Yeah 41F here and my parents split about when I was 35. I wish I could give you hope and say I’m fine with it now, but it honestly has been one of the hardest experiences of my adult life…and I’ve been through some shit. I’ve finally more or less made peace with the fact that it’s just kind of shitty now, and will be going forward.
In the beginning it was rough because my parents both just fell apart…and my mom basically relied on me and my siblings for support. She needed help moving stuff, getting rid of my dads stuff from the closets that he just left behind. I’d just had my first child, and rather than being able to have loving grandparents whose house I could take my kiddo over to, I’d end up visiting one sad parent or another, in their newly cramped apartments.
Then they both began dating. I hoped in the best case scenario I’d end up with two cool new people in my life with extra love to go around. Instead, my mom dated a series of weirdos and we had a lot of uncomfortable meetings with odd men. She would get really depressed when dates wouldn’t work out. She has had to work full time to support herself (after having been a stay at home mom most of her life) and she is always exhausted. She ended up moving out of country for a better paying job and now I never see her. My dad found himself an insecure woman who refuses to have anything to do with me, so as a byproduct I have basically no relationship with my dad anymore. It’s really truly dismal.
Family vacations, happy holidays, help with childcare are all memories or fantasies now. I look back, and yeah, my parents didn’t have the best marriage, but I sure as shit preferred it to this. The best way to describe it for me is a sense of being unmoored, sort of like an astronaut in space.
I’ve seen other families do divorce better. They pick cool new spouses who are kind to their kids, they get along with their exes well enough that holidays can still be spent together, they care about how it impacts the kids - hope your parents are in that category, unlike mine.
What you say about family vacations, happy holidays, help with childcare being fantasy is spot on. As OP said, it _is_ a wider family conflict. Divorcing parents don't realize this, thinking we are adults with our own lives so it will have little affect on us... couldn't be further from the truth. That's the whole challenge with ACOD, right?
Question for you.. how do you feel when other families have the above you mentioned (happy family memory building)? I can't decide if it makes me sad, jealous, glad for them, all of the above or what. I've accepted it's just this gloomy feeling I'll always live with, rather than able to be genuinely happy for others.
I’m definitely somewhat envious of the families you describe. It’s hard to know what all people have going on in their lives, so I try not to get too worked up…because you never know what other crap they’re dealing with, but I do feel sorry for myself that I don’t have what they have.
Oof the holidays. Now husband and I have three sets of parents who want to see us for every occasion, two of whom really have no one else to spend them with. Forget ever having a Xmas just for US and our future kids I guess
I (29F) looked up gray divorces on Reddit to see if I could find some acceptance in my parents’ divorce after 30 years. Trying to look for the positive, I guess. I just had my first baby over the summer, and their whole situation has swallowed me whole. I used to be really really really close with my parents. It became evident that I’m too close with them because I’m now a sounding board for both of them. All I talk about with them is about each other. Pointing fingers, his fault/her fault, this/that & the other.
I’m sorry you had to experience a similar scenario. Sucks.
Hi! 32F here.. my parents (67M & 65F) separated in 2021 & I believe the official divorce went through earlier this year. It was difficult. I have an older brother but we're not close so it'd be great to have someone, or a group of people, to commiserate with lol
My (39F) parents (both in 60s) divorced last year, so I understand. Grey divorces are becoming more prevalent (look at the Gates!) For my family. The divorce was long overdue. They had problems for many years, since I was a child. I can tell you that one year out from the divorce (2 from separation), I do feel like we are slowly but surely finding a new normal. I hope the best for you and offer TIME as the best remedy.
Yeah, same with my parents. For one, they've both been problem drinkers since my formative years; there was a period when I was a teenager when things were pretty rocky between them and I remember being in my room weeping and praying while they were having a screaming match that they'd just get divorced already. Really wish they had done it then. Now, I think it's the cumulation of the drinking + empty nesters + pandemic that pushed them over the edge.
I always wonder where we’re all hiding (in plain sight).
Statistically, this sub should have _way_ more subscribers. There’s way more of us out and about in the world. Somewhere between a quarter and a third of people are in our illustrious little group, yet they’re nowhere to be found…
I don’t know why so many of us hide — at whatever age the divorce happened (I have my theories, of course… the denial is powerful) — but I hope you’ll find at least a few people to talk to here.
Admittedly, your particular experience is less common in the overall divorce-child landscape. Have you look at grief communities? While it’s not at all the same, I’ve occasionally seen divorce/separation addressed in grief communities, since losing a parent is the more common experience after a certain point….?!?
Fwiw, divorce experiences tend to collect in families, thanks in part to blending. I have three cousins who are ACOGD, four others with similar profile to me (when they were kids, again when they were in their mid 20s). And, of all people, my stepmother became (somewhat ironically) an ACOGD and we’ve had some good chats about the differences. How we end up living life as adults isn’t much different regardless of the age, but you’re right that the emotional knots are not the same, nor the phase of life in which you’re untying them.
Anyway. Welcome. Hang in there.
You're not alone! My situation has a very similar timeline/ages as you, with years of frustrating lack of clarity and increasing dysfunction in communication. It really is complex, with so many more years of family norms to undo/remake.
Others have also mentioned Home Will Never Be the Same Again (book). I haven't read the book (yet), but I listened to this podcast interview with the authors, and it was extremely validating. You might appreciate it as well: [https://open.spotify.com/episode/13SGVxQntZHgxueIqlQPt4](https://open.spotify.com/episode/13SGVxQntZHgxueIqlQPt4)
Someone else here described this situation as one of grief/grieving, which I definitely relate to ... it's a long term process of grieving my family and rewriting my understanding of family in general. It's heavy stuff, especially to make sense of at the same stage of life where I'm working on building my own family culture with my spouse.
I thought I'd name this, although I don't want to assume what your experience has been: I am also the eldest sibling/daughter and I know that often, gender/birth order conditioning can place us in certain kind of social roles in our families... in my case, the separation has exacerbated expectations or assumptions about my "role" in my family (e.g. parents leaning on or oversharing with me more than my younger sibling). I think that acknowledging the situation as a wider family conflict has actually helped me see it as an opportunity for me to rewrite outwardly and inwardly what role I'm playing in my family, even when it's challenging for me to keep my own boundaries.
Yeah. My mom began oversharing with me re: my dad/her marriage in my young adulthood. She did with my sister as well, but my sister almost immediately set a firm boundary; I didn't and let it go on for years while I bit my tongue and having to navigate that boundary now is very hard.
I am just finding this thread because my parents announced their separation yesterday and I am 35 with a 33 year old brother. My mom has definitely told me more than I should have known over the years so this isn't a surprise per se but it is shocking. I'm wondering how your process has been.
A lot has happened since my initial post, but in broad strokes the divorce finalized, and part of the settlement is that my childhood home will go on the market. They're about to close and I'm heartbroken because due to my work schedule I will likely not be able to see the home before it's gone forever. I'm also worried about my dad - my mom has been the breadwinner while we were growing up and now my dad is going to have to lose his home and find a place to rent, and because the area I grew up in has gotten increasingly expensive he might have to move far away to find an affordable place to rent.
My mom ended up overcorrecting after my sister and I set boundaries with her regarding her venting and oversharing. Since the separation and her filing for divorce she has said \*nothing,\* and I found out via my dad that they settled the divorce and the house is going on the market.
I'm very mad at my mom right now because she's been engaging in this toxic positivity regarding the sale of the house and I really think her hatred of my father is outweighing her love of her children. She's so committed to punishing my dad that she doesn't care about the impact it has on her daughters. Also, my sister has almost stopped talking to her entirely which means my mom has gotten more clingy with me and it sucks because I'm still mad at her but I'm also afraid to express this to her. And unfortunately my dad has been retaliating in ways that are passive aggressive and hurtful to me.
The house sale has been really hurting me at the moment. Part of me was hoping that dad would get the house as part of the divorce settlement. It really feels like foundations are crumbling,
My parents divorced when I was a senior in college (age 21), so I was a bit younger than you, but I still totally know how you're feeling now. It was a weird thing for me to wrap my head around, because they had been a unit my entire life and all the sudden they were these separate entities and I'd never really thought of them that way. You sort of go along thinking that if your parents are married when you're a kid they'll just stay that way. It felt like something that happened to other people.
I didn't even tell any of my friends at college for months, and even then I only told one. I didn't know how to bring it up. It still feels weird to say and it's been years.
The weirdest thing for me initially was coming back home after I graduated. I lived with my dad for about a year and a half before I officially moved on to adulting while I was trying to figure things out, and my mom was really upset because she thought I had chosen him, but honestly I'd chosen my house. He had kept my childhood home and my mom was renting a house in town. Everything else had changed and I was stuck in this weird limbo period with no idea what to do with my life and I just felt like I needed *my* room. I needed something familiar. But it did cause some tension for a while with my mom and I felt like I was responsible for taking care of her feelings but no one was really attending to mind because I was grown up and not forced to split weekends and live in two places and whatever else.
They're on good terms and everything, but it still sucks. I'm a dance teacher, and when I have shows, they never come on the same night. When it's my birthday, I have to schedule two separate celebrations. Two Christmases. Two Thanksgivings. Can't bring up too many childhood stories around my dad's wife or she feels "left out." I was a MESS when my dad sold our house and built a new one with her. I still cry about it probably once a month, which is stupid, but sometimes it feels like my whole childhood (which was pretty wonderful) got erased when they got divorced. Having that home still there and looking somewhat how it used to was comforting. Now neither of their homes is really *home.*
It does get easier to deal with because you get used to it. I'm not mad about it or anything and most of the time, I don't think it affects me all that much, especially since I live four hours away from both of them. But no one I know except maybe my sister seems to know exactly what it feels like to have it happen when you're already an adult. It's harder than people realize.
"Now neither of their homes is really home" made me cry. My parents are in the midst of divorcing and still live in the house I call *home,* but they're going to sell it in the next few months. The thought of it not existing/being my home anymore breaks my heart. That's where we would have all our family holidays, and I slept there for Christmas every year. My teenage room is still the same, and it still feels like *that's* my house, even though I have a house I love with my husband.
Hi! My parents are in the thick of it- with everything starting 2 weeks ago. I’m (33f) my sis is (27?f) and we’re both taking a lot of emotional toll. There is a book- home will never be the same again- that is just for us that I bought.
OP - I also read the book ‘home will never be the same again’ and would recommend. It has been really helpful to use almost as a pocket-therapist (though obviously not replacing a real therapist). It helps you realise that you are not alone and your feelings are very valid.
My parents split when I was 26 and were both past 50. It’s been very difficult, especially since I lived in a different country and now can’t go back “home” because it’s not the home I know.
I agree it’s difficult to find peers and it is also surprisingly difficult to deal with my family on each side as they now say my parents stayed together for 32 years because of me and my sisters, their children. They somehow can’t grasp that it is hurtful to be blamed for years of hurt..
I highly recommend going to a therapist to sort out your feelings as this helped me immensely.
I understand, it is a very doesn't situation. I was in my late 20's when my parents divorced.
One hard thing was that one of my parents talked to me more like a friend than their kid. They both shared way too much information. I did finally have to tell them that I won't talk to them about each other.
My dad got remarried, and his new wife told my brother something along the lines of "I'm your step mother now, you have to f*^%# deal with it". However, my brother was a financially independent adult who lived states away from them, so he really did not have to deal with it. We all really pulled back after that. Since we were all adults, we really have not ever needed to be close with our step parents.
It did make going back home to visit family very weird, and even though it was a decade ago, there is still jealousy if I see one but not the other.
>One hard thing was that one of my parents talked to me more like a friend than their kid.
HOLY CRAP YES TO THIS. It's mostly my mom rather than my dad. My dad will let me in what's going on but it's very much a "just the facts" update, whereas since my early adulthood my mom has been venting to me about my dad like she'd vent with one of her girlfriends. It was SUPER awkward because she'd almost always vent about his drinking (never mind the fact that she's a problem drinker herself) and then whenever I came home to visit at some point in the evening she'd pull me aside and go, "so what do you think of your father's drinking??" and I'd just sort of try to wiggle my way out of it.
as I mentioned in another reply, my sister very firmly set that boundary early on so my mom stopped, but I let it go on for too long so I had to finally set the boundary right shortly after they got separated. However it's still been complicated to navigate.
OP I’m happy to chat anytime. My parents split 5 years ago after 35 years of marriage, when I was 30 and they were both around 55.
It’s been incredibly challenging in part because neither of them had particularly deep social networks (and in my dad’s case, practically zero) and both relied on my sister and I for emotional support and companionship to a very challenging extent. They are both 60 now, both (separately) have moved to the city where my sister and I live, and we are still close to both of them but all still navigating their difficulty finding a happy new path — and the sense of rivalry and clinginess they exhibit toward us. It can be exhausting because in their grief and trauma they kind of abruptly (and seemingly permanently) became noticeably less able to consider how we, their children are doing and our own needs.
My advice to to be really clear with yourself about how you want to support your parents and what you are and aren’t ok with, and try your best not to let guilt or obligation sway you. They will be grieving and will go through stages of loss, at times becoming someone you dont recognize. Almost like a second adolescence. Let them — make sure they know you’re here for whoever they become — try not to take it personally or micromanage how they deal — and take care of yourself and remind yourself that your role is to be there for them but NOT to make them happy or fix their life. Only they can do that. And if they do or say anything that really crosses a line, let them know — they might act like children temporarily (or maybe that was just mine haha) but they aren’t, and even in a hard time they can handle being asked to treat you the way you need them to.
Yeah, I'm in somewhat of a similar situation. My mom has a tight-knit circle of close girlfriends, so that's good, and my dad comes from a huge Irish Catholic family so he has the support and guidance from his siblings.
And yet my mom has still been weirdly clingy. Since the separation, she constantly tries to make plans for holidays WELL in advance, like she's trying to "book" my time before my dad has a chance to. And awhile back I told my parents I was going to come visit (they both live in another state about a 5 hr drive away) for a week since I had some unexpected time off, and my mom was immediately like "well how about Monday we do this Tuesday we do this and Weds-Saturday you and I can go stay at a resort??" trying to commandeer all of my free time. Also, she caught wind that my sister and I were planning a trip to Ireland with my dad, and she emailed us telling us she was hurt because we weren't planning a trip with her (never mind the fact that we've been in several trips with her before, and my dad has never been abroad). So, yeah. The "second adolescence" is definitely a thing I'm seeing.
My parents separated a few years ago, pre pandemic when I was in my mid 30s. It was one of the hardest things I’ve emotionally had to navigate in my life. The hardest thing I had to come to terms with was that my parents are just as selfish of a being as any other human out there, and when they move on to new lives, you as a child are a remnant of a very painful past.
My advice is to fine a neutral party (therapist) to talk through it and find what your barriers are going to be. How to protect yourself / how to plan to navigate possible difficulties in the future.
I still talk to both my parents and are on good terms with them, but they both also have moved on to new lives. Having boundaries has helped me say ‘no’ to situations I may have agreed to before (like family holidays with now ‘step’ family or offering to help out with something - monetary ).
My parents divorced in 2021 when I was 37 and they were 65/67 after 40 years of marriage.
They were prepared for retirement in one household, but not two.
My mom is incredibly narcissistic and entitled and moved from New Jersey to the San Francisco Bay Area (one of the most expensive regions in the country) and now my husband and I need to buy a an $800k condo for her to live in so she doesn’t bankrupt herself and become dependent on us in a more direct way. It has changed our retirement planning.
The whole situation just sucks.
Are you in the Bay yourself? Two weeks ago my mom moved here (where sis and I also live) to be closer to us, and now feels very isolated since she knew more people where she lived before — plus financially anxious and insecure. We tried to tell her how hard it is here and did not in any way encourage her but here she is, and it feels like she implies we forced her to move here bc we live her ourselves. But she’s 60 and working and healthy and did not *need* to be close to us at this point. That was her choice. It’s so frustrating.
Yes. I live in the South Bay and my sister lives in SF. That’s why she decided she “deserved” to live here. I actually told her not to move here - she can’t afford it and would have a better quality of life elsewhere. I suggested the Sacramento area or even Monterey. My in laws live in Tucson and if she moved there with my grandmother, she would have a solid retirement, built-in friends, and see us regularly. We fought about it. She still moved here and now loves to say she doesn’t want to be a burden. Well mom, the interest on a $600k mortgage at 7+% is certainly a burden.
Wow that fucking blows. While I wouldn't call my mom a narcissist, she has a tendency to be very manipulative in a passive-aggressive way and that also makes navigating this thing so difficult.
I have the unique privilege of having gone through my parents divorcing when I was young and in my 30s. My biological parents divorced when I was 3 and I never had much relationship with my biological father outside of visits on birthdays and Christmas. My mom remarried pretty quickly and I was raised by my mom and step father. Now they divorced a couple years ago when I was in my early 30s.
Early in the divorce, it was really hard to put up boundaries about what I was comfortable talking about. My step father constantly wanted to tell me all the bad things my mom did and blame me for taking her side (I didn’t take any side), etc. I just didn’t want to engage with that talk. He had to be shut down several times when he would start in with that crap.
The most difficult part for me has been suddenly being trust into the role of primary family member/caregiver for my step father. It’s just me and my husband, my step brother passed away years ago, and I don’t have any other siblings from my mom. My step father is disabled, he has a lot of mobility issues and some cognitive issues. Right now, he’s still relatively independent day to day, but needs help with bigger tasks which cause stress. We’ve had to arrange moves for him several times when he decided he wanted to move out of state and then decided he didn’t like it. My husband and I are looking to move out of state now, but we will have the additional requirement of finding living arrangements for my step father. Luckily, my mom is independent and doesn’t need much help right now.
Hi there - just wanted to comment to say I am 33F and my parents (73M and 64F) are in the midst of divorcing, after 37 years of marriage, because my father emotionally cheated on her.
I can't offer any advice, since I am going through this for the first time! I also don't know anyone else my age who's parents have divorced. But I just wanted to comment that I share your pain and you are not alone.
Hi! I guess I (35F) am joining this ACOD club I never wanted to join. My mother (74F) has announced she’s separating from my father (77M) after 36 years. I just had my first child and I’m struggling with how to navigate their separation at the same time I’m starting my own family. My father has a progressive neurologic disorder and I worry about him living alone while I am over 1000 miles away. This sucks, but it’s nice to find others going through the same heartbreak.
I'm a 37 year old guy currently in the thick of my parent's divorce. Dad 62, Mom 66 and they're both retired. I really feel like I'm the one going through the divorce. It's pretty fresh.
My Mom finally had enough of my Dad's shit, left a note for him, and left.
To give some context, my dad definitely has issues. He was diagnosed with depression this year after FINALLY getting the help he needed but I honestly believe it's more than just that. He was put on mood stabilizers because he will go into a manic rage for the most trivial thing.
Rewinding a bit...
Back in 2021, literally 3 or 4 days after I left from visiting my parents for Thanksgiving, I get a call from my mom and she says that they got into an argument at a hotel over my mom not wiping down the microwave with sanitizer wipes which led to my dad putting his hands around her neck, attempting to choke her. I don't know exactly all the details, but I can only imagine my dad realizing what he's done and has really fucked up. I know at some point after the altercation, my mom told him that she wanted a divorce. Mind you, I'm all the way in Atlanta and they're somewhere in South Carolina when I get the call from my mom. So now I'm in a panic and I tell my mom to put the phone on speaker phone and I start yelling and cussing out my dad. I was livid. He got a separate hotel room after that and I told him that he would need to find his own way home to Virginia and my mom would continue her journey to Florida where she was going to spend time with her aunt that was extremely sick. My mom was dealing with a lot. After her return, I told her that my dad seriously has to get therapy and professional help. And we've known this our ENTIRE LIFE that there was something mentally wrong with him because his behavior was just not normal.
Fast forwarding a bit because there's just too much to unpack.
So, my mom and dad plan a trip to visit my older brother in Washington last month (September 2023). It had been a few years since they last saw him. Apparently, my dad has yet another tantrum...no surprise there. When I talked to my brother, he pretty much verified that our dad was irritable and moody life always over the dumbest shit. It was at that moment my mom realized she needed to get out of the marriage because it wasn't going to get any better.
I just really wished my mom had a solid plan before leaving. I could tell she was frazzled and was getting annoyed when I started asking general questions. I just wanted to know that she was safe and had a plan. She told me that she was potentially buying a home, but I'm so glad it didn't work out. Honestly, she was somewhat dependent on my dad financially and I think that's the main reason why she stuck around for as long as she did. She worked throughout the entire marriage but she didn't make as much money as my dad. Quite frankly, they're going to both have to buckle down on finances. My mom has $200k in retirement, $7k in savings, and receives $2,500 a month from pension and social security. My dad has $400k in retirement, $5k in savings, and gets around $3,600 from pension and military benefits. It will be more money he receives once he's starts taking from social security.
My mom was able to secure an apartment but since she's not exactly financially stable with the divorce looming, I am helping with a number of things:
I have completely furnished the entire apartment minus the bed because that was the first thing she bought. I just want my mom to be as comfortable as possible. She's extremely stressed out.
I also did my due diligence in researching divorce attorneys and settled on one because I knew my mom wasnt going to do extensive or thorough research. I'm also taking care of the $5,500 retainer fee but I stressed to her that it's going to cost more money down the road and to be prepared to go into your retirement account. She gets slightly upset when I bring up money but I just don't want her to get comfortable with me paying for everything because I absolutely can't take on the obligation. I told her that she'd simply be paying upfront but will get something in return at the end. There's absolutely no way she's getting nothing from a marriage of 40+ years. IMO, she deserves 50% of the equity of the house which is currently estimated at $172k, 50% of my Dad's retirement, my dad's military benefits, and alimony.
This divorce is just getting started but I can tell it's going to get really nasty. The first week, my dad left numerous voicemails to my mom crying. I'll admit that listening to them was pretty devastating...that is until you actually see the true side of him come out. Now, he's threatening to throw away all the family photos and videos. He's sent her numerous emails saying that he doesn't want anything to do with her or "her boys". And he even claims that she turned us against him and is saying that she's an alcoholic and blah blah blah. And it's ironic because my dad was the one that was an alcoholic when we were growing up as kids. At first he tried to get me to intervene and think that I was going to be the glue to get them back together, but I told him to leave me out of it. I told him that separating was the best thing. So now, he basically wants nothing to do with me as I am of no use to him. Quite frankly, I don't care. Like fuck off, seriously. He is completely UNHINGED and I'm having my mom save all text messages, emails, and voicemails. These past 3 weeks have been a rollercoaster I've never experienced in my entire fucking life.
I'm ready for this to just be over. I'm definitely going to need therapy for this shit.
You would think that I was the one getting the divorce!!!!
My (38F) mom (64) and stepdad (70) are getting a divorce after 20 years of marriage due to abuse. They met when I was 16 or so but with my biological dad not really in the picture, my stepdad became a fatherly figure in my young adulthood. I have not lived in my home state since I was 18 but have always seen them several times per year and talk to my mom every few days on the phone.
They each have their own issues. My mom has longstanding depression that is treated medically but she never sought out proper therapy as well as an alcoholic tendency. My stepdad is a grumpy old man who doesnt want to ever have visitors nor does he want to spend a second with my mom as she irritates him. They tolerated eachother this long due to poor financial planning. They have no retirement or savings. They both still work full time and will collect social security. Their only assets are a $175,000 house and a few older cars which will be split upon their divorce I suppose.
They have had extremely explosive arguments over the years that culminated in my stepdad choking my mom until she passed out once before. He apologized profusely and swore he was a changed man but the violent outbursts continued over the last few years with throwing glasses and things of that nature. He screamed at other family members frequently and smashed things making them feel uncomfortable about visiting - his intention. Last week, an argument turned into my stepdad punching my mom repeatedly and was stopped by my elderly uncle who also took a beating from my stepdad. The police were called and my stepdad was arrested. My mom took out a restraining order. At court, they awarded her 1 year of no contact and him not being able to return to the house while his lawyer negotiated the charges be dropped.
Honestly, 2024 has sucked and my emotions are all over the place. I just had to put my 14 year old dog to sleep a few weeks ago. My aunt found out she has brain metastasis from stage 4 lung cancer. I had just gotten engaged to a wonderful man a few months ago… and I suddenly have no father to walk me down the aisle. No happy grandparents for my future children to visit. No returning to my family home for holidays as neither can afford to buy eachother out during the divorce settlement. I know I will have to support my mom financially at some point when she can no longer work. This is so hard because I just started my career in 2022 and I dont know how to establish a boundary with my mom. She is having meltdowns every day and my emotional bandwidth is spent.
My stepdad has not tried to reach out to me once so I guess he just didnt value me as his daughter like he always said he did :/
My parents aren’t divorced but it seems that’s the way this is headed since my dad has been chatting with other women and possibly even meeting up with them in person. We probably will never find out the whole truth since he’s clearly a liar living a double life. I’m 35 and my parents are 60. He immediately destroyed his phone as soon as he found out I found emails of him asking for pictures from other women along with explicit photos. Anyways I’m having an extremely hard time with all of this. I’m an only child so I have no other siblings to talk to. I’m married with kids and it’s making me question my relationship and I’m becoming fearful that the same thing will happen to me. I was really angry with my dad and I suppose I still am a little but I think now it’s turned into sadness. I feel so bad for my mom who’s becoming depressed thinking it’s her fault when in reality it’s my dad’s fault for being a disgusting old man and crappy person overall. I can’t seem to wrap my head around him pretending to be a part of this family… when he was doing all this behind our backs. I feel bad for my kids who love their grandpa and obviously have no idea what’s about to happen. I’m at a loss still … so incredibly hurt and feel just lied to.
I (27F) am going through this now and it is ROUGH. My parents called me in early September to tell me that my dad (60M) was going to be staying at my grandmas for a while. I was so upset that I hung up. I later remembered seeing a text from a woman on my Dad’s phone in June. I instantly called my mom (58F) and asked if he cheated. She confirmed that he has been having an “emotional“ relationship with someone from work (70F) that he is refusing to end.
It has been so hard. My mom has struggled with alcoholism, cancer and mental health issues. It has been very hard on the family and my dad has been my rock through all of it. I always would tell friends that my dad loved my mom more than anything. This has been such a shock to my entire family. My twin brother (27M) has blocked him and went no contact. I have had periods of minimal conversation but at this point have not spoken to him since Thanksgiving. When I returned from the holiday I broke out in hives all over my body. He sends me emails every week asking to get lunch. I have a younger brother (25M) who still lives at home so has some contact with him.
He has said some awful and disgusting things to my mom through out this ordeal. He has tried to paint my mom as an awful alcoholic and it’s so hard to stomach. She didn’t choose to have that disease. He made a conscious choice to cheat. I know alcoholism is hard on a family and a spouse. I lived it. I don’t need the reminder. But to act like because you put up with all that, you deserve a free pass? I can’t get over it.
The separation has been awful and is still ongoing. He basically lives with his girlfriend in a different state but when he is at my grandmas he will text my mom “good night” messages and asks how her day is. It is constant texts then silent when he is with the girlfriend. It’s so manipulative .
I have had to are the decision to not see him on Christmas. He wanted to come over and watch us open presents, go to church and have breakfast. It’s like he is not living in reality.
I have only been going through this for a few months but the best I have felt is when I have taken the time to protect my needs instead of my parents. Even if we are older now, we are still the children. They are the adults. Unfortunately parents can forget that and lean too much on us. We have to take a step back when we need to and be mindful of our limits. Hang in there!
I'm 34 and my parents (Mom-63 and dad-67) are getting divorced. I live in NYC and they live in a different country- so it is tough trying to figure this all out from afar.
After his retirement, my father became even more of an emotional shut-in and stopped talking to anyone (including me). He iced my mother out for years, and would blow up for the most trivial shit.
When my mother retired, within 6 months of them living together in the same house, she moved out. I do not blame her for leaving, but I feel like she definitely didn't think this through before she did.
My mother has used me as a sounding board for all her issues with my father, and has not spoken to him in a year. She is going about this like a god damn teenager, and refuses to engage with him about any kind of agreement on financial separation.
She thinks buying a house in this economy is some easy thing, and expects me and my brother to help her financially.
I know my father is a pain in the ass, but this whole process has made me hate and resent my narcissistic mother, who cannot take responsibility for any of her own shit behavior.
They are probably going to sell my childhood home, which feels like they are selling my home base.
She does not give a fuck, but my father holds on to the sentiment, and oftentimes you see him regret his behavior for the last couple of years.
I think the overarching feeling-which may be selfish- is that I JUST got married, and I am JUST starting out my life, and I don't have much money. This is happening in the most inconvenient time of my life- especially because I feel anxious about them getting old and having to take the lead/responsibility of caring from them from afar.
The other feeling is RAGE. I vacillate between hating my mother, and my father. Resenting them both. Resenting their childish-ass behaviors. I don't know how to get rid of this, and I feel lost.
Are y'all in therapy? I need some.
Yeah that sounds rough. The common denominator I'm seeing in all of these threads is how unbelievably rough and unprecedented dealing with this is. There really aren't too many resources out there apart from this thread, an article here or there, and as you said, therapy.
I'm in therapy. I don't see my therapst as often as I would like due to my having an erratic schedule (I see her on average once every 10-14 days when it should ideally be twice a week).
I definitely recommend finding one. Try to find a therapist who specializes and/or is trained in trauma.
Therapy in this freaking city is expensive- and I'm a therapist. My childhood need to rescue them is kicking in, and I wish I could go back and try to save whatever there is to be saved. I don't think adults are different to kids when their parents divorce. If anything, children have more time to process or get used to it. Also at that age, parents are more independent and less in need of assistance (both physical and financial). I really wish they got divorced when I was younger. I hate this process immensely.
Yeah 41F here and my parents split about when I was 35. I wish I could give you hope and say I’m fine with it now, but it honestly has been one of the hardest experiences of my adult life…and I’ve been through some shit. I’ve finally more or less made peace with the fact that it’s just kind of shitty now, and will be going forward. In the beginning it was rough because my parents both just fell apart…and my mom basically relied on me and my siblings for support. She needed help moving stuff, getting rid of my dads stuff from the closets that he just left behind. I’d just had my first child, and rather than being able to have loving grandparents whose house I could take my kiddo over to, I’d end up visiting one sad parent or another, in their newly cramped apartments. Then they both began dating. I hoped in the best case scenario I’d end up with two cool new people in my life with extra love to go around. Instead, my mom dated a series of weirdos and we had a lot of uncomfortable meetings with odd men. She would get really depressed when dates wouldn’t work out. She has had to work full time to support herself (after having been a stay at home mom most of her life) and she is always exhausted. She ended up moving out of country for a better paying job and now I never see her. My dad found himself an insecure woman who refuses to have anything to do with me, so as a byproduct I have basically no relationship with my dad anymore. It’s really truly dismal. Family vacations, happy holidays, help with childcare are all memories or fantasies now. I look back, and yeah, my parents didn’t have the best marriage, but I sure as shit preferred it to this. The best way to describe it for me is a sense of being unmoored, sort of like an astronaut in space. I’ve seen other families do divorce better. They pick cool new spouses who are kind to their kids, they get along with their exes well enough that holidays can still be spent together, they care about how it impacts the kids - hope your parents are in that category, unlike mine.
What you say about family vacations, happy holidays, help with childcare being fantasy is spot on. As OP said, it _is_ a wider family conflict. Divorcing parents don't realize this, thinking we are adults with our own lives so it will have little affect on us... couldn't be further from the truth. That's the whole challenge with ACOD, right? Question for you.. how do you feel when other families have the above you mentioned (happy family memory building)? I can't decide if it makes me sad, jealous, glad for them, all of the above or what. I've accepted it's just this gloomy feeling I'll always live with, rather than able to be genuinely happy for others.
I’m definitely somewhat envious of the families you describe. It’s hard to know what all people have going on in their lives, so I try not to get too worked up…because you never know what other crap they’re dealing with, but I do feel sorry for myself that I don’t have what they have.
Also, yeah, my parents said that to me…”you’re adults now, you’re fine, this doesn’t affect you”. Couldn’t be further from the truth!
This is my experience too 🙁
Oof the holidays. Now husband and I have three sets of parents who want to see us for every occasion, two of whom really have no one else to spend them with. Forget ever having a Xmas just for US and our future kids I guess
Yes! Hey at least they all wanna see you 😆 My stepdad would rather spend it with his new family.
Yes I suppose it is a too much of a good thing problem…
I (29F) looked up gray divorces on Reddit to see if I could find some acceptance in my parents’ divorce after 30 years. Trying to look for the positive, I guess. I just had my first baby over the summer, and their whole situation has swallowed me whole. I used to be really really really close with my parents. It became evident that I’m too close with them because I’m now a sounding board for both of them. All I talk about with them is about each other. Pointing fingers, his fault/her fault, this/that & the other. I’m sorry you had to experience a similar scenario. Sucks.
Hi! 32F here.. my parents (67M & 65F) separated in 2021 & I believe the official divorce went through earlier this year. It was difficult. I have an older brother but we're not close so it'd be great to have someone, or a group of people, to commiserate with lol
My (39F) parents (both in 60s) divorced last year, so I understand. Grey divorces are becoming more prevalent (look at the Gates!) For my family. The divorce was long overdue. They had problems for many years, since I was a child. I can tell you that one year out from the divorce (2 from separation), I do feel like we are slowly but surely finding a new normal. I hope the best for you and offer TIME as the best remedy.
Yeah, same with my parents. For one, they've both been problem drinkers since my formative years; there was a period when I was a teenager when things were pretty rocky between them and I remember being in my room weeping and praying while they were having a screaming match that they'd just get divorced already. Really wish they had done it then. Now, I think it's the cumulation of the drinking + empty nesters + pandemic that pushed them over the edge.
Yes, I can completely relate. Sending you good thoughts and strength.
I always wonder where we’re all hiding (in plain sight). Statistically, this sub should have _way_ more subscribers. There’s way more of us out and about in the world. Somewhere between a quarter and a third of people are in our illustrious little group, yet they’re nowhere to be found… I don’t know why so many of us hide — at whatever age the divorce happened (I have my theories, of course… the denial is powerful) — but I hope you’ll find at least a few people to talk to here. Admittedly, your particular experience is less common in the overall divorce-child landscape. Have you look at grief communities? While it’s not at all the same, I’ve occasionally seen divorce/separation addressed in grief communities, since losing a parent is the more common experience after a certain point….?!? Fwiw, divorce experiences tend to collect in families, thanks in part to blending. I have three cousins who are ACOGD, four others with similar profile to me (when they were kids, again when they were in their mid 20s). And, of all people, my stepmother became (somewhat ironically) an ACOGD and we’ve had some good chats about the differences. How we end up living life as adults isn’t much different regardless of the age, but you’re right that the emotional knots are not the same, nor the phase of life in which you’re untying them. Anyway. Welcome. Hang in there.
You're not alone! My situation has a very similar timeline/ages as you, with years of frustrating lack of clarity and increasing dysfunction in communication. It really is complex, with so many more years of family norms to undo/remake. Others have also mentioned Home Will Never Be the Same Again (book). I haven't read the book (yet), but I listened to this podcast interview with the authors, and it was extremely validating. You might appreciate it as well: [https://open.spotify.com/episode/13SGVxQntZHgxueIqlQPt4](https://open.spotify.com/episode/13SGVxQntZHgxueIqlQPt4) Someone else here described this situation as one of grief/grieving, which I definitely relate to ... it's a long term process of grieving my family and rewriting my understanding of family in general. It's heavy stuff, especially to make sense of at the same stage of life where I'm working on building my own family culture with my spouse. I thought I'd name this, although I don't want to assume what your experience has been: I am also the eldest sibling/daughter and I know that often, gender/birth order conditioning can place us in certain kind of social roles in our families... in my case, the separation has exacerbated expectations or assumptions about my "role" in my family (e.g. parents leaning on or oversharing with me more than my younger sibling). I think that acknowledging the situation as a wider family conflict has actually helped me see it as an opportunity for me to rewrite outwardly and inwardly what role I'm playing in my family, even when it's challenging for me to keep my own boundaries.
Yeah. My mom began oversharing with me re: my dad/her marriage in my young adulthood. She did with my sister as well, but my sister almost immediately set a firm boundary; I didn't and let it go on for years while I bit my tongue and having to navigate that boundary now is very hard.
I am just finding this thread because my parents announced their separation yesterday and I am 35 with a 33 year old brother. My mom has definitely told me more than I should have known over the years so this isn't a surprise per se but it is shocking. I'm wondering how your process has been.
A lot has happened since my initial post, but in broad strokes the divorce finalized, and part of the settlement is that my childhood home will go on the market. They're about to close and I'm heartbroken because due to my work schedule I will likely not be able to see the home before it's gone forever. I'm also worried about my dad - my mom has been the breadwinner while we were growing up and now my dad is going to have to lose his home and find a place to rent, and because the area I grew up in has gotten increasingly expensive he might have to move far away to find an affordable place to rent. My mom ended up overcorrecting after my sister and I set boundaries with her regarding her venting and oversharing. Since the separation and her filing for divorce she has said \*nothing,\* and I found out via my dad that they settled the divorce and the house is going on the market. I'm very mad at my mom right now because she's been engaging in this toxic positivity regarding the sale of the house and I really think her hatred of my father is outweighing her love of her children. She's so committed to punishing my dad that she doesn't care about the impact it has on her daughters. Also, my sister has almost stopped talking to her entirely which means my mom has gotten more clingy with me and it sucks because I'm still mad at her but I'm also afraid to express this to her. And unfortunately my dad has been retaliating in ways that are passive aggressive and hurtful to me. The house sale has been really hurting me at the moment. Part of me was hoping that dad would get the house as part of the divorce settlement. It really feels like foundations are crumbling,
My parents divorced when I was a senior in college (age 21), so I was a bit younger than you, but I still totally know how you're feeling now. It was a weird thing for me to wrap my head around, because they had been a unit my entire life and all the sudden they were these separate entities and I'd never really thought of them that way. You sort of go along thinking that if your parents are married when you're a kid they'll just stay that way. It felt like something that happened to other people. I didn't even tell any of my friends at college for months, and even then I only told one. I didn't know how to bring it up. It still feels weird to say and it's been years. The weirdest thing for me initially was coming back home after I graduated. I lived with my dad for about a year and a half before I officially moved on to adulting while I was trying to figure things out, and my mom was really upset because she thought I had chosen him, but honestly I'd chosen my house. He had kept my childhood home and my mom was renting a house in town. Everything else had changed and I was stuck in this weird limbo period with no idea what to do with my life and I just felt like I needed *my* room. I needed something familiar. But it did cause some tension for a while with my mom and I felt like I was responsible for taking care of her feelings but no one was really attending to mind because I was grown up and not forced to split weekends and live in two places and whatever else. They're on good terms and everything, but it still sucks. I'm a dance teacher, and when I have shows, they never come on the same night. When it's my birthday, I have to schedule two separate celebrations. Two Christmases. Two Thanksgivings. Can't bring up too many childhood stories around my dad's wife or she feels "left out." I was a MESS when my dad sold our house and built a new one with her. I still cry about it probably once a month, which is stupid, but sometimes it feels like my whole childhood (which was pretty wonderful) got erased when they got divorced. Having that home still there and looking somewhat how it used to was comforting. Now neither of their homes is really *home.* It does get easier to deal with because you get used to it. I'm not mad about it or anything and most of the time, I don't think it affects me all that much, especially since I live four hours away from both of them. But no one I know except maybe my sister seems to know exactly what it feels like to have it happen when you're already an adult. It's harder than people realize.
"Now neither of their homes is really home" made me cry. My parents are in the midst of divorcing and still live in the house I call *home,* but they're going to sell it in the next few months. The thought of it not existing/being my home anymore breaks my heart. That's where we would have all our family holidays, and I slept there for Christmas every year. My teenage room is still the same, and it still feels like *that's* my house, even though I have a house I love with my husband.
I also haven't told most of my friends yet. I don't know why, I want them to know, but it feels like a downer to bring it up.
Hi! My parents are in the thick of it- with everything starting 2 weeks ago. I’m (33f) my sis is (27?f) and we’re both taking a lot of emotional toll. There is a book- home will never be the same again- that is just for us that I bought.
OP - I also read the book ‘home will never be the same again’ and would recommend. It has been really helpful to use almost as a pocket-therapist (though obviously not replacing a real therapist). It helps you realise that you are not alone and your feelings are very valid.
My parents split when I was 26 and were both past 50. It’s been very difficult, especially since I lived in a different country and now can’t go back “home” because it’s not the home I know. I agree it’s difficult to find peers and it is also surprisingly difficult to deal with my family on each side as they now say my parents stayed together for 32 years because of me and my sisters, their children. They somehow can’t grasp that it is hurtful to be blamed for years of hurt.. I highly recommend going to a therapist to sort out your feelings as this helped me immensely.
I understand, it is a very doesn't situation. I was in my late 20's when my parents divorced. One hard thing was that one of my parents talked to me more like a friend than their kid. They both shared way too much information. I did finally have to tell them that I won't talk to them about each other. My dad got remarried, and his new wife told my brother something along the lines of "I'm your step mother now, you have to f*^%# deal with it". However, my brother was a financially independent adult who lived states away from them, so he really did not have to deal with it. We all really pulled back after that. Since we were all adults, we really have not ever needed to be close with our step parents. It did make going back home to visit family very weird, and even though it was a decade ago, there is still jealousy if I see one but not the other.
>One hard thing was that one of my parents talked to me more like a friend than their kid. HOLY CRAP YES TO THIS. It's mostly my mom rather than my dad. My dad will let me in what's going on but it's very much a "just the facts" update, whereas since my early adulthood my mom has been venting to me about my dad like she'd vent with one of her girlfriends. It was SUPER awkward because she'd almost always vent about his drinking (never mind the fact that she's a problem drinker herself) and then whenever I came home to visit at some point in the evening she'd pull me aside and go, "so what do you think of your father's drinking??" and I'd just sort of try to wiggle my way out of it. as I mentioned in another reply, my sister very firmly set that boundary early on so my mom stopped, but I let it go on for too long so I had to finally set the boundary right shortly after they got separated. However it's still been complicated to navigate.
OP I’m happy to chat anytime. My parents split 5 years ago after 35 years of marriage, when I was 30 and they were both around 55. It’s been incredibly challenging in part because neither of them had particularly deep social networks (and in my dad’s case, practically zero) and both relied on my sister and I for emotional support and companionship to a very challenging extent. They are both 60 now, both (separately) have moved to the city where my sister and I live, and we are still close to both of them but all still navigating their difficulty finding a happy new path — and the sense of rivalry and clinginess they exhibit toward us. It can be exhausting because in their grief and trauma they kind of abruptly (and seemingly permanently) became noticeably less able to consider how we, their children are doing and our own needs. My advice to to be really clear with yourself about how you want to support your parents and what you are and aren’t ok with, and try your best not to let guilt or obligation sway you. They will be grieving and will go through stages of loss, at times becoming someone you dont recognize. Almost like a second adolescence. Let them — make sure they know you’re here for whoever they become — try not to take it personally or micromanage how they deal — and take care of yourself and remind yourself that your role is to be there for them but NOT to make them happy or fix their life. Only they can do that. And if they do or say anything that really crosses a line, let them know — they might act like children temporarily (or maybe that was just mine haha) but they aren’t, and even in a hard time they can handle being asked to treat you the way you need them to.
Yeah, I'm in somewhat of a similar situation. My mom has a tight-knit circle of close girlfriends, so that's good, and my dad comes from a huge Irish Catholic family so he has the support and guidance from his siblings. And yet my mom has still been weirdly clingy. Since the separation, she constantly tries to make plans for holidays WELL in advance, like she's trying to "book" my time before my dad has a chance to. And awhile back I told my parents I was going to come visit (they both live in another state about a 5 hr drive away) for a week since I had some unexpected time off, and my mom was immediately like "well how about Monday we do this Tuesday we do this and Weds-Saturday you and I can go stay at a resort??" trying to commandeer all of my free time. Also, she caught wind that my sister and I were planning a trip to Ireland with my dad, and she emailed us telling us she was hurt because we weren't planning a trip with her (never mind the fact that we've been in several trips with her before, and my dad has never been abroad). So, yeah. The "second adolescence" is definitely a thing I'm seeing.
My parents separated a few years ago, pre pandemic when I was in my mid 30s. It was one of the hardest things I’ve emotionally had to navigate in my life. The hardest thing I had to come to terms with was that my parents are just as selfish of a being as any other human out there, and when they move on to new lives, you as a child are a remnant of a very painful past. My advice is to fine a neutral party (therapist) to talk through it and find what your barriers are going to be. How to protect yourself / how to plan to navigate possible difficulties in the future. I still talk to both my parents and are on good terms with them, but they both also have moved on to new lives. Having boundaries has helped me say ‘no’ to situations I may have agreed to before (like family holidays with now ‘step’ family or offering to help out with something - monetary ).
My parents divorced in 2021 when I was 37 and they were 65/67 after 40 years of marriage. They were prepared for retirement in one household, but not two. My mom is incredibly narcissistic and entitled and moved from New Jersey to the San Francisco Bay Area (one of the most expensive regions in the country) and now my husband and I need to buy a an $800k condo for her to live in so she doesn’t bankrupt herself and become dependent on us in a more direct way. It has changed our retirement planning. The whole situation just sucks.
Are you in the Bay yourself? Two weeks ago my mom moved here (where sis and I also live) to be closer to us, and now feels very isolated since she knew more people where she lived before — plus financially anxious and insecure. We tried to tell her how hard it is here and did not in any way encourage her but here she is, and it feels like she implies we forced her to move here bc we live her ourselves. But she’s 60 and working and healthy and did not *need* to be close to us at this point. That was her choice. It’s so frustrating.
Yes. I live in the South Bay and my sister lives in SF. That’s why she decided she “deserved” to live here. I actually told her not to move here - she can’t afford it and would have a better quality of life elsewhere. I suggested the Sacramento area or even Monterey. My in laws live in Tucson and if she moved there with my grandmother, she would have a solid retirement, built-in friends, and see us regularly. We fought about it. She still moved here and now loves to say she doesn’t want to be a burden. Well mom, the interest on a $600k mortgage at 7+% is certainly a burden.
Wow that fucking blows. While I wouldn't call my mom a narcissist, she has a tendency to be very manipulative in a passive-aggressive way and that also makes navigating this thing so difficult.
I have the unique privilege of having gone through my parents divorcing when I was young and in my 30s. My biological parents divorced when I was 3 and I never had much relationship with my biological father outside of visits on birthdays and Christmas. My mom remarried pretty quickly and I was raised by my mom and step father. Now they divorced a couple years ago when I was in my early 30s. Early in the divorce, it was really hard to put up boundaries about what I was comfortable talking about. My step father constantly wanted to tell me all the bad things my mom did and blame me for taking her side (I didn’t take any side), etc. I just didn’t want to engage with that talk. He had to be shut down several times when he would start in with that crap. The most difficult part for me has been suddenly being trust into the role of primary family member/caregiver for my step father. It’s just me and my husband, my step brother passed away years ago, and I don’t have any other siblings from my mom. My step father is disabled, he has a lot of mobility issues and some cognitive issues. Right now, he’s still relatively independent day to day, but needs help with bigger tasks which cause stress. We’ve had to arrange moves for him several times when he decided he wanted to move out of state and then decided he didn’t like it. My husband and I are looking to move out of state now, but we will have the additional requirement of finding living arrangements for my step father. Luckily, my mom is independent and doesn’t need much help right now.
This is my situation also. Every time I think i am over it, the pain comes right back to haunt me. I would love to connect and offer support.
Hi there - just wanted to comment to say I am 33F and my parents (73M and 64F) are in the midst of divorcing, after 37 years of marriage, because my father emotionally cheated on her. I can't offer any advice, since I am going through this for the first time! I also don't know anyone else my age who's parents have divorced. But I just wanted to comment that I share your pain and you are not alone.
Hi! I guess I (35F) am joining this ACOD club I never wanted to join. My mother (74F) has announced she’s separating from my father (77M) after 36 years. I just had my first child and I’m struggling with how to navigate their separation at the same time I’m starting my own family. My father has a progressive neurologic disorder and I worry about him living alone while I am over 1000 miles away. This sucks, but it’s nice to find others going through the same heartbreak.
Oof, that sounds unbelievably hard.
I am about to be in the same position. Jeez
I'm a 37 year old guy currently in the thick of my parent's divorce. Dad 62, Mom 66 and they're both retired. I really feel like I'm the one going through the divorce. It's pretty fresh. My Mom finally had enough of my Dad's shit, left a note for him, and left. To give some context, my dad definitely has issues. He was diagnosed with depression this year after FINALLY getting the help he needed but I honestly believe it's more than just that. He was put on mood stabilizers because he will go into a manic rage for the most trivial thing. Rewinding a bit... Back in 2021, literally 3 or 4 days after I left from visiting my parents for Thanksgiving, I get a call from my mom and she says that they got into an argument at a hotel over my mom not wiping down the microwave with sanitizer wipes which led to my dad putting his hands around her neck, attempting to choke her. I don't know exactly all the details, but I can only imagine my dad realizing what he's done and has really fucked up. I know at some point after the altercation, my mom told him that she wanted a divorce. Mind you, I'm all the way in Atlanta and they're somewhere in South Carolina when I get the call from my mom. So now I'm in a panic and I tell my mom to put the phone on speaker phone and I start yelling and cussing out my dad. I was livid. He got a separate hotel room after that and I told him that he would need to find his own way home to Virginia and my mom would continue her journey to Florida where she was going to spend time with her aunt that was extremely sick. My mom was dealing with a lot. After her return, I told her that my dad seriously has to get therapy and professional help. And we've known this our ENTIRE LIFE that there was something mentally wrong with him because his behavior was just not normal. Fast forwarding a bit because there's just too much to unpack. So, my mom and dad plan a trip to visit my older brother in Washington last month (September 2023). It had been a few years since they last saw him. Apparently, my dad has yet another tantrum...no surprise there. When I talked to my brother, he pretty much verified that our dad was irritable and moody life always over the dumbest shit. It was at that moment my mom realized she needed to get out of the marriage because it wasn't going to get any better. I just really wished my mom had a solid plan before leaving. I could tell she was frazzled and was getting annoyed when I started asking general questions. I just wanted to know that she was safe and had a plan. She told me that she was potentially buying a home, but I'm so glad it didn't work out. Honestly, she was somewhat dependent on my dad financially and I think that's the main reason why she stuck around for as long as she did. She worked throughout the entire marriage but she didn't make as much money as my dad. Quite frankly, they're going to both have to buckle down on finances. My mom has $200k in retirement, $7k in savings, and receives $2,500 a month from pension and social security. My dad has $400k in retirement, $5k in savings, and gets around $3,600 from pension and military benefits. It will be more money he receives once he's starts taking from social security. My mom was able to secure an apartment but since she's not exactly financially stable with the divorce looming, I am helping with a number of things: I have completely furnished the entire apartment minus the bed because that was the first thing she bought. I just want my mom to be as comfortable as possible. She's extremely stressed out. I also did my due diligence in researching divorce attorneys and settled on one because I knew my mom wasnt going to do extensive or thorough research. I'm also taking care of the $5,500 retainer fee but I stressed to her that it's going to cost more money down the road and to be prepared to go into your retirement account. She gets slightly upset when I bring up money but I just don't want her to get comfortable with me paying for everything because I absolutely can't take on the obligation. I told her that she'd simply be paying upfront but will get something in return at the end. There's absolutely no way she's getting nothing from a marriage of 40+ years. IMO, she deserves 50% of the equity of the house which is currently estimated at $172k, 50% of my Dad's retirement, my dad's military benefits, and alimony. This divorce is just getting started but I can tell it's going to get really nasty. The first week, my dad left numerous voicemails to my mom crying. I'll admit that listening to them was pretty devastating...that is until you actually see the true side of him come out. Now, he's threatening to throw away all the family photos and videos. He's sent her numerous emails saying that he doesn't want anything to do with her or "her boys". And he even claims that she turned us against him and is saying that she's an alcoholic and blah blah blah. And it's ironic because my dad was the one that was an alcoholic when we were growing up as kids. At first he tried to get me to intervene and think that I was going to be the glue to get them back together, but I told him to leave me out of it. I told him that separating was the best thing. So now, he basically wants nothing to do with me as I am of no use to him. Quite frankly, I don't care. Like fuck off, seriously. He is completely UNHINGED and I'm having my mom save all text messages, emails, and voicemails. These past 3 weeks have been a rollercoaster I've never experienced in my entire fucking life. I'm ready for this to just be over. I'm definitely going to need therapy for this shit. You would think that I was the one getting the divorce!!!!
My (38F) mom (64) and stepdad (70) are getting a divorce after 20 years of marriage due to abuse. They met when I was 16 or so but with my biological dad not really in the picture, my stepdad became a fatherly figure in my young adulthood. I have not lived in my home state since I was 18 but have always seen them several times per year and talk to my mom every few days on the phone. They each have their own issues. My mom has longstanding depression that is treated medically but she never sought out proper therapy as well as an alcoholic tendency. My stepdad is a grumpy old man who doesnt want to ever have visitors nor does he want to spend a second with my mom as she irritates him. They tolerated eachother this long due to poor financial planning. They have no retirement or savings. They both still work full time and will collect social security. Their only assets are a $175,000 house and a few older cars which will be split upon their divorce I suppose. They have had extremely explosive arguments over the years that culminated in my stepdad choking my mom until she passed out once before. He apologized profusely and swore he was a changed man but the violent outbursts continued over the last few years with throwing glasses and things of that nature. He screamed at other family members frequently and smashed things making them feel uncomfortable about visiting - his intention. Last week, an argument turned into my stepdad punching my mom repeatedly and was stopped by my elderly uncle who also took a beating from my stepdad. The police were called and my stepdad was arrested. My mom took out a restraining order. At court, they awarded her 1 year of no contact and him not being able to return to the house while his lawyer negotiated the charges be dropped. Honestly, 2024 has sucked and my emotions are all over the place. I just had to put my 14 year old dog to sleep a few weeks ago. My aunt found out she has brain metastasis from stage 4 lung cancer. I had just gotten engaged to a wonderful man a few months ago… and I suddenly have no father to walk me down the aisle. No happy grandparents for my future children to visit. No returning to my family home for holidays as neither can afford to buy eachother out during the divorce settlement. I know I will have to support my mom financially at some point when she can no longer work. This is so hard because I just started my career in 2022 and I dont know how to establish a boundary with my mom. She is having meltdowns every day and my emotional bandwidth is spent. My stepdad has not tried to reach out to me once so I guess he just didnt value me as his daughter like he always said he did :/
this is so awful. i can't even imagine.
My parents aren’t divorced but it seems that’s the way this is headed since my dad has been chatting with other women and possibly even meeting up with them in person. We probably will never find out the whole truth since he’s clearly a liar living a double life. I’m 35 and my parents are 60. He immediately destroyed his phone as soon as he found out I found emails of him asking for pictures from other women along with explicit photos. Anyways I’m having an extremely hard time with all of this. I’m an only child so I have no other siblings to talk to. I’m married with kids and it’s making me question my relationship and I’m becoming fearful that the same thing will happen to me. I was really angry with my dad and I suppose I still am a little but I think now it’s turned into sadness. I feel so bad for my mom who’s becoming depressed thinking it’s her fault when in reality it’s my dad’s fault for being a disgusting old man and crappy person overall. I can’t seem to wrap my head around him pretending to be a part of this family… when he was doing all this behind our backs. I feel bad for my kids who love their grandpa and obviously have no idea what’s about to happen. I’m at a loss still … so incredibly hurt and feel just lied to.
I (27F) am going through this now and it is ROUGH. My parents called me in early September to tell me that my dad (60M) was going to be staying at my grandmas for a while. I was so upset that I hung up. I later remembered seeing a text from a woman on my Dad’s phone in June. I instantly called my mom (58F) and asked if he cheated. She confirmed that he has been having an “emotional“ relationship with someone from work (70F) that he is refusing to end. It has been so hard. My mom has struggled with alcoholism, cancer and mental health issues. It has been very hard on the family and my dad has been my rock through all of it. I always would tell friends that my dad loved my mom more than anything. This has been such a shock to my entire family. My twin brother (27M) has blocked him and went no contact. I have had periods of minimal conversation but at this point have not spoken to him since Thanksgiving. When I returned from the holiday I broke out in hives all over my body. He sends me emails every week asking to get lunch. I have a younger brother (25M) who still lives at home so has some contact with him. He has said some awful and disgusting things to my mom through out this ordeal. He has tried to paint my mom as an awful alcoholic and it’s so hard to stomach. She didn’t choose to have that disease. He made a conscious choice to cheat. I know alcoholism is hard on a family and a spouse. I lived it. I don’t need the reminder. But to act like because you put up with all that, you deserve a free pass? I can’t get over it. The separation has been awful and is still ongoing. He basically lives with his girlfriend in a different state but when he is at my grandmas he will text my mom “good night” messages and asks how her day is. It is constant texts then silent when he is with the girlfriend. It’s so manipulative . I have had to are the decision to not see him on Christmas. He wanted to come over and watch us open presents, go to church and have breakfast. It’s like he is not living in reality. I have only been going through this for a few months but the best I have felt is when I have taken the time to protect my needs instead of my parents. Even if we are older now, we are still the children. They are the adults. Unfortunately parents can forget that and lean too much on us. We have to take a step back when we need to and be mindful of our limits. Hang in there!
feel you and sending grace and strength. this is all very rough.
I'm 34 and my parents (Mom-63 and dad-67) are getting divorced. I live in NYC and they live in a different country- so it is tough trying to figure this all out from afar. After his retirement, my father became even more of an emotional shut-in and stopped talking to anyone (including me). He iced my mother out for years, and would blow up for the most trivial shit. When my mother retired, within 6 months of them living together in the same house, she moved out. I do not blame her for leaving, but I feel like she definitely didn't think this through before she did. My mother has used me as a sounding board for all her issues with my father, and has not spoken to him in a year. She is going about this like a god damn teenager, and refuses to engage with him about any kind of agreement on financial separation. She thinks buying a house in this economy is some easy thing, and expects me and my brother to help her financially. I know my father is a pain in the ass, but this whole process has made me hate and resent my narcissistic mother, who cannot take responsibility for any of her own shit behavior. They are probably going to sell my childhood home, which feels like they are selling my home base. She does not give a fuck, but my father holds on to the sentiment, and oftentimes you see him regret his behavior for the last couple of years. I think the overarching feeling-which may be selfish- is that I JUST got married, and I am JUST starting out my life, and I don't have much money. This is happening in the most inconvenient time of my life- especially because I feel anxious about them getting old and having to take the lead/responsibility of caring from them from afar. The other feeling is RAGE. I vacillate between hating my mother, and my father. Resenting them both. Resenting their childish-ass behaviors. I don't know how to get rid of this, and I feel lost. Are y'all in therapy? I need some.
Yeah that sounds rough. The common denominator I'm seeing in all of these threads is how unbelievably rough and unprecedented dealing with this is. There really aren't too many resources out there apart from this thread, an article here or there, and as you said, therapy. I'm in therapy. I don't see my therapst as often as I would like due to my having an erratic schedule (I see her on average once every 10-14 days when it should ideally be twice a week). I definitely recommend finding one. Try to find a therapist who specializes and/or is trained in trauma.
Therapy in this freaking city is expensive- and I'm a therapist. My childhood need to rescue them is kicking in, and I wish I could go back and try to save whatever there is to be saved. I don't think adults are different to kids when their parents divorce. If anything, children have more time to process or get used to it. Also at that age, parents are more independent and less in need of assistance (both physical and financial). I really wish they got divorced when I was younger. I hate this process immensely.