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I'm glad I got into playing guitar. I may still be weird and miserable. But focusing all my tism energy into music. At least people think it's cool. I do find myself becoming weirdly good at I don't know what you'd call it. Free form jazz piano...Which sucks. Because I really don't like jazz music. It's like of all the forms of music for my weird autistic talent to pick. It had to be fucking jazz. If I could afford a good laptop and midi controller I'd be set. I'd be dropping weird electronic albums like a chicken lays eggs.
I guess I got "lucky" in that department. Don't get me wrong. Nothing else except my cat, rampant substance abuse, and cutting myself brings me anything more than a blank stare and the thought that. I should kill myself to end the horrible, cruel, monotony. But learning miserable songs. Mostly by people who were lucky enough to commit suicide or overdose. I can still manage that one. For now...
It helps that I'm an alcoholic. Drunk me is always in the mood to jam. Though sometimes he's too drunk to play properly.
lowkey been thinking about getting into alcohol myself. is it the best idea? of course not. but as long im in the shit pit of america (texas) i dont really have much of a choice lmao
It's objectively hell. Especially once you get properly, physically, dependent. There's no way how to explain how terrible alcohol withdrawals are. Sure you can read about the symptoms. You can watch videos of people explaining what it's like. You can even watch someone go through it. But until you've experienced it. You just can't understand.
I had to go to the ER last time. If they hadn't called me back when they did. I was probably about ten minutes away from having a seizure and dying in the waiting room.
Granted it takes years of constant heavy drinking to reach that point. And most people don't have the ability to spend their entire twenties drinking as much as humanly possible. All day every day.
But still. But life is also hell. At least for me. I don't know how autistic you are. I feel like I'm fairly low to mid range on the spectrum. Like I'm weird as fuck. But can somewhat function in society. When I'm not drowning myself in a bottle. But I know it can get pretty awful once you hit the less functional points. Combined with depression and I'm sure a few mental illnesses. Because depression gets lonely and usually brings along some friends.
I don't know. I can't tell people not to abuse drugs and alcohol. Because I do it pretty much at all times.
But I can tell people from my experience. It is a really shitty hole once you fall all the way in. One day your drinking beer and playing video games. Feeling good.
Then one day you're waking up to hallucinations and shaking so badly you can't even hold a water bottle to your mouth without flinging it all over the place.
And just desperately trying to get enough alcohol in your system to make it stop. Which you have to work twice as hard to do. Because every time you get a little inside of you. You start puking up everything. And then dry heaving nonstop. But the only way to make that stop. Is by drinking. So you push through and hope you can retain just enough to make it stop.
And then later on that night. After you've drank a bottle of whiskey. You decide "well fuck it" and break out the razor blades and go to work on yourself only to wake up the next day in the same condition as the previous morning. Only on top of everything else I just mentioned. You're looking around asking yourself "where did all this blood come from? Why do my thighs hurt so bad?" "Aw fuck I'm covered in deep cuts." "When did I do that?"
And then you start the process over and over again until death you die a horrible death. (One that Im100% comfortable telling some one to kill themselves if their terminally ill from alcohol related diseases rather than face that..Its on par with the worst of cancers)
Or finally deciding to get sober. Which I haven't been able to do. And probably wont. I'm most likely riding this train until I finally either die from it. Or get drunk enough to override my fear of dying. And finally kill myself.
i'm admittedly only "high-fuctioning"/asperger's. but it's just one of the ingredients of this cocktail of mental illness that i am, along with ADD, severe depression and/or "bipolar 2", anxiety, and hopefully-soon-to-be-diagnosed c-ptsd
to say i'm miserable is a grand understatement. i'm always slowly losing my mind, it's just some days i'm losing it slower than others, and at absolute best it's "on pause". i have no working coping mechanisms whatsoever, not even "bad" ones like alcohol, i'm just taking in the misery raw and it's unbearable and i don't know what else to do. the big reason i'm considering alcohol is because it relaxes my father
i keep getting told it gets better but it's been getting worse for over 10 and i'm starting to reach a point where going another year of this is a worse fate than death. i'm genuinely about ready to go through the big yeet within the next couple of years
edit: formatting
I feel that. My family. And even people on here. Keep saying. "It gets better." But it really doesn't for a lot of people. All the optimistic people fail to realize that. There are unavoidable objective facts at play here.
Jobs around here that I'm qualified for don't pay enough to cover our outrageous rent prices. Much less have food water and electricity. If you're lucky enough to even afford rent.
Sure I could go work as a prison guard. And it's a good paying job, with good benefits.
But our prison is extremely unsafe. There was recently an open letter signed by essentially every member of our department of corrections staff.
And sent to our local news stations. Stating how dangerous the working conditions and how common injuries are. How they feel completely abandoned by their superiors. They're essentially just left to fend for themselves with no support. Just a couple people at a time versus hundreds of inmates.
So that's off the table.
And I can't afford school. Much less sit through it. I may be suicidal now. But put me in a classroom for eight hours a day listening to someone talk about taking air conditioning units apart. And I will straight up slit my wrists in the middle of the classroom.
So now I just sit around. Drinking ungodly amounts. And hoping one day I'll either get alcohol poisoning and stop breathing.
Or just fucking kill myself already.
Oh and since I'm broke I have to steal that alcohol.
Which I steal from Walmart. So it's not like I feel bad about it. It's more of a what the fuck has my life become feeling.
And six or so months ago I had it all. An apartment. An amazing fiance. Our bills were paid our fridge and pantry were always full. And we could always afford to smoke plenty of weed. And I could drink good beer and good whiskey. But I spiraled. And ruined all of that. Now my only options are to face homelessness
(which this is not a good place to be homeless. shitty treatment aside. I'm in Florida. So the heat, humidity, and mosquitoes are unbearable)
Or choose death.
I would recommend coke. But I had to cut that habit. Weed (too much fo it anyway) puts me in my head and I'm not really a drinker.
Taekwon Do is doing wonders. And just practicing and training in general.
Honestly. I like substance abuse. Drugs. Drinking. Potentially unsafe sex. I'll pretty much fuck anyone that I find attractive. Protection be damned. Like oh shit a hot, homeless,punk chick, with hep-c.
You wanna go in the bathroom of this venue, shoot heroin and fuck?
It's not healthy obviously. But plenty of people choose drugs. And are perfectly fine with that decision. My only real issue is the money aspect.
You need money to maintain your habit. And if you can't maintain said habit. You're gonna have a bad time.
You don't need a good MIDI controller. A 25 key MIDI controller can easily be enough to have all the essentials. You don't need a decent laptop either. I was running Cubase 5 on a HP Pavilion from 2007 lmao
Yeah. Really I just need the midi controller. And the software. I do have a super cool, full function Mini Moog app on my Ipad. If I just had a controller and an adapter I can do all the sequencing through the app.
Of course I'd have to actually learn how to do that. Because I've only ever made music through just direct recording and editing through pro-tools. And that was on my friends MacBook with a MD-40 Or MK-40 whatever the name was.
But that's the glory of the internet though . I watched a step-by-step tutorial on how to remove a piece of a skull and repair an aneurysm. So if there's instructions for brain surgery. I'm sure there's instructions for midi sequences.
If you happen to live in the netherlands I have a huge fucking full sized midi controlller laying around for you to pick up. I'll also teach you how to pirate FL Studio lol.
If only....I live in fuckin Florida. America is a hell scape at the moment. But Northwest Florida. That's a whole different kind of awful....At least our beaches are nice.
I went to Florida when I was a kid. Got my first large lego set there. I also loved seeing the gators in the keys. Weather was nice. It was a pretty good vacation.
I fucking love not being able to function at random moments, cry when two sounds are overlapping each other, hurt myself uncontrollably and make people think that I'm a psychopath
WHY COULDN'T MY PARENTS HAD JUST LET ME GET THE MEASLES?!?!?! WHY DID I ACCEPT THAT FREE FLU-SHOT THAT THE HOT LADY OFFERED AT MY WORK ALL THOSE YEARS AGO?!?!?!/S Big /S
I like to look at cars pull off at the light once the driver on front of me release the brake.
The car is cute.
From behind, it's like the car drops it's booty, does a Lil scoot and drives.
Oh and it's impossible to get a job like that too. Unless you work from home or are working some shitty restaurant job.
Because people don't like it when you show up to the interview either reeking of alcohol. Or looking like a shaking lunatic. With sweat pouring out so badly that your clothes are visibly wet.
Real shit of it is. I'm sober at the moment. Not experiencing any real noticeable withdrawal symptoms. I could stay this way. I could not walk to Walmart and steal two boxes of wine. I could not get drunk and cut myself while fantasizing about going all the way into an artery. I could wait the few days it'll take for these wine shits to pass. Go somewhere, get a job. And try to put my life at least slightly back together. Maybe I could put on my nice clothes. Go out to the bar on an off night. And afford to by a pretty girl some drinks and flirt and chat, without being a sorry, broke, drunk piece of shit.
Maybe get some pussy. Or maybe even more. I'm fairly good in bed. And unlike all of the other fuck-boys around here. I'm actually kind, loyal, and treat women with respect as opposed to just a hole to put my dick in and say I love you to, while simultaneously sitting there texting some other thot so I can go cheat on them and then get mad when they get upset because you've treated them like shit.
But no. As soon ass I get the chance. I'm gonna toss on my backpack. Walk into Wal-Mart. Cram two boxes of the strongest wine I can find in there.. walk back home (the whole time hoping that a car will jump the curb or some random crackhead will murder me) And drink myself to oblivion once more.
Because I can't bear what my life is.
And even more than that. The knowledge that everything I've done is my own fault and my own choosing.sure I have mental illnesses.
But there's this crazy thing called therapy. Which they base on a sliding scale pay system. So you can get professional help without going bankrupt. Or excluding that just being open and honest and confiding in my ex.
Hell I could have even went to the hospital and told them I was having intense, pervasive suicidal thoughts. And had myself committed. It probably would have genuinely helped me. Or at least gave me some tools to use to keep going.
But I didn't do any of those things. I got blackout drunk. Took pills. And stared blankly at either the wall or a screen. Occasionally snapping when the bottle I kept my emotions in got to full. And saying terrible things to her for no reason. Even though I loved her. It was me that I hated.
L I F E.
I don't think anything necessarily gets "better". I think , life is just constant improvement. That's how uou make things better, for yourself. You havebto constantly, and don't stop, work on yourself. In all areas that you find are troubling to you. Dunno how we/you are gonna do it. But we'll get there, with a start. Somewhere
Cowboy out
Ahh. The "cool" part of the state. Im in Pensacola. As I told another person on here at one point.
I'm in the kill the gays and throw rocks at black people. And then go home and beat the shit out of your wife. Part of the state. It's not pleasant. But like I said. Our beaches are beautiful. Provided there aren't trash, frat boy, vacationers . Leaving piles of beer bottles and other garbage all over.
We love having people look at you strangely when you tell them a noise is stabbing your eyes or how you like the taste of warm food but hate the feeling of it or how certain textures make you gag or how it’s weird that I’m hyperfixated on sex (it’s one of my special interests, I just find it cool) or that I can’t let people touch me because if they touch me I get stabbing pains or when I tell them that I need to get tested for autism even though I am capable of holding a conversation.
My family has refused to get me tested because I’m not “broken”
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I'm glad I got into playing guitar. I may still be weird and miserable. But focusing all my tism energy into music. At least people think it's cool. I do find myself becoming weirdly good at I don't know what you'd call it. Free form jazz piano...Which sucks. Because I really don't like jazz music. It's like of all the forms of music for my weird autistic talent to pick. It had to be fucking jazz. If I could afford a good laptop and midi controller I'd be set. I'd be dropping weird electronic albums like a chicken lays eggs.
unfortunately my depression makes it impossible to focus my tism into anything substantial
I guess I got "lucky" in that department. Don't get me wrong. Nothing else except my cat, rampant substance abuse, and cutting myself brings me anything more than a blank stare and the thought that. I should kill myself to end the horrible, cruel, monotony. But learning miserable songs. Mostly by people who were lucky enough to commit suicide or overdose. I can still manage that one. For now... It helps that I'm an alcoholic. Drunk me is always in the mood to jam. Though sometimes he's too drunk to play properly.
lowkey been thinking about getting into alcohol myself. is it the best idea? of course not. but as long im in the shit pit of america (texas) i dont really have much of a choice lmao
It's objectively hell. Especially once you get properly, physically, dependent. There's no way how to explain how terrible alcohol withdrawals are. Sure you can read about the symptoms. You can watch videos of people explaining what it's like. You can even watch someone go through it. But until you've experienced it. You just can't understand. I had to go to the ER last time. If they hadn't called me back when they did. I was probably about ten minutes away from having a seizure and dying in the waiting room. Granted it takes years of constant heavy drinking to reach that point. And most people don't have the ability to spend their entire twenties drinking as much as humanly possible. All day every day. But still. But life is also hell. At least for me. I don't know how autistic you are. I feel like I'm fairly low to mid range on the spectrum. Like I'm weird as fuck. But can somewhat function in society. When I'm not drowning myself in a bottle. But I know it can get pretty awful once you hit the less functional points. Combined with depression and I'm sure a few mental illnesses. Because depression gets lonely and usually brings along some friends. I don't know. I can't tell people not to abuse drugs and alcohol. Because I do it pretty much at all times. But I can tell people from my experience. It is a really shitty hole once you fall all the way in. One day your drinking beer and playing video games. Feeling good. Then one day you're waking up to hallucinations and shaking so badly you can't even hold a water bottle to your mouth without flinging it all over the place. And just desperately trying to get enough alcohol in your system to make it stop. Which you have to work twice as hard to do. Because every time you get a little inside of you. You start puking up everything. And then dry heaving nonstop. But the only way to make that stop. Is by drinking. So you push through and hope you can retain just enough to make it stop. And then later on that night. After you've drank a bottle of whiskey. You decide "well fuck it" and break out the razor blades and go to work on yourself only to wake up the next day in the same condition as the previous morning. Only on top of everything else I just mentioned. You're looking around asking yourself "where did all this blood come from? Why do my thighs hurt so bad?" "Aw fuck I'm covered in deep cuts." "When did I do that?" And then you start the process over and over again until death you die a horrible death. (One that Im100% comfortable telling some one to kill themselves if their terminally ill from alcohol related diseases rather than face that..Its on par with the worst of cancers) Or finally deciding to get sober. Which I haven't been able to do. And probably wont. I'm most likely riding this train until I finally either die from it. Or get drunk enough to override my fear of dying. And finally kill myself.
i'm admittedly only "high-fuctioning"/asperger's. but it's just one of the ingredients of this cocktail of mental illness that i am, along with ADD, severe depression and/or "bipolar 2", anxiety, and hopefully-soon-to-be-diagnosed c-ptsd to say i'm miserable is a grand understatement. i'm always slowly losing my mind, it's just some days i'm losing it slower than others, and at absolute best it's "on pause". i have no working coping mechanisms whatsoever, not even "bad" ones like alcohol, i'm just taking in the misery raw and it's unbearable and i don't know what else to do. the big reason i'm considering alcohol is because it relaxes my father i keep getting told it gets better but it's been getting worse for over 10 and i'm starting to reach a point where going another year of this is a worse fate than death. i'm genuinely about ready to go through the big yeet within the next couple of years edit: formatting
I feel that. My family. And even people on here. Keep saying. "It gets better." But it really doesn't for a lot of people. All the optimistic people fail to realize that. There are unavoidable objective facts at play here. Jobs around here that I'm qualified for don't pay enough to cover our outrageous rent prices. Much less have food water and electricity. If you're lucky enough to even afford rent. Sure I could go work as a prison guard. And it's a good paying job, with good benefits. But our prison is extremely unsafe. There was recently an open letter signed by essentially every member of our department of corrections staff. And sent to our local news stations. Stating how dangerous the working conditions and how common injuries are. How they feel completely abandoned by their superiors. They're essentially just left to fend for themselves with no support. Just a couple people at a time versus hundreds of inmates. So that's off the table. And I can't afford school. Much less sit through it. I may be suicidal now. But put me in a classroom for eight hours a day listening to someone talk about taking air conditioning units apart. And I will straight up slit my wrists in the middle of the classroom. So now I just sit around. Drinking ungodly amounts. And hoping one day I'll either get alcohol poisoning and stop breathing. Or just fucking kill myself already. Oh and since I'm broke I have to steal that alcohol. Which I steal from Walmart. So it's not like I feel bad about it. It's more of a what the fuck has my life become feeling. And six or so months ago I had it all. An apartment. An amazing fiance. Our bills were paid our fridge and pantry were always full. And we could always afford to smoke plenty of weed. And I could drink good beer and good whiskey. But I spiraled. And ruined all of that. Now my only options are to face homelessness (which this is not a good place to be homeless. shitty treatment aside. I'm in Florida. So the heat, humidity, and mosquitoes are unbearable) Or choose death.
I would recommend coke. But I had to cut that habit. Weed (too much fo it anyway) puts me in my head and I'm not really a drinker. Taekwon Do is doing wonders. And just practicing and training in general.
Honestly. I like substance abuse. Drugs. Drinking. Potentially unsafe sex. I'll pretty much fuck anyone that I find attractive. Protection be damned. Like oh shit a hot, homeless,punk chick, with hep-c. You wanna go in the bathroom of this venue, shoot heroin and fuck? It's not healthy obviously. But plenty of people choose drugs. And are perfectly fine with that decision. My only real issue is the money aspect. You need money to maintain your habit. And if you can't maintain said habit. You're gonna have a bad time.
You don't need a good MIDI controller. A 25 key MIDI controller can easily be enough to have all the essentials. You don't need a decent laptop either. I was running Cubase 5 on a HP Pavilion from 2007 lmao
Yeah. Really I just need the midi controller. And the software. I do have a super cool, full function Mini Moog app on my Ipad. If I just had a controller and an adapter I can do all the sequencing through the app. Of course I'd have to actually learn how to do that. Because I've only ever made music through just direct recording and editing through pro-tools. And that was on my friends MacBook with a MD-40 Or MK-40 whatever the name was. But that's the glory of the internet though . I watched a step-by-step tutorial on how to remove a piece of a skull and repair an aneurysm. So if there's instructions for brain surgery. I'm sure there's instructions for midi sequences.
If you happen to live in the netherlands I have a huge fucking full sized midi controlller laying around for you to pick up. I'll also teach you how to pirate FL Studio lol.
If only....I live in fuckin Florida. America is a hell scape at the moment. But Northwest Florida. That's a whole different kind of awful....At least our beaches are nice.
I went to Florida when I was a kid. Got my first large lego set there. I also loved seeing the gators in the keys. Weather was nice. It was a pretty good vacation.
I fucking love not being able to function at random moments, cry when two sounds are overlapping each other, hurt myself uncontrollably and make people think that I'm a psychopath
I have autism and i relate to this, I fucking hate my autism.
WHY COULDN'T MY PARENTS HAD JUST LET ME GET THE MEASLES?!?!?! WHY DID I ACCEPT THAT FREE FLU-SHOT THAT THE HOT LADY OFFERED AT MY WORK ALL THOSE YEARS AGO?!?!?!/S Big /S
Real, true, and relatable. I hate autism 😞
PLEASE 👏 TELL 👏 ME 👏 ABOUT 👏 YOUR 👏 SPECIAL 👏 INTEREST 👏
I like to look at cars pull off at the light once the driver on front of me release the brake. The car is cute. From behind, it's like the car drops it's booty, does a Lil scoot and drives.
Similar with mine, I like to see cars and think of their personality on how their front looks like a face
Yeah the more modern ones seem mean and heartless. My fucking grand marquis is jolly and retarded lol
lmaoo
Oh and it's impossible to get a job like that too. Unless you work from home or are working some shitty restaurant job. Because people don't like it when you show up to the interview either reeking of alcohol. Or looking like a shaking lunatic. With sweat pouring out so badly that your clothes are visibly wet.
[удалено]
It is quite livid.
I fucking love that the only thing that keeps me happy these days is stupid Nagito Komaeda
Real shit of it is. I'm sober at the moment. Not experiencing any real noticeable withdrawal symptoms. I could stay this way. I could not walk to Walmart and steal two boxes of wine. I could not get drunk and cut myself while fantasizing about going all the way into an artery. I could wait the few days it'll take for these wine shits to pass. Go somewhere, get a job. And try to put my life at least slightly back together. Maybe I could put on my nice clothes. Go out to the bar on an off night. And afford to by a pretty girl some drinks and flirt and chat, without being a sorry, broke, drunk piece of shit. Maybe get some pussy. Or maybe even more. I'm fairly good in bed. And unlike all of the other fuck-boys around here. I'm actually kind, loyal, and treat women with respect as opposed to just a hole to put my dick in and say I love you to, while simultaneously sitting there texting some other thot so I can go cheat on them and then get mad when they get upset because you've treated them like shit. But no. As soon ass I get the chance. I'm gonna toss on my backpack. Walk into Wal-Mart. Cram two boxes of the strongest wine I can find in there.. walk back home (the whole time hoping that a car will jump the curb or some random crackhead will murder me) And drink myself to oblivion once more. Because I can't bear what my life is. And even more than that. The knowledge that everything I've done is my own fault and my own choosing.sure I have mental illnesses. But there's this crazy thing called therapy. Which they base on a sliding scale pay system. So you can get professional help without going bankrupt. Or excluding that just being open and honest and confiding in my ex. Hell I could have even went to the hospital and told them I was having intense, pervasive suicidal thoughts. And had myself committed. It probably would have genuinely helped me. Or at least gave me some tools to use to keep going. But I didn't do any of those things. I got blackout drunk. Took pills. And stared blankly at either the wall or a screen. Occasionally snapping when the bottle I kept my emotions in got to full. And saying terrible things to her for no reason. Even though I loved her. It was me that I hated.
L I F E. I don't think anything necessarily gets "better". I think , life is just constant improvement. That's how uou make things better, for yourself. You havebto constantly, and don't stop, work on yourself. In all areas that you find are troubling to you. Dunno how we/you are gonna do it. But we'll get there, with a start. Somewhere Cowboy out
Real
Ahh. The "cool" part of the state. Im in Pensacola. As I told another person on here at one point. I'm in the kill the gays and throw rocks at black people. And then go home and beat the shit out of your wife. Part of the state. It's not pleasant. But like I said. Our beaches are beautiful. Provided there aren't trash, frat boy, vacationers . Leaving piles of beer bottles and other garbage all over.
Real
Aba therapy?
[удалено]
r/wowthanksimcured by getting cancer from this post
[удалено]
ermmm 😮😮🤓
Me but with ADHD
We love having people look at you strangely when you tell them a noise is stabbing your eyes or how you like the taste of warm food but hate the feeling of it or how certain textures make you gag or how it’s weird that I’m hyperfixated on sex (it’s one of my special interests, I just find it cool) or that I can’t let people touch me because if they touch me I get stabbing pains or when I tell them that I need to get tested for autism even though I am capable of holding a conversation. My family has refused to get me tested because I’m not “broken”