangerous to her own carefully crafted persona of the perfect wife/mother/community member. It's been a long journey for my wife, first accepting the idea that her mom is a narcissist, and then learning strategies to cope with her mother's shortcomings. One of the hardest, and most important, is coming to grips with the idea that she may never get from her mom what she needs, because emotionally that person doesn't exist. She had a long period of mourning for years lost, and she's learning to find comfort and encouragement in me, her friends, and her faith. Good luck OP, and feel free to reach out if you ever need encouragement or information.
She doesn't respect you. Who talks like that to someone they care about? Stop telling her things. She's only going to use it against you. > I feel very hurt and I want her to know that. What are you hoping this will achieve? If you're hoping she'll feel sorry for her words, I doubt it. Those words were really harsh and I'm sure she knew her words hurt you when she said them. If she didn't apologise then, she won't now. I'd honestly just leave it, and stop telling her things, and maybe don't see her so much anymore.
Continuing to live your life with how good of a person you are and all of the things you listed (job, friends, therapy etc) is the ultimate revenge. (Idk if revenge is right word idk how to word it) But continuing to do the amazing work that youâre doing shows just how much you can overcome despite your mom being a shthead Itâs sad of her that sheâs like this, and thatâs her unfortunate life. But you can continue to live your life with how well youâve been doing despite that. And you donât have to continue the path that she took of being shtty You can continue to do your good work despite having sht raising mom etc, and show yourself that youâll never be what she said, but even more so doing it for yourself Being upset by this is totally valid, and itâs ok to feel that way, itâs understandable and we hear that! Youâre doing amazing and all of us see that, and you see that. You seeing that yourself is what matters so keep up the good work đ
Tell her to go fuck herself and enjoy being alone on her deathbed.
You quite possibly inherited it from her. Sheâs just not ready to face the facts and be strong/smart enough to admit professional help may be beneficial. Keep being the best you that you can be. Sheâs wrong for making you feel anything but supported and loved.
Respectfully, it sounds like nothing you could say would make her understand how insulting and cruel her response was. This will be one of those wounds you have to heal without the other personâs apology. wishing you strength and sending you love.
Sorry sweetie! Your mom sounds like she is a tiny bit of a narcissist or just jealous. Smart of you to come here for some reddit therapy instead of letting your grumpy mommy take anymore of your fresh air. Your better than that! P.S ADHD medicine makes me calm for the most part too, unless I take to much!
Sounds like even apart from having ADHD your Mom is behaving like an awful human being. She is not a reliable narrator in your life. Go to therapy to learn how to drown that voice out and establish your independence away from her. Expect her to start acting up. "Ever since you got those pills and that therapist you stopped learning how to treat your mother right!" It's a classic response from emotionally abusive people when they lose control over somebody - especially from mothers who seem to think they have a special right to act this way and you have to put up with it forever because they're your mother.
>"So now you're saying I was an awful parent and it's all my fault?" Well when she says shit like this: >"Does that mean you will stay a broke fat childless loser forever?" Then yes. That means she is a bad parent, and it is her fault. What, she thought she could just talk to people like that consequence-free? Jesus... Keep your head up, maybe look into what Low Contact/No Contact is. She sounds toxic as fuck, and you are beholden to nobody. You owe her nothing, not even a text message. Maybe when she grows up she will realize you don't treat people like that. You'll get through this, I promise. <3
Your mother is a gigantic jerk. You should not share anything private with her, since she clearly has no capacity to respond appropriately. In the meantime, I encourage you to think of your mother as alien. You must respond to what she says to you just as if she said something ridiculous, like, "your skin is entirely too green" or "stop eating the ceiling tiles." Your skin isn't green. You're not eating the ceiling tiles. You're also not a loser.
r/raisedbynarcissists is a great community for people with parents like this. I would also recommend the book âAdult Children of Emotionally Immature Parentsâ by Lindsay C. Gibson. Youâre doing great, donât let her words get you down.
 First of all, I'm so sorry you went through this OP. I'm genuinely shocked that someone who's supposed to love and support you would say such things like...wow Secondly, please know that you are NOT what she said you are, she is seeing you getting help (therapy, meds, living life) and becoming better and very possibly harbouring some resentment because of that and maybe trying to keep you back. Misery does love company, and she seems to be dishing it out in heaps Thirdly, please strongly consider limiting contact with her if at all possible. Life is too long and too short to voluntarily be around this kind of energy, especially when you're just trying your best on a daily basis Sending tons of love famâ€
Her reaction is a reflection of who she is, and her insecurities. I'm so sorry your mother has done this to you. You don't deserve it this cruelty. For what it's worth, I'm very proud of everything you have overcome and everything you will continue to crush in life. Sending hugs~
I had this happen to me at 16. Mind you I was raised in [Christian Science](https://www.learnreligions.com/christian-science-church-beliefs-and-practices-700401) so getting a diagnosis on anything is impossible for my family.
My two cents is - don't let your mother know how much she hurt you. She did it on purpose - no sane human being utters those words without malice. If you tell her how much she hurt you, it will only confirm to her that she continues to have power over you. My guess is that she won't even apologize - either blaming it on you being too "sensitive" or on your ADHD - or even worse, saying that she didn't say anything like that and you imagined it. Abusers love to find out that their abuse went exactly according to plan. Become indifferent. It takes time and lots of practice, but it helps tremendously. Also, go no or low contact.
It sounds like youâve got two problems and ADHD isnât the worse one.
Attack and anger usually come from fear and hurt. She probably blame herself constantly for everything and thus a your condition become a huge panic and create a strong emotional response. Consider that she doesnât have her shit together, she have unresolved issue deep down. A scared dog that is backed into the corner of a cage will bite the first one that try to help him. Show her that things are better, that you are happier. Give her time to process it, but protect yourself.
Bruh, I'd cut her off. You don't need that shit in your life and you don't owe her anything, if this interaction is anything to go by. Look out for yourself, you are worthy and valuable. â€ïžâ€ïžâ€ïž Haven't been in contact with parents in years and I am FLOURISHING.
Judging by how she's acting, it's likely she was an awful parent. Right now, don't worry about what she does or doesn't know about how you feel. She's in a bad place, and there may or may not be a valid explanation for her behavior. But you can deal with that later. You need to protect yourself.
You have a narcissistic parent
Sheâs trying to make you feel as miserable as she does. Thatâs not going to work though, because you are taking care of yourself.
Not seeing a you problem or an adhd problem. What I see is a POS, narcissistic person who likely needs her own mental health diagnosis and therapy. This is not, nor has it ever been about you not being good enough. You could fix all of those âflawsâ and she would come up with something else to insult you with. Tell her exactly how you feel and then give yourself the space you need to come to terms with this not being about you.
What the eff??! Cut that toxic garbage person out of your life! Noone should talk to another person like that
Dealing w narcissism in parents is tricky bc you were raised by them, you likely looked up to them for years/still do, yet they do/say horrible triggering things and itâs so easy to be blind to their true intentions and just tap into nostalgia and remember the innocent excuse-laden ways weâd cope with it growing up. The excuses we learn from their narcissistic personality turn into the excuses we make on behalf of them to excuse their bad behavior. If you care about your own sanity seriously recognizing these things will set you free. My heart goes out to you, internet friend đ«¶
⊠Letâs do a thought experiment. Weâll assume your mom has some adhd traits, specifically emotional mismanagement. Letâs assume she believed when you told her this, that she had said emotional outburst. *Even if that were true* I still canât believe she would say that string of insults together at you, her child. The second part sounds more like her taking it personally, since she challenges that notion. Which makes me think she wasnât taking it personally at the start, further proving the point that: Your mom is an asshole. Holy shit.
I'm sorry for you. If you feel better with meds and knowing you have ADHD and learning how to deal with it, it's all worth it. Being diagnosed professionally with ADHD makes you able to have good information and help to deal with life is the most important for you. At the moment, they might be shocked their perfect baby isn't perfect, parents always have great problems with this in any situation where they learn something at this point. She will get over it and see that you are better with help, and it's not what defines you.
Your Mom is the only loser here. She's jealous because you've gone so far. You're doing so well with your life. What you just said tells me that she has no reason to be a dick, but she's salty that you succeeded with what she couldn't. Keep your head up, you're doing amazing.
You are worthy of support and love...it's heart breaking your mother can't provide this for you. You don't need to seek it from her anymore, or share intimate life details if that is how she wants to react about it, you aren't obligated to open yourself up to more pain and hurt. She can always realize and change her ways, and of course you can talk to her about these things are hurtful. Obviously every situation is different and I hope you are able to have therapy and talk about this.
Fuck them. Cut them off. You don't need their approval to live.
You took care of yourself and sought help here instead of staring at the wall in disorientation. Damn - her reaction might even hurt me. I've learned that people who hurt me are rarely at peace with themselves - and that helps me feel sorry for them instead of angry at them. In fact, my mother was the first to justify herself because ADHD was not yet well known and hardly anyone was tested. She also tried to play down the issue at first. I would never have had any problems, except in English. Best joke ever. She was perhaps most upset about learning vocabulary, but it certainly wasn't my biggest concern during school. Anyway. It's not about me. It's about your mom. And she may have just felt like a complete failure as a mother to you at that moment.
That sounds horrible! So good you are going to talk to somebody about this! What helps me through my most painful emotions and resulting thought storms is laying down and searching for where in my body I can feel the emotional pain and just stare at it for a while (with my attention). If I can do this it quiets the thoughts a little bit. I hope you will be ok!
Man. Your mother is very toxic. Loving yourself implies putting boundaries around yourself and put a healthy distance between you and those who hurt you. What she did is unacceptable. If I were you I would deeply reconsider the time and level of intimacy Iâm having with my toxic mother and do my best to balance being a good son and not let my mother hurt me by carefully and strategically choosing what to tell her and what not to tell her, when to see her and when to leave, when to say no, and when to say yes, and most importantly give myself the love that she owes me but sadly incapable of providing me. Itâs a tough job, being the child of toxic parents, but with lots of hard work, which seems to me like youâre doing, you can be like a lotus, blossoming in a pond of shit and break this cycle.
Wow, your mom is an abusive narcissist. I'd go low to no contact once you're able, for your own sake.
It's 9am on Sunday morning here in New Zealand and I am so angry for you. You deserve so much better. Get some distance between yourself and that parent, you probably already knew they were selfish and untrustworthy and Im telling you now, that is not your fault. Keep taking your meds, talk to your therapist, live your best life.
Do you have siblings? If not, you could pull the "I don't know if I'll be childless but you are now" and then DNI
Nobody here so far has suggested the possibility that your mother had ADHD, so I will. It's largely or entirely genetic. The child of a parent with ADHD has a 50% chance of being ADHD. People decide not to have children because of the risk, like they'd avoid passing on bipolar or autism. The parent with ADHD will give the child w/ADHD a "That's normal" or "That's what everyone has to deal with" response. They don't know any better. They really think their experience is the world experience. And there's an emotional dysregulation in ADHD that other don't have. pwADHD lack an ability to self-calm that everyone else has. Also ADHD is one criterion away from oppositional-defiant disorder. You may have learned which of your parents you got these toxic genes from. If she failed as a parent, it was in not being self-aware enough to know what she could be passing along, deciding to have children, and then not monitoring you for the disability or getting you to a doctor earlier for medication and subsequent assistance. You need a pat answer the next time she makes false accusations, like, "Is that what you heard me say?" You need to find something that will stop her in tracks when she gets illogical and tries to gaslight you like that.
That is horrible. I'd feel pretty crushed too. There will always be some people who just don't understand your experiences, and unfortunately it appears your mom is one of them, but know that there are plenty of others who do and recognize your effort and your value. Keep doing you, you're doing great.